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Speaker 1: Pushkin. We're in a first grade classroom in Beijing, China.

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Speaker 1: It's about twenty years ago, ahead of the annual holidays.

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Speaker 1: To mark the occasion, a teacher has brought and wrapped

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Speaker 1: presents for her students. The gifts are stacked up in

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Speaker 1: a corner ready to be handed out.

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Speaker 2: And if she's just stopped right there, it'll be a

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Speaker 2: great story.

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Speaker 1: Ja Jan was one of those excited kids.

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Speaker 2: But she had all of us come to the front

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Speaker 2: of a classroom and said, hey, why didn't you guys

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Speaker 2: say nice things about each other? If someone calls your

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Speaker 2: name and says something nice about you, you can go

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Speaker 2: get a gift and sit down.

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Speaker 1: One by one, the kids started sharing kind words about

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Speaker 1: their classmates.

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Speaker 2: It was great when it started. Someone's can sing really well.

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Speaker 2: Someone is helpful to other teachers, and I'll applaud as

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Speaker 2: with might turn with.

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Speaker 1: The flow of compliments soon slowed down and then petered out.

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Speaker 1: Comely worried, Jaw's teacher asked, doesn't anyone have anything nice

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Speaker 1: to say about the students who are still at the

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Speaker 1: front of the class. No one spoke. Three gifts sat

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Speaker 1: uncollected in the corner, and three kids stood rejected. At

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Speaker 1: the front of the room, and I was.

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Speaker 2: One of them.

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Speaker 1: It was just a fleeting few minutes in Jav's life,

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Speaker 1: but the events of that day cast a long shadow.

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Speaker 1: Joh eventually graduated school, then headed to college, and began

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Speaker 1: a new life outside China.

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Speaker 2: But the thing is, once I came to the United States,

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Speaker 2: I started following like a path of almost like at

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Speaker 2: least resistance.

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Speaker 1: Nearing his thirties, j'all felt like he was being held

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Speaker 1: back from chasing his dreams and fulfilling his potential, and

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Speaker 1: he traced some of that back to the fateful day

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Speaker 1: many years ago, where he stood rejected in front of

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Speaker 1: his classmates.

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Speaker 2: Pretty sure it didn't help.

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Speaker 1: You See, Jean needed all the confidence, self belief, and

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Speaker 1: drive he could muster because he had a dream.

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Speaker 2: I've always wanted to be an entrepreneur. You know, I

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Speaker 2: actually come from a family of teachers, but I didn't

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Speaker 2: never want to be a teacher. I want to be

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Speaker 2: entrepreneur because I was inspired by Bill Gates.

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Speaker 1: Becoming the next Bill Gates requires a willingness to put

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Speaker 1: yourself out there. You've got to be prepared to tell

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Speaker 1: potential investors and clients about your big plans and you've

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Speaker 1: got to be prepared for them to laugh you out

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Speaker 1: of the room. You have to knock on door after

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Speaker 1: door after door, asking for support and backing until you

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Speaker 1: get the answer you want. And Jaw just wasn't sure

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Speaker 1: he could handle that.

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Speaker 2: I just felt like my fear of rejection was really

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Speaker 2: holding me back.

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Speaker 1: Though now fully grown, Jaw still felt the pain of

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Speaker 1: his six year old self.

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Speaker 2: And I was just miserable, to be honest, because I

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Speaker 2: feel like I'm getting old. My wife was pregnant, and

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Speaker 2: I just feel like I probably missed my mark to

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Speaker 2: be this entrepreneur that I've always wanted to be.

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Speaker 1: So was shopping to admit defeat and give up on

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Speaker 1: his dream and remain miserable on this path of least resistance.

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Speaker 2: Nope, So that's where I realized I got to overcome

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Speaker 2: this fear of rejection.

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Speaker 1: Even if you didn't get dissed by your entire first

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Speaker 1: grade classroom, you can probably still relate to Jah's lack

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Speaker 1: of confidence. It's not just entrepreneurs who need to make

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Speaker 1: themselves vulnerable to others. Whether it's in our careers or

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Speaker 1: just in daily life, many of us have a hard

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Speaker 1: time asking for the help we need because, like Jeah,

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Speaker 1: we fear rejection. We may worry we'll get a big

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Speaker 1: fat no from a friend or stranger, or we may

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Speaker 1: just hate the idea of bothering busy people. We may

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Speaker 1: fear being seen as pushy or annoying or needy. These

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Speaker 1: fears may feel very real, but do they match the

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Speaker 1: reality of reaching out to the people around us when

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Speaker 1: we need help. By not even opening the conversation, are

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Speaker 1: we actually making ourselves and other people less happy than

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Speaker 1: we could be. Our minds are constantly telling us what

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Speaker 1: to do to be happy. But what if our minds

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Speaker 1: are wrong? What if our minds are lying to us,

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Speaker 1: leading us away from what will really make us happy.

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Speaker 1: The good news is that understanding the science of the

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Speaker 1: mind can boin us all back in the right direction.

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Speaker 1: Listening to the Happiness Lab with doctor Laurie Santos.

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Speaker 3: I was a former college football player, so asking for

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Speaker 3: helps not the kind of thing I typically did very much.

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Speaker 1: This is Social Connection expert and Happiness Lab regular Nick

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Speaker 1: Eppley lake Shaw. Nick grew up with a reluctance to

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Speaker 1: ask for help.

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Speaker 3: It's pretty strong and capable, and I could do stuff,

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Speaker 3: and that always made me fairly reluctant to ask others

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Speaker 3: for help to do almost anything.

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Speaker 1: If you've heard Nick on other episodes of this season,

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Speaker 1: you may recall that he studies the way our minds

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Speaker 1: mess up when it comes to happier social connection. Recently,

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Speaker 1: his lab has turned to the fears that he and

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Speaker 1: so many of us have when it comes to asking

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Speaker 1: for help.

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Speaker 3: And our research and that of many others in the

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Speaker 3: field has been making it crystal clear that many of

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Speaker 3: those fears are miscalibrated, that as they're exaggerated, we tend

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Speaker 3: to underestimate how positively these interactions are going to go.

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Speaker 1: Nick's work begins from a premise that many researchers argue

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Speaker 1: is a universal psychological truth. We enjoy doing nice stuff

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Speaker 1: for other people.

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Speaker 3: I think feeling happy to have helped is a very

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Speaker 3: real thing. You go do something kind for somebody else,

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Speaker 3: you'll feel pretty darn good.

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Speaker 1: We usually notice how good it feels to help others

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Speaker 1: when we're in the role of the helper. We forget

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Speaker 1: that the same maxim holds for the people we ask

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Speaker 1: to help us.

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Speaker 3: Notice that asking for help from somebody else gives an

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Speaker 3: opportunity to do something kind for you. And by not

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Speaker 3: asking for help, you are really missing out on an

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Speaker 3: opportunity to make somebody else feel good.

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Speaker 1: We sometimes worry that our requests will be a burden

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Speaker 1: on the person we approach, that they'll feel pressured to

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Speaker 1: say yes, but Nick's research shows that that usually isn't

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Speaker 1: the case, Especially when we have a relatively simple request,

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Speaker 1: Calling upon another person for assistance can be a gift

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Speaker 1: not just to ourselves but also to the person we ask.

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Speaker 3: So in some ways, it seems almost selfish to not

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Speaker 3: ask other folks for help when they could give it

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Speaker 3: to you easily, because you're denying I'M an opportunity to

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Speaker 3: do something kind for you.

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Speaker 1: The problem is we you We usually don't see it

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Speaker 1: that way, and when we fail to ask for help,

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Speaker 1: we don't get to witness the happiness boost it gives

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Speaker 1: us or the person giving us assistance, and so we

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Speaker 1: continue to believe that seeking help is an imposition rather

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Speaker 1: than a wonderful way to bond and make everyone happier.

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Speaker 3: We only get feedback from the things we choose to do,

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Speaker 3: and we don't get feedback from the things we choose

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Speaker 3: to avoid, And in an imperfect world like that, we're

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Speaker 3: going to get a systematically distorted view of how these

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Speaker 3: social interactions are going to go that naturally confirms our belief.

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Speaker 1: To test just how deeply ingrained these false beliefs are,

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Speaker 1: Nick designed a simple experiment. He set up a photo

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Speaker 1: op at a popular spot on campus. But the camera

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Speaker 1: he put out there wasn't a modern smartphone. It was

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Speaker 1: a vintage Polaroid instant camera. And that choice was key

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Speaker 1: because old school polaroids aren't built to let you take selfies.

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Speaker 3: So in the old days, if you wanted somebody to

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Speaker 3: take a picture of you as a you got to

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Speaker 3: go up and ask them to do it.

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Speaker 1: Subjects had to find a stranger to assist them, But

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Speaker 1: before they approached anyone, the subjects were asked how annoyed

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Speaker 1: they thought the stranger would be by being stopped, and

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Speaker 1: how positive their mood would be afterwards. Nick later compared

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Speaker 1: these predictions to what the strangers actually said about taking

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Speaker 1: the polaroids, and.

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Speaker 3: We found that people tended to underestimate how positively others respond,

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Speaker 3: how willing they would be to help, how happy they

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Speaker 3: would feel helping after they actually did. It was a

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Speaker 3: more positive experience for the person you asked for help

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Speaker 3: than people expected.

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Speaker 1: Nick subjects also grossly overestimated how inconvenience the photo takers

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Speaker 1: would feel. Their guesses were six times higher than what

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Speaker 1: the helpers themselves later reported six times higher. Our predictions

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Speaker 1: of how other people will react to our helping requests

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Speaker 1: are way way off.

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Speaker 3: They were likely to want to try to help you,

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Speaker 3: and given that they were perceiving it as an act

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Speaker 3: of kindness, given that you'd ask for it, they'll feel

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Speaker 3: good when they actually help you out.

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Speaker 1: Results like these prompted Nick to rethink his own resistance

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Speaker 1: to asking for help.

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Speaker 3: Here in Chicago sometimes snows in the winter, but if

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Speaker 3: I couldn't plow my drive I was often reluctant to

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Speaker 3: have a neighbor come and shovel my driveway. And then

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Speaker 3: our work, in part, made it clear to me that

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Speaker 3: the neighbor would probably feel pretty good being able to

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Speaker 3: do that for me, And so I now will ask

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Speaker 3: him if he could do that if I can't, if

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Speaker 3: I can't shovel it, and it's created lots of good

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Speaker 3: conversations between us where I get a chance to thank

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Speaker 3: him for that. He feels good for it, and I

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Speaker 3: don't think I ever would have done that before.

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Speaker 1: Asking for help to take a quick photo, or for

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Speaker 1: a friendly neighbor to lend you a hand shoveling snow

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Speaker 1: are great places to start. But aspiring entrepreneur Jajong was

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Speaker 1: in a hurry. He wanted to supercharge his fight against

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Speaker 1: his crippling fear of rejection, so the approach he took

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Speaker 1: was rather a extreme. He decided to ask people for

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Speaker 1: some pretty fantastic favors.

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Speaker 2: I saw this big guy. He looked like a security

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Speaker 2: guard of some sort, and he was sitting behind a desk.

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Speaker 2: And I said, okay, I'm going to ask him. Then

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Speaker 2: I said, just inching toward him, I just slowed down.

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Speaker 2: I was like, this is so scary, but my heart

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Speaker 2: was calending. I was sweating.

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Speaker 1: Well hear how all this turned out? When the Happiness

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Speaker 1: Lab returns in a moment want to be entrepreneur Jan

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Speaker 1: Jong wanted to beat his fear of rejection, so he

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Speaker 1: began where a lot of us do when we're ready

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Speaker 1: for a big behavior change. He did a Google.

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Speaker 2: Search Google has not real Yoda.

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Speaker 1: After a few clicks, Jean stumbled on a website that

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Speaker 1: would change his life forever. Rejection Therapy dot com, a

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Speaker 1: site that teaches a practice known as exposure therapy. Let's

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Speaker 1: say you want to get over your phobia of heights.

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Speaker 1: Exposure therapy would tell you to confront that fear by

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Speaker 1: visiting locations a little bit above ground level and then

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Speaker 1: over time climbing higher and higher, so that, through gradual exposure,

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Speaker 1: you get used to heights. Rejection Therapy dot com applies

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Speaker 1: that same logic to the fear of asking for help.

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Speaker 1: The website suggests things like challenging a stranger to a

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Speaker 1: game of rock, paper scissors or asking for a small

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Speaker 1: discount the next time you buy something. The challenges even

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Speaker 1: have different levels, so you can start with just a

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Speaker 1: mild taste of rejection and gradually build up to going

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Speaker 1: way out of your comfort zone. Jew was ready to

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Speaker 1: dive in.

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Speaker 2: I was like, this is the best idea I've ever heard.

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Speaker 1: The site recommended a month long challenge, thirty days of rejection,

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Speaker 1: and I.

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Speaker 2: Didn't want to do thirty days because I was like,

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Speaker 2: you know, I want to go hardcore. Let me overdose

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Speaker 2: on rejection and see what happens. So I did the

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Speaker 2: one hundred days of rejection, and rather.

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Speaker 1: Than performing these challenges privately, Jaque decided he needed to

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Speaker 1: film all his interactions and to share them with the

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Speaker 1: entire world.

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Speaker 2: I know if I do this by myself, I probably

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Speaker 2: get a couple of rejections.

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Speaker 3: This is quit.

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Speaker 2: But if I declare that to the world, and I

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Speaker 2: would think people will hold me accountable. So I can't

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Speaker 2: just quit that easily. So that's what I did, all right.

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Speaker 2: This is my first try.

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Speaker 1: Day one of John's rejection marathon started pretty spectacularly.

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Speaker 2: I'm going to try to borrow one hundred dollars from

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Speaker 2: a stranger.

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Speaker 1: Jah picked a security guard sitting by a desk in

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Speaker 1: the marble filled lobby of a nice mall.

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Speaker 2: Excuse me, do you think I'm borrow a hundred dollars

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Speaker 2: from you?

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Speaker 1: The security guard looked confused, like he couldn't quite believe

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Speaker 1: what he was hearing.

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Speaker 2: No, no, why, all right? No, okay, sorry, thanks.

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Speaker 1: Jew didn't wait around to answer the security guards question.

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Speaker 2: I just ran as fast as I could.

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Speaker 1: Jaw was downhearted. He assumed the interaction had gone terribly,

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Speaker 1: that the guard had badly rejected him. But all that

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Speaker 1: changed once he watched the footage.

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Speaker 2: I was like this NFL scout looking at a game film,

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Speaker 2: you know, analyzing myself.

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Speaker 1: Jaw was shocked by what he saw, and not by

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Speaker 1: the guard's reaction, but by his own.

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Speaker 2: I looked so scared, and I was like, oh wow,

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Speaker 2: I didn't know he was a security or someone. I

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Speaker 2: don't know. He just sits there. He looks like a

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Speaker 2: security guard. I thought he might pull off a gun

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Speaker 2: or just yell at me or something.

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Speaker 1: Watching the video revealed that Shaw had nothing to be

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Speaker 1: scared of. He didn't get the hundred bucks, but the

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Speaker 1: guard was nice. He even gave Jaw a window of opportunity.

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Speaker 1: He asked Jaw why, like, why did he need the

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Speaker 1: hundred bucks?

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Speaker 2: Anyway? I could have said many things. I could have

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Speaker 2: negotiated with him. I could have said, if you can

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Speaker 2: do a hundred, can do five, you know he can

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Speaker 2: do one. I could explained that was overcoming our fair rejection.

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Speaker 2: I just ran. So I said, Okay, next time, no

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Speaker 2: matter what happens, I am going to stay engaged. So

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Speaker 2: I'm not going to run. That's the thing. I'm not

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Speaker 2: going to run.

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Speaker 1: One day two of his one hundred days of rejection,

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Speaker 1: Jaw headed to his favorite burger joint, Five Guys Burgers

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Speaker 1: and Fries. He purchased a cheeseburger and ate it, and

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Speaker 1: then returned to the counter for the big.

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Speaker 2: Ask, Yes, burger, Could I get a burger reveal?

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Speaker 1: Could he have a burger refill? That is another cheeseburger

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Speaker 1: totally for free?

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Speaker 2: Okay, all right, I'd like you guys a lot more,

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Speaker 2: even have a burger ripping on him.

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Speaker 1: The cashier said no. But this time Jell didn't run

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Speaker 1: away and.

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Speaker 2: I started negotiating. I started to stay calm and actually

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Speaker 2: explained myself. And when that left, I didn't feel us

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Speaker 2: bad like I feel way better than the first day.

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Speaker 1: Jah was rejected. Five guys does not offer burger refills,

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Speaker 1: even if you ask politely, But the no Jah received

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Speaker 1: from the cashier yet again came with more kindness and

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Speaker 1: humor than he expected.

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Speaker 2: Day two was the success on to day three.

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Speaker 1: By day three, Jea already felt like he was heading

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Speaker 1: for a rejection gold medal.

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Speaker 2: I'm driving to a Krispy Kreme.

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Speaker 1: So his next ask took his odd requests to Olympic

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Speaker 1: level heights of ridiculousness.

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Speaker 2: I'm going to ask them to make me some specialized donuts.

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Speaker 1: Joh one of the folks at Krispy Kreme to make

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Speaker 1: him a set of five donuts interlocked in the shape

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Speaker 1: of the famous Olympic rings.

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Speaker 2: Well, there's no way they're gonna say yes to that,

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Speaker 2: you know, And I would just come in and make

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Speaker 2: a joke and get read jacked in and hopefully not

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Speaker 2: be too scared.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: The employee, Jackie Brawn, got a pen and paper and

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Speaker 1: asked joh to help her sketch out the design. She

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Speaker 1: didn't look angry or confused. She kind of seemed to

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Speaker 1: relish the challenge.

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Speaker 2: And fifteen minutes later she brought me out a box

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Speaker 2: of donuts that looked like Olympic rings. That is really good.

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Speaker 2: That's really good. Yeah, man, you'll make me really happy today.

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Speaker 1: Jackie didn't even charge Jot for the donuts. It's on me,

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Speaker 1: she told him with a big beaming smile.

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Speaker 2: So when I was walking out at that donut shop,

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Speaker 2: I was like, Wow, how many yeses have I missed

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Speaker 2: my life? Because I was expecting a no. So that

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Speaker 2: was a magic moment for me.

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Speaker 1: Pleased with his success, John went home and posted the

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Speaker 1: Day three video, but it didn't get the handful of

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Speaker 1: us he was expecting. Millions of people watched that donut clip.

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Speaker 1: It got so much attention that his Olympic ring donut

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Speaker 1: story wound up on daytime television shows.

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Speaker 2: I think Krispy Kreme stock actually went up that day. God,

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Speaker 2: there's like a marketer's dream, right, ask them for uh

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Speaker 2: donuts that looked like Olympic rings and I was like,

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Speaker 2: no way, they're going to say yes. They couldn't say

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Speaker 2: no to me. They were like, yeah, how can I

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Speaker 2: make this? And when I left there, I just had

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Speaker 2: tears in my eyes because I just couldn't believe. This

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Speaker 2: world is much nicer than I thought. It's much kinder

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Speaker 2: than I thought.

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Speaker 1: Joe's donut success was a turning point for him. It

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Speaker 1: convinced him that he could successfully ask for just about anything,

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Speaker 1: and Shaw really did ask for rather strange things. He

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Speaker 1: asked to become a mannequin in a department store, to

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Speaker 1: give the safety announcement on an airplane, to slide down

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Speaker 1: the pole at a fire station, and defeed a lion

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Speaker 1: at the zoo.

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Speaker 2: There you go, Hold on, hold on, It's okay.

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Speaker 1: The videos that followed were as hilarious as they were popular,

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Speaker 1: like when he asked for a haircut from a dog groomer.

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Speaker 2: Can you see me like a German shepherd like tabetan

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Speaker 2: mastiff or or child chow or something.

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Speaker 1: Joe's video is eventually tracted the attention of a certain psychologist, and.

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Speaker 3: I thought, this is fascinating, right, this is an extreme

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Speaker 3: version of what I did.

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Speaker 1: Psychologist Nick Epley's research had already shown that people are

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Speaker 1: more willing to help us out than we think, that

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Speaker 1: they react more positively than we expect to simple requests

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Speaker 1: like taking a quick polaroid photo. But watching Jaw's YouTube videos,

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Speaker 1: Nick realized people may also agree to far more complicated requests.

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Speaker 3: I mean, it's off the charts what he asked.

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Speaker 2: People to do.

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Speaker 1: Nick carefully analyzed Jav's videos, counting exactly how often his

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Speaker 1: pleas for help got rejected.

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Speaker 3: And it turns out less often than he's accepted that

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Speaker 3: most of the time, a little over fifty percent of

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Speaker 3: the time, to these crazy requests, the person does it.

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Speaker 1: Nick also watched to see the reactions of the strangers

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Speaker 1: that Jah approached. Did the donut makers and flight attendants

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Speaker 1: and zoo keepers get mad and yell at him and

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Speaker 1: tell them to go away? Or were they genuinely trying

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Speaker 1: to be kind and accommodating nix'onnalysis was striking. In the

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Speaker 1: vast majority of interactions, people reacted completely positively. Jaw's extreme

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Speaker 1: experiment and rejection therapy is a great example of two

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Speaker 1: things that our lying minds often get wrong. First, we

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Speaker 1: don't get rebuffed nearly as often as we fear, and second,

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Speaker 1: the people we ask for help are usually much happier

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Speaker 1: to oblige than we expect. But my guess is that

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Speaker 1: hearing Ja's story didn't exactly prompt you to go out

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Speaker 1: and demand weird shaped donuts, or to borrow money from

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Speaker 1: strangers on the street, or to head into a lion's

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Speaker 1: den at dinner time. So what simple strategies can we

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Speaker 1: all employ to be more comfortable in asking for help,

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Speaker 1: Things that will allow us and the people around us

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Speaker 1: to enjoy the happiness benefits that come from bonding over

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Speaker 1: a helping hand. We'll find out when the Happiness Lab returns.

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Speaker 1: After this quick.

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Speaker 2: Break on dividing my life into BD and AD Before

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00:18:11,156 --> 00:18:14,396
Speaker 2: donuts and after donuts, It was a watershed moment for

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Speaker 2: me because he opened up this whole new.

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Speaker 1: World to me A decade after asking a Krispy Kreme

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00:18:19,316 --> 00:18:22,236
Speaker 1: employee to build him the Olympic Ring Up Donuts. Jean

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Speaker 1: now runs the very company that inspired him, Rejection Therapy

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Speaker 1: dot Com. He's also an in demand speaker and the

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Speaker 1: author of Rejection Proof How I Beat Fear and became

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Speaker 1: invincible through one hundred days of rejection.

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Speaker 2: I didn't plan this. I didn't plan this seem to

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Speaker 2: go viral and someday I'll write a book, someday I'll

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Speaker 2: do a blog. You know, someday I will give a

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Speaker 2: Ted talk or Beyond Lauras Angels show. I've never planned

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Speaker 2: all that. All I did was like I'm gonna do something.

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Speaker 1: And the viral videos Jah made are now used by

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Speaker 1: clinicians to help patients with social anxiety. They may seem extreme,

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Speaker 1: but Jaw says they can still teach us important lessons

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Speaker 1: that we can apply in everyday settings.

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Speaker 2: His first takeaway is people are actually much nicer than

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00:19:04,756 --> 00:19:09,116
Speaker 2: we think. People are actually very open, especially if you

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00:19:09,236 --> 00:19:10,396
Speaker 2: oftome wacky stuff.

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00:19:10,756 --> 00:19:13,036
Speaker 1: A second lesson is that your fears that people will

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00:19:13,076 --> 00:19:15,356
Speaker 1: angrily reject you or think less of you if you

400
00:19:15,396 --> 00:19:19,196
Speaker 1: ask for assistance are likely to be very, very misplaced.

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00:19:19,956 --> 00:19:22,516
Speaker 1: Jaw is living proof that you'll hear no far less

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Speaker 1: than you expect.

403
00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:25,116
Speaker 2: When I started, I thought I was going to get

404
00:19:25,236 --> 00:19:28,036
Speaker 2: one hundred rejections, you know, maybe like I got some

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00:19:28,196 --> 00:19:29,996
Speaker 2: yes as if you get really lucky. But as it

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Speaker 2: turned out, sometimes just by asking you get it yes.

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00:19:33,076 --> 00:19:35,436
Speaker 1: But to get to that yes, Jaw says, we also

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00:19:35,516 --> 00:19:38,676
Speaker 1: need the courage to expose our vulnerabilities and to ignore

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Speaker 1: any worries we may have about seeming needy.

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Speaker 2: I don't want to bother other people, and you know

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Speaker 2: I want to be independent, right.

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Speaker 1: And the research backs this up. Psychologists have long found

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Speaker 1: evidence for what's known as the beautiful mess effect. We

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00:19:52,356 --> 00:19:54,676
Speaker 1: assume that people will avoid us if we seem needy

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00:19:54,756 --> 00:19:57,996
Speaker 1: or dependent on help, but it's actually just the opposite.

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00:19:58,356 --> 00:20:01,036
Speaker 1: People like us better when we show weakness or express

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00:20:01,076 --> 00:20:04,956
Speaker 1: emotional vulnerability or seek their help. Being messy makes us

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Speaker 1: seem more open and relatable.

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Speaker 2: You're really good friends to ask for help. They ask

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00:20:08,756 --> 00:20:11,036
Speaker 2: for a pig, they ask for help, and they're vulnerable

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00:20:11,036 --> 00:20:14,356
Speaker 2: to each other. If you give and take, that really

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00:20:14,396 --> 00:20:17,316
Speaker 2: built relationships. In fact, sometimes the fact that you're asking

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00:20:17,636 --> 00:20:20,436
Speaker 2: shows that Okay, I'm asking you because I need you,

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Speaker 2: and that's really increases the bond you have with each other.

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00:20:24,796 --> 00:20:28,276
Speaker 1: But Connecting with potential helpers also requires changing the negative

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00:20:28,316 --> 00:20:31,956
Speaker 1: mindset the many of us have about soliciting assistance. Your

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00:20:31,956 --> 00:20:34,076
Speaker 1: at tension while asking for help can make the whole

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00:20:34,076 --> 00:20:38,116
Speaker 1: interaction less comfortable for everyone. It's something that Jah learned

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Speaker 1: early in his days of rejection therapy.

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Speaker 2: So I was expecting rejection, and all my focus is

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Speaker 2: how I could deal with that rejection. I think couldn't

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Speaker 2: even think the possibility that people will say yes to me.

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Speaker 2: And if you don't bring this aggressive energy, you're not

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Speaker 2: that tense. People actually relax when they talk to them

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00:20:55,956 --> 00:20:57,116
Speaker 2: to decrease that tension.

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00:20:57,356 --> 00:20:59,756
Speaker 1: Jaw advises that you really do need to come to

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Speaker 1: terms with the possibility of being rebuffed and to relax

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Speaker 1: about it.

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00:21:04,436 --> 00:21:06,916
Speaker 2: That's actually the key. If I'm coming in and if

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Speaker 2: I'm open to rejection, then I'm fine. If I give

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Speaker 2: the other person the freedom to say no to me,

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00:21:11,836 --> 00:21:14,516
Speaker 2: I give myself the freedom to ask whatever I want.

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00:21:14,996 --> 00:21:17,676
Speaker 1: One way to do that, Shaw says is to explicitly

444
00:21:17,716 --> 00:21:20,196
Speaker 1: admit that what you're asking for might not be doable,

445
00:21:20,676 --> 00:21:23,116
Speaker 1: and that it's totally cool if the person can't help you,

446
00:21:23,796 --> 00:21:25,756
Speaker 1: that you know they're not doing it. Just bite you

447
00:21:26,036 --> 00:21:27,156
Speaker 1: or because they don't like you.

448
00:21:27,436 --> 00:21:29,836
Speaker 2: I say, Okay, I know I'm making a big request here.

449
00:21:29,996 --> 00:21:31,836
Speaker 2: I know this is a little bit weird, and it's

450
00:21:31,876 --> 00:21:33,916
Speaker 2: okay if you can't do it. If I put that

451
00:21:33,996 --> 00:21:37,436
Speaker 2: thing what they're doubting up front, it actually put people

452
00:21:37,476 --> 00:21:40,996
Speaker 2: at ease. He's saying that I can say no to this.

453
00:21:41,756 --> 00:21:44,356
Speaker 1: And if you're still feeling guilty about your request, Jaw

454
00:21:44,436 --> 00:21:47,196
Speaker 1: suggests thinking back to how you felt when someone asked

455
00:21:47,196 --> 00:21:50,036
Speaker 1: for help. Would you really be annoyed if the situation

456
00:21:50,156 --> 00:21:53,196
Speaker 1: was reversed. Joe says he even thinks back to cases

457
00:21:53,196 --> 00:21:55,836
Speaker 1: where he felt frustrated when good friends failed to call

458
00:21:55,876 --> 00:21:56,916
Speaker 1: on him when they were in need.

459
00:21:57,236 --> 00:22:00,436
Speaker 2: I had a friend and he spent like almost a

460
00:22:00,556 --> 00:22:04,036
Speaker 2: year looking for a job and he didn't ask friend help.

461
00:22:04,116 --> 00:22:05,876
Speaker 2: It was really hard for him, and I was like,

462
00:22:06,076 --> 00:22:08,316
Speaker 2: you could have told me earlier at that job. I

463
00:22:08,356 --> 00:22:10,596
Speaker 2: know someone who who was hiring for that job. Why

464
00:22:10,596 --> 00:22:11,596
Speaker 2: didn't you tell me earlier?

465
00:22:12,036 --> 00:22:15,516
Speaker 1: But Jaw has one final strategy that makes seem counterintuitive

466
00:22:15,556 --> 00:22:19,636
Speaker 1: given his own experience. He recommends not going as hardcore

467
00:22:19,636 --> 00:22:20,156
Speaker 1: as he did.

468
00:22:20,556 --> 00:22:23,076
Speaker 2: Go outside of the comfort zone a little bit. Don't

469
00:22:23,076 --> 00:22:25,876
Speaker 2: go like way out. You don't have to come in

470
00:22:25,916 --> 00:22:27,996
Speaker 2: and ask for one hundred dollars like I did. That

471
00:22:28,156 --> 00:22:30,836
Speaker 2: was a big step. It's like an exercise, right if

472
00:22:30,876 --> 00:22:33,476
Speaker 2: you never lifted weights, you don't want to come in

473
00:22:33,556 --> 00:22:36,236
Speaker 2: and bench press like three hundred pounds. You're gonna get crushed.

474
00:22:36,276 --> 00:22:37,956
Speaker 2: But go out of the comfort zone a little bit

475
00:22:38,036 --> 00:22:40,876
Speaker 2: and just test the water and then gradually expand your

476
00:22:40,916 --> 00:22:43,596
Speaker 2: comfort zone. You can start doing this again and again,

477
00:22:43,836 --> 00:22:45,796
Speaker 2: and every time you do. He becomes so much better

478
00:22:45,836 --> 00:22:46,356
Speaker 2: than before.

479
00:22:46,836 --> 00:22:49,196
Speaker 1: And Jaw should know because asking for what he needed

480
00:22:49,196 --> 00:22:52,316
Speaker 1: publicly and fighting his fear of rejection didn't just change

481
00:22:52,316 --> 00:22:52,876
Speaker 1: his life.

482
00:22:53,076 --> 00:22:55,916
Speaker 2: Jackie from Krispy Kreme right that the person said yes

483
00:22:55,956 --> 00:22:58,796
Speaker 2: to me to make Olympic donuts, it changed her life too.

484
00:22:59,156 --> 00:23:02,756
Speaker 1: Jackie Brown also went viral for those Olympic donuts. A

485
00:23:02,836 --> 00:23:05,476
Speaker 1: viewer of Jaw's video even made her a Facebook page

486
00:23:05,636 --> 00:23:09,236
Speaker 1: entitled give Jackie a Krispy Kreme a raise. Thousand of

487
00:23:09,276 --> 00:23:11,516
Speaker 1: people signed the petition thank you.

488
00:23:11,876 --> 00:23:15,636
Speaker 3: Thank you, thank you, thank you, I mean very very much.

489
00:23:16,316 --> 00:23:19,476
Speaker 1: She received a personal visit from the CEO of Krispy Kreme,

490
00:23:19,956 --> 00:23:22,516
Speaker 1: and she now stars in training videos that are used

491
00:23:22,516 --> 00:23:23,756
Speaker 1: by the entire corporation.

492
00:23:23,956 --> 00:23:26,756
Speaker 2: She become like a celebrity within her company, just all

493
00:23:26,796 --> 00:23:29,396
Speaker 2: because she say yes. Sometimes saying yes is more fun

494
00:23:29,436 --> 00:23:30,236
Speaker 2: than saying though.

495
00:23:30,556 --> 00:23:32,996
Speaker 1: And Joah thinks we'd all benefit from the fun of

496
00:23:33,076 --> 00:23:34,556
Speaker 1: asking for help more often.

497
00:23:34,996 --> 00:23:37,476
Speaker 2: The rejection therapy has become a movement. It just feels

498
00:23:37,476 --> 00:23:40,796
Speaker 2: my heart because I hope this movement can keep going

499
00:23:40,876 --> 00:23:42,556
Speaker 2: and to help people overcome their fear.

500
00:23:46,036 --> 00:23:48,076
Speaker 1: So many of us are missing out on making new

501
00:23:48,116 --> 00:23:52,156
Speaker 1: social connections or deepening our bonds with existing friends just

502
00:23:52,196 --> 00:23:55,196
Speaker 1: because we don't want to ask for help or favors that.

503
00:23:55,316 --> 00:23:58,076
Speaker 1: Maybe because we don't want to appear annoying or vulnerable,

504
00:23:58,556 --> 00:24:01,556
Speaker 1: or because we fear the humiliation of our pleas being rejected.

505
00:24:01,836 --> 00:24:04,356
Speaker 1: But the science shows that our worries about being pushy

506
00:24:04,436 --> 00:24:07,436
Speaker 1: and needy are unfounded. People are way more happy to

507
00:24:07,476 --> 00:24:10,076
Speaker 1: help than our lying minds think. And our reluctance to

508
00:24:10,076 --> 00:24:12,316
Speaker 1: ask for help, why's it preventing the people we care

509
00:24:12,356 --> 00:24:15,636
Speaker 1: about from receiving the happiness boost that comes with being kind.

510
00:24:17,076 --> 00:24:20,036
Speaker 1: So why not follow Jah's advice and push your rejection

511
00:24:20,116 --> 00:24:22,396
Speaker 1: comfort zone a bit. You don't need to ask a

512
00:24:22,436 --> 00:24:25,636
Speaker 1: stranger for money or demand specialized donuts, but you can

513
00:24:25,716 --> 00:24:28,396
Speaker 1: make sure you give the people in your life opportunities

514
00:24:28,436 --> 00:24:31,196
Speaker 1: to support and care for you. It'll make them and

515
00:24:31,276 --> 00:24:45,596
Speaker 1: you feel much better than you expect. The Happiness Lab

516
00:24:45,636 --> 00:24:48,356
Speaker 1: is co written and produced by Ryan dilly Our. Original

517
00:24:48,436 --> 00:24:52,036
Speaker 1: music was composed by Zachary Silver, with additional scoring, mixing

518
00:24:52,076 --> 00:24:55,676
Speaker 1: and mastering by Evan Viola. Jess Shane and Alice Fines

519
00:24:55,716 --> 00:24:59,276
Speaker 1: offered additional production support. Special thanks to my agent, Ben

520
00:24:59,356 --> 00:25:01,956
Speaker 1: Davis and all of the Pushkin Group. The Happiness Lab

521
00:25:01,996 --> 00:25:04,636
Speaker 1: is brought to you by Pushkin Industries and me Doctor

522
00:25:04,676 --> 00:25:05,516
Speaker 1: Larry Santos