WEBVTT - Jay Shetty Reveals His Highly Anticipated Rules of Love 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:02.720 Hey, fam, I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the 0:00:02.759 --> 0:00:06.080 Red Table Talk Podcast, all your favorite episodes from the 0:00:06.120 --> 0:00:10.239 Facebook Watch show in audio produced by Westbrook Audio and 0:00:10.360 --> 0:00:13.360 I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review 0:00:13.680 --> 0:00:17.680 on Apple Podcasts. The eight Rules of Love, Ja Shetty 0:00:17.760 --> 0:00:21.720 says you must know. Say it again is highly anticipated. 0:00:21.760 --> 0:00:32.840 Findings are revealed now on this exclusive Red Table Talk. 0:00:35.600 --> 0:00:41.159 I'm very excited about I'm so glad you. Yeah, this 0:00:41.360 --> 0:00:46.479 was like home. You blessed the table so many times. 0:00:46.920 --> 0:00:49.960 So grateful you you blessed me of the opportunity. All right, 0:00:50.880 --> 0:00:54.240 So these are the facts we learned math, how to read. 0:00:54.520 --> 0:00:57.320 We even learn about the birds and the bees. But 0:00:57.560 --> 0:01:01.680 no one teaches us how to love. But now are 0:01:01.960 --> 0:01:06.000 very very dear friend and wisdom spreader Ja Shetty hopes 0:01:06.040 --> 0:01:10.200 to change all of that. Ja Shetty, whose mission of 0:01:10.240 --> 0:01:13.919 making wisdom go viral has taken the world by storm. 0:01:14.040 --> 0:01:17.040 This former monk is now a number one best selling author, 0:01:17.240 --> 0:01:20.160 hosts the number one health podcast, and as a social 0:01:20.200 --> 0:01:27.120 media following of more than fifty million welcome storyteller. His 0:01:27.200 --> 0:01:31.640 powerful message uses modern science and ancient wisdom. J has 0:01:31.680 --> 0:01:35.160 become a trusted advisor to countless people, including many celebrities 0:01:35.200 --> 0:01:39.440 like Alicia Keys, Jennifer Lopez, and John Legend. Now he's 0:01:39.480 --> 0:01:42.880 revealing his highly anticipated Eight Rules of Love in his 0:01:42.959 --> 0:01:46.000 brand new book, Sure to Become a go to guide. 0:01:46.800 --> 0:01:51.120 I'm loving this book. Let me tell you about this book. 0:01:51.320 --> 0:01:55.360 You had me at hello from the first paragraph the 0:01:55.480 --> 0:01:58.120 difference between life and love. I started to realize that 0:01:58.160 --> 0:02:01.600 there were so many different ways of breaking down love. 0:02:02.200 --> 0:02:04.760 And I was having so many conversations with so many 0:02:04.760 --> 0:02:09.040 different people where they felt incomplete because they didn't have love. 0:02:09.320 --> 0:02:12.400 The lack of love seemed to be the greatest pain 0:02:12.440 --> 0:02:16.600 point in everyone I was talking to. I don't feel love, 0:02:16.720 --> 0:02:19.080 I don't have love. I don't know how to love. 0:02:19.480 --> 0:02:21.400 You can find people in all stages of life, no 0:02:21.440 --> 0:02:24.200 matter whether they were winning or losing or whatever, love 0:02:24.320 --> 0:02:26.800 was the core thing that was causing them pain. So 0:02:26.840 --> 0:02:28.840 I was like, how can we not write about the 0:02:29.040 --> 0:02:33.720 thing that we spend our whole life searching for? So 0:02:34.080 --> 0:02:37.360 I want to start with the ashrams. You have four 0:02:37.480 --> 0:02:41.080 of them? Can you break that down? Yes, definitely, so 0:02:41.240 --> 0:02:45.040 that four ushrooms are the four stages of love. So 0:02:45.120 --> 0:02:48.000 you said ashraoms, and I always thought in Ashraom was 0:02:48.040 --> 0:02:49.880 the place that you go to kind of just like 0:02:51.160 --> 0:02:54.520 meditate and no God. So you don't have to limit 0:02:55.080 --> 0:02:58.320 the definition and ushram to a physical space. It could 0:02:58.320 --> 0:03:00.920 be an emotional space. It can be a spiritual space 0:03:01.280 --> 0:03:04.480 that can be created without four walls, almost like going 0:03:04.560 --> 0:03:06.960 to church. Correct, you don't have to be in the 0:03:07.080 --> 0:03:12.560 church building exactly right. So the four ushrooms are preparing 0:03:12.600 --> 0:03:20.000 for love, practicing love, protecting love, and perfecting love. And 0:03:20.040 --> 0:03:22.200 these are the four stages we all go through. We 0:03:22.240 --> 0:03:24.840 start life single. You don't start life as a couple 0:03:25.320 --> 0:03:27.799 with someone else. You start out single, and that's your 0:03:27.880 --> 0:03:30.440 chance to prepare for love. But most of us speed 0:03:30.480 --> 0:03:32.440 that part up. We don't want to prepare. We just 0:03:32.440 --> 0:03:35.040 want to get into a relationship. Then when we get 0:03:35.040 --> 0:03:38.200 into a relationship, which is the second stage, we don't 0:03:38.240 --> 0:03:41.520 think that we need to learn anything. We expect the 0:03:41.520 --> 0:03:44.440 other person to already know how to love us, and 0:03:44.560 --> 0:03:46.880 we expect we should already know how to love them, 0:03:47.360 --> 0:03:49.520 and we don't. We don't practice. We just think we 0:03:49.560 --> 0:03:52.720 already made it. Yes, And then the third step is 0:03:52.760 --> 0:03:54.880 protecting love. This is such an interesting one. It took 0:03:54.880 --> 0:03:58.040 me the longest to uncover this one. And I realized 0:03:58.080 --> 0:04:02.160 that that third stage was ning to protect yourself from 0:04:02.200 --> 0:04:05.520 the wounds that come from trying to love and failing. 0:04:06.480 --> 0:04:08.560 And so by that stage, we all start believing love 0:04:08.600 --> 0:04:11.960 doesn't exist. Love is not for me. I'm not worthy 0:04:11.960 --> 0:04:15.200 of love. Love failed me. But love is real. We 0:04:15.320 --> 0:04:20.200 just experienced something that wasn't love. And the final is perfecting, 0:04:20.839 --> 0:04:24.039 which is probably my favorite thing to talk about. It's 0:04:24.080 --> 0:04:27.360 this idea that we've put romantic love on a pedestal, 0:04:29.120 --> 0:04:35.000 and I think, again, I really believe you've put romantic 0:04:35.040 --> 0:04:38.640 love on a pedestal. We've created a hierarchy that says 0:04:38.720 --> 0:04:44.160 loving a romantic partner is the epitome of love, and 0:04:44.279 --> 0:04:47.440 that I know so many people who have a beautiful 0:04:47.480 --> 0:04:51.400 relationship with their children, but they feel incomplete because they 0:04:51.440 --> 0:04:54.680 don't have that with a partner. And so I want 0:04:54.720 --> 0:04:58.280 to encourage people to realize that let's look at love 0:04:58.520 --> 0:05:04.039 more broadly, more expansively, and more truthfully. So, Jay, let's 0:05:04.080 --> 0:05:08.719 break down your concepts of you know, these four us rams. 0:05:08.760 --> 0:05:12.760 The first one was preparing for love. So give us 0:05:12.800 --> 0:05:17.840 a couple of principles around how we can prepare for love. 0:05:18.560 --> 0:05:24.760 So we've made loneliness or being alone the enemy. So 0:05:24.800 --> 0:05:27.360 if you have a birthday party and not many people 0:05:27.440 --> 0:05:30.680 come over, your unpopular. If you turn up to a 0:05:30.720 --> 0:05:32.600 wedding and you don't have a plus one, it's like, 0:05:32.839 --> 0:05:35.000 oh poor you? Are you okay? Like there must be 0:05:35.040 --> 0:05:37.760 something wrong with you. And so we've made people feel 0:05:37.920 --> 0:05:42.000 that being alone is of lower value than when you're 0:05:42.040 --> 0:05:45.680 with someone. And Paul Tillick talks about how there's two 0:05:45.720 --> 0:05:49.000 words in the English Dictionary that describe being alone, and 0:05:49.040 --> 0:05:52.080 we only use the word loneliness. The other one is solitude, 0:05:52.360 --> 0:05:55.680 and he says, loneliness is the feeling of pain when 0:05:55.680 --> 0:05:59.280 you're alone, and solitude is the strength of being alone. 0:05:59.320 --> 0:06:01.599 It's the super the power of being alone. And so 0:06:02.080 --> 0:06:06.200 when we're preparing for love, we constantly believe that we 0:06:06.279 --> 0:06:11.960 will only be special, worthy, attractive when someone sees it 0:06:12.040 --> 0:06:15.800 in us. And actually the rule is saying, you've got 0:06:15.800 --> 0:06:18.640 to first see it in yourself. You've got to first 0:06:18.680 --> 0:06:21.279 build it in yourself, and being alone gives you the 0:06:21.400 --> 0:06:25.040 time the space to actually do that. When you start 0:06:25.320 --> 0:06:30.039 being with someone romantically, you're now outsourcing the ability to 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:32.839 love yourself. Right. It's funny because I was just talking 0:06:32.839 --> 0:06:37.760 to my girlfriend. She's going through a breakup, and um, 0:06:37.839 --> 0:06:40.800 she hasn't really spent time alone, and I told her, 0:06:41.000 --> 0:06:44.080 taken this time for you. I think it's going to 0:06:44.200 --> 0:06:48.400 build your understanding of how to protect that which you 0:06:48.520 --> 0:06:52.960 find worthy about yourself and understanding what that is. I said, 0:06:52.960 --> 0:06:56.400 if you are constantly afraid of being by yourself, that 0:06:56.640 --> 0:07:01.479 kind of desperation, that secret language unconsciously that sits in 0:07:01.520 --> 0:07:04.279 your head that says I'm not valuable unless I have 0:07:04.360 --> 0:07:07.440 a partner, I said, well, then that's the one that 0:07:07.440 --> 0:07:11.800 that weakens your boundary making. That's the one that doesn't 0:07:11.880 --> 0:07:15.080 make you capable of self love. And so then you're 0:07:15.120 --> 0:07:18.040 just going to continue the cycle. But j is so 0:07:18.160 --> 0:07:22.440 difficult for people to understand. I think that idea of 0:07:22.480 --> 0:07:27.320 self love has been so that kind of overuse new 0:07:27.360 --> 0:07:31.000 age terms that people don't really understand what that is. 0:07:31.040 --> 0:07:34.920 So you're basically saying that solitude gives a person an 0:07:34.920 --> 0:07:38.720 opportunity to know themselves even once they get into a relationship. 0:07:39.400 --> 0:07:43.280 Like I am just turned sixty nine. I still struggle 0:07:43.360 --> 0:07:47.240 a little bit with doing activities by myself. Like not 0:07:47.360 --> 0:07:49.440 too long ago, Rodney and I went on vacation. He 0:07:49.480 --> 0:07:51.920 had to leave before I did. It was just one 0:07:52.000 --> 0:07:55.720 extra day that I insisted on staying. But that meant 0:07:55.800 --> 0:07:59.560 that I had to be there by myself. I had 0:07:59.600 --> 0:08:03.880 to eat my meals alone, and I was perfectly fine. 0:08:03.920 --> 0:08:09.600 I did it, and I would look how old I 0:08:09.600 --> 0:08:15.000 am just getting that's fine. Let me tell you something, Jay, 0:08:16.080 --> 0:08:19.720 That's a gem right there. That one is so important 0:08:20.160 --> 0:08:26.800 when you can sit in your solitude and deal with you, 0:08:26.800 --> 0:08:32.360 look at yourself, heal yourself, embrace yourself, and have to 0:08:32.480 --> 0:08:35.960 learn how to comfort yourself. You know how to learn 0:08:35.960 --> 0:08:38.640 how to be your best friend, how to learn how 0:08:38.679 --> 0:08:42.760 to be your confidante, versus thinking that your partner is 0:08:42.800 --> 0:08:46.560 supposed to be your therapist, your lover, your best friend, 0:08:46.640 --> 0:08:55.000 your daddy, your business partner. And I think that that 0:08:55.200 --> 0:08:59.000 preparation for love is so important in order to step 0:08:59.080 --> 0:09:05.840 into a relationship with more reasonable ideas and expectations of 0:09:06.000 --> 0:09:09.600 what that relationship is supposed to be. So what are 0:09:09.679 --> 0:09:13.920 some of the principles within the second ash ram we're 0:09:13.920 --> 0:09:18.080 talking about practicing lest Yes, this one's probably the most 0:09:18.080 --> 0:09:21.440 complex because I feel like we usually rushed the first one. 0:09:21.640 --> 0:09:23.880 So the actions are almost like levels in a game. 0:09:24.200 --> 0:09:26.640 If you try and skip level one and you can 0:09:26.679 --> 0:09:29.080 cheat your way to level two, life will keep putting 0:09:29.080 --> 0:09:31.840 you back to level one. So that's why, no matter 0:09:31.840 --> 0:09:34.480 how old we get, or how many relationships we've had, 0:09:34.559 --> 0:09:36.520 or how many times we've been married or divorced or 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:38.800 broken up, life is still asking us to learn those 0:09:39.080 --> 0:09:42.840 game game points before we move forward. In the second one, 0:09:43.240 --> 0:09:46.520 you're now moving from dealing with one mind to dealing 0:09:46.520 --> 0:09:51.120 with two minds. Some of my favorite principles from this rule. 0:09:52.040 --> 0:09:57.240 One of them is people deeply understanding the roles they 0:09:57.360 --> 0:10:01.800 played in their last relationship. And we all play one 0:10:01.840 --> 0:10:06.240 of three roles in a relationship. We've either been fixes, 0:10:07.480 --> 0:10:11.520 we've been dependents, or we've been supporters. What have you 0:10:11.600 --> 0:10:15.120 been our three and exactly? You'll find that most of 0:10:15.200 --> 0:10:18.320 us have repeated a role again and again and again. 0:10:18.360 --> 0:10:21.080 So the fixer is I'm going to solve this person. 0:10:21.120 --> 0:10:23.560 I'm looking for a project. I'm looking for someone to 0:10:23.600 --> 0:10:27.440 sort and I get self value and self worth out 0:10:27.440 --> 0:10:33.360 of making something out of you. Dependent, Yes, and then 0:10:33.400 --> 0:10:36.640 the dependent is someone who actually goes I want a parent, 0:10:36.800 --> 0:10:39.120 I want to I just want shelter. You make me 0:10:39.160 --> 0:10:41.840 feel safe, you make me feel taken care of. I'm 0:10:41.840 --> 0:10:45.280 gonna give you the key to my happiness and life. 0:10:45.360 --> 0:10:49.120 That's the dependent and the support to is the healthiest 0:10:49.120 --> 0:10:51.000 out of the three, where it's like, well we're gonna 0:10:51.000 --> 0:10:53.640 support each other, but we remember we're still our own people. 0:10:54.280 --> 0:10:56.480 And so what most people do is when they get 0:10:56.520 --> 0:11:00.920 with someone, they are trying to force their version of 0:11:00.960 --> 0:11:03.640 home with someone else, rather than saying, I want to 0:11:03.640 --> 0:11:06.200 build a home together with bricks I picked from mine 0:11:06.200 --> 0:11:08.959 and bricks you picked from yours. Talk to us a 0:11:09.000 --> 0:11:11.200 little bit about karma. I think a lot of people 0:11:11.240 --> 0:11:14.520 think that karma means every action as a reaction. What 0:11:14.679 --> 0:11:17.920 goes around comes around. There's partly truth in that, but 0:11:18.200 --> 0:11:21.640 that's a very simplistic, surface level view of karma. Karma 0:11:21.720 --> 0:11:25.040 is based cycle that forms, an habit that repeats itself. 0:11:25.679 --> 0:11:29.560 So it's a cycle of I have an idea that 0:11:29.679 --> 0:11:33.359 if I am dependent on someone, they will make me happy. 0:11:34.040 --> 0:11:36.960 Now I find someone who I can be dependent on, 0:11:37.080 --> 0:11:38.920 and I let them do everything in my life and 0:11:38.920 --> 0:11:41.800 I get them to take care of everything. Guess what happens. 0:11:41.920 --> 0:11:46.000 You still feel unfulfilled, and then you're being asked by karma. 0:11:46.200 --> 0:11:50.400 Did I walk into that with the right motive? So 0:11:50.559 --> 0:11:53.440 karma is getting us to check ourselves. It's asking you 0:11:53.480 --> 0:11:56.240 to say, am I happy with why I did that 0:11:56.240 --> 0:12:00.360 in the first place. We actually have a question for you, 0:12:00.559 --> 0:12:06.640 j from Sydney, Australia, Luma, who has a question about 0:12:06.800 --> 0:12:12.560 this very thing. Hi, Jada, Willow, Gammy and ja I 0:12:12.880 --> 0:12:16.960 posted a three months of going through Heartbreak video documenting 0:12:17.000 --> 0:12:20.240 the experience of going through the worst breakup of my life. 0:12:21.240 --> 0:12:23.960 I keep wishing that he'll text me or call me 0:12:24.040 --> 0:12:26.920 and tell me that he misses me. I don't know 0:12:26.960 --> 0:12:29.560 if anyone will ever love me. I don't know if 0:12:29.559 --> 0:12:35.440 it's my fault. Every single part of me wants to 0:12:35.480 --> 0:12:39.160 call him right now. I just felt like it's wrong 0:12:39.200 --> 0:12:41.400 with me, like why how could this person just leave? 0:12:41.760 --> 0:12:44.679 One thing I do still struggle with is the fear 0:12:44.720 --> 0:12:49.600 of history repeating itself and never really fully trusting that 0:12:50.080 --> 0:12:51.960 you know, someone might just stay and not leave me 0:12:52.040 --> 0:12:53.480 like that, And I'm not going to go through this 0:12:53.559 --> 0:12:56.520 kind of heartbreak again. So I wanted to ask you 0:12:56.520 --> 0:13:02.000 guys for some advice on this. Hi, Hi, thank you 0:13:02.080 --> 0:13:04.600 for being so vulnerable with us. One of the things 0:13:04.600 --> 0:13:07.160 that stuck out for me when she said she never 0:13:07.200 --> 0:13:10.000 wants to go through that kind of heartbreak again, I 0:13:10.040 --> 0:13:13.360 can just say I feel you. But let's let's talk 0:13:13.400 --> 0:13:16.640 about how realistic that is. Yes, studies showed that the 0:13:16.840 --> 0:13:20.000 activity in the brain that gets triggered when you go 0:13:20.120 --> 0:13:23.520 through a breakup is the same as detoxing from cocaine. 0:13:23.840 --> 0:13:26.920 So you can actually have a craving for that person 0:13:27.000 --> 0:13:29.840 that feels like that same sort of craving, and the 0:13:29.880 --> 0:13:32.240 other active atreas in the brain are the same as 0:13:32.240 --> 0:13:35.160 physical pain. So when you feel like your heart breaks, 0:13:35.760 --> 0:13:39.439 that idea is very scientifically shown. I think the challenges 0:13:39.480 --> 0:13:42.079 when you break up with someone, all of our language 0:13:42.240 --> 0:13:46.800 is about getting over them, as opposed to understanding why 0:13:46.960 --> 0:13:49.920 we got there. And so when you start saying I 0:13:49.920 --> 0:13:52.200 want to get over them, all the energy goes on 0:13:52.280 --> 0:13:54.880 to that person and now it becomes about them. But 0:13:55.040 --> 0:13:58.160 if you focus on how you got there, you may 0:13:58.240 --> 0:14:01.280 find that you fell in love too far. You may 0:14:01.360 --> 0:14:03.960 find that you didn't follow some of these stages that 0:14:04.000 --> 0:14:06.640 we're talking about of did I know who I was? 0:14:07.040 --> 0:14:09.960 Did I really know who they were? And you go, 0:14:10.040 --> 0:14:12.680 We'll wait a minute. Maybe I don't want a fast love. 0:14:12.760 --> 0:14:16.920 Maybe I want a slow, thoughtful, mindful love. And that's 0:14:16.960 --> 0:14:20.000 how you avoid the same thing happening again. So when 0:14:20.000 --> 0:14:23.040 you look at karma, it requires you to go backwards 0:14:23.560 --> 0:14:27.760 and go where did I kid myself that we had 0:14:27.800 --> 0:14:30.800 found love? I think we jumped from like to love 0:14:31.160 --> 0:14:35.400 and we missed this level called learning. And that's where 0:14:35.440 --> 0:14:37.640 I feel like we're going wrong. So I would encourage 0:14:37.680 --> 0:14:42.600 you to go back and say where did I rush things? 0:14:42.760 --> 0:14:46.400 Where did I really overtrust? Where did I give someone 0:14:46.480 --> 0:14:49.520 my trust rather than let them earn it? And how 0:14:49.520 --> 0:14:51.960 does she learn to trust again? I want to take 0:14:51.960 --> 0:14:54.640 a second of breakdown trust because I think that's such 0:14:54.680 --> 0:14:58.600 an overused word. And so there are four stages to trust, 0:14:59.360 --> 0:15:02.760 trusting any one. And so you have to understand that 0:15:02.800 --> 0:15:05.760 when you meet someone, no matter how impressive they are, 0:15:06.080 --> 0:15:08.160 no matter how well spoken they are, no matter how 0:15:08.160 --> 0:15:11.480 attractive you think they are, you start at zero trust. 0:15:12.280 --> 0:15:14.400 The problem is, when we see someone we find attractive, 0:15:14.440 --> 0:15:17.800 studies show we find them more trustworthy. If we find 0:15:17.840 --> 0:15:20.600 someone more intellectual and thoughtful, we find them more attractive. 0:15:20.600 --> 0:15:24.080 Therefore we find them more trustworthy. So we constantly trick 0:15:24.120 --> 0:15:26.640 ourselves into trusting people who haven't yet earned our trust. 0:15:26.720 --> 0:15:28.480 So whoever you meet, no matter who in the world 0:15:28.720 --> 0:15:31.680 is you have to start at zero trust. Then the 0:15:31.720 --> 0:15:35.760 next step is called transactional trust. Transactional trust is when 0:15:35.800 --> 0:15:37.440 I do something for them, they do something for me. 0:15:37.920 --> 0:15:39.480 If they say they're going to show up at three 0:15:39.560 --> 0:15:41.760 pm and they show up at three pm, great, I 0:15:41.800 --> 0:15:44.560 have transactional trust with them. The reason why we don't 0:15:44.600 --> 0:15:46.680 like this is because we want love to be magical. 0:15:46.720 --> 0:15:49.320 We want to love to like. We don't want stages jay, 0:15:49.360 --> 0:15:51.120 I just want I just want to feel love. And 0:15:51.440 --> 0:15:53.400 that's where we make the mistake because we don't want 0:15:53.400 --> 0:15:56.800 to say, oh, okay, I now can trust them transactionally. 0:15:57.560 --> 0:16:01.880 So the third stage is resist, a brocal trust where 0:16:01.880 --> 0:16:03.920 it's like, you know, if you love this person, you'll 0:16:03.960 --> 0:16:06.640 do something for them. You're not doing it to get 0:16:06.640 --> 0:16:09.360 anything back, and they'll do something back for you anyway, 0:16:09.720 --> 0:16:13.000 right right. And then the fourth stage is unconditional trust, 0:16:13.760 --> 0:16:19.560 which is so rare and practically doesn't exist completely. And 0:16:19.600 --> 0:16:21.680 we usually start there when we think we're in love 0:16:21.720 --> 0:16:24.400 with someone. We're like, I'm giving you my unconditional trust. 0:16:24.440 --> 0:16:26.480 And now the higher trust you give, the bigger you 0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:29.040 have to fall. And so if you gave someone number 0:16:29.040 --> 0:16:32.760 four unconditional trust, then now you're falling back to zero trust. 0:16:32.800 --> 0:16:37.920 You've fallen down four steps, right, Luma, does that help you? Yeah, 0:16:38.560 --> 0:16:42.120 went to number four? Were fully trusted him? And yeah, 0:16:42.200 --> 0:16:44.080 Like obviously, going through break up is really hard. I 0:16:44.160 --> 0:16:46.520 honestly think the hardest part is when you realize that 0:16:46.560 --> 0:16:49.360 them coming back is no longer the solution for your pain, 0:16:49.440 --> 0:16:56.800 like they Yes, that is for that's fantastic, that's beautiful. Well, Luma, 0:16:56.880 --> 0:16:59.680 thank you so much for joining us. Take this time 0:16:59.760 --> 0:17:03.880 for yourself. Yes, don't worry about jumping into anything else 0:17:04.000 --> 0:17:07.000 right now. We're wishing you the best. You were talking 0:17:07.040 --> 0:17:10.840 about unconditional trust. What are your real thoughts about unconditional love? 0:17:10.880 --> 0:17:13.560 Because I'm not sure there's such a thing. It's so 0:17:13.760 --> 0:17:16.880 rare that it feels like there is no such thing. 0:17:17.600 --> 0:17:20.560 But I think we get glimpses in it when you 0:17:20.600 --> 0:17:22.959 look at the love a mother has for their child. 0:17:23.240 --> 0:17:26.639 I don't think I've ever seen unconditional romantic love in 0:17:26.720 --> 0:17:29.359 my life. If you look at the greatest acts of 0:17:29.440 --> 0:17:32.080 love in the world, they were not romantic. Romeo and 0:17:32.119 --> 0:17:34.800 Julia is not a true story, and it wasn't a 0:17:34.920 --> 0:17:38.200 huge act of love in that sense. So I think 0:17:38.200 --> 0:17:42.199 the challenges. We've romanticized love and put romantic love on 0:17:42.200 --> 0:17:46.560 the pedestal, missing out on all these beaut that are 0:17:46.680 --> 0:17:49.520 as fulfilling, if not more, but we see them as 0:17:49.600 --> 0:17:52.479 less that And I think that that's unhealthy because some 0:17:52.520 --> 0:17:55.480 people may end up without a partner, maybe through natural loss. 0:17:56.080 --> 0:17:58.200 Someone may end up through a partner because they went 0:17:58.240 --> 0:18:00.480 through a divorce or breakup, and they may be single. 0:18:00.600 --> 0:18:03.800 Momays tell my girlfriends, let's just move in together when 0:18:03.840 --> 0:18:06.359 we're old and get a bunch of cats. Never we 0:18:06.440 --> 0:18:12.520 do have, but if we do have boyfriends, great, they 0:18:12.520 --> 0:18:15.520 can come over sometimes we can see them whatever, but 0:18:15.600 --> 0:18:18.919 let's be together and not like, oh, we have to 0:18:19.000 --> 0:18:22.920 just be old and gray with our significant other. Give 0:18:23.000 --> 0:18:29.840 us your thoughts on how saying I love you impacts relationships. 0:18:30.280 --> 0:18:34.359 So some people say I love you and it means 0:18:34.400 --> 0:18:37.080 they want to spend their life with you, and some 0:18:37.119 --> 0:18:39.520 people say I love you and it means I want 0:18:39.560 --> 0:18:42.640 to spend a night with you. But the problem is 0:18:42.800 --> 0:18:44.879 when someone says I love you, you you don't stop to 0:18:44.880 --> 0:18:47.439 asking go wait, wait, wait, what do you mean? What 0:18:47.480 --> 0:18:51.320 do you mean right? Studies show that men say I 0:18:51.400 --> 0:18:54.440 love you on average in a t eight days a 0:18:54.600 --> 0:18:57.200 t eight days and women take one thirty four days 0:18:57.240 --> 0:18:59.680 on average. Men say quicker, but it doesn't last is long. 0:19:00.000 --> 0:19:02.120 And the reason I bring that up is because it's 0:19:02.119 --> 0:19:05.919 not that that person necessarily lied to you or misled you. 0:19:06.080 --> 0:19:09.000 They were just living up to their definition. Yeah. So 0:19:09.040 --> 0:19:10.760 I'm not telling you to stop someone from saying I 0:19:10.800 --> 0:19:13.320 love you. I'm saying I hope that before you say that. 0:19:13.560 --> 0:19:16.399 There have been some conversations around what does love mean 0:19:16.440 --> 0:19:19.800 to you? Is I really love spending time with you, 0:19:20.320 --> 0:19:23.439 and that's aware that I love you means I really 0:19:23.480 --> 0:19:26.000 love spending time with you, not I want to spend 0:19:26.040 --> 0:19:28.240 time with you for the rest of my life. Yeah, 0:19:28.440 --> 0:19:31.879 And you know what, that is really important because not 0:19:31.960 --> 0:19:34.800 only do people have a misunderstanding around the world I 0:19:34.840 --> 0:19:38.439 love you. But what does marriage mean to you? I 0:19:38.520 --> 0:19:41.960 tell people all the time, just because somebody's cute and 0:19:42.000 --> 0:19:45.240 they're great in bed, and you're gonna have cute kids, 0:19:45.520 --> 0:19:50.320 it is not necessarily the reason to get married. I 0:19:50.400 --> 0:19:54.760 don't think that there's enough conversation around marriage. And the 0:19:54.760 --> 0:19:58.600 cost of weddings are going up, yes, and the amount 0:19:58.640 --> 0:20:02.320 of time being married is going to so we spend 0:20:02.440 --> 0:20:05.480 so much time planning for a wedding, You get a 0:20:05.480 --> 0:20:08.080 wedding planner, you have a guest list, you put a 0:20:08.080 --> 0:20:10.800 budget aside. What do we do for our marriage? We 0:20:10.840 --> 0:20:12.840 don't think about a budget for our marriage, like we 0:20:13.000 --> 0:20:16.600 plan so much for one day when you've just promised 0:20:16.640 --> 0:20:19.600 to live one life with someone. And you know what's 0:20:19.640 --> 0:20:21.840 really interesting when kids are growing up. I don't know 0:20:21.880 --> 0:20:24.000 if you ever did this with with Willow and Jaden 0:20:24.080 --> 0:20:25.680 and Trade. We put them up against the wall and 0:20:25.720 --> 0:20:28.080 then you mark where they are, and then at one 0:20:28.480 --> 0:20:31.240 one time, you just stop measuring. When you stop measuring, 0:20:31.440 --> 0:20:33.919 I mean you forget you're growing now. And that's what 0:20:33.960 --> 0:20:36.359 we kind of do. We think our wedding day is 0:20:36.359 --> 0:20:38.760 where you start measuring. You draw that line and you 0:20:38.840 --> 0:20:41.000 never have to draw a higher line ever went down. 0:20:41.000 --> 0:20:43.200 And so the mindset want to give people with love 0:20:43.280 --> 0:20:48.720 is that love ends because patients ends, kindness ends, compassion ends, 0:20:49.119 --> 0:20:53.560 judgment starts, criticism starts. Right. Love doesn't end because it 0:20:53.640 --> 0:20:57.240 just withered away. It ended because you stop practicing qualities 0:20:57.680 --> 0:20:59.800 that built it in the first place. A plan and 0:20:59.800 --> 0:21:01.960 your I was just doesn't die because it felt like dying. 0:21:02.400 --> 0:21:04.760 It died because you stopped watering it. It's that simple, 0:21:05.240 --> 0:21:09.359 it really is. Yeah. And so let's talk about the 0:21:09.440 --> 0:21:14.399 third ash root protecting love. Yes. Well, one of my 0:21:14.440 --> 0:21:17.040 favorite principles that I found really helped me and my 0:21:17.080 --> 0:21:20.879 wife in our own relationship is something I call fight styles, right, like, 0:21:21.040 --> 0:21:24.399 is your partner and then they or they wrestling, they 0:21:24.520 --> 0:21:30.720 are the king. When I read that part of the book, 0:21:30.760 --> 0:21:37.680 it was so eye opening from me, right because Rodney 0:21:37.680 --> 0:21:42.400 says I fight to win. Yes, I fight to win 0:21:42.680 --> 0:21:46.359 instead of fighting too like to solve the problems, I 0:21:46.680 --> 0:21:48.520 gonna let him break it down. But it was so 0:21:48.680 --> 0:21:52.119 revealing from me. I was like, wow, Yeah, So I 0:21:52.119 --> 0:21:56.120 found that there were three fight styles. Yeah. One is venting, 0:21:56.720 --> 0:21:58.840 where we're like, let's talk it out, let's figure it out. 0:21:58.880 --> 0:22:00.720 And I want to just vent. I want to express 0:22:00.720 --> 0:22:02.080 how I feel and we've got to figure it out. 0:22:02.480 --> 0:22:05.359 But it's very much trying to force a solution. The 0:22:05.440 --> 0:22:07.920 next is hiding, where someone just goes, I need to 0:22:07.960 --> 0:22:10.159 be in my cave. I don't want to see you. 0:22:10.200 --> 0:22:13.280 I just need to take some time out. And the 0:22:13.280 --> 0:22:16.760 third is exploding, where it becomes like it's all your fault, 0:22:16.800 --> 0:22:20.200 it's blaming, it's it's kind of critical and I discovered 0:22:20.240 --> 0:22:22.800 this actually through me and my wife. So I'm a 0:22:22.840 --> 0:22:24.640 classic inventor. I want to talk it out and figure 0:22:24.640 --> 0:22:26.800 it out right now. I'm not gonna explode, I'm not 0:22:26.800 --> 0:22:28.360 gonna blame anyone, but I want to figure it out 0:22:28.440 --> 0:22:30.240 right now, and we have to talk about it. Rather, 0:22:30.280 --> 0:22:33.280 he's a hider. She just wants to think about it. 0:22:33.400 --> 0:22:35.000 She doesn't want to talk about it right now. She 0:22:35.119 --> 0:22:38.320 needs time and space. When we first started dating and 0:22:38.320 --> 0:22:40.639 started arguing, which is normal, and that's the other issue. 0:22:40.920 --> 0:22:44.040 Whenever anyone tells me we never argue, I don't think 0:22:44.080 --> 0:22:47.520 that's a healthy sign of a relationship. It's natural to 0:22:47.560 --> 0:22:51.119 have disagreements. Gotten An institute did a study that showed 0:22:51.160 --> 0:22:54.760 that the number one skill in a long lasting relationship 0:22:55.359 --> 0:22:58.679 was learning how to fight. When you're playing sports, you 0:22:58.720 --> 0:23:01.760 don't hope the other team doesn't attack. No, you think, 0:23:01.800 --> 0:23:04.399 all right, well when they attack this way, this is 0:23:04.440 --> 0:23:06.560 how we're going to respond. You want to do that 0:23:06.600 --> 0:23:09.560 as a couple. So when I would vent and Rady 0:23:09.600 --> 0:23:13.240 would hide, I would think she doesn't love me, not 0:23:13.320 --> 0:23:17.000 realizing she was just speaking a different language. So I 0:23:17.000 --> 0:23:20.560