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Speaker 1: Pushkin. We are now deep in the heart of December,

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Speaker 1: a very dark cold month in the US which we

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Speaker 1: often try to brighten up with some festive cheer. But

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Speaker 1: while we're supposed to be having fun this time of year,

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Speaker 1: in reality, the holidays can be tough. There's often family squabbles,

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Speaker 1: financial pressures, and even a heightened sense of loneliness. Here

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Speaker 1: at the Happiness Lab, we like to tackle holiday woes

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Speaker 1: head on, which is why we asked you to send

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Speaker 1: us all your holiday challenges, the worries you have about

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Speaker 1: dinner table strife and gift giving anxiety and how to

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Speaker 1: really create a happier holiday. And Wow, Happiness Lab listeners,

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Speaker 1: did you deliver. We got tons of questions about how

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Speaker 1: to stay joyful this season, So armed with your questions

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Speaker 1: and wearing my Santa hat, I jumped on a call

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Speaker 1: with this episode's special holiday helper and asked him to

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Speaker 1: introduce himself.

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Speaker 2: Laurie, I'm Rain Wilson.

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Speaker 3: I think you know that, and I have a podcast

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Speaker 3: called Soul Boom and it's based on my book of

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Speaker 3: the same name. It's about why we need a spiritual revolution,

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Speaker 3: but it's not spirituality like you normally think about it.

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Speaker 3: It's about spiritual tools from mental health, wellness, personal transformation,

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Speaker 3: and also maybe using some of those tools to help

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Speaker 3: make the world a better place.

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Speaker 1: If there's any time we need spiritual tools to feel

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Speaker 1: better and make the world a better place, I think

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Speaker 1: it's during the holiday season.

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Speaker 2: That's good transition.

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Speaker 1: Though best known as a comedic actor, Rain takes his

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Speaker 1: spirituality pretty seriously. Rain was raised in the Bahai faith,

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Speaker 1: but he too has spent time observing the December holidays,

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Speaker 1: like celebrating Christmas with his grandparents, and it was fitting

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Speaker 1: for me to have Rain on the show to chat

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Speaker 1: about the holidays, because when I think of holiday cheer,

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Speaker 1: I can't help think of d Shrewt, the famous character

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Speaker 1: Rain played in the Office, and my favorite ever Office

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Speaker 1: holiday episode when Dwight dresses up in a weird medieval

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Speaker 1: costume and attempts to get his coworkers to celebrate the

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Speaker 1: Pennsylvania Dutch version of Christmas.

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Speaker 3: I was kind of hoping that Bellschnickel would become a thing.

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Speaker 3: I was really hoping that would be a catalyst and

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Speaker 3: there would be Bellschnickel celebrations everywhere, impish or admirable. But

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Speaker 3: I'm afraid it hasn't really caught on, but we need

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Speaker 3: to make that happen.

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Speaker 1: Maybe this is the year Bellschnickel twenty twenty five. Hashtag

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Speaker 1: Bellsnickel twenty twenty five. We're gonna make it work.

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Speaker 2: I love it. Let's bring it well.

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Speaker 1: If that was only a holiday problem we've faced, it

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Speaker 1: would be very easy just bringing the Bellschnickel back. But unfortunately,

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Speaker 1: folks are struggling during the holiday season. And one of

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Speaker 1: the things that we did on the Happiness Lab was

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Speaker 1: that we solicited all our fans and listeners to send

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Speaker 1: us their holiday woes. And our goal today Rain is

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Speaker 1: to give folks advice so that they can have a

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Speaker 1: happier and more joyful, more spiritually excited holiday season.

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Speaker 3: I love It's such a great service to folks. It's

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Speaker 3: a trying time, so we need all the kind of

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Speaker 3: tools and the joy and connection we can get.

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Speaker 1: Start with the level one holiday woes. We got a

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Speaker 1: lot of requests for help managing holiday expectations. One of

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Speaker 1: our listeners, Karishmo on Instagram, just wrote that straight up

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Speaker 1: her holiday woe was short be suite fomo fear missing out. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and I think the special kind of fomo. We get

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Speaker 1: in the holidays where we look on social media and

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Speaker 1: we see everyone's lights and perfect trees and the big

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Speaker 1: presence under the tree, and we just feel like, why

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Speaker 1: is my holiday such a mess? How do we get

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Speaker 1: through that?

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Speaker 2: Well?

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Speaker 3: Thank you for asking a television sitcom actor an occasional

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Speaker 3: author about advice around how to get through that. I

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Speaker 3: don't have any specific advice, but I will say this,

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Speaker 3: and I'm sure you've talked about it a ton on

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Speaker 3: your show. Social media breeds fomo like nobody's business. Yes,

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Speaker 3: I'm a by some intents and purpose, this is a

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Speaker 3: fairly successful guy.

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Speaker 2: Like I have a book.

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Speaker 3: And a podcast, and I do acting roles, and I

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Speaker 3: work in nonprofits and have my faith.

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Speaker 2: Community and blah blah blah.

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Speaker 3: I'm not saying like successful, look at me, but I'm saying, like,

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Speaker 3: you know, I've got I've got things going on, a

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Speaker 3: lot going on. I look at Instagram and like what

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Speaker 3: some actors are doing or podcasters, and like they have

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Speaker 3: they're putting out content every other day and there. And

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Speaker 3: when they take a trip, they don't just take the trip,

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Speaker 3: they they do a fun, crazy exercise and they they're

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Speaker 3: always redecorating, and they're doing pottery, and they're the list

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Speaker 3: goes on and on and on, and I'm always like, God,

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Speaker 3: I should be doing that. I should be doing that.

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Speaker 3: Why am I not doing I really should be doing that.

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Speaker 3: Why am I not doing that? I could be doing that.

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Speaker 3: I really could be doing that. So I've taken social

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Speaker 3: media off my phone nice.

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Speaker 2: I only look.

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Speaker 3: At it very occasionally, like maybe once or twice a

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Speaker 3: week for a limited amount of time, and I kind

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Speaker 3: of prepare myself going in that, Hey, there's be all

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Speaker 3: these actors, performers, podcasters, writers, just bringing so much to

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Speaker 3: the table, and I'm choosing to do that in a

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Speaker 3: very limited amount of time. So I think of the

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Speaker 3: same thing works for the holidays. What is the holiday

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Speaker 3: in your heart?

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Speaker 2: You know? Is it like we're just gonna get a

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Speaker 2: chicken from.

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Speaker 3: Ralph's and sit around the table and watch a football game,

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Speaker 3: or is it going to be more than that?

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Speaker 2: And whatever it is, it's okay because it's just about connecting.

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Speaker 1: I love this because I think you know what happens

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Speaker 1: to you when you go on to social media during

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Speaker 1: the holiday season, like could warm your Christmas heart and

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Speaker 1: just make you filled with the holiday spirit, or it

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Speaker 1: could make you snarky and judgy and kind of sad

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Speaker 1: about your own life. And if it's the latter, then

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Speaker 1: you have a choice. You could just not hop on

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Speaker 1: Facebook and not hop on Instagram during the holiday season.

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Speaker 1: You could just kind of make sure you have in

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Speaker 1: real life connection time and just avoid it. So I

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Speaker 1: think this is a great advice. Monitor the FOMO and

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Speaker 1: the sadness and the social comparison, and if it's feeling crappy, remember,

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Speaker 1: especially on social media, you can step away.

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Speaker 3: My therapist Bruce talks a lot about vigilance and preparedness

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Speaker 3: so we're not blindsided by people and situations and then

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Speaker 3: then we're not victimized by them. So if you're gonna

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Speaker 3: go onto Instagram, just be prepared and be vigilant that

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Speaker 3: it's going to probably in some ways inspire you.

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Speaker 2: It's going to entertain you.

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Speaker 3: You're gonna laugh, you're gonna see some funny videos, you're

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Speaker 3: gonna see some friends and check in. There's gonna be

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Speaker 3: some great, you know, oxytocin and dopamine releases that are

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Speaker 3: very positive, and then there's.

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Speaker 2: Also going to be some negative impact.

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Speaker 3: So it's super important to not be a passive victim

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Speaker 3: and just click open socials, but to be vigilant and prepared,

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Speaker 3: just like you have to be vigilant and prepared, I

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Speaker 3: suppose when you come and meet your family for the holidays.

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Speaker 1: And this is your therapist advice, but it's also ancient advice.

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Speaker 1: One of my favorite stoic philosophers, Epictitis, thousands of years ago,

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Speaker 1: had this little passage where he said, when you go

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Speaker 1: to the baths, remember what happens at the bats, And

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Speaker 1: the bats were like the thing people would like, go

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Speaker 1: to the bats, and that is like at the bats,

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Speaker 1: you know, there's warm water and it's great, but people

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Speaker 1: are going to jostle you. People are going to annoy you.

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Speaker 1: And I think like that idea of remember what happens

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Speaker 1: when you go to the bats is something that I

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Speaker 1: bring back over and over again in the holiday season,

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Speaker 1: especially during holiday travel. I have to fly to my

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Speaker 1: in laws in Iowa, who I love and are great,

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Speaker 1: But that takes me through Chicago's O'Hare airport, which is

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Speaker 1: not great. It's like it's like it's like what epics

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Speaker 1: he just meant by the bats before he knew about Yeah,

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Speaker 1: like air travel and these kinds of things.

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Speaker 3: It's like, it's like he said, remember what happens at

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Speaker 3: O'Hare before going to O'Hare.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, some translations of the Latin I think do call

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Speaker 1: it O'Hair. Okay, but yeah, but we got to remember,

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Speaker 1: we got to be vigilant. And another thing we need

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Speaker 1: to be vigilant for something else that came up a

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Speaker 1: bunch with our listeners, which is this idea of perfectionism.

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Speaker 1: Everybody wants a holiday to be Christmas card perfect, but

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Speaker 1: pretty much nobody's holiday is Christmas heart perfect. How do

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Speaker 1: you let the holidays just be and fight that perfectionism?

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Speaker 1: How do you do that in your own life?

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Speaker 3: Rain So, I grew up a member of the Bahai faith,

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Speaker 3: so Christmas was kind of a part time endeavor for

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Speaker 3: us and our extended family. We definitely celebrated Christmas more

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Speaker 3: as a cultural holiday. That was my grandparents had a

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Speaker 3: tree and there would be some gifts and stuff like that.

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Speaker 3: So I never kind of grew up with that kind

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Speaker 3: of pressure. But I know that there are people and

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Speaker 3: I've met them, and I have some family members that

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Speaker 3: start preparing six or nine months out.

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Speaker 2: They go to those Christmas stores in the summer oh yeah,

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Speaker 2: you know yep.

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Speaker 3: And for some folks it's one of their passions, you know,

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Speaker 3: decorating and.

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Speaker 2: Pulling off an amazing Christmas.

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Speaker 3: But I just think that, you know, this sounds so hokey,

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Speaker 3: and maybe you can help me steer this out of

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Speaker 3: the gutter. But it sounds so hokey. But like, it's

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Speaker 3: about the Christmas spirit, right, if you're a Christian, it's

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Speaker 3: Jesus was born, the Prince of Peace is here. It's

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Speaker 3: a time of love, a connection, gift giving, coming in

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Speaker 3: from the cold, bringing a tree in from outside in

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Speaker 3: you know, the in the more Germanic tradition. But it's

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Speaker 3: it's about connection and gratitude and thanks and it's not

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Speaker 3: about stringing eighty seven popcorn strength and having the lights

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Speaker 3: perfect and having those photos up on Instagram and sharing

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Speaker 3: them in your Christmas card. And I would say, Laurie,

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Speaker 3: what is that? What is that human impulse toward beyond

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Speaker 3: perfectionism to make something better than it has to be?

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Speaker 3: Oh yeah, maybe that is perfectionist.

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Speaker 1: So it's kind of like a not enough, not enough.

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Speaker 1: I'm not enough. My house isn't enough, the trees not enough,

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Speaker 1: the decorations are not enough. Yeah, I get I'm ashamed

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Speaker 1: to admit this, but I get this a lot, not

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Speaker 1: necessarily so much about the winter holidays, but about other

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Speaker 1: of situations in holidays. Sometimes I feel like every endeavor

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Speaker 1: that I'm supposed to be doing is like the middle

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Speaker 1: school science fair, and I'm supposed to get, you know,

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Speaker 1: the first prize in the middle school science fair. So

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Speaker 1: it can't just be like a regular tree. It has

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Speaker 1: to be like sure, the perfect tree and over the top.

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Speaker 1: And then it stops being fun. And I'm snarky with

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Speaker 1: my husband and I'm you know, wristling like in work

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Speaker 1: meetings because I'm so mad that the tree didn't come

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Speaker 1: out right, and it's like, wait, what am I doing?

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Speaker 3: And I think too, I've been looking a lot at

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Speaker 3: my own workoholism. And Arthur Brooks just had a column

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Speaker 3: on workoholism and his weekly column for the Atlantic and

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Speaker 3: has so many great things in there, but one was,

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Speaker 3: you know, there's something wonderful about humans getting self esteem

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Speaker 3: from doing good work.

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Speaker 2: But if we get all of our esteem.

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Speaker 3: From impressing others, you know, putting in an obsessive amounts

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Speaker 3: of hours, that there's something really unhealthy.

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Speaker 2: There's there's something really imbalanced.

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Speaker 3: I have to look out for my own kind of

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Speaker 3: therapeutic practice of like I am enough. I'm enough just

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Speaker 3: as I am. Like you said, you can live in

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Speaker 3: a middle class home that isn't super decorated, it's not

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Speaker 3: a Arthur Stewart home, and that your home is enough,

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Speaker 3: your food is enough, You are enough as opposed to

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Speaker 3: like always am having to prove myself by doing more.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and you said the word that I think we

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Speaker 1: all need to pay attention to, which is balance.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 1: It's fine to like care about your house looking nice,

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Speaker 1: but when that gets out of balance and now you're

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Speaker 1: in judge, snirky, pissy, sad mode, Like that's when something's

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Speaker 1: gone too far. So vigilance again, watch for that moment

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Speaker 1: of kind of imbalance and then try to rectify it all. Right, Now,

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Speaker 1: we have a longer holiday woe that we got from Beth,

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Speaker 1: And I think longer holiday was we got a lot

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Speaker 1: of because people have a lot of emotions when it

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Speaker 1: comes to.

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Speaker 2: The holiday season.

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Speaker 1: But this is about how we can manage holiday expectations

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Speaker 1: about hospitality during the holiday season. And so here's my

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Speaker 1: summary of Beth's email. So, Beth's family hosts this big

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Speaker 1: holiday event every year, and when Beth was home, she

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Speaker 1: ran into a high school friend who she found out

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Speaker 1: had had some losses in the year. High school friends

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Speaker 1: didn't have anybody to go to the holidays with, So

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Speaker 1: Beth emails her mom and says, Hey, you know, my friend,

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Speaker 1: she doesn't everywhere to go. Would it be cool if

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Speaker 1: I bring her. I'm going to assume it's cool. Let

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Speaker 1: me know if it's not. But it'd be so nice

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Speaker 1: to have somewhere, you know, let this person have a

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Speaker 1: happier holiday when she was going to be so lonely.

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Speaker 1: But then radio silence. Beth, here's nothing, and so she's like, uh,

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Speaker 1: this doesn't sound good. So a week before the event,

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Speaker 1: Beth email's back and says like, hey, you didn't write

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Speaker 1: back about my friend coming. I hope it's still cool.

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Speaker 1: Still radio silence. But Beth's like, you know, the holidays,

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Speaker 1: you know, Christmas hospitality or whatever it is. So Beth

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Speaker 1: invites the friend, and the mom is stone cold, silent,

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Speaker 1: very mean to Beth, and in fact so mean that

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Speaker 1: she puts Beth at the friend at a separate table

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Speaker 1: like the kid's table in the other room from the

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Speaker 1: holiday dinner whe everybody's eating well, which Beth lovingly referred

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Speaker 1: to as the punishment table. It makes me feel like,

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Speaker 1: you know, whatever problems my family, that didn't shun me

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Speaker 1: to a punishment table, at least in recent memories. So

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Speaker 1: that's good. But I think it shows off what we

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Speaker 1: often kind of go through, which is like, this is

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Speaker 1: supposed to be a season of hosting and the holiday spirit,

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Speaker 1: but we can get so tied to what we think

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Speaker 1: the meal is going to be and who's going to

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Speaker 1: be at the meal that we sometimes wind up not

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Speaker 1: being as kind as we should be. So any ideas

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Speaker 1: about how we can put some checks on that, like

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Speaker 1: fight back against this idea of we can be so

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Speaker 1: rigid that the holiday has to be this way that

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Speaker 1: we wind up hurting the people we care about.

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Speaker 2: Well, I got to do a little deer abby on

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Speaker 2: the letter. We got a deer abby this please?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: All right?

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Speaker 3: Well, first of all, I always say to folks and

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Speaker 3: my own son, my wife, people I deal with when

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Speaker 3: I was had this company sold pancake. So many crossed

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Speaker 3: wires by texting and emailing, where it's like pick up

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Speaker 3: the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone,

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Speaker 3: hear someone's voice, run it by them voice to voice.

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Speaker 3: It's it's really hard, especially on a chain, and then

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Speaker 3: people don't want to respond because they you know, it's

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Speaker 3: not a great way to communicate. Also, some people have

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Speaker 3: very different opinions about Christmas. They're like, I want Christmas

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Speaker 3: with the family. This is my chance to just see

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Speaker 3: I don't want Bobby bringing his girlfriend, and Eddie bringing

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Speaker 3: his high school friend and Dominic bringing his sick friend.

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Speaker 3: Like I just want the family together. Some people feel

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Speaker 3: very strongly about that. I know my friend Kevin once

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Speaker 3: brought a girlfriend that he had only been dating for

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Speaker 3: like six months, and his family was like outraged, like

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Speaker 3: if it's a real girlfriend, And it's like, if it's

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Speaker 3: this is headed towards engagement or something great, but don't

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Speaker 3: just bring who you're currently seeing over. That's just doesn't

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Speaker 3: seem right. But I'm guessing the families from the Midwest,

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Speaker 3: and there's a lot of passive aggressive stuff going on here,

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Speaker 3: and the idea that the mom would be steing on

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Speaker 3: this for weeks or months and then just treat someone

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Speaker 3: like that in person is incredibly dysfunctional and shows like

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Speaker 3: they've got some there's conflict avoidance going on and passive

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Speaker 3: aggression going on. So I feel on all sides, but

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Speaker 3: I think some of this could have been avoided with

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Speaker 3: better communication.

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Speaker 1: And one of the things we need to communicate about

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Speaker 1: is exactly what you're saying, right, which is like our values?

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 1: It might be that for Beth, like the Christmas season

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Speaker 1: is all about, you know, being kind to people in

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Speaker 1: need or kind of you know, Christmas hospitality. Who cares

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Speaker 1: what it might be that for Beth's mom, it's really

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Speaker 1: about exactly what you're saying. It's family. Like family, family,

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Speaker 1: that is value that we want to engage with in

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Speaker 1: the season, and if you bring some rando, it's going

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Speaker 1: to interrupt our family time in that matters. But you

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Speaker 1: can't know what other people's values are unless you first communicate.

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Speaker 1: But then second you are really honest and ask questions

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Speaker 1: and say, you know, how do you feel about this,

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Speaker 1: what does this mean to you?

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Speaker 2: And so on.

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Speaker 1: We often just don't do that second step of trying

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Speaker 1: to see how it would feel to someone, and that

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Speaker 1: matters a.

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Speaker 3: Lot, and increasing sensitivity and compassion to everyone during the

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Speaker 3: holidays to understand that, you know, Uncle Ronnie may just

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Speaker 3: want to watch the football game, you know, and Aunt

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Speaker 3: Sally really wants to connect with this side of the

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Speaker 3: family and you know, someone else it's really about Jesus

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Speaker 3: and church and going to church first thing in the morning,

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Speaker 3: and it's much more of a religious thing. Some people

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Speaker 3: expect a lot of presents, Like doesn't mean you have

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Speaker 3: to kowtow to their every need, but get in reality

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Speaker 3: with your family about is what is the holidays for us?

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Speaker 2: And maybe that's a great source of conversation.

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Speaker 3: Is kind of like on Boxing days, sit around like, hey, everyone,

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Speaker 3: let's get together, let's talk about what the holidays mean

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Speaker 3: for us? And like next year, like what is it

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Speaker 3: that we want to do? I mean, what do we

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Speaker 3: love about it? What do we think we could change?

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Speaker 3: What if we didn't exchange gifts? Because it's a lot

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Speaker 3: of pressure and we just all put in money towards

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Speaker 3: this charitable event that we feel strongly about, our cause

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Speaker 3: that we feel strongly about, you know. But to encourage

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Speaker 3: that kind of group conversation to kind of move it forward.

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Speaker 1: Well, this is a nice transition because the next set

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Speaker 1: of holiday woes that we're going to tackle are navigating

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Speaker 1: family dynamics. We've already started off hat of the conversation,

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Speaker 1: but we have some specific ones that I think might

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Speaker 1: need the Dear rain advice, And so here's one from

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Speaker 1: cal quote. The biggest challenge for me going home for

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Speaker 1: family holidays was not only listening to a close relative

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Speaker 1: boast about all the material possessions and fabulous job titles

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Speaker 1: they had, but also watching my parents not an admiration

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Speaker 1: and approval whilst looking down on me for living in

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Speaker 1: a two bedroom apartment and making loaded comments about my

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Speaker 1: old car end quote, if only.

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Speaker 2: I was more successful end quote.

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Speaker 1: Families bring up a lot of old school family expectations

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Speaker 1: that often go and said, because of this conversation issue,

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Speaker 1: how do we navigate that.

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Speaker 3: I don't know you're going to have to take this one,

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Speaker 3: but I do. I hear about this a lot. Someone

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Speaker 3: is like, so you're still single, like you know, the

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Speaker 3: expectation that you're going to be in a relationship, or

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Speaker 3: did you get that raise you were supposed to get

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Speaker 3: last year, or you're still at the same dead end job.

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Speaker 2: Like There's can be some implications there.

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Speaker 3: And one thing I will say is that I think

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Speaker 3: this is the grumpy old man in me, But I

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Speaker 3: feel like people are less good at conversation than they

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Speaker 3: used to be. And maybe it's because we spend so

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Speaker 3: much time looking at our phones.

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Speaker 1: We're so out of practice, we're so out of practice.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, because I think that a lot of times people

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Speaker 3: are like they just ask the same old questions.

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Speaker 2: So, how how have you been good?

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Speaker 3: How's the health, nice weather, we're take any vacations? How's

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Speaker 3: your job, how's your kid? How's your mom doing? How

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Speaker 3: about those bears? How is ohare airport? And then you're done,

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Speaker 3: And then they're kind of like that's it. And if

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Speaker 3: you try and go deeper, people are not very good

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Speaker 3: at listening. Yeah, yeah, I don't This doesn't answer the

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Speaker 3: question at all, but I think it's something that all

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Speaker 3: of us can just be working on is getting Because

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Speaker 3: to me, great conversation comes.

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Speaker 2: Out of curiosity.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, Like if I meet someone interact with them, I'm

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Speaker 3: deeply curious, like who are they, what makes them tick?

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Speaker 3: What do they think about things? How did they get

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Speaker 3: to where they are? And maybe that.

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Speaker 2: Helps make me a podcast host or you as well.

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Speaker 1: But I think that's the key. We all need to

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Speaker 1: become podcast hosts. Around the family dinner table, right, we

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Speaker 1: all need to bring in a little more curiosity, And

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Speaker 1: this is a spot where I think the research helps

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Speaker 1: us a lot. My colleague Nick Epley, who's this professor

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Speaker 1: at the University of Chicago studies calls undersociality, this idea

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Speaker 1: that we're not as social as we could be and

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Speaker 1: we don't understand the benefits of sociality and the way

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Speaker 1: that we should. And he has this technique that he

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Speaker 1: calls deep conversation, which is avoid the shallow stuff. Know,

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Speaker 1: how is the weather, how is O'Hare? You ask, what's

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00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:27,916
Speaker 1: one thing that you're really grateful for this year? Oh?

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Speaker 2: Wow, that's great.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, what's one thing about your work that really surprises you?

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Speaker 1: You know, what's the last time you cried? Right, which

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00:20:35,196 --> 00:20:37,476
Speaker 1: is actually one of the items on his survey. And

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Speaker 1: what people predict is like, awful, this is going to

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00:20:39,836 --> 00:20:42,916
Speaker 1: be like way too overshare. But what happens is people

415
00:20:43,236 --> 00:20:45,556
Speaker 1: really enjoy it. Even when they're talking about stuff that

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Speaker 1: might be tough to talk about, they wind up feeling

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00:20:47,356 --> 00:20:51,556
Speaker 1: closer afterwards. So I think if your family conversations are

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00:20:51,636 --> 00:20:55,076
Speaker 1: veering into this stuff, that's either activating all this old

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00:20:55,116 --> 00:20:57,316
Speaker 1: school I'm not good enough, or you feel like you're

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Speaker 1: veering into like that career conversation you've had forty times

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00:21:00,756 --> 00:21:02,636
Speaker 1: and you don't want to go through it again. Just

422
00:21:02,676 --> 00:21:04,876
Speaker 1: switch gears and get curious, to get a little deeper.

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Speaker 1: I think it can help a lot.

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Speaker 3: What about this, What about heading it off at the past,

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00:21:08,156 --> 00:21:11,196
Speaker 3: like gather everyone to get either you arrive, Hey, everyone together.

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Speaker 2: I got a couple announcements.

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00:21:12,996 --> 00:21:17,036
Speaker 3: Yes I'm still working at blah blah blah, and no

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00:21:17,156 --> 00:21:20,476
Speaker 3: I didn't get the rays, and yeah my car sucks.

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Speaker 2: I'm gonna I'm looking to get a new one next year.

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Speaker 3: And I've only had a couple of dates with this Susie,

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Speaker 3: but I'm still single.

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Speaker 2: And there you have it.

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Speaker 1: You can you can make like a button and so

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00:21:33,556 --> 00:21:35,036
Speaker 1: you don't have to get into it, like a little

435
00:21:35,036 --> 00:21:37,636
Speaker 1: button that says still at the dead end, job still

436
00:21:37,676 --> 00:21:38,236
Speaker 1: with Susie?

437
00:21:38,356 --> 00:21:41,236
Speaker 3: Yes you still for conversation cards? Hand out, hand out

438
00:21:41,236 --> 00:21:44,116
Speaker 3: the cards. Here's some other questions to ask me on

439
00:21:44,236 --> 00:21:46,436
Speaker 3: the flip it over. And then it's like, when's the

440
00:21:46,476 --> 00:21:47,396
Speaker 3: last time you cried?

441
00:21:47,836 --> 00:21:48,316
Speaker 2: Look lock.

442
00:21:48,356 --> 00:21:51,836
Speaker 1: It sounds stupid, but I think props can be incredibly helpful,

443
00:21:51,836 --> 00:21:53,876
Speaker 1: and in fact, Nick will well we'll share some of

444
00:21:53,916 --> 00:21:55,916
Speaker 1: these with the episode. But Nick has a set of

445
00:21:56,036 --> 00:21:58,036
Speaker 1: things you can download, so literally print them out and

446
00:21:58,076 --> 00:22:00,196
Speaker 1: stick them on the table so that when the conversation

447
00:22:00,316 --> 00:22:02,196
Speaker 1: dies down, if it's just on the table, someone will

448
00:22:02,196 --> 00:22:03,876
Speaker 1: pick it up and now you're talking about when the

449
00:22:03,916 --> 00:22:05,516
Speaker 1: last time you cried was, and you'll feel better.

450
00:22:05,716 --> 00:22:09,076
Speaker 2: I would love to get those resources.

451
00:22:09,276 --> 00:22:10,596
Speaker 1: I don't think you need them, Ran, I feel like

452
00:22:10,596 --> 00:22:13,636
Speaker 1: you're pretty good at conversation being a natural podcast host.

453
00:22:13,756 --> 00:22:16,076
Speaker 3: No, but I love like even that idea of like

454
00:22:16,116 --> 00:22:17,996
Speaker 3: when's the last time you cry? Because that's going to

455
00:22:18,076 --> 00:22:22,276
Speaker 3: be a portal to so many stories, you know, and

456
00:22:22,356 --> 00:22:23,516
Speaker 3: to get to know someone.

457
00:22:23,716 --> 00:22:27,276
Speaker 2: It's it's such a simple question, but it's tugging on

458
00:22:27,316 --> 00:22:29,396
Speaker 2: the thread that unravels the sweater, you know.

459
00:22:29,636 --> 00:22:33,036
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think if nothing else, our time with

460
00:22:33,116 --> 00:22:37,476
Speaker 1: the people we love should be there to get their stories. Again,

461
00:22:37,556 --> 00:22:39,516
Speaker 1: not to get morbid, but many of us have family

462
00:22:39,556 --> 00:22:41,916
Speaker 1: members that are getting up there. You know, we might

463
00:22:41,996 --> 00:22:44,276
Speaker 1: not have time to extract those stories. It feels like

464
00:22:44,316 --> 00:22:47,116
Speaker 1: we have forever, but in practice, you know, unless we

465
00:22:47,196 --> 00:22:49,956
Speaker 1: ask these deeper questions, these curious questions, we might ever

466
00:22:50,036 --> 00:22:51,916
Speaker 1: get there. So we'll give you some tools to help

467
00:22:51,956 --> 00:22:54,396
Speaker 1: out with that. You can find a version of these

468
00:22:54,436 --> 00:22:57,716
Speaker 1: conversation tips from Nick Epley on my website at doctor

469
00:22:57,836 --> 00:23:02,036
Speaker 1: Lauri Santos dot com slash deep Questions. That's d r

470
00:23:02,236 --> 00:23:06,076
Speaker 1: Lauri Santos dot com slash deep questions. Why not give

471
00:23:06,116 --> 00:23:08,956
Speaker 1: them a try and boost your social connection this holiday season.

472
00:23:09,676 --> 00:23:11,596
Speaker 1: It's time for a quick break, but Rain and I

473
00:23:11,596 --> 00:23:13,836
Speaker 1: will be back soon with more holiday tips when the

474
00:23:13,836 --> 00:23:26,316
Speaker 1: Happiness Lab returns in a moment. Okay, not just family

475
00:23:26,596 --> 00:23:29,636
Speaker 1: drama people are worried about. It's also the drama that

476
00:23:29,676 --> 00:23:32,996
Speaker 1: we experience in the world. Politics is getting so deep.

477
00:23:32,996 --> 00:23:34,836
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take the Santa hat off, both because it's

478
00:23:34,876 --> 00:23:37,596
Speaker 1: hot and also to signal we're going to the hard

479
00:23:37,596 --> 00:23:40,796
Speaker 1: stuff right now. Lots of families are worried about the

480
00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:43,516
Speaker 1: fact that their holidays are spent with people who have

481
00:23:43,676 --> 00:23:47,316
Speaker 1: political beliefs that might not align with their own political beliefs.

482
00:23:47,316 --> 00:23:49,956
Speaker 1: And we heard from many many listeners who wanted some

483
00:23:50,076 --> 00:23:50,636
Speaker 1: help with this.

484
00:23:50,996 --> 00:23:51,756
Speaker 2: So here's just one.

485
00:23:52,076 --> 00:23:55,836
Speaker 1: Ki Kim notes on Instagram. I'm married to a wonderful

486
00:23:55,876 --> 00:23:58,196
Speaker 1: husband of twenty three years. He was raised in a

487
00:23:58,236 --> 00:24:00,756
Speaker 1: conservative family and I was raised in a liberal one.

488
00:24:01,116 --> 00:24:04,316
Speaker 1: It is a nightmare hearing both sides argue about politics.

489
00:24:04,476 --> 00:24:06,996
Speaker 1: Especially because both of us were raised in families so

490
00:24:07,076 --> 00:24:10,036
Speaker 1: focused on politics that we hate politics. It is a

491
00:24:10,076 --> 00:24:14,596
Speaker 1: problem every year. Please give us some advice. Do your

492
00:24:14,676 --> 00:24:15,796
Speaker 1: ragin you want to take this one?

493
00:24:16,396 --> 00:24:20,596
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean it's really simple. I mean you don't

494
00:24:20,596 --> 00:24:25,156
Speaker 3: have to engage number one. Number two you can say hey,

495
00:24:25,196 --> 00:24:28,716
Speaker 3: I choose not to engage as a proactive response.

496
00:24:29,596 --> 00:24:31,436
Speaker 2: And number three you could.

497
00:24:31,316 --> 00:24:35,676
Speaker 3: Kind of whether it's by email beforehand or gathering everyone

498
00:24:35,756 --> 00:24:38,356
Speaker 3: run around at the get go and just say, listen, guys,

499
00:24:38,756 --> 00:24:40,916
Speaker 3: we live in such politically divisive times.

500
00:24:41,156 --> 00:24:43,116
Speaker 2: Can we make an agreement about what we're going to

501
00:24:43,196 --> 00:24:44,516
Speaker 2: do about this?

502
00:24:44,636 --> 00:24:47,076
Speaker 3: I mean, half of us voted for Trump, half of

503
00:24:47,156 --> 00:24:49,956
Speaker 3: us didn't, Half of us feel like this about immigration,

504
00:24:50,076 --> 00:24:53,156
Speaker 3: half of us don't like We all know that we're

505
00:24:53,156 --> 00:24:55,236
Speaker 3: not going to solve anything by getting into it. We

506
00:24:55,276 --> 00:24:59,596
Speaker 3: may actually increase division. Can we focus on what unites us?

507
00:24:59,876 --> 00:25:02,676
Speaker 3: What are those precious points of unity that we can

508
00:25:02,716 --> 00:25:04,676
Speaker 3: focus our conversation on, Because.

509
00:25:04,396 --> 00:25:08,756
Speaker 2: I think that that's always the way to go.

510
00:25:09,196 --> 00:25:11,556
Speaker 1: And studies show that when you find stuff that you're

511
00:25:11,756 --> 00:25:14,956
Speaker 1: united on, it can overcome, you know, some of the

512
00:25:15,396 --> 00:25:19,756
Speaker 1: yucky political differences. There's some work, for example, that realizing like, hey,

513
00:25:19,956 --> 00:25:22,276
Speaker 1: we both love the same sports team, Like we are

514
00:25:22,756 --> 00:25:26,236
Speaker 1: huge Patriots fans that can overcome a little bit of

515
00:25:26,276 --> 00:25:28,316
Speaker 1: the divisiveness when it comes to politics.

516
00:25:28,356 --> 00:25:28,556
Speaker 3: You know.

517
00:25:28,636 --> 00:25:30,836
Speaker 1: So if I'm if I'm a liberal and I know

518
00:25:30,916 --> 00:25:33,276
Speaker 1: somebody else is a Patriots fan just like me, then

519
00:25:33,316 --> 00:25:35,236
Speaker 1: it's okay that they voted for Trump because we still

520
00:25:35,276 --> 00:25:37,516
Speaker 1: have this one thing that unites us. And so think

521
00:25:37,556 --> 00:25:40,596
Speaker 1: about the uniting things and talk about those in detail.

522
00:25:41,356 --> 00:25:43,436
Speaker 1: But if you want to get into politics, I think

523
00:25:43,436 --> 00:25:45,996
Speaker 1: this is a spot where the research shows a path forward,

524
00:25:46,436 --> 00:25:50,156
Speaker 1: which is, don't talk about the like the facts of

525
00:25:50,196 --> 00:25:54,076
Speaker 1: the matter, talk about the lived experience and the feelings.

526
00:25:54,836 --> 00:25:57,236
Speaker 1: There's some of this lovely work that's looking at the

527
00:25:57,236 --> 00:26:02,236
Speaker 1: phenomena of perspective, getting asking for people's lived experiences. It's

528
00:26:02,316 --> 00:26:04,436
Speaker 1: kind of similar to these deep questions, but you ask

529
00:26:04,516 --> 00:26:07,076
Speaker 1: you know, when was the time that you felt like,

530
00:26:07,356 --> 00:26:10,396
Speaker 1: you know, you were really struggling. You know, Oh, I see,

531
00:26:10,436 --> 00:26:12,756
Speaker 1: like that's from your perspective, you know, when I think

532
00:26:12,796 --> 00:26:14,876
Speaker 1: of I don't know, people who are going through a

533
00:26:14,916 --> 00:26:17,516
Speaker 1: tough time because of finances, you know, that's what they're

534
00:26:17,556 --> 00:26:19,396
Speaker 1: going through and so on. But it's another way that

535
00:26:19,436 --> 00:26:23,236
Speaker 1: you can talk about lived experiences and values and see

536
00:26:23,276 --> 00:26:25,436
Speaker 1: those things, and you don't have to talk about who

537
00:26:25,436 --> 00:26:27,356
Speaker 1: you've voted for, but you can get into the thick

538
00:26:27,396 --> 00:26:28,716
Speaker 1: of it, which you can kind of give you some

539
00:26:28,796 --> 00:26:31,316
Speaker 1: insight into, you know, where somebody might be coming from,

540
00:26:31,396 --> 00:26:32,956
Speaker 1: if they think a little bit differently than you. You

541
00:26:32,956 --> 00:26:35,636
Speaker 1: don't have to agree with them. But by asking questions

542
00:26:35,676 --> 00:26:38,236
Speaker 1: and trying to learn more, you can often get a

543
00:26:38,236 --> 00:26:39,796
Speaker 1: little bit of compassion.

544
00:26:39,316 --> 00:26:44,036
Speaker 3: Sometimes, Yeah, I think, And there's that Curiosity podcast thing again,

545
00:26:44,196 --> 00:26:45,316
Speaker 3: asking questions.

546
00:26:45,916 --> 00:26:47,276
Speaker 2: No one likes to be lectured too.

547
00:26:48,356 --> 00:26:51,076
Speaker 3: No one likes to have facts that they're unsure of

548
00:26:51,276 --> 00:26:55,356
Speaker 3: kind of spouted at them. And I love that idea

549
00:26:55,476 --> 00:27:01,436
Speaker 3: about talking about lived experience. And you know, like climate

550
00:27:01,476 --> 00:27:04,236
Speaker 3: change is something that's very important to me, and you know,

551
00:27:04,276 --> 00:27:11,156
Speaker 3: renewable resources, regenerative agriculture, you know, climate solutions, climate communications.

552
00:27:11,556 --> 00:27:14,476
Speaker 3: But I wouldn't go to a family gathering and start

553
00:27:14,516 --> 00:27:16,436
Speaker 3: talking about CO two.

554
00:27:16,596 --> 00:27:18,836
Speaker 1: Bring a power point and walk through, you know, point

555
00:27:18,876 --> 00:27:20,076
Speaker 1: by point, Yeah.

556
00:27:19,876 --> 00:27:23,996
Speaker 3: And lecture about oh, you're driving that hummer and here's

557
00:27:24,036 --> 00:27:24,916
Speaker 3: the output.

558
00:27:25,036 --> 00:27:27,836
Speaker 2: And if you drove a Kia, you know.

559
00:27:27,836 --> 00:27:30,356
Speaker 3: You could do like I'm not gonna do any of that,

560
00:27:30,396 --> 00:27:33,036
Speaker 3: but I might talk about how hard it was to

561
00:27:33,916 --> 00:27:39,236
Speaker 3: have had evacuated four different wildfires in the last six

562
00:27:39,356 --> 00:27:44,876
Speaker 3: years in three different houses, which I did undergo and undertook.

563
00:27:45,556 --> 00:27:49,476
Speaker 3: I can talk about how I'm afraid that the you know,

564
00:27:49,476 --> 00:27:52,516
Speaker 3: the Pacific Northwest woods that I loved growing up in

565
00:27:52,596 --> 00:27:56,356
Speaker 3: won't be there for my son or his kids, and

566
00:27:56,436 --> 00:27:58,956
Speaker 3: how can we preserve nature?

567
00:27:59,076 --> 00:28:03,516
Speaker 2: Talk about a shared love of nature. You know, what was.

568
00:28:03,516 --> 00:28:05,276
Speaker 3: It like growing up on that pond or when you

569
00:28:05,276 --> 00:28:06,796
Speaker 3: would go fishing each summer?

570
00:28:06,876 --> 00:28:07,636
Speaker 2: What was that like?

571
00:28:07,796 --> 00:28:12,156
Speaker 3: Because both left and right do want to preserve nature,

572
00:28:12,236 --> 00:28:19,276
Speaker 3: conserve nature, cherish nature, and that's a point of commonality.

573
00:28:19,356 --> 00:28:21,516
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think we forget that we wind up

574
00:28:21,516 --> 00:28:24,116
Speaker 1: having way more of these points of commonality than we think.

575
00:28:24,156 --> 00:28:26,316
Speaker 1: This is another bias of the mind that I think

576
00:28:26,636 --> 00:28:30,156
Speaker 1: just gets even more extreme during the holiday season, which

577
00:28:30,196 --> 00:28:33,476
Speaker 1: is that if you ask, most people agree on most things,

578
00:28:33,716 --> 00:28:37,116
Speaker 1: Like most people care about the environment and don't want it,

579
00:28:37,156 --> 00:28:40,116
Speaker 1: don't want the earth to go away. Most people care about,

580
00:28:40,196 --> 00:28:43,236
Speaker 1: you know, free and fair elections. Most people care that

581
00:28:43,276 --> 00:28:46,516
Speaker 1: people are being respected no matter what their identity is.

582
00:28:46,876 --> 00:28:49,556
Speaker 1: Like if you look at broad strokes, most of us

583
00:28:49,596 --> 00:28:52,676
Speaker 1: agree on most of the issues. The nuance is, like

584
00:28:52,796 --> 00:28:54,756
Speaker 1: you know, in the little things about how we want

585
00:28:54,756 --> 00:28:57,156
Speaker 1: to execute those things. But if you find ways to

586
00:28:57,196 --> 00:28:59,796
Speaker 1: stick to people's broader values, and you do that with

587
00:28:59,916 --> 00:29:03,716
Speaker 1: curiosity and asking questions, getting perspective rather than giving your

588
00:29:03,756 --> 00:29:06,996
Speaker 1: own perspective, you usually wind up and safer territory.

589
00:29:07,516 --> 00:29:10,116
Speaker 2: Well said, well done. All right.

590
00:29:10,756 --> 00:29:13,796
Speaker 1: Here's another one. This is one I can totally relate to.

591
00:29:14,036 --> 00:29:17,716
Speaker 1: It's from an email from Rachel. She says, my mom

592
00:29:17,756 --> 00:29:20,636
Speaker 1: and my partner's mom feel very attached to the holidays

593
00:29:20,876 --> 00:29:23,716
Speaker 1: and have never been okay with quote sharing the holiday

594
00:29:23,756 --> 00:29:26,556
Speaker 1: from year to year. This causes us to split time

595
00:29:26,636 --> 00:29:30,036
Speaker 1: and run around like crazy seeing everyone limiting the actual

596
00:29:30,116 --> 00:29:32,516
Speaker 1: fund that can be had. I hear there's from so

597
00:29:32,636 --> 00:29:36,636
Speaker 1: many families who have young kids. Where are the kids

598
00:29:36,676 --> 00:29:39,596
Speaker 1: going to go? You know for the big holiday moments

599
00:29:39,636 --> 00:29:43,236
Speaker 1: like if you celebrate Christmas Christmas morning? Are the kids

600
00:29:43,236 --> 00:29:45,556
Speaker 1: going to be at my in laws? Or are they

601
00:29:45,556 --> 00:29:49,036
Speaker 1: going to be at my partner's in laws? And families

602
00:29:49,076 --> 00:29:51,316
Speaker 1: feel like they get left out if they don't get chosen.

603
00:29:51,916 --> 00:29:56,036
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's also a lot more split families, divorced families.

604
00:29:56,876 --> 00:30:00,076
Speaker 3: I know people I know one guy every year, friend

605
00:30:00,076 --> 00:30:04,476
Speaker 3: of mine. You know, his ex wife hosts the Thanksgiving

606
00:30:04,516 --> 00:30:11,196
Speaker 3: dinner and he does the day after Thanksgiving barbecue, and

607
00:30:11,236 --> 00:30:12,836
Speaker 3: he's always a little surly about it.

608
00:30:12,836 --> 00:30:16,116
Speaker 2: It's like, why do I have to get the day after?

609
00:30:16,676 --> 00:30:20,796
Speaker 2: Yeh can't? Why can't we alternate? You know? But that's

610
00:30:20,956 --> 00:30:22,236
Speaker 2: just how it is.

611
00:30:22,396 --> 00:30:27,316
Speaker 3: And again, this is adjusting to the holidays. And you know,

612
00:30:28,036 --> 00:30:31,116
Speaker 3: one way to maybe approach this, Laurie, and I'm wondering

613
00:30:31,196 --> 00:30:35,316
Speaker 3: your thoughts on this is in soul Boom we talk

614
00:30:35,356 --> 00:30:40,356
Speaker 3: a lot about spiritual paths and solutions towards mental health

615
00:30:40,356 --> 00:30:43,036
Speaker 3: and making the world a better place, and time and

616
00:30:43,076 --> 00:30:48,236
Speaker 3: time again, this concept of service comes up. And when

617
00:30:48,276 --> 00:30:51,636
Speaker 3: we are in a service mode, we actually increase our

618
00:30:51,676 --> 00:30:54,116
Speaker 3: own happiness. We think that what's going to make us

619
00:30:54,156 --> 00:30:57,356
Speaker 3: happier is getting what we want and setting things up

620
00:30:57,356 --> 00:31:00,836
Speaker 3: so that we get what we want. But oftentimes by

621
00:31:01,316 --> 00:31:04,116
Speaker 3: turning that around where we can walk into a circumstance

622
00:31:04,236 --> 00:31:07,596
Speaker 3: and say, how can I be of service here? You know,

623
00:31:07,676 --> 00:31:10,316
Speaker 3: how can I be of service to my in laws

624
00:31:10,476 --> 00:31:13,756
Speaker 3: and to my mom to give her, you know, the

625
00:31:13,836 --> 00:31:16,596
Speaker 3: Christmas that she wants And you don't want to, of course,

626
00:31:16,756 --> 00:31:21,156
Speaker 3: just sacrifice your needs and suffer, that's not what I'm

627
00:31:21,196 --> 00:31:24,116
Speaker 3: talking about, and not speak up for what's important to you.

628
00:31:24,316 --> 00:31:27,676
Speaker 3: And you know, you have to honor your voice. But

629
00:31:28,596 --> 00:31:30,876
Speaker 3: like for my friend with the barbecue, it's shifting his

630
00:31:31,036 --> 00:31:33,796
Speaker 3: mentality where it's like, this.

631
00:31:33,836 --> 00:31:36,076
Speaker 2: Is what the kids, What do the kids want? This

632
00:31:36,196 --> 00:31:36,956
Speaker 2: is what they like?

633
00:31:37,356 --> 00:31:39,436
Speaker 3: Let maybe of service to my family, I'm going to

634
00:31:39,596 --> 00:31:44,516
Speaker 3: sacrifice a Thanksgiving dinner for the well being of my

635
00:31:45,116 --> 00:31:48,556
Speaker 3: kids from this divorce and then also provide them with

636
00:31:48,596 --> 00:31:55,156
Speaker 3: this barbecue. And so it's shifting into a service mindset.

637
00:31:55,556 --> 00:31:56,596
Speaker 2: What do you think I love it.

638
00:31:56,636 --> 00:31:59,076
Speaker 1: I mean, the research shows that this is exactly the

639
00:31:59,116 --> 00:32:01,196
Speaker 1: way to feel better. You mentioned like, well, you don't

640
00:32:01,236 --> 00:32:03,316
Speaker 1: want to sacrifice too much, but I think what you

641
00:32:03,356 --> 00:32:05,436
Speaker 1: see from the studies is like it's not a sacrifice

642
00:32:05,436 --> 00:32:07,716
Speaker 1: at all. If you can get into that service mindset,

643
00:32:07,756 --> 00:32:10,316
Speaker 1: then you get something out of the act of doing

644
00:32:10,396 --> 00:32:12,476
Speaker 1: something kind for others. And I think this might be

645
00:32:12,516 --> 00:32:14,796
Speaker 1: the path out of it. You know, if you're feeling

646
00:32:14,836 --> 00:32:17,876
Speaker 1: a little rigid about your family coming at a certain

647
00:32:17,916 --> 00:32:20,636
Speaker 1: time and you really thought, like what would be a gift,

648
00:32:20,916 --> 00:32:23,156
Speaker 1: you know, to your young kids who are traveling with

649
00:32:23,196 --> 00:32:25,356
Speaker 1: a toddler, Maybe throw a hair airport and have to

650
00:32:25,396 --> 00:32:28,436
Speaker 1: frantically go from one house to another. You might say, hey,

651
00:32:28,836 --> 00:32:30,916
Speaker 1: let's think about if we could do this a different time.

652
00:32:30,956 --> 00:32:32,436
Speaker 1: We'll do it a week out, We'll do it the

653
00:32:32,436 --> 00:32:34,916
Speaker 1: week after, you know, the holidays, when everything's on sale,

654
00:32:35,076 --> 00:32:37,156
Speaker 1: can get the decorations for cheaper at all, you know,

655
00:32:37,196 --> 00:32:40,516
Speaker 1: the cheap hot chocolate and so on. Like just that act.

656
00:32:40,676 --> 00:32:42,836
Speaker 1: I could imagine that Rachel, who was going through this,

657
00:32:42,876 --> 00:32:46,076
Speaker 1: would say, oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Right,

658
00:32:46,076 --> 00:32:48,436
Speaker 1: But it's this act of remembering that the gifts we

659
00:32:48,516 --> 00:32:51,236
Speaker 1: can give don't have to be gifts. They can really

660
00:32:51,276 --> 00:32:54,476
Speaker 1: be our kindness and our care during these tough times.

661
00:32:54,876 --> 00:32:58,716
Speaker 1: They can also be asking other people for help. So oddly,

662
00:32:59,076 --> 00:33:00,716
Speaker 1: some of the studies show that another way we can

663
00:33:00,756 --> 00:33:03,836
Speaker 1: be of service is to ask for the things we need,

664
00:33:04,236 --> 00:33:06,996
Speaker 1: especially if it's relatively easy for the person we're asking

665
00:33:07,036 --> 00:33:07,436
Speaker 1: to give it.

666
00:33:07,476 --> 00:33:09,036
Speaker 2: Do you have like an example of that how to?

667
00:33:09,236 --> 00:33:10,076
Speaker 2: How does that work? Well?

668
00:33:10,076 --> 00:33:12,756
Speaker 1: We do, in fact, from a happier story from Maria.

669
00:33:12,836 --> 00:33:14,876
Speaker 1: Do you see how good I am at the podcast transitions?

670
00:33:15,036 --> 00:33:18,436
Speaker 2: Oh? Wow, the transitions are so good, so much better

671
00:33:18,476 --> 00:33:19,196
Speaker 2: than my podcast.

672
00:33:19,276 --> 00:33:21,236
Speaker 1: All right, well, well here's for Maria, which I like

673
00:33:21,356 --> 00:33:24,076
Speaker 1: ending this section on dealing with family dynamics with this

674
00:33:24,156 --> 00:33:26,396
Speaker 1: particular example because it's kind of a positive. Well, it

675
00:33:26,436 --> 00:33:28,516
Speaker 1: starts out bad, but it winds up being positive. So

676
00:33:29,196 --> 00:33:32,076
Speaker 1: Maria tells us a story about her worst Christmas where

677
00:33:32,116 --> 00:33:33,876
Speaker 1: she has a fight with her husband a few days

678
00:33:33,876 --> 00:33:36,436
Speaker 1: before Christmas. Doesn't remember what the fight is about, but

679
00:33:36,516 --> 00:33:38,756
Speaker 1: during the fight, she asked the husband do you love

680
00:33:38,836 --> 00:33:41,996
Speaker 1: me anymore? And he starts crying and he says he

681
00:33:42,036 --> 00:33:45,596
Speaker 1: doesn't know. Basically, fast forward, you know, twenty four hours

682
00:33:45,676 --> 00:33:48,676
Speaker 1: or so, it's the end of their entire relationship, the

683
00:33:48,756 --> 00:33:51,716
Speaker 1: end of their marriage. But Maria is about to go

684
00:33:51,836 --> 00:33:54,956
Speaker 1: home to visit her mom over Christmas. Mom loves Christmas,

685
00:33:55,356 --> 00:33:57,276
Speaker 1: and she's a little bit worried that she's going to

686
00:33:57,356 --> 00:34:00,036
Speaker 1: ruin her mom's Christmas by being like, my marriage just ended,

687
00:34:00,076 --> 00:34:03,076
Speaker 1: and is tempted to pretend this isn't happening, to hold

688
00:34:03,076 --> 00:34:05,196
Speaker 1: it in. But here's the part that I think the

689
00:34:05,236 --> 00:34:08,476
Speaker 1: story gets happier. But she notes, then I realize, my mom,

690
00:34:08,516 --> 00:34:11,276
Speaker 1: who's over sick years old, she's had many wonderful Christmases

691
00:34:11,276 --> 00:34:13,116
Speaker 1: in her life. One bad Christmas is not going to

692
00:34:13,156 --> 00:34:15,716
Speaker 1: ruin that for her. And in fact, she would appreciate

693
00:34:15,756 --> 00:34:17,476
Speaker 1: it much more if I reached out to her and

694
00:34:17,516 --> 00:34:19,556
Speaker 1: asked for help. She would be angry if she heard

695
00:34:19,596 --> 00:34:22,796
Speaker 1: later on that I'd suffered alone. So she goes home,

696
00:34:23,236 --> 00:34:25,556
Speaker 1: she tells her mom. She calls her, and of course

697
00:34:25,676 --> 00:34:28,196
Speaker 1: the mom is super happy, because when does a mom

698
00:34:28,276 --> 00:34:30,116
Speaker 1: get to give that kind of present to her daughter

699
00:34:30,116 --> 00:34:32,756
Speaker 1: over Christmas of supporting her through something that's really terrible.

700
00:34:33,876 --> 00:34:36,556
Speaker 1: Other members of the family find out. Maria's worried what

701
00:34:36,636 --> 00:34:39,556
Speaker 1: they're going to say, But of course most people are

702
00:34:39,596 --> 00:34:44,036
Speaker 1: incredibly compassionate, incredibly interested in helping, and it winds up

703
00:34:44,076 --> 00:34:47,676
Speaker 1: being like a warmer, closer feeling Christmas than Maria had

704
00:34:47,676 --> 00:34:50,556
Speaker 1: had before, despite I mean, obviously the sadness of what

705
00:34:50,636 --> 00:34:53,156
Speaker 1: she went through. She ends the story with I hope

706
00:34:53,156 --> 00:34:55,556
Speaker 1: this inspires others to reach out for help too, and

707
00:34:55,596 --> 00:34:58,436
Speaker 1: not to suffer alone. The helper will feel needed, and

708
00:34:58,436 --> 00:35:00,476
Speaker 1: I'm sure it will increase their happiness and sense of

709
00:35:00,516 --> 00:35:01,116
Speaker 1: purpose too.

710
00:35:01,236 --> 00:35:06,116
Speaker 3: Wow and fun fact, you know that's how Maria and

711
00:35:06,156 --> 00:35:09,596
Speaker 3: I met. And she's right here, Maria. He say hi

712
00:35:09,716 --> 00:35:12,396
Speaker 3: to LORI say she took your letter here, come here.

713
00:35:12,796 --> 00:35:15,116
Speaker 1: No, But it makes exactly your point, right This idea

714
00:35:15,196 --> 00:35:18,396
Speaker 1: of service. We forget that if we can shift into

715
00:35:18,396 --> 00:35:21,316
Speaker 1: a service mindset, we feel better. But also if we

716
00:35:21,356 --> 00:35:23,436
Speaker 1: can make it easy for others to shift into a

717
00:35:23,476 --> 00:35:25,636
Speaker 1: service mindset, if we can give them the gift of

718
00:35:25,636 --> 00:35:27,996
Speaker 1: helping us, I think that's huge. And this gets back

719
00:35:27,996 --> 00:35:30,316
Speaker 1: to some of the perfectionism we were talking about before.

720
00:35:30,436 --> 00:35:32,356
Speaker 1: I think a lot of the people that go into

721
00:35:32,396 --> 00:35:36,236
Speaker 1: like perfectionist holiday mode are often bad at asking for

722
00:35:36,396 --> 00:35:39,636
Speaker 1: and receiving help with things. We've all had the family

723
00:35:39,756 --> 00:35:42,556
Speaker 1: the family martyr who does the turkey and does all

724
00:35:42,596 --> 00:35:44,196
Speaker 1: the stuff, and you're like, oh, can I set the table,

725
00:35:44,236 --> 00:35:46,156
Speaker 1: and like, no, no, no, I'm going to do it myself.

726
00:35:46,236 --> 00:35:49,156
Speaker 1: Like think back and realize that you can help others

727
00:35:49,196 --> 00:35:50,956
Speaker 1: by letting them help you a little bit too.

728
00:35:51,116 --> 00:35:51,356
Speaker 2: You know.

729
00:35:52,236 --> 00:35:54,396
Speaker 3: A lot of this too goes back to what we

730
00:35:54,396 --> 00:35:56,276
Speaker 3: were saying at the very beginning, and I think it's

731
00:35:56,356 --> 00:36:02,636
Speaker 3: kind of preparedness and vigilance, and it's proactive communication. I

732
00:36:02,676 --> 00:36:05,556
Speaker 3: imagine I don't know what the circumstances were, but I

733
00:36:05,556 --> 00:36:08,596
Speaker 3: imagine her sharing with her family, Hey, I'm going through

734
00:36:08,596 --> 00:36:09,676
Speaker 3: this really hard time.

735
00:36:10,356 --> 00:36:13,556
Speaker 2: It's a holiday. I could use your support, I could

736
00:36:13,636 --> 00:36:14,596
Speaker 2: use a safe space.

737
00:36:14,716 --> 00:36:17,276
Speaker 3: I could use a space to grieve and to love

738
00:36:17,356 --> 00:36:19,356
Speaker 3: and to just be surrounded by people that love me.

739
00:36:19,796 --> 00:36:21,956
Speaker 3: That would be really important to me. And if you

740
00:36:22,076 --> 00:36:25,116
Speaker 3: hear that, you're like, oh yeah, if yeah, I'm in,

741
00:36:25,236 --> 00:36:27,756
Speaker 3: I'm all in. Of course, how can I yes, be

742
00:36:27,836 --> 00:36:30,156
Speaker 3: a part of that. But part of that is on

743
00:36:30,716 --> 00:36:35,956
Speaker 3: the marias to communicate it well. And this is oftentimes

744
00:36:36,036 --> 00:36:40,156
Speaker 3: what I find with folks is just living in a

745
00:36:40,156 --> 00:36:43,076
Speaker 3: little bit more passive victim state as opposed to like

746
00:36:43,396 --> 00:36:47,756
Speaker 3: a being a protagonist of their life, whether it's showing

747
00:36:47,836 --> 00:36:50,276
Speaker 3: up to be of service or showing up to ask

748
00:36:50,316 --> 00:36:51,516
Speaker 3: for your needs to be met.

749
00:36:51,716 --> 00:36:53,476
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think we can apply this to so

750
00:36:53,516 --> 00:36:55,116
Speaker 1: many of the things we talked about. You know, let's

751
00:36:55,116 --> 00:36:57,556
Speaker 1: get back to politics. That really tricky one for so

752
00:36:57,636 --> 00:37:00,596
Speaker 1: many individuals. I think you can just start with you know,

753
00:37:00,796 --> 00:37:03,356
Speaker 1: I've been feeling really burned out, have a tough year.

754
00:37:03,716 --> 00:37:05,396
Speaker 1: What I would really love is just for all of

755
00:37:05,476 --> 00:37:07,356
Speaker 1: us to just you know, put that to the side

756
00:37:07,356 --> 00:37:09,876
Speaker 1: this year, Right, that feels really different. Then I disagree

757
00:37:09,876 --> 00:37:11,716
Speaker 1: with your politics, Dad, and so we're not going to

758
00:37:11,716 --> 00:37:13,596
Speaker 1: talk about it, but like, what I really want is

759
00:37:13,636 --> 00:37:15,796
Speaker 1: just some closeness. Can we just talk about old times

760
00:37:15,836 --> 00:37:18,596
Speaker 1: and you know it just there's ways to ask for

761
00:37:18,676 --> 00:37:21,356
Speaker 1: help that make it easy for folks to grant you

762
00:37:21,396 --> 00:37:23,396
Speaker 1: what you need and then everybody's happy.

763
00:37:23,676 --> 00:37:25,916
Speaker 2: Nice. I love it all. Right.

764
00:37:26,036 --> 00:37:28,596
Speaker 1: Now we're jumping to the third holiday woe that we

765
00:37:28,676 --> 00:37:31,316
Speaker 1: heard about a lot kind of maybe built up a

766
00:37:31,356 --> 00:37:33,756
Speaker 1: little bit from Maria's story. A lot of us are

767
00:37:33,756 --> 00:37:37,476
Speaker 1: going through sometimes of grief and loss and loneliness during

768
00:37:37,516 --> 00:37:40,796
Speaker 1: the holidays. Here's an email from Mindy. One thing I

769
00:37:40,796 --> 00:37:44,036
Speaker 1: struggle with at the holidays is anticipating the loss I feel.

770
00:37:44,396 --> 00:37:47,436
Speaker 1: Both of my maternal grandparents died in early December. My

771
00:37:47,516 --> 00:37:50,396
Speaker 1: father died a month before Christmas, and my mother is

772
00:37:50,436 --> 00:37:53,396
Speaker 1: currently dying from als and will be gone before the holidays.

773
00:37:53,916 --> 00:37:58,396
Speaker 1: What are the holidays without our grandparents and parents? This

774
00:37:58,476 --> 00:38:00,796
Speaker 1: is something I know you talk a lot about on

775
00:38:00,916 --> 00:38:04,476
Speaker 1: soul boom right thinking about spirituality, and one of the

776
00:38:04,476 --> 00:38:07,476
Speaker 1: things we use our spiritual experiences for is to navigate

777
00:38:07,996 --> 00:38:12,236
Speaker 1: grief and loss, especially during these like emotionally fraught times.

778
00:38:12,676 --> 00:38:15,756
Speaker 1: So any ideas about how to get through this, well.

779
00:38:15,636 --> 00:38:18,276
Speaker 2: That's a great question and a really great topic.

780
00:38:18,316 --> 00:38:20,316
Speaker 3: And I love that you're covering this because I don't

781
00:38:20,316 --> 00:38:23,876
Speaker 3: think that this has covered a lot in podcasts or

782
00:38:24,116 --> 00:38:25,996
Speaker 3: conversations about happiness.

783
00:38:26,276 --> 00:38:28,316
Speaker 2: Yes, it's like, how.

784
00:38:29,676 --> 00:38:33,036
Speaker 3: How do we navigate happiness and well being when we're

785
00:38:33,076 --> 00:38:38,436
Speaker 3: really dealing with grief, loss and death. And you're absolutely right,

786
00:38:38,596 --> 00:38:42,076
Speaker 3: like the holidays can bring up people that we lost

787
00:38:42,356 --> 00:38:44,316
Speaker 3: during the year. It can be people that we lost

788
00:38:44,676 --> 00:38:47,116
Speaker 3: that we miss that used to be there and are

789
00:38:47,116 --> 00:38:50,476
Speaker 3: no longer there, are sick or what have you. And

790
00:38:50,956 --> 00:38:53,276
Speaker 3: you know, contemporary American culture, we don't talk a lot

791
00:38:53,276 --> 00:38:55,836
Speaker 3: about this stuff. You know, we tend to kind of like, oh,

792
00:38:55,876 --> 00:38:57,836
Speaker 3: I don't want to bum everyone out, so we're not

793
00:38:57,876 --> 00:39:01,876
Speaker 3: going to talk about what we're grieving or what have you.

794
00:39:02,036 --> 00:39:05,116
Speaker 3: I'm I'm a little bit of an overshare kind of person.

795
00:39:05,516 --> 00:39:12,076
Speaker 3: Maybe it's also being from California, but chronic oversharing, but

796
00:39:13,396 --> 00:39:15,636
Speaker 3: you know, perhaps it's carving out some.

797
00:39:15,756 --> 00:39:18,636
Speaker 2: Time to honor the grief.

798
00:39:18,636 --> 00:39:21,756
Speaker 3: It's almost like the oscars in memoriam, like, Okay, we're

799
00:39:21,796 --> 00:39:23,836
Speaker 3: going to take four minutes now to show the slide

800
00:39:23,876 --> 00:39:25,996
Speaker 3: show of the people that died this last year, just

801
00:39:25,996 --> 00:39:30,076
Speaker 3: to kind of like have a somber note and honor that.

802
00:39:30,196 --> 00:39:32,956
Speaker 3: And I think that's great, but maybe maybe on a

803
00:39:33,316 --> 00:39:35,356
Speaker 3: family level and this would I think be hard for

804
00:39:35,396 --> 00:39:39,116
Speaker 3: a lot of people to initiate. It's kind of like,

805
00:39:39,236 --> 00:39:43,556
Speaker 3: can we come together and say a prayer for Aunt

806
00:39:43,636 --> 00:39:46,876
Speaker 3: Judy who's sick or Uncle Bob who passed away last year?

807
00:39:47,076 --> 00:39:49,156
Speaker 3: Can everyone can we go around the circle and say,

808
00:39:49,756 --> 00:39:52,876
Speaker 3: you know who we miss or how we might be

809
00:39:52,956 --> 00:39:55,796
Speaker 3: grieving or are going through. Because when you give it

810
00:39:55,836 --> 00:39:59,036
Speaker 3: the space and honor it, then you can celebrate and

811
00:39:59,076 --> 00:40:01,516
Speaker 3: it's not weighing on you like a wet blanket. You know,

812
00:40:01,596 --> 00:40:05,556
Speaker 3: you can just take five, ten, fifteen minutes to do that,

813
00:40:05,636 --> 00:40:09,796
Speaker 3: and then you can have days of joy because you've

814
00:40:09,836 --> 00:40:13,836
Speaker 3: taken the time to you know, to recognize what's real.

815
00:40:14,396 --> 00:40:16,356
Speaker 1: I think this is so critical. I mean, one of

816
00:40:16,356 --> 00:40:18,756
Speaker 1: the things we know about negative emotions is that like

817
00:40:19,196 --> 00:40:21,956
Speaker 1: negative emotions, when you have to feel them, they don't

818
00:40:22,076 --> 00:40:24,556
Speaker 1: last as long as we think, right. I mean, obviously

819
00:40:24,596 --> 00:40:26,676
Speaker 1: the grief of losing a loved one lasts a lot,

820
00:40:26,716 --> 00:40:29,196
Speaker 1: but those moments when it comes up, it's not gonna

821
00:40:29,276 --> 00:40:31,676
Speaker 1: last forever. The problem is that we kind of suppress

822
00:40:31,716 --> 00:40:34,716
Speaker 1: those emotions down. We say, nope, this holiday season, we can't,

823
00:40:34,756 --> 00:40:36,636
Speaker 1: you know, think about Grandpa. We have to pretend that

824
00:40:36,676 --> 00:40:40,436
Speaker 1: everybody's perfect. But when we allow time to just sit

825
00:40:40,516 --> 00:40:44,116
Speaker 1: there and like radically accept our emotions, the studies show

826
00:40:44,156 --> 00:40:47,436
Speaker 1: that those emotions wind up passing a little bit better.

827
00:40:47,476 --> 00:40:49,236
Speaker 1: Like when you sit down to feel the grief, you're

828
00:40:49,276 --> 00:40:51,596
Speaker 1: going to feel it, and if you allow yourself to

829
00:40:51,636 --> 00:40:54,516
Speaker 1: do that, you'll give yourself some space. But then, just

830
00:40:54,516 --> 00:40:56,836
Speaker 1: as you said, it's like, Okay, now I can make

831
00:40:56,876 --> 00:40:59,796
Speaker 1: space for the joy because I'm not using part of

832
00:40:59,796 --> 00:41:02,116
Speaker 1: my frontal lobe to hold down the grief that I'm

833
00:41:02,116 --> 00:41:04,596
Speaker 1: feeling about Grandpa for the whole Christmas season. I gave

834
00:41:04,596 --> 00:41:07,636
Speaker 1: myself some space to experience that, and I think that's

835
00:41:07,796 --> 00:41:11,036
Speaker 1: so important. Happy holidays doesn't have to mean that we're

836
00:41:11,036 --> 00:41:14,116
Speaker 1: happy all the time at every moment. It's like, you know,

837
00:41:14,156 --> 00:41:16,356
Speaker 1: a ten out of ten on joy for every second.

838
00:41:16,876 --> 00:41:18,956
Speaker 1: Like there's a lot of nostalgia there, there's a lot

839
00:41:19,036 --> 00:41:20,996
Speaker 1: of past coming up, there's a lot of dealing with

840
00:41:21,076 --> 00:41:23,476
Speaker 1: tough things. We need to make space for all the

841
00:41:23,556 --> 00:41:25,996
Speaker 1: emotions that come through it, and that lets those emotions

842
00:41:26,076 --> 00:41:29,156
Speaker 1: kind of take their course and go on their merry way.

843
00:41:29,596 --> 00:41:33,236
Speaker 3: That's so well said. I met this old twelve step

844
00:41:33,316 --> 00:41:35,836
Speaker 3: guy once and he said, the only way out is through,

845
00:41:36,556 --> 00:41:40,836
Speaker 3: meaning like, the only way to be relieved of with

846
00:41:40,916 --> 00:41:44,156
Speaker 3: a burden of whatever grief you're feeling is to go

847
00:41:44,236 --> 00:41:46,956
Speaker 3: through it. And like you say, it can be really scary,

848
00:41:47,956 --> 00:41:52,036
Speaker 3: but it's oftentimes briefer and easier than we think it's going.

849
00:41:51,996 --> 00:41:54,676
Speaker 1: To be and more socially shared. Right you bring it up,

850
00:41:54,716 --> 00:41:57,476
Speaker 1: and it's like, even if someone's not grieving the exact

851
00:41:57,516 --> 00:41:59,996
Speaker 1: person you're grieving, and if their loss is not the same,

852
00:42:00,436 --> 00:42:02,796
Speaker 1: I bet that pretty much everyone you interact with during

853
00:42:02,836 --> 00:42:05,836
Speaker 1: the holiday season is going through something that's making them sad,

854
00:42:05,876 --> 00:42:08,516
Speaker 1: some loss, something that feels different than they'd like it

855
00:42:08,516 --> 00:42:10,956
Speaker 1: to be, and so opening up space for other people

856
00:42:10,996 --> 00:42:13,236
Speaker 1: to share that stuff can be really important for our

857
00:42:13,236 --> 00:42:16,716
Speaker 1: happiness too. That's great, But that connection leads me to

858
00:42:16,756 --> 00:42:19,076
Speaker 1: the next thing that people go through, which is loneliness.

859
00:42:19,156 --> 00:42:22,836
Speaker 1: During the holiday season, all our social media feeds are

860
00:42:22,836 --> 00:42:25,996
Speaker 1: filled with people caroling and hanging out and having dinner together,

861
00:42:26,396 --> 00:42:28,436
Speaker 1: but there's a lot of folks who are feeling lonely,

862
00:42:28,516 --> 00:42:31,196
Speaker 1: either because they've had a recent loss or just because

863
00:42:31,196 --> 00:42:34,676
Speaker 1: they're alone. We had one anonymous commentator on YouTube saying

864
00:42:34,676 --> 00:42:37,716
Speaker 1: that his holiday woe is quote being lonely and just

865
00:42:37,756 --> 00:42:40,396
Speaker 1: not having somebody to spend the holiday moments with, sort

866
00:42:40,396 --> 00:42:43,156
Speaker 1: of this feeling of watching others have and experience happy

867
00:42:43,156 --> 00:42:45,996
Speaker 1: moments and feeling like that might never happen to me.

868
00:42:46,716 --> 00:42:49,596
Speaker 1: I think during holidays it can feel like everybody is

869
00:42:49,636 --> 00:42:53,236
Speaker 1: happy and being social and you're not. Sometimes, even if

870
00:42:53,236 --> 00:42:55,036
Speaker 1: you're in a big group of family or a big

871
00:42:55,036 --> 00:42:58,956
Speaker 1: group of people, we can experience the deepest loneliness there. So,

872
00:42:59,076 --> 00:43:01,116
Speaker 1: what are some strategies for feeling a little bit more

873
00:43:01,156 --> 00:43:03,756
Speaker 1: connected during the holiday season, especially if you're kind of

874
00:43:03,756 --> 00:43:04,676
Speaker 1: feeling a little lonely.

875
00:43:05,156 --> 00:43:08,956
Speaker 3: Well, my first experience of this had to do in

876
00:43:09,156 --> 00:43:14,036
Speaker 3: an episode of Happy Days where Arthur Fonzarelli, who's so cool,

877
00:43:14,236 --> 00:43:17,756
Speaker 3: you know, and beloved by everyone and can get any

878
00:43:17,756 --> 00:43:20,876
Speaker 3: girl he wants, and he's got his motorcycle and his

879
00:43:20,916 --> 00:43:23,756
Speaker 3: pinball machine and his garage and stuff like that, and

880
00:43:23,796 --> 00:43:26,236
Speaker 3: they Richie Cunningham realizes.

881
00:43:25,796 --> 00:43:27,916
Speaker 2: He's spending Christmas alone.

882
00:43:28,756 --> 00:43:31,796
Speaker 3: And he's cooking a can of soup, and so they

883
00:43:31,836 --> 00:43:36,356
Speaker 3: invite the Fonds over to the Cunninghams.

884
00:43:36,196 --> 00:43:37,916
Speaker 2: And all is saved.

885
00:43:38,356 --> 00:43:42,916
Speaker 3: But in all seriousness, you know, I'm sure you've spoken

886
00:43:42,956 --> 00:43:46,196
Speaker 3: about this a ton. We're in this loneliness epidemic. Yes,

887
00:43:46,836 --> 00:43:51,636
Speaker 3: and especially with young people. A lot of times people

888
00:43:51,676 --> 00:43:55,636
Speaker 3: are feeling more and more not just isolated lonely, but

889
00:43:55,836 --> 00:43:59,876
Speaker 3: lonely while in groups of other people, lonely while at work,

890
00:43:59,916 --> 00:44:01,196
Speaker 3: lonely while at school.

891
00:44:01,276 --> 00:44:03,676
Speaker 1: And I think this happens in families a lot, especially

892
00:44:03,676 --> 00:44:06,436
Speaker 1: if you're feeling disconnected, you're sitting around the dinner table,

893
00:44:06,476 --> 00:44:09,876
Speaker 1: feeling like I don't belong, I don't can to these people.

894
00:44:10,076 --> 00:44:13,116
Speaker 3: Yeah, so you know, I just want to honor that

895
00:44:13,156 --> 00:44:14,836
Speaker 3: this is a very real thing.

896
00:44:15,436 --> 00:44:15,676
Speaker 2: You know.

897
00:44:15,876 --> 00:44:19,236
Speaker 3: I think the work on loneliness has to be done

898
00:44:19,236 --> 00:44:22,316
Speaker 3: way before it's Christmas time, you know. So I think it's, uh,

899
00:44:22,996 --> 00:44:25,996
Speaker 3: that's a good time for some therapy. It's you know,

900
00:44:26,076 --> 00:44:26,996
Speaker 3: going on meetup.

901
00:44:27,076 --> 00:44:27,796
Speaker 2: It's it's.

902
00:44:29,396 --> 00:44:34,556
Speaker 3: Little by little, bit by bit exerting yourself into areas

903
00:44:34,596 --> 00:44:37,756
Speaker 3: where you might feel a little bit of discomfort. Join

904
00:44:37,796 --> 00:44:41,196
Speaker 3: a bowling league or a kickball league, or a Dungeons

905
00:44:41,196 --> 00:44:44,236
Speaker 3: and Dragons game, join a park cleanup.

906
00:44:44,516 --> 00:44:45,196
Speaker 2: There's this.

907
00:44:46,756 --> 00:44:50,116
Speaker 3: Nonprofit in our area called Food Forward where they get

908
00:44:50,116 --> 00:44:53,316
Speaker 3: and they pick stuff from the orchards around to give

909
00:44:53,556 --> 00:44:55,276
Speaker 3: out a food kitchens.

910
00:44:55,316 --> 00:44:58,316
Speaker 2: And the camaraderie is amazing.

911
00:44:58,516 --> 00:45:01,396
Speaker 3: They come over and they pick your extravocados and lemons

912
00:45:01,436 --> 00:45:03,836
Speaker 3: and stuff like that, and and you know it's going

913
00:45:03,876 --> 00:45:06,196
Speaker 3: to good and they're having such a good time doing it.

914
00:45:06,796 --> 00:45:10,716
Speaker 3: You know, finding places to volunteer, and maybe volunteering around

915
00:45:10,716 --> 00:45:12,956
Speaker 3: the holidays is always a good idea too, a soup

916
00:45:13,076 --> 00:45:16,396
Speaker 3: kitchen or something like that. These all sound kind of obvious.

917
00:45:16,436 --> 00:45:17,636
Speaker 2: I don't know, but I think they have.

918
00:45:18,116 --> 00:45:20,436
Speaker 1: I think you are offering something important, right. You're getting

919
00:45:20,476 --> 00:45:22,236
Speaker 1: back to what you talked about before, which is this

920
00:45:22,316 --> 00:45:24,956
Speaker 1: idea of service. And just one thing we know about

921
00:45:24,956 --> 00:45:28,476
Speaker 1: the psychology of loneliness is that a really good cure

922
00:45:28,516 --> 00:45:31,356
Speaker 1: for loneliness is reaching out to other people. It's like

923
00:45:31,516 --> 00:45:34,196
Speaker 1: thinking of your own service is trying to make other

924
00:45:34,276 --> 00:45:37,196
Speaker 1: people less lonely or make other people happy in other ways.

925
00:45:37,516 --> 00:45:39,116
Speaker 1: And so I think you're getting at it. If you're

926
00:45:39,116 --> 00:45:41,596
Speaker 1: feeling lonely in the holiday season, reach out to a

927
00:45:41,596 --> 00:45:43,796
Speaker 1: person that you think might be a need or that

928
00:45:43,836 --> 00:45:46,196
Speaker 1: you think might be lonely, and just check in, not

929
00:45:46,356 --> 00:45:48,956
Speaker 1: for the goal of trying to feel less lonely yourself,

930
00:45:49,276 --> 00:45:52,716
Speaker 1: but just to say I'm solving the loneliest crisis around me.

931
00:45:52,956 --> 00:45:56,156
Speaker 1: And studies show that it'll make you feel a little

932
00:45:56,196 --> 00:45:59,076
Speaker 1: boost of belonging, a little boost of social connection, and

933
00:45:59,076 --> 00:46:01,556
Speaker 1: then you create these ripple effects that wind up making

934
00:46:01,716 --> 00:46:03,956
Speaker 1: everybody feel a little bit happier.

935
00:46:04,236 --> 00:46:08,436
Speaker 3: But isn't part of the problem texting, because yes, I

936
00:46:08,636 --> 00:46:11,516
Speaker 3: make a lot of calls and I have like I

937
00:46:11,516 --> 00:46:14,556
Speaker 3: have a couple buddies I just talked to several times

938
00:46:14,596 --> 00:46:17,716
Speaker 3: a week, and we just like catch up on movies.

939
00:46:17,796 --> 00:46:21,716
Speaker 3: How's it going, what's going on? And it's really old fashioned.

940
00:46:21,716 --> 00:46:25,396
Speaker 3: It's boo boo boo boo boop, Hey, how's it going?

941
00:46:25,516 --> 00:46:25,636
Speaker 2: Like?

942
00:46:26,436 --> 00:46:29,236
Speaker 3: And they used to say, oh, phone is so disconnecting.

943
00:46:29,276 --> 00:46:32,156
Speaker 3: It's being in person, and obviously being in person, but

944
00:46:33,116 --> 00:46:33,756
Speaker 3: you know, can we.

945
00:46:33,716 --> 00:46:34,956
Speaker 2: Get a coffee? Calling?

946
00:46:35,116 --> 00:46:37,716
Speaker 3: Just calling to I just called to say I love you.

947
00:46:37,916 --> 00:46:40,436
Speaker 3: I'm just calling to check in on you. Because we

948
00:46:40,476 --> 00:46:44,956
Speaker 3: can feel connected. It's a fake kind of connection when

949
00:46:44,956 --> 00:46:47,356
Speaker 3: we text someone say how's it going, Hey, how are

950
00:46:47,356 --> 00:46:48,156
Speaker 3: you good?

951
00:46:48,196 --> 00:46:48,596
Speaker 2: All right?

952
00:46:48,716 --> 00:46:49,156
Speaker 3: You cool?

953
00:46:49,196 --> 00:46:53,796
Speaker 2: All right later? It's not soul satisfying, right.

954
00:46:54,156 --> 00:46:56,316
Speaker 3: And social media is the same way, Like you can

955
00:46:56,356 --> 00:46:58,956
Speaker 3: post a picture of your cat and get thirty seven

956
00:46:59,516 --> 00:47:02,076
Speaker 3: hearts on it and feel like you have thirty seven friends,

957
00:47:02,956 --> 00:47:06,556
Speaker 3: but it's not a real connection around your cat.

958
00:47:06,676 --> 00:47:10,836
Speaker 1: Yeah, the science shows best connection, most newutritious, psychologically nutritious

959
00:47:10,876 --> 00:47:13,436
Speaker 1: connection is at least in real time. You know, so

960
00:47:13,556 --> 00:47:15,356
Speaker 1: the phone you're picking up and you say, hey, how's

961
00:47:15,396 --> 00:47:17,036
Speaker 1: it going? You say, oh Hi, it's not like a

962
00:47:17,076 --> 00:47:19,356
Speaker 1: text like voop how's it going? And then voop back.

963
00:47:19,716 --> 00:47:21,836
Speaker 1: But all that said, you know, if all you got

964
00:47:21,876 --> 00:47:24,196
Speaker 1: is time to text, do that rather than nothing.

965
00:47:24,316 --> 00:47:24,516
Speaker 3: Right.

966
00:47:24,916 --> 00:47:26,996
Speaker 1: But yeah, calling on the phone, or if you want

967
00:47:26,996 --> 00:47:29,636
Speaker 1: to get a big technological advancement, you can use these

968
00:47:29,676 --> 00:47:33,516
Speaker 1: other video tools. We have Skype, FaceTime. If you don't

969
00:47:33,516 --> 00:47:36,236
Speaker 1: have a landline, like Rain, feel free to use your

970
00:47:36,556 --> 00:47:40,556
Speaker 1: iPhone to someone else the video like the little camera feature.

971
00:47:40,716 --> 00:47:41,476
Speaker 2: I send facts.

972
00:47:42,116 --> 00:47:43,516
Speaker 3: I still send facts.

973
00:47:43,996 --> 00:47:46,076
Speaker 1: One of the best forms of social connection during the

974
00:47:46,076 --> 00:47:48,516
Speaker 1: holiday season. Did you get my holiday facts?

975
00:47:48,956 --> 00:47:50,636
Speaker 2: Facts? You can't get my facts.

976
00:47:51,636 --> 00:47:53,756
Speaker 1: I had such a blast hanging out with Rain Wilson.

977
00:47:54,156 --> 00:47:56,156
Speaker 1: Thanks so much to every listener who sent in a

978
00:47:56,156 --> 00:47:59,596
Speaker 1: holiday woe for us to chew on. Unfortunately, there were

979
00:47:59,676 --> 00:48:01,916
Speaker 1: lots of your tough questions that we didn't have time

980
00:48:01,916 --> 00:48:05,116
Speaker 1: to fit into a single show. But I asked Rain

981
00:48:05,196 --> 00:48:07,796
Speaker 1: to come back next week to offer even more sage

982
00:48:07,836 --> 00:48:10,916
Speaker 1: seasonal advice. So be sure to join Me and Rain

983
00:48:11,036 --> 00:48:14,236
Speaker 1: next time for more holiday insights on the Happiness Lab

984
00:48:14,396 --> 00:48:16,116
Speaker 1: with me Doctor Laury Santos