Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central August sixth, twenty fifteen, Comedy
Speaker 1: Central's Worldviews headquarters in New York.
Speaker 2: This is the Daily Show with John Stewarts.
Speaker 3: Oh god, horr, happened to the Tall Show? Happy about
Speaker 3: the honey?
Speaker 1: Welcome to Italic Show. My name is John Stewart.
Speaker 4: Thank you very much for coming to him. Alright, got fun,
Speaker 4: I got I got big news. This is it, this
Speaker 4: is the final episode. And and and what a night,
Speaker 4: what a big, big night.
Speaker 1: A short time ago, the first Republican presidential debate wrapped
Speaker 1: up in Cleveland, and I think you'll all agree with me.
Speaker 5: It was.
Speaker 1: Incredible, so articulate. And because of that, even though it
Speaker 1: is our last night on the air, I feel a responsibility.
Speaker 1: But yet we all still remain alive. Last night on
Speaker 1: the air, I feel somewhat of a responsibility, nay, nay,
Speaker 1: an obligation to devote the entirety of our last show
Speaker 1: to our standard post debate full team coverage. And so
Speaker 1: standing by tonight outside of Cleveland's quick An Arena where
Speaker 1: the debates were held, We've got Jessica Williams joining us
Speaker 1: with the Bushcap. We've got Hassan minaj He's with Scott
Speaker 1: Walker's campaign. That's right, Jordan Clipper Trump. Jordan Clepper will
Speaker 1: be covering Donald Trump. And I want to ask you guys,
Speaker 1: what are your impressions of tonight's really interesting debate?
Speaker 6: Oh, man, John, I thought Jeb did well.
Speaker 5: Uh huh.
Speaker 2: Walker also solid, uh huh.
Speaker 7: And I can't believe Trump took out his penis.
Speaker 2: So late in the debate.
Speaker 1: It wasn't surprise. Now, obviously our coverage is a bit limited.
Speaker 1: We've limited to the top three candidates due to the
Speaker 1: size of the Republican field relative to the size of
Speaker 1: our current stable of correspondence. So unfortunately we can't really
Speaker 1: thank you. Oh this is an enormous ozip. Thank you
Speaker 1: for spontaneous leap Eiri in Cleveland.
Speaker 2: To help us. Yeah, I'll take Casic.
Speaker 1: Oh great, thank you. Okay, So that's okay. We've got
Speaker 1: four people.
Speaker 2: Covered now and now, oh my god.
Speaker 1: Al Al Madrigal is also thank you. Al. Who do
Speaker 1: you want to cover?
Speaker 8: Oh?
Speaker 9: I get it, Al, your Latino cover cruiser?
Speaker 1: Rubio?
Speaker 2: You discussed me Stewart.
Speaker 10: No, not Al.
Speaker 1: There's six remaining candidates. Take whoever you want. I'll take Rubio, please,
Speaker 1: all right. Well, at least we can cover five people,
Speaker 1: and that would.
Speaker 2: Be tribute over the law.
Speaker 1: Oh god, John Hodgman, Lewis Black, the contributors pitching in tonight.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for lending a hand to our coverage.
Speaker 1: John Hodgman, why don't you take Ran, Paul and h
Speaker 1: Lewis Black, Chris Christy, I.
Speaker 2: Get it, Louis sure, an angry asshole covert.
Speaker 8: Christie, you'll disgust me.
Speaker 1: What this is? Amazing? We were almost there. Kristin Shaw,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. This is this is I gotta
Speaker 1: tell you something. Though you're really dressed up for a debate.
Speaker 1: You look lovely.
Speaker 4: Well, John, you're still here.
Speaker 8: I thought, Trevor, it started by now.
Speaker 1: What I said? We'll miss you, all right? You two
Speaker 1: all right? All right? Eight out of ten candidates. Eight
Speaker 1: out of ten candidates I coverd Sam, I've missed you
Speaker 1: so much. Thank you for pitching in them, Oh John,
Speaker 1: thank you.
Speaker 9: There's no one else I would fly to Cleveland in.
Speaker 11: August to help cover.
Speaker 12: I mean, wait, I'm sorry, who's left?
Speaker 1: Uh Ben Carson or Huckabee? Oh my god? You all right?
Speaker 1: Oh damn it? Nine out of ten? Damn so close
Speaker 1: it would have been great if lucid.
Speaker 3: John, I don't.
Speaker 1: Is that. I don't know what to say. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry.
Speaker 11: See John, there's a lot of applause. There's a lot
Speaker 11: of applause here in Cleveland. That's right, John, Tonight, I
Speaker 11: heart Huckabee, Steve.
Speaker 1: I gotta say this. This is for me. It's it's
Speaker 1: it's very touching that you would come back after twelve
Speaker 1: years and do that.
Speaker 11: I never left, John. Becoming an international superstar is just
Speaker 11: something I did while waiting for my next assignment. We've
Speaker 11: all just been waiting, John, the whole time.
Speaker 1: I've been waiting the whole time. I can't.
Speaker 13: I we've all been waiting a really long time.
Speaker 9: John, Where do you get off? I have two children
Speaker 9: to raise.
Speaker 11: And I have three?
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, has everyone have all the correspondence? Just
Speaker 1: been just been waiting around like it's been sixteen and
Speaker 1: a half years. That that can't be What about like
Speaker 1: vance degenerous in Morocco? Are they we're here, John, They
Speaker 1: couldn't be here, that we're.
Speaker 13: Here, John, Oh my god, I can't believe you got
Speaker 13: We're here. We're here down on Wall Street, John, ready to.
Speaker 9: Do our signature dollars and cents coverage.
Speaker 1: It's been so long since since that bit was done
Speaker 1: on the show. I can't believe you guys are here
Speaker 1: to just now do a financial segment.
Speaker 12: Yeah, well apparently there wasn't much financial news to.
Speaker 11: Cover this past decade.
Speaker 1: All right, Well that's you know, you do the best
Speaker 1: day the day we will tell everybody tell wow, oh
Speaker 1: may Dave. I wouldn't miss this for the world. Let
Speaker 1: me tell you something, John, You've done it. Sixteen years
Speaker 1: of great TV, next stop podcast podcast. This is this
Speaker 1: is unbelievable. How far back are we gonna go with
Speaker 1: these reports? Okay, so we have time for one more question?
Speaker 2: All right there, yes you uh the old guy.
Speaker 1: Oh hey, Matt Wallah, Stan Bagoto, it's me John Stewart.
Speaker 1: You're on my show now, not not your show.
Speaker 5: What do you mean our show?
Speaker 3: Me?
Speaker 1: You play the congressman, that's the press secretary. But before that,
Speaker 1: you were, of course bonds on the Daily Show. So I
Speaker 1: was expressing happiness that you came back here and we're
Speaker 1: done here, thank you. I just I just want to say,
Speaker 1: why was that hey? Ask an answered asshole?
Speaker 2: Yeah face, we're done here, all right, excuse me, John,
Speaker 2: excuse me?
Speaker 8: What?
Speaker 3: Oh my god, this is amazing.
Speaker 9: Yeah, I fat I'd stop back because I got nothing
Speaker 9: else to night.
Speaker 1: They show got bumped, So sorry about that.
Speaker 9: Larry Black shows matter, John, that's.
Speaker 5: Well, where's Jones anyway?
Speaker 1: Jason Jones? Oh you didn't hear. He's in Georgia filming
Speaker 1: a new show. Larry, why don't you throw it to him?
Speaker 1: Gonna work it will if you believe. Oh jesus, all right,
Speaker 1: I didn't know that. Well, let me let me try it.
Speaker 1: Let me see what I can do here. All right,
Speaker 1: that's weird. Let's see if I can do it. Let's
Speaker 1: go to Jason Jones. That one.
Speaker 14: Thanks John. Let me just say I am so happy
Speaker 14: you're gonna have some well deserved time off to watch
Speaker 14: my brand new television show, The Detour on TBS.
Speaker 1: Well, obviously you must be busy, so I'll let you
Speaker 1: get back.
Speaker 14: Thanks for asking, John. It is a hilarious new comedy
Speaker 14: show coming soon on TBS.
Speaker 1: Thanks thanks Jason.
Speaker 5: The Detour TBS.
Speaker 1: What an oddly crossed promotional move by Uh but hey, John,
Speaker 1: what the joplan?
Speaker 8: What's up?
Speaker 2: Do you want to leave the show man?
Speaker 5: Right?
Speaker 1: You played old off the snowman in Frozen. That's right,
Speaker 1: I did. I'm a show business god, John among eight
Speaker 1: year olds. That's Disney money, bitch.
Speaker 2: Wow, wow, oh John, John, this.
Speaker 10: Is intent so many, so many old faces.
Speaker 1: Gordery. I can't even believe you're back here, Rob here,
Speaker 1: give me no, you just Stopordy. Everybody Wow, I can't.
Speaker 3: I'm like, I'm like.
Speaker 1: Knocked out yet.
Speaker 10: I didn't want to. I didn't want to do this.
Speaker 10: It's just it's very embarrassing. It's just that everybody here.
Speaker 10: You guys, you're like family, you know, especially you John.
Speaker 10: You You're like the brother I never had.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Robic sip. I'm I think you
Speaker 1: have a brother. I think.
Speaker 2: No, No, I don't.
Speaker 12: I don't think you're right about that.
Speaker 1: I think you. I think you have a brother, Rob
Speaker 1: And I think his name is is Nate. And he
Speaker 1: actually was a correspondent here too. Nate.
Speaker 8: N Nate does not ring a bell. It was me,
Speaker 8: I think you did. I'm Nate.
Speaker 9: I'm Nate Cordrey.
Speaker 14: I'm your brother.
Speaker 2: Come on, card come on, rahme on.
Speaker 3: I told you to wait in the car, in the
Speaker 3: trunk of the car.
Speaker 8: Go.
Speaker 10: I am sorry, John you should check in with your
Speaker 10: other correspondence.
Speaker 1: All right, I'm all right, I will let me wait.
Speaker 1: What's that sound, I'll check in with another course, Lord Vader,
Speaker 1: is that you, Stuart?
Speaker 5: I am more machine than man, twisted and evil, responsible
Speaker 5: for the deaths of billions of sentient beings. But it
Speaker 5: has come to my attention you have been comparing me
Speaker 5: to Dick Cheney. That seems a bit harsh.
Speaker 1: I just thought there was something sith lordy about you
Speaker 1: and him, and I just thought that was just be clear.
Speaker 5: There is the dark side and then there's whatever he
Speaker 5: calls his sick thing.
Speaker 1: No, I didn't mean it.
Speaker 5: The feeling leads to anger. Anger leads to hate, and
Speaker 5: hate leads to shooting your friend in the face.
Speaker 1: Thank you, Lord Vader. Wow, that was that was intense. Si,
Speaker 1: Lord has a correspondent, you know, speaking of shooting. Let's
Speaker 1: go overseas to our Middle East correspondent, bostrom usaf Bossom.
Speaker 1: Are you there, John?
Speaker 9: I knew that they would eventually get to you.
Speaker 1: Who's shutting you down? The White House?
Speaker 15: The Secret Police, thanks Obama.
Speaker 1: No, no one's shutting the show down, Boston. I'm leaving
Speaker 1: because I want to whoa, that's it? Yeah? What oh?
Speaker 8: John?
Speaker 1: Is me Michael Jay's recording Live the Left. You know, Michael,
Speaker 1: it's great to see you, but you were a correspondent
Speaker 1: for like three weeks.
Speaker 9: I don't know.
Speaker 1: If it weren't in a full cameo, you know, it
Speaker 1: could have been. Maybe it's nice.
Speaker 14: Well maybe some of us just like changing jobs before
Speaker 14: the as groove in our desk chair is old enough
Speaker 14: to vote that.
Speaker 1: I got to say that hurts a little bit, you know.
Speaker 1: I tried to do a good thing and let you
Speaker 1: do uh some some bits for us and then we
Speaker 1: could go through and get and get some actually actually, hey, Trevor,
Speaker 1: could you give me like twenty more minutes and then.
Speaker 9: Before oh oh, I'm oh, I'm I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1: It's cool. It's great to see You're gonna be great.
Speaker 1: I'm so thank you. But it's gonna just real quick
Speaker 1: if you know.
Speaker 8: Sure.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's good, John, Thank you, buys that day. We'll
Speaker 1: do it later. You know what. That that reminds me.
Speaker 1: It's not the first time that they've had to retailer
Speaker 1: the suits here. You're finally getting canceled.
Speaker 3: John.
Speaker 1: I hate to say it, but I know you're gonna
Speaker 1: run this thing into the ground. Well, it's good to
Speaker 1: see you too, Craig, you know it's oh my god.
Speaker 6: Olivia mon Olivia, Okayla Olivia, thank you so much, so
Speaker 6: nice to see you, are you God?
Speaker 1: You didn't have to bring me a cake that's lowly, of.
Speaker 8: Course I did.
Speaker 15: It's your seventieth birthday.
Speaker 1: Not likes. It's it's not my birthday, and I'm not
Speaker 1: seventy hours. What is it like? Somebody thought?
Speaker 9: No, you do not look eighty.
Speaker 1: No, it's not eighty. It's neither one of these. It's
Speaker 1: this is lovely and but it's not what. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: come on, John, I've come to take you out of here, buddy,
Speaker 1: Hey man, what's that girl? Wriggle? What are you doing?
Speaker 1: Put me down? Wriggle, No way, Jose. You're coming with
Speaker 1: me if you want to live what We're having a
Speaker 1: nice celebration here. No need to go ramboats you sweet
Speaker 1: naive frail tiny little yes? Oh did I say frail?
Speaker 1: You did say frail? Do you have any idea the
Speaker 1: trail of hate that you've left behind? Roll to twelve.
Speaker 12: I'm Paul Brown, CEO of Arby's brought to you tonight
Speaker 12: by John Stewart.
Speaker 2: John Stewart, It's like your TV threw up on your face.
Speaker 1: I'll never forget you, John, but I will be trying
Speaker 1: good and smart ass. Don't go come back, John, I'm
Speaker 1: being sarcastic.
Speaker 9: And just when I'm running for president? What a bummer?
Speaker 8: Say you?
Speaker 9: Pip squeak?
Speaker 1: What happens?
Speaker 8: Nine and a half fingers and won't miss you at all?
Speaker 1: This guy, John, I just don't know what to say.
Speaker 8: I'm sure you'd be missed by somebody.
Speaker 1: You know. There are a lot of things happening around
Speaker 1: the world that keep me up at night, which is
Speaker 1: why I've relied on you to put me to sleep.
Speaker 1: Have fun feeding your rabbits. Quitter, I'm John Stewart, I'm dumb.
Speaker 1: I'm stupid.
Speaker 16: Yea yea yeah soon, jack Ass.
Speaker 1: That stings. I'm not gonna say that didn't sting a
Speaker 1: little bit. That was awesome, Bay, look great.
Speaker 9: Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: It's so great to see you, Ed.
Speaker 9: And it's wonderful to see you.
Speaker 1: That's right. You did love to sing. I do. I
Speaker 1: like to sing.
Speaker 12: I like to make movies with my friends, and of
Speaker 12: course I have my real passion which is running the
Speaker 12: Rocky Mountain Institute for Men.
Speaker 9: Who get more distinguished and handsome as they ate.
Speaker 1: I've heard of that, and actually, well this is It's
Speaker 1: kind of nice that you're here because I'm going to
Speaker 1: be having some free time. Perhaps I could stop by
Speaker 1: the institute just for a quick visit at the institute. No,
Speaker 1: all right, I mean yeah, I guess you're right. It
Speaker 1: just doesn't what the is that? I know that?
Speaker 2: Boys, I know that voice that why why where are you?
Speaker 1: Where are you?
Speaker 2: Why?
Speaker 1: Hey? Why it? I can't hear you for the crazy applause?
Speaker 1: Are you across the street? Maybe? Well, you look like
Speaker 1: you're right across the street. Are you coming over?
Speaker 8: I'm thinking about it.
Speaker 1: I got some balls, I.
Speaker 2: Got some balls in the air.
Speaker 1: All right, you good?
Speaker 5: Yeah, I'm good.
Speaker 1: You good? Yeah, I'm good. I'd love to see it.
Speaker 17: I think about it.
Speaker 5: My social media is blown up.
Speaker 1: I hear you, Hey, John, but checking one left turn
Speaker 1: to Guantanamo Bay with our own friend of Longtimey Tainty.
Speaker 1: It's get mo hey, get mo yay. What a good day?
Speaker 7: Yeay?
Speaker 1: Oh my god?
Speaker 2: Give and jumpst it finally getting out?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, giveme, I got some news. I'm leaving, but
Speaker 1: they didn't really ever close Guantanamo. So it's not like
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm I'm going, but you not.
Speaker 10: Leave.
Speaker 1: Oh Chunce Steward, Yeah, I'm yeah. Y. We'll get you
Speaker 1: out of that. We'll get you out of there. Are
Speaker 1: you running? Yeah?
Speaker 15: Well to see it, I have to say, John, I
Speaker 15: just have to say, working here meant the world to me.
Speaker 15: I have such great memories, starting with my very first day.
Speaker 1: So let's just dive in. Sure.
Speaker 15: I remember for breakfast there were egg sandwiches. Now I
Speaker 15: chose the egg whites, and that's an interesting choice. Not
Speaker 15: tell me why, because I hear you're getting the protein.
Speaker 15: You know you're getting the protein, but also you're leave
Speaker 15: yourself open for a second sandwich.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so that's why.
Speaker 1: So that's why I went with the egg whites. Listen,
Speaker 1: this is our fascinating We're gonna have to pick up
Speaker 1: the pace just this mor No, no.
Speaker 15: No, no, no, no, no no no, John, we can't.
Speaker 15: When something's important, it's worth taking the time to discuss
Speaker 15: it in depth. I'm talking fifteen, eighteen, even twenty minutes.
Speaker 15: Say if necessary, otherwise, what are you really doing?
Speaker 1: No? I hear you, I hear but eventually we do
Speaker 1: have to go to commercial.
Speaker 15: So it's not hold on, what the fuck is a commercial?
Speaker 1: No, what do you talk about?
Speaker 2: You're talking madness?
Speaker 3: Boys, that's wow, this is this is a married I
Speaker 3: have to say, ladies and gentlemen, this is amazing.
Speaker 1: That's it. That's that's all. I have. My thanks to
Speaker 1: everybody over all these years. When you look at the
Speaker 1: talent that's passed through these doors, Uh, it had been
Speaker 1: hard to screw this show up. I just want to
Speaker 1: thank everybody who lent their talents to this program. It
Speaker 1: meant the.
Speaker 2: Exciting, shy and it's been something about I understand.
Speaker 1: Calm down, I got.
Speaker 3: It, I got it.
Speaker 1: It's thank you.
Speaker 2: Yes, the moment, Yeah, John, it's really you just a moment,
Speaker 2: aren't you?
Speaker 12: Aren't you forgetting someone?
Speaker 1: John?
Speaker 12: You can't possibly leave without saying goodbye to your Sam?
Speaker 8: Wait?
Speaker 1: Who's Sam? I am? John? Here's what am I? Diane?
Speaker 8: What is his?
Speaker 1: Cheers?
Speaker 10: Well?
Speaker 1: I understand?
Speaker 9: No, John, don't you see you're fro do?
Speaker 1: Wait you're Sam? I'm Frodo? How am I frodo? Why
Speaker 1: are you frodo?
Speaker 2: John?
Speaker 12: One of us is adult size and does not have
Speaker 12: hairy toes.
Speaker 1: And John Point taking John.
Speaker 12: Like Frodo, you were leaving us on a voyage to
Speaker 12: the undying Lens.
Speaker 1: I'm just going to New Jerseys.
Speaker 12: There for sixteen years, you and your Basic Cable fellowship
Speaker 12: of funny clutched that ring of power and trudged up
Speaker 12: the steep slopes of Mount Doom.
Speaker 1: We didn't trudge so much. It's just what's what's the
Speaker 1: ring in this metaphor?
Speaker 12: The ring of power in this metaphor is a metaphor
Speaker 12: for power, a power, a power to be a player
Speaker 12: in the world of media and Washington politics.
Speaker 1: But I don't really want that. So it's not that.
Speaker 12: John, you know who else didn't want that?
Speaker 1: Prodo your words, John.
Speaker 12: Proto thought, surely Soromon would know they meant to destroy
Speaker 12: the ring. But I don't have to tell you what
Speaker 12: Gandalf said about that.
Speaker 1: You're You're just gonna tell me though, weren't you?
Speaker 8: He said?
Speaker 12: And I'm paraphrasing here, even though I could do it
Speaker 12: verbatim if I wanted.
Speaker 2: He said.
Speaker 12: He said, My fellow Americans, it has not entered into
Speaker 12: Souren's darkest dreams that we would seek to destroy rather
Speaker 12: than we or this hideous power, and in Gandalf's metaphor
Speaker 12: here power also stood for power.
Speaker 1: I just want to say that I am so touched
Speaker 1: that everybody could be here tonight and me too. John.
Speaker 9: Is there a party or anything?
Speaker 12: Because I brought a lot of people from CBS and
Speaker 12: I told them that I know you.
Speaker 1: Yes, there is a party and you can go to it.
Speaker 1: Stephen Colbert, everybody will do right, Actually, John.
Speaker 12: John, Actually, now place it down. Actually, John, we're not
Speaker 12: quite done.
Speaker 1: Just a moment. John.
Speaker 12: No, you can't stop anyone because they.
Speaker 9: Don't work for you anymore.
Speaker 12: Huge mistake, John, It'll be quick if you just told still, John,
Speaker 12: I've been asked and have the privilege to say something
Speaker 12: to you that is.
Speaker 9: Not in the prompter.
Speaker 12: Right now, Here's the thing John, you said to me
Speaker 12: and too many other people here years ago, never to
Speaker 12: thank you because we owe you nothing.
Speaker 9: It is one of the few times I've known you
Speaker 9: to be dead wrong.
Speaker 12: We owe you, and not just what you did for
Speaker 12: our career by employing us to come on this tremendous
Speaker 12: show that you made.
Speaker 9: We owe you because we learn from you.
Speaker 12: We learn from you by example how to do a
Speaker 12: show with intention, how to we'll work with clarity how
Speaker 12: to treat people with respect.
Speaker 9: You are infuriatingly good at your job.
Speaker 17: Okay, who were.
Speaker 9: Lucky enough to work with you?
Speaker 12: And you can edit this out later.
Speaker 9: All of us who were.
Speaker 12: Lucky enough to work with you for sixteen years are
Speaker 12: better at our jobs because we got to watch you
Speaker 12: do yours, and we are better people for having known you.
Speaker 12: You are a great artist and a good man, and
Speaker 12: personally I do not know how this son of a
Speaker 12: poor Appalachian turd miner.
Speaker 8: I do not know.
Speaker 12: I do not know what I would do if you
Speaker 12: hadn't brought me on the show. I'd be back in
Speaker 12: those hills mining turns with happy John. You know by
Speaker 12: now I have I'd have dune on me. Okay, So John,
Speaker 12: and it's almost over. I know you are not asking
Speaker 12: for this, but on behalf of so many people whose
Speaker 12: lives you changed over the past sixteen years. Thank you,
Speaker 12: And now I believe your line and correct me if
Speaker 12: I'm wrong.
Speaker 9: This is We'll be right back.
Speaker 1: T back anyway about the debates, I don't have anything
Speaker 1: for you. We've seen the correspondence, We've met everyone who
Speaker 1: works here, and now I feel like I should price
Speaker 1: this so maybe one last time, maybe, if you want to,
Speaker 1: maybe a little camera three. Bullshit is everywhere. Are the
Speaker 1: kids still in here? We'll deal with that later. Bullshit
Speaker 1: is everywhere. There is very little that you will encounter
Speaker 1: in life that has not been in some ways infused
Speaker 1: with bullshit, not all of it bad. General, day to day, organic,
Speaker 1: free range bullshit is often necessary or at the very
Speaker 1: least innocuous. Oh what a beautiful baby.
Speaker 12: I'm sure it'll grow into that.
Speaker 1: That kind of bullshit anyways, provides important social contract fertilizer
Speaker 1: and keeps people from making each other cross all day.
Speaker 1: But then there's the more pernicious bullshit, your premeditated, institutional bullshit,
Speaker 1: designed to obscure and distract, designed by whom, the bullshitocracy.
Speaker 1: It comes in three basic flavors. One making bad things
Speaker 1: sound like good things. Organic all natural cupcakes because factory
Speaker 1: made sugar oatmeal balls doesn't sell. Patriot Act because are
Speaker 1: you scared enough to let me look at all your
Speaker 1: phone records?
Speaker 9: Act doesn't sell.
Speaker 1: So whenever something's been titled freedom, Family, Fairness, health America,
Speaker 1: take a good long sniff. Chances are it's been manufactured
Speaker 1: in a facility may contain traces of bullshit. Number two,
Speaker 1: the second way, hiding the bad things under mountains of
Speaker 1: bullshit complexity. You know, I would love to download Drizzy's
Speaker 1: latest Meek Milldiss. Everyone promised me that that made sense,
Speaker 1: but I'm not really interested right now in reading Tolstoy's
Speaker 1: iTunes agreement, so I'll just click agree, even if it
Speaker 1: grants Apple prima nade with my spouse. Here's another one,
Speaker 1: simply put, Simply put, banks shouldn't be able to bet
Speaker 1: your pension money on red Bullshitly put, it's hey, this
Speaker 1: DoD frank. Hey, a handful of billionaires can't buy our elections, right,
Speaker 1: of course not. They can only pour unlimited anonymous cash
Speaker 1: into a five oh one C four if fifty percent
Speaker 1: is devoted to issue education. Otherwise they'd have to five
Speaker 1: oh one C six it or funnel it openly through
Speaker 1: a non campaign coordinating superpack with a quarter. I think
Speaker 1: they're asleep. Now we can sneak out and finally, finally,
Speaker 1: it's the bullshit of infinite possibility. These bullshitters cover their
Speaker 1: unwillingness to act under the guise of unending inquiry. We
Speaker 1: can't do anything because we don't yet know everything. We
Speaker 1: cannot take action on climate change until everyone in the
Speaker 1: world degrees. Gay marriage vaccines won't cause our children to
Speaker 1: marry goats who are gonna come for our guns. Until then,
Speaker 1: I say, teach the controversy. Now, the good news is
Speaker 1: this bullshitters have gotten pretty lazy and their work is
Speaker 1: easily detective, and looking forward is kind of a pleasant
Speaker 1: way to pass the time, like an I spy of bullshit.
Speaker 1: So I say to you tonight, friends, the best defense
Speaker 1: against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something,
Speaker 1: we'll do a All right, everybody, that is our program. Now.
Speaker 1: There are so many people to thank that I cannot
Speaker 1: plausibly do it in the amount of time allotted. Comedy
Speaker 1: Central gave me this opportunity sixteen and a half years ago.
Speaker 1: The people that worked here gave me the talent and
Speaker 1: inspiration to develop it over all those years. It's the
Speaker 1: most incredible place. Honestly, today it still feels like a
Speaker 1: dream a little bit, and walking around the building today,
Speaker 1: nobody was making eye contact because I think there's so
Speaker 1: much love and pride filling the building right now that
Speaker 1: we just don't want to drown it in Salien so
Speaker 1: there's a lot of this, so that script is ready,
Speaker 1: so everybody's making moves with salty goggles on. I just
Speaker 1: I can't thank the people who work here enough, and
Speaker 1: I can't thank Comedy Central enough, and I can't thank
Speaker 1: the audience enough. Your support and enthusiasm over the years
Speaker 1: has brought to us. Don't don't think that that the
Speaker 1: energy that you put out is not received on those
Speaker 1: days where we just feel like we don't have it
Speaker 1: and we well, I'm very fond of you as well, sir.
Speaker 1: It seemed awfully gravelly. I want to thank my wife Tracy,
Speaker 1: and my kids, Nate and Maggie, and I'm not going
Speaker 1: to look over there for teaching me what joy looks like.
Speaker 1: And an artist I really admire. One said that he
Speaker 1: thinks of his career as a long conversation with the audience,
Speaker 1: a dialogue, and I really like that metaphor for many
Speaker 1: different reasons, but the main one is because it takes
Speaker 1: away the idea of finality. This is just it's a conversation.
Speaker 1: This show is an ending. We're merely taking a small
Speaker 1: pause in the conversation, a conversation which, by the way,
Speaker 1: I have hogged and I apologize for that.
Speaker 9: You.
Speaker 1: I never really I should have at some point during
Speaker 1: the camera round and seemed like, so do you guys
Speaker 1: have anything to n or anything. I've really been dominating
Speaker 1: this in a very selfish way, but I thought that
Speaker 1: was a remarkable way of getting to that. Nothing ends,
Speaker 1: It's just a continuation. It's a pause in the conversation.
Speaker 1: So rather than saying goodbye or good night, I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna say I'm gonna go get a drink and I'm
Speaker 1: sure i'll see you guys before I leave. So that's
Speaker 1: our show. I thank you so much for the privilege
Speaker 1: of being able to perform it for you, for the
Speaker 1: privilege of being able to do it. And so here
Speaker 1: it is. My moment is in.
Speaker 6: From the most trusted journalists at Comedy sept It's America's.
Speaker 1: Only sorts for news. This is The Daily Show with
Speaker 1: your host Shant. Thank you, welcome, Welcome to the Daily Show.
Speaker 1: My name is Joe Sewart. Now where was I I'm
Speaker 1: excited to be back. I'm very excited about it. Go
Speaker 1: to see you guys, been to see you guys. Why
Speaker 1: am I back? You may be asking yourselves, it's a
Speaker 1: very reasonable question. I have committed a lot of crimes
Speaker 1: from what I understand, talk show host or granted immunity.
Speaker 1: So it doesn't doesn't make a lot of sense. But
Speaker 1: take it up with the founders. I don't know. We're
Speaker 1: gonna have so much. We're gonna talk about this year.
Speaker 1: Obviously elections. Maybe we'll talk about China, Maybe we'll talk
Speaker 1: about Ai. Maybe something a little lighter, Israel, Palestine, who
Speaker 1: knows when you consider the election.
Speaker 17: Bot John pro Frick, Oh.
Speaker 1: Jordan Klepper, everybody I didn't see there. He must have
Speaker 1: snug up. Shouldn't you be out somewhere talking to insurrectionists
Speaker 1: in a parking lot?
Speaker 9: Oh? Biting, John biting.
Speaker 7: You must be so proud of yourself, all these little
Speaker 7: satirical bits exposing the absurdities of our political process.
Speaker 1: I mean, it was fun. We had a fun day.
Speaker 1: We had fun making this stuff up. Oh, I bet
Speaker 1: it was.
Speaker 7: Did you save democracy yet?
Speaker 5: No?
Speaker 7: Your nineties brand of snark in both siderism?
Speaker 9: Oh George Bush is dumb? Oh Gorge so boring? Wow?
Speaker 1: Seyring, John, I wasn't really trying to save democracy.
Speaker 7: I was just trying to All you do is brainwash
Speaker 7: voters into accepting a corrosive status quo when they could
Speaker 7: be out marching in the streets to affect change.
Speaker 9: Frankly, you discussed me.
Speaker 1: I can tell that from the tone of your voice
Speaker 1: on there. But you know, Jordan, I'm here like once
Speaker 1: a week, Like, seriously, what do you what do you
Speaker 1: want from me?
Speaker 9: It's like, wait, days, you're only here once a week.
Speaker 7: Who's hosting the show?
Speaker 9: Deep other days the week?
Speaker 1: The news team? Jordan, you're in fact, you're the host
Speaker 1: this whole week after I leave Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday to you.
Speaker 9: It's great having you, buddy.
Speaker 12: I gotta tell you that this is gonna be so
Speaker 12: much fun.
Speaker 7: What we're doing here is important, John, I can't wait
Speaker 7: to change the world with you, my friend.
Speaker 1: Thanks very much, really nice to see it.
Speaker 2: Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
Speaker 2: searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
Speaker 2: The Daily Show weeknights at eleven.
Speaker 12: Ten Central on Comedy Central, and.
Speaker 5: Stream full episodes anytime on Paramount
Speaker 8: Plus Paramount Podcasts