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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Anny and Samantha, and welcome to stuff

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Speaker 1: I've never told you production by heart to you, and.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to another Monday mini where I look up things

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Speaker 2: that are wrong with me. You're welcome. Essentially, if you've

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Speaker 2: been around for a while listening for a minute, you

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Speaker 2: probably already know. When it comes to birthdays, Annie and

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Speaker 2: I have a hard time, especially with the celebrations in general.

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Speaker 2: Of course, her and my reasons vary, but I did

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Speaker 2: wonder if this could be something that is pretty common. Yes,

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Speaker 2: my birthday is coming up soon. We just passed Annie's birthday.

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Speaker 2: This is like birthday season because our super producer Maya's

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Speaker 2: birthdays are up to so so many things are happening. Then,

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Speaker 2: all my partner's family's birthdays is around this corner too,

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Speaker 2: and my mom. Man, there's so many birthdays. The most

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Speaker 2: common birthday someone noted with September ninth.

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Speaker 3: My older brother's birthday is September ninth.

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Speaker 2: So yeah, September ninth is the most common birthday, which

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Speaker 2: sounds about right. I'm pretty sure this is all like

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Speaker 2: the New Year celebration for everybody. Awkward and with all that, yes,

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Speaker 2: it is actually pretty common. This occurrence of not wanting

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Speaker 2: to celebrate birthdays or being sad. In fact, it gets

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Speaker 2: its own title as they call it birthday depression, surprise,

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Speaker 2: or the birthday blues, which sounds better to me. It

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Speaker 2: is not a DSM five diagnosis, so don't think that,

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Speaker 2: but it is common enough that people have kind of

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Speaker 2: like classified this and have written a lot about it.

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Speaker 2: So here's a bit from verywellmined dot com quote. Birthday

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Speaker 2: depression or the birthday blues refers to feeling sad, apathetic,

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Speaker 2: or disinterested in celebrating or thinking about your birthday. In

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Speaker 2: addition to experiencing sadness, birthday depression can also include a

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Speaker 2: sense of low energy or focusing on the past, including

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Speaker 2: everything you may or may not have accomplished so far.

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Speaker 2: These feelings may arise in the days leading up to

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Speaker 2: a person's birthday, on the actual day, and for some

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Speaker 2: time after as well, so it never ends. Just kidding, So,

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Speaker 2: of course, there are several reasons why this occurs. Of course,

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Speaker 2: depression and anxiety just in general can be it in itself,

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Speaker 2: but also it can be related to family stuff well

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Speaker 2: or childhood trauma. I think we all know this, but

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Speaker 2: here are some symptoms just in case you needed some,

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Speaker 2: and they are very specific, again from very well mined

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Speaker 2: dot com. Symptoms include a change in your mood that

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Speaker 2: persists and lasts for several days surrounding your birthday. Feeling

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Speaker 2: more low down or sad than usual, crying more often

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Speaker 2: than usual, ruminating on the past and goals that accomplished again,

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Speaker 2: stressed about how much time you have left to live,

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Speaker 2: not having much energy or motivation to do things, lack

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Speaker 2: of interest in doing what you typically enjoy, changes in sleep,

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Speaker 2: changes is an appetite, difficulty focusing on or concentrating physical

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Speaker 2: aids or pains. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. I've

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Speaker 2: been in a lot of pain. Little wanting to avoid

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Speaker 2: the actual day of your birth and disinterest in celebrating

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Speaker 2: your birthday, rejecting or refusing plans, desire to isolate yourself. Yes,

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Speaker 2: and I found this quote from a Refinering twenty nine

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Speaker 2: article that's honestly really relatable. Says. While there hasn't been

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Speaker 2: much research into birthday depressions, specifically anecdotally, the birthday blues

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Speaker 2: are becoming a common feeling that people experience each year.

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Speaker 2: Ella thirty tells us about her own birthday depression. She says.

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Speaker 2: Social media really affects me. I see people making birthday

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Speaker 2: post claiming it's their birthday week, people who are spoilt

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Speaker 2: all week by their friends and family. I get depressed

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Speaker 2: because I don't get that, she shares. But when I

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Speaker 2: do get spoiled, I feel like I don't deserve it.

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Speaker 2: So I tend to not want to make my birthday

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Speaker 2: a thing, even though deep inside I think I do.

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Speaker 2: Beth thirty one has similar sentiments. I feel behind on

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Speaker 2: life's plans, or at least what is expected to be

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Speaker 2: achieved by certain she says, and she's not alone. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: and I think we've talked about this situation specifically many times,

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Speaker 2: not just related to birthdays. But I can see that

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Speaker 2: being a concern. So for me, I feel the same way.

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Speaker 2: I feel like, if you don't celebrate my birthday, it

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Speaker 2: kind of hurts my feelings because I feel like you've

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Speaker 2: forgotten about me. But if you do celebrate my birthday,

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Speaker 2: it feels overwhelming and I don't want that attention. So

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Speaker 2: I have this like complex relationship with it that I

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Speaker 2: want to be noticed, but I don't. I think it's

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Speaker 2: the same thing when we talked about being a part

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Speaker 2: of a podcast where we talk a lot about ourselves

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Speaker 2: or the issues around and then we are seen as

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Speaker 2: not experts necessarily, but people who do know and should

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Speaker 2: know certain things. And so if we don't meet that,

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Speaker 2: you know, we feel like we felt. But it's one

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Speaker 2: of those things like, yes, I want to be seen

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Speaker 2: as a somewhat expert, but I also don't want to

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Speaker 2: be seen I want to do this that I don't

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Speaker 2: want people to recognize me. Like all of these things

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Speaker 2: are both both one and the same, And I feel

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Speaker 2: like this is how I feel in celebrating birthdays in holidays.

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Speaker 2: It feels like it should be something and I can't

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Speaker 2: get to that something. But if it's not done for me,

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Speaker 2: it hurts my feelings. If you forgot about my birthday,

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Speaker 2: I I'd be sad. If you send me a fruit plate,

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Speaker 2: I'm gonna be sad. But if you didn't see me, yeah,

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Speaker 2: a specific incentate you see me a dry fruit that is.

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Speaker 2: But you're supposed to know me and you don't know me.

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Speaker 2: I'm like why. So there's a lot of things. So

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Speaker 2: the article goes on to explain about this a little more.

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Speaker 2: People who get down on their birthday might be confronting

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Speaker 2: fears of getting older and facing their own mortality kings

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Speaker 2: as a psychologist. For others, it could prompt a reflection

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Speaker 2: on unrealized hopes, vanished expectations, and past failures. People might

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Speaker 2: feel like they're not where they thought they would be

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Speaker 2: or wanted to be at the stage of life. People

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Speaker 2: might also feel overwhelmed by the pressure to feel happy

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Speaker 2: and joyful on this day that is routinely dedicated to celebrations,

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Speaker 2: at least in Western cultures. For some people, it might

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Speaker 2: also activate traumatic memories, particularly if birthdays are a reminder

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Speaker 2: of sad overwhelming our tragic experiences. And yeah, that's exactly

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Speaker 2: one of those things of like I don't necessarily think

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Speaker 2: about the mortality of it all, Like I have gotten

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Speaker 2: more like, oh I'm getting old, But birthdays are not

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Speaker 2: the thing. It's just more of like, oh, look at

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Speaker 2: all the gray hairs, or oh my face is saggy,

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Speaker 2: or oh my god, I've reacted to retinal in a

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Speaker 2: really bad way and my face is now puffy. Those

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Speaker 2: moments not necessarily birthdays. But then the other parts of

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Speaker 2: that of like I should be celebrating. I love the

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Speaker 2: people who love their birthdays it is so fun to

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Speaker 2: watch them really excited and really enjoying their birthday. It

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Speaker 2: also is nice when you know people will really remind

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Speaker 2: you like that means you're alive. Celebrate that, you know,

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Speaker 2: And there's moments of like, yeah, yeah, I wish I

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Speaker 2: was that person that could feel that way and it's

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Speaker 2: not something. And again it's one of those moments of like,

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Speaker 2: you really try to push yourself because you feel like

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Speaker 2: you should feel a certain way, but you really have

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Speaker 2: a hard time with that because now you have this

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Speaker 2: double layer of guilt. In another conversation, they talked about

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Speaker 2: maybe it's because I'm an introvert. Maybe it's an introverted thing.

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Speaker 2: So here's some thoughts about why introverts may hate their birthdays.

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Speaker 2: According to introvert Dear dot com thank you to that person.

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Speaker 2: One is that they get too much attention. This one's

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Speaker 2: a no brainer. They right. Most introverts don't like being

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Speaker 2: the center of attention, so having an entire day dedicated

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Speaker 2: to them can be quite uncomfortable. It is especially tough

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Speaker 2: when they're put on display in front of a lot

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Speaker 2: of people anxiously waiting to see their reactions while opening

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Speaker 2: gifts or making a wish and blowing out the candles

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Speaker 2: to the tune of Happy Birthday. I and I say

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Speaker 2: this because I love people opening gifts from me, But

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Speaker 2: I have a hard time opening gifts because no matter what,

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Speaker 2: there's like dread of how I'm supposed to act, and

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Speaker 2: if it doesn't meet my expectations, sometimes I get a

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Speaker 2: little overwhelmed and get very sleepy. We know this is

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Speaker 2: how I react emotionally. So I'm like, I don't know

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Speaker 2: what to do right now, and people are really really excited,

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Speaker 2: especially when they're excited, and I'm so bad. I'm that

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Speaker 2: person that gets excited about giving certain kids cause I'm like,

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Speaker 2: I couldn't really love this, And then I'm like, oh no,

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Speaker 2: I need to calm down because they might not really

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Speaker 2: love this, you know, like that moment because I'm the

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Speaker 2: same way. Then there's the whole idea of the social

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Speaker 2: exhaustion of a party. Yeah, after my last big party,

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Speaker 2: I quit because it was so overwhelming. I felt like

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Speaker 2: I had failed in being in throwing a party and

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Speaker 2: it was for my own damn birthday, and I was like,

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Speaker 2: I'll never do this again. Why did I do this?

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Speaker 2: They write, and when we throw a party, we might

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Speaker 2: end up feeling anxious and worrying if everyone is having fun.

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Speaker 2: It's our party, so we feel the pressure and responsibility

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Speaker 2: to be a good host and ensure everyone is enjoying themselves,

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Speaker 2: but in the process we sometimes forget to have a

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Speaker 2: good time ourselves. There are definitely moments when I see

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Speaker 2: people unhappy and it feels like a reflection of me

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Speaker 2: and our friendship, and that feel awful. Like this is

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Speaker 2: where I'm like, oh my god, oh my god, oh

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Speaker 2: my god, why did I do this to myself? And

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Speaker 2: I really thought because I used to love hosting things

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Speaker 2: a lot, but for my birthday, it felt overwhelming. And

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Speaker 2: that was one of those moments of like, and this

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Speaker 2: was pre pandemic of like tripping into don't I don't

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Speaker 2: think I like this. I don't like this feeling of

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Speaker 2: being responsible. And if I see someone not having a

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Speaker 2: good time or feeling like they're isolated, oh my god, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I'll think about that. I still think about those moments.

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Speaker 2: I still think about specific moments from that birthday party.

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Speaker 2: They're like, I'll never do this again. And then there's

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Speaker 2: another one, the pressure to make it a special day. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: And they talked about the pressure from others to make

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Speaker 2: it a special day can be too much, and I

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Speaker 2: think that's too Like I put that pressure on myself,

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Speaker 2: but then I also put that pressure on other people.

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Speaker 2: If they don't meet that, I feel really disappointed. What

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Speaker 2: the hell? Yeah, So I also love that they go

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Speaker 2: on to talk about how they don't necessarily hate all birthdays,

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Speaker 2: is they just don't like their own. Yep, and I

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Speaker 2: am that person. I love celebrating other people and I

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Speaker 2: will do it as best I can in the way

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Speaker 2: that they want to do it. But I need to

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Speaker 2: celebrate you, whether it's just me and you going to

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Speaker 2: your favorite restaurant, whether it's me and you having this

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Speaker 2: one like trip, whether it's me give buying you something

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Speaker 2: that you wanted for like forever, like it needs. I

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Speaker 2: need to celebrate your birthday. But for me to do

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Speaker 2: it on my own, it feels really overall overwhelming and like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: feeling like it's going to be too much for people,

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Speaker 2: or that I'm going to disappoint people, or that I'm

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Speaker 2: going to be disappointed myself, and like there's so many

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Speaker 2: things in that. And yeah, there are things that these

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Speaker 2: articles say that you can do. Here's a bit from

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Speaker 2: the Refinery twenty nine article Get reflective. Try to understand

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Speaker 2: why you feel the way you feel, like, be okay

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Speaker 2: in your feelings, kind of analyze a little bit, try

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Speaker 2: to see where that route comes from. If you can,

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Speaker 2: if it's not too traumatic, be careful of that. Practice

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Speaker 2: self compassion, do the things that you want to do.

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Speaker 2: Give yourself allowance to not celebrate if you don't want to,

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Speaker 2: to just be a day or just do something that's

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Speaker 2: so different that you don't have to think about it.

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Speaker 2: Like a couple of years ago, any we went on

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Speaker 2: that cabin trip. It was actually really lovely and all

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Speaker 2: we did was sit around with the three of us

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Speaker 2: playing games and eating schnittle. Yeah, we went to Helen. Y'all, Helen, Georgia.

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Speaker 2: If you know, you know, lower your expectation, stop pressuring

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Speaker 2: yourself or others to meet a certain ideal or standard.

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Speaker 2: And I think this is why I started traveling more

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Speaker 2: for birthdays, because you can't really control everything, so you

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Speaker 2: don't know exactly what to expect, so you just let

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Speaker 2: it be. And that's kind of like that's that being

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Speaker 2: a part of that, And I kind of control enough

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Speaker 2: to know the destination I want to go, but I

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Speaker 2: don't know what all it's going to be there, and

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Speaker 2: just kind of letting that time fly and knowing that

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Speaker 2: sometimes doing too much gets me tired, so being able

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Speaker 2: to enjoy a nice hotel room. It's also really good

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Speaker 2: be honest, let others know what you're thinking or what

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Speaker 2: you do or don't want. And I think that's a

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Speaker 2: big part. Sometimes I just don't though I don't know,

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Speaker 2: and that's that part of the conversation, Like I don't

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Speaker 2: know what I want to do again, you and I've

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Speaker 2: talked about this. Sometimes one of the things I do

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Speaker 2: want is not to plan it. Yeah, and that's hard

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Speaker 2: to figure out how to do that. Then you do

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Speaker 2: want to do something, you just don't know what and

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Speaker 2: you don't want to be the one to plan it.

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Speaker 2: And then it says, give yourself permission to feel good.

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Speaker 2: It's okay to be happy and be with who you love.

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Speaker 2: So just really like, it's okay, do what makes you happy.

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Speaker 2: Do something that you like, whether it is just hanging

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Speaker 2: out with your dog, eating a piece of cake from

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Speaker 2: Whole Foods. You do you if that makes you happy,

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Speaker 2: if you makes you happy, to go to a drag

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Speaker 2: show to play bingo. Do that, you know, hang out

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Speaker 2: with a favorite friends and just have some drinks and

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Speaker 2: sit around. That's lovely. And then there's one more that

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Speaker 2: I found from very well mined celebrate however you feel comfortable.

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Speaker 2: This is about you do what you want. And again, like,

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Speaker 2: this is finding your levels, your comfort levels, and abiding

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Speaker 2: by them. Don't let other people take over and do

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Speaker 2: things that you were uncomfortable with. Having a surprise party,

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Speaker 2: I would kill somebody. You better let me know we're

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Speaker 2: having a party, and then you better let me know

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Speaker 2: what to expect, because if not, we're gonna fight. I

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Speaker 2: have not get with surprise parties. I had one thrown

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Speaker 2: from me when I got my citizenship in middle school,

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Speaker 2: and my best friend at the time knew I was

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Speaker 2: going to start crying if I walked in, because not

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Speaker 2: only was it embarrassing, it felt very othering, like they're

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Speaker 2: trying to celebrate and it was such a sweet idea,

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Speaker 2: but I'm like, hey, wait, not only am I not?

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Speaker 2: Am I the only non white person here? You're going

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Speaker 2: to celebrate something that is kind of alienating because I'm

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Speaker 2: the only non white person here. So like, but it

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Speaker 2: was such a sweet thought, just a little bit like misdirected.

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Speaker 2: So my friend at the time was like, Hey, I'm

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Speaker 2: gonna give your heads up. They're about to do a

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Speaker 2: surprise party, a surprise I know you're going to freak out,

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Speaker 2: like yes, I needed that.

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Speaker 3: Thank you good friends, And I know she.

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Speaker 2: Was like, I got you.

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Speaker 3: Don't cry.

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Speaker 2: So with all of that, all of this complaining and

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Speaker 2: all of these thoughts, it is sometimes nice to see

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Speaker 2: that I'm not the only one. And I think we

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Speaker 2: both feel like sometimes we are too much in our

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Speaker 2: heads when it comes to celebrating birthdays and trying to

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Speaker 2: figure out why this is such a problem, and then

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Speaker 2: feeling really bad for other people to have to deal

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Speaker 2: with our problems. It's nice to see that we're not

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Speaker 2: the only ones. That people are talking about this a

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Speaker 2: little more, and at the very least like not necessarily

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Speaker 2: encouraging it or trying to like make it bigger, just

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Speaker 2: like being able to be like, Okay, I see it

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Speaker 2: can it can be. It could be different for different people.

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Speaker 2: Different people I have different reactions, and there's no such

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Speaker 2: thing as a norm when it comes to birthdays and

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Speaker 2: celebrations and all of that. Being told that they're happy

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Speaker 2: you're here is lovely. I love you know. When people

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Speaker 2: tell me happy birthday, I feel so great. At the

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Speaker 2: same time, it does feel like are you so to

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Speaker 2: Like it's just out of a courtesy because I love

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Speaker 2: the Facebook. When I get messages from people I have

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Speaker 2: not talked to you in ten years happy birthday, I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 2: but you what?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, it's interesting the text message too, because like, I'm

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Speaker 4: a very equal opportunity texter. If you text me, I'll

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Speaker 4: text you right right, Happy Birthday. This year, I got

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Speaker 4: some out of left field people I haven't heard from

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Speaker 4: in a while texting me, and I was like, where's

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Speaker 4: this coming?

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Speaker 2: Feels awkward. What's even more awkward is when I don't

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Speaker 2: have their phone number and I don't know if they

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Speaker 2: are and I'm like, oh no, who is this?

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Speaker 3: Yes, well I was on the other end of that once.

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Speaker 4: I texted at someone I considered close and I was like,

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Speaker 4: happy birthday, and she's like, thanks, who is.

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Speaker 3: Awkward? I never texted her Happy birthday again.

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Speaker 2: That was actually one of the things on the list

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Speaker 2: about like my introverse don't want introvers don't like about

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Speaker 2: their birthday. It was about their phone calls. I didn't

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Speaker 2: think it was a big deal but apparently could be.

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Speaker 2: But yes, with all of that and through our listeners,

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Speaker 2: who says happy birthday to us, thank you so much,

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Speaker 2: it is like, really does kind because we do feel

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Speaker 2: like this is not the same thing as when I

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Speaker 2: talk about the Facebook things. You know us, you know

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Speaker 2: who we are, and you sincerely wishing us a happy

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Speaker 2: birthday is always a feel good moment. And you've got

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Speaker 2: so many happy birthdays and likes on your pictures because

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Speaker 2: you're so cute anyway, But yes, this year again, in

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Speaker 2: order to take control of my own birthday doing things

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Speaker 2: that I do love, we are I am heading to Seattle,

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Speaker 2: So we're going to be in Seattle, going to Mountaineer

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Speaker 2: for a couple of days because I want to see

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Speaker 2: the mountains. I love the mountains. And then I'm going

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Speaker 2: to see my friend in Portland for a day, excited

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Speaker 2: to see them. They come to Atlanta a lot, but

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Speaker 2: I get the first time I get to see them there.

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Speaker 2: And we're gonna hopefully again look at some mountains, eat

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Speaker 2: delicious food with people I love, including Annie, who is

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Speaker 2: so excited about our birthday, but more so excited about

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Speaker 2: the last of us day.

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Speaker 3: Y'all look if you want pressure taking off of your birthday.

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Speaker 2: And I actually really loved it. I was like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: look alone. So with that, I know Annie has actually

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Speaker 2: gotten some suggestions from Savor because a lot of the

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Speaker 2: people like food.

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Speaker 3: I got you.

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Speaker 2: So if you have any suggestions for us, please send

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Speaker 2: it because we need more suggestions. I do have birthday

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Speaker 2: plans already because I found a restaurant that's reminiscent of

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Speaker 2: an Italian area that I went to and I was

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Speaker 2: so excited about it. I hope they have some of

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Speaker 2: the similar foods that I ate there. But yes, send

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Speaker 2: us your suggestions places that we should go, things that

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Speaker 2: we should see. We need this, We would love those recommendations. Uh,

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Speaker 2: you know good coffee. Good coffee is always always exciting

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Speaker 2: about that. You know, anything good? Let us know, because yes,

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Speaker 2: this is how I'm celebriting birthday. I'm really excited about

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Speaker 2: the strip. Is the first time I've ever been to Seattle.

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Speaker 2: Yeah it's first time for you too.

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Speaker 4: Right, Yeah, yeah, I've wanted to go for a very

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Speaker 4: very long time.

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Speaker 2: Pre last of us, pre last of us yeah right,

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Speaker 2: just kidding. Yeah, we try to find a hotel that

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Speaker 2: we do get to see some of the last of

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Speaker 2: us shots, so hopefully we see a little bit of it.

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Speaker 4: I haven't I haven't updated you on my like oh no,

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Speaker 4: itinerary that I'm going to try to do before you

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Speaker 4: wake up.

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Speaker 2: But that's funny. I'm excited.

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Speaker 4: I'm going to that damn theater and I might have

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Speaker 4: found some very interesting plans to make it work.

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Speaker 3: But I will be there.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, So if you have any suggestions, please let us know.

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Speaker 2: If you're around, maybe we you know, come and say

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Speaker 2: hey if you see us.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, this will be the last week of September.

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Speaker 4: We will be there. So yeah, if you have any suggestions,

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Speaker 4: they would be much appreciated because it's always nice to

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Speaker 4: hear from people who live there and like no know

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Speaker 4: the stuff. And also if you have thoughts about this,

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Speaker 4: if you have similar experiences, please write in and let

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Speaker 4: us know. You can email us The stuff in the

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Speaker 4: Amoul Stuff at iHeartMedia dot com. You can find us

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Speaker 4: on Twitter at my Stuff podcast, or on Instagram and

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Speaker 4: TikTok at stuff We've Never told You.

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Speaker 3: We're also on YouTube.

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Speaker 4: We have a t popbook store, and we have a

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Speaker 4: book you can get wherever you get your books. Thanks

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Speaker 4: as always to our super producer Christina, our executive producer

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Speaker 4: and our contributor Joey.

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Speaker 3: Thank you and thanks to you for listening. Step On

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Speaker 3: Ever Told You. Distrection of I Heart Radio four podcasts

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Speaker 3: on my Heart Radio.

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Speaker 4: You can check out the I Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

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Speaker 4: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.