1 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:09,320 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,320 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:16,920 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:26,480 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:31,440 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:34,080 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is great to have 7 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:38,120 Speaker 1: you here. Back for another episode. Today, we are talking 8 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:41,199 Speaker 1: about something I think all of us have struggled with 9 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:45,360 Speaker 1: at some point in our lives, and that is why 10 00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:49,120 Speaker 1: we are so hard on ourselves. Like all the time. 11 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:54,400 Speaker 1: It feels like this is the generation of self criticism 12 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:59,040 Speaker 1: as humans, and I think particularly in our twenties, where 13 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:03,840 Speaker 1: often our harshest critics. We tirelessly scrutinize every little decision, 14 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:07,240 Speaker 1: every action, every outcome in our lives. Why am I 15 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:10,119 Speaker 1: such a failure? Why did I say that? Why don't 16 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:13,120 Speaker 1: I look like them? I must be doing something wrong? 17 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:17,840 Speaker 1: And we constantly strive for perfection, expecting ourselves to reach 18 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:22,000 Speaker 1: these impossible standards that we've never really held for anyone 19 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:25,240 Speaker 1: else in our lives. But I think it's really interesting 20 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:28,360 Speaker 1: to examine why we put ourselves through this. What kind 21 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:33,040 Speaker 1: of drives this in a critic, in this relentless pursuit 22 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:36,760 Speaker 1: of being flawless or perfect. The other irony of self 23 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:40,399 Speaker 1: criticism that I find really fascinating but also a bit 24 00:01:40,959 --> 00:01:44,800 Speaker 1: disturbing or interesting, is that we speak to ourselves in 25 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:47,640 Speaker 1: a way that we would never dream of doing so 26 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:50,840 Speaker 1: to others. So why do we find it so hard 27 00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:54,920 Speaker 1: to give ourselves the same grace, the same love, the 28 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:58,520 Speaker 1: same forgiveness that we give people like our family, like 29 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:02,320 Speaker 1: our friends, like our partners. So today we are going 30 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:06,080 Speaker 1: to peel back the layers of our inner critic and 31 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:11,360 Speaker 1: examine some of the evolutionary, biological, social roots of why 32 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:14,560 Speaker 1: we are so hard on ourselves. A lot of the 33 00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:18,760 Speaker 1: theory says that it may actually come down to survival, 34 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:24,120 Speaker 1: whereby we are overly self critical to avoid stepping out 35 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:27,959 Speaker 1: of line or acting against a societal norm so that 36 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:31,440 Speaker 1: we can be accepted, or in the case of things 37 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:36,600 Speaker 1: like self deprecating humor, we use that to make ourselves 38 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:41,480 Speaker 1: feel and seem more agreeable, or to mask our insecurities 39 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:45,000 Speaker 1: and protect ourselves. It all kind of comes down to, 40 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:49,640 Speaker 1: at the end of the day, our existence as social creatures, 41 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:53,760 Speaker 1: and further to that, of course, our childhood. The words 42 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:58,840 Speaker 1: spoken to us as children, either by parents, by peers, 43 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:03,239 Speaker 1: by teachers, they become the words we speak to ourselves 44 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:06,160 Speaker 1: as adults. And a lot of that has to do 45 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:09,480 Speaker 1: with feeling like we need to earn love, we need 46 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:11,960 Speaker 1: to earn support, to earn the good things in our 47 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:17,120 Speaker 1: lives and be absolutely perfect or else we're not worth 48 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:20,960 Speaker 1: that kind of treatment. So let's discuss We're going to 49 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:25,800 Speaker 1: talk about the origins of this nasty in a critic, 50 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:28,640 Speaker 1: but also how we can silence that in a voice. 51 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:32,040 Speaker 1: This episode, it's not about dwelling in the negativity. It's 52 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:37,760 Speaker 1: about gaining awareness, embracing vulnerability, and ultimately, I think, finding 53 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:43,240 Speaker 1: compassion for ourselves amidst all of our imperfections. I also 54 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:46,400 Speaker 1: really want to deep dive into some pretty I would 55 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:52,000 Speaker 1: say innovative new therapeutic practices that have come about recently, 56 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:56,920 Speaker 1: including radical self compassion and cognitive diffusion. These are both 57 00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:01,880 Speaker 1: amazing practices and skill that can help us kind of 58 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:06,360 Speaker 1: silence that little mean voice in our head. I'm really 59 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:09,000 Speaker 1: keen for this episode. I hope you are too, So 60 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:13,360 Speaker 1: without further ado, let's get into the psychology behind why 61 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:21,800 Speaker 1: we are so hard on ourselves. I think I've recently 62 00:04:21,839 --> 00:04:26,479 Speaker 1: become quite cognizant of the fact that, for the longest time, 63 00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:29,720 Speaker 1: maybe the majority of my life, I have always been 64 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:33,159 Speaker 1: my own worst critic, the loudest voice in my head, 65 00:04:33,839 --> 00:04:37,240 Speaker 1: constantly drowning out all the positive things in my life 66 00:04:37,279 --> 00:04:41,520 Speaker 1: with negative predictions and self doubt, kind of honing that 67 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:45,320 Speaker 1: spotlight in on everything that I'm doing wrong and ignoring 68 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:47,240 Speaker 1: all the good things. That even got to the point 69 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:51,360 Speaker 1: where I was becoming self critical about how much I 70 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:55,200 Speaker 1: was self critical. I would have these thoughts about how 71 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:57,280 Speaker 1: I was so stupid or I'd messed up, and then 72 00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:01,279 Speaker 1: an even louder voice would jump in and and scold 73 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:04,120 Speaker 1: me for being like that, and neither of these voices 74 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:09,720 Speaker 1: was particularly kind or helpful. So I've also become really 75 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:14,440 Speaker 1: fascinated with the why. As someone who is obviously really 76 00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:17,960 Speaker 1: interested in psychology, it can be really hard to not 77 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:21,560 Speaker 1: seek an explanation for these kinds of behaviors and know 78 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:26,560 Speaker 1: that there is possibly a very logical, scientific, robust underpinning 79 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:31,280 Speaker 1: or kind of cause. I think it also minimizes I 80 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:34,520 Speaker 1: think some of the shame and the personal blame that 81 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:39,720 Speaker 1: often accompanies self criticism and in this instance. There are 82 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:44,159 Speaker 1: so many explanations that explain why we are so hard 83 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:48,880 Speaker 1: on ourselves. So self criticism. It's this tendency to evaluate 84 00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:55,840 Speaker 1: ourselves extremely harshly and to scrutinize our actions, our performance, 85 00:05:56,000 --> 00:06:02,039 Speaker 1: our behavior, our body, our relationship, most every aspects of 86 00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:06,960 Speaker 1: our lives. It's distinct from self awareness and the occasional 87 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:13,320 Speaker 1: self policing in that it's a very automatic self criticism, 88 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:17,160 Speaker 1: self blame. It often feels like it's beyond our control 89 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:21,679 Speaker 1: and our default in any situation. Our default mental pattern 90 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:27,000 Speaker 1: is to actively blame ourselves and find our faults rather 91 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:34,880 Speaker 1: than see a situation objectively. B it's excessively negative and maladaptive. 92 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:39,480 Speaker 1: It goes against our best interests, and it actually undermines 93 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:45,520 Speaker 1: some of that helpful productive behavior and coping mechanisms. Because 94 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:50,839 Speaker 1: this voice is so unnecessarily cruel. C is that we 95 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:55,359 Speaker 1: believe it, Unlike I think the occasional bad thought about 96 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:58,680 Speaker 1: others that we can dismiss or call ourselves out for. 97 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:03,279 Speaker 1: When we are hard on ourselves, the only person who 98 00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:07,440 Speaker 1: can validate that belief is us, and so we tend 99 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:11,320 Speaker 1: to believe these negative thoughts. We tend to really take 100 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:14,400 Speaker 1: them on board because they voice the opinion that is 101 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:16,680 Speaker 1: with us the most in our lives is our own, 102 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:19,000 Speaker 1: so it's the one that we trust the most as well. 103 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:26,120 Speaker 1: And finally, d it negatively impacts our lives. We may 104 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:30,760 Speaker 1: find ourselves skipping social events or going out, not putting 105 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:35,360 Speaker 1: ourselves out there dating people who treat us poorly, or 106 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:39,000 Speaker 1: ruminating on our failures to a point where we can't 107 00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:41,440 Speaker 1: move on, and we do become stuck in that moment 108 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:45,280 Speaker 1: and stuck in that thought spiral. All of these things, 109 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:48,760 Speaker 1: I think really detract from the now but also from 110 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:52,120 Speaker 1: our reality, and they make it incredibly hard to be 111 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:55,920 Speaker 1: gentle and to have a kind mind and a really 112 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:59,240 Speaker 1: soft internal space for us to thrive. All of their 113 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:03,920 Speaker 1: stems from what we call in pop psychology, the inner critic, 114 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:10,240 Speaker 1: this sub personality, this almost separate, unconscious entity that judges 115 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:14,240 Speaker 1: and demeans us. The inner critic is the voice in 116 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:17,560 Speaker 1: our head telling us that we are worthless or shaming us. 117 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:22,000 Speaker 1: And it's been theorized that it's actually a manifestation of 118 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:26,760 Speaker 1: our ego, more specifically what Freud called our super ego. 119 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:30,880 Speaker 1: So this super ego is something that we all kind 120 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:34,560 Speaker 1: of develop in early childhood, and it's that part of 121 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:38,480 Speaker 1: us that internalizes all the things that society wants us 122 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:42,559 Speaker 1: to do, or the lessons from our parents, or the scolding, 123 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:47,880 Speaker 1: and it automatically censors our behavior. It's this kind of 124 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:52,680 Speaker 1: unconscious mechanism for regulating our actions, and that's basically where 125 00:08:52,679 --> 00:08:55,960 Speaker 1: the inner critic comes from. It's natural to have this 126 00:08:56,120 --> 00:09:00,800 Speaker 1: impulse control right, to have our ego over ride some 127 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:04,560 Speaker 1: of those extreme impulses. Otherwise our society would kind of 128 00:09:04,559 --> 00:09:08,640 Speaker 1: fall into anarchy. But when that inner critic is given 129 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:14,160 Speaker 1: too much control, instead of moderating certain behaviors, it absolutely 130 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:18,520 Speaker 1: paralyzes us. And I think one of the major ironies 131 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:22,680 Speaker 1: of self criticism is that whilst we are constantly putting 132 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:28,640 Speaker 1: ourselves down and very carefully self monitoring every little behavior 133 00:09:28,679 --> 00:09:34,280 Speaker 1: for some perceived fault, we rarely level that same amount 134 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:39,400 Speaker 1: or severity of criticism against others. We have no problem 135 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:44,880 Speaker 1: celebrating our friends, accepting their failures, overlooking small things, hyping 136 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:48,560 Speaker 1: them up, but we cannot treat ourselves in the same way. 137 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:55,959 Speaker 1: There's actually a very rational scientific explanation behind why this 138 00:09:56,040 --> 00:10:00,600 Speaker 1: may be. Some researchers have proposed that we actually use 139 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:05,719 Speaker 1: different areas of our brain for judging others and judging ourselves, 140 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:09,480 Speaker 1: because we are more attuned to our own behavior for 141 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:13,679 Speaker 1: survival a lot less than the behavior of others. In 142 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:17,280 Speaker 1: one study conducted in the US, they actually examined this 143 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:20,960 Speaker 1: and what they did was they got participants to respond 144 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,880 Speaker 1: to a series of situations either from a place of 145 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:29,680 Speaker 1: self criticism or self reassurance. For example, they may have 146 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,679 Speaker 1: been told that they just received a rejection letter for 147 00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:36,560 Speaker 1: a job, and they were instructed to either speak kindly 148 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:41,839 Speaker 1: to themselves or to self criticize. Whilst they were doing this, 149 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:45,400 Speaker 1: they had them hooked up to an fMRI machine. This 150 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:50,240 Speaker 1: basically examines where blood is kind of flowing in the brain, 151 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:53,920 Speaker 1: and the logic is that when an area of the 152 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:58,360 Speaker 1: brain is active, it needs more blood. So therefore we 153 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:02,680 Speaker 1: can link the current behavior with the specific cortex or region, 154 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:08,600 Speaker 1: and the results reveals this very significant association between self 155 00:11:08,679 --> 00:11:13,120 Speaker 1: criticism and the prefrontal cortext the part of our brain 156 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:17,720 Speaker 1: that is involved in regulating our thoughts and our emotions, 157 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,920 Speaker 1: but also in error detection and resolution, as well as 158 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:27,520 Speaker 1: behavioral response inhibition, preventing us from doing things that are 159 00:11:27,559 --> 00:11:32,160 Speaker 1: life threatening or maybe embarrassing. And what this essentially concluded 160 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:36,760 Speaker 1: is that self criticism, as demeaning and awful as it is, 161 00:11:37,679 --> 00:11:41,400 Speaker 1: may actually have an evolutionary role in keeping us safe 162 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:47,240 Speaker 1: from things like dangerous, repetitive behaviors and possibly life threatening errors. However, 163 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:52,360 Speaker 1: when it gets out of control, the opposite is also true. 164 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:57,600 Speaker 1: That's just one kind of biological possibility amongst many. The 165 00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:01,720 Speaker 1: other one has to do with temperament and personality. The 166 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:05,839 Speaker 1: leading theory around why we are so hard on ourselves 167 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:10,400 Speaker 1: is that self criticism is a negative personality trait that 168 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:15,160 Speaker 1: we all innately possess. But this trait exists on a 169 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,280 Speaker 1: spectrum or a continuum, and those of us who possess 170 00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:22,959 Speaker 1: this very loud inner critic a measuring higher on self 171 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:26,560 Speaker 1: criticism as a personality trait. Some of that comes from 172 00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:30,320 Speaker 1: our temperament, maybe our DNA, you know, the mystery of 173 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:33,120 Speaker 1: where personality comes from. It's still a bit of a 174 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:37,760 Speaker 1: black box in psychology, but we do know that personality 175 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:42,000 Speaker 1: traits like self criticism are a combination of nature, that 176 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:46,560 Speaker 1: being our genetics and nurture, how we were raised, and 177 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,160 Speaker 1: that really leads into what I think is one of 178 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:54,160 Speaker 1: the biggest determining factors and reasons why some of us 179 00:12:54,240 --> 00:13:01,720 Speaker 1: are so deeply self critical adverse childhood experiences and childhood upbringing. 180 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:07,439 Speaker 1: We know so much more now about the kind of environment, 181 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:11,920 Speaker 1: that kind of reassurance and love that children need to grow, 182 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:17,720 Speaker 1: especially compared to a few generations ago. Studies have continuously 183 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:22,480 Speaker 1: shown across so many different areas that persistent parental criticism, 184 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:27,760 Speaker 1: being constantly put down, even childhood bullying, instills what we 185 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:32,000 Speaker 1: would call a negative self image and feelings of inherent 186 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:36,520 Speaker 1: inadequacy that continue into childhood. I think it used to 187 00:13:36,559 --> 00:13:41,280 Speaker 1: be a very common belief that excessive criticism made a 188 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:45,440 Speaker 1: child stronger, and we know now that it doesn't. It 189 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,880 Speaker 1: just doesn't. And the reason some of us are so 190 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:52,640 Speaker 1: hard on ourselves likely originates from those early relationships with 191 00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:57,320 Speaker 1: caregivers and also with peers. So as children, we really 192 00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:02,079 Speaker 1: internalize the words spoken to the language used against us, 193 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:06,800 Speaker 1: the treatment, and how we incorporate those things as truth 194 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:11,480 Speaker 1: because we've never been told any differently. Our only source 195 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:15,520 Speaker 1: of self esteem is those around us. And when we're 196 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:18,200 Speaker 1: told that we're just not that smart, that we're ugly, 197 00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:23,200 Speaker 1: that we're embarrassing, that we're worthless, these things become part 198 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:26,160 Speaker 1: of our belief system and part of our self concept. 199 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:30,200 Speaker 1: Those early years are just so formative because it's during 200 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:34,160 Speaker 1: that time that our brains are laying those important neural pathways. 201 00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:38,240 Speaker 1: They're understanding our relationship to others, and we really need 202 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:41,720 Speaker 1: the validation of our caregivers. We need a loving environment 203 00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:46,360 Speaker 1: to feel good about ourselves, or when we don't receive that, 204 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:50,720 Speaker 1: the consequences are lifelong. And it's not just this kind 205 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:55,120 Speaker 1: of emotional neglect or verbal scolding that's influential. When we 206 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:59,560 Speaker 1: face really high expectations from our family, you know, the 207 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:02,640 Speaker 1: need for perfect grades, to do a few sports, play 208 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:06,240 Speaker 1: a couple of musical instruments, to be excellent at all 209 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:10,800 Speaker 1: of them. Our standards for ourselves are incredibly out of 210 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:14,960 Speaker 1: proportion to what we're sustainably able to accomplish. But yet 211 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:18,360 Speaker 1: our sense of self has been hijacked for this need 212 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:21,840 Speaker 1: for approval and to be perfect, and we begin to 213 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:27,920 Speaker 1: internalize these expectations and self police through excessive criticism. It's 214 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:33,040 Speaker 1: also influenced by how our parents or caregivers treat praise 215 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:38,480 Speaker 1: and love. In psychology, there is this important distinction between 216 00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:45,520 Speaker 1: conditional and unconditional positive regards. So conditional positive regard means 217 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:50,320 Speaker 1: only giving someone love, giving them support, praise, warmth when 218 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:54,280 Speaker 1: they meet certain expectations or a set of conditions. Love 219 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:58,040 Speaker 1: is conditional on our ability to meet some standard. It's 220 00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:02,680 Speaker 1: not freely given. In contrast, we have unconditional positive regard, 221 00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:08,080 Speaker 1: and that means loving someone supporting them regardless of whether 222 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:13,040 Speaker 1: they meet our expectations. We can see why conditional positive 223 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:18,000 Speaker 1: regard might be especially harmful as a child, and also 224 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:21,720 Speaker 1: contribute to that self criticism later in adulthood. If you 225 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:25,080 Speaker 1: learnt that love and warmth and support, all of which 226 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:29,320 Speaker 1: are basic human needs, were something to be earned, we 227 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:34,560 Speaker 1: become exceptionally good at blaming ourselves when we fail, and 228 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:39,160 Speaker 1: we're found on deserving. This kind of attitude teaches us 229 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:42,520 Speaker 1: that it is our actions that caused us to be neglected, 230 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:47,080 Speaker 1: our actions that caused love and praise to be withheld. 231 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:50,480 Speaker 1: Something about us is wrong, something about us is bad, 232 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:54,200 Speaker 1: and we carry that with us for a long long time. 233 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,840 Speaker 1: Like I always say, the words spoken to us in 234 00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:01,800 Speaker 1: childhood become the words we speak to ourselves in adulthood. 235 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,920 Speaker 1: And I found that over and over again to be true, 236 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:09,119 Speaker 1: especially when we dive further into the psychology behind negative 237 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:13,199 Speaker 1: self talk that in a critic we were speaking of before. 238 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:17,119 Speaker 1: That voice can often sound a lot like the voice 239 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:20,680 Speaker 1: of our parents, or a judgmental friend, a bad ex 240 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:24,600 Speaker 1: partner who put us down. Sometimes we don't realize how 241 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:28,119 Speaker 1: much we take on that apparent feedback of others, and 242 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:30,760 Speaker 1: they don't even need to be there or be saying 243 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:33,560 Speaker 1: those things for you to still think about them, for 244 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:37,479 Speaker 1: you to still believe them. I remember back in like 245 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:39,639 Speaker 1: I don't know, a couple of years ago, I was 246 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:42,800 Speaker 1: dating this guy right when I started this podcast. I 247 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:47,359 Speaker 1: think I was like six months into recording, and he 248 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:49,520 Speaker 1: said to me one day, he was like, your podcast 249 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:52,080 Speaker 1: is so generic, I don't think anyone is ever going 250 00:17:52,119 --> 00:17:56,000 Speaker 1: to relate to it. And his voice runs through my 251 00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:59,520 Speaker 1: head almost every time I publish an episode, every time 252 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:01,920 Speaker 1: I do something different, every time I take a risk, 253 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:05,000 Speaker 1: no one's ever going to listen, no one's going to relate. 254 00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:09,520 Speaker 1: But it's not his voice anymore, right, It's my voice now, 255 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:12,199 Speaker 1: because even though you know I tried to shake it 256 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:15,760 Speaker 1: off at the time, I loved that person. I unfortunately 257 00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:20,120 Speaker 1: trusted his opinion, and some part of me truly did 258 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,920 Speaker 1: believe him and took that so deeply and so to heart, 259 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,520 Speaker 1: and I think it was in the aftermath of that 260 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:32,760 Speaker 1: situation that I became particularly negative towards myself and quite 261 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:36,760 Speaker 1: self deprecating. Self deprecation is an element of this that 262 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:40,320 Speaker 1: I think is really important to discuss because it has 263 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:44,479 Speaker 1: so many nuanced, hidden links to self criticism that are 264 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:48,199 Speaker 1: rarely spoken about. I think a lot of us like 265 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:52,040 Speaker 1: to use self deprecating jokes and humor at our expense, 266 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:55,040 Speaker 1: and we think it's funny, right, it keeps us humble, 267 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:58,440 Speaker 1: and it might seem fairly harmless to call ourselves stupid 268 00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:02,200 Speaker 1: in front of our friends, to kind of downgrade our achievements. 269 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:06,880 Speaker 1: But really that's actually just out in a critic, masking 270 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,399 Speaker 1: as being humorous or being humble. At the end of 271 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,639 Speaker 1: the day, it's still a negative self evaluation, even if 272 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:18,600 Speaker 1: you're joking. There's another explanation proposed by researchers that we 273 00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:23,160 Speaker 1: adopt self deprecation in an attempt to appear more modest 274 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,840 Speaker 1: and seem really agreeable. But I also find that we 275 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:30,600 Speaker 1: use this kind of language, these kinds of jokes, to 276 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:34,679 Speaker 1: protect our self esteem and our ego. If I already 277 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:37,919 Speaker 1: think that about myself, no one can use it against me. 278 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:41,720 Speaker 1: If I tear myself down first in a social situation, 279 00:19:42,359 --> 00:19:44,560 Speaker 1: no one else can do it for me. It's an armor. 280 00:19:45,119 --> 00:19:50,200 Speaker 1: It's a protective coping mechanism against the judgment of others. 281 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,840 Speaker 1: Sometimes I think we can even use it in some 282 00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:56,280 Speaker 1: ways as a form of motivation, if you naturally have 283 00:19:56,359 --> 00:20:01,000 Speaker 1: a negative self perception, telling yourself you're awful, that you're 284 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,920 Speaker 1: going to fail. For some people, I think it can 285 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:07,720 Speaker 1: compel them to perform, to do better, to be better. 286 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:12,440 Speaker 1: That's not a particularly sustainable way of motivating ourselves, though, 287 00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:17,240 Speaker 1: because when we fail, we just reinforce that belief system, 288 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:21,639 Speaker 1: and when we succeed, it's a fluke. That voice isn't 289 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:25,280 Speaker 1: going anywhere. That's the cycle, right. It's like drinking more 290 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:30,320 Speaker 1: alcohol and expecting it to help you become sober. Using 291 00:20:30,359 --> 00:20:34,720 Speaker 1: self criticism to push yourself or to eliminate your negative 292 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:38,960 Speaker 1: self appraisal is not going to make you love yourself anymore. 293 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:43,760 Speaker 1: I want to discuss two other reasons why we are 294 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:47,439 Speaker 1: so hard on ourselves after this break, as well as 295 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:49,360 Speaker 1: some of the best ways to kind of break out 296 00:20:49,359 --> 00:20:52,880 Speaker 1: of this habit, to liberate us from that really nasty 297 00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:55,880 Speaker 1: inner voice telling us will never be good enough, will 298 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:59,320 Speaker 1: never succeed. So all of that and more in just 299 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:08,480 Speaker 1: a second. There are two final psychological explanations that I 300 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:13,119 Speaker 1: want to discuss super briefly. The first is overthinking and 301 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:16,680 Speaker 1: over analyzing, and the second is the power of social 302 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:21,440 Speaker 1: comparison as a fuel for our inner critic. If you 303 00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:25,399 Speaker 1: listened to my episode on overthinking, it's an absolute favorite 304 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:30,000 Speaker 1: of mine, you'll know that it's sometimes possible to almost 305 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,679 Speaker 1: be too self aware, and one of the consequences of 306 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:37,639 Speaker 1: that is being way too hard on ourselves, especially in 307 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:42,280 Speaker 1: relation to how we think others perceive us. Our brain 308 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:47,840 Speaker 1: tricks us into thinking that overthinking a scenario, examining every 309 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:51,480 Speaker 1: possible way we've messed up or done something wrong, will 310 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:54,280 Speaker 1: prepare us for the future. It will allow us to 311 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:58,800 Speaker 1: prepare for the judgment of others. It links to the 312 00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:04,879 Speaker 1: sphere of uncertainty firstly, but also our innate, evolutionary fear 313 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:09,280 Speaker 1: of the opinions of others, And I think that's really crucial. 314 00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:14,840 Speaker 1: Other's opinions, they are important. Let's not discredit that entirely. Historically, 315 00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:18,520 Speaker 1: we needed the approval of others to remain in the 316 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:22,520 Speaker 1: in group, to be accepted and therefore protected by the herd. 317 00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:26,840 Speaker 1: And it's been proposed that our tendency for negative self 318 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:31,160 Speaker 1: talk evolved from this instinct. This fascinating article, I'll leave 319 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:35,240 Speaker 1: it in the description. It summed it up perfectly. Negative 320 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:39,680 Speaker 1: self talk has served an evolutionary purpose. It comes from 321 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:43,439 Speaker 1: this evolutionary brain circuit in our brain. It's called the 322 00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:48,159 Speaker 1: default mode network, and it helped people survive by aligning 323 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:52,200 Speaker 1: their interests with the group norms. We needed to follow 324 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:54,800 Speaker 1: the standards of the group. We need to constantly monitor 325 00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:57,480 Speaker 1: our behavior so that if we step out of line, 326 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:01,800 Speaker 1: we can correct ourselves before we're ostracized. That is why 327 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:05,480 Speaker 1: the default mode is self directed and critical. It's trying 328 00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:10,200 Speaker 1: to keep you alive. There's also that element of social comparison. 329 00:23:10,359 --> 00:23:17,040 Speaker 1: Our inner critic loves, absolutely loves using others as fuel 330 00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:20,520 Speaker 1: for our own insecurities. How do I know that I'm 331 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:24,200 Speaker 1: a terrible person, Well, look at her. She's obviously incredible 332 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:27,000 Speaker 1: and kind, and since I'm not like her, I must 333 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,359 Speaker 1: be awful. How do I know I'm a failure? Well, 334 00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:32,000 Speaker 1: look at all of that they've achieved. Look at them. 335 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:35,840 Speaker 1: How do I know that I'm unattractive? Well, she is beautiful. 336 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:39,159 Speaker 1: I don't look like her, so I must be unattractive, 337 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:42,080 Speaker 1: I must be ugly. I think that the important thing 338 00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:45,960 Speaker 1: is to realize that the existence of someone else's value 339 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:51,040 Speaker 1: and success is not evidence of our inadequacy. Those two 340 00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:55,920 Speaker 1: things are completely separate. Our value and their value are 341 00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:59,920 Speaker 1: not mutually exclusive. No one is living the same way. 342 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:03,080 Speaker 1: And beyond that, I think an important thing to remember 343 00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:06,680 Speaker 1: is that no one is looking at you as closely 344 00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:11,280 Speaker 1: or judging you as closely as you are judging yourself. 345 00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:15,560 Speaker 1: Our in a critic benefits from us feeling like we're 346 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:18,520 Speaker 1: at the center of the universe, because that just adds 347 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:22,159 Speaker 1: weight to how important our actions and behaviors are, and 348 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:25,800 Speaker 1: therefore how perfect they need to be. That's not true. 349 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:28,440 Speaker 1: No one is looking at you. I promise we are 350 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:32,879 Speaker 1: all just as self obsessed as the next person. And 351 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:36,160 Speaker 1: there's this thought experiment I always like to do when 352 00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:40,640 Speaker 1: I start to really worry and overthink about the opinions 353 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:44,359 Speaker 1: of others, and that is, when was the last time 354 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:48,440 Speaker 1: you noticed a mistake someone else made? When was the 355 00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:51,600 Speaker 1: last time that you cringed at someone else? And what 356 00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:55,480 Speaker 1: was that person's name, what were they wearing? What does 357 00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:59,040 Speaker 1: that say? About them, and how often do you actually 358 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:03,959 Speaker 1: think about it genuinely? How often? Because if you're thinking 359 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:09,159 Speaker 1: about someone else's mistakes a lot, that's really not their problem. 360 00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:11,960 Speaker 1: That's a you problem. And the saying goes for other 361 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:16,719 Speaker 1: people who are spending their hours judging you, that is 362 00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:22,600 Speaker 1: not your problem. And exacerbating or heightening those opinions in 363 00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:28,320 Speaker 1: your mind is only going to increase your susceptibility. And 364 00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:31,040 Speaker 1: I guess the frequency by which you're hard on yourself? 365 00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:33,600 Speaker 1: So how do we stop doing this? How do we 366 00:25:34,119 --> 00:25:39,760 Speaker 1: rain in that pesky inner voice that can feel especially hard? 367 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:41,679 Speaker 1: I want to give credit to people who are like, 368 00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:44,720 Speaker 1: I don't know if I can do that, because you know, 369 00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:48,359 Speaker 1: when we understand the childhood roots and the roots in 370 00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:53,200 Speaker 1: so many historical events, childhood bullying, things that we cannot change, 371 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:57,000 Speaker 1: it's really hard to feel like we have agency or 372 00:25:57,040 --> 00:26:00,960 Speaker 1: control over this thought pattern. But I do believe that 373 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:06,040 Speaker 1: we can change our negative self perception. Those are our thoughts. 374 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:10,040 Speaker 1: We should feel empowered and able to control them. Additionally, 375 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:14,760 Speaker 1: I think when we think good things about ourselves, it 376 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:18,840 Speaker 1: kind of makes us this like amazing person, Like I 377 00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:20,840 Speaker 1: don't know if there is a theory behind this, like 378 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:23,439 Speaker 1: I haven't really looked into it, so take it with 379 00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:26,680 Speaker 1: a grain of salt. But I think anecdotally, I've found 380 00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:30,080 Speaker 1: that when I think better things about myself, I think 381 00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:33,080 Speaker 1: better things about others. I just kind of have this 382 00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:35,800 Speaker 1: like this glow, this energy to me that I find 383 00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:39,200 Speaker 1: really attractive and that I would hope others do as well. 384 00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:42,000 Speaker 1: Because you already see yourself in a better light, you 385 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:45,120 Speaker 1: feel more respect for yourself, and you demand that respect 386 00:26:45,119 --> 00:26:48,000 Speaker 1: from others. So I do think it's really critical that 387 00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:52,720 Speaker 1: we step through exactly how we can stop judging ourselves, 388 00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:56,320 Speaker 1: being mean to ourselves, and putting ourselves down. I think 389 00:26:56,359 --> 00:27:00,359 Speaker 1: our initial instinct when we initially recognize our selves in 390 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:05,880 Speaker 1: a negative thought sparrel, is to ironically be more self critical, 391 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:10,880 Speaker 1: to shame ourselves, criticizing our self criticism comes from that 392 00:27:11,359 --> 00:27:14,680 Speaker 1: misguided belief that you have to do something in response 393 00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:18,000 Speaker 1: to it, and since we've formed a habit around judgment, 394 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:22,040 Speaker 1: our knee jerk reaction to counteract the self criticism is 395 00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:25,200 Speaker 1: to just amp it up, to just add more fuel 396 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:27,720 Speaker 1: to the fire. I think you can either treat your 397 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:30,280 Speaker 1: inner critic as an enemy. You can treat them as 398 00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:34,200 Speaker 1: an ally or as neither as just a thing. It's 399 00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:38,080 Speaker 1: just something that exists, and I think that taking away 400 00:27:38,119 --> 00:27:42,160 Speaker 1: its power, by detaching it from our identity, we regain 401 00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:45,639 Speaker 1: the most control. So you need to create kind of 402 00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:51,080 Speaker 1: a psychological distance from your self criticism by personifying it. 403 00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:54,760 Speaker 1: Give it a name, give it, give it a feature, 404 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:57,320 Speaker 1: give it a face. Maybe call it the little devil. 405 00:27:57,359 --> 00:28:00,240 Speaker 1: It could be anything. Just give it a name, treat 406 00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:02,680 Speaker 1: it like it's neither an enemy or a friend. It's 407 00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:06,120 Speaker 1: just this little creature that exists in your mind who 408 00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:09,800 Speaker 1: wanders from room to room. You know, occasionally it pops up, 409 00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:12,760 Speaker 1: but you know what's around, and it's not scary, and 410 00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:15,880 Speaker 1: you can acknowledge it and say, hi, be like high 411 00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:18,960 Speaker 1: little creature, high, little devil, whatever you want to call it, 412 00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:21,760 Speaker 1: and then ignore it. It's just like a little critter 413 00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:24,800 Speaker 1: that lives in your house. This article in the Harvard 414 00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:27,800 Speaker 1: Business Review, which is one of my go to places 415 00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:31,000 Speaker 1: for finding some of these studies, an amazing resource if 416 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,879 Speaker 1: you are a psychology student, I will say, but it 417 00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:39,360 Speaker 1: explains why this personification is so powerful. When we name 418 00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:44,400 Speaker 1: our inner critic. This leverages a concept called cognitive diffusion, 419 00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:48,479 Speaker 1: and it's a process by which we separate ourselves and 420 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:52,960 Speaker 1: our identity from our thoughts. So diffusion is shown to 421 00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:58,200 Speaker 1: reduce discomfort, It reduces stress, It reduces particularly stress around 422 00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:04,240 Speaker 1: negative thoughts, and it also promotes psychological flexibility, or the 423 00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:08,040 Speaker 1: capacity to be aware and open and to adapt to 424 00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:12,520 Speaker 1: your changing emotional circumstances. You know, it's not your thoughts, 425 00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:15,480 Speaker 1: do not own you. That's what cognitive diffusion says. Your 426 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:19,479 Speaker 1: thoughts are just a thought. There's also this incredible theory 427 00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:25,000 Speaker 1: in psychology called radical self compassion. I could talk about 428 00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:28,800 Speaker 1: this idea for ours. It's possibly my new favorite theory, 429 00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:33,239 Speaker 1: and it initially arose as just radical compassion, and it 430 00:29:33,320 --> 00:29:37,760 Speaker 1: was used to describe a specific type of empathy towards 431 00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:42,200 Speaker 1: other people that this philosopher can lamp it. He suggested 432 00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:47,160 Speaker 1: that loving others unconditionally kind of has a healing element 433 00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:50,600 Speaker 1: to it. When we love others deeply, we can heal them, 434 00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:54,200 Speaker 1: We can alleviate what they're going through. And when we 435 00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:58,600 Speaker 1: direct that compassion and love towards ourselves, we can heal 436 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:02,120 Speaker 1: ourselves and stop being so hard on ourselves. We do 437 00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:06,280 Speaker 1: this by emulating the kind of love we would typically 438 00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:11,120 Speaker 1: receive from others and giving that love to ourselves, redirecting it. 439 00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:14,440 Speaker 1: We don't need to earn it our self. Compassion is 440 00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:18,720 Speaker 1: radical and freely given. Think about it in terms of 441 00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:21,360 Speaker 1: the five love languages to kind of structure our thinking. 442 00:30:21,480 --> 00:30:25,960 Speaker 1: So those are words of affirmation, quality, time, receiving gifts, 443 00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:30,080 Speaker 1: acts of service, and physical touch. You need to adapt 444 00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:34,240 Speaker 1: and adopt those love languages and direct them towards yourself. 445 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:39,320 Speaker 1: Speak kind words. Say two things to yourself every day 446 00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:42,520 Speaker 1: that are positive. Tell yourself that you are proud of 447 00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:45,600 Speaker 1: how far you've come. Tell others that you are proud 448 00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:48,040 Speaker 1: of yourself, as you would say that you are proud 449 00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:51,240 Speaker 1: of your friends or your family members. I would also 450 00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:55,480 Speaker 1: say make time to spend with your thoughts. My favorite 451 00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:58,760 Speaker 1: activity is solo dates. And one of my friends, claud 452 00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:02,640 Speaker 1: who is on the show so recently shared this amazing 453 00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:06,000 Speaker 1: practice that they have where once a month they go 454 00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:09,080 Speaker 1: to a different Italian restaurant in Sydney and get a 455 00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:12,480 Speaker 1: glass of wine a pasta and they journal about how 456 00:31:12,520 --> 00:31:15,360 Speaker 1: they're feeling and where they see the next month going. 457 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:19,560 Speaker 1: That is self love, that is self compassion, and it 458 00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:24,520 Speaker 1: counteracts that negative self image. You know. That's adapt those 459 00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:27,320 Speaker 1: further by yourself a little trait every now and again, 460 00:31:27,840 --> 00:31:30,840 Speaker 1: not because you've worked hard for it, not because you've 461 00:31:30,880 --> 00:31:35,240 Speaker 1: been quote unquote good, but because you deserve to have 462 00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:38,880 Speaker 1: nice things. You deserve to feel happy. Make your bed 463 00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:41,360 Speaker 1: in the morning, clean your room in the evening because 464 00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:44,160 Speaker 1: you know that your future self will thank you the 465 00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:46,920 Speaker 1: same way that you would want others to do upon you. 466 00:31:47,040 --> 00:31:50,280 Speaker 1: With acts of service you can do upon to yourself, 467 00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:57,240 Speaker 1: and finally, give yourself physical touch. This sounds really strange 468 00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:00,680 Speaker 1: sometimes when I explain it to people, but which actually 469 00:32:00,720 --> 00:32:04,760 Speaker 1: activates our parasympathetic nervous system. That is what helps us 470 00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:08,200 Speaker 1: exit flight or flight mode, and it helps us feel 471 00:32:08,200 --> 00:32:12,440 Speaker 1: safe and calm. And we can physically self sooth and 472 00:32:12,520 --> 00:32:17,120 Speaker 1: create that same reaction by doing things like placing one 473 00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:19,240 Speaker 1: hand over our heart and the other hand over our 474 00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:22,480 Speaker 1: shoulder and just giving a tight squeeze or caressing our 475 00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:26,320 Speaker 1: own face. That is radical self compassion. It's saying you 476 00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:29,040 Speaker 1: don't need to earn the love that you give yourself. 477 00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:31,760 Speaker 1: It is freely given, It is yours. If you don't 478 00:32:31,800 --> 00:32:34,440 Speaker 1: see how this relates to minimizing your inner critic, I 479 00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:38,239 Speaker 1: want to explain a little bit further. We know that 480 00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:42,240 Speaker 1: one of the root causes of being hard on ourselves 481 00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:46,480 Speaker 1: is feeling like you are undeserving of love or empathy, 482 00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:52,000 Speaker 1: or seeking validation from others because you're of childhood deprivation, 483 00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:56,880 Speaker 1: or an intense pressure to prove yourself, or bullying. But 484 00:32:56,960 --> 00:33:01,640 Speaker 1: when you institute radical self compassion, you give yourself the 485 00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:05,120 Speaker 1: permission that maybe others haven't given you to feel good, 486 00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:08,880 Speaker 1: to celebrate yourself, to be loved. And before we ask 487 00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:11,680 Speaker 1: others to do that for us, we need to find 488 00:33:11,720 --> 00:33:16,160 Speaker 1: a way to reach that conclusion and deliver that feeling 489 00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:19,720 Speaker 1: on an individual level. And there have been so many 490 00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:25,200 Speaker 1: experiments that have shown self compassion reduces the negative effects 491 00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:29,280 Speaker 1: of shame and self criticism, and it's even created its 492 00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:34,040 Speaker 1: own type of therapeutic practice called compassion focused therapy. So 493 00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:36,520 Speaker 1: there you go look into that as well. I find 494 00:33:36,560 --> 00:33:40,720 Speaker 1: that is so fascinating. Some other strategies are to do 495 00:33:40,800 --> 00:33:45,760 Speaker 1: a bit of a mental and social detox. Sometimes it's 496 00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:48,960 Speaker 1: the things in our environment that are causing us to 497 00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:56,000 Speaker 1: be excessively negative, maybe a particularly strained toxic friendship or 498 00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:59,160 Speaker 1: a bad habit that is bringing forward a lot of guilt. 499 00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:02,160 Speaker 1: So do a bit of a stock of your life 500 00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:06,360 Speaker 1: what feels good, what doesn't? What is creating a negative 501 00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:09,200 Speaker 1: thought spiral? And is it possible to eliminate this from 502 00:34:09,239 --> 00:34:12,600 Speaker 1: your life. One of the things that my therapist actually 503 00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:15,800 Speaker 1: said to me as well is like, and what days 504 00:34:15,840 --> 00:34:17,640 Speaker 1: do you feel the best about yourself? And what are 505 00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:20,160 Speaker 1: you doing on those days? What are you wearing on 506 00:34:20,239 --> 00:34:23,399 Speaker 1: those days? And on what days are you feeling bad 507 00:34:23,440 --> 00:34:25,719 Speaker 1: about yourself? What do you do on those days? What 508 00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:27,920 Speaker 1: are you wearing, who are you interacting with, what are 509 00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:31,960 Speaker 1: you eating? All of those little things really do contribute 510 00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:35,480 Speaker 1: to our self image on a day to day basis. Also, 511 00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:38,600 Speaker 1: further to that idea kind of of not treating self 512 00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:42,640 Speaker 1: criticism like an enemy. Another way to bring it under 513 00:34:42,680 --> 00:34:49,399 Speaker 1: our control is to almost counterintuitively give ourselves the occasional 514 00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:54,920 Speaker 1: permission to be a bit mean. You can't always quit 515 00:34:55,440 --> 00:35:00,560 Speaker 1: cold turkey, especially if that negative self talk is a 516 00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:06,120 Speaker 1: deeply ingrained thought pattern. So instead, give yourself five minutes 517 00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:09,000 Speaker 1: a day to think those negative thoughts. If you really 518 00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:12,640 Speaker 1: can't break out of them, contain the habit, and then 519 00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:15,320 Speaker 1: you can be like, Okay, I gave myself five minutes. 520 00:35:15,400 --> 00:35:18,960 Speaker 1: I did that. I let myself feel bad, I let 521 00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:23,000 Speaker 1: myself be cruel, and that part of my day is done. 522 00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:26,360 Speaker 1: Those thoughts are going to remain in that moment, and 523 00:35:26,440 --> 00:35:29,880 Speaker 1: my life is going to go on. It's also important 524 00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:33,080 Speaker 1: to just be neutral towards your thoughts, especially as they 525 00:35:33,280 --> 00:35:38,040 Speaker 1: relate to your perceived failures or imperfections. A thought is 526 00:35:38,120 --> 00:35:41,600 Speaker 1: just a thought. It's not the truth. You can think it, 527 00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:44,440 Speaker 1: and you don't have to believe it. It can just exist. 528 00:35:45,440 --> 00:35:49,719 Speaker 1: That was a really powerful realization for me, not just 529 00:35:49,800 --> 00:35:53,200 Speaker 1: in relation to my tendency to be hard on myself, 530 00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:57,319 Speaker 1: but also how I treat self doubt and anxiety and 531 00:35:57,440 --> 00:36:01,680 Speaker 1: even body dysmorphia and insecurity. Just because I think something 532 00:36:01,719 --> 00:36:06,120 Speaker 1: about myself does not make it true, and I think 533 00:36:06,239 --> 00:36:09,920 Speaker 1: all of those practices are incredibly liberating. We deserve to 534 00:36:10,760 --> 00:36:13,839 Speaker 1: have a peaceful mind. I think we can be our 535 00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:17,640 Speaker 1: own worst enemy. We can really take on the feedback 536 00:36:17,680 --> 00:36:21,040 Speaker 1: of others and make it our own and criticize as 537 00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:24,720 Speaker 1: a way to almost protect ourselves, but also to humble 538 00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:28,080 Speaker 1: ourselves and to make ourselves feel less than. You are 539 00:36:28,080 --> 00:36:30,120 Speaker 1: not the only one, I promise. I think that this 540 00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:33,799 Speaker 1: is highly common in this generation, especially because we have 541 00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:38,040 Speaker 1: so many points to elicit social comparison. Like I talk 542 00:36:38,080 --> 00:36:41,120 Speaker 1: about the prominence of social media all the time. But 543 00:36:41,520 --> 00:36:43,160 Speaker 1: you know, it used to be that we could only 544 00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:46,160 Speaker 1: really view those in our in our community and in 545 00:36:46,160 --> 00:36:48,319 Speaker 1: our surroundings. And then we had the Internet, but it 546 00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:51,360 Speaker 1: was always in one corner of the house on the computer. 547 00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:54,799 Speaker 1: And now suddenly we can walk around every day with 548 00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:57,600 Speaker 1: the phone glued to our hands. And if at any 549 00:36:57,640 --> 00:37:00,319 Speaker 1: point we want to feel bad, we want to judge ourselves, 550 00:37:00,719 --> 00:37:02,680 Speaker 1: we can find a million ways to do that. We 551 00:37:02,680 --> 00:37:05,640 Speaker 1: can look at a million different pictures of other people's 552 00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:08,920 Speaker 1: perfect lives and perfect bodies and perfect jobs and just 553 00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:12,840 Speaker 1: feel inherently really crappy. So I don't think that that 554 00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:15,480 Speaker 1: is forever. I think that's something that we can act 555 00:37:15,520 --> 00:37:18,200 Speaker 1: out against and we can push back against. And I 556 00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:22,000 Speaker 1: just hope that this episode gave you some valuable insight 557 00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:26,839 Speaker 1: firstly and psycho education, but also some tips and some strategies. 558 00:37:27,160 --> 00:37:32,640 Speaker 1: Like I said, radical self compassion life changing, so life changing. 559 00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:37,200 Speaker 1: Cognitive diffusion also incredible. So this episode was definitely one 560 00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:41,080 Speaker 1: that I really enjoyed researching and putting together. As always, 561 00:37:41,160 --> 00:37:43,120 Speaker 1: if you enjoyed it and you think someone in your 562 00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:46,719 Speaker 1: life might enjoy it as well, please please feel free 563 00:37:46,719 --> 00:37:49,200 Speaker 1: to send them a link to this episode. You never 564 00:37:49,280 --> 00:37:51,920 Speaker 1: know what they'll take from it. Also, again, I'm going 565 00:37:52,000 --> 00:37:54,200 Speaker 1: to plug the Poetreon because I would love to see 566 00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:57,360 Speaker 1: more of my loyal listeners. Over there. You get access 567 00:37:57,400 --> 00:38:02,120 Speaker 1: to bonus episodes as content and newsletter, all of the 568 00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:06,400 Speaker 1: episode transcripts. You can vote on upcoming episodes free merch 569 00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:09,279 Speaker 1: and it's as little as one dollar a month, so 570 00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:11,800 Speaker 1: it goes a long way when a lot of people contribute. 571 00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:15,040 Speaker 1: I'll leave a link in the episode description and please 572 00:38:15,040 --> 00:38:18,400 Speaker 1: feel free to leave a five star review on Apple, Spotify, 573 00:38:18,440 --> 00:38:22,400 Speaker 1: wherever you're listening right now. If you did enjoy this episode, 574 00:38:22,560 --> 00:38:25,560 Speaker 1: we will be back next week. I will see you then.