Speaker 1: Welcome to Jay dot im a production of I Heart Radio.
Speaker 1: What's up everybody, Hi, it's been a few days. Welcome
Speaker 1: back to Jay dot Ilga podcast. It's me Joe Scott
Speaker 1: and I'm here with my friends Lah st Clair. How
Speaker 1: many of us have them? Oh Ada graydon dance? Look
Speaker 1: what about your friends? Yeah, I don't know, she said,
Speaker 1: be Hona, Yeah, yeah, it's to this day it bugs
Speaker 1: me out how they sold so many records that had
Speaker 1: so many souls out tours and ended up, you know,
Speaker 1: not making money. Yeah, just talking about t l C.
Speaker 1: You know, three famous friends. Just just listen to that song, like,
Speaker 1: I know so many people sing that song like I
Speaker 1: know I did, I still do. Those those songs are classic.
Speaker 1: Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls like that's good ship, big biggest
Speaker 1: song probably in the history of music, is up there
Speaker 1: with the big biggest songs ever. So yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: it's always it's always kind of wild how that happens.
Speaker 1: But you know, we know this business, we know how
Speaker 1: it works, we know how the artists end up on
Speaker 1: that that bottom part of the totem pole. And they
Speaker 1: really just came out of the time period where you know,
Speaker 1: if you weren't the songwriter, the producer or the label. Yeah,
Speaker 1: can shame on you, shameful you. Yeah. Look, today we
Speaker 1: are actually gonna be talking about when friendships go left.
Speaker 1: You know, you think you've got something good with someone,
Speaker 1: like you've been completely vulnerable and honest and even laughed
Speaker 1: a lot. You know, we shared some real deep ship,
Speaker 1: like you know, and all of a sudden, the friendship
Speaker 1: just dissipates and you can feel it, you can see it,
Speaker 1: you can damn near smell it and taste it, but
Speaker 1: you can't quite put your finger on what it is.
Speaker 1: I know that's happened to me a couple of times
Speaker 1: in this life where I'm like, what happened? What's going on?
Speaker 1: And my mom would say things like, well, did you
Speaker 1: do anything? And I'm like, not that I know of,
Speaker 1: Like if I don't know, it's an entire because it
Speaker 1: has you like in a spiral. You're like in a spiral,
Speaker 1: like did I do something? What I do? What did
Speaker 1: I say? What? What happened? I have been there. I
Speaker 1: had a situation some many many years ago. This is
Speaker 1: like the first time that's ever happened to me, And
Speaker 1: to this day, like we just never really addressed it.
Speaker 1: And and it's funny because we're friends with a lot
Speaker 1: of the same people and we just have not addressed
Speaker 1: it has been twenty four years. It wasn't worth it then, right,
Speaker 1: Like I mean, at the end of the day, if
Speaker 1: you neither one went to try to save it, attempted
Speaker 1: to save it, wasn't really uh. I think I tried
Speaker 1: to save it once and I don't know what happened.
Speaker 1: Like I mean, at the at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: I had I was a new mom, and so I
Speaker 1: was really trying to navigate a lot of big changes
Speaker 1: in my life. And so there's a possibility and and
Speaker 1: I mean, I can only own up to this because
Speaker 1: it has been the one friendship in my life that's
Speaker 1: ended that still kind of haunts me to this day.
Speaker 1: Like I've gotten to the point now in my life
Speaker 1: where I've experienced the end of a friendship and I'm
Speaker 1: actually fine with it. But this is one that ended
Speaker 1: when I was quite young, and I still don't really
Speaker 1: know what was the deal. And it did haunt me
Speaker 1: for a while because I kept thinking like, well, did
Speaker 1: I just not put enough time and energy into it?
Speaker 1: But did I have that time and energy you know,
Speaker 1: my life was changing at the time. And some years
Speaker 1: later we d m on Facebook and I mentioned I'm
Speaker 1: just not sure why we're not friends anymore or why
Speaker 1: we don't talk, and she just never responded wow, And
Speaker 1: I was like wow, And it's funny because, like I said,
Speaker 1: to this day, we're still friends with the same people
Speaker 1: and we really just we exist in the same space,
Speaker 1: but we just do not talk. Did you find your
Speaker 1: help thinking more about why it happened? Then? Damn I
Speaker 1: miss it. I spent more time saying why did it happen?
Speaker 1: Because I did a mind job on me trying to
Speaker 1: figure out like was I wrong and my bad person?
Speaker 1: It was I did I do something that I shouldn't
Speaker 1: have done? And in my doing that still because for
Speaker 1: a long time I felt like and it really made
Speaker 1: me look at my other friendships because I was like,
Speaker 1: well and my selfish, did I'm not give enough? And
Speaker 1: I think I overdid it in friendships with other people
Speaker 1: in the following years because I was afraid that it
Speaker 1: would happen to me again and it was just really
Speaker 1: kind of trauma to eies and to be honest, because
Speaker 1: this was like, I mean, I won't get into too
Speaker 1: many details. I don't know who listens to this podcast.
Speaker 1: I ain't Trump put nobody business and I know, right, oh,
Speaker 1: a couple of a couple of times, we guess. I
Speaker 1: have had to have some long conversation and mend some friendships.
Speaker 1: I've had to mend some friendships in which I'm so
Speaker 1: grateful for and I'm so glad she is listening. Okay,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I just feel like this is one
Speaker 1: of the things. This is one of the things they
Speaker 1: were Yeah, yeah, we're gonna get in trouble. Yeah. I mean,
Speaker 1: I feel like this is so specific that she, if
Speaker 1: she is listening, she knows who I'm talking about. But
Speaker 1: the thing about it was that it was just really
Speaker 1: hurtful for me, And even to this day, I sometimes
Speaker 1: will think like I wonder what did I do. But
Speaker 1: now I'm older, and I feel like I've had so
Speaker 1: many other relationships and I feel like, Okay, I'm I'm
Speaker 1: clear on the type of friend I am, So you
Speaker 1: gotta do nothing like sometimes these friendships, I mean, not
Speaker 1: for that. Sometimes it happens when you start living your
Speaker 1: life in certain ways. Some friends are envious and they
Speaker 1: don't want to admit to that. And they can't. They
Speaker 1: don't want to feed the monster, but the monsters feeding
Speaker 1: it anyway. And that's how it chooses to do it
Speaker 1: by disassociating itself. And I've always struggled with the jealousy thing,
Speaker 1: right that. This has always been a struggle and Lah
Speaker 1: knows this because we've had this in personal conversations. I
Speaker 1: struggled with that, Like I just feel like, just then
Speaker 1: you must not know me. We must really not be friends,
Speaker 1: because you could never I don't understand jealousy, Like of
Speaker 1: what because if you're really up close on my life,
Speaker 1: you understand that all the beautiful things that exist come
Speaker 1: with a little extra package. Amen. So if you know me,
Speaker 1: then you can reconcile your jealousy if you need to be.
Speaker 1: You really should be able to like, oh, I'm jealous
Speaker 1: because she has X, Y and Z, but I know
Speaker 1: it comes with this, Like you should have that inner
Speaker 1: conversation with yourself if you know me, if you don't
Speaker 1: on me, then you can come up what other narrative
Speaker 1: you want to right, because you're not looking at the
Speaker 1: question is if you're a friend? Should you're not? Should
Speaker 1: you not even be having these thoughts? Like that's the
Speaker 1: whole thing. I think that most of the time, like humanity,
Speaker 1: like people get jealous and stuff is how you handle it,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. Like that's a damn, that's
Speaker 1: a nice car. I'm car. Damn that's a nice car. Whoa,
Speaker 1: that's a nice car. Now, when you get grown or
Speaker 1: when you wake up, you realize you celebrate the person
Speaker 1: because you know they put in the effort to get
Speaker 1: that thing, to earn that money, to pay that bill.
Speaker 1: You ain't got that, you know what I mean. So
Speaker 1: you have to put things in in the order perspective
Speaker 1: for yourself and be like, wow, congratulations for you friends.
Speaker 1: You're doing your friend. That's when you bump your friend
Speaker 1: up like you, you know what I mean, like instead
Speaker 1: of but don't say too many times or else you're
Speaker 1: reach it. And I know that you jealous. You know
Speaker 1: that one too. I'm just saying that the most that's nice. Girl.
Speaker 1: Yeah you girls doing it. Girl, you're doing it. As
Speaker 1: long as it's genuine right, as long as it's coming
Speaker 1: from a real good place, then it's okay. But when
Speaker 1: you start, when the when the girl you're you're doing it,
Speaker 1: you know, I see you you know something there like man,
Speaker 1: you may keep that. I'm like, what's that ship? That's
Speaker 1: so funny? It's not real congratulatory, that's that's nasty, got
Speaker 1: a little I call it snarky. But again, as we
Speaker 1: go through this ride of life, were also figuring out
Speaker 1: who is really our friend in that way? Right right,
Speaker 1: Like even if you have those moments when you feel
Speaker 1: that way, you talk it out, like you like, I'm
Speaker 1: sorry I was who I was snarky and I was
Speaker 1: just hating girl because I'm going through some ship, you
Speaker 1: know something just and everybody, you know what, it's funny
Speaker 1: because we all need to be in that place because
Speaker 1: you can't really call a person on it because a
Speaker 1: lot of times that just puts them on the defensive.
Speaker 1: And I will, I'll admit my sure it coms in
Speaker 1: that I'm just I don't know a bit of an avoider.
Speaker 1: It's like if you're not really if I don't feel safe,
Speaker 1: I just fall back, you know, like I'm not really
Speaker 1: the type to say, you know what, you hurt my
Speaker 1: feelings that time, or you did such as such and
Speaker 1: that upset me and I know that that's you know,
Speaker 1: I just gotta put it out there because I feel
Speaker 1: like we want to believe we can be healthy in
Speaker 1: certain situations, but it just takes a certain kind of personality,
Speaker 1: Like I feel like like he is like that, Like like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I like that about you because I feel like you're
Speaker 1: the type of person who's like you feel uncomfortable. You're
Speaker 1: gonna say that. I didn't like that. I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: do it. I'm like, uh, it's funny the phone ring.
Speaker 1: I won't talk. I'll just like fall back, find something
Speaker 1: else to do. But we need that for it's funny.
Speaker 1: And when we were talking about having this conversation, I
Speaker 1: thought about the three of us right and funny enough,
Speaker 1: like because we tell the truth on this on this show.
Speaker 1: And I was like, I've been in situations with the
Speaker 1: both of you where things could have been things could
Speaker 1: have went left, Like we could have just been like
Speaker 1: fuck it right and handled it two different ways, Like
Speaker 1: Jill called me on some ship once and I was like,
Speaker 1: oh ship, and then I had And it's funny, Asia,
Speaker 1: because you're right, when I was feeling some type of
Speaker 1: way about something with us, I had to call you.
Speaker 1: But the point of all that to me is is
Speaker 1: that we worked it out, and that's what makes those
Speaker 1: friendships worth it. That's why I went back to what
Speaker 1: you said about that other friendship, and I was like,
Speaker 1: if it was really something worth fighting for, you fight
Speaker 1: for it, right, even if there's some type of misunderstanding
Speaker 1: that you think you can't ever get over, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean? And not that that that wasn't that.
Speaker 1: We we just addressed it, you know, and then it
Speaker 1: was over. Oh and then when you know, like she
Speaker 1: was like, well, you know, I don't want to pits
Speaker 1: you off, you know how you are. And I was like, girls,
Speaker 1: shut up. I don't want nobody to be mad at me.
Speaker 1: I gotta think I do have a thing. That's why
Speaker 1: I got I probably had too many friends in my
Speaker 1: life because I really don't want people to be me
Speaker 1: mad at me. And I'm like, I never intend to
Speaker 1: hurt people, but sometimes I say stuff or I do stuff. Now,
Speaker 1: let me say that if I'm in the wrong. If
Speaker 1: I'm in the wrong, oh, I will address it now.
Speaker 1: If it's somebody who I feel wrong me, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: slide back. But if it was me, if I did it,
Speaker 1: then I like to nip that in the bud, I'd
Speaker 1: be like, yeah, hello, um what had happened. Was like, uh,
Speaker 1: because I don't. I don't. I don't want to be
Speaker 1: nobody did in a conversation. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: I ain't trying to do that. You are, but but
Speaker 1: you aren't there at all us Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere you are. Trust.
Speaker 1: Trust It's fine. Actually, somebody trolled me once on the
Speaker 1: internet one time, and I figured it with somebody, I
Speaker 1: must have piste off at some point in my life.
Speaker 1: So I was like, oh, wow, for you, I said
Speaker 1: a little I got a little crew of them. I'm
Speaker 1: pretty sure, yeah I do. I'm like, I don't know,
Speaker 1: I never really liked you like that, so I don't know.
Speaker 1: Be be what you are, be mad. I'm I'm pretty great.
Speaker 1: I'm all right, we're gonna take a quick break and
Speaker 1: then we'll be right back. I think like when you
Speaker 1: have these vulnerable moments, if you can't have them, then
Speaker 1: the relationship is like screwed ay, that's one. I mean
Speaker 1: you you become friends off a vulnerable moment anyway, Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: like real friends because we're candid and naked and you know,
Speaker 1: in a sense with each other. But the other thing is,
Speaker 1: see with layah or real mean, since we talked about it,
Speaker 1: I know your intentions are could m hm. I know that,
Speaker 1: So you know I might be like, god damn it,
Speaker 1: lie here. You know, then I don't calling you and
Speaker 1: say exactly that, God damn lie here. You know what
Speaker 1: I mean? But I know your intentions are good. You
Speaker 1: know that's different's intentions. Yeah, you might want to Yeah,
Speaker 1: so let's talk about those persons and you think what
Speaker 1: their intentions because I don't want to make a quick judgment.
Speaker 1: But um, and I also think, I mean, it's it's
Speaker 1: it's really important to acknowledge the fact that, like in
Speaker 1: jail situation, it can be even more difficult because it
Speaker 1: just comes with so much weird stuff with people's intentions
Speaker 1: and stuff that is like uh, you know, yeah, you
Speaker 1: you gotta ask some extra additional questions and give people
Speaker 1: some extra additional buffer time. I'm sure you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. I don't know. I've had the same friends
Speaker 1: for such a long time. I go into fast. It's
Speaker 1: like if I feel, you know, like, let's just say
Speaker 1: it's all in the course of a workday, Like I'll
Speaker 1: feel it and be like what was that? That was odd?
Speaker 1: And then the next time I feel something else in
Speaker 1: the same kind of energy, like mm hmm, okay, you
Speaker 1: know I'm not bugging. I see this, this is actually happening.
Speaker 1: And then it happens again, and I'm like all right,
Speaker 1: and I could literally hear a sound in myself like
Speaker 1: I'm like, hey, listen, what the is going on? You're like,
Speaker 1: you're starky, funny acting what's up? And I get real fooly,
Speaker 1: like what's going on? Like it something you need to
Speaker 1: tell me? Like, cause because this energy is not it
Speaker 1: We're better than that. When did when did we stick
Speaker 1: to this still? And then that, of course is not
Speaker 1: probably the right way to handle it. Um, I mean,
Speaker 1: at least you're handling that. I mean, it's probably I
Speaker 1: probably need to go somewhere down for a while and
Speaker 1: take a couple of breaths or whatever. But by the
Speaker 1: time the sound gets all the way too, I'm there,
Speaker 1: I think. So I'm like, so, yeah, you're gonna get
Speaker 1: three strikes, You're gonna be you out. Let's talk what's up?
Speaker 1: He can? Can? We can we talk about whatever's going
Speaker 1: on here? Because I feel it. And that's one of
Speaker 1: the things that I appreciate about this age is that
Speaker 1: I feel some ship. I feel it. Okay, I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna it's not me tripping or being extra or bugging
Speaker 1: or whatever. Like something is off. Something is off. I'm
Speaker 1: aware of it. Maybe you're not aware of it. Maybe
Speaker 1: it's not even my place to make you aware of it,
Speaker 1: but it's affecting me and that that we can't do.
Speaker 1: You know. I've had I've had the same best friends
Speaker 1: since birth. Basically my mom was best friends with her
Speaker 1: mom and now and we've been friends my whole life.
Speaker 1: And her name is I ain't gonna give her last
Speaker 1: name because I don't want to put her whole gout
Speaker 1: men out there, but am did she listen to us? Um?
Speaker 1: But yeah, we were first, And I really want to
Speaker 1: shout out because, like you know, we've been friends for
Speaker 1: so long, We've been through so many stages of life,
Speaker 1: you know, and we've had some really difficult conversations in
Speaker 1: terms of like the way that we relate to each
Speaker 1: other and and and kind of tweaking that over the years.
Speaker 1: And I remember one thing that happened with us that
Speaker 1: was U I guess fairly recent and that um, she
Speaker 1: was going through some things, you know, just life things
Speaker 1: you know, and we tend to talk about it a lot,
Speaker 1: and I was just kind of starting to feel over
Speaker 1: time that our friendship was like really kind of centered
Speaker 1: around what was happening in her life, and I didn't
Speaker 1: even at least say anything about it. You know. Sometimes
Speaker 1: I think she kind of noticed that I would confide
Speaker 1: in other people, and I think it started to become
Speaker 1: clear that I wasn't really confiding in her. And she
Speaker 1: came back to me and was like, look, I want
Speaker 1: to hear about what's going on in your life, because
Speaker 1: I realized that we have spent a lot of time
Speaker 1: on what's happening with me, and and it was rightfully so,
Speaker 1: you know, there were things happening that needed to be addressed,
Speaker 1: and she needed friendship, love care, extra care, because we
Speaker 1: all go through times when we need that bit extra,
Speaker 1: you know. And so but there were things going on
Speaker 1: in my life that were pretty you know, pretty intense also,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. And and so one of
Speaker 1: the things that I that I really like about her
Speaker 1: is that she was able to step back and kind
Speaker 1: of assess without me having to be so again, do
Speaker 1: the extra labor of saying, oh, well you did or
Speaker 1: can you do? Or X, Y and Z that dope
Speaker 1: a self audit, That's what I'm saying, Like, I think
Speaker 1: a lot of times in order if if if a
Speaker 1: friendship goes left, if you want to save it, or
Speaker 1: even if you don't think it can be saved, there
Speaker 1: is still rooming there for a self audit to say
Speaker 1: not what did I do, but just to be thinking
Speaker 1: about how you're functioning within the relationship, because it's not
Speaker 1: really that different from your lover or you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. It's like you still have to figure out,
Speaker 1: you know, how are you showing up? Because really, in
Speaker 1: a lot of ways, how you show up in this
Speaker 1: one might very well be the way you're showing up
Speaker 1: in some of your other friendships. And folks just ain't
Speaker 1: saying nothing about it. Let me slide. Yeah, Can I
Speaker 1: just tell y'all I had I had a friend tell
Speaker 1: me once and it's funny. She said, she put me
Speaker 1: aside and she was like, you're just not being a
Speaker 1: good friend to me right now, and you need to
Speaker 1: be a better friend. And I was like, this is interesting, right,
Speaker 1: because of course I did like Asia, And I was like,
Speaker 1: what I do? I started, you know, and she she
Speaker 1: had told me still, but also just like, am I
Speaker 1: really doing this? And then I started checking with some
Speaker 1: other friends and some people be like, no, see it.
Speaker 1: And then I also thought about how different friends are
Speaker 1: different people and you have to attend to them and
Speaker 1: that's way in that way accordingly right, so although uh
Speaker 1: most especially well it's funny. I asked I rise one
Speaker 1: of my best friends. I was like, is im I
Speaker 1: really like that? She was like, no, I'm good, Like
Speaker 1: it's good, and I said, but you know what, you
Speaker 1: ain't her, and so if she requires something different, and
Speaker 1: if I can self auder and think of our relationship
Speaker 1: in the last couple of years and what I've done
Speaker 1: and how many calls I've made and birthday as I'm
Speaker 1: out of missed and things like that, I was like,
Speaker 1: you know what, she might be right, I could call someone,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. And I was like, and
Speaker 1: this is a relationship worth saving. This is you know,
Speaker 1: a twenty something in your relationship, and this is a
Speaker 1: person that when I call, I know she will be there.
Speaker 1: So bucket. This is the forties. I think most of
Speaker 1: my friendships they kind of get me, get me so
Speaker 1: they know that I grew up as a job ah witness.
Speaker 1: So birthday slide by, like you know, like hot butter
Speaker 1: on the sidewalk, they just just melt away. I really
Speaker 1: don't think about them. Um, I'll even forget mine. I mean,
Speaker 1: Jets was obviously a big moment, so I don't forget his.
Speaker 1: But I don't forget a birthday. Man, It'll be the
Speaker 1: day or the day after or three days after. And
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, ship, I sucked. And then I started
Speaker 1: my sittings off when I sucked. I'm sorry. You know,
Speaker 1: do you have like one friend, Jill, do you have
Speaker 1: like one friend that's like that. You know, we all
Speaker 1: got that one friend. It's like, it's my birth it's
Speaker 1: my birthday, is my birthday? Mom? I want like all
Speaker 1: of that. And you know this is this one friend.
Speaker 1: You have this one friend who's like, come on, Jill,
Speaker 1: come on you every year, come on, I do it,
Speaker 1: every I do it. I'm terrible at that. I'm just
Speaker 1: terrible at it. And then I'm not on face book anymore,
Speaker 1: so I don't have Facebook to remind me. You know
Speaker 1: somebody you know, so I don't. I don't. I don't
Speaker 1: play with her. Well, you don't have Facebook, so that's
Speaker 1: actually a good cop out. I mean my bad. I
Speaker 1: know man people, and you know I ain't got Facebook
Speaker 1: like everybody else. That's a good that's right there, that's
Speaker 1: your out. I want to know my girlfriend, a very
Speaker 1: close girlfriend of mine. She has been amazing, like just
Speaker 1: she's strong. She is completely hilarious and helped me to
Speaker 1: laugh in some really really dark times and has gone
Speaker 1: out of her way for me in a way that
Speaker 1: I just wait, like above and beyond in a in
Speaker 1: a very very challenging time in my life. And all
Speaker 1: of a sudden, she stopped answering my phone call all
Speaker 1: of a sudden, like she you know, I'm sending text messages.
Speaker 1: They go on for for months and I'm like, what
Speaker 1: the hell is going on? And finally finally she called
Speaker 1: me and she was like, did anybody ever tell you
Speaker 1: you're inconsiderate? I was like no, and she was like,
Speaker 1: well they should, And I was like, why she didn't
Speaker 1: tell you sooner? Before she got on the fat up
Speaker 1: she probably She said she had some other ship in
Speaker 1: her life to do, okay, And I was like, well, okay,
Speaker 1: I guess I understand that, but I took that. I
Speaker 1: definitely took that. And I sat with that thing, and
Speaker 1: I rolled it around quite a bit, like are you
Speaker 1: inconsiderate of other people? I would be devastated because I'm
Speaker 1: that person where once or something gets in the mind
Speaker 1: with me, it's hard for me to quiet that, especially
Speaker 1: like that. That a definitive statement like that, girl, you
Speaker 1: did that. Let me just say this, Let me first
Speaker 1: say you did that is to be able to know
Speaker 1: what I'm serious, to be able to set with that
Speaker 1: and get through it, girl. And I hate that I've
Speaker 1: allowed people to have that kind of power over me. Oh,
Speaker 1: I thought about it quite a bit. I thought about
Speaker 1: it a lot, and because at first I was like,
Speaker 1: I just I disagree. That's not the conversation that we had.
Speaker 1: You know, you said this to me and I thought
Speaker 1: you meant and you know, I didn't know that that
Speaker 1: wasn't what you meant. Basically, we had a miscommunication. But
Speaker 1: I understood how she felt and how she looked at it.
Speaker 1: And I don't want to say I internalized it, because
Speaker 1: that's not that's too deep, that's too heavy. But I apologized.
Speaker 1: I apologized. I can see where you're coming from. At first,
Speaker 1: I could not, but since I know it starts with
Speaker 1: a miscommunication and a misunderstanding. Okay, that's fair enough. I
Speaker 1: am so sorry, and that will not happen again. That's
Speaker 1: fair enough. And then later on, later on, maybe about
Speaker 1: a year or two later, a very similar situation happened
Speaker 1: with me. So what it was was I was invited
Speaker 1: to come over and kick it, and I had my
Speaker 1: boyfriend at the time with me, and I told her
Speaker 1: that that's what I thought. She said. I said, it's
Speaker 1: okay if he comes with. She said, bring who you want.
Speaker 1: That's what I heard. Maybe that's not what we're saying,
Speaker 1: but that's what I heard. So I brought him and um, good,
Speaker 1: my good brother. So we came over there, laughing, cheesing
Speaker 1: and talking and hanging out and and that. She was like,
Speaker 1: is he even your boyfriend anymore? And he wasn't. So
Speaker 1: she was like, you know, you can't just go bring
Speaker 1: into willy nilly to my career. And I was like,
Speaker 1: fair enough, fair enough. I didn't know he was gonna
Speaker 1: be willy nilly. You know, I had no idea. I
Speaker 1: wonder what you know, we have discussed these friendships that
Speaker 1: we have preserved, but when it goes left and you
Speaker 1: let it keep on going, Yeah, yeah, I mean, I
Speaker 1: don't know. I've had a hard time like kind of
Speaker 1: asserting my needs in in various relationships. And I want
Speaker 1: you to. I so want you to. I have I
Speaker 1: want you to. Want you to tell me and tell
Speaker 1: lie and tell anybody else what you need because again,
Speaker 1: I think you're awesome. I think you're awesome. Thank you,
Speaker 1: love bugs, thank you. All right, I've gotten better. We
Speaker 1: love you to. Like, no, Liya, is that work? And honestly,
Speaker 1: let me just say this before I even tell the story,
Speaker 1: but it's like, Liya, is that work? Because like I said,
Speaker 1: she's a very very solid asked woman, a very very
Speaker 1: solid woman in that she is not going to lie
Speaker 1: to you, but she has compassion and consideration, and when
Speaker 1: she when she feels as if she's abandoned that that
Speaker 1: she's very quick to say I'm sorry or I didn't
Speaker 1: mean to do that, or I was speaking from this
Speaker 1: place or X, Y and Z. But still very grounded
Speaker 1: in who you are. You're not a person who's gonna
Speaker 1: flip flop depending on who's around. You're grounded in who
Speaker 1: you are, but yet very solid human being. So I
Speaker 1: don't know who has anything else to say about it?
Speaker 1: But you know whatever I said, what I said, more
Speaker 1: real talk after the break. When you lose the benefit
Speaker 1: of the doubt with a friend, I think the friendship
Speaker 1: so when when you're yea, I think you know the answer,
Speaker 1: when you know the answer and the answer ain't good
Speaker 1: with you. You know what I'm saying. I don't let
Speaker 1: many friendships go, but I have one. I had to
Speaker 1: let it. I let it fade away because I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I know the answer. You he was visiting anyway, So okay,
Speaker 1: that's cool. I don't want no visitors. Maybe I'm wrong,
Speaker 1: but I will. I will let a friendship go over
Speaker 1: money too. Mm See, Jill, you don't I don't even.
Speaker 1: I don't even, but you know that you know that.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I listened that my shoes a year, barely
Speaker 1: having tokens to get to school. It sad, I know,
Speaker 1: empty empty cupboards, cabinets. Yeah, what I'm saying, like, what
Speaker 1: what what's seven hundred dollars to you? The same thing
Speaker 1: when we took you, The same thing it is to you.
Speaker 1: But if somebody says that you ain't the one, that's
Speaker 1: my point. Like, if you're gonna say what's that you
Speaker 1: ain't you ain't the me. I feel like you've parted.
Speaker 1: We parted ways over over seven hundred dollars, and I
Speaker 1: bought my freedom, I supposed, so it's one of the
Speaker 1: seven hundred dollars. I think the seven hundred dollars is
Speaker 1: just like the icing. It's not really the seven hundred dollars.
Speaker 1: It's a situation about considerations. Yeah, it's consideration and respect
Speaker 1: those kinds of things. Because I feel like I've had
Speaker 1: situations where people where I'm very giving of my time
Speaker 1: and energy and and and and folks will feel like
Speaker 1: entitled to that because I'm so generous with it. I
Speaker 1: never said that it wasn't valuable or that I wasn't
Speaker 1: sacrificing something to give it. I just said I was
Speaker 1: willing right. So if you when when I give it,
Speaker 1: and then it's like you think you owed that because
Speaker 1: you think I have it to give or because and
Speaker 1: that's not money, that's just time, energy, effort, and accessibility.
Speaker 1: And I think that the respect level is gonna exist
Speaker 1: no matter what it is, is that whatever that currency
Speaker 1: is that you bring to the relationship, if people don't
Speaker 1: have any respect for that, they're gonna use it. They're
Speaker 1: going to abuse it. They're going to treat it like
Speaker 1: it's nothing. And then that's like you and say, well,
Speaker 1: what's that to you? You know, what's it to you?
Speaker 1: And why did you change? You were you were so loving,
Speaker 1: you were so giving. Why did you change? Because I'm
Speaker 1: not getting it in return? And the it's just the respect.
Speaker 1: It's just the respect. It's just the respect. It's a
Speaker 1: good way to weed out giving our gifts and doing
Speaker 1: stuff and haven't given it getting all that energy and
Speaker 1: emotional energy from somebody else in these conversations that ain't
Speaker 1: really sincere good, Yeah say that to me now I
Speaker 1: can Okay, good, you're gonna oh okay, I get you
Speaker 1: know what I have to give? Yeah, okay, Yeah, that's
Speaker 1: what I'm saying because that's the thing is that now
Speaker 1: we were understanding that being in relationship with anyone is labor,
Speaker 1: and I'm and you want to You're only gonna use
Speaker 1: it when it it's worth it. And it's like, well, yeah, no,
Speaker 1: I'm not about to give you this extra labor. No,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna do that. And like I said, for me,
Speaker 1: I've had a hard time with this. So I just
Speaker 1: wanted to all the listeners out there that that you know,
Speaker 1: you know, we all talked about on the internet. People
Speaker 1: talk big talk on the internet. I'll block, I'll put
Speaker 1: you out my life, I'll stop talking to you, I'll
Speaker 1: such and such, such and such. I'm sorry, I can't relate.
Speaker 1: I've never been that person. I've had a hard time
Speaker 1: with that. So I know that asserting oneself in a
Speaker 1: way that says that you're honoring your own boundaries, and
Speaker 1: particularly with someone who you would call a friend. When
Speaker 1: I was socialized to believe friendship meant sacrificing and being
Speaker 1: there and doing for people and blah blah blah blah blah,
Speaker 1: and that's what you do. You show up, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, and me having a really really pull
Speaker 1: back and decide, like how much of that is really true?
Speaker 1: You know what I mean? I could have done some
Speaker 1: of that. Yeah, I gotta go. Some of that has
Speaker 1: to go. And many people, many people have benefited from
Speaker 1: my inability to do that. I've been many many have benefited.
Speaker 1: It takes a lot for me to get there. It
Speaker 1: takes a lot, Oh, it takes a lot. I'm not
Speaker 1: the I'm not the one that comes out swinging right
Speaker 1: away like it takes a lot. Yeah, I kind of
Speaker 1: want to forgive you because I'm just like, oh, whatever
Speaker 1: you're going through, I didn't do it, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, like, Oh, I feel sorry for you all
Speaker 1: you're hurting this side. Oh you know, but once you
Speaker 1: get me to that place, I don't have a problem
Speaker 1: never speaking to you. I don't have a problem walking
Speaker 1: past you like you never existed. Like there's literal uh air,
Speaker 1: just space where you are. I could look directly through
Speaker 1: you once we get there, Once we get there. One
Speaker 1: more fact that since we talk energy, have you ever
Speaker 1: had a friend that you've had to distant yourself with
Speaker 1: because their energy was so consistently drawing? Yeah, and they
Speaker 1: didn't they weren't doing anything about it, right, Because that's
Speaker 1: the key. I mean, people have got the depression that
Speaker 1: got issue all. But I want to say that because
Speaker 1: don't want to be insensitive. No, I have to say
Speaker 1: I think I know exactly what you're talking about, and yeah, yes,
Speaker 1: And I ventured to say that because of that, I'm
Speaker 1: more cognizant of it doing that myself when I'm in
Speaker 1: a space draining other people, draining other people, like because
Speaker 1: I experienced it before, and I know the person who
Speaker 1: did it to me was not aware, and they yeah,
Speaker 1: they were not aware. And I was like, how do
Speaker 1: I create boundaries but then still let this person know
Speaker 1: I love them and care about them, but still create
Speaker 1: some space for myself so that I'm not walking away
Speaker 1: totally depleted. You know. But at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: I have a cousin that my cousin d D and
Speaker 1: I call her. We call her Yoda, And because she
Speaker 1: always has the answer okay, And Yoda is always telling
Speaker 1: us that, you know, everybody has the ability to make
Speaker 1: a decision. That person made a decision to do what
Speaker 1: they're doing, and so you have your own decisions to make,
Speaker 1: and you cannot make your decisions based on what it
Speaker 1: is they're doing. You have to do it based on
Speaker 1: what it is going to be comfortable for you, because
Speaker 1: they're not going to decide one day to make you
Speaker 1: a part of their of of of that equation. They're
Speaker 1: going to continue to make decisions for themselves about themselves,
Speaker 1: with themselves in the center. And that's just a fact.
Speaker 1: We can have a portion of the show where we
Speaker 1: ask Yoda, oh, very now you stop would be honey,
Speaker 1: everything Yoda is everything. I was on phone with Yoda
Speaker 1: yesterday because because and it's funny because we all are
Speaker 1: on a group text. It's about seven of us, and
Speaker 1: we all take terms corner and be like, yeah, I
Speaker 1: talked to I talked to DD the other day, or
Speaker 1: I talked to Yoda yesterday, b blah blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: And we talked to each other about talking to Yoda.
Speaker 1: So it's like knows this, she already knows. You might
Speaker 1: not want to share, but what you know, like just
Speaker 1: uh like maybe somebody asked us a question or where
Speaker 1: we have a question, like let's call Yoda that Yeah,
Speaker 1: that'd be nice. But I do think again, it's that
Speaker 1: thing about making decisions. It's it's part of it self care.
Speaker 1: That's it's part of self care, part of it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: when you get older, you just don't have the room
Speaker 1: like you hadn't know. Yo. This is so ill, Yo.
Speaker 1: Consciously aging is so ill in that way where you
Speaker 1: acknowledge these things. Asia. I always I'm always get kind
Speaker 1: of like in a conscious shock of again like yeah,
Speaker 1: when I was twenty, I wasn't thinking like this. It really, y'all,
Speaker 1: it really does happen. I'm sorry, my girlfriend's son when
Speaker 1: he was a little he came over. He was like,
Speaker 1: I made dinner, and he said, I'm not hungry for that.
Speaker 1: And then first, you know, my mind was like that
Speaker 1: the fuck, what kind of extra spoiled you know, like
Speaker 1: the same thing you're talking about, I'm not hungry for that.
Speaker 1: I was like, well, what might you be hungry for?
Speaker 1: You know? I was like, but I feel like it's
Speaker 1: that way with our with our friendships too, Like I'm
Speaker 1: not hungry for that whatever, whatever that energy is that
Speaker 1: you're giving off where it doesn't quite feel like friendship
Speaker 1: or love, it doesn't quite feel like support. It kind
Speaker 1: of feels jealous, it kind of feels hurtful, you know,
Speaker 1: it's a little you know, you got a little snark
Speaker 1: in that in that energy. For whatever reason, it turns
Speaker 1: into something nice for a few minutes, and then it
Speaker 1: goes back to this thing. Well, I'm not hungry for that.
Speaker 1: And I'm gonna tell you this right now, what you
Speaker 1: have been I call it some bit shit. You call
Speaker 1: of what it is, because at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: it's like I feel like I've been thoroughly loved in
Speaker 1: my life. I feel like in friendships, in particular. I've
Speaker 1: been loved. I know what love feels like, so I'm
Speaker 1: clear on that. You make it easy, that feels like.
Speaker 1: So I'm like, when it don't feel like that, I'm
Speaker 1: playing my own self because it's like aga, it's not
Speaker 1: like you're in a situation where you don't know what
Speaker 1: that's supposed to feel like. And that's why I was like,
Speaker 1: I had to shake myself, you know, I'd be like
Speaker 1: I shake you, to shake my old self, like, girl,
Speaker 1: stop pretending like you are wasting our time, like cut
Speaker 1: it out, cut it the hell out. And I'm like
Speaker 1: I said, I'm only saying this because I feel like
Speaker 1: sometimes even in this moment, that we're our best selves.
Speaker 1: I know we're really honest on this podcast, but I
Speaker 1: feel like we do present our best selves. But this
Speaker 1: is something y'all hit it. I'm sorry, y'all really really
Speaker 1: hit something for me because I struggle, okay with that,
Speaker 1: and I'm so grateful to not be in that place
Speaker 1: anymore because it's like, oh gosh, I would let people
Speaker 1: say things to me. I've let people say things to
Speaker 1: me out their mouth that when I think about it,
Speaker 1: it upsets me. You know what, I'm saying, and I've
Speaker 1: let people do things in the name of oh I
Speaker 1: know where that comes from, or that's all right, they
Speaker 1: just or I'm good or that's okay, or they're this
Speaker 1: so that, and it's like, yeah, nah, nah, I'm never
Speaker 1: doing that ship again, never getting back on that. But
Speaker 1: imagine if that's your family, you know, if that's your people,
Speaker 1: your people, that it's some kind of underbelly of nastiness.
Speaker 1: I don't really I don't really care. I've well, I've
Speaker 1: I've definitely walked away from some friendships and I have
Speaker 1: walked away from from something Emily as well. Yeah, sometimes
Speaker 1: it's more hurtful away from the friendships. The family just
Speaker 1: blood connected anyway, so you feel my friends didn't done.
Speaker 1: You got memories though, you know, it's like that's that's
Speaker 1: summer when we all win. This is who you are,
Speaker 1: who I am, right, I can't I can't take that.
Speaker 1: And family sometimes it's like super triggering. Like you were
Speaker 1: in a part of a family and they didn't talk
Speaker 1: about certain things or do certain things, and you went
Speaker 1: off on your own and and did your personal work,
Speaker 1: you did your inner work. You can't come back into
Speaker 1: that circle and be all kiki ha with a bunch
Speaker 1: of people who are gonna say anything out the side
Speaker 1: of their mouth and do anything and then justify it
Speaker 1: by the fact that that's just the way that they
Speaker 1: do things within that structure, like the family, and so
Speaker 1: it's like, yeah, no, we were not doing that, and honestly,
Speaker 1: for real, for real, and with my children. I've allowed
Speaker 1: my children to make that decision for themselves too. And
Speaker 1: if they come to me and say I can't interact
Speaker 1: with so and so, and they tell me why, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, Okay, that's your choice. You do not have
Speaker 1: to do. You do not have to now now, Wymnut,
Speaker 1: you don't need you don't hit the trigger here. When
Speaker 1: when that happens? Because I mean, I'm currently in a
Speaker 1: situation like that and my kid has told me I
Speaker 1: don't ever need to see them ever again, and I'm
Speaker 1: good with making sure that that doesn't occur. What do
Speaker 1: I say on that note? We are going to um,
Speaker 1: We're gonna take a couple of breathing moments and come
Speaker 1: back and talk about this. This next level of of
Speaker 1: when when friendship goes left, but also when family does,
Speaker 1: what do what do you do? What do we do? There.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to the podcast Jay
Speaker 1: dot Ill. Please be blessed and look up, look up
Speaker 1: at the sky today. Thanks. How do you Eat an Elephant?
Speaker 1: One by it TI? Hey listeners, it's Amber here, the
Speaker 1: producer of jd i Ill and this episode, the ladies
Speaker 1: talked about letting go of toxic relationships and that sometimes
Speaker 1: includes family and friends. There's a lot to unpack there,
Speaker 1: from pain, to griefs to guilt. I want to leave
Speaker 1: you with an awesome article from the Pragmatic Parents on
Speaker 1: letting go of toxic family members. They cover everything from
Speaker 1: the signs to look out for and the steps to
Speaker 1: take when cutting off a harmful relationship. I'll drop the
Speaker 1: link in the show notes. Hi. If you have comments
Speaker 1: on something we said in this episode, call eight six
Speaker 1: six Hey Jill, if you want to add to this conversation,
Speaker 1: that's eight six six nine five four five five. Don't
Speaker 1: forget to tell us your name and the episode you're
Speaker 1: referring to. You might just hear your message on a
Speaker 1: future episode. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott presents
Speaker 1: Jay dot Ill. The podcast JA dot Ill is a
Speaker 1: production of I Heart Radio. For More podcast from I
Speaker 1: heart Radio, visit the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast,
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.