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Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, Hi, Chelsea, Hi, what are we doing. We're

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Speaker 1: doing a minnisode today. Today's welcome to our minisode.

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Speaker 2: Yes, we have a follow up actually from our Heather

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Speaker 2: McMahon episode. This is Carly and she had that friend

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Speaker 2: who was dating sort of like a Maga Yokul guy

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Speaker 2: who wanted her barefoot and pregnant and was like already

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Speaker 2: talking about the prenup.

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Speaker 1: Do you remember this one?

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Speaker 3: I do, yeah, saying that I remember, but I do

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Speaker 3: once there's enough specifics we remember, so she says, Dear Chelsea,

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Speaker 3: I wish I was writing in with a better update.

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Speaker 2: My friends and I tried our best to get h

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Speaker 2: to leave her boyfriend. We promised her that she wasn't stuck,

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Speaker 2: that we were always there for her, and that she

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Speaker 2: didn't have to settle. This always came after she had

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Speaker 2: a couple drinks and told us how unhappy she was

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Speaker 2: with him. Well, despite all this, they got engaged last night.

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Speaker 2: I kept it together during the phone call, but immediately

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Speaker 2: broke down. After She's throwing her life away to move

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Speaker 2: to Alabama just to pop out babies for the rest

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Speaker 2: of her life. I'm so sad for her. All that

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Speaker 2: being said, I'm now on bridesmaid duty. Oh how do

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Speaker 2: I keep it together?

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Speaker 1: No? No, yes, you know the question. How am I

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Speaker 1: supposed to be happy for her?

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Speaker 2: She's generally so happy and I want to be, but

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Speaker 2: it doesn't come naturally.

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Speaker 4: I just think you have to say, I can't support

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Speaker 4: this marriage. Honestly, if someone like that, who's basically telling

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Speaker 4: her or not that you can't work, I mean, she's

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Speaker 4: giving her life away to some man. And in this

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Speaker 4: day and age, when you make a decision, when I

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Speaker 4: make a decision, I consider all women.

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Speaker 1: Like I am making a decision on behalf of all women.

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Speaker 4: Most often when it's something like related to men, or

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Speaker 4: it's related to work, or it's related how I'm going

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Speaker 4: to stand up for myself. It's always about what would

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Speaker 4: you know, thinking about all the other women, And that's

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Speaker 4: just ridiculous.

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Speaker 1: You're throwing yourself away.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, basically in Alabama, no less with a guy that

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Speaker 4: doesn't think you're supposed to work for a living. So

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Speaker 4: I would I would like, if there's any way to

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Speaker 4: put your foot down, this is it. I mean, if

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Speaker 4: if there were any time, this is it that I

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Speaker 4: can't be it.

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Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. I love you.

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Speaker 4: So much, but this is breaking my heart and I

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Speaker 4: cannot be involved in this wedding. You are making the

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Speaker 4: wrong decision right now?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, how would you even go to the wedding?

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Speaker 4: No, right, I wouldn't. That friendship is over, she's gone.

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Speaker 4: She's gone, she's going to move to Alabama, and she's

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Speaker 4: not going to be allowed to talk to her friends

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Speaker 4: after that.

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Speaker 1: So what's the point.

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Speaker 2: Men they're that controlling often are like, well, no, you

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Speaker 2: can't talk to these friends. I had one friend who,

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Speaker 2: like her controlling husband, cut her off from like her

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Speaker 2: two gay best friends because they introduced her to her

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Speaker 2: ex boyfriend. Like it's just when it gets to this

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Speaker 2: point of so controlling, it's like it doesn't make any sense.

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Speaker 2: So I would not be surprised if they got cut off.

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Speaker 2: So let her know you're here for her, and I think, yeah,

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Speaker 2: and a loving.

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Speaker 1: Way, I just say, I can't support this.

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Speaker 4: You have to find it an analogy or a comparison

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Speaker 4: that will strike a chord and hopefully your lack of

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Speaker 4: participation and her wedding will be a wake up call.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and you know what, sometimes weddings get canceled.

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Speaker 4: So yeah, you should listen to your friends when they

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Speaker 4: know better and I should. And when a group of

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Speaker 4: people is telling you something like you could obviously you

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Speaker 4: can't assud that everyone knows better than you. But when

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Speaker 4: a group of people that care about you tells you something,

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Speaker 4: you need to fucking listen.

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Speaker 1: Those are your friends.

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Speaker 2: For me, when I was in a similar sort of

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Speaker 2: situation as this friend, it was like, oh, all my

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Speaker 2: college friends and all my high school friends and my family,

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Speaker 2: like these different groups who I knew all loved me

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Speaker 2: and were all telling me the same thing about this person.

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Speaker 2: I was like, oh, I still think this is great,

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Speaker 2: but like maybe I should leave because all these people

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Speaker 2: are upset for me, you know. And that was what

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Speaker 2: was the catalyst. And two weeks later I like snapped

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Speaker 2: out of it and I was like, oh wait, that

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Speaker 2: was terrible. Yeah, all right, Carly? Was she the best

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Speaker 2: of luck and you have some hard conversations with how

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Speaker 2: do you?

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Speaker 1: And they told her how they felt. Oh yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's okay, all right, Well we'll take a quick break

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Speaker 1: and be back with a question. Okay, and we're back,

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Speaker 1: all right. So Jeff says the subject of his.

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Speaker 2: Email is am I a hoe or just a guy?

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Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea? My boyfriend and I have been going out

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Speaker 2: for eight months and he's a good guy. The problem

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Speaker 2: I'm having now is part way through I realized I'm

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Speaker 2: not meant for a monogamous relationship all my life. When

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Speaker 2: we met, that's what I thought I wanted, but learned

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Speaker 2: further on that this might not be the case. I

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Speaker 2: told him this one day and he acknowledged it and

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Speaker 2: thanked me for sharing, but it never came up again,

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Speaker 2: and I've not yet asked to open things up. My

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Speaker 2: issue is I'm in a great relationship, but our sex

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Speaker 2: life has fallen flat and frankly, he doesn't offer the

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Speaker 2: dominant energy I like.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes.

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Speaker 2: I spend a lot of my workday being in control

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Speaker 2: of things, so sometimes it's fun to let someone else

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Speaker 2: take over. But he doesn't seem to naturally have that

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Speaker 2: side to him. AKA he has low top energy. I

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Speaker 2: have told him I'd like him to top sometimes, but

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Speaker 2: it seems like he would need to force that side

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Speaker 2: of him to make matters more complicated. I have developed

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Speaker 2: quite the crush. It's nothing crazy or consuming or really

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Speaker 2: anything yet. He's a bartender at a spot where I

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Speaker 2: like to get a drink after work. But what I

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Speaker 2: have to note is my inability to speak to him.

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Speaker 2: Just the thought of talking to him puts my stomach

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Speaker 2: in my throat. I don't usually get that way, but

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Speaker 2: he quite possibly could be the most attractive guy I've

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Speaker 2: ever met. I'll get mesmerized watching a bartend another bonus,

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Speaker 2: as I think other hospitality professionals are wired the same

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Speaker 2: way I am. I want to see what other connection

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Speaker 2: I could have with him beyond liking what I see.

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Speaker 2: But obviously there's some guilt being in a relationship, so

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Speaker 2: I keep my distance.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to finish this where I started. Am I

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Speaker 1: a hoe?

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Speaker 2: Or do you think this is normal for guys wanting

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Speaker 2: a relationship but also to have sex with other people?

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Speaker 2: Am I awful for having a crush when I'm already

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Speaker 2: in a committed relationship. Am I awful for wanting to

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Speaker 2: be possibly be open one day?

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Speaker 1: Jeff, Hi, how are you?

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Speaker 5: Oh? I'm so good. This is like the best day

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Speaker 5: of my life right now.

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Speaker 1: Oh, I love it. I love it.

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Speaker 4: First of all, you're a gay man, so everything you're

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Speaker 4: feeling is completely natural. Did you have a conversation about

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Speaker 4: opening up your relationship where you were just thinking about

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Speaker 4: having a conversation.

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Speaker 6: So can I just also say that I don't say

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Speaker 6: the word ho and a malevolent no.

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Speaker 5: Thank you because the times how I mean it.

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Speaker 4: So no, no, no, no, you don't have to explain

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Speaker 4: yourself hole positive. You're in a safe place right now,

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Speaker 4: safe home, positive place.

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Speaker 6: I appreciate that. So I did one day, you know,

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Speaker 6: And you know it's funny. I think it's from actually

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Speaker 6: hearing some of your podcasts in my drive where I

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Speaker 6: kind of rethought about this where I was like, I

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Speaker 6: don't know if monogamy forever is fair. I just think

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Speaker 6: it's a lot to ask now it is, And I

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Speaker 6: kind of brought it up where I said, you know,

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Speaker 6: I know when we met, I said I thought I

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Speaker 6: wanted something very I would say normally monogamous or whatever,

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Speaker 6: but I've kind of changed my mind on that and

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Speaker 6: I may want to change things at some point.

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Speaker 5: And he kind of was just like okay, and it

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Speaker 5: never came up again.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So you have two options.

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Speaker 4: You could either pursue this behind his back and cheat

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Speaker 4: on him, or you can go to him and be like,

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Speaker 4: let's revisit the conversation about having an open relationship.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, but I don't I never want to become the cheater.

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Speaker 6: I've never cheated on anybody in my life. I don't

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Speaker 6: want to say today that's your answer, But you know,

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Speaker 6: it's one of those things where it's like, well if

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Speaker 6: one day, you know, let's take the crush totally out

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Speaker 6: of the equation for a second. If one day I

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Speaker 6: want to be open. I kind of was saying to

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Speaker 6: Catherine in to my pre interview, like how do I

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Speaker 6: ask for that without making him feel unloved or small

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Speaker 6: or anything negative.

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Speaker 4: Well, I think you just have a really honest conversation,

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Speaker 4: like what you said in your letter, Like, listen, we're

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Speaker 4: in a relationship. Obviously, it's hopefully you're hoping it for

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Speaker 4: it to be long term.

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Speaker 1: It is long term already. How long have you guys

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Speaker 1: been together?

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Speaker 5: Probably nine going on ten months?

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Speaker 4: So oh ten months okay, okay, copy, yeah, okay, so

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Speaker 4: what you but you're hoping to be in a long

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Speaker 4: term relationship.

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Speaker 5: I'm enjoying what it is right now. I don't feel

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Speaker 5: the need to change it.

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Speaker 6: It's just, you know, I've always kind of been one

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Speaker 6: of those people who's like, I don't know what, like

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Speaker 6: it's going to throw at me one day, So it's

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Speaker 6: hard to say, well, I, you know, definitely pan out

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Speaker 6: with this person forever. So I guess maybe that's why

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Speaker 6: the openness is kind of on my mind.

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Speaker 4: But don't you want to pursue this other guy at

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Speaker 4: work that you're talking about.

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Speaker 6: I do, but I just think I'm going to get

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Speaker 6: myself into trouble if I do it, so like, because

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Speaker 6: I just think there's going to be no like honest

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Speaker 6: way to do it without it being like kind of

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Speaker 6: deceptive or feeling like, you know, kind of criminal.

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Speaker 5: So I think I don't want to do it.

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Speaker 2: I think the way to do that is to have

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Speaker 2: the conversation. And it sounds like he wasn't he didn't

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Speaker 2: shut it down right away. I mean, and okay, is

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Speaker 2: like a all right, like let's revisit this later.

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Speaker 5: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: I mean, the way to not feel criminal or deceptive

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Speaker 4: is to have the conversation with him now and be like, Okay,

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Speaker 4: I know we talked about this before, but do you

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Speaker 4: want to like formally have an open relationship. I think

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Speaker 4: that will be healthy moving forward, like eight or nine

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Speaker 4: months if you already guys aren't having like hot sex

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Speaker 4: at eight to nine or eight nine months together? The

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Speaker 4: likelihood is that you're not going to stay together for

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Speaker 4: that much longer.

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Speaker 1: You know what I mean. That's just like kind of

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Speaker 1: gay male behavior.

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Speaker 4: You guys want action, and it should be Your honeymoon

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Speaker 4: period is usually more than eight or nine months.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, I agree, I think it should be at least

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Speaker 5: that's you know, but it's.

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Speaker 4: A great practice to just have an honest conversation. He

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Speaker 4: seemed open to it. It might be the easiest thing

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Speaker 4: in the world to say, Hey, can we open up

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Speaker 4: our relationship? What are the rules do you want to know? Like,

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Speaker 4: are we going to be open and just not tell

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Speaker 4: each other? Or are we going to be open and

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Speaker 4: tell each other? It's probably healthiest to be open and

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Speaker 4: not divulge every single detail, But what do you feel

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Speaker 4: comfortable with knowing?

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Speaker 1: And you know, without making it about.

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Speaker 4: A specific person like the guy that you're referencing, just say,

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Speaker 4: as a general rule, I've been thinking about it, and

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Speaker 4: I would like to keep my options open, although maintain

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Speaker 4: I would like to remain in this relationship.

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Speaker 1: You know, and be really respectful of you.

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Speaker 4: I want to make sure you're comfortable with this and

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Speaker 4: just come to an agreement where you're both having.

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Speaker 5: Input Okay, Yeah, I think I could do that.

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Speaker 4: It's a totally acceptable thing to do, especially as a

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Speaker 4: gay man.

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Speaker 1: It is totally fine for you to do that.

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Speaker 4: It's not going to be that disruptive, especially since you

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Speaker 4: already introduced the topic.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, I suppose so, I just I do worry about

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Speaker 6: hurting his feelings.

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Speaker 5: I guess doesn't seem warm to it.

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Speaker 1: It's more hurtful to be dishonest and deceptive.

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Speaker 4: So it's more you know what I mean, that's you

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Speaker 4: don't carry his feelings for him, give him enough credit,

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Speaker 4: have enough respect for him that you actually give him

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Speaker 4: the truth of the of the matter and how you're feeling,

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Speaker 4: and then let him tell you how that makes him feel.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and it can be an ongoing conversation, like he

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Speaker 2: doesn't have to like say yes after the first conversation

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Speaker 2: you both go out and sleep with other people. Like

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Speaker 2: that's it's just opening up the conversation about opening things up.

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Speaker 1: The other thing I wanted to address is you say,

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Speaker 1: you know, you said.

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Speaker 2: Like, oh, I'm not sure if I can force him

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Speaker 2: to do this, Like being in a relationship with someone

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Speaker 2: is all about experimenting, especially in the bedroom. And I

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Speaker 2: think like there's definitely room for, you know, things to change,

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Speaker 2: things to evolve. I mean, Brad and I have been

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Speaker 2: together twenty years, and I would say even in the

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Speaker 2: last like three or four years, things are still evolving. Yea,

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Speaker 2: he calls her Chelsea, which is really weird in that

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Speaker 2: but you know, an unprofessional workplace. But yeah, I mean

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Speaker 2: I think I would just like tell him, like, hey,

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Speaker 2: I'm thinking about this. I would love if you do

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Speaker 2: this in bed, if you're a little more controlling, et cetera,

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Speaker 2: et cetera, and like.

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Speaker 1: See if he is into it.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, listen, you're at a great place in

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Speaker 4: your relationship to start having really honest conversations, because that

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Speaker 4: is also a sign of how long the relationship can last.

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Speaker 4: If you can tell somebody something that is you know,

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Speaker 4: hard for you to say, or opens the doorway to

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Speaker 4: like a further conversation about sexual freedom, about sexual liberty,

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Speaker 4: about how you're going to move around in this relationship.

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Speaker 1: You're only going to like build.

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Speaker 4: A stronger foundation, stronger foundation for moving forward and with

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Speaker 4: other relationships if this relationship doesn't last long. But I

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Speaker 4: think you should also give him more credit than you're

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Speaker 4: giving him, Like, don't be so worried about his feelings

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Speaker 4: until there's something to worry about. But being honest and

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Speaker 4: forthright and upfront with your partner is the most respectful

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Speaker 4: way you can behave.

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Speaker 5: Okay, yeah, I think you're right.

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Speaker 6: Maybe I'm kind of like anticipating the worst maybe, which

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Speaker 6: is something i've.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so stop you professionally doing stop that? Sure, right, right, okay, good, good? Right,

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Speaker 1: thanks Jeff. And then hopefully you can go fuck that

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Speaker 1: guy that you want to fuck. Yeah, please report back

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Speaker 1: when you fuck that guy.

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Speaker 5: Alrighty, yeah, no, I'll definitely follow up with you.

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Speaker 1: I mean, maybe your boyfriend wants to go fuck that

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Speaker 1: guy with you? Who knows? Yeah, yes, get it? Actually

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Speaker 1: a great idea, Yeah, love it.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, I mean anything's possible.

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Speaker 1: Sure, all right, Thanks Jeff, bye, Jeff, thanks so much.

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Speaker 5: Chase, take care.

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Speaker 4: Okay, yeah, all right, Well we're good to go and

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Speaker 4: d okay, and we're wrapped on another episode of der Chelsea.

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Speaker 1: Thanks guys for listening.

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Speaker 4: Make sure you go to Chelseahandler dot com to find

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Speaker 4: tickets for my stand up shows.

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Speaker 1: Come see me, come see me live. It's gonna be

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Speaker 1: a good time going. I just announced all my tour dates.

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Speaker 1: It's called the High and Mighty Tour.

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Speaker 4: I will be touring from February through June, so go

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Speaker 4: get your tickets now. If you want to come see

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Speaker 4: me perform, I will be on the Hot and Mighty Tour.

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Speaker 1: Do you want advice from Chelsea?

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Speaker 2: Right into Dear Chelsea Podcast gmail dot com. Find full

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Speaker 2: video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at

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Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea Pod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by

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Speaker 2: Brad Dickert executive producer Katherine law And be sure to

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Speaker 2: check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com