1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,760 Speaker 1: This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for 2 00:00:02,800 --> 00:00:07,560 Speaker 1: all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like substance abuse, 3 00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:14,520 Speaker 1: suicidal thoughts, childhood, sexual abuse, and sexual assault. Please take care. 4 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:23,319 Speaker 1: Last time on Crumbs, about a year into sobriety, I 5 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:27,440 Speaker 1: started transitioning. Being sober had to clear the fog I 6 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:30,319 Speaker 1: was in. It gave me space to become aware of 7 00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:33,840 Speaker 1: things I've been feeling deep down for my whole life. 8 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,960 Speaker 1: It was like having a clear vision and finally knowing 9 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:40,720 Speaker 1: where to look. And once I saw it, I knew 10 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:44,519 Speaker 1: who I really was and how to be my authentic self. 11 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:52,879 Speaker 1: It's tempting to say that with this newfound awareness, my 12 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:57,400 Speaker 1: story or my healing is complete, but recovery can't be 13 00:00:57,440 --> 00:00:59,800 Speaker 1: wrapped up in a neat bow. It's not like that. 14 00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:03,800 Speaker 1: It's a process that I'll have to keep engaging with 15 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:07,480 Speaker 1: every single day. I have to constantly hold a mirror 16 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:13,319 Speaker 1: to myself, flaws, triggers and all. Part of the process 17 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:16,280 Speaker 1: is learning how to give back to other people, be 18 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:19,399 Speaker 1: of service to them, and for the most part, it 19 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:24,280 Speaker 1: furthers your own healing. But sometimes being of service is 20 00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:27,280 Speaker 1: a hard thing to do because you don't always know 21 00:01:27,319 --> 00:01:31,640 Speaker 1: when helping someone else can hurt yourself and learning that 22 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:38,600 Speaker 1: it's part of the journey too. I'm Emmy and this 23 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:41,600 Speaker 1: is crumbs. It's to show what the things we settle 24 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:44,880 Speaker 1: for and the bits of ourselves that make us who 25 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:51,840 Speaker 1: we are. This season my sobriety journey in twelve steps, 26 00:01:52,120 --> 00:02:06,480 Speaker 1: Step twelve service this episode, knowing your weaknesses only makes 27 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:14,600 Speaker 1: you stronger and recovery. There's this thing that they say 28 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:16,760 Speaker 1: that you can't keep it unless you give it away, 29 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:22,560 Speaker 1: meaning that you can't keep your sobriety unless you give 30 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:27,320 Speaker 1: away your knowledge passing it along. In all the years 31 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:30,239 Speaker 1: that I've been sober, I've tried to do as much 32 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:33,400 Speaker 1: service as I could, and as much as it's meant 33 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:36,079 Speaker 1: for you to give back to the community. I also 34 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:39,280 Speaker 1: get so much out of being of service. One act 35 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:42,079 Speaker 1: of service I used to do was telling my story 36 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:45,440 Speaker 1: in Juvenile Hall in East la I volunteered for it 37 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:47,480 Speaker 1: as part of the twelve step program that I was in. 38 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:51,680 Speaker 1: A group of us would go to various institutions and 39 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:56,280 Speaker 1: talk about our sobriety. Getting to juvenile Hall was such 40 00:02:56,720 --> 00:03:01,880 Speaker 1: a bitch. Traffic in La is horrendous. After an hour 41 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:05,280 Speaker 1: in traffic I'd get to the facility, walk through a 42 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:09,720 Speaker 1: metal detector, be guided into a room, and I'd sit 43 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:12,760 Speaker 1: there waiting for these young girls to be escorted in 44 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:18,240 Speaker 1: by the officers. It was the sad looking classroom, but 45 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:21,160 Speaker 1: once I started talking to these girls and sharing my 46 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:26,040 Speaker 1: story with them, they were engaged. Not everyone, but a 47 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:31,120 Speaker 1: few girls would sit up straight pay attention. They were 48 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:33,200 Speaker 1: kind of nod along as I was talking about my 49 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:36,000 Speaker 1: family that I was around a lot of addiction and 50 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:40,560 Speaker 1: instability in my home. Because they're identifying with my story, 51 00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:44,320 Speaker 1: because they come from similar backgrounds in the childhood that 52 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:49,480 Speaker 1: I had, that just meant so much, and that resentment 53 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:56,240 Speaker 1: and that resistance of getting there completely melt away. If 54 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:59,400 Speaker 1: they all came to Chivena Hall for different reasons. It 55 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:03,960 Speaker 1: wasn't necessarily that they were struggling with addiction, they'd committed 56 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:07,240 Speaker 1: some type of crime, But sitting in front of them, 57 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:09,520 Speaker 1: it was kind of like I was revisiting a past 58 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:13,440 Speaker 1: version of myself. Some of the most painful memories that 59 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:18,000 Speaker 1: I have are in jail cells, coming to from a blackout, 60 00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:21,599 Speaker 1: not knowing why I was there, and just feeling like 61 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:24,960 Speaker 1: I was a prisoner to my own behavior. I think 62 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:28,400 Speaker 1: these young girls could sense that, like these kids could 63 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:31,880 Speaker 1: see a way out of Chiveni hall. The goal is 64 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:35,080 Speaker 1: to give them hope right that they too could break 65 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,560 Speaker 1: the cycle, that they don't have to get out to 66 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:41,279 Speaker 1: the same lifestyle, that if I could do it, you 67 00:04:41,279 --> 00:04:43,960 Speaker 1: can do it too. I felt like when I was 68 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:50,400 Speaker 1: telling my story, I was making some type of positive impact. 69 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:54,640 Speaker 1: When presented opportunities, I was taught to always say yes 70 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,279 Speaker 1: because I get to speak a lot at different meetings. 71 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:02,480 Speaker 1: People know my story. I remember getting a call from 72 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:10,799 Speaker 1: this person, this person who was considering transitioning. I'm always 73 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:15,400 Speaker 1: very careful on how I talk about the transition process 74 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:21,640 Speaker 1: because like recovery, transitioning is not linear. But I can 75 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:25,600 Speaker 1: be honest and transparent about my experience. And that's exactly 76 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:28,760 Speaker 1: what I did with this person on the phone, because 77 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:33,560 Speaker 1: my story is information. Information is power, and now this 78 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:38,320 Speaker 1: person has the power to make their own decisions. It's 79 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:41,120 Speaker 1: something that I never had where I got to hear 80 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:46,239 Speaker 1: someone's details of their transition, what was hard, what was scary, 81 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:50,440 Speaker 1: what was fun. I could feel this person wanting to 82 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:54,440 Speaker 1: share their story too, wanting to ask me hard questions 83 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:58,600 Speaker 1: about the process, but also tell me about their pains 84 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:03,560 Speaker 1: and insecurities and fears. They ended the call in a 85 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:07,279 Speaker 1: better place than where they started it. And the point 86 00:06:07,279 --> 00:06:11,040 Speaker 1: about sharing about this and talking about service is that 87 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:15,440 Speaker 1: when we ended the call, I felt better too. Before 88 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:20,080 Speaker 1: I got sober, I sometimes felt worthless, like I was 89 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:24,080 Speaker 1: just a burden on the people around me, unable to contribute, 90 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:28,440 Speaker 1: not doing a seemable ax, like when I ruined Cynthia's birthday. 91 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:34,719 Speaker 1: Acts of service helped me stay sober. It's hard to 92 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:38,160 Speaker 1: put it into words because there is this magic that happens. 93 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,200 Speaker 1: I'm sure you felt it at some point in your 94 00:06:41,279 --> 00:06:45,960 Speaker 1: life as well, maybe lots of times. It's this feeling 95 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:49,320 Speaker 1: of f you doing something and that filling you with 96 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:53,880 Speaker 1: more energy. You feel like you had a purpose, you 97 00:06:53,960 --> 00:07:02,400 Speaker 1: were meaningful. There is can be a challenge. You say 98 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:05,680 Speaker 1: yes to helping people even when it's uncomfortable for you, 99 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:11,760 Speaker 1: But how much discomfort is too much. I was almost 100 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:16,040 Speaker 1: eight years sober, I'd been sober for a while, and 101 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,440 Speaker 1: I was going to one of my regular talks at 102 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:23,440 Speaker 1: meetings and I met a newcomer. We became very good friends, 103 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,320 Speaker 1: and we started going out a lot, going to get 104 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,520 Speaker 1: coffee together, going to the movies, we'd go and fellowship 105 00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:33,840 Speaker 1: with the group, And one day she called me and 106 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:37,280 Speaker 1: she said, Hey, I have a date, but I'm scared 107 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:41,840 Speaker 1: to go by myself. Will you come with me? Because 108 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:44,840 Speaker 1: she was newer in recovery, she was nervous about meeting 109 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:49,160 Speaker 1: a stranger in a club setting. She didn't trust herself yet. 110 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,600 Speaker 1: I remember being nearly sober and going to clubs, like 111 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:57,880 Speaker 1: in the little pack. We'd huddled together first, clutching our 112 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:01,360 Speaker 1: diet cokes and look out at the crowd of wasted 113 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:05,320 Speaker 1: dancing strangers. Sometimes it was fun to watch people acting 114 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:09,480 Speaker 1: the way we used to act, wild and aggressive and sloppy, 115 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:14,600 Speaker 1: but sometimes it was hard. There's something that seems freeing 116 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:17,920 Speaker 1: or liberating about being wasted, even if we know it's 117 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:23,480 Speaker 1: an illusion, a temporary freedom. But as a group, a fellowship, 118 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:27,640 Speaker 1: we could stay in the present, this new version of us, 119 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:31,280 Speaker 1: not our past selves. So when this newcome arasked me 120 00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:33,560 Speaker 1: to go out with her, I totally understood where she 121 00:08:33,559 --> 00:08:36,800 Speaker 1: was coming from. She was meeting someone who wasn't sober 122 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:41,280 Speaker 1: at a club. I didn't know her well, which made 123 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:43,840 Speaker 1: it sort of awkward to imagine being her wingwoman on 124 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:48,760 Speaker 1: a date. But here we are in the fellowship. I 125 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:52,000 Speaker 1: get to be of service to this person. Since it 126 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:53,559 Speaker 1: was going to be in a club and it wasn't 127 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:57,120 Speaker 1: going to be like a very intimate date like a dinner, 128 00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:01,040 Speaker 1: I said, sure, why not. I was gonna kind of 129 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:04,320 Speaker 1: be her wing person and just stand back and observe, 130 00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:06,720 Speaker 1: you know, still have fun with her at the club, 131 00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:13,400 Speaker 1: maybe dance a little bit. So she picks me up 132 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:17,880 Speaker 1: and we drive to this bar in Hollywood. It was fun, 133 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:21,600 Speaker 1: you know, I got my Dia cooke. I saw her 134 00:09:21,679 --> 00:09:24,000 Speaker 1: dancing with the guy. I kind of like stood back 135 00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:29,400 Speaker 1: and just watched and people watched. Music was great. Her 136 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:33,080 Speaker 1: date had another friend who was trying to talk to me, 137 00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:36,760 Speaker 1: and I was nervous. I didn't really go there for 138 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:44,880 Speaker 1: that reason. Towards the end of the night, we all 139 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:48,480 Speaker 1: ended up going back to a hotel room, but then 140 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:51,160 Speaker 1: she left with the guy. They went to the store 141 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:55,079 Speaker 1: to buy something, and it was just supposed to be 142 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:59,160 Speaker 1: a couple minutes, but it seemed like eternity. It was 143 00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:03,880 Speaker 1: me with the other guy, and then another guy showed 144 00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:06,080 Speaker 1: up to the hotel room, so there was like three 145 00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:09,600 Speaker 1: of us in the hotel room and they start asking 146 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:12,719 Speaker 1: me questions like, Oh, do you want to drink? And 147 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:19,120 Speaker 1: I politely decline, Do you want to smoke? I decline, 148 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:21,480 Speaker 1: I'm waiting for the girl to get back so that 149 00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:24,719 Speaker 1: we could leave. I'm in the hotel room with two 150 00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:28,640 Speaker 1: total strangers. I would normally not put myself in this position. 151 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,000 Speaker 1: I was just trying to be supportive to my friend 152 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:35,680 Speaker 1: and be there for her. But here we are, It's 153 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:39,400 Speaker 1: almost two o'clock in the morning in a hotel room. 154 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:44,200 Speaker 1: And then they bring out the ironing board, and they 155 00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:48,040 Speaker 1: put this plate on the ironing board and they start 156 00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:55,719 Speaker 1: cutting up lines of cocaine. My mouth watered. I started trembling, 157 00:10:57,040 --> 00:11:00,640 Speaker 1: and they asked me, would you like some? And I 158 00:11:00,679 --> 00:11:05,920 Speaker 1: couldn't say no. I physically in my body felt so 159 00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:11,320 Speaker 1: shaky and so weak. I couldn't hold myself up. I 160 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:16,880 Speaker 1: was trembling. I couldn't even make out words. I said 161 00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:22,320 Speaker 1: a quick little prayer. God helped me. Because I was 162 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:27,520 Speaker 1: about to be eight years sober. I was really working 163 00:11:27,559 --> 00:11:32,600 Speaker 1: a program. I was going to meetings, I was sponsoring people. 164 00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:38,080 Speaker 1: I had commitments. Yet here I was. This act of 165 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:42,760 Speaker 1: service turned into a nightmare. As soon as I said 166 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:46,680 Speaker 1: that little prayer, I got a little bit of strength 167 00:11:46,679 --> 00:11:55,319 Speaker 1: in my knees and I ran out of that hotel room. 168 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:59,280 Speaker 1: I called an uber, and when I got to my apartment, 169 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:05,360 Speaker 1: I got on my knees and I broke down. I cried, 170 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:11,480 Speaker 1: cried and cried all night long because my sobriety could 171 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:15,360 Speaker 1: have just gone out the door in the blink of 172 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:21,920 Speaker 1: an eye. I called my sponsor right away. It was 173 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:25,520 Speaker 1: like almost three o'clock in the morning. She didn't answer, 174 00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:30,040 Speaker 1: but I left her a very detailed message in tears. 175 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:35,160 Speaker 1: I called the girl. She didn't answer me. I was 176 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:38,960 Speaker 1: scared for her. I was scared for me because I 177 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:43,040 Speaker 1: almost threw it out. I almost gave up, I almost 178 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:48,960 Speaker 1: gave in. It wasn't the first time that I'd seen 179 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:53,040 Speaker 1: cokeine recovery. I had, you know, because I had gone 180 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,840 Speaker 1: out with my cousins and they were doing it. But 181 00:12:55,920 --> 00:13:00,440 Speaker 1: I just went to another room. But here I was 182 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:06,480 Speaker 1: trapped in the hotel room with two strangers who were 183 00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:11,200 Speaker 1: bigger than me, stronger than me. I already felt unsafe 184 00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:16,160 Speaker 1: in that moment. I was feeling very vulnerable because they 185 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:19,360 Speaker 1: don't know me. I don't know if they're going to 186 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:25,360 Speaker 1: be aggressive towards me right, I don't know if they're transphobic, 187 00:13:26,559 --> 00:13:30,240 Speaker 1: I don't know them from Adam, so that's already puts 188 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:35,520 Speaker 1: me in a different place mentally, emotionally. So when they 189 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:41,280 Speaker 1: displayed those lines of cocaine and they're offering it to me, 190 00:13:42,679 --> 00:13:46,319 Speaker 1: I felt very weak. You know, cocaine would have been 191 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:50,480 Speaker 1: a way for me to not feel so vulnerable, because 192 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:53,600 Speaker 1: when I did cocaine, I felt very powerful, very strong. 193 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:58,440 Speaker 1: When I went out that night, I had no intention 194 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:04,400 Speaker 1: of drinking, of using. One of my wildest dreams that 195 00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:06,559 Speaker 1: I think that I was going to come that close 196 00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:09,960 Speaker 1: to it. I was just hoping to be of service 197 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:14,160 Speaker 1: to this newcomer, to be supportive, just like people had 198 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:19,520 Speaker 1: been supportive to me all these years. I realized in 199 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:24,600 Speaker 1: that moment how cunning, baffling, and powerful the disease is, 200 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:28,880 Speaker 1: because even though I was doing all the right things, 201 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:36,640 Speaker 1: going to meetings, sponsoring, being of service, having commitments, doing 202 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:41,480 Speaker 1: my step work, that I came this close to throwing 203 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:51,600 Speaker 1: it all away. The girl ended up being okay, she 204 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:55,840 Speaker 1: didn't relapse, but that moment for me was probably the 205 00:14:55,960 --> 00:15:01,760 Speaker 1: closest I've come to getting loaded. Then I ended up 206 00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:04,200 Speaker 1: being a bigger test for me than it was for her. 207 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:09,040 Speaker 1: So I had to be very vigilant and really see 208 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,880 Speaker 1: what was happening and what kind of situations I was 209 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:14,400 Speaker 1: putting myself in and what kind of boundaries I was 210 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:21,360 Speaker 1: setting with people, because sometimes I'm a service junkie and 211 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:25,440 Speaker 1: I want to show up for everyone, and I want 212 00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:28,920 Speaker 1: to have every commitment and I want to do all 213 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:33,800 Speaker 1: of the activities. I want to give back to everyone, 214 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:38,080 Speaker 1: and that's just not realistic. When I apply what I 215 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:42,480 Speaker 1: have learned in the program to my life, I get 216 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:54,480 Speaker 1: to be free of those things. The program for me 217 00:15:55,320 --> 00:16:00,280 Speaker 1: makes it a habit to continually work on myself, trying 218 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:04,600 Speaker 1: to be a better version of who I was yesterday. 219 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:07,440 Speaker 1: But it's something that I have to do every single day, 220 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:12,080 Speaker 1: every single morning when I wake up, recommit to it 221 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:16,400 Speaker 1: on a daily basis, which is why we do these 222 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:21,120 Speaker 1: things one day at a time. So I'm strong in 223 00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:25,080 Speaker 1: my program and I go to regular meetings. I go 224 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:27,280 Speaker 1: to new meetings to share my story when I'm asked to, 225 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:33,840 Speaker 1: and I see a lot of faces newcomers. Sometimes I 226 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:37,880 Speaker 1: see people coming in looking lost. Their faces are puffy, 227 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:42,200 Speaker 1: or they seem confused. They just seem so unsure of themselves, 228 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:46,720 Speaker 1: and sometimes I don't see them again, but sometimes they 229 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:51,960 Speaker 1: come back, even after months of not seeing them. Then 230 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,440 Speaker 1: I walk into a meeting and I see them plugged in. 231 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:58,160 Speaker 1: They have a commitment, and they look like a completely 232 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:03,440 Speaker 1: different person. And then I realized that it happened to me. 233 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,240 Speaker 1: That's me. I came to meetings and then I left, 234 00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:09,400 Speaker 1: and I came back, and I'd come back and leave, 235 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:13,639 Speaker 1: But when I stuck to it, I saw change. It 236 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:18,520 Speaker 1: completely changed my life. It's a beautiful experience to watch 237 00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:22,879 Speaker 1: change and to see myself in it. Almost more impactful 238 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:26,639 Speaker 1: than my own recovery. To see a newcomer click with 239 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:30,080 Speaker 1: the program and think you're the person that you always 240 00:17:30,119 --> 00:17:35,640 Speaker 1: knew you could be. When I'm feeling vulnerable, I think 241 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:39,240 Speaker 1: of the magic of a twilsted program. It's the well 242 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:42,320 Speaker 1: where I get my energy from, even in my most 243 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:49,760 Speaker 1: fragile moments. Who I am seventeen years sober actively in 244 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:53,119 Speaker 1: the program is a better version of who I was 245 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:57,760 Speaker 1: seventeen years ago. I still have some of those character flaws, 246 00:17:58,359 --> 00:18:02,600 Speaker 1: but they don't control who I am. Sobriety has given 247 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:05,320 Speaker 1: me the clarity and the strength to know who I am, 248 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:10,160 Speaker 1: the courage to act on that knowledge and I found 249 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:15,040 Speaker 1: the love for myself that I didn't have before. In fact, 250 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:19,920 Speaker 1: I used to hate myself and I acted on that hate. 251 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:25,000 Speaker 1: And now with work, I feel capable of loving myself, 252 00:18:26,119 --> 00:18:39,359 Speaker 1: being loved and loving a lot of other people. Life 253 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:42,600 Speaker 1: is full of ups and downs, ups and downs kind 254 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:45,600 Speaker 1: of like a roller coaster. It can come in the 255 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:48,679 Speaker 1: form of an ironing board in a hotel room, a 256 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:53,080 Speaker 1: bad date, a death in the family, losing your job. 257 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:58,879 Speaker 1: Shit is hard. You could be one day sober. You 258 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,760 Speaker 1: can be too. If you're sober, you can be thirty 259 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:05,520 Speaker 1: years sober. That roller coaster is going to go down. 260 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:10,840 Speaker 1: There's always going to be a down. That's just life. 261 00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:15,440 Speaker 1: It can come out of nowhere. Just because we're sober 262 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:19,639 Speaker 1: does not mean that we're exempt from life's problems. Life 263 00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:25,280 Speaker 1: on life's terms. Knowing what makes me struggle, what makes 264 00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:29,480 Speaker 1: me feel vulnerable, what my weaknesses are, that doesn't make 265 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:33,920 Speaker 1: me weaker. It makes me stronger, and I can honestly 266 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:51,760 Speaker 1: say I'm closer to being happy, joyful, and free. Hey, listeners, 267 00:19:52,119 --> 00:19:54,159 Speaker 1: there's a lot of difficult subjects that we cover in 268 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:57,560 Speaker 1: this show. If you are someone you know needs help, 269 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,720 Speaker 1: you can reach the substance abuse and Mental Health Services 270 00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:05,080 Speaker 1: Hotline at one eight hundred sixty sixty two four to 271 00:20:05,119 --> 00:20:09,200 Speaker 1: three five seven. They'll connect you with information and resources 272 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:13,720 Speaker 1: on treatment. There's also the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 273 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:19,440 Speaker 1: one eight hundred two seven three TA l K. Both 274 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,399 Speaker 1: are available twenty four seven. You don't have to be 275 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:25,520 Speaker 1: in crisis to reach out either. They're available to anyone 276 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:29,080 Speaker 1: who needs help. You can also reach the National Sexual 277 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:32,000 Speaker 1: Assault Hotline twenty four to seven at one eight hundred 278 00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:39,960 Speaker 1: six five six four six seven. Three. Crumbs is a 279 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:44,600 Speaker 1: Somoto production in partnership with Iheartsmikultura Network and Trojan Horse Media. 280 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:49,800 Speaker 1: It's produced by Margaret Catcher and Patime Ragunath and edited 281 00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:54,119 Speaker 1: by Rodrigo Crespo. Original music by D. Peter Schmidt and 282 00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:58,560 Speaker 1: engineering by Mano Barra Studio. Recording by JTV Recording and 283 00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:03,080 Speaker 1: Podcasting Studio. Executive produced by Connor Byrne and Joab And 284 00:21:03,119 --> 00:21:08,080 Speaker 1: says for iHeart, Alex Flumeto, Elizabeth Schutzo and Margaret Catcher. 285 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:13,520 Speaker 1: For Trojan Horse, Camilla Vittriano, Joshua Weinstein, fer Sonoro and 286 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:20,320 Speaker 1: me EMMIOLEA special things to Marina Cornella. Listen to crumbs 287 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:24,120 Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get 288 00:21:24,119 --> 00:21:24,760 Speaker 1: your podcasts.