WEBVTT - Twin Flame Relationships: Healthy or Abusive? With Candace Moon 0:00:00.520 --> 0:00:05.479 Have you heard of a twin flame? To little complex, 0:00:05.600 --> 0:00:08.960 So bear with me as I explain it. The idea 0:00:09.039 --> 0:00:13.040 of a twin flame is a spiritual concept that one 0:00:13.080 --> 0:00:18.440 soul can incarnate into two separate bodies. The belief is 0:00:18.800 --> 0:00:22.599 that every person has a mirror soul who is their 0:00:22.640 --> 0:00:27.080 perfect romantic match. Those who say they have found their 0:00:27.240 --> 0:00:33.120 twin flame describe these relationships as intense, intoxicating, and oftentimes 0:00:33.600 --> 0:00:38.880 downright toxic. From a psychological perspective, what sounds like something 0:00:38.920 --> 0:00:42.440 out of a fairy tale can actually be a breeding 0:00:42.479 --> 0:00:46.920 ground for abuse. Over the past few years, several twin 0:00:47.040 --> 0:00:52.000 flame online communities have ignited controversy, claiming to help those 0:00:52.040 --> 0:00:59.000 seeking romantic guidance while actually encouraging unhealthy and often abusive relationships. 0:00:59.760 --> 0:01:03.480 On In this episode of Navigating Narcissism, I'm joined by 0:01:03.560 --> 0:01:07.360 Candace Moon, who got involved in the twin flame community 0:01:07.720 --> 0:01:11.640 only to realize they were peddling, as she says, glamorize 0:01:11.800 --> 0:01:16.200 narcissistic abuse. Candace was urged to stay in an abusive 0:01:16.240 --> 0:01:21.600 relationship rather than risk losing per twin flame from Red 0:01:21.640 --> 0:01:26.840 Table Talk Podcasts and iHeartMedia. I'm Doctor Rominy and this 0:01:27.680 --> 0:01:32.840 is Navigating narcissism. This podcast should not be used as 0:01:32.880 --> 0:01:37.160 a substitute for medical or mental health advice. Individuals are 0:01:37.200 --> 0:01:42.400 advised to seek independent medical advice, counseling, and or therapy 0:01:42.760 --> 0:01:47.080 from a healthcare professional with respect to any medical condition, 0:01:47.560 --> 0:01:52.680 mental health issue, or health inquiry, including matters discussed on 0:01:52.720 --> 0:01:58.280 this podcast. This episode discusses abuse, which may be triggering 0:01:58.320 --> 0:02:02.800 to some people. Use and opinions expressed are solely those 0:02:02.880 --> 0:02:07.280 of the podcast author or individuals participating in the podcast, 0:02:07.680 --> 0:02:13.320 and do not represent the opinions of Red Table Talk productions, iHeartMedia, 0:02:13.880 --> 0:02:19.120 or their employees. Candice, you have an amazing story. Let's 0:02:19.160 --> 0:02:22.640 just start at the topic of twin flames. Can you 0:02:22.760 --> 0:02:27.000 teach our listeners what a twin flame relationship is? 0:02:28.080 --> 0:02:31.240 Yes, So, the main belief of a twin flame is 0:02:31.280 --> 0:02:35.280 that you have this intense soulmate connection with this one 0:02:35.360 --> 0:02:39.120 person that literally is the other half of your soul. 0:02:39.280 --> 0:02:43.079 So the dogma, the belief is that before you incarnate 0:02:43.320 --> 0:02:47.520 into this life, your one soul and then that soul 0:02:47.800 --> 0:02:53.240 splits into a masculine and a feminine not necessarily a 0:02:53.320 --> 0:02:56.800 male physical body because there's LGBT people that are in 0:02:56.840 --> 0:02:59.119 the twin flame community. As well, but it's like an 0:02:59.320 --> 0:03:03.120 energy of life, the masculine aspect and the feminine aspect. 0:03:03.160 --> 0:03:06.120 So the soul just kind of splits in half and 0:03:06.160 --> 0:03:10.160 they incarnate down into the earth and you live your 0:03:10.240 --> 0:03:14.400 life separately through many different lifetimes, but you always have 0:03:14.560 --> 0:03:19.000 like this longing to find that perfect person, that other 0:03:19.120 --> 0:03:22.720 half of your soul. So you're basically living an incomplete 0:03:22.760 --> 0:03:25.760 life until you meet this person. 0:03:26.280 --> 0:03:29.360 My first question is, is only one person then that qualify 0:03:29.639 --> 0:03:30.560 as a twin flame? 0:03:31.240 --> 0:03:36.240 Yes, yes, you have that one special person and literally 0:03:36.480 --> 0:03:40.960 they're you. You literally share one soul that's split off 0:03:41.480 --> 0:03:46.160 and incarnated and is been going around in your human 0:03:46.240 --> 0:03:49.200 life lost and confused looking for that other half of 0:03:49.320 --> 0:03:53.400 you to complete you. And when you finally do meet them, 0:03:54.000 --> 0:03:57.800 you have this intense connection of a spiritual connection, like 0:03:57.840 --> 0:04:00.240 you feel like you've come home or you have is 0:04:00.320 --> 0:04:05.600 knowing and longing and you're with this person. But then 0:04:06.080 --> 0:04:11.440 it gets into once you've met the person, then things 0:04:11.480 --> 0:04:14.520 start going wrong in your life. All of your insecurities 0:04:14.560 --> 0:04:16.360 and everything are triggered. And this is where we get 0:04:16.400 --> 0:04:19.080 into where which I know we'll talk about where it's 0:04:19.200 --> 0:04:23.680 actually kind of the narcissism in the relationship, the toxicity 0:04:23.720 --> 0:04:26.080 starts to come out, and you bounce back and forth 0:04:26.160 --> 0:04:29.480 between what we call a narcissistic abuse, the love bombing, 0:04:29.480 --> 0:04:32.320 and the devaluation, whereas in the twin Flame they call 0:04:32.360 --> 0:04:35.960 it the love bubble and then the triggering or the mirroring, 0:04:36.000 --> 0:04:37.960 and they bounce back and forth through that a lot. 0:04:38.000 --> 0:04:41.000 But it's all under the guise of it's your soulmate, 0:04:41.120 --> 0:04:45.280 it's your soul connection, and it's a spiritual connection, all 0:04:45.279 --> 0:04:47.840 these things that you're going through, But the basics of 0:04:47.880 --> 0:04:51.440 it is your one soul and split off. You're not 0:04:51.520 --> 0:04:54.159 your own person, and you're searching for this other person 0:04:54.760 --> 0:04:57.240 to complete you so your soul can come back together. 0:04:58.880 --> 0:05:01.440 Candice, people who hold belief systems, do they believe this 0:05:01.520 --> 0:05:03.760 to be true of all people or that only there's 0:05:03.800 --> 0:05:07.400 certain chosen people who have this twin flame experience that 0:05:07.720 --> 0:05:09.000 they are going to find. 0:05:09.400 --> 0:05:12.880 Well, it depends on who you ask. There's many people 0:05:12.960 --> 0:05:15.160 that are in the twin Flame community that believe it's 0:05:15.200 --> 0:05:18.200 only a special people, and they'll take that number one 0:05:18.279 --> 0:05:19.919 hundred and forty four thousand out of the Book of 0:05:19.960 --> 0:05:23.080 Revelation in the Biblical text. They'll say that, oh, there's 0:05:23.080 --> 0:05:25.080 only one hundred and forty four thousand. Then there's those 0:05:25.080 --> 0:05:27.320 that will say, well, everybody has a twin flame, so 0:05:27.400 --> 0:05:30.640 it's kind of like in the entire twin flame community. 0:05:30.720 --> 0:05:33.360 People will have different perceptions of it and beliefs of it. 0:05:33.839 --> 0:05:37.159 But yes, you'd say most of them, there's only special 0:05:37.240 --> 0:05:39.000 chosen people that have a twin flame. 0:05:39.400 --> 0:05:42.440 So many follow up questions right now, No, it's not 0:05:42.520 --> 0:05:45.479 even that confusing. Actually, I'll tell you, as you were talking, 0:05:46.279 --> 0:05:50.800 I got a chill for how frightening this would be. 0:05:50.839 --> 0:05:53.479 And from a narcissistic relationship perspective, I want to go 0:05:53.600 --> 0:05:55.760 backwards for a second. I'm just going to put on 0:05:55.800 --> 0:05:59.000 my straight up statistician hat on this one. There are 0:05:59.080 --> 0:06:03.440 seven billion people on the planet, okay, and one of them, 0:06:03.560 --> 0:06:05.599 only one is our twin flame. So that's a one 0:06:05.640 --> 0:06:08.600 in seven billion shot. If you don't hold to the one 0:06:08.600 --> 0:06:13.479 hundred and forty four thousand, then it's seven billion, one 0:06:13.520 --> 0:06:18.039 in seven billion, right, those odds are already troubling, But 0:06:18.440 --> 0:06:21.000 we live spread all over the planet. In this model, 0:06:21.080 --> 0:06:23.400 is a conceivable that a person who lives in Los 0:06:23.440 --> 0:06:29.560 Angeles that her twin flame could be on Mauritius or Madagascar. 0:06:30.760 --> 0:06:32.680 And it's funny that you bring this up, because the 0:06:32.720 --> 0:06:35.240 majority of people that claim they found their twin flame 0:06:35.279 --> 0:06:37.120 a lot of times have never met them in person. 0:06:37.160 --> 0:06:39.719 They've met them online, and they're living in another country 0:06:39.800 --> 0:06:43.120 or another state. So most of the time it'll be 0:06:43.200 --> 0:06:47.360 someone that you haven't even met in person. And there's 0:06:47.400 --> 0:06:50.160 even those that believe that their twin flame is out 0:06:50.200 --> 0:06:52.479 there and they've connected with them on a spiritual level. 0:06:52.480 --> 0:06:54.240 But yes, that happens a lot. 0:06:54.120 --> 0:06:57.359 Actually, because that means Candae that this entire model of 0:06:57.400 --> 0:07:01.080 twin flame something that feels so primal that even hearkens 0:07:01.120 --> 0:07:03.520 back to the Book of Revelations. One would imagine that 0:07:03.640 --> 0:07:07.760 twin flames always existed, but the internet did not, nor 0:07:07.880 --> 0:07:11.200 did phones, So you know, that would mean that there 0:07:11.240 --> 0:07:14.400 were times when it seems like that everyone was walking 0:07:14.440 --> 0:07:16.440 around without a twin flame. So it kind of doesn't 0:07:16.480 --> 0:07:19.440 sort of hold the smell test, you know, in terms 0:07:19.440 --> 0:07:22.160 of it's certainly a very convenient modern model, but it 0:07:22.640 --> 0:07:28.480 doesn't work backwards. Another question, given that under this model 0:07:28.880 --> 0:07:33.720 most people will never meet their twin flame, is the 0:07:33.760 --> 0:07:36.920 assumption then that everybody else in the world who doesn't 0:07:36.960 --> 0:07:40.800 meet their twin flame is walking around in a less 0:07:40.800 --> 0:07:42.600 than ideal relationship. 0:07:42.680 --> 0:07:45.000 A lot of times they'll just say that those people 0:07:45.160 --> 0:07:48.120 just aren't awakened, because what it does, it's almost very 0:07:48.240 --> 0:07:51.640 cult like when you're in the community where it's I mean, 0:07:51.640 --> 0:07:54.000 it's not kind of it is really, if I'm being honest, 0:07:54.000 --> 0:07:56.080 it is very cult like where you are the special 0:07:56.200 --> 0:07:59.520 chosen people and all the other people they just don't understand, 0:07:59.560 --> 0:08:02.960 not that they they're not a twin flame, so they're 0:08:03.000 --> 0:08:05.280 not sharing their soul with anyone. So for them, they 0:08:05.280 --> 0:08:07.000 can just be with each other and it's not this 0:08:07.120 --> 0:08:10.480 intense soulmate connection. Does that make sense? It doesn't just 0:08:10.480 --> 0:08:13.040 a regular person. You're not special like we. 0:08:13.080 --> 0:08:15.720 Are, right, So there's that specialness piece, which you're right. 0:08:15.760 --> 0:08:19.160 It really gets into dangerous territory. Here's where I'm concerned. 0:08:19.720 --> 0:08:23.720 Is this idea that there's only one so whenever that 0:08:23.760 --> 0:08:27.559 person comes, there's an assumption that there'll be some level 0:08:27.560 --> 0:08:31.480 of recognition you have I have found this person. They've 0:08:31.560 --> 0:08:34.960 built into the model of twin flames that you're actually 0:08:35.040 --> 0:08:38.760 going to be really kind of chaotic and almost uncomfortable 0:08:38.800 --> 0:08:45.160 and insecure and unsettled at that time, and your insecurities, 0:08:45.160 --> 0:08:48.280 like you said, are going to get triggered. So what 0:08:48.520 --> 0:08:52.360 concerns me is that a person may meet someone somehow 0:08:52.360 --> 0:08:56.240 they've convinced themselves that this is my twin flame. They're 0:08:56.360 --> 0:08:59.800 told that you're supposed to be uncomfortable, but if you 0:09:00.360 --> 0:09:04.079 this is your only person once in a lifetime, you 0:09:04.200 --> 0:09:10.160 may actually endure some really really terrible things in a relationship. 0:09:10.360 --> 0:09:15.360 And in essence, what they're doing is packaging toxicity in 0:09:15.400 --> 0:09:18.520 a way that people might stick it out. That really 0:09:18.600 --> 0:09:19.280 concerns me. 0:09:19.559 --> 0:09:24.240 That's exactly what happens. It's glamorized narcissistic abuse because most 0:09:24.240 --> 0:09:27.000 of the people that come upon the twin flame are 0:09:27.520 --> 0:09:31.600 either in a toxic relationship already, and the twin flame 0:09:31.679 --> 0:09:35.080 is very intoxicating because it helps you to rationalize why 0:09:35.160 --> 0:09:36.480 you're getting bread crumbed. 0:09:37.040 --> 0:09:40.880 Candice, just use the term breadcrumbing, which is a common 0:09:40.960 --> 0:09:45.959 experience in narcissistically abusive relationships. Basically, you learn to get 0:09:46.000 --> 0:09:49.320 by on less and less. Thus the little breadcrumbs that 0:09:49.360 --> 0:09:52.480 they toss you, you can justify those bread crumbs as 0:09:52.520 --> 0:09:57.240 being enough. This is a slow process of indoctrination and 0:09:57.280 --> 0:10:01.600 the segue from love bombing and exc of attention to 0:10:02.360 --> 0:10:05.840 you getting excited about tiny little things like them remembering 0:10:05.880 --> 0:10:09.080 to say happy birthday, that starts feeling like a big 0:10:09.120 --> 0:10:13.080 deal when you are breadcrumbed. It's so gradual that you 0:10:13.160 --> 0:10:16.280 start to lose sight of what actually is a healthy 0:10:16.360 --> 0:10:19.720 relationship and how you learn to get by on so 0:10:19.960 --> 0:10:25.839 little support, compassion, respect, and basic decency in a relationship. 0:10:26.280 --> 0:10:29.560 Why you're getting discarded, why your partner keeps cheating and 0:10:29.640 --> 0:10:32.000 doing drugs and you keep wanting to be with them 0:10:32.000 --> 0:10:34.720 because you don't really understand what a trauma. 0:10:34.400 --> 0:10:38.800 Bond is as a reminder, because you can never learn 0:10:38.880 --> 0:10:44.200 this too much. Trauma bonding is the dysfunctional relationship cycle 0:10:44.240 --> 0:10:50.280 that forms from the alternation between idealization and invalidation. The 0:10:50.320 --> 0:10:53.720 good days keep you locked in, and you find yourself 0:10:54.080 --> 0:10:57.800 justifying the bad behavior in the relationship. This is a 0:10:57.880 --> 0:11:02.240 particularly dastardly play on the trauma bond because even the 0:11:02.440 --> 0:11:05.960 bad parts are being upheld as great because they are 0:11:06.000 --> 0:11:08.720 a sign that you're doing it right, when in fact 0:11:09.160 --> 0:11:12.760 they should be assigned to pay attention, protect yourself, or 0:11:12.840 --> 0:11:17.480 get out. Commandeering the trauma bonded cycle and painting it 0:11:17.559 --> 0:11:21.120 as good is a terrible precedent, and. 0:11:21.200 --> 0:11:24.079 It sounds more glamorous to say, oh, this is my soulmate, 0:11:24.160 --> 0:11:25.680 my twin flame. You don't want to say, oh well, 0:11:25.679 --> 0:11:27.760 I'm trauma bonded and I'm in the cycle of abuse. 0:11:27.840 --> 0:11:31.119 You want to say, oh, well, it's this intoxicating spiritual 0:11:31.160 --> 0:11:35.559 connection and we're special. So it's very, very dangerous because 0:11:35.640 --> 0:11:39.080 in my personal opinion and my experience with the twin Flame, 0:11:39.679 --> 0:11:43.760 I would say ninety percent are in some sort of 0:11:44.120 --> 0:11:49.280 toxic relationship that this twin Flame teachings and dogma is 0:11:49.400 --> 0:11:56.080 helping this person to stay in a codependent, toxic, abusive relationship. 0:11:56.080 --> 0:11:58.720 It helps them to justify it because in the stages 0:11:58.800 --> 0:12:02.760 of it, oh well, you're gonna be triggered and it's 0:12:02.800 --> 0:12:05.120 your responsibility. I mean, we can get into this too. 0:12:05.160 --> 0:12:08.360 As the divine feminine, because most of the people in 0:12:08.400 --> 0:12:10.800 the twin Flame are women. There's men, but it's the 0:12:10.840 --> 0:12:14.120 majority women that they call it the divine feminine. You're 0:12:14.240 --> 0:12:17.560 responsible for all the healing in the relationship because the 0:12:17.600 --> 0:12:20.240 divine feminine is the one that does all the healing, 0:12:20.520 --> 0:12:22.560 all the divine mask going can go off and cheat 0:12:22.600 --> 0:12:25.120 and do drugs and do all these things and you're 0:12:25.160 --> 0:12:27.480 supposed to do these healing, you're supposed to hold space 0:12:27.520 --> 0:12:30.000 for them, So it can get into some very dangerous 0:12:30.080 --> 0:12:31.280 victim blaming as well. 0:12:31.880 --> 0:12:34.480 Did a dude write this model because it seems to 0:12:34.520 --> 0:12:36.319 work real well for them? 0:12:36.720 --> 0:12:37.480 Yeah? 0:12:37.600 --> 0:12:41.760 Right, it's you know what this feels like. This feels 0:12:41.840 --> 0:12:45.360 like locking down on the trauma bond and throwing away 0:12:45.400 --> 0:12:49.040 the combination, like there's no breaking breaking out of that 0:12:49.120 --> 0:12:52.240 because what you've now done is as it is. We 0:12:52.320 --> 0:12:56.600 come up with so many personal justifications for trauma bonded 0:12:56.720 --> 0:13:02.200 and toxic relationships, but now this is a justification almost 0:13:02.240 --> 0:13:05.760 being handed down from a system saying oh, this feels 0:13:05.800 --> 0:13:09.800 uncomfortable and you're upset and sad and triggered. Keep going, 0:13:10.080 --> 0:13:16.680 you're doing this just right? Yes, okay, yes, yes for 0:13:16.800 --> 0:13:22.480 you personally, Candice, what did you find compelling about the 0:13:22.600 --> 0:13:24.120 idea of a twin flame? 0:13:24.280 --> 0:13:28.520 I was married for fifteen years to a non recovered alcoholic, 0:13:28.840 --> 0:13:30.640 and towards the end of our marriage, I mean, I 0:13:30.720 --> 0:13:33.439 love my husband, but he just could not and did 0:13:33.440 --> 0:13:36.320 not want to get treatment for his alcohol addiction. And 0:13:36.400 --> 0:13:39.600 towards the end of our marriage, I started really going 0:13:39.600 --> 0:13:42.880 to alan on focusing on me and so starting a 0:13:42.920 --> 0:13:45.880 spiritual journey of healing and working on myself. And I 0:13:46.000 --> 0:13:48.520 was searching. I was one of those people that was searching. 0:13:48.559 --> 0:13:52.880 And I am a cult survivor, so I am vulnerable 0:13:52.920 --> 0:13:56.800 to that, and especially back then, I was very, very vulnerable. 0:13:57.160 --> 0:14:01.280 So already being kind of traumabized, having lots of different 0:14:01.520 --> 0:14:05.240 trauma bonds from my childhood, it was easy for me 0:14:05.320 --> 0:14:10.600 to get sucked into this glamorized, toxic spiritual thing. And 0:14:10.640 --> 0:14:13.200 I can say that now, but when you're in it, no, 0:14:13.360 --> 0:14:15.360 you think it's just the most wonderful thing. And I 0:14:15.600 --> 0:14:18.959 read some blogs and I read about it, and I'm like, oh, 0:14:19.040 --> 0:14:21.000 this is me. I'm a twin flame. I'm going to 0:14:21.080 --> 0:14:23.920 find my twin flame. And so I would do what 0:14:24.040 --> 0:14:25.720 a lot of people do. I would get. 0:14:25.600 --> 0:14:29.320 Tarot card readings, I would get psychic readings, healings and 0:14:29.400 --> 0:14:33.920 different meditations to manifest my twin flame, to call your 0:14:33.920 --> 0:14:37.400 twin flame in like you're sending a message and praying 0:14:37.440 --> 0:14:39.800 to the universe to send you your twin flame. 0:14:40.920 --> 0:14:44.160 And so then after I separated from my husband, I 0:14:44.200 --> 0:14:48.280 met this other man who I decided was my twin flame. 0:14:48.640 --> 0:14:52.200 I did not realize that he was a covert narcissist 0:14:52.360 --> 0:14:55.480 because I was being love bombed like I had never 0:14:55.520 --> 0:14:58.960 been loved bombed before. I never had experienced that. And 0:14:59.040 --> 0:15:02.080 of course he was everything that I have, very attractive, 0:15:02.480 --> 0:15:05.280 love bombed me based he loved bombed me, and I 0:15:05.320 --> 0:15:07.720 fell in love with this person, and I kept getting 0:15:07.760 --> 0:15:11.160 bread crumbed. But the twin flame thing was there to 0:15:11.440 --> 0:15:14.480 justify for me why I kept getting bread crumbed, why 0:15:14.520 --> 0:15:17.120 he would just out of nowhere, just discard me to 0:15:17.200 --> 0:15:19.720 go date another woman, why he would treat me like 0:15:19.760 --> 0:15:23.200 a friend with benefits. And like I said, I didn't 0:15:23.280 --> 0:15:25.320 know what a narcissist was, and I didn't know the 0:15:25.320 --> 0:15:28.560 cycle of narcissistic abuse, and that I was trauma bonded 0:15:28.600 --> 0:15:31.400 to this person. And I kept accepting the breadcrumbs, and 0:15:31.440 --> 0:15:34.800 I kept accepting like he would have a narcissistic rage 0:15:34.800 --> 0:15:37.160 and send me text messages and get his rage, and 0:15:37.200 --> 0:15:39.440 then he'd be done and then we'd go back to 0:15:39.480 --> 0:15:42.640 our little love bubble. So it was like continually the 0:15:42.680 --> 0:15:47.120 cycle and the twin flame stages were identical. They are 0:15:47.200 --> 0:15:51.200 identical to the cycles of narcissistic abuse. And I didn't 0:15:51.240 --> 0:15:55.360 know that until fast forward later healing and my healing 0:15:55.440 --> 0:15:58.880 journey I looked back. I'm like, oh my goodness, I 0:15:59.000 --> 0:16:03.320 was in an abusive relationship with the covert narcissist and 0:16:03.720 --> 0:16:06.680 I did end up after a couple of years of 0:16:06.720 --> 0:16:10.920 that push and pull, that constant cycle. And then also 0:16:11.000 --> 0:16:13.920 because I was in the twin Flame community, told that well, 0:16:13.920 --> 0:16:16.160 you're doing the work for your divine masculine. You need 0:16:16.160 --> 0:16:19.520 to do all these meditations. I even created for myself 0:16:19.560 --> 0:16:22.080 a private Facebook group for those of us because we 0:16:22.320 --> 0:16:24.960 met online. There was a community of women just like 0:16:25.040 --> 0:16:27.720 me in the twin Flame. So I created a private 0:16:27.760 --> 0:16:29.800 Facebook group where we would all get together to do 0:16:29.920 --> 0:16:34.600 meditations to heal our divine masculine. And this went on 0:16:34.680 --> 0:16:36.680 for a couple of years, and then there was a point, 0:16:36.720 --> 0:16:39.480 and I don't remember the exact moment, but I remember 0:16:39.920 --> 0:16:42.240 there was that cognitive dissonance going on. Every now and 0:16:42.240 --> 0:16:44.200 then I would get a reality like something would come 0:16:44.240 --> 0:16:46.280 in my brain and be like, Candas, this isn't love, 0:16:46.320 --> 0:16:48.520 you don't deserve this, this isn't right. But then the 0:16:48.560 --> 0:16:50.400 twin Flame thing was there to pull me back in. 0:16:50.440 --> 0:16:52.960 But no, it's spiritual. You have to stick this out. 0:16:53.000 --> 0:16:53.680 It's spiritual. 0:16:54.040 --> 0:16:58.080 Cognitive dissonance is the tension or discomfort we feel when 0:16:58.160 --> 0:17:01.920 things that matter to us are in consistent. I love him, 0:17:02.160 --> 0:17:06.240 he's mean to me, So we do something to break 0:17:06.480 --> 0:17:10.399 through that tension. He just had a bad day at work, 0:17:11.040 --> 0:17:14.760 that's why he was grumpy, and maintain the outcome that 0:17:14.840 --> 0:17:17.640 we want, which is keep loving the person and believing 0:17:17.640 --> 0:17:21.840 that they are a decent person. Cognitive dissonance underlies how 0:17:21.880 --> 0:17:25.040 the trauma bond gets formed, because we may want the 0:17:25.119 --> 0:17:29.919 relationship to work, but it's very inconsistent and hurtful. So 0:17:30.119 --> 0:17:34.600 that's what drives the justification that allows the trauma bonded 0:17:34.640 --> 0:17:35.880 cycles to persist. 0:17:36.840 --> 0:17:39.360 And finally, I don't know how, but I just decided 0:17:39.400 --> 0:17:42.359 I wanted to stop seeing this man. But it was 0:17:42.600 --> 0:17:45.760 really hard to let go of the twin flame teaching 0:17:45.800 --> 0:17:48.520 because it was so ingrained in me, and I wanted 0:17:48.520 --> 0:17:50.840 to hold on to that belief that it was real. 0:17:51.280 --> 0:17:54.159 So I had let go of the actual man, but 0:17:54.400 --> 0:17:57.119 held onto the belief. And then I started saying, well, 0:17:57.160 --> 0:17:58.880 maybe I was wrong, maybe he's not my twin fling, 0:17:58.880 --> 0:18:03.560 maybe there's someone else. It's so incredibly toxic, and you know, 0:18:03.600 --> 0:18:06.480 a lot of people in the twin flame community get 0:18:06.560 --> 0:18:10.439 really angry when you talk about it, but their anger 0:18:10.520 --> 0:18:13.240 is just coming from their cognitive dissonance. They want to 0:18:13.280 --> 0:18:16.359 stay in that because it makes him feel better. 0:18:16.480 --> 0:18:19.000 So let me ask you this. When you met this 0:18:19.119 --> 0:18:22.960 man and you thought he was your twin flame, were 0:18:23.040 --> 0:18:26.880 you already in the twin flame community before you met him, 0:18:27.160 --> 0:18:30.200 or was there something about him that made you think 0:18:30.200 --> 0:18:32.200 he was a twin flame. I'm just trying to understand 0:18:32.520 --> 0:18:34.359 sort of how you came to this idea that this 0:18:34.480 --> 0:18:35.760 man was your twin flame. 0:18:36.400 --> 0:18:39.760 Started reading about the twin flame community and what it was, 0:18:40.680 --> 0:18:42.560 so I had it in my mind that I was 0:18:42.680 --> 0:18:46.200 looking for that twin flame. So when I met him, 0:18:46.600 --> 0:18:48.639 and I had met other people, but this guy was 0:18:48.760 --> 0:18:51.679 just very He was very compelling. I was very attracted 0:18:51.720 --> 0:18:54.040 to this person. And he said all the right things. 0:18:54.600 --> 0:18:56.800 And that's what narcissists do, and they love bomb you. 0:18:56.880 --> 0:18:58.800 They study you, and they say all the right So 0:18:58.840 --> 0:19:01.440 he was saying all the right things, so I thought, oh, 0:19:01.560 --> 0:19:05.000 it's him, it has to be so yes, I had 0:19:05.040 --> 0:19:09.160 started in the twin flame community already, and then I 0:19:09.200 --> 0:19:12.119 felt like I had manifested him and called in my 0:19:12.160 --> 0:19:12.760 twin flame. 0:19:13.000 --> 0:19:14.879 So That's the piece I'm trying to understand. So it 0:19:14.880 --> 0:19:18.280 sounds like after your divorce you got into the twin 0:19:18.359 --> 0:19:21.800 Flame community. You hadn't met this guy yet, but after 0:19:21.880 --> 0:19:25.240 your divorce, what drew you to even be interested in 0:19:25.240 --> 0:19:27.920 this concept of twin flame? I see that it wasn't 0:19:27.920 --> 0:19:30.320 attached to a person, but what even drew you to 0:19:30.400 --> 0:19:32.200 that after your divorce. 0:19:32.119 --> 0:19:35.280 That feeling of wanting love and acceptance and being part 0:19:35.359 --> 0:19:38.600 of something that was bigger than you? And like I said, 0:19:38.680 --> 0:19:41.200 I believe it's because I was a cult survivor already, 0:19:41.280 --> 0:19:44.399 So I feel like I was primed for being sucked 0:19:44.400 --> 0:19:47.879 into another cult and it was very easy for me 0:19:47.960 --> 0:19:53.640 to fall into that. I was searching for a special love, 0:19:53.640 --> 0:19:57.040 and everybody searches for that. I understand that. But I 0:19:57.160 --> 0:20:01.119 wanted a deep connection because I I had been married 0:20:01.160 --> 0:20:04.960 to an alcoholic for so long, you know, my youth, 0:20:05.080 --> 0:20:09.240 like two decades of my life, and I wanted something 0:20:09.440 --> 0:20:13.040 special because after all of that, I wanted a special 0:20:13.200 --> 0:20:16.840 relationship where I was loved and nurtured. And I believe 0:20:17.000 --> 0:20:19.359 that the twin Flame thing was where it was. 0:20:20.080 --> 0:20:23.240 And you know, Candice, that is such a human want 0:20:23.560 --> 0:20:27.600 to want a special love story, especially after, like you said, 0:20:27.720 --> 0:20:30.879 having spent two decades in something where your partner really 0:20:30.960 --> 0:20:34.040 wasn't present. That's what alcoholic relationships are, as a person 0:20:34.080 --> 0:20:37.800 who's just simply not there. And so it's a human 0:20:38.440 --> 0:20:40.760 like a human drive to want to be loved and 0:20:40.800 --> 0:20:44.440 want it to be special. And so it completely makes 0:20:44.480 --> 0:20:47.440 sense to me why something like a twin flame concept 0:20:47.440 --> 0:20:49.920 that there could be a special love story. You said 0:20:49.920 --> 0:20:52.280 that the person you met you thought was your twin 0:20:52.359 --> 0:20:56.800 flame was a covert narcissist. What were the patterns that 0:20:56.880 --> 0:21:00.600 this partner was showing that led you to think that 0:21:00.600 --> 0:21:02.360 that's what this person was. 0:21:03.000 --> 0:21:08.280 Because he was never overtly abusive. Everything was like if 0:21:08.320 --> 0:21:11.119 he was mad, he was very passive aggressive. So if 0:21:11.160 --> 0:21:13.760 I said or did something that he didn't like and 0:21:13.840 --> 0:21:16.359 I didn't know about it, what would happen was then 0:21:16.400 --> 0:21:18.919 he would get a narcissistic injury and I didn't know 0:21:18.960 --> 0:21:22.960 what I did. He would rage, but his rages were 0:21:23.000 --> 0:21:25.960 not screaming at me. His rages were texting. He would 0:21:26.000 --> 0:21:28.160 get his phone out in text and like dump all 0:21:28.200 --> 0:21:31.399 of his narcissistic rage on me through a text. And 0:21:31.440 --> 0:21:33.480 as soon as he dumped all that in a text. 0:21:34.119 --> 0:21:36.800 He was better. He was like, Oh, everything's fine, I 0:21:36.880 --> 0:21:39.119 love you. Why don't you come spend the weekend? So 0:21:39.280 --> 0:21:43.119 it was that, and he also refused to have a 0:21:43.200 --> 0:21:46.719 commitment with me, but he wanted me around when we 0:21:46.720 --> 0:21:48.480 were out in public, it was like we were boyfriend 0:21:48.520 --> 0:21:52.160 and girlfriend. But he was always like, but we're just friends, remember, 0:21:52.280 --> 0:21:55.200 But he wanted all the benefits of a sexual romantic 0:21:55.240 --> 0:22:00.960 relationship with no commitment, and everything was very passive. He 0:22:01.000 --> 0:22:04.440 never called me names, but he would rage in his 0:22:04.480 --> 0:22:07.040 text messages. But when we were together, it was always 0:22:07.080 --> 0:22:08.560 constant love bombing. 0:22:09.040 --> 0:22:10.840 And what did that look like? What does a love 0:22:10.880 --> 0:22:11.600 bombing look like? 0:22:12.600 --> 0:22:15.960 That was constant like telling me how amazing that I was, 0:22:16.080 --> 0:22:18.119 how we were just so good together. I was his 0:22:18.200 --> 0:22:22.679 best friend and he just values me so much, and 0:22:22.720 --> 0:22:24.320 he would puff me up and put me up on 0:22:24.359 --> 0:22:26.359 a pedestal and tell me how beautiful I was and 0:22:26.400 --> 0:22:28.640 how I would do my makeup the way he wanted 0:22:28.720 --> 0:22:30.440 me to do my makeup. He would tell me how 0:22:30.440 --> 0:22:33.320 he liked his makeup, how I liked my hair, and 0:22:33.680 --> 0:22:35.880 if I did my hair and everything the way he liked. 0:22:35.920 --> 0:22:37.399 He would just puff me up like it was this 0:22:37.480 --> 0:22:40.040 wonderful thing. But then if there was something that if 0:22:40.040 --> 0:22:43.320 he just felt like he would just randomly discard me 0:22:43.440 --> 0:22:47.159 and say, you know, since we're not together in a relationship, 0:22:47.240 --> 0:22:49.120 I met this girl that I'm going to go date, 0:22:49.960 --> 0:22:52.720 and he would just discard me, and then I would 0:22:52.720 --> 0:22:55.439