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Speaker 1: Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rad and I

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Speaker 1: Heart Radio and two time People's Choice Award winning podcast. Hello, everybody,

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Speaker 1: we are scrubbing in. Um, it's Tanya here. Becca is

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Speaker 1: actually not going to be in today. She had a

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Speaker 1: family emergency and it's actually really tragic and sad, and

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Speaker 1: so I've been sending prayers to her family. So if

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Speaker 1: you guys could do that, that would be really really great. Um,

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Speaker 1: But everybody else is here today. So we have Mark,

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Speaker 1: and we have Eastan, and then our guest co host

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Speaker 1: today is Matthew Hussy. Ladies and gentlemen. Hello, it's so

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Speaker 1: nice to be here. We've done we're working our way

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Speaker 1: through every platform. I feel like we've done stuff everywhere,

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Speaker 1: but we've never done it here on your podcast. I'm

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Speaker 1: really excited that you're not just like a guest and

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Speaker 1: that you're gonna be co hosting the entire episode because

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Speaker 1: I feel like you are in such high demand and so,

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Speaker 1: and Becca said she wasn't going to be back in

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Speaker 1: time to do the podcast. I was just like, I

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Speaker 1: really hope we can get Matthew Hussey in here, because uh,

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Speaker 1: I just obviously I just love you just at a

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Speaker 1: personal level, and I just think that you have such

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Speaker 1: great advice and um people have been really wanting you.

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Speaker 1: So it's just going to be a great, great show. Thanks.

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Speaker 1: I really I feel lucky to be here, and I'm

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Speaker 1: exciting because I know people have questions, so I'm looking

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Speaker 1: forward to And I think I was talking to Becca

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Speaker 1: a lot about just like everything that's going on with

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Speaker 1: her family, and she was just saying how it makes

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Speaker 1: you realize how fleeting life really is. You know, like

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Speaker 1: one minute you're here, one minute you're gone, and so

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Speaker 1: she was just like, it's making me feel like I

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Speaker 1: want to, like, you know, I just live more. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I think that, you know. I mean, people have talked

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Speaker 1: about this idea that when things normalize there's going to

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Speaker 1: be some sort of roaring twenties resurgence. I think that people,

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Speaker 1: whether or not that's true, people feel that on some level.

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Speaker 1: I think it's made people very aware of what they

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Speaker 1: want to do, where they want to go, you know,

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Speaker 1: what trips they want to go on, and who they

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Speaker 1: want to spend time with. It's uh, yeah, times a

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Speaker 1: scary thing. And I think so it's the first podcast,

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Speaker 1: so normally what we would do is we would like

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Speaker 1: talk about our vision boards and the words that we

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Speaker 1: picked for the marks laughing. Um, so we can save

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Speaker 1: all that for when Becca comes back. Um, because there's

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Speaker 1: just so much to dive into. I can just tell

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Speaker 1: us your word, though, Can you just tell us your word? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: So my word for is all in. And I think

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Speaker 1: I realized in I did a lot of stuff kind

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Speaker 1: of half in, half out. I just because I think

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Speaker 1: of this, the pandemic quarantine, I was like so distracted

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Speaker 1: or not, you know, fully present. And I think from

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Speaker 1: now on, if I'm committing to something like this podcast

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Speaker 1: right now, I am all in. I'm not gonna be texting.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to be reading my anything like I'm

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Speaker 1: all in here. I want only people that are all

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Speaker 1: in in my life. So no more half anything in

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Speaker 1: my life. That's my word. That's really cool. I like

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Speaker 1: that all in. I'm trying. Now You've got me thinking

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Speaker 1: about what my word would be. I do do it?

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Speaker 1: So do you do that? You have a word every year?

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Speaker 1: I do it because I I want to be I

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Speaker 1: don't I'm not being on making New Year's resolutions, but

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Speaker 1: I liked I really like to set intentions and goals

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Speaker 1: and so I do a vision board to set goals

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Speaker 1: and intentions, and then I feel like the word is

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Speaker 1: kind of what I use, is like my filter for

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Speaker 1: every like decision that I make. Yeah, wow, that's great,

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Speaker 1: that's great. I have so many things like I'm trying

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Speaker 1: to get better at now this year, I'm trying to

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Speaker 1: get better at getting back to people like I. One

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Speaker 1: of the things I realized, I set myself like a

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Speaker 1: goal last year that I was gonna reach out to

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Speaker 1: three people a day, and then I realized I didn't

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Speaker 1: do it ever, Like I literally never did it. Of

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Speaker 1: all the things on my to do list, that was

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Speaker 1: the one thing I never did. And I realized it

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Speaker 1: was because I had a fear that if I actually

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Speaker 1: did text Pete. It wasn't that I had to call people.

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Speaker 1: I literally all I had to do is text three

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Speaker 1: people a day, and I didn't do it. And I

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Speaker 1: realized it was because I was afraid that if I did,

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Speaker 1: it would begin conversations that I then couldn't finish and

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Speaker 1: that I was now just going to be a bad

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Speaker 1: guy a week from now because these people that I

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Speaker 1: reached out to first would now just be waiting for

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Speaker 1: a text back from me that they weren't going to get.

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Speaker 1: So I literally wasn't messaging people because I was worried

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Speaker 1: I wasn't going to message back once they messaged back. Uh.

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Speaker 1: And now I've decided, like a simple thing I'm doing

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Speaker 1: is I'm setting myself the goal of always getting back

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Speaker 1: to the people that get that come to me, rather

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Speaker 1: than opening up a bunch of new threads with other people.

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Speaker 1: If they if they text me or if they reach

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Speaker 1: out to me, I'm gonna be prompt about getting back

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Speaker 1: to them. That would be a that would be a

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Speaker 1: good starting point for me. You're already really good at that,

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Speaker 1: I think, Tanya, but I've been terrible. I am actually

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Speaker 1: pretty good that. I feel you're pretty good with that

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Speaker 1: with me, You get back to me pretty yeah with you? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: but you've just thrown me under the bus there with

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Speaker 1: all the people that might be listening, who I don't

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Speaker 1: get back to. Oh do you get back to Tanya?

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Speaker 1: And nice? You know, we've known each other for many years,

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Speaker 1: so I would just like to I feel like I

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Speaker 1: should be up, you know in that category. Tell that

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Speaker 1: to my mom. Oh that's so good to be fair.

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Speaker 1: I do get back to that woman I get back

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Speaker 1: to my mom. But there are people that I'm terrible at,

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Speaker 1: people I really care about. I'm always that's that's always. Uh,

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Speaker 1: that's the that's the thing. It actually has no relationship

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Speaker 1: to who matters the most. I there are people that

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Speaker 1: I don't get back to. You know, there was one

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Speaker 1: person in particular that I didn't. She was very kind

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Speaker 1: to me at the beginning of of last year, and

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Speaker 1: I meant to get back to her to say thank you,

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Speaker 1: and I built it up so much in my head,

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Speaker 1: like I like I wanted to call her and really

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Speaker 1: say properly thank you. I didn't want to send a text.

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Speaker 1: And a week went by, and two weeks went by,

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Speaker 1: and I kept putting it on my I need to

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Speaker 1: call her, I need to call her, need to call her,

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Speaker 1: I need it needs to be a proper thank you.

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Speaker 1: And with every week that went by, it felt like

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Speaker 1: the thank you had to get better and like the

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Speaker 1: whole thing, yeah, exactly, exactly now I need to compensate

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Speaker 1: for the fact that this thank you is coming too late,

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Speaker 1: and and it and in the end I didn't do it.

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Speaker 1: And I sent a message about three quarters of the

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Speaker 1: way through the year to say I'm really sorry, um,

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Speaker 1: because not only am I really grateful for what you did,

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Speaker 1: but now I'm truly embarrassed that I haven't said thank

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Speaker 1: you yet. And and it turns out she was quite

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Speaker 1: hurt by the fact that I hadn't, and I felt

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Speaker 1: awful because this was someone who's really good to me,

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Speaker 1: and and I just remember thinking in that moment, I've

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Speaker 1: got a long way to go yet, I'm still I've

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Speaker 1: still got a I've gotta work on this, because it's

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Speaker 1: you know you, that's something I you know, I teach

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Speaker 1: relationships and dating and blah blah blah human dynamics and

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Speaker 1: confidence and all of that. But man, some of the

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Speaker 1: most basic things you can get wrong when you take

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Speaker 1: your eye off the balls. So interesting because I think

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Speaker 1: that it's good that you recognize it. That's the first

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Speaker 1: step recognizing it. It sucked when when she sent me

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Speaker 1: a message back and said I was hurt. It really

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Speaker 1: like affected my day because I was just like this,

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Speaker 1: this is someone I actually like, revalue as a human

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Speaker 1: being and was good to me, you know, And I'm

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Speaker 1: definitely the like I was the one. You know, you

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Speaker 1: you have the best intentions. You you know that I

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Speaker 1: wanted to call you and say thank you properly, and

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Speaker 1: that was part of why, you know, this was partly

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Speaker 1: me being a perfectionist and and thinking I need the

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Speaker 1: best way to say thank you. Instead of giving an

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Speaker 1: eight out of ten thank you, just make it an

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Speaker 1: make it a seven, just do it. Instead of doing that,

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Speaker 1: I set the bar too high, and then I procrastinated

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Speaker 1: on it and lack of organization. So it's like, you know,

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Speaker 1: perfectionism meets lack of organization, and what you have is

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Speaker 1: someone who looks like they don't care. And it's it's

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Speaker 1: that that's when the wires really really get crossed, and

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Speaker 1: that's what's so sad often about just relationships. But I

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Speaker 1: felt horrible. I think, if anything, that's something I I'm

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Speaker 1: trying to be better at. But I'm also I think

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Speaker 1: the pandemic made me like really good at it because

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Speaker 1: I didn't have I wasn't seeing anybody, so I feel

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Speaker 1: like I had to go out of my way to

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Speaker 1: either send a text or send something nice to just

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Speaker 1: kind of share how I felt about these people in

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Speaker 1: my life, you know, but definitely something to get better on.

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Speaker 1: It always means so much when people do that. It

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Speaker 1: means so much, and I often underestimate how much it

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Speaker 1: means when I do it for other people. You know,

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Speaker 1: I recognize that it means a lot when someone does

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Speaker 1: it for me, but I, um, I continuously underestimate the

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Speaker 1: power has when I do it. So that's something I

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Speaker 1: remind myself of a lot. So you mentioned this. You

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Speaker 1: are a dating relationship expert. So many of the things

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Speaker 1: that I like, like use all the time and have

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Speaker 1: used my life, I learned from you from your book

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Speaker 1: Get the Guy like my whole Handkerchief. Analogy about how

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Speaker 1: like I always tell women, drop the handkerchief and let

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Speaker 1: the guy pick it up, because that's your kind of

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Speaker 1: way of tiptoeing into letting him make the first move

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Speaker 1: came from you. So that's when I met you, which

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Speaker 1: was when I don't remember what year that was, Oh

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Speaker 1: my god, maybe it must have been seven years ago,

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Speaker 1: something like that, six seven years ago at this point. Um.

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Speaker 1: And then one of the questions actually got from a

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Speaker 1: couple scrubbing in listeners was when are you going to

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Speaker 1: publish your next book? M mm hmm. Well, I don't

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Speaker 1: know if I can even talk about that yet, but

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Speaker 1: I suffice it to say I am. I'm I'm doing

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Speaker 1: a lot of work every day right now on a

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Speaker 1: special project. So yeah, I'm very I'm very Uh, I

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Speaker 1: am very excited about that because it's I'm I'm writing

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Speaker 1: at the moment, and I've never felt more passionate about right.

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Speaker 1: It's hard, you know what, Like you know, it's it's

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Speaker 1: hard having spoken about something so much. You know, I've

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Speaker 1: spoken about dating and relationships for well, I'm thirty three now,

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Speaker 1: I've been doing this since I was nine, and so

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Speaker 1: you know, it's been over a decade. And I realized

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Speaker 1: there's so many things I want to talk about, but

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Speaker 1: I all these videos I've done over the years, I

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Speaker 1: realized I haven't written the best book I can possibly write.

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Speaker 1: You know, that last book, Crazy as it sounds, I

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Speaker 1: wrote that when I was twenty four, and and that book,

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Speaker 1: as it was, a New York Times best seller, is

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Speaker 1: still a seminal best seller today in the in the

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Speaker 1: dating world, anyone who wants to pick up a book

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Speaker 1: on on how to date better, how to find a

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Speaker 1: tract and keep the right person, that is still one

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Speaker 1: of the main books out there that people buy. And

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Speaker 1: and yet I know, I'm like, oh my god, I've got,

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Speaker 1: you know, obviously, I've evolved so much since then, and

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Speaker 1: I have so much that I want to put on

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Speaker 1: the page. And I'm as I'm writing, I'm getting excited

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Speaker 1: because I really feel this is going to be the

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Speaker 1: best thing. That's very exciting. Um, you can't so is

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Speaker 1: it knocking me about dating? No, it is. It's gonna

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Speaker 1: be my It might it might be the last book

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Speaker 1: I ever write about about this subject. I don't know.

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Speaker 1: We'll see, but I'm like, I'm I'm writing it as

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Speaker 1: if I'm never going to say another word about this again. Interesting, Okay,

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Speaker 1: we got a lot of questions that were like kind

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Speaker 1: of not rapid fire, but a little bit more like quicker,

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Speaker 1: quick one liner questions. And then we've got some specific

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Speaker 1: emails that were just for you. So I think, Mark,

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Speaker 1: should we start out with like the quick, the quick

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Speaker 1: dating ones at the beginning, and then you can do

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Speaker 1: the emails more towards the end. Well, it sounds just fine.

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Speaker 1: Thanks for being here, Matthew. It's nice to have you.

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Speaker 1: And that was an interesting story because I think of

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Speaker 1: you as being somebody who's got it all together and

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Speaker 1: always does the right thing. So thank you for that.

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Speaker 1: Story that was great. You're very welcome, Mark. That is

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Speaker 1: the danger of my position in life is that I, uh, yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's hard to It's hard to screw up in those ways,

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Speaker 1: which is why I tried to mention them as often

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Speaker 1: as possible, remove any pedestal effects that might be uh,

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Speaker 1: as much as you can. All right, this is from Grace.

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Speaker 1: Where are your thoughts on the phrase of the idea

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Speaker 1: it'll happen when you least expect it when it comes

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Speaker 1: to dating. Grace's single. She's twenty four. Her friends were

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Speaker 1: all in relationships, and she thinks about wanting to be

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Speaker 1: in a relationship all the time. But is there value

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Speaker 1: from stepping away from the apps and the expectations and

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Speaker 1: just seeing where things take you. Is having expectations that

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Speaker 1: it's going to happen for her soon setting herself up

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Speaker 1: for failure? Well, Expectations can create a sense of both

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Speaker 1: impatience and continual disappointment when it doesn't happen or isn't

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Speaker 1: happening on some timeline that we've invented in our minds.

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Speaker 1: We have a blueprint for the way that we think

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Speaker 1: our life is supposed to go, and then we tend

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Speaker 1: to be very unhappy when our actual life is out

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Speaker 1: of sync with the blueprint. The idea of it happening

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Speaker 1: when you least expect it is. It's a tricky one

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Speaker 1: because there is there's truth to it. But here's where

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Speaker 1: the truth lies, and there's a There's a writer called

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Speaker 1: John k who wrote a book called Obliquity. He was

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Speaker 1: a professor at Oxford University, and the compliquity was about

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Speaker 1: the idea that the things we want in life are

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Speaker 1: best achieved indirectly. That if we want to make money,

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Speaker 1: then focusing on making money isn't the optimal way of

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Speaker 1: making money. It's providing a great service to the world.

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Speaker 1: It's understanding what gap there may be in the market,

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Speaker 1: is creating an incredible product, it's delivering value, it's building

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Speaker 1: an amazing team. All of these things lead to making

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Speaker 1: money as a byproduct. Our love lives operate in the

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Speaker 1: same way. I often think that people take far too

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Speaker 1: direct and approach in their love life. They're they're very

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Speaker 1: literal about the things that will improve their love life.

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Speaker 1: You know, let me go get my hair done, let

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Speaker 1: me get on a dating app, let me go on

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Speaker 1: as many dates as possible. And it's not that those

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Speaker 1: things are bad, of course, they are part of data.

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Speaker 1: But people don't. People continuously underestimate the things that seemingly

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Speaker 1: have nothing to do with our love lives, that have

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Speaker 1: a major impact on our love lives. And so if

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Speaker 1: you take you know, if you take two people that

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Speaker 1: meet at a friends engagement party, for example, and they're

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Speaker 1: asked for years after that, how did you guys meet?

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Speaker 1: And they say, well, you know, he looked across the

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Speaker 1: room and we made eye contact, and you know, I

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Speaker 1: went over to the catering stand and he came over

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Speaker 1: and he said high and then we we we you know,

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Speaker 1: the rest is history. Were now together, you'd say, wow,

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Speaker 1: it was all about that first moment when they made

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Speaker 1: eye contact and you know, he decided to say something.

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Speaker 1: But if you zoom out, you see the oblique picture

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Speaker 1: of how that came to be, which is, she had

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Speaker 1: friends that meant that she was at an engagement party

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Speaker 1: in the first place. He did too. They both had

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Speaker 1: schedules that were free enough that they could attend that

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Speaker 1: engagement party. They both lived in close enough proximity to

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Speaker 1: that city to be able to attend that engagement party.

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Speaker 1: If one of them had lived in the middle of

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Speaker 1: nowhere far away, they wouldn't have been able to come.

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Speaker 1: So there's all these things that had to be the

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Speaker 1: case for these two people to have that moment where

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Speaker 1: the eye contact occurred. And I find that in people's

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Speaker 1: love lives, they continually underestimate the big things that make

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Speaker 1: those little moments possible. So when I think about it

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Speaker 1: happening when you least suspect it, that's not that shouldn't

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Speaker 1: be a mandate to be reactive instead of proactive. It

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Speaker 1: should instead tell you that there are certain leathers you

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Speaker 1: can pull that are more subtle than just going on

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Speaker 1: another date. That if you make great friends, that always

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Speaker 1: mean you have something to do. That always mean you

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Speaker 1: have offers of places to go. And if you continuously

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Speaker 1: create new social groups or make a point to say

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Speaker 1: yes to invitations that you wouldn't normally say yes to,

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Speaker 1: that put you in a new environment with new people,

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Speaker 1: so that now you can meet a whole new network.

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Speaker 1: If you work on yourself so that you actually feel

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Speaker 1: good when you go out, and that makes you want

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Speaker 1: to go out more. If you have a life that

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Speaker 1: if you if you if you have a life that

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Speaker 1: brings people to you, if you even your time management

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Speaker 1: has an impact on your love life. Just being on

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Speaker 1: top of your time management. If you're not, you're not

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Speaker 1: going out, you've got too many other things to do,

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Speaker 1: you're disorganized, you're dysfunctional. It doesn't work. So all of

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Speaker 1: these things have an impact, and those are the things

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Speaker 1: that mean that all these right things are in place

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Speaker 1: so that suddenly you're on a hike and you meet

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Speaker 1: someone on that hike and you go, God, I wasn't

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Speaker 1: even expecting to meet anyone on that hike. Yeah, but

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Speaker 1: you were feeling good because you were feeling fit and healthy.

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Speaker 1: You were outside in a place where people can meet

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Speaker 1: in a casual environment, which because you were hiking and

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Speaker 1: doing sociabile activities, you were actually doing many of the

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Speaker 1: right things. The only thing that happened for you is

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Speaker 1: that someone happened to cross your path in that moment.

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Speaker 1: This actually brings me to another question that I got

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Speaker 1: a lot of from UM, and it was body image

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Speaker 1: issues and trying to date. So the lot the question

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Speaker 1: was they're not feeling the best about themselves that either

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Speaker 1: gained weight or just kind of feeling a little scruffy.

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Speaker 1: Should they wait to date until they are feeling their

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Speaker 1: best or what's your take on that? Listen. That kind

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Speaker 1: of thinking is the kind of thinking that becomes an

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Speaker 1: excuse to do nothing in every part of our lives.

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Speaker 1: M M. It doesn't matter what it is. You can

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Speaker 1: say that about anything. You can say I'm not You know,

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Speaker 1: I could have said back in the day, I'm not

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Speaker 1: I'm not Should I wait until I'm older before I

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Speaker 1: start working with people, are coaching people, and you have

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Speaker 1: to say, I'll do what I can right now. It

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Speaker 1: may not be the perfect version, but that's life. Isn't

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Speaker 1: about doing the perfect version of something? Is doing the

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Speaker 1: imperfect version of something. You could use that excuse to

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Speaker 1: not work out today. You could say, should I like,

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Speaker 1: should I wait until Jim's reopened? Like some parts of

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Speaker 1: the world, Jim's aren't open still, We're not in l A.

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Speaker 1: They're not open, right, so you could say, should I

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Speaker 1: wait until Jim's reopened? That's a recipe for disaster. Right.

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Speaker 1: We've got to say, Okay, there's an imperfect version of

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Speaker 1: me working out right now. Maybe it's not. My favorite

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Speaker 1: is the gym, but I don't get to do my

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Speaker 1: favorite right now. I have to go on a hiker,

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Speaker 1: I have to do an indoor workout, I have to

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Speaker 1: go for a walk or a run or whatever. You

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Speaker 1: So my my advice is accept that, Yeah, it may

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Speaker 1: be true that a month from now, two months from now,

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Speaker 1: three months from now, I'm gonna feel better about myself

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Speaker 1: when I get a haircut and I lose some white

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Speaker 1: and I do this. I'm not one of those people

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Speaker 1: that thinks you're just ah, you should just feel your

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Speaker 1: best right now. You're amazing, You're there, You're that. It's like, no,

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Speaker 1: you will. You will feel better when you feel healthier,

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Speaker 1: when you feel fitter, when you feel sexy. It will

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Speaker 1: make you feel better, that's for sure. But accept that

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Speaker 1: and just go, yeah, that's gonna make me feel five percent,

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Speaker 1: ten percent better. But that doesn't mean I can't do

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Speaker 1: something right now where I'm at, which is leads me

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Speaker 1: to another question that came up a lot um, which

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Speaker 1: was dating and in the pandemic. So how do you

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Speaker 1: do it? How do you meet people when you're scared

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Speaker 1: of COVID? What's the best approach? Well, this is all

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Speaker 1: about communication. Ultimately, It's more about communication than it is

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Speaker 1: about COVID in so many ways, because it's about saying

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Speaker 1: everyone has boundaries even on a normal date. Everyone has boundaries.

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Speaker 1: But like, I like kiss on a first date, and

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Speaker 1: that's how I like. I just like to see there's chemistry.

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Speaker 1: So I feel like I don't think i'd want to

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Speaker 1: be kissing any strangers right now, right right, But but

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Speaker 1: then you know that can be used even if that

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Speaker 1: could be used to flirt, you could be like, by

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Speaker 1: the way, you know, I would actually like to kiss

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Speaker 1: you right now, I hate COVID. You know it. You

393
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Speaker 1: can use that. It doesn't have to be this thing

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Speaker 1: that takes flirting off the table or take sexual tension

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Speaker 1: off the table, or and when you say something like that,

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Speaker 1: even though you're not kissing the person, and I agree with,

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Speaker 1: you learn you learn a whole lot about kissing. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I think there was even a study done that showed

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Speaker 1: the enormous number of people that decided not to continue

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Speaker 1: dating someone after the first kiss, which just shows you

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Speaker 1: how important the first kisses. Get it, get it on

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Speaker 1: the first date, you know, get it done. I But

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Speaker 1: if you can't, then you can still see how someone

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00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:26,960
Speaker 1: reacts to that flirtatious moment, and you can you know,

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Speaker 1: that's the pain, the fact that you're having to delay

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Speaker 1: that when it's something that would be normally be what

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00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:37,960
Speaker 1: you do is a bit of a pain. But um,

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00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,960
Speaker 1: but I don't think that, you know. I think ultimately

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Speaker 1: we have to all decide what we're comfortable with and

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Speaker 1: then get good at communicating that in a way that

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Speaker 1: is still fun. There's still kind of charming. You know.

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Speaker 1: It's the same as seeing someone on a date and

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Speaker 1: being like I would normally you know, the first I'm

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Speaker 1: someone who would normally walk straight up and give someone

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Speaker 1: a big hug, like that's my nature. I'm an affectionate person.

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Speaker 1: But you know, it's saying to someone I would normally

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Speaker 1: give you a big hug right now and say hi,

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Speaker 1: and I can only do one of those things right now,

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Speaker 1: but I'd like to give you a hug because you

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00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:16,280
Speaker 1: look great in that ship. You know. It's it's like

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00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:20,200
Speaker 1: using it, play with it. Don't just because something is serious,

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Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that it has to be approached with

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Speaker 1: a serious tone. You could say many serious things with

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Speaker 1: a playful tone and a wink. And I think that's

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Speaker 1: where people that's where people lose it a little bit,

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Speaker 1: is they they're like, oh god, it's such a difficult

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00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:38,920
Speaker 1: time and I've got but it's it can still be playful.

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00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:41,240
Speaker 1: And then look, once you decide you like someone, you

429
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:43,600
Speaker 1: can also you can always then see if you want

430
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:48,679
Speaker 1: to start like just seeing that person. That's true. I

431
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:51,159
Speaker 1: feel like this probably the pandemic took a lot of

432
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:57,919
Speaker 1: casual dating off the table, right it did for people

433
00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:04,720
Speaker 1: who care about not getting COVID. There's a decent number

434
00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:08,840
Speaker 1: of people that I think on that about you know

435
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:12,000
Speaker 1: that they're like throw caution into the wind. But there's

436
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:16,320
Speaker 1: for the people who are like either genuinely clinically vulnerable

437
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:18,960
Speaker 1: or people who just don't want to get sick and

438
00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:22,240
Speaker 1: don't want to risk it. Yeah, it's it's made that

439
00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:26,960
Speaker 1: it's made dating more serious in that sense. It's made

440
00:25:27,119 --> 00:25:31,159
Speaker 1: it's made the process a little more serious in that way,

441
00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:34,720
Speaker 1: and that's that can be that can be frustrating, but

442
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:38,320
Speaker 1: you know, it's also kind of interesting that you can

443
00:25:38,359 --> 00:25:41,639
Speaker 1: start to the sex is off the table in a

444
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:44,200
Speaker 1: in a different kind of way, so now you might

445
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:47,080
Speaker 1: actually get to know someone a little better. Like that's

446
00:25:47,119 --> 00:25:49,680
Speaker 1: that's kind of interesting to me that you might jump

447
00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:53,960
Speaker 1: into bed with someone less quickly and that as a result,

448
00:25:54,119 --> 00:25:57,359
Speaker 1: you might actually see if you can hold a conversation

449
00:25:57,400 --> 00:26:00,399
Speaker 1: with that person before it becomes clouded by whether you

450
00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:05,600
Speaker 1: have decent sex. Very true, very very true. If you

451
00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:08,880
Speaker 1: can't have a good conversation with someone before it gets intimate,

452
00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:12,959
Speaker 1: it you're going to be in trouble later on. Like

453
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:17,520
Speaker 1: intimacy isn't going to save you from having not being

454
00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:19,920
Speaker 1: able to pass the time with someone. But I think

455
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:24,400
Speaker 1: that often intimacy does mask that I think we sometimes

456
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:27,760
Speaker 1: get with people. I'm though, I have no issue with

457
00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:31,159
Speaker 1: people hooking up quickly, but I do think sometimes it

458
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:33,520
Speaker 1: masks the fact that we don't actually have a lot

459
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:36,760
Speaker 1: in common with someone, or we don't actually like the

460
00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:39,920
Speaker 1: hours don't pass that quickly if you take intimacy off

461
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:42,320
Speaker 1: the table and we're just having a conversation. And for

462
00:26:42,359 --> 00:26:45,240
Speaker 1: anyone who's serious about dating, if you're looking to just

463
00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:48,480
Speaker 1: hook up, it's a really annoying time. If you're looking

464
00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:52,240
Speaker 1: to find someone serious, then you know there's I forget

465
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:54,040
Speaker 1: the name of the guy, I always forget his name,

466
00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:56,879
Speaker 1: but there's a guy wrote a book, David Brooks. I

467
00:26:56,880 --> 00:27:00,480
Speaker 1: think it is but he said marriage is a fifty

468
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:07,119
Speaker 1: year conversation. And I think that we're often our early

469
00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:11,359
Speaker 1: intimacy often masks the fact that we're not going to

470
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:15,080
Speaker 1: be able to have a fifty year conversation with this person.

471
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:20,400
Speaker 1: I think that. I mean, when I was like dating

472
00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:24,680
Speaker 1: and I was having unattached sex, I was doing it

473
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:28,480
Speaker 1: before what I wanted was commitment, and so I realized

474
00:27:28,520 --> 00:27:30,040
Speaker 1: I kind of just like had this like epiphany and

475
00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:32,960
Speaker 1: I was just like, I'm not going to have unattached

476
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:35,080
Speaker 1: sex anymore. I just like took it off the table,

477
00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:38,760
Speaker 1: and it like changed the game for me. I mean,

478
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:43,320
Speaker 1: I didn't have sex for years, um, but I was

479
00:27:43,359 --> 00:27:46,480
Speaker 1: okay with it because it like changed the dynamic of

480
00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:49,199
Speaker 1: of my dating and like my pain that I was

481
00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:51,600
Speaker 1: in because I was just like having sex, giving my

482
00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:54,239
Speaker 1: body but not getting the commitment that I wanted. So

483
00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:59,520
Speaker 1: I was like actually a lot happier dating because of it.

484
00:28:01,359 --> 00:28:06,720
Speaker 1: I I am. I'm fascinated by the subject because I

485
00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:10,320
Speaker 1: don't think it's talked about with nearly enough nuances, like

486
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:14,520
Speaker 1: I don't have. I come to it very agnostic in

487
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:23,159
Speaker 1: the sense that I have zero religious background. I certainly, um,

488
00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:25,280
Speaker 1: it will be hard to charge me with the label

489
00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:29,720
Speaker 1: of being approved. So I look at the whole sex

490
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:31,639
Speaker 1: thing and I just tried to look at it objectively

491
00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:36,440
Speaker 1: and go, what's the what's the effect that it has?

492
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:39,720
Speaker 1: And I do think that there is an effect that's

493
00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:45,320
Speaker 1: not talked about of hooking up casually, even if all

494
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:49,320
Speaker 1: it does is sort of if it cheapens the act

495
00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:53,440
Speaker 1: to you to the point where it no longer you know,

496
00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:55,600
Speaker 1: you just kind of no longer know where you are.

497
00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:57,880
Speaker 1: I'm just like, I don't understand. And this is just

498
00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:00,360
Speaker 1: for me personally. I can only speak about my self.

499
00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:05,080
Speaker 1: But for me, the goal is to have a lifelong partner.

500
00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:06,480
Speaker 1: That's what I want, you know what I mean, Like,

501
00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:08,680
Speaker 1: that's the goal. I want to do life with one person.

502
00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:12,040
Speaker 1: I want commitment. And so for me, it was always

503
00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:14,320
Speaker 1: just like why would I be having sex with all

504
00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:18,840
Speaker 1: these people without that commitment that I want. I have

505
00:29:18,880 --> 00:29:20,800
Speaker 1: a vibrator, I can take care of myself, like I'm good,

506
00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:22,520
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, So I don't need to

507
00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:26,320
Speaker 1: be I don't need to be engaging in that and

508
00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:29,800
Speaker 1: giving my body in that way when I'm not getting

509
00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:31,959
Speaker 1: the commitment that I want. And so I think, like

510
00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:34,520
Speaker 1: I think it's it's a thing that I just remember

511
00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:37,720
Speaker 1: in my early twenties, so many girls just being like, oh,

512
00:29:37,720 --> 00:29:41,360
Speaker 1: it's fine, just like have fun, let lose live your life.

513
00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:43,560
Speaker 1: And it's like, I'm just not wired that way. And

514
00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:46,320
Speaker 1: I think that's okay because I recognize that about myself.

515
00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:50,640
Speaker 1: But here's I don't know if you've found this, but this,

516
00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:56,200
Speaker 1: to me is is relative age is relevant because I

517
00:29:57,560 --> 00:30:01,640
Speaker 1: you know, I don't drink much anymore like I'm. It

518
00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:06,880
Speaker 1: doesn't it doesn't make me feel good. It just makes

519
00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:09,920
Speaker 1: me feel much worse than it used to. And the

520
00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:13,479
Speaker 1: trade off just isn't the same. You know. It's like

521
00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:17,880
Speaker 1: and I'm sure I don't think I'm this isn't an

522
00:30:17,880 --> 00:30:20,080
Speaker 1: original thing from me. I'm sure there are other people

523
00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:21,840
Speaker 1: who have said this, but you know, the this the

524
00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:25,360
Speaker 1: idea that if someone drank in their thirties the way

525
00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:29,040
Speaker 1: they drink at college, you'd say this person has a problem,

526
00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:32,520
Speaker 1: like this person is an alcoholic, But when someone's twenty one,

527
00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:38,040
Speaker 1: you're like, they're at college. It. I think that any

528
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:41,160
Speaker 1: of those things, whether it's drinking, whether it's sex, or

529
00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:45,560
Speaker 1: there's certain things that that as people get older they

530
00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:50,440
Speaker 1: realize they start to make distinctions between what is a

531
00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:54,840
Speaker 1: what is a kind of healthy connection to a thing

532
00:30:54,920 --> 00:30:59,120
Speaker 1: that I have and what is me just being this

533
00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:05,360
Speaker 1: sort of pleasure seeking animal that is thinking that true

534
00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:09,040
Speaker 1: satisfaction is on the other side of of this orgasm

535
00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:13,080
Speaker 1: with this person or you know, or this drink or

536
00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:17,200
Speaker 1: this drug or this whatever. And it's I do think

537
00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:20,560
Speaker 1: that people. I see it a lot with people in

538
00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:23,840
Speaker 1: their thirties, that there starts to be a shift where

539
00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:27,200
Speaker 1: they start to think, you know what, this doesn't quite.

540
00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:30,320
Speaker 1: This doesn't work for me the same way it used to.

541
00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:35,240
Speaker 1: And I can't pretend to have a completely in different

542
00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:37,800
Speaker 1: relationship with this thing in the way that I used

543
00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:41,080
Speaker 1: to behavior. And for me, I never used to have it,

544
00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:43,560
Speaker 1: Like I never had that chip in me that was

545
00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:47,400
Speaker 1: just like unattached sex is fun for Tanya. But I

546
00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:50,600
Speaker 1: tried to brainwash myself that I had that chip, you know,

547
00:31:50,600 --> 00:31:52,600
Speaker 1: because I'm like, I'm young and this is fun and

548
00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:55,040
Speaker 1: I'm you know, like, once you get married, that's it

549
00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:56,680
Speaker 1: for life, and you know what I mean, Like I

550
00:31:56,720 --> 00:32:00,080
Speaker 1: try to convince myself that I had that chip, and

551
00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:03,520
Speaker 1: I just never did, Like I just it just wasn't

552
00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:06,400
Speaker 1: for me. And so it was like this huge Eureka

553
00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:11,920
Speaker 1: moment of why am I doing this? Yeah, I sort

554
00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:16,120
Speaker 1: of wish people would make more space for for every

555
00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:20,800
Speaker 1: you know, every every side of that, because I neither

556
00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:22,800
Speaker 1: is a bad thing. It's not if someone wants to

557
00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:25,560
Speaker 1: hook up a bunch, that's fine. If someone doesn't. If so,

558
00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:29,080
Speaker 1: if that's not sound, someone's built and they don't see

559
00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:31,480
Speaker 1: the value in that. It shouldn't be any difference to

560
00:32:31,520 --> 00:32:34,000
Speaker 1: someone who's like, I just don't like drinking. You know

561
00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:37,040
Speaker 1: it's not for me. It they should, We should make

562
00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:40,680
Speaker 1: space for all of those different things. I agree Mark

563
00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:46,520
Speaker 1: doesn't drink. I don't. I've never been drunk. But I'm

564
00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:51,160
Speaker 1: nice to have this relevant here. But it's true, it's

565
00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:55,040
Speaker 1: certainly interesting. I'm always interested in those in those I'm

566
00:32:55,040 --> 00:32:57,800
Speaker 1: always interested in those things, whether they've come from a

567
00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:00,120
Speaker 1: religious or a structured place, or whether it's just the

568
00:33:00,160 --> 00:33:02,760
Speaker 1: decision that you made that it was, Yeah, that's exactly

569
00:33:02,800 --> 00:33:04,240
Speaker 1: what it was. It wasn't for me, but it was

570
00:33:04,280 --> 00:33:07,040
Speaker 1: also this thing because I've never tried coffee either. There

571
00:33:07,040 --> 00:33:10,280
Speaker 1: were things that when I was little, we're put into

572
00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:12,960
Speaker 1: a box, the box of that's something adult to do,

573
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:16,640
Speaker 1: and I never opened that box. I never had like

574
00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:18,720
Speaker 1: the ceremony of that you're an adult now you can

575
00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:20,880
Speaker 1: do all these things that I ruled them out at

576
00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:23,160
Speaker 1: an early age and never even considered them. And that

577
00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:29,000
Speaker 1: includes coffee, cigarettes and alcohol. That is so fascinating. I

578
00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:30,720
Speaker 1: don't I don't have a better explanation than that. And

579
00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:32,960
Speaker 1: my my dad has struggled with alcoholism, but I didn't

580
00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:37,240
Speaker 1: know that until after I had already ruled it out right,

581
00:33:37,280 --> 00:33:38,840
Speaker 1: So it didn't come from a place of I don't

582
00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:44,120
Speaker 1: want to end up that way or anyway. Wow, we'll see.

583
00:33:44,120 --> 00:33:46,360
Speaker 1: I grew up. I grew up in a nightclub. My

584
00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:49,640
Speaker 1: dad was a nightclub owner and I was working in

585
00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:53,400
Speaker 1: there from I don't know. I was twelve thirteen when

586
00:33:53,400 --> 00:33:55,160
Speaker 1: I got my first job in there. You could work

587
00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:58,880
Speaker 1: on premises if you were you know, well in England

588
00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:01,400
Speaker 1: at the time. I don't have to have changed, or

589
00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:03,240
Speaker 1: maybe it was just not on the books. I don't know,

590
00:34:03,560 --> 00:34:06,520
Speaker 1: but I um, I was working in there picking up glasses,

591
00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:09,200
Speaker 1: and you know, I used to I used to just

592
00:34:09,239 --> 00:34:12,040
Speaker 1: see the most terrible things and it really turned me

593
00:34:12,080 --> 00:34:14,439
Speaker 1: off when I was a teenager. For a long time,

594
00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:16,239
Speaker 1: it turned me off alcohol because I just used to

595
00:34:16,239 --> 00:34:18,160
Speaker 1: see the worst things people would do to each other.

596
00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:20,800
Speaker 1: And so that accounted for me for a long time

597
00:34:21,160 --> 00:34:24,719
Speaker 1: for a lack of interest in that. But yeah, it's

598
00:34:24,760 --> 00:34:26,880
Speaker 1: really I find it fascinating how we all come to

599
00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:30,440
Speaker 1: these things and revisit them many times in our lives.

600
00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:32,880
Speaker 1: Another quick one, and I feel like we're going to

601
00:34:32,920 --> 00:34:39,040
Speaker 1: have differing opinions on this. Um. Do you think that

602
00:34:39,120 --> 00:34:45,319
Speaker 1: zodiac compatibility holds much weight? What do you think I

603
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:49,480
Speaker 1: think about that? You're going to say it's garbage. In

604
00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:54,080
Speaker 1: order to think that zodiac compatibility held any weight, I'd

605
00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:59,080
Speaker 1: have to think that zodiac's in general held any weight,

606
00:34:59,520 --> 00:35:04,440
Speaker 1: and that it wasn't complete, made up hoke um that

607
00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:08,120
Speaker 1: was at a waste of time for anyone to study

608
00:35:08,239 --> 00:35:18,160
Speaker 1: or talk about. What's your sign? You're a Gemini. Of

609
00:35:18,239 --> 00:35:22,360
Speaker 1: course you don't believe in zodiac signs. Of course you

610
00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:30,200
Speaker 1: don't believe in zodiac signs. This makes perfect sense. I

611
00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:32,560
Speaker 1: I don't trust any man who goes on a date

612
00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:35,480
Speaker 1: and asks a woman what her zodiac sign is. It's

613
00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:39,240
Speaker 1: like the first thing I ask if Yeah, no, listen

614
00:35:41,320 --> 00:35:45,440
Speaker 1: of women ask it. Of women ask it, what's your sign?

615
00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:49,000
Speaker 1: And every time I just stopped. I don't even debate

616
00:35:49,040 --> 00:35:52,120
Speaker 1: it anymore. I just I'm like Gemini, and let's just

617
00:35:52,160 --> 00:35:54,200
Speaker 1: do let's just do whatever we need to do here

618
00:35:54,360 --> 00:35:58,680
Speaker 1: to like through this. But if a guy, if a

619
00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:00,560
Speaker 1: guy is on a date and he says, well, your sign,

620
00:36:00,719 --> 00:36:04,560
Speaker 1: I don't trust that guy. Eighties. I'm going to go

621
00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:06,319
Speaker 1: out on them and say, if a man asks you

622
00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:08,560
Speaker 1: what your sign is on a date, you shouldn't try.

623
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:11,520
Speaker 1: He's got a motive. He's doing that to hear himself

624
00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:13,319
Speaker 1: to you, or to give you the false impression that

625
00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:15,919
Speaker 1: you guys are the same kind of mindset. You're right,

626
00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:21,040
Speaker 1: that's that's exactly right. Now, that's exactly Oh my gosh. Wait,

627
00:36:21,040 --> 00:36:23,839
Speaker 1: there's a couple I know you'll never see. You'll never

628
00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:27,319
Speaker 1: see two men together on a hike, two pals and

629
00:36:27,440 --> 00:36:31,000
Speaker 1: one of them says something and the other guy looks

630
00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:36,080
Speaker 1: at him and says, your sign. You'll never see that

631
00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:38,920
Speaker 1: between two guys. It doesn't happen. And yet it's like

632
00:36:39,040 --> 00:36:41,759
Speaker 1: the first question that anybody will like if I ever

633
00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:43,880
Speaker 1: went on a date, it was like, what's his sign?

634
00:36:46,160 --> 00:36:49,960
Speaker 1: Why do you think women are eminently more interested in

635
00:36:50,040 --> 00:36:53,680
Speaker 1: signs than I don't know, honestly, I don't know. I

636
00:36:53,800 --> 00:36:56,960
Speaker 1: just I don't know why. But I and you're just

637
00:36:57,000 --> 00:37:01,440
Speaker 1: like such a gemini can't even get over it. It's like,

638
00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:04,520
Speaker 1: makes perfect sense. If he lied to you and said

639
00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:08,640
Speaker 1: he's a scorpio, you'd probably have the same reaction. Oh

640
00:37:08,719 --> 00:37:10,600
Speaker 1: for sure, you'd find them. You'd find a way to

641
00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:13,480
Speaker 1: make any of them work. That's the whole point the

642
00:37:15,080 --> 00:37:18,840
Speaker 1: I think here he look, let me answer that question.

643
00:37:22,080 --> 00:37:28,920
Speaker 1: The reason I believe that people look for People need heuristics,

644
00:37:29,200 --> 00:37:35,040
Speaker 1: They need they need structure in their lives somehow, they

645
00:37:35,080 --> 00:37:40,440
Speaker 1: need things that make the world makes sense. And the

646
00:37:40,600 --> 00:37:45,279
Speaker 1: idea that we are seven billion people and you know

647
00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:48,480
Speaker 1: it's like the one, right, the one? Does the one exist?

648
00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:52,120
Speaker 1: Of course, the one doesn't exist. You know, the idea

649
00:37:52,239 --> 00:37:55,799
Speaker 1: that you're gonna meet the like there's gonna be one

650
00:37:55,840 --> 00:38:02,000
Speaker 1: person in seven billion people that like, how it's not absurd.

651
00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:05,359
Speaker 1: We all have our one, Tanya, What do you think

652
00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:08,919
Speaker 1: happens when someone says, I, like, I met the one

653
00:38:08,960 --> 00:38:11,960
Speaker 1: at college and you're like, so, let me get this straight.

654
00:38:12,080 --> 00:38:15,880
Speaker 1: Probability wise, out of seven billion people, the one for

655
00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:20,840
Speaker 1: you happened not only to go to your college. What

656
00:38:20,960 --> 00:38:24,360
Speaker 1: are the chances What are the chances in seven billion

657
00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:27,320
Speaker 1: people that the one for you went to your college

658
00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:33,480
Speaker 1: and took your class and happened to sit next to you.

659
00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:38,799
Speaker 1: Isn't that the most beautiful thing. It's the most impossible thing.

660
00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:41,680
Speaker 1: And on top of that, happens to be a similar

661
00:38:41,760 --> 00:38:44,600
Speaker 1: age to you. It happens to be the gender you're

662
00:38:44,640 --> 00:38:48,520
Speaker 1: attracted to. Like, it's a lot of Yeah, it wasn't

663
00:38:48,560 --> 00:38:58,000
Speaker 1: a ninety year old Japanese woman, right. I mean, I

664
00:38:58,040 --> 00:39:02,960
Speaker 1: am upset right now. But people people don't like chaos,

665
00:39:02,960 --> 00:39:06,080
Speaker 1: They are not comfortable with chaos, so they need for

666
00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:08,040
Speaker 1: there to be a one. They need for there to

667
00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:12,200
Speaker 1: be a certain number of people that are compatible with

668
00:39:12,239 --> 00:39:14,760
Speaker 1: them based on their signs, so that they can narrow

669
00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:18,520
Speaker 1: it down in some way, and everything has Can I

670
00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:21,520
Speaker 1: tell you something, I although I do believe in the

671
00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:24,839
Speaker 1: one I'm a I'm a cancer and I'm like such

672
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:30,480
Speaker 1: a cancer, Like you don't get more like cancer than me,

673
00:39:30,560 --> 00:39:33,880
Speaker 1: for sure. Um, But I agree with you in the

674
00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:36,279
Speaker 1: sense that I've been reading a lot of books the

675
00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:39,680
Speaker 1: last two weeks, and the through line that these people

676
00:39:39,719 --> 00:39:43,120
Speaker 1: are saying the key to happiness is like we try

677
00:39:43,520 --> 00:39:48,719
Speaker 1: like life is unpredictable and uncontrollable, period and are we

678
00:39:49,239 --> 00:39:54,000
Speaker 1: all try to control every situation, every single thing of

679
00:39:54,040 --> 00:39:56,120
Speaker 1: our day. We structure our days, we make plans, we

680
00:39:56,160 --> 00:40:00,879
Speaker 1: do this, and in reality, like you can't control any

681
00:40:00,880 --> 00:40:03,200
Speaker 1: of it. And so this guy, I he just like

682
00:40:03,480 --> 00:40:05,560
Speaker 1: it like totally blew me away because he was just like,

683
00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:09,360
Speaker 1: if you can unlock this this ability to try and

684
00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:12,400
Speaker 1: control everything and just live in the moment and just

685
00:40:12,480 --> 00:40:15,759
Speaker 1: be happy with what's going on, the freedom that you're

686
00:40:15,760 --> 00:40:18,719
Speaker 1: going to live with is immeasurable. Like you're just going

687
00:40:18,760 --> 00:40:21,319
Speaker 1: to be such a happier version of yourself. And so

688
00:40:21,360 --> 00:40:25,000
Speaker 1: I was like, whoa talking to the girl who tries

689
00:40:25,080 --> 00:40:30,719
Speaker 1: to like literally put everything into a box. Yes, yeah,

690
00:40:30,719 --> 00:40:35,279
Speaker 1: but you know you yes, But the truth is your

691
00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:41,279
Speaker 1: your desire to control things has also probably been responsible

692
00:40:41,320 --> 00:40:47,799
Speaker 1: for a lot of your success. Like you you you know,

693
00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:51,120
Speaker 1: you go into a certain world and you master that

694
00:40:51,239 --> 00:40:54,439
Speaker 1: world and you learn about it and you you get

695
00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:58,520
Speaker 1: very proactive about it, and you know it's what's made you,

696
00:40:58,520 --> 00:41:01,520
Speaker 1: you know you, And I I've like it's been so

697
00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:04,200
Speaker 1: fun to watch from the sidelines as you just keep

698
00:41:04,239 --> 00:41:06,759
Speaker 1: going and going and going with your success and how

699
00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:10,360
Speaker 1: many people know you and you're hosting and your ability

700
00:41:10,520 --> 00:41:13,960
Speaker 1: like that. You know, I didn't even meet you twenty

701
00:41:14,040 --> 00:41:15,879
Speaker 1: years ago, where you were there, but I met you

702
00:41:16,200 --> 00:41:19,719
Speaker 1: seven eight years ago and saw then and like, see

703
00:41:19,719 --> 00:41:23,080
Speaker 1: the progression and part of that I think you know,

704
00:41:23,120 --> 00:41:29,319
Speaker 1: the control freak urging us can Actually it's difficult because

705
00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:32,359
Speaker 1: it can be responsible for an awful lot. I think

706
00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:35,680
Speaker 1: that the key is in knowing when to switch it

707
00:41:35,719 --> 00:41:38,359
Speaker 1: off and when to say, well, I've done, I've done

708
00:41:38,400 --> 00:41:41,000
Speaker 1: as much as I can here. Now I need to

709
00:41:43,280 --> 00:41:45,320
Speaker 1: not blame it on the fact that he's a scorpio.

710
00:41:45,840 --> 00:41:47,960
Speaker 1: So true. By the way, thank you for saying that

711
00:41:48,160 --> 00:42:06,879
Speaker 1: was really really sweet and really really nice. Okay that

712
00:42:07,120 --> 00:42:09,279
Speaker 1: is I mean, there's so many and then then we

713
00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:11,000
Speaker 1: have like more emails for you, So I'm just gonna

714
00:42:11,080 --> 00:42:13,399
Speaker 1: do two more of these quick quick? Do you want

715
00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:16,080
Speaker 1: me to be shorter with my answers? Am I going no,

716
00:42:16,280 --> 00:42:18,400
Speaker 1: this is your time that I don't want to waste,

717
00:42:19,160 --> 00:42:21,080
Speaker 1: I know, but if you're like, oh, we'd rather get

718
00:42:21,120 --> 00:42:25,239
Speaker 1: through like twenty questions, then I'll be more epigrammatical. This

719
00:42:25,320 --> 00:42:29,239
Speaker 1: is when I'm very curious about if you've been on

720
00:42:29,320 --> 00:42:31,279
Speaker 1: and off with somebody in a relationship, do you think

721
00:42:31,280 --> 00:42:33,560
Speaker 1: that that can ultimately work out or should you just

722
00:42:33,600 --> 00:42:38,399
Speaker 1: scrap it and move on to something new? The way

723
00:42:38,400 --> 00:42:43,080
Speaker 1: i'd answer that is the story actually evolving? You know,

724
00:42:43,239 --> 00:42:46,200
Speaker 1: do you just is the do you keep reading the

725
00:42:46,280 --> 00:42:49,960
Speaker 1: same chapter in the book over and over again? If

726
00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:52,479
Speaker 1: you do, then put the book down. There's no there's

727
00:42:52,480 --> 00:42:55,280
Speaker 1: nothing more to learn from this. You you you literally

728
00:42:55,280 --> 00:42:58,759
Speaker 1: are rereading the same chapter. The story isn't evolving, it's

729
00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:02,000
Speaker 1: not there's not new territory you're forging here. You have

730
00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:06,040
Speaker 1: to be really honest about that. If if someone leaves

731
00:43:06,040 --> 00:43:08,560
Speaker 1: and comes back, and then you say, Okay, I'm gonna

732
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:11,440
Speaker 1: give this a chance, that like, that's the decision I'm

733
00:43:11,440 --> 00:43:13,880
Speaker 1: going to make. Let's see, let's see, I'm gonna give

734
00:43:13,880 --> 00:43:15,560
Speaker 1: them the benefit of the doubt. I'm going to explain

735
00:43:15,600 --> 00:43:19,000
Speaker 1: to them that, you know, I'm fragile from last time

736
00:43:19,040 --> 00:43:21,200
Speaker 1: because this is what they did last time, and I'm

737
00:43:21,200 --> 00:43:23,759
Speaker 1: working through those feelings, but I'm going to give this

738
00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:26,160
Speaker 1: a shot because I believe that it's worth something. Then

739
00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:29,360
Speaker 1: if it happens again, you have to say, okay, well,

740
00:43:29,480 --> 00:43:34,680
Speaker 1: now we're into a cycle of a sort and that

741
00:43:35,080 --> 00:43:39,560
Speaker 1: at this stage this is true information. And if the

742
00:43:39,640 --> 00:43:43,080
Speaker 1: story isn't evolving, and if I have zero reason to

743
00:43:43,160 --> 00:43:46,839
Speaker 1: believe anything is different this time around, then why would

744
00:43:46,840 --> 00:43:51,439
Speaker 1: I keep investing in this story as if it's gonna evolve. Um, So,

745
00:43:51,600 --> 00:43:54,160
Speaker 1: I think when something is on and off, you have

746
00:43:54,239 --> 00:43:57,640
Speaker 1: to be very very aware of the fact that you

747
00:43:57,680 --> 00:44:01,160
Speaker 1: are that if this you know, I see a story

748
00:44:01,200 --> 00:44:06,720
Speaker 1: that's not evolving. As a period, it's done and everyone

749
00:44:06,760 --> 00:44:09,520
Speaker 1: else out there is a question mark. People like, oh,

750
00:44:09,640 --> 00:44:11,560
Speaker 1: but you know, we have such a great connection. Whatever,

751
00:44:11,600 --> 00:44:14,800
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter their period. They're not question mark anymore.

752
00:44:15,400 --> 00:44:20,400
Speaker 1: Every other human being in the world has more potential

753
00:44:20,480 --> 00:44:23,600
Speaker 1: than this person does, even when when you even though

754
00:44:23,640 --> 00:44:25,759
Speaker 1: you don't have a connection with any of them, they

755
00:44:25,840 --> 00:44:29,840
Speaker 1: all have more potential than this person who you have

756
00:44:29,920 --> 00:44:32,959
Speaker 1: such a great connection with. But there a period, not

757
00:44:33,400 --> 00:44:37,120
Speaker 1: a question mark anymore. I'm gonna toss it to Mark

758
00:44:37,239 --> 00:44:40,160
Speaker 1: for another email after that, because that was a great answer.

759
00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:43,520
Speaker 1: It's a quickie that I noticed because I think we've

760
00:44:43,520 --> 00:44:46,279
Speaker 1: all been in this situation. Is too much intensity in

761
00:44:46,320 --> 00:44:50,000
Speaker 1: the beginning of a relationship a bad sign? Well, here's

762
00:44:50,040 --> 00:44:54,120
Speaker 1: what you have to be wary of. Unearned passion. If

763
00:44:54,200 --> 00:44:57,520
Speaker 1: someone comes to me. If I'm hiring someone for a

764
00:44:57,560 --> 00:45:02,480
Speaker 1: position in my company and come to me and in

765
00:45:02,520 --> 00:45:07,319
Speaker 1: the interview they say I will move heaven and earth

766
00:45:07,360 --> 00:45:10,120
Speaker 1: for your company. You have no idea. I want this

767
00:45:10,200 --> 00:45:12,480
Speaker 1: job more than anything in the world. I'll work night

768
00:45:12,480 --> 00:45:17,080
Speaker 1: and day. I'll do this fine, it's that sounds great,

769
00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:20,920
Speaker 1: That sounds great. I want to know, firstly, can you

770
00:45:20,960 --> 00:45:23,279
Speaker 1: do the job? Do you have the skills necessary? So

771
00:45:23,320 --> 00:45:25,520
Speaker 1: I'm going to make sure that amongst all of that passion,

772
00:45:25,680 --> 00:45:29,600
Speaker 1: I actually and am vetting for the right skills and

773
00:45:29,640 --> 00:45:32,359
Speaker 1: the right values. Right passion can't make up for lack

774
00:45:32,400 --> 00:45:36,560
Speaker 1: of competence and lack of values. But I'm also going

775
00:45:36,600 --> 00:45:39,280
Speaker 1: to take everything they're saying right now with a huge,

776
00:45:40,000 --> 00:45:46,080
Speaker 1: huge dose of salt, because none of this is is proven,

777
00:45:46,239 --> 00:45:52,400
Speaker 1: and in some ways it's not even earned. Because they

778
00:45:53,080 --> 00:45:55,959
Speaker 1: they may be so excited to work for my company

779
00:45:56,040 --> 00:45:59,719
Speaker 1: because they've seen YouTube videos of me, and they're like,

780
00:46:00,680 --> 00:46:02,440
Speaker 1: this is going to be the greatest job in the world,

781
00:46:03,280 --> 00:46:06,440
Speaker 1: but they don't know that they they're going to get

782
00:46:06,440 --> 00:46:09,840
Speaker 1: inside the company and realize it's still a job, and

783
00:46:09,880 --> 00:46:14,000
Speaker 1: it's still really hard. And even though what I do

784
00:46:14,239 --> 00:46:17,600
Speaker 1: we make a genuine impact in the world, that it's

785
00:46:17,640 --> 00:46:21,400
Speaker 1: really hard work making that impact. And so I'm always

786
00:46:21,520 --> 00:46:24,680
Speaker 1: very measured with how I see someone's passion in the

787
00:46:24,680 --> 00:46:27,040
Speaker 1: early stage, and I think people need to be on

788
00:46:27,040 --> 00:46:31,120
Speaker 1: a date two. If someone's writing you poetry after day one, um,

789
00:46:31,880 --> 00:46:36,040
Speaker 1: that's okay. You can enjoy it. Enjoy the poetry, but

790
00:46:36,160 --> 00:46:39,879
Speaker 1: it's not. Don't treat it as as this is earned yet,

791
00:46:39,920 --> 00:46:42,960
Speaker 1: because it's not. This person at best is writing that

792
00:46:43,080 --> 00:46:47,080
Speaker 1: poetry based on their idea of you. There's certainly not

793
00:46:47,120 --> 00:46:49,840
Speaker 1: doing it based on how well they truly know you,

794
00:46:50,880 --> 00:46:54,840
Speaker 1: and they haven't shown you yet how they'll be in

795
00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:57,919
Speaker 1: week three or four in a relationship. That's what I'm

796
00:46:58,080 --> 00:47:00,200
Speaker 1: really interested in, is who someone going to be a

797
00:47:00,280 --> 00:47:03,960
Speaker 1: month one or month three or month six. That's when

798
00:47:03,960 --> 00:47:08,160
Speaker 1: you know. So enjoy passion, but keep it in its

799
00:47:08,160 --> 00:47:12,239
Speaker 1: proper place. It's not a sign of what's to come. Um,

800
00:47:12,560 --> 00:47:18,920
Speaker 1: it's just at that stage energy. All right, Let's go

801
00:47:18,960 --> 00:47:20,879
Speaker 1: to this one from Kaylee. She says, I've been dating

802
00:47:20,880 --> 00:47:22,960
Speaker 1: my partner three and a half years now. I've never

803
00:47:23,000 --> 00:47:25,480
Speaker 1: been crazy sexually attracted to him. I do love him,

804
00:47:25,520 --> 00:47:27,799
Speaker 1: I care him a lot, but he's let himself go

805
00:47:28,080 --> 00:47:30,320
Speaker 1: the last couple of years, and I don't find him sexy.

806
00:47:30,600 --> 00:47:32,800
Speaker 1: He refuses to go to the dentist or the doctor,

807
00:47:32,840 --> 00:47:35,080
Speaker 1: and I'm finding that as a major turn off. Is

808
00:47:35,120 --> 00:47:37,160
Speaker 1: they're a way to make this relationship work. I'm really

809
00:47:37,200 --> 00:47:39,160
Speaker 1: struggling and don't want to throw away all of our

810
00:47:39,239 --> 00:47:46,799
Speaker 1: years just for sexual attraction. Yeah, well, she I would

811
00:47:46,880 --> 00:47:49,920
Speaker 1: amend the final part of that question where she says

812
00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:54,520
Speaker 1: just for sexual attraction. The just there is a problem

813
00:47:54,520 --> 00:47:57,920
Speaker 1: because that's she's lying to herself. I wouldn't be asking

814
00:47:57,960 --> 00:48:01,440
Speaker 1: this question if sexual attray action was something that could be,

815
00:48:02,719 --> 00:48:06,280
Speaker 1: you know, shuffled into the corner as just sexual attraction.

816
00:48:06,480 --> 00:48:08,719
Speaker 1: It's clearly a big deal to her, which is why

817
00:48:08,760 --> 00:48:11,400
Speaker 1: she's asking. So then you have to say, Okay, this

818
00:48:11,480 --> 00:48:13,000
Speaker 1: is a big deal to me and it is threatening

819
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:16,920
Speaker 1: my relationship, which is why I'm asking this question. Therefore,

820
00:48:17,280 --> 00:48:19,200
Speaker 1: what do I need to do in order to repair

821
00:48:19,280 --> 00:48:22,960
Speaker 1: this part of my relationship? Will firstly, let me make

822
00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:26,839
Speaker 1: sure that I am doing the thing. And this isn't

823
00:48:26,880 --> 00:48:28,680
Speaker 1: my way of putting it straight back on her, but

824
00:48:28,719 --> 00:48:31,160
Speaker 1: in any situation in our relationship, we have to start

825
00:48:31,160 --> 00:48:33,359
Speaker 1: from a place of saying, am I actually doing the

826
00:48:33,360 --> 00:48:36,759
Speaker 1: thing myself that I'm asking for? Am I taking care

827
00:48:36,760 --> 00:48:39,080
Speaker 1: of myself? Am I doing the things that I should

828
00:48:39,120 --> 00:48:41,319
Speaker 1: be doing? To make sure that I'm upholding my end

829
00:48:41,320 --> 00:48:44,440
Speaker 1: of the bargain we're supposed to be made. We you know,

830
00:48:44,520 --> 00:48:48,840
Speaker 1: we both have a responsibility to look after ourselves for

831
00:48:48,840 --> 00:48:52,680
Speaker 1: each other. Am I upholding my end? If I am? Great?

832
00:48:53,320 --> 00:48:58,080
Speaker 1: Now let's talk about him. Um, that's a conversation that

833
00:48:58,160 --> 00:49:03,319
Speaker 1: has to be had. Compare a stunately and kindly, but

834
00:49:04,120 --> 00:49:08,319
Speaker 1: in a serious way, where it's said, I love you

835
00:49:09,200 --> 00:49:14,040
Speaker 1: and I want us to have an amazing sex life.

836
00:49:14,120 --> 00:49:17,640
Speaker 1: I want us to have an amazing attraction. But I

837
00:49:17,800 --> 00:49:20,799
Speaker 1: know that it affects me when you're not taking care

838
00:49:20,800 --> 00:49:23,160
Speaker 1: of yourself and I see ways that you're not taking

839
00:49:23,200 --> 00:49:26,640
Speaker 1: care of yourself, um, and I want to find out

840
00:49:26,640 --> 00:49:28,520
Speaker 1: why that is and what we can do about it,

841
00:49:28,560 --> 00:49:34,280
Speaker 1: because this part of the relationship is deeply important to me. Um,

842
00:49:34,320 --> 00:49:36,120
Speaker 1: So what do we need to do? You know, how

843
00:49:36,120 --> 00:49:38,160
Speaker 1: do we how do we get these what can I

844
00:49:38,280 --> 00:49:40,600
Speaker 1: do to help? And how do we get these parts

845
00:49:40,600 --> 00:49:43,839
Speaker 1: of of your life on track so that we can

846
00:49:43,880 --> 00:49:46,440
Speaker 1: get our relationship to the level that it can be.

847
00:49:46,440 --> 00:49:48,560
Speaker 1: Because I don't know about you, but I don't want

848
00:49:48,560 --> 00:49:51,280
Speaker 1: to be I don't want to have an average connection

849
00:49:51,400 --> 00:49:55,640
Speaker 1: to you. I want to have a beautiful connection to

850
00:49:55,680 --> 00:49:58,360
Speaker 1: you and what we have and and see what that

851
00:49:58,440 --> 00:50:02,000
Speaker 1: person says. What I would be looking for is is

852
00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:04,879
Speaker 1: this person willing to fight for the relationship in that way?

853
00:50:06,480 --> 00:50:09,759
Speaker 1: Is this something they actually want to do. They may

854
00:50:09,800 --> 00:50:12,880
Speaker 1: be scared that. There's certain aspects of what you're asking for, like,

855
00:50:12,960 --> 00:50:15,719
Speaker 1: for example, when someone's out of shape, getting in shape

856
00:50:15,800 --> 00:50:19,160
Speaker 1: is hard. Is that's not easy? Going to the doctors

857
00:50:19,200 --> 00:50:21,960
Speaker 1: is booking an appointment? And if someone won't go to

858
00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:25,480
Speaker 1: the if someone won't go to the dentist, then that's

859
00:50:25,600 --> 00:50:27,479
Speaker 1: that's something you have to be really honest with someone

860
00:50:27,520 --> 00:50:30,920
Speaker 1: about and say, listen, I don't like you, know you

861
00:50:30,920 --> 00:50:33,399
Speaker 1: you have something with your teeth or your breath or whatever.

862
00:50:33,440 --> 00:50:35,600
Speaker 1: I don't like that, and I want to kiss you.

863
00:50:36,280 --> 00:50:39,080
Speaker 1: But this is this is actually a problem for me.

864
00:50:39,719 --> 00:50:41,840
Speaker 1: I will book the appointment, but you need to do this.

865
00:50:41,960 --> 00:50:45,239
Speaker 1: And if you don't do this, it's bigger than the dentist.

866
00:50:45,640 --> 00:50:48,680
Speaker 1: It says something about how much you care about my

867
00:50:48,800 --> 00:50:52,919
Speaker 1: attraction for you, and that's a bigger thing in our relationship.

868
00:50:53,560 --> 00:50:56,200
Speaker 1: Going going to the gym and getting fit is harder,

869
00:50:56,239 --> 00:51:01,680
Speaker 1: and that sometimes requires support and team work. But but

870
00:51:01,800 --> 00:51:04,239
Speaker 1: I'm always looking for is this person actually willing to

871
00:51:04,280 --> 00:51:08,960
Speaker 1: show up for the relationship and it's not talked about enough,

872
00:51:09,280 --> 00:51:12,160
Speaker 1: you know, it's it's shoved under the carpet, like it's

873
00:51:12,200 --> 00:51:15,799
Speaker 1: just oh well, people struggle and whatever. But we we

874
00:51:16,160 --> 00:51:17,920
Speaker 1: you know, when we're in a relationship with part of

875
00:51:17,920 --> 00:51:19,719
Speaker 1: a team, and we owe it to our partner to

876
00:51:19,760 --> 00:51:22,080
Speaker 1: bring our best to the table. I've always said that

877
00:51:22,600 --> 00:51:26,440
Speaker 1: young men in relationships are a problem for two reasons.

878
00:51:26,520 --> 00:51:30,040
Speaker 1: One is that they before you came along, and they

879
00:51:30,040 --> 00:51:32,239
Speaker 1: were single and doing whatever they wanted. Their life was

880
00:51:32,280 --> 00:51:36,960
Speaker 1: pretty much drinking, porn and video games. That combined with

881
00:51:37,000 --> 00:51:39,160
Speaker 1: the fact that their mother has told them their whole

882
00:51:39,200 --> 00:51:42,239
Speaker 1: lives that they are an amazing, greatest, perfect person in

883
00:51:42,280 --> 00:51:44,680
Speaker 1: the world. And that's a tough combo because when they

884
00:51:44,680 --> 00:51:48,000
Speaker 1: start dating you and you start pointing out to them

885
00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:50,440
Speaker 1: ways that they maybe aren't the most perfect person in

886
00:51:50,480 --> 00:51:52,279
Speaker 1: the world, they're going to push back at that because

887
00:51:52,280 --> 00:51:54,239
Speaker 1: it affects their whole world view that they've been told

888
00:51:54,239 --> 00:51:57,560
Speaker 1: their whole life. He's eating like crap, he's not cleaning

889
00:51:57,560 --> 00:52:00,200
Speaker 1: his teeth, but he thinks he's awesome, and you better

890
00:52:00,239 --> 00:52:02,160
Speaker 1: accept me how I am because I am awesome. And

891
00:52:02,200 --> 00:52:04,560
Speaker 1: that's where we run into trouble. You gotta want to

892
00:52:04,680 --> 00:52:07,359
Speaker 1: change that. Maybe change is the wrong word. You gotta

893
00:52:07,360 --> 00:52:09,680
Speaker 1: want to improve yourself to be the best person you

894
00:52:09,680 --> 00:52:14,280
Speaker 1: can be for that other person. You you do. And

895
00:52:14,880 --> 00:52:22,280
Speaker 1: but but you know, we we ourselves have to decide

896
00:52:22,360 --> 00:52:25,440
Speaker 1: the standard that we want from our relationship and be

897
00:52:25,640 --> 00:52:31,160
Speaker 1: willing to communicate that standard when it's uncomfortable. And what

898
00:52:31,360 --> 00:52:35,400
Speaker 1: happens is because it's uncomfortable for us. And I've fallen

899
00:52:35,400 --> 00:52:37,560
Speaker 1: into this trap many times in many parts of life.

900
00:52:37,600 --> 00:52:40,960
Speaker 1: I mean, I've got you know, there's been many times

901
00:52:40,960 --> 00:52:45,600
Speaker 1: in my business where remember, staff did something and I

902
00:52:45,640 --> 00:52:51,160
Speaker 1: didn't like it. I thought I mentioned that later, and

903
00:52:51,200 --> 00:52:54,879
Speaker 1: then I don't do it. And when I don't mention it,

904
00:52:55,040 --> 00:53:00,640
Speaker 1: I've approved it. And that happens in my relationships all

905
00:53:00,640 --> 00:53:03,080
Speaker 1: the time. You didn't mention something, you didn't talk about that,

906
00:53:03,239 --> 00:53:06,920
Speaker 1: you just approved that behavior. You just green lit that behavior.

907
00:53:08,000 --> 00:53:11,480
Speaker 1: And it's very difficult to change those things. Like it's funny,

908
00:53:11,640 --> 00:53:13,920
Speaker 1: is so I'm like, you know, obviously and one of

909
00:53:13,960 --> 00:53:16,520
Speaker 1: those people I like setting goals and intentions and obviously

910
00:53:16,560 --> 00:53:19,160
Speaker 1: like I make my vision border I'm very because I'm

911
00:53:19,200 --> 00:53:23,400
Speaker 1: so um self. Growth is so important to me that

912
00:53:23,600 --> 00:53:26,279
Speaker 1: I took that into my relationship and I was like,

913
00:53:26,320 --> 00:53:29,719
Speaker 1: I want this relationship to have So I created like

914
00:53:29,719 --> 00:53:32,400
Speaker 1: like our four pillars of you know what it was

915
00:53:33,000 --> 00:53:36,600
Speaker 1: Everything comes down to respect, love, lust, and trust. Those

916
00:53:36,640 --> 00:53:38,440
Speaker 1: four things always have to have them. And then like

917
00:53:38,480 --> 00:53:41,920
Speaker 1: I created like, um, almost like a ten commandments like

918
00:53:42,120 --> 00:53:45,800
Speaker 1: of that relationship of what you know, we want to

919
00:53:45,840 --> 00:53:47,839
Speaker 1: hold each other accountable to and dad da da, And

920
00:53:47,840 --> 00:53:50,360
Speaker 1: I do think as silly as it sounds like, and

921
00:53:50,520 --> 00:53:52,359
Speaker 1: and when I say these things for people to do,

922
00:53:53,040 --> 00:53:57,479
Speaker 1: there is this level of like accountability in you wanting

923
00:53:57,520 --> 00:53:59,680
Speaker 1: to be the best version of yourself, you wanting to

924
00:53:59,680 --> 00:54:02,360
Speaker 1: hold your partner accountable to that, but then also you

925
00:54:02,440 --> 00:54:04,760
Speaker 1: wanting to hold your relationship accountable to that as well,

926
00:54:04,800 --> 00:54:06,839
Speaker 1: you know. And I think that as time goes on,

927
00:54:06,880 --> 00:54:11,160
Speaker 1: it's important to kind of have those things that always

928
00:54:11,200 --> 00:54:14,400
Speaker 1: kind of bring you back to we're in this together,

929
00:54:15,080 --> 00:54:21,000
Speaker 1: we're growing together. This is what we want, yeah, yeah,

930
00:54:21,360 --> 00:54:24,160
Speaker 1: and this is what we want. Part is really important

931
00:54:24,719 --> 00:54:28,000
Speaker 1: because that's that's actually what removes ego. If you can

932
00:54:28,040 --> 00:54:31,239
Speaker 1: say this is the vision for our relationship, this is

933
00:54:31,280 --> 00:54:36,600
Speaker 1: the higher idea that we're working towards together. Um, then

934
00:54:36,719 --> 00:54:40,560
Speaker 1: everything is in service of of that vision of that relationship,

935
00:54:40,840 --> 00:54:43,560
Speaker 1: and it's no longer about who's right or wrong. It's

936
00:54:43,600 --> 00:54:46,320
Speaker 1: about is what we're doing here good for that vision

937
00:54:46,400 --> 00:54:49,040
Speaker 1: or is it bad for that vision? And that that's

938
00:54:49,040 --> 00:54:51,520
Speaker 1: super important. I think guys sometimes need to hear it

939
00:54:51,560 --> 00:54:53,000
Speaker 1: from more than one woman. They need to have a

940
00:54:53,040 --> 00:54:55,760
Speaker 1: couple of different relationships collapse before they start to realize

941
00:54:55,800 --> 00:54:59,520
Speaker 1: that they could actually work on themselves a little bit. Well,

942
00:55:00,800 --> 00:55:03,360
Speaker 1: you know how you see these these talk shows and

943
00:55:03,400 --> 00:55:07,160
Speaker 1: they whether it's it could be a talk show, and

944
00:55:07,200 --> 00:55:11,120
Speaker 1: they wheel people out who have been together forever and

945
00:55:11,160 --> 00:55:14,160
Speaker 1: they hold them up as some kind of like, you know,

946
00:55:14,520 --> 00:55:17,360
Speaker 1: these two people have been together for twenty five years

947
00:55:17,680 --> 00:55:20,279
Speaker 1: and everyone collaps, and that's supposed to be the most

948
00:55:20,320 --> 00:55:25,359
Speaker 1: amazing thing. It just it always means nothing to me.

949
00:55:26,239 --> 00:55:31,399
Speaker 1: It doesn't I don't instantly have respect for a relationship

950
00:55:31,520 --> 00:55:35,760
Speaker 1: because it's gone on for a long time. I always

951
00:55:35,760 --> 00:55:38,600
Speaker 1: look at that, and because I know too many relationships

952
00:55:38,600 --> 00:55:42,840
Speaker 1: in my own life where two people are too like.

953
00:55:43,400 --> 00:55:50,000
Speaker 1: I have some relationships very close to me that I'm like, well,

954
00:55:50,239 --> 00:55:53,800
Speaker 1: those two people are in a relationship because he walks

955
00:55:54,000 --> 00:55:58,400
Speaker 1: all over her whole life and she's okay, with it,

956
00:55:58,520 --> 00:56:03,600
Speaker 1: she accepts it. I know a particular relationship where the

957
00:56:03,680 --> 00:56:07,200
Speaker 1: guy I hated like any time she was out of sight,

958
00:56:07,280 --> 00:56:09,480
Speaker 1: anytime she went and did her own thing, he hated it,

959
00:56:09,600 --> 00:56:13,360
Speaker 1: like he just couldn't bury. He was territorial, he was jealous,

960
00:56:13,360 --> 00:56:15,680
Speaker 1: he was all about himself. She always had to be

961
00:56:15,760 --> 00:56:19,480
Speaker 1: serving him in some way, so much so that she

962
00:56:19,560 --> 00:56:23,000
Speaker 1: went away for three days to New York for an

963
00:56:23,040 --> 00:56:26,880
Speaker 1: occasion that was really important to her, a family occasion.

964
00:56:27,920 --> 00:56:30,279
Speaker 1: This was after they've already been together for years in

965
00:56:30,320 --> 00:56:33,520
Speaker 1: a marriage, and she never went away, and he made

966
00:56:33,520 --> 00:56:37,040
Speaker 1: her life hell over it. I mean, he complained and

967
00:56:37,080 --> 00:56:40,800
Speaker 1: complained and complained the whole time she was gone, ruined

968
00:56:40,840 --> 00:56:44,040
Speaker 1: the trip for her. And I look at that, and

969
00:56:44,080 --> 00:56:48,000
Speaker 1: I'm like, this woman is in jail. She is in jail,

970
00:56:49,440 --> 00:56:54,120
Speaker 1: But what's happening here? You have? This takes two sick people.

971
00:56:55,880 --> 00:57:00,400
Speaker 1: This takes a man who's who's not well, who's sationally

972
00:57:00,480 --> 00:57:03,080
Speaker 1: got all sorts of issues, and it takes a woman

973
00:57:03,080 --> 00:57:05,719
Speaker 1: who's got all sorts of issues. That's the only way

974
00:57:05,760 --> 00:57:10,000
Speaker 1: this dysfunctional relationship functions. So and those two people were

975
00:57:10,040 --> 00:57:13,520
Speaker 1: together for decades, so if someone wheeled them out on TV,

976
00:57:13,640 --> 00:57:16,479
Speaker 1: for me and went, well, Matthew, we've got these people,

977
00:57:16,480 --> 00:57:18,600
Speaker 1: they've been together for thirty years. We're going to learn

978
00:57:18,640 --> 00:57:20,640
Speaker 1: their secret today. I'd be like, I don't want to

979
00:57:20,680 --> 00:57:24,480
Speaker 1: know the secret. This is, this is not. This doesn't

980
00:57:24,480 --> 00:57:26,800
Speaker 1: make it impressive. The fact that they've endured hell for

981
00:57:26,880 --> 00:57:30,000
Speaker 1: longer than i'd be with it's so true. I think, Um,

982
00:57:30,400 --> 00:57:32,160
Speaker 1: you know, I've been doing, like I said, again, a

983
00:57:32,160 --> 00:57:35,080
Speaker 1: lot of self reflection. And for me, I always said

984
00:57:35,120 --> 00:57:37,120
Speaker 1: that it was a desire of my heart to be

985
00:57:37,240 --> 00:57:39,040
Speaker 1: married and have a family. That was always just kind

986
00:57:39,080 --> 00:57:41,680
Speaker 1: of it's such a desire of my heart to be

987
00:57:41,760 --> 00:57:44,760
Speaker 1: married and have a family. I really started to dissect

988
00:57:44,800 --> 00:57:49,320
Speaker 1: that because it's not about being married. So like for

989
00:57:49,360 --> 00:57:52,440
Speaker 1: a lot of people, I think that's where the mistake happens.

990
00:57:52,480 --> 00:57:57,200
Speaker 1: It's like marriage equals lifelong happiness, when in reality, what

991
00:57:57,280 --> 00:58:00,760
Speaker 1: I want is a lifelong partner. Want to I do

992
00:58:00,880 --> 00:58:03,320
Speaker 1: want to do life with somebody like I want that

993
00:58:04,160 --> 00:58:07,640
Speaker 1: to do life with somebody one person. Um, it's not

994
00:58:07,680 --> 00:58:10,400
Speaker 1: necessarily marriage, but I want that person to bring up

995
00:58:10,400 --> 00:58:12,280
Speaker 1: the best in me and I want to keep growing

996
00:58:12,360 --> 00:58:15,160
Speaker 1: with that person. So it's like it's almost like we

997
00:58:15,240 --> 00:58:17,320
Speaker 1: tell ourselves these things like I. I did it for years.

998
00:58:17,400 --> 00:58:20,320
Speaker 1: That's what I desired my marriage, family, marriage, family. It's

999
00:58:20,360 --> 00:58:23,720
Speaker 1: not necessarily marriage because I don't necessary I don't just

1000
00:58:23,840 --> 00:58:25,720
Speaker 1: want marriage. If I want to just marriage, I would

1001
00:58:25,760 --> 00:58:30,080
Speaker 1: have married a guy I dated six years ago. You know. Um,

1002
00:58:30,120 --> 00:58:34,120
Speaker 1: it's about the person and really like being super superintentional

1003
00:58:34,280 --> 00:58:37,480
Speaker 1: of a lifelong partner. And I think that's where we

1004
00:58:37,560 --> 00:58:42,520
Speaker 1: kind of get like mixed up. Yeah. Yeah, I think

1005
00:58:42,520 --> 00:58:45,440
Speaker 1: people have to be really really honest with themselves about

1006
00:58:45,440 --> 00:58:49,360
Speaker 1: what it is they're looking for. And I you look

1007
00:58:49,400 --> 00:58:52,400
Speaker 1: telling you know this I dealt with over the last

1008
00:58:53,520 --> 00:58:56,840
Speaker 1: over the last decade, I've had literally millions of women

1009
00:58:57,000 --> 00:59:00,640
Speaker 1: that that we've worked with, and the YouTube videos alone,

1010
00:59:00,680 --> 00:59:05,959
Speaker 1: I've got four million views and it in all of that,

1011
00:59:06,120 --> 00:59:08,040
Speaker 1: what I've seen over and over again is people not

1012
00:59:08,160 --> 00:59:10,920
Speaker 1: necessarily being honest with themselves about what they want. And

1013
00:59:11,320 --> 00:59:17,120
Speaker 1: I've dealt with, For example, I have I meet women

1014
00:59:17,160 --> 00:59:22,080
Speaker 1: at every stage, and some of those women maybe are

1015
00:59:22,120 --> 00:59:26,520
Speaker 1: in their thirties and are looking for a family, some

1016
00:59:26,840 --> 00:59:31,840
Speaker 1: not all, but some, and some are beyond that point

1017
00:59:31,920 --> 00:59:35,520
Speaker 1: now biologically where they can't have their own biological children

1018
00:59:36,320 --> 00:59:41,000
Speaker 1: and are in the grieving process of that I see

1019
00:59:41,040 --> 00:59:47,880
Speaker 1: the entire spectrum, and and so often when I'm talking

1020
00:59:47,920 --> 00:59:50,280
Speaker 1: to women about that issue, which is of course highly

1021
00:59:50,360 --> 00:59:54,440
Speaker 1: highly sensitive for people. One of the things I'm always

1022
00:59:54,440 --> 00:59:57,920
Speaker 1: curious about is what is the thing you really want?

1023
00:59:58,640 --> 01:00:01,720
Speaker 1: It is the thing you do? You really want children?

1024
01:00:01,880 --> 01:00:05,280
Speaker 1: In which case let's talk about that. Do you really

1025
01:00:05,320 --> 01:00:08,760
Speaker 1: want a guy? In which case let's talk about that.

1026
01:00:09,840 --> 01:00:15,000
Speaker 1: Do you really want, uh, you know, a marriage and children?

1027
01:00:15,080 --> 01:00:17,160
Speaker 1: And the only way you want children is if you

1028
01:00:17,280 --> 01:00:20,520
Speaker 1: have that version of it. If so, let's talk about that.

1029
01:00:20,960 --> 01:00:25,760
Speaker 1: But are making those distinctions is actually very very important

1030
01:00:25,760 --> 01:00:29,880
Speaker 1: because it will affect your decisions at certain point. If

1031
01:00:29,920 --> 01:00:33,880
Speaker 1: you say, oh, when I really dig deep, I realized

1032
01:00:34,280 --> 01:00:39,760
Speaker 1: that if waiting for the perfect blueprint of this will

1033
01:00:39,800 --> 01:00:44,560
Speaker 1: cost me my chance at having children, then a certain point,

1034
01:00:45,040 --> 01:00:47,560
Speaker 1: I actually just want to have children. I don't want

1035
01:00:47,600 --> 01:00:49,320
Speaker 1: to wait for the version of it that I've always

1036
01:00:49,360 --> 01:00:51,720
Speaker 1: told myself I need to have. Other people, when they

1037
01:00:51,720 --> 01:00:54,360
Speaker 1: get honest, they say no, if it's not with someone

1038
01:00:54,640 --> 01:00:56,800
Speaker 1: that I am deeply in love with, I don't want it,

1039
01:00:57,360 --> 01:00:59,400
Speaker 1: in which case you have to be honest and say

1040
01:00:59,680 --> 01:01:03,760
Speaker 1: I don't want children as much as I want that

1041
01:01:04,000 --> 01:01:06,840
Speaker 1: idea of it and I think that it's because we've

1042
01:01:06,920 --> 01:01:11,280
Speaker 1: just I can say it, as women, we have this

1043
01:01:11,440 --> 01:01:14,480
Speaker 1: kind of um, it's just kind of ingrained in us

1044
01:01:14,600 --> 01:01:17,440
Speaker 1: that you go to school, you get married, you have

1045
01:01:17,480 --> 01:01:19,680
Speaker 1: a family. That's just kind of like how it's been,

1046
01:01:19,800 --> 01:01:21,920
Speaker 1: you know, like we've evolved so much. But it's like

1047
01:01:22,080 --> 01:01:24,600
Speaker 1: I think we forget back then. Back in the day,

1048
01:01:25,080 --> 01:01:28,960
Speaker 1: women couldn't buy a home without having a man signed

1049
01:01:28,960 --> 01:01:31,920
Speaker 1: the lease. Like women couldn't open their own credit cards

1050
01:01:31,920 --> 01:01:34,560
Speaker 1: without having a man. So it's like women, we couldn't

1051
01:01:34,600 --> 01:01:37,320
Speaker 1: do these things unless we were married and had a man.

1052
01:01:37,440 --> 01:01:40,200
Speaker 1: But it's like that's not the case anymore. It's actually

1053
01:01:40,920 --> 01:01:43,400
Speaker 1: the farthest thing from the from the case now. And

1054
01:01:43,440 --> 01:01:46,040
Speaker 1: I think it's like we're starting to have this kind

1055
01:01:46,040 --> 01:01:49,520
Speaker 1: of mental shift of I don't need to have like

1056
01:01:49,920 --> 01:01:52,480
Speaker 1: we don't need to have a man to do anything,

1057
01:01:53,480 --> 01:01:58,000
Speaker 1: but we want a life partner to build memories with,

1058
01:01:58,080 --> 01:02:00,760
Speaker 1: build a home with, start trap asitions with, you know

1059
01:02:00,760 --> 01:02:02,520
Speaker 1: what I mean. Like I think that's it's like getting

1060
01:02:02,600 --> 01:02:04,920
Speaker 1: getting rid of the what I need and versus and

1061
01:02:04,920 --> 01:02:08,000
Speaker 1: like figuring out what you want. Yeah, but that and

1062
01:02:08,320 --> 01:02:14,720
Speaker 1: that's such a wonderfully, wonderfully articulated distinction that is exactly

1063
01:02:14,760 --> 01:02:19,040
Speaker 1: what it is. I wish, I truly wish more people

1064
01:02:19,080 --> 01:02:24,320
Speaker 1: could uncouple and and disentangle those things that they think

1065
01:02:24,360 --> 01:02:30,160
Speaker 1: they need from those wants, because it's I see it.

1066
01:02:30,480 --> 01:02:33,880
Speaker 1: I'm passionate about it, because I see I'm firsthand in

1067
01:02:33,920 --> 01:02:38,080
Speaker 1: the trenches with people who ruin their lives over not

1068
01:02:38,240 --> 01:02:42,440
Speaker 1: making that distinction, who always stay with someone that does

1069
01:02:42,480 --> 01:02:45,920
Speaker 1: not deserve them, that they should not be with, that

1070
01:02:46,000 --> 01:02:49,600
Speaker 1: they waste their lives with because they think that they

1071
01:02:49,640 --> 01:02:52,800
Speaker 1: need that person in order to to do something. And

1072
01:02:52,840 --> 01:02:55,120
Speaker 1: this isn't something I don't speak about this, and I'm

1073
01:02:55,160 --> 01:02:58,640
Speaker 1: not coming from this place as a you know, like

1074
01:02:59,360 --> 01:03:01,680
Speaker 1: for me as a man, I seek to understand as

1075
01:03:01,760 --> 01:03:04,440
Speaker 1: much as I can. But I talk to these unbelievably

1076
01:03:04,480 --> 01:03:09,320
Speaker 1: powerful women like my publisher Karen Ronaldi, you know, one

1077
01:03:09,320 --> 01:03:12,000
Speaker 1: of the most powerful women I know. And we're walking

1078
01:03:12,040 --> 01:03:13,360
Speaker 1: down the street and I said, what do you think

1079
01:03:13,400 --> 01:03:15,720
Speaker 1: about this thing? I said, you know, my heart aches

1080
01:03:15,720 --> 01:03:17,640
Speaker 1: for women who are waiting for a man to have

1081
01:03:17,720 --> 01:03:20,240
Speaker 1: a family and they're trying to figure out what do

1082
01:03:20,320 --> 01:03:22,959
Speaker 1: I do, And I've just got to wait. And she said,

1083
01:03:23,120 --> 01:03:25,520
Speaker 1: if you want kids, why would you rely on a

1084
01:03:25,560 --> 01:03:29,920
Speaker 1: man for that, And I was like, well, that's interest.

1085
01:03:30,040 --> 01:03:33,560
Speaker 1: Like that's not said very often, you know. She was like,

1086
01:03:33,600 --> 01:03:36,560
Speaker 1: but what if it's that important to you, why would

1087
01:03:36,600 --> 01:03:39,720
Speaker 1: you rely? Why would you give that power to somebody

1088
01:03:39,720 --> 01:03:44,400
Speaker 1: else over something that is a goal that that will

1089
01:03:44,400 --> 01:03:47,920
Speaker 1: make you incredibly happy if it happens and deeply unhappy

1090
01:03:47,960 --> 01:03:51,520
Speaker 1: if it doesn't happen. Why would you abdicate responsibility for

1091
01:03:51,560 --> 01:03:55,240
Speaker 1: that to some person that you haven't even met yet?

1092
01:03:55,280 --> 01:03:58,840
Speaker 1: That my now, I know that. It's all. It's all

1093
01:03:58,960 --> 01:04:00,840
Speaker 1: like you weigh up, right, depending on where you are

1094
01:04:00,840 --> 01:04:02,720
Speaker 1: in your life, you weigh up. Am I at the

1095
01:04:02,760 --> 01:04:05,000
Speaker 1: stage where I need to stop considering a different path?

1096
01:04:05,920 --> 01:04:08,440
Speaker 1: You know? Or am I good for now? And I'm

1097
01:04:08,480 --> 01:04:10,760
Speaker 1: just gonna that's fine. Everyone can make their own mind

1098
01:04:10,840 --> 01:04:14,520
Speaker 1: up about what's what's proved, like you know, checking out

1099
01:04:14,520 --> 01:04:16,240
Speaker 1: on things, checking on things and making sure you know,

1100
01:04:16,280 --> 01:04:17,760
Speaker 1: like I just want got my eggs checked and like

1101
01:04:17,800 --> 01:04:20,240
Speaker 1: I'm fertile, myrtle, like I'm chilling. So like that takes

1102
01:04:20,240 --> 01:04:22,080
Speaker 1: that part, you know, like I'm not worried about that.

1103
01:04:22,640 --> 01:04:24,960
Speaker 1: But so I think being educated and like being proactive

1104
01:04:24,960 --> 01:04:30,640
Speaker 1: in that sense is super smart. But I agree, I

1105
01:04:30,720 --> 01:04:34,080
Speaker 1: just wish. I wish more people would ask themselves and

1106
01:04:34,200 --> 01:04:37,680
Speaker 1: other people the difficult questions. One of my girlfriends, um,

1107
01:04:37,800 --> 01:04:41,920
Speaker 1: she's like badass, she has a great career. Um, I

1108
01:04:42,000 --> 01:04:44,240
Speaker 1: think she's thirty four, thirty five, but she does she

1109
01:04:44,360 --> 01:04:47,360
Speaker 1: really wants to have a baby. She wants to have

1110
01:04:47,560 --> 01:04:50,800
Speaker 1: a child. And she has just a lot of friends

1111
01:04:50,840 --> 01:04:53,360
Speaker 1: around that she sees that are married with kids, and

1112
01:04:53,400 --> 01:04:58,280
Speaker 1: they're miserable, like so miserable, and so she was just

1113
01:04:58,320 --> 01:05:00,480
Speaker 1: asking them kind of like what they like, they had

1114
01:05:00,560 --> 01:05:03,520
Speaker 1: different they have such different parenting styles, and so she's

1115
01:05:03,600 --> 01:05:06,840
Speaker 1: just like, if I want a kid, maybe I should

1116
01:05:06,840 --> 01:05:09,960
Speaker 1: just adopt and I can have the parenting style that

1117
01:05:10,040 --> 01:05:11,320
Speaker 1: I want, you know what I mean, Like I have

1118
01:05:11,440 --> 01:05:13,280
Speaker 1: the means, I have the you know like, and I

1119
01:05:13,320 --> 01:05:15,280
Speaker 1: can adopt and do something good and then have a

1120
01:05:15,360 --> 01:05:17,240
Speaker 1: child and raise the child how I want to raise

1121
01:05:17,280 --> 01:05:19,760
Speaker 1: the child. And I was just like, this is it.

1122
01:05:21,480 --> 01:05:24,800
Speaker 1: That's that's exactly right. That's exactly everyone. Listen. We do

1123
01:05:24,840 --> 01:05:27,000
Speaker 1: live in a world right now where people can carve

1124
01:05:27,080 --> 01:05:29,920
Speaker 1: the path that's right for them, Like, it's your My

1125
01:05:30,000 --> 01:05:32,680
Speaker 1: boxing trainer always says to me, it's your you know,

1126
01:05:32,720 --> 01:05:36,040
Speaker 1: when I always boxing and trying to like a box

1127
01:05:36,120 --> 01:05:38,840
Speaker 1: for over ten years, and I any time I try

1128
01:05:38,840 --> 01:05:41,480
Speaker 1: and focus so much on technique to the point of

1129
01:05:41,880 --> 01:05:45,000
Speaker 1: I lose my rhythm. He's like, Matt's your punch like

1130
01:05:45,040 --> 01:05:47,720
Speaker 1: it's yours. You can't throw it wrong. It's yours, like

1131
01:05:48,000 --> 01:05:54,840
Speaker 1: your pickle, yes, your life like you can't you can't

1132
01:05:54,880 --> 01:05:58,520
Speaker 1: do it wrong. It's yours. And you have to figure

1133
01:05:58,520 --> 01:06:01,360
Speaker 1: out what that path is for you and not you

1134
01:06:01,360 --> 01:06:05,080
Speaker 1: know what society think of this, and that society gets

1135
01:06:05,120 --> 01:06:10,200
Speaker 1: the most basic things wrong all the time. Like it's

1136
01:06:10,240 --> 01:06:14,160
Speaker 1: society cannot be relied upon and historically has not been

1137
01:06:14,240 --> 01:06:16,800
Speaker 1: able to be relied upon to get even the most

1138
01:06:16,880 --> 01:06:20,360
Speaker 1: basic things right, things that a child knows to be true,

1139
01:06:20,720 --> 01:06:24,600
Speaker 1: society has gotten wrong. So what you're going to trust

1140
01:06:24,640 --> 01:06:28,760
Speaker 1: society on the nuance of your love life? On where

1141
01:06:28,800 --> 01:06:33,240
Speaker 1: you should be right now? And it's honestly, it's again,

1142
01:06:33,320 --> 01:06:35,400
Speaker 1: it's it's the thing we all do. It's a thing

1143
01:06:35,560 --> 01:06:38,520
Speaker 1: like we all will full prey to that. I'm in

1144
01:06:38,560 --> 01:06:41,360
Speaker 1: a position where people constantly ask me and my, so, Matt,

1145
01:06:41,520 --> 01:06:44,120
Speaker 1: you single, Well, so if you're single, then what is that?

1146
01:06:45,000 --> 01:06:48,400
Speaker 1: I don't care. I don't care about you know, this

1147
01:06:48,480 --> 01:06:50,680
Speaker 1: is not whether I'm in a relationship or not. I

1148
01:06:50,760 --> 01:06:54,120
Speaker 1: don't care about giving people that answer because it's not

1149
01:06:54,200 --> 01:06:57,560
Speaker 1: interesting to me. If I'm single, it doesn't mean I'm

1150
01:06:57,600 --> 01:07:02,720
Speaker 1: any less happy or accomplished. And I don't want the respect.

1151
01:07:02,360 --> 01:07:06,440
Speaker 1: I don't want respect that comes from being in a relationship.

1152
01:07:07,560 --> 01:07:10,040
Speaker 1: I don't want you if your respect goes up for

1153
01:07:10,080 --> 01:07:12,920
Speaker 1: me because I'm in a relationship, I don't want that respect.

1154
01:07:13,880 --> 01:07:16,400
Speaker 1: That's not interesting to me. Well, I could be at

1155
01:07:16,400 --> 01:07:20,480
Speaker 1: home miserable in a relationship, but you respect me more

1156
01:07:20,560 --> 01:07:23,840
Speaker 1: because I post Instagram pictures with a girlfriend. I don't

1157
01:07:23,840 --> 01:07:26,320
Speaker 1: want that respect. I don't care about it. I don't

1158
01:07:26,360 --> 01:07:30,800
Speaker 1: value it. So it's, you know, we have to shake

1159
01:07:30,840 --> 01:07:34,360
Speaker 1: off that crap. It's it's it really is. It's it

1160
01:07:34,480 --> 01:07:37,680
Speaker 1: only weighs you down, and no one like life's gonna

1161
01:07:37,720 --> 01:07:40,560
Speaker 1: be over and no one's gonna care. It's that. It's

1162
01:07:40,640 --> 01:07:44,400
Speaker 1: this stuff we torture ourselves with while we're here and

1163
01:07:44,600 --> 01:07:46,520
Speaker 1: m and I see women do it all the time,

1164
01:07:46,560 --> 01:07:48,120
Speaker 1: And I see women get it from other women. I

1165
01:07:48,160 --> 01:07:51,000
Speaker 1: see it get I see women get it from their

1166
01:07:51,040 --> 01:07:53,960
Speaker 1: grandmother's at the dinner table. I see them get it

1167
01:07:54,000 --> 01:07:56,360
Speaker 1: from their mom's. I see them get it from their friends.

1168
01:07:56,400 --> 01:08:00,840
Speaker 1: I see him get it from like constant pressure and

1169
01:08:00,960 --> 01:08:04,240
Speaker 1: from people who aren't even happy, many of them from

1170
01:08:04,280 --> 01:08:07,400
Speaker 1: people who aren't happy with having made the exact decision

1171
01:08:07,440 --> 01:08:12,520
Speaker 1: that they're pressuring her to make. It's literally so true,

1172
01:08:14,520 --> 01:08:17,599
Speaker 1: so true. Pick your path, You pick your own path,

1173
01:08:17,760 --> 01:08:21,240
Speaker 1: figure it out, and and you know and trust trust

1174
01:08:21,280 --> 01:08:23,880
Speaker 1: that if you if you just left the relationship because

1175
01:08:23,880 --> 01:08:27,599
Speaker 1: it wasn't working for you, you won. You won. If

1176
01:08:27,640 --> 01:08:29,559
Speaker 1: you're still single because you didn't settle for the last

1177
01:08:29,560 --> 01:08:31,800
Speaker 1: guy that came along who would have made you deeply

1178
01:08:31,840 --> 01:08:33,360
Speaker 1: unhappy in the long run, but would have made your

1179
01:08:33,400 --> 01:08:39,120
Speaker 1: grandma really happy, you won. You won. And like I

1180
01:08:39,200 --> 01:08:42,439
Speaker 1: say to people all the time, I am just as

1181
01:08:42,479 --> 01:08:46,240
Speaker 1: happy with the breakups have been responsible for in my

1182
01:08:46,320 --> 01:08:49,960
Speaker 1: coaching as the relationships have been responsible for m HM.

1183
01:08:50,720 --> 01:08:52,639
Speaker 1: People think that when I'm I walked down the street

1184
01:08:52,640 --> 01:08:54,400
Speaker 1: in New York and a woman comes up to me,

1185
01:08:54,439 --> 01:08:56,120
Speaker 1: which happens all the time, someone come up to me

1186
01:08:56,160 --> 01:08:59,080
Speaker 1: and said, I'm married because of you. I'm with my

1187
01:08:59,160 --> 01:09:02,040
Speaker 1: long term partner because of what you taught me. People

1188
01:09:02,040 --> 01:09:03,720
Speaker 1: like Matt, that must be the most amazing moment in

1189
01:09:03,760 --> 01:09:08,240
Speaker 1: the world. It's just as thrilling to me when someone

1190
01:09:08,320 --> 01:09:11,200
Speaker 1: comes up to me in the street and says, I

1191
01:09:11,240 --> 01:09:14,080
Speaker 1: was with a toxic person and because of you, I'm

1192
01:09:14,120 --> 01:09:17,760
Speaker 1: no longer with that person. That's just I saved that

1193
01:09:17,880 --> 01:09:21,559
Speaker 1: person's life. I mean, they saved their life because they

1194
01:09:21,600 --> 01:09:23,360
Speaker 1: had the guts to make the decision. But I've got

1195
01:09:23,400 --> 01:09:26,200
Speaker 1: to be a part of that. That's life saving when

1196
01:09:26,200 --> 01:09:28,679
Speaker 1: someone decides not to be with the wrong person anymore.

1197
01:09:29,479 --> 01:09:32,719
Speaker 1: Um So, I I just think we have this really

1198
01:09:32,840 --> 01:09:39,240
Speaker 1: juvenile version of of what success is. Success can be leaving,

1199
01:09:39,560 --> 01:09:42,320
Speaker 1: success can be being on your own right now. Success

1200
01:09:42,320 --> 01:09:47,639
Speaker 1: can be working on yourself. You know, it's it's not

1201
01:09:47,840 --> 01:09:50,479
Speaker 1: it's not the it's not the version were being presented

1202
01:09:50,560 --> 01:09:57,040
Speaker 1: with on Instagram, which is Partners, perfect Partners and diamond

1203
01:09:57,040 --> 01:10:02,240
Speaker 1: watches and whatever other nonsense people constantly. I just have

1204
01:10:02,360 --> 01:10:05,200
Speaker 1: to say thank you seriously so much because I feel

1205
01:10:05,240 --> 01:10:07,800
Speaker 1: like this was such a great way to kick off

1206
01:10:08,720 --> 01:10:12,639
Speaker 1: for the podcast, because, um, I have kind of been

1207
01:10:12,680 --> 01:10:16,479
Speaker 1: going through a really rough last two weeks and I

1208
01:10:16,520 --> 01:10:18,360
Speaker 1: didn't want to get into it today because I'm still

1209
01:10:18,400 --> 01:10:23,200
Speaker 1: not able to really like talk without getting emotional about it. So, um,

1210
01:10:23,240 --> 01:10:25,120
Speaker 1: it was nice to have you and like I just

1211
01:10:25,120 --> 01:10:28,960
Speaker 1: feel like you always give me this kind of resurgence

1212
01:10:29,120 --> 01:10:32,000
Speaker 1: of exactly like what I need and especially like when

1213
01:10:32,040 --> 01:10:34,280
Speaker 1: I need it, and I really needed this today, So

1214
01:10:34,400 --> 01:10:38,160
Speaker 1: thank you, UM. And then I want I want you

1215
01:10:38,280 --> 01:10:40,599
Speaker 1: to tell everybody I know that you have some video

1216
01:10:41,120 --> 01:10:45,120
Speaker 1: um that people are videos that people can help unlock

1217
01:10:45,160 --> 01:10:50,639
Speaker 1: their confidence. Right, Yeah, there's there's for anyone who who decides,

1218
01:10:50,680 --> 01:10:52,519
Speaker 1: you know what. I really want to take what I've

1219
01:10:52,600 --> 01:10:56,519
Speaker 1: learned from this podcast and work on myself. And you know,

1220
01:10:56,720 --> 01:10:58,759
Speaker 1: I think any work you do to build the asset

1221
01:10:58,800 --> 01:11:02,040
Speaker 1: that is you is going to pay dividends forever. And

1222
01:11:03,040 --> 01:11:05,000
Speaker 1: I have a training that can help people do that

1223
01:11:05,040 --> 01:11:08,559
Speaker 1: because it's all about how to be the most confident

1224
01:11:08,640 --> 01:11:11,759
Speaker 1: version of yourself. And I break down what I've learned

1225
01:11:11,760 --> 01:11:15,160
Speaker 1: are the three layers of confidence in a very easy

1226
01:11:15,200 --> 01:11:18,920
Speaker 1: to learn structure that once people hear this, they'll realize

1227
01:11:18,960 --> 01:11:21,920
Speaker 1: I've never I've never thought of confidence that way before,

1228
01:11:22,040 --> 01:11:25,599
Speaker 1: and it's never been so practical to be confident. So

1229
01:11:25,920 --> 01:11:30,280
Speaker 1: that's a Get core confidence dot com. They can go

1230
01:11:30,360 --> 01:11:33,040
Speaker 1: there and you'll be watching it within sixty seconds of

1231
01:11:33,080 --> 01:11:36,400
Speaker 1: hearing my voice now, So it's Get Core Confident. Put

1232
01:11:36,439 --> 01:11:39,519
Speaker 1: that website. Get core confidence dot Com. I'll put it

1233
01:11:39,560 --> 01:11:42,040
Speaker 1: in our Facebook group, so anybody listening that wants to

1234
01:11:42,120 --> 01:11:43,880
Speaker 1: check it out can just click there. Because I feel

1235
01:11:43,920 --> 01:11:45,840
Speaker 1: like a lot of the questions that we did get

1236
01:11:45,880 --> 01:11:47,920
Speaker 1: free that we obviously didn't get to, but a lot

1237
01:11:47,920 --> 01:11:51,240
Speaker 1: of them have to do with confidence in dating and insecurities,

1238
01:11:51,280 --> 01:11:52,880
Speaker 1: and so I think that's a really great place for

1239
01:11:52,920 --> 01:11:55,720
Speaker 1: people to go, um to get your advice in that

1240
01:11:55,880 --> 01:12:00,000
Speaker 1: in that direction. So thank you so much. Is there,

1241
01:12:02,600 --> 01:12:06,639
Speaker 1: I'm always know I could be here for hours with you. Literally,

1242
01:12:06,680 --> 01:12:08,400
Speaker 1: I don't know how. I can't believe how fast that went.

1243
01:12:08,560 --> 01:12:10,640
Speaker 1: I know, I'm like, I don't want to wrap, I

1244
01:12:10,680 --> 01:12:12,360
Speaker 1: don't I mean, looking like, can we have your back?

1245
01:12:12,360 --> 01:12:14,960
Speaker 1: Could easily do a seven hour podcast with Matthew and

1246
01:12:15,000 --> 01:12:19,400
Speaker 1: it would fly by, fly by. Thanks Mark, I know,

1247
01:12:19,479 --> 01:12:23,000
Speaker 1: I was. I genuinely have so loved this and you're

1248
01:12:23,080 --> 01:12:26,320
Speaker 1: so I mean Mark, it was also just a treat

1249
01:12:26,360 --> 01:12:27,960
Speaker 1: to have you on here as well. That was really

1250
01:12:28,000 --> 01:12:30,240
Speaker 1: that was super fun man, and you like you're both

1251
01:12:30,280 --> 01:12:33,679
Speaker 1: so you're both so real. I mean this, your audience

1252
01:12:33,720 --> 01:12:36,200
Speaker 1: is lucky to have you, because there's not there aren't

1253
01:12:36,240 --> 01:12:40,920
Speaker 1: that many places where people are just very very you know,

1254
01:12:41,120 --> 01:12:46,439
Speaker 1: successful people are very very honest about their shortcomings and

1255
01:12:46,439 --> 01:12:48,160
Speaker 1: what they're struggling with. We have a lot of fake

1256
01:12:48,240 --> 01:12:53,200
Speaker 1: vulnerability out there, but not an awful lot of real vulnerability,

1257
01:12:53,280 --> 01:12:56,919
Speaker 1: and I think that's what makes us feel less alone

1258
01:12:57,400 --> 01:13:00,479
Speaker 1: in the world. I think we're very lonely, and we're

1259
01:13:00,520 --> 01:13:03,280
Speaker 1: lonely because we think we're the only ones suffering with

1260
01:13:03,640 --> 01:13:06,679
Speaker 1: what we're suffering with. I always think the greatest gift

1261
01:13:06,720 --> 01:13:09,920
Speaker 1: you can give someone is just let them know you're

1262
01:13:09,960 --> 01:13:13,840
Speaker 1: screw up to but also that yours but you're still

1263
01:13:13,880 --> 01:13:16,320
Speaker 1: able to achieve in spite of that, and that's that's

1264
01:13:16,439 --> 01:13:18,640
Speaker 1: just the most beautiful thing in the world. So I

1265
01:13:18,960 --> 01:13:22,120
Speaker 1: appreciate and applaud what you're doing. Thank you, I always

1266
01:13:22,120 --> 01:13:25,280
Speaker 1: say too. I'm like, I will. I feel like I'm

1267
01:13:25,320 --> 01:13:27,559
Speaker 1: like the vagina Queen, Like i will just talk about

1268
01:13:27,560 --> 01:13:29,920
Speaker 1: everything and anything that has to do with the vagina

1269
01:13:29,960 --> 01:13:33,400
Speaker 1: and periods because as women, we like we have them,

1270
01:13:33,520 --> 01:13:35,840
Speaker 1: and nobody talks about it and we all have the

1271
01:13:36,000 --> 01:13:39,760
Speaker 1: same issues and like nobody, so I feel like I'm

1272
01:13:39,800 --> 01:13:43,760
Speaker 1: just bombarded with messages of just like everything that has

1273
01:13:43,800 --> 01:13:45,200
Speaker 1: to do with the vagina. So I'm like, I will

1274
01:13:45,280 --> 01:13:47,960
Speaker 1: keep talking about the vagina and periods and show you

1275
01:13:47,960 --> 01:13:51,639
Speaker 1: how to use your Diva cup all day until I'm

1276
01:13:54,280 --> 01:13:56,080
Speaker 1: do you know what's so beautiful about that is that

1277
01:13:56,200 --> 01:14:01,719
Speaker 1: it's again, It's like, the more the more I've looked

1278
01:14:01,760 --> 01:14:04,439
Speaker 1: for the real in in in life and the world,

1279
01:14:04,479 --> 01:14:07,720
Speaker 1: the more I realized that you think everything is being

1280
01:14:07,760 --> 01:14:10,040
Speaker 1: talked about because everyone's talking, you know what I mean?

1281
01:14:10,120 --> 01:14:12,639
Speaker 1: You think because the world, because there's so many people

1282
01:14:12,680 --> 01:14:14,960
Speaker 1: on social media, and because there's so many podcasts, and

1283
01:14:15,000 --> 01:14:17,880
Speaker 1: because there's so many you think everything must be being

1284
01:14:17,920 --> 01:14:21,479
Speaker 1: talked about. And then you realize there are certain things

1285
01:14:21,520 --> 01:14:25,000
Speaker 1: that no one is really talking about, not with any

1286
01:14:25,080 --> 01:14:28,439
Speaker 1: true not with the authenticity and bravery, And there are

1287
01:14:28,520 --> 01:14:32,639
Speaker 1: certain things that everyone tiptoes around, and when someone steps

1288
01:14:32,680 --> 01:14:37,040
Speaker 1: in bravely and does that, it's it is to be commended.

1289
01:14:37,439 --> 01:14:39,679
Speaker 1: So I'm sure you've made a lot of people feel

1290
01:14:39,800 --> 01:14:44,040
Speaker 1: much more free and um and less alone from talking

1291
01:14:44,080 --> 01:14:46,000
Speaker 1: about those things. Just from a quick just on a

1292
01:14:46,040 --> 01:14:48,240
Speaker 1: quick male perspective, where do you land on period sex?

1293
01:14:51,760 --> 01:14:56,120
Speaker 1: I don't have a problem with period sex. I say

1294
01:14:56,120 --> 01:14:58,800
Speaker 1: that too. I don't know, I certainly don't have a

1295
01:14:58,840 --> 01:15:02,840
Speaker 1: problem with period sex. Great, Yeah, what's the general answer

1296
01:15:02,880 --> 01:15:04,479
Speaker 1: you get on that well. A lot of women are

1297
01:15:04,479 --> 01:15:06,519
Speaker 1: really insecure about it. They like don't want to have

1298
01:15:06,520 --> 01:15:08,720
Speaker 1: sex on their period, and it's like always this thing,

1299
01:15:08,800 --> 01:15:10,600
Speaker 1: and I'm just like, it is what it is. We

1300
01:15:10,640 --> 01:15:15,320
Speaker 1: get our periods. Yeah, I can understand. I mean, it's

1301
01:15:15,320 --> 01:15:17,240
Speaker 1: I suppose it's like anything, isn't it. It's when you

1302
01:15:17,320 --> 01:15:21,559
Speaker 1: when you feel like you're not totally like yourself. It's

1303
01:15:22,240 --> 01:15:25,320
Speaker 1: it's anything. There's like one day on my period that

1304
01:15:25,400 --> 01:15:27,400
Speaker 1: I don't want to do it because I just feel

1305
01:15:27,439 --> 01:15:29,599
Speaker 1: like my boobs her and I feel bloated. But other

1306
01:15:29,720 --> 01:15:33,240
Speaker 1: than that, like I feel great. So it's like I

1307
01:15:33,280 --> 01:15:39,120
Speaker 1: always think so so much of it's really interesting because

1308
01:15:39,160 --> 01:15:44,600
Speaker 1: it's we whatever. We you know, we we find a

1309
01:15:44,720 --> 01:15:49,080
Speaker 1: way to just transmit our if we think something's gross,

1310
01:15:49,320 --> 01:15:52,920
Speaker 1: we're sending someone else the message that it's gross. And

1311
01:15:53,040 --> 01:15:55,200
Speaker 1: now even if they didn't think it was gross, they're going,

1312
01:15:55,280 --> 01:15:58,600
Speaker 1: is it gross? You know, like, if something's not for you,

1313
01:15:58,840 --> 01:16:01,240
Speaker 1: if you're like, if you take it in your stride

1314
01:16:01,280 --> 01:16:04,080
Speaker 1: and you're like, I'm not like, I still I'm horning

1315
01:16:04,160 --> 01:16:05,599
Speaker 1: for you. I still want to be with you right now.

1316
01:16:05,680 --> 01:16:09,599
Speaker 1: I still like then people often take their cue from us,

1317
01:16:10,400 --> 01:16:12,040
Speaker 1: and I think that's the only thing I can add

1318
01:16:12,080 --> 01:16:14,280
Speaker 1: on that subject from the other side, because it's certainly

1319
01:16:14,320 --> 01:16:16,680
Speaker 1: not a lot I can add on periods, but I

1320
01:16:17,200 --> 01:16:19,920
Speaker 1: but from the other side, I can say that, you know,

1321
01:16:20,280 --> 01:16:23,280
Speaker 1: if you're ever worried about that, do realize that people

1322
01:16:23,520 --> 01:16:27,240
Speaker 1: generally take their cue from you. What what you make

1323
01:16:27,320 --> 01:16:30,200
Speaker 1: a big deal out of You're sending the message to

1324
01:16:30,439 --> 01:16:33,960
Speaker 1: somebody else that it's a big deal. If it's don't

1325
01:16:34,000 --> 01:16:37,200
Speaker 1: make a big deal out of it. Um, then you

1326
01:16:37,280 --> 01:16:39,760
Speaker 1: know you're saying you're telling someone else to relax to

1327
01:16:40,000 --> 01:16:44,160
Speaker 1: subcond You know, subconsciously, that's what you're communicating that you

1328
01:16:44,320 --> 01:16:46,519
Speaker 1: have some you have some leverage over the way people

1329
01:16:46,560 --> 01:16:50,600
Speaker 1: react to that. True. Um, Okay, So I'm gonna let

1330
01:16:50,640 --> 01:16:53,719
Speaker 1: you go. I'm gonna it feels like an appropriate place

1331
01:16:53,760 --> 01:16:56,600
Speaker 1: to wrap period sex. It's where we always where we

1332
01:16:56,640 --> 01:17:00,639
Speaker 1: always like to end the podcast. So thank you, thank

1333
01:17:00,680 --> 01:17:02,439
Speaker 1: you so much. Please come back. I'm going to reach out.

1334
01:17:02,520 --> 01:17:04,360
Speaker 1: We need to have you back, especially when beck is here,

1335
01:17:04,360 --> 01:17:06,240
Speaker 1: because she's gonna be she's gonna be really sad that

1336
01:17:06,320 --> 01:17:08,680
Speaker 1: she missed you. So won't make that happen. I'd love to,

1337
01:17:08,880 --> 01:17:11,120
Speaker 1: and I wish her and her family the best as well,

1338
01:17:11,479 --> 01:17:34,800
Speaker 1: Love you, Love you too, M.