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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 2: If you find that you are in a relationship where

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Speaker 2: you feel lonely, that's a huge sign that it may

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Speaker 2: be time to go. Hey lady, have you ever felt

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Speaker 2: like the world just doesn't get you? Well, we do.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 1: and empowering women like you.

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Speaker 2: We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Brussard, and educator and psychologists.

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Speaker 1: And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.

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Speaker 2: Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from

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Speaker 2: fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black

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Speaker 2: women to just be.

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Speaker 1: Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow

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Speaker 1: button and leave us a quick five star review. We

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Speaker 1: are black founded and black owned, and your support will

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Speaker 1: help us reach even more women like you.

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Speaker 2: Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 3: Hey lady, it's doctor Do'm here from the Cultivating her

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Speaker 3: Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the state

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Speaker 3: of California and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so,

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Speaker 3: please reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.

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Speaker 2: That's d R D O M I N I q

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Speaker 2: U E b R O U ss ar D dot

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Speaker 2: com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look

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Speaker 2: forward to hearing from you. All right. Our quote of

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Speaker 2: the day, Until you get comfortable being alone, You'll never

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Speaker 2: know if you're choosing someone out of love or alone.

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Speaker 2: That quote comes to us from Mandy Hell and I'm

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Speaker 2: gonna read this one more time for the folks in

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Speaker 2: the back. Until you get comfortable being alone, You'll never

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Speaker 2: know if you're choosing someone out of love or loneliness.

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Speaker 2: All right, T.

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Speaker 1: What you think, girl one, I want to start shouting

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Speaker 1: because this is gospel. This is this is the truth.

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Speaker 1: This is a really good quote. And when I think

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Speaker 1: about this quote, it makes me. It just makes me

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Speaker 1: think about the importance of self awareness and self sufficiency.

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Speaker 1: And I think it also highlights that our relationships, especially

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Speaker 1: the romantic ones, it should come from a place of

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Speaker 1: genuine connection and not fear or emptiness. And I think

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Speaker 1: that I've definitely heard of situations where someone wasn't happy

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Speaker 1: alone and then they just got into something because they

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Speaker 1: were bored. They just wanted a warm bodies. So this

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Speaker 1: is a good quote. I think it's a great quote

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Speaker 1: for that besode what comes up for you when you

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Speaker 1: heard this quote.

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Speaker 2: I think the first part of the quote stands out

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Speaker 2: to me of getting comfortable being alone. I'm gonna try

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Speaker 2: not to go on a tangent, but we will do it.

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Speaker 2: I mean, if it happens, it happens. So I think

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Speaker 2: about how we've been historically socialized that for centuries, decades

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Speaker 2: whatever it was, or yeah it was, you go from

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Speaker 2: being in your family home, your childhood home too, you

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Speaker 2: are married and living with a partner, and that's what

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Speaker 2: it is for the rest of your life. Right, That's

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Speaker 2: what we've been socialized on how to live. And then

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Speaker 2: in more recent decades, and I say recent decades, like

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Speaker 2: I said, like the last fifty years or so, when

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Speaker 2: it became more common and became actually allowed in this

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Speaker 2: country for women to get divorces, then we see more

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Speaker 2: acceptance around women being single and living on their own.

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Speaker 2: And so you have this shift, but it's still working

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Speaker 2: its way through how we've been socialized, right, And so

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Speaker 2: you have this shift where you have some women who

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Speaker 2: do move from their childhood home, maybe go to college

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Speaker 2: or grad school, professional school, and live alone before they

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Speaker 2: find a partner, and over the last like two to

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Speaker 2: three decades, we see a whole variety of those scenarios

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Speaker 2: where after you leave your childhood home, what comes next,

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Speaker 2: And what I think happens is that oftentimes, because of

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Speaker 2: that socialization, a lot of us are not comfortable being alone.

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Speaker 2: And I think that no matter what your living dynamics are,

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Speaker 2: whether you go from living in your childhood home until

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Speaker 2: you find a partner, or you live with roommates, or

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Speaker 2: whatever your situation may be, I think that it's important

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Speaker 2: for us to learn how to be alone, but even

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Speaker 2: deeper than that, to enjoy our own company, to enjoy

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Speaker 2: being with ourselves. So, whether you live in a house

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Speaker 2: with ten other people or literally alone, you know how

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Speaker 2: to function and thrive being by yourself, because until you

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Speaker 2: really are comfortable with that, it is hard, in terms

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Speaker 2: of relationships to know whether you're choosing a partner out

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Speaker 2: of a fear of being alone, out of a fear

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Speaker 2: of loneliness, or truly because you love this person and

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Speaker 2: think that they are a great match for you.

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Speaker 1: You better come on. Okay. I had to take some

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Speaker 1: notes as you were talking because I'm like, oh, you

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Speaker 1: got me excited. I want to jump into some of

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Speaker 1: this stuff. So let's circle back on that ashull we

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Speaker 1: sort of. Lady, we're gonna give you a quick little

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Speaker 1: intro of this episode because we're releasing this on Valentine's

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Speaker 1: Day and okay, so dom, I'm gonna put a pin

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Speaker 1: in that because there is a lot to unpack there. So, lady,

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Speaker 1: we are diving into this topic. It's perfect for Valentine's Day,

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Speaker 1: but it is so necessary for all year round. Okay,

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Speaker 1: we're going to talk about unpacking love versus loneliness and

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Speaker 1: how to know if you're settling or building something real.

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Speaker 1: So Valentine's Day, as we know, can bring up a

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Speaker 1: lot of emotions. Right, for some of us, it's a

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Speaker 1: day of love, joy and celebration, and then for others,

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Speaker 1: it can be a reminder of loneliness. Right, It can

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Speaker 1: bring up doubts or it can even question or allow

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Speaker 1: you to question whether the relationship you're in is truly

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Speaker 1: serving you. And if that's you, lady, you are not alone. Okay.

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Speaker 1: This episode is all about clarity, self awareness, and love,

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Speaker 1: whether you're single, in a relationship, or if you're somewhere

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Speaker 1: in between. Because we know sometimes we've got them situationships. Okay,

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Speaker 1: we're going to take an honest look at what love

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Speaker 1: should feel like, how to recognize loneliness in disguise, and

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Speaker 1: how to make sure we're building something real. So, Dom,

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Speaker 1: do you want to circle back to what you were

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Speaker 1: sharing or should we define love versus loneliness because there's

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Speaker 1: so much to unpack. I took some notes on you know,

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Speaker 1: as you were talking, what do you think.

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Speaker 2: Let's define love versus loneliness. But also before we do that,

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Speaker 2: let's distinct much between being alone and loneliness because those

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Speaker 2: are two different things that people often use interchange.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, they are, they are. I like that being alone

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Speaker 1: versus loneliness. Well, let me just share something with you, Dom.

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Speaker 1: I didn't share this yet because I was going to

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Speaker 1: share it off air, so that okay. So I'm a homebody. Typically,

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Speaker 1: I love being at home. I love being by myself,

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Speaker 1: and I've been trying my best to work on getting

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Speaker 1: out more. Like sometimes I go out, but I go

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Speaker 1: into my season where I could be at home all

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Speaker 1: day and don't go anywhere. So last night, after we

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Speaker 1: did our recording, I took myself on a date and

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Speaker 1: I went to the movies and it was so good.

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Speaker 1: I saw the Easter ray and says that what is

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Speaker 1: it called one of them days? Yes, okay, So I

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Speaker 1: went to go see that movie and girl, it was

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Speaker 1: so interesting because I have not been I don't know

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Speaker 1: when the last time I went to the movies was,

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Speaker 1: and I don't know the last time I went to

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Speaker 1: the movies by myself. But it was an experience, especially

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Speaker 1: as someone who is very introverted. I got a seat

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Speaker 1: at the far end by myself. There was no one

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Speaker 1: in my road. I loved it. It was amazing. And

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Speaker 1: so when I think about what you shared about loneliness

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Speaker 1: versus being alone, I was alone, but I didn't feel lonely.

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Speaker 1: I was enjoying my own company. I had a good

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Speaker 1: ass time. I documented some of it. I was in

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Speaker 1: the seat laughing by myself. I had my snacks, so

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Speaker 1: it was still a good time that I didn't feel

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Speaker 1: like I was missing anything or lacking anything. So when

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Speaker 1: I think about being alone, I think that is a

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Speaker 1: good illustration or depiction of what that could look like.

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Speaker 2: Yes, I couldn't agree more. That is a perfect example. Yes,

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Speaker 2: I think another example for folks to think about in

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Speaker 2: terms of the alone versus loneliness is you let's say

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Speaker 2: that you live in a house with four other people.

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Speaker 2: We're not even worried about what that constellation really is.

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Speaker 2: It's but you're in a house with four other people.

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Speaker 2: While you might not be physically by yourself, so you're

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Speaker 2: not technically alone, you may feel lonely because you don't

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Speaker 2: feel connected to the people that you're in the house with,

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Speaker 2: or you are intentionally isolating from the people that you're

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Speaker 2: in the house with. And so that's to me, that's

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Speaker 2: another example of how one can be lonely but not alone.

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Speaker 1: That's a good one. That's a what the go one?

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Speaker 1: You know what else that makes me think about them.

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Speaker 1: I think back to when I was younger. I didn't

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Speaker 1: realize that the environment I grew up in and the

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Speaker 1: things I experienced sort of positioned me to be codependent.

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Speaker 1: And one of the things I think about is, I

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Speaker 1: remember when I was younger, I was very self conscious,

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Speaker 1: since like teenage high school years, when I would walk

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Speaker 1: to school by myself, I felt lonely to the point

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Speaker 1: where I needed to call call a friend on the

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Speaker 1: phone to always be having someone with me. Whether we

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Speaker 1: were usually was on the phone because we weren't really

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Speaker 1: texting that much back of the day. I don't know

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Speaker 1: if y'all remember, we used to have minutes and the

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Speaker 1: text were taking your minutes, and so I would just

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Speaker 1: be on the phone calling anybody who could keep me

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Speaker 1: entertained as I was doing the thing. And so for me,

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Speaker 1: that gives That's like another example that I'm thinking of

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Speaker 1: where there's some loneliness there. It may not necessarily be

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Speaker 1: alone because there are people, you know, walking around with me,

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Speaker 1: but I felt like I needed some type of I

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Speaker 1: don't know, entertainment or someone to be with me.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think that's yeah, I think those are

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Speaker 2: good examples. And so yeah, all right, So now that

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Speaker 2: we distinguish between being alone versus being lonely, what comes

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Speaker 2: up for you when you think of the definition or

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Speaker 2: think of defining love versus loneliness, Like, what how do

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Speaker 2: we distinguish the two?

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Speaker 1: Yes, so I when not talking about like the social media,

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Speaker 1: you know, the fairy tale version or what we see

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Speaker 1: in the movies, right, but like real life to honestly,

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Speaker 1: don when I think about love to me, I think

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Speaker 1: of respect, trust, safety. But also I feel like the

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Speaker 1: best way for me to describe this is like giving

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Speaker 1: an example. There are friends that I have where I

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Speaker 1: I just you just feel the love with them, and

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Speaker 1: for me, it's like no pressure, it's acceptance. And I'm

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Speaker 1: going to give you a quick example. So recently, I

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Speaker 1: have had a lot going on and I had to

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Speaker 1: sort of withdraw from certain connections. Not for a prolonged period,

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Speaker 1: but people wanted to catch up and I was just like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to need a bit more space and time

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Speaker 1: because I had a lot I was navigating and I

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Speaker 1: wanted to communicate that boundary and there were some people

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Speaker 1: that responded, and these are friends. I just it made

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Speaker 1: me feel really seen. They were like, hey, I get it,

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Speaker 1: things happen, no worries, reach out when you can. And

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Speaker 1: then there was someone else that I was talking to

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Speaker 1: and it was more like, well, you know, I always

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Speaker 1: make time for you know, people that are important to me.

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Speaker 1: It kind of felt like there was like a little

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Speaker 1: bit of a guilt trip there, and so for me,

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Speaker 1: I felt like the love was from the people who

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Speaker 1: were just accepting and they were understanding and they didn't

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Speaker 1: put this unnecessary pressure on me to connect when they

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Speaker 1: wanted to connect. If that makes sense, Yeah, I do

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Speaker 1: you think.

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Speaker 2: I think when i'm as I'm listening to that, I

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Speaker 2: think it comes up for me is around. It is

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Speaker 2: around like understanding, Like what we said about loneliness, right

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Speaker 2: that like it's it's this feeling of isolation. It's this

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Speaker 2: feeling of lack of connection, right, and it almost can

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Speaker 2: be a passive experience versus To me, love is around

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Speaker 2: like you choosing to show up, to have a connection,

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Speaker 2: to be there for someone, to be your authentic self,

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Speaker 2: right to accept the other person as they are. Like

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Speaker 2: to me, love is about choosing a connection, whereas loneliness

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Speaker 2: is the is the opposite. You're you're not connected.

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Speaker 1: Well, I'm processing that, Okay, love is choosing a connection

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Speaker 1: because you know what was coming up for me, dom

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Speaker 1: as you share that, I'm thinking about those situations where

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Speaker 1: love can be disguised as either loneliness or something else.

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Speaker 1: Like so if someone is like using manipulation, or someone's

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Speaker 1: giving you a lot of attention and it feels good,

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Speaker 1: so you're like, oh, this must be love, but they

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Speaker 1: have an ulterior motive or maybe they're lonely, so they're

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Speaker 1: trying to, you know, fill you up so that you

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Speaker 1: can reciprocate in a certain way, and so I think

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Speaker 1: that there is I definitely think there's true to love

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Speaker 1: is choosing, but I also think that there's like a

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Speaker 1: I also think that there is a no pressure and

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Speaker 1: there's like full acceptance too when it comes to love,

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Speaker 1: like the unconditional level we hear about, yeah, right, I

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Speaker 1: think about like the love we have for just like

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Speaker 1: my child, right, like where it's like, no matter what

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Speaker 1: you do, I'm still going to be there for you.

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Speaker 1: Love can also look like correction and guidance as well.

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Speaker 1: But I think that there is an underlying there's action

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Speaker 1: in it. Action in it. Yeah, and like no real

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Speaker 1: I want to say, like no real expectation of that

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Speaker 1: makes sense, you know, like okay, okay, okay.

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Speaker 2: I'm just And love is a when and I so

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Speaker 2: part of what it is is that people often confuse

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Speaker 2: how they're feeling about someone with love. Yeah, so sometimes

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Speaker 2: you may feel obligated to a person that's not necessarily love. Yes,

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Speaker 2: there are people in my life who I do feel

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Speaker 2: obligated to because I love them, But I also know

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Speaker 2: that I can set boundaries with them and those boundaries

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Speaker 2: will be respected, And that's where love comes in, right,

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Speaker 2: that I can communicate what it is that I need,

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Speaker 2: and that person is still going to respect me and

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Speaker 2: show up for me. To me that that's love. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: love is not blind loyalty. Say that again, that it

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Speaker 2: is not blind loyalty. If I love you and you

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Speaker 2: are doing some destructive ass shit, I will lovingly kindly

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Speaker 2: tell you get your shit together. Okay, it's not gonna

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Speaker 2: sound like that, of course, but essentially, yes, I will

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Speaker 2: let you know. If I love you, I'm not going

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Speaker 2: to stay quiet while you were and sit back and

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Speaker 2: watch you do things that are hurting yourself or hurting

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Speaker 2: me or hurting me. Yes, you don't have to like

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Speaker 2: what I'm saying, but if I love you, I'm going

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Speaker 2: to say it. And I do also want to recognize

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Speaker 2: that there are times in our lives where we may

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Speaker 2: love someone, but we may be struggling with communication or

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Speaker 2: whatever it may be, and so we may not be

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Speaker 2: able to let people know when they are doing things

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Speaker 2: to harm us. But when we're in a healthy place, ideally,

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Speaker 2: when we are in a healthy space within ourselves and

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Speaker 2: within the dynamic of whoever we're engaging with, then we

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Speaker 2: should be able to communicate when things aren't going well.

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Speaker 1: Yes, yes, yes, And the lasting I'm going to say

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Speaker 1: about this two times is that I think that it's

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Speaker 1: important to note that love does not hurt. Love is

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Speaker 1: not painful, Love is not it shouldn't be being bringing

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Speaker 1: distress or confusion into your life. And so I think sometimes,

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Speaker 1: you know, when we're in situations, someone can show up

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Speaker 1: in a certain way and kind of like you know,

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Speaker 1: showcase their representative and maybe say one thing, but then

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Speaker 1: not necessarily do another. So I think that that's another

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Speaker 1: thing to like ground ourselves on. Is love is complex? Right?

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Speaker 1: We can all sit here, we can probably see he

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Speaker 1: it for hours and talk about, well, this is what

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Speaker 1: love is to me. But one thing I know for

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Speaker 1: sure is i'd love should not be hurting, right. Love

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Speaker 1: should not be painful, It should not be causing you

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Speaker 1: like issues, It shouldn't be bringing issues into your life.

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Speaker 1: And so I think that those are some good points

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Speaker 1: to think about, lady, before we dive into how to

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Speaker 1: know if you're settling. I think this comes up a

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Speaker 1: lot in my friend groups and conversations like how do

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Speaker 1: I know if I'm settling?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what I mean, And that question is a

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Speaker 2: real question, and what I see oftentimes is that it's

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Speaker 2: not necessarily a question until you're older.

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Speaker 1: What do you mean?

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Speaker 2: So, when I think about dating as a young adult,

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Speaker 2: meaning dating in your twenties compared to dating when you're

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Speaker 2: thirty plus, there tends to be It's not always the case,

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Speaker 2: but there tends to be more. There tends to be

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Speaker 2: this space of settling, particularly for women who once they

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Speaker 2: get to like the late twenties, early thirties, and they

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Speaker 2: start questioning, Okay, well, am I want a family? What

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Speaker 2: does this look like? When there's certain things that they

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Speaker 2: want to check off their lists, then settling really becomes

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Speaker 2: a real question of okay. So, and I'm saying it's

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Speaker 2: it more frequently occurs in that late twenties early thirties

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Speaker 2: because women's we even socialized to start thinking about our

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Speaker 2: biological clock, like real heavy at that point. Yeah, And

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Speaker 2: then it can spike again in later stages of life

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Speaker 2: where you're like, Okay, I haven't had X, Y and

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Speaker 2: Z experience, maybe it's time that I go on ahead

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Speaker 2: and get this relationship, you know, check this box off.

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Speaker 2: And now you're having to ask yourself, truly, am I settling? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: That makes sense, that makes sense. I can totally see

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Speaker 1: that too, And I think that before we even talk

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Speaker 1: about settling. When you were talking made me think about

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Speaker 1: the fact that before we get to that question, it's

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Speaker 1: important to understand, like, lady, what do you really want

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Speaker 1: in value in a relationship? And I think the important

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Speaker 1: thing about this question is what do you want? Not

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Speaker 1: what your family wants for you or what people say

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Speaker 1: you should want. You really sit with yourself, by yourself,

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Speaker 1: and it's just you and you. What are the things

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Speaker 1: that are important to you in a relationship? You know,

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Speaker 1: it could be anything. Is it having children like you said,

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Speaker 1: because that's going to impact how you spend your time

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Speaker 1: in those twenties and thirties. Is it you want to

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Speaker 1: have sex a certain amount of time, like whatever it

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00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:18,920
Speaker 1: might be for you? Is it, you know, being aligned

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Speaker 1: with careers? So I think that getting clear on that

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Speaker 1: first is really important, and really trying not to let

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Speaker 1: societal expectations or family expectations impact your answer, because that'll

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Speaker 1: leads you down a whole other path you don't want

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Speaker 1: to go down if you let that influence you, because

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Speaker 1: you'll be revisiting this later. But I think that when

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Speaker 1: it comes to the signs time, I think one of

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Speaker 1: the ways that you can kind of see that you're

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Speaker 1: settling is when you feel unfulfilled or undervalued. So if

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Speaker 1: you're constantly questioning your worth or feeling like your needs

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Speaker 1: aren't being met, that's a total red flag. And especially

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Speaker 1: when you like over time, especially if you've been in

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Speaker 1: a relationship or a connection for a while and you

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Speaker 1: see patterns, I think those are worth taking a look at.

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Speaker 1: If it's a one time thing and someone had a busy,

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Speaker 1: you know, a super busy or stressful week, and they

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Speaker 1: forgot an important date or something happened, I think that's

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Speaker 1: a little different than if you sit back and you

358
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Speaker 1: start when you start writing shit down, lady, and you

359
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Speaker 1: write those patterns down and you see the pattern it

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Speaker 1: hits a little different.

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Speaker 2: What do you think, Tom, Yeah, I think that is

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Speaker 2: important that like to pay attention to the patterns, right,

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Speaker 2: And if you're seeing behaviors that are not aligned with

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Speaker 2: your values, then yes, that is a problem. If you

365
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Speaker 2: don't feel like you can be your authentic self, so

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Speaker 2: you find that you it's not you sending, it's not

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Speaker 2: necessarily you sending your representative. It's let's say that you

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Speaker 2: like pickleball and I'm picking that because that's like the

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Speaker 2: latest craze that people are into. Not my thing, but okay,

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Speaker 2: and so let's say that that truly is your thing, right,

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Speaker 2: like you've really gotten into it and like you are

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Speaker 2: all in right, like got the outfits and everything. But

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Speaker 2: your partner, this new person or this person that you're dating,

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Speaker 2: has expressed complete disdain for it. If you find yourself

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Speaker 2: hiding your love of pickleball because this person and not

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Speaker 2: letting them know that you are going to play a game,

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Speaker 2: or you abandon playing pickleball altogether because your partner has

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Speaker 2: expressed that they don't like it, that's a sign that

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Speaker 2: you That's one sign that you might be settling right

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Speaker 2: and at a minimum, that you're in an unhealthy dynamic.

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Speaker 2: And I want to be clear that as I'm calling

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Speaker 2: this an unhealthy dynamic, I am not saying that either

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Speaker 2: one of you are bad peaks. What I'm pointing out

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Speaker 2: is that when you are in a healthy relationship, you

385
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Speaker 2: are supposed to be your authentic self, and if your

386
00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:20,040
Speaker 2: authentic self loves pickleball, then your partner needs to know

387
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Speaker 2: that you love pickleball, and.

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Speaker 1: Ideally they're supporting you with that, because don when you said.

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Speaker 1: That made me think about this guy that I know

390
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:31,600
Speaker 1: who like he smokes right, Like he smokes weed, and

391
00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:34,359
Speaker 1: he his wife didn't know, like she would hide it

392
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Speaker 1: from her. He was into he smoked we but he

393
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:39,919
Speaker 1: was also into a lot of other things. And his

394
00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:41,960
Speaker 1: friend group, like we all knew about it and we

395
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:43,840
Speaker 1: would smoke together and stuff like that, but like she

396
00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:45,480
Speaker 1: didn't know, and I was just it would back on

397
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Speaker 1: my mind. I'm like, that's so wild. But like I

398
00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:52,160
Speaker 1: personally feel like you shouldn't be in a relationship where

399
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:53,719
Speaker 1: you can't just let your hair down and be your

400
00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:56,280
Speaker 1: true self because it probably means you're not compatible. And

401
00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:58,600
Speaker 1: I think that in that case, it's either you're settling

402
00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:01,000
Speaker 1: or you're just not compatible with the p right. And

403
00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:02,919
Speaker 1: I think that another thing people tend to do is

404
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:06,160
Speaker 1: they'll get into relationships and because there are certain aspects

405
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:08,920
Speaker 1: of the relationship that benefit them or that work well,

406
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,200
Speaker 1: they're just like, oh, well, I'm just not gonna bring

407
00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:13,399
Speaker 1: this other aspect in. And it's like it's your parade

408
00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:14,600
Speaker 1: that if you want to do that, But are you

409
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:16,840
Speaker 1: truly going to be happy knowing that you have to

410
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:19,240
Speaker 1: hide aspects of yourself and you can't just truly be

411
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Speaker 1: in a relationship, you.

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Speaker 2: Know, yes, And I think the thing is to go

413
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:26,439
Speaker 2: back to your point about like your partner being supportive

414
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:30,160
Speaker 2: of you, that they they don't have to like what

415
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:33,160
Speaker 2: you do, they don't have to want to do with themselves,

416
00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:37,119
Speaker 2: but they are supportive of you. So like the couple

417
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:42,679
Speaker 2: who one partner smoke to weed. Okay, so yeah, I

418
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Speaker 2: might not be a weed smoker, but if as my partner,

419
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:51,040
Speaker 2: that's something that you do. Okay, let's say we got

420
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:53,320
Speaker 2: a rule in our house because of because of whatever

421
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:55,560
Speaker 2: job that I do, because I know, I know people

422
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:58,080
Speaker 2: like them because of their job, because of the drug

423
00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:00,960
Speaker 2: testing that happens in their job, they can be around it.

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Speaker 1: So cool.

425
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Speaker 2: I'm not gonna stop you from doing it, right, but

426
00:26:06,359 --> 00:26:09,520
Speaker 2: we're gonna set some boundaries around all right, You're not

427
00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:11,320
Speaker 2: gonna be able to do it in the house because

428
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:14,439
Speaker 2: like it's gonna impact me, you know, like, so being

429
00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:18,000
Speaker 2: mindful of what that looks like for both of us

430
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:25,359
Speaker 2: exactly and being and be both parties able being able

431
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:31,119
Speaker 2: to have their needs met in this scenario, if you

432
00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:33,760
Speaker 2: are dealing with if it's something different, then that sounds

433
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:39,000
Speaker 2: like it might not be a healthy situation exactly exact.

434
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:41,359
Speaker 2: And I think you know, I think the thing the

435
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:45,480
Speaker 2: other thing that you pointed out of sometimes what lets

436
00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:49,200
Speaker 2: us know that we're settling is if we're taking certain things,

437
00:26:49,240 --> 00:26:53,399
Speaker 2: we're allowing certain things to happen in the relationship that

438
00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:56,520
Speaker 2: are a benefit to us, knowing that there are other

439
00:26:56,560 --> 00:27:00,239
Speaker 2: things that are happening that aren't. And I and I

440
00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:06,120
Speaker 2: know what often happens more like more than we are

441
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:10,760
Speaker 2: than we probably acknowledge, is that there are a number

442
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:15,760
Speaker 2: of couples who are together, they've settled with this person.

443
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:19,719
Speaker 2: They're not happy, but they've settled with being with this

444
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:26,199
Speaker 2: person because of finances. Oh yes, they aren't happy in

445
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:35,080
Speaker 2: their relationship, but cost of living, whether you're in California, Boston,

446
00:27:35,119 --> 00:27:41,280
Speaker 2: New York, Chicago, wherever, like, cost of living is high,

447
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:46,720
Speaker 2: and you all are living together to save money. But

448
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:50,879
Speaker 2: this relationship is not beneficial outside of the saving money.

449
00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:56,439
Speaker 2: This relationship is not beneficial to either of you, but

450
00:27:56,560 --> 00:28:00,160
Speaker 2: you all stay because of the financial situation.

451
00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:02,920
Speaker 1: And I think that goes back to what we shared

452
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:05,679
Speaker 1: earlier down about the bait, Like the starting point for

453
00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:08,440
Speaker 1: this conversation is like what's important to you? What do

454
00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:10,119
Speaker 1: you value, because there are some people where they're like,

455
00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:12,160
Speaker 1: I want to marry a rich person, like I want

456
00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:13,600
Speaker 1: to be with the person on money, and I do

457
00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:15,240
Speaker 1: my own thing on the side. And if that is

458
00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:18,280
Speaker 1: the makeup of your relationships, if that's like, if that's

459
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:20,760
Speaker 1: how you want to, you know, navigate your relationship, it's

460
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:23,119
Speaker 1: your prerogative. But we're just having the conversation on like

461
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:25,440
Speaker 1: things to be aware of, right. And I don't know

462
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:27,119
Speaker 1: about you, but I want to be fully myself in

463
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:29,359
Speaker 1: my relationship and I want to be happy and I

464
00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:31,119
Speaker 1: don't want to have to hide aspects of myself. But

465
00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:33,320
Speaker 1: that's just me, right, And so I think the second

466
00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:35,119
Speaker 1: thing to focus on when it comes to are you

467
00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:39,480
Speaker 1: settling is are your goals, values and vision in alignment

468
00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:41,840
Speaker 1: with your partners, right, because it's hard to build something

469
00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:44,400
Speaker 1: real if you're not moving in the same direction. And

470
00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:46,400
Speaker 1: dom This makes me think about years ago when I

471
00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:48,800
Speaker 1: was in grad school and I think this guy was

472
00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:51,680
Speaker 1: like he was he The vibe he gave off was

473
00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:53,160
Speaker 1: that he was looking for a wife and he was

474
00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:56,680
Speaker 1: very a very religious guy. And I remember him coming

475
00:28:56,720 --> 00:28:58,959
Speaker 1: to me. I guess I was a potential, you know,

476
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:01,960
Speaker 1: my prospect yes, a potential candidate. And so he asked

477
00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:03,480
Speaker 1: me a question and I was very honest with him.

478
00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:06,560
Speaker 1: He was like, are you like really into church, Like

479
00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:08,000
Speaker 1: are you like really you know what I mean, like

480
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:09,600
Speaker 1: trying to see like are you really into this? Cause

481
00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:10,760
Speaker 1: I don't know if he wants to be a pastor

482
00:29:10,840 --> 00:29:12,760
Speaker 1: or something. And I let him know. I said, sir,

483
00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:14,840
Speaker 1: I am not the one because I like to do

484
00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:17,520
Speaker 1: ractcess shit. I didn't tell him this, but I'm thinking, like,

485
00:29:17,560 --> 00:29:19,080
Speaker 1: I'm not the one, and I'm not going to pretend

486
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:21,520
Speaker 1: to be this woman that you want me to be

487
00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:24,720
Speaker 1: because that's not me. Like, I'm no will I will

488
00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:26,720
Speaker 1: do the professional thing, but I will also be doing

489
00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:28,400
Speaker 1: rats shit, and I know that's probably not going to

490
00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:30,360
Speaker 1: be in alignment with what you want. So I'm just

491
00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:32,360
Speaker 1: gonna let you know right now. So we don't even

492
00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:34,080
Speaker 1: get into a place where we're connected and then we

493
00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:35,760
Speaker 1: got to figure out what we're going to do because

494
00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:37,000
Speaker 1: we're not in alignment.

495
00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:44,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think that that's important, and particularly like

496
00:29:46,120 --> 00:29:51,920
Speaker 2: the values piece, right, because on one hand, we can

497
00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:57,120
Speaker 2: have goals like I've I've had points where you know,

498
00:29:57,440 --> 00:30:05,320
Speaker 2: I've seen in the literature, research, actual life experience this

499
00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:11,320
Speaker 2: notion that when you're starting to date, ask your partner, Okay,

500
00:30:11,440 --> 00:30:16,720
Speaker 2: what's their five year plan? What's their ten year plan? Right?

501
00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:21,360
Speaker 2: I know life is going life, okay, and that you

502
00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:23,760
Speaker 2: know that phrase the best to tell God your best

503
00:30:23,840 --> 00:30:26,400
Speaker 2: laid plans, and he'll laugh in your face. Like, So,

504
00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:33,560
Speaker 2: while it is important to have plans, right, to me,

505
00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:37,720
Speaker 2: what's more important in the relation in building a relationship

506
00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:43,880
Speaker 2: and determining whether or not this person is potentially a

507
00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:50,600
Speaker 2: lifelong partner for you? Do your values aligne That's a

508
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:53,720
Speaker 2: good point, right, because I could say, you know what,

509
00:30:55,360 --> 00:31:00,680
Speaker 2: in the next five years, I plan to be as

510
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:09,080
Speaker 2: Riches Bill Gates and live in the Fiji Islands. Like,

511
00:31:09,320 --> 00:31:13,000
Speaker 2: that's my plan for the next five years, right, And

512
00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:17,160
Speaker 2: I'm intentionally exaggerating just for the purpose of this story.

513
00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:23,440
Speaker 2: And I meet a guy who says, you know what,

514
00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:31,560
Speaker 2: my plan is to also be as Riches Bill Gates

515
00:31:32,080 --> 00:31:37,120
Speaker 2: and live in the Fiji Islands in the next five years. Okay,

516
00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:42,480
Speaker 2: that's great. We are perfectly aligned in this goal. How

517
00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:45,120
Speaker 2: are we achieving this goal? And that's where your values

518
00:31:45,160 --> 00:31:51,400
Speaker 2: come in. If his values say that he's gonna get

519
00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:54,600
Speaker 2: it by any means necessary, meaning that he may be

520
00:31:54,720 --> 00:32:03,320
Speaker 2: engaging in illegal activity girl, like white crimes. Even though

521
00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:06,080
Speaker 2: our goals are aligned, our values are not, because I

522
00:32:06,200 --> 00:32:08,320
Speaker 2: be damned, I'm not doing no white collar crimes for you,

523
00:32:08,440 --> 00:32:14,719
Speaker 2: gro like, and so I got too much to lose.

524
00:32:15,080 --> 00:32:18,840
Speaker 2: So that's what I mean about. Like, I'm giving that

525
00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:22,200
Speaker 2: this exaggerated example, but I want us to understand that

526
00:32:23,560 --> 00:32:27,040
Speaker 2: you can have similar goals, but if your values are aligned,

527
00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:29,360
Speaker 2: it's still not going to work out for you.

528
00:32:29,480 --> 00:32:29,800
Speaker 3: Girl.

529
00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:34,880
Speaker 2: What ultimately matters is that your values are aligned.

530
00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:39,320
Speaker 1: Yes, down, that is spot on, girl, because I literally

531
00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:42,000
Speaker 1: I have a situation where a friend they had the

532
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:44,560
Speaker 1: same goals, right, and if I had the same goals,

533
00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:47,440
Speaker 1: but he was like just he was a cheater. He

534
00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:49,880
Speaker 1: just cheated on every like any way he could cheat

535
00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:53,320
Speaker 1: taxes like, he was just cheating on all kinds of things.

536
00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:54,959
Speaker 1: And at the end of the day, that can get

537
00:32:55,000 --> 00:32:57,720
Speaker 1: y'all both arrested you and not marrying this person. And

538
00:32:57,760 --> 00:33:00,360
Speaker 1: he's doing this shit, this illegal shit, that's get you

539
00:33:00,440 --> 00:33:02,120
Speaker 1: caught up. Even though your goals are the same and

540
00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:05,400
Speaker 1: things look good on paper, what are their values and character? Like,

541
00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:09,040
Speaker 1: So I'm so glad you brought that up. Listen. Okay, y'all.

542
00:33:09,040 --> 00:33:11,160
Speaker 1: So the next tip here to know if you're settling

543
00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:15,200
Speaker 1: is asking yourself. Are you staying because of fear?

544
00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:15,960
Speaker 2: Right?

545
00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:18,800
Speaker 1: Is it the fear of being alone, the fear of

546
00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:21,320
Speaker 1: starting over, Oh lord, I hear that one a lot,

547
00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:24,920
Speaker 1: or the fear of judgment from others. If fear is

548
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:27,760
Speaker 1: driving the relationship, then it's not love dom. Why cannot

549
00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:30,040
Speaker 1: tell you how many times I've heard friends say I'm

550
00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:31,640
Speaker 1: just gonna stay because I don't want to be out

551
00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:33,880
Speaker 1: in these dating streets again, Like I'm just gonna try

552
00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:35,520
Speaker 1: to make it work, even though you know, look at

553
00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:38,280
Speaker 1: your face, even though you know, like this is not

554
00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:40,240
Speaker 1: gonna work. And I honestly feel like if we really

555
00:33:40,280 --> 00:33:42,920
Speaker 1: sit with ourselves and we're honest, I feel like we

556
00:33:43,040 --> 00:33:47,840
Speaker 1: often know where we like, is this relationship for me?

557
00:33:48,720 --> 00:33:50,160
Speaker 1: Because if you have to think about it, if you

558
00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:54,640
Speaker 1: have to ask, ask multiple people, you know, you know

559
00:33:54,720 --> 00:33:56,720
Speaker 1: you just want some validation, you know what I mean?

560
00:33:56,760 --> 00:34:02,240
Speaker 2: Come on, I know people who are married that are

561
00:34:02,320 --> 00:34:08,000
Speaker 2: in unhealthy relationships but they are afraid of. One of

562
00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:12,640
Speaker 2: the reasons that they are afraid of leaving that marriage

563
00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:21,200
Speaker 2: is having a fear of other people judging them. For leaving. Yeah, right,

564
00:34:21,239 --> 00:34:24,200
Speaker 2: because it's the assumption that you're supposed to when you

565
00:34:24,280 --> 00:34:26,560
Speaker 2: make this val, you're supposed to it's till death do

566
00:34:26,719 --> 00:34:33,000
Speaker 2: you part, right, And so they are dealing with a

567
00:34:33,040 --> 00:34:38,200
Speaker 2: lot of unhealthy dynamics for the sake of maintaining a

568
00:34:38,239 --> 00:34:40,359
Speaker 2: marriage because they're afraid of what other people are going

569
00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:41,280
Speaker 2: to say.

570
00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:42,880
Speaker 1: Yeah.

571
00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:48,319
Speaker 2: Also all it's also combined with probably a fear of

572
00:34:48,360 --> 00:34:55,840
Speaker 2: being alone, a fear of starting over, maybe shame, Yeah,

573
00:34:56,560 --> 00:35:00,400
Speaker 2: that the relationship didn't work out. I'm not gonna go

574
00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:04,399
Speaker 2: on my tangent about people staying in a relationship because

575
00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:05,840
Speaker 2: of kids. I'm gonna say we need to have a

576
00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:10,360
Speaker 2: whole other episode on that. The damage that does, say everybody,

577
00:35:10,440 --> 00:35:14,000
Speaker 2: But there's when, Yeah, when you are staying in a

578
00:35:14,080 --> 00:35:22,360
Speaker 2: relationship out of fear of something or multiple somethings, that

579
00:35:22,719 --> 00:35:26,399
Speaker 2: that is settling. That's not love. That's not love for you,

580
00:35:26,520 --> 00:35:29,960
Speaker 2: that's not love for the other person. That's settling.

581
00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:33,640
Speaker 1: It's hard, Like, let's just acknowledge it is very hard

582
00:35:33,680 --> 00:35:37,080
Speaker 1: to someone who was in a twelve year relationship who

583
00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:42,200
Speaker 1: is now divorced, that journey has it was a very

584
00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:45,879
Speaker 1: challenging journey to go through right, and lady like, if

585
00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:48,600
Speaker 1: you just to let you know, like on the other side,

586
00:35:48,719 --> 00:35:52,480
Speaker 1: there is peace and joy and there can be you know,

587
00:35:52,480 --> 00:35:54,880
Speaker 1: the life you desire. And I just think that life

588
00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:58,440
Speaker 1: is too precious and too short, and it's finite to

589
00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:01,080
Speaker 1: just be living a life because of what other people

590
00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:03,400
Speaker 1: might think when I tell you that, despite you know,

591
00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:05,360
Speaker 1: my experiences and what I've been through, I am so

592
00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:08,520
Speaker 1: happy and I feel so aligned with my true self.

593
00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:12,320
Speaker 1: Lady Like, it may be a process, but I encourage

594
00:36:12,320 --> 00:36:14,600
Speaker 1: you to really go within yourself to understand, like do

595
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:16,680
Speaker 1: I need to be in this relationship or do I

596
00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:19,880
Speaker 1: need to make a plan to leave, you know, safely?

597
00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:22,640
Speaker 1: Of course, because there is hope on the other side,

598
00:36:22,640 --> 00:36:25,239
Speaker 1: and people do it every day, right, People survive and

599
00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:28,520
Speaker 1: get to the other side every day. Yeah, all right,

600
00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:30,840
Speaker 1: shall we jump into our five. I think this is

601
00:36:30,880 --> 00:36:35,000
Speaker 1: our final tip for sign of Yeah, yeah, let's get

602
00:36:35,040 --> 00:36:39,640
Speaker 1: into it. So are you compromising your happiness or authenticity?

603
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:42,040
Speaker 1: So if you feel like you're shrinking yourself to make

604
00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:44,040
Speaker 1: someone else comfortable, we kind of talked about that before.

605
00:36:44,800 --> 00:36:47,960
Speaker 1: That's subtly if you can't be your true self, if

606
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:52,440
Speaker 1: you find that, yeah, you just can't be you, it's

607
00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:54,120
Speaker 1: that's not where it's at.

608
00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:58,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think awesome times. You know, Yes, earlier

609
00:36:58,200 --> 00:37:04,960
Speaker 2: I gave the pickleball example, but oftentimes it may feel

610
00:37:06,160 --> 00:37:10,719
Speaker 2: like something smaller than that, right that we might and

611
00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:13,120
Speaker 2: we might ignore. We're more likely to ignore it because

612
00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:19,040
Speaker 2: it's something smaller. But those small things add up. So

613
00:37:20,719 --> 00:37:23,080
Speaker 2: personal example that I talk about all times is the

614
00:37:23,080 --> 00:37:26,280
Speaker 2: importance of my sleep and my bedtime, having a nighttime routine.

615
00:37:26,560 --> 00:37:31,920
Speaker 2: Right if and I recognize that as a single woman

616
00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:36,399
Speaker 2: living by myself, there are certain routines that I have

617
00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:41,120
Speaker 2: that work because I'm living alone, and I know that

618
00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:46,520
Speaker 2: when I do have a partner in the home, that's

619
00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:50,239
Speaker 2: some of those things are gonna look different. Right But

620
00:37:51,640 --> 00:37:57,000
Speaker 2: if I'm in a space where I am changing my

621
00:37:57,200 --> 00:38:00,480
Speaker 2: routine to the point that I'm eliminating thing things that

622
00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:04,840
Speaker 2: I know are important, that's a sign that I'm settling.

623
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:07,200
Speaker 1: Or they're forcing you to do that, right like you

624
00:38:07,200 --> 00:38:09,560
Speaker 1: ever I have a partner with a part well, can

625
00:38:09,600 --> 00:38:11,400
Speaker 1: you just not do that thing? And can you do

626
00:38:11,520 --> 00:38:13,600
Speaker 1: like you have your bedtime? Can you just stay up

627
00:38:13,600 --> 00:38:15,879
Speaker 1: with me? And it's like you're infringing on the thing

628
00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:17,920
Speaker 1: that's important to me consistently, and it's like, you don't

629
00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:20,319
Speaker 1: give a fuck about what I got going on. That's

630
00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:21,000
Speaker 1: a problem.

631
00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:23,319
Speaker 2: That is a problem. Yes, And I like what you

632
00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:27,359
Speaker 2: pointed out. They consistently do it, yes, because there are

633
00:38:27,480 --> 00:38:31,840
Speaker 2: always rooms for exceptions and certain seasons where things aren't

634
00:38:31,880 --> 00:38:36,239
Speaker 2: going their norm. And but if this is an if

635
00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:39,280
Speaker 2: this is becoming the new norm, it's a problem.

636
00:38:39,840 --> 00:38:42,960
Speaker 1: Oh yes, So lady, we're going to jump into how

637
00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:44,960
Speaker 1: to build something real, But before we get into that,

638
00:38:44,960 --> 00:38:47,400
Speaker 1: we just want to reemphasize the cost of settling.

639
00:38:47,480 --> 00:38:47,640
Speaker 2: Right.

640
00:38:47,680 --> 00:38:51,040
Speaker 1: So, staying in a relationship that doesn't nurture us can

641
00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:54,480
Speaker 1: take a huge toll on you emotionally and mentally, and

642
00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:56,520
Speaker 1: it can really drain your energy and chip away at

643
00:38:56,560 --> 00:38:59,359
Speaker 1: your confidence and also keep us from experiencing the kind

644
00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:02,719
Speaker 1: of love we deserve. Life is already challenging, We've got

645
00:39:02,719 --> 00:39:04,640
Speaker 1: so much going on in the world. The last place

646
00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:07,000
Speaker 1: we need to feel like we can't be ourselves it's

647
00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:08,279
Speaker 1: our relationships, right.

648
00:39:11,080 --> 00:39:13,920
Speaker 2: And so when we think about what it looks like

649
00:39:14,680 --> 00:39:24,160
Speaker 2: to build something healthy, something real, where love truly exists,

650
00:39:25,760 --> 00:39:30,400
Speaker 2: it starts with your foundation, right. And so when you

651
00:39:30,560 --> 00:39:37,240
Speaker 2: think about what is the foundation of a healthy relationship.

652
00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:44,800
Speaker 2: It's about effective communication, shared values which we talked about before,

653
00:39:46,520 --> 00:39:52,920
Speaker 2: mutual respect, and a commitment to growth right. It's recognizing

654
00:39:53,080 --> 00:39:59,080
Speaker 2: that who we are when we meet today is not

655
00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:02,760
Speaker 2: going to be the person that we are five years

656
00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:08,239
Speaker 2: from now, hell even one year from now, And it's

657
00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:15,640
Speaker 2: about both parties being committed to that growth right and

658
00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:21,839
Speaker 2: recognizing that it's constant checking in there's a level of

659
00:40:23,480 --> 00:40:28,040
Speaker 2: emotional intimacy. And the thing that I want to stress

660
00:40:28,080 --> 00:40:31,759
Speaker 2: with that is that emotional intimacy and vulnerability don't happen

661
00:40:31,840 --> 00:40:39,359
Speaker 2: right away. They are not automatic. It takes time and

662
00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:48,160
Speaker 2: energy to build to a point where there is emotional

663
00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:55,600
Speaker 2: safety and trust before both parties are truly in the

664
00:40:55,640 --> 00:41:01,480
Speaker 2: place of having emotional intimacy and vulnerability. And I think

665
00:41:01,480 --> 00:41:04,040
Speaker 2: it's important to keep in mind as you're laying this

666
00:41:04,160 --> 00:41:09,600
Speaker 2: foundation that it's that you have to ask questions and

667
00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:13,759
Speaker 2: really get to know the person, because if you're if

668
00:41:15,000 --> 00:41:19,000
Speaker 2: someone is coming into a new relationship with childhood trauma

669
00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:27,120
Speaker 2: or relationship trauma, that emotional safety and trust is truly

670
00:41:27,200 --> 00:41:31,080
Speaker 2: going to take a lot of intentionality and time. But

671
00:41:31,120 --> 00:41:34,640
Speaker 2: if you don't know about that going into it, that

672
00:41:34,680 --> 00:41:40,200
Speaker 2: could lead to a lot of miscommunication and unrealistic expectations.

673
00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:45,160
Speaker 2: And I'm not saying I'm not saying that we need

674
00:41:45,200 --> 00:41:49,200
Speaker 2: to like share our traumas in the first first date,

675
00:41:49,400 --> 00:41:55,600
Speaker 2: first phone call. But it may be that you let

676
00:41:55,600 --> 00:41:58,399
Speaker 2: the person know that, hey, this is where I'm coming from,

677
00:41:58,440 --> 00:42:02,280
Speaker 2: that it takes time to build emotional safety and trust

678
00:42:02,320 --> 00:42:06,080
Speaker 2: within a relationship. And along the way, I will share

679
00:42:06,160 --> 00:42:10,160
Speaker 2: things that are boundaries for me. I want you to

680
00:42:10,200 --> 00:42:17,120
Speaker 2: share boundaries that you have and we build together.

681
00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:21,520
Speaker 1: That is so so important, dom and it makes me

682
00:42:21,640 --> 00:42:25,200
Speaker 1: think about a couple of things. One is that we

683
00:42:25,280 --> 00:42:29,799
Speaker 1: can't build something real by ourselves. And day I'm gonna

684
00:42:29,800 --> 00:42:31,399
Speaker 1: say that one sign put people in the back. Okay,

685
00:42:31,920 --> 00:42:35,520
Speaker 1: we cannot build something real by ourselves. I have seen

686
00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:38,719
Speaker 1: so many women and like friends I talked to who

687
00:42:38,840 --> 00:42:41,879
Speaker 1: they literally like keep the relationship going, you know, whether

688
00:42:41,880 --> 00:42:44,920
Speaker 1: they're paying for everything or they're organizing everything. And the

689
00:42:45,040 --> 00:42:48,839
Speaker 1: guys just there. These are heterosexual relationships. The guys just there.

690
00:42:48,840 --> 00:42:51,040
Speaker 1: I don't know what the hell he's doing. He's taking

691
00:42:51,120 --> 00:42:53,919
Speaker 1: up space and it feels like she has multiple kids,

692
00:42:53,920 --> 00:42:55,319
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, taking care of him as well.

693
00:42:55,480 --> 00:42:58,440
Speaker 1: So both people have to be committed to growing together,

694
00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:01,160
Speaker 1: and that means showing up in the effort and also

695
00:43:01,239 --> 00:43:03,759
Speaker 1: being willing to work through challenges as a team. And

696
00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:06,520
Speaker 1: one thing my past used to say years ago, he

697
00:43:06,600 --> 00:43:10,240
Speaker 1: used to use this analogy and say, you can't expect

698
00:43:10,360 --> 00:43:14,919
Speaker 1: something from someone's shelf if it's not on the shelf,

699
00:43:15,000 --> 00:43:18,480
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. So I think that if

700
00:43:19,280 --> 00:43:21,080
Speaker 1: let's it's like literally, if you go to the store, right,

701
00:43:21,120 --> 00:43:23,439
Speaker 1: if you go to AutoZone and you're looking to buy

702
00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:25,640
Speaker 1: a birthday cake, it's just not going to be there.

703
00:43:26,160 --> 00:43:27,880
Speaker 2: And so if someone you know what I mean. So

704
00:43:27,960 --> 00:43:30,799
Speaker 2: if someone yes, exactly, and I know, I know, lady,

705
00:43:30,840 --> 00:43:32,759
Speaker 2: if you're watching us on video, I rolled my eyes

706
00:43:32,800 --> 00:43:35,600
Speaker 2: because I was like, dull, but I have to paull.

707
00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:40,320
Speaker 2: I recognized that was my initial reaction. But like, but

708
00:43:40,560 --> 00:43:43,799
Speaker 2: for some people, what I'm looking at is well done.

709
00:43:43,840 --> 00:43:47,840
Speaker 2: That's a common sense thing that might not be common

710
00:43:47,960 --> 00:43:48,520
Speaker 2: for everyone.

711
00:43:49,520 --> 00:43:53,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I think that when you think about you know,

712
00:43:54,120 --> 00:43:56,319
Speaker 1: I'm trying to think of a certain relationship. So there

713
00:43:56,360 --> 00:43:58,839
Speaker 1: have been situations where, like you talk, you talked about

714
00:43:58,880 --> 00:44:02,960
Speaker 1: childhood trauma, someone has this childhood trauma. We you know,

715
00:44:03,120 --> 00:44:05,160
Speaker 1: have a conversation, and there are certain things that they've

716
00:44:05,200 --> 00:44:07,279
Speaker 1: shared like, this is where I am in a life right,

717
00:44:07,400 --> 00:44:11,320
Speaker 1: So maybe the communication, good communication, positive communication is not

718
00:44:11,440 --> 00:44:14,040
Speaker 1: on their shelf. If you're coming to them and expecting

719
00:44:14,080 --> 00:44:15,400
Speaker 1: them to show up in a certain way and have

720
00:44:15,480 --> 00:44:17,839
Speaker 1: this communication skill and it's literally just not on the shelf,

721
00:44:17,840 --> 00:44:20,960
Speaker 1: but does not exist in this store, You're going to

722
00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:23,560
Speaker 1: always have an issue, especially if they're not doing the work,

723
00:44:23,600 --> 00:44:26,120
Speaker 1: they don't have a plan in place with their therapist

724
00:44:26,320 --> 00:44:29,600
Speaker 1: or with some you know, someone who's offering guidance to

725
00:44:29,760 --> 00:44:32,160
Speaker 1: work on that. You're always going to find yourself with

726
00:44:32,280 --> 00:44:35,080
Speaker 1: an issue because they don't have the capacity because it

727
00:44:35,120 --> 00:44:37,080
Speaker 1: ain't there. You're not going to find a birthday cake

728
00:44:37,400 --> 00:44:39,239
Speaker 1: at AutoZone, you know what I mean. No, So I

729
00:44:39,360 --> 00:44:41,440
Speaker 1: know that's really important for us to remember as well,

730
00:44:41,640 --> 00:44:44,759
Speaker 1: like when it comes to expectations and what's realistic, Like

731
00:44:44,840 --> 00:44:47,040
Speaker 1: we gotta we gotta be real with ourselves and I'm

732
00:44:47,040 --> 00:44:49,680
Speaker 1: saying this to me, and we can't be delulu okay,

733
00:44:50,239 --> 00:44:53,480
Speaker 1: nope and be expecting things that just don't make sense.

734
00:44:54,800 --> 00:44:57,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I agree. And so I think that when

735
00:44:57,280 --> 00:45:02,879
Speaker 2: we think about shifting from or making sure that we're

736
00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:08,240
Speaker 2: building a healthy foundation, making sure that we are moving

737
00:45:08,320 --> 00:45:16,200
Speaker 2: in a space of healthy engagement with people. I think

738
00:45:16,280 --> 00:45:22,120
Speaker 2: the other thing to keep in mind is that you

739
00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:26,520
Speaker 2: have to know yourself first, right, And we talked about authenticity, right,

740
00:45:27,440 --> 00:45:32,680
Speaker 2: but it's about knowing what your non negotiables are, yes,

741
00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:39,800
Speaker 2: knowing what you are willing to negotiate, and communicating that

742
00:45:40,200 --> 00:45:45,600
Speaker 2: with your partner, and knowing and trusting that if the

743
00:45:45,760 --> 00:45:53,560
Speaker 2: person that you are with violates your non negotiables, it's

744
00:45:53,640 --> 00:46:01,240
Speaker 2: time to go, right, and that fear of being alone.

745
00:46:02,520 --> 00:46:04,520
Speaker 2: One thing that we haven't stated that I think it's

746
00:46:04,560 --> 00:46:09,239
Speaker 2: important to recognize is that when you're in unhealthy or

747
00:46:09,440 --> 00:46:14,760
Speaker 2: unsafe relationships, there's a huge feeling of loneliness there. True,

748
00:46:15,880 --> 00:46:18,200
Speaker 2: and so if you find that you are in a

749
00:46:18,320 --> 00:46:26,400
Speaker 2: relationship where you feel lonely, that's a huge sign that

750
00:46:26,560 --> 00:46:27,880
Speaker 2: it may be time to go.

751
00:46:29,440 --> 00:46:31,520
Speaker 1: And don you're spotting With that, I learned to add

752
00:46:31,560 --> 00:46:34,160
Speaker 1: one more thing and say, lady, you're gonna have difficult

753
00:46:34,239 --> 00:46:36,680
Speaker 1: times and relationships, right, it happens. But I think one

754
00:46:36,680 --> 00:46:39,239
Speaker 1: of the most important things to ask yourself and I

755
00:46:39,400 --> 00:46:41,680
Speaker 1: love to write things down because sometimes we can gasif

756
00:46:41,680 --> 00:46:43,360
Speaker 1: at ourselves. So I think that writing it down so

757
00:46:43,440 --> 00:46:46,080
Speaker 1: you can see it there on paper and really visualize

758
00:46:46,120 --> 00:46:49,040
Speaker 1: the patterns. Is important. Ask yourself, how do I feel

759
00:46:49,120 --> 00:46:52,319
Speaker 1: in this relationship? Most of the time. There have been

760
00:46:52,360 --> 00:46:55,239
Speaker 1: situations where you know, I've been in a connection with

761
00:46:55,360 --> 00:46:58,040
Speaker 1: someone and the good times they're good, and don't let

762
00:46:58,120 --> 00:46:59,640
Speaker 1: the sex be good, y'all, because then it's a whole

763
00:46:59,680 --> 00:47:02,319
Speaker 1: other situation. Right, it's good. But then when you start

764
00:47:02,360 --> 00:47:05,160
Speaker 1: looking at the pattern and you're like, well, yeah, the

765
00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:07,839
Speaker 1: good times are good, the sex is good, but most

766
00:47:07,880 --> 00:47:09,920
Speaker 1: of the time I'm feeling disconnected. Most of the time,

767
00:47:09,920 --> 00:47:12,680
Speaker 1: I'm not feeling supportive, or I'm feeling unseen. Then we

768
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:14,640
Speaker 1: have to ask ourselves some of those hard questions to

769
00:47:14,719 --> 00:47:17,400
Speaker 1: really figure out where does this relationship fit you know

770
00:47:17,440 --> 00:47:18,920
Speaker 1: what I mean? And is it time for me to

771
00:47:19,040 --> 00:47:22,200
Speaker 1: move on and embrace being with myself so I can

772
00:47:22,280 --> 00:47:26,200
Speaker 1: build the life and the love that I desire and deserve.

773
00:47:27,200 --> 00:47:32,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I agree. All right, So, lady, we have

774
00:47:32,719 --> 00:47:37,600
Speaker 2: talked a lot today about how to know when you're settling,

775
00:47:38,440 --> 00:47:44,080
Speaker 2: how to distinguish between love versus loneliness, how to distinguish

776
00:47:44,160 --> 00:47:51,720
Speaker 2: between being alone and loneliness, and we have seven tips

777
00:47:52,280 --> 00:47:56,840
Speaker 2: for how you can navigate this love versus loneliness, But

778
00:47:56,960 --> 00:47:59,920
Speaker 2: to get those seven tips, you have to join us

779
00:48:00,239 --> 00:48:04,520
Speaker 2: in the after show. So, lady, go to Herspace podcast

780
00:48:04,600 --> 00:48:09,080
Speaker 2: dot com click Wisdom Wednesdays and it will take you

781
00:48:09,200 --> 00:48:14,200
Speaker 2: to our Patreon account where you can sign up, subscribe,

782
00:48:14,280 --> 00:48:18,560
Speaker 2: and get access to all of our after shows. So

783
00:48:18,800 --> 00:48:23,440
Speaker 2: join us for seven tips for navigating love and loneliness.

784
00:48:24,120 --> 00:48:26,279
Speaker 1: That's right, lady, they're gonna be juicy tips, so make

785
00:48:26,280 --> 00:48:28,280
Speaker 1: sure you head on over to the website. And lady, also,

786
00:48:28,760 --> 00:48:31,719
Speaker 1: if you can, head on over to Apple Podcasts and

787
00:48:32,040 --> 00:48:34,799
Speaker 1: rate the podcast and leave a review. Our reviews are

788
00:48:34,880 --> 00:48:37,200
Speaker 1: looking kind of lonely, and you know that as creatives,

789
00:48:37,400 --> 00:48:40,200
Speaker 1: feedback is our love language. So if anything has come

790
00:48:40,280 --> 00:48:42,120
Speaker 1: up for you in this episode, you like the content,

791
00:48:42,680 --> 00:48:44,719
Speaker 1: let us know. We don't know because you get to

792
00:48:44,760 --> 00:48:46,120
Speaker 1: hear from us, but we don't always get to hear

793
00:48:46,160 --> 00:48:48,719
Speaker 1: from you, So head on over to Apple podcast leave

794
00:48:48,760 --> 00:48:50,719
Speaker 1: us a review. The last review we see here is

795
00:48:50,760 --> 00:48:53,719
Speaker 1: from November thirteenth, and we're recordings in January of twenty

796
00:48:53,760 --> 00:48:56,000
Speaker 1: twenty five. Okay, so go show some love, lady, and

797
00:48:56,040 --> 00:48:59,279
Speaker 1: we're going to see you in the after show. If

798
00:48:59,280 --> 00:49:02,720
Speaker 1: you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your next steps.

799
00:49:03,200 --> 00:49:06,719
Speaker 1: This is for you. Hey, Lady, is Tea here and

800
00:49:06,760 --> 00:49:08,719
Speaker 1: I just want to invite you to my free goal

801
00:49:08,800 --> 00:49:11,560
Speaker 1: map like a pro coaching workshop, where I'll share the

802
00:49:11,680 --> 00:49:15,320
Speaker 1: five proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals.

803
00:49:15,719 --> 00:49:20,160
Speaker 1: Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas,

804
00:49:20,480 --> 00:49:23,680
Speaker 1: or maybe you just need confidence to start, this workshop

805
00:49:23,719 --> 00:49:26,800
Speaker 1: will give you the clarity, tools and the motivation to

806
00:49:26,960 --> 00:49:30,440
Speaker 1: take back control. Reserve your spot for free by visiting

807
00:49:30,600 --> 00:49:34,680
Speaker 1: her spacepodcast dot com and clicking on the goal map

808
00:49:34,840 --> 00:49:37,680
Speaker 1: like a pro webinar link. Lady, don't miss this chance

809
00:49:37,719 --> 00:49:39,680
Speaker 1: to build a roadmap that fits your life and set

810
00:49:39,760 --> 00:49:41,839
Speaker 1: you up for success. I hope to see you there.

811
00:49:46,000 --> 00:49:50,000
Speaker 2: Thanks for tuning into cultivating her Space. Remember that while

812
00:49:50,080 --> 00:49:54,839
Speaker 2: this podcast is all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's

813
00:49:54,960 --> 00:49:58,800
Speaker 2: not a substitute for therapy. If you are someone you

814
00:49:58,960 --> 00:50:02,959
Speaker 2: know needs support, check out resources like Therapy for Black

815
00:50:03,040 --> 00:50:07,640
Speaker 2: Girls or Psychology Today. If you love today's episode, do

816
00:50:07,800 --> 00:50:09,759
Speaker 2: us a favor and share it with a friend who

817
00:50:09,800 --> 00:50:14,280
Speaker 2: needs some inspiration, or leave us a quick five star review.

818
00:50:15,000 --> 00:50:17,919
Speaker 2: Your support means the world to us and helps keep

819
00:50:18,040 --> 00:50:19,759
Speaker 2: this space thriving, and.

820
00:50:19,840 --> 00:50:23,880
Speaker 1: Before we meet again, repeat after me. I am the

821
00:50:24,200 --> 00:50:30,240
Speaker 1: architect of my destiny, shaping every moment with purpose and passion.

822
00:50:31,239 --> 00:50:34,319
Speaker 1: Keep thriving, lady, and tune in next Friday for more

823
00:50:34,440 --> 00:50:39,000
Speaker 1: inspiration from cultivating her space. In the meantime, be sure

824
00:50:39,040 --> 00:50:42,560
Speaker 1: to connect with us on Instagram at her Space Podcast