1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:01,920 Speaker 1: This is Kelly Henderson and you were listening to the 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,800 Speaker 1: Velvet Edge podcast. This week on the podcast, my guest 3 00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:08,200 Speaker 1: is heartbreak and breakup coach Laura Yates. Laura and I 4 00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:11,080 Speaker 1: sat down to talk about how to get through a breakup. 5 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:13,600 Speaker 1: If you've listened to my previous podcast with love and 6 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:16,800 Speaker 1: relationship experts Samantha Burns. We talked a lot about how 7 00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:20,239 Speaker 1: to love successfully, especially after a rough breakup, but what 8 00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:23,479 Speaker 1: we didn't talk about is the actual breakup part and 9 00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:26,840 Speaker 1: how to survive after heartbreak. So Laura and I dove 10 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:30,000 Speaker 1: into some things you can do to help ease the pain, obviously, 11 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:33,800 Speaker 1: what you can learn from a breakup, some healthy breakup protocol, 12 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,360 Speaker 1: and why men actually have a harder time with breakups 13 00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:39,839 Speaker 1: than women. That one really shocked me. Laura Yates is 14 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,680 Speaker 1: the founder of Laura Yates dot Org and the podcast 15 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:45,720 Speaker 1: The bounce Back Podcast. Her work has been featured in 16 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:50,280 Speaker 1: multiple places including The Daily Mail, Reveal Magazine, Glamour, A 17 00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:53,600 Speaker 1: Marie Claire just to name a few. Clearly, she knows 18 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:57,640 Speaker 1: her stuff. Here's Laura. I am here with Laura Yates, 19 00:00:57,680 --> 00:01:00,360 Speaker 1: who is a heartbreak and breakup coach, which is the 20 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:02,880 Speaker 1: founder of Laura Yates dot Org in the podcast The 21 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:07,120 Speaker 1: bounce Back Podcast. Hi Laura, Hi Kelly, how are you. 22 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,680 Speaker 1: I'm good. Thank you so much for doing this, and 23 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:13,440 Speaker 1: nic thank you for having me. I'm excited to get 24 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:16,160 Speaker 1: into it. So I did a podcast actually a couple 25 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:19,039 Speaker 1: of weeks ago with same of the Burns from Love Successfully, 26 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:22,600 Speaker 1: and we were talking about how to move on effectively 27 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:25,640 Speaker 1: from a breakup, but like to love differently basically, so 28 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:28,560 Speaker 1: to look into your different relationships and make them different. 29 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:32,160 Speaker 1: But we kind of we didn't really talk about the 30 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:35,440 Speaker 1: anatomy of a breakup, which is sort of your specialty, 31 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:40,679 Speaker 1: wouldn't you say? Yeah, definitely. I I'm so fascinated by 32 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:44,880 Speaker 1: heartbreak m you know, particularly the I'm like, I always 33 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:48,080 Speaker 1: feel like breakups can be a catalyst for such positive 34 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:51,680 Speaker 1: change in our lives, um and growth and self growth 35 00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:54,640 Speaker 1: and everything. We learned so much about ourselves and that 36 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:58,400 Speaker 1: obviously impacts our future relationships. But you know, really being 37 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:01,440 Speaker 1: able to get through that real see stage, that's what 38 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:04,240 Speaker 1: I really really love to help people with. So, yeah, 39 00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:06,680 Speaker 1: it's something I've been delving into for about four or 40 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:10,400 Speaker 1: five years now. So it's it's definitely very interesting. Like 41 00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,600 Speaker 1: the whole dynamics of a break up and you know, 42 00:02:12,639 --> 00:02:14,880 Speaker 1: the cope and mechanisms that we can put in place 43 00:02:14,919 --> 00:02:17,079 Speaker 1: to help with it, right, I would say, I mean, 44 00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:19,320 Speaker 1: no matter who you are, how great your life is, 45 00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:23,320 Speaker 1: I think breakups are just hard for everyone, right right, 46 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:24,960 Speaker 1: And that's it. And the thing is, no one is 47 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,280 Speaker 1: immune to it. You know, you can be you can 48 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:30,800 Speaker 1: be as beautiful and successful and as smart and have 49 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:34,560 Speaker 1: literally everything, but you know, heartbreak is the ultimate equalizer. 50 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:37,520 Speaker 1: I don't think there's any one who gets away with 51 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:39,720 Speaker 1: not going through it at some point in their lives. 52 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,880 Speaker 1: So I think that you know, there is so much 53 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,320 Speaker 1: that people can relate to other people's experiences so much. 54 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:48,760 Speaker 1: What kind of things do you see just with most 55 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:51,279 Speaker 1: people when when they're trying to get over a relationship. 56 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:54,239 Speaker 1: What are the most common struggles that you see? Sure, yeah, 57 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:57,960 Speaker 1: I mean it can be it can be um different 58 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:02,639 Speaker 1: for each person, but mainly people really struggle with ruminating 59 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:07,040 Speaker 1: over the past, you know, and feeling like they can't 60 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:10,160 Speaker 1: get over what they did wrong or what their ex 61 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:13,280 Speaker 1: did wrong, feeling like the whole thing was really unfair, 62 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:16,880 Speaker 1: and ultimately, you know, they feel like they really struggle 63 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:19,359 Speaker 1: to be able to let go. I think everything is 64 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:21,360 Speaker 1: kind of snatched away from us, isn't it. When we 65 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,760 Speaker 1: had such high hopes for that relationship and we were 66 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,040 Speaker 1: so in love with that person and then all of 67 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,320 Speaker 1: a sudden it gets taken away from us. It makes 68 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:31,520 Speaker 1: us question everything, and you know, I think that the 69 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:35,080 Speaker 1: hardest thing about breakups are that it is like a loss, 70 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:38,320 Speaker 1: but we struggled to know how to grieve for it 71 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,200 Speaker 1: because we can't grieve for it in the same way 72 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:42,160 Speaker 1: that we would, you know, if someone had passed away, 73 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,400 Speaker 1: because our ex is out there walking around in the 74 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,760 Speaker 1: world still, so we kind of feel like in this 75 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,640 Speaker 1: no man's land and it's really difficult to know where 76 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:53,120 Speaker 1: to turn. So I think people really struggle with finding 77 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:56,360 Speaker 1: that sense of closure. That's yeah, that tends to be 78 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:59,000 Speaker 1: a real common struggle that I see. Right, even if 79 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:00,960 Speaker 1: you were the one who in assiated the break up, 80 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:04,440 Speaker 1: you can kind of go through those feelings, right, definitely. Yeah, 81 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:06,440 Speaker 1: it's it's it's really hard for the person who did 82 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:09,160 Speaker 1: initiate it, you know. I think that we we always 83 00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:11,480 Speaker 1: think that the person who did the breaking up, like 84 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:14,800 Speaker 1: it's so much easier for them, But oftentimes that really 85 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:17,159 Speaker 1: isn't the case. And it's almost like then if you 86 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:19,279 Speaker 1: are that person, you don't have an excuse to feel 87 00:04:19,279 --> 00:04:22,800 Speaker 1: sad about it and and to be able to grieve 88 00:04:22,839 --> 00:04:25,360 Speaker 1: for it, because we're worried that people will think, well, 89 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,640 Speaker 1: you know, you made that decision, so now you have 90 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:29,120 Speaker 1: to you have to live with that and you have 91 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:30,680 Speaker 1: to get on with your life, and you don't you 92 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:33,160 Speaker 1: don't deserve to feel that way. Um, So that can 93 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:36,000 Speaker 1: be a real struggle as well. Do you think that 94 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:39,320 Speaker 1: it's just grieving the idea of a relationship that's one 95 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:42,560 Speaker 1: of the most difficult things, I think, so, yeah. I 96 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:47,719 Speaker 1: think people put so much on what that relationship means 97 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:51,080 Speaker 1: in terms of their identity. I think people feel a 98 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:53,440 Speaker 1: lot of pressure to you to have to have the 99 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:57,320 Speaker 1: perfect relationship, and especially especially you know, people who are 100 00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:59,680 Speaker 1: getting into their thirties as well. You know, we feel 101 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:01,599 Speaker 1: like pressure to have to have it all, have to 102 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:04,000 Speaker 1: have the marriage and start the family and all of 103 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:06,640 Speaker 1: those things. So when when someone walks away from that 104 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,239 Speaker 1: or when that relationship is taken away for some reason, 105 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,840 Speaker 1: we kind of like question our whole place in the world, 106 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:15,880 Speaker 1: and sometimes it can really impact, you know, our hopes 107 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:18,480 Speaker 1: and dreams, and we can really struggle to be able 108 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:20,800 Speaker 1: to know how to move forward from that. So I 109 00:05:20,839 --> 00:05:23,880 Speaker 1: love on your website you have a section that talks 110 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:26,680 Speaker 1: about some of the issues that you go through with 111 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:30,440 Speaker 1: clients and how you can help them in this breakup process. 112 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,160 Speaker 1: So can we talk through a couple of those because 113 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:35,159 Speaker 1: I loved them. Um. One of them says, what do 114 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,440 Speaker 1: you do in the first stages of heartbreaks? You can 115 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:39,880 Speaker 1: breathe again? So what are some of the things you 116 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:43,960 Speaker 1: recommend to people? Okay, So, well, first of all, and 117 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,440 Speaker 1: this probably doesn't sound immediately very helpful, but you do 118 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:49,600 Speaker 1: really need to understand, like, you know, don't underestimate how 119 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:52,480 Speaker 1: hard a breakup is. It really can shake us to 120 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:55,120 Speaker 1: our core. And so you know, you've got to take 121 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,360 Speaker 1: it day by day. You've got to give yourself that 122 00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:01,360 Speaker 1: period of time to really really feel bad and feel 123 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:04,359 Speaker 1: sad and know that that's okay. Like, the more you 124 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:07,719 Speaker 1: can actually feel into your feelings, the more that you 125 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:10,520 Speaker 1: will actually be able to process them and be able 126 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:13,080 Speaker 1: to then kind of deal with them and come out 127 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:15,400 Speaker 1: the other side. It's when we start to try and 128 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:18,240 Speaker 1: really bury them and pretend we're okay and kind of 129 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,880 Speaker 1: be in denial about the whole thing that it just 130 00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:22,520 Speaker 1: is going to build up and build up and build 131 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:24,960 Speaker 1: up and come out eventually. Because if you just give 132 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,160 Speaker 1: yourself that period of grace and just say, you know what, 133 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:28,640 Speaker 1: I know that this is going to be a rough 134 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,080 Speaker 1: ride for a while, and I'm just going to take 135 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:35,320 Speaker 1: it day by day. Mean, sorry, go ahead, No, I 136 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:38,360 Speaker 1: was just gonna say. You know, breakups aren't a linear process. 137 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:42,200 Speaker 1: You know, it's over, like over a long term, like 138 00:06:42,279 --> 00:06:44,359 Speaker 1: generally we will see, you know, we will start to 139 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,440 Speaker 1: feel better and have more hope again and start to 140 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,600 Speaker 1: get out there and meet more people. But in those 141 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:50,520 Speaker 1: first you know, even a few months, you know, we 142 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:52,880 Speaker 1: can feel like, oh I've gone a couple of weeks 143 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,720 Speaker 1: and I feel okay, and then all of a sudden, 144 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:57,159 Speaker 1: I feel absolutely dreadful again. Maybe I saw something on 145 00:06:57,240 --> 00:07:00,200 Speaker 1: social media. I was triggered in some way, and I like, 146 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,800 Speaker 1: I'm back to square one. So you know, just just 147 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:06,000 Speaker 1: be kind to yourself, just give yourself like that ultimate compassion, 148 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:09,240 Speaker 1: and just know that, um yeah, to take it day 149 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:12,440 Speaker 1: by day. I've had someone describe it to me as 150 00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:15,400 Speaker 1: a corkscrew instead of like a linear line. I love 151 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:18,280 Speaker 1: that because yeah, there are there the ups and downs, 152 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,320 Speaker 1: and it doesn't mean you're if you go back down 153 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:23,400 Speaker 1: you can't go back up. You will, but it's just 154 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:27,880 Speaker 1: it's like a cork screw ever revolving. Definitely, that's right, 155 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:30,760 Speaker 1: and you know, and in those really first stages, it's 156 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,360 Speaker 1: it's literally just doing one thing at a time, so 157 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:36,440 Speaker 1: you know, just being able to just right right now, 158 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:38,360 Speaker 1: my foot soul goal is to just get up in 159 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:41,800 Speaker 1: the morning, get a shower, get myself dressed, get myself 160 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:44,200 Speaker 1: out to work, and literally just take it like that, 161 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:46,560 Speaker 1: task by task because you might feel you need to 162 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:48,480 Speaker 1: do that, you know, don't feel like, oh my god, 163 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:50,480 Speaker 1: I've got to be over it this time next week, 164 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:53,080 Speaker 1: and because it just feels so overwhelming to think about 165 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:55,520 Speaker 1: all of those mountains you feel like you have to 166 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:57,840 Speaker 1: climb to just do things bit by bit and take 167 00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:00,600 Speaker 1: it day by day, right. That was actually the next 168 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,600 Speaker 1: thing I was going to bring up was you talked 169 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:05,920 Speaker 1: about taking the small steps forward every day just so 170 00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:08,800 Speaker 1: you can get out of bed. And as dramatic as 171 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:12,040 Speaker 1: that may sound, some breakups are that hard. They are. 172 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,760 Speaker 1: I mean, I'm sure like anyone listening can probably relate 173 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:16,920 Speaker 1: in some way when they've gone through that real earth 174 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:20,680 Speaker 1: shattering breakup, and you know, you can't we can't underestimate 175 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:24,640 Speaker 1: the impact that that has on our physical body, you know, 176 00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:27,440 Speaker 1: as well as our emotions. It really like tires us out. 177 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,720 Speaker 1: When our body is going through that, it's almost like 178 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:33,040 Speaker 1: a trauma um again, not to make it too dramatic, 179 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:35,480 Speaker 1: but the short term it can feel like that. So 180 00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:38,360 Speaker 1: you have to just really allow yourself to take things 181 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,640 Speaker 1: slowly and not try and be a superhero about it, 182 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:42,920 Speaker 1: not put too much pressure on yourself to feel like 183 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:45,240 Speaker 1: you've got to be fine and do all of these things. 184 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:48,839 Speaker 1: So yeah, even even though that might sound like or 185 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:51,200 Speaker 1: come on, like just get out of bed, but it's 186 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:54,000 Speaker 1: it's really important that people are able to have that 187 00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:56,640 Speaker 1: compassion for themselves and take it in those that kind 188 00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:59,640 Speaker 1: of slow way. So you see that the side of 189 00:08:59,679 --> 00:09:01,200 Speaker 1: people where they can't even get out of there. But 190 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,960 Speaker 1: do you see a lot of people who overcompensate and 191 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,200 Speaker 1: go the other way maybe like stay too busy so 192 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:09,160 Speaker 1: they don't have to feel their feelings. Yeah, definitely. And 193 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:12,600 Speaker 1: you know what, I see this with a lot of guys. Yea, yeah, 194 00:09:12,679 --> 00:09:13,920 Speaker 1: And I know we're going to talk a little bit 195 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:17,480 Speaker 1: about that later on, but yeah, I think it's it's 196 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:21,640 Speaker 1: almost like it can be if that's your natural go to, 197 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:24,559 Speaker 1: Like sometimes we are more naturally wide if we're going 198 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:27,120 Speaker 1: through something, it's just like, okay, well I just need 199 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,640 Speaker 1: to keep busy. I need to keep myself like occupied 200 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:32,400 Speaker 1: in other ways. And whilst there is a place for that, 201 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:35,360 Speaker 1: like we don't want to be ruminating over things too much, 202 00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:37,560 Speaker 1: but it's a balance and the things. If you go 203 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:39,480 Speaker 1: out and try and do everything and just try and 204 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:44,880 Speaker 1: forget about it without actually facing those emotions and processing 205 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,960 Speaker 1: them and working through them, then that's going to come 206 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,320 Speaker 1: back up to bite you at some point, whether it 207 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:53,400 Speaker 1: is in you know, the next person that you date 208 00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:56,360 Speaker 1: or the next relationship that you fall into. If there's 209 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:59,320 Speaker 1: all of that stuff that you haven't really dealt with, 210 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:03,520 Speaker 1: that's it's going to come back up. So it's really 211 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:06,199 Speaker 1: better for you to actually go through this really hard 212 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:09,800 Speaker 1: and quite gross and ikey process right now, because you're 213 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,480 Speaker 1: going to come out better the other side, and then 214 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:13,600 Speaker 1: you're going to feel like much more ready to be 215 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,680 Speaker 1: able to go out and date and meet someone new 216 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:19,079 Speaker 1: in a much healthy place emotionally. Well. So I think 217 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:21,880 Speaker 1: that brings up a good question. I think a lot 218 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,600 Speaker 1: of people when you say feel your feelings or go 219 00:10:24,679 --> 00:10:27,160 Speaker 1: through the process, would be like, well, do what what 220 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:30,200 Speaker 1: do I do? Like? How do you do that? Do 221 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:34,480 Speaker 1: you have suggestions? I mean something that I really like 222 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:36,880 Speaker 1: and I encourage people I work with to do, and 223 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:39,240 Speaker 1: many of them find it really helpful, is to actually 224 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:42,520 Speaker 1: just write out your feelings when we're going through a 225 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:45,360 Speaker 1: breakup that our heads are just like the thoughts are 226 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:47,840 Speaker 1: going around in our head and it can just drive 227 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:49,920 Speaker 1: us crazy. And if we don't have a place to 228 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:54,160 Speaker 1: put that, then we can't kind of resolve anything. We 229 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,240 Speaker 1: can't make sense of anything. So the act of actually 230 00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:00,160 Speaker 1: writing it down or journaling some people call it just 231 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,640 Speaker 1: putting pens on paper and writing down everything that's in 232 00:11:02,679 --> 00:11:05,840 Speaker 1: your head. It can feel really really cathartic, and it 233 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:07,880 Speaker 1: doesn't have to make sense. You know, you don't have 234 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,120 Speaker 1: to show it to anybody. But then if you do 235 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:13,240 Speaker 1: read it back, you can actually kind of figure out, Okay, 236 00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:15,959 Speaker 1: well I'm triggered by this, this is what's happening, and 237 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:18,080 Speaker 1: you can kind of make sense of everything a little 238 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:20,160 Speaker 1: bit more. It's a bit like a free thought form 239 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:23,200 Speaker 1: of therapy. Um, so I recommend that people do that, 240 00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:26,640 Speaker 1: and then things like, you know, things that make you 241 00:11:26,679 --> 00:11:29,520 Speaker 1: feel really grounded, to going for a walk in nature 242 00:11:29,559 --> 00:11:31,480 Speaker 1: if you can, or just going out for a walk, 243 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:34,959 Speaker 1: moving your body in some way, moving your body gently 244 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:39,600 Speaker 1: ideally at this point, um, things like mindfulness and meditation. 245 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:43,200 Speaker 1: And I know that these all sound like really boring 246 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:45,920 Speaker 1: things to do. They don't sound very sexy. They're not 247 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,600 Speaker 1: like that instant quick fix that we all want. But 248 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:51,640 Speaker 1: if you start to just implement one of those things, 249 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:53,920 Speaker 1: or even all of them, if you can a little 250 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:57,320 Speaker 1: bit each day, you will start to notice a shift 251 00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:00,679 Speaker 1: in how you're feeling emotionally, because it's just encouraging you 252 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,880 Speaker 1: to be more in tune with what you're feeling, to 253 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:07,080 Speaker 1: be more observant of it, and to be less reactive 254 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:11,079 Speaker 1: to it as well. You know, like if you can journal, 255 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:14,280 Speaker 1: for example, at those that time where you might really 256 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:16,160 Speaker 1: want to text your ex and you might be like 257 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,520 Speaker 1: really furious and really angry and really want to just 258 00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:21,559 Speaker 1: shout at them and say something to them instead of 259 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:23,599 Speaker 1: actually texting your act, if you just actually let it 260 00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:25,920 Speaker 1: all out of your head and write it down, it 261 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,000 Speaker 1: kind of has the same effect, it gets out of 262 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:31,400 Speaker 1: your system, but without like that horrible feeling of them. 263 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:33,640 Speaker 1: You've texted your ex and now you feel really regretful 264 00:12:33,679 --> 00:12:40,000 Speaker 1: about it. Right, Also, I was being there. Yeah, I 265 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:43,199 Speaker 1: also feel like a part I know for me personally, 266 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,360 Speaker 1: parts of breakups that are really hard as you do 267 00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:48,040 Speaker 1: lose a sense of your identity a little bit because 268 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:51,120 Speaker 1: you've you've been this couple for so long, right, and 269 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:53,600 Speaker 1: now you're on your own. So it's almost like this 270 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:57,480 Speaker 1: process of getting to know yourself again exactly. Yeah, get 271 00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:00,840 Speaker 1: into yourself, rediscovering your identity, rediscover in who you are, 272 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,320 Speaker 1: and you know when you are just through those real 273 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:06,960 Speaker 1: first initial raw stages. What I really love to get 274 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:09,480 Speaker 1: request people to do, or encourage them to do rather 275 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:12,880 Speaker 1: is is to you know, start to re engage with 276 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,320 Speaker 1: things that you used to love to do, because we can, 277 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:17,560 Speaker 1: and you know we're all guilty of this to a 278 00:13:17,559 --> 00:13:20,559 Speaker 1: certain extent. We we can lose ourselves in a relationship, 279 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:23,400 Speaker 1: we can lose what we're passionate about, and we can 280 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:25,280 Speaker 1: stop doing those things that we always used to do 281 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:27,280 Speaker 1: when we were single because you know, we're in a 282 00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:30,560 Speaker 1: relationship and we spend more evenings together and that just 283 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:33,080 Speaker 1: becomes more of a habit. Whereas if you can just 284 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:36,640 Speaker 1: reconnect to yourself and go back to those old passions 285 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:40,040 Speaker 1: or find ways to discover new ones, you know, create 286 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:44,080 Speaker 1: new new memories for yourself, that's a big one. Actually. 287 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:47,960 Speaker 1: If you can find ways to create new habits and 288 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:51,760 Speaker 1: new memories that you actually associate with this new chapter 289 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,720 Speaker 1: in your life and you as an individual rather than 290 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:57,880 Speaker 1: you and your ex and your relationship, like that creates 291 00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:00,880 Speaker 1: new neural pathways in the brain, which then makes it 292 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:03,880 Speaker 1: easier to move on, because yeah, you're creating those new 293 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:06,680 Speaker 1: memories for yourself that you only associate with with you. 294 00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:12,360 Speaker 1: So that's that's really important. I actually love that you 295 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:14,640 Speaker 1: brought up neuropathway as I'm such a nerd about stuff 296 00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:21,320 Speaker 1: like this, but but that that is um something that 297 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:24,360 Speaker 1: from experience I've learned as well. Making that new memory 298 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,320 Speaker 1: and even in the same place, like if you used 299 00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:28,560 Speaker 1: to go to this restaurant, you might have to wait 300 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,760 Speaker 1: a little bit of time for have to have some 301 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:33,760 Speaker 1: time to pass, but you can go back to that 302 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:37,400 Speaker 1: restaurant in a totally different situation and make a new 303 00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:40,880 Speaker 1: memory and your brain really does remember the positive stuff 304 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:44,920 Speaker 1: if you do that absolutely, yeah, And you know, I 305 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,880 Speaker 1: even I even encourage people, you know, take a different 306 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:49,880 Speaker 1: route to work, go to a different coffee shop in 307 00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:52,200 Speaker 1: the morning, even if those those were things you didn't 308 00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:54,800 Speaker 1: actually do with your ex, but it reminded you of 309 00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:56,320 Speaker 1: the time you were with your ex, you know, that 310 00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:59,000 Speaker 1: period of time when you're in a relationship. Then yeah, 311 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,680 Speaker 1: it does start to create those new neural pathways. And 312 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:05,200 Speaker 1: it doesn't mean forgetting those memories, because there will be 313 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,720 Speaker 1: good memories that later on, like you just said, in time, 314 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:09,960 Speaker 1: you can come back to and you know you won't 315 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:12,480 Speaker 1: you won't be so emotionally triggered by it, you won't 316 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,360 Speaker 1: feel so raw about it. So it's not about forgetting 317 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,640 Speaker 1: all of that stuff. But right now your goal is 318 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:20,240 Speaker 1: to start to bring in new memories that you can 319 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:24,480 Speaker 1: you know, embrace this new chapter of your life with right. Okay, 320 00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:27,120 Speaker 1: Well it's two thousand nineteen, so I have to talk 321 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:32,880 Speaker 1: to you about like social media and breakups. So how 322 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,520 Speaker 1: do you handle letting go of your X when it 323 00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:39,760 Speaker 1: is so easy to go stark them or it's just 324 00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:44,160 Speaker 1: all the information about them is so accessible nowadays. I know, 325 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:47,080 Speaker 1: I know, I'm convinced, like breakups were so much easier. 326 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,120 Speaker 1: Even when I was a lot younger in social media, 327 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,000 Speaker 1: wasn't this prevalent, Like, I'm sure breakups were a lot easier, 328 00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:54,480 Speaker 1: And honestly, like, this is the thing that I see 329 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:57,040 Speaker 1: with most of the people I work with. I've got 330 00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:59,960 Speaker 1: a private group on Facebook and every you know, the 331 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:02,200 Speaker 1: majority of the comments for people and there are really 332 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:04,560 Speaker 1: like they've seen their ex do something on social media 333 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:06,800 Speaker 1: or you know, they're really really triggered by it. And 334 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,360 Speaker 1: I was with my last big by breakup. It's it's 335 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:13,080 Speaker 1: really tough. So I think this is a really nice 336 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:17,480 Speaker 1: opportunity for people to start to engage more in the 337 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:21,120 Speaker 1: real world and that be your focus. I mean, a 338 00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:24,040 Speaker 1: lot of us are on social media a lot anyway, 339 00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:26,240 Speaker 1: so it's it can only do us all good to 340 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,560 Speaker 1: just to be mindful of that and just to just 341 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,640 Speaker 1: take a little bit of a step away from it. 342 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:32,320 Speaker 1: It doesn't mean you have to remove it from your 343 00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:36,920 Speaker 1: life forever, but you know, focus instead on reconnecting with 344 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:41,160 Speaker 1: your friends or building up new you know network socially, 345 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:44,800 Speaker 1: um like in real life, not on social networks, and 346 00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:48,520 Speaker 1: start to re engage with the real world because by 347 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:50,560 Speaker 1: doing that, you'll really are then just going to be 348 00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:53,520 Speaker 1: limiting the amount of time you're spending on social media. 349 00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:57,880 Speaker 1: Um So taking a digital detox can be really beneficial, 350 00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:02,040 Speaker 1: and you know you need to you need to limit 351 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:04,280 Speaker 1: what you see off your ex. I really think as well, 352 00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:06,640 Speaker 1: you know what if if that means deleting them off 353 00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:09,560 Speaker 1: your social media or at least just hiding it, because 354 00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:13,040 Speaker 1: it's keeping that emotional connection going even though you might 355 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:16,560 Speaker 1: not be in touch with them like physically, it's just 356 00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:21,600 Speaker 1: that emotional tie is still there. And I also think 357 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:24,119 Speaker 1: it's important to kind of really step into your power 358 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:27,000 Speaker 1: at this point and know that even if you see 359 00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:30,359 Speaker 1: your ex doing something on social media that triggers you, 360 00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:34,560 Speaker 1: or if they've done something you know actually to antagonize you, 361 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,040 Speaker 1: because it's a low hanging fruit. People do that a lot. 362 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:41,159 Speaker 1: It's your choice as to how you respond or react 363 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:44,080 Speaker 1: to it. So even if you see something, it doesn't 364 00:17:44,119 --> 00:17:46,359 Speaker 1: mean that you need to get all your head about 365 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:47,800 Speaker 1: it and it needs to send you on a doe 366 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:50,480 Speaker 1: and spire or just take a breath, take a deep 367 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:53,440 Speaker 1: breath and then think, Okay, I'm going to choose how 368 00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:55,280 Speaker 1: I respond or react to it, and I'm going to 369 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:57,479 Speaker 1: choose to just walk away and do something that actually 370 00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:59,800 Speaker 1: supports my emotional well being. I'm going to call a 371 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:01,720 Speaker 1: phone end, I'm going to do some journaling, I'm going 372 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,760 Speaker 1: to go for a walk, And that can really help 373 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:08,199 Speaker 1: you get into that more positive place. Right. So it 374 00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:11,760 Speaker 1: actually is a kind of individual journey with that, knowing 375 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,879 Speaker 1: what triggers you and how much you can handle, Like 376 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:18,000 Speaker 1: some people might not even be able to look at all. Yeah, definitely, 377 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:20,840 Speaker 1: And you know have if you know that you perhaps 378 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,679 Speaker 1: get mainly triggered, you know, in an evening when perhaps 379 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:26,359 Speaker 1: you don't have too much to do and the natural 380 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:27,879 Speaker 1: go to is like, oh, I just get on my 381 00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:30,600 Speaker 1: phone and scroll on social media. If you know that 382 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,800 Speaker 1: your tendencies to do that, have something else there in place. 383 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,120 Speaker 1: You know, have like a friend who you can call, 384 00:18:36,359 --> 00:18:38,199 Speaker 1: or have an activity that you can do, or have 385 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:39,840 Speaker 1: a friend that you can go out with for a 386 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,959 Speaker 1: drink up of coffee or whatever. Have something creative that 387 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,119 Speaker 1: you can do, you know, doing something with your hands. 388 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,480 Speaker 1: It's as sill as it sounds, but it's a really 389 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:50,480 Speaker 1: good way to stop you being on social media. So 390 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:53,679 Speaker 1: it's just about being really honest with yourself and thinking, Okay, 391 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:57,000 Speaker 1: where where are my triggers and where can I put 392 00:18:57,119 --> 00:19:00,480 Speaker 1: another healthier habit in place, and how can I keep 393 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:04,720 Speaker 1: reminding myself that although it's it's hard, like breaking away 394 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:08,159 Speaker 1: from social media, this is actually really going to support me, um, 395 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,879 Speaker 1: and to to go easy on yourself as well, you know, 396 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:13,760 Speaker 1: if it's not about not getting hurt if you do 397 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,960 Speaker 1: see something, but it's just about yet taking that deep 398 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:19,280 Speaker 1: breath and knowing how you choose to react to that, 399 00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:21,960 Speaker 1: and knowing also that a lot of what we see 400 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,000 Speaker 1: on social media it isn't actually a true portrayal of 401 00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:27,760 Speaker 1: what's going on. You know. I speak to so many 402 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:31,480 Speaker 1: people who and they've actually been been the one do 403 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:34,240 Speaker 1: in this where they'll they'll put up pictures on social 404 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:36,439 Speaker 1: media and they want to reveal to everybody else that 405 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:39,959 Speaker 1: they're having a great time that their loving life being single. Actually, 406 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:45,679 Speaker 1: behind the scenes, it's a really different story going on, right. Um, 407 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:48,040 Speaker 1: So how would you say, like, let's talk about a 408 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,280 Speaker 1: healthy breakup protocol. I had a friend go through a 409 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:53,320 Speaker 1: break up last week and she was saying that her 410 00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:56,200 Speaker 1: ex had texted her because it was her birthday. That's 411 00:19:56,200 --> 00:20:00,439 Speaker 1: what the deal was. But so would you say, you know, 412 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,480 Speaker 1: when you break up, do you need to just cold 413 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:05,679 Speaker 1: turkey cut it off? Or I know people a lot 414 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:07,480 Speaker 1: of people want to try to be friends. What's the 415 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:11,879 Speaker 1: protocol there? Yeah, I mean again, there isn't really a 416 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:14,520 Speaker 1: one size fits all. It's kind of an individual thing. 417 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:17,159 Speaker 1: But my my kind of personal view, and I know 418 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,399 Speaker 1: this is what helped me the most and what helps 419 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,639 Speaker 1: a lot of my people I work with the most, 420 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:25,199 Speaker 1: is to yet cut off contact, go cold turkey. It 421 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:27,479 Speaker 1: doesn't have to be forever, you know, And if if 422 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:30,159 Speaker 1: a relationship hasn't ended at crimoniously and there isn't a 423 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:33,359 Speaker 1: real reason why you shouldn't be in touch, I still 424 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:37,200 Speaker 1: think having that distance it's really healthy for the both 425 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:39,679 Speaker 1: of you to be able to, you know, move on 426 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:42,119 Speaker 1: in your own way. And it doesn't mean that you 427 00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,160 Speaker 1: can't be friends in the future or that you can't 428 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,760 Speaker 1: be in touch in the future, but right now it's 429 00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:49,280 Speaker 1: going to serve you both so well to just have 430 00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:53,680 Speaker 1: that emotional and physical distance. And so I definitely recommend 431 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:55,600 Speaker 1: that for a period of time. People do go cold 432 00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:58,560 Speaker 1: turkey unless, you know, unless there's a reason, like you 433 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:01,400 Speaker 1: have kids together, or there's a really practical reason why 434 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,360 Speaker 1: you need to keep in touch. Um. But even then, 435 00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:07,359 Speaker 1: you know, you can put boundaries in place on what 436 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:11,040 Speaker 1: the you know, what those conditions are, and because what 437 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,480 Speaker 1: can so often happen is that we say that we're 438 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:16,000 Speaker 1: going to be friends and everything's cool and it's fine, 439 00:21:16,359 --> 00:21:18,720 Speaker 1: but it ends up being a bit of a vicious 440 00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:22,000 Speaker 1: cycle because we can get triggered so easily again and 441 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:26,080 Speaker 1: we look to it to kind of get closure when 442 00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:29,240 Speaker 1: we can actually find that closure within ourselves, and it 443 00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,600 Speaker 1: means that we can't get a true perspective of what 444 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:35,159 Speaker 1: was really going on in that relationship. So although it 445 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:38,520 Speaker 1: does feel really hard, like having that breakaway and breaking 446 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:40,960 Speaker 1: that contact completely, it allows us to kind of take 447 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:44,680 Speaker 1: off the rose tinted glasses and see what was going 448 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,280 Speaker 1: on in that relationship, to figure out, Okay, how were 449 00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:50,760 Speaker 1: we really feeling and how can I, you know, how 450 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,879 Speaker 1: can I really focus on myself and my life and 451 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:57,960 Speaker 1: my new life moving forward. Now, So speaking of that, 452 00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:01,120 Speaker 1: let's talk about the men versus women in breakups. I've 453 00:22:01,119 --> 00:22:03,520 Speaker 1: read an article and this is we talked about this 454 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,560 Speaker 1: last week, but I read an article saying that men 455 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:08,800 Speaker 1: have a harder time with breakups than women, which shocked 456 00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:12,119 Speaker 1: me because I always think of a woman or you know, 457 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:15,680 Speaker 1: all of my friends, myself, we cry it out. We're 458 00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:17,919 Speaker 1: really in a bad spot for a while, and it 459 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:21,200 Speaker 1: does seem like guys can kind of bounce back quicker, 460 00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,959 Speaker 1: or they're dating again, they're out drinking with friends, you know, 461 00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:28,680 Speaker 1: all of those kind of things. What is that about? Okay, Yeah, 462 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:30,440 Speaker 1: I mean I work with a lot of guys actually, 463 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:33,199 Speaker 1: so it's it's a really interesting one for me and 464 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:36,280 Speaker 1: everything you just said there that you know, when I've 465 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,639 Speaker 1: been through a breakup and I cry it out and 466 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,600 Speaker 1: I feel like I'm having a bad time, but actually 467 00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:43,800 Speaker 1: you crying it out, you speaking to your friends, you're 468 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,280 Speaker 1: doing all of those things. That is what I was 469 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:49,680 Speaker 1: talking about earlier about your processing those emotions. You're letting 470 00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:53,040 Speaker 1: them out, You're you're not letting them fester. Whereas what 471 00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:56,240 Speaker 1: I see a lot of men doing is they bury 472 00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:58,359 Speaker 1: it down. They bury it down because they feel like 473 00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:00,600 Speaker 1: they don't have a place to be to let out 474 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:04,240 Speaker 1: those emotions. They feel like it's going to compromise their masculinity. 475 00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:06,760 Speaker 1: They're going to worry about Oh well, I can't you know, 476 00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:08,680 Speaker 1: go to a friend and tell him I'm going through 477 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,000 Speaker 1: this really rough time, because he's going to think I'm weak, 478 00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:13,800 Speaker 1: He's going to think this and that, and so males 479 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:16,680 Speaker 1: are kind of naturally it's it's their tendency to more 480 00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:18,560 Speaker 1: like just just bury it and get on with it, 481 00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:21,600 Speaker 1: whereas women were more community driven. We want to speak 482 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:23,880 Speaker 1: to each other, we want to talk about what's going on, 483 00:23:24,359 --> 00:23:28,080 Speaker 1: because men oftentimes at the opposite, so they kind of 484 00:23:28,119 --> 00:23:31,639 Speaker 1: their coping mechanism is to go out and keep themselves busy, 485 00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:33,840 Speaker 1: and to go out and date again and to go 486 00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:38,199 Speaker 1: out drinking, and from us from a female perspective, it 487 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,640 Speaker 1: kind of looks like, oh, well, you know, he's out 488 00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:43,440 Speaker 1: there having a great time, and I'm here feeling crap 489 00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:45,840 Speaker 1: about myself and feeling like I can't get over this, 490 00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:49,720 Speaker 1: when really that's just his way of dealing with it. 491 00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:52,040 Speaker 1: And so many of the men that I work with, 492 00:23:52,119 --> 00:23:53,679 Speaker 1: you know, they're telling me that they're going out and 493 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:56,000 Speaker 1: they're doing all of these things, but they're actually feeling 494 00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:59,320 Speaker 1: really terrible inside. They're feeling just as bad as what 495 00:23:59,359 --> 00:24:02,520 Speaker 1: we are, but they're handling it in a different way. 496 00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:04,879 Speaker 1: And I think that that's why I do get a 497 00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,119 Speaker 1: lot of men come to me because they need that 498 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:09,840 Speaker 1: open space they need that environment to be able to 499 00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:13,359 Speaker 1: let out all of those things without feeling judged by it. 500 00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:16,920 Speaker 1: So I do think it's important for women to know that, 501 00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:19,520 Speaker 1: you know, men they do still have a hard time. 502 00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:22,479 Speaker 1: It's just like that's their coping mechanism and that's their 503 00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:24,800 Speaker 1: way of dealing with it. It's like, you know, they 504 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:28,159 Speaker 1: would rather have the quick fix than go through the 505 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:30,560 Speaker 1: crying and go through all of the emotional stuff that 506 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:34,200 Speaker 1: comes up. But eventually, like that will come back up. 507 00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:36,760 Speaker 1: And that's why you see a lot of guys falling 508 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:40,000 Speaker 1: into like the same patterns. They will repeat the same 509 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:44,560 Speaker 1: patterns in relationships because they haven't dealt with that stuff. 510 00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:46,639 Speaker 1: And of course that can happen with women as well, 511 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:49,480 Speaker 1: but for how you know what we're talking about here, 512 00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:52,399 Speaker 1: Like that's often what can happen. Right. It's said in 513 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:55,920 Speaker 1: the article that the survey they took discovered that women 514 00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:59,040 Speaker 1: after come out stronger after a breakup over time. Well, 515 00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:02,280 Speaker 1: men never come fletely recover and simply just move on. 516 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:04,840 Speaker 1: So talk to me a little bit about when you 517 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:08,159 Speaker 1: say the dangers of falling into the same patterns, Like 518 00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:12,160 Speaker 1: what kind of stuff would that be? Yes? So, I mean, 519 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:16,760 Speaker 1: you know, so like self sabotage in behaviors. For example, 520 00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:20,240 Speaker 1: so if there are you know, if a man has 521 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,320 Speaker 1: has gone through a breakup, maybe it was to do 522 00:25:23,359 --> 00:25:26,760 Speaker 1: with commitment issues and you know he couldn't commit or 523 00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:29,280 Speaker 1: you know, something like that going on, and then you know, 524 00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:31,639 Speaker 1: he's looking for the next the next thing. He's looking 525 00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:34,040 Speaker 1: to find a way to deal with that pain. So 526 00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:36,440 Speaker 1: then he'll go out and date someone else and then 527 00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:38,440 Speaker 1: he'll be really into that person for a few weeks 528 00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:40,359 Speaker 1: or a couple of months, but then like it's a 529 00:25:40,359 --> 00:25:43,280 Speaker 1: different person, but the same stuff will crop up with him, 530 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:47,560 Speaker 1: and then he'll self sabotage that relationship maybe and then 531 00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:49,840 Speaker 1: go on to the next one. You know, so it 532 00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:53,199 Speaker 1: kind of then will repeat that that pattern, and we 533 00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:55,639 Speaker 1: will often find that even even as women, it's not 534 00:25:55,760 --> 00:26:00,119 Speaker 1: until we actually deal with those core issues that are 535 00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:03,520 Speaker 1: really setting us back, that until we learn from those, 536 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:06,479 Speaker 1: until we face those head on and do that work, Like, 537 00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:09,720 Speaker 1: that's when we can then get into the next relationship 538 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:12,800 Speaker 1: and avoid that happening again. Because we've got the tools, 539 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,359 Speaker 1: we're more self aware, we know what our triggers are, 540 00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:17,920 Speaker 1: and we've we've got more capacity to be able to 541 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:21,760 Speaker 1: deal with it. So, yeah, I think that's that's kind 542 00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:23,960 Speaker 1: of one example that I can think of. When you 543 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:27,679 Speaker 1: say do the work, what does that mean? Like do 544 00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:30,920 Speaker 1: you mean therapy, do you mean spending? Is that other 545 00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:33,439 Speaker 1: stuff you said earlier about the journaling and all of 546 00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:36,440 Speaker 1: those things? Yeah, I mean it can be different. I 547 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:38,160 Speaker 1: mean I don't want people to think, oh my god, 548 00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:40,440 Speaker 1: this is going to be a real, like laborious thing 549 00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:42,639 Speaker 1: that's going to be awful, And it doesn't have to 550 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:45,760 Speaker 1: be like that. It's mainly just increasing your self awareness, 551 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:48,720 Speaker 1: like knowing yourself know if you know that you've got 552 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:51,680 Speaker 1: to if you know that you've got commitment issues. It's 553 00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:55,240 Speaker 1: about taking some time out and thinking, okay, like where 554 00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:58,040 Speaker 1: is that coming from? You know, why is that happening? 555 00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:02,400 Speaker 1: Is it something from my past? It where? Where? How 556 00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:05,320 Speaker 1: can I identify this and how can I stop it 557 00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:07,600 Speaker 1: from happening in the future? What do I really need 558 00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:09,639 Speaker 1: to be dealing with? And Yeah, that can be a 559 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:15,280 Speaker 1: combination of things like therapy or coaching or journal and meditation. 560 00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:18,440 Speaker 1: Just just finding a way where you can increase your 561 00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:22,159 Speaker 1: your self awareness and really pinpoint those things and have 562 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:24,840 Speaker 1: you have perhaps someone help you to be able to 563 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:27,840 Speaker 1: work through them, so it can look it can look 564 00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:30,280 Speaker 1: different to everyone. But if we're just going through blind 565 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:32,840 Speaker 1: and when just really we know when something's up, but 566 00:27:33,119 --> 00:27:35,280 Speaker 1: we're just burying it and we're just thinking, oh, well, 567 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:37,440 Speaker 1: you know, it'll be okay in the relaxed relationship because 568 00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:39,960 Speaker 1: that will be with a different person. But it usually 569 00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:42,639 Speaker 1: does come back up. And so you know, there are 570 00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:45,120 Speaker 1: many things that you can explore to to help deal 571 00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:46,800 Speaker 1: with that, and it doesn't have to be a big 572 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:50,040 Speaker 1: dramatic thing. It doesn't have to be a huge rock bottom. 573 00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:52,520 Speaker 1: Can just be like going for a couple of therapy 574 00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:55,000 Speaker 1: sessions to start with, or maybe doing a bit of reading, 575 00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:57,240 Speaker 1: maybe you know, picking up a book that you feel 576 00:27:57,280 --> 00:28:00,280 Speaker 1: like really relates to the problem that your experience it's in. 577 00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:04,359 Speaker 1: I love that because I think breakups are so hard 578 00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:06,760 Speaker 1: emotionally and we can all get kind of down and 579 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:09,679 Speaker 1: depressed about them. But with this kind of mentality, it 580 00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:13,040 Speaker 1: actually just becomes this this place to really grow and 581 00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:16,040 Speaker 1: get to know yourself and actually can be a really 582 00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:20,439 Speaker 1: good thing in your life. Definitely, And that's why you 583 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:24,040 Speaker 1: hear of so many people who you know, they go 584 00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:26,800 Speaker 1: through a breakup and then it changes the trajectory of 585 00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:30,120 Speaker 1: their whole life. Maybe it's inspired them to change careers. 586 00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:32,600 Speaker 1: Maybe it's inspired them to go, like on a trip 587 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:34,720 Speaker 1: that they've always wanted to go on, or start a 588 00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:37,480 Speaker 1: new business. You know, a lot of these life changes 589 00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:40,880 Speaker 1: that are really positive for people have come from going 590 00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:43,440 Speaker 1: through a breakup. So when you do take on that 591 00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:46,960 Speaker 1: mentality and that attitude of Okay, this sucks. I feel 592 00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:50,280 Speaker 1: terrible right now, But how can I really grow from this? 593 00:28:50,360 --> 00:28:52,960 Speaker 1: How can I expand my life? You know what? What 594 00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:56,560 Speaker 1: new things can I introduce into my life as opposed 595 00:28:56,600 --> 00:29:00,200 Speaker 1: to feeling like everything's being taken away? So it really 596 00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:03,200 Speaker 1: is a huge mindset thing I loved on your website. 597 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:05,840 Speaker 1: You say to clients that you work with, you'll actually 598 00:29:05,840 --> 00:29:08,200 Speaker 1: get over your ex. You'll do that thing you want 599 00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:11,760 Speaker 1: to do but keep putting off. You'll rewire your bad 600 00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:16,200 Speaker 1: thoughts and you'll start living your life again. Yeah, and 601 00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:18,600 Speaker 1: that that is the ultimate goal. And you know it does. 602 00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:20,640 Speaker 1: It does take a bit of time. You know, this 603 00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:23,400 Speaker 1: isn't my god, I've been I've been a billionaire times 604 00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:25,280 Speaker 1: over if I had a quick fix for getting over 605 00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:29,240 Speaker 1: a breakup. But if you do start to put these 606 00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:31,760 Speaker 1: things into practice, and you try a few things out, 607 00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:34,440 Speaker 1: and not everything works for everybody, but if you really 608 00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:38,479 Speaker 1: just take this as an opportunity to um, to really 609 00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:41,520 Speaker 1: look at this as an opportunity for self growth and 610 00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:44,240 Speaker 1: try these things out, even if they seem a bit crazy, 611 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:47,240 Speaker 1: you know, like if I introduce people just like meditation, 612 00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:50,040 Speaker 1: I mean, I'm doing it in a way that is like, look, 613 00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:51,960 Speaker 1: you know, you don't have to be like go to 614 00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:54,560 Speaker 1: India and be you know, go and do it full on. 615 00:29:55,280 --> 00:29:57,160 Speaker 1: You can just do this for like two minutes a 616 00:29:57,240 --> 00:29:59,800 Speaker 1: day with the Headspace app or just you know, and 617 00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:02,600 Speaker 1: on your phone. It's free. It's so it's just making 618 00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:04,840 Speaker 1: it as easy as possible for people, but that's still 619 00:30:04,920 --> 00:30:07,800 Speaker 1: enabling them to um yeah, to be able to heal 620 00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:10,480 Speaker 1: in that really healthy way, and to for them to 621 00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:14,600 Speaker 1: embrace that opportunity. I love that. Laura, where can people 622 00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:17,640 Speaker 1: find you? Where is it? What's your Instagram handle? Yes? 623 00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:21,680 Speaker 1: So my Instagram handle is at Laura M. Yates and 624 00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:25,000 Speaker 1: my website is Laura Yates dot org. And yeah, that's 625 00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:28,200 Speaker 1: where people can find me. And do you do phone 626 00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:31,960 Speaker 1: sessions or how does your coaching work? Yes? So my 627 00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:35,680 Speaker 1: coaching works. I offer Skype sessions. Um, I can offer 628 00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:39,200 Speaker 1: sessions in person if people are London based, and I 629 00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:42,680 Speaker 1: sometimes spend some time in Los Angeles as well, so 630 00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:45,600 Speaker 1: um yeah, it depends where I am, but predominantly it's 631 00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:47,920 Speaker 1: over skypes. So it's great because it means everybody has 632 00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:51,960 Speaker 1: access to what I do. So yeah, awesome when you 633 00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:54,600 Speaker 1: guys check out Laura. Thank you so much for being here. 634 00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:56,520 Speaker 1: I feel like we're are going to be so enlightened 635 00:30:56,520 --> 00:31:00,360 Speaker 1: at the wake ups now, I hope, So thank you 636 00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:03,560 Speaker 1: for having me. This is being great. Thanks for listening. 637 00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:06,320 Speaker 1: This is Kelly Henderson and you've been listening to the 638 00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:10,000 Speaker 1: velvets Edge podcast. I truly believe that every one of 639 00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:12,680 Speaker 1: us has a little velvet and a little edge, so 640 00:31:12,720 --> 00:31:15,320 Speaker 1: it's so important to remember that to be strong, you 641 00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:18,520 Speaker 1: must be soft too. Thank you so much for sharing 642 00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:21,360 Speaker 1: in those stories with me. You can follow Velvet's Edge 643 00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:24,520 Speaker 1: on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, as well as velvet Edge 644 00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:27,040 Speaker 1: dot com. If you have it yet, go to Apple 645 00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:31,200 Speaker 1: Podcast and subscribe, rate and review this podcast. Join me 646 00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:36,040 Speaker 1: every Wednesday for more conversations on lifestyle, beauty, and relationships. 647 00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:37,120 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening.