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Speaker 1: Hi guys, welcome to a new episode of Couch Talks

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Speaker 1: on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat. I

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Speaker 1: am the host and if you are unfamiliar with what

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Speaker 1: couch Talks is, it is the special bonus episode of

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Speaker 1: You Need Therapy where I Kat answer questions that you

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Speaker 1: the listeners sent to me at Katherine at nitherapypodcast dot com.

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Speaker 1: Quick reminder before we get into today's episode that although

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Speaker 1: I'm a therapist, although I'm answering your questions, this does

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Speaker 1: not serve as a replacement or a substitute for any

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Speaker 1: actual mental health services. Now. I usually like to do

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Speaker 1: one question a week and we always keep them anonymous

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Speaker 1: so you can feel safe sending in your question. And

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Speaker 1: I don't have any announcements today, so I say we

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Speaker 1: just get into the question. So here it is. Hey, Kat,

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Speaker 1: My husband and I have gone through to two to

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Speaker 1: three really tough years COVID of course, layoffs, alternating unemployment situations,

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Speaker 1: toxic jobs, depression, financial problems, and caring for and ultimately

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Speaker 1: saying goodbye to our senior dog, all within the very

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Speaker 1: first years of our marriage. We have had lots of

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Speaker 1: heated moments, difficult conversations and apologies over the years. It's

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Speaker 1: taken a long time, but I feel like we've made

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Speaker 1: a breakthrough. At the beginning of this year, I knew

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Speaker 1: things were bad, but it's one of those things where

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Speaker 1: I hadn't really realized how bad it was until things

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Speaker 1: started to get better in January. I'm seeing the glimmers

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Speaker 1: so much more in our relationship each day, but I

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Speaker 1: still get hit with pangs of sadness, anxiety, resentment, and doubt.

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Speaker 1: I guess my question is is this normal? And do

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Speaker 1: you have any tips or guidance on healing after a

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Speaker 1: rough patch. I'm thankful to be able to say I

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Speaker 1: have a therapist and I've been working with them, but

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Speaker 1: I really respect your input and would love to hear

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Speaker 1: your thoughts on this too. Okay, so I want to

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Speaker 1: start with saying one, obviously, so thankful for your question,

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Speaker 1: and I'm sorry that you have gone through such a

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Speaker 1: tough I mean, it's a lot of stuff in a

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Speaker 1: couple of years in your new marriage. And I want

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Speaker 1: to say this up top just in case I am

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Speaker 1: like missing the mark on what you're asking, because I

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Speaker 1: wasn't sure if you were asking is it normal to

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Speaker 1: have some troubles in the early parts of marriage, or

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Speaker 1: is it normal to still get the sadness, anxiety, resentment,

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Speaker 1: in doubt after you've moved through a rough patch, Because

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Speaker 1: that's how I originally had interpreted this question. And I

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Speaker 1: think that when we ask, I mean anytime we ask it,

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Speaker 1: if it's normal, that's a hard question to answer because

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Speaker 1: normal sometimes doesn't always mean healthy. Right, there's a lot

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Speaker 1: of things that are normal that aren't great, and there's

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Speaker 1: all the things that are great that aren't normal, and

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Speaker 1: so that's a difficult question to move around. I don't

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Speaker 1: know if really part of this question is shouldn't you

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Speaker 1: be concerned about this? Or is this something that can

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Speaker 1: be a part of healthy relationships? And I think both

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Speaker 1: of those things. One rough patches and then moving through them,

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Speaker 1: and also having a lot of feelings even after you've

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Speaker 1: moved through the rough patch. Neither of those things have

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Speaker 1: to be a no questions asked red flag. Lots of

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Speaker 1: questions asked could be a red flag. Lots of question

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Speaker 1: asked could be actually really okay and move you towards

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Speaker 1: a healthier version of what you would have had without

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Speaker 1: those things. I think that this is me. I didn't

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Speaker 1: write the book on relationships. But I do believe most

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Speaker 1: of the time tough times don't have to be for nothing,

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Speaker 1: and we can become more connected through the problems we

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Speaker 1: face and through the problems we go through together and

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Speaker 1: even sometimes separate. They can really create deeper relationships within

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Speaker 1: ourselves and with us and our partners. I think I've

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Speaker 1: talked about this book. I think I talked about it

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Speaker 1: last week. I've been listening to the State of Affairs,

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Speaker 1: which is a book written by Esther Perell, and it

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Speaker 1: talks all about affairs and also just the history of relationships.

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Speaker 1: And there was a part in the beginning of the

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Speaker 1: book where she was talking about why she even wrote

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Speaker 1: the book, and she said something along the lines of

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Speaker 1: affairs dare I say, can actually be very helpful for

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Speaker 1: our relationships and can strengthen our relationships. And that's something

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Speaker 1: very I think risque to say, because we just think

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Speaker 1: of those things such as affairs or tumultuous years of

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Speaker 1: our relationships as bad taboo. Shouldn't talk about them, they

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Speaker 1: shouldn't happen kind of things. And I mean whether or

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Speaker 1: not they should happen, there also can be good that

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Speaker 1: comes in the aftermath, maybe not in the thing, but

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Speaker 1: through moving through the thing and esther says, and a

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Speaker 1: crisis like an affair, like many of life's crises, propels

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Speaker 1: us into the essence of things. It's often the first

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Speaker 1: time that couples broach conversations that they've avoided for years,

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Speaker 1: conversations about unmet needs, longings, frustrations, and loneliness that in

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Speaker 1: hide and sight, people wish they had engaged in much

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Speaker 1: earlier in their relationships. And I really do believe this

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Speaker 1: to be true. These things can propel us into spaces

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Speaker 1: that we might not have moved through if we didn't

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Speaker 1: have to, if we weren't thrown into them, we might

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Speaker 1: not have had these conversations. If we didn't necessarily have to,

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Speaker 1: we would have avoided them as long as we could have.

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Speaker 1: And sometimes you need that push. I believe that to

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Speaker 1: be very, very true. And I also believe that with

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Speaker 1: that being said, it's all very messy. It doesn't have

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Speaker 1: to be clean for it to be good. It doesn't

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Speaker 1: have to be clean for it to be helpful. It

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Speaker 1: can be messy and helpful. The struggles that we all

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Speaker 1: face are gray. A lot of the times, they're not

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Speaker 1: good or bad. They're not good or evil and fill

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Speaker 1: in the blank. I think part of the work of

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Speaker 1: moving forward truly is being honest. If I was going

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Speaker 1: to give my two cents on some of the I mean,

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Speaker 1: I guess I am giving my two cents, but on

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Speaker 1: really the work of it all, I mean being honest,

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Speaker 1: being honest about those things that you wouldn't have shared

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Speaker 1: if you weren't propelled into that space, telling the truth

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Speaker 1: when those old feelings come up, even after you feel

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Speaker 1: like you've moved on, or you've moved through it, or

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Speaker 1: it shouldn't be coming up anymore. I think part of

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Speaker 1: the work is continuing to tell the truth about what's

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Speaker 1: going on with you and being able to listen to

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Speaker 1: your partner when they're telling their truth. Your partner needs

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Speaker 1: to know your truth. You need to know your truth.

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Speaker 1: Those things need to be out in the open. And

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Speaker 1: I think so often when we try to just avoid

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Speaker 1: that stuff because again, we've moved through it, we've moved

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Speaker 1: past it, however you want to say it. We have

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Speaker 1: a hard time understanding what is our truth when we

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Speaker 1: are not allowing that to be said out loud. If not,

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Speaker 1: what you're doing is dancing around everything, and that gets

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Speaker 1: about messy that gets just convoluted in almost like murky. Now.

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Speaker 1: I think sometimes when we move through something, what we

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Speaker 1: really are wanting to do is move past it. And

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Speaker 1: the reality is sometimes we need to move with before

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Speaker 1: we can get to the through part. This doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: we take that resentment with us and we harbor the

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Speaker 1: old mistakes, just waiting for a moment to pull them

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Speaker 1: out and use them against our partner when we need

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Speaker 1: some leverage. That That's not what I mean when I

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Speaker 1: say move with. It means when the stuff comes creeping

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Speaker 1: back up, we don't act like everything is fine. We

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Speaker 1: try our hardest because this stuff is hard, try our

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Speaker 1: hardest to find patience for ourselves, for our partners, for

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Speaker 1: our humanness, and we talk about the stuff when it

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Speaker 1: comes up. We take responsibility for our parts. I think

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Speaker 1: this is huge. We take responsibility for our part instead

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Speaker 1: of the easier road of blaming all of our feelings

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Speaker 1: that are coming up on someone else or what someone

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Speaker 1: else did or what someone else didn't do. And we

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Speaker 1: ask for what we need instead of just complaining about

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Speaker 1: what our partners are doing wrong or have done wrong,

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Speaker 1: or continue to mess up with. We ask for what

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Speaker 1: we need. You know showing up with an ask versus

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Speaker 1: a complaint, Well, complaints can be helpful. It's also helpful

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Speaker 1: to show up with an ask instead of just showing

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Speaker 1: up with those missteps that our partners are doing. We

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Speaker 1: don't just get over stuff. I think we continue to

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Speaker 1: process what comes up until we are in a place

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Speaker 1: when we don't have to process it anymore, and in

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Speaker 1: that space we get to have good times. Right. That's

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Speaker 1: why I say we move with until we can kind

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Speaker 1: of move through it, because just because I'm working on

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Speaker 1: this doesn't mean the relationship doesn't have a lot of

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Speaker 1: good moments. It doesn't mean that you aren't. You know,

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Speaker 1: in this email, you're saying, like January, things really starting

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Speaker 1: to take a turn for the good, wonderful. You can

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Speaker 1: still have those good moments and you can still be

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Speaker 1: in a good space while stuff comes up, and sometimes

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Speaker 1: you need to talk about it. Sometimes you need to say, hey,

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Speaker 1: I've been noticing that I've been really you know, thinking

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Speaker 1: about X y Z. And I don't know what it

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Speaker 1: is that's going on with me that's bringing this back up,

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Speaker 1: but I just wanted to put it out there because

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Speaker 1: I've been nitpicky and I think that's coming from somewhere,

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Speaker 1: or I was really disappointed at this thing you did

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Speaker 1: and I'm realizing maybe has nothing to do with that,

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Speaker 1: and I thought I was over this, so I was

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Speaker 1: blaming my feelings on something else. But I think I

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Speaker 1: need to talk about this, or I think there's something

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Speaker 1: I need to hear or something I need to say.

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Speaker 1: So really, in you asking your questions isn't normal? And

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Speaker 1: do I have any tips or guidance on healing after

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Speaker 1: a rough patch. I think whether or not it's normal,

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Speaker 1: it can still be healthy for you, right, It can

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Speaker 1: still be good for your relationship to continue to show

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Speaker 1: up and talk about the things that are showing up

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Speaker 1: for you. And if it feels like you can't in quotes,

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Speaker 1: get past something, if there's something it keeps coming up

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Speaker 1: and you keep having this resent manner, you keep feeling

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Speaker 1: this anxiety that might be giving us information about something

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Speaker 1: else that needs to be worked through that might have

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Speaker 1: nothing to do with your partner or their relationship, might

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Speaker 1: have to do with more of your story. And since

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Speaker 1: you have a therapist, you guys can get into the

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Speaker 1: weeds and figure out if that's what's going on. And

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Speaker 1: when it comes to the part where you're asking for

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Speaker 1: tips or guidance. It's what really is coming up for

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Speaker 1: me is having some patience and allowing yourself to frame

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Speaker 1: this as something that can help you guys, versus hold

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Speaker 1: you guys back, allow some of this conflict, why I

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Speaker 1: know in the moment sometimes does not feel that way,

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Speaker 1: but allowing the conflict to let you learn more about

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Speaker 1: your partner and to let your partner learn more about you,

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Speaker 1: because they cannot learn things about you that are accurate

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Speaker 1: if we aren't telling the truth. And that goes back

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Speaker 1: to me saying tell the truth, Tell the truth, listen

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Speaker 1: to the truth. I hope that was helpful, and I'm

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Speaker 1: glad you're starting to move through a better spot. And

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Speaker 1: I do think that is really interesting what you said too.

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Speaker 1: You didn't realize how bad things were until things started

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Speaker 1: getting better. I think that's so relatable. So often we

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Speaker 1: don't realize that relationships don't have to be a certain

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Speaker 1: way until we realize that they aren't that way anymore.

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Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean we jump out of the relationship

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Speaker 1: where and it means, hey, maybe there's work we can

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Speaker 1: do that can help us so we don't have to

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Speaker 1: live this way. So we don't have to continue to

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Speaker 1: have the same fight over and over in the same

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Speaker 1: exact form or so. We just learned how to fight better.

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Speaker 1: So I hope this is helpful. Thank you so much

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Speaker 1: much for your question, and if you guys have any questions,

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Speaker 1: you can send them to Katherine at UNI Therapy podcast

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Speaker 1: dot com. You can follow me at cat dot Defada

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Speaker 1: and at UNI Therapy Podcast, and you can follow my

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Speaker 1: therapy practice at three Chords Therapy where we just added

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Speaker 1: our fifth therapist to our team, which I'm really excited about.

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Speaker 1: My name is Bridget and she's wonderful. You can check

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Speaker 1: her out on our website three Quordesthapy dot com. I

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Speaker 1: will be back with you guys on Monday. Until then,

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Speaker 1: I hope you have the day you need to have. Bye, guys,