WEBVTT - Chelsea Handler on We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle 0:00:00.320 --> 0:00:04.160 Hi, everybody, This is Chelsea Today. We are dropping into 0:00:04.160 --> 0:00:06.640 an episode from another podcast that I was a guest on, 0:00:06.680 --> 0:00:09.200 which is called We Can Do Hard Things, which is 0:00:09.200 --> 0:00:12.520 Glenn and Doyle's podcast, and we thought it was such 0:00:12.560 --> 0:00:15.120 a good thing for us to share with our audience 0:00:15.160 --> 0:00:28.040 here at Dear Chelsea. So here it is welcome to 0:00:28.160 --> 0:00:31.760 We Can Do Hard Things. Today we have our dear 0:00:31.920 --> 0:00:38.120 friend Chelsea Handler, who a few days ago announced her 0:00:38.159 --> 0:00:42.400 breakup from Joe Koi and who is here today to 0:00:42.479 --> 0:00:46.879 talk about that breakup publicly for the first time. This 0:00:46.960 --> 0:00:50.640 conversation with her is well, it just changed my heart. 0:00:51.320 --> 0:00:54.400 It's a lesson in how to love and how to 0:00:54.480 --> 0:00:59.000 let go and how not to abandon yourself. Chelsea Handler, 0:01:01.560 --> 0:01:08.880 let me start your podcast for you today, busy. What's up? Hi? Um, 0:01:08.920 --> 0:01:13.080 I love you, I love you on the podcast Amanda. Um, 0:01:13.120 --> 0:01:15.720 I just wanted to say you guys. Uh, you know 0:01:16.080 --> 0:01:19.600 I we have been trying to schedule this for months 0:01:19.840 --> 0:01:21.360 for me to come on, and I was going to 0:01:21.440 --> 0:01:24.360 come on with my my boyfriend who's now my ex boyfriend, 0:01:24.440 --> 0:01:28.679 Joe Coy and uh, I was scheduled and because Glennon 0:01:28.720 --> 0:01:33.880 and I have a very beautiful honest history together. Uh. 0:01:33.959 --> 0:01:36.399 When we were scheduled, we were having some issues and 0:01:36.440 --> 0:01:38.000 I texted her and said, I don't think this is 0:01:38.040 --> 0:01:39.480 a good time for us to come on and be 0:01:39.560 --> 0:01:43.800 representing relationships or couples or anything. You know, We're gonna 0:01:43.840 --> 0:01:46.280 head to some therapy and try and sort this out. 0:01:46.480 --> 0:01:50.480 And and now here I am alone. Uh, And I 0:01:50.560 --> 0:01:54.400 just publicly announced that Joe Coy and I are, you know, 0:01:54.560 --> 0:01:58.680 going our separate ways, and I can't couldn't be happier 0:01:58.720 --> 0:02:00.560 to be spending this morning with all three of you. 0:02:01.480 --> 0:02:03.560 I feel the exact same way I wish I was 0:02:03.560 --> 0:02:06.400 actually just on your couch right now, but this will 0:02:06.400 --> 0:02:08.120 do my lab. I wish you were on my lab 0:02:08.200 --> 0:02:12.280 right now. Same just just holding me like a baby, 0:02:12.480 --> 0:02:16.680 That's what I wish. That's what I wish, a reverse babyhold. 0:02:17.440 --> 0:02:19.440 That's how I feel right now. I mean, I just 0:02:19.840 --> 0:02:23.360 I love you so big and have for so long, 0:02:23.639 --> 0:02:28.680 and I just, um, I'm grateful to be with you 0:02:28.760 --> 0:02:30.880 this morning. I can't believe that it worked this way, 0:02:31.120 --> 0:02:34.920 but it's the universe working all of us together at 0:02:34.919 --> 0:02:39.720 the same time. So yes, yes, here I am, and uh, yeah, 0:02:39.760 --> 0:02:42.079 here we all are. How are you right? Now in 0:02:42.160 --> 0:02:45.600 this moment, I'm I'm okay. I mean, I feel, you know, 0:02:46.520 --> 0:02:50.520 optimistic about the future. Now. I've changed so much and 0:02:50.560 --> 0:02:52.920 I've loved my love was like so big that it 0:02:53.000 --> 0:02:57.000 just blew me open. And as painful as the ending 0:02:57.000 --> 0:03:02.160 of something like that is, I'm I'm oh well versed 0:03:02.280 --> 0:03:07.280 in therapy and understanding that every door shutting is a 0:03:07.320 --> 0:03:09.560 new beginning, and I do believe it. I don't think 0:03:09.600 --> 0:03:13.280 that's horseshit. I think that when you have the the 0:03:13.360 --> 0:03:17.079 grounding and the courage to say you know that something 0:03:17.120 --> 0:03:20.080 isn't working, you're saying a lot more than that to 0:03:20.160 --> 0:03:22.959 the whole world, you know, and you're inviting in things 0:03:23.040 --> 0:03:27.600 that are going to be workable and more um suited 0:03:27.639 --> 0:03:31.639 to your needs and what what you're available for. And 0:03:31.680 --> 0:03:35.320 so I'm I'm really happy to be handling a breakup 0:03:35.400 --> 0:03:37.960 in an honest way for the first time in my life, 0:03:38.440 --> 0:03:43.080 you know, instead of you know, distracting, deflecting, and and 0:03:43.080 --> 0:03:45.480 and doing all these things to be like I'm I'm fine, 0:03:45.520 --> 0:03:47.480 I'm fine, I'm fine, And then you know, the delayed 0:03:47.480 --> 0:03:49.440 grief hits you three or four months later, and you're 0:03:49.440 --> 0:03:52.120 on your knees and you haven't really dealt with anything. 0:03:52.720 --> 0:03:54.880 And in this instance, uh, you know, this has been 0:03:54.920 --> 0:03:57.480 happening for some time with us, and I've been dealing 0:03:57.560 --> 0:04:00.640 with it in real time in therapy, out of therapy, 0:04:00.680 --> 0:04:04.080 with my girlfriends, with all my support systems, knowing that 0:04:04.120 --> 0:04:06.160 when you where you're in pain, to sit with it, 0:04:06.400 --> 0:04:09.840 not to go away or take an edible, even though 0:04:09.880 --> 0:04:14.400 I always love edibles, um you know, not to not 0:04:14.480 --> 0:04:17.120 to try to numb your pain. Is what I've learned. 0:04:17.680 --> 0:04:19.520 That is the best way to get through grief in 0:04:19.560 --> 0:04:22.760 a real, responsible way and in a healthy way where 0:04:22.760 --> 0:04:24.760 it's not going to come and sneak up on you later, 0:04:24.960 --> 0:04:29.000 you know, because as anyone who's listening knows, when you're 0:04:29.040 --> 0:04:32.360 in a relationship um or you break up from a 0:04:32.680 --> 0:04:37.360 love relationship, it is an emotional roller coaster. And one 0:04:37.440 --> 0:04:39.440 day you think you're killing it and the next day 0:04:39.600 --> 0:04:43.920 you are not killing it. And that is now like 0:04:44.240 --> 0:04:47.119 the understanding of those emotions that they're coming, like Okay, 0:04:47.160 --> 0:04:50.000 you're feeling strong now, just wait, something's around the corner. 0:04:50.760 --> 0:04:55.400 And conversely that that's true, so uh, I'm much more. 0:04:55.960 --> 0:04:58.920 I have my tool kit now and that's the most 0:04:58.920 --> 0:05:01.680 invaluable thing that I forgot from Dr Dan Siegel is 0:05:01.680 --> 0:05:04.920 my tool kit and he made me a like an 0:05:04.960 --> 0:05:08.880 actualized self aware of person and being. You know, having 0:05:08.880 --> 0:05:12.279 the gift of self awareness has been the biggest gift 0:05:12.320 --> 0:05:14.840 that I've been given in this life. What's in your 0:05:14.880 --> 0:05:17.279 toolkit that you're going to pull out today? Because this 0:05:17.360 --> 0:05:21.200 is like day one? Well we have dealing with this 0:05:21.320 --> 0:05:23.640 behind the scenes for a while, so but yes it's 0:05:23.640 --> 0:05:27.360 publicly day one. Um, what's in my tool kit? You know? 0:05:27.560 --> 0:05:30.600 I meditate. I read a lot, you know, especially when 0:05:30.600 --> 0:05:32.200 I want to go to the TV to just kind 0:05:32.200 --> 0:05:35.640 of zone out. I don't. I well, I do sometimes, 0:05:35.720 --> 0:05:39.240 but I you know, in times like this, uh, you know, 0:05:39.320 --> 0:05:41.159 I read stuff that I know is going to help me. 0:05:41.480 --> 0:05:44.800 I like, I listened to things that I think are 0:05:44.800 --> 0:05:49.680 going to help me, and I'm I I allowed the 0:05:49.720 --> 0:05:53.599 time for reflection, you know, like sitting in my backyard 0:05:53.640 --> 0:05:56.240 and looking at the trees and thinking about everything that 0:05:56.400 --> 0:05:58.760 has transpired and all the good things that I got 0:05:58.760 --> 0:06:03.120 out of this and all the greatness it inspired, and 0:06:03.200 --> 0:06:05.479 so many other people, all the people that would come 0:06:05.560 --> 0:06:07.479 running up to us on the streets of New York 0:06:07.560 --> 0:06:10.800 City or Memphis or wherever we were being like, we 0:06:10.839 --> 0:06:12.920 want your love, we want your love, you know. Like 0:06:13.279 --> 0:06:15.680 that made me believe in so much. It made me 0:06:15.720 --> 0:06:18.400 believe that there is somebody for everybody. And I still 0:06:18.440 --> 0:06:21.880 believe that. You know, my person is coming, and whether 0:06:21.960 --> 0:06:25.239 that is Joe koy In, you know, at a certain time, 0:06:25.400 --> 0:06:28.920 or if it's not, like I accept that I don't, 0:06:28.920 --> 0:06:32.360 I'm not, you know, in that immature mode where I 0:06:32.400 --> 0:06:34.880 need to know the answers. I mean, we all want 0:06:34.920 --> 0:06:37.560 to know when we're breaking up what the answers are. 0:06:37.600 --> 0:06:40.200 But you know, that's part of the unknowings as to 0:06:40.440 --> 0:06:43.640 that's part of the maturity is to be sit in 0:06:43.680 --> 0:06:47.680 the unknowing and and still function and and just go, yeah, 0:06:47.760 --> 0:06:52.080 this is where I am right now. Nothing is breaking me. 0:06:54.240 --> 0:06:56.280 How did you know? This is a question that I 0:06:56.360 --> 0:06:59.480 think about all the time, work with work with relationships, 0:06:59.520 --> 0:07:02.880 with every thing. How do you know? How did you 0:07:02.960 --> 0:07:08.159 know when it was time to stop digging? Because it's 0:07:08.200 --> 0:07:10.800 like hard to know when to dig deeper in a 0:07:10.840 --> 0:07:14.040 relationship and when to quit digging, like when a relationship 0:07:14.080 --> 0:07:16.040 is the right kind of heart or the wrong kind 0:07:16.040 --> 0:07:20.800 of heart. I think when you know it becomes untenable 0:07:21.080 --> 0:07:24.640 and it becomes unhealthy, Like if you're arguing, you know, 0:07:24.960 --> 0:07:28.560 it's devolving. If you can't have conversations that are calm 0:07:28.680 --> 0:07:32.400 and loving and constant, and you're not a team, you're 0:07:32.440 --> 0:07:37.360 not feeling like a team, and then it's becomes untenable. 0:07:37.480 --> 0:07:41.440 People are are open sometimes in their lives and sometimes 0:07:41.480 --> 0:07:44.120 they're really closed off, and a lot of people it's 0:07:44.160 --> 0:07:46.640 not a fun job to do the work of looking inward, 0:07:46.720 --> 0:07:49.360 like we all know that it's ugly. And if someone 0:07:49.400 --> 0:07:52.240 had told me before I went to therapy, hey, you're 0:07:52.240 --> 0:07:55.160 gonna be going, you know, to this guy for two years, 0:07:55.240 --> 0:07:58.360 two or three times a week and fucking crying every 0:07:58.400 --> 0:08:02.360 single day for two hours and feeling like, you know, 0:08:02.720 --> 0:08:06.680 a lunatic and out of control and unspooled and all 0:08:06.720 --> 0:08:08.880 of this thing. I would have been like, no way 0:08:08.960 --> 0:08:11.440 am I doing that. I don't have time to feel 0:08:11.560 --> 0:08:15.200 that bad about myself. And so it's not an attractive 0:08:15.840 --> 0:08:19.400 endeavor for many people, And especially when you're pain and 0:08:19.560 --> 0:08:23.920 your trauma is right here. I understand the wanting to 0:08:23.960 --> 0:08:26.960 avoid that, the avoidance of wanting to look in with that, 0:08:27.520 --> 0:08:29.600 and I think, you know, I'm at a place in 0:08:29.640 --> 0:08:31.559 my life that I have to be with somebody who's 0:08:31.600 --> 0:08:34.320 where I'm at with that. And you know that's not 0:08:34.400 --> 0:08:36.640 to say anything about Joe Koy. I love him and 0:08:36.720 --> 0:08:40.160 he's on his own path, and you know, I just 0:08:40.640 --> 0:08:43.000 that's that's what I need as a human being. I 0:08:43.040 --> 0:08:46.400 had to have a conversation with myself about how much, 0:08:46.640 --> 0:08:50.280 you know, like not, I wasn't going to abandon myself, 0:08:51.720 --> 0:08:53.560 you know, and if I have to choose one person, 0:08:54.400 --> 0:09:00.720 I have to choose myself. Yeah. Yeah, So is that 0:09:01.080 --> 0:09:05.400 the wrong kind of heart is when you stay in something, 0:09:05.960 --> 0:09:09.120 when you choose the thing and you abandon yourself for 0:09:09.240 --> 0:09:14.319 that thing. Yeah, when you choose to lower your standards, 0:09:14.360 --> 0:09:19.000 your expectations when you're it's nice to twist and move 0:09:19.120 --> 0:09:20.959 for somebody, you know what I mean, It's nice to 0:09:21.000 --> 0:09:23.920 be bendable. Because I used to be so intransigent in 0:09:23.960 --> 0:09:26.960 my relationships. My opinions were fully formed. I knew it 0:09:27.000 --> 0:09:29.600 was right, everybody was wrong. If you disagreed with me, 0:09:29.679 --> 0:09:31.240 you didn't know what you were talking about until you 0:09:31.240 --> 0:09:33.200 agreed with me, and then I could explain to you 0:09:33.280 --> 0:09:36.360 some more truths, like let me explain what's going on 0:09:36.400 --> 0:09:38.040 in the world, Do you know what I mean? Like 0:09:38.200 --> 0:09:41.920 that attitude when you need to be right is always 0:09:41.960 --> 0:09:44.600 when you're wrong. You know when you need to be right. 0:09:44.800 --> 0:09:49.240 And so I think when you're not communicating in a 0:09:49.240 --> 0:09:54.400 loving way and that becomes a regular thing, then you 0:09:54.480 --> 0:09:57.000 have to call it out of love and respect for 0:09:57.040 --> 0:10:00.080 both of you. You can't continue like that, and I 0:10:00.080 --> 0:10:03.040 don't and you so so, Like I said, it's nice 0:10:03.080 --> 0:10:06.080 to bend for people. It's nice to learn how to compromise. 0:10:06.520 --> 0:10:08.920 It's nice to be able to demonstrate my love publicly. 0:10:09.000 --> 0:10:12.480 That was something I was never able to do for anybody, 0:10:12.520 --> 0:10:15.440 but I I believe Joe needed that, you know, And 0:10:15.480 --> 0:10:17.880 it was part for that, partly for that, and partly 0:10:17.920 --> 0:10:20.679 for our fans because of the reaction we got when 0:10:20.679 --> 0:10:23.040 we got together. That warmed my heart so much. And 0:10:23.080 --> 0:10:25.559 I was like, oh god, I'm gonna make everybody fall 0:10:25.600 --> 0:10:27.680 in love, like I'm gonna find a I'm gonna find 0:10:27.720 --> 0:10:30.840 a lid for every pot, you know. And I was 0:10:30.880 --> 0:10:33.719 so inspired by our us. I know, like, if you 0:10:33.800 --> 0:10:36.559 cracked me open, I can. But you know, Joe didn't 0:10:36.600 --> 0:10:40.559 crack me open. My psychiatrists cracked me open, and then 0:10:40.640 --> 0:10:43.559 I was open, and then I was able to bend 0:10:43.640 --> 0:10:46.960 for somebody and move and compromise and make them the 0:10:46.960 --> 0:10:52.280 biggest part of my life. But you you can't change somebody, 0:10:52.760 --> 0:10:56.000 you know, intrinsically, and and so I was willing to 0:10:56.040 --> 0:10:58.720 do so much bending, but that there's a line. And 0:10:58.760 --> 0:11:01.600 I'm very proud of myself because I didn't let myself 0:11:01.640 --> 0:11:06.960 cross that line. You know, it's such a freaking it's 0:11:07.000 --> 0:11:12.360 such a it's a love lesson and as just as inspiring, 0:11:12.360 --> 0:11:14.920 if not more inspiring than like I found a lid 0:11:15.000 --> 0:11:19.640 for my pot, Like I'm not changing my pot. What 0:11:19.679 --> 0:11:24.640 do you mean when you say you're psychiatrist? Broke you open? Well, 0:11:24.640 --> 0:11:28.400 he opened me. You know, I had all these stipulations, 0:11:28.440 --> 0:11:33.320 all this protective gear about, you know, protecting myself against 0:11:33.400 --> 0:11:35.960 men because of my history, because of my brother passing 0:11:35.960 --> 0:11:37.880 away when I was a little girl, and my father 0:11:37.960 --> 0:11:43.200 retreating emotionally psychologically afterward. He could never get past my 0:11:43.240 --> 0:11:46.240 brother dying. He just was never the same. So there 0:11:46.320 --> 0:11:49.040 was like an abandonment, you know, on both fronts. And 0:11:49.080 --> 0:11:52.760 because of that trauma, I layered and wrapped myself up 0:11:52.800 --> 0:11:55.920 in this bitch like fuck you, if especially if you're 0:11:55.920 --> 0:11:57.920 a man, back the funk up, because I'm going to 0:11:58.000 --> 0:12:00.439 tell you what to do, and I'm not gonna need 0:12:00.480 --> 0:12:04.640 anything from you. You know. Financial independence was like always 0:12:04.720 --> 0:12:07.960 like never ever, ever, ever rely on anyone but yourself, 0:12:08.000 --> 0:12:10.920 you know, like this, I had to grow myself up 0:12:11.040 --> 0:12:13.200 when I was a little girl. And we've all had 0:12:13.200 --> 0:12:15.880 our ship. And anyone who pretends that there haven't been 0:12:15.920 --> 0:12:18.600 through ship, then come to my house and I'll show 0:12:18.600 --> 0:12:20.679 you some ship, you know what I mean. Like it's bullshit, 0:12:21.640 --> 0:12:26.160 But um uh, I think that Dan. He took my 0:12:26.280 --> 0:12:29.000 judgments and he just broke them apart. Like when I 0:12:29.040 --> 0:12:30.800 would say, oh, I can't go out with this guy 0:12:30.840 --> 0:12:32.880 because of this, or I couldn't go out with Joe 0:12:33.000 --> 0:12:35.520 Koy because he drove a white Ferrari, I'm like, I've 0:12:35.559 --> 0:12:37.880 been there, done that, Okay, already went out with fifty cent. 0:12:37.920 --> 0:12:39.959 I don't need a fucking white Ferrari in my life. 0:12:40.200 --> 0:12:44.800 It's embarrassing for me to get out of a white Ferrari. Okay, 0:12:45.800 --> 0:12:47.720 why not have proud A written right on the side 0:12:47.720 --> 0:12:50.800 of it, you know, Like I couldn't like stuff like that. 0:12:50.800 --> 0:12:53.720 That was not a deal breaker or not a real 0:12:53.800 --> 0:12:56.400 non negotiable, but I had made it one. You know. 0:12:56.840 --> 0:12:58.560 I once went on a date with a guy who 0:12:58.559 --> 0:13:01.160 wore an air May's belt that I hadn't seen because 0:13:01.160 --> 0:13:03.840 he was seated when I arrived and when we got 0:13:04.200 --> 0:13:06.119 but when he got up to go to the bathroom, 0:13:06.240 --> 0:13:08.679 Oh no, he got up when I got there, and 0:13:08.760 --> 0:13:10.760 I saw it. And when he got up to go 0:13:10.800 --> 0:13:13.160 to the bathroom, like forty five minutes later, I got 0:13:13.160 --> 0:13:15.440 my purse and walked back to the door. I was like, 0:13:15.760 --> 0:13:18.280 what I was like, is this guy fucking for real? 0:13:18.400 --> 0:13:20.040 First of all, he was wearing cologne and an air 0:13:20.120 --> 0:13:22.360 Mas belt, So I was like, this is a no brainer. 0:13:22.640 --> 0:13:27.200 There's no way any penetration could ever happen with this man, 0:13:27.360 --> 0:13:30.320 no matter how many showers he took after back alone 0:13:30.440 --> 0:13:32.640 or how many other belts he had. Right, you would 0:13:32.679 --> 0:13:36.520 have had to abandon yourself. Yeah, I would have exactly, Yeah, 0:13:36.559 --> 0:13:40.480 a different sort of abandoning, but um but yes, No, 0:13:40.720 --> 0:13:43.199 Dan really just made me look at myself and like, 0:13:43.240 --> 0:13:45.960 what are all these protections about? You know, why do 0:13:46.040 --> 0:13:47.640 you think that you don't need a man? Why do 0:13:47.720 --> 0:13:49.520 you think that you don't need a partner? Why do 0:13:49.520 --> 0:13:52.280 you why? I'm like, because I'm happy. But it was 0:13:52.320 --> 0:13:56.600 a defense, you know, It was like now I know, Oh, 0:13:56.720 --> 0:13:59.000 and added it like, as long as it's an addition, 0:13:59.120 --> 0:14:01.439 you know, no one's to subtract from what I've built 0:14:01.480 --> 0:14:04.600 for myself, from my family, from my friends, from the 0:14:04.720 --> 0:14:08.559 love and that I've surrounded myself with. Like my friendships 0:14:08.600 --> 0:14:12.319 are so deep now, they're real, you know, they're not 0:14:12.720 --> 0:14:16.199 based on bullshit or convenience or me having a talk 0:14:16.200 --> 0:14:19.160 show and having to have fake friendships with a million people. 0:14:19.680 --> 0:14:23.160 It's it's not like that anymore. Like everything is authentic, 0:14:23.200 --> 0:14:25.240 And if you're my friend, it's because I love you, 0:14:25.600 --> 0:14:28.880 and it's because you've shown me love as well. And 0:14:28.880 --> 0:14:32.320 and I've just I mean, he he really made me 0:14:32.440 --> 0:14:37.200 understand all the barriers I had around me, and I 0:14:37.240 --> 0:14:39.960 was able to pick that apart slowly. And then with 0:14:40.080 --> 0:14:43.560 Joe Koy, he just kept showing up and showing up 0:14:43.600 --> 0:14:47.080 and showing up, and I capitulated because I fell for 0:14:47.200 --> 0:14:48.880 him and I fell in love with him because he 0:14:48.960 --> 0:14:54.400 has so many amazing qualities, and I realized how how 0:14:54.440 --> 0:14:57.440 what that can be, what what a partnership can be. 0:14:57.600 --> 0:15:00.800 Like Whereas I used to eschew like, oh I'm not 0:15:01.200 --> 0:15:02.880 you know, like I don't want to wake up with 0:15:02.920 --> 0:15:06.200 somebody in my space. I mean like you two with 0:15:06.240 --> 0:15:09.800 your videos all the time, like the day when you 0:15:09.840 --> 0:15:13.200 were just like I hate everything, I'm sad all the time. 0:15:13.280 --> 0:15:15.920 I'm like, God, Abby does not miss a fucking beat 0:15:15.920 --> 0:15:20.200 with this camera, like you know, and I'm like, oh, 0:15:20.800 --> 0:15:23.520 I thought that that would gross me out, to have 0:15:23.640 --> 0:15:26.960 someone in my space so much and to be connected 0:15:27.000 --> 0:15:29.440 to someone so much that our dinners were always going 0:15:29.480 --> 0:15:33.400 to be together, or every vacation was was going to 0:15:33.480 --> 0:15:36.280 be together. And I learned now that I love that, 0:15:36.720 --> 0:15:39.240 Like I love the togetherness, you know, with the right 0:15:39.320 --> 0:15:43.040 person and the right chemistry, like and the healthiness of it, 0:15:43.560 --> 0:15:45.880 Like that is something that I am going to look 0:15:45.920 --> 0:16:04.280 for again. How did this particular relationship change you? Because 0:16:04.840 --> 0:16:08.200 it's such an interesting paradigm we have set up for women, 0:16:08.240 --> 0:16:11.680 which is like, if the only victory is a fappily 0:16:11.760 --> 0:16:15.400 ever after, forever and ever, if we set that bullshit up, 0:16:15.480 --> 0:16:18.120 and then what is the inverse of that? A failure 0:16:18.160 --> 0:16:24.000 is a breakup? But actually any relationship that changes you 0:16:24.080 --> 0:16:26.560 to the point that you look like this has changed 0:16:26.600 --> 0:16:30.000 you in terms of like being broken open in a beautiful, 0:16:30.040 --> 0:16:33.960 illuminating way. Yeah, it feels like great success to me. 0:16:34.040 --> 0:16:38.280 So what how has this particular one changed you. Well, 0:16:38.320 --> 0:16:42.360 I think you know my heart is not closing because 0:16:42.480 --> 0:16:46.000 we're breaking up. That's one way I'm not like, oh god, 0:16:46.040 --> 0:16:47.960 I'm done with men, you know. I mean I joked 0:16:48.000 --> 0:16:49.920 with you yesterday texting that you know, I'm one step 0:16:49.960 --> 0:16:52.800 closer to becoming a lesbian. We can buy, but that 0:16:53.200 --> 0:16:59.000 better isn't with the demonstration of men in their behavior 0:16:59.080 --> 0:17:02.480 the last five years is a mass exodus of adults 0:17:02.480 --> 0:17:06.520 on set lesbians. I'm happening. Let's be honest. Everyone is 0:17:06.560 --> 0:17:10.000 considering it. So people who are not naturally have no 0:17:10.080 --> 0:17:17.119 predilection towards women are like I could do that, yeah, 0:17:17.560 --> 0:17:20.240 but how he changed me? You know, his vibe, his energy, 0:17:20.400 --> 0:17:23.800 he like injected that. He has an infectious way about him, 0:17:24.400 --> 0:17:28.160 and he's up and upbeat, and you know, he gives 0:17:28.160 --> 0:17:30.800 everybody hugs all the time, which annoys the ship out 0:17:30.800 --> 0:17:33.560 of me because he tells everybody he meets, I love you, 0:17:33.680 --> 0:17:35.280 and I had, you know, I had to start saying 0:17:35.320 --> 0:17:37.400 that to my people I work at my house, whether 0:17:37.440 --> 0:17:40.760 it's the pool guy, the landscaper, my housekeeper, who I 0:17:41.000 --> 0:17:43.320 do love because we've been together for like sixteen years. 0:17:43.359 --> 0:17:45.840 But like I was telling the Pool guy that I 0:17:45.840 --> 0:17:48.199 loved him at the end of our relationship, like, oh, like, 0:17:48.240 --> 0:17:51.160 I love you, and then I'm like, if I don't 0:17:51.160 --> 0:17:53.000 do it, I'm like a big fucking gun, you know 0:17:53.040 --> 0:17:56.000 what I mean. After Joe's hugging everybody, so I was 0:17:56.080 --> 0:18:00.159 hugging everybody, and and he's changed me in that way. 0:18:00.200 --> 0:18:02.040 I mean, I'm not going to continue hugging everybody. That's 0:18:02.040 --> 0:18:03.600 too much. And that's just too much. I mean, I 0:18:03.840 --> 0:18:06.200 don't mind hugging, but like it's much better than a handshake. 0:18:06.240 --> 0:18:09.199 That's gross at this point. Um, but I don't need 0:18:09.240 --> 0:18:11.880 to be telling everybody I love them. I can give 0:18:11.920 --> 0:18:15.560 love without you know, there are things that he injected 0:18:15.560 --> 0:18:18.919 into me that made me just realized, like my stoke 0:18:19.040 --> 0:18:22.879 for stand up, you know, came back. My desire and 0:18:22.960 --> 0:18:26.320 my ambition is back, Whereas I was kind of for 0:18:26.359 --> 0:18:28.359 a couple of years like who gives a shit about 0:18:28.400 --> 0:18:31.439 all of this? I was so judgmental about myself and 0:18:31.560 --> 0:18:36.480 my participation in Hollywood, in my identity as a famous 0:18:36.520 --> 0:18:40.200 person and what did that mean? And how empty was that? 0:18:40.320 --> 0:18:42.320 You know? All as a result of therapy where you 0:18:42.359 --> 0:18:46.080 start to analyze what what's your motivation and are you 0:18:46.160 --> 0:18:50.440 okay with your identity being completely tied to being a celebrity, 0:18:50.440 --> 0:18:53.960 Like what does that mean about you? And is that 0:18:54.240 --> 0:18:58.919 all you've got? The self realization of everything made me 0:18:59.040 --> 0:19:03.960 kind of be picked out by ambition, by working, by 0:19:04.000 --> 0:19:07.040 by by putting my nose down or my head down 0:19:07.040 --> 0:19:09.879 and doing kind of hard the hard stuff, you know, 0:19:10.040 --> 0:19:12.920 like going back to stand up after I had left 0:19:12.920 --> 0:19:14.600 it for so many years. I mean I did that 0:19:14.680 --> 0:19:17.919 before Joe, but like he reinvigorated my love for it. 0:19:18.000 --> 0:19:20.520 He just directed my special that I shot in Nashville, 0:19:20.600 --> 0:19:24.119 the Rhyman. He really changed the way that I view work, 0:19:24.680 --> 0:19:26.800 which is great for me because I'm ready for like 0:19:27.040 --> 0:19:29.840 you know, I'm back in it now and I'm into 0:19:29.880 --> 0:19:33.400 it and for the right reasons, not for the motivation 0:19:33.720 --> 0:19:38.000 that I was questioning earlier. Do you think that those 0:19:38.040 --> 0:19:41.520 were defense mechanisms too, Like if you don't let people 0:19:41.720 --> 0:19:45.080 in because you can be jaded and you can keep 0:19:45.119 --> 0:19:48.399 them out from touching you. With the same apply for 0:19:48.400 --> 0:19:50.399 your love for your work. If you say like, oh 0:19:50.440 --> 0:19:54.119 this is this doesn't mean anything. I mean if you 0:19:54.200 --> 0:19:57.000 allow it in, does that actually let you love your 0:19:57.000 --> 0:19:59.920 work again? Do you think think I think there's a. 0:20:00.280 --> 0:20:02.600 I mean there's a big you know, I'm so much 0:20:02.640 --> 0:20:05.119 more present than I used to be. I used to 0:20:05.119 --> 0:20:07.400 get on stage, have a couple of drinks to be like, fuck, 0:20:07.720 --> 0:20:09.919 when is this going to be over? Like, you know, 0:20:10.080 --> 0:20:12.920 not respecting the fact that people are there spending money 0:20:12.960 --> 0:20:16.000 on me, you know, just kind of collecting, collecting all 0:20:16.000 --> 0:20:19.439 my good stuff and not really respecting the people that 0:20:19.480 --> 0:20:22.439 are there. You know, now I go on stage, my 0:20:22.480 --> 0:20:25.520 stand up has never been sharper. I'm always like strong, 0:20:26.119 --> 0:20:28.560 I'm clear headed, I have a clarity that I haven't 0:20:28.560 --> 0:20:32.160 had and so long. And yeah, yeah, it's taking things 0:20:32.200 --> 0:20:34.200 for granted. You know, when you're not able to look 0:20:34.240 --> 0:20:36.800 at yourself, you're not able to look at your motivations 0:20:37.200 --> 0:20:41.520 and what's behind everything. And you know, in this business especially, 0:20:41.680 --> 0:20:44.159 it can get pretty confusing if you're not centered and 0:20:44.200 --> 0:20:47.639 grounded and constantly reminding yourself that you're just you're just 0:20:47.680 --> 0:20:50.760 a human being. This isn't at all. This does not 0:20:50.920 --> 0:20:53.120 define you. It is a part of who you are, 0:20:53.160 --> 0:20:57.560 it is not all of who you are. So you're 0:20:57.600 --> 0:21:00.840 you um announced this yesterday? First of all, what made 0:21:00.920 --> 0:21:05.119 you announce the break up last night? Like, did you 0:21:05.160 --> 0:21:06.919 have a moment where you're like, all right, this is it? Like, 0:21:06.960 --> 0:21:09.680 how did you decide that it was the right time. Well, 0:21:09.720 --> 0:21:13.280 my publicist called and outlets were calling and asking. It 0:21:13.359 --> 0:21:16.840 was getting leaked by people, So, uh, we split up 0:21:16.880 --> 0:21:20.760 about a month ago, and it's like, I figured we 0:21:20.800 --> 0:21:23.800 could just reconvene when we all when everything kind of 0:21:23.800 --> 0:21:27.679 cooled down, and I just figured it was time. You know, 0:21:27.880 --> 0:21:30.240 he's got a big movie coming out, and I did 0:21:30.240 --> 0:21:32.040 not want him to be standing on the red carpet 0:21:32.080 --> 0:21:37.760 answering questions about me in his big moment. And you know, 0:21:37.880 --> 0:21:40.199 Joe pretty much takes my lead on things, so I 0:21:40.200 --> 0:21:42.760 thought I better get ahead of it, not ahead of it, 0:21:42.800 --> 0:21:45.280 and I just better meet the moment and you know, 0:21:45.680 --> 0:21:48.560 actually tell everybody how I really feel instead of ignoring it. 0:21:48.640 --> 0:21:50.399 I hate that, you know. I mean, it's been such 0:21:50.440 --> 0:21:52.679 a public relationship. It would be silly to pretend it 0:21:52.680 --> 0:21:56.560 didn't happen. Do you mind if I read a little 0:21:56.600 --> 0:21:59.760 bit of it? No, okay, because I just think that 0:22:00.200 --> 0:22:03.400 I just want to talk to you about the beauty 0:22:03.480 --> 0:22:08.040 of this actual announcement because it's like a love letter 0:22:08.840 --> 0:22:11.040 and I think it's it will it's going to teach 0:22:12.400 --> 0:22:15.560 so many people how to do this in a way 0:22:15.600 --> 0:22:19.240 that is both powerful and beautiful and is a victory. 0:22:20.359 --> 0:22:24.399 M Um, Okay, here it goes. I'm not a crier, 0:22:24.480 --> 0:22:31.160