1 00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:05,359 Speaker 1: Wine Down with Jane Kramer and I Heart Radio podcast. 2 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:13,640 Speaker 1: Hi girls, Oh Angels in Unison, I'm here for this. UM. 3 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:17,520 Speaker 1: So we have Judge Lynn Toler coming on today's episode, 4 00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:21,400 Speaker 1: and I'm really excited because I would love to ask 5 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:25,080 Speaker 1: you guys. So there, She's got a new UM, a 6 00:00:25,079 --> 00:00:27,360 Speaker 1: new show out called Commit or Quit. So basically she 7 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:33,320 Speaker 1: goes into married people's houses and then she she makes 8 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:35,520 Speaker 1: the decision like whether or not they should be married 9 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:37,640 Speaker 1: or not at the end of the day. Would you 10 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:43,319 Speaker 1: guys ever do that? I mean, like, I'm sorry, yeah, well, 11 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:46,320 Speaker 1: we're just asking one person right now. I would not 12 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:50,680 Speaker 1: do that. I would not do that. I what's the 13 00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:56,240 Speaker 1: difference between that and marriage therapy? But they but they 14 00:00:56,280 --> 00:01:00,520 Speaker 1: actually send like but they actually see it ins and 15 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:05,920 Speaker 1: like you do sometimes wish Chad exactly. That's not just 16 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:09,080 Speaker 1: the reporting, the live reporting of the interaction, right, Yeah, 17 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:12,320 Speaker 1: I agree, that's that was cool. Um. If it was Chad, 18 00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:14,120 Speaker 1: I would say, yes, nabe Chad with the gavel. But 19 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:16,679 Speaker 1: I don't know. It's hard when someone doesn't. I mean, 20 00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:20,880 Speaker 1: I'm sure she researches the families, the couples and knows 21 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:24,240 Speaker 1: some dynamic. But can I say something about that. Please, 22 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:26,479 Speaker 1: here's what would be hard for me if I had 23 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:30,119 Speaker 1: or needed to do that or did do that. Amy 24 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:33,399 Speaker 1: and I always talk about how not to compare your 25 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:37,320 Speaker 1: relationship to other people's relationships because everyone's is different. So 26 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:39,520 Speaker 1: I think that would be hard because you can from 27 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:43,280 Speaker 1: the outside looking in, you can easily judge anyone's relationship. 28 00:01:43,319 --> 00:01:45,640 Speaker 1: In my opinion, um, I think that there can be 29 00:01:45,959 --> 00:01:48,160 Speaker 1: things that you think are unhealthy or things that people 30 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,080 Speaker 1: So I feel like that would be kind of tough, 31 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,120 Speaker 1: and that could be something interesting to ask her to, 32 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:56,280 Speaker 1: like how what because obviously you're not going to walk 33 00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:59,360 Speaker 1: in and be like, oh this. There's no perfect relationship, 34 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,240 Speaker 1: Like there's going to be someone that could be passive 35 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:03,600 Speaker 1: one day, or there can be like some you know, 36 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:06,240 Speaker 1: emotions or whatever. So it's like I wonder what she 37 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:10,680 Speaker 1: does to make that final decision. But and and also 38 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:14,120 Speaker 1: like I mean, shoot, Mike and I had all the 39 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:17,120 Speaker 1: tools in the world to make our relationship work, and 40 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,760 Speaker 1: sometimes we practice them and sometimes we didn't, you know, 41 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:23,080 Speaker 1: So it's like it's hard, you know. I mean, like 42 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:24,600 Speaker 1: you in Preston, like you guys go to a couple 43 00:02:24,639 --> 00:02:26,440 Speaker 1: of therapy and so sometimes like you go in there 44 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:27,840 Speaker 1: and it's like things are great, and then also it's 45 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:30,720 Speaker 1: like the next time, it's like it's not great right 46 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:32,600 Speaker 1: because he's not working on the things, and it's like 47 00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:35,760 Speaker 1: it's hard. Yeah, it's like the bullet points. Some visits, 48 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:37,639 Speaker 1: it's like just catching up, and then some visits and 49 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:41,120 Speaker 1: like in this and this and this. I also do 50 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:44,480 Speaker 1: feel though, like she probably because she's done her job 51 00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:49,359 Speaker 1: for so long, probably can sense and it's probably red 52 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:51,680 Speaker 1: flag eat to her. There's probably I just made that 53 00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:55,840 Speaker 1: at certain but yeah, there's certain things that throw up 54 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:58,040 Speaker 1: red flag that should be like, m I've seen this before, 55 00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:01,040 Speaker 1: Like this is just not gonna work. Remember when you 56 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:04,560 Speaker 1: and Mike first sat down with Chad. Yeah, he told 57 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:07,399 Speaker 1: us to get divorced. He was like, I don't think 58 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:09,320 Speaker 1: it's gonna work. And I'm like what. I was so 59 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:11,519 Speaker 1: angry because I'm like I didn't think a therapist could 60 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:16,280 Speaker 1: say that I've because I mean I would actually don't 61 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:19,840 Speaker 1: know that. I would beg amy to say, Amy, please 62 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:22,240 Speaker 1: just tell me what to do, like tell me what 63 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:24,400 Speaker 1: to do. And she's like, I can't make that decision 64 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:26,320 Speaker 1: for you. And then finally at the very end, she 65 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:30,360 Speaker 1: was like it's time like get up. Oh yeah, that 66 00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:33,520 Speaker 1: was you. Um, but I know I remember saying now 67 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:35,440 Speaker 1: with Chad and he was just like, I just don't 68 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,600 Speaker 1: see this happening. And he's like, I think you guys 69 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,640 Speaker 1: should separate, and I'm just like, whoa, what, Like this 70 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,720 Speaker 1: is our first session with you. So I bet she 71 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:45,160 Speaker 1: has seen some of those things too, and it's for 72 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:48,040 Speaker 1: her to call maybe not easy as the word, but 73 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:50,880 Speaker 1: I bet she can make a more professional opinion based 74 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:54,040 Speaker 1: on how they act, whether there's some longevity or not. 75 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:59,120 Speaker 1: It's just so hard because so I was talking to 76 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:00,920 Speaker 1: one of my girlfriends. I'm not going to mention her name, 77 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:04,920 Speaker 1: but she's she just filed for divorce with her husband 78 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:08,800 Speaker 1: Shells in l A. And she's she called me, well, 79 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,240 Speaker 1: she sent me some pictures. She's like, update, I'm talking 80 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:13,720 Speaker 1: to this guy, but there's some red flags but he's great, 81 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:17,559 Speaker 1: and I'm like, and now being in the dating world 82 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:20,440 Speaker 1: and like seeing the red flags and not running from 83 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:23,200 Speaker 1: those red flags now, I'm like, girl, like no, like. 84 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:26,080 Speaker 1: But then at the same time, I'm like, well, I 85 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:29,719 Speaker 1: don't know, it's like how big is the red flag? Right? 86 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,280 Speaker 1: Like if I was to go back into the dating world. 87 00:04:32,279 --> 00:04:34,360 Speaker 1: It scares me, to be honest, I don't know anybody's 88 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,799 Speaker 1: doing it. But then like, I'm sure there's red flaggy 89 00:04:36,839 --> 00:04:38,880 Speaker 1: things about me making it a word again, what's wrong 90 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:42,360 Speaker 1: with me? But I'm sure there are depends for sure. 91 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:44,440 Speaker 1: I mean I definitely would have red flags. So I 92 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:47,680 Speaker 1: think it just kind of depends on But it's like 93 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:51,640 Speaker 1: a red flag in progress. Yeah, yes, that's tough. I 94 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:53,760 Speaker 1: guess it just depends, like what kind of red flag, 95 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:56,240 Speaker 1: like a make or break or you know, I mean see, 96 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:58,480 Speaker 1: to me, a red flag would be if someone lies, 97 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,720 Speaker 1: But I think it means something different for everyone. Like 98 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,920 Speaker 1: I guarantee you when Nick starts dating again, a red 99 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:08,080 Speaker 1: flag for him would be someone that's not as affectionate. 100 00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:13,240 Speaker 1: Is that a red flag or is that just something 101 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:15,839 Speaker 1: that's you know what I'm trying to say, because I'm like, 102 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,719 Speaker 1: I don't think that's a red flag. I think that's 103 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:21,720 Speaker 1: just more of like like for me, if someone's not affectionate, 104 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:25,520 Speaker 1: that's not a red flag. That's just that's just they're saying. 105 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,320 Speaker 1: So I'm like, that just not wouldn't work for me, 106 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:29,760 Speaker 1: but you need to have something to her. I guess 107 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:31,520 Speaker 1: it just depends what her red flags? Do you see 108 00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:33,920 Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Like, like if the FBI came while 109 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:36,520 Speaker 1: they were going to dinner, red flag? Okay, but is 110 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:39,279 Speaker 1: it that's because it's her red flags were like in 111 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:42,160 Speaker 1: the very beginning, it was like and I've experienced this 112 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,800 Speaker 1: too with one of my last relationships where I was 113 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:46,640 Speaker 1: like the person told me they loved me within like 114 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:51,600 Speaker 1: eight days. I have so many things to say. I 115 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:54,000 Speaker 1: know I have too in the past because I'm just 116 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,400 Speaker 1: such a lover. Like it's just like I'm the lover 117 00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:00,039 Speaker 1: and I'm like, I love too soon. But that's a 118 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:02,120 Speaker 1: red flag. But that is a red flag. That is 119 00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:05,039 Speaker 1: a love bombing red flagg. That is a total red 120 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:07,480 Speaker 1: flag trap. It feels like a trap. I will tell 121 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:10,560 Speaker 1: a girl I love her quickly, that's different. But I 122 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:12,680 Speaker 1: wouldn't tell like I will never. I mean I had 123 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:15,760 Speaker 1: a guy told the lady I loved her today. Yeah 124 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:18,480 Speaker 1: that's yeah. I think I see that so different. Um. 125 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:20,520 Speaker 1: I also think another red flag that she said was 126 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:27,480 Speaker 1: he uh oh he um, he doesn't have like a 127 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:31,760 Speaker 1: good um or no, he doesn't like well this is again, 128 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:34,200 Speaker 1: this is he doesn't he doesn't have he's a hoarder. 129 00:06:34,279 --> 00:06:36,160 Speaker 1: He's got a lot of stuff in his house. And 130 00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:38,960 Speaker 1: but is that a red flag? Is that just something? 131 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:42,039 Speaker 1: Definitely don't think that's red. It's just not one of 132 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:43,920 Speaker 1: your red flags. But it could be fair. He told 133 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,360 Speaker 1: her he loved her and he's a hoarder. Oh she's out. 134 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:52,520 Speaker 1: I am out a separation, anxiety from everything. Well, then 135 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:56,000 Speaker 1: there's the red So that's the red flag. Then is connecting? 136 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:58,599 Speaker 1: What like? Why do we hoard? Why do you love me? 137 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:02,360 Speaker 1: Why are you trapping me? Yeah? Judgeling Toller is is here, 138 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:03,880 Speaker 1: So let's take a break and then we'll get back 139 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:06,159 Speaker 1: on this conversation because I think it's interesting some points 140 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:21,640 Speaker 1: that we should circle. Background too. Do we all rise? 141 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:27,840 Speaker 1: And we all rise? She wanted to hear that. You 142 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:36,040 Speaker 1: say that like you're our girl. No need to get up? Good? 143 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:39,640 Speaker 1: How are you do? I sound okay? Look okay, you 144 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:44,960 Speaker 1: look beautiful. Thank you very much, thank you? Okay, So, um, 145 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:47,760 Speaker 1: two of us are divorced, well, one's going through a divorce, 146 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:51,840 Speaker 1: one is divorced, one was previously divorced, and I'm not 147 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:54,440 Speaker 1: get married. So you need a minute and a flash 148 00:07:54,480 --> 00:08:03,200 Speaker 1: guard for all that. Sorry, um, so I'm already just 149 00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:09,200 Speaker 1: like no, I okay, so she's it's going through hers. 150 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,520 Speaker 1: I mean, I'm a I'm a year out of mind. 151 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:14,480 Speaker 1: But is as a divorce lawyer, is there something that 152 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:18,480 Speaker 1: you think people miss going through that process that is 153 00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:23,400 Speaker 1: important that they should um, you know, do or whatever? Yeah, 154 00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:28,880 Speaker 1: don't wait to live until it's over. Divorce is a 155 00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:32,200 Speaker 1: it's a business deal that you can do over here, 156 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:34,680 Speaker 1: and you can live your life over here. So don't 157 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:39,000 Speaker 1: forget to live and enjoy while you're you're you're taking 158 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:43,480 Speaker 1: out to trash because a lot of people just focus 159 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:46,720 Speaker 1: on that alone. They you know, I've failed. My whole 160 00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:51,240 Speaker 1: life is unraveling. No, I'm disassociating with this. I'm living 161 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:54,200 Speaker 1: over here, and you're not divorced. Once you're over, you 162 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:58,280 Speaker 1: get a divorce, then you're just single again. You know, 163 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:07,959 Speaker 1: are you married? Uh? Thirty four years? I couldn't tell. 164 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,520 Speaker 1: With the joy that came over and you said you're divorced, 165 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:15,280 Speaker 1: I was like that a feeling? Or is that? How? 166 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:18,439 Speaker 1: So thirty four years? How do you guys sustain and 167 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:23,920 Speaker 1: keep that beautiful marriage going. We were strong believers in 168 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:26,640 Speaker 1: marriage counseling. We went to marriage counseling before we got married, 169 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:30,240 Speaker 1: and and we don't wait till things get ugly. We 170 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:33,079 Speaker 1: go early, you know stuff, I've been all for a 171 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:36,079 Speaker 1: couple of months. We run over there because you know, 172 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:39,079 Speaker 1: we want an eye on it. And that way you 173 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:42,760 Speaker 1: can only go once or twice. They kind of they 174 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:45,000 Speaker 1: stoke you up, that get you together, and you go 175 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:49,080 Speaker 1: about your business. Do you ever? Yeah, I mean, shoot, 176 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:51,240 Speaker 1: I mean, god, without the money that we all spent 177 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:54,800 Speaker 1: on a couple of therapy. Um. I remember having one 178 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:57,560 Speaker 1: couple of therapists though that and they went to them 179 00:09:57,800 --> 00:09:59,880 Speaker 1: that person as well, and I almost felt like the 180 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:03,040 Speaker 1: we're pitting us against each other too. Oh, you gotta 181 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:05,760 Speaker 1: frighten the right one. Yeah, I mean, because people are people, 182 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:07,680 Speaker 1: and just because you were therapists don't mean you've got 183 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:11,440 Speaker 1: any sense. So if you go there and realize, you know, 184 00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:14,640 Speaker 1: there are fools in every profession, and it's like, I mean, 185 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:17,520 Speaker 1: it's almost as hard to find a good therapist as 186 00:10:17,559 --> 00:10:19,720 Speaker 1: it is to find a good good husband or wife 187 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:22,600 Speaker 1: because you really, both of you have got to get 188 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,640 Speaker 1: that person and that person has to get to both 189 00:10:24,679 --> 00:10:27,720 Speaker 1: of you. So uh, you know, it can be it 190 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:30,240 Speaker 1: can be hard to do, but you should always shop 191 00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:34,720 Speaker 1: until both parties are comfortable. My my lawyer had said 192 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,920 Speaker 1: something to me too when I filed from divorced my 193 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,400 Speaker 1: acts and he was just like, don't remarry him. And 194 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,120 Speaker 1: I was like, what, Like why why would I remarry him? 195 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:43,680 Speaker 1: Like what do you mean? It's like you'd be surprised 196 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:46,760 Speaker 1: how many people actually remarry their acts like it did 197 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:50,320 Speaker 1: not work. Don't marry And I was like, and then 198 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:52,280 Speaker 1: it end up. He's like, he's like the amount of 199 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:56,280 Speaker 1: times that I've had to like, have you know a divorce, um, 200 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,679 Speaker 1: you know, to redo it. It's just I'm like, wow, 201 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:01,920 Speaker 1: I did not even like yeah. And Facebook is good 202 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:04,160 Speaker 1: for that too, because you can find somebody you like 203 00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:07,280 Speaker 1: twenty years ago on Facebook and you forget all the 204 00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:09,120 Speaker 1: reasons why you get rid of them, and you get 205 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:12,280 Speaker 1: back together. Then you realize, oh my god, you know 206 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:13,960 Speaker 1: what I mean, Oh my god, I see why I 207 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,360 Speaker 1: got ready you. But you don't remember. You just remember 208 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:22,840 Speaker 1: the wrong stuff. I don't know anything about that judge. Okay, 209 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:25,679 Speaker 1: so commit or quit. We were talking about um, you 210 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:29,600 Speaker 1: know that show and you know you get the final 211 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:33,360 Speaker 1: say basically to to to stay married or to divorce, 212 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:35,480 Speaker 1: and we were we were curious, like what is the 213 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:39,679 Speaker 1: what thing do they do that? Because you don't know 214 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:41,920 Speaker 1: their circumstances, and I'm sure you know some of them, right, 215 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,839 Speaker 1: but like, like what you know what their traumas are, 216 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,680 Speaker 1: what you know how they or maybe shoot, maybe they're 217 00:11:47,679 --> 00:11:51,240 Speaker 1: going through a bad you know, you know, bad time 218 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:53,959 Speaker 1: in their life. And it's like and people can work, 219 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,240 Speaker 1: I think, so, so what's the what's the line for 220 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,640 Speaker 1: you to go Okay, no, like this is not gonna work, 221 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:02,800 Speaker 1: versus like this kind work. Okay. You know, it's interesting. 222 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:04,600 Speaker 1: Most of the people that call the show have been 223 00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:08,040 Speaker 1: in the washing machine of an unexamined marriage for a 224 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:11,320 Speaker 1: long time. So they've been together for seven years, so 225 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:13,800 Speaker 1: it's pretty much played out. You just gotta figure out 226 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:18,680 Speaker 1: what it is. I talked to his representatives. I talked 227 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:21,360 Speaker 1: to her representatives. I talked to mom, I talked to dad, 228 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:24,880 Speaker 1: I talked to cousins. I wire up their house, I 229 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:28,240 Speaker 1: go through their text messages, I go through their history. 230 00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,760 Speaker 1: I do a lot of work, and then I give 231 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,920 Speaker 1: them based upon what I see, I'll give them an exercise, 232 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,280 Speaker 1: make them do something like you have to do this 233 00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:38,360 Speaker 1: task together, but you need to do this, this and 234 00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:41,360 Speaker 1: this and based I can see if they can learn, 235 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:43,880 Speaker 1: if they can get past where they were, if they're 236 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:46,800 Speaker 1: paying attention to it, and you would be you would 237 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:51,439 Speaker 1: be amazed, remarkably clear. That answer is so much so 238 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:57,400 Speaker 1: that of the nine couples, only one of them disagreed 239 00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:01,120 Speaker 1: and went back to what I said not to do. Really, 240 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:05,600 Speaker 1: do you think they come in knowing already the answer? Listen, 241 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:08,880 Speaker 1: I think a couple of the guys call just so 242 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,559 Speaker 1: they can have a third party there when they dumped 243 00:13:11,559 --> 00:13:16,079 Speaker 1: a chicken, you know what I do? And I realized 244 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:19,040 Speaker 1: like halfway through, as ther boyfriend was out the door, 245 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:23,640 Speaker 1: he had is a moment papers under the table was 246 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,920 Speaker 1: out the door and it was like, you know, she 247 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,880 Speaker 1: was a lot, and he didn't want to just go. 248 00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:35,360 Speaker 1: He wanted assistance and he also needed record. Yeah, he 249 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,400 Speaker 1: feels like he wanted you know, you know, she was 250 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:44,160 Speaker 1: tearing up his stuff and interesting is there is there 251 00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:46,120 Speaker 1: a quality in someone though that you kind of go, 252 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:48,480 Speaker 1: that's a red flag? Like what to you? What is 253 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:51,760 Speaker 1: a red flag? One guy? I think it's gonna be 254 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:55,720 Speaker 1: tonight episode red flag was I asked him what's wrong 255 00:13:55,760 --> 00:14:01,560 Speaker 1: with you? And he said nothing? Oh bye, mm hmm. 256 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,960 Speaker 1: I got actually so normally when people say that, I 257 00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:08,240 Speaker 1: have a series of questions that I asked them and 258 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:11,200 Speaker 1: they finally come around to realizing, yes, there are the 259 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,080 Speaker 1: following things are wrong with me. And the first one 260 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,840 Speaker 1: I say, you're not self aware, because you're not perfect. 261 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:18,760 Speaker 1: So after self aware, what could it be? And then 262 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:22,080 Speaker 1: I would ask a number of questions leading him to all, right, 263 00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:25,320 Speaker 1: this is another fault I have, and this is another one. 264 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:31,400 Speaker 1: He couldn't do it. He was unable to form his 265 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:36,160 Speaker 1: lips in a sentence that said anything negative about him, 266 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:39,960 Speaker 1: and it was it was his lack of self awareness 267 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:45,760 Speaker 1: was remarkable. Yeah, yeah, I got so hard I had 268 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:50,600 Speaker 1: to leave the room. Yeah, it bothers me. And she 269 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:54,240 Speaker 1: was she was one of those unheard women. She was 270 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:58,600 Speaker 1: whittled away. Uh. You know. She would watch him as 271 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,760 Speaker 1: he talked, to make as she talked, to make sure 272 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:06,240 Speaker 1: he wasn't bristling at a at something she said, and 273 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:11,400 Speaker 1: you know it was he was belittling and it was 274 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:16,960 Speaker 1: just she had lost her voice completely. And um, I 275 00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:20,000 Speaker 1: knew it was was dead in the water in the beginning, 276 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,240 Speaker 1: but I had to. I had to get her there. 277 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:29,160 Speaker 1: Mm hmmm, because he was fine. You know what I mean, 278 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,360 Speaker 1: he got everything he wanted. He was fine. A lot 279 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:35,520 Speaker 1: of them are you know? Um is so you said 280 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:37,480 Speaker 1: seven years? Is there a minimum that they have to 281 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:40,480 Speaker 1: be married to even apply to do this show? Okay, 282 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:44,160 Speaker 1: you can be and there was silent No, No, I'm 283 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:47,000 Speaker 1: not interviewing for myself. I actually really loved my husband. 284 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:48,840 Speaker 1: But I would love to I would love you to 285 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:52,280 Speaker 1: wire my house sometimes right right, just to see what's 286 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:56,800 Speaker 1: going on. There's a problem. You don't know, just a little. 287 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:02,200 Speaker 1: He's an artist, so you know, there was some come 288 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:04,200 Speaker 1: around there. He's a four year old bachelor when I 289 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:06,680 Speaker 1: met him, and so there was a slow like he 290 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:11,880 Speaker 1: was fine, and creatives are hard sometimes because they think differently, 291 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:15,400 Speaker 1: they engage in the world differently. They're not necessarily as practical. 292 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,360 Speaker 1: So I mean, I don't know if that's his thing, 293 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:21,720 Speaker 1: but are like that. Well. I also think in this industry, 294 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,480 Speaker 1: and I will go probably get slammed for saying this, 295 00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:27,600 Speaker 1: but there is an entertainment industry, there is this like 296 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,840 Speaker 1: you have to have a little bit of narcissism on 297 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:33,240 Speaker 1: a sliding scale to be able to survive, because you 298 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,320 Speaker 1: have to think you're great when people don't think you're great. 299 00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:39,040 Speaker 1: So we just had to chicks to be all together 300 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,800 Speaker 1: in act ready to go. Yeah, you have to be 301 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:45,760 Speaker 1: your own advocate no matter what. Absolutely, so tell me okay, 302 00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:49,080 Speaker 1: I'm sime No please go go girl, gro girl. Okay. 303 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:51,200 Speaker 1: So what are the tasks? When you say I give 304 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,720 Speaker 1: them a task? Is it like putting together ikea furniture 305 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:58,320 Speaker 1: or is it like sending them out of it? Could be, 306 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:01,920 Speaker 1: but on the furniture, I will have like as they 307 00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,800 Speaker 1: turn them over, it will be something that they said 308 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:07,879 Speaker 1: or that they did. For the woman without the voice, 309 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:09,880 Speaker 1: I told her to follow out a red flag every 310 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:12,159 Speaker 1: time he heard her feelings so he could have a 311 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:16,240 Speaker 1: physical representation of what you know, you know, when he 312 00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:19,800 Speaker 1: was actually you know, given her the business. Or I 313 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:24,399 Speaker 1: will do something like if you're upset about something, you 314 00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:26,000 Speaker 1: write it on a stick and you put it in 315 00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:29,120 Speaker 1: ice and you freeze it, and in order to get 316 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:31,640 Speaker 1: rid of that stick, he has to break the ice 317 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:35,120 Speaker 1: with some act that frees you from the pain that's 318 00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:38,040 Speaker 1: on that stick. And they can't do anything else until 319 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:41,320 Speaker 1: they get that done. So to require them to physically 320 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:45,760 Speaker 1: do that makes them have each and every conversation about 321 00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:50,000 Speaker 1: each and everything that is an issue and they can't. 322 00:17:50,359 --> 00:17:52,200 Speaker 1: You know, people get on the topic and then they 323 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:54,560 Speaker 1: fly over again, they fly over there and they never 324 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:58,320 Speaker 1: get finished or they start fighting. But that holds their 325 00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:01,239 Speaker 1: feet to the fire and they have the conversation that 326 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,240 Speaker 1: they hadn't had in four or five years about what 327 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:06,520 Speaker 1: they need to do. Well, you have to have ownership 328 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:10,119 Speaker 1: to get that accomplished. Somebody own something. You got to 329 00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:13,480 Speaker 1: own it. And we're so good at deflecting, and we're 330 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:16,400 Speaker 1: so good at technically that was not my fault in 331 00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:19,240 Speaker 1: order to process this hope that everybody's got an equal 332 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:22,600 Speaker 1: number of complaints and and and they know I'm going 333 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:24,720 Speaker 1: to talk to him about it the next day. They're 334 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:29,480 Speaker 1: required to engage in a way that does something positive. 335 00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:32,560 Speaker 1: Or the fact that they are unable to engage in 336 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:36,320 Speaker 1: a way that they can just resolve that tells me 337 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:39,320 Speaker 1: something as well. When we first went to a couple 338 00:18:39,359 --> 00:18:41,160 Speaker 1: of therapists, we went because we didn't know how to fight. 339 00:18:41,359 --> 00:18:44,800 Speaker 1: We didn't fight well. I got Michigan real straight up, 340 00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,400 Speaker 1: real fast, and it was just like and I'm sharp, sharp, 341 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,240 Speaker 1: sharp at the words, and it just wasn't fair. Um. 342 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:52,200 Speaker 1: And he used to come to me and say, oh, 343 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:55,399 Speaker 1: you're gonna love this. He used to say, I'm sorry 344 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:59,639 Speaker 1: we fought, and I'm like, well, that's not an apology, 345 00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,240 Speaker 1: that's not owning anything. That's just like, I don't even 346 00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:07,320 Speaker 1: know what that is. I'm sorry your feelings and I'm 347 00:19:07,359 --> 00:19:09,760 Speaker 1: sorry I said that, And then that would heat up 348 00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,720 Speaker 1: the Michigan and then things to get riled up again, 349 00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:13,480 Speaker 1: and I was like, Okay, we just got to break 350 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:16,399 Speaker 1: the cycle and get to someone, right. Yeah, And I 351 00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:18,720 Speaker 1: think that's why people should go to a therapist beforehand 352 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:21,800 Speaker 1: to teach you how to fight. We took personality tasks. 353 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:23,960 Speaker 1: He told us what we were going to run into, 354 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:27,960 Speaker 1: you know who. You know, I was not amenable to 355 00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:33,359 Speaker 1: the institution of marriage as a whole. So here the 356 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,639 Speaker 1: problems you're gonna have, you're gonna get, you're gonna get 357 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,119 Speaker 1: sick of him, You're gonna you're gonna want So I 358 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:41,600 Speaker 1: we bought a house where I had my own bedroom mhm, 359 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:46,120 Speaker 1: because you know, we realized this chick needs a lot 360 00:19:46,119 --> 00:19:50,800 Speaker 1: of a loane time like that, somewhere to go, you 361 00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:52,440 Speaker 1: know what I mean, and wouldn't have to go there 362 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:55,399 Speaker 1: very often because I knew it was there. It's like 363 00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:58,160 Speaker 1: Carrie Bradshaw. She just needed her own apartment on little 364 00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,520 Speaker 1: place that she can go visit whenever. She That means nothing, 365 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:05,199 Speaker 1: it's just it's it's something that it is funny Like 366 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,040 Speaker 1: four years ago, I walked up the street and bought 367 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:11,800 Speaker 1: another house. You cannot and what are we all going? 368 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:15,800 Speaker 1: That's what I want to do. Dot even tell him 369 00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:19,680 Speaker 1: it wasn't closing. I said, oh baby, let me show you. 370 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,480 Speaker 1: And it was a little bitty house. And then I said, 371 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,800 Speaker 1: I'm gonna take it down to the studs and I'm 372 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:28,600 Speaker 1: I got my neighborhoods, a contractor, and I put bard 373 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:35,080 Speaker 1: my little laboom box and I'm in my house. WoT 374 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:41,320 Speaker 1: it running right? It was great in my place tonight, husband, 375 00:20:41,359 --> 00:20:44,920 Speaker 1: are you gonna stay? Let's do it. I'll bring the champagne. 376 00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:47,520 Speaker 1: We have a place like that too. It's called Jane's House. 377 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:53,320 Speaker 1: The body burning out. I mean, you know every Wednesday night. 378 00:20:53,359 --> 00:20:56,080 Speaker 1: Don't have the kids, so you know, like, yeah, I 379 00:20:56,080 --> 00:21:02,120 Speaker 1: get the bedrooms, and now women don't. Women don't as 380 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,480 Speaker 1: easily as man. I mean, maybe it's just because it's 381 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:09,040 Speaker 1: my generation and I'm hanging out with mothers. Uh, carve 382 00:21:09,119 --> 00:21:13,159 Speaker 1: out that time just to kick it and enjoy themselves 383 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:17,119 Speaker 1: and each other. We we tend to be very you know, 384 00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:19,960 Speaker 1: if I'm not doing something for somebody, I'm wondering what 385 00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:23,400 Speaker 1: I'm missing. And you know, you really have to make 386 00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:28,280 Speaker 1: an effort to prioritize your own joy sometimes, you know 387 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:32,600 Speaker 1: what I mean, that's somebody else because you you get there. 388 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:35,639 Speaker 1: What about the Amber Herd and Johnny Depp trial, Like, 389 00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:38,560 Speaker 1: do you think they that's a that's a hard, hard, 390 00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:41,040 Speaker 1: hard laugh. You know. I only saw bits and pieces 391 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:47,040 Speaker 1: because you can't avoid it because it's it's everything. Um. 392 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:50,159 Speaker 1: The the recordings that they had of her were just 393 00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:55,639 Speaker 1: you know, they'll never believe you. Donnie Depp is getting 394 00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:59,400 Speaker 1: hurt by a woman. Yeah, I didn't really watch so 395 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:03,760 Speaker 1: so I don't know. We're It's just when you put 396 00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:07,040 Speaker 1: two loony people in in the same tomb, this is 397 00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:10,560 Speaker 1: what you get. I feel like to some people can 398 00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:12,520 Speaker 1: just not be right for each other. Like I think 399 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,360 Speaker 1: there's certain men that I've dated that have brought out 400 00:22:15,359 --> 00:22:18,360 Speaker 1: the worst in me because of my past childhood traumas 401 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,639 Speaker 1: or and I think a lot of the things that 402 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:22,760 Speaker 1: I had heard and that was like, you know, I 403 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:25,600 Speaker 1: think she reminded him a lot of his abusive mom 404 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:28,360 Speaker 1: and like, so I think you you you end up 405 00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:31,560 Speaker 1: and then that's just a recipe for disaster too, you 406 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:34,679 Speaker 1: know that kind of situation. So yeah, I agree. We 407 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:39,040 Speaker 1: all have you know, luggage with our initials in Boston, 408 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:41,840 Speaker 1: you know what I mean, We all do. So you 409 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:43,679 Speaker 1: know you gotta you kind of gotta come with a 410 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:46,960 Speaker 1: guy and carry your bags and you can carry is. Yeah, 411 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:52,439 Speaker 1: I can carry everybody else's bags sometimes secret bags. Like 412 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:54,600 Speaker 1: I was like, oh, he only has he just got 413 00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:55,879 Speaker 1: to carry on. And then all of a sudden the 414 00:22:55,920 --> 00:23:02,440 Speaker 1: curtain opened and I was like they all for days on. Oh, 415 00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:05,359 Speaker 1: yes they do. It's just like we do. They just 416 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:08,080 Speaker 1: don't talk about it. What they they buddies like we do. 417 00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:13,439 Speaker 1: They talk stro we talk? What did? He says? I 418 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:16,320 Speaker 1: think the thing that always bugs me is like in 419 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:20,240 Speaker 1: past relationships where they can just they basically crap all 420 00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:22,360 Speaker 1: over your side of the street and then they're like, hey, 421 00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:24,080 Speaker 1: have fun cleaning it up. Like they don't help you, 422 00:23:24,119 --> 00:23:25,960 Speaker 1: they don't have empathy for what they did, or they 423 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:27,680 Speaker 1: just like kind of just like how you doing it 424 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:29,560 Speaker 1: over they're cleaning it up, like not even just like 425 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:35,640 Speaker 1: it's like, well, so relationships. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's 426 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:38,919 Speaker 1: hard for them, I will say, though, I've had a 427 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:42,320 Speaker 1: really hard time saying sorry too, though in certain situations 428 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:46,399 Speaker 1: where I've said it a lot more recently. Um, but 429 00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:48,040 Speaker 1: when I was married, I did have a hard time 430 00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:50,919 Speaker 1: saying sorry because I was always like I always kind 431 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:52,760 Speaker 1: of pointed the finger back, yeah, well you did this, 432 00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:55,480 Speaker 1: And so that's something that I've noticed too. It's like, Okay, 433 00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:57,600 Speaker 1: we could I have done better in certain situations, but 434 00:23:58,119 --> 00:24:00,440 Speaker 1: my husband and I had to reverse situation. He could 435 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:04,119 Speaker 1: never say sorry, and I'm I'm quick to say, oh, 436 00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:06,800 Speaker 1: that was my part, that was my part, and we 437 00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:10,040 Speaker 1: got into this habit of like a hundred things went wrong, 438 00:24:10,359 --> 00:24:12,520 Speaker 1: ninety nine of them were his, one of them was mine. 439 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:14,960 Speaker 1: I would say, oh, that part was mine, and the 440 00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:19,959 Speaker 1: conversation was over and I was and I kind of like, 441 00:24:20,119 --> 00:24:22,960 Speaker 1: after years of doing that, I was like, oh, he 442 00:24:23,119 --> 00:24:26,800 Speaker 1: thinks I'm always wrong. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have cursed no, 443 00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:31,560 Speaker 1: welcome to line down here. But I shouldn't have always 444 00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:33,640 Speaker 1: said my back because because he came out of each 445 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:36,720 Speaker 1: of those situations where she's wrong, she's wrong, she's wrong, 446 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:41,399 Speaker 1: she's wrong. That led us back to a marriage counsel 447 00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:44,760 Speaker 1: because we were on the brink because I couldn't understand 448 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,720 Speaker 1: why he was so mad all the time, and he 449 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:50,919 Speaker 1: couldn't understand why he was so dissatisfied. And we realized 450 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:54,720 Speaker 1: that it was, you know, I had taken ownership of 451 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:58,800 Speaker 1: every negative thing that had happened in the marriage inadvertently 452 00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:04,240 Speaker 1: made us both man. That's interesting because he felt he 453 00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:06,000 Speaker 1: got you know what I mean, he was just like 454 00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:09,159 Speaker 1: her again, Look she did that again, and him and me, 455 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:10,800 Speaker 1: I was feeling like I never get it wrong, and 456 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:13,160 Speaker 1: I never get it right, you know what I mean? 457 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:15,640 Speaker 1: I do. Actually, that's a really it's a really good point. 458 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:19,040 Speaker 1: It's made make a misspending the same. I get like 459 00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:23,600 Speaker 1: that and friendships a lot. I feel like I'm very 460 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:25,720 Speaker 1: quick to say sorry to just make it better, but 461 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,159 Speaker 1: then I'm unhappy in the end because I'm like, why 462 00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:31,000 Speaker 1: did I own that? Like that wasn't or that part 463 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:32,840 Speaker 1: of it wasn't my fault or that part And so 464 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:35,560 Speaker 1: I struggled with And the weird thing about people is 465 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:38,160 Speaker 1: once you own it, they'll be very happy for you 466 00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:41,840 Speaker 1: to keep it, and they honestly believe as time goes on, 467 00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:45,080 Speaker 1: they they as they're attenuated from the because they kind 468 00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:47,560 Speaker 1: of know in the circumstances what they did wrong. But 469 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:50,400 Speaker 1: once they say you own it, after time goes by, 470 00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:52,560 Speaker 1: you just you just end up owning all of that 471 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:55,600 Speaker 1: and they forget that they even did have a part 472 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:58,480 Speaker 1: to play. So it's it's it's a dangerous business to 473 00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:01,480 Speaker 1: be in. Yeah, that's a really good point. That is 474 00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:04,520 Speaker 1: so true because I'm just thinking back. I'm like being like, 475 00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:07,640 Speaker 1: I'm sorry, but I'm like, we haven't no, Like I'm 476 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:11,960 Speaker 1: reminding a lot of tapes in my head. Yeah, because also, 477 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:14,240 Speaker 1: like I like things to be tidy. So if I 478 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,119 Speaker 1: can own a piece of it, anything we can do 479 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,959 Speaker 1: to get us out moving forward, like let me own that, 480 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:21,600 Speaker 1: let me own that, it's it's easier. I have now 481 00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:26,480 Speaker 1: defaulted to humor. And just so you know, and there's 482 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,120 Speaker 1: a friend I like, just so you know, I said 483 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:30,760 Speaker 1: I did this this, just so you know I saw 484 00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:33,720 Speaker 1: what you did too. But I'm gonna leave it right there. 485 00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,399 Speaker 1: I mean, I just don't let it. I don't let 486 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:38,280 Speaker 1: it go. Or maybe like a couple of months later, 487 00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:41,520 Speaker 1: I said, yeah, I know that happened, but you'll remember that. 488 00:26:42,119 --> 00:26:44,520 Speaker 1: Blah blah, blah blah blah, is what you did and 489 00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:47,800 Speaker 1: just leave it there. Let it say, just leave it 490 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:50,240 Speaker 1: there and don't ask him. I used to always want 491 00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:54,640 Speaker 1: to get to argue to capitulation. You know him, he's 492 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:57,880 Speaker 1: got to say, yeah, baby, you're right. And my mother said, 493 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:01,440 Speaker 1: you wasted your time with that. It's too hard for him. 494 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:04,200 Speaker 1: And as long as they do the right thing, which 495 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:06,600 Speaker 1: you need what you need him to capitulate for, I 496 00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:09,440 Speaker 1: don't care how right you are. It doesn't matter as 497 00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:13,040 Speaker 1: long as he does it right. From then on, that's 498 00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:16,800 Speaker 1: his apology. Take it and keep it moving. I'm sorry, 499 00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:21,080 Speaker 1: it doesn't look like i'm sorry some specifically like for 500 00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:23,360 Speaker 1: me and a lot of my relationships with men like there, 501 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:27,119 Speaker 1: I'm sorry, isn't I'm sorry that it'll be a different 502 00:27:27,119 --> 00:27:30,399 Speaker 1: apology language or just changing that's such a good like 503 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:33,679 Speaker 1: if they just change the action or the act that 504 00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:36,840 Speaker 1: is apologizing too, that's so interesting. And my mother had 505 00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:39,080 Speaker 1: to teach me to be satisfied with that because years 506 00:27:39,119 --> 00:27:42,119 Speaker 1: I weren't. I wasn't and I was just unhappy he 507 00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:44,480 Speaker 1: was getting what I want, but I was unhappy that 508 00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:48,159 Speaker 1: I couldn't get that. And she says, she, you're asking 509 00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:53,800 Speaker 1: for something you don't need anyway. Change. Yeah, I feel 510 00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:56,479 Speaker 1: like the last apologies I've gotten were like I'm sorry 511 00:27:56,520 --> 00:27:59,119 Speaker 1: that I did this. It's just I felt, you know, 512 00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:01,359 Speaker 1: like I can do this or that, and I'm like, 513 00:28:01,359 --> 00:28:04,119 Speaker 1: so then it just so then it was just totally 514 00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:05,760 Speaker 1: I was like, oh, so then it's my faults, Like, 515 00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:08,520 Speaker 1: so then what you did your action is then my faults. 516 00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:09,840 Speaker 1: I'm like, I but I didn't know that you were 517 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:12,080 Speaker 1: having an issue with X, Y and Z like it. 518 00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:14,200 Speaker 1: But then they just like twisted on you. And that's 519 00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:16,119 Speaker 1: like the part that I'm just like, I'm just like, 520 00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:19,720 Speaker 1: help me understand this. Like that's where I just get well, 521 00:28:19,720 --> 00:28:22,480 Speaker 1: I am sorry. It is a complete sentence period. It's 522 00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:25,240 Speaker 1: when there's all the taglines that things start getting turned 523 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:29,960 Speaker 1: back right. No, it can get funky and people do that. 524 00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:33,760 Speaker 1: I remember I had a guy in the marriage boot 525 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:36,360 Speaker 1: camp and he was a subject shifter. So they would 526 00:28:36,359 --> 00:28:38,720 Speaker 1: be talking about subject A in the moment she made 527 00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:43,240 Speaker 1: a good point, he'd shift to a point one point one, 528 00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:46,560 Speaker 1: she'd make a good point, he shipped to a two, 529 00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:50,280 Speaker 1: and finally like about it a twelve she would she 530 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:53,000 Speaker 1: would be wrong, and he said that's all I was 531 00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:57,160 Speaker 1: trying to tell you from the beginning. Wow. And I 532 00:28:57,280 --> 00:28:59,400 Speaker 1: walked him through that neither one of them saw because 533 00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:01,440 Speaker 1: she she was right there with them and she doesn't 534 00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:03,360 Speaker 1: know where she went wrong. And I made I walked 535 00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:19,680 Speaker 1: through it. Wow. Is there a couple that you were 536 00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:23,440 Speaker 1: just like you really rooted for them to work like that. 537 00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:25,080 Speaker 1: You were just like if you guys just both just 538 00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:29,080 Speaker 1: get out of your own way kind of vibe. Yeah, 539 00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:33,680 Speaker 1: on on this show either doesn't matter. Like you've seen 540 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:35,520 Speaker 1: that too, Like you just are like and it's like 541 00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:39,959 Speaker 1: Tis Dale versus Johnson on Divorce Court. It's old school. 542 00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:43,480 Speaker 1: But she was just angry all the time. You know. 543 00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:48,640 Speaker 1: She would just get angry about everything all the time. Beautiful, intelligent, check, 544 00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:52,840 Speaker 1: wonderful dude, and like if somebody a car almost hit him, 545 00:29:52,880 --> 00:29:54,400 Speaker 1: she would talk about it all day long. I can't 546 00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:56,360 Speaker 1: believe that guy, I can't believe it. She was in 547 00:29:56,400 --> 00:29:59,440 Speaker 1: the habit of being angry, and her body expressed a 548 00:29:59,440 --> 00:30:01,840 Speaker 1: lot of court us all and all of that at 549 00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:05,840 Speaker 1: every small implication. And she was a really nice person. 550 00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:08,560 Speaker 1: She just had that one hiccup and he was trying 551 00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:12,120 Speaker 1: to write it and I said, we talked about it, 552 00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:14,520 Speaker 1: and I said, the last part of this proceeding, we're 553 00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:17,640 Speaker 1: gonna talk about coming back from crazy. I'm talking to 554 00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:20,760 Speaker 1: you and I'm gonna tell you you can get back 555 00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:25,560 Speaker 1: from crazy. And and I did. I said, first of all, 556 00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:27,840 Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong being crazy. I said, people have called 557 00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:30,360 Speaker 1: me crazy, and I don't mind it at all. So 558 00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:32,840 Speaker 1: trying to get her on the page where we're gonna 559 00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:36,160 Speaker 1: enjoy each other here and talked about it, and it 560 00:30:36,160 --> 00:30:39,480 Speaker 1: it was like okay, And she cried because she realized 561 00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:44,520 Speaker 1: how angry she was, how unnecessary it was, and that 562 00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:49,640 Speaker 1: she could stop because she couldn't stop. And to know 563 00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:52,440 Speaker 1: that she was eight, that you can stop that, and 564 00:30:52,480 --> 00:30:57,400 Speaker 1: to give her away to do it. She was just overjoyed. Man, 565 00:30:57,520 --> 00:31:00,200 Speaker 1: that's such a good feeling when you're like, because I him, 566 00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:03,560 Speaker 1: I'm like ever really angry. I'll just start bawling crying, 567 00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:08,440 Speaker 1: like two seconds later. I'm angry all the time. It 568 00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:10,479 Speaker 1: makes me so mad. Well, And the thing is, it's like, 569 00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:13,040 Speaker 1: I remember when I was about to go to this 570 00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:15,240 Speaker 1: retreat place and I was just I was so angry. 571 00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:17,880 Speaker 1: And then I'm being sharp tongued and but I'm on 572 00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:20,000 Speaker 1: mute and I just start bawling crying, because it's like 573 00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:22,760 Speaker 1: that's the real emotion, Like I'm hurt, I'm sad, but 574 00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:26,640 Speaker 1: like my what I'm projecting is my you know, Detroit anger, 575 00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:28,800 Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Yeah, just defense and like 576 00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:31,240 Speaker 1: just like and then you know, I'm bawling, crying and 577 00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:33,040 Speaker 1: mute and I come back on. I'm sharp tongued again 578 00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:38,880 Speaker 1: and again like yeah, but it's it's wild. But where 579 00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:43,360 Speaker 1: are you based? Phoenix, Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona. Okay, you're just 580 00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:48,400 Speaker 1: you're amazing, your breath of fresh air. So thank you, Columbus, Ohio. 581 00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:55,560 Speaker 1: That's why that northern Middlewest Michigan. Okay, there you go. 582 00:31:56,520 --> 00:31:59,680 Speaker 1: We just do it now. We know why we like 583 00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:02,200 Speaker 1: you exactly. And I was like, where have you been? 584 00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:05,400 Speaker 1: I know? Well, thank you so much for coming on 585 00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:08,360 Speaker 1: wine down. Um, we're gonna tell everyone to watch to 586 00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:10,560 Speaker 1: watch your shows. And you're just you're the best. So 587 00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:12,840 Speaker 1: thank you so much, Thank you so much. Ladies, you 588 00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:19,680 Speaker 1: have a wonderful afternoon to be running around together. It's demoralized. 589 00:32:21,080 --> 00:32:26,960 Speaker 1: It's not dirty to me. Oh my god, I love her. 590 00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:31,240 Speaker 1: She's so love I loved I girl crushed a little. 591 00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:34,440 Speaker 1: I mean, she's and she was amazing. I have another 592 00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:40,600 Speaker 1: question on your lap. She's inappropriate. If I ever have 593 00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:43,400 Speaker 1: another marriage, I would love to have my own bedroom. 594 00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:48,280 Speaker 1: I knew. I knew that was the one thing. It 595 00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:51,560 Speaker 1: was like, if Catherine got anything out of this down 596 00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:54,280 Speaker 1: the street of me. I was like, Catherine is like, 597 00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:57,560 Speaker 1: she wants the she wants the bedroom. I think that's okay. 598 00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:00,400 Speaker 1: I just think it's it's not every night. She said 599 00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:02,240 Speaker 1: that she didn't even have to use it that often 600 00:33:02,280 --> 00:33:05,280 Speaker 1: because she knew I was there right, just like it 601 00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:07,320 Speaker 1: was there right, it'd be good for me because then 602 00:33:07,360 --> 00:33:11,680 Speaker 1: I would definitely probably anyway. I love her. That is 603 00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:16,400 Speaker 1: so funny. So there was something what there was some 604 00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:21,240 Speaker 1: movie or show she like, Oh The Proposal with Ryan 605 00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:24,440 Speaker 1: Reynolds and Sandra Bullock. She's like telling this entire story 606 00:33:24,520 --> 00:33:27,320 Speaker 1: and she's like going into like, you know this really 607 00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:30,280 Speaker 1: like hard childhood and that she hasn't had sex in 608 00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:36,000 Speaker 1: um a year or something, and then Ryan goes, you 609 00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:37,680 Speaker 1: have had sex in one year. She was that's what 610 00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:40,880 Speaker 1: she got out of it. That's what It doesn't remind 611 00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:44,479 Speaker 1: me of got more out of it. I just know 612 00:33:44,560 --> 00:33:47,640 Speaker 1: I know. I was just so funny to get my 613 00:33:47,680 --> 00:33:51,280 Speaker 1: own room, all right, But I think that's something though 614 00:33:51,280 --> 00:33:53,640 Speaker 1: that like when you do start dating, Oh my gosh, 615 00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:56,040 Speaker 1: wish is just so crazy, like to think about it, 616 00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:58,360 Speaker 1: like Katherine daty and I'm gonna be front row. I'm 617 00:33:58,360 --> 00:34:00,640 Speaker 1: getting a table at every restaurant side of her, like 618 00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:05,480 Speaker 1: I would die just bumping into you here. But it's 619 00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:08,200 Speaker 1: just so crazy because it's been like on the Queendom Chat, 620 00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:10,560 Speaker 1: it's been you know, me rolling and being like all right, guys, 621 00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:13,359 Speaker 1: like welcome this dude to the Queendom chat, like let's 622 00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:15,680 Speaker 1: see you know. Then we're all like now, like Catherine 623 00:34:15,719 --> 00:34:20,800 Speaker 1: gets to do that, so fine, you won't talk queendo 624 00:34:20,840 --> 00:34:24,239 Speaker 1: when you start dating, you will tell me who will 625 00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:30,839 Speaker 1: tell Queendom? Queendom And we do not keep secrets from 626 00:34:30,880 --> 00:34:32,920 Speaker 1: Queendom because we realized the last time what happens when 627 00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:35,719 Speaker 1: you keep secrets from Queendom. We're the one that told 628 00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:41,239 Speaker 1: Queendom about the divorce, which one I had permission, but 629 00:34:41,360 --> 00:34:44,720 Speaker 1: she said what happened time someone kept something from Queendom? 630 00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:49,920 Speaker 1: Her kept things from Queendom because I didn't Yes, they 631 00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:54,799 Speaker 1: weren't want to hear yes, um, but is there so 632 00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:59,040 Speaker 1: you don't think you tell people because it's the fun 633 00:34:59,160 --> 00:35:03,279 Speaker 1: part that's like this, like this one person texted me 634 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:04,520 Speaker 1: and I'm like, I don't know what to say back. 635 00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:05,920 Speaker 1: What do I say back? It's like it's like that, 636 00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:08,560 Speaker 1: like it's fun to like involve, like I don't know, 637 00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:12,000 Speaker 1: like it's it's not is it? Is it fun? Fun? 638 00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:14,280 Speaker 1: You're the one that came back with the cute, flirty response. 639 00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:18,040 Speaker 1: It's fun to be the person you're you're texting asking 640 00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:20,840 Speaker 1: what I should say. It's fun to feed the lines. 641 00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:22,680 Speaker 1: It's not fun to give them, even I'm not really 642 00:35:22,680 --> 00:35:25,120 Speaker 1: good at lines, but I came up with I was like, 643 00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:27,440 Speaker 1: because I'm just like I'm not. I was like, who's 644 00:35:27,440 --> 00:35:32,120 Speaker 1: coming out of retirement? It was such an easy one 645 00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:34,799 Speaker 1: though it was given to us. But it's fine. But yeah, 646 00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:37,200 Speaker 1: because I'm just kind of like, like, you know, I'm like, 647 00:35:37,239 --> 00:35:40,560 Speaker 1: how do you like like flirt nowadays? Because usually I'm 648 00:35:40,600 --> 00:35:45,359 Speaker 1: just like do it trying to watch you flirt? Yeah, 649 00:35:45,400 --> 00:35:47,720 Speaker 1: but now I'm excited to watch you flirt. I don't flirt. 650 00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:50,560 Speaker 1: I'm going to be there. I can't wait. The creepy 651 00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:53,279 Speaker 1: friend at the other table, like I can't wait to 652 00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:57,400 Speaker 1: kind of like you know, dress cat up. Yeah, I like, okay, 653 00:35:57,440 --> 00:36:02,080 Speaker 1: which one do you like? Cat in the Wild Instagram series? 654 00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:04,799 Speaker 1: But just for fun, like obviously, like you know, if 655 00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:07,839 Speaker 1: this isn't like it's just it's fun to just go 656 00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:10,040 Speaker 1: out and have a good time. It's not for not 657 00:36:10,239 --> 00:36:13,000 Speaker 1: marrying this dude. You know, it's like, I'm good, but 658 00:36:13,040 --> 00:36:14,480 Speaker 1: it might be kind of fun to just be like 659 00:36:14,920 --> 00:36:17,759 Speaker 1: it's flirt a lit that is I don't know which 660 00:36:17,760 --> 00:36:21,759 Speaker 1: one worse literally disappeared off this catch like every conversation 661 00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:27,520 Speaker 1: we have further away. That's so okay, Well, red flags, 662 00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:29,520 Speaker 1: We're gonna be very careful of them. We will. I 663 00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:32,440 Speaker 1: kind of want to get like someone on that you 664 00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:35,080 Speaker 1: can like dive deeper with red flags, because I think 665 00:36:35,960 --> 00:36:38,120 Speaker 1: I'd like to know some more things to look out 666 00:36:38,120 --> 00:36:39,719 Speaker 1: for in the dating world. So we need to get 667 00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:42,879 Speaker 1: like a dating one on one. Oh I reached there's 668 00:36:42,880 --> 00:36:45,239 Speaker 1: someone on Instagram that yeah, so we're gonna try and 669 00:36:45,239 --> 00:36:48,160 Speaker 1: get him on. I need to be here obviously. I 670 00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:51,000 Speaker 1: don't want to see him. Yeah. I loved his little motto. 671 00:36:51,080 --> 00:36:52,480 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I know that was cool. I don't want 672 00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:55,880 Speaker 1: to seem like seem gross, like oh yeah, like he 673 00:36:56,040 --> 00:36:58,560 Speaker 1: just was like I loved what he had to say, yeah, 674 00:36:58,600 --> 00:37:00,560 Speaker 1: so we need to get someone like dating one oh one, 675 00:37:00,840 --> 00:37:03,719 Speaker 1: some kind of red flag things so that hopefully they 676 00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:08,880 Speaker 1: if anyone hears this, and if anyone hears this, um, 677 00:37:08,880 --> 00:37:23,040 Speaker 1: but I love you guys and season by