1 00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:06,960 Speaker 1: Welcome to Jay Dot in a production of my heart 2 00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:12,760 Speaker 1: rateis okay, like it's coming out of her clothes. Girl 3 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:14,440 Speaker 1: ain't got no windows open, so I don't make no 4 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:16,680 Speaker 1: noise outside, So I'm like, let me come out. I'm sorry, y'all. 5 00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:19,239 Speaker 1: Y're gonna get pure sports bra. You got to come 6 00:00:19,239 --> 00:00:25,120 Speaker 1: on out, boat boat release release. Oh. I felt that 7 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:30,400 Speaker 1: my sister shoutouts is going through menopause and it is. 8 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:32,839 Speaker 1: You don't have to do that. You don't have to 9 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:36,559 Speaker 1: do that. Yeah, I'm just saying it's fascinating. I shouldn't. 10 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:39,000 Speaker 1: I don't. I don't want it, but I don't want 11 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:43,000 Speaker 1: to not want it. Yeah, I mean, like watching her 12 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:47,720 Speaker 1: that that sweat start coming out, just I'm amazed. I'm like, Wow, 13 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:50,360 Speaker 1: it's happerty right now. It ain't funny. I don't think 14 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:54,360 Speaker 1: it's fine. I think it's funny either. Yeah, I'm not 15 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:57,920 Speaker 1: it forward to it, but it's a it's a reality, right, 16 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:01,000 Speaker 1: That's my point. Like I can't dread it either. We're right, 17 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:02,920 Speaker 1: We've got to talk to somebody on the show about 18 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:06,959 Speaker 1: that some one day. How to prepare for that. It's 19 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,760 Speaker 1: kinds but it seems like though I ain't even gonna 20 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:12,840 Speaker 1: lie to y'all like the precursor is just like that, 21 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:15,319 Speaker 1: the that the thing just gets super juicy for about 22 00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:18,959 Speaker 1: five six seven years right before. So it's like dinner, 23 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:22,760 Speaker 1: you're super dry and then it goes super dry. This 24 00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:24,679 Speaker 1: is this is what it seemed like. I don't know. 25 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:27,760 Speaker 1: I don't want to say nothing because I find that 26 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:41,720 Speaker 1: stop by with you and nothing well juicy right now 27 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:50,680 Speaker 1: and you fixed you. Oh haw neluljah. Oh yeah, that's 28 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:57,440 Speaker 1: good time. Oh that's wondering. This is not appropriate for 29 00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:00,840 Speaker 1: where we're about to go, is it. No, it's not 30 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:03,440 Speaker 1: appropriate at all. As you can tell, we are definitely 31 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:06,760 Speaker 1: going to have a conversation about menopause. I mean we 32 00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:13,239 Speaker 1: just got to anyway. Today, Welcome to j Dot Elder Podcast. 33 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:20,080 Speaker 1: It is me Jill Scott and Ada Graydon Dancelerla st Clair, ma'n. Yeah, 34 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:23,280 Speaker 1: we're all here today. We are gonna be talking about 35 00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:28,720 Speaker 1: what we learned from our father's Oh baby, okay, first 36 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:31,200 Speaker 1: of all, let's start here. Adrian, you've got a daddy, Well, 37 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,679 Speaker 1: I have a daddy in the spirit. My dad has 38 00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:37,000 Speaker 1: passed away. He's been you know, with the ancestors. Now 39 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:45,079 Speaker 1: for oh girl, it's eight years almost nine actually, but yes, 40 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:48,200 Speaker 1: that's a yes, that's an affirmative that you grew up 41 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:51,760 Speaker 1: with the father. Yes, I did, I did, I did. 42 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:55,640 Speaker 1: I grew up with the father. Layah oh for show, 43 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:57,200 Speaker 1: I grew up with a father, and for show. He 44 00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:59,120 Speaker 1: has listened to his first episode of J. D Ill 45 00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:02,720 Speaker 1: because he loves a good implement. Yes, man for sure, 46 00:03:03,919 --> 00:03:07,160 Speaker 1: and for myself. Yes, I grew up with a father 47 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:12,280 Speaker 1: as well. He wasn't in our house. But interestingly enough, 48 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:21,080 Speaker 1: my father was my godfather for many years. What what 49 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:24,280 Speaker 1: in the Philly? I'm sorry, what now? But what in 50 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:28,280 Speaker 1: the Philly? Yes, my father was my godfather for many 51 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:31,760 Speaker 1: many years. I knew he was my father because I 52 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:35,520 Speaker 1: looked just like and I made just like him. It's 53 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:38,600 Speaker 1: not even fair. And I can't run. I can't run. 54 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:42,560 Speaker 1: It's my daddy. Gent what you won't? Yeah, but for 55 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:46,920 Speaker 1: grown up reasons, he was my godfather for how long? 56 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:49,200 Speaker 1: For most of my life till I think I hit 57 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:53,280 Speaker 1: about twenty three, and then I was just like, what 58 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:56,280 Speaker 1: were we doing? Like seriously, like what are we doing? 59 00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,640 Speaker 1: Why are why are we acting like this elephant ain't 60 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:02,760 Speaker 1: in this room? Because he because he was there, well, 61 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:05,680 Speaker 1: he was he was my godfather, so he was always around. 62 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,240 Speaker 1: I still want to hear that conversation. So you had 63 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:11,200 Speaker 1: the conversation in your twenties like let's stop playing these games, 64 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:14,360 Speaker 1: let's stop playing these games. And he was like okay. 65 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:17,120 Speaker 1: And I my sister, who was my god's sister. I 66 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:21,840 Speaker 1: was like, I'm your biological sister at her wedding and 67 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:27,760 Speaker 1: she was like yeah, okay, and we just moved on 68 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:30,520 Speaker 1: from there. That was pretty much the gist of a conversation. 69 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:34,880 Speaker 1: And then years later, I must have been about forty 70 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:38,280 Speaker 1: maybe forty, and I was like, Daddy, let's just take 71 00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:41,800 Speaker 1: this blood test. My mother, of course, was like she ain't. 72 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:43,560 Speaker 1: I take no blood as I'll tell you. I know 73 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:49,320 Speaker 1: what I know, and doubt doubt me. If you want to, 74 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:52,200 Speaker 1: I'll tell you. And I was like, okay, let's just 75 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:57,480 Speaker 1: let's just do it. Nine point nine nine nine nine 76 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:01,800 Speaker 1: that I was like, okay, got it, got it? Yeah. 77 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:06,080 Speaker 1: So our dad's our dads. Yeah, what what do we 78 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:11,760 Speaker 1: learn from my dad's so much? Well, my dad was 79 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:17,880 Speaker 1: married five times and he picked right the last one. 80 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:24,440 Speaker 1: But I watched him make financial choices. Um, he was like, 81 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:26,960 Speaker 1: how much you got? You got seven dollars. I got 82 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,760 Speaker 1: seven dollars, we got four, let's go. My dad was 83 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:36,359 Speaker 1: an orphan, so his thought process was to build. I 84 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:40,760 Speaker 1: don't know if it was necessarily to love. So he 85 00:05:40,839 --> 00:05:46,360 Speaker 1: got married four five times and divorced four mm hmm. Yeah. 86 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,560 Speaker 1: So one of the things that I would say that 87 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:52,279 Speaker 1: I learned is that I don't I don't like to 88 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:55,680 Speaker 1: be unhappy. Yeah, I mean, I don't. I don't have 89 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:58,440 Speaker 1: to do that. I don't have to. You know, I 90 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:02,120 Speaker 1: understand people who want to stay ain't married forever, but 91 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:06,719 Speaker 1: I ain't gonna yeah, I mean, just because it's a vowal. Yeah, 92 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,200 Speaker 1: just I'm not. I mean, it's a it's a big deal. 93 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:13,440 Speaker 1: Anybody would prefer to get married and stay married, you know, 94 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:16,279 Speaker 1: to have that union and that partnership and that friendship 95 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:19,960 Speaker 1: and that hopefully passionate lover you know, for a lifetime. 96 00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:25,440 Speaker 1: But you know, I've learned that there's a way out. 97 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:31,760 Speaker 1: And every time my dad lost the house, yep, every time, 98 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:35,320 Speaker 1: and he'd start all over from the beginning, and he 99 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:38,120 Speaker 1: would just let them, you know, take whatever they wanted 100 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:44,279 Speaker 1: and he would move on. You know. Yeah, I learned that, 101 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:47,320 Speaker 1: you know, let them take whatever they wanted, and he 102 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:51,599 Speaker 1: moved on, and he moved on. I'm just saying that 103 00:06:51,839 --> 00:06:53,920 Speaker 1: what I got out of that is one that I 104 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:56,400 Speaker 1: don't have to stay in a bad situation and too 105 00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:06,960 Speaker 1: not to make choices about married just financially. Hmm. Okay, yeah, Okay, 106 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:12,800 Speaker 1: It's funny. I always feel strange talking about my relationship 107 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:15,560 Speaker 1: with my father because I'm in a I feel like, 108 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:16,960 Speaker 1: I don't know why. I feel like I'm in a 109 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:21,480 Speaker 1: small collective of people who had like just amazing daddy 110 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:25,440 Speaker 1: love and even in a home that was like divorce. 111 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:27,960 Speaker 1: My parents were got divorced when I was six years old, 112 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:31,200 Speaker 1: but me and my daddy been best friends since I 113 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:34,280 Speaker 1: came out the womb, and he sat there and talked 114 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:37,200 Speaker 1: to me about my life and what was gonna happen 115 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:38,720 Speaker 1: and the joy that I brought it to his life. 116 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:40,880 Speaker 1: My dad taught me about joy and the differences between 117 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:45,560 Speaker 1: joy and happiness, and I oftentimes feel very guilty talking 118 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:50,160 Speaker 1: about his love because I I don't have an equal, 119 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,240 Speaker 1: like bad story to tell outside of the fact that 120 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:54,480 Speaker 1: I grew up with an artist. My daddy was as 121 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:57,320 Speaker 1: a drummer. He's a photographer, so he didn't always have 122 00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:59,320 Speaker 1: the money. My mom was a flight attendant. She had 123 00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:01,680 Speaker 1: a job that came with a pension and things like that. 124 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:05,280 Speaker 1: And although he wasn't always able to provide for me, 125 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:07,720 Speaker 1: and some of those Christmas is were like bags of 126 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:12,360 Speaker 1: thrift store clothes. Like the love that my dad expressed 127 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:15,160 Speaker 1: to me and showed me at times, I tell him 128 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,480 Speaker 1: that he has given me so much love that he 129 00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:19,280 Speaker 1: has made it hard for the men in my life 130 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:22,200 Speaker 1: because I'm like, I have a standard. I know how 131 00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:24,840 Speaker 1: I want to be loved, and um, I know it's 132 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:28,320 Speaker 1: it's possible. Even though my daddy is a man, So 133 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,000 Speaker 1: the love that he has for me as a daughter, 134 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:34,120 Speaker 1: I'm sure the women in his life would be like 135 00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:38,360 Speaker 1: because I too have had a father who has been 136 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,840 Speaker 1: married a couple of times. You know, he he is 137 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:51,120 Speaker 1: an artist, a New York artist, so he he also 138 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,040 Speaker 1: is eight. He's gonna hear that I say this. He 139 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:54,840 Speaker 1: eighty one, but he looked every day at fifty five. 140 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:59,160 Speaker 1: So everyone you know what I'm saying. But as far 141 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:02,400 Speaker 1: as like the arts, jazz music, my dad came up 142 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,079 Speaker 1: with Michael Peters and Debbie It's just it's so many 143 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:07,520 Speaker 1: things that arts and culture and things that my father 144 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:09,720 Speaker 1: has brought into my life that I'm so grateful for, 145 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:13,640 Speaker 1: even though we argue almost every other day. And that's 146 00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:17,120 Speaker 1: fine too, because he's getting older. He don't want to 147 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:22,280 Speaker 1: hear about my womanly problems, my physical babe, just talk 148 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:25,839 Speaker 1: about anything but that period. But yeah, it's it's that 149 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:31,319 Speaker 1: that it's always interesting talking about Ron st Clair because 150 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:34,080 Speaker 1: like I said, he you know, he was there. He 151 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,319 Speaker 1: was there. The money wasn't always there, but Ron will 152 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:40,520 Speaker 1: show up. So oh, I love that, and and I 153 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:43,160 Speaker 1: I'm sorry that you that that you have to carry 154 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:46,280 Speaker 1: that or feel like you can't talk about that, because 155 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:49,679 Speaker 1: it's so needed for us to know that there are 156 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:53,640 Speaker 1: men out there from multiple generations that have shown up 157 00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:57,760 Speaker 1: for their families and really like loving on their daughters 158 00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,559 Speaker 1: and as black women that we have like women out 159 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:04,480 Speaker 1: here whose fathers were loving them thoroughly and beautifully, you 160 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,240 Speaker 1: know what I mean. It hurts me that there's energy 161 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:09,120 Speaker 1: where you feel like you have to hold back that 162 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:11,640 Speaker 1: story because girl, I want to hear that story again 163 00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:13,840 Speaker 1: and again and again and again and again. That makes me, 164 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:16,960 Speaker 1: That makes me thrilled, But it's hard to watch your 165 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,600 Speaker 1: girlfriend women sometimes who don't have that in their lives 166 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:21,760 Speaker 1: and you see it and you see that they didn't 167 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,839 Speaker 1: have like a foundation of that, and that's all they 168 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:28,200 Speaker 1: needed to not go through that issue that they went through, 169 00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:30,719 Speaker 1: you know what I mean, not understand that that man 170 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:33,880 Speaker 1: wasn't good enough for them. So it's just it's interesting 171 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:35,800 Speaker 1: because I know it shouldn't be hard, but it's. Yes, 172 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,920 Speaker 1: it's like, yeah, I grow with some daddy love and 173 00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:43,600 Speaker 1: I got guilt, girl, So father, let no girl, let's 174 00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:46,120 Speaker 1: let's ditch it. Let us let us take all of 175 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:49,840 Speaker 1: your guilt and put it in a tin can and 176 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:52,040 Speaker 1: set it a blaze and let it go up into 177 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:55,120 Speaker 1: the atmosphere. Because I'm gonna tell you something. That story. 178 00:10:55,520 --> 00:11:00,920 Speaker 1: We need that story to heal. Yeah, we need that's 179 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:05,640 Speaker 1: a that's a crown. It's a crown. Don't know this 180 00:11:05,679 --> 00:11:07,600 Speaker 1: man called me. He'd be like, baby, if I miss 181 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:11,120 Speaker 1: your call, it's like missing a season. Oh my god, 182 00:11:11,679 --> 00:11:18,320 Speaker 1: Oh my god. Okay, okay, So your father has set 183 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:22,000 Speaker 1: the standard for what you require in this life or 184 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:25,000 Speaker 1: what you deserve. And it's like and because of that, 185 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:28,160 Speaker 1: now all you have to do, my friend, is to 186 00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:33,680 Speaker 1: call it. Call it, but you don't look call forward 187 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:37,679 Speaker 1: the specifics of what you want in your life as 188 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:41,440 Speaker 1: a partner, you know what it looks like. Ye be 189 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:45,120 Speaker 1: as specific as possible, call it and don't look out 190 00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:49,840 Speaker 1: the window, don't pay the floors. Enjoy every moment of 191 00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:53,400 Speaker 1: your existence, but know that it is coming. That is 192 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:58,400 Speaker 1: not miss That's the laws of attraction. That's what. That's what. 193 00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:02,120 Speaker 1: That is all you have to do. And so many 194 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:05,800 Speaker 1: of us, you know, young women, black women particularly, we 195 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:11,480 Speaker 1: didn't see our our father's loving us like that. You know, 196 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,920 Speaker 1: we didn't get a chance to watch. You know, if 197 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:16,000 Speaker 1: you had a mother and father together, you didn't get 198 00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:19,800 Speaker 1: a chance to see them making out or dancing together, 199 00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:23,400 Speaker 1: or you know, having an argument and fixing it. And 200 00:12:23,559 --> 00:12:27,560 Speaker 1: we're learning with a disadvantage in so many ways. But 201 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,800 Speaker 1: I got some odd stuff going on over here because 202 00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:32,400 Speaker 1: Kareem and Ron are like you know, they check on 203 00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,760 Speaker 1: each other. I make sure like their friends, My famis 204 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,920 Speaker 1: my parents. They're the best divorced couple you will ever meet. 205 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,000 Speaker 1: He spends the night when I come to visit, like 206 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,720 Speaker 1: and that's not he got a room. You just stay 207 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:46,000 Speaker 1: in me room. You know that's beautiful, it is. I 208 00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:49,320 Speaker 1: think that is amazing, like I said, And I feel 209 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:51,400 Speaker 1: like we need to make sure that there's room for 210 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:54,880 Speaker 1: you to tell this story because this is also something 211 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,599 Speaker 1: that for women who would not have this too. I 212 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,360 Speaker 1: don't want to say live vicariously, but to see a 213 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,800 Speaker 1: thing exists, you can also hold some ownership to it 214 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:07,079 Speaker 1: as well. Because there's gonna be a young woman who's 215 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:10,480 Speaker 1: gonna listen to this episode and she's gonna remember that 216 00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:12,840 Speaker 1: missing a call for me was like missing a season. 217 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,880 Speaker 1: She's gonna remember that. She's going to to to store 218 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,960 Speaker 1: that away as a standard, to store that away as 219 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,400 Speaker 1: a standard for not only how love should feel, but 220 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:25,600 Speaker 1: how you should give it all these things. I mean, honestly, 221 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:30,720 Speaker 1: to me, that's everything. I mean, it's value. It's it's 222 00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:36,760 Speaker 1: such a value place such or who you are, Like, 223 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:40,040 Speaker 1: oh I love it so yes, it's a beautiful thing. 224 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:44,920 Speaker 1: I really want to make sure that we have ample 225 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:48,120 Speaker 1: space for Royn st Clair in this In this moment, 226 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:52,640 Speaker 1: I want to go, he gonna flip, Lord, He's gonna 227 00:13:52,679 --> 00:14:01,000 Speaker 1: flip baby, that's name because I get overwhelmed by his 228 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:02,840 Speaker 1: love and I sometimes I'm like, I don't know how 229 00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:04,880 Speaker 1: to even get that back, Daddy, after you said, what 230 00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:08,160 Speaker 1: do I just when you tell me what I brought 231 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:12,719 Speaker 1: to your life. Receive it, receive it, Receive it and 232 00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,480 Speaker 1: know that you're worthy of it. Receive it and know 233 00:14:15,559 --> 00:14:27,480 Speaker 1: you're worthy of it. We'll be back after the break. 234 00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:34,640 Speaker 1: My situation my dad is so complicated because I mean 235 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,080 Speaker 1: I was deeply loved, you know what I mean, Like, 236 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:41,320 Speaker 1: my dad and I had a very interesting relationship. My 237 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:43,560 Speaker 1: Stepfrother said this to me one time. He was like, 238 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:45,960 Speaker 1: you know, you know you was Daddy's hips And that's 239 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:49,280 Speaker 1: set with me for a long time because my situation 240 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:54,120 Speaker 1: with my father. He was a complicated guy, and so 241 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:57,080 Speaker 1: there were times in which he was very absent in 242 00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:59,160 Speaker 1: my life and the time so he was very very 243 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:02,520 Speaker 1: present in my life. He was good with the love part, 244 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:05,480 Speaker 1: definitely good with the love part, not so good with 245 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:12,040 Speaker 1: the support part. Wasn't really a good husband to my 246 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:16,000 Speaker 1: mother nor to his wife prior to my mother, and 247 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:19,320 Speaker 1: wasn't really a present and good father for my other 248 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:24,000 Speaker 1: siblings before I was born. And so it just became 249 00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:27,560 Speaker 1: a very complicated thing about my dad and my relationship 250 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,560 Speaker 1: with my father because even with some of my siblings, 251 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:33,160 Speaker 1: we just had very different interactions with him, and so 252 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:36,360 Speaker 1: having to reconcile the way is that he wasn't able 253 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:39,160 Speaker 1: to show up for them, just was really, really weird 254 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,680 Speaker 1: in eyes from me. So I guess I can understand 255 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:45,520 Speaker 1: how Lie is her old guilt, which she no longer 256 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:49,000 Speaker 1: is carrying, but her old guilt, you know, for having 257 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,560 Speaker 1: that kind of relationship with her dad that was so loving, 258 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:54,960 Speaker 1: and you having a kind of, you know, a guilt 259 00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:59,560 Speaker 1: as well. A complicated situation because your siblings didn't receive 260 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:04,880 Speaker 1: the kind love that you absolutely And let me tell 261 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:08,080 Speaker 1: you something, I got very close with my sister and 262 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:11,720 Speaker 1: it affected my relationship with my father because I have like, dude, 263 00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:15,040 Speaker 1: like I can't look at you the same. I knew 264 00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:18,560 Speaker 1: that things was odd with the two of you, but 265 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,560 Speaker 1: but it caused me the second guest and look at 266 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,800 Speaker 1: him differently. And I always say to my and and 267 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:27,120 Speaker 1: I have another sister, So gosh, my situation is so 268 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:34,880 Speaker 1: black and messy. Lord, I do not want to claim 269 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:43,320 Speaker 1: that just for black people, because your right. It's okay, 270 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:47,280 Speaker 1: my mother has two children, Okay, my sister and I 271 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:52,400 Speaker 1: have different fathers. Okay, but my mother married my dad 272 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:56,040 Speaker 1: and my dad kind of adopted my sister. So my 273 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:59,120 Speaker 1: sister has two dads. She's had her biological father and 274 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:05,000 Speaker 1: my father. Okay, but all of that is interesting until 275 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:08,160 Speaker 1: you adding to the fact that my father had three 276 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:12,600 Speaker 1: children before I was ever born, and so he was 277 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:15,440 Speaker 1: living in the household with me and my sister, who 278 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:19,360 Speaker 1: was not his biological child in many ways, raising her 279 00:17:20,119 --> 00:17:23,000 Speaker 1: at the time that my parents were together, when he 280 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:29,480 Speaker 1: wasn't involved with his other children's lives. This is it 281 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,480 Speaker 1: gets very very messy. They don't want to take away 282 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:36,920 Speaker 1: about you though, right they understand it. No, no im 283 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:41,280 Speaker 1: than that, because you know, I got cousins right now. 284 00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:42,960 Speaker 1: They don't like my ask because I grew up in 285 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:47,360 Speaker 1: grandma house, like like I had something to do with it, 286 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:50,920 Speaker 1: like I chose where I lived, or you know, like 287 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:58,359 Speaker 1: they're still annoyed by my very presence because I'm sure 288 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:02,320 Speaker 1: that there were complicated feeling particularly when I'm very close 289 00:18:02,359 --> 00:18:05,879 Speaker 1: to one of my sisters, and I'm sure that I 290 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:09,560 Speaker 1: know that there were complicated feelings when she was younger. 291 00:18:10,359 --> 00:18:13,320 Speaker 1: Obviously you know all of those things, but we're so 292 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:16,159 Speaker 1: close now, all that is, yeah, all of that is 293 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:19,679 Speaker 1: whatever whatever wage and water under the bridge and just 294 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:22,080 Speaker 1: so layered and so were all working through our stuff 295 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:25,280 Speaker 1: in terms of what I learned from my dad. My 296 00:18:25,359 --> 00:18:30,720 Speaker 1: dad has been a person who always made me feel 297 00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:33,919 Speaker 1: like I just was the dopest person in the room, 298 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:37,800 Speaker 1: Like he just was. Like I never questioned that because 299 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:39,919 Speaker 1: he always me feel like I was funny, like I 300 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:44,200 Speaker 1: was smart, He was always listening, you know what I'm saying, 301 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:47,199 Speaker 1: and and so I always felt like, yeah, like my 302 00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:50,640 Speaker 1: daddy thinks I'm special, funck y'all, you know what I mean. 303 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:54,320 Speaker 1: Like I just always felt like, Okay, I'm good to go. 304 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:58,359 Speaker 1: But I also learned from my dad that that whole 305 00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:01,040 Speaker 1: thing that my Andrew says a out what you said 306 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,200 Speaker 1: and what you did for people will never forget the 307 00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:07,320 Speaker 1: way you make them feel. I've had to reconcile that 308 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:13,439 Speaker 1: my dad showed up in ways that were not good 309 00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:17,879 Speaker 1: for other people, and how they felt was important, and 310 00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:20,600 Speaker 1: I had to learn how to separate that from myself. 311 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:25,200 Speaker 1: That's hard because that's my blood. And so I've had 312 00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:28,000 Speaker 1: to reconcile who this person was as my father and 313 00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:31,960 Speaker 1: what does that mean about who I And I learned 314 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:35,480 Speaker 1: from my dad that yeah, you can be funny and charming, 315 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:38,160 Speaker 1: and you can be all these different things. You gotta 316 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:42,120 Speaker 1: be aware of how people feel. And you have to 317 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:45,400 Speaker 1: show up as the person that you say that you are. 318 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,840 Speaker 1: You just have to do that because it affects people 319 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:53,840 Speaker 1: for all very very long time. It's funny. Care care 320 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:56,480 Speaker 1: Gains and I were just we're just having this conversation 321 00:19:56,680 --> 00:20:01,640 Speaker 1: a moment ago, and we were talking about fame and 322 00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:05,520 Speaker 1: how challenging it could be because you know, you know 323 00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:07,800 Speaker 1: my position. I'm still like listening, we all people don't 324 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:10,439 Speaker 1: put nobody on pedestal. They're gonna fall off just the 325 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:14,520 Speaker 1: way it is, because everybody's people anyway. Um, I was 326 00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:18,560 Speaker 1: saying that the tough part is that you might catch somebody. 327 00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:21,639 Speaker 1: Somebody might catch me on a bad day, a litteral 328 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,960 Speaker 1: a literal bad day. You know, something in my family, 329 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:28,920 Speaker 1: something in my body, something just something that's heavy to me. 330 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:33,840 Speaker 1: And I've learned now to say something like, listen, I'm 331 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:37,560 Speaker 1: not in a good place today, says I'm just I'm 332 00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:41,680 Speaker 1: not in a good place today, because you're right, what 333 00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:44,840 Speaker 1: they remember is how they felt, so you know, they 334 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:47,119 Speaker 1: walk away with this, Well, she was so nasty, she 335 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:49,240 Speaker 1: was mean, she was she was just that and the other. 336 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,719 Speaker 1: Instead of that, I'm like, okay, look, let me just 337 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:54,840 Speaker 1: be up front and say what it is. But you're 338 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:58,399 Speaker 1: absolutely right. You know, it's how people make you feel. 339 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:02,919 Speaker 1: And with my dad, I was short, I was in school, 340 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:05,520 Speaker 1: I was a temple and I was short eight hundred dollars. 341 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,720 Speaker 1: And I tried to figure out how, just because I 342 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:11,080 Speaker 1: was trying to get through the semester, how I was 343 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,520 Speaker 1: gonna get to, say, hundred dollars, I don't know. So 344 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:15,360 Speaker 1: I called my dad and I said, Dad, can I 345 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,400 Speaker 1: borrow you know, trying to be a big girl, can 346 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:20,880 Speaker 1: I borrow eight hundred dollars? He said, yes, Jilly, I'll 347 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:24,600 Speaker 1: bring it to him. So he shows up, gives me 348 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:27,159 Speaker 1: the eight hundred dollars. I paid my tuition, and I, 349 00:21:27,359 --> 00:21:31,399 Speaker 1: you know, I made it a point to get that money, 350 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:33,360 Speaker 1: to get that money and put some aside. I put 351 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:35,440 Speaker 1: some aside so that when I gave it back to 352 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:39,840 Speaker 1: him it would be the whole eight hundred dollars. Now, 353 00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,439 Speaker 1: by the time I got the whole eight hundred dollars, 354 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:47,000 Speaker 1: I literally had maybe seventeen dollars to my name. So 355 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,520 Speaker 1: I was like, Okay, my dad is gonna be proud 356 00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:54,480 Speaker 1: of me. He's going to he's going to say, oh, oh, 357 00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:57,040 Speaker 1: thank you, Jilly, And then he's gonna give me it back, 358 00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,520 Speaker 1: or he's gonna give me some back, you know, just 359 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:02,840 Speaker 1: because I did. I did. I did what I was 360 00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:06,520 Speaker 1: supposed to do. And I'm his daughter, you know. You 361 00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:09,520 Speaker 1: know I'm huffing and puffing through school and two jobs. 362 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:15,320 Speaker 1: Think his money, Yeah, I thought then he was gonna 363 00:22:15,359 --> 00:22:18,440 Speaker 1: give me at least some of it back. He took 364 00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:21,919 Speaker 1: that ship and put it in his pocket. And we 365 00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:24,600 Speaker 1: continued today, and I was like, Okay, at any time 366 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:28,200 Speaker 1: he's gonna go down and then and if she's gonna 367 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:32,520 Speaker 1: give me something back, you know, at least a hundred dollars, 368 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:35,800 Speaker 1: at least a hundred dollars. That that man kissed me 369 00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:42,000 Speaker 1: goodbye and went on about his business. I was so mad. 370 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:47,119 Speaker 1: I was so mad. Oh. I internalized that thing, and 371 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,520 Speaker 1: at that point I was like, I will never in 372 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:53,840 Speaker 1: my life need a man for money again. You used 373 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,679 Speaker 1: the B how you mad? You used to be word 374 00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:59,240 Speaker 1: you used to be worth the L word which was 375 00:22:59,359 --> 00:23:05,680 Speaker 1: lone you can I have. I should have played myself. 376 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:09,480 Speaker 1: I played myself, but it did give me a valuable lesson. 377 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:14,200 Speaker 1: But I decided I would never in my life again 378 00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:18,159 Speaker 1: have to borrow or get a loan from a man 379 00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:21,800 Speaker 1: again in my life, somebody like somebody that's in my 380 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:25,240 Speaker 1: life like a boyfriend. So yeah, you know, while other 381 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,760 Speaker 1: people are looking at you know, I'm supposed to date 382 00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:31,520 Speaker 1: a successful actor or a successful singer or a successful something, 383 00:23:32,359 --> 00:23:37,080 Speaker 1: I do not think about money at all because because 384 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:40,960 Speaker 1: you ain't gonna take nothing from him. And now with 385 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:43,960 Speaker 1: the state of pre nups and agree, you ain't gonna 386 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:50,639 Speaker 1: take nothing for me, even motherfucker, get going out of 387 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:54,399 Speaker 1: get out of here with the listen. They never had 388 00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:56,720 Speaker 1: no money, girl, So that's whatever. I wasn't never gonna 389 00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:59,320 Speaker 1: borrow ship from my dad. But like I said, my 390 00:23:59,359 --> 00:24:01,600 Speaker 1: dad was big one. Now this is one thing and 391 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:03,480 Speaker 1: I and then I was sitting here thinking, I was like, 392 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:06,160 Speaker 1: oh shoot, I didn't think of this new enough. As 393 00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:12,320 Speaker 1: a parent, I'm fun and I got that from my parents. 394 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:15,200 Speaker 1: Both my parents could be fun people to be around. 395 00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:20,080 Speaker 1: But my dad was big fun. Oh girl, Yes, Like 396 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,959 Speaker 1: my dad would take me ice skating, but he couldn't 397 00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:26,160 Speaker 1: really do it that well. But he would skate top speed, 398 00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:32,960 Speaker 1: girl to speed and he had this brown coat but 399 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:36,160 Speaker 1: he would fall on the ice and all the white 400 00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:39,520 Speaker 1: from the from the ice would get all over his coat, 401 00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:42,400 Speaker 1: and it was just embarrassing to me, like he didn't 402 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:49,560 Speaker 1: care the care when when it was snow he would 403 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:52,159 Speaker 1: break open the um cardboard box because we didn't have 404 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:55,159 Speaker 1: on money. Yeah, the car put the cardboard box. You 405 00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:58,320 Speaker 1: break up in the carboard box. Girl, You would think 406 00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:01,000 Speaker 1: he's doing this for us. No on, ma'am, he's going 407 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:05,920 Speaker 1: down the hill first, head first, running start. I didn't start, 408 00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:08,239 Speaker 1: you know. What's what I'm saying, Asian, did y'all ever 409 00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:11,360 Speaker 1: do the paddle boating on the basin? You and your dad? Yo, 410 00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:15,159 Speaker 1: Me and my dad used all the time, y'all listen. 411 00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:21,280 Speaker 1: I mean just fun, yeah, goofy being fun, sing, was 412 00:25:21,359 --> 00:25:23,720 Speaker 1: saying with me, dance with me, all those different things, 413 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:27,520 Speaker 1: very very because mama was and daddy was the fun one, right, 414 00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:29,919 Speaker 1: Dad was a fun one. But in my household, honestly, 415 00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:33,680 Speaker 1: I won't even lie, my mother was really fun too. God. 416 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:35,800 Speaker 1: Let me hold on, Asian, hold on hold because she 417 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:38,040 Speaker 1: might be listening. Let me just say this, Mommy, I 418 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:39,680 Speaker 1: didn't mean that you were strict. I was just saying 419 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:42,840 Speaker 1: you was more strict and I had so much fun. 420 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:46,560 Speaker 1: And thank you for taking me around the world. Yes, girl, 421 00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:51,640 Speaker 1: thanks I'm on my way. The things though about that 422 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:56,160 Speaker 1: for me again, it's just like I said, complicated. My dad, 423 00:25:56,560 --> 00:25:59,280 Speaker 1: DoD made it hard for me when I became an adult, 424 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:03,080 Speaker 1: and I had to have boundaries with my father because 425 00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:05,720 Speaker 1: I was in love with him. You understand why I'm 426 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:10,760 Speaker 1: saying boundaries because he was messy, he was a drug addict, 427 00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:15,400 Speaker 1: He was a liar sometimes. And you know, you talk 428 00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:18,000 Speaker 1: about borrowing money, my dad would borrow money from me. 429 00:26:18,359 --> 00:26:21,440 Speaker 1: My dad would borrow money from other people. Like I'm 430 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:24,399 Speaker 1: saying all this to say, and and you know, mega 431 00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:27,280 Speaker 1: rest his soul, but I gotta be honest about who 432 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:30,520 Speaker 1: he was. And it was here because right, you know, 433 00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:33,600 Speaker 1: And when I got older, I felt like I'm mature. 434 00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:35,760 Speaker 1: I'm not a baby anymore, so not have to deal 435 00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:39,920 Speaker 1: with you like an adult. M I can't just let 436 00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:42,359 Speaker 1: you get away with it because you're my daddy, because 437 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:46,040 Speaker 1: I love you, because you're cute, because you're handsome, and 438 00:26:46,119 --> 00:26:48,840 Speaker 1: everybody think you handsome and they say I look like you, 439 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:52,800 Speaker 1: so I must I must be handsome, you know, and 440 00:26:53,119 --> 00:26:56,199 Speaker 1: you know, and all of the ways that I was 441 00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:58,879 Speaker 1: so attached to him, and it was painful because it 442 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,320 Speaker 1: was like the daddy that I love. I gotta let 443 00:27:01,359 --> 00:27:05,000 Speaker 1: him die to deal with the reality of the dad 444 00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:07,840 Speaker 1: that when the people don't love and that he is. 445 00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:13,160 Speaker 1: And so that began my adult relationship with my father, 446 00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:17,680 Speaker 1: which was so off on, off on, off on, so 447 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,800 Speaker 1: much so that two years before my dad passed away 448 00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:25,600 Speaker 1: for two years I didn't speak to him. I had 449 00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:30,960 Speaker 1: an unfortunate incident with him involving my older sister, and 450 00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:33,080 Speaker 1: I just decided that I was no longer going to 451 00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:37,119 Speaker 1: be communicating with him anymore. And my husband warned me 452 00:27:37,119 --> 00:27:42,919 Speaker 1: against this. He said, listen, I have a complicated thing too. 453 00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:46,560 Speaker 1: I gotta complicated daddy story too. He was like, but 454 00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:51,000 Speaker 1: you care about that relationship and now and you in 455 00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:54,439 Speaker 1: here lying to yourself about how much you care about it. 456 00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:57,600 Speaker 1: And he was like, if something happens to your dad, 457 00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:02,520 Speaker 1: you're gonna be devastating. And I was like, no, I'm right, 458 00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:06,639 Speaker 1: I'm correct, and I was correct. This is where it 459 00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:10,399 Speaker 1: gets tough with parents. I was right about what I 460 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:13,960 Speaker 1: was upset about, but how I chose to handle it 461 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:18,840 Speaker 1: it isolated our relationship worse than it had ever been 462 00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:23,199 Speaker 1: my whole life. I had never gone my birthday not 463 00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:27,840 Speaker 1: talking to my day. I had never gone holiday seasons 464 00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:32,560 Speaker 1: and think without speaking to my father, and I didn't 465 00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:34,359 Speaker 1: talk to him for two years straight. And I got 466 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:39,080 Speaker 1: a call literally right after my birthday. We had not spoken. 467 00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:44,640 Speaker 1: This was the third cycle of birthday going through the 468 00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:47,920 Speaker 1: un spoke. Got a call and it was like he'd 469 00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:53,800 Speaker 1: been diagnosed with cancer. And I drove down to see him, 470 00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:56,440 Speaker 1: and oddly enough, my mother was with me. My mother 471 00:28:56,480 --> 00:28:57,960 Speaker 1: was in Philly at the time, and she drove with 472 00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:00,680 Speaker 1: me and went down in and and I had laid 473 00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:02,360 Speaker 1: eyes on my father two and a half years and 474 00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:04,920 Speaker 1: so when I went down there, I walked into the 475 00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:06,880 Speaker 1: room and he was in bed, and he looked sick. 476 00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:11,000 Speaker 1: And I walked in there and the two of us 477 00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:15,840 Speaker 1: just cried, probably for about the first thirty minutes that 478 00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:18,800 Speaker 1: I was there, and I just laid in the bed 479 00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:21,200 Speaker 1: with him, and we just cried and cried and cried. 480 00:29:21,240 --> 00:29:23,360 Speaker 1: When don't say nothing else to each other, We just cried. 481 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:29,760 Speaker 1: And it was the pain of the mistakes. It was 482 00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:34,520 Speaker 1: the pain of the non consistent nature of who he 483 00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:37,880 Speaker 1: was in my life. It was all the unsaid things, 484 00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:40,920 Speaker 1: all of stuff, and we just cried that ship out. 485 00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:44,840 Speaker 1: And then eight months later he died, and I'm grateful 486 00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:47,120 Speaker 1: that I had that eight months because it was pancreatic 487 00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:51,480 Speaker 1: cancer and that can be really, really aggressive. So I'm 488 00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:53,720 Speaker 1: grateful for the eight months. In that eight months, I 489 00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:56,120 Speaker 1: feel like I made as much closure as I could have, 490 00:29:57,440 --> 00:29:59,600 Speaker 1: and I was okay, and I was with him the 491 00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:02,840 Speaker 1: dating he passed, you know. So I'm grateful to have 492 00:30:02,960 --> 00:30:06,600 Speaker 1: had that moment. But I always think about my dad 493 00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:09,960 Speaker 1: my relationship with him, and I'm still learning things about 494 00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:13,560 Speaker 1: that relationship. And what I learned from that whole journey 495 00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:17,440 Speaker 1: was that a person is a lot of things, and 496 00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:19,920 Speaker 1: that a lot of things, a person is a lot 497 00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:24,040 Speaker 1: of things. You cannot compartmentalize a human being. You know. 498 00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:26,560 Speaker 1: We've been talking about this when we talked about our mothers, 499 00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:29,760 Speaker 1: you know, and and humanizing our mothers when we had 500 00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:33,360 Speaker 1: that conversation. You know, it's the same thing with our fathers. 501 00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:36,080 Speaker 1: My dad's is a kind of guy who would who 502 00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:39,520 Speaker 1: would yell, hey, baby out the window, and then he 503 00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:41,200 Speaker 1: would turn to me and say, oh, that's your cousin. 504 00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:48,160 Speaker 1: And I realized that not every woman. It took me 505 00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:50,560 Speaker 1: a long time, but it took me, you know, to 506 00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:53,720 Speaker 1: realize that not every woman that he was yelling, hey, baby, 507 00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:57,720 Speaker 1: was family, you know? He was? I say, was, And 508 00:30:57,760 --> 00:31:06,200 Speaker 1: it's not fair. But my dad has dementia and he's 509 00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:10,440 Speaker 1: at the state where the majority of the time he sleeps, 510 00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:16,760 Speaker 1: you know. Um, he I had a moment, sucked me 511 00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:19,520 Speaker 1: up and they sucked me up, and no other words 512 00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:23,959 Speaker 1: for it. I went to go see him, and my 513 00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:31,000 Speaker 1: dad flirted with me. He thought I was my mom 514 00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:37,360 Speaker 1: and patted my ass. Shit. No, I left out of 515 00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:41,640 Speaker 1: there with this strange sound in my spirit. It was 516 00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:45,479 Speaker 1: a strange sound, and I don't I didn't know what 517 00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:49,440 Speaker 1: to do. But but just like these weirded out and crying, 518 00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:52,480 Speaker 1: and I had to, you know, realize, my dad doesn't 519 00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:56,600 Speaker 1: He don't know who I am. He has no idea 520 00:31:56,960 --> 00:32:00,440 Speaker 1: whatsoever if he don't see you every day. He really, really, 521 00:32:01,120 --> 00:32:05,200 Speaker 1: I didn't know who I was, you know, and that 522 00:32:05,640 --> 00:32:08,600 Speaker 1: was hard. And then before he had to go to 523 00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:12,120 Speaker 1: a home. My dad as an ex police officer, retired 524 00:32:12,120 --> 00:32:17,200 Speaker 1: police officer, and he had gotten to a point where 525 00:32:17,200 --> 00:32:21,000 Speaker 1: he couldn't stay at home anymore because sometimes he didn't 526 00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:24,280 Speaker 1: know who his wife was. Yeah, and if she wandering 527 00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:26,960 Speaker 1: the room and startled him, you know, he very well 528 00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:32,120 Speaker 1: could hurt her or you know, worse. So he was 529 00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:35,200 Speaker 1: putting to a home and it's just honestly, it's just 530 00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:41,160 Speaker 1: been downhill from there. The before that though, this was 531 00:32:41,200 --> 00:32:44,640 Speaker 1: the one that got me to he had been diagnosed. 532 00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:49,600 Speaker 1: I could tell because he had visited me in California 533 00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:54,240 Speaker 1: for famies. That's our our Christmas time. Um, they visited 534 00:32:54,520 --> 00:32:58,120 Speaker 1: for families, and he was driving and it was so reckless. 535 00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:02,280 Speaker 1: It was so scary that when I got back to 536 00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:04,600 Speaker 1: my family, I was like, Daddy can never drove again, 537 00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:09,240 Speaker 1: Like he could never drive again. And I knew it 538 00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:12,120 Speaker 1: was you know, it was progressing. The dementia was progressing. 539 00:33:12,440 --> 00:33:15,440 Speaker 1: The next day they were leaving, my sister and my 540 00:33:15,480 --> 00:33:18,680 Speaker 1: brother in law and my nephews were leaving, and uh, 541 00:33:19,400 --> 00:33:22,760 Speaker 1: I was standing next to my dad and he pushed me. 542 00:33:24,480 --> 00:33:27,680 Speaker 1: He pushed me like a stranger. He pushed me out 543 00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:34,920 Speaker 1: of the way to hug my sister. About oh hard though, 544 00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:40,320 Speaker 1: like real hard, like almost get out. Yeah, it was bad. 545 00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:43,000 Speaker 1: And there again I was just like, Okay, he doesn't 546 00:33:43,040 --> 00:33:45,400 Speaker 1: know who you know, He didn't know you at that moment, 547 00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:50,280 Speaker 1: you know, at that one moment he didn't know and I, oh, 548 00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:52,400 Speaker 1: I was I went through the whole thing, like that's 549 00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:55,800 Speaker 1: how he really feels about me, you know, I know, 550 00:33:57,920 --> 00:34:01,400 Speaker 1: but I did, but as dementia, But I did. I did. 551 00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:03,120 Speaker 1: I went through the whole thing, and I was like, 552 00:34:03,160 --> 00:34:05,640 Speaker 1: that's not my dad really feels about me. You know. 553 00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:08,520 Speaker 1: It's it's like when somebody's drunk. But that ain't it, 554 00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:10,800 Speaker 1: ain't it? You know, I was thinking, you know, truth 555 00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:16,560 Speaker 1: say you know, but I definitely did that. And that 556 00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:19,400 Speaker 1: was a lot. So, you know, him pushing me was 557 00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:21,880 Speaker 1: one thing, and then him going into the home and 558 00:34:22,239 --> 00:34:25,600 Speaker 1: flirting that was something else. Like it was like tearing 559 00:34:26,840 --> 00:34:30,400 Speaker 1: the relationship that I had, you know, with my father 560 00:34:30,560 --> 00:34:36,440 Speaker 1: apart just dementia. This was destroying it. Yeah, so it 561 00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:39,360 Speaker 1: made it really challenging for me to go and visit, 562 00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:44,120 Speaker 1: very hard. And you know, I have to say that 563 00:34:44,160 --> 00:34:48,560 Speaker 1: the staff where he was, they didn't help much, you know, 564 00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:51,560 Speaker 1: because I'm really there to visit my father, and they 565 00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:55,319 Speaker 1: would come in on our meetings and and you know, 566 00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:58,279 Speaker 1: when I talk about something, you know that I I 567 00:34:58,360 --> 00:35:00,799 Speaker 1: really I don't even have the headspace. I'm looking at 568 00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:03,799 Speaker 1: my father, who can't say words anymore. I'm looking at 569 00:35:03,800 --> 00:35:09,160 Speaker 1: my dad who just groans, you know, and you know 570 00:35:09,239 --> 00:35:13,560 Speaker 1: that was that was another challenging portion. But the last 571 00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:17,640 Speaker 1: time I went to visit him, there was nobody that 572 00:35:17,760 --> 00:35:22,759 Speaker 1: I knew in there. Yeah he was, he was, he 573 00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:28,880 Speaker 1: was gone. He's gone. So are you working on cherishing 574 00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:33,880 Speaker 1: what you knew? The man that you knew? How do 575 00:35:33,920 --> 00:35:36,319 Speaker 1: you take care of yourself in that way? And I 576 00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:43,680 Speaker 1: just I grieve him, Yeah, yeah, I grieve him, even 577 00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:46,640 Speaker 1: though his body is still alive. And you know, I 578 00:35:46,719 --> 00:35:52,080 Speaker 1: just grieve him. And my stepmother, you know, God bless her. 579 00:35:52,239 --> 00:35:55,520 Speaker 1: She definitely, you know, makes it a point to always 580 00:35:55,640 --> 00:35:58,800 Speaker 1: visit and to you know, to talk about him, and 581 00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:01,719 Speaker 1: you know, she goes there and before COVID and she's 582 00:36:01,760 --> 00:36:04,840 Speaker 1: watching a football game. She put a hat on him, 583 00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:07,680 Speaker 1: you know, Eagles and stuff. And after a while I 584 00:36:07,719 --> 00:36:11,760 Speaker 1: had to ask her to please stop, just stop sending 585 00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:15,320 Speaker 1: me pictures because he don't eat in there, he doesn't 586 00:36:15,400 --> 00:36:18,400 Speaker 1: look like he's in there, He doesn't seem aware of 587 00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:21,400 Speaker 1: his surroundings or what he's doing in any way, shape 588 00:36:21,480 --> 00:36:26,160 Speaker 1: or form. It was just painful. But she's she's dealing 589 00:36:26,200 --> 00:36:28,080 Speaker 1: with it. But I'm asking her not to make me 590 00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:31,239 Speaker 1: deal with you're dealing with it, because I can't take 591 00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:34,319 Speaker 1: it right, I can't take it. I find it, you know. 592 00:36:35,239 --> 00:36:38,280 Speaker 1: But you know, it's like when people put clothes on dogs. 593 00:36:38,920 --> 00:36:43,799 Speaker 1: You know that dog don't want that. Damn the boots on, 594 00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:50,399 Speaker 1: you know, like that's the only thing I can think 595 00:36:50,400 --> 00:36:54,760 Speaker 1: of at the moment. But just just yeah, I understand. 596 00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:58,200 Speaker 1: So the last time that I went, and I know 597 00:36:58,239 --> 00:37:02,279 Speaker 1: that it's the last time that I'm going, but I 598 00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:05,279 Speaker 1: send representatives just to see, you know, how he is 599 00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:08,480 Speaker 1: and how his room smells and all of those things. 600 00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:12,239 Speaker 1: And the last time that I went, and he just 601 00:37:12,400 --> 00:37:15,600 Speaker 1: was not in there and at all, I rubbed his 602 00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:18,399 Speaker 1: hand and I I smelled him. I used to I 603 00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:20,960 Speaker 1: loved the hair on his hand and on his on 604 00:37:21,080 --> 00:37:23,320 Speaker 1: his arm, and loved that hair. I could just rub 605 00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:25,440 Speaker 1: it and rub it. And I rubbed the hair and 606 00:37:25,480 --> 00:37:27,680 Speaker 1: I talked to him and I told him, you know, 607 00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:30,960 Speaker 1: all the places that I forgive him, you know, and 608 00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:33,719 Speaker 1: that I hope that he would forgive me too. And 609 00:37:34,120 --> 00:37:37,200 Speaker 1: you know, I let jet see me more in my father, 610 00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:42,839 Speaker 1: in front of my father, because because he's my son 611 00:37:43,719 --> 00:37:47,279 Speaker 1: and that's his grandfather, and I needed him to know 612 00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:50,919 Speaker 1: that I love my dad. I needed him to know that, 613 00:37:51,120 --> 00:37:54,400 Speaker 1: you know, even though you know, he's not himself anymore, 614 00:37:55,400 --> 00:37:59,920 Speaker 1: and he's in this place that that he needs because 615 00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:03,840 Speaker 1: it's it's he's heavy, like, you know, just trying to 616 00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:06,960 Speaker 1: take it's it's a lot, and he needs twenty four 617 00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:13,280 Speaker 1: hours care, you know, and consideration. So I cry real hard, 618 00:38:13,400 --> 00:38:17,040 Speaker 1: and I mean, who okay, the whole game and all 619 00:38:17,120 --> 00:38:19,760 Speaker 1: the snots, all the tears, all of it. I kissed 620 00:38:19,760 --> 00:38:28,160 Speaker 1: my father all over and I asked him to, you know, relinquish, yeah, 621 00:38:28,200 --> 00:38:33,640 Speaker 1: to to let go, because the only thing is it's 622 00:38:33,680 --> 00:38:39,840 Speaker 1: his body, you know, just just go. So as selfish 623 00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:43,640 Speaker 1: as that may seem to some people, I actually it wasn't. 624 00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:45,560 Speaker 1: I was really as you were talking to Jail, I 625 00:38:45,640 --> 00:38:48,080 Speaker 1: was like, damn, he's still here. So in a way, 626 00:38:48,120 --> 00:38:50,360 Speaker 1: I guess you feel like you can't even speak to 627 00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:54,040 Speaker 1: his spirit because he's still here. But when he's when 628 00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:57,040 Speaker 1: he's not here, you'll have his spirit, you'll have access 629 00:38:57,080 --> 00:39:00,440 Speaker 1: to it. And then it just so I'm just did 630 00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:04,640 Speaker 1: not It's a it's a limbo kind of feeling. Yeah, 631 00:39:04,239 --> 00:39:08,080 Speaker 1: it's like I feel so sorry, Like I feel like 632 00:39:08,120 --> 00:39:13,040 Speaker 1: he's trapped, right, Yeah, like he's just trapped. It makes 633 00:39:13,200 --> 00:39:16,319 Speaker 1: perfect sense. Oh boy, I mean it makes sense when 634 00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:19,560 Speaker 1: when the week that my father transition, let me let me, 635 00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:25,359 Speaker 1: let me just say this last part, thank you. I 636 00:39:25,480 --> 00:39:29,600 Speaker 1: walked out of there with Jack and I cried some more, 637 00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:35,279 Speaker 1: and a white butterfly landed on me and stayed for 638 00:39:35,320 --> 00:39:42,400 Speaker 1: a while and flew away, and I laughed. I was like, okay, Dad, okay, 639 00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:50,640 Speaker 1: like you know, just you know, those moments matter, those 640 00:39:50,719 --> 00:39:54,160 Speaker 1: moments matter, and that the fact that the butterfly landed 641 00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:56,359 Speaker 1: on me and stayed. I was like, thank you, Dad. 642 00:39:56,719 --> 00:39:59,480 Speaker 1: You know that we I just felt like we've made 643 00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:04,960 Speaker 1: our piece, you know, whatever piece that we needed because, 644 00:40:05,120 --> 00:40:07,120 Speaker 1: like I said, I was his god daughter for a 645 00:40:07,160 --> 00:40:10,200 Speaker 1: long time. And he wrote with that, I know that 646 00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:13,440 Speaker 1: I wouldn't you know what I'm saying like, I wouldn't. 647 00:40:13,440 --> 00:40:16,680 Speaker 1: I wouldn't ride with that. There's no way that I 648 00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:20,239 Speaker 1: wouldn't be like, wait a minute, hold up, this is 649 00:40:20,320 --> 00:40:24,080 Speaker 1: my baby, you know, so that whole not being claimed thing, 650 00:40:24,760 --> 00:40:28,120 Speaker 1: despite what anybody else is trying to say, um fun 651 00:40:28,280 --> 00:40:30,520 Speaker 1: with me. Did you have that conversation with him? Yes, 652 00:40:30,920 --> 00:40:34,040 Speaker 1: yes we did. We had that conversation. We had to 653 00:40:34,880 --> 00:40:38,880 Speaker 1: and why that he did the thing that you you 654 00:40:38,920 --> 00:40:42,120 Speaker 1: know you would have never dined well it's a tough 655 00:40:42,200 --> 00:40:46,279 Speaker 1: situation because this is my mother's story, that's right. So 656 00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:48,879 Speaker 1: I just okay, never mind, sorry, miss Joy, And I'm 657 00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:50,440 Speaker 1: not trying to get you into the trouble I've been in. 658 00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:55,719 Speaker 1: So I'm just it's her story to tell. But nonetheless, 659 00:40:56,360 --> 00:41:00,160 Speaker 1: they had an understanding, in an agreement. They proceeded in 660 00:41:00,200 --> 00:41:04,840 Speaker 1: life with that. He was not privy to that understanding 661 00:41:04,880 --> 00:41:09,239 Speaker 1: and agreement. All I knew is that my sister, you know, 662 00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:12,680 Speaker 1: was getting all of the Daddy and I was getting 663 00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:19,000 Speaker 1: guyfather vibes, you know, shout out to the guyfathers. But nonetheless, 664 00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:24,080 Speaker 1: you know, so that that was a that was the thing. 665 00:41:25,120 --> 00:41:27,120 Speaker 1: And I'm still you see me, I'm I'm still over 666 00:41:27,160 --> 00:41:31,680 Speaker 1: here clutching my pearls because you know, he's still he's 667 00:41:32,120 --> 00:41:36,759 Speaker 1: trapped in there. I just feel like he's or he 668 00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:41,440 Speaker 1: you saw the butterfly, the body, the yeah, you know, 669 00:41:41,600 --> 00:41:45,359 Speaker 1: and maybe maybe he's only you know what I mean. 670 00:41:45,600 --> 00:41:49,200 Speaker 1: And we can't pretend to know that. We can't, we can't. 671 00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:51,759 Speaker 1: We don't know it. We don't know it, you know 672 00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:54,479 Speaker 1: what I'm saying. We can only put our intentions out there. 673 00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:57,440 Speaker 1: And you did you did you put your intentions out 674 00:41:57,480 --> 00:41:59,760 Speaker 1: there and the spirit communicated with you in the ways 675 00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:04,640 Speaker 1: that familiar to you. Yea receptors was open. Yeah, I 676 00:42:04,640 --> 00:42:07,879 Speaker 1: mean when I talked to God Jo at this point, 677 00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:10,359 Speaker 1: I'm like, listen, you know me, make a real plain, 678 00:42:10,640 --> 00:42:13,560 Speaker 1: make a real plain and simple for me, because you know, 679 00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:16,520 Speaker 1: when it's too convoluted, I go into myself and I 680 00:42:16,560 --> 00:42:19,319 Speaker 1: started thinking my own thoughts and things. Just make it real, 681 00:42:19,520 --> 00:42:23,600 Speaker 1: real simple, you know, please for me, Thank you kind 682 00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:28,120 Speaker 1: And I felt like that was confirmation for me. That's 683 00:42:28,160 --> 00:42:33,279 Speaker 1: what I needed. That my dad said, Okay, baby, more 684 00:42:33,320 --> 00:42:47,799 Speaker 1: conversation after this break. I think of these men and 685 00:42:47,840 --> 00:42:51,680 Speaker 1: what they know of a love and parenting and as 686 00:42:51,760 --> 00:42:57,080 Speaker 1: black men from a certain age group and a time period. 687 00:42:57,920 --> 00:43:01,759 Speaker 1: And not saying that this is not to excuse anything 688 00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:08,120 Speaker 1: that was done to anyone, right, but just how much 689 00:43:08,160 --> 00:43:10,719 Speaker 1: of these things are they really capable of, you know, 690 00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:14,160 Speaker 1: just in terms of just all of the all the 691 00:43:14,200 --> 00:43:16,640 Speaker 1: things that they have to grapple with and what they 692 00:43:16,719 --> 00:43:19,360 Speaker 1: just didn't understand and know he was talking about talking 693 00:43:19,400 --> 00:43:22,000 Speaker 1: to Kierra earlier, and he's such a part of a 694 00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:27,200 Speaker 1: newer generation of black fathers and husbands and fathers, but 695 00:43:27,280 --> 00:43:30,120 Speaker 1: particularly fathers because and he has a little girl, which 696 00:43:30,480 --> 00:43:33,560 Speaker 1: you know, right, And it's like, you know, they have 697 00:43:34,400 --> 00:43:39,520 Speaker 1: a skill set in a language of vocabulary and emotional vocabulary, 698 00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:49,160 Speaker 1: a life vocabulary that is different than what they wouldn't 699 00:43:49,239 --> 00:43:51,400 Speaker 1: have it and they wouldn't have it if not for 700 00:43:51,440 --> 00:43:55,439 Speaker 1: what our dads went through to. And that's the thing. 701 00:43:55,560 --> 00:43:59,040 Speaker 1: So I remember when during my dad's eight months, we 702 00:43:59,080 --> 00:44:01,240 Speaker 1: talked about a lot of and he told me something 703 00:44:01,239 --> 00:44:03,640 Speaker 1: that he had never told me before. He said, I 704 00:44:03,719 --> 00:44:07,520 Speaker 1: worried if my daughters would find good men to ship. 705 00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:11,359 Speaker 1: He said, I wondered. I worried if they would. He said, 706 00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:17,560 Speaker 1: for teen has mastered something that I never could. He said, 707 00:44:17,760 --> 00:44:21,560 Speaker 1: he understands how to hustle with his family and toughe 708 00:44:22,360 --> 00:44:26,080 Speaker 1: that's beautiful. He said. I didn't know how to do both. 709 00:44:28,239 --> 00:44:31,520 Speaker 1: And he said, and I'm so grateful that you found 710 00:44:31,640 --> 00:44:35,239 Speaker 1: someone that understood the things that I wasn't able to 711 00:44:35,239 --> 00:44:37,520 Speaker 1: teach you about. But he didn't have the resources to 712 00:44:37,560 --> 00:44:39,759 Speaker 1: do it. Also like and saying if he did, but 713 00:44:39,800 --> 00:44:44,120 Speaker 1: he didn't have any It's just so different different times. 714 00:44:45,080 --> 00:44:47,799 Speaker 1: It's just so interesting. So of course, yeah, you're right, 715 00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:50,560 Speaker 1: And as I pulled back the layers, and also too, 716 00:44:50,640 --> 00:44:53,600 Speaker 1: as I've learned more about history in general. It helped 717 00:44:53,600 --> 00:44:56,360 Speaker 1: me put my own father into contact. You know, we 718 00:44:56,480 --> 00:45:00,120 Speaker 1: know that our dads went to war, right, No, your 719 00:45:00,200 --> 00:45:05,800 Speaker 1: dad went to war opposed girl, That is truromatic. Yeah, 720 00:45:05,960 --> 00:45:09,439 Speaker 1: I'm so glad minded yes, because you're right. My dad 721 00:45:09,480 --> 00:45:13,560 Speaker 1: went from an orphanage to war. Baby. My dad's my 722 00:45:13,640 --> 00:45:16,360 Speaker 1: dad's father. His own father passed when he was thirty, 723 00:45:16,480 --> 00:45:19,120 Speaker 1: so you have a situation where he went to war. 724 00:45:19,440 --> 00:45:23,439 Speaker 1: My father also went to prison. Man, Can I tell 725 00:45:23,480 --> 00:45:25,799 Speaker 1: you my father didn't on the war, but his experiences 726 00:45:25,800 --> 00:45:29,160 Speaker 1: in the army were so traumatic that he was good 727 00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:32,440 Speaker 1: on it. He's like the things that I saw brown men, 728 00:45:33,400 --> 00:45:36,680 Speaker 1: I'm good on it. So you know, and I think 729 00:45:36,680 --> 00:45:40,000 Speaker 1: about these men and the kind of emotional I don't 730 00:45:40,000 --> 00:45:42,799 Speaker 1: a wheelhouse. Whatever we expect from them? What did what 731 00:45:42,880 --> 00:45:47,040 Speaker 1: the man say? We're within? Where where with the roll? Where? 732 00:45:47,080 --> 00:45:52,440 Speaker 1: Where with the roll that we we needed from them? 733 00:45:52,480 --> 00:45:55,160 Speaker 1: But that how can we really truly expect for them 734 00:45:55,200 --> 00:45:57,400 Speaker 1: to have deliberty? I don't know where my dad got 735 00:45:57,480 --> 00:45:59,360 Speaker 1: it from being born in nineteen thirty nine and the the 736 00:45:59,560 --> 00:46:03,040 Speaker 1: youngest of nine, I do not know. I don't know. 737 00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:06,239 Speaker 1: I don't know where he got his love from That's 738 00:46:06,239 --> 00:46:08,480 Speaker 1: why I know he he's a what you call that 739 00:46:08,640 --> 00:46:11,799 Speaker 1: unicorn in a way. So girl, and you know what, 740 00:46:12,000 --> 00:46:15,160 Speaker 1: and I hope that you're able to get a good 741 00:46:15,200 --> 00:46:18,760 Speaker 1: deal of his story. So as I'm working on old Asia, 742 00:46:18,800 --> 00:46:20,680 Speaker 1: I'm working on receiving better in that way and not 743 00:46:20,719 --> 00:46:22,320 Speaker 1: being a daughter and just going yeah, yeah, yeah, I 744 00:46:22,360 --> 00:46:25,240 Speaker 1: heard that story already. I'm I think we gotta be 745 00:46:25,239 --> 00:46:28,200 Speaker 1: better with that. Kids. And it's bad term. You know, 746 00:46:28,239 --> 00:46:30,359 Speaker 1: if you've recorded, you know what I mean, Just put 747 00:46:30,360 --> 00:46:32,520 Speaker 1: your little phone down and listen to you if I 748 00:46:32,560 --> 00:46:34,520 Speaker 1: have to talk about stuff, even though he said it 749 00:46:34,960 --> 00:46:39,960 Speaker 1: a thousand times, because those stories, my dad, those stories, 750 00:46:40,719 --> 00:46:44,960 Speaker 1: oh jelly. I was. I was in uh Kawaii and 751 00:46:45,160 --> 00:46:47,920 Speaker 1: they wanted me to sing a song. And I've got 752 00:46:47,960 --> 00:46:50,440 Speaker 1: this great picture of my father all young and his 753 00:46:50,600 --> 00:46:53,839 Speaker 1: little in his little uh what I was about to say, 754 00:46:53,880 --> 00:46:58,200 Speaker 1: costume uniform and he had one song, one song only, 755 00:46:58,239 --> 00:47:01,160 Speaker 1: and he will sing it all night. I got a 756 00:47:01,280 --> 00:47:10,640 Speaker 1: gal name jes As. I say, come back all the time. 757 00:47:10,680 --> 00:47:13,520 Speaker 1: And then he said, every time they would cheering celebration, 758 00:47:13,600 --> 00:47:17,320 Speaker 1: so I say it again. He said, I entertained everybody 759 00:47:17,360 --> 00:47:22,080 Speaker 1: all night long, and they would say that's all good. 760 00:47:23,400 --> 00:47:26,040 Speaker 1: I don't know. They might have just been bored. I've heard. 761 00:47:27,520 --> 00:47:29,279 Speaker 1: I'm gonna listen to my daddy tell me this story 762 00:47:29,360 --> 00:47:31,279 Speaker 1: one more time about his mama yanking him off the 763 00:47:31,280 --> 00:47:33,840 Speaker 1: stage because the kids were singing jumped down, turn around 764 00:47:33,840 --> 00:47:37,520 Speaker 1: Singabella Cotton, I'm jumped down turn around Thingabella. Hey, Oh 765 00:47:38,040 --> 00:47:42,000 Speaker 1: that not my son. That's not my son. My son 766 00:47:42,040 --> 00:47:46,759 Speaker 1: ain't about to do that that, grandma said, not my son, Grandma. Come. 767 00:47:48,920 --> 00:47:52,080 Speaker 1: My dad loved jazz. He was addicted to jazz. And 768 00:47:52,120 --> 00:47:54,680 Speaker 1: my father is famous for he's a d c native 769 00:47:54,840 --> 00:47:58,239 Speaker 1: sort of that is famous for having said that he 770 00:47:58,440 --> 00:48:02,480 Speaker 1: much prefers can pluge just version there. I go, there, 771 00:48:02,520 --> 00:48:08,839 Speaker 1: I know he must. Yeah, yeah, he much. He much 772 00:48:08,960 --> 00:48:14,520 Speaker 1: prefers King Pleasure's version of Moody's Mood for Love. I'm sorry, listen, 773 00:48:14,920 --> 00:48:18,040 Speaker 1: I'm sorry. DC people. You're gonna be mad at my daddy, 774 00:48:18,360 --> 00:48:21,080 Speaker 1: but don't be mad at him. We shouldn't compare. Shouldn't 775 00:48:21,080 --> 00:48:23,879 Speaker 1: compare my dad saying he was a big jazz head. 776 00:48:23,960 --> 00:48:26,680 Speaker 1: But my dad sang that song to us as kids 777 00:48:26,800 --> 00:48:32,960 Speaker 1: so much. Who's King Pleasure? That's the original James body 778 00:48:34,080 --> 00:48:39,279 Speaker 1: is James Pleasure? Yes, Jamesy with oh yeah, Jil, that's 779 00:48:39,320 --> 00:48:45,719 Speaker 1: the one right there. Yes, come on playing Jim. Please 780 00:48:45,920 --> 00:48:49,200 Speaker 1: just meet my daddy song too. Baby, you are the 781 00:48:49,360 --> 00:48:54,680 Speaker 1: soul who snaps my control. Such a funny thing. But 782 00:48:54,840 --> 00:49:00,040 Speaker 1: every time you hear me, never you give me is 783 00:49:00,160 --> 00:49:04,120 Speaker 1: here and I wrapped up in your magic. There's music 784 00:49:04,239 --> 00:49:07,960 Speaker 1: all around me, crazy music, music that keeps calling me 785 00:49:08,160 --> 00:49:15,560 Speaker 1: so very close to you. Chade me your slave, Come 786 00:49:15,600 --> 00:49:18,200 Speaker 1: into it me any little thing you want to anything, baby, 787 00:49:18,280 --> 00:49:22,880 Speaker 1: Just w thin getting next to you? Am I insane? 788 00:49:23,760 --> 00:49:29,320 Speaker 1: I really say? And then in your eyes right it 789 00:49:29,480 --> 00:49:34,719 Speaker 1: stars that shine up you get the clear skies. How 790 00:49:35,080 --> 00:49:37,600 Speaker 1: worry about you just came in my life without your 791 00:49:37,719 --> 00:49:44,600 Speaker 1: baby here? Don't have just they're wondering. Come on, ladies, 792 00:49:45,000 --> 00:49:50,560 Speaker 1: I'm really feeling in the move for now suits. Whoa 793 00:49:51,120 --> 00:49:57,040 Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for listening. Say 794 00:49:57,400 --> 00:50:01,560 Speaker 1: that el. The podcast shout out to the five is 795 00:50:03,840 --> 00:50:07,560 Speaker 1: thank you Ron st Clair, Thank you Ron st Clair, 796 00:50:08,440 --> 00:50:26,000 Speaker 1: Thank you, will Um, thank you, Richard Burris Grady, Hi, 797 00:50:26,480 --> 00:50:28,840 Speaker 1: if you have comments on something you said in this 798 00:50:29,000 --> 00:50:33,359 Speaker 1: episode called eight six six, Hey Jill, if you want 799 00:50:33,360 --> 00:50:36,480 Speaker 1: to add to this conversation that's eight six six four, 800 00:50:36,600 --> 00:50:39,879 Speaker 1: three nine, five four five by don't forget to tell 801 00:50:39,960 --> 00:50:42,759 Speaker 1: us your name and the episode you're referring to. You 802 00:50:42,920 --> 00:50:47,120 Speaker 1: might just hear your message on a future episode. Thank 803 00:50:47,160 --> 00:50:50,359 Speaker 1: you for listening to Jill Scott Presents Jay dot Il 804 00:50:50,560 --> 00:50:54,360 Speaker 1: the Podcast. This podcast is hosted by Jill Scott, Laya 805 00:50:54,480 --> 00:50:58,839 Speaker 1: st Clair and Agr Graden Danceller. It's executive producers are 806 00:50:58,920 --> 00:51:02,480 Speaker 1: Jill Scott, Sean g and Brian Calhoun. It's produced by 807 00:51:02,560 --> 00:51:06,200 Speaker 1: Layah st Clair and me Eve Jeff Coke. The editing 808 00:51:06,280 --> 00:51:15,319 Speaker 1: and sound design for this episode we're done by Christina Loranger. Guys, 809 00:51:15,360 --> 00:51:17,719 Speaker 1: can you hear this? Windows open? It's a little bit 810 00:51:18,360 --> 00:51:21,200 Speaker 1: mhm a little It's not gonna make you hot though, 811 00:51:21,200 --> 00:51:23,080 Speaker 1: because you know, I don't want you to start. You know, 812 00:51:23,560 --> 00:51:25,880 Speaker 1: I don't have these problems, right I don't. I'm just 813 00:51:25,960 --> 00:51:29,000 Speaker 1: warm because it's warm. Sure sure, sure, sure, sure sure. 814 00:51:35,640 --> 00:51:39,080 Speaker 1: J dot Ill is a production of I Heart Radio. 815 00:51:39,520 --> 00:51:42,759 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the I 816 00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:47,279 Speaker 1: heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to 817 00:51:47,400 --> 00:51:48,480 Speaker 1: your favorite shows.