1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:03,600 Speaker 1: Native Lamplod is a production of iHeartRadio in partnership with 2 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:05,080 Speaker 1: Reason Choice. 3 00:00:04,680 --> 00:00:13,039 Speaker 2: Media research that says Black women are six times more 4 00:00:13,119 --> 00:00:17,280 Speaker 2: likely to be killed than white women and intimate partner violence. 5 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:21,079 Speaker 2: Forty five percent of Black women experience stalking, physical and 6 00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:24,520 Speaker 2: sexual violence in their lifetimes, and an estimated fifty one 7 00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:28,880 Speaker 2: percent of Black female adult homicides are related to intimate 8 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:33,320 Speaker 2: partner violence. That's according to the National Coalition against Domestic Violence. Gary, 9 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:37,400 Speaker 2: this is you know, an area that you know all 10 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:40,520 Speaker 2: too well, and I just really thought it was important 11 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:43,960 Speaker 2: seeing some of the things that you mentioned and shared 12 00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:46,440 Speaker 2: spaces that we're in. I would love for you to 13 00:00:46,479 --> 00:00:49,120 Speaker 2: share to thisy stent that you feel comfortable your own 14 00:00:50,159 --> 00:00:52,400 Speaker 2: experience with this. 15 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:58,000 Speaker 3: So first, thank you all for having the conversation I 16 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:04,120 Speaker 3: think is necessary. And two black men accountability is not 17 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:07,520 Speaker 3: an attack. I think that that's the beginning of the 18 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:12,240 Speaker 3: conversation for me. When the twenty twenty four election happened 19 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,680 Speaker 3: and people were dumping on black men for a host 20 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:17,360 Speaker 3: of reason, I was one of the first people to 21 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:20,080 Speaker 3: illuminate over eighty percent of black men did what we 22 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,760 Speaker 3: were supposed to do in that election. So when I 23 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,920 Speaker 3: come to these conversations, and I make certain critiques of 24 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:29,160 Speaker 3: us as brothers. I am not making those critiques from 25 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:32,680 Speaker 3: a place where I'm not with you, where I don't 26 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:36,440 Speaker 3: understand you, where I don't hear you. But in the 27 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:41,240 Speaker 3: time where our sisters, our mothers, our children are being 28 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:45,160 Speaker 3: murdered by black men, we need to say something different 29 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:49,720 Speaker 3: than what we've been saying. We need to pause in 30 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:52,960 Speaker 3: the same ways that we have demanded that America pause 31 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:57,200 Speaker 3: and here when we have been harmed, when what we 32 00:01:57,320 --> 00:02:02,559 Speaker 3: produce tells us that they don't feel safe, because every 33 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:07,040 Speaker 3: black woman, every black boy, is produced by a black man. 34 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:11,359 Speaker 4: First, we are the seed bearers. That is your seed 35 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:12,040 Speaker 4: in the earth. 36 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:17,200 Speaker 3: And every woman that is existing in this work is 37 00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:22,120 Speaker 3: somebody's baby. And too many people are talking about these 38 00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:24,760 Speaker 3: men who have done horrible things to these women and 39 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:30,200 Speaker 3: these children, and we haven't even sentered somebody's baby. We 40 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:33,639 Speaker 3: haven't even taken the time to see Serena Fairfax as 41 00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:38,680 Speaker 3: somebody's baby, because we were talking about all we lost 42 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:42,760 Speaker 3: in a man who decided to take somebody's baby. And 43 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:46,000 Speaker 3: I think that that should cause every man to have 44 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:48,240 Speaker 3: some level of pause and reflection. 45 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:51,919 Speaker 4: About why we do that. And about why we have. 46 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:56,280 Speaker 3: To center ourselves in our emotions in every conversation. I'm 47 00:02:56,320 --> 00:03:00,239 Speaker 3: not saying that we're not getting over I'm not saying 48 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:04,080 Speaker 3: that we're not in a bad situation. I'm saying that 49 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:08,040 Speaker 3: the answer to bat that we choose is violence makes 50 00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:11,480 Speaker 3: us a part of the crash our cartel because we 51 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:18,040 Speaker 3: lack emotional intelligence. I'm a product a family where my 52 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:21,799 Speaker 3: mother committed suicide when I was two months old, so 53 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:25,480 Speaker 3: I understand fully what it's like to grow up without 54 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:28,920 Speaker 3: a parent because of the complexities of marriage. 55 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,560 Speaker 4: My father was cheating on my mother. My mother had 56 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:33,400 Speaker 4: had three children. 57 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:36,640 Speaker 3: Back to back for my dad, and then she walks 58 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,160 Speaker 3: in one day and tells my dad, you love them children, 59 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:42,840 Speaker 3: don't you. He says, yes, I'm gonna leave you with him, 60 00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:45,720 Speaker 3: goes in the room and shoots herself. There was no 61 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:50,120 Speaker 3: conversation about postpartum depression. What about that black woman. What 62 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,600 Speaker 3: about that black woman who had had three children and 63 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,120 Speaker 3: no matter what she was going through within herself, how 64 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:57,400 Speaker 3: did she express that to her community? How could she 65 00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:00,520 Speaker 3: express that to her family and friends? I were black 66 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:03,360 Speaker 3: women today carrying the burden of having all them children. 67 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:06,800 Speaker 3: The man in Shreveport had seven children. How did those 68 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:09,600 Speaker 3: women carry the burden of carrying those children, caring for 69 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:16,120 Speaker 3: those children, seven of them, two different households. How do 70 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:20,960 Speaker 3: you maintain stability in that? How all those women maintaining stability? 71 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,279 Speaker 3: And every day they are crying out for us to 72 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:24,920 Speaker 3: just stand there up and be men. 73 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:27,480 Speaker 4: I know it's hard. It is. 74 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:32,640 Speaker 3: I've been through a divorce, I've attempted suicide twice. I 75 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,200 Speaker 3: know what it feels like to say to hell with. 76 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:38,719 Speaker 4: All of this. I know what that feels like. 77 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,880 Speaker 3: But at no point have I ever decided to put 78 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:46,960 Speaker 3: my hands on a woman. I lose my empathy for 79 00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:49,960 Speaker 3: men the minute that you decide to be violent against 80 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:54,120 Speaker 3: another human, I lose my empathy for what you're going 81 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:57,080 Speaker 3: through at that point. And that is what our sisters 82 00:04:57,080 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 3: are saying to us right now, that they begin to lose, 83 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:03,720 Speaker 3: Who's that empathy that they automatically feel for us the 84 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:08,040 Speaker 3: minute that we become violent against them, And we should 85 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:10,840 Speaker 3: stop right at that moment, say nothing else, but we're 86 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:16,400 Speaker 3: sorry because we didn't hear them. And the same way 87 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:20,279 Speaker 3: that we can understand that when a white man kills 88 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:24,360 Speaker 3: a black man unarmed, that we don't want to hear 89 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:27,560 Speaker 3: all of the justifications and all of the excuses. We 90 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:30,039 Speaker 3: should understand that women don't want to hear all that 91 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:34,800 Speaker 3: pontificating we doing because it should never be an option 92 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:36,760 Speaker 3: for us to be violent against each other in the 93 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:39,880 Speaker 3: ways that it is. We have made violence acceptable within 94 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:44,159 Speaker 3: our culture that violence breathes out in a host of ways. 95 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,640 Speaker 4: And black men. If the data says. 96 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:51,159 Speaker 3: That fifty to fifty five percent of the Black women 97 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:55,680 Speaker 3: in America who are murdered are murdered by someone that 98 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:58,599 Speaker 3: they are in a relationship with, and the majority of 99 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:02,480 Speaker 3: black women are in relationship with black men, we could 100 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:06,039 Speaker 3: reduce the homicides of black women in this country simply 101 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:10,560 Speaker 3: by getting a grip on ourselves as black men. We 102 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:13,159 Speaker 3: could The worst thing I could do in the world 103 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:17,040 Speaker 3: is take another black life. Og said that to me. 104 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,120 Speaker 3: He said that when he leaves his house every day, 105 00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:20,760 Speaker 3: he takes his pistol with him because he wants to 106 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:23,360 Speaker 3: protect himself. But he thinks to him in his mind 107 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,080 Speaker 3: that the worst thing he could do in the world 108 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:27,159 Speaker 3: is to take the life of another black man. 109 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,640 Speaker 4: How many do we how many of us actually feel 110 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:30,040 Speaker 4: that way? 111 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:36,279 Speaker 3: And do we've normalized this violent culture to the degree 112 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:40,400 Speaker 3: that when somebody kills somebody and we know that they're 113 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:45,360 Speaker 3: a killer, we still at they time service. How does 114 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:50,000 Speaker 3: that impact the family. We don't respect life enough. And 115 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:52,400 Speaker 3: if you don't respect life outside your house, how are 116 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:53,520 Speaker 3: you gonna respect the lives. 117 00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:53,800 Speaker 4: In your house? 118 00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:57,840 Speaker 1: How do we break this cycle? 119 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:03,760 Speaker 4: I think, great, I hear. 120 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:07,479 Speaker 1: You, but that you are more profound than you know. 121 00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:10,520 Speaker 1: I think, and that's why one of the reasons you're 122 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:13,800 Speaker 1: here at this particular time. God doesn't really make those 123 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,080 Speaker 1: type of mistakes. He puts you here in our space 124 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:18,680 Speaker 1: to answer the question that Ice has answered. And I 125 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,520 Speaker 1: think that black men listening to this who disagree with 126 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:24,559 Speaker 1: you probably aren't listening to this show. I think most 127 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:27,120 Speaker 1: men who are listening to this show would simply say amen. 128 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:29,960 Speaker 1: But the next question that we have is like, how 129 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:33,080 Speaker 1: do we You said something that said black men need 130 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:36,200 Speaker 1: to get a grip, and then you talked about the cycle, 131 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,360 Speaker 1: and so I want to do two things. I want 132 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:44,880 Speaker 1: to make sure that we are I'm a black husband, 133 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:48,360 Speaker 1: black parent, But how do we break that cycle. 134 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:53,840 Speaker 3: I was having a conversation with a very close friend 135 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,880 Speaker 3: of mine yesterday, brother, and it turned into an argument 136 00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:58,600 Speaker 3: that and we made up in the end. 137 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:02,120 Speaker 1: Me and You've had those too, so I understand. 138 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:05,120 Speaker 3: We have uh that that that is I think a 139 00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:08,360 Speaker 3: part of the give and take iron sharp and Gyn right. 140 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:11,320 Speaker 3: But in the group text were going back and forth 141 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,360 Speaker 3: about some of the conversations and things that happened. 142 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:16,440 Speaker 4: I didn't agree with any of his responses. Uh. 143 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:18,680 Speaker 3: And he called me a couple of times. I didn't 144 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:20,400 Speaker 3: answer his call when he called me the first two 145 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,000 Speaker 3: times because I. 146 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,400 Speaker 4: Feel like I'm charged up, this might go left. I 147 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:25,440 Speaker 4: don't want to talk to you yet. 148 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:28,360 Speaker 3: But he wanted to talk, so he called the last 149 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,960 Speaker 3: time and I was hiding heavy and I told him, 150 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:34,480 Speaker 3: I said, you know, I'm gonna stop with you, like 151 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,280 Speaker 3: like we're gonna stop with me, and you're gonna stop 152 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,920 Speaker 3: being We're gonna stop being cool if you can't take 153 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:42,080 Speaker 3: a minute to reflect on where you at. Doc Like 154 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:46,000 Speaker 3: as men were not missing the women every day, let's 155 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:48,559 Speaker 3: keep it a bean. Most brothers are not taking their 156 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:51,240 Speaker 3: advice from from women. If we were, we would be 157 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:55,120 Speaker 3: much further along in this process. Okay, So so if 158 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:58,199 Speaker 3: you if we have to check each other, we gotta 159 00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,679 Speaker 3: get in conversation with each other and check each other, 160 00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:01,120 Speaker 3: a lot. 161 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,200 Speaker 4: Of stuff that we left side. When you out with 162 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:05,640 Speaker 4: your homeboy and y'all having a couple. 163 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:08,600 Speaker 3: Of drinks and he cat calling at this woman in 164 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:12,199 Speaker 3: a way where she is being diminished or disrespected. 165 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:13,800 Speaker 4: Check your homeboy right there. 166 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:17,160 Speaker 3: Those little things turn into other things because you're disrespecting 167 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:20,240 Speaker 3: this black woman and you don't know her, you want her, and. 168 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,240 Speaker 4: You're objectifying her from the minute that you see her. 169 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:23,960 Speaker 3: And if you objectify it from the minute that you 170 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,280 Speaker 3: see her, you're going to carry that conduct. 171 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:26,760 Speaker 4: On in other ways. 172 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:29,720 Speaker 3: And we as black men, got to confront that we 173 00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:33,800 Speaker 3: have made too many things acceptable and normal that are disrespectful. 174 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:38,080 Speaker 4: It's disrespectful. We have made too many and we allow it. 175 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:40,720 Speaker 4: He just planned out that shit. Not all right. 176 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,600 Speaker 3: I don't have a better way to say it right now, 177 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:46,440 Speaker 3: when we got dead babies at the hands of black men. 178 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:49,400 Speaker 3: And if that bothers you when we say that, ask yourself, 179 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:54,400 Speaker 3: why don't ask me to change the conversation to something else. 180 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:59,080 Speaker 3: Ask yourself, why are you struggling with that conversation? Why 181 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,800 Speaker 3: as a man, ca and we not center somebody other 182 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:02,160 Speaker 3: than you. 183 00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:04,520 Speaker 4: Right now, I was listening to a podcast. 184 00:10:04,559 --> 00:10:06,040 Speaker 3: I'm not gonna name because I want to get into 185 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:12,120 Speaker 3: a controversy of the podcast. In the podcast, in the 186 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:18,120 Speaker 3: podcast conversation, they were talking about uh, the word feminism, 187 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:21,040 Speaker 3: whether you could say feminism or not, that that they 188 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:24,320 Speaker 3: needed another word for men who want to be uh 189 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,560 Speaker 3: supportive of feminism. We needed another word to be supportive 190 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,400 Speaker 3: of women. That is that right there? That kind of 191 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:34,280 Speaker 3: thinking is why does why does there need to be 192 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:37,560 Speaker 3: another word for us to feel man enough to support women? 193 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:41,840 Speaker 3: Why can't you be a feminist as a brother, Why 194 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:42,680 Speaker 3: does that make you. 195 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,160 Speaker 4: Feel less masculine? Why does that make you? 196 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:48,920 Speaker 3: And ask yourself those questions and if you can't answer 197 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,280 Speaker 3: those questions, you need therapy, brother. 198 00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:05,360 Speaker 1: Native Land Pod is a production of iHeartRadio and partnership 199 00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:07,880 Speaker 1: with reisent Choice Media. For more podcasts from iHeart Radio, 200 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:11,079 Speaker 1: visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen 201 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:12,360 Speaker 1: to your favorite shows.