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Speaker 1: I think if you're going to create self care in

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Speaker 1: your life, it needs to be continuous. The biggest mistake

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Speaker 1: we make is it's like I've got this stressful life,

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Speaker 1: and self care is akin to taking a vacation from

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Speaker 1: that stressful life. Do the things that make you feel

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Speaker 1: good about life daily. The reason why we struggle with

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Speaker 1: our mental health is because we put ourselves last, and

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Speaker 1: we deal with everything and everybody else until we're truly

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Speaker 1: genuinely drained and burnt out, and then we take a

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Speaker 1: trip to Disneyland to try to recuperate. Make sure that

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Speaker 1: the things you enjoy are continuously available in your life,

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Speaker 1: even if they're in small doses, they'll still make a

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Speaker 1: massive impact. Welcome back to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliakhani.

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Speaker 1: What's been better in your life since you listen to

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Speaker 1: the previous episode. This is not just any podcast. This

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Speaker 1: is a podcast to inspire healing in your life. So

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Speaker 1: please get used to that question because I want you

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Speaker 1: focusing on what's been better in your life as a

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Speaker 1: result of listening to this healing journey. And I'm going

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Speaker 1: to ask you that question constantly to help you shift

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Speaker 1: your focus. Every week, I learned something else about Jay

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Speaker 1: that blows me away, that genuinely impresses me. But it's

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Speaker 1: important that Jay be able to recognize these things in

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Speaker 1: herself and give herself credit for her amazing attributes. Once

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Speaker 1: she does this, her ability to create change will increase. Jane,

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Speaker 1: how are you? And I'm doing well? So what's been

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Speaker 1: better since we last met?

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Speaker 2: That's been better? Relly Garry? Things pretty much the.

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Speaker 1: Same, Okay, So I can ask you a weird question

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Speaker 1: like how can you tell it's the same? Like what

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Speaker 1: is happening that tells you things are the same.

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Speaker 2: I mean I felt the same as I did last

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Speaker 2: time we talked. I've definitely thought about what we talked

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Speaker 2: about a lot, but I don't know that there's been

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Speaker 2: any change in my activities. Yeah, I mean pretty much

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Speaker 2: still doing the same thing.

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Speaker 1: Uh, what what things did you think about?

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Speaker 2: Just like when you were asking me, like what is

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Speaker 2: my what is the ideal version of Jay looks like?

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Speaker 2: And how do I know that I'm reaching towards that

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Speaker 2: that that perspective? I guess I've thought about it. I've

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Speaker 2: thought about, you know, waking up in the morning, working

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Speaker 2: out and praying more and doing all those things. But

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Speaker 2: it did it actually happened right?

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Speaker 1: Right? And you said you thought about it a lot, Like,

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Speaker 1: how would you quantify a lot?

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Speaker 2: Well, I mean, I mean I thought about it. I

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Speaker 2: don't know if a lot is the right term, but

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Speaker 2: I thought about what we talked about more than I've

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Speaker 2: thought about those things previous to our conversation.

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Speaker 1: Right, And even though like you still were doing the

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Speaker 1: same things you just thought about it, were there any

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Speaker 1: times where you felt even a little bit more like

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Speaker 1: the jay you wanted to be? You know, like, did

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Speaker 1: you did you catch yourself at any moments feeling a

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Speaker 1: little bit more like that that version of Jalen?

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Speaker 2: I guess, I guess so, I guess there was moments

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Speaker 2: where I told myself to be more present in the

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Speaker 2: moment and allowed myself to be that yeh wow. Like

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Speaker 2: I went and took my son for a walk, well

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Speaker 2: not for a walk, but I was walked him to

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Speaker 2: daycare versus driving, okay, and I felt and enduring that walk.

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Speaker 2: I felt like, okay, like I'm present in this moment.

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Speaker 2: I'm filling the breeze, I'm enjoying the walk, I'm looking

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Speaker 2: at the scenery, you know, I'm checking on him and

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Speaker 2: seeing what he's doing, so I felt present in that moment.

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Speaker 1: How unusual is it for you to walk instead of drive?

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Speaker 2: I started walking over the summer, trying to like force

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Speaker 2: myself to walk versus driving. So that was something that

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Speaker 2: I did start, but when the weather changed, I stopped

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Speaker 2: so But even though the weather wasn't that great, I

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Speaker 2: still walked him to twice this past week.

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Speaker 1: What led to the decision that this would be a

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Speaker 1: time when you would walk even though the weather wasn't

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Speaker 1: super ideal.

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Speaker 2: I don't know. I just told myself to get off

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Speaker 2: my ass and walk. I'm not sure.

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Speaker 1: And how much like the old Gene is that to

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Speaker 1: just like, you know, get off your ass and do something.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's definitely more the old Jay for sure. But honestly,

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Speaker 2: like it's it is part of my personality to be

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Speaker 2: like that in general. Like even now, it's just I

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Speaker 2: guess sometimes I just more now than I have in

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Speaker 2: the past, I let myself kind of get in my

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Speaker 2: own way and like hume up with excuses. But you know,

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Speaker 2: there's definitely aspects of that in my present day too.

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Speaker 2: I just you know, keep allowing the negative thoughts, I

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Speaker 2: guess to kind of stop me from doing things as

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Speaker 2: much as I used to.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean that too. It's amazing to discover, even

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Speaker 1: to hear you talk about, even in the current environment

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Speaker 1: with some of the netive thoughts, the old Jane was

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Speaker 1: never really totally gone, you know. Some aspects of her

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Speaker 1: are still there.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, definitely. Yeah, but it kind of manifests more and

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Speaker 2: probably like projects that I take on versus the things

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Speaker 2: that I do for myself. So I'm just trying to,

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Speaker 2: you know, apply it to taking care of me too.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it makes sense. And do you enjoy being the

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Speaker 1: type of mom walking to daycare with her happy baby

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Speaker 1: because you're being a little bit more present?

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Speaker 2: Yes, I do, especially because I well, I mean this

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Speaker 2: is not really relevant, but there's another mom that takes

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Speaker 2: her kids to the same daycare and she's always so

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Speaker 2: freaking angry mm mmm, like sh Like I sometimes I

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Speaker 2: just hope that she sees that I'm like happy, because

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Speaker 2: maybe it might rubble off on her. How come because

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Speaker 2: children are so precious, Like why would you want to

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Speaker 2: be you know, so mean towards them, you know, And

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Speaker 2: she's she just seems so so angry, so mean, and

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Speaker 2: who the hell wants to spend their day like that, Like, damn,

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Speaker 2: I just want to give her a hug, Like, girl,

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Speaker 2: it's gonna be all.

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Speaker 1: Right, Jamine, I completely agree. Yeah, prior to you and

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Speaker 1: this woman going to the same daycare, did you know her? No, Jayleen,

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Speaker 1: I want to ask you a very unusual question, is that, Okay, sure,

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Speaker 1: why would you care? This is a complete and total stranger.

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Speaker 1: You don't know her, never matter. Before you guys started

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Speaker 1: going to the same daycare, you observe her being angry

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Speaker 1: all the time and mean and and this and that.

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Speaker 1: And by the way, I completely agree with you. That

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Speaker 1: is not a great way to live your dad. When

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Speaker 1: you were saying that, I was like, yeah, it's totally true.

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Speaker 1: But like, why why does Jaylen care? What is it

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Speaker 1: about Jaylen that makes your care about the daily experience

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Speaker 1: of this woman and her children?

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Speaker 2: I mean, because we're a community. I care about other people,

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Speaker 2: and I certainly care about vulnerable populations, and children are

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Speaker 2: the most vulnerable in our elders as well. Like I

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Speaker 2: don't No one is deserving of being around negative energy

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Speaker 2: all the time, you know, particularly babies. So I just

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Speaker 2: I just think it's like, right, you know what I mean, Like,

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Speaker 2: I just I just don't like it.

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Speaker 1: I don't like it, by the way, Like everything you're

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Speaker 1: saying it's like resonating in my spirit, Like I love

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Speaker 1: that you're saying these things and that's important you and

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Speaker 1: and that's that's true for you, Like keep using this

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Speaker 1: phrase until you tell me to stop. But that's that's

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Speaker 1: cool for you as the old Jalen and who you

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Speaker 1: are currently right right, Okay, Jalen, can you think of

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Speaker 1: another time in this past week when you felt more present,

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Speaker 1: more like yourself? Not really no, so that was the

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Speaker 1: biggest standout time? Yeah, okay, how would you notice more

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Speaker 1: of Jalen Jalen coming back? Like what would be assigned

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Speaker 1: to you as you go about another week that would

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Speaker 1: tell you, like, all right, more of me is showing,

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Speaker 1: Like it doesn't come on like a light switch, like oh,

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Speaker 1: all of a sudden, you know, but it was just

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Speaker 1: like gradually coming more back. Like what would be assigned

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Speaker 1: to you that it was coming coming back?

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Speaker 2: Mm hmmm, probably be. I would probably be more productive

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Speaker 2: like during the day. I don't know, it's weird because

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Speaker 2: it's like I feel like I was more like am

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Speaker 2: like just more productive, Like I would get shit done,

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Speaker 2: I would take care of my business. I would do

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Speaker 2: what I needed to do, and I felt more like

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Speaker 2: just you know, clear on what my task were for

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Speaker 2: today and actually execute. Now nowadays, I feel like I

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Speaker 2: do get things done, like I'm not a slacker, well

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Speaker 2: in a sense that like I'm a slacker in my

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Speaker 2: mind because I feel like, Okay, you give like sixty

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Speaker 2: percent of yourself if that to the projects that you

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Speaker 2: need to work on. If you gave more like eighty

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Speaker 2: or ninety, then you would be even more ahead of

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Speaker 2: the game. But then when I compare myself to other people,

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Speaker 2: it's like, and I know you're not supposed to compare,

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Speaker 2: but I know it's like, but it's like, damn you

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Speaker 2: still like you still got you know, your properties, and

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Speaker 2: you still started. I'm part of an investment group and

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Speaker 2: we just recently bought a laundromat. You're still doing that. Wow,

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Speaker 2: you know you still like go to work every day

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Speaker 2: and your kids are still taking care of Like, like

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Speaker 2: I see all of those things, but I also feel

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Speaker 2: like I also spend a lot of time doing absolutely nothing.

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Speaker 3: Like like playing on my phone or scrolling and so yeah,

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Speaker 3: so that's the kind of the things I kind of

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Speaker 3: struggle with like, are you as productive as you could be?

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Speaker 1: And you feel like the old J would be more productive?

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Speaker 1: Is that right?

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Can I tell you the thing you said a minute

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Speaker 1: ago that I really like? You said something I really

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Speaker 1: like and I want to ask you about it. You said,

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Speaker 1: right now, you're functioning at about sixty percent, right, and

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Speaker 1: then you said, if I can get to eighty or

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Speaker 1: nine ninety percent, it would be you know, so much better.

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Speaker 1: And I love that you didn't say one hundred percent,

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Speaker 1: because no one is at one hundred percent, right, Like

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Speaker 1: that's just not real, right, Like everyone scrolls every now

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Speaker 1: and then, and everyone wastes a little bit of time

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Speaker 1: on you know, Netflix or you know whatever it is, right,

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Speaker 1: So I love that you would say that. So how

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Speaker 1: would you notice that that percentage was going higher and

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Speaker 1: getting closer to that eighty or ninety percent?

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Speaker 2: I guess, I mean, I guess I just would be

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Speaker 2: spending more time working on the things that I need

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Speaker 2: to work on versus being on my phone.

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Speaker 1: Okay, Like, what what would be the what would be

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Speaker 1: the type of thing that I'm focusing on what I

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Speaker 1: need to work on. I'm still going to be on

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Speaker 1: my phone because I'm not one hundred percent, because no

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Speaker 1: one is right. But I'm just working on the things

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Speaker 1: I need to work on with a little bit more

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Speaker 1: focus or attention or you know what I mean, or

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Speaker 1: or a little bit that percentage just a little bit higher.

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Speaker 2: How would you notice My personality is like if I

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Speaker 2: see something needs to be done, I do it and

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Speaker 2: then I kind of stop. So but in that stopping,

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Speaker 2: it's like, well, what else needs to take place? And having,

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Speaker 2: you know, taken a moment to kind of dig a

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Speaker 2: little deeper and not just address the things that are

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Speaker 2: on the surface that are clear that need to be done,

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Speaker 2: I would spend a little more time saying okay, like

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Speaker 2: let me really really understand what we're doing and identify

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Speaker 2: some of the holes.

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Speaker 1: So wow, And would you be pleased with yourself if

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Speaker 1: you caught yourself doing that, like just paying more attention

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Speaker 1: than laundromat beyond the surface things that you just kind

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Speaker 1: of have to do and start figuring out ways to

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Speaker 1: get more clientele into the laundrobat and finding flaws or whatever.

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Speaker 1: Would you be pleased to catch yourself doing that?

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Speaker 2: Yes?

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Speaker 1: How would the other people in the investment group know

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Speaker 1: that they're now partnering with this kind of a Jaylen,

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Speaker 1: How would they know that?

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Speaker 2: So it's hard to say because if I took it

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Speaker 2: to another level, I don't know that they would, Like

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Speaker 2: they don't notice the things that I feel like I

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Speaker 2: could do more. I don't know that they realize it

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Speaker 2: because they don't really see the weaknesses in my approach

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Speaker 2: the way I see it. So they're like, Oh, she's great,

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Speaker 2: she's doing great, you know, like we know we can

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Speaker 2: count on her, she knows how to get stuff done,

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Speaker 2: blah blah blah. But me sitting back, like, I noticed

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Speaker 2: where I could be you know, where I can improve.

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Speaker 1: You know, it's interesting, Jalen, because you know what I'm

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Speaker 1: learning as you talk.

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Speaker 2: What's that?

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Speaker 1: It sounds like the old versus the current Jane. The

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Speaker 1: current Jane is actually still pretty awesome. Like if I

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Speaker 1: called your your investment group and I said, tell me

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Speaker 1: about jan and they wouldn't say, oh, she's asleep at

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Speaker 1: the wheels, she's she's not dependable, She's like, they wouldn't

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Speaker 1: say those things. But this shift you're talking about, it's

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Speaker 1: like an internal shift, right that it might not be

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Speaker 1: outwardly huge, but to you would be massively huge. Right,

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Speaker 1: Is that right, Am I picking this up? Okay, yes,

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Speaker 1: so maybe I should ask what else would you notice

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Speaker 1: as this internal shift happens you pay more attention to

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Speaker 1: the laundry mat that percentage of how much focus would

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Speaker 1: go up from sixty percent closer to eighty to ninety percent.

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Speaker 1: What else would you.

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Speaker 2: Notice that I'm taking more care of myself physically and spiritually?

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Speaker 2: I don't. It's like I know how to get stuff done,

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Speaker 2: but it's taking care of me that I feel like

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Speaker 2: it's lacking. It's like, yeah, I worked out when I

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Speaker 2: was pregnant, but then as soon as I had the baby,

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Speaker 2: I stopped working out. You know what I mean? Because

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Speaker 2: I was working out, Like I tend to do a

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Speaker 2: lot of things because I need to do them for

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Speaker 2: someone else, but I don't really do a lot of

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Speaker 2: stuff just for me.

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Speaker 1: Gotcha that makes sense?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, So I guess that's what I'm struggling with. So

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Speaker 2: I think it's if I took more time to just

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Speaker 2: focus on me, then I would notice that shift internally.

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Speaker 1: What's the first thing you would notice that you focused

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Speaker 1: on you?

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Speaker 2: That I took like specific time throughout the week for

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Speaker 2: just me doing something that I enjoy. But the challenges

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Speaker 2: that I don't sometimes I don't know what that is.

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Speaker 2: It's like, I know what people say, oh you know

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Speaker 2: self care, go, yeah, you know, go to have a

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Speaker 2: spa day or you know shit like that, and it's like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: I mean that's cool, But is that really the care

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Speaker 2: that I need? Do I need to light a candle

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Speaker 2: and take a bath?

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Speaker 4: Like?

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Speaker 2: I don't know, Like I don't know if that is

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Speaker 2: what self care needs to look like for me, So

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Speaker 2: I don't. I'm trying to. I know, like I like

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Speaker 2: to work out, and I feel that is self care

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Speaker 2: for me. But until I get to a point where

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Speaker 2: I am working out, what else can I be doing?

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Speaker 1: What are the things that you enjoy that would feel

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Speaker 1: to you like you're taking care of yourself if you

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Speaker 1: had done them?

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Speaker 2: Mmmmm, I mean I know that when the weather is different,

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Speaker 2: I really do like to be outdoors and I like

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Speaker 2: to grow stuff.

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Speaker 1: So grow stuff like like what do you mean, I.

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Speaker 2: Mean like plants like a party, like tomatoes and peppers

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Speaker 2: and stuff like that.

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Speaker 1: Oh well, do you have that like on your property

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Speaker 1: like available to you?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? I have the space for it.

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Speaker 1: Wow, Okay, all right.

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Speaker 2: I mean it's not enough space I'm not about to

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Speaker 2: be like at the farmers market selling rights in space

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Speaker 2: to grow you know what I need. But I'm from

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Speaker 2: the family.

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Speaker 1: I am not trying to turn you into a farmer, Jayalen,

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Speaker 1: I promise well, I.

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Speaker 2: Actually would not be against that.

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Speaker 1: Do you think you'd be happy as a farmer? By

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Speaker 1: the way, I do, you know?

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Speaker 2: Oddly enough, I told my sister. I was like, I

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Speaker 2: think I'm gonna try to find a farm that I

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Speaker 2: can volunteer at for a week and see if I

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Speaker 2: like it.

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Speaker 4: What.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm like, I'm such a random person, but I do.

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Speaker 2: I do feel like I really enjoy being outdoors. I

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Speaker 2: like the idea of being close to nature. But I

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Speaker 2: don't know if I would like being a farmer person.

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Speaker 2: So I figure, you know, maybe I can volunteer and

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Speaker 2: figure out if that is something that I truly would like.

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Speaker 2: But the idea of it sounds awesome.

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Speaker 1: I've always been I've always been fascinated like people who

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Speaker 1: who like transform themselves, you know, mm hmm. And sometimes

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Speaker 1: a big transformation like becoming a farmer or kind of

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Speaker 1: like we're talking about here, like sometimes a small transformation,

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Speaker 1: like you know, I'm going to focus more on the

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Speaker 1: laundry bat. But I've always been fascinated by, like the

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Speaker 1: act of doing something different, you know.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, me too.

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Speaker 1: And you said I'm a random person. Did I hear

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Speaker 1: you say that?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? I like. I like random stuff, Like I like spontaneity.

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Speaker 2: I like thinking outside the box. I miss being more spontaneous,

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Speaker 2: like I don't know, I just I like, you know,

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Speaker 2: like life is supposed to be lived, right, Like I.

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Speaker 1: Could not agree with you more.

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Speaker 2: We do the same thing over and over and over,

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Speaker 2: and honestly, that's one of the challenges I have with

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Speaker 2: being a mom, Like I know that it's supposed to

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Speaker 2: be like this miraculous time in my life, and it's

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Speaker 2: so full of love and joy. Yeah, it's that, but

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Speaker 2: it's also like kind of mundane, like how many diapers

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Speaker 2: do you need to change? Bro? Like it's it's so

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Speaker 2: much of the same thing over and over, right, that

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Speaker 2: sometimes I miss the I don't know, I guess I know,

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Speaker 2: like you know, watching my son learn how to talk more,

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Speaker 2: you know, becoming more independent, my oldest son asking me

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Speaker 2: all these silly I ask questions and making me laugh

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Speaker 2: like that is beautiful, it is right, but it also

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Speaker 2: feels very like the same thing over and over.

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Speaker 1: You know, if I said to you, I want you

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Speaker 1: to do one random thing this week, what are you

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Speaker 1: reading you do?

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Speaker 2: M I don't know. I gotta think about that one.

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Speaker 1: Because as you as you talk about this, I start

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Speaker 1: wondering if, what if? What if self care to Jayleen

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Speaker 1: looks like not being a mom for a few minutes,

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Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Or and not that you

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Speaker 1: don't enjoy being a mom, but like, what if self

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Speaker 1: care to Jayleen looks like I'm just gonna do something

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Speaker 1: completely spontaneous and crazy. M M for a second, like

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Speaker 1: I'm just gonna I'm gonna do something off the rhythm?

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Speaker 1: Does Does that make sense?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? No, that's that's interesting.

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Speaker 1: I never thought about it, right, So introducing spontaneity is

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Speaker 1: probably the self care that you need.

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Maybe, hhmm maybe, Jayleen, that's an interesting thought that I

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Speaker 1: didn't think about until I heard you say that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. I think so. You know, we get so caught

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Speaker 2: up in what self care looks like andy to you know,

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Speaker 2: personalize it and really think about what that looks like

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Speaker 2: for the individual based on you know, what they're sharing.

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Speaker 2: I think is good for you. Good job, counselor, that's

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Speaker 2: very insightful.

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Speaker 1: Well, thank you. Maybe self care is once a week,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to do something completely random because I don't

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Speaker 1: like the feeling of routine. So like one week, I'm

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Speaker 1: going to go to the local bar, the next week

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Speaker 1: I'm going to go to a park, and the next

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Speaker 1: week I'm going to try a restaurant that's completely not

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Speaker 1: the kind of place I would normally go, or you know,

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Speaker 1: so on and so on.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I like that.

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Speaker 1: So I kind of want to push you if you'd

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Speaker 1: allow me to, okay, and I want you to pay

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Speaker 1: more attention to how other people might experience you when

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Speaker 1: you're at your best. Then another example is the people

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Speaker 1: in the investment group. Now, you're a pretty awesome person,

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Speaker 1: so I believe you're telling the one hundred in truth.

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Speaker 1: If I called the people in the investment group and

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Speaker 1: I said, tell me about Jay Lenn, they wouldn't say, oh,

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Speaker 1: she's not dependable, we can't count on her. She's you know,

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Speaker 1: not paying attention. They wouldn't say that. But I'll bet

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Speaker 1: you if you were on the ball and you started

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Speaker 1: noticing things and you started getting more clients to go in,

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Speaker 1: they would still notice the transformation, you know, like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: sometimes we think people only notice the transformation if they

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Speaker 1: notice the problem, and that's not actually true. That's not

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Speaker 1: actually true. I don't have to know the problem in

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Speaker 1: order to see the growth, right, So I want to

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Speaker 1: I want to challenge you to notice how other people

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Speaker 1: notice you, you know, even if they don't say anything,

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Speaker 1: because they might not say anything. Your one and a

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Speaker 1: half year old certainly wouldn't say anything, but your one

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Speaker 1: and a half year old would absolutely notice, because that

404
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Speaker 1: little guy is just doing nothing but studying his mom

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Speaker 1: all day.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 1: And then the last thing I want to point out

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Speaker 1: to you is, I think my favorite thing I learned

409
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Speaker 1: about you today actually have two favorite things I learned

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Speaker 1: about you. The first one is that you curse. I

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Speaker 1: don't think you cursed once in our first session, but

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Speaker 1: I love that you cursed today because I want you

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Speaker 1: to be yourself. The other thing I learned was that

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Speaker 1: you care about a random stranger who seems to be

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Speaker 1: being mean and not having great days, and you care

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Speaker 1: enough that you want you want to be a model

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Speaker 1: for her so she can see you don't have to

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Speaker 1: be that way. Did I catch that right?

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Speaker 2: Yes? I also want to punchure on her face, but

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Speaker 2: I'm not going to do that.

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Speaker 1: It's okay to be both. That says a lot about

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Speaker 1: you that you see this and you like even for

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Speaker 1: her children's sake, like you want her to be better.

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Speaker 1: If I could use that phrase like, that says a

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Speaker 1: lot about you and who you are. So I just

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Speaker 1: want you to be aware. I want you to notice,

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Speaker 1: you know. I almost want you to like live your

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Speaker 1: life remembering that people are watching watching you, and people

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Speaker 1: that matter, like your children or even a random stranger

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Speaker 1: like the daycare worker may not say you look like

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Speaker 1: you're having a great day or whatever, but I would

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Speaker 1: bet you they would notice, because those things tend to

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Speaker 1: be noticeable, you know.

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Speaker 2: Mm hmm, all right.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I think a lot of times I go through life

437
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Speaker 2: feeling like no one's paying me any attention. So I

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Speaker 2: can certainly start thinking about that more and more conscious

439
00:26:01,359 --> 00:26:01,920
Speaker 2: of it.

440
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:06,119
Speaker 1: You know, Jayleen, everybody's paying attention, ma'am. They might not

441
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:08,840
Speaker 1: say anything, but they can all see it.

442
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:12,000
Speaker 2: I think part of that is just the relationship that

443
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:15,159
Speaker 2: I meant. Sometimes I feel like this guy is not

444
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:17,320
Speaker 2: paying me any attention, so.

445
00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:19,640
Speaker 1: Even him.

446
00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:23,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you're right.

447
00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:26,360
Speaker 1: So how do we do today, Jay?

448
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:27,840
Speaker 2: We did good.

449
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:32,440
Speaker 1: The reason why it's easier to focus on others rather

450
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:36,920
Speaker 1: than ourselves is because focusing on ourselves makes us uncomfortable,

451
00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:41,600
Speaker 1: and the distraction becomes focusing on others, whether that's taking

452
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:45,800
Speaker 1: care of your partner, raising children, things you do at work,

453
00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:51,240
Speaker 1: internal work and an internal focus makes us very uncomfortable,

454
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:55,679
Speaker 1: and the process of looking outward is just easier and

455
00:26:55,920 --> 00:27:00,040
Speaker 1: also becomes a distraction because the responses are immediate. So

456
00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:02,160
Speaker 1: if I focus on my children, then I feel better

457
00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:04,840
Speaker 1: as a mom or a dad. But when I look

458
00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:08,480
Speaker 1: at myself, it's often a slow journey that requires some uncomfort,

459
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:11,920
Speaker 1: and people want to be comfortable. That's actually what makes

460
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,520
Speaker 1: change hard for all of us is we get used

461
00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:18,760
Speaker 1: to our current environment, regardless of how negative or positive

462
00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:23,480
Speaker 1: it is. So asking someone to change is inherently asking

463
00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:25,680
Speaker 1: people to get used to a new reality, which makes

464
00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:40,040
Speaker 1: us uncomfortable. From this conversation with David, it's clear that

465
00:27:40,119 --> 00:27:42,919
Speaker 1: he is starting to realize that small changes can have

466
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:45,920
Speaker 1: a massive impact. And even though it has just started,

467
00:27:46,119 --> 00:27:49,119
Speaker 1: as he has already implemented some of these small changes

468
00:27:49,119 --> 00:27:57,280
Speaker 1: in his life, he's already experiencing positive change. So, David,

469
00:27:57,280 --> 00:27:59,040
Speaker 1: what's been better since we last talked?

470
00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:06,520
Speaker 4: Uh, work, little stuff? It's been It's been good, man,

471
00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:10,720
Speaker 4: it's been good. You know. I took into consider I

472
00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:14,320
Speaker 4: really took what you told me. And you know, every

473
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:17,919
Speaker 4: day it's made small steps into that. So my morning

474
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:23,320
Speaker 4: routine changed. Get out of bed, I say my prayers

475
00:28:23,359 --> 00:28:27,639
Speaker 4: and I just say like, okay, mom, sis, even if

476
00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:29,360
Speaker 4: I throw my dad in it too. I know y'all

477
00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:31,520
Speaker 4: looking over me. I know y'all watching me. I know

478
00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:33,719
Speaker 4: y'all support me is trying to get to it, and

479
00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:37,119
Speaker 4: you know, just say my blessing and I get up

480
00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:40,240
Speaker 4: and I attack my day and and I know we

481
00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:44,160
Speaker 4: had our session on Friday, I believe it was last week.

482
00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:47,760
Speaker 4: And my first day back to work was Saturday. And

483
00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:50,320
Speaker 4: it was a rock star day too, So I just

484
00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:54,240
Speaker 4: felt good. The energy was different. The energy was definitely different.

485
00:28:54,840 --> 00:28:55,520
Speaker 1: How could you tell?

486
00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:02,240
Speaker 4: So my reaction too, because I was in a different location,

487
00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:05,040
Speaker 4: that's one. So I took it with a grain of salt,

488
00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:07,280
Speaker 4: like I was like, listen, man, it's out of my control.

489
00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:09,000
Speaker 4: I gotta do what I gotta do, Like I don't

490
00:29:09,040 --> 00:29:12,160
Speaker 4: own the company. So I took it like that and

491
00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:15,640
Speaker 4: this my interaction with just people and this little situations

492
00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:17,760
Speaker 4: I was coming up even at home, like I just

493
00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:22,480
Speaker 4: took it like okay, like not like being a pushover

494
00:29:22,560 --> 00:29:25,840
Speaker 4: or anything, but just saying like all right, this would

495
00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:27,800
Speaker 4: need to be done. I was just a little bit

496
00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:32,280
Speaker 4: more proactive on certain things than what I was before.

497
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:35,840
Speaker 4: So I felt like it's moving in a good direction

498
00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:39,160
Speaker 4: and I just you know, just trying to get better

499
00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:41,320
Speaker 4: at it every day, one step at a time.

500
00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:44,480
Speaker 1: Man. I loved it. And you said Saturday was a

501
00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:46,840
Speaker 1: rock star day? What made it a rock star day?

502
00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:48,960
Speaker 4: As soon as I walked in there, it was just

503
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:52,200
Speaker 4: like I was on fire. Like every person I came in,

504
00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:54,000
Speaker 4: I was closing them. But now I had a big

505
00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:56,720
Speaker 4: day Monday because I was off Sunday because it was closed.

506
00:29:57,080 --> 00:30:01,360
Speaker 4: So I had two big days and it was and

507
00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:04,480
Speaker 4: I was like, all right, that's good. So now it's like,

508
00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:07,280
Speaker 4: you know, just continue to keep piling on to what

509
00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:08,360
Speaker 4: I have already going on.

510
00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:15,760
Speaker 1: Man. I love that. And as your energy changed, who noticed?

511
00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:18,320
Speaker 1: Tell me who noticed there was something different about David?

512
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:29,000
Speaker 4: Oh? David noticed? I noticed, Yeah, And that's I think

513
00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:32,520
Speaker 4: that's the key. Like I got to notice it first.

514
00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:33,640
Speaker 1: I love that, bro.

515
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:39,440
Speaker 4: I don't know, like my coworkers or anything notice anything

516
00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:42,080
Speaker 4: like that because I'm pretty much in like good spirits

517
00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:45,400
Speaker 4: or whatever the case may be. But that was it

518
00:30:45,440 --> 00:30:48,320
Speaker 4: because I was a little under the weather too at home.

519
00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:51,520
Speaker 4: But I bounced out of that quick, like I maybound

520
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:54,280
Speaker 4: down for like a day if that, and then I

521
00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:56,680
Speaker 4: just bounced out of that. So I don't really know

522
00:30:56,720 --> 00:31:00,000
Speaker 4: if like family noticed or my son's they too young,

523
00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:04,040
Speaker 4: they five, and me too, so they always wanted to

524
00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:07,040
Speaker 4: see happy dad. And they either know happy dad or

525
00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:10,920
Speaker 4: sad dad. That's it. There's no in between. Dad, and

526
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:14,480
Speaker 4: you know, that was it. Really. I didn't ask Jade anything.

527
00:31:14,560 --> 00:31:17,040
Speaker 4: She didn't mention anything to me, No, But I noticed it.

528
00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:18,720
Speaker 4: So how did you?

529
00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:22,440
Speaker 1: How else did you notice it?

530
00:31:22,560 --> 00:31:28,000
Speaker 4: Besides from performance? I just I just felt different. I

531
00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:30,600
Speaker 4: just felt different, Like it was just a different like

532
00:31:32,520 --> 00:31:35,760
Speaker 4: NYG inside me. I just felt different. I think that's

533
00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:38,280
Speaker 4: what it was. I just felt different, you know. And

534
00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:44,000
Speaker 4: I felt myself not getting upset. That's one thing I noticed,

535
00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:49,240
Speaker 4: Like I felt myself not getting upset at little things

536
00:31:49,680 --> 00:31:53,360
Speaker 4: and just taking it as it is, like all right,

537
00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:55,160
Speaker 4: I just take care of it, don't you worry? About it.

538
00:31:55,640 --> 00:32:03,600
Speaker 4: But I think that's how I noticed it.

539
00:31:58,200 --> 00:32:12,000
Speaker 1: M what happened. Instead of you getting upset.

540
00:32:09,520 --> 00:32:15,520
Speaker 4: I took a second, were more than a second process

541
00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:19,520
Speaker 4: what I wanted to say, right, took a couple of

542
00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:23,320
Speaker 4: deep breasts and then relay the message or just like

543
00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:25,560
Speaker 4: all right, that's okay, don't even worry about it. You know,

544
00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:28,840
Speaker 4: I think I got it like something like that, you know,

545
00:32:29,120 --> 00:32:32,280
Speaker 4: or don't say nothing and just did it, like you know.

546
00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:35,000
Speaker 4: I think it was one day I came home, I'm like, oh,

547
00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:41,800
Speaker 4: I'm hungry, I gotta make me something to eat, and

548
00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:44,280
Speaker 4: the kitchen need to be cleaned up. So I was like,

549
00:32:44,320 --> 00:32:47,040
Speaker 4: you know what, I'm gonna clean up a little bit

550
00:32:47,080 --> 00:32:50,320
Speaker 4: real quick, making something to eat, sit down, eat that,

551
00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:51,960
Speaker 4: and then go back in there and clean it up.

552
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:53,640
Speaker 4: I ain't even gonna get upset about it. I ain't

553
00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:56,760
Speaker 4: gonna start slaying dishes and get loud and leave it

554
00:32:56,840 --> 00:32:59,120
Speaker 4: there and stuff like that. And I just went ahead

555
00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:02,560
Speaker 4: and just did it. I think that was like so yeah,

556
00:33:02,600 --> 00:33:05,560
Speaker 4: I just did that, Like little things like that usually

557
00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:10,720
Speaker 4: it you know, it irritates me, but I gotta I

558
00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:14,600
Speaker 4: can't let all this little stuff keep bothering me and

559
00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:17,960
Speaker 4: not being able to tackle the bigger things. So I

560
00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:20,640
Speaker 4: just was like I in my between, I just like

561
00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:22,920
Speaker 4: ii epan, I got it. I don't worry about it,

562
00:33:23,160 --> 00:33:26,320
Speaker 4: and just did it. When I was it. It takes

563
00:33:26,320 --> 00:33:30,080
Speaker 4: too much energy to be angry, so I just turned

564
00:33:30,080 --> 00:33:32,760
Speaker 4: one of my shoulders on or put it up there

565
00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:37,240
Speaker 4: on the counter on my phone, had my earbugs in

566
00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:39,640
Speaker 4: and just did my thing. And then next thing, you know,

567
00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:42,280
Speaker 4: it was over. It turned the light off, and it

568
00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:45,920
Speaker 4: was like almost like all right, I did that. It

569
00:33:45,960 --> 00:33:48,880
Speaker 4: wasn't too bad, you know, went back in the living room,

570
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:52,480
Speaker 4: did a little bit more, listened to my audio book

571
00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:54,200
Speaker 4: before I went to bed, and then I went to

572
00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:55,760
Speaker 4: bed when that was it.

573
00:33:56,840 --> 00:33:59,240
Speaker 1: And how much of a change is that, you said,

574
00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:01,479
Speaker 1: like there might have been times it would have been

575
00:34:01,520 --> 00:34:05,480
Speaker 1: slimming dishes and you know, getting angry. How much of

576
00:34:05,480 --> 00:34:06,160
Speaker 1: a change is that.

577
00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:12,480
Speaker 4: It's a big change, because now I don't got to

578
00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:15,440
Speaker 4: hear it in the morning, like you was down here

579
00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:17,360
Speaker 4: last night, you was up for a little bit and

580
00:34:17,480 --> 00:34:19,360
Speaker 4: you couldn't do this and that and the third. So

581
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:22,120
Speaker 4: sometimes I don't like hearing that first thing in the

582
00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:25,000
Speaker 4: morning because it's just starting my day off with negativity.

583
00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:28,560
Speaker 4: So if I want to start my day off positive, right,

584
00:34:28,680 --> 00:34:31,040
Speaker 4: and there's something I can do to change that the

585
00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:34,719
Speaker 4: day before, then why not do that Now. I'm not

586
00:34:34,719 --> 00:34:36,880
Speaker 4: gonna sit here and say I'm gonna clean up the

587
00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:40,760
Speaker 4: whole house because I just got off the work, but

588
00:34:40,880 --> 00:34:43,640
Speaker 4: I'm gonna take care of it. Is because one thing

589
00:34:43,719 --> 00:34:46,680
Speaker 4: I know, that's one thing I don't like doing it.

590
00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:50,560
Speaker 4: She don't really like doing it. But if I'm there

591
00:34:51,520 --> 00:34:53,799
Speaker 4: and it's that night time and I'm up because I'm

592
00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:56,399
Speaker 4: usually the night out, why not trying to knock it out?

593
00:34:56,960 --> 00:34:58,759
Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying. Why not try to knock

594
00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:00,719
Speaker 4: it out? She already got the boys ready for bed

595
00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:02,400
Speaker 4: and all that good stuff, So why not try to

596
00:35:02,440 --> 00:35:04,720
Speaker 4: knock this out? So when she get up in the morning,

597
00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:08,160
Speaker 4: if it's school or whatever, she got to make the

598
00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:11,000
Speaker 4: bottles with the little one, or you know, prepare breakfast

599
00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:13,160
Speaker 4: or something. Everything is all clean. And like I said,

600
00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:15,640
Speaker 4: I was already under the weather a little bit, so

601
00:35:15,719 --> 00:35:18,719
Speaker 4: I slept in more so it gave her time to

602
00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:21,120
Speaker 4: get up and everything was already taken care of, so

603
00:35:21,239 --> 00:35:23,560
Speaker 4: you know, it was it was a change. It helps

604
00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:27,640
Speaker 4: when that when that happens.

605
00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:30,000
Speaker 1: Definitely, and Jay might not have said anything, but what

606
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:32,120
Speaker 1: difference do you think it made to her? She woke

607
00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:36,279
Speaker 1: up and everything was already done. Like I'm not sure

608
00:35:36,280 --> 00:35:40,279
Speaker 1: if she said anything or whatever, but she.

609
00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:43,600
Speaker 4: She did say nothing, But it definitely I know, I

610
00:35:43,719 --> 00:35:49,200
Speaker 4: know because I know her enough. Yea, she was probably like,

611
00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:52,880
Speaker 4: thank you, you know what I'm saying. Yeah, I know

612
00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:54,719
Speaker 4: she was probably saying that to herself.

613
00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:59,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, And we also know that she must have noticed

614
00:35:59,239 --> 00:36:01,879
Speaker 1: because I think I heard you say you didn't wake

615
00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:03,040
Speaker 1: up with the negativity.

616
00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:09,920
Speaker 4: Yeah there, because usually that's what would happened, like like

617
00:36:10,000 --> 00:36:12,200
Speaker 4: shit say that, like, Yo, you couldn't do this, You

618
00:36:12,239 --> 00:36:15,239
Speaker 4: couldn't do that, Like you're sitting right here, you ain't

619
00:36:15,239 --> 00:36:17,600
Speaker 4: come to bed at two o'clock, like you couldn't watch it,

620
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:21,160
Speaker 4: like and I you know before I'm like, I ain't

621
00:36:21,160 --> 00:36:24,399
Speaker 4: feel like and then I'm responding back. Now we're both

622
00:36:24,440 --> 00:36:27,160
Speaker 4: going back and forth. And we didn't have to do that,

623
00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:30,320
Speaker 4: you know, it just I just would have jumped on

624
00:36:30,440 --> 00:36:33,120
Speaker 4: the real quick, you know, to got knocked out a

625
00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:35,840
Speaker 4: couple of things for so I think that was a big,

626
00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:37,480
Speaker 4: a big help, a big step.

627
00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:42,359
Speaker 1: Hey man, instead of negativity when that was happening what

628
00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:45,200
Speaker 1: would you call So you didn't wake up with negativity?

629
00:36:45,680 --> 00:36:46,920
Speaker 1: What did you wake up with?

630
00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:53,080
Speaker 4: I just woke up to, you know, going through my thing.

631
00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:58,080
Speaker 4: I just like so if I if isl me, So

632
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:02,279
Speaker 4: I always try to start off positive, right, because that's

633
00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:04,359
Speaker 4: gonna help me get get me due to my day

634
00:37:04,480 --> 00:37:07,160
Speaker 4: right because I'm dealing with all types of people and

635
00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:10,520
Speaker 4: I know it's going to be some negative things that's

636
00:37:10,560 --> 00:37:13,239
Speaker 4: gonna come, but I gotta be able to respond and

637
00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:15,359
Speaker 4: because I got to do my job right, So I

638
00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:19,440
Speaker 4: try to start my day off being positive. So if

639
00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:22,040
Speaker 4: I start, if I wake up and I do my things,

640
00:37:22,040 --> 00:37:24,560
Speaker 4: start my day off positive, and then the person that's

641
00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:27,920
Speaker 4: closest to me hit me with something negative, it just

642
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:30,560
Speaker 4: throws me off. Course, like it just throws me off,

643
00:37:30,560 --> 00:37:32,279
Speaker 4: and then I got to try to re grab that

644
00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:35,680
Speaker 4: back or if it keeps going on and it just

645
00:37:35,719 --> 00:37:38,600
Speaker 4: messes up your whole day and your vibe. Right, So

646
00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:42,080
Speaker 4: when I try, you know, by me taking care of

647
00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:44,520
Speaker 4: that little small part, and like I said, it's a

648
00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:46,960
Speaker 4: lot of other things that could have been done. It's

649
00:37:46,960 --> 00:37:49,040
Speaker 4: a lot of other things that can be addressed to

650
00:37:49,160 --> 00:37:51,919
Speaker 4: as well. Though, But like I said, also you got

651
00:37:51,920 --> 00:37:55,240
Speaker 4: to take steps. But if I saw that that needed

652
00:37:55,320 --> 00:37:58,560
Speaker 4: to be done, and I know, like she's definitely gonna

653
00:37:58,560 --> 00:38:01,560
Speaker 4: be home all day with the boy, and I knocked

654
00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:03,799
Speaker 4: out that, you know, so now she can go in

655
00:38:03,800 --> 00:38:05,640
Speaker 4: there and she got to cook them something or whatever

656
00:38:05,680 --> 00:38:07,520
Speaker 4: the case may be. The kitchen. She got a clean

657
00:38:07,640 --> 00:38:09,680
Speaker 4: kitchen to work at. So it was a little bit

658
00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:13,160
Speaker 4: better start in the morning off, you know, because when

659
00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:15,560
Speaker 4: you start in the morning off that way, you know,

660
00:38:15,640 --> 00:38:17,840
Speaker 4: you just feel is this a different vibe? It's a

661
00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:20,680
Speaker 4: different feeling, and it was good, it was cool. I

662
00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:21,040
Speaker 4: like that.

663
00:38:22,680 --> 00:38:27,520
Speaker 1: Hm. Are you surprised? I gotta think of how to

664
00:38:27,520 --> 00:38:29,040
Speaker 1: word this because I want to make sure I asked

665
00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:32,799
Speaker 1: this right. Are you surprised that a little thing you did,

666
00:38:33,040 --> 00:38:35,520
Speaker 1: like cleaning the kitchen?

667
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:37,160
Speaker 4: Mm hmm.

668
00:38:38,520 --> 00:38:42,040
Speaker 1: Had such an impact? Like even though Jalen didn't just

669
00:38:42,200 --> 00:38:45,440
Speaker 1: overtly say it, but are you surprised that you did

670
00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:49,160
Speaker 1: a little thing like cleaning the kitchen and it literally

671
00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:51,319
Speaker 1: changed the way you woke up the next morning? Like?

672
00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:59,320
Speaker 1: Does that surprise you? Mm?

673
00:38:59,440 --> 00:39:03,840
Speaker 4: I wouldn't say more of a surprise because I think

674
00:39:07,400 --> 00:39:12,000
Speaker 4: me personally, I think she thinks that you know, it's expected,

675
00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:22,520
Speaker 4: but it was definitely more uh, what I'm looking for.

676
00:39:22,640 --> 00:39:27,279
Speaker 4: I think it was more I think it was more accepted,

677
00:39:27,680 --> 00:39:32,439
Speaker 4: like okay, all right, cool, all right, So I did that,

678
00:39:32,840 --> 00:39:36,160
Speaker 4: so allright, and it was I feel like I did that,

679
00:39:36,320 --> 00:39:39,200
Speaker 4: and this was the results that happened the next day.

680
00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:42,880
Speaker 4: So now I add on to that, this is the

681
00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:44,960
Speaker 4: results that was going to happen the next day. So

682
00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:47,360
Speaker 4: I gotta keep building it up, building it up so

683
00:39:47,400 --> 00:39:53,400
Speaker 4: I can. So if I want consistently consistent positivity every morning,

684
00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:56,920
Speaker 4: you know, then I gotta continue to keep building it

685
00:39:57,040 --> 00:39:59,720
Speaker 4: up by doing other things. And they don't necessarily gotta

686
00:39:59,800 --> 00:40:03,440
Speaker 4: be something around the house like that should be a given,

687
00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:07,120
Speaker 4: Like it just got to be other little other things, right,

688
00:40:07,400 --> 00:40:09,640
Speaker 4: So we just got to keep checking off the boxes.

689
00:40:10,080 --> 00:40:13,960
Speaker 4: And I think that's what's gonna help, you know, continue

690
00:40:13,960 --> 00:40:16,680
Speaker 4: to keep getting that positive energy every morning.

691
00:40:17,320 --> 00:40:20,960
Speaker 1: How proud do you think your mom, your dad, and

692
00:40:21,000 --> 00:40:24,880
Speaker 1: your sister are watching you do these things.

693
00:40:26,239 --> 00:40:31,760
Speaker 4: I think my sister and mom are super proud because

694
00:40:31,760 --> 00:40:33,800
Speaker 4: they know the type of guy I am, type of

695
00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:37,080
Speaker 4: man I am. I think my dad is proud too

696
00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:41,960
Speaker 4: as well, for the simple reason of like my dad

697
00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:44,160
Speaker 4: probably like I can hear him saying, like, man, I

698
00:40:44,160 --> 00:40:46,319
Speaker 4: want to be none of that. Like my dad wasn't

699
00:40:46,320 --> 00:40:48,800
Speaker 4: that type of guy. Like he's not gonna sit there

700
00:40:49,440 --> 00:40:51,640
Speaker 4: like you know, he's not that Like he'll go order

701
00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:53,520
Speaker 4: out fool. He's not gonna sit there and cook and

702
00:40:53,560 --> 00:40:55,319
Speaker 4: clean up the kitchen, right aye. And I'm not saying

703
00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:58,040
Speaker 4: he won't do that, but he's not gonna do that.

704
00:40:58,040 --> 00:41:01,200
Speaker 4: That's not his thing. But for him to see me

705
00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:03,879
Speaker 4: doing that, he was like, wow, you know I never

706
00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:07,520
Speaker 4: did that. Like here's probably say that and he'll be like, Yo,

707
00:41:07,560 --> 00:41:09,879
Speaker 4: that's a good thing. But my sister and my mother

708
00:41:09,960 --> 00:41:12,279
Speaker 4: will really be proud because they know I haven't in me.

709
00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:16,040
Speaker 4: They know I can do it, you know, and they

710
00:41:16,080 --> 00:41:18,759
Speaker 4: will definitely be happy to see that, you know. So

711
00:41:18,880 --> 00:41:21,480
Speaker 4: I think they're really they'll really be proud.

712
00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:26,640
Speaker 1: And how much of this are you doing because you

713
00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:30,520
Speaker 1: want to make things better between you and j and

714
00:41:30,560 --> 00:41:33,520
Speaker 1: you want to see Jade happy? Like what what? How

715
00:41:33,600 --> 00:41:36,759
Speaker 1: much of these changes are a part of that?

716
00:41:39,320 --> 00:41:42,400
Speaker 4: A lot of it? Right, So it's not just so

717
00:41:42,520 --> 00:41:46,960
Speaker 4: the changes is it's for both of us, right, So

718
00:41:48,200 --> 00:41:52,040
Speaker 4: the changes are definitely gonna help me, right, It's definitely

719
00:41:52,080 --> 00:41:56,040
Speaker 4: gonna help me. But by me getting better with myself

720
00:41:57,200 --> 00:42:01,160
Speaker 4: and you know, stronger with my self is gonna be

721
00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:05,160
Speaker 4: a re It's definitely gonna trans over to Jayleen and

722
00:42:05,239 --> 00:42:08,480
Speaker 4: her being happy. Right. So that's the goal, right, So

723
00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:10,879
Speaker 4: I gotta I gotta get I gotta make sure I'm

724
00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:16,239
Speaker 4: strong right and make sure I'm happy with myself, and

725
00:42:16,280 --> 00:42:20,840
Speaker 4: then that's gonna automatically transition to Jayalen because for me

726
00:42:20,920 --> 00:42:23,520
Speaker 4: to get to myself happy, it's things that gotta change

727
00:42:23,600 --> 00:42:27,320
Speaker 4: within the relationship. So that's gonna start making her happy

728
00:42:27,360 --> 00:42:32,120
Speaker 4: and you know, and you know, just seeing that, Okay,

729
00:42:32,640 --> 00:42:35,319
Speaker 4: this is I'm liking this, this is what's going on,

730
00:42:36,000 --> 00:42:38,360
Speaker 4: and you know, and and that's what makes me happy.

731
00:42:38,400 --> 00:42:41,840
Speaker 4: It's like I always said this. I said that like

732
00:42:42,160 --> 00:42:45,520
Speaker 4: Christmas and birthdays and when I cook something or whatever,

733
00:42:45,640 --> 00:42:49,160
Speaker 4: Like my happiness is seeing the smiles on your face.

734
00:42:49,960 --> 00:42:52,160
Speaker 4: That's what I That's what I say, right, And that's

735
00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:55,040
Speaker 4: my thing. Like seeing my ladies smile and happy and

736
00:42:55,360 --> 00:42:57,640
Speaker 4: you know, proud of things that I do and did

737
00:42:57,680 --> 00:43:01,239
Speaker 4: and accomplished, or you know, make her happy because I

738
00:43:01,280 --> 00:43:05,399
Speaker 4: was thoughtful or this is something that she really liked

739
00:43:05,440 --> 00:43:08,000
Speaker 4: and was really concerned about and I took care of

740
00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:12,120
Speaker 4: It makes me happy. Right, it makes me happy, So

741
00:43:12,640 --> 00:43:16,160
Speaker 4: you know, it definitely helped both of us. And that's

742
00:43:16,160 --> 00:43:16,600
Speaker 4: a good thing.

743
00:43:18,400 --> 00:43:20,960
Speaker 1: No, sir, that's not a good thing. That's a great thing.

744
00:43:21,040 --> 00:43:24,680
Speaker 1: That's okay, out of the world thing, Like that's an

745
00:43:24,719 --> 00:43:27,560
Speaker 1: amazing thing to hear. Do you think Jay knows that?

746
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:31,040
Speaker 1: Like if I recorded the last I don't know, thirty

747
00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:34,160
Speaker 1: seconds or sixty seconds that you just said and played

748
00:43:34,200 --> 00:43:36,160
Speaker 1: it for jas, do you think she would know that?

749
00:43:36,200 --> 00:43:37,719
Speaker 1: Do you think she would be surprised to hear you

750
00:43:37,719 --> 00:43:38,560
Speaker 1: say what you just said?

751
00:43:39,880 --> 00:43:46,920
Speaker 4: I think she does know it, right. I think Jalen

752
00:43:47,040 --> 00:43:50,200
Speaker 4: is to the point that she needs to see it, gotcha,

753
00:43:50,320 --> 00:43:54,560
Speaker 4: jal is She's a strong woman, right, She's a very

754
00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:58,920
Speaker 4: smart woman. Okay, she's a soldier, right. She need to

755
00:43:58,960 --> 00:44:03,720
Speaker 4: see it. And I understand that part. So she needs

756
00:44:03,719 --> 00:44:08,480
Speaker 4: to see it. She know all the capabilities I have, Yeah,

757
00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:11,759
Speaker 4: and I can write. It's just that it's time for

758
00:44:11,760 --> 00:44:14,600
Speaker 4: her to see things now. She needs to see it.

759
00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:17,400
Speaker 4: And I think that's where we're at. She need to

760
00:44:17,440 --> 00:44:18,120
Speaker 4: see this stuff.

761
00:44:18,880 --> 00:44:25,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, Okay, And you're right, like she is a strong woman.

762
00:44:25,160 --> 00:44:28,040
Speaker 1: And when you say she's a soldier, like literally she

763
00:44:28,760 --> 00:44:33,080
Speaker 1: was in the Armed Services MM hmm. What do you

764
00:44:33,120 --> 00:44:39,160
Speaker 1: imagine would be your clue that the actions you are taking,

765
00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:43,680
Speaker 1: the things you are doing is impacting her in a

766
00:44:43,760 --> 00:44:46,520
Speaker 1: significant way. Like when we started talking, you said, you're

767
00:44:46,520 --> 00:44:49,359
Speaker 1: not sure Jaylen noticed, but she must have noticed because

768
00:44:49,400 --> 00:44:51,919
Speaker 1: she behaved differently, like she woke up differently the next day.

769
00:44:52,160 --> 00:44:54,040
Speaker 1: She might not have said anything, and she might not

770
00:44:54,080 --> 00:44:57,080
Speaker 1: have you know, jumped up and down or anything, but

771
00:44:57,120 --> 00:45:01,160
Speaker 1: she must have been aware. What what do you imagine would

772
00:45:01,200 --> 00:45:02,920
Speaker 1: be a clue to you that when you see it,

773
00:45:02,960 --> 00:45:06,080
Speaker 1: you're gonna be like, Okay, it's impacting j now, Like

774
00:45:06,160 --> 00:45:09,200
Speaker 1: I'm I'm doing these things. I'm being consistent, I'm taking

775
00:45:09,200 --> 00:45:11,359
Speaker 1: this action every day. What would what do you think

776
00:45:11,360 --> 00:45:12,839
Speaker 1: would be the thing that would tell you, Okay, this

777
00:45:12,880 --> 00:45:14,919
Speaker 1: is impacting us in a positive way.

778
00:45:15,680 --> 00:45:18,239
Speaker 4: I think it would probably be more dialogue, Like it's

779
00:45:18,280 --> 00:45:21,279
Speaker 4: probably the way she will respond to say something. She

780
00:45:21,280 --> 00:45:24,279
Speaker 4: she's the type of person that she'd say something. She

781
00:45:24,440 --> 00:45:28,719
Speaker 4: just say it, especially if it's for the good and

782
00:45:28,880 --> 00:45:32,120
Speaker 4: she know like it's an initiative, Because then I would

783
00:45:32,200 --> 00:45:33,759
Speaker 4: I would bring it out of her. I'd say I

784
00:45:33,880 --> 00:45:36,080
Speaker 4: bring it up to her. But I think that's a

785
00:45:36,239 --> 00:45:39,760
Speaker 4: reaction to it. She would definitely say something. The dialogue

786
00:45:39,800 --> 00:45:42,879
Speaker 4: would be a little different. She'll probably be like, Yo,

787
00:45:43,000 --> 00:45:44,640
Speaker 4: good job on that. I ain't know you did this.

788
00:45:45,239 --> 00:45:48,000
Speaker 4: I was like, yeah, yeah, I was thinking about it.

789
00:45:48,040 --> 00:45:50,040
Speaker 4: I know you mentioned it a couple of months ago,

790
00:45:50,239 --> 00:45:52,640
Speaker 4: or this is on one of them lists that we have.

791
00:45:52,880 --> 00:45:55,000
Speaker 4: You know, I keep everything. So I just went out

792
00:45:55,040 --> 00:45:59,440
Speaker 4: of head and did it. She was like, okay, all right.

793
00:46:00,000 --> 00:46:03,640
Speaker 4: They'll probably say something like Okay, them sessions, them sessions helping,

794
00:46:03,719 --> 00:46:10,080
Speaker 4: huh right, because she's definitely gonna say something. She's definitely

795
00:46:10,160 --> 00:46:13,000
Speaker 4: gonna say something like that. She's gonna say something about

796
00:46:13,040 --> 00:46:15,680
Speaker 4: the sessions, and he say, oh, they helping, huh? You

797
00:46:15,880 --> 00:46:18,880
Speaker 4: like you like Elliott, don't you? Huh? I feel okay?

798
00:46:19,280 --> 00:46:22,160
Speaker 4: All right, that's that's that's the way she responds back,

799
00:46:22,239 --> 00:46:24,880
Speaker 4: Like I know her, So I think that's what's gonna happen.

800
00:46:24,960 --> 00:46:26,960
Speaker 4: But like I said, she needs to see it. She

801
00:46:27,080 --> 00:46:29,960
Speaker 4: needs to see it. So I'm ready to start showing her.

802
00:46:30,440 --> 00:46:32,560
Speaker 1: What difference would it make you to hear her say that,

803
00:46:33,080 --> 00:46:34,320
Speaker 1: to hear her say those things.

804
00:46:35,120 --> 00:46:38,080
Speaker 4: Man, I'm gonna be honest. I'm a guy, right, I'm

805
00:46:38,120 --> 00:46:43,239
Speaker 4: a guy. I like my ego stroke sometimes I'm an athlete,

806
00:46:43,600 --> 00:46:47,239
Speaker 4: so it will be very very very very very make

807
00:46:47,320 --> 00:46:50,880
Speaker 4: me feel very good to hear her say something like that.

808
00:46:50,920 --> 00:46:52,600
Speaker 4: And I'm not gonna see here and be like, ah,

809
00:46:52,600 --> 00:46:55,040
Speaker 4: she don't got to say. No. I need to hear

810
00:46:55,080 --> 00:46:59,160
Speaker 4: that sometimes, and I'm being honest with you, I need

811
00:46:59,200 --> 00:47:01,680
Speaker 4: to hear that. That's gonna make me feel good if

812
00:47:01,680 --> 00:47:05,000
Speaker 4: you say some stuff like that, absolutely, because it's gonna

813
00:47:05,000 --> 00:47:07,920
Speaker 4: give me a sense of accomplishment. It's gonna let let

814
00:47:07,960 --> 00:47:10,480
Speaker 4: me know like, Okay, some of the stuff that I'm

815
00:47:10,520 --> 00:47:13,840
Speaker 4: doing and it's even you know, it might seem not

816
00:47:13,960 --> 00:47:16,880
Speaker 4: as hard as somebody else, right, but it could have

817
00:47:16,920 --> 00:47:19,040
Speaker 4: been a little hard work on my end though. But

818
00:47:19,080 --> 00:47:21,120
Speaker 4: I need, like, you know, that pat on the back

819
00:47:21,239 --> 00:47:24,040
Speaker 4: or that like, yo, good job dad. I appreciate that.

820
00:47:24,160 --> 00:47:26,239
Speaker 4: I like to hear things like that. You know. I

821
00:47:26,320 --> 00:47:29,600
Speaker 4: like to be congratulated on, you know, if I accomplished

822
00:47:29,640 --> 00:47:32,040
Speaker 4: something and it was and I know it's helping both

823
00:47:32,040 --> 00:47:35,920
Speaker 4: of us. So that's just being honest. That's that's me.

824
00:47:36,440 --> 00:47:40,359
Speaker 1: No, look appreciate that. Do you think she knows that

825
00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:44,640
Speaker 1: about you? Do you think she knows that like her

826
00:47:44,760 --> 00:47:48,360
Speaker 1: feedback to you because you're a man, because you're an

827
00:47:48,400 --> 00:47:51,719
Speaker 1: athlete because you because of the way you think about her.

828
00:47:51,760 --> 00:47:53,480
Speaker 1: Do you think she knows that her feedback to you

829
00:47:53,600 --> 00:47:54,840
Speaker 1: really impacts you.

830
00:47:56,440 --> 00:48:00,640
Speaker 4: I think every woman knows that. I think of women

831
00:48:00,760 --> 00:48:04,280
Speaker 4: that been with a certain person for a long time,

832
00:48:04,920 --> 00:48:09,080
Speaker 4: women know, and Jalen knows what pisses me off and

833
00:48:09,120 --> 00:48:12,440
Speaker 4: what makes me act right. He knows that she know,

834
00:48:13,120 --> 00:48:17,240
Speaker 4: she know, and she and if you was the actor

835
00:48:17,440 --> 00:48:21,919
Speaker 4: right now and she's like, absolutely, that's David's personality, I know, right,

836
00:48:21,960 --> 00:48:24,439
Speaker 4: And I also know that what would take him off too?

837
00:48:24,719 --> 00:48:29,359
Speaker 1: David? Can I challenge you a bit? I think you're right.

838
00:48:29,400 --> 00:48:31,160
Speaker 1: If I called her right now and I said what

839
00:48:31,360 --> 00:48:35,000
Speaker 1: pisses David off and what makes David happy, she'd be

840
00:48:35,040 --> 00:48:37,080
Speaker 1: able to tell me one hundred percent. I actually agree

841
00:48:37,120 --> 00:48:44,040
Speaker 1: with that. But if I said to her, your happiness,

842
00:48:44,080 --> 00:48:49,440
Speaker 1: your smile, and your feedback matters a lot to David,

843
00:48:50,200 --> 00:48:54,080
Speaker 1: I'm not sure she would know that. I wonder if

844
00:48:54,160 --> 00:48:57,040
Speaker 1: if I called her right now and I said, does

845
00:48:57,080 --> 00:49:02,160
Speaker 1: your happiness, does your feedback? Does your praise matter to David?

846
00:49:02,719 --> 00:49:06,520
Speaker 1: I wonder if she wouldn't say I used to think

847
00:49:06,640 --> 00:49:09,560
Speaker 1: they did, But if they did, he would have made

848
00:49:09,600 --> 00:49:13,440
Speaker 1: these changes a long time ago. What do you think

849
00:49:13,480 --> 00:49:13,799
Speaker 1: of that?

850
00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:18,160
Speaker 4: I think she'll probably say that right when you break

851
00:49:18,200 --> 00:49:22,560
Speaker 4: it down that way, Yeah, I think she will say that.

852
00:49:23,080 --> 00:49:26,640
Speaker 1: My question to you would be, how do you show

853
00:49:27,239 --> 00:49:30,520
Speaker 1: Jay that her smile and her praise and her feedback

854
00:49:31,080 --> 00:49:33,799
Speaker 1: still matters to you? You know what I mean, Like

855
00:49:33,880 --> 00:49:36,000
Speaker 1: it's still the thing that drives me. I might not

856
00:49:36,040 --> 00:49:37,840
Speaker 1: have been myself for a minute. I might have fallen

857
00:49:37,880 --> 00:49:40,200
Speaker 1: off you know, gotten off track for a minute, but

858
00:49:40,840 --> 00:49:43,200
Speaker 1: you still matter to me. How do you show her that?

859
00:49:43,600 --> 00:49:48,000
Speaker 4: I gotta start, you know, pouring myself into her more, like,

860
00:49:48,080 --> 00:49:50,640
Speaker 4: you know, getting that smile back on her face like

861
00:49:50,680 --> 00:49:53,160
Speaker 4: she deserves, Like you know what I'm saying, Yeah, I

862
00:49:53,200 --> 00:49:58,200
Speaker 4: gotta start doing the doing, you know, more than what

863
00:49:58,280 --> 00:50:00,560
Speaker 4: I used to do, you know, you know what I'm saying,

864
00:50:00,560 --> 00:50:03,600
Speaker 4: and just being consistent on certain things, taking the lead

865
00:50:04,560 --> 00:50:06,760
Speaker 4: on a lot of stuff, Like you know what I'm saying.

866
00:50:06,880 --> 00:50:09,759
Speaker 4: I think that's exactly what it is, like, you know,

867
00:50:10,000 --> 00:50:13,640
Speaker 4: because there's been too many times that you know, we

868
00:50:13,680 --> 00:50:19,319
Speaker 4: don't have conversations together, and now it's like how we

869
00:50:19,360 --> 00:50:23,880
Speaker 4: can accomplish so much together, you know, like how strong

870
00:50:23,920 --> 00:50:27,160
Speaker 4: we can be as one instead of separate right, So,

871
00:50:28,200 --> 00:50:32,880
Speaker 4: and she wants to be she she wants me to

872
00:50:32,920 --> 00:50:36,719
Speaker 4: take the lead on a lot of things, right. And

873
00:50:37,160 --> 00:50:41,279
Speaker 4: I think once she starts seeing that and seeing the

874
00:50:41,400 --> 00:50:45,399
Speaker 4: initiative and the consistency of it. So that's the biggest thing,

875
00:50:45,440 --> 00:50:47,759
Speaker 4: the consistency of it, not just doing it for a

876
00:50:47,880 --> 00:50:52,120
Speaker 4: day or a week, constantly keep doing it right now,

877
00:50:52,280 --> 00:50:54,520
Speaker 4: to habit so it's not even worrying about it no more.

878
00:50:54,520 --> 00:50:56,520
Speaker 4: And then then you pick up on another one and

879
00:50:56,520 --> 00:50:58,360
Speaker 4: you just keep doing it. Now is just a routine,

880
00:50:58,719 --> 00:51:01,399
Speaker 4: It's part of life. That's what she needs to see,

881
00:51:01,560 --> 00:51:03,879
Speaker 4: and that's what's gonna get them smiles back on her

882
00:51:03,920 --> 00:51:07,040
Speaker 4: face and stuff like that, right, you know, doing the

883
00:51:07,160 --> 00:51:10,960
Speaker 4: little things right. She's she's not the woman that I'm

884
00:51:10,960 --> 00:51:14,200
Speaker 4: not saying that she doesn't like diamonds and jewelry and

885
00:51:14,239 --> 00:51:16,880
Speaker 4: stuff like that though, but like you know, she like

886
00:51:17,480 --> 00:51:21,439
Speaker 4: little things that means. Stuff like that's meaningful. That's what's

887
00:51:21,440 --> 00:51:25,160
Speaker 4: gonna help build a relationship stronger, get it back to

888
00:51:25,200 --> 00:51:27,080
Speaker 4: where it was at things like that.

889
00:51:27,239 --> 00:51:29,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, you said something earlier about the kids, which I

890
00:51:29,880 --> 00:51:32,919
Speaker 1: completely agree. I mean, they're what'd you say? Five and two?

891
00:51:33,080 --> 00:51:36,120
Speaker 1: I think what difference would it make to their lives

892
00:51:36,840 --> 00:51:41,480
Speaker 1: to have mom and dad behaving in the way you're describing.

893
00:51:42,080 --> 00:51:47,040
Speaker 4: Stuff I've seen at my son's age, he will never

894
00:51:47,160 --> 00:51:50,480
Speaker 4: see nothing like that, right, So I thank him by

895
00:51:50,560 --> 00:51:54,120
Speaker 4: him seeing that and seeing his mom and dad like,

896
00:51:54,239 --> 00:51:58,680
Speaker 4: you know, happy and smiling and seeing dad doing certain things.

897
00:51:58,719 --> 00:52:03,360
Speaker 4: It's just gonna, you know, as he gets older and

898
00:52:03,880 --> 00:52:06,719
Speaker 4: he's just gonna see like, this is how a man

899
00:52:06,920 --> 00:52:11,160
Speaker 4: leaves the family, This is how my dad treats my mom,

900
00:52:11,400 --> 00:52:13,840
Speaker 4: you know. And I think that's gonna help him, you know,

901
00:52:14,600 --> 00:52:17,600
Speaker 4: as he gets older, when he gets into a relationship

902
00:52:17,680 --> 00:52:21,680
Speaker 4: and his responsibilities, right, because if you start seeing that

903
00:52:21,920 --> 00:52:26,840
Speaker 4: now right as a young man, not in no serious

904
00:52:26,880 --> 00:52:30,319
Speaker 4: relationship or anything like that, and you know, like all right,

905
00:52:30,520 --> 00:52:35,120
Speaker 4: you got all you're how to handle certain things, you're

906
00:52:35,160 --> 00:52:39,319
Speaker 4: willing to talk, right, you're not just all you know,

907
00:52:40,040 --> 00:52:43,560
Speaker 4: whah on everything. I think that's gonna help him more

908
00:52:43,640 --> 00:52:47,000
Speaker 4: in a relationship because he's gonna have some of that

909
00:52:47,120 --> 00:52:50,680
Speaker 4: going into a relationship. So when you don't have when

910
00:52:50,719 --> 00:52:53,759
Speaker 4: you don't have that or didn't see that, and you

911
00:52:53,800 --> 00:52:57,480
Speaker 4: are learning on a fly from just you know, past

912
00:52:57,520 --> 00:53:02,120
Speaker 4: relationships or being in different situations, and it's a little harder, right,

913
00:53:02,160 --> 00:53:06,719
Speaker 4: it's a lot harder to get things in order. So

914
00:53:06,840 --> 00:53:09,239
Speaker 4: I think once you once he's seeing things in order

915
00:53:09,239 --> 00:53:12,360
Speaker 4: at an early age, it's gonna help him more. With

916
00:53:12,480 --> 00:53:14,640
Speaker 4: both of my boys, right, and even my daughter. She

917
00:53:14,680 --> 00:53:16,680
Speaker 4: doesn't live with me though, but even with my daughter,

918
00:53:16,800 --> 00:53:18,880
Speaker 4: like when she comes busy, it's gonna help her too

919
00:53:19,040 --> 00:53:21,360
Speaker 4: because she still she's a young she's a young lady.

920
00:53:21,920 --> 00:53:24,799
Speaker 4: She's older, she's sixteen though, but it's definitely gonna help

921
00:53:24,840 --> 00:53:25,640
Speaker 4: her too as well.

922
00:53:26,920 --> 00:53:30,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, it's interesting you're highlighting something and I

923
00:53:30,680 --> 00:53:33,799
Speaker 1: don't even know if you realize your highlighting this. But

924
00:53:34,560 --> 00:53:38,120
Speaker 1: not only would you be with the children grow up

925
00:53:38,280 --> 00:53:44,120
Speaker 1: not seeing the things that that you saw, correct, if

926
00:53:44,120 --> 00:53:46,120
Speaker 1: they would grow up not seeing the things that you saw,

927
00:53:46,200 --> 00:53:51,000
Speaker 1: So not only that, but they would also grow up

928
00:53:51,160 --> 00:53:56,759
Speaker 1: seeing things you didn't see. Yeah, and that would impact

929
00:53:57,120 --> 00:54:02,239
Speaker 1: how they conduct themselves in future relationships. What difference does

930
00:54:02,280 --> 00:54:03,880
Speaker 1: that make to you as a father?

931
00:54:04,440 --> 00:54:09,200
Speaker 4: That's a major difference. Having my boys raised that way

932
00:54:09,320 --> 00:54:11,920
Speaker 4: and seeing that positive It just changes the game and

933
00:54:12,040 --> 00:54:15,200
Speaker 4: changes the narrative of their story and how their story

934
00:54:15,239 --> 00:54:19,200
Speaker 4: could be right, right, just like that, because I have

935
00:54:19,480 --> 00:54:23,080
Speaker 4: friends that grew up that way, and I hung out

936
00:54:23,080 --> 00:54:25,400
Speaker 4: with these guys, right, you could. You could tell the

937
00:54:25,440 --> 00:54:28,520
Speaker 4: little difference between the ones that did and the ones

938
00:54:28,520 --> 00:54:31,839
Speaker 4: that didn't. You can see it. You can see it, right.

939
00:54:32,040 --> 00:54:33,959
Speaker 4: And when you look back and you look at it now,

940
00:54:34,120 --> 00:54:37,319
Speaker 4: you know we're all grown, you be like, yeah, that's

941
00:54:37,320 --> 00:54:39,640
Speaker 4: what it was, a little bit, that's what it was.

942
00:54:39,960 --> 00:54:43,040
Speaker 4: He wasn't corny or nothing like that. You know, and

943
00:54:43,600 --> 00:54:47,799
Speaker 4: been married for twenty some years now. And you know,

944
00:54:48,040 --> 00:54:50,759
Speaker 4: because we as men, we think it's wrong because you

945
00:54:50,880 --> 00:54:53,560
Speaker 4: just want to be with one girl or you know,

946
00:54:53,680 --> 00:54:56,760
Speaker 4: you're not jumping around from lady to lady and things

947
00:54:56,840 --> 00:54:58,920
Speaker 4: like that. You know, I've been to college and all that.

948
00:54:59,320 --> 00:55:04,560
Speaker 4: So when you look back at it now, you're like, whoa, Okay,

949
00:55:05,000 --> 00:55:09,399
Speaker 4: maybe that's what it was. Oh he's been He grew

950
00:55:09,480 --> 00:55:14,919
Speaker 4: up with seeing commitment, seeing his father, loving his mother,

951
00:55:15,160 --> 00:55:17,960
Speaker 4: taking care of the house, you know, being the man

952
00:55:18,040 --> 00:55:21,320
Speaker 4: of the house, things of that nature. So all right,

953
00:55:21,440 --> 00:55:23,799
Speaker 4: so this is some of the results of some of

954
00:55:23,840 --> 00:55:25,680
Speaker 4: the things that happen. I'm not saying it's like that

955
00:55:25,800 --> 00:55:29,520
Speaker 4: across the board, but I feel like that plays a

956
00:55:29,600 --> 00:55:34,000
Speaker 4: major part into the decisions that us as young boys

957
00:55:34,040 --> 00:55:37,400
Speaker 4: when we become men. That we meet. I think that

958
00:55:37,440 --> 00:55:39,400
Speaker 4: plays a big part. Absolutely.

959
00:55:39,640 --> 00:55:41,680
Speaker 1: Okay, So I want to ask you a question, but

960
00:55:41,719 --> 00:55:45,240
Speaker 1: I got to explain why I'm asking it. I've worked

961
00:55:45,280 --> 00:55:48,799
Speaker 1: with a lot of professional athletes and a lot of

962
00:55:48,840 --> 00:55:51,960
Speaker 1: times they will say to me, and usually when I

963
00:55:52,000 --> 00:55:55,040
Speaker 1: see them is when they've retired and they have a

964
00:55:55,080 --> 00:55:59,120
Speaker 1: hard time like adjusting to being a regular person versus

965
00:55:59,120 --> 00:56:01,799
Speaker 1: an athlete. Again, And remember talking to a guy and

966
00:56:01,840 --> 00:56:06,640
Speaker 1: he told me that he felt like a sense of

967
00:56:07,080 --> 00:56:10,400
Speaker 1: like like a warrior, like a like a like he

968
00:56:10,480 --> 00:56:13,280
Speaker 1: felt like he was like a like a dominant creature

969
00:56:13,320 --> 00:56:18,160
Speaker 1: when he was playing football and it did something to

970
00:56:18,239 --> 00:56:22,080
Speaker 1: his personality and a positive He felt indestructible, He felt

971
00:56:22,320 --> 00:56:24,960
Speaker 1: good about himself. Does that resonate with you?

972
00:56:25,040 --> 00:56:27,680
Speaker 4: You know what I'm talking about? What you talking about?

973
00:56:28,040 --> 00:56:30,879
Speaker 1: And this one guy you made me think about him

974
00:56:31,960 --> 00:56:35,960
Speaker 1: because he said when he rediscovered how to be a man,

975
00:56:36,000 --> 00:56:38,759
Speaker 1: because he came from a very broken environment too, he said,

976
00:56:38,800 --> 00:56:40,600
Speaker 1: he started to look himself in the mirror kind of

977
00:56:40,640 --> 00:56:43,759
Speaker 1: like indestructible. Again, So I was thinking about that as

978
00:56:43,800 --> 00:56:46,839
Speaker 1: you were talking, like, how would you feel about yourself

979
00:56:47,640 --> 00:56:51,520
Speaker 1: as you accomplish these things daily and you break this

980
00:56:51,680 --> 00:56:55,239
Speaker 1: pattern and show your boys something different, and and you

981
00:56:55,280 --> 00:56:58,520
Speaker 1: start getting this wonderful feedback. How would you start feeling

982
00:56:58,600 --> 00:57:02,320
Speaker 1: about David? What would David start thinking about David.

983
00:57:03,160 --> 00:57:06,400
Speaker 4: I think over the last few years, I've just been

984
00:57:06,480 --> 00:57:10,000
Speaker 4: letting the adversity just can take in consuming me and

985
00:57:10,080 --> 00:57:14,040
Speaker 4: then trying to, you know, not deal with it. Go left,

986
00:57:14,080 --> 00:57:16,280
Speaker 4: go right, But when you come back to the middle,

987
00:57:16,440 --> 00:57:20,360
Speaker 4: is still there. Yeah, So it would definitely feel like,

988
00:57:20,520 --> 00:57:22,560
Speaker 4: you know, I'm like, all I got through that bone,

989
00:57:22,560 --> 00:57:24,320
Speaker 4: that's out the way, that's out the way. I ain't

990
00:57:24,360 --> 00:57:27,160
Speaker 4: worrying about that anymore, knocking that down. Let's keep going,

991
00:57:27,720 --> 00:57:30,280
Speaker 4: you know. I think that's gonna have me feeling, like

992
00:57:30,360 --> 00:57:34,080
Speaker 4: you said, like undestructible, like so like the warrior that

993
00:57:34,200 --> 00:57:38,720
Speaker 4: I am again. Yeah, you know, and whatever whatever comes

994
00:57:38,760 --> 00:57:42,840
Speaker 4: to my table or on my lap, whatever little adversity

995
00:57:42,880 --> 00:57:46,000
Speaker 4: that comes, you know, I gotta, you know, just keep

996
00:57:46,080 --> 00:57:49,360
Speaker 4: on going. I have to do this because I can't

997
00:57:49,400 --> 00:57:52,240
Speaker 4: install listening to my son's if I can't do it

998
00:57:52,280 --> 00:57:55,120
Speaker 4: myself right. And I know what I did before, so

999
00:57:55,200 --> 00:57:58,080
Speaker 4: I gotta get it back so my boys can know

1000
00:57:58,200 --> 00:58:01,600
Speaker 4: when the little adversity hits, don't worry about it. Man,

1001
00:58:01,680 --> 00:58:04,120
Speaker 4: Like we're gonna handle it right. Now. We're gonna handle

1002
00:58:04,160 --> 00:58:06,800
Speaker 4: it together. Even when you start getting knowling it, Daddy's

1003
00:58:06,800 --> 00:58:09,760
Speaker 4: still here. We're gonna handle it together, right. And then

1004
00:58:09,800 --> 00:58:13,520
Speaker 4: at some point in time you got to handle it right.

1005
00:58:13,600 --> 00:58:15,760
Speaker 4: But I got to give you some of the knowledge

1006
00:58:15,800 --> 00:58:17,680
Speaker 4: on how to handle it, and then some of your

1007
00:58:17,720 --> 00:58:20,600
Speaker 4: experience is gonna help you handle it your weight the

1008
00:58:20,600 --> 00:58:23,240
Speaker 4: way that you want to handle it too. So I

1009
00:58:23,280 --> 00:58:25,960
Speaker 4: think that's the key. That's the key, all right.

1010
00:58:26,000 --> 00:58:27,480
Speaker 1: I know you gotta go back to work, so I'm

1011
00:58:27,520 --> 00:58:29,560
Speaker 1: not gonna keep you too much longer. But can I

1012
00:58:29,600 --> 00:58:30,960
Speaker 1: ask you to do something please?

1013
00:58:32,360 --> 00:58:34,040
Speaker 4: What is it? Sure?

1014
00:58:34,480 --> 00:58:38,120
Speaker 1: So, David, I want you to do exactly what you

1015
00:58:38,240 --> 00:58:41,560
Speaker 1: just said, like do all the little things, do them daily,

1016
00:58:42,200 --> 00:58:45,520
Speaker 1: because I think you're absolutely right, Like she needs to

1017
00:58:45,600 --> 00:58:50,360
Speaker 1: see this happening daily to have an impact. Yes, But

1018
00:58:50,480 --> 00:58:53,240
Speaker 1: the other thing I want you to do, I want

1019
00:58:53,280 --> 00:58:57,640
Speaker 1: you to pay attention to the boys and Jay. Now,

1020
00:58:57,760 --> 00:58:59,840
Speaker 1: none of them may just come out and say, you know,

1021
00:59:00,040 --> 00:59:03,480
Speaker 1: hey Dad, I see it, or hey David, I see it,

1022
00:59:04,080 --> 00:59:07,560
Speaker 1: but they're gonna do things that give you a clue

1023
00:59:08,520 --> 00:59:13,120
Speaker 1: that they see it. Their moods will change, their energy

1024
00:59:13,120 --> 00:59:16,520
Speaker 1: will change. Like you said, Jaye didn't wake up negative like,

1025
00:59:17,000 --> 00:59:21,000
Speaker 1: I want you to notice the smallest clues possible that

1026
00:59:21,200 --> 00:59:24,200
Speaker 1: they're noticing what you're doing. Does that make sense, okay?

1027
00:59:25,440 --> 00:59:26,480
Speaker 4: Yeah?

1028
00:59:26,520 --> 00:59:30,920
Speaker 1: And then I also want you to notice you. I

1029
00:59:30,960 --> 00:59:34,000
Speaker 1: want you to notice the difference it is making to

1030
00:59:34,240 --> 00:59:38,280
Speaker 1: David to be pouring himself into his family.

1031
00:59:38,960 --> 00:59:39,360
Speaker 4: Mm hmm.

1032
00:59:40,320 --> 00:59:43,520
Speaker 1: It was incredibly touching, David to listen to you talk

1033
00:59:44,320 --> 00:59:50,680
Speaker 1: about the impact you want to have on your boys. Yeah, man, David,

1034
00:59:50,720 --> 00:59:52,880
Speaker 1: I know you're really busy in the middle of your workday. Man,

1035
00:59:52,920 --> 00:59:56,160
Speaker 1: but I really appreciate you taking some time to chat. Man.

1036
00:59:56,200 --> 00:59:58,520
Speaker 1: I really enjoy chatting with you.

1037
00:59:58,600 --> 01:00:01,560
Speaker 4: Yeah, me too, Me too. No worries, man, no worries,

1038
01:00:01,600 --> 01:00:04,360
Speaker 4: no matter, I ain't listening the session session.

1039
01:00:04,120 --> 01:00:09,680
Speaker 1: Session say, David is learning that small obstacles, when you

1040
01:00:09,880 --> 01:00:13,720
Speaker 1: focus on them, can block you from making positive change

1041
01:00:13,760 --> 01:00:16,240
Speaker 1: in your life. So part of this journey is to

1042
01:00:16,240 --> 01:00:20,919
Speaker 1: help David focus on things other than the obstacles, such

1043
01:00:20,960 --> 01:00:23,080
Speaker 1: as who he used to be in the past as

1044
01:00:23,080 --> 01:00:32,520
Speaker 1: he accomplished amazing things. I think the best way that

1045
01:00:32,600 --> 01:00:35,040
Speaker 1: I could say how clients and people should feel about

1046
01:00:35,120 --> 01:00:38,720
Speaker 1: change is to understand it's always happening. I think we

1047
01:00:38,800 --> 01:00:43,800
Speaker 1: get focused on the outcome and not focus on change itself.

1048
01:00:44,360 --> 01:00:47,880
Speaker 1: It's nearly impossible to stay the same. So if you

1049
01:00:48,040 --> 01:00:51,760
Speaker 1: just shift your focus to what is changing, and specifically

1050
01:00:51,800 --> 01:00:55,240
Speaker 1: what about those changes are you pleased with, then you

1051
01:00:55,520 --> 01:00:58,960
Speaker 1: make change inevitable and you stay hopeful about the process

1052
01:00:59,000 --> 01:01:05,160
Speaker 1: of change change. This is not just a podcast that

1053
01:01:05,240 --> 01:01:08,200
Speaker 1: I want you to consume and be entertained by. I

1054
01:01:08,240 --> 01:01:10,840
Speaker 1: actually want you to be inspired. I want you to

1055
01:01:10,840 --> 01:01:14,320
Speaker 1: be impacted by this, and in fact, we can't help

1056
01:01:14,400 --> 01:01:17,680
Speaker 1: but be impacted by the content we consume. So what

1057
01:01:17,680 --> 01:01:19,520
Speaker 1: I would like for you to do is come on

1058
01:01:19,560 --> 01:01:22,600
Speaker 1: this healing journey with us. Come on this journey of

1059
01:01:22,800 --> 01:01:26,960
Speaker 1: change rediscovery with us. And the way to do that

1060
01:01:27,200 --> 01:01:30,280
Speaker 1: is to just pay attention to the things going on

1061
01:01:30,400 --> 01:01:34,160
Speaker 1: in your life as a consequence of listening to this podcast.

1062
01:01:34,320 --> 01:01:36,920
Speaker 1: Pay attention to things in your life shifting in a

1063
01:01:36,960 --> 01:01:40,840
Speaker 1: more desirable way. Pay attention to your desirable outcome becoming

1064
01:01:40,880 --> 01:01:45,080
Speaker 1: your reality. Pay attention to evidence of your success, your resilience,

1065
01:01:45,280 --> 01:01:48,120
Speaker 1: and your strength. And let us know in the comments

1066
01:01:48,440 --> 01:01:51,160
Speaker 1: what you're noticing in your life as a result of

1067
01:01:51,200 --> 01:01:53,880
Speaker 1: listening to this podcast and as a result of paying

1068
01:01:53,880 --> 01:01:57,040
Speaker 1: attention to these things I would love to hear from

1069
01:01:57,040 --> 01:02:00,640
Speaker 1: you about your healing journey, your family, and your feedback.

1070
01:02:00,800 --> 01:02:03,120
Speaker 1: Leave a review, send a DM, connect with me on

1071
01:02:03,160 --> 01:02:05,840
Speaker 1: socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also send me

1072
01:02:05,880 --> 01:02:08,320
Speaker 1: a text message to nine seven two four two six

1073
01:02:08,480 --> 01:02:12,000
Speaker 1: two six four zero. Family Therapy is a production of

1074
01:02:12,120 --> 01:02:15,720
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network special thanks to

1075
01:02:15,720 --> 01:02:19,400
Speaker 1: our assistant Glendale Sepe. It's produced by Jack Queis Thomas

1076
01:02:19,520 --> 01:02:23,600
Speaker 1: and the executive producer Dolly s. Fisham. For more podcasts

1077
01:02:23,600 --> 01:02:26,840
Speaker 1: from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio app or wherever

1078
01:02:26,880 --> 01:02:30,600
Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows. The content presented on

1079
01:02:30,640 --> 01:02:34,320
Speaker 1: the Family Therapy podcast serves solely for educational and informational purposes.

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Speaker 1: It should not be considered a replacement for personalized medical

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Speaker 1: or mental health guidance and does not constitute a provider

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Speaker 1: patient relationship. It is advisable to consult with your healthcare

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Speaker 1: provider or health team or any specific concerns or questions

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Speaker 1: you may have.