1
00:00:00,320 --> 00:00:04,160
Speaker 1: Hi, everybody, This is Chelsea Today. We are dropping into

2
00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:06,640
Speaker 1: an episode from another podcast that I was a guest on,

3
00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:09,200
Speaker 1: which is called We Can Do Hard Things, which is

4
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:12,520
Speaker 1: Glenn and Doyle's podcast, and we thought it was such

5
00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:15,120
Speaker 1: a good thing for us to share with our audience

6
00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:28,040
Speaker 1: here at Dear Chelsea. So here it is welcome to

7
00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:31,760
Speaker 1: We Can Do Hard Things. Today we have our dear

8
00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:38,120
Speaker 1: friend Chelsea Handler, who a few days ago announced her

9
00:00:38,159 --> 00:00:42,400
Speaker 1: breakup from Joe Koi and who is here today to

10
00:00:42,479 --> 00:00:46,879
Speaker 1: talk about that breakup publicly for the first time. This

11
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:50,640
Speaker 1: conversation with her is well, it just changed my heart.

12
00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:54,400
Speaker 1: It's a lesson in how to love and how to

13
00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:59,000
Speaker 1: let go and how not to abandon yourself. Chelsea Handler,

14
00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:08,880
Speaker 1: let me start your podcast for you today, busy. What's up? Hi? Um,

15
00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:13,080
Speaker 1: I love you, I love you on the podcast Amanda. Um,

16
00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:15,720
Speaker 1: I just wanted to say you guys. Uh, you know

17
00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:19,600
Speaker 1: I we have been trying to schedule this for months

18
00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:21,360
Speaker 1: for me to come on, and I was going to

19
00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:24,360
Speaker 1: come on with my my boyfriend who's now my ex boyfriend,

20
00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:28,679
Speaker 1: Joe Coy and uh, I was scheduled and because Glennon

21
00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:33,880
Speaker 1: and I have a very beautiful honest history together. Uh.

22
00:01:33,959 --> 00:01:36,399
Speaker 1: When we were scheduled, we were having some issues and

23
00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:38,000
Speaker 1: I texted her and said, I don't think this is

24
00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:39,480
Speaker 1: a good time for us to come on and be

25
00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:43,800
Speaker 1: representing relationships or couples or anything. You know, We're gonna

26
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:46,280
Speaker 1: head to some therapy and try and sort this out.

27
00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:50,480
Speaker 1: And and now here I am alone. Uh, And I

28
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:54,400
Speaker 1: just publicly announced that Joe Coy and I are, you know,

29
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:58,680
Speaker 1: going our separate ways, and I can't couldn't be happier

30
00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:00,560
Speaker 1: to be spending this morning with all three of you.

31
00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:03,560
Speaker 1: I feel the exact same way I wish I was

32
00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,400
Speaker 1: actually just on your couch right now, but this will

33
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,120
Speaker 1: do my lab. I wish you were on my lab

34
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:12,280
Speaker 1: right now. Same just just holding me like a baby,

35
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:16,680
Speaker 1: That's what I wish. That's what I wish, a reverse babyhold.

36
00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:19,440
Speaker 1: That's how I feel right now. I mean, I just

37
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:23,360
Speaker 1: I love you so big and have for so long,

38
00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:28,680
Speaker 1: and I just, um, I'm grateful to be with you

39
00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:30,880
Speaker 1: this morning. I can't believe that it worked this way,

40
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:34,920
Speaker 1: but it's the universe working all of us together at

41
00:02:34,919 --> 00:02:39,720
Speaker 1: the same time. So yes, yes, here I am, and uh, yeah,

42
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,079
Speaker 1: here we all are. How are you right? Now in

43
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:45,600
Speaker 1: this moment, I'm I'm okay. I mean, I feel, you know,

44
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:50,520
Speaker 1: optimistic about the future. Now. I've changed so much and

45
00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,920
Speaker 1: I've loved my love was like so big that it

46
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:57,000
Speaker 1: just blew me open. And as painful as the ending

47
00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:02,160
Speaker 1: of something like that is, I'm I'm oh well versed

48
00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:07,280
Speaker 1: in therapy and understanding that every door shutting is a

49
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,560
Speaker 1: new beginning, and I do believe it. I don't think

50
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:13,280
Speaker 1: that's horseshit. I think that when you have the the

51
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:17,079
Speaker 1: grounding and the courage to say you know that something

52
00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:20,080
Speaker 1: isn't working, you're saying a lot more than that to

53
00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:22,959
Speaker 1: the whole world, you know, and you're inviting in things

54
00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:27,600
Speaker 1: that are going to be workable and more um suited

55
00:03:27,639 --> 00:03:31,639
Speaker 1: to your needs and what what you're available for. And

56
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:35,320
Speaker 1: so I'm I'm really happy to be handling a breakup

57
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,960
Speaker 1: in an honest way for the first time in my life,

58
00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:43,080
Speaker 1: you know, instead of you know, distracting, deflecting, and and

59
00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,480
Speaker 1: and doing all these things to be like I'm I'm fine,

60
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,480
Speaker 1: I'm fine, I'm fine, And then you know, the delayed

61
00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:49,440
Speaker 1: grief hits you three or four months later, and you're

62
00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:52,120
Speaker 1: on your knees and you haven't really dealt with anything.

63
00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:54,880
Speaker 1: And in this instance, uh, you know, this has been

64
00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:57,480
Speaker 1: happening for some time with us, and I've been dealing

65
00:03:57,560 --> 00:04:00,640
Speaker 1: with it in real time in therapy, out of therapy,

66
00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:04,080
Speaker 1: with my girlfriends, with all my support systems, knowing that

67
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,160
Speaker 1: when you where you're in pain, to sit with it,

68
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:09,840
Speaker 1: not to go away or take an edible, even though

69
00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:14,400
Speaker 1: I always love edibles, um you know, not to not

70
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:17,120
Speaker 1: to try to numb your pain. Is what I've learned.

71
00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:19,520
Speaker 1: That is the best way to get through grief in

72
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:22,760
Speaker 1: a real, responsible way and in a healthy way where

73
00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:24,760
Speaker 1: it's not going to come and sneak up on you later,

74
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:29,000
Speaker 1: you know, because as anyone who's listening knows, when you're

75
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:32,360
Speaker 1: in a relationship um or you break up from a

76
00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:37,360
Speaker 1: love relationship, it is an emotional roller coaster. And one

77
00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,440
Speaker 1: day you think you're killing it and the next day

78
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:43,920
Speaker 1: you are not killing it. And that is now like

79
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:47,119
Speaker 1: the understanding of those emotions that they're coming, like Okay,

80
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,000
Speaker 1: you're feeling strong now, just wait, something's around the corner.

81
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:55,400
Speaker 1: And conversely that that's true, so uh, I'm much more.

82
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,920
Speaker 1: I have my tool kit now and that's the most

83
00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:01,680
Speaker 1: invaluable thing that I forgot from Dr Dan Siegel is

84
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:04,920
Speaker 1: my tool kit and he made me a like an

85
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:08,880
Speaker 1: actualized self aware of person and being. You know, having

86
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:12,279
Speaker 1: the gift of self awareness has been the biggest gift

87
00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:14,840
Speaker 1: that I've been given in this life. What's in your

88
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,279
Speaker 1: toolkit that you're going to pull out today? Because this

89
00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:21,200
Speaker 1: is like day one? Well we have dealing with this

90
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,640
Speaker 1: behind the scenes for a while, so but yes it's

91
00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:27,360
Speaker 1: publicly day one. Um, what's in my tool kit? You know?

92
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,600
Speaker 1: I meditate. I read a lot, you know, especially when

93
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,200
Speaker 1: I want to go to the TV to just kind

94
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:35,640
Speaker 1: of zone out. I don't. I well, I do sometimes,

95
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:39,240
Speaker 1: but I you know, in times like this, uh, you know,

96
00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:41,159
Speaker 1: I read stuff that I know is going to help me.

97
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:44,800
Speaker 1: I like, I listened to things that I think are

98
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:49,680
Speaker 1: going to help me, and I'm I I allowed the

99
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:53,599
Speaker 1: time for reflection, you know, like sitting in my backyard

100
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:56,240
Speaker 1: and looking at the trees and thinking about everything that

101
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:58,760
Speaker 1: has transpired and all the good things that I got

102
00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:03,120
Speaker 1: out of this and all the greatness it inspired, and

103
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:05,479
Speaker 1: so many other people, all the people that would come

104
00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:07,479
Speaker 1: running up to us on the streets of New York

105
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:10,800
Speaker 1: City or Memphis or wherever we were being like, we

106
00:06:10,839 --> 00:06:12,920
Speaker 1: want your love, we want your love, you know. Like

107
00:06:13,279 --> 00:06:15,680
Speaker 1: that made me believe in so much. It made me

108
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:18,400
Speaker 1: believe that there is somebody for everybody. And I still

109
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:21,880
Speaker 1: believe that. You know, my person is coming, and whether

110
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:25,239
Speaker 1: that is Joe koy In, you know, at a certain time,

111
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:28,920
Speaker 1: or if it's not, like I accept that I don't,

112
00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:32,360
Speaker 1: I'm not, you know, in that immature mode where I

113
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:34,880
Speaker 1: need to know the answers. I mean, we all want

114
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:37,560
Speaker 1: to know when we're breaking up what the answers are.

115
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:40,200
Speaker 1: But you know, that's part of the unknowings as to

116
00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:43,640
Speaker 1: that's part of the maturity is to be sit in

117
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:47,680
Speaker 1: the unknowing and and still function and and just go, yeah,

118
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:52,080
Speaker 1: this is where I am right now. Nothing is breaking me.

119
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:56,280
Speaker 1: How did you know? This is a question that I

120
00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:59,480
Speaker 1: think about all the time, work with work with relationships,

121
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,880
Speaker 1: with every thing. How do you know? How did you

122
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:08,159
Speaker 1: know when it was time to stop digging? Because it's

123
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,800
Speaker 1: like hard to know when to dig deeper in a

124
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:14,040
Speaker 1: relationship and when to quit digging, like when a relationship

125
00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,040
Speaker 1: is the right kind of heart or the wrong kind

126
00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:20,800
Speaker 1: of heart. I think when you know it becomes untenable

127
00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:24,640
Speaker 1: and it becomes unhealthy, Like if you're arguing, you know,

128
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:28,560
Speaker 1: it's devolving. If you can't have conversations that are calm

129
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:32,400
Speaker 1: and loving and constant, and you're not a team, you're

130
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:37,360
Speaker 1: not feeling like a team, and then it's becomes untenable.

131
00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:41,440
Speaker 1: People are are open sometimes in their lives and sometimes

132
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:44,120
Speaker 1: they're really closed off, and a lot of people it's

133
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,640
Speaker 1: not a fun job to do the work of looking inward,

134
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:49,360
Speaker 1: like we all know that it's ugly. And if someone

135
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,240
Speaker 1: had told me before I went to therapy, hey, you're

136
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:55,160
Speaker 1: gonna be going, you know, to this guy for two years,

137
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,360
Speaker 1: two or three times a week and fucking crying every

138
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:02,360
Speaker 1: single day for two hours and feeling like, you know,

139
00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:06,680
Speaker 1: a lunatic and out of control and unspooled and all

140
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,880
Speaker 1: of this thing. I would have been like, no way

141
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,440
Speaker 1: am I doing that. I don't have time to feel

142
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:15,200
Speaker 1: that bad about myself. And so it's not an attractive

143
00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:19,400
Speaker 1: endeavor for many people, And especially when you're pain and

144
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:23,920
Speaker 1: your trauma is right here. I understand the wanting to

145
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,960
Speaker 1: avoid that, the avoidance of wanting to look in with that,

146
00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:29,600
Speaker 1: and I think, you know, I'm at a place in

147
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,559
Speaker 1: my life that I have to be with somebody who's

148
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:34,320
Speaker 1: where I'm at with that. And you know that's not

149
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,640
Speaker 1: to say anything about Joe Koy. I love him and

150
00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:40,160
Speaker 1: he's on his own path, and you know, I just

151
00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:43,000
Speaker 1: that's that's what I need as a human being. I

152
00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:46,400
Speaker 1: had to have a conversation with myself about how much,

153
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:50,280
Speaker 1: you know, like not, I wasn't going to abandon myself,

154
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:53,560
Speaker 1: you know, and if I have to choose one person,

155
00:08:54,400 --> 00:09:00,720
Speaker 1: I have to choose myself. Yeah. Yeah, So is that

156
00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:05,400
Speaker 1: the wrong kind of heart is when you stay in something,

157
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:09,120
Speaker 1: when you choose the thing and you abandon yourself for

158
00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:14,319
Speaker 1: that thing. Yeah, when you choose to lower your standards,

159
00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:19,000
Speaker 1: your expectations when you're it's nice to twist and move

160
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,959
Speaker 1: for somebody, you know what I mean, It's nice to

161
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,920
Speaker 1: be bendable. Because I used to be so intransigent in

162
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:26,960
Speaker 1: my relationships. My opinions were fully formed. I knew it

163
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,600
Speaker 1: was right, everybody was wrong. If you disagreed with me,

164
00:09:29,679 --> 00:09:31,240
Speaker 1: you didn't know what you were talking about until you

165
00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:33,200
Speaker 1: agreed with me, and then I could explain to you

166
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:36,360
Speaker 1: some more truths, like let me explain what's going on

167
00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:38,040
Speaker 1: in the world, Do you know what I mean? Like

168
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:41,920
Speaker 1: that attitude when you need to be right is always

169
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,600
Speaker 1: when you're wrong. You know when you need to be right.

170
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:49,240
Speaker 1: And so I think when you're not communicating in a

171
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:54,400
Speaker 1: loving way and that becomes a regular thing, then you

172
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:57,000
Speaker 1: have to call it out of love and respect for

173
00:09:57,040 --> 00:10:00,080
Speaker 1: both of you. You can't continue like that, and I

174
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:03,040
Speaker 1: don't and you so so, Like I said, it's nice

175
00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:06,080
Speaker 1: to bend for people. It's nice to learn how to compromise.

176
00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:08,920
Speaker 1: It's nice to be able to demonstrate my love publicly.

177
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:12,480
Speaker 1: That was something I was never able to do for anybody,

178
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:15,440
Speaker 1: but I I believe Joe needed that, you know, And

179
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:17,880
Speaker 1: it was part for that, partly for that, and partly

180
00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:20,679
Speaker 1: for our fans because of the reaction we got when

181
00:10:20,679 --> 00:10:23,040
Speaker 1: we got together. That warmed my heart so much. And

182
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:25,559
Speaker 1: I was like, oh god, I'm gonna make everybody fall

183
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:27,680
Speaker 1: in love, like I'm gonna find a I'm gonna find

184
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:30,840
Speaker 1: a lid for every pot, you know. And I was

185
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,719
Speaker 1: so inspired by our us. I know, like, if you

186
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,559
Speaker 1: cracked me open, I can. But you know, Joe didn't

187
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:40,559
Speaker 1: crack me open. My psychiatrists cracked me open, and then

188
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,559
Speaker 1: I was open, and then I was able to bend

189
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:46,960
Speaker 1: for somebody and move and compromise and make them the

190
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:52,280
Speaker 1: biggest part of my life. But you you can't change somebody,

191
00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:56,000
Speaker 1: you know, intrinsically, and and so I was willing to

192
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,720
Speaker 1: do so much bending, but that there's a line. And

193
00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,600
Speaker 1: I'm very proud of myself because I didn't let myself

194
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:06,960
Speaker 1: cross that line. You know, it's such a freaking it's

195
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:12,360
Speaker 1: such a it's a love lesson and as just as inspiring,

196
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:14,920
Speaker 1: if not more inspiring than like I found a lid

197
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:19,640
Speaker 1: for my pot, Like I'm not changing my pot. What

198
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:24,640
Speaker 1: do you mean when you say you're psychiatrist? Broke you open? Well,

199
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:28,400
Speaker 1: he opened me. You know, I had all these stipulations,

200
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:33,320
Speaker 1: all this protective gear about, you know, protecting myself against

201
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:35,960
Speaker 1: men because of my history, because of my brother passing

202
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,880
Speaker 1: away when I was a little girl, and my father

203
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:43,200
Speaker 1: retreating emotionally psychologically afterward. He could never get past my

204
00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:46,240
Speaker 1: brother dying. He just was never the same. So there

205
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:49,040
Speaker 1: was like an abandonment, you know, on both fronts. And

206
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:52,760
Speaker 1: because of that trauma, I layered and wrapped myself up

207
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,920
Speaker 1: in this bitch like fuck you, if especially if you're

208
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,920
Speaker 1: a man, back the funk up, because I'm going to

209
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,439
Speaker 1: tell you what to do, and I'm not gonna need

210
00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:04,640
Speaker 1: anything from you. You know. Financial independence was like always

211
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:07,960
Speaker 1: like never ever, ever, ever rely on anyone but yourself,

212
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,920
Speaker 1: you know, like this, I had to grow myself up

213
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:13,200
Speaker 1: when I was a little girl. And we've all had

214
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,880
Speaker 1: our ship. And anyone who pretends that there haven't been

215
00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,600
Speaker 1: through ship, then come to my house and I'll show

216
00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:20,679
Speaker 1: you some ship, you know what I mean. Like it's bullshit,

217
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:26,160
Speaker 1: But um uh, I think that Dan. He took my

218
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:29,000
Speaker 1: judgments and he just broke them apart. Like when I

219
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,800
Speaker 1: would say, oh, I can't go out with this guy

220
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:32,880
Speaker 1: because of this, or I couldn't go out with Joe

221
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,520
Speaker 1: Koy because he drove a white Ferrari, I'm like, I've

222
00:12:35,559 --> 00:12:37,880
Speaker 1: been there, done that, Okay, already went out with fifty cent.

223
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:39,959
Speaker 1: I don't need a fucking white Ferrari in my life.

224
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:44,800
Speaker 1: It's embarrassing for me to get out of a white Ferrari. Okay,

225
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,720
Speaker 1: why not have proud A written right on the side

226
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,800
Speaker 1: of it, you know, Like I couldn't like stuff like that.

227
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,720
Speaker 1: That was not a deal breaker or not a real

228
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:56,400
Speaker 1: non negotiable, but I had made it one. You know.

229
00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,560
Speaker 1: I once went on a date with a guy who

230
00:12:58,559 --> 00:13:01,160
Speaker 1: wore an air May's belt that I hadn't seen because

231
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,840
Speaker 1: he was seated when I arrived and when we got

232
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,119
Speaker 1: but when he got up to go to the bathroom,

233
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:08,679
Speaker 1: Oh no, he got up when I got there, and

234
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:10,760
Speaker 1: I saw it. And when he got up to go

235
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:13,160
Speaker 1: to the bathroom, like forty five minutes later, I got

236
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,440
Speaker 1: my purse and walked back to the door. I was like,

237
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:18,280
Speaker 1: what I was like, is this guy fucking for real?

238
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,040
Speaker 1: First of all, he was wearing cologne and an air

239
00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:22,360
Speaker 1: Mas belt, So I was like, this is a no brainer.

240
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:27,200
Speaker 1: There's no way any penetration could ever happen with this man,

241
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:30,320
Speaker 1: no matter how many showers he took after back alone

242
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,640
Speaker 1: or how many other belts he had. Right, you would

243
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:36,520
Speaker 1: have had to abandon yourself. Yeah, I would have exactly, Yeah,

244
00:13:36,559 --> 00:13:40,480
Speaker 1: a different sort of abandoning, but um but yes, No,

245
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,199
Speaker 1: Dan really just made me look at myself and like,

246
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:45,960
Speaker 1: what are all these protections about? You know, why do

247
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:47,640
Speaker 1: you think that you don't need a man? Why do

248
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:49,520
Speaker 1: you think that you don't need a partner? Why do

249
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,280
Speaker 1: you why? I'm like, because I'm happy. But it was

250
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:56,600
Speaker 1: a defense, you know, It was like now I know, Oh,

251
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:59,000
Speaker 1: and added it like, as long as it's an addition,

252
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:01,439
Speaker 1: you know, no one's to subtract from what I've built

253
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:04,600
Speaker 1: for myself, from my family, from my friends, from the

254
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:08,559
Speaker 1: love and that I've surrounded myself with. Like my friendships

255
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:12,319
Speaker 1: are so deep now, they're real, you know, they're not

256
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:16,199
Speaker 1: based on bullshit or convenience or me having a talk

257
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:19,160
Speaker 1: show and having to have fake friendships with a million people.

258
00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:23,160
Speaker 1: It's it's not like that anymore. Like everything is authentic,

259
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,240
Speaker 1: And if you're my friend, it's because I love you,

260
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:28,880
Speaker 1: and it's because you've shown me love as well. And

261
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:32,320
Speaker 1: and I've just I mean, he he really made me

262
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:37,200
Speaker 1: understand all the barriers I had around me, and I

263
00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:39,960
Speaker 1: was able to pick that apart slowly. And then with

264
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:43,560
Speaker 1: Joe Koy, he just kept showing up and showing up

265
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:47,080
Speaker 1: and showing up, and I capitulated because I fell for

266
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:48,880
Speaker 1: him and I fell in love with him because he

267
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:54,400
Speaker 1: has so many amazing qualities, and I realized how how

268
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,440
Speaker 1: what that can be, what what a partnership can be.

269
00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:00,800
Speaker 1: Like Whereas I used to eschew like, oh I'm not

270
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:02,880
Speaker 1: you know, like I don't want to wake up with

271
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:06,200
Speaker 1: somebody in my space. I mean like you two with

272
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:09,800
Speaker 1: your videos all the time, like the day when you

273
00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:13,200
Speaker 1: were just like I hate everything, I'm sad all the time.

274
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,920
Speaker 1: I'm like, God, Abby does not miss a fucking beat

275
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:20,200
Speaker 1: with this camera, like you know, and I'm like, oh,

276
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:23,520
Speaker 1: I thought that that would gross me out, to have

277
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,960
Speaker 1: someone in my space so much and to be connected

278
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,440
Speaker 1: to someone so much that our dinners were always going

279
00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:33,400
Speaker 1: to be together, or every vacation was was going to

280
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:36,280
Speaker 1: be together. And I learned now that I love that,

281
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:39,240
Speaker 1: Like I love the togetherness, you know, with the right

282
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:43,040
Speaker 1: person and the right chemistry, like and the healthiness of it,

283
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:45,880
Speaker 1: Like that is something that I am going to look

284
00:15:45,920 --> 00:16:04,280
Speaker 1: for again. How did this particular relationship change you? Because

285
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:08,200
Speaker 1: it's such an interesting paradigm we have set up for women,

286
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:11,680
Speaker 1: which is like, if the only victory is a fappily

287
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:15,400
Speaker 1: ever after, forever and ever, if we set that bullshit up,

288
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:18,120
Speaker 1: and then what is the inverse of that? A failure

289
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:24,000
Speaker 1: is a breakup? But actually any relationship that changes you

290
00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:26,560
Speaker 1: to the point that you look like this has changed

291
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:30,000
Speaker 1: you in terms of like being broken open in a beautiful,

292
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:33,960
Speaker 1: illuminating way. Yeah, it feels like great success to me.

293
00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:38,280
Speaker 1: So what how has this particular one changed you. Well,

294
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:42,360
Speaker 1: I think you know my heart is not closing because

295
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:46,000
Speaker 1: we're breaking up. That's one way I'm not like, oh god,

296
00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:47,960
Speaker 1: I'm done with men, you know. I mean I joked

297
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,920
Speaker 1: with you yesterday texting that you know, I'm one step

298
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,800
Speaker 1: closer to becoming a lesbian. We can buy, but that

299
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:59,000
Speaker 1: better isn't with the demonstration of men in their behavior

300
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:02,480
Speaker 1: the last five years is a mass exodus of adults

301
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:06,520
Speaker 1: on set lesbians. I'm happening. Let's be honest. Everyone is

302
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:10,000
Speaker 1: considering it. So people who are not naturally have no

303
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:17,119
Speaker 1: predilection towards women are like I could do that, yeah,

304
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:20,240
Speaker 1: but how he changed me? You know, his vibe, his energy,

305
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:23,800
Speaker 1: he like injected that. He has an infectious way about him,

306
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:28,160
Speaker 1: and he's up and upbeat, and you know, he gives

307
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:30,800
Speaker 1: everybody hugs all the time, which annoys the ship out

308
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,560
Speaker 1: of me because he tells everybody he meets, I love you,

309
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:35,280
Speaker 1: and I had, you know, I had to start saying

310
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:37,400
Speaker 1: that to my people I work at my house, whether

311
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:40,760
Speaker 1: it's the pool guy, the landscaper, my housekeeper, who I

312
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,320
Speaker 1: do love because we've been together for like sixteen years.

313
00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:45,840
Speaker 1: But like I was telling the Pool guy that I

314
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:48,199
Speaker 1: loved him at the end of our relationship, like, oh, like,

315
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:51,160
Speaker 1: I love you, and then I'm like, if I don't

316
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,000
Speaker 1: do it, I'm like a big fucking gun, you know

317
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:56,000
Speaker 1: what I mean. After Joe's hugging everybody, so I was

318
00:17:56,080 --> 00:18:00,159
Speaker 1: hugging everybody, and and he's changed me in that way.

319
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,040
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm not going to continue hugging everybody. That's

320
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:03,600
Speaker 1: too much. And that's just too much. I mean, I

321
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,200
Speaker 1: don't mind hugging, but like it's much better than a handshake.

322
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:09,199
Speaker 1: That's gross at this point. Um, but I don't need

323
00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:11,880
Speaker 1: to be telling everybody I love them. I can give

324
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:15,560
Speaker 1: love without you know, there are things that he injected

325
00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:18,919
Speaker 1: into me that made me just realized, like my stoke

326
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:22,879
Speaker 1: for stand up, you know, came back. My desire and

327
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:26,320
Speaker 1: my ambition is back, Whereas I was kind of for

328
00:18:26,359 --> 00:18:28,359
Speaker 1: a couple of years like who gives a shit about

329
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,439
Speaker 1: all of this? I was so judgmental about myself and

330
00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:36,480
Speaker 1: my participation in Hollywood, in my identity as a famous

331
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:40,200
Speaker 1: person and what did that mean? And how empty was that?

332
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,320
Speaker 1: You know? All as a result of therapy where you

333
00:18:42,359 --> 00:18:46,080
Speaker 1: start to analyze what what's your motivation and are you

334
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:50,440
Speaker 1: okay with your identity being completely tied to being a celebrity,

335
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:53,960
Speaker 1: Like what does that mean about you? And is that

336
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:58,919
Speaker 1: all you've got? The self realization of everything made me

337
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:03,960
Speaker 1: kind of be picked out by ambition, by working, by

338
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:07,040
Speaker 1: by by putting my nose down or my head down

339
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:09,879
Speaker 1: and doing kind of hard the hard stuff, you know,

340
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,920
Speaker 1: like going back to stand up after I had left

341
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,600
Speaker 1: it for so many years. I mean I did that

342
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:17,919
Speaker 1: before Joe, but like he reinvigorated my love for it.

343
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,520
Speaker 1: He just directed my special that I shot in Nashville,

344
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:24,119
Speaker 1: the Rhyman. He really changed the way that I view work,

345
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:26,800
Speaker 1: which is great for me because I'm ready for like

346
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,840
Speaker 1: you know, I'm back in it now and I'm into

347
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:33,400
Speaker 1: it and for the right reasons, not for the motivation

348
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:38,000
Speaker 1: that I was questioning earlier. Do you think that those

349
00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:41,520
Speaker 1: were defense mechanisms too, Like if you don't let people

350
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:45,080
Speaker 1: in because you can be jaded and you can keep

351
00:19:45,119 --> 00:19:48,399
Speaker 1: them out from touching you. With the same apply for

352
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:50,399
Speaker 1: your love for your work. If you say like, oh

353
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:54,119
Speaker 1: this is this doesn't mean anything. I mean if you

354
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:57,000
Speaker 1: allow it in, does that actually let you love your

355
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,920
Speaker 1: work again? Do you think think I think there's a.

356
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:02,600
Speaker 1: I mean there's a big you know, I'm so much

357
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:05,119
Speaker 1: more present than I used to be. I used to

358
00:20:05,119 --> 00:20:07,400
Speaker 1: get on stage, have a couple of drinks to be like, fuck,

359
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:09,919
Speaker 1: when is this going to be over? Like, you know,

360
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,920
Speaker 1: not respecting the fact that people are there spending money

361
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:16,000
Speaker 1: on me, you know, just kind of collecting, collecting all

362
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,439
Speaker 1: my good stuff and not really respecting the people that

363
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:22,439
Speaker 1: are there. You know, now I go on stage, my

364
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:25,520
Speaker 1: stand up has never been sharper. I'm always like strong,

365
00:20:26,119 --> 00:20:28,560
Speaker 1: I'm clear headed, I have a clarity that I haven't

366
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:32,160
Speaker 1: had and so long. And yeah, yeah, it's taking things

367
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:34,200
Speaker 1: for granted. You know, when you're not able to look

368
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:36,800
Speaker 1: at yourself, you're not able to look at your motivations

369
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:41,520
Speaker 1: and what's behind everything. And you know, in this business especially,

370
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:44,159
Speaker 1: it can get pretty confusing if you're not centered and

371
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:47,639
Speaker 1: grounded and constantly reminding yourself that you're just you're just

372
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:50,760
Speaker 1: a human being. This isn't at all. This does not

373
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:53,120
Speaker 1: define you. It is a part of who you are,

374
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:57,560
Speaker 1: it is not all of who you are. So you're

375
00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:00,840
Speaker 1: you um announced this yesterday? First of all, what made

376
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:05,119
Speaker 1: you announce the break up last night? Like, did you

377
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:06,919
Speaker 1: have a moment where you're like, all right, this is it? Like,

378
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,680
Speaker 1: how did you decide that it was the right time. Well,

379
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:13,280
Speaker 1: my publicist called and outlets were calling and asking. It

380
00:21:13,359 --> 00:21:16,840
Speaker 1: was getting leaked by people, So, uh, we split up

381
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:20,760
Speaker 1: about a month ago, and it's like, I figured we

382
00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:23,800
Speaker 1: could just reconvene when we all when everything kind of

383
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:27,679
Speaker 1: cooled down, and I just figured it was time. You know,

384
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:30,240
Speaker 1: he's got a big movie coming out, and I did

385
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:32,040
Speaker 1: not want him to be standing on the red carpet

386
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:37,760
Speaker 1: answering questions about me in his big moment. And you know,

387
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:40,199
Speaker 1: Joe pretty much takes my lead on things, so I

388
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:42,760
Speaker 1: thought I better get ahead of it, not ahead of it,

389
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:45,280
Speaker 1: and I just better meet the moment and you know,

390
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:48,560
Speaker 1: actually tell everybody how I really feel instead of ignoring it.

391
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,399
Speaker 1: I hate that, you know. I mean, it's been such

392
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,679
Speaker 1: a public relationship. It would be silly to pretend it

393
00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:56,560
Speaker 1: didn't happen. Do you mind if I read a little

394
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:59,760
Speaker 1: bit of it? No, okay, because I just think that

395
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:03,400
Speaker 1: I just want to talk to you about the beauty

396
00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:08,040
Speaker 1: of this actual announcement because it's like a love letter

397
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:11,040
Speaker 1: and I think it's it will it's going to teach

398
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:15,560
Speaker 1: so many people how to do this in a way

399
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:19,240
Speaker 1: that is both powerful and beautiful and is a victory.

400
00:22:20,359 --> 00:22:24,399
Speaker 1: M Um, Okay, here it goes. I'm not a crier,

401
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:31,160
Speaker 1: but this one might sneak through my lexapro Okay, okay, Oh,

402
00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:34,119
Speaker 1: yes you do, Yes, you do, I can hook you up. Okay.

403
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:37,080
Speaker 1: In anticipation of celebrating our first year together, Joe and

404
00:22:37,119 --> 00:22:39,600
Speaker 1: I recorded this video early, but as many of you

405
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:41,920
Speaker 1: have noticed, is with a heavy heart we announced that

406
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:44,320
Speaker 1: we have decided together that it is best for us

407
00:22:44,359 --> 00:22:47,119
Speaker 1: to take a break from our relationship right now. I

408
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,560
Speaker 1: know many of you were invested in our love, and

409
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,720
Speaker 1: I wanted to express to you how much that meant

410
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:54,119
Speaker 1: to both of us, how much it still means, and

411
00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:56,360
Speaker 1: how much I now believe in love for each one

412
00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:59,440
Speaker 1: of us. This man blew my heart open with love,

413
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:02,560
Speaker 1: and because of him, my life experience has changed forever.

414
00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:05,840
Speaker 1: To be loved and adored by Joe Coy has been

415
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:08,240
Speaker 1: one of the greatest gifts of my life. He renewed

416
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:11,800
Speaker 1: my faith in men and love in being one who

417
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:16,200
Speaker 1: I am, and I've never been more optimistic for the future. Joe,

418
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:19,320
Speaker 1: you blew my creativity open, my lust for working hard

419
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:22,080
Speaker 1: again being on the road again, and you reminded me

420
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:24,879
Speaker 1: who I was and always have been. And my feet

421
00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:28,480
Speaker 1: have never been more firmly planted in the ground. This

422
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:32,000
Speaker 1: is not an ending, it's another beginning. And it's a

423
00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:34,680
Speaker 1: comfort to know that I am still loved and love

424
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:37,000
Speaker 1: this man the way the sun loves the moon and

425
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:42,479
Speaker 1: the moon loves the sun. Your person is coming, so

426
00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:45,280
Speaker 1: please continue to root for both of us because you

427
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:55,359
Speaker 1: never know what life will bring. I mean, kindness, generosity, respect, leadership,

428
00:23:56,680 --> 00:24:02,240
Speaker 1: a script, just try to move ahead. And like, what, so,

429
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:08,199
Speaker 1: what what were you going for there? I was just

430
00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:11,640
Speaker 1: going for putting out love, you know, Like I think,

431
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:14,359
Speaker 1: when you're in pain, the most important thing you could

432
00:24:14,359 --> 00:24:17,760
Speaker 1: do is just love out, give it away, you know,

433
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:20,280
Speaker 1: just love it out. And when someone else is in pain,

434
00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:25,119
Speaker 1: I needed to just give him love. And and you know,

435
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:28,800
Speaker 1: you process this differently as a man and a woman, obviously,

436
00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:33,560
Speaker 1: um and I really thought he needed to hear those things,

437
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:36,040
Speaker 1: and I really thought I needed to say them, you know.

438
00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:39,320
Speaker 1: So everyone knows that it wasn't like, you know, someone

439
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:42,359
Speaker 1: cheated or anything like that. It just didn't work out.

440
00:24:43,119 --> 00:24:45,880
Speaker 1: And I did everything I could to try to make

441
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:49,119
Speaker 1: it work. But it didn't work out, and I wanted

442
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:54,160
Speaker 1: to make sure that everybody knew that this is this

443
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:57,480
Speaker 1: is a different me, Like this is how uh, this

444
00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:01,480
Speaker 1: is the first time that I've ended a relationship where

445
00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:07,200
Speaker 1: I feel like an adult, you know, um and where

446
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:10,160
Speaker 1: it's it's because it was the mature thing to do.

447
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,800
Speaker 1: Um And Yeah, what you were saying before is like,

448
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:15,400
Speaker 1: when do you know when it's time to get out

449
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:18,200
Speaker 1: of a relationship? We always know, you just to keep

450
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:21,800
Speaker 1: running dialogues in our head to convince ourselves otherwise. But

451
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:24,879
Speaker 1: when you know, you know, it's like any any other

452
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:28,040
Speaker 1: intuition you have, you have to like close your eyes

453
00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:32,480
Speaker 1: and listen to your gut and understand that sometimes the

454
00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:34,800
Speaker 1: pain that you're going to go through for a breakup

455
00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:37,200
Speaker 1: is going to be it's going to be much more

456
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:42,680
Speaker 1: uh preferable than remaining in something that isn't working anymore.

457
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:46,760
Speaker 1: That's right. It's the right kind of hard, as opposed

458
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:48,240
Speaker 1: to the wrong kind of hard, which is just a

459
00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:52,760
Speaker 1: slow dying. Yeah, and it's slowed, yes, a dying of yourself,

460
00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:57,080
Speaker 1: an abandoning of yourself of you know. Of I think

461
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:59,520
Speaker 1: of myself as as someone who likes to set an

462
00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:03,560
Speaker 1: example for other women and young women especially to be

463
00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:06,760
Speaker 1: true to who you are and to to do the

464
00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:10,480
Speaker 1: work that isn't pretty, and you know, like the benefits

465
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:14,440
Speaker 1: are they're always and it's like a I was talking

466
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:16,000
Speaker 1: to my friend. I don't know if you guys know

467
00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:20,080
Speaker 1: who Laura Lynn Jackson is. She's yeah, yeah, yeah. I

468
00:26:20,119 --> 00:26:24,440
Speaker 1: was talking to Laura yesterday, who's awesome, and she was like,

469
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:26,320
Speaker 1: you know, she told me to do something that I

470
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:29,719
Speaker 1: really did not want to do, and she's like, this

471
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:31,600
Speaker 1: is about your soul. It's about getting your soul to

472
00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:33,880
Speaker 1: the next level. This is for your soul journey. If

473
00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:36,879
Speaker 1: you do this, now you're raising yourself. I was like,

474
00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:40,560
Speaker 1: you know, And I was like, okay, I'll do it.

475
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:42,239
Speaker 1: You know, I'll do it. And I had to make

476
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:44,000
Speaker 1: a phone call that I didn't want to make and

477
00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:45,879
Speaker 1: I did what I see exactly what she did, Like

478
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:48,440
Speaker 1: she's my doctor. I was like, whatever Laura Jackson's help

479
00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:51,479
Speaker 1: me to do in this moment, I'm gonna do, you know.

480
00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:57,000
Speaker 1: And uh And so I think about that, like you

481
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,080
Speaker 1: can you know how we always go through things in

482
00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:05,040
Speaker 1: life and we can look back at our breakups and

483
00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:08,000
Speaker 1: we are always like, fuck, why did I do that.

484
00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:10,240
Speaker 1: Why did I call that person? Yea, I was drunk?

485
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:13,879
Speaker 1: Why did I send that text? And in reactive mode?

486
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:16,359
Speaker 1: Why didn't I stop and put my phone when? And

487
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:19,680
Speaker 1: and I call my friend before I said that? And

488
00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:24,359
Speaker 1: this is that Like it's such a reward to not

489
00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:30,040
Speaker 1: behave that way. Yes, it's like catching up with yourself.

490
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:33,000
Speaker 1: Like when I'm in that reactive mode, I'm like, oh,

491
00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:35,680
Speaker 1: I'm gonna regret this in ten hours. And then you

492
00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:38,040
Speaker 1: see it happening as you're doing it, and you're like,

493
00:27:38,119 --> 00:27:44,000
Speaker 1: step away, step oh yeah, yeah, step away, step away,

494
00:27:44,119 --> 00:27:46,479
Speaker 1: put your phone down and take a walk, like just

495
00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:48,879
Speaker 1: it doesn't take long to cool down and get your

496
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:52,520
Speaker 1: senses back. And so it's just the exercise of doing it.

497
00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:56,000
Speaker 1: And once you learn that exercise and you practice it, it,

498
00:27:56,359 --> 00:27:58,880
Speaker 1: you know, it keeps, it keeps coming back to you

499
00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:01,040
Speaker 1: and you don't forget, you know, then it feels like

500
00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:03,359
Speaker 1: you're missing something when you don't do it. You know,

501
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,760
Speaker 1: I used to react to emails before I had even

502
00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:08,760
Speaker 1: finished reading them. I would be like, excuse me, you

503
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:11,520
Speaker 1: freaking idiot? Are you a fucking idiot or what and

504
00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:13,800
Speaker 1: be like no, no, no, and then send, you know,

505
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:16,400
Speaker 1: without even and then I'd be like, wait, oh, are

506
00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:22,960
Speaker 1: there eighteen other people on this dude? You know, like

507
00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:28,480
Speaker 1: I U so yeah, my uh my loy Lynn Jackson,

508
00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:31,800
Speaker 1: who is a different person, told me that my spiritual

509
00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:36,320
Speaker 1: exercise has to be uh save us drafts, that whether

510
00:28:36,359 --> 00:28:38,440
Speaker 1: it's in real life, whether it's in an email, that

511
00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:39,920
Speaker 1: I can say what I want to say, but I

512
00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:42,600
Speaker 1: have to press save his drafts and not send it

513
00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:46,200
Speaker 1: for twenty four hours. Um. And that's a way of

514
00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:51,320
Speaker 1: not being reactive. Do you have tricks? Um? I just

515
00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:54,640
Speaker 1: know to put my phone down. I go outside a

516
00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:56,680
Speaker 1: lot when I'm thinking, I go grab one of my

517
00:28:56,760 --> 00:29:01,080
Speaker 1: dogs to calm down. Um. And I just I know

518
00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:04,080
Speaker 1: myself so well now you know, and not thought I'm

519
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:07,480
Speaker 1: cooked and I'm fixed or ready to you know, for heaven.

520
00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:11,520
Speaker 1: But I know what's up with me. You know what

521
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:15,040
Speaker 1: my weaknesses are, and I've worked on them really hard.

522
00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:18,320
Speaker 1: And I've had a lot of relationships and whether they

523
00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:20,400
Speaker 1: be romantic or friendships, you know, I've had a lot

524
00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:24,240
Speaker 1: of friendships and because of my honesty or because people

525
00:29:24,360 --> 00:29:26,800
Speaker 1: you know, don't want to hear the truth. And I

526
00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:31,760
Speaker 1: have very very strong relationship with telling the truth. I

527
00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:35,239
Speaker 1: just feel like there's a dearth of honesty, and I

528
00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:38,160
Speaker 1: feel like you you are nobody unless you can hold

529
00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:40,920
Speaker 1: the truth and just tell somebody something that may or

530
00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:44,120
Speaker 1: may not hurt them when somebody is in pain, and

531
00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:47,640
Speaker 1: and you know you know something or you have something,

532
00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:51,520
Speaker 1: especially for women, women, you don't need anyone to just

533
00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:55,720
Speaker 1: bullshit you. And that's ruined a lot of my friendships,

534
00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:58,560
Speaker 1: you know, And it's a heart. It comes off as harsh,

535
00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:01,560
Speaker 1: and it comes off as a aggressive and like bullying

536
00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:06,120
Speaker 1: and stuff. But that's not something that I'm willing to modify,

537
00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:08,360
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. Like, there are things that

538
00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:09,960
Speaker 1: you can work on, and then there are things that

539
00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:12,520
Speaker 1: you hold onto because they're part of what makes you

540
00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:15,719
Speaker 1: who you are and they're your character, and you know

541
00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:18,680
Speaker 1: you can try and use them a little bit more discernibly.

542
00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:23,440
Speaker 1: But also again, don't divorce yourself of your truth. Do

543
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:26,920
Speaker 1: you feel like I have a good, fiery friend. I

544
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:29,600
Speaker 1: see the same in you, which is truth telling, truth telling,

545
00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:32,360
Speaker 1: truth telling? That is that not the way that you

546
00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:37,680
Speaker 1: do love? Like a lot of people in friendships don't

547
00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:40,640
Speaker 1: say the thing or don't do the thing, and so

548
00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:44,920
Speaker 1: they're perceived as the kind ones, the nice ones, to

549
00:30:45,120 --> 00:30:47,960
Speaker 1: me the person in the relationship, who's bringing the truth,

550
00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:50,720
Speaker 1: who's bringing the fire. It might sound aggressive, but that's

551
00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:55,080
Speaker 1: actually love because that's like taking the confrontational risk and

552
00:30:55,120 --> 00:30:57,240
Speaker 1: like truly showing up for a person. Do you feel

553
00:30:57,280 --> 00:31:00,480
Speaker 1: like when you do you feel misunderstood by that? Do

554
00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:03,520
Speaker 1: you feel like that is actually how you're loving? Yeah?

555
00:31:03,720 --> 00:31:05,840
Speaker 1: If I feel like one of my friends is being

556
00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:09,240
Speaker 1: treated in a way that is not acceptable, then I

557
00:31:09,320 --> 00:31:11,000
Speaker 1: will go to bout for them, you know what I mean.

558
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:14,600
Speaker 1: It's so easy to defend other people than it is

559
00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:18,200
Speaker 1: to defend yourself sometimes. Like I had a relationship with

560
00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:21,600
Speaker 1: a friend, uh for a long time who did some

561
00:31:21,600 --> 00:31:23,920
Speaker 1: stuff that was really really hurtful to me and I

562
00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:26,400
Speaker 1: I kind of swallowed that for a while, but when

563
00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:29,520
Speaker 1: I saw it happened to our another friend that she

564
00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:33,239
Speaker 1: did what she did, I couldn't help myself. I was like,

565
00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:35,880
Speaker 1: now this is what we're talking about here. You know,

566
00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:38,560
Speaker 1: I had a conversation with you, and now you're doing

567
00:31:38,560 --> 00:31:40,640
Speaker 1: it again to our other friend, and I'm watching you

568
00:31:40,680 --> 00:31:43,640
Speaker 1: like you didn't hear anything I said. And then you know,

569
00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:46,000
Speaker 1: that friend immediately sent me an email like I need

570
00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:48,400
Speaker 1: space from you. I can't be spoken to like this,

571
00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:50,560
Speaker 1: da da da dada, And I was like, no problem.

572
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:54,200
Speaker 1: Anytime anyone asked for space, No problem. You don't fight that,

573
00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:56,840
Speaker 1: you don't resist the change, you just accept it. You know,

574
00:31:57,160 --> 00:31:59,920
Speaker 1: people are in different places in their lives. In that moment,

575
00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:01,680
Speaker 1: it was more important for me to stick up for

576
00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:04,360
Speaker 1: my friend who was not being treated well than it

577
00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:06,640
Speaker 1: was to worry about the status of that other friendship,

578
00:32:06,720 --> 00:32:09,239
Speaker 1: you know. Um, And I probably myself on that, like

579
00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:11,239
Speaker 1: I would do that for a stranger. I would go

580
00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:13,320
Speaker 1: to bout for someone I met in an airport bathroom

581
00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:15,120
Speaker 1: as long as they weren't asking for a picture while

582
00:32:15,160 --> 00:32:20,040
Speaker 1: I was on the toilet. Um, I said, I said

583
00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:21,520
Speaker 1: this to this woman the other day. I was like,

584
00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:23,920
Speaker 1: can we just get out of the bathroom please before

585
00:32:23,960 --> 00:32:27,040
Speaker 1: we do this? Can we this is the background that

586
00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:45,800
Speaker 1: you're looking for. I just feel so much compassion for you, Chelsea,

587
00:32:45,840 --> 00:32:47,480
Speaker 1: and I feel like you've been going through this and

588
00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:50,240
Speaker 1: it's so tender and it's so real and it's so

589
00:32:50,400 --> 00:32:54,400
Speaker 1: big in your life. And then this is day one

590
00:32:54,520 --> 00:32:57,920
Speaker 1: of a whole another phase where you have to do

591
00:32:58,000 --> 00:33:01,840
Speaker 1: this in public, okay, And it just feels like just

592
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:04,680
Speaker 1: as like a wound that you're starting to heal over,

593
00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:08,000
Speaker 1: heal over? What is it like too? Then have to

594
00:33:08,080 --> 00:33:12,760
Speaker 1: share something so sacred to you with the world and

595
00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:15,880
Speaker 1: all their nonsense, and no one knows what to say,

596
00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:18,160
Speaker 1: even the people who are trying to support you, I'm

597
00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:22,920
Speaker 1: sure saying really stupid shit like what is that? What

598
00:33:23,080 --> 00:33:28,800
Speaker 1: is that like? And what can people do better for

599
00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:33,320
Speaker 1: folks like you who they love and they want to support.

600
00:33:33,520 --> 00:33:37,360
Speaker 1: It's good and a breakup. Yeah, well, you know, something

601
00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:40,480
Speaker 1: really sweet happened, like when Joe and I broke up,

602
00:33:40,680 --> 00:33:42,800
Speaker 1: and you know, as human, he was living with me,

603
00:33:42,880 --> 00:33:45,400
Speaker 1: and you know, all of his stuff was being moved

604
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:49,560
Speaker 1: out of my house and uh, my my housekeeper, my

605
00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:53,800
Speaker 1: bell who's like my nanny basically, uh, and my dog's

606
00:33:53,840 --> 00:33:59,360
Speaker 1: real mother, um she and my groundskeeper and all the

607
00:33:59,400 --> 00:34:02,880
Speaker 1: things that rich people have. They all were sitting with

608
00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:05,840
Speaker 1: me in the kitchen. I came in one day and

609
00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:09,640
Speaker 1: you know, broke down and they loved Joe so much.

610
00:34:10,200 --> 00:34:12,680
Speaker 1: They all loved Joe. Everyone in my life loves him

611
00:34:12,680 --> 00:34:16,040
Speaker 1: because he's such a ray of sunshine. And they came

612
00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:19,160
Speaker 1: in and my belt put her arm around me and

613
00:34:19,200 --> 00:34:21,719
Speaker 1: she goes just so you know, you know, we all

614
00:34:21,719 --> 00:34:24,480
Speaker 1: loved him, but you you know, you're our girl. We

615
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:28,000
Speaker 1: love you, We're here for you, will always be here

616
00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:31,759
Speaker 1: for you. And just that made me, like, you know,

617
00:34:32,080 --> 00:34:35,520
Speaker 1: turn into a blathering mess because it went so much

618
00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:38,000
Speaker 1: to me because I really thought they liked him more

619
00:34:40,239 --> 00:34:44,280
Speaker 1: like like, oh, it's a reminder that all the people

620
00:34:44,320 --> 00:34:46,839
Speaker 1: in your life are there because of you. They were

621
00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:50,120
Speaker 1: there before him and they'll be there after him. Nobody

622
00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:52,600
Speaker 1: was there because of him, All of the people in

623
00:34:52,719 --> 00:34:56,440
Speaker 1: my life, in my circle, my circle of friends, my family,

624
00:34:56,600 --> 00:34:59,760
Speaker 1: as much as everyone loved us together and the magic

625
00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:02,719
Speaker 1: of what we had when we were together, and you know,

626
00:35:03,160 --> 00:35:04,879
Speaker 1: they have come to me in such a way that's

627
00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:07,560
Speaker 1: like no, no, no, no, we're with you, you know.

628
00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:09,880
Speaker 1: And not that you have to take sides, it's not

629
00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:14,040
Speaker 1: like that, but it's it's a reminder that you're valuable

630
00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:17,040
Speaker 1: and you have your own relationships and they're not because

631
00:35:17,080 --> 00:35:21,120
Speaker 1: of another person. They're because of you. When you're the

632
00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:24,440
Speaker 1: center of their solar system and you always have been.

633
00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:27,920
Speaker 1: But when you bring somebody else to the equation, it's

634
00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:29,880
Speaker 1: not like you split the solar system. It's just like

635
00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:32,759
Speaker 1: a then diagram where Joe was taking up a little

636
00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:36,319
Speaker 1: bit more space and then it's like a reminder, Oh no,

637
00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:43,200
Speaker 1: here you are our person and that's fucking so sweet. Yeah.

638
00:35:43,400 --> 00:35:46,800
Speaker 1: How do you think being this vulnerable, broken up Chelsea,

639
00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:49,560
Speaker 1: which you're psychiatrist, did to you? Do you do that

640
00:35:49,719 --> 00:35:53,239
Speaker 1: artist thing where artists worry that if they get healthy,

641
00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:57,000
Speaker 1: they're right like in my world, we can't. You can't

642
00:35:57,040 --> 00:35:59,959
Speaker 1: get too healthy or your writing will start sucking, because

643
00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:02,399
Speaker 1: is you have to suffer and be miserable in order

644
00:36:02,400 --> 00:36:05,640
Speaker 1: to have good writing. Do you How do you think

645
00:36:05,640 --> 00:36:09,359
Speaker 1: your stand up and your work world will change with

646
00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:16,600
Speaker 1: this wise, vulnerable open I mean, it's always changing, you know,

647
00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:19,279
Speaker 1: like I've done. I did a stand up special a

648
00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:21,040
Speaker 1: couple of years ago, right after I wrote my last

649
00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:24,120
Speaker 1: book that was very like profound and meaningful and deep

650
00:36:24,239 --> 00:36:25,920
Speaker 1: and like something that I didn't think you could do

651
00:36:25,960 --> 00:36:28,839
Speaker 1: and stand up until nan Neet or Hannah Gadsby did that,

652
00:36:29,400 --> 00:36:31,279
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, I could, I want to

653
00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:34,120
Speaker 1: do that. I want to tell that story like you know, um,

654
00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:36,799
Speaker 1: And that was a little bit more serious, but it

655
00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:39,560
Speaker 1: was received really well. And this special that I just

656
00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:44,320
Speaker 1: taped is fucking badass, like o g my kind of comedy,

657
00:36:44,760 --> 00:36:48,320
Speaker 1: and I talked about I hate from hating men to

658
00:36:48,520 --> 00:36:51,480
Speaker 1: falling for Joe Koy. It's all in their covids, in

659
00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:55,000
Speaker 1: their dating. Uh, you know, like all the stuff that

660
00:36:55,200 --> 00:36:58,279
Speaker 1: I grapple with. And I just think, you know, if

661
00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:02,200
Speaker 1: you're an artist, as long as you're authentic to yourself.

662
00:37:02,680 --> 00:37:04,760
Speaker 1: You know, right now I'm writing a book with Whitney,

663
00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:07,880
Speaker 1: you're editor. We share an editor. Now. I I just

664
00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:11,399
Speaker 1: signed a deal about falling in love about my love

665
00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:15,640
Speaker 1: story and um, and I was like, oh, well, this

666
00:37:15,680 --> 00:37:18,800
Speaker 1: is kind of similar to what happened with Love Warrior,

667
00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:22,279
Speaker 1: you know. I was like, uh, but but you know

668
00:37:22,480 --> 00:37:24,680
Speaker 1: it isn't because it's like I still fell in love.

669
00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:27,080
Speaker 1: I still have my love story. It was by way

670
00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:31,040
Speaker 1: of Joe, but it's not because of Joe. Like my story,

671
00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:34,360
Speaker 1: Joe is not my whole story. There's still more to come.

672
00:37:34,760 --> 00:37:38,680
Speaker 1: And so you know, like creatively, I think that that

673
00:37:39,239 --> 00:37:42,560
Speaker 1: one line, you know, don't resist change from Eckart Toole

674
00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:46,400
Speaker 1: or Deepak or one of those people that you know

675
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:50,280
Speaker 1: I could never have a real conversation with because I'm like, what, um,

676
00:37:51,280 --> 00:37:54,520
Speaker 1: But I like to read their quotes and I like

677
00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:57,319
Speaker 1: to read their books. UM. I had Deepunk Joe bronk

678
00:37:57,400 --> 00:38:00,040
Speaker 1: Ones and I was like wait what, Like, I'm like,

679
00:38:00,160 --> 00:38:02,480
Speaker 1: what are you? What are you talking about? Just send me,

680
00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:06,560
Speaker 1: Just send me. I know him and his ride stone glasses.

681
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:13,600
Speaker 1: I'm like, this is very confusing messaging. Uh So, so

682
00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:16,600
Speaker 1: I was gonna say a false equivalency and I'm like, well,

683
00:38:16,640 --> 00:38:20,320
Speaker 1: that doesn't make any sense at uh uh. But I

684
00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:22,360
Speaker 1: think if you're an artist, you know you you always

685
00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:24,400
Speaker 1: have to accept the change, right, We always have to

686
00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:26,520
Speaker 1: just go with the change. You have to be like, Okay,

687
00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:30,200
Speaker 1: my life is different. This is okay. I'm not breakable, unbreakable.

688
00:38:30,440 --> 00:38:32,879
Speaker 1: That's who I am. Like I I this isn't gonna

689
00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:35,840
Speaker 1: break me psychologically, my spirit is never going to wane.

690
00:38:36,239 --> 00:38:39,520
Speaker 1: This is gonna make me stronger. I'm I've never been

691
00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:42,319
Speaker 1: more aware of my strength before than I am now.

692
00:38:43,040 --> 00:38:45,560
Speaker 1: And you know that, in and of itself is something

693
00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:48,040
Speaker 1: I wish I could just have a big bottle of

694
00:38:48,239 --> 00:38:50,480
Speaker 1: people to dip it into, because there are so many

695
00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:53,560
Speaker 1: women you know, that you talked to, that I talked to,

696
00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:56,600
Speaker 1: that call into my podcast, that I just want to

697
00:38:56,760 --> 00:39:00,120
Speaker 1: hold and be like, you are so special. You just

698
00:39:00,200 --> 00:39:03,080
Speaker 1: have to start believing that you are so strong you.

699
00:39:03,360 --> 00:39:08,520
Speaker 1: We all have this reservoir of strength within us just

700
00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:11,920
Speaker 1: by the nature of us being alive, and some of

701
00:39:12,040 --> 00:39:15,320
Speaker 1: us don't even realize how how how easy it is

702
00:39:15,400 --> 00:39:18,160
Speaker 1: to tap into that and how available it is for

703
00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:22,160
Speaker 1: us to tap into. And so, uh, you know that

704
00:39:22,440 --> 00:39:24,840
Speaker 1: has to be part of my messaging and has always

705
00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:26,560
Speaker 1: been part of my messaging. You know, I don't do

706
00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:30,080
Speaker 1: anything creative anymore that doesn't have a message or doesn't

707
00:39:30,120 --> 00:39:33,120
Speaker 1: make you think you know about what your stance on

708
00:39:33,280 --> 00:39:36,160
Speaker 1: something is, or how you view the world, or how

709
00:39:36,239 --> 00:39:42,200
Speaker 1: you view yourself in your own entitlement or lack thereof. Um. So, yeah,

710
00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:45,960
Speaker 1: I forget what the question was. It was a great answer.

711
00:39:46,760 --> 00:39:50,200
Speaker 1: You used a phrase at the very beginning of this

712
00:39:50,320 --> 00:39:54,359
Speaker 1: conversation and I'm still thinking about because you said, I'm

713
00:39:54,400 --> 00:39:57,560
Speaker 1: dealing with it now so that I don't have delayed grief.

714
00:39:59,040 --> 00:40:02,360
Speaker 1: And in a lot that I've heard from you on

715
00:40:02,520 --> 00:40:06,799
Speaker 1: your podcast, you talk about how when you lost Chet,

716
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:14,480
Speaker 1: your beloved brother, you realized decades later that the delayed

717
00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:18,360
Speaker 1: grief was an intrinsic part of all the defenses that

718
00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:22,200
Speaker 1: you put up. And you also talk about how Joe

719
00:40:22,360 --> 00:40:27,279
Speaker 1: shared so many beautiful qualities with Chet, I'm wondering, did

720
00:40:27,640 --> 00:40:33,880
Speaker 1: did any part of this relationship heal something for you

721
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:41,719
Speaker 1: with with chet And is there is there something to that,

722
00:40:41,840 --> 00:40:45,400
Speaker 1: because there seems parallels to you know, now you're not

723
00:40:45,719 --> 00:40:49,200
Speaker 1: you're you're protecting yourself in the positive way of not

724
00:40:49,440 --> 00:40:56,040
Speaker 1: delaying the grief. Yes, yeah, I mean I felt my brother.

725
00:40:56,600 --> 00:40:59,000
Speaker 1: I felt a lot of my brother and and and Joe.

726
00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:01,360
Speaker 1: Joe wears flat annals all the time, and like, for

727
00:41:01,400 --> 00:41:03,520
Speaker 1: a while, I never made the connection, but my brother

728
00:41:03,640 --> 00:41:06,480
Speaker 1: used to wear flannels all the time. And I remember

729
00:41:06,560 --> 00:41:09,960
Speaker 1: walking into Joe's house into his closet one day and

730
00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:13,400
Speaker 1: when we first started dating, and and I saw this

731
00:41:13,840 --> 00:41:18,440
Speaker 1: just a array of flannels hanging everywhere, and I went, oh,

732
00:41:18,520 --> 00:41:21,040
Speaker 1: my god, this is my brother's closet. Like and I

733
00:41:21,360 --> 00:41:23,480
Speaker 1: remember just you know, I used to come home after

734
00:41:23,560 --> 00:41:26,080
Speaker 1: school every day and go to my brother's closet after

735
00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:28,759
Speaker 1: he died, to smell his shirts and go through his

736
00:41:28,840 --> 00:41:30,960
Speaker 1: shirts and sit by myself in his bed. Because I

737
00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:33,040
Speaker 1: was so tough. No one could see me cry. You know,

738
00:41:33,200 --> 00:41:36,719
Speaker 1: my parents weren't there, they were probably sleeping, and I

739
00:41:37,080 --> 00:41:39,800
Speaker 1: would just go in there and do my grieving alone

740
00:41:40,040 --> 00:41:42,040
Speaker 1: and not let anyone see me, No one was allowed

741
00:41:42,040 --> 00:41:44,279
Speaker 1: to see me cry. No, that was off limits for

742
00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:48,120
Speaker 1: like probably twenty five years. And um, I could cry

743
00:41:48,200 --> 00:41:50,200
Speaker 1: for other people, but it couldn't be about me, you

744
00:41:50,239 --> 00:41:52,879
Speaker 1: know what I mean. And so when my friends would

745
00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:56,520
Speaker 1: break up or my I remember my friend Amber, her

746
00:41:56,800 --> 00:41:59,360
Speaker 1: wedding got called off like a week before, you know,

747
00:41:59,640 --> 00:42:03,920
Speaker 1: ther guy left her and I I could not get

748
00:42:04,000 --> 00:42:07,719
Speaker 1: over that guy was a wreck for her. I was.

749
00:42:08,040 --> 00:42:10,280
Speaker 1: She was consoling me, and you know, I'd be sleeping

750
00:42:10,320 --> 00:42:12,359
Speaker 1: in her bed and She'd like, can you fucking leave?

751
00:42:12,520 --> 00:42:15,960
Speaker 1: You are bringing me down. And my other friend was like, hey,

752
00:42:16,320 --> 00:42:17,719
Speaker 1: I hate to break this to you, but this is

753
00:42:17,800 --> 00:42:21,560
Speaker 1: not about Amber. Okay you have I'm finished business. But

754
00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:23,600
Speaker 1: I was in my twenties. I didn't know what I

755
00:42:23,719 --> 00:42:26,040
Speaker 1: was crying about, you know, And now I know what

756
00:42:26,160 --> 00:42:29,320
Speaker 1: I was crying about. But um yeah, there was a

757
00:42:29,400 --> 00:42:31,520
Speaker 1: lot of Chet and my and Joe, and there was

758
00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:33,600
Speaker 1: a lot of my mom and Joe. You know, Joe's

759
00:42:33,760 --> 00:42:36,680
Speaker 1: is so loving and so caring and does everything for

760
00:42:37,000 --> 00:42:39,919
Speaker 1: you know, did everything for me. You know, would hold

761
00:42:39,960 --> 00:42:42,080
Speaker 1: his lip bomb in his pockets to make sure because

762
00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:44,520
Speaker 1: I am an a lip bomb addict, and hold my

763
00:42:44,640 --> 00:42:46,960
Speaker 1: purse never lets me carry anything, you know, in the

764
00:42:47,000 --> 00:42:48,840
Speaker 1: middle of the night, he would put a pillow underneath

765
00:42:48,920 --> 00:42:51,320
Speaker 1: my legs because he knows I like to sleep like that.

766
00:42:51,960 --> 00:42:55,439
Speaker 1: He did so many little like only a mother love

767
00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:57,879
Speaker 1: type things, you know, that my mom would have done

768
00:42:57,960 --> 00:43:01,600
Speaker 1: for me, and that it was and I felt I

769
00:43:01,680 --> 00:43:03,959
Speaker 1: felt their presence around us a lot, like I felt

770
00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:07,799
Speaker 1: like they brought him to me for a reason. So yeah,

771
00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:11,160
Speaker 1: there was a lot of healing. You know, there's been

772
00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:14,439
Speaker 1: a lot of healing with Chet, with with Dan, my psychiatrist,

773
00:43:14,520 --> 00:43:17,680
Speaker 1: because that's what the crux of all of it was. Um.

774
00:43:18,560 --> 00:43:20,680
Speaker 1: It was about It was about that, you know, about

775
00:43:20,680 --> 00:43:23,000
Speaker 1: being abandoned at that early age. And he was an

776
00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:25,759
Speaker 1: attachment figure to me like he was my He was

777
00:43:25,880 --> 00:43:28,640
Speaker 1: like my boyfriend. I was nine and he was twenty two,

778
00:43:28,840 --> 00:43:31,840
Speaker 1: and he took me everywhere like his little plaything, you know,

779
00:43:32,000 --> 00:43:34,400
Speaker 1: and I was like, where's Chat, We're going for a

780
00:43:34,480 --> 00:43:36,600
Speaker 1: five hour drive to our summer house. I would drive

781
00:43:36,640 --> 00:43:39,560
Speaker 1: with Chat like Chat and Chelsea. It was like, you know, bookends.

782
00:43:39,920 --> 00:43:42,080
Speaker 1: He was the oldest and I was the youngest. So

783
00:43:42,600 --> 00:43:44,560
Speaker 1: there was a lot of healing that had to happen

784
00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:47,719
Speaker 1: with Dan, which I hated. I mean, I can't tell

785
00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:50,720
Speaker 1: you the amount of times I would sit in therapy

786
00:43:50,920 --> 00:43:53,719
Speaker 1: and Dan would be like Chelsea when you were nine.

787
00:43:53,880 --> 00:43:57,400
Speaker 1: I'm like, Dan, please, we've been over this so many times.

788
00:43:58,040 --> 00:44:00,919
Speaker 1: If you draw everything back to chat, I'm gonna stop

789
00:44:01,000 --> 00:44:05,120
Speaker 1: taking you seriously. And I had that attitude like this

790
00:44:05,320 --> 00:44:08,400
Speaker 1: isn't about my childhood, and that is the first sign

791
00:44:09,120 --> 00:44:11,840
Speaker 1: when someone says that sentence, it is the first sign

792
00:44:12,320 --> 00:44:17,640
Speaker 1: that you need therapy. And and that's what I said.

793
00:44:17,680 --> 00:44:20,160
Speaker 1: I go this, there's nothing to see here, nothing, I said.

794
00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:22,520
Speaker 1: My mom's dad, my brother's dad. Hopefully my dad will

795
00:44:22,600 --> 00:44:25,839
Speaker 1: die soon. I'm like, I'm good with death. There's nothing

796
00:44:25,880 --> 00:44:28,080
Speaker 1: to talk about with my childhood. I'm like, I'm actually

797
00:44:28,160 --> 00:44:30,480
Speaker 1: just really impatient, I pulsive, and bitchy. I would like

798
00:44:30,560 --> 00:44:34,480
Speaker 1: to work on those three things. And you know, now

799
00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:38,040
Speaker 1: I know what that sentence meant, and and I know

800
00:44:38,160 --> 00:44:40,719
Speaker 1: when people are stuck, I also can see it and

801
00:44:40,800 --> 00:44:42,680
Speaker 1: I can help them. It was funny. I went out

802
00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:45,160
Speaker 1: with dinner to to my girlfriends the other night, and

803
00:44:45,200 --> 00:44:46,759
Speaker 1: it was like a dinner to like, you know, help

804
00:44:46,840 --> 00:44:49,560
Speaker 1: me and be there for me. And my one girlfriend

805
00:44:49,680 --> 00:44:53,800
Speaker 1: was just a hot mess, like just going through the cycle.

806
00:44:54,000 --> 00:44:56,640
Speaker 1: Of men and this, and she's like, I don't I

807
00:44:56,680 --> 00:44:58,759
Speaker 1: don't want a boyfriend, but this guy doesn't want to

808
00:44:58,800 --> 00:45:00,800
Speaker 1: be exclusive, and did I looked at her. I go

809
00:45:01,000 --> 00:45:04,120
Speaker 1: listen to me. You're in no place to be making

810
00:45:04,200 --> 00:45:07,440
Speaker 1: any of these decisions. I'm telling you from sitting down

811
00:45:07,480 --> 00:45:09,799
Speaker 1: here tonight. You're not healthy right now. Like you are

812
00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:13,040
Speaker 1: unhealthy and you're not looking at yourself. You are going

813
00:45:13,120 --> 00:45:15,239
Speaker 1: through something, and you have to allow yourself to go

814
00:45:15,400 --> 00:45:18,560
Speaker 1: through something and stop putting using men as band aids

815
00:45:18,640 --> 00:45:21,040
Speaker 1: on this. That is not going to fix you. You

816
00:45:21,160 --> 00:45:23,480
Speaker 1: are doing more damage than good. Like I basically had

817
00:45:23,480 --> 00:45:25,080
Speaker 1: to shake her and my friend the next morning. The

818
00:45:25,160 --> 00:45:27,880
Speaker 1: other friend was like, ship, that dinner really turned around.

819
00:45:28,040 --> 00:45:30,000
Speaker 1: She's like, we were supposed to be there to help you,

820
00:45:30,680 --> 00:45:33,759
Speaker 1: and then you end up going off on her and

821
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:37,040
Speaker 1: and but it's true, like you know, when I see

822
00:45:37,120 --> 00:45:39,880
Speaker 1: someone in pain, I want to help them. I know

823
00:45:40,320 --> 00:45:43,040
Speaker 1: what what that means now, I know how to how

824
00:45:43,120 --> 00:45:46,719
Speaker 1: to like you know, untapped that grief and and and

825
00:45:46,840 --> 00:45:49,440
Speaker 1: say look at yourself. And so you know that's part

826
00:45:49,480 --> 00:45:51,600
Speaker 1: of that honesty thing. If you have the tools to

827
00:45:51,680 --> 00:45:55,920
Speaker 1: help somebody, how could you not. My friend calls those

828
00:45:56,080 --> 00:46:02,760
Speaker 1: care frontations are fair. I'm gonna write that down carefrontations

829
00:46:02,920 --> 00:46:04,640
Speaker 1: the next time I have one. I'm like, you know,

830
00:46:04,760 --> 00:46:06,840
Speaker 1: this is a care for care Wait, Naudi say it

831
00:46:07,160 --> 00:46:13,800
Speaker 1: care carefrontation, carefrontation. Okay, that'll be in the dictionary by March, definitely,

832
00:46:14,160 --> 00:46:29,239
Speaker 1: Chelsea will make it. So do you know this is

833
00:46:29,239 --> 00:46:31,400
Speaker 1: a little woo woo? But do you know the theory

834
00:46:31,520 --> 00:46:35,920
Speaker 1: that there's like this wound in our life, in our childhood,

835
00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:41,719
Speaker 1: and then if and when we create this healthier version

836
00:46:41,760 --> 00:46:48,360
Speaker 1: of ourselves, what we often do next is recreate what

837
00:46:48,560 --> 00:46:52,880
Speaker 1: happened to us so we can end it differently. Oh no,

838
00:46:53,360 --> 00:46:57,040
Speaker 1: I've never heard that. It's interesting, right that you this

839
00:46:57,280 --> 00:47:00,360
Speaker 1: fear of abandonment thing, and then and then to the

840
00:47:00,440 --> 00:47:04,800
Speaker 1: loss of Chet, and now here you are, having truly

841
00:47:06,239 --> 00:47:08,680
Speaker 1: been brave enough to do it, to enter into this

842
00:47:08,920 --> 00:47:11,520
Speaker 1: open up your heart, and you're ending it in an

843
00:47:11,600 --> 00:47:15,160
Speaker 1: opposite You're like taking that power back that you didn't

844
00:47:15,160 --> 00:47:16,840
Speaker 1: have when you were a kid, because you're doing it

845
00:47:16,840 --> 00:47:18,600
Speaker 1: in a way where you don't self abandoned and you

846
00:47:18,719 --> 00:47:21,600
Speaker 1: don't grieve in a closet like you're actually you might

847
00:47:21,640 --> 00:47:23,320
Speaker 1: still be in a closet, but it's very public what

848
00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:28,399
Speaker 1: it's like, you're grieving, you're showing all of your pain

849
00:47:28,480 --> 00:47:31,239
Speaker 1: and grief dealing with it now instead of putting it away,

850
00:47:31,760 --> 00:47:35,440
Speaker 1: and you're doing it for all of us. I like that,

851
00:47:35,880 --> 00:47:38,640
Speaker 1: just this idea that that's how we take back some

852
00:47:38,760 --> 00:47:41,200
Speaker 1: of the power of our childhood that we have because

853
00:47:41,600 --> 00:47:44,160
Speaker 1: I mean, people repeat those cycles all the time and patterns.

854
00:47:44,200 --> 00:47:46,160
Speaker 1: You know, they don't always end them differently, but they

855
00:47:46,239 --> 00:47:50,440
Speaker 1: definitely get into the same pattern, structure, same dynamic, whether

856
00:47:50,520 --> 00:47:54,120
Speaker 1: it's abusive or whether it's it's you're dependent or avoidant

857
00:47:54,160 --> 00:47:58,560
Speaker 1: and anxious, you know, all of those kind of dynamics

858
00:47:58,760 --> 00:48:01,880
Speaker 1: that can be repetitive. Like you, you know, you have

859
00:48:02,000 --> 00:48:06,279
Speaker 1: to disrupt the cycle, right, I remember it's gleat doctor

860
00:48:06,360 --> 00:48:09,360
Speaker 1: gleat Atlas. Okay, let me write that down. Next to

861
00:48:09,480 --> 00:48:14,680
Speaker 1: care frontation. She says, we either repeat or we repair.

862
00:48:15,719 --> 00:48:20,279
Speaker 1: So we always repeat the thing, yes, yes, but either

863
00:48:20,360 --> 00:48:24,160
Speaker 1: we repeat it mindlessly or we do this repair thing,

864
00:48:24,239 --> 00:48:26,880
Speaker 1: which just feels like what you're doing, which is repeated

865
00:48:26,920 --> 00:48:32,960
Speaker 1: but ended differently, and that that's healing. Yeah. Yeah, I

866
00:48:33,080 --> 00:48:34,920
Speaker 1: like that. I think that makes a lot of sense

867
00:48:35,719 --> 00:48:38,400
Speaker 1: because you know, you talk about your inner child a

868
00:48:38,480 --> 00:48:40,560
Speaker 1: lot in therapy. You know, with a person that you

869
00:48:40,640 --> 00:48:43,360
Speaker 1: were the age that you were when you were traumatized.

870
00:48:43,440 --> 00:48:45,479
Speaker 1: Like for me, it was nine when my brother left,

871
00:48:45,520 --> 00:48:48,520
Speaker 1: so emotionally I kind of stopped maturing. I wasn't in

872
00:48:48,600 --> 00:48:51,640
Speaker 1: touch with how to articulate my pain. I was never

873
00:48:51,960 --> 00:48:55,279
Speaker 1: told or spoke to a doctor that could help me

874
00:48:55,400 --> 00:48:59,560
Speaker 1: through that, you know, so uh, in relationships, I would

875
00:48:59,560 --> 00:49:01,680
Speaker 1: show up is that nine year old girl. I would

876
00:49:01,680 --> 00:49:05,160
Speaker 1: throw tantrums and instead of saying I'm hurt or I

877
00:49:05,280 --> 00:49:07,799
Speaker 1: love you, I would be like no, I I would

878
00:49:07,880 --> 00:49:11,880
Speaker 1: withhold or stop my feet or be silent, you know,

879
00:49:12,160 --> 00:49:17,239
Speaker 1: like childish behavior, and boyfriends were like listen, what, like,

880
00:49:17,600 --> 00:49:20,440
Speaker 1: what's your deal? I remember I had one boyfriend who

881
00:49:20,520 --> 00:49:22,320
Speaker 1: was like, I don't know what's going on with you,

882
00:49:22,440 --> 00:49:26,120
Speaker 1: but it feels like you have no ability to articulate

883
00:49:26,360 --> 00:49:31,160
Speaker 1: your feelings. And I was like, no, how would I like?

884
00:49:31,800 --> 00:49:34,759
Speaker 1: You know, I thought stopping my feet was that like that?

885
00:49:34,960 --> 00:49:37,239
Speaker 1: I thought that was how I got it across. And

886
00:49:37,400 --> 00:49:39,840
Speaker 1: you know, going into therapy and understanding, oh, why you

887
00:49:39,920 --> 00:49:42,320
Speaker 1: get so stuck when you talk about your feelings is

888
00:49:42,400 --> 00:49:47,200
Speaker 1: because I didn't have the language, you know, And that's

889
00:49:47,239 --> 00:49:49,279
Speaker 1: something that I see and a lot of people, and

890
00:49:49,320 --> 00:49:51,919
Speaker 1: when you don't have the language to communicate, then it's

891
00:49:52,080 --> 00:49:54,960
Speaker 1: you're never gonna You're never gonna have a healthy adult

892
00:49:55,280 --> 00:49:59,960
Speaker 1: romantic relationship. You never That's what you did with that announcement.

893
00:50:00,320 --> 00:50:04,200
Speaker 1: I feel like you gave people language to do this

894
00:50:04,360 --> 00:50:09,000
Speaker 1: in a way that is a higher way, self wise,

895
00:50:09,040 --> 00:50:11,320
Speaker 1: a self move. And you're writing this new book about

896
00:50:11,640 --> 00:50:14,120
Speaker 1: your love story. It's not about you and Joe. It's

897
00:50:14,160 --> 00:50:17,560
Speaker 1: about you and you. It's about the love story you're writing,

898
00:50:18,160 --> 00:50:22,600
Speaker 1: the relationship you're having with yourself. And I cried and

899
00:50:22,800 --> 00:50:25,040
Speaker 1: laughed when I was training for my marathon because I

900
00:50:25,120 --> 00:50:26,759
Speaker 1: was listening to your book. When I found you on

901
00:50:26,800 --> 00:50:28,520
Speaker 1: the side of the road, I was just like weeping.

902
00:50:29,320 --> 00:50:31,960
Speaker 1: I mean, Chelsea, I can't tell you how impactful that

903
00:50:32,040 --> 00:50:35,400
Speaker 1: book was and how much I longed for you to

904
00:50:35,680 --> 00:50:39,120
Speaker 1: find real love. And I think that we get it

905
00:50:39,160 --> 00:50:41,800
Speaker 1: also fucked and wrong with the love stories and the

906
00:50:41,920 --> 00:50:45,800
Speaker 1: movie world and TV world, Like love is actually the

907
00:50:45,840 --> 00:50:48,440
Speaker 1: relationship we have with ourselves. And that's what you showed

908
00:50:48,520 --> 00:50:50,480
Speaker 1: me with the with the post and coming out with

909
00:50:50,600 --> 00:50:53,840
Speaker 1: the story. Is the love that you now have and

910
00:50:53,960 --> 00:50:56,279
Speaker 1: you've created and you built this world around you for

911
00:50:56,400 --> 00:51:00,520
Speaker 1: yourself because so many people have a romantic love story,

912
00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:06,120
Speaker 1: but it requires self abandonment, and that's not it. It's

913
00:51:06,160 --> 00:51:09,120
Speaker 1: not just being partnered. And I love what you're saying, Abby,

914
00:51:09,200 --> 00:51:12,919
Speaker 1: because it's also like, you know, I've been in love

915
00:51:13,040 --> 00:51:19,440
Speaker 1: with myself before where I really thought, Wow, you're fucking awesome,

916
00:51:19,719 --> 00:51:21,920
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like you've got something that

917
00:51:22,000 --> 00:51:25,400
Speaker 1: a lot of people don't got. But to love yourself

918
00:51:25,800 --> 00:51:29,720
Speaker 1: is a much different feeling than being in love with yourself.

919
00:51:30,920 --> 00:51:34,880
Speaker 1: You're not showcasing yourself for others, and it falling in

920
00:51:35,000 --> 00:51:39,080
Speaker 1: love with that. You actually have looked inward and you

921
00:51:39,320 --> 00:51:43,720
Speaker 1: love and respect yourself, and no one once that is built,

922
00:51:44,600 --> 00:51:47,879
Speaker 1: you can't take that away from somebody. It's the same

923
00:51:47,920 --> 00:51:51,080
Speaker 1: way that you can be really strong like you've always been.

924
00:51:51,520 --> 00:51:55,440
Speaker 1: I mean, you have been strong like a bull and

925
00:51:56,960 --> 00:52:00,440
Speaker 1: as unapologetic and as shameless. There's no one that wouldn't

926
00:52:00,440 --> 00:52:04,800
Speaker 1: call you strong. And then with this though, it's like

927
00:52:04,880 --> 00:52:08,400
Speaker 1: you're strong enough to be weak. I mean, anyone can

928
00:52:08,560 --> 00:52:12,080
Speaker 1: stand in strength when they are surrounded by a fortress

929
00:52:12,120 --> 00:52:17,480
Speaker 1: of defenses, but super fucking strong people can stand there

930
00:52:18,200 --> 00:52:22,399
Speaker 1: with no defense. That's what I feel like you did

931
00:52:22,560 --> 00:52:27,200
Speaker 1: with that post. It was equal parts total strength and

932
00:52:27,480 --> 00:52:32,200
Speaker 1: total weakness, which we use as a like a negative

933
00:52:32,239 --> 00:52:36,480
Speaker 1: thing softness. Vulnerability, yea vulnerability. Yeah, but you were like,

934
00:52:36,760 --> 00:52:39,560
Speaker 1: this is how much I care. This is how much

935
00:52:39,640 --> 00:52:42,360
Speaker 1: I care. Well, vulnerability is strength, you know. For a

936
00:52:42,440 --> 00:52:45,560
Speaker 1: long time I looked at that as like, oh, you,

937
00:52:45,920 --> 00:52:49,320
Speaker 1: vulnerability is weakness, and it's like, no, vulnerability is strength.

938
00:52:49,400 --> 00:52:54,359
Speaker 1: Vulnerability is knowing that like, Okay, you're putting yourself out

939
00:52:54,440 --> 00:52:58,880
Speaker 1: there in a way that is revealing and uncomfortable, and

940
00:52:59,000 --> 00:53:03,040
Speaker 1: that's strong. Yes, And that's a good reminder, you know,

941
00:53:03,400 --> 00:53:08,840
Speaker 1: for everybody, because the defensiveness and the toughness and the inability.

942
00:53:08,960 --> 00:53:11,360
Speaker 1: You know, one thing I learned in therapy that was

943
00:53:11,440 --> 00:53:15,320
Speaker 1: so valuable was my inability to like be alone, you know,

944
00:53:15,560 --> 00:53:18,520
Speaker 1: to sit like just not even you know, with the

945
00:53:18,640 --> 00:53:21,560
Speaker 1: TV on, to sit in my backyard and just look

946
00:53:21,600 --> 00:53:26,880
Speaker 1: at the trees or the grass or whatever. And and

947
00:53:27,320 --> 00:53:29,960
Speaker 1: I didn't understand why that was an issue. I was like,

948
00:53:30,200 --> 00:53:32,120
Speaker 1: but I don't want to be alone. I like people.

949
00:53:32,360 --> 00:53:34,479
Speaker 1: I always had an entourage. I always had like people

950
00:53:34,560 --> 00:53:37,680
Speaker 1: living at my house, you know. And he was like,

951
00:53:37,880 --> 00:53:40,239
Speaker 1: that's great, you can always have that, But like if

952
00:53:40,280 --> 00:53:42,920
Speaker 1: you don't have a relationship with your own thoughts. If

953
00:53:42,960 --> 00:53:46,719
Speaker 1: you're so scared to be alone with your inner dialogue

954
00:53:47,280 --> 00:53:50,080
Speaker 1: and you're scared of what's going to come up, then

955
00:53:50,120 --> 00:53:54,960
Speaker 1: you're fucked up. There's no shortcut around it. Like, no

956
00:53:55,080 --> 00:53:57,960
Speaker 1: one gets away with it, No one gets away with

957
00:53:58,440 --> 00:54:01,320
Speaker 1: not looking at themselves. Will bite you in the ass

958
00:54:01,880 --> 00:54:04,560
Speaker 1: just when you are on top of the world, like

959
00:54:04,719 --> 00:54:07,040
Speaker 1: I did with me. I was on top of the

960
00:54:07,120 --> 00:54:09,480
Speaker 1: world and it bit me in the ass, and then

961
00:54:09,560 --> 00:54:13,160
Speaker 1: I was defenseless because I just I just fell down,

962
00:54:13,719 --> 00:54:15,640
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, my defenses. I was out

963
00:54:15,680 --> 00:54:20,040
Speaker 1: of defenses and and and that's not a desirable wait

964
00:54:20,160 --> 00:54:25,239
Speaker 1: for it to happen. It's so much more um positive

965
00:54:25,440 --> 00:54:32,120
Speaker 1: and powerful. Yeah, thank you, like too, to seek out

966
00:54:32,160 --> 00:54:36,080
Speaker 1: the truth, you know, and not worry about that dulling

967
00:54:36,200 --> 00:54:40,239
Speaker 1: your creativity. You're gonna be a fuller, holer person who's

968
00:54:40,280 --> 00:54:43,239
Speaker 1: gonna be even more relatable, you know, because since I've

969
00:54:43,320 --> 00:54:46,200
Speaker 1: cracked open, people can relate to me so much more.

970
00:54:46,440 --> 00:54:49,840
Speaker 1: I was unrelatable before I went to therapyally, you know,

971
00:54:50,200 --> 00:54:52,160
Speaker 1: like it was people are like, what's wrong with this

972
00:54:52,320 --> 00:54:54,719
Speaker 1: fucking bitch? Is she liked this all the time? I'm like,

973
00:54:55,200 --> 00:54:58,840
Speaker 1: what do you mean, I'm crushing it, like aspirational but

974
00:54:59,040 --> 00:55:06,759
Speaker 1: not relatable exactly exactly and uh and you know the escapism.

975
00:55:06,920 --> 00:55:08,879
Speaker 1: You know. I love to party, I love to talk

976
00:55:08,920 --> 00:55:11,640
Speaker 1: about it. I love mushrooms, I love cannabis, I love alcohol,

977
00:55:11,680 --> 00:55:13,960
Speaker 1: I love all of it. But you know, my relationship

978
00:55:14,040 --> 00:55:16,799
Speaker 1: with all of that has also changed, you know, because

979
00:55:16,880 --> 00:55:20,240
Speaker 1: of therapy, because you're like, Okay, well that's an unreasonable amount,

980
00:55:20,719 --> 00:55:23,120
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, like, what are you doing there?

981
00:55:23,520 --> 00:55:25,960
Speaker 1: And even now, you know, especially in the throes of

982
00:55:26,080 --> 00:55:29,239
Speaker 1: my feelings right now, in this last month of separating

983
00:55:29,320 --> 00:55:32,960
Speaker 1: from from Joe, you know, there are times where I've

984
00:55:33,000 --> 00:55:34,680
Speaker 1: had a couple of drinks with friends, and then there

985
00:55:34,719 --> 00:55:36,439
Speaker 1: are times where like, no, I don't want to feel

986
00:55:36,480 --> 00:55:38,440
Speaker 1: that way. I want to sleep well. I don't want

987
00:55:38,440 --> 00:55:39,920
Speaker 1: to wake up in the middle of the night. I

988
00:55:39,960 --> 00:55:41,960
Speaker 1: don't want to numb this. I don't want to get

989
00:55:42,040 --> 00:55:43,839
Speaker 1: drunk and have fun right now. I want to deal

990
00:55:43,920 --> 00:55:46,480
Speaker 1: with the pain that I'm in and exhaust that pain

991
00:55:46,960 --> 00:55:49,800
Speaker 1: and get through it, because there is that is the

992
00:55:49,960 --> 00:55:52,320
Speaker 1: best way in that book. I don't know if you

993
00:55:52,360 --> 00:55:55,879
Speaker 1: guys have read this David Hawkings book, Letting Go. It's

994
00:55:55,920 --> 00:55:58,600
Speaker 1: pretty deep and pretty metaphysical, so you have to be

995
00:55:58,840 --> 00:56:01,040
Speaker 1: like really down with it when you read it, because

996
00:56:01,080 --> 00:56:05,520
Speaker 1: otherwise you're like huh and um. And he talks about

997
00:56:05,640 --> 00:56:07,640
Speaker 1: this guy who lost his mother and he just went

998
00:56:07,680 --> 00:56:10,880
Speaker 1: to a cabin and just sat alone in this cabin

999
00:56:11,600 --> 00:56:16,280
Speaker 1: and cried and cried and cried until he felt joy again.

1000
00:56:17,160 --> 00:56:21,239
Speaker 1: And he faced his grief head on and dealt with it,

1001
00:56:22,120 --> 00:56:25,399
Speaker 1: and he was able to exhaust it in a much

1002
00:56:25,480 --> 00:56:28,759
Speaker 1: quicker at a much quicker rate than when you are

1003
00:56:28,960 --> 00:56:35,400
Speaker 1: constantly trying to distract yourself from your own pain. Exhausting it,

1004
00:56:35,760 --> 00:56:39,640
Speaker 1: that is, I've never heard exhaust your pain. Yeah, it's

1005
00:56:39,680 --> 00:56:42,400
Speaker 1: like running at three year old boy around in the backyard.

1006
00:56:42,680 --> 00:56:44,879
Speaker 1: That's how I think of pain. Let me fucking run

1007
00:56:44,960 --> 00:56:47,239
Speaker 1: it around and run it around so that it gets

1008
00:56:47,280 --> 00:56:50,320
Speaker 1: so tired that it leaves my body in a in

1009
00:56:50,400 --> 00:56:54,200
Speaker 1: a quicker succession than you know. All the other stuff

1010
00:56:54,239 --> 00:56:57,080
Speaker 1: can delay your grief. And so yeah, I want to

1011
00:56:57,160 --> 00:57:01,839
Speaker 1: exhaust that pain. And it's working. I feel joyful, even

1012
00:57:01,880 --> 00:57:06,600
Speaker 1: though I feel heartbroken. I feel so joyful and optimistic

1013
00:57:06,719 --> 00:57:10,960
Speaker 1: and grateful, like grateful for these amazing people in my life,

1014
00:57:11,000 --> 00:57:13,960
Speaker 1: Grateful to be sitting here having a conversation like this.

1015
00:57:14,280 --> 00:57:16,080
Speaker 1: You know, I would never have been able to talk

1016
00:57:16,160 --> 00:57:19,120
Speaker 1: like this openly when before I went to therapy. I

1017
00:57:19,160 --> 00:57:21,200
Speaker 1: would never be able to any let anyone see me

1018
00:57:21,320 --> 00:57:24,640
Speaker 1: this way. And you know, like I have so much

1019
00:57:24,720 --> 00:57:28,400
Speaker 1: gratitude for that growth, and gratitude for the fact that

1020
00:57:28,480 --> 00:57:32,440
Speaker 1: these conversations like on your podcast, on my podcast, on

1021
00:57:33,040 --> 00:57:35,800
Speaker 1: multiple podcasts. I mean, there's only like six ers of

1022
00:57:35,880 --> 00:57:41,600
Speaker 1: a podcast, so let's be honest, we have half of them. Um,

1023
00:57:42,080 --> 00:57:44,640
Speaker 1: you know that we are all talking about this stuff

1024
00:57:44,840 --> 00:57:47,440
Speaker 1: because you know, the only way to make somebody stronger

1025
00:57:47,600 --> 00:57:51,160
Speaker 1: is to share. Yeah, it's like grief. It's like the

1026
00:57:51,320 --> 00:57:54,800
Speaker 1: Jewish tradition of sitting sugar for yourself for a while.

1027
00:57:54,960 --> 00:57:57,760
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, for yourself. And that's not to say

1028
00:57:57,880 --> 00:58:02,120
Speaker 1: it's not like a pity party. It's a you know, yeah,

1029
00:58:02,280 --> 00:58:05,720
Speaker 1: it's an actulive grieving. It's so funny because like Shiva

1030
00:58:05,800 --> 00:58:08,480
Speaker 1: is so depressing. That's just the way. Wouldn't it be

1031
00:58:08,600 --> 00:58:12,880
Speaker 1: great if every every funeral was a celebration of life

1032
00:58:12,960 --> 00:58:15,280
Speaker 1: and we all just took part of that person and

1033
00:58:15,960 --> 00:58:19,760
Speaker 1: lived in their honor, you know, instead of feeling sorry

1034
00:58:19,840 --> 00:58:22,560
Speaker 1: that they're not here anymore. No one's ever really gone.

1035
00:58:22,840 --> 00:58:25,919
Speaker 1: You know, people aren't gone once you've met them. They're

1036
00:58:25,960 --> 00:58:27,880
Speaker 1: with you forever if you love them and if you

1037
00:58:27,960 --> 00:58:30,800
Speaker 1: had something special, and that's worthwhile. And there's a different

1038
00:58:30,800 --> 00:58:32,560
Speaker 1: way to frame death, and there's a different way for

1039
00:58:32,640 --> 00:58:35,320
Speaker 1: us to cope with death. And that's why it's so

1040
00:58:35,440 --> 00:58:39,680
Speaker 1: beautiful when you talk about this loss in some way

1041
00:58:40,040 --> 00:58:43,000
Speaker 1: of Joe, is that everything you just said it is true,

1042
00:58:43,240 --> 00:58:45,560
Speaker 1: Like that person is forever going to be part of you,

1043
00:58:45,880 --> 00:58:48,160
Speaker 1: that experience forever going to be part of you. You

1044
00:58:48,280 --> 00:58:51,320
Speaker 1: are changed because of it, and it's almost like the

1045
00:58:51,520 --> 00:58:55,760
Speaker 1: rest of your loves that you have on out are

1046
00:58:55,840 --> 00:59:01,680
Speaker 1: in part in honor of that. Yes, absolutely, like my

1047
00:59:01,880 --> 00:59:06,640
Speaker 1: next relationship will only be stronger and better. You know,

1048
00:59:06,880 --> 00:59:10,760
Speaker 1: I don't have any time for anything other than excellent,

1049
00:59:11,560 --> 00:59:14,960
Speaker 1: and you know I'm I'm excellent, and I want that

1050
00:59:15,200 --> 00:59:19,320
Speaker 1: in return, you know. And and so that's there's a

1051
00:59:19,400 --> 00:59:22,840
Speaker 1: lot of dignity that comes from that self exploration and

1052
00:59:23,080 --> 00:59:26,480
Speaker 1: a lot of you know, self assurance. You can go

1053
00:59:26,600 --> 00:59:28,720
Speaker 1: through times in your life. I certainly have where I

1054
00:59:28,800 --> 00:59:33,000
Speaker 1: have been insecure or self conscious or second guest myself

1055
00:59:33,680 --> 00:59:36,880
Speaker 1: and that's not a fun feeling. And you know, most

1056
00:59:36,920 --> 00:59:38,800
Speaker 1: people don't know that that you can get out of

1057
00:59:38,880 --> 00:59:43,560
Speaker 1: that chill. See thank you, I don't. I just the

1058
00:59:43,680 --> 00:59:46,400
Speaker 1: way that you are walking through. This is going to

1059
00:59:46,560 --> 00:59:49,960
Speaker 1: change lives and it's going to it's it's a victory

1060
00:59:50,080 --> 00:59:53,520
Speaker 1: much it is how I feel about it because it

1061
00:59:53,720 --> 00:59:57,560
Speaker 1: is going to help so many people not abandon themselves

1062
00:59:57,880 --> 01:00:01,760
Speaker 1: and redefine what victory and love is, which is that

1063
01:00:02,640 --> 01:00:09,120
Speaker 1: which is perhaps partnering and only partnering with the person

1064
01:00:09,280 --> 01:00:14,840
Speaker 1: who never require self abandonment of you, and that it's

1065
01:00:15,000 --> 01:00:17,720
Speaker 1: just want everybody to repeat the mantra, I am excellent

1066
01:00:19,400 --> 01:00:23,360
Speaker 1: and I deserve excellence. Let us take that. You're just

1067
01:00:23,600 --> 01:00:27,880
Speaker 1: I just fucking love you, Chelsea Handler. Oh my god,

1068
01:00:27,880 --> 01:00:30,240
Speaker 1: I love you guys. I love all three of you.

1069
01:00:30,600 --> 01:00:32,320
Speaker 1: I love you so much, and I love that we

1070
01:00:32,440 --> 01:00:35,760
Speaker 1: have a history to gather Glennon from so many years,

1071
01:00:35,920 --> 01:00:38,840
Speaker 1: and we've done so many fun things together. You know,

1072
01:00:39,360 --> 01:00:42,800
Speaker 1: whether it be interviewing, well, it's always interviewing, but it's

1073
01:00:42,840 --> 01:00:45,120
Speaker 1: so fun to do it with you. All right, the

1074
01:00:45,200 --> 01:00:47,240
Speaker 1: rest of you. We will see you next time when

1075
01:00:47,320 --> 01:00:49,280
Speaker 1: we can do hard things. Thanks for doing hard things

1076
01:00:49,320 --> 01:00:55,800
Speaker 1: with us, Chelsea. We can do hard things. Is produced

1077
01:00:55,840 --> 01:01:00,320
Speaker 1: in partnership with Cadence thirteen studios. Be sure to rate, review,

1078
01:01:00,560 --> 01:01:04,080
Speaker 1: and follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Odyssey, or wherever

1079
01:01:04,200 --> 01:01:06,920
Speaker 1: you get your podcasts. Especially, be sure to rate and

1080
01:01:07,040 --> 01:01:10,480
Speaker 1: review the podcast if you really liked it. If you didn't,

1081
01:01:10,520 --> 01:01:11,880
Speaker 1: don't worry about it. It's fine.