Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Centralow a Trump associate has been arrested.
Speaker 1: I know, right, it's like, how many more left? It
Speaker 1: feels like everyone around Trump has been put in cups.
Speaker 1: His CFO, his lawyer, his campaign manager, his other campaign manager,
Speaker 1: his campaign manager after that, his deputy campaign manager, his fundraisers,
Speaker 1: his advisers. Basically every single person Doald Trump has ever
Speaker 1: met has gone to prison. And I know what you're saying.
Speaker 1: You know what you're saying, Trevor Eric has never been
Speaker 1: to prison yet, because that's because he's never met him,
Speaker 1: You dumbass, I said, mess. You realize now they're enough
Speaker 1: Trump people in jail. Just start their own prison gang. Right,
Speaker 1: it's gonna be like, Yo, that's the Latin gangs, that's
Speaker 1: the Arean Brotherhood, and then over there that's the Trump cabinet. Man.
Speaker 1: Those amps are local, They're crazy. And now another Trump
Speaker 1: associate has been arrested for the second time. And Steve Bannon,
Speaker 1: yes Trump's former chief advisor. And what happens when you
Speaker 1: wait too long to clean out your fridge. You see
Speaker 1: here in trouble for in the state of New York.
Speaker 1: And what he's in trouble for probably won't surprise you
Speaker 1: at all. This morning. Longtime Trump advisor Steve Bannon facing
Speaker 1: a new criminal indictment as he turns himself into authorities
Speaker 1: here in New York, accused of siphoning money from the
Speaker 1: group called We Build the Wall, an online campaign to
Speaker 1: build a section of President Trump's border wall that raised
Speaker 1: twenty five million dollars, the founders claiming that every penny
Speaker 1: would go to construction, promising those who donated a brick
Speaker 1: in the wall with their name on it. Prosecutors say instead,
Speaker 1: Bannon and his associates line their pockets with large sums
Speaker 1: of that money. Bannon now calling the charges phony and
Speaker 1: a political weaponization of the criminal justice system, saying I
Speaker 1: Am never going to stop fighting. They will have to
Speaker 1: kill me first. Oh, they will have to kill me first.
Speaker 1: What a little bit. Why don't you go to How
Speaker 1: don't you get to a shootout with the cops. They
Speaker 1: have to kill me first. This guy's acting like a
Speaker 1: gangster while he's surrendering to the police. You'll never take
Speaker 1: me alive, Coppers, Please put the handcuffs. I'm gently yeah,
Speaker 1: my wrists are so soft. But yeah, once again, Steve
Speaker 1: Bannon is going to court over allegations that he defrauded
Speaker 1: Trump supporters over the war. And can I just ask
Speaker 1: how long did the man crowd are gonna keep falling
Speaker 1: for this ship? Huh? Trump's people have been fleecing them
Speaker 1: for seven straight years, and still they're like, Don Junior sin,
Speaker 1: he's two million dollars to reclaim he's thrown. That's the
Speaker 1: prince of Nigeria. Let's give him the money, honey. And
Speaker 1: just by the way, kudos to the prosecutors who even
Speaker 1: thought to investigate Steve Bennon for stealing millions of dollars,
Speaker 1: because I would I would have never suspected this guy. Yeah,
Speaker 1: looks like, yes, fifteen dollars. Look at him, millions of dollars.
Speaker 1: He looks like he sublets from Oscar the Grouch. I
Speaker 1: wouldn't have suspected him of having the money. Now, if
Speaker 1: we had the time, we could talk more about how
Speaker 1: instead of convincing Mega supports is that Trump World is
Speaker 1: basically a hotbed of criminal activity. They're so drunk on
Speaker 1: his kool aid that instead it just convinces them that
Speaker 1: they're the most persecuted group in human history. Why do
Speaker 1: they keep charging us with crimes? Just because we keep
Speaker 1: committing crimes. It's not fair. But we don't have the
Speaker 1: time to talk about any of that, because while Trump's
Speaker 1: inner circles in trouble with the law, it turns out
Speaker 1: that some of his biggest supporters are the law. The
Speaker 1: Anti Defamation League Center on Extremism has released a detailed
Speaker 1: membership list, it says for the far right militia group
Speaker 1: the Oathkeepers. It poured over thirty eight thousand names from
Speaker 1: the leaked list and says it found hundreds of current
Speaker 1: and former elected officials, law enforcement officers, first responders, and
Speaker 1: members of the military. The ad L says those names
Speaker 1: include eighty one people who were serving in or running
Speaker 1: for public office, three hundred and seventy three people believed
Speaker 1: to currently be serving in law enforcement agencies across our country,
Speaker 1: and one hundred and seventeen people currently serving in the U. S. Military.
Speaker 1: Right now, more than a dozen oath Keepers, including the
Speaker 1: group's founder, are facing charges for their roles in the
Speaker 1: January six riot. That's right, The oath Keepers are right
Speaker 1: wing extremist group just had their membership leaked. Right, the
Speaker 1: entire membership list was reached, and it turns out that
Speaker 1: hundreds of them are active members of the government, military
Speaker 1: or law enforcements, which is pretty concerning. And I want
Speaker 1: to get beaten up by a copy because he's part
Speaker 1: of some racist organization telling him to do it, you know,
Speaker 1: I wanted to beat me up because he's racist. For
Speaker 1: the love of the game, you know, do it for yourself.
Speaker 1: How do you have a question though? Why why does
Speaker 1: the secretive group keep a list of everyone's name. It's
Speaker 1: just it's just careless, you know. Yeah, that's why they
Speaker 1: will never run the world, Like the Illuminati. The Illuminati
Speaker 1: is smart. We don't make they don't make stupid mistakes
Speaker 1: like that. We'll never you'll never give it away. You laugh,
Speaker 1: like I'm really in the Illuminati. You're like, oh, we've
Speaker 1: got to Trevor. I will say. It's getting hart to
Speaker 1: keep track of all of these extremist groups now, you know.
Speaker 1: It's like the Oath Keepers, the Proud Boys, the Patriot Front,
Speaker 1: like the list never ends. Actually feel bad for extremists,
Speaker 1: you know, because they're going to join all of these
Speaker 1: different groups, like they're subscribing to different streaming services. You know,
Speaker 1: why did they share accounts that can I jump on
Speaker 1: your account? For the KKK, plus, I can't afford all
Speaker 1: these hate groups right now. Now, look, we could talk
Speaker 1: more about how it almost doesn't matter that some elected
Speaker 1: officials are oath keepers, because there's already a conspiratorial anti
Speaker 1: government ideology leading the Republican Party right now. But we
Speaker 1: don't have the time for that, because while some people
Speaker 1: are trying to overthrow the government, the city in Europe
Speaker 1: is trying to overthrow your diet. The Dutch city of
Speaker 1: Harlem maybe the world's first to ban most meat advertising.
Speaker 1: The Green Links that's a green political party, has faced
Speaker 1: opposition from the meat sector and some who say it's
Speaker 1: stifles free speech. But it says the meat as need
Speaker 1: to be banned to prevent climate age. But that's you're weird, No,
Speaker 1: they are, like drugs are legal, but they're cracking down
Speaker 1: on meat. So what soon dealers in Amsterdam are going
Speaker 1: to be in the streets like here's your heroine. You'll
Speaker 1: meet me out back if you want some rabs man.
Speaker 1: But yeah, a city in the Netherlands is banning meat
Speaker 1: ads because eating meats is a major contributor to climate change.
Speaker 1: And this is a big move because you know, meats
Speaker 1: advertisements have been around since the beginning of time. That's
Speaker 1: basically what the cave drawings were, right. I was like, yo,
Speaker 1: if you see this eats it, trust me and look,
Speaker 1: I get it. You don't want to encourage people to
Speaker 1: do something that's bad for the planet. You know. It's
Speaker 1: why we don't allow ads for Bobby's dream coal plants.
Speaker 1: But I don't know about banning meat ads. What I
Speaker 1: do think they should do is make meat ads a
Speaker 1: little less sexual. Maybe that should be the law, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm talking about, Especially in America, every fast
Speaker 1: food commercial is like, you know, you want to juicy
Speaker 1: beef patties in your mouth like so big and media
Speaker 1: if your nuggets in our special sauce, Daddy, it's like, damn,
Speaker 1: Wendy's up with my nephew. Choo, I'll call you off
Speaker 1: to now. If we had more time, we could talk
Speaker 1: about why so little climate policy focuses on the livestock industry,
Speaker 1: even though it counts for around fifteen percent of all
Speaker 1: greenhouse gas emissions. I mean, we willways here about how
Speaker 1: the cows emit methane, and I'm sure the cows are like,
Speaker 1: how about you stop eating us first? Then we could
Speaker 1: talk about whether or not we should stop foxing. But
Speaker 1: we don't have the time for that, because while the
Speaker 1: Dutch are getting rid of meat, a Texas judge is
Speaker 1: getting rid of gay people's healthcare. A new ruling in
Speaker 1: Texas today is dealing a sucker punch to a key
Speaker 1: provision of the Affordable Care Act. A federal judge says
Speaker 1: that employers are not required to cover drugs that prevent
Speaker 1: HIV infections in their healthcare plans, adding that mandated coverage
Speaker 1: by the government of those medications violates their religious beliefs.
Speaker 1: This is a lawsuit brought by a group of Christian conservatives.
Speaker 1: Their argument, literally, one of their arguments they made is
Speaker 1: they don't want to pay for these drugs because they
Speaker 1: vote facilitate or encourage homosexual behavior, which is contrary to
Speaker 1: their religious beliefs. Yeah, you heard that right. A Texas
Speaker 1: court says religious employers don't have to include HIV medication
Speaker 1: in their healthcare plan because then the employees might be
Speaker 1: more likely to have gay sex, and this would violate
Speaker 1: the employers rights because it makes the employer complicit in
Speaker 1: the gay sex, which is the most ridiculous argument I've
Speaker 1: ever heard in my life. Yeah, because then by that logic,
Speaker 1: why do you where do you draw the line? Huh?
Speaker 1: Employers can say that any medical coverage makes gay sex
Speaker 1: more likely. I exams. Oh so you want to see
Speaker 1: more manager have gay sex with everything physical therapy. Oh
Speaker 1: so you'll have the stamina for more gay sex. Gent
Speaker 1: to ensure, I'll say, you'll have a nice smile that
Speaker 1: will make me want to have gate sacks with you. Knife, Try, Gary, Knife, try.
Speaker 1: And you know this is the kind of religious exemption
Speaker 1: that only evangelical Christians get to claim. And'll be like, oh,
Speaker 1: we're Christians, so we can discriminate. Let's see what happens
Speaker 1: the first time a Muslim employer says I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: pay my workers. What if they use the money to
Speaker 1: buy bacon? I can tell you now, No, Texas judge,
Speaker 1: You're gonna be like, wow, who am out of question
Speaker 1: the teachings of Allah? Who am? I? Also, for the record,
Speaker 1: wasn't Jesus the one curing lepers for free? He wasn't
Speaker 1: showing up asking questions like yo, before I heal you,
Speaker 1: you can get this leprosy from doing but stuff? Right?
Speaker 1: I just want to make sure. Now, obviously we could
Speaker 1: definitely talk more about how the notion of religious liberty
Speaker 1: has been expanded so much in this country that not
Speaker 1: basically allows conservatives to discriminate against anyone. But we don't
Speaker 1: have the time for that because there is one story
Speaker 1: that came in and conquered all the other news, and
Speaker 1: it's about the Queen. We do have this breaking news
Speaker 1: just coming in from Buckingham Palace. Queen oh Is but
Speaker 1: the Second has died, just hours after her doctor said
Speaker 1: they were concerned for her health. The year old Queen
Speaker 1: has been at Melmoral Castle in Scotland, among the people
Speaker 1: with her at Bellmorl her four children, Andrew, Ann, Edward
Speaker 1: and Charles, who is now officially king automatically ascending to
Speaker 1: the throne upon the announcement of his mother's death. The Queen,
Speaker 1: of course, the longest reigning monarch in British history and
Speaker 1: one of the longest reigning ever. The Queen has died
Speaker 1: and longly the king. Yes, it's official. At the age
Speaker 1: of nine, Queen Elizabeth the Second passed away today. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm not I'm not gonna lie. It's been interesting to
Speaker 1: see how varied the reactions to this news have been.
Speaker 1: You know, the full spectrum of emotions, everything from how
Speaker 1: will the Kingdom carry on? All the way to you
Speaker 1: shouldn't have gotten India, by bitch, it's been really brore.
Speaker 1: Whatever you think about the royal family or the monarchy,
Speaker 1: you've got to admit it's insane how long Elizabeth sat
Speaker 1: on the throne. She came to power in fifty two.
Speaker 1: You understand how long that is. That means she's seen
Speaker 1: Adam West as Batman, Michael Keaton as Batman, Christian Bale
Speaker 1: as Batman, Ben Affleck as Batman, survived that, and then
Speaker 1: saw Robert Pattinson as Batman, and look, I'm sure there's
Speaker 1: a better way to measure time than in Batman, but
Speaker 1: you get it. She's been in the game for a minute.
Speaker 1: And on top of that, on top of that, she
Speaker 1: was a queen real deal. Because these days that term
Speaker 1: gets thrown around way too much. You just post a
Speaker 1: photo of your smoothie online. Everyone's like, yeah, self care queen. No,
Speaker 1: that doesn't make you a queen, you're a duchess of
Speaker 1: self care. Best now, in case you're wondering, Prince Charles
Speaker 1: is now going to be the king, which, let's be honest,
Speaker 1: is much better than being prince. I mean he's no,
Speaker 1: he's seventy three years old, right, and until today he
Speaker 1: still had the same title, has his own grandchildren. That
Speaker 1: was weird. The world wasn't made for an old prince,
Speaker 1: I can tell you now. There's no one in a
Speaker 1: Disney movie who's like, someday, my prince will come and
Speaker 1: he'll wear off the painted shoes and he caught this
Speaker 1: cheese fibery meal. Like Charles is so old he's gonna
Speaker 1: be the first royal to ascend the throne in one
Speaker 1: of those motorized stair lifts. That's how old he is.
Speaker 1: The FDA has officially authorized new COVID boosters that for
Speaker 1: the first time, target the Omicron variants. And I'm so
Speaker 1: excited because this means we can finally fight omicron just
Speaker 1: eight months after everyone got it an in case you're counting,
Speaker 1: that is now the fourth COVID shots, which means one
Speaker 1: more and we all get a free sandwich. Yeah. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: in climate news, the West Coast of America is currently
Speaker 1: experiencing a record breaking heatwave, with temperatures in some cities
Speaker 1: topping a hundred and fifteen degrees. Yeah, it is so
Speaker 1: hot in California right now that people are begging Harry
Speaker 1: Styles to spit on them, please Harry Plitz. In international news,
Speaker 1: it is now being reported that due to global sanctions,
Speaker 1: Russia is being forced to buy ammunition from North Korea. Yeah,
Speaker 1: which I think we can all agree means you're pretty desperate. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like you have to go to North Korea because no
Speaker 1: one else will sell. It's like only a matter of
Speaker 1: time before Putin can only get haircuts from North Korea.
Speaker 1: That's gonna be fun nowhere else. All right, but let's
Speaker 1: move on some of the biggest stories of the day,
Speaker 1: starting with the only man in America who scrapbooking hobby
Speaker 1: could land him in prison, Donald J. Trump. Yeah, the
Speaker 1: J stands for January six. There have been some major
Speaker 1: developments in the FBI's investigation into America's form of press,
Speaker 1: so let's catch up on all of it in another
Speaker 1: installments of America's Most tremendously Wanted. Ever since the FBI
Speaker 1: raided the broom closet where Donald Trump was keeping America's
Speaker 1: most important national security secrets, We've all been wondering what
Speaker 1: exactly Trump was hiding there, and over the weekend, we
Speaker 1: finally got a detailed rundown of what the FBI took away.
Speaker 1: There were thirty one documents labeled confidential, there were fifty
Speaker 1: four labeled secret, and eighteen labeled top secrets. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: even better than that, agents found those documents intermingled in
Speaker 1: the same boxes as magazine clippings and clothing. So I
Speaker 1: guess Trump has a legal problem and a hoarding problems.
Speaker 1: It's almost like after the FBI has done with Trump,
Speaker 1: they need to send in Marie Condo, you know, just
Speaker 1: to be like, does this seven copy of Playboy spark joy? Donald?
Speaker 1: It spoke so much joy, so much joy. But even
Speaker 1: more concerning is that the FBI also found dozens of
Speaker 1: classified folders that were empty, which obviously raises the question
Speaker 1: where are the documents from the folders? Are they in
Speaker 1: other boxes? Did he lend them to Saudi Arabia? Well,
Speaker 1: maybe maybe it's more innocent. Maybe Trump just keeps a
Speaker 1: bunch of folders labeled classified so he can give them
Speaker 1: to friends with photo copies of his butt inside. I mean,
Speaker 1: that's a good joke. That's a good jokey like what's
Speaker 1: in here. It's also possible the intelligence community didn't trust
Speaker 1: Trump with classified information, so they just gave him empty folders.
Speaker 1: We don't we don't know. It could just be like, sure,
Speaker 1: these documents are so secret, we made them invisible. He's
Speaker 1: just like incredible, just like all the love letters Milannia
Speaker 1: sends me. I get it, totally get it. But nobody
Speaker 1: knows what Trump was doing with these files and folders,
Speaker 1: And now it might be a lot longer until we
Speaker 1: find out. The criminal investigation into those classified documents found
Speaker 1: at Mara Lago is temporarily on hold as a result
Speaker 1: of this twenty four page order, where a Florida federal
Speaker 1: judge granted former President Trump's request that authorizes the appointment
Speaker 1: of a special master, an independent observer to review what
Speaker 1: the FBI seized from the Trump estate last month. The
Speaker 1: special master would separate any items that might be protected
Speaker 1: by claims of attorney client privilege or executive privilege. The
Speaker 1: judge sent a deadline of Friday for both sides in
Speaker 1: this case, Trump and the d J to propose a
Speaker 1: list of candidates they want to be special master now.
Speaker 1: The judge also said in this ruling that dj cannot
Speaker 1: use these documents at all as part of its criminal
Speaker 1: investigation until this review is completed. Yeah, that's right. A
Speaker 1: judge in Florida has decided to appoint a an independent
Speaker 1: observer to go through all of the documents and determine
Speaker 1: which ones are off limits to investigate it. And that
Speaker 1: person is called a special Master, which I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 1: When I first heard it, it sounded pretty cool. There's
Speaker 1: like Donald Trump is getting a special Masters, like he's
Speaker 1: about learned kung fu, because it's gonna be like, hm,
Speaker 1: I am your special Master, and you Donald at my students,
Speaker 1: like Greg, can you teach me chap sticks? And what's
Speaker 1: gonna be really interesting is who they pick for this job.
Speaker 1: Because the judge gave each side until Friday to submit
Speaker 1: a list of suggestions together. Right, So basically the judges going, Trump,
Speaker 1: you sent us a list of who you think should
Speaker 1: review the documents, and then like the Justice Department, you
Speaker 1: do the same thing. And then I guess the judges
Speaker 1: hoping that they will overlap. I don't know. I feel
Speaker 1: like the Department of Justice is going to submit the
Speaker 1: names of like former attorney generals and FBI directors, and
Speaker 1: then the list from Trump's side is going to be
Speaker 1: like Jared the Hamburglar, a paper shred on top of
Speaker 1: the toilets. You know. But you know, once again, Donald
Speaker 1: Trump has exposed the part of America that I'm willing
Speaker 1: to bet nobody knew existed. Nobody did you know about
Speaker 1: a special master, any of you? Huh? I didn't even
Speaker 1: know it was an option. I've watched ten million hours
Speaker 1: of law and order. I know about subpoenas. I don't
Speaker 1: know about breaking the chain of custody, objection sustained over ruled,
Speaker 1: side buying my chambers. But not once have I heard
Speaker 1: the term special master. But once again, thanks to Trump,
Speaker 1: because of his hard work and dedication to doing crimes,
Speaker 1: we've all learned something new today, And I said, thank you,
Speaker 1: Mr President. That's right. But let's move on to some
Speaker 1: international news. From the American Trump to the British one
Speaker 1: Prime Minister Boris Johnson. Back in July, he was forced
Speaker 1: to resign due to a long list of scandals. You know,
Speaker 1: he was having parties during his own COVID lockdown. He
Speaker 1: was receiving shady loans, he was promoting people that he
Speaker 1: knew accused of sexual harassment. You name it, he did it.
Speaker 1: He's like a one man Shonda rhyme. Show. So finally
Speaker 1: his party forced Boris to resign and today they appointed
Speaker 1: the new leader of the United Kingdom. The United Kingdom
Speaker 1: has a new Prime Minister this morning. Liz Trust officially
Speaker 1: took over from Boris Johnson today after a meeting with
Speaker 1: Queen Elizabeth at Belmore Castle in Scotland. We have huge
Speaker 1: reserves of talent, of energy and determination. I am confident
Speaker 1: that together we can ride out the storm. Trust inherits
Speaker 1: a nightmare war in Europe. Abiting cost of living crisis,
Speaker 1: the country braced for a winter of potential blackouts and
Speaker 1: fuel poverty. Yeah, once again, the United Kingdom is bringing
Speaker 1: a woman into power only when things really shit. And
Speaker 1: they do this all the time. Margaret Thatcher, Theresa May,
Speaker 1: Mary Poppins. The list is endless. That's why it feels
Speaker 1: good to live in a country like America. It is
Speaker 1: so feminist. It won't put a woman in charge ever,
Speaker 1: just in case things get really bad. You're welcome, ladies,
Speaker 1: You're welcome. And you know, I gotta say it's weird
Speaker 1: how the British system just springs a new prime minister
Speaker 1: on you, like like you know, when when they picked
Speaker 1: the new doctor who there's all the speculation and debate
Speaker 1: and the whole country's weighing in on it. But for
Speaker 1: the new prime minister, they're just like me, Liz. She's
Speaker 1: running the country now. So I wish the best of
Speaker 1: luck to Prime Minister Truth and from now on until she,
Speaker 1: I guess, resigns in disgrace, because that's what happens. You know,
Speaker 1: that's what happens to British prime ministers. They never get
Speaker 1: to the end of their term. You just serve until
Speaker 1: some ship goes down and you have to apologize and leave.
Speaker 1: In fact, you know what, to make things simpler, the
Speaker 1: new Prime minister should just start their term with an
Speaker 1: apology speech. You know. It is truly an honor to
Speaker 1: be taking this job that I will be thought to
Speaker 1: resign from within a year. I'm excited to lead this
Speaker 1: nation and I'm ashamed for the terrible things that I
Speaker 1: will do that force me from office. But until that happens,
Speaker 1: I have many ideas for this country. I want to
Speaker 1: rebuild the roads, I want to expand national healthcare. And
Speaker 1: look at that, Oh boy, there's the scandal already. It's
Speaker 1: been a privilege of a lifetime to serve you. Thanks everyone, cheerio,
Speaker 1: but by everyone, By all right. Finally, let's move on
Speaker 1: to some big entertainment news. Amazon Prime Video has announced
Speaker 1: that it's new Lord of the Rings prequel series is
Speaker 1: it's most watched program ever, with more than twenty five
Speaker 1: million viewers checking out the show on his first day. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but it turns out some of those people might be
Speaker 1: hate watching. Amazon is suspending reviews of its new Lord
Speaker 1: of the Ring series of Rotten Tomatoes. It says the
Speaker 1: seventy two hour hold is to make sure the reviews
Speaker 1: for Rings of Power are legit and prevent internet urals
Speaker 1: from bringing down their score. Amazon says reviews are being
Speaker 1: dragged down by fans who are upset out the show's
Speaker 1: diverse cast, which includes black actors playing elves and dwarves.
Speaker 1: These viewers say it's unrealistic for Token's creatures to be
Speaker 1: non white. Yeah, I'm not gonna lie. This is a
Speaker 1: tough one. And this is a tough one. I mean,
Speaker 1: on the one hand, everyone wants diversity in the shows
Speaker 1: that we create. But on the other hand, you gotta
Speaker 1: admit it's a bit unrealistic to say that there were
Speaker 1: black people in this white guy's imagination. You know. I mean,
Speaker 1: I mean, I can get on board with a show
Speaker 1: or a world where magical creatures caught spells and fight
Speaker 1: underd armies for control of a piece of jewelry that
Speaker 1: can turn them into gods. But if those creatures have
Speaker 1: a tan, it's just not believable anymore. It really isn't
Speaker 1: for this is this is so hypocritical. You're gonna get
Speaker 1: mad about seeing a black dwarf in Lord of the Rings,
Speaker 1: but you're fine with seeing a Kevin Hort movie. Be consistent.
Speaker 1: He's so tiny. Also, by the way, I don't understand
Speaker 1: why people are this angry. It's not like all the
Speaker 1: characters turned black, all right, There's one black dwarf, a
Speaker 1: couple of black elves. It's not like the NBA calmed
Speaker 1: down like black. Yes, And you know, it's the same
Speaker 1: way people were losing their ship because of the one
Speaker 1: black guy in the House of Dragons. You know, people
Speaker 1: losing them. Oh well, it only takes one to lower
Speaker 1: the property values. You know, the House of Dragon used
Speaker 1: to be worth four in a thousand. Now I don't
Speaker 1: know anymore. And I know what people are saying. People
Speaker 1: are saying that the books are supposed to be based
Speaker 1: on medieval Europe, so having black characters isn't realistic. But guys,
Speaker 1: nobody's watching Lord of the Rings for realism. Okay, they're
Speaker 1: watching it because they didn't have sex in high school.
Speaker 1: That's the only reason it's not realistic. I will say
Speaker 1: this stuff. I will say this, apart from the racism thing,
Speaker 1: I kind of agree. I don't think it makes sense
Speaker 1: to have black characters in Lord of the Rings. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I said. The whole series is about seeing danger and
Speaker 1: then running towards it. That's some white people ship. And
Speaker 1: the reason the reason there were no black people in
Speaker 1: Middle Earth is because they saw the Giant Eye talking
Speaker 1: out of a volcano and they were like, oh, hell, no,
Speaker 1: we are moving to Africa because this ship here. No, no,
Speaker 1: we do not need to be here. We're gonna Africa.
Speaker 1: We're totally sick. The East cigarette company Jewel, has agreed
Speaker 1: to pay a settlement of nearly half a billion dollars
Speaker 1: for marketing their product to teenagers, and obviously this is
Speaker 1: really bad for the company. Yeah, million dollars. The whole
Speaker 1: business has just gone up in strawberry flavored smoke. This
Speaker 1: is great and useful teenagers because now they have half
Speaker 1: a billion dollars which they can spend on more jewels. Ye. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: in education news, New York City has announced that students
Speaker 1: will no longer get snow days and will instead attend
Speaker 1: classes on zoom. Yes, this is a thing. No snow
Speaker 1: days only zoom. Yeah. I mean, luckily this isn't too
Speaker 1: big of a deal. I know it's sad, but you realize,
Speaker 1: thanks to climate change, New York's getting snow for what
Speaker 1: two years max? Now, Yeah, this is basically gonna be
Speaker 1: Florida with better bagels. That's all it's gonna be. But
Speaker 1: I do feel bad for these kids, you know, missing
Speaker 1: out on such a big parts of childhood. I mean
Speaker 1: like when I was growing up, there was nothing I
Speaker 1: love more than waking up and checking the TV for
Speaker 1: school closings. And then you know, and I'd be like, oh,
Speaker 1: and then I remember that I grew up in Africa.
Speaker 1: You idiots doesn't snow there, And I give a shirt
Speaker 1: about you losing snow days. Hell out they hear your
Speaker 1: dumb kids. Oh. In sports news, the US Soccer Federation
Speaker 1: has announced that the women's national team will now get
Speaker 1: paid the same amount of money as the man that
Speaker 1: is right. Female soccer players have finally achieved their goal.
Speaker 1: But you see, ladies, all you have to do is
Speaker 1: be literally the best in the world. It's something and
Speaker 1: someday you too will get paid the same amounts as
Speaker 1: men who are mediocre at the same job. It is inspiring,
Speaker 1: is what it is. It is inspired, all right. But
Speaker 1: let's move on to some of the biggest stories of
Speaker 1: the day, starting with the war in Ukraine. And yes,
Speaker 1: it is still going on. Even though you put that
Speaker 1: flag in your profile photo. I know, I thought it
Speaker 1: would work too. As the war drags on, the fallout
Speaker 1: is being felt around the world. Europe is facing skyrocketing
Speaker 1: energy prices, Africa is still suffering from grain shortages, and
Speaker 1: America has been forced to part with some of its
Speaker 1: most beloved missiles. But now everyone is worried that the
Speaker 1: next fallout from the war could be nuclear. This morning,
Speaker 1: there are fears the Zapparisia nuclear plant in southern Ukraine
Speaker 1: is accelerating towards a potential disaster. A report just released
Speaker 1: by a team of UN Watchdog inspectors found seven pillars
Speaker 1: of nuclear safety have been significantly compromised. Inspectors who visited
Speaker 1: the plants say it's security is being undermined by constant
Speaker 1: shelling and Russian military equipment on the site. New images
Speaker 1: of damage caused by shelling at that nuclear power plant
Speaker 1: near Zapparisia overnight, the u n's nuclear watchdog urging Russia
Speaker 1: and Ukraine to immediately cease all military operations in that
Speaker 1: area and establish a nuclear safety and security protection zone
Speaker 1: around the plant. We're playing with fire and something very,
Speaker 1: very catastrophic could take place. I don't want to be
Speaker 1: that guy, but I think this is a lot worse
Speaker 1: than playing with fire. Okay, there's a nuclear apocalypse. I
Speaker 1: wish we were playing with fire. He's like, we're leg
Speaker 1: with fire. This guy needs to like up his analogy game.
Speaker 1: What's on about the end of human life? And he's like,
Speaker 1: we're cruising for a bruising here. But yeah, the u
Speaker 1: N is urging Ukraine and Russia to stop fighting around
Speaker 1: Europe's largest nuclear power plants. And at this point, like,
Speaker 1: what is the UN even for? Huh? Because even I
Speaker 1: can urge Ukraine and Russia do not fight around a
Speaker 1: nuclear power plant. The UN should be able to make
Speaker 1: them stop. But what is the UN? Dude? Please stop?
Speaker 1: And you didn't you know, the un Is. The un
Speaker 1: Is basically turned into those parents who have no control
Speaker 1: over their kids. Just like Aiden, Aiden, don't kick your brother, okay, okay, Well,
Speaker 1: don't kick him near the coffee table, all right, kick
Speaker 1: him over there. And also this is yet another sign
Speaker 1: that Vladimir Putin has lost it, because if a nuclear
Speaker 1: power plant blows up in Ukraine that's next door to Russia,
Speaker 1: you also screwed. I mean, unless this is what Putin wants.
Speaker 1: Maybe he wants a nuclear disaster so that he can
Speaker 1: roll around in a radioactive cloud and turn himself into
Speaker 1: a like a mus you know, I'll just be like
Speaker 1: I hear new superpower. I am first Russian with the
Speaker 1: ability to smile. Let's move on from the technology that
Speaker 1: could kill us, also the technology that helps us waste
Speaker 1: time on the toilets, the iPhone. Every year, Apple holds
Speaker 1: a big conference where they reveal the products that we're
Speaker 1: all going to buy to try and fill the emptiness
Speaker 1: in our lives. And there's a lot of suspense for
Speaker 1: these events because nobody knows in advance what they're gonna say.
Speaker 1: Like it could just be that the camera is a
Speaker 1: little better than the last time, or they could announced
Speaker 1: that the new iPhone can read your thoughts, but today's
Speaker 1: conference was somewhere in between. It's the day techies have
Speaker 1: been waiting for. Apple is announcing its new products. Right
Speaker 1: at the top is the latest iPhone, the new iPhone
Speaker 1: fourteen and fourteen plus. Both have larger sco mareens and
Speaker 1: both are promising longer battery life. Throughout the day, also
Speaker 1: announced the Apple Watch Series eight. They come in seven colors.
Speaker 1: The new Watch can track a whole bunch of stuff,
Speaker 1: including fertility. The biggest thing happening on the new series
Speaker 1: A is a temperature sensor that they used for ovulation
Speaker 1: and tracking menstrual cycles, and also crash detection. So if
Speaker 1: you get into a car crash, it can actually detect
Speaker 1: that and automatically call emergency services and send them to
Speaker 1: your location. Yeah that's right, people, The new iPhone and
Speaker 1: Apple Watch can automatically detect when you're in a car crash.
Speaker 1: Because you know how sometimes you know a a car crash,
Speaker 1: but you're like, am I in a car crash? And
Speaker 1: the phone is like, yeah, you're in a car crash.
Speaker 1: I also love how the phone is fine in that accident.
Speaker 1: The car has gone the phone is like, I'll call
Speaker 1: the cops wire you obviously, I'm kidding. What it actually
Speaker 1: does is if you incapacitated in the car crash, the
Speaker 1: device will contact emergency services on your behalf, which is
Speaker 1: a pretty cool feature. Yeah, and if it detects that
Speaker 1: you're in a fatal accident, it will automatically delete all
Speaker 1: your pawn in the cloud. Thank you, Jim Cook, thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. No, look, look, I'm all for safety.
Speaker 1: I'm all for safety. I just hope that if I
Speaker 1: do get into an accident, you know that me and
Speaker 1: Syria on the same page. Otherwise I could get a
Speaker 1: little awkward. Hello, this is svor was in a car crash.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. ZERI he was distracted because he
Speaker 1: was looking at his phone while driving. What No, don't
Speaker 1: snitch Instagram. No, no, that's not true. I wasn't actually
Speaker 1: SERI I wasn't doing to move on, you know what.
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna die and I don't wanna want to
Speaker 1: hang up. I'm just gonna die. I'm just gonna die.
Speaker 1: I'm fine, I'm done now. The other big feature that
Speaker 1: Apple announced is that the watch can now track a
Speaker 1: woman's menstrual cycle. Fertility and ovulation. Yeah, so if you're
Speaker 1: trying to conceive, it can tell you what time it is. Yeah,
Speaker 1: imagine that everything your cycle, your fertility, and your ovulation.
Speaker 1: A lot of people are excited about this, and a
Speaker 1: lot of Republicans heard this and they were like, Mary,
Speaker 1: that's our job. Retracked the ladies. Man, what are you're doing?
Speaker 1: An apple? But enough about apple, Let's talk about Barack Obama.
Speaker 1: You guys remember him? Remember him? Was it was a
Speaker 1: black guy, good speeches, never stole nuclear secrets from the government.
Speaker 1: It's been more than five years since I'm a left office,
Speaker 1: but earlier today he showed up at the White House
Speaker 1: again to retake power. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
Speaker 1: He was met to unveil the painting former President Obama
Speaker 1: and First Lady Michelle Obama. We're back at the White House,
Speaker 1: restoring a tradition, unveiling their official White House portraits. Rock Michelle,
Speaker 1: it's my honor and invite you both to the stage
Speaker 1: for the unveiling of your official portraits. Come on, there,
Speaker 1: you go. I want to thank Sharon Sprung for capturing
Speaker 1: everything I love about Michelle, her grace, her intelligence, and
Speaker 1: the fact that she's fine. Call get a room, you do,
Speaker 1: oh you don't know, seriously, in a room at the
Speaker 1: White House and help Biden figure shut out. Please just
Speaker 1: get a room. There is so great. I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 1: I I am not an art expert. You know, I
Speaker 1: don't know the difference between Michelangelo and the other Ninja turtles.
Speaker 1: But what is going on with the Obama portraits? Like?
Speaker 1: Why why is he standing in a white void? I
Speaker 1: don't know, Like what I don't I don't get it
Speaker 1: looks like he got his portrait taken at the d
Speaker 1: m V. Why does it look like this? It's just
Speaker 1: like my license expired. So let's kill two birds with
Speaker 1: one stone. What is he doing here? No, because these
Speaker 1: portraits are gonna hang in the White House forever. You
Speaker 1: understand that they should look white house like. Look at Michelves,
Speaker 1: she looks like a movie star painted by a flinch
Speaker 1: utiasts Obama's looked like they ran out of printed toner
Speaker 1: for the background. There's there's nothing in the you know,
Speaker 1: if you ask me, it's it's actually kind of ridiculous
Speaker 1: that they even do portraits anymore. Just take a picture
Speaker 1: a The only reason they did portraits. Back then, they
Speaker 1: didn't have technology. Just take a picture of portrait takes
Speaker 1: so much time. You're gonna sit there for three hours
Speaker 1: while they're painting you, and then when they finally done,
Speaker 1: they're like, okay, now a silly one. Also, it must
Speaker 1: be it must be really weird to live in a
Speaker 1: house with portraits of your enemies. Do you ever think
Speaker 1: about that? Because they hang these in the White House,
Speaker 1: but you're not in the White House anymore. The first
Speaker 1: things in the White House probably doesn't roll with you.
Speaker 1: So you just got enemies in your heart. Like imagine
Speaker 1: if we had to do that. Imagine if every one
Speaker 1: of us were like showing people around your house, like
Speaker 1: this is my actually cheated on me and he says
Speaker 1: the guy who beat me up in fifth grade, Brad,
Speaker 1: he was pretty strong, pretty strong guy. That's what presidents
Speaker 1: have to do. Obama had to walk down halways looking
Speaker 1: at George W. Bush's picture. Donald Trump had to sit
Speaker 1: on the toilet with a portrait of Bill Clinton looking
Speaker 1: down on him. You know, she's like, look away, I
Speaker 1: can't go and I'm being watched. I can't go it.
Speaker 1: Why did I put the picture in the bedroom? You
Speaker 1: know it would actually be cool. It would be cool
Speaker 1: if these portraits were alive like in Harry Potter. Yeah,
Speaker 1: wouldn't that amazing? Because then if Trump did go back
Speaker 1: to the White House, Obama's portrait would be there helping
Speaker 1: him out. Donald, Donald, be careful with those documents. There
Speaker 1: are there are classified. Don't don't eat, don't eat while
Speaker 1: you read them. Donald, You're you're getting catch up all
Speaker 1: over them? What's wrong with you? Quick? Quick? The Saudi
Speaker 1: ambassadors coming hid the documents? No, no, don't, don't sell
Speaker 1: the documents of the sudey ambassador. Come on, Donald, Donald,
Speaker 1: what what are you doing? God? This bitch is dumb?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I can't believe it. Before we go,
Speaker 1: please consider supporting the Kids in Need Foundation. They go
Speaker 1: to under resource schools and provide much needed supplies like backpacks, books,
Speaker 1: and so much more so, if you want to help
Speaker 1: them create a more equitable learning environment in America, then
Speaker 1: please check out the link below. What's the Daily Show?
Speaker 1: Weeknight Central Learned Comedy Central in stream full episodes anytime
Speaker 1: on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast