WEBVTT - Stefanos Sifandos 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:02.400 Holy Human with Leanne Rhymes is a production of I 0:00:02.520 --> 0:00:13.119 Heart Radio. Hello, Hello, My Love's Welcome to this latest 0:00:13.160 --> 0:00:17.200 episode of Holy Human. It is jam packed with lots 0:00:17.239 --> 0:00:20.880 and lots of information. We will be diving into two topics, 0:00:20.920 --> 0:00:26.280 mostly with internationally acclaimed life coach Stephanos se Fondos. The 0:00:26.320 --> 0:00:28.760 impact of the father wound and how we can keep 0:00:28.800 --> 0:00:31.880 our trauma from our childhood from seeping into our romantic 0:00:31.920 --> 0:00:36.680 relationships and our sexuality is a lot all that and 0:00:36.840 --> 0:01:03.440 more on today's what We're hearing yet, Stefan, did I 0:01:03.480 --> 0:01:06.760 get the right Okay, I'm going to call you Steph 0:01:06.880 --> 0:01:10.199 because I don't want to mess it up a step 0:01:10.360 --> 0:01:13.560 Thanks so much for coming on the Holy Human podcast. 0:01:13.600 --> 0:01:15.640 It is an honor to have you on here the 0:01:15.640 --> 0:01:17.800 Honors Mark. Thank you for having me. I. I have 0:01:17.880 --> 0:01:20.960 followed your work on socials for a while now, and 0:01:21.280 --> 0:01:24.440 I love your presence, I love your heart. It's just 0:01:24.480 --> 0:01:29.039 so wonderful to have a man in your energy speaking 0:01:29.080 --> 0:01:32.039 on the topics you're speaking on, and I I was 0:01:32.080 --> 0:01:34.520 just wondering if you can share with people and myself 0:01:34.560 --> 0:01:37.199 how you came to be a life coach and get 0:01:37.280 --> 0:01:41.319 involved in in the work that you're in. Yeah, you know, 0:01:41.600 --> 0:01:45.479 I often get asked that question. And what what immediately 0:01:45.520 --> 0:01:47.600 comes to mind, if I have to distill it into 0:01:48.000 --> 0:01:50.040 a few words or a sentence of one word, it's pain, 0:01:51.120 --> 0:01:54.160 and it's it's obviously I can unpack that. And what 0:01:54.200 --> 0:01:57.760 I mean by that, and what I'm referencing internally is 0:01:58.280 --> 0:02:02.080 I grew up in an environment that didn't really facilitate 0:02:02.280 --> 0:02:05.600 the things that I yearned for. I yearned for as 0:02:05.600 --> 0:02:11.840 a child and yearned for as an adult. Safety connection, intimacy, consistency, um, significance, 0:02:12.280 --> 0:02:17.480 feeling enough, like worth worthiness essentially, And so my desire 0:02:17.560 --> 0:02:21.440 to explore my own internal state, my own feelings, you know, 0:02:21.480 --> 0:02:24.239 my own pain, my own shadows, my sadness, my anger, 0:02:24.320 --> 0:02:26.800 my rage as a as a young man, as a teenager, 0:02:27.600 --> 0:02:31.240 my despondency, and my tibid nous as a child. It 0:02:31.360 --> 0:02:34.919 came from those early childhood experiences and my family unit, 0:02:35.040 --> 0:02:40.040 my family environment. And you know, it's an interesting thing. 0:02:40.120 --> 0:02:42.600 Trauma is a is a very it's an interesting and 0:02:42.680 --> 0:02:48.240 intricate beast. And when we experienced trauma, and I'll speak 0:02:48.320 --> 0:02:51.240 very directly for myself, but also just understanding how trauma 0:02:51.280 --> 0:02:54.600 works in the body and in social circles, we tend 0:02:54.600 --> 0:02:57.560 to suppress and repress, and we do that consciously and 0:02:57.639 --> 0:03:00.520 unconsciously because it can be so overwhelm me. And so 0:03:00.680 --> 0:03:02.640 for much of my life I didn't know why I 0:03:02.760 --> 0:03:05.120 was the way I was, and I couldn't quite change 0:03:05.160 --> 0:03:08.920 my behavior because I was in constant avoidance of my trauma. 0:03:09.360 --> 0:03:11.000 So the way that I dealt with it, to even 0:03:11.040 --> 0:03:13.359 answer your question a little more directly, was oh, if 0:03:13.400 --> 0:03:16.320 I can help others, if I can support others on 0:03:16.400 --> 0:03:19.680 their journey, then maybe at some level I'm going to 0:03:19.720 --> 0:03:23.600 find reprieve within myself. There's some element of truth to that, 0:03:23.760 --> 0:03:26.320 and it helped and it supported me on my journey. 0:03:26.560 --> 0:03:29.560 But the reality was that because I wasn't really looking 0:03:29.560 --> 0:03:32.240 at my stuff directly and wasn't able to touch that 0:03:32.320 --> 0:03:35.920 in safe ways and revisit it, not retell the story, 0:03:35.960 --> 0:03:39.160 but to actually release what was trapped inside of me, 0:03:39.600 --> 0:03:42.760 I kept perpetuating the same pain, the same fear, and 0:03:42.800 --> 0:03:47.720 the same unhealthy patterns in relating as well. Interesting, So, 0:03:47.720 --> 0:03:51.240 so you kind of got into this work before you 0:03:51.520 --> 0:03:57.000 fully started to be able to touch upon these darker 0:03:57.440 --> 0:03:59.320 I guess that I would. I would sometimes call them 0:03:59.400 --> 0:04:02.280 darker and more the more traumatized places within us. I 0:04:02.280 --> 0:04:04.840 find that really interesting because I mean that is one 0:04:04.840 --> 0:04:07.760 of the reasons why I started this podcast was like, Okay, 0:04:08.160 --> 0:04:11.960 I've and I have touched on on my pain deeply, 0:04:12.000 --> 0:04:16.880 and I feel like that's a multilayered experience. I wanted 0:04:16.920 --> 0:04:18.440 to talk about it. I wanted to be here in 0:04:18.480 --> 0:04:22.320 my humanity because the strange thing about celebrity, I think 0:04:22.400 --> 0:04:25.800 is our humanity gets cut off in a lot of ways, 0:04:25.920 --> 0:04:29.360 and I wanted to relate and share what I've gone through, 0:04:29.440 --> 0:04:32.840 what I've learned, in order to hopefully help people on 0:04:32.880 --> 0:04:34.880 their journey. But I think you're right. I think there's 0:04:35.600 --> 0:04:38.599 there's always places that are left untouched or have yet 0:04:38.640 --> 0:04:42.960 to be unearthed. And I find that as I have 0:04:43.080 --> 0:04:46.520 these conversations through this podcast, I find that I'm having 0:04:46.560 --> 0:04:49.680 to meet myself in those deeper places more and more. So. 0:04:49.800 --> 0:04:53.839 It's once you put yourself in in it, there's no 0:04:53.920 --> 0:04:57.800 way of getting around it, for sure. Yeah, and I 0:04:57.920 --> 0:04:59.720 very much resonate with what you're saying and what I 0:05:00.000 --> 0:05:04.080 add to that as well. And another layer is that 0:05:05.360 --> 0:05:08.240 the richer and deeper relationships that we engage in and 0:05:08.320 --> 0:05:11.200 the more willing we are to see ourselves in the 0:05:11.240 --> 0:05:14.919 other and see the other in ourselves those layers of 0:05:15.120 --> 0:05:18.680 call it trauma or nuance that resides within us, it 0:05:18.800 --> 0:05:21.680 unravels itself at a in a more profound way, and 0:05:21.720 --> 0:05:25.000 we're able to touch greater depths within ourselves. I've found 0:05:25.000 --> 0:05:28.440 that in my relationships, the more willing I am to 0:05:28.560 --> 0:05:32.160 go to those places that are quite uncomfortable, that that 0:05:32.240 --> 0:05:34.560 provoked the sense of will they reject me, will they 0:05:34.600 --> 0:05:37.479 abandon me? Will they will they humiliate me? Will I 0:05:37.520 --> 0:05:40.320 be humulated rather through what they think of me or 0:05:40.320 --> 0:05:42.080 how they see me? But can I still be in 0:05:42.120 --> 0:05:44.039 my truth? And the more I go to those places, 0:05:44.120 --> 0:05:47.480 and then the more I am met. So when that 0:05:47.480 --> 0:05:50.560 that sense of vulnerability or truth, that rawness has met 0:05:51.040 --> 0:05:56.479 and reciprocated with love and understanding and compassion and empathy, 0:05:56.520 --> 0:06:00.320 that's when even more profound layers are revealed and more 0:06:00.400 --> 0:06:03.159 growth occurs. And that's been so true in my own life. 0:06:03.400 --> 0:06:06.520 Oh my gosh. Absolutely. And it's it's interesting you say that, 0:06:06.560 --> 0:06:09.600 because it is I've I've gone through so much, and 0:06:09.680 --> 0:06:12.320 I think that people can relate to this of I'm 0:06:12.320 --> 0:06:14.440 I don't trust the other person to meet me there 0:06:14.480 --> 0:06:17.440 because I wasn't met in my early childhood, and so 0:06:18.000 --> 0:06:22.599 I've had to I've had to stop projecting my early 0:06:22.680 --> 0:06:26.360 childhood onto those around me in order to give them 0:06:26.400 --> 0:06:30.080 a chance to meet me there. And the thing that 0:06:30.160 --> 0:06:34.360 I've learned, you know, is can I how deeply vulnerable 0:06:34.400 --> 0:06:39.200 can I be without abandoning myself? Because ultimately that's what 0:06:39.240 --> 0:06:43.000 we're I feel ultimately, that's what we're deeply worried about, 0:06:43.120 --> 0:06:46.320 is that we're we are going to not meet ourselves there. 0:06:46.720 --> 0:06:50.760 It's not really about the other, yeah, of course, and 0:06:50.760 --> 0:06:54.000 and and very true. And it is because we're so 0:06:54.720 --> 0:06:57.080 We're so in our bodies, were so in our being. 0:06:57.160 --> 0:07:00.520 It's all about the self preservation and self tection at 0:07:00.600 --> 0:07:03.800 some level, especially at a nervous system level. Something that 0:07:03.839 --> 0:07:06.400 I say that I say to my clients often is 0:07:07.240 --> 0:07:11.040 ensure you are not projecting. You know, your partner, your 0:07:11.120 --> 0:07:13.160 husband is not your mother or your father. Your wife 0:07:13.280 --> 0:07:15.640 or your partner is not your mother or your father. Honestly, 0:07:15.680 --> 0:07:18.040 just you have to remind yourself that because there's so 0:07:18.120 --> 0:07:22.200 much unconscious protection that's taking place where we when when 0:07:22.320 --> 0:07:25.680 when our partners do something that reminds our nervous systems 0:07:25.680 --> 0:07:29.040 of something that happened thirty years ago. There's there's our 0:07:29.080 --> 0:07:32.200 body just gets online and says, that's the same things. 0:07:32.400 --> 0:07:35.600 They're the same things that happened thirty years ago. We 0:07:35.600 --> 0:07:37.720 need to protect ourselves in the same way we did then, 0:07:37.720 --> 0:07:40.440 And all of a sudden, you're treating that person as 0:07:40.480 --> 0:07:43.040 if they're your mother or your father, or the hurt 0:07:43.160 --> 0:07:45.440 that you experienced from a bully when you were younger. 0:07:45.920 --> 0:07:48.760 And we have to remind ourselves. And that's where, you know, 0:07:48.800 --> 0:07:50.800 we start really working with trauma and learning how to 0:07:50.840 --> 0:07:53.840 regulate our nervous systems, and learning how to speak to ourselves, 0:07:53.840 --> 0:07:56.160 and learning how to communicate with others and being each 0:07:56.200 --> 0:07:59.040 other's presence and set healthy boundaries and all those things. 0:07:59.040 --> 0:08:02.040 That's when we start to really undo the past so 0:08:02.160 --> 0:08:04.120 that we don't keep coming from the past and we 0:08:04.160 --> 0:08:07.240 can come from that new version of self that isn't 0:08:07.400 --> 0:08:11.600 greater along with who we truly want to be. Absolutely well, 0:08:11.840 --> 0:08:13.560 you started to talk about the mother and the father. 0:08:13.760 --> 0:08:16.960 We on the last season we took a deep dive 0:08:17.040 --> 0:08:20.720 into the mother wound with Bethany Webster and I had 0:08:21.200 --> 0:08:25.840 She Is, and it was so eye opening that whole conversation, 0:08:26.320 --> 0:08:29.320 and we had so many listeners that wanted They were like, 0:08:29.440 --> 0:08:31.880 is there a father wound? And what does that look like? 0:08:32.320 --> 0:08:34.920 Can you address that? And so when I started to 0:08:34.960 --> 0:08:37.680 dig into who talks about the father wound, there's not 0:08:37.720 --> 0:08:40.760 a lot of people, by the way, who actually discussed 0:08:40.760 --> 0:08:44.679 this topic. And I thought that you talked about this 0:08:44.880 --> 0:08:49.360 in depth, um and so beautifully that I that's one 0:08:49.400 --> 0:08:50.880 of the main reasons I wanted to have you on 0:08:51.000 --> 0:08:54.200 was discussed the father wound. So let's just started with 0:08:54.240 --> 0:08:57.760 how how do you describe the father? What is that exactly? 0:08:57.760 --> 0:09:01.960 How would you define it? You? So before I even 0:09:02.000 --> 0:09:04.400 define something that I want to speak to, I think 0:09:04.440 --> 0:09:08.480 that's important about the father wound is we have this 0:09:08.800 --> 0:09:12.000 this image of the father, and so we're children, were small, 0:09:12.400 --> 0:09:15.000 we're literally quite small compared to these adults in the 0:09:15.000 --> 0:09:17.560 world that are a lot bigger than us. And that 0:09:17.960 --> 0:09:22.880 masculine presence that father for a little girl represents, represents 0:09:23.320 --> 0:09:26.120 what my relationship to men can be. This is, you know, 0:09:26.160 --> 0:09:28.680 at the beginning stage, it's very visceral, it's very feeling, 0:09:28.720 --> 0:09:31.720 basis kin aesthetic. As we get older, we start to 0:09:31.960 --> 0:09:35.640 visualize and verbalize and understand this relationship for little boys, 0:09:36.440 --> 0:09:39.160 it's more about what is the type of man that 0:09:39.240 --> 0:09:43.720 I can be. And so if there's a disconnect in 0:09:43.760 --> 0:09:48.719 that father child relationship, if there's abandonment, if there's rejection, 0:09:49.280 --> 0:09:53.480 if there's unavailability, if there's violence, if if that source 0:09:53.720 --> 0:09:58.600 of love and protection is also the source of terror 0:09:58.640 --> 0:10:01.840 for you, it becomes very confusing in our nervous system, 0:10:01.880 --> 0:10:04.800 becomes very confusing the way that we attach and so 0:10:05.160 --> 0:10:07.440 that father wound, and to clarify thing, this is an 0:10:07.480 --> 0:10:11.319 important point as well. There's no formal psychological diagnosis around 0:10:11.320 --> 0:10:15.920 the mother wound and the father wound. Um However, the 0:10:16.000 --> 0:10:18.840 mother wound and the father wound is something that we 0:10:18.880 --> 0:10:23.959 refer to to really understand developmentally, how we've formed our 0:10:24.000 --> 0:10:28.040 self identity and how we end up in a in 0:10:28.120 --> 0:10:31.560 a whole from a whole perspective, how we end up 0:10:31.600 --> 0:10:35.920 relating to our intimate partners, how we relate to intimacy itself, 0:10:35.960 --> 0:10:38.760 how we relate to self worth, and how we relate 0:10:38.840 --> 0:10:42.480 to protecting ourselves in relationship. Because we all do that, 0:10:42.760 --> 0:10:45.760 we all have layers of protection. Some are more extreme 0:10:45.800 --> 0:10:48.880 than others. For me, it was it was a great 0:10:48.920 --> 0:10:52.559 deal of emotional abuse. I would push my partners away 0:10:53.040 --> 0:10:57.640 in the past by being hyper defensive, by being hyper aggressive, 0:10:57.720 --> 0:11:01.480 by attempting to be in control because I as a child, 0:11:01.760 --> 0:11:06.480 I was so out of control. And with specifically my father, 0:11:07.160 --> 0:11:10.160 he was very violent, he was averant, he was unpredictable, 0:11:10.360 --> 0:11:13.160 he was very moody. There was a great deal of 0:11:13.240 --> 0:11:17.640 uncertainty and unavailability. So I didn't have structure and stability. 0:11:17.640 --> 0:11:19.679 I didn't feel stable within my own nervous system, within 0:11:19.720 --> 0:11:21.520 my own mind. And so when we're talking about the father, 0:11:21.600 --> 0:11:26.040 when we're talking about structure stability, we're talking about that 0:11:26.240 --> 0:11:29.560 masculine presence that is safety that we can trust, that 0:11:29.600 --> 0:11:32.360 we can lean into, that we can be ourselves and 0:11:32.400 --> 0:11:35.040 be met for who we are and as we are 0:11:35.360 --> 0:11:38.600 without judgment. When we miss that, when we don't have 0:11:38.640 --> 0:11:42.880 that stability in our lives, the cascade effects as adults 0:11:43.040 --> 0:11:47.960 is immense. Yeah, I can relate to that completely. My grip. 0:11:48.400 --> 0:11:50.040 My dad was really angry. There was a lot of 0:11:50.040 --> 0:11:54.600 anger in the house. And um he also loved me deeply, 0:11:55.000 --> 0:12:00.520 and I think there's yeah, very confusing. Um know, someone 0:12:00.559 --> 0:12:04.960 who was constantly a part of my life and helping 0:12:04.960 --> 0:12:08.760 me sing and like you know, we connected through through music. 0:12:08.920 --> 0:12:13.959 Was also you know, very um, very angry and very 0:12:14.000 --> 0:12:18.559 unapproachable at times. And I've noticed it's really interesting around 0:12:18.600 --> 0:12:22.120 three o'clock in the afternoon. Three, Um, this is something 0:12:22.160 --> 0:12:25.600 I've started to recognize. Um, I'll start to get really, 0:12:25.640 --> 0:12:30.600 really anxious and I I'm like, why, why is this 0:12:30.679 --> 0:12:33.400 happening at the same time every day? And it was okay, 0:12:33.440 --> 0:12:35.120 that was when I got picked up from schools, when 0:12:35.160 --> 0:12:37.880 I started coming home, you know, coming home to the 0:12:37.880 --> 0:12:40.960 house that then he was going to come into buy 0:12:41.000 --> 0:12:43.400 five o'clock, and I didn't know what I was going 0:12:43.480 --> 0:12:46.840 to get. And I can totally relate that my nervous 0:12:46.840 --> 0:12:50.240 system is still even though I'm completely safe in my home, 0:12:50.320 --> 0:12:53.240 I have a wonderful husband, and that I had that 0:12:53.280 --> 0:12:56.120 sense of safety, my nervous system is still as much 0:12:56.160 --> 0:12:57.920 as I've worked through so many pieces of it, it's 0:12:57.920 --> 0:13:02.400 still stuck back in that time of not quite knowing 0:13:02.760 --> 0:13:06.720 what I was going to get with my father. Yeah, 0:13:06.880 --> 0:13:12.200 and that that trauma by association is your body telling 0:13:12.240 --> 0:13:15.160 you that there's something that's unresolved within you. Because if 0:13:15.200 --> 0:13:17.520 that's you know, if you're and the interesting thing is 0:13:17.559 --> 0:13:19.280 you may say, but I've never had this before. It's 0:13:19.320 --> 0:13:21.439 just come on. And there are a few There could 0:13:21.440 --> 0:13:23.520 be a few reasons for that. It could be because 0:13:23.720 --> 0:13:26.920 your body and your being, your entire mind body complex 0:13:27.000 --> 0:13:29.600 is actually ready to deal with that and close the 0:13:29.640 --> 0:13:32.079 loop on that trauma. It could meet because you've done 0:13:32.120 --> 0:13:35.960 deeper spiritual exploration and it's unearthing some old stuff and 0:13:35.960 --> 0:13:38.520 it's presenting itself in this way and it is a 0:13:38.520 --> 0:13:41.640 beautiful opportunity to actually work through the core wounds of 0:13:41.679 --> 0:13:47.400 that um And it's also really challenging and very painful. 0:13:47.559 --> 0:13:50.079 Like and what do we do when something is really 0:13:50.160 --> 0:13:53.200 challenging and really painful. Now, yes, we sometimes can meet it. 0:13:53.280 --> 0:13:56.000 We can meet that pain and that challenge where where 0:13:56.000 --> 0:13:59.240 it's at. But more often than not, we check out. 0:13:59.240 --> 0:14:01.719 It's like, well that's too difficult. I'm going to check out. 0:14:01.720 --> 0:14:03.000 I'm going to go back to what I'm going to 0:14:03.120 --> 0:14:05.600 work a lot. I'm going to focus on more pleasure 0:14:05.640 --> 0:14:07.600 in my body. Could be eating, could be drugs, could 0:14:07.600 --> 0:14:10.319 be alcohol, It could be distractions. It could be adrenaline. 0:14:10.320 --> 0:14:11.920 It could be shopping, It could be t vehic or 0:14:11.960 --> 0:14:14.480 whatever it is that puts more pleasure in our body, 0:14:14.520 --> 0:14:17.680 that that compensates for the big pain that we're attempting 0:14:17.720 --> 0:14:20.320 to avoid. The thing that we missed though, And this 0:14:20.360 --> 0:14:22.160 is what I missed for so many years in my 0:14:22.200 --> 0:14:27.080 own life was I didn't quote unquote no, and I didn't. 0:14:27.080 --> 0:14:30.560 I didn't quite get that if I simply lean into 0:14:30.600 --> 0:14:33.440 this thing that's presenting itself, I didn't even have to 0:14:33.440 --> 0:14:35.600 pursue it or chase it. That's another conversation we can 0:14:35.600 --> 0:14:37.800 come to that. But this thing that's presenting itself is 0:14:37.840 --> 0:14:40.640 discomforting my body, this thing that feels a little quote 0:14:40.680 --> 0:14:43.000 unquote abnormal, out of out of sync for me. If 0:14:43.040 --> 0:14:45.440 I sit with it, if I address it, if I 0:14:45.480 --> 0:14:47.680 move it through my body, if I share it with 0:14:47.960 --> 0:14:50.400 a coach, a therapist, et cetera, if I if I 0:14:50.400 --> 0:14:53.440 start to be in deeper communion with it, what would happen? 0:14:54.080 --> 0:14:56.680 And what ended up happening when I when I surrendered 0:14:56.720 --> 0:14:58.400 to all of that, I said, I have to face 0:14:58.480 --> 0:15:02.200 my stuff because I'm reaking havoc on every relationship that 0:15:02.240 --> 0:15:07.520 I'm in, including myself. I'm in great avoidance. I mean, 0:15:08.120 --> 0:15:10.000 you know, and this is years ago. I'm in massive debt. 0:15:10.080 --> 0:15:12.120 Nothing is really working in my life, and I'm blaming 0:15:12.160 --> 0:15:15.200 everything and everyone but me. I'm not looking at me. 0:15:15.240 --> 0:15:17.320 I'm not taking response to me when I did. And 0:15:17.360 --> 0:15:20.400 this is the paradox, right, the more we lean into it, 0:15:21.160 --> 0:15:24.280 the fast we moved through it. That and that that 0:15:24.400 --> 0:15:26.560 has been so true for me and so true for 0:15:26.640 --> 0:15:29.640 the thousands of clients that I've worked with, thousands upon 0:15:30.040 --> 0:15:33.760 that that's the truth. Yeah, it's It's interesting because when 0:15:33.760 --> 0:15:36.720 we're in that situation where it's super super uncomfortable and 0:15:36.760 --> 0:15:39.520 you want to reach for you want to reach for something, 0:15:39.520 --> 0:15:42.800 whether it's the remote or the drink or cigarette or 0:15:43.120 --> 0:15:47.600 whatever it is, how do we begin to find Okay, 0:15:47.640 --> 0:15:51.640 so that that discomfort is there, but we're looking for pleasure. 0:15:51.800 --> 0:15:54.480 So how do we begin to find the pleasure from 0:15:54.560 --> 0:15:59.680 the inside even with that discomfort that's there? Like, how 0:15:59.760 --> 0:16:01.720 how can we hold both of those things? And how 0:16:01.760 --> 0:16:06.080 do we start to summon the pleasure from the inside out? Yeah, 0:16:06.240 --> 0:16:09.040 we have to learn to be with the pain, and 0:16:09.160 --> 0:16:11.640 I can't. I might want to. I want to get 0:16:11.680 --> 0:16:15.520 to the pleasure part. I just want to. I guess, Yeah, yes, 0:16:15.600 --> 0:16:17.720 you do have to learn to be with pain. Yeah, 0:16:17.880 --> 0:16:20.880 and that means feeling it. But here's a thing, right, 0:16:20.920 --> 0:16:22.680 like it's easy for me to say, just feel it. 0:16:22.960 --> 0:16:25.440 And I'm not coming from a place where I haven't experienced, 0:16:25.960 --> 0:16:28.440 you know, immense trauma and chronic and acute trauma and 0:16:28.480 --> 0:16:30.560 so forth. And I'm coming from a place that I've 0:16:31.160 --> 0:16:33.120 worked through that and I continue to work through that. 0:16:33.160 --> 0:16:35.560 It's not just not a it's unless I'm enlightened, which 0:16:35.600 --> 0:16:38.000 I don't believe I am. I'm going to continue to 0:16:38.000 --> 0:16:39.800 work through that stuff and the layers that come up 0:16:39.920 --> 0:16:41.760 right because of the work that we do previously that 0:16:41.840 --> 0:16:44.960 prepares us for the present moment in the now. But here, 0:16:45.080 --> 0:16:49.640 here's the thing is, we learned to sit with a 0:16:49.760 --> 0:16:53.360 pain in relationship, not only in relationship to that thing 0:16:53.400 --> 0:16:56.480 that's within us, but in relationship external to us. And 0:16:56.560 --> 0:16:59.080 so one of the greatest things that we can do 0:16:59.160 --> 0:17:02.160 for our nervous and for our healing is to being 0:17:02.200 --> 0:17:06.960 the presence of safety. And what that tangibly looks like 0:17:07.359 --> 0:17:11.439 is being the presence of people that see you through 0:17:11.560 --> 0:17:16.680 and beyond your pain with no judgment and with compassion, 0:17:18.000 --> 0:17:20.320 and there's a softness to them that you're through. Our 0:17:20.400 --> 0:17:23.880 new reception of being in the world, the unconscious ways 0:17:23.880 --> 0:17:27.719 in which our nervous systems assess our environment. We feel 0:17:28.160 --> 0:17:30.720 that this person is safe. They're not judging me, they're 0:17:30.720 --> 0:17:33.119 not going to criticize me. Because we're talking about the 0:17:33.160 --> 0:17:37.080 father wound. We're talking about the you know, the father 0:17:37.119 --> 0:17:41.560 wound referring to absenteers and emotionally or physically, which can 0:17:41.600 --> 0:17:45.280 be interpreted as rejection. We're talking about the father women 0:17:45.400 --> 0:17:49.800 being that critical, negative, even abusive character, and and it's 0:17:49.880 --> 0:17:53.480 that that impacts our sense of self worth. And so 0:17:54.320 --> 0:17:57.359 when we're talking about being with the pain, one of 0:17:57.359 --> 0:17:59.560 the greatest things that we can do for ourselves is 0:17:59.680 --> 0:18:02.920 see to be in the presence of people that will 0:18:03.080 --> 0:18:07.359 nurture our pain. They won't appease us, there, won't be 0:18:07.400 --> 0:18:10.600 complacent with us and allow us to be in this negative, 0:18:10.840 --> 0:18:14.720 perpetual state of being. But they can hold us without 0:18:14.960 --> 0:18:18.560 this is this is the interesting thing, without their own 0:18:18.640 --> 0:18:22.560 pain being triggered because they've done their internal work. Here's 0:18:22.560 --> 0:18:25.840 an interesting thing, right whenever you when you in business 0:18:25.840 --> 0:18:29.080 circles or you're in athletic circles, you'll often hear a 0:18:29.160 --> 0:18:31.480 phrase very similar to this. You know, surround yourself with 0:18:31.520 --> 0:18:32.960 people that are better than you, like if you want 0:18:32.960 --> 0:18:35.600 to make a million dollars. Go speak to someone that's 0:18:35.600 --> 0:18:37.040 made a million dollars. If you want to make a 0:18:37.119 --> 0:18:39.320 hundred million dollars this year, then get a coach that 0:18:39.400 --> 0:18:41.240 knows how to do that. If you want to lose weight, 0:18:41.280 --> 0:18:44.320 then be with the coach who is has gone down 0:18:44.359 --> 0:18:47.119 that path, who is understands a body who shows and 0:18:47.160 --> 0:18:51.600 demonstrates that themselves. Right, it's the same in healing. Surround 0:18:51.640 --> 0:18:54.240 yourself with people that have walked that path that you 0:18:54.520 --> 0:18:58.240 want to walk because that confidence, because that's the thing. 0:18:58.440 --> 0:19:01.040 We lack the confidence to go into the pain. So 0:19:01.080 --> 0:19:03.919 when we are surrounded with people that have been there 0:19:03.960 --> 0:19:05.639 and we feel that, we don't just know it, but 0:19:05.680 --> 0:19:09.000 we feel it, that gives us confidence, and that gives 0:19:09.080 --> 0:19:11.800 us an inspiration to move into the pain. And we 0:19:11.840 --> 0:19:15.000 move into the pain. We equilibrate it, and there are 0:19:15.000 --> 0:19:16.840 methods to do that, of course, and it happens over 0:19:16.840 --> 0:19:20.280 a period of time, and then the conversation of pleasure 0:19:20.400 --> 0:19:23.000 naturally occurs. It's not something that needs to be forced 0:19:23.280 --> 0:19:26.480 because we're not in avoidance, we're not numbing. That's that's 0:19:26.480 --> 0:19:31.320 the beauty of sitting with our stuff in safe spaces. Well, 0:19:31.359 --> 0:19:33.680 I guess when you're numb the pain, you also know 0:19:33.840 --> 0:19:36.800 the pleasure, so you're just yeah, you can't have one 0:19:37.080 --> 0:19:39.840 without the other. Yeah, well it's interesting you say, you 0:19:39.840 --> 0:19:43.280 know people that can hold your pain without it triggering theirs. 0:19:43.600 --> 0:19:45.280 I think for a lot of us. I know, for 0:19:45.440 --> 0:19:50.600 myself in my family, like I'm the first generation. I'm 0:19:50.600 --> 0:19:55.320 an only child, but the first generation that is taking 0:19:55.359 --> 0:19:58.120 care of their own pain. And I think a lot 0:19:58.119 --> 0:20:01.399 of people can feel very lonely and this journey because 0:20:01.440 --> 0:20:06.320 they are the first and it's in our our family circles, 0:20:06.320 --> 0:20:09.600 in our closest circle, sometimes you are the only one. 0:20:09.760 --> 0:20:13.320 So it's like, where do I start to find those others? 0:20:13.520 --> 0:20:15.800 You know, whether it's you know, some people don't have 0:20:15.800 --> 0:20:18.720 the money to hire a coach or a therapists Like, okay, 0:20:18.720 --> 0:20:21.840 well where do I start? Where do I either start 0:20:21.880 --> 0:20:25.080 to find those communities of people that can hold me 0:20:25.240 --> 0:20:30.280 and or can you create that for yourself to like, 0:20:30.320 --> 0:20:33.400 how do we create safety when there's when we don't 0:20:33.440 --> 0:20:37.440 have another to hold us in that space? Yeah? First 0:20:37.440 --> 0:20:41.280 see your generational pattern breaker. So congratulations, I know, right, 0:20:42.720 --> 0:20:45.399 it's a beautiful thing. Yes, it's a beautiful thing for 0:20:45.560 --> 0:20:48.000 the people that you come into contact with. Including your family, 0:20:49.480 --> 0:20:52.359 because you're not going to pass that down to your children. Yeah, 0:20:52.400 --> 0:20:55.800 and I've that was one of my key reasons, you know, 0:20:55.800 --> 0:20:58.960 I'll be forty in August, and I've I've never been 0:20:59.320 --> 0:21:02.840 going home about having kids of my own because that 0:21:02.920 --> 0:21:04.560 was that was one of the things. I was like, 0:21:04.560 --> 0:21:06.439 I'm not passed. I can't pass this down. I'm not 0:21:06.480 --> 0:21:09.720 doing it. Um, And I maybe I don't know if 0:21:09.800 --> 0:21:12.080 kids from my own. I have two stepsons that I've 0:21:12.200 --> 0:21:13.960 been so fortunate to be a part of their lives, 0:21:14.000 --> 0:21:16.200 but um, I don't know if that's ever a part 0:21:16.280 --> 0:21:18.800 of my life. And that's okay. But I was really 0:21:18.840 --> 0:21:21.920 adamant about like, I can't. I can't pass this down. 0:21:22.040 --> 0:21:24.480 It has to it has to end with me. Yeah, 0:21:24.520 --> 0:21:26.240 and I can't And I can't pass it down. I 0:21:26.240 --> 0:21:28.600 can't pass it on because every interaction that we have, 0:21:29.480 --> 0:21:32.679 if we're coming from that pain, or we're coming from 0:21:32.720 --> 0:21:35.359 a place of wanting and needing to avoid that pain, 0:21:36.119 --> 0:21:40.720 we're wearing masks in every interaction we have that take 0:21:40.760 --> 0:21:44.160 away from the true essence of who we are now 0:21:44.200 --> 0:21:46.400 what that does. And we spoke about new reception early 0:21:46.480 --> 0:21:49.080 around and to get a little just very briefly technical, 0:21:49.080 --> 0:21:52.199 it's just it's just our nervous system through enteric system, 0:21:52.520 --> 0:21:54.959 just picking up on vibes in the environment, right, And 0:21:55.040 --> 0:21:57.359 it's it's an assessment that we developed over millions and 0:21:57.680 --> 0:22:01.320 years of evolution. And so if that person is picking 0:22:01.359 --> 0:22:04.320 up on you wearing masks, that will trigger them to 0:22:04.359 --> 0:22:06.480 wear masks. And now all of a sudden, you're having 0:22:06.520 --> 0:22:10.760 inauthentic conversations, and there feels like something's missing. Because we're 0:22:10.800 --> 0:22:13.040 far more intuitive, we're far more connected than what we 0:22:13.040 --> 0:22:16.000 give ourselves credit. We can't can't tap into it because 0:22:16.000 --> 0:22:21.320 of the clutter that exists in our lives or mentally, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, sexually. 0:22:22.320 --> 0:22:26.920 And so now we've got billions of people having inauthentic 0:22:26.960 --> 0:22:33.040 interactions and almost triggering traumatic interactions, which perpetuates more of that. 0:22:33.640 --> 0:22:35.040 And I want to I want to honor the question 0:22:35.080 --> 0:22:37.159