WEBVTT - Selects: How Temper Tantrums Work 0:00:00.800 --> 0:00:03.480 I don't want to do with select. My name's Chuck. 0:00:03.960 --> 0:00:06.040 I don't want to pick out a select and do 0:00:06.080 --> 0:00:08.600 an intro for this one. I don't want to work. 0:00:09.880 --> 0:00:12.640 See that was play acting everyone. This is called how 0:00:12.680 --> 0:00:15.720 Temper Tantrums work, And that was an example of a 0:00:15.800 --> 0:00:20.520 temper tantrum. This is from and it was a good one. 0:00:20.600 --> 0:00:22.919 It was um before I had a kid, and it 0:00:22.960 --> 0:00:26.760 really was instructive on how things were gonna go once 0:00:26.800 --> 0:00:28.200 I did have a kid. But I gotta tell you, 0:00:28.480 --> 0:00:30.600 I'm five years into this thing, and she's great. She 0:00:30.880 --> 0:00:33.160 rarely ever has thrown temper tantrums in her whole life. 0:00:33.520 --> 0:00:35.239 She can be a real paint in the butt, but 0:00:35.400 --> 0:00:37.840 she's never been a tantrum thrower. So I'm gonna listen 0:00:37.960 --> 0:00:45.320 to this one again. Actually right along with you. Welcome 0:00:45.440 --> 0:00:54.520 to Stuff you should Know, a production of I Heart Radio. Hey, 0:00:54.560 --> 0:00:57.440 and welcome to the podcast. I'm Josh Clark Bush, Charles 0:00:57.800 --> 0:01:01.680 Chuck Bryant, and again we have our guest producer Noel. 0:01:02.400 --> 0:01:07.560 He's thrashing about on the ground, vomiting, screaming, capillaries bursting 0:01:07.560 --> 0:01:11.399 in his cheeks, all because we wouldn't give him a 0:01:11.480 --> 0:01:16.600 third pork chop not true. Yeah, boy, temper tantrums or 0:01:17.560 --> 0:01:19.639 I always feel so bad for the parents in public, 0:01:19.680 --> 0:01:22.720 you know, Oh really, I always think like, you screwed 0:01:22.760 --> 0:01:27.000 up your kid already. See you're so wrong. And we're 0:01:27.000 --> 0:01:29.880 about to dispel that. Yeah it's true, although I did 0:01:29.920 --> 0:01:32.640 see a UM, we're about to talk a lot about 0:01:32.959 --> 0:01:35.759 why it's not the parents fault. But I did some 0:01:36.000 --> 0:01:39.120 extra research and there are experts that say you can 0:01:39.360 --> 0:01:43.520 also be a bad parent and that could lead to 0:01:43.560 --> 0:01:46.399 temper tantrums. Like, we don't want to blame parents, but 0:01:47.160 --> 0:01:49.080 you can definitely play a part. And we as a 0:01:49.160 --> 0:01:53.840 society of said, uh, from this age to this age, 0:01:54.040 --> 0:01:57.720 temper tantrums are normal. And then after that then apparently 0:01:57.760 --> 0:02:01.400 it's like the bad parenting really shines through and then 0:02:01.440 --> 0:02:04.760 they think like, yeah, there's some real problems this kid 0:02:04.800 --> 0:02:07.680 has and it's largely because of bad parenting or a 0:02:07.760 --> 0:02:12.240 bad home environment, or troubles during pregnancy like abuse, things 0:02:12.280 --> 0:02:16.000 like that. Um, that can all lead to temper tantrums 0:02:16.040 --> 0:02:20.880 that turn into something else after a certain age. Yeah, 0:02:20.919 --> 0:02:23.040 this whole thing, it makes me kind of uncomfortable. But 0:02:23.760 --> 0:02:29.919 just parenting advice period is so like subjective and individual Yeah, 0:02:30.080 --> 0:02:33.200 it's it's always feel like people shouldn't tell other people 0:02:33.200 --> 0:02:35.360 how to parent, But I also I feel like they're 0:02:35.400 --> 0:02:39.080 probably some pretty good guidelines to parenting too. So yeah, 0:02:39.120 --> 0:02:42.280 and if you go back and look at, um, the 0:02:42.400 --> 0:02:45.720 history of parenting, yeah, like it wasn't too long ago 0:02:45.840 --> 0:02:48.000 that it was. It kind of seems to go on 0:02:48.040 --> 0:02:52.160 a cycle. Like in the eighteenth century. Um Rousseau, the 0:02:52.240 --> 0:02:55.760 Great Enlightenment thinker, basically was one of the first to say, 0:02:56.240 --> 0:03:02.239 you know what, maybe kids aren't just internature adults and 0:03:02.320 --> 0:03:06.320 like maybe child like something special. It's a time of development. 0:03:07.000 --> 0:03:10.280 We should you know, become less parent centric and more 0:03:10.400 --> 0:03:14.920 child centric as far as parenthood goes. And um, that 0:03:15.040 --> 0:03:18.359 really kind of sparked this different idea of you know, 0:03:18.639 --> 0:03:23.480 treating kids as kids rather than adults. And then that 0:03:23.639 --> 0:03:26.560 was replaced later on by the whole like discipline and 0:03:26.600 --> 0:03:29.080 all that of the late nineteenth early twentieth century, and 0:03:29.080 --> 0:03:33.360 then that was replaced by the idea that kids their 0:03:33.440 --> 0:03:37.000 childhood should be indulged, you know. And then Russo said, boy, 0:03:37.080 --> 0:03:38.760 fetch me in my feather, I need to throw up? 0:03:40.760 --> 0:03:45.920 Is that from fletch, No, fletch. This is what came 0:03:45.960 --> 0:03:48.560 to mind. No, I just thought it'd be funny. You know, 0:03:48.880 --> 0:03:51.280 I need to throw up, you know, the benjing and 0:03:51.320 --> 0:03:54.720 purging back in the day, eat till you can't eat 0:03:54.760 --> 0:03:56.480 anymore than you stick a feather it on your throat 0:03:56.520 --> 0:03:59.800 and vomited it up. Supposedly, the vomitorium thing is a myth. 0:04:00.200 --> 0:04:04.480 Have you heard that in Rome? Ancient Rome, vomitoriums they 0:04:04.520 --> 0:04:07.000 supposedly had like pieces for that. I haven't heard. They 0:04:07.000 --> 0:04:10.120 were a myth. Supposedly their myth mythological and not like 0:04:10.160 --> 0:04:15.040 the Menatar, like a real myth, not like they want 0:04:15.080 --> 0:04:18.280 you to think it's a myth. Got Okay, So we're 0:04:18.320 --> 0:04:22.400 talking temper tantrums, and we've already kind of said, um 0:04:22.480 --> 0:04:26.440 that during a certain period of your life, they're normal. 0:04:26.680 --> 0:04:28.960 It's actually you would be a weird kid if you 0:04:29.000 --> 0:04:34.400 didn't have a temper tantrum pretty frequently. Not weird, but 0:04:34.880 --> 0:04:37.080 you would be in the minority for sure. Okay, but 0:04:37.160 --> 0:04:41.280 it doesn't mean you're weird. Comparatively speaking, it means you're weird. 0:04:42.400 --> 0:04:47.039 So like, from age one to age three ish, they 0:04:47.040 --> 0:04:50.760 basically say, I have have your temper tantrums. It's normal. Yeah, 0:04:50.800 --> 0:04:54.720 between fifty if you want a statistic of two to 0:04:54.760 --> 0:04:56.720 three year old boys and girls have at least one 0:04:56.880 --> 0:05:03.200 tantrum per week, and UM have a tantrum every day. Yeah, 0:05:03.200 --> 0:05:06.640 those kids are fun between those those years. Yeah. Uh. 0:05:06.680 --> 0:05:09.640 And then there was another study from the University of Minnesota. 0:05:09.720 --> 0:05:14.560 I found even higher rates. UM. Nine percent of children 0:05:14.640 --> 0:05:18.719 in this study between the ages of thirty, thirty months 0:05:18.720 --> 0:05:23.680 and three years UM had a tantrum on a weekly basis. Right, 0:05:23.720 --> 0:05:26.080 so it happens. If you had a kid, you've probably 0:05:26.080 --> 0:05:27.960 had it happened. If you don't have kids yet, it 0:05:28.000 --> 0:05:29.760 will happen to you. And if you have a kid 0:05:29.760 --> 0:05:34.240 that doesn't have tantrums, they're weird. No, you're just lucky. Yeah, 0:05:34.360 --> 0:05:37.320 you are pretty lucky. I wasn't a tantrum thrower. I know, 0:05:37.480 --> 0:05:40.080 I'm sure I was, but I think I was a 0:05:40.080 --> 0:05:42.440 pretty good kid. Yeah, I'm in saying it never happened 0:05:42.440 --> 0:05:46.240 with me, but I was pretty chill. Yes the gate. Yeah, 0:05:46.320 --> 0:05:48.479 my brother in law and sister in law lucked out 0:05:49.200 --> 0:05:52.240 a good kid who's like more hard on herself than 0:05:52.320 --> 0:05:55.760 like they are on her. That's the best self regulating kids. Yeah, 0:05:56.000 --> 0:05:58.440 she's good and she's like right in the age two 0:05:58.480 --> 0:06:02.479 and she's very good. So she's weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 0:06:02.600 --> 0:06:06.360 weird and all the all the best ways. The good 0:06:06.360 --> 0:06:09.080 news is, um, by the time they reach four or five, 0:06:10.080 --> 0:06:13.240 you should be seeing a large drop off or complete 0:06:13.240 --> 0:06:17.280 cessation of these tantrums. Yeah. And the reason why we 0:06:17.400 --> 0:06:23.160 say the age um, that there is an age for 0:06:23.200 --> 0:06:26.279 this to end, is because we finally figured out that 0:06:27.080 --> 0:06:30.840 the mechanisms involved in temperate tantrums. Yeah, it's a thing. 0:06:30.920 --> 0:06:33.640 It's not just my kid's pain in the butter, he's 0:06:33.640 --> 0:06:36.720 in a bad mood, or he's spoiled. It's there's there's 0:06:36.760 --> 0:06:40.400 brain activity that is causing this to happen. Yes, specifically 0:06:40.400 --> 0:06:43.040 in the prefrontal cortex, or we should say there's a 0:06:43.120 --> 0:06:46.440 lack of activity in the prefrontal cortex, which is the 0:06:46.520 --> 0:06:49.280 last part of the brain to evolve. Yeah, like it 0:06:49.440 --> 0:06:55.880 up until your eighteenth birthday, prefonal cortex is still evolving, right, Yes, 0:06:56.040 --> 0:06:59.479 and developing, is I think what we mean? Yes, yes, 0:06:59.560 --> 0:07:02.000 we do. Both said evolved, but it's true. I mean, 0:07:02.839 --> 0:07:04.839 you know, the Victorians used to think that if you 0:07:04.920 --> 0:07:08.599 looked inside an egg, you would see the animal that 0:07:08.720 --> 0:07:11.400 species go through its full evolution, that that was its 0:07:11.400 --> 0:07:14.720 process of development, And it kind of makes sense to 0:07:14.840 --> 0:07:16.960 an extent, especially if you think of the brain, like 0:07:17.040 --> 0:07:19.160 I'm sure the brain stem is the first part of 0:07:19.160 --> 0:07:22.760 the brain to be constructed in utero, you know, and 0:07:22.800 --> 0:07:25.000 then it goes all the way like after birth. Your 0:07:25.000 --> 0:07:29.400 brain is still developing, and it's probably the most sophisticated 0:07:29.480 --> 0:07:31.920 regions of the brain that take the longest to develop. 0:07:32.240 --> 0:07:35.080 That makes sense. So the victorians were right all along 0:07:35.280 --> 0:07:39.320 about throwing up All right, well should we talk about 0:07:40.240 --> 0:07:43.040 what the tantrum? That there was a doctor who clearly 0:07:43.160 --> 0:07:47.560 has uh some masochistic tendencies because he did a study 0:07:47.600 --> 0:07:51.520 in which he rigged toddlers with microphones. He's the temper 0:07:51.600 --> 0:07:55.800 tantrum specialist. He's like the guy he's definitely a masochist. Yeah. No, 0:07:56.040 --> 0:07:58.640 I'm saying, God bless this guy, because it is not 0:07:58.760 --> 0:08:02.960 fun work to chord and analyze audio tapes of temper 0:08:03.040 --> 0:08:05.800 tantrums over and over and over. But that's what he did, 0:08:05.840 --> 0:08:09.520 and he did find some patterns. First of all, they 0:08:09.520 --> 0:08:12.440 only last a few minutes. Parents, it might seem like 0:08:12.440 --> 0:08:15.480 an eternity there in target while your kid is like 0:08:15.640 --> 0:08:18.400 buried in the clothes rack screaming, But it's only going 0:08:18.440 --> 0:08:20.880 to be a few minutes, and then ten minutes later, 0:08:20.920 --> 0:08:23.560 your kid has just probably forgotten about it, even though 0:08:23.560 --> 0:08:28.040 you have not. The He also found that UM, based 0:08:28.120 --> 0:08:30.520 on the types of sounds that the kids made, they 0:08:30.520 --> 0:08:33.960 can basically be classified as sad sounds and angry sounds. 0:08:34.800 --> 0:08:38.080 And he found that his name is Michael Protagal, and 0:08:38.160 --> 0:08:42.200 Portagal found that UM, rather than one giving into the 0:08:42.240 --> 0:08:46.160 other leading into the other, they're pretty much simultaneous. And 0:08:46.200 --> 0:08:50.200 then once the anger, it's basically you have sadness all along, 0:08:50.520 --> 0:08:53.640 and then it's overlaid with anger. And then once the 0:08:53.720 --> 0:08:57.920 anger subsides, all this left to sadness, and now the 0:08:58.240 --> 0:09:02.160 healing can begin because when kids are sad, they want 0:09:02.160 --> 0:09:04.959 to be comforted, so they go to you, the parent 0:09:05.120 --> 0:09:11.160 hopefully yeah, um, and and then the temper tantrum can subside. Yeah. 0:09:11.200 --> 0:09:14.360 And he broke it down into three phase three stages. Uh, 0:09:14.440 --> 0:09:18.160 you get your yelling and screaming. You've got your physical actions, 0:09:18.160 --> 0:09:20.360 which is what we talked about, like throwing yourself on 0:09:20.400 --> 0:09:22.760 the floor, and that's what you typically think of, like 0:09:22.840 --> 0:09:27.480 kicking and screaming, and then um or biting, and then 0:09:27.520 --> 0:09:29.559 you've got your whimpering and whining, which is the third 0:09:29.800 --> 0:09:34.840 and saddest stage right to witness, because the kid has 0:09:34.880 --> 0:09:37.360 just played out at this point and it's really sad. Yeah. 0:09:37.360 --> 0:09:41.440 And protocol also found that if the kid goes straight 0:09:41.480 --> 0:09:46.080 into the physical stage, Yes, the tantrum is even shorter lived. 0:09:46.200 --> 0:09:49.200 I think because they text themselves more quickly. Yeah, that 0:09:49.240 --> 0:09:53.520 makes sense. Uh. And these we talked earlier about Noel's 0:09:53.559 --> 0:09:55.920 tantrum before we came in and how his face is flushed. 0:09:56.480 --> 0:09:59.320 That is something that can happen if they are screaming 0:09:59.320 --> 0:10:01.680 loud enough, they and pop blood vessels in the face 0:10:01.760 --> 0:10:05.440 and capillaries, and they can induce vomiting. It can get 0:10:05.480 --> 0:10:11.720 like really serious and violent and disturbing. Inducing vomiting is funny. 0:10:11.840 --> 0:10:14.800 You don't just wouldn't you just be like, you stupid kid? 0:10:14.920 --> 0:10:17.160 What is wrong with you? You just screamed until you 0:10:17.200 --> 0:10:20.600 threw up? Yeah. I think that's a good approach. Well, 0:10:20.640 --> 0:10:27.680 I mean you don't say, certainly think alright, So back, yeah, stupid, 0:10:28.320 --> 0:10:32.040 Back to the prefrontal cortex. Uh. We said it develops 0:10:32.520 --> 0:10:35.160 very Uh, I don't know about slowly, but it develops 0:10:35.200 --> 0:10:38.080 over the course of your life until you're about eighteen. Um. 0:10:38.120 --> 0:10:40.960 But it doesn't even start to till you're four and 0:10:41.000 --> 0:10:44.160 they think the reason why, or not necessarily the reason 0:10:44.160 --> 0:10:48.040 why they think. Because of this this malleability and plasticity 0:10:48.040 --> 0:10:52.280 in the prefrontal cortex, we are able to acquire language 0:10:52.280 --> 0:10:55.640 skills as humans. So it's kind of a trade off 0:10:56.600 --> 0:10:59.760 because while we can acquire language skills while our p 0:11:00.360 --> 0:11:04.600 is developing, we don't have the emotional stability that we 0:11:04.640 --> 0:11:07.200 have later on in life with the fully developed PFC, 0:11:07.320 --> 0:11:11.640 because the prefrontal cortex is in charge of regulating our 0:11:11.679 --> 0:11:15.640 emotional stability. Yeah, and basically saying like whoa, it's the 0:11:15.679 --> 0:11:18.080 part of the it's the joey part of the brain, right, 0:11:18.120 --> 0:11:21.160 So your kid, your kid doesn't have the joey part 0:11:21.160 --> 0:11:24.400 of the brain yet. There is since you brought up language, 0:11:24.440 --> 0:11:29.000 there is a um there's a conflict between what the 0:11:29.120 --> 0:11:32.120 kid can understand and then relay back to you at 0:11:32.120 --> 0:11:33.920 that age, like they may be able to understand what 0:11:33.920 --> 0:11:36.240 you're saying, but they can't speak the words yet. So 0:11:36.240 --> 0:11:39.920 you've got a really frustrated kid because it can't get 0:11:39.920 --> 0:11:43.000 out what it wants to say. And then you've got 0:11:43.040 --> 0:11:45.920 the prefrontal cortex not doing anything yet, right, it's not 0:11:46.040 --> 0:11:49.600 putting the brakes on. Yeah, so that is a tantrum. 0:11:49.640 --> 0:11:51.679 I mean, that's a recipe for a tantrum. And why 0:11:51.679 --> 0:11:53.559 don't you stew on that for a minute while we 0:11:53.640 --> 0:12:11.800 take a message break because that was some heavy stuff. Okay, 0:12:11.840 --> 0:12:14.040 so we're back. We just talked about the prefrontal cortex 0:12:14.160 --> 0:12:18.880 and you, Chuck just explained what a temper tantrum is. Yeah, 0:12:19.160 --> 0:12:23.400 because we all have like moments of frustration. We all 0:12:23.480 --> 0:12:27.320 have um times when like we act out a little bit, 0:12:27.400 --> 0:12:30.600 like you know, this light bulb is supposed to work, 0:12:32.040 --> 0:12:33.840 you know that kind of thing, or road rage. That's 0:12:33.840 --> 0:12:37.120 an adult temper tantrum exactly, you know, But we have 0:12:37.320 --> 0:12:41.440 prefrontal cortex is we've been socialized to feel embarrassed for 0:12:41.559 --> 0:12:45.960 acting out. Um, if you took that away and shrunk 0:12:46.040 --> 0:12:48.679 us down by several feet, you would have what's a 0:12:48.800 --> 0:12:52.280 normal temper tantrum and kids. Yeah, and we also should 0:12:52.280 --> 0:12:55.840 point out that the fight or flight kicks into a 0:12:56.000 --> 0:12:59.480 big shot of cortis all happens, and so everything is 0:12:59.520 --> 0:13:02.400 just messed up. Like it's a wonder your kid doesn't 0:13:02.400 --> 0:13:04.480 have more of these, right when you think about that, 0:13:04.640 --> 0:13:08.920 So that frustration, Um, does trigger cortisol. It triggers Norah 0:13:09.040 --> 0:13:13.280 and ephron. Uh, your fight or flight syndrome or responses 0:13:13.520 --> 0:13:16.120 kicked into high gear. And again you have nothing to 0:13:16.120 --> 0:13:19.720 put the brakes on all of this. What's interesting is, Um, 0:13:20.000 --> 0:13:24.080 some of the physical signs that the fight or flight 0:13:24.120 --> 0:13:27.240 responses kicked in are also signs that your kids about 0:13:27.240 --> 0:13:36.600 to have like a major meltdown. Things like, um, you're breathing, flesh, skin, sweating, sweating, 0:13:36.640 --> 0:13:40.520 pupils dilated, drooling and spitting. Yeah, all these things where 0:13:40.520 --> 0:13:42.160 I like, you see your kids starting to do that, 0:13:42.240 --> 0:13:48.000 you just felling the exorcists gonna blow yes. And the reason, um, 0:13:48.640 --> 0:13:51.880 they stop or at least taper off by the ages 0:13:51.920 --> 0:13:55.240 of four or five is because you're the joey part 0:13:55.280 --> 0:13:57.679 of your brain starts to work and the kid can 0:13:57.720 --> 0:14:00.880 now talk to you and all of these kind of 0:14:00.960 --> 0:14:04.760 undo and the kids like that was the problem because 0:14:04.760 --> 0:14:07.840 they can now tell you that, right, I couldn't talk. Yeah, 0:14:08.000 --> 0:14:11.560 it smelled like chili dogs all the time, and I tried. 0:14:11.640 --> 0:14:13.880 I just couldn't tell you that. Yeah, in my PFC 0:14:14.000 --> 0:14:16.120 wasn't working. So what am I to do? Just go 0:14:16.320 --> 0:14:20.600 berserk exactly? Um. The thing is is like, yes, your 0:14:20.680 --> 0:14:23.000 kid is going to likely age out of this. If 0:14:23.000 --> 0:14:25.480 your kid doesn't age out of it, then perhaps it's 0:14:25.520 --> 0:14:30.160 time to consult a specialist, say around five six years 0:14:30.160 --> 0:14:35.880 of age, usually six, I think. Um. But along the way, 0:14:36.120 --> 0:14:40.480 you can help your kid have fewer temper tantrums, have 0:14:40.560 --> 0:14:44.360 less severe temper tantrums, and basically just be a better 0:14:44.440 --> 0:14:48.160 human being in general by how you as the parents 0:14:48.200 --> 0:14:51.080 address the temper tantrums. By telling them they're dumb for 0:14:51.200 --> 0:14:54.040 just throwing up. Just you think that in your head. 0:14:54.160 --> 0:14:55.760 You don't say it out loud or else you're a 0:14:55.840 --> 0:14:58.560 terrible parent. If you think it, you're fine, Okay. Um. 0:15:00.360 --> 0:15:03.720 The number one thing you want to do, um, prior 0:15:04.320 --> 0:15:10.120 to temper tantrums is giving the kid a a schedule. Yeah, 0:15:10.440 --> 0:15:13.920 because apparently a lot of the temper tantrums come from 0:15:14.080 --> 0:15:17.880 a fear that somethings that they're not going to get food, 0:15:18.240 --> 0:15:21.720 whether they're not gonna get held or at tension or whatever. 0:15:22.200 --> 0:15:24.320 If they're on a schedule, they'll know that it's coming. 0:15:24.680 --> 0:15:26.400 And if they start to freak out, you can say, 0:15:26.440 --> 0:15:29.400 of course, your goldfish are coming. It's almost two pm. 0:15:30.080 --> 0:15:33.920 Settled down, you little goldfish. Junkie. Yeah, and I know 0:15:34.000 --> 0:15:37.280 they stress scheduling all lot with kids with like Asperger's 0:15:37.400 --> 0:15:40.880 uh and autism, But it's a big deal. Period. You 0:15:40.880 --> 0:15:43.320 should get your kids on a schedule. Kids like knowing 0:15:43.360 --> 0:15:46.000 what to expect. They don't like balls. If you have 0:15:46.040 --> 0:15:48.240 to make your own bowl of cereal at age like two, 0:15:49.880 --> 0:15:52.040 the parent needs to take some time and figure out 0:15:52.120 --> 0:15:55.320 what's going wrong here with water? Yeah remember that what 0:15:55.440 --> 0:15:58.800 was that Friday's Yeah, when they did that milk. Yeah, 0:15:58.920 --> 0:16:01.320 that's funny that you said that is I just remembered yesterday. 0:16:01.360 --> 0:16:03.680 What a good movie Friday. Oh yeah, it was really funny. 0:16:03.720 --> 0:16:06.960 It's wonderful. Uh. Okay, So get your kids on a schedule. 0:16:07.120 --> 0:16:11.040 That's a big one. This is this is preventing yes, um, 0:16:11.080 --> 0:16:16.840 temper tantrum and that's regular sleep, regular feeding, uh, regular interaction. 0:16:17.240 --> 0:16:20.120 Any kind of thing they can rely on is going 0:16:20.160 --> 0:16:22.400 to help, like chill your kid out and get them stable. 0:16:22.560 --> 0:16:25.000 I remember, um, one of the things one of the 0:16:25.040 --> 0:16:29.560 bases of temper tantrums is frustration. Yeah, and one way 0:16:29.600 --> 0:16:32.880 around that is to give your kid make them feel empowered. Yeah. 0:16:32.920 --> 0:16:34.440 I like this bit of advice. I thought that was 0:16:34.520 --> 0:16:38.320 spot on. So like in this article, I think Conger says, um, 0:16:39.600 --> 0:16:43.080 if your kid hates putting shoes on, basically distract them 0:16:43.080 --> 0:16:46.000 by saying, hey, big boy, do you want to wear 0:16:46.040 --> 0:16:49.600 your duck boots or your cowboy boots? Yeah? You you 0:16:49.720 --> 0:16:53.320 choose to you. Yeah, sort of like heading them off 0:16:53.320 --> 0:16:56.200 at the templeton. You still have to wear shoes, but 0:16:56.240 --> 0:16:58.520 you get to choose which one. Yeah, I've heard that's 0:16:58.520 --> 0:17:00.640 a pretty common thing, if acause a lot of kids 0:17:00.680 --> 0:17:02.800 don't want to get dressed when they should or put 0:17:02.800 --> 0:17:05.080 on their shoes when they should. And um, a lot 0:17:05.080 --> 0:17:08.320 of parents now are like letting their kids dress themselves. 0:17:08.600 --> 0:17:11.159 Yeah you can tell, yeah, but look around. I know, 0:17:11.240 --> 0:17:13.520 and it's I think it's great and fun to see 0:17:13.560 --> 0:17:16.439 little kids walking around in these crazy outfits that they 0:17:16.440 --> 0:17:19.360 clearly picked out. It's like a moment. It's like many 0:17:19.480 --> 0:17:22.480 mental asylums all let out. It's like the Reagan era 0:17:22.600 --> 0:17:27.959 all over again, but for kids. I think it's awesome. Um, Okay, 0:17:28.000 --> 0:17:31.800 so empowering choices, great advice. So okay, you've taken these 0:17:31.800 --> 0:17:34.879 steps to avoid it, it's still not gonna do. Your 0:17:34.960 --> 0:17:38.040 kids still gonna have a temperature tantrum. It's just you 0:17:38.080 --> 0:17:42.320 can expect it. It's inevitable. Um So, when a temper 0:17:42.440 --> 0:17:48.520 tantrum happens, here's the hard part. You have to stay calm. 0:17:48.560 --> 0:17:56.800 And apparently the the advice from parenting experts psychologists is 0:17:57.359 --> 0:18:01.000 ignore it. Yeah, this is not us talking. We've researched this, 0:18:01.080 --> 0:18:04.480 and they say to try and ignore it. They say 0:18:04.520 --> 0:18:07.919 that that is the quickest way too, to put an 0:18:08.040 --> 0:18:11.680 end to that particular tantrum. If they're not getting the attention, 0:18:12.200 --> 0:18:16.240 then they will quit sooner. Yeah, and that's what they say. 0:18:16.400 --> 0:18:19.119 So long as they're not hurting themselves or other people 0:18:19.320 --> 0:18:22.800 or destroying property. If they're just screaming and being a 0:18:22.840 --> 0:18:25.920 brat basically is what it amounts to, then ignoring it 0:18:26.000 --> 0:18:29.359 is the best course of action. Yeah. The reason why is, 0:18:29.520 --> 0:18:32.560 um if you say you are like, oh, I know, 0:18:32.680 --> 0:18:34.679 you feel so bad, and you pick them up and 0:18:34.720 --> 0:18:38.960 you hug them and everything, you're giving your kid positive reinforcement. 0:18:39.440 --> 0:18:42.960 You're saying, hey, scream your head off and I'll pick 0:18:43.000 --> 0:18:45.960 you up and rub your back and comfort you. You 0:18:45.960 --> 0:18:48.040 don't want to do that. You want to remain neutral 0:18:48.119 --> 0:18:51.639 and basically not associate this thing with anything during it. 0:18:51.880 --> 0:18:54.080 That's what I would do, especially in public and just 0:18:54.119 --> 0:18:57.200 be like, man, whose kid is that? Right? I'm gonna 0:18:57.240 --> 0:18:59.400 go over here and eat a box of neutral green 0:18:59.440 --> 0:19:02.719 bars if i'm myself while this little kid finishes up, 0:19:02.960 --> 0:19:04.800 and I'll just pay for it at the register with 0:19:04.840 --> 0:19:08.200 an empty box and it's all good. Um. An sense 0:19:08.200 --> 0:19:11.680 of shape. The other reason, and we're joking around here, 0:19:11.760 --> 0:19:15.000 this is if someone like I have friends who have 0:19:15.000 --> 0:19:16.680 had a big trouble with this and it's not a 0:19:16.760 --> 0:19:20.000 laughing matter. It's really a lot of stress on a family. Oh, 0:19:20.160 --> 0:19:22.480 I can't imagine we joke because it's just what we 0:19:22.520 --> 0:19:25.520 always do. Another time, the guy in the grocery store 0:19:25.600 --> 0:19:29.280 gets to go see you later, good luck. Um. Another 0:19:29.320 --> 0:19:32.280 reason not to what like they say, to muffle that 0:19:32.440 --> 0:19:36.560 is because there could be other underlying causes like hearing 0:19:36.640 --> 0:19:41.159 problem or vision vision impairment that you won't notice. Um 0:19:41.200 --> 0:19:43.800 if you're if you're not, just like you know, if 0:19:43.840 --> 0:19:46.240 you've got the kid buried in your chest. Yeah it's weird. 0:19:46.280 --> 0:19:48.640 It's like you want to ignore it. Let it run 0:19:48.640 --> 0:19:51.440 its natural course, watch it out of like the side 0:19:51.440 --> 0:19:54.800 of your eye, you know. Yeah. Um, Because you don't 0:19:54.800 --> 0:19:56.639 want them to like you really don't want them to 0:19:56.680 --> 0:19:59.320 think you're paying any attention to them at all. And 0:19:59.359 --> 0:20:03.120 apparently and when that, when that's done, it just runs 0:20:03.160 --> 0:20:05.679 its course and it's it's over with, and like we 0:20:05.720 --> 0:20:08.640 said earlier, the kid forgets even what was bothering him 0:20:08.720 --> 0:20:11.760 or her, you know, a few minutes afterward. Yeah, what 0:20:11.880 --> 0:20:14.960 you really don't want to do is punish the kid 0:20:15.080 --> 0:20:18.600 or reprimand the kid in the middle of a tantrum 0:20:18.680 --> 0:20:21.560 or right after a tantrum, because it's a natural thing, 0:20:21.680 --> 0:20:26.000 it's gonna happen. That is not a healthy approach to 0:20:26.200 --> 0:20:28.680 getting your child to not do something because they're two 0:20:28.680 --> 0:20:31.000 and three years old, and to be punished for something 0:20:31.000 --> 0:20:33.600 that they don't understand, it's just that's not gonna help anything. Sure, 0:20:33.800 --> 0:20:38.120 So what you do want to do is after a 0:20:38.160 --> 0:20:41.800 meltdown has taken place and things are calm again, you 0:20:41.840 --> 0:20:44.880 want to take some time to explain to the kid 0:20:46.200 --> 0:20:50.880 basically what went wrong or what they didn't do. Let's say, 0:20:51.000 --> 0:20:55.000 is over the shoes again. You you they've just told 0:20:55.040 --> 0:20:57.760 you we need to talk about shoes again. Right now 0:20:57.800 --> 0:21:00.000 that things are calm, we have to talk about shoe 0:21:00.080 --> 0:21:02.520 was because I just had a meltdown about it. So 0:21:02.560 --> 0:21:05.320 now that they're calm. You have to say you need 0:21:05.359 --> 0:21:08.760 to wear shoes because they protect your feet from all 0:21:08.840 --> 0:21:11.840 the terrible stuff that you can step on. That's why 0:21:11.880 --> 0:21:13.760 you have to wear shoes and put them on when 0:21:13.760 --> 0:21:16.560 I tell you too. And it's time to leave it 0:21:16.640 --> 0:21:20.600 to them understanding the value of shoes right in a 0:21:20.760 --> 0:21:25.760 very understandable two year old way. Apparently you don't want 0:21:25.760 --> 0:21:29.560 to moralize it and say you better not you better 0:21:29.600 --> 0:21:31.320 not pitch a fit when I tell you to put 0:21:31.400 --> 0:21:34.240 your shoes on. Yeah, this happens every morning, right. That 0:21:34.280 --> 0:21:36.520 doesn't help. It doesn't help. And if your kid the 0:21:36.560 --> 0:21:39.320 next day says, well, I want to pick out my 0:21:39.359 --> 0:21:42.000 shoes at a mom because they protect my feet, then 0:21:42.119 --> 0:21:44.760 you are you get a toy? Yeah, you get a toy, 0:21:44.840 --> 0:21:49.359 big playmobile box set. Well, depending on how much money 0:21:49.400 --> 0:21:52.720 you have, you could at least give them positive reinforcement 0:21:52.920 --> 0:21:55.360 and a cookie yeah boor a pat on the head. 0:21:55.760 --> 0:21:59.480 You could also get a knockoff plood mobile not box set. 0:21:59.480 --> 0:22:01.920 That's fine. The kid doesn't know. He's too. We got 0:22:01.960 --> 0:22:04.720 so many knockoff toys growing up. Have you seen that 0:22:04.920 --> 0:22:08.760 gallery of knockoff toys that I made? It's great if 0:22:08.800 --> 0:22:10.639 you have not seen it go check it out and stuff. 0:22:11.200 --> 0:22:13.440 I think I had a few of those, did you really? Yeah? 0:22:13.440 --> 0:22:15.440 I mean my parents were teachers. We weren't like poor, 0:22:15.520 --> 0:22:17.760 but we didn't. You know, there were three kids. We 0:22:17.800 --> 0:22:22.280 didn't all get everything we wanted. I wanted the BMX 0:22:22.320 --> 0:22:26.119 Mongoose and I got the Sears Goose. You know, I 0:22:26.160 --> 0:22:31.760 wanted Pong again Sears like yeah, basically Nights of the 0:22:31.840 --> 0:22:34.800 Round Table pretty much. You remember that? Yeah, but I 0:22:34.880 --> 0:22:40.200 did look at me. Yeah, I never had brand name clothes. Uh, 0:22:40.400 --> 0:22:42.199 unless they had you know, like a button missing or 0:22:42.320 --> 0:22:44.680 the collar was miss shapen or something. Again, I don't 0:22:44.720 --> 0:22:48.879 think I can stress enough how awesome that gallery of 0:22:49.040 --> 0:22:52.880 beloved knockoff knockoffs of beloved toys that we made that's 0:22:52.920 --> 0:22:56.240 on our site is. It's great. Yeah, we'll repost it, 0:22:56.280 --> 0:22:59.080 but you can. You should definitely look under galleries. You 0:22:59.080 --> 0:23:02.399 should dot com. There's some real missus yea. And I 0:23:02.680 --> 0:23:05.040 have to say I remember going to plenty of stores 0:23:05.080 --> 0:23:06.760 as a kid and being told I could pick out 0:23:06.760 --> 0:23:10.280 a toy, but it was like something liquidators. Yeah, yeah, 0:23:10.400 --> 0:23:12.320 like what is this thing? Did you have any rich 0:23:12.359 --> 0:23:16.360 kid friends? Um? Yeah, they weren't like rich kids, but Yeah, 0:23:16.400 --> 0:23:19.120 there were some parents were like lawyers and stuff like that. 0:23:19.440 --> 0:23:22.280 It's like at a one particular that I was always 0:23:22.320 --> 0:23:25.080 just so like his house was so cool. It was 0:23:25.119 --> 0:23:27.800