Speaker 1: I think if you're going to create self care in
Speaker 1: your life, it needs to be continuous. The biggest mistake
Speaker 1: we make is it's like I've got this stressful life,
Speaker 1: and self care is akin to taking a vacation from
Speaker 1: that stressful life. Do the things that make you feel
Speaker 1: good about life daily. The reason why we struggle with
Speaker 1: our mental health is because we put ourselves last, and
Speaker 1: we deal with everything and everybody else until we're truly
Speaker 1: genuinely drained and burnt out, and then we take a
Speaker 1: trip to Disneyland to try to recuperate. Make sure that
Speaker 1: the things you enjoy are continuously available in your life,
Speaker 1: even if they're in small doses, they'll still make a
Speaker 1: massive impact. Welcome back to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliakhani.
Speaker 1: What's been better in your life since you listen to
Speaker 1: the previous episode. This is not just any podcast. This
Speaker 1: is a podcast to inspire healing in your life. So
Speaker 1: please get used to that question because I want you
Speaker 1: focusing on what's been better in your life as a
Speaker 1: result of listening to this healing journey. And I'm going
Speaker 1: to ask you that question constantly to help you shift
Speaker 1: your focus. Every week, I learned something else about Jay
Speaker 1: that blows me away, that genuinely impresses me. But it's
Speaker 1: important that Jay be able to recognize these things in
Speaker 1: herself and give herself credit for her amazing attributes. Once
Speaker 1: she does this, her ability to create change will increase. Jane,
Speaker 1: how are you? And I'm doing well? So what's been
Speaker 1: better since we last met?
Speaker 2: That's been better? Relly Garry? Things pretty much the.
Speaker 1: Same, Okay, So I can ask you a weird question
Speaker 1: like how can you tell it's the same? Like what
Speaker 1: is happening that tells you things are the same.
Speaker 2: I mean I felt the same as I did last
Speaker 2: time we talked. I've definitely thought about what we talked
Speaker 2: about a lot, but I don't know that there's been
Speaker 2: any change in my activities. Yeah, I mean pretty much
Speaker 2: still doing the same thing.
Speaker 1: Uh, what what things did you think about?
Speaker 2: Just like when you were asking me, like what is
Speaker 2: my what is the ideal version of Jay looks like?
Speaker 2: And how do I know that I'm reaching towards that
Speaker 2: that that perspective? I guess I've thought about it. I've
Speaker 2: thought about, you know, waking up in the morning, working
Speaker 2: out and praying more and doing all those things. But
Speaker 2: it did it actually happened right?
Speaker 1: Right? And you said you thought about it a lot, Like,
Speaker 1: how would you quantify a lot?
Speaker 2: Well, I mean, I mean I thought about it. I
Speaker 2: don't know if a lot is the right term, but
Speaker 2: I thought about what we talked about more than I've
Speaker 2: thought about those things previous to our conversation.
Speaker 1: Right, And even though like you still were doing the
Speaker 1: same things you just thought about it, were there any
Speaker 1: times where you felt even a little bit more like
Speaker 1: the jay you wanted to be? You know, like, did
Speaker 1: you did you catch yourself at any moments feeling a
Speaker 1: little bit more like that that version of Jalen?
Speaker 2: I guess, I guess so, I guess there was moments
Speaker 2: where I told myself to be more present in the
Speaker 2: moment and allowed myself to be that yeh wow. Like
Speaker 2: I went and took my son for a walk, well
Speaker 2: not for a walk, but I was walked him to
Speaker 2: daycare versus driving, okay, and I felt and enduring that walk.
Speaker 2: I felt like, okay, like I'm present in this moment.
Speaker 2: I'm filling the breeze, I'm enjoying the walk, I'm looking
Speaker 2: at the scenery, you know, I'm checking on him and
Speaker 2: seeing what he's doing, so I felt present in that moment.
Speaker 1: How unusual is it for you to walk instead of drive?
Speaker 2: I started walking over the summer, trying to like force
Speaker 2: myself to walk versus driving. So that was something that
Speaker 2: I did start, but when the weather changed, I stopped
Speaker 2: so But even though the weather wasn't that great, I
Speaker 2: still walked him to twice this past week.
Speaker 1: What led to the decision that this would be a
Speaker 1: time when you would walk even though the weather wasn't
Speaker 1: super ideal.
Speaker 2: I don't know. I just told myself to get off
Speaker 2: my ass and walk. I'm not sure.
Speaker 1: And how much like the old Gene is that to
Speaker 1: just like, you know, get off your ass and do something.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's definitely more the old Jay for sure. But honestly,
Speaker 2: like it's it is part of my personality to be
Speaker 2: like that in general. Like even now, it's just I
Speaker 2: guess sometimes I just more now than I have in
Speaker 2: the past, I let myself kind of get in my
Speaker 2: own way and like hume up with excuses. But you know,
Speaker 2: there's definitely aspects of that in my present day too.
Speaker 2: I just you know, keep allowing the negative thoughts, I
Speaker 2: guess to kind of stop me from doing things as
Speaker 2: much as I used to.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean that too. It's amazing to discover, even
Speaker 1: to hear you talk about, even in the current environment
Speaker 1: with some of the netive thoughts, the old Jane was
Speaker 1: never really totally gone, you know. Some aspects of her
Speaker 1: are still there.
Speaker 2: Yeah, definitely. Yeah, but it kind of manifests more and
Speaker 2: probably like projects that I take on versus the things
Speaker 2: that I do for myself. So I'm just trying to,
Speaker 2: you know, apply it to taking care of me too.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it makes sense. And do you enjoy being the
Speaker 1: type of mom walking to daycare with her happy baby
Speaker 1: because you're being a little bit more present?
Speaker 2: Yes, I do, especially because I well, I mean this
Speaker 2: is not really relevant, but there's another mom that takes
Speaker 2: her kids to the same daycare and she's always so
Speaker 2: freaking angry mm mmm, like sh Like I sometimes I
Speaker 2: just hope that she sees that I'm like happy, because
Speaker 2: maybe it might rubble off on her. How come because
Speaker 2: children are so precious, Like why would you want to
Speaker 2: be you know, so mean towards them, you know, And
Speaker 2: she's she just seems so so angry, so mean, and
Speaker 2: who the hell wants to spend their day like that, Like, damn,
Speaker 2: I just want to give her a hug, Like, girl,
Speaker 2: it's gonna be all.
Speaker 1: Right, Jamine, I completely agree. Yeah, prior to you and
Speaker 1: this woman going to the same daycare, did you know her? No, Jayleen,
Speaker 1: I want to ask you a very unusual question, is that, Okay, sure,
Speaker 1: why would you care? This is a complete and total stranger.
Speaker 1: You don't know her, never matter. Before you guys started
Speaker 1: going to the same daycare, you observe her being angry
Speaker 1: all the time and mean and and this and that.
Speaker 1: And by the way, I completely agree with you. That
Speaker 1: is not a great way to live your dad. When
Speaker 1: you were saying that, I was like, yeah, it's totally true.
Speaker 1: But like, why why does Jaylen care? What is it
Speaker 1: about Jaylen that makes your care about the daily experience
Speaker 1: of this woman and her children?
Speaker 2: I mean, because we're a community. I care about other people,
Speaker 2: and I certainly care about vulnerable populations, and children are
Speaker 2: the most vulnerable in our elders as well. Like I
Speaker 2: don't No one is deserving of being around negative energy
Speaker 2: all the time, you know, particularly babies. So I just
Speaker 2: I just think it's like, right, you know what I mean, Like,
Speaker 2: I just I just don't like it.
Speaker 1: I don't like it, by the way, Like everything you're
Speaker 1: saying it's like resonating in my spirit, Like I love
Speaker 1: that you're saying these things and that's important you and
Speaker 1: and that's that's true for you, Like keep using this
Speaker 1: phrase until you tell me to stop. But that's that's
Speaker 1: cool for you as the old Jalen and who you
Speaker 1: are currently right right, Okay, Jalen, can you think of
Speaker 1: another time in this past week when you felt more present,
Speaker 1: more like yourself? Not really no, so that was the
Speaker 1: biggest standout time? Yeah, okay, how would you notice more
Speaker 1: of Jalen Jalen coming back? Like what would be assigned
Speaker 1: to you as you go about another week that would
Speaker 1: tell you, like, all right, more of me is showing,
Speaker 1: Like it doesn't come on like a light switch, like oh,
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, you know, but it was just
Speaker 1: like gradually coming more back. Like what would be assigned
Speaker 1: to you that it was coming coming back?
Speaker 2: Mm hmmm, probably be. I would probably be more productive
Speaker 2: like during the day. I don't know, it's weird because
Speaker 2: it's like I feel like I was more like am
Speaker 2: like just more productive, Like I would get shit done,
Speaker 2: I would take care of my business. I would do
Speaker 2: what I needed to do, and I felt more like
Speaker 2: just you know, clear on what my task were for
Speaker 2: today and actually execute. Now nowadays, I feel like I
Speaker 2: do get things done, like I'm not a slacker, well
Speaker 2: in a sense that like I'm a slacker in my
Speaker 2: mind because I feel like, Okay, you give like sixty
Speaker 2: percent of yourself if that to the projects that you
Speaker 2: need to work on. If you gave more like eighty
Speaker 2: or ninety, then you would be even more ahead of
Speaker 2: the game. But then when I compare myself to other people,
Speaker 2: it's like, and I know you're not supposed to compare,
Speaker 2: but I know it's like, but it's like, damn you
Speaker 2: still like you still got you know, your properties, and
Speaker 2: you still started. I'm part of an investment group and
Speaker 2: we just recently bought a laundromat. You're still doing that. Wow,
Speaker 2: you know you still like go to work every day
Speaker 2: and your kids are still taking care of Like, like
Speaker 2: I see all of those things, but I also feel
Speaker 2: like I also spend a lot of time doing absolutely nothing.
Speaker 3: Like like playing on my phone or scrolling and so yeah,
Speaker 3: so that's the kind of the things I kind of
Speaker 3: struggle with like, are you as productive as you could be?
Speaker 1: And you feel like the old J would be more productive?
Speaker 1: Is that right?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Can I tell you the thing you said a minute
Speaker 1: ago that I really like? You said something I really
Speaker 1: like and I want to ask you about it. You said,
Speaker 1: right now, you're functioning at about sixty percent, right, and
Speaker 1: then you said, if I can get to eighty or
Speaker 1: nine ninety percent, it would be you know, so much better.
Speaker 1: And I love that you didn't say one hundred percent,
Speaker 1: because no one is at one hundred percent, right, Like
Speaker 1: that's just not real, right, Like everyone scrolls every now
Speaker 1: and then, and everyone wastes a little bit of time
Speaker 1: on you know, Netflix or you know whatever it is, right,
Speaker 1: So I love that you would say that. So how
Speaker 1: would you notice that that percentage was going higher and
Speaker 1: getting closer to that eighty or ninety percent?
Speaker 2: I guess, I mean, I guess I just would be
Speaker 2: spending more time working on the things that I need
Speaker 2: to work on versus being on my phone.
Speaker 1: Okay, Like, what what would be the what would be
Speaker 1: the type of thing that I'm focusing on what I
Speaker 1: need to work on. I'm still going to be on
Speaker 1: my phone because I'm not one hundred percent, because no
Speaker 1: one is right. But I'm just working on the things
Speaker 1: I need to work on with a little bit more
Speaker 1: focus or attention or you know what I mean, or
Speaker 1: or a little bit that percentage just a little bit higher.
Speaker 2: How would you notice My personality is like if I
Speaker 2: see something needs to be done, I do it and
Speaker 2: then I kind of stop. So but in that stopping,
Speaker 2: it's like, well, what else needs to take place? And having,
Speaker 2: you know, taken a moment to kind of dig a
Speaker 2: little deeper and not just address the things that are
Speaker 2: on the surface that are clear that need to be done,
Speaker 2: I would spend a little more time saying okay, like
Speaker 2: let me really really understand what we're doing and identify
Speaker 2: some of the holes.
Speaker 1: So wow, And would you be pleased with yourself if
Speaker 1: you caught yourself doing that, like just paying more attention
Speaker 1: than laundromat beyond the surface things that you just kind
Speaker 1: of have to do and start figuring out ways to
Speaker 1: get more clientele into the laundrobat and finding flaws or whatever.
Speaker 1: Would you be pleased to catch yourself doing that?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: How would the other people in the investment group know
Speaker 1: that they're now partnering with this kind of a Jaylen,
Speaker 1: How would they know that?
Speaker 2: So it's hard to say because if I took it
Speaker 2: to another level, I don't know that they would, Like
Speaker 2: they don't notice the things that I feel like I
Speaker 2: could do more. I don't know that they realize it
Speaker 2: because they don't really see the weaknesses in my approach
Speaker 2: the way I see it. So they're like, Oh, she's great,
Speaker 2: she's doing great, you know, like we know we can
Speaker 2: count on her, she knows how to get stuff done,
Speaker 2: blah blah blah. But me sitting back, like, I noticed
Speaker 2: where I could be you know, where I can improve.
Speaker 1: You know, it's interesting, Jalen, because you know what I'm
Speaker 1: learning as you talk.
Speaker 2: What's that?
Speaker 1: It sounds like the old versus the current Jane. The
Speaker 1: current Jane is actually still pretty awesome. Like if I
Speaker 1: called your your investment group and I said, tell me
Speaker 1: about jan and they wouldn't say, oh, she's asleep at
Speaker 1: the wheels, she's she's not dependable, She's like, they wouldn't
Speaker 1: say those things. But this shift you're talking about, it's
Speaker 1: like an internal shift, right that it might not be
Speaker 1: outwardly huge, but to you would be massively huge. Right,
Speaker 1: Is that right, Am I picking this up? Okay, yes,
Speaker 1: so maybe I should ask what else would you notice
Speaker 1: as this internal shift happens you pay more attention to
Speaker 1: the laundry mat that percentage of how much focus would
Speaker 1: go up from sixty percent closer to eighty to ninety percent.
Speaker 1: What else would you.
Speaker 2: Notice that I'm taking more care of myself physically and spiritually?
Speaker 2: I don't. It's like I know how to get stuff done,
Speaker 2: but it's taking care of me that I feel like
Speaker 2: it's lacking. It's like, yeah, I worked out when I
Speaker 2: was pregnant, but then as soon as I had the baby,
Speaker 2: I stopped working out. You know what I mean? Because
Speaker 2: I was working out, Like I tend to do a
Speaker 2: lot of things because I need to do them for
Speaker 2: someone else, but I don't really do a lot of
Speaker 2: stuff just for me.
Speaker 1: Gotcha that makes sense?
Speaker 2: Yeah, So I guess that's what I'm struggling with. So
Speaker 2: I think it's if I took more time to just
Speaker 2: focus on me, then I would notice that shift internally.
Speaker 1: What's the first thing you would notice that you focused
Speaker 1: on you?
Speaker 2: That I took like specific time throughout the week for
Speaker 2: just me doing something that I enjoy. But the challenges
Speaker 2: that I don't sometimes I don't know what that is.
Speaker 2: It's like, I know what people say, oh you know
Speaker 2: self care, go, yeah, you know, go to have a
Speaker 2: spa day or you know shit like that, and it's like, yeah,
Speaker 2: I mean that's cool, But is that really the care
Speaker 2: that I need? Do I need to light a candle
Speaker 2: and take a bath?
Speaker 4: Like?
Speaker 2: I don't know, Like I don't know if that is
Speaker 2: what self care needs to look like for me, So
Speaker 2: I don't. I'm trying to. I know, like I like
Speaker 2: to work out, and I feel that is self care
Speaker 2: for me. But until I get to a point where
Speaker 2: I am working out, what else can I be doing?
Speaker 1: What are the things that you enjoy that would feel
Speaker 1: to you like you're taking care of yourself if you
Speaker 1: had done them?
Speaker 2: Mmmmm, I mean I know that when the weather is different,
Speaker 2: I really do like to be outdoors and I like
Speaker 2: to grow stuff.
Speaker 1: So grow stuff like like what do you mean, I.
Speaker 2: Mean like plants like a party, like tomatoes and peppers
Speaker 2: and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: Oh well, do you have that like on your property
Speaker 1: like available to you?
Speaker 2: Yeah? I have the space for it.
Speaker 1: Wow, Okay, all right.
Speaker 2: I mean it's not enough space I'm not about to
Speaker 2: be like at the farmers market selling rights in space
Speaker 2: to grow you know what I need. But I'm from
Speaker 2: the family.
Speaker 1: I am not trying to turn you into a farmer, Jayalen,
Speaker 1: I promise well, I.
Speaker 2: Actually would not be against that.
Speaker 1: Do you think you'd be happy as a farmer? By
Speaker 1: the way, I do, you know?
Speaker 2: Oddly enough, I told my sister. I was like, I
Speaker 2: think I'm gonna try to find a farm that I
Speaker 2: can volunteer at for a week and see if I
Speaker 2: like it.
Speaker 4: What.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm like, I'm such a random person, but I do.
Speaker 2: I do feel like I really enjoy being outdoors. I
Speaker 2: like the idea of being close to nature. But I
Speaker 2: don't know if I would like being a farmer person.
Speaker 2: So I figure, you know, maybe I can volunteer and
Speaker 2: figure out if that is something that I truly would like.
Speaker 2: But the idea of it sounds awesome.
Speaker 1: I've always been I've always been fascinated like people who
Speaker 1: who like transform themselves, you know, mm hmm. And sometimes
Speaker 1: a big transformation like becoming a farmer or kind of
Speaker 1: like we're talking about here, like sometimes a small transformation,
Speaker 1: like you know, I'm going to focus more on the
Speaker 1: laundry bat. But I've always been fascinated by, like the
Speaker 1: act of doing something different, you know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, me too.
Speaker 1: And you said I'm a random person. Did I hear
Speaker 1: you say that?
Speaker 2: Yeah? I like. I like random stuff, Like I like spontaneity.
Speaker 2: I like thinking outside the box. I miss being more spontaneous,
Speaker 2: like I don't know, I just I like, you know,
Speaker 2: like life is supposed to be lived, right, Like I.
Speaker 1: Could not agree with you more.
Speaker 2: We do the same thing over and over and over,
Speaker 2: and honestly, that's one of the challenges I have with
Speaker 2: being a mom, Like I know that it's supposed to
Speaker 2: be like this miraculous time in my life, and it's
Speaker 2: so full of love and joy. Yeah, it's that, but
Speaker 2: it's also like kind of mundane, like how many diapers
Speaker 2: do you need to change? Bro? Like it's it's so
Speaker 2: much of the same thing over and over, right, that
Speaker 2: sometimes I miss the I don't know, I guess I know,
Speaker 2: like you know, watching my son learn how to talk more,
Speaker 2: you know, becoming more independent, my oldest son asking me
Speaker 2: all these silly I ask questions and making me laugh
Speaker 2: like that is beautiful, it is right, but it also
Speaker 2: feels very like the same thing over and over.
Speaker 1: You know, if I said to you, I want you
Speaker 1: to do one random thing this week, what are you
Speaker 1: reading you do?
Speaker 2: M I don't know. I gotta think about that one.
Speaker 1: Because as you as you talk about this, I start
Speaker 1: wondering if, what if? What if self care to Jayleen
Speaker 1: looks like not being a mom for a few minutes,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Or and not that you
Speaker 1: don't enjoy being a mom, but like, what if self
Speaker 1: care to Jayleen looks like I'm just gonna do something
Speaker 1: completely spontaneous and crazy. M M for a second, like
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna I'm gonna do something off the rhythm?
Speaker 1: Does Does that make sense?
Speaker 2: Yeah? No, that's that's interesting.
Speaker 1: I never thought about it, right, So introducing spontaneity is
Speaker 1: probably the self care that you need.
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Maybe, hhmm maybe, Jayleen, that's an interesting thought that I
Speaker 1: didn't think about until I heard you say that.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I think so. You know, we get so caught
Speaker 2: up in what self care looks like andy to you know,
Speaker 2: personalize it and really think about what that looks like
Speaker 2: for the individual based on you know, what they're sharing.
Speaker 2: I think is good for you. Good job, counselor, that's
Speaker 2: very insightful.
Speaker 1: Well, thank you. Maybe self care is once a week,
Speaker 1: I'm going to do something completely random because I don't
Speaker 1: like the feeling of routine. So like one week, I'm
Speaker 1: going to go to the local bar, the next week
Speaker 1: I'm going to go to a park, and the next
Speaker 1: week I'm going to try a restaurant that's completely not
Speaker 1: the kind of place I would normally go, or you know,
Speaker 1: so on and so on.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I like that.
Speaker 1: So I kind of want to push you if you'd
Speaker 1: allow me to, okay, and I want you to pay
Speaker 1: more attention to how other people might experience you when
Speaker 1: you're at your best. Then another example is the people
Speaker 1: in the investment group. Now, you're a pretty awesome person,
Speaker 1: so I believe you're telling the one hundred in truth.
Speaker 1: If I called the people in the investment group and
Speaker 1: I said, tell me about Jay Lenn, they wouldn't say, oh,
Speaker 1: she's not dependable, we can't count on her. She's you know,
Speaker 1: not paying attention. They wouldn't say that. But I'll bet
Speaker 1: you if you were on the ball and you started
Speaker 1: noticing things and you started getting more clients to go in,
Speaker 1: they would still notice the transformation, you know, like, yeah,
Speaker 1: sometimes we think people only notice the transformation if they
Speaker 1: notice the problem, and that's not actually true. That's not
Speaker 1: actually true. I don't have to know the problem in
Speaker 1: order to see the growth, right, So I want to
Speaker 1: I want to challenge you to notice how other people
Speaker 1: notice you, you know, even if they don't say anything,
Speaker 1: because they might not say anything. Your one and a
Speaker 1: half year old certainly wouldn't say anything, but your one
Speaker 1: and a half year old would absolutely notice, because that
Speaker 1: little guy is just doing nothing but studying his mom
Speaker 1: all day.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: And then the last thing I want to point out
Speaker 1: to you is, I think my favorite thing I learned
Speaker 1: about you today actually have two favorite things I learned
Speaker 1: about you. The first one is that you curse. I
Speaker 1: don't think you cursed once in our first session, but
Speaker 1: I love that you cursed today because I want you
Speaker 1: to be yourself. The other thing I learned was that
Speaker 1: you care about a random stranger who seems to be
Speaker 1: being mean and not having great days, and you care
Speaker 1: enough that you want you want to be a model
Speaker 1: for her so she can see you don't have to
Speaker 1: be that way. Did I catch that right?
Speaker 2: Yes? I also want to punchure on her face, but
Speaker 2: I'm not going to do that.
Speaker 1: It's okay to be both. That says a lot about
Speaker 1: you that you see this and you like even for
Speaker 1: her children's sake, like you want her to be better.
Speaker 1: If I could use that phrase like, that says a
Speaker 1: lot about you and who you are. So I just
Speaker 1: want you to be aware. I want you to notice,
Speaker 1: you know. I almost want you to like live your
Speaker 1: life remembering that people are watching watching you, and people
Speaker 1: that matter, like your children or even a random stranger
Speaker 1: like the daycare worker may not say you look like
Speaker 1: you're having a great day or whatever, but I would
Speaker 1: bet you they would notice, because those things tend to
Speaker 1: be noticeable, you know.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm, all right.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I think a lot of times I go through life
Speaker 2: feeling like no one's paying me any attention. So I
Speaker 2: can certainly start thinking about that more and more conscious
Speaker 2: of it.
Speaker 1: You know, Jayleen, everybody's paying attention, ma'am. They might not
Speaker 1: say anything, but they can all see it.
Speaker 2: I think part of that is just the relationship that
Speaker 2: I meant. Sometimes I feel like this guy is not
Speaker 2: paying me any attention, so.
Speaker 1: Even him.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you're right.
Speaker 1: So how do we do today, Jay?
Speaker 2: We did good.
Speaker 1: The reason why it's easier to focus on others rather
Speaker 1: than ourselves is because focusing on ourselves makes us uncomfortable,
Speaker 1: and the distraction becomes focusing on others, whether that's taking
Speaker 1: care of your partner, raising children, things you do at work,
Speaker 1: internal work and an internal focus makes us very uncomfortable,
Speaker 1: and the process of looking outward is just easier and
Speaker 1: also becomes a distraction because the responses are immediate. So
Speaker 1: if I focus on my children, then I feel better
Speaker 1: as a mom or a dad. But when I look
Speaker 1: at myself, it's often a slow journey that requires some uncomfort,
Speaker 1: and people want to be comfortable. That's actually what makes
Speaker 1: change hard for all of us is we get used
Speaker 1: to our current environment, regardless of how negative or positive
Speaker 1: it is. So asking someone to change is inherently asking
Speaker 1: people to get used to a new reality, which makes
Speaker 1: us uncomfortable. From this conversation with David, it's clear that
Speaker 1: he is starting to realize that small changes can have
Speaker 1: a massive impact. And even though it has just started,
Speaker 1: as he has already implemented some of these small changes
Speaker 1: in his life, he's already experiencing positive change. So, David,
Speaker 1: what's been better since we last talked?
Speaker 4: Uh, work, little stuff? It's been It's been good, man,
Speaker 4: it's been good. You know. I took into consider I
Speaker 4: really took what you told me. And you know, every
Speaker 4: day it's made small steps into that. So my morning
Speaker 4: routine changed. Get out of bed, I say my prayers
Speaker 4: and I just say like, okay, mom, sis, even if
Speaker 4: I throw my dad in it too. I know y'all
Speaker 4: looking over me. I know y'all watching me. I know
Speaker 4: y'all support me is trying to get to it, and
Speaker 4: you know, just say my blessing and I get up
Speaker 4: and I attack my day and and I know we
Speaker 4: had our session on Friday, I believe it was last week.
Speaker 4: And my first day back to work was Saturday. And
Speaker 4: it was a rock star day too, So I just
Speaker 4: felt good. The energy was different. The energy was definitely different.
Speaker 1: How could you tell?
Speaker 4: So my reaction too, because I was in a different location,
Speaker 4: that's one. So I took it with a grain of salt,
Speaker 4: like I was like, listen, man, it's out of my control.
Speaker 4: I gotta do what I gotta do, Like I don't
Speaker 4: own the company. So I took it like that and
Speaker 4: this my interaction with just people and this little situations
Speaker 4: I was coming up even at home, like I just
Speaker 4: took it like okay, like not like being a pushover
Speaker 4: or anything, but just saying like all right, this would
Speaker 4: need to be done. I was just a little bit
Speaker 4: more proactive on certain things than what I was before.
Speaker 4: So I felt like it's moving in a good direction
Speaker 4: and I just you know, just trying to get better
Speaker 4: at it every day, one step at a time.
Speaker 1: Man. I loved it. And you said Saturday was a
Speaker 1: rock star day? What made it a rock star day?
Speaker 4: As soon as I walked in there, it was just
Speaker 4: like I was on fire. Like every person I came in,
Speaker 4: I was closing them. But now I had a big
Speaker 4: day Monday because I was off Sunday because it was closed.
Speaker 4: So I had two big days and it was and
Speaker 4: I was like, all right, that's good. So now it's like,
Speaker 4: you know, just continue to keep piling on to what
Speaker 4: I have already going on.
Speaker 1: Man. I love that. And as your energy changed, who noticed?
Speaker 1: Tell me who noticed there was something different about David?
Speaker 4: Oh? David noticed? I noticed, Yeah, And that's I think
Speaker 4: that's the key. Like I got to notice it first.
Speaker 1: I love that, bro.
Speaker 4: I don't know, like my coworkers or anything notice anything
Speaker 4: like that because I'm pretty much in like good spirits
Speaker 4: or whatever the case may be. But that was it
Speaker 4: because I was a little under the weather too at home.
Speaker 4: But I bounced out of that quick, like I maybound
Speaker 4: down for like a day if that, and then I
Speaker 4: just bounced out of that. So I don't really know
Speaker 4: if like family noticed or my son's they too young,
Speaker 4: they five, and me too, so they always wanted to
Speaker 4: see happy dad. And they either know happy dad or
Speaker 4: sad dad. That's it. There's no in between. Dad, and
Speaker 4: you know, that was it. Really. I didn't ask Jade anything.
Speaker 4: She didn't mention anything to me, No, But I noticed it.
Speaker 4: So how did you?
Speaker 1: How else did you notice it?
Speaker 4: Besides from performance? I just I just felt different. I
Speaker 4: just felt different, Like it was just a different like
Speaker 4: NYG inside me. I just felt different. I think that's
Speaker 4: what it was. I just felt different, you know. And
Speaker 4: I felt myself not getting upset. That's one thing I noticed,
Speaker 4: Like I felt myself not getting upset at little things
Speaker 4: and just taking it as it is, like all right,
Speaker 4: I just take care of it, don't you worry? About it.
Speaker 4: But I think that's how I noticed it.
Speaker 1: M what happened. Instead of you getting upset.
Speaker 4: I took a second, were more than a second process
Speaker 4: what I wanted to say, right, took a couple of
Speaker 4: deep breasts and then relay the message or just like
Speaker 4: all right, that's okay, don't even worry about it. You know,
Speaker 4: I think I got it like something like that, you know,
Speaker 4: or don't say nothing and just did it, like you know.
Speaker 4: I think it was one day I came home, I'm like, oh,
Speaker 4: I'm hungry, I gotta make me something to eat, and
Speaker 4: the kitchen need to be cleaned up. So I was like,
Speaker 4: you know what, I'm gonna clean up a little bit
Speaker 4: real quick, making something to eat, sit down, eat that,
Speaker 4: and then go back in there and clean it up.
Speaker 4: I ain't even gonna get upset about it. I ain't
Speaker 4: gonna start slaying dishes and get loud and leave it
Speaker 4: there and stuff like that. And I just went ahead
Speaker 4: and just did it. I think that was like so yeah,
Speaker 4: I just did that, Like little things like that usually
Speaker 4: it you know, it irritates me, but I gotta I
Speaker 4: can't let all this little stuff keep bothering me and
Speaker 4: not being able to tackle the bigger things. So I
Speaker 4: just was like I in my between, I just like
Speaker 4: ii epan, I got it. I don't worry about it,
Speaker 4: and just did it. When I was it. It takes
Speaker 4: too much energy to be angry, so I just turned
Speaker 4: one of my shoulders on or put it up there
Speaker 4: on the counter on my phone, had my earbugs in
Speaker 4: and just did my thing. And then next thing, you know,
Speaker 4: it was over. It turned the light off, and it
Speaker 4: was like almost like all right, I did that. It
Speaker 4: wasn't too bad, you know, went back in the living room,
Speaker 4: did a little bit more, listened to my audio book
Speaker 4: before I went to bed, and then I went to
Speaker 4: bed when that was it.
Speaker 1: And how much of a change is that, you said,
Speaker 1: like there might have been times it would have been
Speaker 1: slimming dishes and you know, getting angry. How much of
Speaker 1: a change is that.
Speaker 4: It's a big change, because now I don't got to
Speaker 4: hear it in the morning, like you was down here
Speaker 4: last night, you was up for a little bit and
Speaker 4: you couldn't do this and that and the third. So
Speaker 4: sometimes I don't like hearing that first thing in the
Speaker 4: morning because it's just starting my day off with negativity.
Speaker 4: So if I want to start my day off positive, right,
Speaker 4: and there's something I can do to change that the
Speaker 4: day before, then why not do that Now. I'm not
Speaker 4: gonna sit here and say I'm gonna clean up the
Speaker 4: whole house because I just got off the work, but
Speaker 4: I'm gonna take care of it. Is because one thing
Speaker 4: I know, that's one thing I don't like doing it.
Speaker 4: She don't really like doing it. But if I'm there
Speaker 4: and it's that night time and I'm up because I'm
Speaker 4: usually the night out, why not trying to knock it out?
Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying. Why not try to knock
Speaker 4: it out? She already got the boys ready for bed
Speaker 4: and all that good stuff, So why not try to
Speaker 4: knock this out? So when she get up in the morning,
Speaker 4: if it's school or whatever, she got to make the
Speaker 4: bottles with the little one, or you know, prepare breakfast
Speaker 4: or something. Everything is all clean. And like I said,
Speaker 4: I was already under the weather a little bit, so
Speaker 4: I slept in more so it gave her time to
Speaker 4: get up and everything was already taken care of, so
Speaker 4: you know, it was it was a change. It helps
Speaker 4: when that when that happens.
Speaker 1: Definitely, and Jay might not have said anything, but what
Speaker 1: difference do you think it made to her? She woke
Speaker 1: up and everything was already done. Like I'm not sure
Speaker 1: if she said anything or whatever, but she.
Speaker 4: She did say nothing, But it definitely I know, I
Speaker 4: know because I know her enough. Yea, she was probably like,
Speaker 4: thank you, you know what I'm saying. Yeah, I know
Speaker 4: she was probably saying that to herself.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And we also know that she must have noticed
Speaker 1: because I think I heard you say you didn't wake
Speaker 1: up with the negativity.
Speaker 4: Yeah there, because usually that's what would happened, like like
Speaker 4: shit say that, like, Yo, you couldn't do this, You
Speaker 4: couldn't do that, Like you're sitting right here, you ain't
Speaker 4: come to bed at two o'clock, like you couldn't watch it,
Speaker 4: like and I you know before I'm like, I ain't
Speaker 4: feel like and then I'm responding back. Now we're both
Speaker 4: going back and forth. And we didn't have to do that,
Speaker 4: you know, it just I just would have jumped on
Speaker 4: the real quick, you know, to got knocked out a
Speaker 4: couple of things for so I think that was a big,
Speaker 4: a big help, a big step.
Speaker 1: Hey man, instead of negativity when that was happening what
Speaker 1: would you call So you didn't wake up with negativity?
Speaker 1: What did you wake up with?
Speaker 4: I just woke up to, you know, going through my thing.
Speaker 4: I just like so if I if isl me, So
Speaker 4: I always try to start off positive, right, because that's
Speaker 4: gonna help me get get me due to my day
Speaker 4: right because I'm dealing with all types of people and
Speaker 4: I know it's going to be some negative things that's
Speaker 4: gonna come, but I gotta be able to respond and
Speaker 4: because I got to do my job right, So I
Speaker 4: try to start my day off being positive. So if
Speaker 4: I start, if I wake up and I do my things,
Speaker 4: start my day off positive, and then the person that's
Speaker 4: closest to me hit me with something negative, it just
Speaker 4: throws me off. Course, like it just throws me off,
Speaker 4: and then I got to try to re grab that
Speaker 4: back or if it keeps going on and it just
Speaker 4: messes up your whole day and your vibe. Right, So
Speaker 4: when I try, you know, by me taking care of
Speaker 4: that little small part, and like I said, it's a
Speaker 4: lot of other things that could have been done. It's
Speaker 4: a lot of other things that can be addressed to
Speaker 4: as well. Though, But like I said, also you got
Speaker 4: to take steps. But if I saw that that needed
Speaker 4: to be done, and I know, like she's definitely gonna
Speaker 4: be home all day with the boy, and I knocked
Speaker 4: out that, you know, so now she can go in
Speaker 4: there and she got to cook them something or whatever
Speaker 4: the case may be. The kitchen. She got a clean
Speaker 4: kitchen to work at. So it was a little bit
Speaker 4: better start in the morning off, you know, because when
Speaker 4: you start in the morning off that way, you know,
Speaker 4: you just feel is this a different vibe? It's a
Speaker 4: different feeling, and it was good, it was cool. I
Speaker 4: like that.
Speaker 1: Hm. Are you surprised? I gotta think of how to
Speaker 1: word this because I want to make sure I asked
Speaker 1: this right. Are you surprised that a little thing you did,
Speaker 1: like cleaning the kitchen?
Speaker 4: Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: Had such an impact? Like even though Jalen didn't just
Speaker 1: overtly say it, but are you surprised that you did
Speaker 1: a little thing like cleaning the kitchen and it literally
Speaker 1: changed the way you woke up the next morning? Like?
Speaker 1: Does that surprise you? Mm?
Speaker 4: I wouldn't say more of a surprise because I think
Speaker 4: me personally, I think she thinks that you know, it's expected,
Speaker 4: but it was definitely more uh, what I'm looking for.
Speaker 4: I think it was more I think it was more accepted,
Speaker 4: like okay, all right, cool, all right, So I did that,
Speaker 4: so allright, and it was I feel like I did that,
Speaker 4: and this was the results that happened the next day.
Speaker 4: So now I add on to that, this is the
Speaker 4: results that was going to happen the next day. So
Speaker 4: I gotta keep building it up, building it up so
Speaker 4: I can. So if I want consistently consistent positivity every morning,
Speaker 4: you know, then I gotta continue to keep building it
Speaker 4: up by doing other things. And they don't necessarily gotta
Speaker 4: be something around the house like that should be a given,
Speaker 4: Like it just got to be other little other things, right,
Speaker 4: So we just got to keep checking off the boxes.
Speaker 4: And I think that's what's gonna help, you know, continue
Speaker 4: to keep getting that positive energy every morning.
Speaker 1: How proud do you think your mom, your dad, and
Speaker 1: your sister are watching you do these things.
Speaker 4: I think my sister and mom are super proud because
Speaker 4: they know the type of guy I am, type of
Speaker 4: man I am. I think my dad is proud too
Speaker 4: as well, for the simple reason of like my dad
Speaker 4: probably like I can hear him saying, like, man, I
Speaker 4: want to be none of that. Like my dad wasn't
Speaker 4: that type of guy. Like he's not gonna sit there
Speaker 4: like you know, he's not that Like he'll go order
Speaker 4: out fool. He's not gonna sit there and cook and
Speaker 4: clean up the kitchen, right aye. And I'm not saying
Speaker 4: he won't do that, but he's not gonna do that.
Speaker 4: That's not his thing. But for him to see me
Speaker 4: doing that, he was like, wow, you know I never
Speaker 4: did that. Like here's probably say that and he'll be like, Yo,
Speaker 4: that's a good thing. But my sister and my mother
Speaker 4: will really be proud because they know I haven't in me.
Speaker 4: They know I can do it, you know, and they
Speaker 4: will definitely be happy to see that, you know. So
Speaker 4: I think they're really they'll really be proud.
Speaker 1: And how much of this are you doing because you
Speaker 1: want to make things better between you and j and
Speaker 1: you want to see Jade happy? Like what what? How
Speaker 1: much of these changes are a part of that?
Speaker 4: A lot of it? Right, So it's not just so
Speaker 4: the changes is it's for both of us, right, So
Speaker 4: the changes are definitely gonna help me, right, It's definitely
Speaker 4: gonna help me. But by me getting better with myself
Speaker 4: and you know, stronger with my self is gonna be
Speaker 4: a re It's definitely gonna trans over to Jayleen and
Speaker 4: her being happy. Right. So that's the goal, right, So
Speaker 4: I gotta I gotta get I gotta make sure I'm
Speaker 4: strong right and make sure I'm happy with myself, and
Speaker 4: then that's gonna automatically transition to Jayalen because for me
Speaker 4: to get to myself happy, it's things that gotta change
Speaker 4: within the relationship. So that's gonna start making her happy
Speaker 4: and you know, and you know, just seeing that, Okay,
Speaker 4: this is I'm liking this, this is what's going on,
Speaker 4: and you know, and and that's what makes me happy.
Speaker 4: It's like I always said this. I said that like
Speaker 4: Christmas and birthdays and when I cook something or whatever,
Speaker 4: Like my happiness is seeing the smiles on your face.
Speaker 4: That's what I That's what I say, right, And that's
Speaker 4: my thing. Like seeing my ladies smile and happy and
Speaker 4: you know, proud of things that I do and did
Speaker 4: and accomplished, or you know, make her happy because I
Speaker 4: was thoughtful or this is something that she really liked
Speaker 4: and was really concerned about and I took care of
Speaker 4: It makes me happy. Right, it makes me happy, So
Speaker 4: you know, it definitely helped both of us. And that's
Speaker 4: a good thing.
Speaker 1: No, sir, that's not a good thing. That's a great thing.
Speaker 1: That's okay, out of the world thing, Like that's an
Speaker 1: amazing thing to hear. Do you think Jay knows that?
Speaker 1: Like if I recorded the last I don't know, thirty
Speaker 1: seconds or sixty seconds that you just said and played
Speaker 1: it for jas, do you think she would know that?
Speaker 1: Do you think she would be surprised to hear you
Speaker 1: say what you just said?
Speaker 4: I think she does know it, right. I think Jalen
Speaker 4: is to the point that she needs to see it, gotcha,
Speaker 4: jal is She's a strong woman, right, She's a very
Speaker 4: smart woman. Okay, she's a soldier, right. She need to
Speaker 4: see it. And I understand that part. So she needs
Speaker 4: to see it. She know all the capabilities I have, Yeah,
Speaker 4: and I can write. It's just that it's time for
Speaker 4: her to see things now. She needs to see it.
Speaker 4: And I think that's where we're at. She need to
Speaker 4: see this stuff.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Okay, And you're right, like she is a strong woman.
Speaker 1: And when you say she's a soldier, like literally she
Speaker 1: was in the Armed Services MM hmm. What do you
Speaker 1: imagine would be your clue that the actions you are taking,
Speaker 1: the things you are doing is impacting her in a
Speaker 1: significant way. Like when we started talking, you said, you're
Speaker 1: not sure Jaylen noticed, but she must have noticed because
Speaker 1: she behaved differently, like she woke up differently the next day.
Speaker 1: She might not have said anything, and she might not
Speaker 1: have you know, jumped up and down or anything, but
Speaker 1: she must have been aware. What what do you imagine would
Speaker 1: be a clue to you that when you see it,
Speaker 1: you're gonna be like, Okay, it's impacting j now, Like
Speaker 1: I'm I'm doing these things. I'm being consistent, I'm taking
Speaker 1: this action every day. What would what do you think
Speaker 1: would be the thing that would tell you, Okay, this
Speaker 1: is impacting us in a positive way.
Speaker 4: I think it would probably be more dialogue, Like it's
Speaker 4: probably the way she will respond to say something. She
Speaker 4: she's the type of person that she'd say something. She
Speaker 4: just say it, especially if it's for the good and
Speaker 4: she know like it's an initiative, Because then I would
Speaker 4: I would bring it out of her. I'd say I
Speaker 4: bring it up to her. But I think that's a
Speaker 4: reaction to it. She would definitely say something. The dialogue
Speaker 4: would be a little different. She'll probably be like, Yo,
Speaker 4: good job on that. I ain't know you did this.
Speaker 4: I was like, yeah, yeah, I was thinking about it.
Speaker 4: I know you mentioned it a couple of months ago,
Speaker 4: or this is on one of them lists that we have.
Speaker 4: You know, I keep everything. So I just went out
Speaker 4: of head and did it. She was like, okay, all right.
Speaker 4: They'll probably say something like Okay, them sessions, them sessions helping,
Speaker 4: huh right, because she's definitely gonna say something. She's definitely
Speaker 4: gonna say something like that. She's gonna say something about
Speaker 4: the sessions, and he say, oh, they helping, huh? You
Speaker 4: like you like Elliott, don't you? Huh? I feel okay?
Speaker 4: All right, that's that's that's the way she responds back,
Speaker 4: Like I know her, So I think that's what's gonna happen.
Speaker 4: But like I said, she needs to see it. She
Speaker 4: needs to see it. So I'm ready to start showing her.
Speaker 1: What difference would it make you to hear her say that,
Speaker 1: to hear her say those things.
Speaker 4: Man, I'm gonna be honest. I'm a guy, right, I'm
Speaker 4: a guy. I like my ego stroke sometimes I'm an athlete,
Speaker 4: so it will be very very very very very make
Speaker 4: me feel very good to hear her say something like that.
Speaker 4: And I'm not gonna see here and be like, ah,
Speaker 4: she don't got to say. No. I need to hear
Speaker 4: that sometimes, and I'm being honest with you, I need
Speaker 4: to hear that. That's gonna make me feel good if
Speaker 4: you say some stuff like that, absolutely, because it's gonna
Speaker 4: give me a sense of accomplishment. It's gonna let let
Speaker 4: me know like, Okay, some of the stuff that I'm
Speaker 4: doing and it's even you know, it might seem not
Speaker 4: as hard as somebody else, right, but it could have
Speaker 4: been a little hard work on my end though. But
Speaker 4: I need, like, you know, that pat on the back
Speaker 4: or that like, yo, good job dad. I appreciate that.
Speaker 4: I like to hear things like that. You know. I
Speaker 4: like to be congratulated on, you know, if I accomplished
Speaker 4: something and it was and I know it's helping both
Speaker 4: of us. So that's just being honest. That's that's me.
Speaker 1: No, look appreciate that. Do you think she knows that
Speaker 1: about you? Do you think she knows that like her
Speaker 1: feedback to you because you're a man, because you're an
Speaker 1: athlete because you because of the way you think about her.
Speaker 1: Do you think she knows that her feedback to you
Speaker 1: really impacts you.
Speaker 4: I think every woman knows that. I think of women
Speaker 4: that been with a certain person for a long time,
Speaker 4: women know, and Jalen knows what pisses me off and
Speaker 4: what makes me act right. He knows that she know,
Speaker 4: she know, and she and if you was the actor
Speaker 4: right now and she's like, absolutely, that's David's personality, I know, right,
Speaker 4: And I also know that what would take him off too?
Speaker 1: David? Can I challenge you a bit? I think you're right.
Speaker 1: If I called her right now and I said what
Speaker 1: pisses David off and what makes David happy, she'd be
Speaker 1: able to tell me one hundred percent. I actually agree
Speaker 1: with that. But if I said to her, your happiness,
Speaker 1: your smile, and your feedback matters a lot to David,
Speaker 1: I'm not sure she would know that. I wonder if
Speaker 1: if I called her right now and I said, does
Speaker 1: your happiness, does your feedback? Does your praise matter to David?
Speaker 1: I wonder if she wouldn't say I used to think
Speaker 1: they did, But if they did, he would have made
Speaker 1: these changes a long time ago. What do you think
Speaker 1: of that?
Speaker 4: I think she'll probably say that right when you break
Speaker 4: it down that way, Yeah, I think she will say that.
Speaker 1: My question to you would be, how do you show
Speaker 1: Jay that her smile and her praise and her feedback
Speaker 1: still matters to you? You know what I mean, Like
Speaker 1: it's still the thing that drives me. I might not
Speaker 1: have been myself for a minute. I might have fallen
Speaker 1: off you know, gotten off track for a minute, but
Speaker 1: you still matter to me. How do you show her that?
Speaker 4: I gotta start, you know, pouring myself into her more, like,
Speaker 4: you know, getting that smile back on her face like
Speaker 4: she deserves, Like you know what I'm saying, Yeah, I
Speaker 4: gotta start doing the doing, you know, more than what
Speaker 4: I used to do, you know, you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 4: and just being consistent on certain things, taking the lead
Speaker 4: on a lot of stuff, Like you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 4: I think that's exactly what it is, like, you know,
Speaker 4: because there's been too many times that you know, we
Speaker 4: don't have conversations together, and now it's like how we
Speaker 4: can accomplish so much together, you know, like how strong
Speaker 4: we can be as one instead of separate right, So,
Speaker 4: and she wants to be she she wants me to
Speaker 4: take the lead on a lot of things, right. And
Speaker 4: I think once she starts seeing that and seeing the
Speaker 4: initiative and the consistency of it. So that's the biggest thing,
Speaker 4: the consistency of it, not just doing it for a
Speaker 4: day or a week, constantly keep doing it right now,
Speaker 4: to habit so it's not even worrying about it no more.
Speaker 4: And then then you pick up on another one and
Speaker 4: you just keep doing it. Now is just a routine,
Speaker 4: It's part of life. That's what she needs to see,
Speaker 4: and that's what's gonna get them smiles back on her
Speaker 4: face and stuff like that, right, you know, doing the
Speaker 4: little things right. She's she's not the woman that I'm
Speaker 4: not saying that she doesn't like diamonds and jewelry and
Speaker 4: stuff like that though, but like you know, she like
Speaker 4: little things that means. Stuff like that's meaningful. That's what's
Speaker 4: gonna help build a relationship stronger, get it back to
Speaker 4: where it was at things like that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you said something earlier about the kids, which I
Speaker 1: completely agree. I mean, they're what'd you say? Five and two?
Speaker 1: I think what difference would it make to their lives
Speaker 1: to have mom and dad behaving in the way you're describing.
Speaker 4: Stuff I've seen at my son's age, he will never
Speaker 4: see nothing like that, right, So I thank him by
Speaker 4: him seeing that and seeing his mom and dad like,
Speaker 4: you know, happy and smiling and seeing dad doing certain things.
Speaker 4: It's just gonna, you know, as he gets older and
Speaker 4: he's just gonna see like, this is how a man
Speaker 4: leaves the family, This is how my dad treats my mom,
Speaker 4: you know. And I think that's gonna help him, you know,
Speaker 4: as he gets older, when he gets into a relationship
Speaker 4: and his responsibilities, right, because if you start seeing that
Speaker 4: now right as a young man, not in no serious
Speaker 4: relationship or anything like that, and you know, like all right,
Speaker 4: you got all you're how to handle certain things, you're
Speaker 4: willing to talk, right, you're not just all you know,
Speaker 4: whah on everything. I think that's gonna help him more
Speaker 4: in a relationship because he's gonna have some of that
Speaker 4: going into a relationship. So when you don't have when
Speaker 4: you don't have that or didn't see that, and you
Speaker 4: are learning on a fly from just you know, past
Speaker 4: relationships or being in different situations, and it's a little harder, right,
Speaker 4: it's a lot harder to get things in order. So
Speaker 4: I think once you once he's seeing things in order
Speaker 4: at an early age, it's gonna help him more. With
Speaker 4: both of my boys, right, and even my daughter. She
Speaker 4: doesn't live with me though, but even with my daughter,
Speaker 4: like when she comes busy, it's gonna help her too
Speaker 4: because she still she's a young she's a young lady.
Speaker 4: She's older, she's sixteen though, but it's definitely gonna help
Speaker 4: her too as well.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, it's interesting you're highlighting something and I
Speaker 1: don't even know if you realize your highlighting this. But
Speaker 1: not only would you be with the children grow up
Speaker 1: not seeing the things that that you saw, correct, if
Speaker 1: they would grow up not seeing the things that you saw,
Speaker 1: So not only that, but they would also grow up
Speaker 1: seeing things you didn't see. Yeah, and that would impact
Speaker 1: how they conduct themselves in future relationships. What difference does
Speaker 1: that make to you as a father?
Speaker 4: That's a major difference. Having my boys raised that way
Speaker 4: and seeing that positive It just changes the game and
Speaker 4: changes the narrative of their story and how their story
Speaker 4: could be right, right, just like that, because I have
Speaker 4: friends that grew up that way, and I hung out
Speaker 4: with these guys, right, you could. You could tell the
Speaker 4: little difference between the ones that did and the ones
Speaker 4: that didn't. You can see it. You can see it, right.
Speaker 4: And when you look back and you look at it now,
Speaker 4: you know we're all grown, you be like, yeah, that's
Speaker 4: what it was, a little bit, that's what it was.
Speaker 4: He wasn't corny or nothing like that. You know, and
Speaker 4: been married for twenty some years now. And you know,
Speaker 4: because we as men, we think it's wrong because you
Speaker 4: just want to be with one girl or you know,
Speaker 4: you're not jumping around from lady to lady and things
Speaker 4: like that. You know, I've been to college and all that.
Speaker 4: So when you look back at it now, you're like, whoa, Okay,
Speaker 4: maybe that's what it was. Oh he's been He grew
Speaker 4: up with seeing commitment, seeing his father, loving his mother,
Speaker 4: taking care of the house, you know, being the man
Speaker 4: of the house, things of that nature. So all right,
Speaker 4: so this is some of the results of some of
Speaker 4: the things that happen. I'm not saying it's like that
Speaker 4: across the board, but I feel like that plays a
Speaker 4: major part into the decisions that us as young boys
Speaker 4: when we become men. That we meet. I think that
Speaker 4: plays a big part. Absolutely.
Speaker 1: Okay, So I want to ask you a question, but
Speaker 1: I got to explain why I'm asking it. I've worked
Speaker 1: with a lot of professional athletes and a lot of
Speaker 1: times they will say to me, and usually when I
Speaker 1: see them is when they've retired and they have a
Speaker 1: hard time like adjusting to being a regular person versus
Speaker 1: an athlete. Again, And remember talking to a guy and
Speaker 1: he told me that he felt like a sense of
Speaker 1: like like a warrior, like a like a like he
Speaker 1: felt like he was like a like a dominant creature
Speaker 1: when he was playing football and it did something to
Speaker 1: his personality and a positive He felt indestructible, He felt
Speaker 1: good about himself. Does that resonate with you?
Speaker 4: You know what I'm talking about? What you talking about?
Speaker 1: And this one guy you made me think about him
Speaker 1: because he said when he rediscovered how to be a man,
Speaker 1: because he came from a very broken environment too, he said,
Speaker 1: he started to look himself in the mirror kind of
Speaker 1: like indestructible. Again, So I was thinking about that as
Speaker 1: you were talking, like, how would you feel about yourself
Speaker 1: as you accomplish these things daily and you break this
Speaker 1: pattern and show your boys something different, and and you
Speaker 1: start getting this wonderful feedback. How would you start feeling
Speaker 1: about David? What would David start thinking about David.
Speaker 4: I think over the last few years, I've just been
Speaker 4: letting the adversity just can take in consuming me and
Speaker 4: then trying to, you know, not deal with it. Go left,
Speaker 4: go right, But when you come back to the middle,
Speaker 4: is still there. Yeah, So it would definitely feel like,
Speaker 4: you know, I'm like, all I got through that bone,
Speaker 4: that's out the way, that's out the way. I ain't
Speaker 4: worrying about that anymore, knocking that down. Let's keep going,
Speaker 4: you know. I think that's gonna have me feeling, like
Speaker 4: you said, like undestructible, like so like the warrior that
Speaker 4: I am again. Yeah, you know, and whatever whatever comes
Speaker 4: to my table or on my lap, whatever little adversity
Speaker 4: that comes, you know, I gotta, you know, just keep
Speaker 4: on going. I have to do this because I can't
Speaker 4: install listening to my son's if I can't do it
Speaker 4: myself right. And I know what I did before, so
Speaker 4: I gotta get it back so my boys can know
Speaker 4: when the little adversity hits, don't worry about it. Man,
Speaker 4: Like we're gonna handle it right. Now. We're gonna handle
Speaker 4: it together. Even when you start getting knowling it, Daddy's
Speaker 4: still here. We're gonna handle it together, right. And then
Speaker 4: at some point in time you got to handle it right.
Speaker 4: But I got to give you some of the knowledge
Speaker 4: on how to handle it, and then some of your
Speaker 4: experience is gonna help you handle it your weight the
Speaker 4: way that you want to handle it too. So I
Speaker 4: think that's the key. That's the key, all right.
Speaker 1: I know you gotta go back to work, so I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna keep you too much longer. But can I
Speaker 1: ask you to do something please?
Speaker 4: What is it? Sure?
Speaker 1: So, David, I want you to do exactly what you
Speaker 1: just said, like do all the little things, do them daily,
Speaker 1: because I think you're absolutely right, Like she needs to
Speaker 1: see this happening daily to have an impact. Yes, But
Speaker 1: the other thing I want you to do, I want
Speaker 1: you to pay attention to the boys and Jay. Now,
Speaker 1: none of them may just come out and say, you know,
Speaker 1: hey Dad, I see it, or hey David, I see it,
Speaker 1: but they're gonna do things that give you a clue
Speaker 1: that they see it. Their moods will change, their energy
Speaker 1: will change. Like you said, Jaye didn't wake up negative like,
Speaker 1: I want you to notice the smallest clues possible that
Speaker 1: they're noticing what you're doing. Does that make sense, okay?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: And then I also want you to notice you. I
Speaker 1: want you to notice the difference it is making to
Speaker 1: David to be pouring himself into his family.
Speaker 4: Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: It was incredibly touching, David to listen to you talk
Speaker 1: about the impact you want to have on your boys. Yeah, man, David,
Speaker 1: I know you're really busy in the middle of your workday. Man,
Speaker 1: but I really appreciate you taking some time to chat. Man.
Speaker 1: I really enjoy chatting with you.
Speaker 4: Yeah, me too, Me too. No worries, man, no worries,
Speaker 4: no matter, I ain't listening the session session.
Speaker 1: Session say, David is learning that small obstacles, when you
Speaker 1: focus on them, can block you from making positive change
Speaker 1: in your life. So part of this journey is to
Speaker 1: help David focus on things other than the obstacles, such
Speaker 1: as who he used to be in the past as
Speaker 1: he accomplished amazing things. I think the best way that
Speaker 1: I could say how clients and people should feel about
Speaker 1: change is to understand it's always happening. I think we
Speaker 1: get focused on the outcome and not focus on change itself.
Speaker 1: It's nearly impossible to stay the same. So if you
Speaker 1: just shift your focus to what is changing, and specifically
Speaker 1: what about those changes are you pleased with, then you
Speaker 1: make change inevitable and you stay hopeful about the process
Speaker 1: of change change. This is not just a podcast that
Speaker 1: I want you to consume and be entertained by. I
Speaker 1: actually want you to be inspired. I want you to
Speaker 1: be impacted by this, and in fact, we can't help
Speaker 1: but be impacted by the content we consume. So what
Speaker 1: I would like for you to do is come on
Speaker 1: this healing journey with us. Come on this journey of
Speaker 1: change rediscovery with us. And the way to do that
Speaker 1: is to just pay attention to the things going on
Speaker 1: in your life as a consequence of listening to this podcast.
Speaker 1: Pay attention to things in your life shifting in a
Speaker 1: more desirable way. Pay attention to your desirable outcome becoming
Speaker 1: your reality. Pay attention to evidence of your success, your resilience,
Speaker 1: and your strength. And let us know in the comments
Speaker 1: what you're noticing in your life as a result of
Speaker 1: listening to this podcast and as a result of paying
Speaker 1: attention to these things I would love to hear from
Speaker 1: you about your healing journey, your family, and your feedback.
Speaker 1: Leave a review, send a DM, connect with me on
Speaker 1: socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also send me
Speaker 1: a text message to nine seven two four two six
Speaker 1: two six four zero. Family Therapy is a production of
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network special thanks to
Speaker 1: our assistant Glendale Sepe. It's produced by Jack Queis Thomas
Speaker 1: and the executive producer Dolly s. Fisham. For more podcasts
Speaker 1: from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio app or wherever
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Speaker 1: the Family Therapy podcast serves solely for educational and informational purposes.
Speaker 1: It should not be considered a replacement for personalized medical
Speaker 1: or mental health guidance and does not constitute a provider
Speaker 1: patient relationship. It is advisable to consult with your healthcare
Speaker 1: provider or health team or any specific concerns or questions
Speaker 1: you may have.