1 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:08,760 Speaker 1: I Ami Amlah. I had a baby daddy relationship. I 2 00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:11,840 Speaker 1: spent time in a relationship with a married man. I 3 00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: had to learn the skills and tools required to make 4 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:20,960 Speaker 1: my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the Our Spot, 5 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:38,960 Speaker 1: a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Listen. 6 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:44,519 Speaker 1: Leaving isn't easy. I just want you to know that 7 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:51,639 Speaker 1: leaving a relationship isn't easy. Maybe maybe I had mentioned 8 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:56,120 Speaker 1: once before, I just want to say again that leaving 9 00:00:56,640 --> 00:01:01,280 Speaker 1: a relationship, a loving, intimate relationship, it's not an easy 10 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:04,640 Speaker 1: thing to do. It's not easy on any level, in 11 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:08,520 Speaker 1: leaving any kind of relationship, but loveship or familyship or friendship, 12 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:12,520 Speaker 1: it's not easy. But there are those times and situations 13 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:18,240 Speaker 1: when it's absolutely necessary. But there's a process and there's 14 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:20,840 Speaker 1: a way to do it. Sometimes you can't leave a 15 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:25,360 Speaker 1: relationship right away. Sometimes you have to leave in stages. 16 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:31,399 Speaker 1: I've mastered the art of leaving in stages, okay, and 17 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:36,640 Speaker 1: you must understand your reasons for doing it. Leaving isn't easy, 18 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:42,720 Speaker 1: but it can be done. Greetings beloved, Welcome to the 19 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:46,080 Speaker 1: Our Spot and how may I support you today? What 20 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:50,040 Speaker 1: is your relationship challenge the Lemma issue. First, I'd like 21 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:52,279 Speaker 1: to say thank you for sharing your talents with me today. 22 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:55,440 Speaker 1: I really appreciate you taking my call. Well, I appreciate 23 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:59,120 Speaker 1: you calling, I said. The issue that I'm having today 24 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:04,480 Speaker 1: is if marital issues with myself and my husband. We've 25 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:08,359 Speaker 1: been married eighteen years now. We have two beautiful children 26 00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:12,800 Speaker 1: through adoption. It was a very long road to become parents, 27 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:17,560 Speaker 1: and I thought all was well in our world until 28 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:21,799 Speaker 1: about five years ago when he developed an emotional relationship 29 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:24,720 Speaker 1: with a coworker. It happened to be during a very 30 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:27,359 Speaker 1: stressful time in our life. My daughter was diagnosed to 31 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:32,720 Speaker 1: some neurological differences, and I was very stressed out with work, 32 00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:37,079 Speaker 1: and so we just became disconnected and he found comfort 33 00:02:37,919 --> 00:02:42,520 Speaker 1: in the companionship with another woman. I don't believe that 34 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:46,200 Speaker 1: there was a physical affair, but they were coworkers, so 35 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:49,160 Speaker 1: I don't know that for sure. I thought we had 36 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:51,520 Speaker 1: moved on from that, and then I had forgiven him 37 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:54,079 Speaker 1: and we were working on a relationship when two months 38 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:58,240 Speaker 1: ago I found out that he was communicating with a 39 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:06,040 Speaker 1: woman who he'd connected with over Instagram and sending um 40 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:09,120 Speaker 1: photos and videos back and forth. For a short period 41 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:13,680 Speaker 1: of time before I found them. And so today I'm 42 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:17,160 Speaker 1: very much struggling with what to do from this point forward, 43 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:20,639 Speaker 1: knowing that we have two beautiful children that I love dearly. 44 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:25,400 Speaker 1: I do love my husband. He has been different this 45 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:28,880 Speaker 1: time around in that he's, you know, he's he's promising 46 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:34,400 Speaker 1: to work on us and putting us first and repairing 47 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:38,360 Speaker 1: the relationship. Um, he's decided to go to counseling to 48 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:41,720 Speaker 1: find out, you know, the root cause of his insecurities 49 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:44,080 Speaker 1: and things, and and I do see a lot of 50 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:47,280 Speaker 1: effort on his apart my fears that I don't I 51 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:50,040 Speaker 1: don't really know what my heart wants at this point, 52 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:55,120 Speaker 1: whether that's move on or um, continue in the relationship 53 00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,720 Speaker 1: and try to make it work. I feel like I 54 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:00,680 Speaker 1: owe that to our kids. But at the same time, UM, 55 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:02,600 Speaker 1: you know, this is kind of the second time that 56 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:08,720 Speaker 1: that I've really done just hurt so sadly. UM, and 57 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:12,600 Speaker 1: I'm not sure if I can move on from that. Okay, 58 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:18,000 Speaker 1: lots going on. Hey, yeah, yeah, So a couple of 59 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:21,400 Speaker 1: things I heard you say. Is it that you don't 60 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:27,680 Speaker 1: know what your heart wants or you're scared, afraid, hesitant 61 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:30,440 Speaker 1: to say what your heart warts. I think it's a 62 00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:33,840 Speaker 1: combination of both. Um. I think I think I'm very 63 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:38,880 Speaker 1: much afraid of all that I'll lose in dissolving our marriage, 64 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:44,640 Speaker 1: such as UM, you know, family, stended family. After being 65 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:49,920 Speaker 1: married for nineteen years now, I love his family dearly. 66 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:53,880 Speaker 1: They've They've become as close to me as my own. Um. 67 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,920 Speaker 1: His parents are the type of parents that I would 68 00:04:56,960 --> 00:05:01,480 Speaker 1: have always wanted. Um, My relationship with my own parents' 69 00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,600 Speaker 1: is a little bit more strained. But he also is 70 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:06,800 Speaker 1: a good father, and if you're not married to him, 71 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,800 Speaker 1: he'll stop being a good father. No. No, I don't 72 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:12,400 Speaker 1: think you could stop being a good father. And if 73 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:15,360 Speaker 1: you're not married to him, you can't have a relationship 74 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:18,520 Speaker 1: with his parents. I think they would choose him over 75 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:21,680 Speaker 1: a relationship with me. I think they would think that 76 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:26,839 Speaker 1: that keeping ties with me might be not fair to him. 77 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:31,279 Speaker 1: Are you a college graduate? I am. Did you take 78 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:34,440 Speaker 1: psychic one on one in college? Oh? You didn't take 79 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:36,919 Speaker 1: psychic one on one to be able to see what 80 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:41,719 Speaker 1: other people are thinking? No? No? Oh, okay, because you 81 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,599 Speaker 1: seem to be so focused on what other people will 82 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:48,200 Speaker 1: think as opposed to asking questions. Yeah, I guess the 83 00:05:48,279 --> 00:05:51,200 Speaker 1: reason my thoughts were on that end, is that they 84 00:05:51,279 --> 00:05:53,240 Speaker 1: never reached out to me after they found the house 85 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:57,479 Speaker 1: the first time around, and I wasn't their business, wasn't 86 00:05:57,839 --> 00:06:00,920 Speaker 1: wasn't their business? No, that's true. They can't be up 87 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:04,160 Speaker 1: in your marriage. Did you reach out to them? No, 88 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:09,880 Speaker 1: So you wanted them to come uninvited and unasked into 89 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:14,200 Speaker 1: your marriage. Yeah? And what did you want them to 90 00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:17,080 Speaker 1: do when they got in the marriage. I guess I 91 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:19,280 Speaker 1: just wanted them to know that they were there for me, 92 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,320 Speaker 1: or that they would let me know that they were 93 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:24,479 Speaker 1: there for me regardless of what happened. Well, you don't 94 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:27,640 Speaker 1: know that they weren't because you didn't go as a 95 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:32,279 Speaker 1: woman to another elder woman woman his mother and say, look, 96 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:36,240 Speaker 1: I'm having this challenge with my husband, not with your son, 97 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:42,279 Speaker 1: but I'm having this challenge with my husband. Okay, So 98 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:45,440 Speaker 1: I want to ask you this question again. Is it 99 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:49,200 Speaker 1: that you don't know what your heart wants? Or is 100 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:52,440 Speaker 1: it that you're afraid to look at what your heart 101 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:58,120 Speaker 1: wants because you're looking at the negative possibilities? What does 102 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:02,000 Speaker 1: your heart want? And ask you what can you make happen? 103 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:08,080 Speaker 1: But what does your heart want? Honestly? Yeah? Yeah, honestly, 104 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:13,480 Speaker 1: no lie to me. I wish I could go back 105 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:17,760 Speaker 1: in time to wear before the heart ache. And what 106 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:22,400 Speaker 1: exactly is the heart ache and the broken trust? Yeah? 107 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:30,280 Speaker 1: Seeking seeking companionship and friendship and emotional connection with someone 108 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:33,360 Speaker 1: other than me. What does the story you tell yourself 109 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:37,520 Speaker 1: about why he did that that wasn't enough? Yes? And 110 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:41,160 Speaker 1: how old is that message in your brain? How old 111 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,200 Speaker 1: is I'm not enough? When was the first time you 112 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:51,120 Speaker 1: thought that? Oh gosh, childhood? Yeah? Yeah, this goes way back. 113 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:57,080 Speaker 1: So this is what I'm hearing you say. And if 114 00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:00,360 Speaker 1: any of this doesn't land for you, just tell me 115 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:03,800 Speaker 1: and will pick it apart. Hearing you say that you 116 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:06,000 Speaker 1: were married, that you've been married to a man that 117 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:12,240 Speaker 1: you love, and in your time of mothering attending to 118 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:16,040 Speaker 1: your daughter in addition to work, in addition to your 119 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:20,440 Speaker 1: own brushing your teeth and combing your hair, your husband 120 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:27,320 Speaker 1: developed an emotional relationship with a woman. You're in dilemma 121 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,880 Speaker 1: as to whether you can trust the man you love, 122 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:36,679 Speaker 1: who's betrayed you twice, who's violated your trust twice. However, 123 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:40,440 Speaker 1: competing with that is your fear of dissolving your marriage 124 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:44,160 Speaker 1: and what that would mean to you. To your children, 125 00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:47,520 Speaker 1: what that would mean in terms of your relationships with 126 00:08:47,559 --> 00:08:54,160 Speaker 1: his family and under that you haven't really checked in 127 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:59,080 Speaker 1: with yourself to know what your heart wants, other than 128 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:00,840 Speaker 1: to go back in time time, which you know you 129 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:04,800 Speaker 1: can't do. I want to offer you that what you 130 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:07,280 Speaker 1: wanted your husband to get his stuff together and stop 131 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:10,920 Speaker 1: this foolishness running around with other women, that's what you 132 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:17,120 Speaker 1: really want. Would that be accurate? Absolutely? Oh? So why 133 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:22,040 Speaker 1: can't you say that? So? I wonder what else you 134 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:25,280 Speaker 1: don't say in your marriage from the fear and the 135 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:29,520 Speaker 1: belief that you're not enough. We'll talk about that right 136 00:09:29,559 --> 00:09:40,280 Speaker 1: after this break. Welcome back to the OAR spot. Let's 137 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:43,520 Speaker 1: get back to the conversation. I want to know how 138 00:09:43,559 --> 00:09:47,800 Speaker 1: you knew, how you found out about both the emotional 139 00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:51,880 Speaker 1: relationship and the online relationship. How did you find that out? 140 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:56,240 Speaker 1: The first time? It was seeing his account on our 141 00:09:56,240 --> 00:10:01,160 Speaker 1: shared electronic device and encountering the mess where he's professing 142 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:05,480 Speaker 1: his love to the person that this only circumstances were different, 143 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:10,000 Speaker 1: That you know that they could be together, but understanding 144 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:12,920 Speaker 1: why they couldn't, and that they would need to part ways, 145 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:15,880 Speaker 1: but that he would forever love her, and that made 146 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:19,280 Speaker 1: you feel? What did he hear? Your husband for professing 147 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:25,719 Speaker 1: his love for another woman made you feel? What? This 148 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:31,640 Speaker 1: completely utterly abandoned and rejected and as though I didn't 149 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:35,680 Speaker 1: matter in our relationship at all. And when you confronted 150 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:40,760 Speaker 1: him or confronted him about it, what did he say? Oh? 151 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,480 Speaker 1: He tried to tell me that it meant absolutely nothing, 152 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:51,920 Speaker 1: and of course I did not believe him. And how 153 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:55,000 Speaker 1: did you heal that? How did you heal that betrayal, 154 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:58,440 Speaker 1: that violation of trust, that broken commitment? How did you 155 00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:01,480 Speaker 1: heal that? I tried to work on myself. I tried 156 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:08,640 Speaker 1: to um, I took up taekwondo, UM, I started being 157 00:11:08,679 --> 00:11:14,079 Speaker 1: a therapist. I really tried to focus on me. Um obviously, 158 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:17,360 Speaker 1: you know, having thought that that my issues and my 159 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:20,880 Speaker 1: depression during that time, but that I was the problem 160 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:24,040 Speaker 1: and the the reason why he had disconnected. Okay, and then 161 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:28,400 Speaker 1: in the second how far apart were these instances the 162 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:35,199 Speaker 1: first emotional relationship? And yeah, approximately five years? Okay, five years? 163 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:40,679 Speaker 1: Please got the five years itch we had that happened 164 00:11:40,679 --> 00:11:43,640 Speaker 1: to be up north with with friends of ours, the 165 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:48,000 Speaker 1: kids play in a lake, and um and came upon it, 166 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:54,080 Speaker 1: by surprise, came upon what um the well Uh, I'd 167 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:56,240 Speaker 1: asked to borrow a stone and he made sure to 168 00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,840 Speaker 1: um close out all the apps before handing it to 169 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:04,680 Speaker 1: which brought on suspicion on my part. And so then 170 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:09,520 Speaker 1: I did go looking through the text messages to find something, 171 00:12:09,679 --> 00:12:14,160 Speaker 1: some sort of indication of what why why he seems 172 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:17,439 Speaker 1: so suspicient before, you know, before handing over the phone. 173 00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:19,720 Speaker 1: And then I had found a text from an unknown 174 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:24,120 Speaker 1: number saying, UM, you know, let's chat over WhatsApp. And 175 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:27,640 Speaker 1: when I found the WhatsApp apps, then I found them 176 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:30,120 Speaker 1: the dialogue and it had only been going on for 177 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:34,240 Speaker 1: about a week, but um, that time was enough to 178 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:39,840 Speaker 1: share some you know, not so um clean material and 179 00:12:40,679 --> 00:12:44,319 Speaker 1: um again you know, just was crushed. So you are 180 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:50,600 Speaker 1: married to a man who you're disconnected from emotionally. I 181 00:12:50,679 --> 00:12:54,440 Speaker 1: guess you're married to a man who's betrayed you to us. 182 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:58,680 Speaker 1: You're married to a man who's violated his commitment to 183 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:02,720 Speaker 1: his vows, married to a man who disrespects and dishonors 184 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:07,360 Speaker 1: himself because he's sneaking around with other woman. Women doesn't 185 00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:10,560 Speaker 1: have anything to do with you. It's about him. You're 186 00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:14,680 Speaker 1: married to a man who doesn't have integrity. You're married 187 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:20,880 Speaker 1: to a man who is emotionally dishonest. Never mind what 188 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,640 Speaker 1: he's done to you, Look at what he's done to 189 00:13:22,679 --> 00:13:25,680 Speaker 1: these other two women, those women. So this is the 190 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:28,800 Speaker 1: man you want to stay married to? Is that what 191 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:33,079 Speaker 1: I'm hearing you say? I don't know? Yeah, you do know. 192 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:37,920 Speaker 1: Stop saying you don't know. You absolutely do know. It's 193 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:42,240 Speaker 1: just that hearing it is a little shocking and horrifying. Yeah, 194 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:45,600 Speaker 1: do you want to stay mad? See? See, here's the thing. Beloving. 195 00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:52,439 Speaker 1: Love is durable. Love is like teflon on iron. It 196 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:57,400 Speaker 1: can endure, and it can be patient, and it can forgive, 197 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:03,040 Speaker 1: and it can do all of that never fails. It's 198 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:10,480 Speaker 1: trust that's fragile. And once trust is broken, it taints everything. 199 00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:15,600 Speaker 1: And sometimes because we love, we love out a habit 200 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:18,360 Speaker 1: we think we are supposed to love or have to 201 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:22,760 Speaker 1: love and do love no matter what. The question becomes, 202 00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:25,320 Speaker 1: do you want to remain married to a man you 203 00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:28,760 Speaker 1: cannot trust and a man who triggers up your core 204 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:33,800 Speaker 1: belief that you're not enough? No, and you can heal 205 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:36,840 Speaker 1: up I'm not enough. You can do the work and 206 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,920 Speaker 1: you can uncover that, and you can heal that up. 207 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,000 Speaker 1: That's not going to repair the trust between you and 208 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:47,840 Speaker 1: a man who has no integrity, who is emotionally dishonest, 209 00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:55,280 Speaker 1: who doesn't honor commitments, who's betrayed your trust. You healing 210 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:57,840 Speaker 1: your issue is not going to change that. So the 211 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,640 Speaker 1: question becomes, do you want to stay married to a 212 00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:03,680 Speaker 1: man who behaves that way? And do you trust that 213 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:07,000 Speaker 1: he'll get his stuff together? Because if you do, go 214 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:10,600 Speaker 1: to counseling, get it handled and figure it out step 215 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,920 Speaker 1: by step. But it's going to start with you being 216 00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:18,280 Speaker 1: honest with yourself about what the soup is that you're making. 217 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,760 Speaker 1: Because this is a soup. You got all kinds of 218 00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:24,640 Speaker 1: stuff in here, his parents, your parents, you know, the love, 219 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:31,200 Speaker 1: the habits, the attachments, the fears, anger, hurt, rejection, abandon 220 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:39,560 Speaker 1: all of that's in the soup. Yeah, how tasty? Is it? Not? Very? No? 221 00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:46,640 Speaker 1: And I dare to say, and please forgive me if 222 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:49,840 Speaker 1: I'm wrong. I'm willing to be wrong. What was the 223 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:55,760 Speaker 1: consequence of him having this emotional relationship or him doing 224 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:59,440 Speaker 1: it again with somebody else? What was the consequence? I 225 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:05,240 Speaker 1: don't know other than yeah, why should he change? Why 226 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:08,320 Speaker 1: should he change? There's no consequence to his behavior He'll 227 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:10,760 Speaker 1: put up with you moping and poping and fussing and 228 00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:13,760 Speaker 1: cussin or whatever you do, and and cheating him bad, 229 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:16,760 Speaker 1: putting him in a box by the stove for sixty days. 230 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:20,720 Speaker 1: You can't see your naked for another thirty and then 231 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:23,040 Speaker 1: you go right back to the same thing. So the 232 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:26,760 Speaker 1: question becomes, do you want to fight for this marriage 233 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:35,600 Speaker 1: with some real clear intentions and consequences, or do you 234 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:37,440 Speaker 1: want to keep sucking on this a bit of soup. 235 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,760 Speaker 1: I don't want to be I don't want to be 236 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:45,680 Speaker 1: heartbroken again. I don't I don't want to him in 237 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:51,080 Speaker 1: mistrust and living fear. You know. But you know, maybe 238 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:54,200 Speaker 1: here from now, two years, three years, five years from now, 239 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:56,520 Speaker 1: you know that I end up in the same exact 240 00:16:56,520 --> 00:17:01,000 Speaker 1: place I am today. Have you told him that that 241 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:05,000 Speaker 1: I have? And what has his response been? He says 242 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:09,080 Speaker 1: he takes every day one day at a time, focused 243 00:17:09,119 --> 00:17:12,359 Speaker 1: on the right things. He brought himself a bracelet that 244 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:16,159 Speaker 1: says commitment on it. Did he buy you one? No, 245 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:23,760 Speaker 1: he brought himself. Y'all should be wearing the same bracelet. Um. 246 00:17:24,119 --> 00:17:25,719 Speaker 1: So he said he was just going to take it 247 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:29,760 Speaker 1: day by day, focusing on the right things. And making 248 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:34,840 Speaker 1: intentions to prove to me just how much I matter 249 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:38,439 Speaker 1: to him and how much he wants me in his life. Um, 250 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,280 Speaker 1: but it's only been a few months, and my concern 251 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:44,960 Speaker 1: is that over time, but that's you know, that's that'll 252 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,800 Speaker 1: fall by the wayside, and you know, five years from 253 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:51,679 Speaker 1: now we're left. You know, the things get back to 254 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:55,480 Speaker 1: the old normal. It may it may not, but you've 255 00:17:55,520 --> 00:18:00,040 Speaker 1: given him all the power. What do you want? I 256 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,840 Speaker 1: think that's the first question I asked you, what do 257 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:06,000 Speaker 1: you want? See? When I was married, there are two 258 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,680 Speaker 1: things that I didn't do. I put up with a lot. 259 00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:12,880 Speaker 1: I stayed in a marriage of domestic violence for nine years. 260 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:17,560 Speaker 1: Nine years I put up with that. The two things 261 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:21,520 Speaker 1: that you know just turned me into a Tasmanian devil. 262 00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:26,640 Speaker 1: One is cheating and one is messing with my money. 263 00:18:27,119 --> 00:18:29,359 Speaker 1: Do not mess with my money. I don't play that. 264 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,840 Speaker 1: I don't care who you are. I'm going, I'm out. 265 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:37,840 Speaker 1: I'm out. And unfortunately, so very often in marriages, we 266 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:41,120 Speaker 1: go into these marriages and we don't have a deal breaker. 267 00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:45,040 Speaker 1: And when I counsel people into marriage, I set up 268 00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:48,560 Speaker 1: the deal breaker up front, because then there's no more 269 00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:52,320 Speaker 1: conversation this is the deal breaker. You break this deal, 270 00:18:52,359 --> 00:18:55,440 Speaker 1: I'm out. I don't care if it's ten years, twenty two, 271 00:18:55,840 --> 00:19:00,000 Speaker 1: eighty six. This is the deal breaker. So my question 272 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:03,600 Speaker 1: to you would be, what is your deal breaker? It's 273 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:06,880 Speaker 1: not a man who lies, because he's lied to you 274 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:10,040 Speaker 1: and you're there. It's not a man who lives honorably 275 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:14,679 Speaker 1: and with integrity because he's shown you that that's not 276 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:18,120 Speaker 1: who he is. And yes, people make mistakes, and yes 277 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:22,840 Speaker 1: people can change, but what is your role and responsibility 278 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:26,560 Speaker 1: towards yourself in the process. Then he's done this and 279 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:31,399 Speaker 1: there's no consequences, so why should he change? So you 280 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:35,280 Speaker 1: know you're so worried about what you're gonna lose, imagine 281 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:38,640 Speaker 1: what you're gonna gain. And I am not at all 282 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:42,359 Speaker 1: counseling you out of your marriage and the fact I 283 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:45,439 Speaker 1: want to support you in learning how to stay. But 284 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:48,119 Speaker 1: you gotta have a deal breaker, and that's got to 285 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:51,399 Speaker 1: be clear to you. You have to know what it is, 286 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,000 Speaker 1: and you have to know why it is. You have 287 00:19:54,119 --> 00:19:58,520 Speaker 1: to communicate it to him with a clear consequence for 288 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:02,400 Speaker 1: breaking the deal, because if you don't do that, it's 289 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:05,880 Speaker 1: like if you don't have strong boundaries and strong walls. 290 00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:09,960 Speaker 1: You know, any old thing passing by can just drop in. 291 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:16,520 Speaker 1: Sometimes when we face a life altering change, we dismiss it, 292 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:19,880 Speaker 1: or deny it or resist it because we don't know 293 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:25,320 Speaker 1: that we're enough to handle it. Are you enough for you? 294 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:29,120 Speaker 1: With him or without him? Are you enough for you? 295 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:33,720 Speaker 1: I need to work on that. Yeah. I need to 296 00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:41,480 Speaker 1: share my strength. I need to establish clear boundaries and 297 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:46,400 Speaker 1: communicate them. You might want to tell him that, Okay, 298 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:50,119 Speaker 1: you broke my heart and I don't trust you, and 299 00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:59,879 Speaker 1: you didn't buy me a commitment bracelet fool. So what 300 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:03,159 Speaker 1: are you actually committed to? Your risk? Is that what 301 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:05,960 Speaker 1: you committed to? Because obviously you ain't committed to me. 302 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:12,200 Speaker 1: I'm glad you can laugh, because you know you gotta 303 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:16,439 Speaker 1: find a humor into somebody's name. He's committed to his wrist. 304 00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:20,960 Speaker 1: He ain't committed to you. Yeah, So what, my beloved, 305 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:24,399 Speaker 1: do you want to do? I need to prove that 306 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:26,720 Speaker 1: I am strong. I need to prove to myself that 307 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:32,919 Speaker 1: I am powerful, not prove. Believe, not prove, because in 308 00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:37,000 Speaker 1: order to get proof, you need external validation. You need 309 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:40,000 Speaker 1: to believe that you are strong. You need to believe 310 00:21:40,119 --> 00:21:42,639 Speaker 1: that you are enough. You need to believe that you 311 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:47,679 Speaker 1: are powerful. Okay, and stop lying to yourself saying you 312 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:50,119 Speaker 1: don't know what you want. You absolutely do know what 313 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,600 Speaker 1: you want. You want your marriage to work, but you 314 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:56,000 Speaker 1: want your marriage to work with integrity and with honor 315 00:21:56,240 --> 00:22:00,879 Speaker 1: and with respect and with love and with gentleness and kindness. 316 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:03,200 Speaker 1: And if you can get laid every now and then 317 00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,480 Speaker 1: that'll be good too. You don't want to be in 318 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:09,200 Speaker 1: a marriage with a man who's sending his pictures to 319 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:12,320 Speaker 1: his We needed somebody on them. What app Oh no, 320 00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:23,640 Speaker 1: what's your What the hell I want? And you can 321 00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:26,800 Speaker 1: let him know. I'm willing to fight for this marriage, 322 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:28,840 Speaker 1: but I'm not willing to fight for the marriage to 323 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:32,359 Speaker 1: a man who has no integrity and who dishonors himself, 324 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:36,560 Speaker 1: because you can't honor me if you're dishonoring yourself. And 325 00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:40,199 Speaker 1: if you're not willing to fight like that, you know, 326 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:44,000 Speaker 1: and I say fight, meaning you know, stand up for 327 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:47,360 Speaker 1: your marriage. If you're not willing to fight like that, 328 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:50,720 Speaker 1: then make your exit plan. You don't have to leave tomorrow, 329 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:53,440 Speaker 1: but that's what I would do. I'm from Brooklyn. I 330 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:59,240 Speaker 1: don't know where you live. The Midwest. Oh yeah, that's 331 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:07,560 Speaker 1: what's wrong with that's what's wrong with you. You out 332 00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:13,160 Speaker 1: there at La La Land are from the hard, cold city. Baby. 333 00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:17,439 Speaker 1: Wait a minute, and here's what I want you to know. 334 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:22,320 Speaker 1: It's okay that you've been there. It's okay. It's okay 335 00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:27,080 Speaker 1: that you've been sad and hurt and embarrassed and afraid. 336 00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:31,920 Speaker 1: That's okay. Just don't buy real estate there. Okay, you're 337 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:36,040 Speaker 1: gonna be just fine. Stay in touch with your heart. Okay, 338 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:41,040 Speaker 1: that's quiet time, listening, journaling, ask her what she knows 339 00:23:41,119 --> 00:23:45,040 Speaker 1: to be true. Get clear about your deal breakers and 340 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:48,920 Speaker 1: what the consequence of each one of them is. Get 341 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:53,880 Speaker 1: clear about that and be willing to enact your consequences 342 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:57,800 Speaker 1: as a sign of respect that you can trust yourself 343 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:03,439 Speaker 1: and take your power back from him. Take your power back, okay, 344 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:08,680 Speaker 1: and knowing that you are enough, you'll be good either 345 00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:11,920 Speaker 1: way it goes you let me know, okay. I will 346 00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:14,760 Speaker 1: thank you, ma'am. Okay, all right, my love, have a 347 00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:19,119 Speaker 1: blessed day. All right, God bless you always, except thank you, 348 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:28,480 Speaker 1: bye bye. Leaving a relationship is not the same as 349 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:34,359 Speaker 1: leaving because this or that happened. Leaving a relationship is 350 00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:38,359 Speaker 1: always a choice. It's a choice to do what's best 351 00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:43,480 Speaker 1: and right for you. Because staying in a relationship because 352 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:46,720 Speaker 1: of what the other person may or may not do. 353 00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:50,159 Speaker 1: Leaving a relationship because of what a person has or 354 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:55,639 Speaker 1: has not done, that's never gonna work. Staying or leaving 355 00:24:56,520 --> 00:25:01,640 Speaker 1: has to be the right choice for you because you 356 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:05,960 Speaker 1: are the only one who gets to say what goes 357 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:09,560 Speaker 1: on in your life after the break. Will come back 358 00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:13,480 Speaker 1: with my second caller, who has a similar issue, but 359 00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:25,240 Speaker 1: for a very different reason. Welcome back. I am y'all 360 00:25:25,359 --> 00:25:30,080 Speaker 1: len this is the our spot. Usually when people ask 361 00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:34,520 Speaker 1: me should I leave? I sense that they know they should, 362 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:39,160 Speaker 1: They just don't know how. So they stay. They stay 363 00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:42,160 Speaker 1: for a variety of reasons. They stay because it's comfortable 364 00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:45,880 Speaker 1: thet stay before, because it's familiar, They stay because it's 365 00:25:45,880 --> 00:25:49,160 Speaker 1: a habit. They stay because they take the little good 366 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:52,320 Speaker 1: parts and try to blow them up big enough to 367 00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:56,520 Speaker 1: make the relationship work. It's not gonna work. Just listen. 368 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:02,800 Speaker 1: Good to new, my beloved. Thank you for your patience 369 00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:05,440 Speaker 1: and welcome to the our spot. How can I serve 370 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:10,840 Speaker 1: support assists move with you through your relationship dilemma today? 371 00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:13,800 Speaker 1: Thank you for having me. I'm just so blessed with 372 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:18,600 Speaker 1: this opportunity. My question is I've been in a relationship 373 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:23,240 Speaker 1: now for off and on for eight years, and during 374 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:25,960 Speaker 1: the eight years, we've been through a lot. And during 375 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:28,400 Speaker 1: that time, I went to therapy, and I've done any 376 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:30,480 Speaker 1: of management. I've done a few things to try to 377 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:34,159 Speaker 1: better myself. And so I mean, now we're at the 378 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:38,960 Speaker 1: point where we're not the same people anymore, and I 379 00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:43,080 Speaker 1: don't know if it's something that I should continue to 380 00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:47,399 Speaker 1: fight for and pursue or is it something that is 381 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,639 Speaker 1: now time for us to kind of dissolve and go 382 00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:52,800 Speaker 1: our sepul Okay, so let me ask you a question. 383 00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:56,639 Speaker 1: After eight years and all that you've been through, is 384 00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:59,240 Speaker 1: this something that you should pursue or something that you 385 00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:05,159 Speaker 1: should leasing go your separate way. I don't know, absolutely, 386 00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:08,320 Speaker 1: you do know through our relationship, I want to pursue 387 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:13,000 Speaker 1: us being together. I don't want to release it, Okay, 388 00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:16,639 Speaker 1: So stay it. Sometimes staying feels it though it doesn't 389 00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:19,320 Speaker 1: align with who I am, But I know there's no 390 00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:21,879 Speaker 1: one out there it's going to be perfect. So even 391 00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:28,399 Speaker 1: if I release it and move on, I feel steel 392 00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:31,960 Speaker 1: fight with you know, it's gonna be someone else that's 393 00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:34,280 Speaker 1: not gonna be perfect, And how do you just know 394 00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:37,520 Speaker 1: when it's time to fight and to stay. No, it's 395 00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:41,040 Speaker 1: just not perfect. Well, after eight years, if it ain't 396 00:27:41,119 --> 00:27:45,119 Speaker 1: what you want, it's probably time to move on. But 397 00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:50,680 Speaker 1: I didn't know you were pursuing perfection because that's a 398 00:27:51,359 --> 00:27:55,920 Speaker 1: that is a wasted effort. Yeah, it's all perfect. It's 399 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:57,960 Speaker 1: all the way it needs to be for you to 400 00:27:58,080 --> 00:28:00,600 Speaker 1: learn what you need to learn. But you fell in 401 00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:04,280 Speaker 1: love with somebody and you're not that person anymore, and 402 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:10,840 Speaker 1: neither is he that person. So it sounds to me 403 00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:15,560 Speaker 1: like you're staying out of habit familiarity and comfortability. And 404 00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:19,640 Speaker 1: is that what you want? Habit familiar You know? Grandma 405 00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:21,560 Speaker 1: used to say, better the devil you know than the 406 00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:24,560 Speaker 1: one you don't know. I'll go with the one I 407 00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:27,840 Speaker 1: don't know because that might be a little exciting. But 408 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:33,760 Speaker 1: after eight years therapy and anger management, clear acknowledgement that 409 00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:37,119 Speaker 1: you're not who you used to be, what is the 410 00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:45,440 Speaker 1: question this time ago? Yes, you know, here's the question 411 00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:51,360 Speaker 1: Rather than should you go? The real question is why 412 00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:55,120 Speaker 1: would you want to stay? Because that's where the issue is. 413 00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:59,560 Speaker 1: The issue is not in leaving. The issue is what 414 00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:03,760 Speaker 1: am I pursuing here? And can I get it. The 415 00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:06,640 Speaker 1: issue is if I stay, what am I staying in? 416 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:11,120 Speaker 1: Because I heard you say you've been on and off right, 417 00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:15,880 Speaker 1: So rather than looking at the difficulty in leaving, I 418 00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:19,320 Speaker 1: would look at the benefit of staying or the difficulty 419 00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:22,840 Speaker 1: in staying, because that may be where the problem is. 420 00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:27,800 Speaker 1: So if you stay, what are you staying in a 421 00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:33,840 Speaker 1: relationship that's familiar to me? Being in comfort? Yeah, it 422 00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:38,440 Speaker 1: is a lot easier. Oh, it's so familiar. Change's uncomfortable 423 00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:45,520 Speaker 1: and I don't like. Yeah, staying in a relationship that's comfortable, 424 00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:49,920 Speaker 1: staying in a relationship that's familiar, staying in a relationship 425 00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:56,760 Speaker 1: that's easy to accommodate and tolerate the dysfunction or the 426 00:29:57,560 --> 00:30:02,800 Speaker 1: lack of fulfillment or whatever. Um, you know, staying in 427 00:30:02,880 --> 00:30:07,040 Speaker 1: a relationship out of habit, staying in a relationship out 428 00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:10,680 Speaker 1: of fear that you find the same thing somewhere else, 429 00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:14,560 Speaker 1: as opposed to staying in a relationship or getting out 430 00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:17,600 Speaker 1: of a relationship with excitement that now you know what 431 00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:24,520 Speaker 1: you don't want? You know, yeah, and when you have 432 00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:28,280 Speaker 1: it's a blend of family. So you know, my friend 433 00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:31,920 Speaker 1: is a part of this, and I, yeah, I don't 434 00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:34,200 Speaker 1: want to go back and forth, and I don't want 435 00:30:34,240 --> 00:30:36,800 Speaker 1: to stay in it just you know, just because so 436 00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:40,040 Speaker 1: I want to you know, s an example for him 437 00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:43,240 Speaker 1: as well. So it's just it's a lot in it, 438 00:30:43,440 --> 00:30:47,440 Speaker 1: and yeah, I gotta make Yeah, well, you are setting 439 00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:50,200 Speaker 1: an example for him how to be unhappy, how to 440 00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:54,120 Speaker 1: accommodate what you don't want, how to how to be unfulfilled, 441 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:58,040 Speaker 1: how to do how to accept less than you want 442 00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:02,320 Speaker 1: or deserve or desire setting an example for him? If 443 00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:06,480 Speaker 1: that if he so, I know, I've told you I've 444 00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:10,600 Speaker 1: went through therapy and I've done those things, and it 445 00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:13,320 Speaker 1: was something that he wants he wants to try at 446 00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:18,240 Speaker 1: this point, like I want to. I'm telling you this 447 00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:21,160 Speaker 1: because that's another reason why I thought about saying again, 448 00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:23,760 Speaker 1: which because now he's wanting to try and get better. 449 00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:27,440 Speaker 1: But um, I think or would you agree with me, 450 00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:29,920 Speaker 1: that it's best to kind of let him go off 451 00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:33,120 Speaker 1: and do his own thing and and see what if 452 00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:35,680 Speaker 1: it comes back around. So let me ask you this, 453 00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:39,080 Speaker 1: for you and who you are and what you want 454 00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:42,320 Speaker 1: to feel and how you want to be, is it 455 00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:46,720 Speaker 1: best to stick around and see how therapy turns out 456 00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:48,640 Speaker 1: for him? Or is it best for you to go 457 00:31:48,840 --> 00:31:52,280 Speaker 1: off and maybe see if it comes back around. Probably 458 00:31:52,360 --> 00:31:57,320 Speaker 1: best that I go off. The reason I'm asking you 459 00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:01,200 Speaker 1: these questions is because I get a sense that you know, 460 00:32:02,040 --> 00:32:04,680 Speaker 1: but you're afraid. I get a sense that you know, 461 00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:11,520 Speaker 1: and that you are willing to diminish yourself by acting 462 00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:15,680 Speaker 1: like you don't know. I I put everyone else before 463 00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:19,200 Speaker 1: what YE know. He's feelings and how he would feel 464 00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:22,560 Speaker 1: and how he's going to take it is probably over 465 00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:28,960 Speaker 1: my feelings. And yeah, that's a problem. But yeah, here's 466 00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:34,600 Speaker 1: something that you that you may want to consider. And 467 00:32:34,760 --> 00:32:38,840 Speaker 1: this is going to sound very strange. See, the most 468 00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:43,320 Speaker 1: powerful thing that you have going for you is your choice. 469 00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:49,680 Speaker 1: Choice is your power. Now you can make a fear 470 00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:54,120 Speaker 1: based choice, you can make the choice of least resistance. 471 00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:58,800 Speaker 1: You can make a powerful choice. You can make a 472 00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:03,600 Speaker 1: self serve supportive, self loving choice. Those are all different 473 00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:07,640 Speaker 1: kinds of choices that you make. And what happens very 474 00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:14,680 Speaker 1: often is that we traumatize ourselves by what we think 475 00:33:14,840 --> 00:33:19,840 Speaker 1: will happen as an outcome of our choices, and then 476 00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:24,080 Speaker 1: we just don't choose. But by not choosing, you're making 477 00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:27,440 Speaker 1: a choice. So you're not making a choice for the 478 00:33:27,560 --> 00:33:31,080 Speaker 1: relationship you're making a choice for you. Can you hear 479 00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:35,520 Speaker 1: what I'm saying? I absolutely do. Yeah, that's a lot 480 00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:39,640 Speaker 1: that's that was needed. And you're so right because when 481 00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:41,800 Speaker 1: you know, you know, I know, and I'm aware of 482 00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:44,640 Speaker 1: these things, but kind of hard to pull the trigger 483 00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:47,160 Speaker 1: in it. You go back and forth, so sometimes you 484 00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:48,920 Speaker 1: just kind of you didn't look at it in a 485 00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:55,080 Speaker 1: different way. Oh are you are you happy in this relationship? Yes? 486 00:33:55,240 --> 00:33:59,840 Speaker 1: Or no? No? Okay? Are you peaceful in this relationship? 487 00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:11,239 Speaker 1: Are you fulfilled in this relationship? Are you sexually satisfied 488 00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:16,960 Speaker 1: in this relationship that I am? Oh? Okay, So we 489 00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:24,960 Speaker 1: got one thing. This is an important question. If you're 490 00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:28,680 Speaker 1: sexually satisfied, why aren't you fulfilled and peaceful? Why are 491 00:34:28,760 --> 00:34:33,480 Speaker 1: you giving yourself or sharing yourself with someone that doesn't 492 00:34:33,600 --> 00:34:37,000 Speaker 1: fulfill you and someone that you're not at peace with 493 00:34:37,640 --> 00:34:41,640 Speaker 1: could just fulfilled for that one area, that the intimacy part, 494 00:34:41,760 --> 00:34:44,880 Speaker 1: But it's not fulfilled mine. It doesn't fulfil me as 495 00:34:44,920 --> 00:34:47,600 Speaker 1: a person. So yeah, let me just say this to you. 496 00:34:48,480 --> 00:34:52,400 Speaker 1: The madam will lie to you. She'll lie, she'll say, 497 00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:54,760 Speaker 1: Oh it's good, you can do it for a little while, glad, 498 00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:57,880 Speaker 1: just one more time, come on. It's good God. The 499 00:34:58,080 --> 00:35:00,520 Speaker 1: madam will lie to you, so you have to tell 500 00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:07,239 Speaker 1: her shut the hell up, because when you get up 501 00:35:07,280 --> 00:35:09,680 Speaker 1: from here, you got a whole bunch of other stuff 502 00:35:09,719 --> 00:35:12,120 Speaker 1: that you don't want to deal with. Shut the matter up, 503 00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:22,640 Speaker 1: shut up. He will lie to you. Okay, she'll tell you. 504 00:35:22,719 --> 00:35:25,560 Speaker 1: Oh you can, you can do it, goad, It's all right, 505 00:35:26,120 --> 00:35:28,920 Speaker 1: just for this is one more time. Come on, come on, 506 00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:31,839 Speaker 1: see it ain't that bad. And then you get up 507 00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:34,680 Speaker 1: and you're like, what in the blazing but Jesus am 508 00:35:34,719 --> 00:35:39,120 Speaker 1: I doing in this mess? Yeah? Yeah, shut her up? 509 00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:42,640 Speaker 1: And the cycles continue, and then you're blinded to all 510 00:35:42,680 --> 00:35:45,600 Speaker 1: the other things for just a little bit. Yeah, the 511 00:35:45,760 --> 00:35:50,560 Speaker 1: same cycle. Not you are I am on it. I am, yeah, 512 00:35:50,920 --> 00:35:54,279 Speaker 1: I am. Thank you for that. I am blinded to that. Yeah, 513 00:35:54,800 --> 00:35:58,359 Speaker 1: but I won't see things clearly there. I'm giving them 514 00:35:58,440 --> 00:36:02,480 Speaker 1: hope and excuses all over again. And yeah, because the 515 00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:05,880 Speaker 1: madam is lying, do you she's lying. She's a liar. 516 00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:12,480 Speaker 1: Oh ma, thank you so much for that point. I 517 00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:20,279 Speaker 1: don't remember anything else about this. Listen. It takes very 518 00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:24,880 Speaker 1: little to make her happy, very little to make her happy. Okay, 519 00:36:27,600 --> 00:36:31,480 Speaker 1: a little, a little whatever, you know so much more 520 00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:51,560 Speaker 1: to me than that. Mmmm. And if I chose to, yeah, 521 00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:56,000 Speaker 1: just alve this relationship and the greeting process and the 522 00:36:56,400 --> 00:36:59,360 Speaker 1: you know, the grieving process. Well, why does it have 523 00:36:59,480 --> 00:37:02,719 Speaker 1: to be a breathing process? Why why can't it be? 524 00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:06,080 Speaker 1: This is gonna be hurt. It's gonna hurt me. I'm 525 00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:10,920 Speaker 1: gonna be very hurt. So what I never heard nobody 526 00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:15,560 Speaker 1: cry theirself to death? No, no. But then one day 527 00:37:15,560 --> 00:37:19,959 Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, it's a change. Yeah, it's a roller coast. Okay, 528 00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:24,000 Speaker 1: I'm okay today, But tomorrow I'm and be hurting this. 529 00:37:24,280 --> 00:37:27,719 Speaker 1: It's gonna be tough for me. I keep doing the 530 00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:30,400 Speaker 1: same thing, so I'm gonna need it in the next day. 531 00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:33,560 Speaker 1: I want to go back, you know that whole up 532 00:37:33,600 --> 00:37:35,920 Speaker 1: and down. Let me let me just say this to you. 533 00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:41,200 Speaker 1: This is gonna sound weird. I love bread. Bread is 534 00:37:41,280 --> 00:37:48,000 Speaker 1: my friend. I love to smell it. I love to 535 00:37:48,080 --> 00:37:52,080 Speaker 1: heat it up and slop all pounds of butter on it. 536 00:37:52,320 --> 00:37:55,440 Speaker 1: I love love, blah blah blah blah blah bread. I 537 00:37:55,680 --> 00:37:59,320 Speaker 1: love it. Do you hear me? I walk a country 538 00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:02,759 Speaker 1: mouth for a p it's a hot bread. But back 539 00:38:02,840 --> 00:38:06,720 Speaker 1: in twenty sixteen, I had a rupture in my colon, 540 00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:09,840 Speaker 1: and they took out a piece of my colon and 541 00:38:09,960 --> 00:38:11,880 Speaker 1: they put me back together and left me with this 542 00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:17,560 Speaker 1: horrible scar on my belly. But I came home and 543 00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:22,960 Speaker 1: I was like forty pounds thinner, and I said, I 544 00:38:23,080 --> 00:38:27,080 Speaker 1: know it, I'll do. I'll eat bread. So I ate 545 00:38:27,160 --> 00:38:32,720 Speaker 1: some bread, and that thing, girl, it took me down 546 00:38:33,080 --> 00:38:37,280 Speaker 1: to my knees. I was speaking in tongue and casting 547 00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:42,319 Speaker 1: out demons because that bread. So a few days later 548 00:38:42,480 --> 00:38:47,319 Speaker 1: I had some more bread. Same thing happened. I let 549 00:38:47,400 --> 00:38:49,279 Speaker 1: a few weeks go by, and I said, okay, let 550 00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:53,919 Speaker 1: me let me have I mean, a sandwich, a barn roll. 551 00:38:54,440 --> 00:38:58,200 Speaker 1: I can't do it. And finally I had to say 552 00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:04,080 Speaker 1: to myself, Yamla, you love bread. Bread is your friend, 553 00:39:05,560 --> 00:39:10,440 Speaker 1: but it's just not good for you. And in that moment, 554 00:39:11,239 --> 00:39:14,520 Speaker 1: I had to make the choice, am I gonna spend 555 00:39:14,719 --> 00:39:17,480 Speaker 1: days on my knees casting out demons and speaking in 556 00:39:17,600 --> 00:39:20,440 Speaker 1: tongues because I love bread? Or am I gonna let 557 00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:25,400 Speaker 1: the bread go? So when I go to a restaurant 558 00:39:25,480 --> 00:39:28,960 Speaker 1: and they put it on the table, I have to say, y'amla, 559 00:39:29,719 --> 00:39:32,520 Speaker 1: that's not good for you. Now go on and eat it. 560 00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:34,880 Speaker 1: If you want to, but it's not good for you. 561 00:39:35,239 --> 00:39:38,080 Speaker 1: You love it, but it's not good for you, And 562 00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:40,800 Speaker 1: sometimes you just have to do that. You have to 563 00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:45,080 Speaker 1: train yourself to say, you know, I love this. It 564 00:39:45,719 --> 00:39:49,280 Speaker 1: gives me this or that, or it's comfortable, it's familiar, 565 00:39:49,719 --> 00:39:54,160 Speaker 1: it's it's easy, but it's not good for me, and 566 00:39:54,280 --> 00:39:58,680 Speaker 1: then you govern yourself accordingly. Now every now and then, 567 00:39:59,640 --> 00:40:02,280 Speaker 1: I wi have a piece of bread, I have a sandwich, 568 00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:06,960 Speaker 1: but I've learned to take my papaya enzymes first so 569 00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:09,360 Speaker 1: I don't have to fall all the way on my knees. 570 00:40:12,920 --> 00:40:19,719 Speaker 1: I only have to go halfway, right, Can you hear me? 571 00:40:22,440 --> 00:40:25,440 Speaker 1: You may love him, but it's not good for you 572 00:40:25,840 --> 00:40:29,640 Speaker 1: right now, and you don't have to leave today. Make 573 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:32,799 Speaker 1: your exit strategy, because the truth is you can't leave 574 00:40:32,920 --> 00:40:36,719 Speaker 1: until you can stay. You really can't leave until you 575 00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:40,480 Speaker 1: can stay. Until you can stay in the discomfort, stay 576 00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:44,400 Speaker 1: in the dysfunction, stay in the unhappiness without judging it 577 00:40:44,800 --> 00:40:48,200 Speaker 1: or making him wrong. Don't make him wrong. It's just 578 00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:52,160 Speaker 1: not good for you. And you are the only one 579 00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:55,200 Speaker 1: who gets to say what goes on in your life. Yes, ma'am, 580 00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:57,759 Speaker 1: thank you so much for that. I really needed to 581 00:40:58,680 --> 00:41:02,720 Speaker 1: come and take your time, don't rush yourself, and again, 582 00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:07,680 Speaker 1: choose for you. Make a choice, not a decision, and 583 00:41:07,960 --> 00:41:11,080 Speaker 1: don't make him wrong in the process. Don't make him wrong. 584 00:41:11,440 --> 00:41:15,480 Speaker 1: It's just not I can't make bread wrong. Bread is wonderful, 585 00:41:15,840 --> 00:41:20,080 Speaker 1: all kinds of bread, hot bread, white bread, brown bread, 586 00:41:21,040 --> 00:41:25,040 Speaker 1: Italian bread, French bread. I can't make bread wrong. It's 587 00:41:25,120 --> 00:41:30,040 Speaker 1: just not good for me. Okay, tell me what you 588 00:41:30,120 --> 00:41:32,520 Speaker 1: know now that you didn't know when you call me today. 589 00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:37,480 Speaker 1: I'm not fulfilled in a relationship. So yeah, I know 590 00:41:37,840 --> 00:41:41,239 Speaker 1: a lot more than I knew before I call. I'm 591 00:41:41,400 --> 00:41:44,719 Speaker 1: and the madam is always hernaged a little bit either. 592 00:41:45,040 --> 00:41:54,560 Speaker 1: They're not listening to Yeah, she's a liar. You are 593 00:41:54,600 --> 00:41:58,080 Speaker 1: gonna be just fine. Take your time, take your time. 594 00:41:58,400 --> 00:42:00,680 Speaker 1: Eight years is a long time, and don't think that 595 00:42:00,800 --> 00:42:04,279 Speaker 1: you waste the time. You've grown, you've learned, And right 596 00:42:04,320 --> 00:42:06,360 Speaker 1: out of your mouth, you said to me, we're not 597 00:42:06,480 --> 00:42:09,880 Speaker 1: the same people, so dare to be different and let 598 00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:13,239 Speaker 1: me know how you make out. Okay, thank you so much. 599 00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:17,839 Speaker 1: I appreciate you. Thank you, thank you you to my love. 600 00:42:18,600 --> 00:42:24,600 Speaker 1: Bye bye. You know, sometimes it's it's not easy to 601 00:42:24,719 --> 00:42:28,000 Speaker 1: talk about some realities in life. And one of the 602 00:42:28,120 --> 00:42:31,840 Speaker 1: realities it's hard for me to talk about with women 603 00:42:32,280 --> 00:42:37,439 Speaker 1: is how the madam will lie to you should a liar. Now, 604 00:42:38,040 --> 00:42:41,799 Speaker 1: if you want to stay, you've got to be willing 605 00:42:41,880 --> 00:42:44,359 Speaker 1: to fight, but you got to know how to fight. 606 00:42:45,280 --> 00:42:51,240 Speaker 1: Fight isn't doing war and doing battle. Fight is standing 607 00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:57,200 Speaker 1: up for yourself within yourself and setting some real clear 608 00:42:57,400 --> 00:43:03,360 Speaker 1: parameters and boundaries and require firements in the relationship. And 609 00:43:05,480 --> 00:43:09,399 Speaker 1: one of the reasons it's hard for us to leave 610 00:43:09,480 --> 00:43:12,000 Speaker 1: a relationship is because we don't know what our deal 611 00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:15,880 Speaker 1: breakers are. There's some things that you just gotta know 612 00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:19,040 Speaker 1: you're not gonna put up with. And if that deal 613 00:43:19,120 --> 00:43:22,440 Speaker 1: gets broken, there has to be a consequence, and that 614 00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:27,120 Speaker 1: consequence may be leaving and maybe staying under different circumstances 615 00:43:27,160 --> 00:43:32,920 Speaker 1: of situations. But it ain't gonna be easy, but it 616 00:43:33,040 --> 00:43:36,960 Speaker 1: can be done. I hope this has been helpful to someone, 617 00:43:37,080 --> 00:43:40,359 Speaker 1: And if you have a question about this or any 618 00:43:40,400 --> 00:43:44,560 Speaker 1: other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven 619 00:43:44,680 --> 00:43:48,319 Speaker 1: seven five three zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now 620 00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:51,160 Speaker 1: be sure to follow me on social media for all 621 00:43:51,239 --> 00:43:54,839 Speaker 1: of the calling times and until then, stay in peace 622 00:43:55,719 --> 00:44:03,000 Speaker 1: not peace. The r Spot is a production of Shondaland 623 00:44:03,080 --> 00:44:07,520 Speaker 1: Audio in partnership with I heart Radio. For more podcasts 624 00:44:07,600 --> 00:44:12,719 Speaker 1: from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or 625 00:44:12,760 --> 00:44:15,320 Speaker 1: wherever you listen to your favorite shows.