Speaker 1: I Ami Amlah. I had a baby daddy relationship. I
Speaker 1: spent time in a relationship with a married man. I
Speaker 1: had to learn the skills and tools required to make
Speaker 1: my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the Our Spot,
Speaker 1: a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Listen.
Speaker 1: Leaving isn't easy. I just want you to know that
Speaker 1: leaving a relationship isn't easy. Maybe maybe I had mentioned
Speaker 1: once before, I just want to say again that leaving
Speaker 1: a relationship, a loving, intimate relationship, it's not an easy
Speaker 1: thing to do. It's not easy on any level, in
Speaker 1: leaving any kind of relationship, but loveship or familyship or friendship,
Speaker 1: it's not easy. But there are those times and situations
Speaker 1: when it's absolutely necessary. But there's a process and there's
Speaker 1: a way to do it. Sometimes you can't leave a
Speaker 1: relationship right away. Sometimes you have to leave in stages.
Speaker 1: I've mastered the art of leaving in stages, okay, and
Speaker 1: you must understand your reasons for doing it. Leaving isn't easy,
Speaker 1: but it can be done. Greetings beloved, Welcome to the
Speaker 1: Our Spot and how may I support you today? What
Speaker 1: is your relationship challenge the Lemma issue. First, I'd like
Speaker 1: to say thank you for sharing your talents with me today.
Speaker 1: I really appreciate you taking my call. Well, I appreciate
Speaker 1: you calling, I said. The issue that I'm having today
Speaker 1: is if marital issues with myself and my husband. We've
Speaker 1: been married eighteen years now. We have two beautiful children
Speaker 1: through adoption. It was a very long road to become parents,
Speaker 1: and I thought all was well in our world until
Speaker 1: about five years ago when he developed an emotional relationship
Speaker 1: with a coworker. It happened to be during a very
Speaker 1: stressful time in our life. My daughter was diagnosed to
Speaker 1: some neurological differences, and I was very stressed out with work,
Speaker 1: and so we just became disconnected and he found comfort
Speaker 1: in the companionship with another woman. I don't believe that
Speaker 1: there was a physical affair, but they were coworkers, so
Speaker 1: I don't know that for sure. I thought we had
Speaker 1: moved on from that, and then I had forgiven him
Speaker 1: and we were working on a relationship when two months
Speaker 1: ago I found out that he was communicating with a
Speaker 1: woman who he'd connected with over Instagram and sending um
Speaker 1: photos and videos back and forth. For a short period
Speaker 1: of time before I found them. And so today I'm
Speaker 1: very much struggling with what to do from this point forward,
Speaker 1: knowing that we have two beautiful children that I love dearly.
Speaker 1: I do love my husband. He has been different this
Speaker 1: time around in that he's, you know, he's he's promising
Speaker 1: to work on us and putting us first and repairing
Speaker 1: the relationship. Um, he's decided to go to counseling to
Speaker 1: find out, you know, the root cause of his insecurities
Speaker 1: and things, and and I do see a lot of
Speaker 1: effort on his apart my fears that I don't I
Speaker 1: don't really know what my heart wants at this point,
Speaker 1: whether that's move on or um, continue in the relationship
Speaker 1: and try to make it work. I feel like I
Speaker 1: owe that to our kids. But at the same time, UM,
Speaker 1: you know, this is kind of the second time that
Speaker 1: that I've really done just hurt so sadly. UM, and
Speaker 1: I'm not sure if I can move on from that. Okay,
Speaker 1: lots going on. Hey, yeah, yeah, So a couple of
Speaker 1: things I heard you say. Is it that you don't
Speaker 1: know what your heart wants or you're scared, afraid, hesitant
Speaker 1: to say what your heart warts. I think it's a
Speaker 1: combination of both. Um. I think I think I'm very
Speaker 1: much afraid of all that I'll lose in dissolving our marriage,
Speaker 1: such as UM, you know, family, stended family. After being
Speaker 1: married for nineteen years now, I love his family dearly.
Speaker 1: They've They've become as close to me as my own. Um.
Speaker 1: His parents are the type of parents that I would
Speaker 1: have always wanted. Um, My relationship with my own parents'
Speaker 1: is a little bit more strained. But he also is
Speaker 1: a good father, and if you're not married to him,
Speaker 1: he'll stop being a good father. No. No, I don't
Speaker 1: think you could stop being a good father. And if
Speaker 1: you're not married to him, you can't have a relationship
Speaker 1: with his parents. I think they would choose him over
Speaker 1: a relationship with me. I think they would think that
Speaker 1: that keeping ties with me might be not fair to him.
Speaker 1: Are you a college graduate? I am. Did you take
Speaker 1: psychic one on one in college? Oh? You didn't take
Speaker 1: psychic one on one to be able to see what
Speaker 1: other people are thinking? No? No? Oh, okay, because you
Speaker 1: seem to be so focused on what other people will
Speaker 1: think as opposed to asking questions. Yeah, I guess the
Speaker 1: reason my thoughts were on that end, is that they
Speaker 1: never reached out to me after they found the house
Speaker 1: the first time around, and I wasn't their business, wasn't
Speaker 1: wasn't their business? No, that's true. They can't be up
Speaker 1: in your marriage. Did you reach out to them? No,
Speaker 1: So you wanted them to come uninvited and unasked into
Speaker 1: your marriage. Yeah? And what did you want them to
Speaker 1: do when they got in the marriage. I guess I
Speaker 1: just wanted them to know that they were there for me,
Speaker 1: or that they would let me know that they were
Speaker 1: there for me regardless of what happened. Well, you don't
Speaker 1: know that they weren't because you didn't go as a
Speaker 1: woman to another elder woman woman his mother and say, look,
Speaker 1: I'm having this challenge with my husband, not with your son,
Speaker 1: but I'm having this challenge with my husband. Okay, So
Speaker 1: I want to ask you this question again. Is it
Speaker 1: that you don't know what your heart wants? Or is
Speaker 1: it that you're afraid to look at what your heart
Speaker 1: wants because you're looking at the negative possibilities? What does
Speaker 1: your heart want? And ask you what can you make happen?
Speaker 1: But what does your heart want? Honestly? Yeah? Yeah, honestly,
Speaker 1: no lie to me. I wish I could go back
Speaker 1: in time to wear before the heart ache. And what
Speaker 1: exactly is the heart ache and the broken trust? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Seeking seeking companionship and friendship and emotional connection with someone
Speaker 1: other than me. What does the story you tell yourself
Speaker 1: about why he did that that wasn't enough? Yes? And
Speaker 1: how old is that message in your brain? How old
Speaker 1: is I'm not enough? When was the first time you
Speaker 1: thought that? Oh gosh, childhood? Yeah? Yeah, this goes way back.
Speaker 1: So this is what I'm hearing you say. And if
Speaker 1: any of this doesn't land for you, just tell me
Speaker 1: and will pick it apart. Hearing you say that you
Speaker 1: were married, that you've been married to a man that
Speaker 1: you love, and in your time of mothering attending to
Speaker 1: your daughter in addition to work, in addition to your
Speaker 1: own brushing your teeth and combing your hair, your husband
Speaker 1: developed an emotional relationship with a woman. You're in dilemma
Speaker 1: as to whether you can trust the man you love,
Speaker 1: who's betrayed you twice, who's violated your trust twice. However,
Speaker 1: competing with that is your fear of dissolving your marriage
Speaker 1: and what that would mean to you. To your children,
Speaker 1: what that would mean in terms of your relationships with
Speaker 1: his family and under that you haven't really checked in
Speaker 1: with yourself to know what your heart wants, other than
Speaker 1: to go back in time time, which you know you
Speaker 1: can't do. I want to offer you that what you
Speaker 1: wanted your husband to get his stuff together and stop
Speaker 1: this foolishness running around with other women, that's what you
Speaker 1: really want. Would that be accurate? Absolutely? Oh? So why
Speaker 1: can't you say that? So? I wonder what else you
Speaker 1: don't say in your marriage from the fear and the
Speaker 1: belief that you're not enough. We'll talk about that right
Speaker 1: after this break. Welcome back to the OAR spot. Let's
Speaker 1: get back to the conversation. I want to know how
Speaker 1: you knew, how you found out about both the emotional
Speaker 1: relationship and the online relationship. How did you find that out?
Speaker 1: The first time? It was seeing his account on our
Speaker 1: shared electronic device and encountering the mess where he's professing
Speaker 1: his love to the person that this only circumstances were different,
Speaker 1: That you know that they could be together, but understanding
Speaker 1: why they couldn't, and that they would need to part ways,
Speaker 1: but that he would forever love her, and that made
Speaker 1: you feel? What did he hear? Your husband for professing
Speaker 1: his love for another woman made you feel? What? This
Speaker 1: completely utterly abandoned and rejected and as though I didn't
Speaker 1: matter in our relationship at all. And when you confronted
Speaker 1: him or confronted him about it, what did he say? Oh?
Speaker 1: He tried to tell me that it meant absolutely nothing,
Speaker 1: and of course I did not believe him. And how
Speaker 1: did you heal that? How did you heal that betrayal,
Speaker 1: that violation of trust, that broken commitment? How did you
Speaker 1: heal that? I tried to work on myself. I tried
Speaker 1: to um, I took up taekwondo, UM, I started being
Speaker 1: a therapist. I really tried to focus on me. Um obviously,
Speaker 1: you know, having thought that that my issues and my
Speaker 1: depression during that time, but that I was the problem
Speaker 1: and the the reason why he had disconnected. Okay, and then
Speaker 1: in the second how far apart were these instances the
Speaker 1: first emotional relationship? And yeah, approximately five years? Okay, five years?
Speaker 1: Please got the five years itch we had that happened
Speaker 1: to be up north with with friends of ours, the
Speaker 1: kids play in a lake, and um and came upon it,
Speaker 1: by surprise, came upon what um the well Uh, I'd
Speaker 1: asked to borrow a stone and he made sure to
Speaker 1: um close out all the apps before handing it to
Speaker 1: which brought on suspicion on my part. And so then
Speaker 1: I did go looking through the text messages to find something,
Speaker 1: some sort of indication of what why why he seems
Speaker 1: so suspicient before, you know, before handing over the phone.
Speaker 1: And then I had found a text from an unknown
Speaker 1: number saying, UM, you know, let's chat over WhatsApp. And
Speaker 1: when I found the WhatsApp apps, then I found them
Speaker 1: the dialogue and it had only been going on for
Speaker 1: about a week, but um, that time was enough to
Speaker 1: share some you know, not so um clean material and
Speaker 1: um again you know, just was crushed. So you are
Speaker 1: married to a man who you're disconnected from emotionally. I
Speaker 1: guess you're married to a man who's betrayed you to us.
Speaker 1: You're married to a man who's violated his commitment to
Speaker 1: his vows, married to a man who disrespects and dishonors
Speaker 1: himself because he's sneaking around with other woman. Women doesn't
Speaker 1: have anything to do with you. It's about him. You're
Speaker 1: married to a man who doesn't have integrity. You're married
Speaker 1: to a man who is emotionally dishonest. Never mind what
Speaker 1: he's done to you, Look at what he's done to
Speaker 1: these other two women, those women. So this is the
Speaker 1: man you want to stay married to? Is that what
Speaker 1: I'm hearing you say? I don't know? Yeah, you do know.
Speaker 1: Stop saying you don't know. You absolutely do know. It's
Speaker 1: just that hearing it is a little shocking and horrifying. Yeah,
Speaker 1: do you want to stay mad? See? See, here's the thing. Beloving.
Speaker 1: Love is durable. Love is like teflon on iron. It
Speaker 1: can endure, and it can be patient, and it can forgive,
Speaker 1: and it can do all of that never fails. It's
Speaker 1: trust that's fragile. And once trust is broken, it taints everything.
Speaker 1: And sometimes because we love, we love out a habit
Speaker 1: we think we are supposed to love or have to
Speaker 1: love and do love no matter what. The question becomes,
Speaker 1: do you want to remain married to a man you
Speaker 1: cannot trust and a man who triggers up your core
Speaker 1: belief that you're not enough? No, and you can heal
Speaker 1: up I'm not enough. You can do the work and
Speaker 1: you can uncover that, and you can heal that up.
Speaker 1: That's not going to repair the trust between you and
Speaker 1: a man who has no integrity, who is emotionally dishonest,
Speaker 1: who doesn't honor commitments, who's betrayed your trust. You healing
Speaker 1: your issue is not going to change that. So the
Speaker 1: question becomes, do you want to stay married to a
Speaker 1: man who behaves that way? And do you trust that
Speaker 1: he'll get his stuff together? Because if you do, go
Speaker 1: to counseling, get it handled and figure it out step
Speaker 1: by step. But it's going to start with you being
Speaker 1: honest with yourself about what the soup is that you're making.
Speaker 1: Because this is a soup. You got all kinds of
Speaker 1: stuff in here, his parents, your parents, you know, the love,
Speaker 1: the habits, the attachments, the fears, anger, hurt, rejection, abandon
Speaker 1: all of that's in the soup. Yeah, how tasty? Is it? Not? Very? No?
Speaker 1: And I dare to say, and please forgive me if
Speaker 1: I'm wrong. I'm willing to be wrong. What was the
Speaker 1: consequence of him having this emotional relationship or him doing
Speaker 1: it again with somebody else? What was the consequence? I
Speaker 1: don't know other than yeah, why should he change? Why
Speaker 1: should he change? There's no consequence to his behavior He'll
Speaker 1: put up with you moping and poping and fussing and
Speaker 1: cussin or whatever you do, and and cheating him bad,
Speaker 1: putting him in a box by the stove for sixty days.
Speaker 1: You can't see your naked for another thirty and then
Speaker 1: you go right back to the same thing. So the
Speaker 1: question becomes, do you want to fight for this marriage
Speaker 1: with some real clear intentions and consequences, or do you
Speaker 1: want to keep sucking on this a bit of soup.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be I don't want to be
Speaker 1: heartbroken again. I don't I don't want to him in
Speaker 1: mistrust and living fear. You know. But you know, maybe
Speaker 1: here from now, two years, three years, five years from now,
Speaker 1: you know that I end up in the same exact
Speaker 1: place I am today. Have you told him that that
Speaker 1: I have? And what has his response been? He says
Speaker 1: he takes every day one day at a time, focused
Speaker 1: on the right things. He brought himself a bracelet that
Speaker 1: says commitment on it. Did he buy you one? No,
Speaker 1: he brought himself. Y'all should be wearing the same bracelet. Um.
Speaker 1: So he said he was just going to take it
Speaker 1: day by day, focusing on the right things. And making
Speaker 1: intentions to prove to me just how much I matter
Speaker 1: to him and how much he wants me in his life. Um,
Speaker 1: but it's only been a few months, and my concern
Speaker 1: is that over time, but that's you know, that's that'll
Speaker 1: fall by the wayside, and you know, five years from
Speaker 1: now we're left. You know, the things get back to
Speaker 1: the old normal. It may it may not, but you've
Speaker 1: given him all the power. What do you want? I
Speaker 1: think that's the first question I asked you, what do
Speaker 1: you want? See? When I was married, there are two
Speaker 1: things that I didn't do. I put up with a lot.
Speaker 1: I stayed in a marriage of domestic violence for nine years.
Speaker 1: Nine years I put up with that. The two things
Speaker 1: that you know just turned me into a Tasmanian devil.
Speaker 1: One is cheating and one is messing with my money.
Speaker 1: Do not mess with my money. I don't play that.
Speaker 1: I don't care who you are. I'm going, I'm out.
Speaker 1: I'm out. And unfortunately, so very often in marriages, we
Speaker 1: go into these marriages and we don't have a deal breaker.
Speaker 1: And when I counsel people into marriage, I set up
Speaker 1: the deal breaker up front, because then there's no more
Speaker 1: conversation this is the deal breaker. You break this deal,
Speaker 1: I'm out. I don't care if it's ten years, twenty two,
Speaker 1: eighty six. This is the deal breaker. So my question
Speaker 1: to you would be, what is your deal breaker? It's
Speaker 1: not a man who lies, because he's lied to you
Speaker 1: and you're there. It's not a man who lives honorably
Speaker 1: and with integrity because he's shown you that that's not
Speaker 1: who he is. And yes, people make mistakes, and yes
Speaker 1: people can change, but what is your role and responsibility
Speaker 1: towards yourself in the process. Then he's done this and
Speaker 1: there's no consequences, so why should he change? So you
Speaker 1: know you're so worried about what you're gonna lose, imagine
Speaker 1: what you're gonna gain. And I am not at all
Speaker 1: counseling you out of your marriage and the fact I
Speaker 1: want to support you in learning how to stay. But
Speaker 1: you gotta have a deal breaker, and that's got to
Speaker 1: be clear to you. You have to know what it is,
Speaker 1: and you have to know why it is. You have
Speaker 1: to communicate it to him with a clear consequence for
Speaker 1: breaking the deal, because if you don't do that, it's
Speaker 1: like if you don't have strong boundaries and strong walls.
Speaker 1: You know, any old thing passing by can just drop in.
Speaker 1: Sometimes when we face a life altering change, we dismiss it,
Speaker 1: or deny it or resist it because we don't know
Speaker 1: that we're enough to handle it. Are you enough for you?
Speaker 1: With him or without him? Are you enough for you?
Speaker 1: I need to work on that. Yeah. I need to
Speaker 1: share my strength. I need to establish clear boundaries and
Speaker 1: communicate them. You might want to tell him that, Okay,
Speaker 1: you broke my heart and I don't trust you, and
Speaker 1: you didn't buy me a commitment bracelet fool. So what
Speaker 1: are you actually committed to? Your risk? Is that what
Speaker 1: you committed to? Because obviously you ain't committed to me.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you can laugh, because you know you gotta
Speaker 1: find a humor into somebody's name. He's committed to his wrist.
Speaker 1: He ain't committed to you. Yeah, So what, my beloved,
Speaker 1: do you want to do? I need to prove that
Speaker 1: I am strong. I need to prove to myself that
Speaker 1: I am powerful, not prove. Believe, not prove, because in
Speaker 1: order to get proof, you need external validation. You need
Speaker 1: to believe that you are strong. You need to believe
Speaker 1: that you are enough. You need to believe that you
Speaker 1: are powerful. Okay, and stop lying to yourself saying you
Speaker 1: don't know what you want. You absolutely do know what
Speaker 1: you want. You want your marriage to work, but you
Speaker 1: want your marriage to work with integrity and with honor
Speaker 1: and with respect and with love and with gentleness and kindness.
Speaker 1: And if you can get laid every now and then
Speaker 1: that'll be good too. You don't want to be in
Speaker 1: a marriage with a man who's sending his pictures to
Speaker 1: his We needed somebody on them. What app Oh no,
Speaker 1: what's your What the hell I want? And you can
Speaker 1: let him know. I'm willing to fight for this marriage,
Speaker 1: but I'm not willing to fight for the marriage to
Speaker 1: a man who has no integrity and who dishonors himself,
Speaker 1: because you can't honor me if you're dishonoring yourself. And
Speaker 1: if you're not willing to fight like that, you know,
Speaker 1: and I say fight, meaning you know, stand up for
Speaker 1: your marriage. If you're not willing to fight like that,
Speaker 1: then make your exit plan. You don't have to leave tomorrow,
Speaker 1: but that's what I would do. I'm from Brooklyn. I
Speaker 1: don't know where you live. The Midwest. Oh yeah, that's
Speaker 1: what's wrong with that's what's wrong with you. You out
Speaker 1: there at La La Land are from the hard, cold city. Baby.
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, and here's what I want you to know.
Speaker 1: It's okay that you've been there. It's okay. It's okay
Speaker 1: that you've been sad and hurt and embarrassed and afraid.
Speaker 1: That's okay. Just don't buy real estate there. Okay, you're
Speaker 1: gonna be just fine. Stay in touch with your heart. Okay,
Speaker 1: that's quiet time, listening, journaling, ask her what she knows
Speaker 1: to be true. Get clear about your deal breakers and
Speaker 1: what the consequence of each one of them is. Get
Speaker 1: clear about that and be willing to enact your consequences
Speaker 1: as a sign of respect that you can trust yourself
Speaker 1: and take your power back from him. Take your power back, okay,
Speaker 1: and knowing that you are enough, you'll be good either
Speaker 1: way it goes you let me know, okay. I will
Speaker 1: thank you, ma'am. Okay, all right, my love, have a
Speaker 1: blessed day. All right, God bless you always, except thank you,
Speaker 1: bye bye. Leaving a relationship is not the same as
Speaker 1: leaving because this or that happened. Leaving a relationship is
Speaker 1: always a choice. It's a choice to do what's best
Speaker 1: and right for you. Because staying in a relationship because
Speaker 1: of what the other person may or may not do.
Speaker 1: Leaving a relationship because of what a person has or
Speaker 1: has not done, that's never gonna work. Staying or leaving
Speaker 1: has to be the right choice for you because you
Speaker 1: are the only one who gets to say what goes
Speaker 1: on in your life after the break. Will come back
Speaker 1: with my second caller, who has a similar issue, but
Speaker 1: for a very different reason. Welcome back. I am y'all
Speaker 1: len this is the our spot. Usually when people ask
Speaker 1: me should I leave? I sense that they know they should,
Speaker 1: They just don't know how. So they stay. They stay
Speaker 1: for a variety of reasons. They stay because it's comfortable
Speaker 1: thet stay before, because it's familiar, They stay because it's
Speaker 1: a habit. They stay because they take the little good
Speaker 1: parts and try to blow them up big enough to
Speaker 1: make the relationship work. It's not gonna work. Just listen.
Speaker 1: Good to new, my beloved. Thank you for your patience
Speaker 1: and welcome to the our spot. How can I serve
Speaker 1: support assists move with you through your relationship dilemma today?
Speaker 1: Thank you for having me. I'm just so blessed with
Speaker 1: this opportunity. My question is I've been in a relationship
Speaker 1: now for off and on for eight years, and during
Speaker 1: the eight years, we've been through a lot. And during
Speaker 1: that time, I went to therapy, and I've done any
Speaker 1: of management. I've done a few things to try to
Speaker 1: better myself. And so I mean, now we're at the
Speaker 1: point where we're not the same people anymore, and I
Speaker 1: don't know if it's something that I should continue to
Speaker 1: fight for and pursue or is it something that is
Speaker 1: now time for us to kind of dissolve and go
Speaker 1: our sepul Okay, so let me ask you a question.
Speaker 1: After eight years and all that you've been through, is
Speaker 1: this something that you should pursue or something that you
Speaker 1: should leasing go your separate way. I don't know, absolutely,
Speaker 1: you do know through our relationship, I want to pursue
Speaker 1: us being together. I don't want to release it, Okay,
Speaker 1: So stay it. Sometimes staying feels it though it doesn't
Speaker 1: align with who I am, But I know there's no
Speaker 1: one out there it's going to be perfect. So even
Speaker 1: if I release it and move on, I feel steel
Speaker 1: fight with you know, it's gonna be someone else that's
Speaker 1: not gonna be perfect, And how do you just know
Speaker 1: when it's time to fight and to stay. No, it's
Speaker 1: just not perfect. Well, after eight years, if it ain't
Speaker 1: what you want, it's probably time to move on. But
Speaker 1: I didn't know you were pursuing perfection because that's a
Speaker 1: that is a wasted effort. Yeah, it's all perfect. It's
Speaker 1: all the way it needs to be for you to
Speaker 1: learn what you need to learn. But you fell in
Speaker 1: love with somebody and you're not that person anymore, and
Speaker 1: neither is he that person. So it sounds to me
Speaker 1: like you're staying out of habit familiarity and comfortability. And
Speaker 1: is that what you want? Habit familiar You know? Grandma
Speaker 1: used to say, better the devil you know than the
Speaker 1: one you don't know. I'll go with the one I
Speaker 1: don't know because that might be a little exciting. But
Speaker 1: after eight years therapy and anger management, clear acknowledgement that
Speaker 1: you're not who you used to be, what is the
Speaker 1: question this time ago? Yes, you know, here's the question
Speaker 1: Rather than should you go? The real question is why
Speaker 1: would you want to stay? Because that's where the issue is.
Speaker 1: The issue is not in leaving. The issue is what
Speaker 1: am I pursuing here? And can I get it. The
Speaker 1: issue is if I stay, what am I staying in?
Speaker 1: Because I heard you say you've been on and off right,
Speaker 1: So rather than looking at the difficulty in leaving, I
Speaker 1: would look at the benefit of staying or the difficulty
Speaker 1: in staying, because that may be where the problem is.
Speaker 1: So if you stay, what are you staying in a
Speaker 1: relationship that's familiar to me? Being in comfort? Yeah, it
Speaker 1: is a lot easier. Oh, it's so familiar. Change's uncomfortable
Speaker 1: and I don't like. Yeah, staying in a relationship that's comfortable,
Speaker 1: staying in a relationship that's familiar, staying in a relationship
Speaker 1: that's easy to accommodate and tolerate the dysfunction or the
Speaker 1: lack of fulfillment or whatever. Um, you know, staying in
Speaker 1: a relationship out of habit, staying in a relationship out
Speaker 1: of fear that you find the same thing somewhere else,
Speaker 1: as opposed to staying in a relationship or getting out
Speaker 1: of a relationship with excitement that now you know what
Speaker 1: you don't want? You know, yeah, and when you have
Speaker 1: it's a blend of family. So you know, my friend
Speaker 1: is a part of this, and I, yeah, I don't
Speaker 1: want to go back and forth, and I don't want
Speaker 1: to stay in it just you know, just because so
Speaker 1: I want to you know, s an example for him
Speaker 1: as well. So it's just it's a lot in it,
Speaker 1: and yeah, I gotta make Yeah, well, you are setting
Speaker 1: an example for him how to be unhappy, how to
Speaker 1: accommodate what you don't want, how to how to be unfulfilled,
Speaker 1: how to do how to accept less than you want
Speaker 1: or deserve or desire setting an example for him? If
Speaker 1: that if he so, I know, I've told you I've
Speaker 1: went through therapy and I've done those things, and it
Speaker 1: was something that he wants he wants to try at
Speaker 1: this point, like I want to. I'm telling you this
Speaker 1: because that's another reason why I thought about saying again,
Speaker 1: which because now he's wanting to try and get better.
Speaker 1: But um, I think or would you agree with me,
Speaker 1: that it's best to kind of let him go off
Speaker 1: and do his own thing and and see what if
Speaker 1: it comes back around. So let me ask you this,
Speaker 1: for you and who you are and what you want
Speaker 1: to feel and how you want to be, is it
Speaker 1: best to stick around and see how therapy turns out
Speaker 1: for him? Or is it best for you to go
Speaker 1: off and maybe see if it comes back around. Probably
Speaker 1: best that I go off. The reason I'm asking you
Speaker 1: these questions is because I get a sense that you know,
Speaker 1: but you're afraid. I get a sense that you know,
Speaker 1: and that you are willing to diminish yourself by acting
Speaker 1: like you don't know. I I put everyone else before
Speaker 1: what YE know. He's feelings and how he would feel
Speaker 1: and how he's going to take it is probably over
Speaker 1: my feelings. And yeah, that's a problem. But yeah, here's
Speaker 1: something that you that you may want to consider. And
Speaker 1: this is going to sound very strange. See, the most
Speaker 1: powerful thing that you have going for you is your choice.
Speaker 1: Choice is your power. Now you can make a fear
Speaker 1: based choice, you can make the choice of least resistance.
Speaker 1: You can make a powerful choice. You can make a
Speaker 1: self serve supportive, self loving choice. Those are all different
Speaker 1: kinds of choices that you make. And what happens very
Speaker 1: often is that we traumatize ourselves by what we think
Speaker 1: will happen as an outcome of our choices, and then
Speaker 1: we just don't choose. But by not choosing, you're making
Speaker 1: a choice. So you're not making a choice for the
Speaker 1: relationship you're making a choice for you. Can you hear
Speaker 1: what I'm saying? I absolutely do. Yeah, that's a lot
Speaker 1: that's that was needed. And you're so right because when
Speaker 1: you know, you know, I know, and I'm aware of
Speaker 1: these things, but kind of hard to pull the trigger
Speaker 1: in it. You go back and forth, so sometimes you
Speaker 1: just kind of you didn't look at it in a
Speaker 1: different way. Oh are you are you happy in this relationship? Yes?
Speaker 1: Or no? No? Okay? Are you peaceful in this relationship?
Speaker 1: Are you fulfilled in this relationship? Are you sexually satisfied
Speaker 1: in this relationship that I am? Oh? Okay, So we
Speaker 1: got one thing. This is an important question. If you're
Speaker 1: sexually satisfied, why aren't you fulfilled and peaceful? Why are
Speaker 1: you giving yourself or sharing yourself with someone that doesn't
Speaker 1: fulfill you and someone that you're not at peace with
Speaker 1: could just fulfilled for that one area, that the intimacy part,
Speaker 1: But it's not fulfilled mine. It doesn't fulfil me as
Speaker 1: a person. So yeah, let me just say this to you.
Speaker 1: The madam will lie to you. She'll lie, she'll say,
Speaker 1: Oh it's good, you can do it for a little while, glad,
Speaker 1: just one more time, come on. It's good God. The
Speaker 1: madam will lie to you, so you have to tell
Speaker 1: her shut the hell up, because when you get up
Speaker 1: from here, you got a whole bunch of other stuff
Speaker 1: that you don't want to deal with. Shut the matter up,
Speaker 1: shut up. He will lie to you. Okay, she'll tell you.
Speaker 1: Oh you can, you can do it, goad, It's all right,
Speaker 1: just for this is one more time. Come on, come on,
Speaker 1: see it ain't that bad. And then you get up
Speaker 1: and you're like, what in the blazing but Jesus am
Speaker 1: I doing in this mess? Yeah? Yeah, shut her up?
Speaker 1: And the cycles continue, and then you're blinded to all
Speaker 1: the other things for just a little bit. Yeah, the
Speaker 1: same cycle. Not you are I am on it. I am, yeah,
Speaker 1: I am. Thank you for that. I am blinded to that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but I won't see things clearly there. I'm giving them
Speaker 1: hope and excuses all over again. And yeah, because the
Speaker 1: madam is lying, do you she's lying. She's a liar.
Speaker 1: Oh ma, thank you so much for that point. I
Speaker 1: don't remember anything else about this. Listen. It takes very
Speaker 1: little to make her happy, very little to make her happy. Okay,
Speaker 1: a little, a little whatever, you know so much more
Speaker 1: to me than that. Mmmm. And if I chose to, yeah,
Speaker 1: just alve this relationship and the greeting process and the
Speaker 1: you know, the grieving process. Well, why does it have
Speaker 1: to be a breathing process? Why why can't it be?
Speaker 1: This is gonna be hurt. It's gonna hurt me. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be very hurt. So what I never heard nobody
Speaker 1: cry theirself to death? No, no. But then one day
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, it's a change. Yeah, it's a roller coast. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm okay today, But tomorrow I'm and be hurting this.
Speaker 1: It's gonna be tough for me. I keep doing the
Speaker 1: same thing, so I'm gonna need it in the next day.
Speaker 1: I want to go back, you know that whole up
Speaker 1: and down. Let me let me just say this to you.
Speaker 1: This is gonna sound weird. I love bread. Bread is
Speaker 1: my friend. I love to smell it. I love to
Speaker 1: heat it up and slop all pounds of butter on it.
Speaker 1: I love love, blah blah blah blah blah bread. I
Speaker 1: love it. Do you hear me? I walk a country
Speaker 1: mouth for a p it's a hot bread. But back
Speaker 1: in twenty sixteen, I had a rupture in my colon,
Speaker 1: and they took out a piece of my colon and
Speaker 1: they put me back together and left me with this
Speaker 1: horrible scar on my belly. But I came home and
Speaker 1: I was like forty pounds thinner, and I said, I
Speaker 1: know it, I'll do. I'll eat bread. So I ate
Speaker 1: some bread, and that thing, girl, it took me down
Speaker 1: to my knees. I was speaking in tongue and casting
Speaker 1: out demons because that bread. So a few days later
Speaker 1: I had some more bread. Same thing happened. I let
Speaker 1: a few weeks go by, and I said, okay, let
Speaker 1: me let me have I mean, a sandwich, a barn roll.
Speaker 1: I can't do it. And finally I had to say
Speaker 1: to myself, Yamla, you love bread. Bread is your friend,
Speaker 1: but it's just not good for you. And in that moment,
Speaker 1: I had to make the choice, am I gonna spend
Speaker 1: days on my knees casting out demons and speaking in
Speaker 1: tongues because I love bread? Or am I gonna let
Speaker 1: the bread go? So when I go to a restaurant
Speaker 1: and they put it on the table, I have to say, y'amla,
Speaker 1: that's not good for you. Now go on and eat it.
Speaker 1: If you want to, but it's not good for you.
Speaker 1: You love it, but it's not good for you, And
Speaker 1: sometimes you just have to do that. You have to
Speaker 1: train yourself to say, you know, I love this. It
Speaker 1: gives me this or that, or it's comfortable, it's familiar,
Speaker 1: it's it's easy, but it's not good for me, and
Speaker 1: then you govern yourself accordingly. Now every now and then,
Speaker 1: I wi have a piece of bread, I have a sandwich,
Speaker 1: but I've learned to take my papaya enzymes first so
Speaker 1: I don't have to fall all the way on my knees.
Speaker 1: I only have to go halfway, right, Can you hear me?
Speaker 1: You may love him, but it's not good for you
Speaker 1: right now, and you don't have to leave today. Make
Speaker 1: your exit strategy, because the truth is you can't leave
Speaker 1: until you can stay. You really can't leave until you
Speaker 1: can stay. Until you can stay in the discomfort, stay
Speaker 1: in the dysfunction, stay in the unhappiness without judging it
Speaker 1: or making him wrong. Don't make him wrong. It's just
Speaker 1: not good for you. And you are the only one
Speaker 1: who gets to say what goes on in your life. Yes, ma'am,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for that. I really needed to
Speaker 1: come and take your time, don't rush yourself, and again,
Speaker 1: choose for you. Make a choice, not a decision, and
Speaker 1: don't make him wrong in the process. Don't make him wrong.
Speaker 1: It's just not I can't make bread wrong. Bread is wonderful,
Speaker 1: all kinds of bread, hot bread, white bread, brown bread,
Speaker 1: Italian bread, French bread. I can't make bread wrong. It's
Speaker 1: just not good for me. Okay, tell me what you
Speaker 1: know now that you didn't know when you call me today.
Speaker 1: I'm not fulfilled in a relationship. So yeah, I know
Speaker 1: a lot more than I knew before I call. I'm
Speaker 1: and the madam is always hernaged a little bit either.
Speaker 1: They're not listening to Yeah, she's a liar. You are
Speaker 1: gonna be just fine. Take your time, take your time.
Speaker 1: Eight years is a long time, and don't think that
Speaker 1: you waste the time. You've grown, you've learned, And right
Speaker 1: out of your mouth, you said to me, we're not
Speaker 1: the same people, so dare to be different and let
Speaker 1: me know how you make out. Okay, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: I appreciate you. Thank you, thank you you to my love.
Speaker 1: Bye bye. You know, sometimes it's it's not easy to
Speaker 1: talk about some realities in life. And one of the
Speaker 1: realities it's hard for me to talk about with women
Speaker 1: is how the madam will lie to you should a liar. Now,
Speaker 1: if you want to stay, you've got to be willing
Speaker 1: to fight, but you got to know how to fight.
Speaker 1: Fight isn't doing war and doing battle. Fight is standing
Speaker 1: up for yourself within yourself and setting some real clear
Speaker 1: parameters and boundaries and require firements in the relationship. And
Speaker 1: one of the reasons it's hard for us to leave
Speaker 1: a relationship is because we don't know what our deal
Speaker 1: breakers are. There's some things that you just gotta know
Speaker 1: you're not gonna put up with. And if that deal
Speaker 1: gets broken, there has to be a consequence, and that
Speaker 1: consequence may be leaving and maybe staying under different circumstances
Speaker 1: of situations. But it ain't gonna be easy, but it
Speaker 1: can be done. I hope this has been helpful to someone,
Speaker 1: And if you have a question about this or any
Speaker 1: other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven
Speaker 1: seven five three zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now
Speaker 1: be sure to follow me on social media for all
Speaker 1: of the calling times and until then, stay in peace
Speaker 1: not peace. The r Spot is a production of Shondaland
Speaker 1: Audio in partnership with I heart Radio. For more podcasts
Speaker 1: from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or
Speaker 1: wherever you listen to your favorite shows.