Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is great to have
Speaker 1: you here. Back for another episode. Today, we are talking
Speaker 1: about something I think all of us have struggled with
Speaker 1: at some point in our lives, and that is why
Speaker 1: we are so hard on ourselves. Like all the time.
Speaker 1: It feels like this is the generation of self criticism
Speaker 1: as humans, and I think particularly in our twenties, where
Speaker 1: often our harshest critics. We tirelessly scrutinize every little decision,
Speaker 1: every action, every outcome in our lives. Why am I
Speaker 1: such a failure? Why did I say that? Why don't
Speaker 1: I look like them? I must be doing something wrong?
Speaker 1: And we constantly strive for perfection, expecting ourselves to reach
Speaker 1: these impossible standards that we've never really held for anyone
Speaker 1: else in our lives. But I think it's really interesting
Speaker 1: to examine why we put ourselves through this. What kind
Speaker 1: of drives this in a critic, in this relentless pursuit
Speaker 1: of being flawless or perfect. The other irony of self
Speaker 1: criticism that I find really fascinating but also a bit
Speaker 1: disturbing or interesting, is that we speak to ourselves in
Speaker 1: a way that we would never dream of doing so
Speaker 1: to others. So why do we find it so hard
Speaker 1: to give ourselves the same grace, the same love, the
Speaker 1: same forgiveness that we give people like our family, like
Speaker 1: our friends, like our partners. So today we are going
Speaker 1: to peel back the layers of our inner critic and
Speaker 1: examine some of the evolutionary, biological, social roots of why
Speaker 1: we are so hard on ourselves. A lot of the
Speaker 1: theory says that it may actually come down to survival,
Speaker 1: whereby we are overly self critical to avoid stepping out
Speaker 1: of line or acting against a societal norm so that
Speaker 1: we can be accepted, or in the case of things
Speaker 1: like self deprecating humor, we use that to make ourselves
Speaker 1: feel and seem more agreeable, or to mask our insecurities
Speaker 1: and protect ourselves. It all kind of comes down to,
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, our existence as social creatures,
Speaker 1: and further to that, of course, our childhood. The words
Speaker 1: spoken to us as children, either by parents, by peers,
Speaker 1: by teachers, they become the words we speak to ourselves
Speaker 1: as adults. And a lot of that has to do
Speaker 1: with feeling like we need to earn love, we need
Speaker 1: to earn support, to earn the good things in our
Speaker 1: lives and be absolutely perfect or else we're not worth
Speaker 1: that kind of treatment. So let's discuss We're going to
Speaker 1: talk about the origins of this nasty in a critic,
Speaker 1: but also how we can silence that in a voice.
Speaker 1: This episode, it's not about dwelling in the negativity. It's
Speaker 1: about gaining awareness, embracing vulnerability, and ultimately, I think, finding
Speaker 1: compassion for ourselves amidst all of our imperfections. I also
Speaker 1: really want to deep dive into some pretty I would
Speaker 1: say innovative new therapeutic practices that have come about recently,
Speaker 1: including radical self compassion and cognitive diffusion. These are both
Speaker 1: amazing practices and skill that can help us kind of
Speaker 1: silence that little mean voice in our head. I'm really
Speaker 1: keen for this episode. I hope you are too, So
Speaker 1: without further ado, let's get into the psychology behind why
Speaker 1: we are so hard on ourselves. I think I've recently
Speaker 1: become quite cognizant of the fact that, for the longest time,
Speaker 1: maybe the majority of my life, I have always been
Speaker 1: my own worst critic, the loudest voice in my head,
Speaker 1: constantly drowning out all the positive things in my life
Speaker 1: with negative predictions and self doubt, kind of honing that
Speaker 1: spotlight in on everything that I'm doing wrong and ignoring
Speaker 1: all the good things. That even got to the point
Speaker 1: where I was becoming self critical about how much I
Speaker 1: was self critical. I would have these thoughts about how
Speaker 1: I was so stupid or I'd messed up, and then
Speaker 1: an even louder voice would jump in and and scold
Speaker 1: me for being like that, and neither of these voices
Speaker 1: was particularly kind or helpful. So I've also become really
Speaker 1: fascinated with the why. As someone who is obviously really
Speaker 1: interested in psychology, it can be really hard to not
Speaker 1: seek an explanation for these kinds of behaviors and know
Speaker 1: that there is possibly a very logical, scientific, robust underpinning
Speaker 1: or kind of cause. I think it also minimizes I
Speaker 1: think some of the shame and the personal blame that
Speaker 1: often accompanies self criticism and in this instance. There are
Speaker 1: so many explanations that explain why we are so hard
Speaker 1: on ourselves. So self criticism. It's this tendency to evaluate
Speaker 1: ourselves extremely harshly and to scrutinize our actions, our performance,
Speaker 1: our behavior, our body, our relationship, most every aspects of
Speaker 1: our lives. It's distinct from self awareness and the occasional
Speaker 1: self policing in that it's a very automatic self criticism,
Speaker 1: self blame. It often feels like it's beyond our control
Speaker 1: and our default in any situation. Our default mental pattern
Speaker 1: is to actively blame ourselves and find our faults rather
Speaker 1: than see a situation objectively. B it's excessively negative and maladaptive.
Speaker 1: It goes against our best interests, and it actually undermines
Speaker 1: some of that helpful productive behavior and coping mechanisms. Because
Speaker 1: this voice is so unnecessarily cruel. C is that we
Speaker 1: believe it, Unlike I think the occasional bad thought about
Speaker 1: others that we can dismiss or call ourselves out for.
Speaker 1: When we are hard on ourselves, the only person who
Speaker 1: can validate that belief is us, and so we tend
Speaker 1: to believe these negative thoughts. We tend to really take
Speaker 1: them on board because they voice the opinion that is
Speaker 1: with us the most in our lives is our own,
Speaker 1: so it's the one that we trust the most as well.
Speaker 1: And finally, d it negatively impacts our lives. We may
Speaker 1: find ourselves skipping social events or going out, not putting
Speaker 1: ourselves out there dating people who treat us poorly, or
Speaker 1: ruminating on our failures to a point where we can't
Speaker 1: move on, and we do become stuck in that moment
Speaker 1: and stuck in that thought spiral. All of these things,
Speaker 1: I think really detract from the now but also from
Speaker 1: our reality, and they make it incredibly hard to be
Speaker 1: gentle and to have a kind mind and a really
Speaker 1: soft internal space for us to thrive. All of their
Speaker 1: stems from what we call in pop psychology, the inner critic,
Speaker 1: this sub personality, this almost separate, unconscious entity that judges
Speaker 1: and demeans us. The inner critic is the voice in
Speaker 1: our head telling us that we are worthless or shaming us.
Speaker 1: And it's been theorized that it's actually a manifestation of
Speaker 1: our ego, more specifically what Freud called our super ego.
Speaker 1: So this super ego is something that we all kind
Speaker 1: of develop in early childhood, and it's that part of
Speaker 1: us that internalizes all the things that society wants us
Speaker 1: to do, or the lessons from our parents, or the scolding,
Speaker 1: and it automatically censors our behavior. It's this kind of
Speaker 1: unconscious mechanism for regulating our actions, and that's basically where
Speaker 1: the inner critic comes from. It's natural to have this
Speaker 1: impulse control right, to have our ego over ride some
Speaker 1: of those extreme impulses. Otherwise our society would kind of
Speaker 1: fall into anarchy. But when that inner critic is given
Speaker 1: too much control, instead of moderating certain behaviors, it absolutely
Speaker 1: paralyzes us. And I think one of the major ironies
Speaker 1: of self criticism is that whilst we are constantly putting
Speaker 1: ourselves down and very carefully self monitoring every little behavior
Speaker 1: for some perceived fault, we rarely level that same amount
Speaker 1: or severity of criticism against others. We have no problem
Speaker 1: celebrating our friends, accepting their failures, overlooking small things, hyping
Speaker 1: them up, but we cannot treat ourselves in the same way.
Speaker 1: There's actually a very rational scientific explanation behind why this
Speaker 1: may be. Some researchers have proposed that we actually use
Speaker 1: different areas of our brain for judging others and judging ourselves,
Speaker 1: because we are more attuned to our own behavior for
Speaker 1: survival a lot less than the behavior of others. In
Speaker 1: one study conducted in the US, they actually examined this
Speaker 1: and what they did was they got participants to respond
Speaker 1: to a series of situations either from a place of
Speaker 1: self criticism or self reassurance. For example, they may have
Speaker 1: been told that they just received a rejection letter for
Speaker 1: a job, and they were instructed to either speak kindly
Speaker 1: to themselves or to self criticize. Whilst they were doing this,
Speaker 1: they had them hooked up to an fMRI machine. This
Speaker 1: basically examines where blood is kind of flowing in the brain,
Speaker 1: and the logic is that when an area of the
Speaker 1: brain is active, it needs more blood. So therefore we
Speaker 1: can link the current behavior with the specific cortex or region,
Speaker 1: and the results reveals this very significant association between self
Speaker 1: criticism and the prefrontal cortext the part of our brain
Speaker 1: that is involved in regulating our thoughts and our emotions,
Speaker 1: but also in error detection and resolution, as well as
Speaker 1: behavioral response inhibition, preventing us from doing things that are
Speaker 1: life threatening or maybe embarrassing. And what this essentially concluded
Speaker 1: is that self criticism, as demeaning and awful as it is,
Speaker 1: may actually have an evolutionary role in keeping us safe
Speaker 1: from things like dangerous, repetitive behaviors and possibly life threatening errors. However,
Speaker 1: when it gets out of control, the opposite is also true.
Speaker 1: That's just one kind of biological possibility amongst many. The
Speaker 1: other one has to do with temperament and personality. The
Speaker 1: leading theory around why we are so hard on ourselves
Speaker 1: is that self criticism is a negative personality trait that
Speaker 1: we all innately possess. But this trait exists on a
Speaker 1: spectrum or a continuum, and those of us who possess
Speaker 1: this very loud inner critic a measuring higher on self
Speaker 1: criticism as a personality trait. Some of that comes from
Speaker 1: our temperament, maybe our DNA, you know, the mystery of
Speaker 1: where personality comes from. It's still a bit of a
Speaker 1: black box in psychology, but we do know that personality
Speaker 1: traits like self criticism are a combination of nature, that
Speaker 1: being our genetics and nurture, how we were raised, and
Speaker 1: that really leads into what I think is one of
Speaker 1: the biggest determining factors and reasons why some of us
Speaker 1: are so deeply self critical adverse childhood experiences and childhood upbringing.
Speaker 1: We know so much more now about the kind of environment,
Speaker 1: that kind of reassurance and love that children need to grow,
Speaker 1: especially compared to a few generations ago. Studies have continuously
Speaker 1: shown across so many different areas that persistent parental criticism,
Speaker 1: being constantly put down, even childhood bullying, instills what we
Speaker 1: would call a negative self image and feelings of inherent
Speaker 1: inadequacy that continue into childhood. I think it used to
Speaker 1: be a very common belief that excessive criticism made a
Speaker 1: child stronger, and we know now that it doesn't. It
Speaker 1: just doesn't. And the reason some of us are so
Speaker 1: hard on ourselves likely originates from those early relationships with
Speaker 1: caregivers and also with peers. So as children, we really
Speaker 1: internalize the words spoken to the language used against us,
Speaker 1: the treatment, and how we incorporate those things as truth
Speaker 1: because we've never been told any differently. Our only source
Speaker 1: of self esteem is those around us. And when we're
Speaker 1: told that we're just not that smart, that we're ugly,
Speaker 1: that we're embarrassing, that we're worthless, these things become part
Speaker 1: of our belief system and part of our self concept.
Speaker 1: Those early years are just so formative because it's during
Speaker 1: that time that our brains are laying those important neural pathways.
Speaker 1: They're understanding our relationship to others, and we really need
Speaker 1: the validation of our caregivers. We need a loving environment
Speaker 1: to feel good about ourselves, or when we don't receive that,
Speaker 1: the consequences are lifelong. And it's not just this kind
Speaker 1: of emotional neglect or verbal scolding that's influential. When we
Speaker 1: face really high expectations from our family, you know, the
Speaker 1: need for perfect grades, to do a few sports, play
Speaker 1: a couple of musical instruments, to be excellent at all
Speaker 1: of them. Our standards for ourselves are incredibly out of
Speaker 1: proportion to what we're sustainably able to accomplish. But yet
Speaker 1: our sense of self has been hijacked for this need
Speaker 1: for approval and to be perfect, and we begin to
Speaker 1: internalize these expectations and self police through excessive criticism. It's
Speaker 1: also influenced by how our parents or caregivers treat praise
Speaker 1: and love. In psychology, there is this important distinction between
Speaker 1: conditional and unconditional positive regards. So conditional positive regard means
Speaker 1: only giving someone love, giving them support, praise, warmth when
Speaker 1: they meet certain expectations or a set of conditions. Love
Speaker 1: is conditional on our ability to meet some standard. It's
Speaker 1: not freely given. In contrast, we have unconditional positive regard,
Speaker 1: and that means loving someone supporting them regardless of whether
Speaker 1: they meet our expectations. We can see why conditional positive
Speaker 1: regard might be especially harmful as a child, and also
Speaker 1: contribute to that self criticism later in adulthood. If you
Speaker 1: learnt that love and warmth and support, all of which
Speaker 1: are basic human needs, were something to be earned, we
Speaker 1: become exceptionally good at blaming ourselves when we fail, and
Speaker 1: we're found on deserving. This kind of attitude teaches us
Speaker 1: that it is our actions that caused us to be neglected,
Speaker 1: our actions that caused love and praise to be withheld.
Speaker 1: Something about us is wrong, something about us is bad,
Speaker 1: and we carry that with us for a long long time.
Speaker 1: Like I always say, the words spoken to us in
Speaker 1: childhood become the words we speak to ourselves in adulthood.
Speaker 1: And I found that over and over again to be true,
Speaker 1: especially when we dive further into the psychology behind negative
Speaker 1: self talk that in a critic we were speaking of before.
Speaker 1: That voice can often sound a lot like the voice
Speaker 1: of our parents, or a judgmental friend, a bad ex
Speaker 1: partner who put us down. Sometimes we don't realize how
Speaker 1: much we take on that apparent feedback of others, and
Speaker 1: they don't even need to be there or be saying
Speaker 1: those things for you to still think about them, for
Speaker 1: you to still believe them. I remember back in like
Speaker 1: I don't know, a couple of years ago, I was
Speaker 1: dating this guy right when I started this podcast. I
Speaker 1: think I was like six months into recording, and he
Speaker 1: said to me one day, he was like, your podcast
Speaker 1: is so generic, I don't think anyone is ever going
Speaker 1: to relate to it. And his voice runs through my
Speaker 1: head almost every time I publish an episode, every time
Speaker 1: I do something different, every time I take a risk,
Speaker 1: no one's ever going to listen, no one's going to relate.
Speaker 1: But it's not his voice anymore, right, It's my voice now,
Speaker 1: because even though you know I tried to shake it
Speaker 1: off at the time, I loved that person. I unfortunately
Speaker 1: trusted his opinion, and some part of me truly did
Speaker 1: believe him and took that so deeply and so to heart,
Speaker 1: and I think it was in the aftermath of that
Speaker 1: situation that I became particularly negative towards myself and quite
Speaker 1: self deprecating. Self deprecation is an element of this that
Speaker 1: I think is really important to discuss because it has
Speaker 1: so many nuanced, hidden links to self criticism that are
Speaker 1: rarely spoken about. I think a lot of us like
Speaker 1: to use self deprecating jokes and humor at our expense,
Speaker 1: and we think it's funny, right, it keeps us humble,
Speaker 1: and it might seem fairly harmless to call ourselves stupid
Speaker 1: in front of our friends, to kind of downgrade our achievements.
Speaker 1: But really that's actually just out in a critic, masking
Speaker 1: as being humorous or being humble. At the end of
Speaker 1: the day, it's still a negative self evaluation, even if
Speaker 1: you're joking. There's another explanation proposed by researchers that we
Speaker 1: adopt self deprecation in an attempt to appear more modest
Speaker 1: and seem really agreeable. But I also find that we
Speaker 1: use this kind of language, these kinds of jokes, to
Speaker 1: protect our self esteem and our ego. If I already
Speaker 1: think that about myself, no one can use it against me.
Speaker 1: If I tear myself down first in a social situation,
Speaker 1: no one else can do it for me. It's an armor.
Speaker 1: It's a protective coping mechanism against the judgment of others.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I think we can even use it in some
Speaker 1: ways as a form of motivation, if you naturally have
Speaker 1: a negative self perception, telling yourself you're awful, that you're
Speaker 1: going to fail. For some people, I think it can
Speaker 1: compel them to perform, to do better, to be better.
Speaker 1: That's not a particularly sustainable way of motivating ourselves, though,
Speaker 1: because when we fail, we just reinforce that belief system,
Speaker 1: and when we succeed, it's a fluke. That voice isn't
Speaker 1: going anywhere. That's the cycle, right. It's like drinking more
Speaker 1: alcohol and expecting it to help you become sober. Using
Speaker 1: self criticism to push yourself or to eliminate your negative
Speaker 1: self appraisal is not going to make you love yourself anymore.
Speaker 1: I want to discuss two other reasons why we are
Speaker 1: so hard on ourselves after this break, as well as
Speaker 1: some of the best ways to kind of break out
Speaker 1: of this habit, to liberate us from that really nasty
Speaker 1: inner voice telling us will never be good enough, will
Speaker 1: never succeed. So all of that and more in just
Speaker 1: a second. There are two final psychological explanations that I
Speaker 1: want to discuss super briefly. The first is overthinking and
Speaker 1: over analyzing, and the second is the power of social
Speaker 1: comparison as a fuel for our inner critic. If you
Speaker 1: listened to my episode on overthinking, it's an absolute favorite
Speaker 1: of mine, you'll know that it's sometimes possible to almost
Speaker 1: be too self aware, and one of the consequences of
Speaker 1: that is being way too hard on ourselves, especially in
Speaker 1: relation to how we think others perceive us. Our brain
Speaker 1: tricks us into thinking that overthinking a scenario, examining every
Speaker 1: possible way we've messed up or done something wrong, will
Speaker 1: prepare us for the future. It will allow us to
Speaker 1: prepare for the judgment of others. It links to the
Speaker 1: sphere of uncertainty firstly, but also our innate, evolutionary fear
Speaker 1: of the opinions of others, And I think that's really crucial.
Speaker 1: Other's opinions, they are important. Let's not discredit that entirely. Historically,
Speaker 1: we needed the approval of others to remain in the
Speaker 1: in group, to be accepted and therefore protected by the herd.
Speaker 1: And it's been proposed that our tendency for negative self
Speaker 1: talk evolved from this instinct. This fascinating article, I'll leave
Speaker 1: it in the description. It summed it up perfectly. Negative
Speaker 1: self talk has served an evolutionary purpose. It comes from
Speaker 1: this evolutionary brain circuit in our brain. It's called the
Speaker 1: default mode network, and it helped people survive by aligning
Speaker 1: their interests with the group norms. We needed to follow
Speaker 1: the standards of the group. We need to constantly monitor
Speaker 1: our behavior so that if we step out of line,
Speaker 1: we can correct ourselves before we're ostracized. That is why
Speaker 1: the default mode is self directed and critical. It's trying
Speaker 1: to keep you alive. There's also that element of social comparison.
Speaker 1: Our inner critic loves, absolutely loves using others as fuel
Speaker 1: for our own insecurities. How do I know that I'm
Speaker 1: a terrible person, Well, look at her. She's obviously incredible
Speaker 1: and kind, and since I'm not like her, I must
Speaker 1: be awful. How do I know I'm a failure? Well,
Speaker 1: look at all of that they've achieved. Look at them.
Speaker 1: How do I know that I'm unattractive? Well, she is beautiful.
Speaker 1: I don't look like her, so I must be unattractive,
Speaker 1: I must be ugly. I think that the important thing
Speaker 1: is to realize that the existence of someone else's value
Speaker 1: and success is not evidence of our inadequacy. Those two
Speaker 1: things are completely separate. Our value and their value are
Speaker 1: not mutually exclusive. No one is living the same way.
Speaker 1: And beyond that, I think an important thing to remember
Speaker 1: is that no one is looking at you as closely
Speaker 1: or judging you as closely as you are judging yourself.
Speaker 1: Our in a critic benefits from us feeling like we're
Speaker 1: at the center of the universe, because that just adds
Speaker 1: weight to how important our actions and behaviors are, and
Speaker 1: therefore how perfect they need to be. That's not true.
Speaker 1: No one is looking at you. I promise we are
Speaker 1: all just as self obsessed as the next person. And
Speaker 1: there's this thought experiment I always like to do when
Speaker 1: I start to really worry and overthink about the opinions
Speaker 1: of others, and that is, when was the last time
Speaker 1: you noticed a mistake someone else made? When was the
Speaker 1: last time that you cringed at someone else? And what
Speaker 1: was that person's name, what were they wearing? What does
Speaker 1: that say? About them, and how often do you actually
Speaker 1: think about it genuinely? How often? Because if you're thinking
Speaker 1: about someone else's mistakes a lot, that's really not their problem.
Speaker 1: That's a you problem. And the saying goes for other
Speaker 1: people who are spending their hours judging you, that is
Speaker 1: not your problem. And exacerbating or heightening those opinions in
Speaker 1: your mind is only going to increase your susceptibility. And
Speaker 1: I guess the frequency by which you're hard on yourself?
Speaker 1: So how do we stop doing this? How do we
Speaker 1: rain in that pesky inner voice that can feel especially hard?
Speaker 1: I want to give credit to people who are like,
Speaker 1: I don't know if I can do that, because you know,
Speaker 1: when we understand the childhood roots and the roots in
Speaker 1: so many historical events, childhood bullying, things that we cannot change,
Speaker 1: it's really hard to feel like we have agency or
Speaker 1: control over this thought pattern. But I do believe that
Speaker 1: we can change our negative self perception. Those are our thoughts.
Speaker 1: We should feel empowered and able to control them. Additionally,
Speaker 1: I think when we think good things about ourselves, it
Speaker 1: kind of makes us this like amazing person, Like I
Speaker 1: don't know if there is a theory behind this, like
Speaker 1: I haven't really looked into it, so take it with
Speaker 1: a grain of salt. But I think anecdotally, I've found
Speaker 1: that when I think better things about myself, I think
Speaker 1: better things about others. I just kind of have this
Speaker 1: like this glow, this energy to me that I find
Speaker 1: really attractive and that I would hope others do as well.
Speaker 1: Because you already see yourself in a better light, you
Speaker 1: feel more respect for yourself, and you demand that respect
Speaker 1: from others. So I do think it's really critical that
Speaker 1: we step through exactly how we can stop judging ourselves,
Speaker 1: being mean to ourselves, and putting ourselves down. I think
Speaker 1: our initial instinct when we initially recognize our selves in
Speaker 1: a negative thought sparrel, is to ironically be more self critical,
Speaker 1: to shame ourselves, criticizing our self criticism comes from that
Speaker 1: misguided belief that you have to do something in response
Speaker 1: to it, and since we've formed a habit around judgment,
Speaker 1: our knee jerk reaction to counteract the self criticism is
Speaker 1: to just amp it up, to just add more fuel
Speaker 1: to the fire. I think you can either treat your
Speaker 1: inner critic as an enemy. You can treat them as
Speaker 1: an ally or as neither as just a thing. It's
Speaker 1: just something that exists, and I think that taking away
Speaker 1: its power, by detaching it from our identity, we regain
Speaker 1: the most control. So you need to create kind of
Speaker 1: a psychological distance from your self criticism by personifying it.
Speaker 1: Give it a name, give it, give it a feature,
Speaker 1: give it a face. Maybe call it the little devil.
Speaker 1: It could be anything. Just give it a name, treat
Speaker 1: it like it's neither an enemy or a friend. It's
Speaker 1: just this little creature that exists in your mind who
Speaker 1: wanders from room to room. You know, occasionally it pops up,
Speaker 1: but you know what's around, and it's not scary, and
Speaker 1: you can acknowledge it and say, hi, be like high
Speaker 1: little creature, high, little devil, whatever you want to call it,
Speaker 1: and then ignore it. It's just like a little critter
Speaker 1: that lives in your house. This article in the Harvard
Speaker 1: Business Review, which is one of my go to places
Speaker 1: for finding some of these studies, an amazing resource if
Speaker 1: you are a psychology student, I will say, but it
Speaker 1: explains why this personification is so powerful. When we name
Speaker 1: our inner critic. This leverages a concept called cognitive diffusion,
Speaker 1: and it's a process by which we separate ourselves and
Speaker 1: our identity from our thoughts. So diffusion is shown to
Speaker 1: reduce discomfort, It reduces stress, It reduces particularly stress around
Speaker 1: negative thoughts, and it also promotes psychological flexibility, or the
Speaker 1: capacity to be aware and open and to adapt to
Speaker 1: your changing emotional circumstances. You know, it's not your thoughts,
Speaker 1: do not own you. That's what cognitive diffusion says. Your
Speaker 1: thoughts are just a thought. There's also this incredible theory
Speaker 1: in psychology called radical self compassion. I could talk about
Speaker 1: this idea for ours. It's possibly my new favorite theory,
Speaker 1: and it initially arose as just radical compassion, and it
Speaker 1: was used to describe a specific type of empathy towards
Speaker 1: other people that this philosopher can lamp it. He suggested
Speaker 1: that loving others unconditionally kind of has a healing element
Speaker 1: to it. When we love others deeply, we can heal them,
Speaker 1: We can alleviate what they're going through. And when we
Speaker 1: direct that compassion and love towards ourselves, we can heal
Speaker 1: ourselves and stop being so hard on ourselves. We do
Speaker 1: this by emulating the kind of love we would typically
Speaker 1: receive from others and giving that love to ourselves, redirecting it.
Speaker 1: We don't need to earn it our self. Compassion is
Speaker 1: radical and freely given. Think about it in terms of
Speaker 1: the five love languages to kind of structure our thinking.
Speaker 1: So those are words of affirmation, quality, time, receiving gifts,
Speaker 1: acts of service, and physical touch. You need to adapt
Speaker 1: and adopt those love languages and direct them towards yourself.
Speaker 1: Speak kind words. Say two things to yourself every day
Speaker 1: that are positive. Tell yourself that you are proud of
Speaker 1: how far you've come. Tell others that you are proud
Speaker 1: of yourself, as you would say that you are proud
Speaker 1: of your friends or your family members. I would also
Speaker 1: say make time to spend with your thoughts. My favorite
Speaker 1: activity is solo dates. And one of my friends, claud
Speaker 1: who is on the show so recently shared this amazing
Speaker 1: practice that they have where once a month they go
Speaker 1: to a different Italian restaurant in Sydney and get a
Speaker 1: glass of wine a pasta and they journal about how
Speaker 1: they're feeling and where they see the next month going.
Speaker 1: That is self love, that is self compassion, and it
Speaker 1: counteracts that negative self image. You know. That's adapt those
Speaker 1: further by yourself a little trait every now and again,
Speaker 1: not because you've worked hard for it, not because you've
Speaker 1: been quote unquote good, but because you deserve to have
Speaker 1: nice things. You deserve to feel happy. Make your bed
Speaker 1: in the morning, clean your room in the evening because
Speaker 1: you know that your future self will thank you the
Speaker 1: same way that you would want others to do upon you.
Speaker 1: With acts of service you can do upon to yourself,
Speaker 1: and finally, give yourself physical touch. This sounds really strange
Speaker 1: sometimes when I explain it to people, but which actually
Speaker 1: activates our parasympathetic nervous system. That is what helps us
Speaker 1: exit flight or flight mode, and it helps us feel
Speaker 1: safe and calm. And we can physically self sooth and
Speaker 1: create that same reaction by doing things like placing one
Speaker 1: hand over our heart and the other hand over our
Speaker 1: shoulder and just giving a tight squeeze or caressing our
Speaker 1: own face. That is radical self compassion. It's saying you
Speaker 1: don't need to earn the love that you give yourself.
Speaker 1: It is freely given, It is yours. If you don't
Speaker 1: see how this relates to minimizing your inner critic, I
Speaker 1: want to explain a little bit further. We know that
Speaker 1: one of the root causes of being hard on ourselves
Speaker 1: is feeling like you are undeserving of love or empathy,
Speaker 1: or seeking validation from others because you're of childhood deprivation,
Speaker 1: or an intense pressure to prove yourself, or bullying. But
Speaker 1: when you institute radical self compassion, you give yourself the
Speaker 1: permission that maybe others haven't given you to feel good,
Speaker 1: to celebrate yourself, to be loved. And before we ask
Speaker 1: others to do that for us, we need to find
Speaker 1: a way to reach that conclusion and deliver that feeling
Speaker 1: on an individual level. And there have been so many
Speaker 1: experiments that have shown self compassion reduces the negative effects
Speaker 1: of shame and self criticism, and it's even created its
Speaker 1: own type of therapeutic practice called compassion focused therapy. So
Speaker 1: there you go look into that as well. I find
Speaker 1: that is so fascinating. Some other strategies are to do
Speaker 1: a bit of a mental and social detox. Sometimes it's
Speaker 1: the things in our environment that are causing us to
Speaker 1: be excessively negative, maybe a particularly strained toxic friendship or
Speaker 1: a bad habit that is bringing forward a lot of guilt.
Speaker 1: So do a bit of a stock of your life
Speaker 1: what feels good, what doesn't? What is creating a negative
Speaker 1: thought spiral? And is it possible to eliminate this from
Speaker 1: your life. One of the things that my therapist actually
Speaker 1: said to me as well is like, and what days
Speaker 1: do you feel the best about yourself? And what are
Speaker 1: you doing on those days? What are you wearing on
Speaker 1: those days? And on what days are you feeling bad
Speaker 1: about yourself? What do you do on those days? What
Speaker 1: are you wearing, who are you interacting with, what are
Speaker 1: you eating? All of those little things really do contribute
Speaker 1: to our self image on a day to day basis. Also,
Speaker 1: further to that idea kind of of not treating self
Speaker 1: criticism like an enemy. Another way to bring it under
Speaker 1: our control is to almost counterintuitively give ourselves the occasional
Speaker 1: permission to be a bit mean. You can't always quit
Speaker 1: cold turkey, especially if that negative self talk is a
Speaker 1: deeply ingrained thought pattern. So instead, give yourself five minutes
Speaker 1: a day to think those negative thoughts. If you really
Speaker 1: can't break out of them, contain the habit, and then
Speaker 1: you can be like, Okay, I gave myself five minutes.
Speaker 1: I did that. I let myself feel bad, I let
Speaker 1: myself be cruel, and that part of my day is done.
Speaker 1: Those thoughts are going to remain in that moment, and
Speaker 1: my life is going to go on. It's also important
Speaker 1: to just be neutral towards your thoughts, especially as they
Speaker 1: relate to your perceived failures or imperfections. A thought is
Speaker 1: just a thought. It's not the truth. You can think it,
Speaker 1: and you don't have to believe it. It can just exist.
Speaker 1: That was a really powerful realization for me, not just
Speaker 1: in relation to my tendency to be hard on myself,
Speaker 1: but also how I treat self doubt and anxiety and
Speaker 1: even body dysmorphia and insecurity. Just because I think something
Speaker 1: about myself does not make it true, and I think
Speaker 1: all of those practices are incredibly liberating. We deserve to
Speaker 1: have a peaceful mind. I think we can be our
Speaker 1: own worst enemy. We can really take on the feedback
Speaker 1: of others and make it our own and criticize as
Speaker 1: a way to almost protect ourselves, but also to humble
Speaker 1: ourselves and to make ourselves feel less than. You are
Speaker 1: not the only one, I promise. I think that this
Speaker 1: is highly common in this generation, especially because we have
Speaker 1: so many points to elicit social comparison. Like I talk
Speaker 1: about the prominence of social media all the time. But
Speaker 1: you know, it used to be that we could only
Speaker 1: really view those in our in our community and in
Speaker 1: our surroundings. And then we had the Internet, but it
Speaker 1: was always in one corner of the house on the computer.
Speaker 1: And now suddenly we can walk around every day with
Speaker 1: the phone glued to our hands. And if at any
Speaker 1: point we want to feel bad, we want to judge ourselves,
Speaker 1: we can find a million ways to do that. We
Speaker 1: can look at a million different pictures of other people's
Speaker 1: perfect lives and perfect bodies and perfect jobs and just
Speaker 1: feel inherently really crappy. So I don't think that that
Speaker 1: is forever. I think that's something that we can act
Speaker 1: out against and we can push back against. And I
Speaker 1: just hope that this episode gave you some valuable insight
Speaker 1: firstly and psycho education, but also some tips and some strategies.
Speaker 1: Like I said, radical self compassion life changing, so life changing.
Speaker 1: Cognitive diffusion also incredible. So this episode was definitely one
Speaker 1: that I really enjoyed researching and putting together. As always,
Speaker 1: if you enjoyed it and you think someone in your
Speaker 1: life might enjoy it as well, please please feel free
Speaker 1: to send them a link to this episode. You never
Speaker 1: know what they'll take from it. Also, again, I'm going
Speaker 1: to plug the Poetreon because I would love to see
Speaker 1: more of my loyal listeners. Over there. You get access
Speaker 1: to bonus episodes as content and newsletter, all of the
Speaker 1: episode transcripts. You can vote on upcoming episodes free merch
Speaker 1: and it's as little as one dollar a month, so
Speaker 1: it goes a long way when a lot of people contribute.
Speaker 1: I'll leave a link in the episode description and please
Speaker 1: feel free to leave a five star review on Apple, Spotify,
Speaker 1: wherever you're listening right now. If you did enjoy this episode,
Speaker 1: we will be back next week. I will see you then.