Speaker 1: Yo, if your spouse constantly chooses her or his family
Speaker 1: over yours, that doesn't mean they're doing it on purpose.
Speaker 2: Hmmm, I think that's fair to say. And dead ass.
Speaker 3: Once you get married, your spouse's family is dead ass
Speaker 3: your family.
Speaker 2: See, I got to figure out a way to make
Speaker 2: it work.
Speaker 1: Dead ass.
Speaker 3: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout, and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with.
Speaker 2: Our boys and reading each other publicly as a form
Speaker 2: of therpy.
Speaker 1: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 2: And one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 1: Yes, sir, we are.
Speaker 4: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 4: li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day.
Speaker 4: So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts
Speaker 4: one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but
Speaker 4: the truth.
Speaker 1: We about to take bilotof to our whole new level.
Speaker 3: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: There are actually a number of stories that I could
Speaker 1: choose from.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, when it comes to my family, your family,
Speaker 2: for sure.
Speaker 1: But I'm going to I'm going to speak on one time,
Speaker 1: in particular my birthday. This is in twenty twenty one,
Speaker 1: I believe twenty twenty one. It was my birthday and
Speaker 1: Kadeen was planning a surprise trip for me to go
Speaker 1: to Jamaica. This was right after COVID and they finally
Speaker 1: opened things back up, and she was making plans, calling
Speaker 1: everybody's family, calling brothers and sisters and speaking and speaking
Speaker 1: and doing everything. And at the same time, I happen
Speaker 1: to call my mom because we were just getting over COVID,
Speaker 1: and I was just like, yeah, we just you know,
Speaker 1: we just found out the boys COVID. I don't think
Speaker 1: we're going to be able to go to Jamaica. And
Speaker 1: my mom said, who's going to Jamaica? And I was like, well,
Speaker 1: we were all going for my birthday. You didn't know
Speaker 1: and she was like, no, nobody called me and told me. So.
Speaker 1: At first, I was like, Okay, well, maybe they didn't
Speaker 1: get around to it yet, or maybe Kay had made
Speaker 1: any decisions yet about who she was gonna tell. So
Speaker 1: I asked Kay, I said, Kay, my mom doesn't know
Speaker 1: about Jamaica. And Kay goes, how how does she not
Speaker 1: know about Jamaica. I said, I just spoke to on
Speaker 1: the phone. She didn't know about it, and she sounded
Speaker 1: a little disappointed she didn't know. KY said, well, I
Speaker 1: told your dad, and I spoke to your brother, assuming
Speaker 1: that my pops and my brother was going to tell
Speaker 1: my mom. My mother was upset because she didn't get
Speaker 1: a personal invite. Now, initially I was upset because I
Speaker 1: was like, hey, how do you invite everybody to Jamaica
Speaker 1: and not tell the person who birthed me and it's
Speaker 1: my birthday. But then she had a very clear point.
Speaker 1: She said, when I tell something to my brother, my
Speaker 1: sister finds out. When my sister finds out, my father knows,
Speaker 1: and then the whole family knows. I figured that if
Speaker 1: I just told one person in your household, everybody would know.
Speaker 1: And I had to actually sit back for a minute
Speaker 1: and be like, man, that's actually a really good point.
Speaker 2: Beef for karaoke in the spirit of family.
Speaker 3: Yes, I mean, what's the first song that comes to
Speaker 3: mind when you think of family.
Speaker 1: Well, there's two different songs because of your culture, and
Speaker 1: I think for one family song, we already sang this song.
Speaker 1: But for our song, especially the country the South, we
Speaker 1: automatically think of we are family.
Speaker 2: I got all my sisters and me, we are family.
Speaker 1: Get up, everybody, you.
Speaker 3: Say, because we already did family.
Speaker 1: Lay la la la la lay lay lay Lee. I
Speaker 1: think so, and we also did family.
Speaker 2: We say family. We love the family, them to my aunts.
Speaker 1: All right, So we're gonna take a quick break, but
Speaker 1: we're gonna dive into this topic because Kadeena and I
Speaker 1: have talked since season one about her culture versus my culture,
Speaker 1: West Indian culture versus Southern Baptist culture and families, but
Speaker 1: also communications. And we've also realized over the last twenty
Speaker 1: one years that our families moved differently, and because our
Speaker 1: families moved differently, sometimes things are communicated differently. And rather
Speaker 1: than take it personal and be like you did this
Speaker 1: on purpose, let's figure out how we can navigate this
Speaker 1: whole thing.
Speaker 3: Yeah, communication doesn't just begin and end with the married couple.
Speaker 1: Facts for sure.
Speaker 3: So stick around, Let's go pay some bills and we'll
Speaker 3: be back. All right, we're bat y'all, and we figured.
Speaker 2: This was like an appropriate time to kind of talk
Speaker 2: about this.
Speaker 3: I know that we're like in season twelve, rocking and
Speaker 3: rolling and we spoke a lot about family issues, like
Speaker 3: you said, culture clashing, things like that, but it's still
Speaker 3: an ongoing conversation to this day with Deval and I,
Speaker 3: and I think that a lot of couples probably experienced
Speaker 3: similar things. And I look at my sister who's looking
Speaker 3: to be married soon and you know, trying to help
Speaker 3: her and her fiancee navigate like things. We're kind of
Speaker 3: hoping that this gives people kind of the cliff Notes
Speaker 3: version of how to problem solve within their relationship so
Speaker 3: that y'all won't have to take you the long road
Speaker 3: that we took twenty one years in and still be
Speaker 3: talking about the same stuff over and over again.
Speaker 1: And that's that's how we actually came up with this
Speaker 1: topic for you guys. Because it is twenty one years
Speaker 1: now officially, Padina and I have been married thirteen. We've
Speaker 1: been best friends before that for eight years and two
Speaker 1: days ago. Right, we had to have a discussion about communication.
Speaker 2: Right when it came to ours, when it comes.
Speaker 1: To our extended family, well, our immediate families separately, but
Speaker 1: extended family collectively now, so her brother and sister, my
Speaker 1: brother and sister, her mom and dad, my mom and dad.
Speaker 3: Exactly what the holiday is quickly approaching. I think it's
Speaker 3: time when splitting family time becomes hardest, right, because we're
Speaker 3: trying to decide whose house we're going to for what.
Speaker 3: We grew up sharing holiday traditions with both of our
Speaker 3: parents and our siblings, and a lot of times we
Speaker 3: want to still share those traditions with our children, but
Speaker 3: also including our families. So what do we do when
Speaker 3: we both want the same thing.
Speaker 2: And how do we compromise?
Speaker 3: So we're hoping if we talk through this and give
Speaker 3: some examples of things that happen with.
Speaker 2: Us, it will be able to help you guys.
Speaker 1: Well, let's let's give them some context, a little bit
Speaker 1: of context of how our families work.
Speaker 2: So did you want to go back to the storytime first
Speaker 2: and we can kind of talk a little bit about that.
Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, we can go back to storytelling and
Speaker 1: kind of dissect what exactly happens. So you give your
Speaker 1: perspective of what happened and how it was received by me,
Speaker 1: so y'all can see how things look got lost in translation.
Speaker 3: Right, So that particular year, like you said, it was
Speaker 3: twenty twenty, I think COVID was or twenty twenty one,
Speaker 3: COVID was kind of still going, but it was slowing
Speaker 3: down a bit. People were trying to figure out ways
Speaker 3: to still travel within the guidelines and parameters for traveling
Speaker 3: with COVID. So knowing that your birthday one thing about
Speaker 3: Diva's birthday. Every single year, I'll have a plan for
Speaker 3: something super grand and then we can't do it because
Speaker 3: he either has a big audition.
Speaker 2: He has work.
Speaker 1: Good blessing.
Speaker 3: It's great blessings for sure, for sure, but I really
Speaker 3: felt badly that I'm like, oh my god, every single year,
Speaker 3: you know, something happens and we can't celebrate Davo's birthday.
Speaker 1: Well, we have to explain a little bit why my
Speaker 1: birthday falls in April. If you're in the TV film industry,
Speaker 1: you know around February is pilot season. Pilot season happens
Speaker 1: February through March. At the end of March is when
Speaker 1: everyone gears up to go back to filming, so they
Speaker 1: actually start filming around April. And this year was no different.
Speaker 1: I was in Canada for my birthday.
Speaker 2: Absolutely.
Speaker 1: The year before that, I was filming Sisters, a year
Speaker 1: before that, I was filming Bigger. It was like every
Speaker 1: single year there's always something in April. So that's why
Speaker 1: my birthday always gets kind of.
Speaker 2: Jackable, always gets messed up.
Speaker 3: So then I feel like it usually falls back on me,
Speaker 3: like damn, kay, Like why couldn't you find a way
Speaker 3: to do XYZ for Devo's birthday. So this particular year,
Speaker 3: I said, I know he wasn't going to be filming,
Speaker 3: Jamaica was open, and I'm like, this is perfect. It's
Speaker 3: one of his favorite places to go. It's one of
Speaker 3: our places to go together. I had a thirty fifth
Speaker 3: birthday with like thirty five of my closest friends and family,
Speaker 3: including your family, and it was an amazing time. So
Speaker 3: I tried to plan something like that. So when I
Speaker 3: initially spoke to Devo's dad about the trip, he said
Speaker 3: to me, Man, I don't know if that's going to
Speaker 3: be a good time because your sister was pregnant at
Speaker 3: the time, and she was due at the end of March,
Speaker 3: yes or around that time, and she had a high
Speaker 3: risk pregnancy.
Speaker 2: I know she was having some difficulties.
Speaker 3: So he was like, I don't know if Ma's going
Speaker 3: to even want to leave her and go away for
Speaker 3: a week, seeing as though the baby may come at
Speaker 3: any point, so I said, okay, cool. So in that
Speaker 3: conversation with his dad, I assumed that maybe he even
Speaker 3: mentioned it to her because it was a possibility.
Speaker 1: And I want you to remember everything from her perspective
Speaker 1: because I want you to see what she went through,
Speaker 1: but I want you to hear how it was presented
Speaker 1: to me.
Speaker 3: So I just assumed at that point maybe his dad
Speaker 3: would have mentioned it to her, or maybe it wasn't
Speaker 3: even worth mentioning it to his mom because it made
Speaker 3: total sense. I'm like, if it was me and it
Speaker 3: was my daughter, I probably wouldn't be thinking about going
Speaker 3: on a trip. If anything can happen at any time, absolutely,
Speaker 3: so I just kind of let it rock. I remember
Speaker 3: telling his brother about it as well too, and then
Speaker 3: his brother saying that that wasn't a good time either
Speaker 3: because he was going to be working. They didn't have
Speaker 3: the same spring break as we did, so I kind
Speaker 3: of just moved on with the plans. My brother and
Speaker 3: sister were able to make it, and then my parents,
Speaker 3: because they live with us and they retired, typically travel
Speaker 3: with us for help. So in addition to my immediate
Speaker 3: family coming, Devalo's family not being able to make it
Speaker 3: I then said, damn, I didn't want it to just
Speaker 3: be my family. So I was trying to think of
Speaker 3: other friends or people that are close to the val
Speaker 3: So I had reached out to his best friend Balal,
Speaker 3: his castmates Chino and Brian. I was looking at hotels
Speaker 3: nearby that they could stay at, and that's how I
Speaker 3: was planning out the trip for his birthday. But of
Speaker 3: course a big piece would have been missing his parents.
Speaker 3: But to me, in that moment, I felt like the
Speaker 3: presidents for them, or what took precedence was his sister,
Speaker 3: you know, almost having a baby. So I didn't follow
Speaker 3: up any further, and in retrospect, I could have reached
Speaker 3: out to his mom directly as well too, just says
Speaker 3: the woman of the house.
Speaker 2: Who may be making her own plans.
Speaker 3: You know, she might have found a way to finagel
Speaker 3: coming out there for a couple of days and then
Speaker 3: going back. I didn't give her the option, and that
Speaker 3: was the problem.
Speaker 1: Right So hear now hearing everything that Kadean went through
Speaker 1: to try to make the plans, I remember, it's a
Speaker 1: surprise to me, so I have no idea what's happening.
Speaker 1: The kids get COVID, we go to check for COVID.
Speaker 1: The first thing k says is I had plans to
Speaker 1: take you to Jamaica. Yeah, and now we won't be
Speaker 1: able to go because the kids have And I was like, dang,
Speaker 1: So I called my parents. We had just came back
Speaker 1: from New York visiting my parents because Kadeen and I
Speaker 1: had just spoke on the Breakfast Club and when I
Speaker 1: first came back, my parents knew that the kids were sick.
Speaker 1: So I called them to tell him like, yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: the kids are sick and unfortunately we won't be able
Speaker 1: to go to Jamaica. I assumed that Kadeen had included everybody,
Speaker 1: so when I said that, my mom goes, who's going
Speaker 1: to Jamaica? And I said, well, we're all going for
Speaker 1: my birthday and she said, oh, oh, well that's nice.
Speaker 1: And I was like, were you supposed to be going too,
Speaker 1: and she said she didn't hear it. I could hear
Speaker 1: the disappointment in her voice. So then I immediately got
Speaker 1: on the phone where we were at the urgent Cargina.
Speaker 1: I said, yo, you didn't call my mom about Jamaica
Speaker 1: and she was just like, no, I spoke to your
Speaker 1: dad and my first thing was, did you how why
Speaker 1: would you not call my mom? Like you didn't even
Speaker 1: give her the option or the choice. So I said, so,
Speaker 1: who's supposed to be going to Jamaica? So when she
Speaker 1: went over the list of people and it was all
Speaker 1: of her family and a couple of my friends, and
Speaker 1: I was like, well, if my family couldn't make it
Speaker 1: on that day of that week, why wouldn't we adjust
Speaker 1: it to make it so that my family could be there?
Speaker 1: Like I think my family should be there for my birthday.
Speaker 1: And Kadeen was like, you know, I really didn't think
Speaker 1: about adjusting it for anybody. I just these are the
Speaker 1: days that we had based on what we were doing,
Speaker 1: and I was going to see who could make it.
Speaker 1: So at first I was pissed, like I was upset.
Speaker 1: I felt like this isn't fair. I said, you navigated
Speaker 1: everything to make sure all your family could make it,
Speaker 1: but since my family can't make it, they just get
Speaker 1: disposed of. And Kadeen was like, that's not really how
Speaker 1: it went down. Like the kids have spring break on
Speaker 1: this week. I want the kids to be included. So
Speaker 1: this is how it is. And after we spoke at
Speaker 1: nauseum for hours, we were able to kind of realize
Speaker 1: what had happened, because when you think about it, I
Speaker 1: was presented with my mom don't know we're going to Jamaica.
Speaker 1: So I'm upset already. I'm on a thousand.
Speaker 2: It was the way you were thrown into it.
Speaker 1: That was the way I was thrown into it. Plus
Speaker 1: the kids having it was just like it was a lot.
Speaker 2: It was a lot going on.
Speaker 3: And then to me, I was just like, why do
Speaker 3: you have to phrase it as Oh, you made sure
Speaker 3: that your family were able to make it within these dates, but.
Speaker 2: You didn't make sure my family wasn't.
Speaker 3: And I was like, bro, these were the dates based
Speaker 3: on our immediate family, meaning me, you, and the boys,
Speaker 3: because this is when they have spring break, this is
Speaker 3: when your birthday. Felt I can't move your birthday. Your
Speaker 3: birthday is your birthday. So if these are the dates
Speaker 3: and my family is able to adjust their schedule to
Speaker 3: make it happen and yours can't adjust, then that, to me.
Speaker 2: Was it my fault.
Speaker 3: You know, my family has a little bit more flexibility
Speaker 3: within their career fields than yours does, so it was
Speaker 3: never any malice intended. And when I did realize too,
Speaker 3: that damn a bunch of DeVos core people wouldn't be
Speaker 3: able to make it. I made sure to be like, Okay, listen, friends,
Speaker 3: please try to come through for the val so he
Speaker 3: can at least have some of his people there because
Speaker 3: he's gonna want to celebrate with his people, right.
Speaker 1: And we did come to an understanding, but to me,
Speaker 1: it still felt like if my family couldn't be hitting,
Speaker 1: that trip shouldn't have been happening at that moment. Then
Speaker 1: That's that's how I felt at the moment. I was like,
Speaker 1: if my parents, my brother, and my sister can't come,
Speaker 1: then it shouldn't be a birthday trip for Deval. Let's
Speaker 1: take the kids on spring break and do something, but
Speaker 1: let's do something on my birthday when my family can
Speaker 1: be there. And I feel like that is where the
Speaker 1: communication had to come in because if it were me
Speaker 1: and me and Kadeen say this all the time, you
Speaker 1: do things differently don't mean is done right. It just
Speaker 1: means that you do things differently. It don't mean that
Speaker 1: I do things right. It just means that I do
Speaker 1: things differently. In my perspective, I felt like if it
Speaker 1: was December, matter of fact, and the kids were going
Speaker 1: on break, but your parents couldn't make it to a
Speaker 1: birthday celebration that I was doing for you. I just
Speaker 1: wouldn't have did it, you see what I'm saying, Like
Speaker 1: I'd have been like, well, you know what, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: have to find the time to make sure Kadeen's family
Speaker 1: is going to be involved. But if we have a
Speaker 1: break for the kids, were gonna do something with the kids.
Speaker 1: But I'm gonna find a way to include your family
Speaker 1: as well. And I don't plan trips. That's not what
Speaker 1: I do. Like, that's Kadeen's wheelhouse, So for me to
Speaker 1: tell her how to do she's been doing was a
Speaker 1: little unfair because you don't want who handles all of
Speaker 1: the you know, handle all of these logistics, the logistics
Speaker 1: to finding details and exact people. But for me, I
Speaker 1: just felt like saying, well, his parents can't make it
Speaker 1: his birthday celebration, Oh well, I felt like that was
Speaker 1: a little bit like fucked up.
Speaker 3: But you know what I'm saying, I can I totally
Speaker 3: get your perspective on that. However, I know I was
Speaker 3: dealing with the brunt of hearing you say, damn every
Speaker 3: year for my birthday, I should get fucked up. I
Speaker 3: can't do anything for my birthday. Every year we have
Speaker 3: something planned for my birthday, something pops up. But I
Speaker 3: heard that for like the four consecutive leaders before that.
Speaker 3: So my main purpose in life at that point was
Speaker 3: to get Devlot out of the country for his birthday.
Speaker 3: Regardless of what that looked like. I just wanted that
Speaker 3: to be the plan, and I just felt like the
Speaker 3: more the mirror. At that point, I had already told
Speaker 3: certain people about the trip. So instead of me canceling
Speaker 3: everybody else's plans because they move their plans around too,
Speaker 3: I'm like, whoever can come, can come, who can't can't,
Speaker 3: and then we'll have to celebrate with your family in
Speaker 3: a later date. But in that moment, I wasn't even
Speaker 3: thinking about the families. Was thinking about you and how
Speaker 3: you would be disappointed if we didn't have a plan
Speaker 3: for your birthday.
Speaker 1: So I know you were thinking about me, but you
Speaker 1: was also thinking about you having to hear my voice
Speaker 1: if we did nothing. But my thing is we didn't
Speaker 1: have to do nothing. We could have went to Jamaica
Speaker 1: with our kids. My thing is, if my family can't
Speaker 1: come to an event, then it shouldn't just be the
Speaker 1: event still happens without his family. The event should only
Speaker 1: happen when both families should be there. And I think
Speaker 1: that was that was the miscommunication because then a year later,
Speaker 1: when we were going, we were planning to go away
Speaker 1: for the holidays, you were like, well, I want to
Speaker 1: go away with my mom for her birthday and it
Speaker 1: was around the holidays, and I was like cool. So
Speaker 1: I was like, let me invite my parents, and you
Speaker 1: was just like, well, I just want to do something
Speaker 1: with my immediate family. So I said cool, and you
Speaker 1: were like the kids And I was like, well, the
Speaker 1: kids won't be going because the kids are going to
Speaker 1: be with me, and you were like, well, I want
Speaker 1: the kids to be with us for my mom's celebration.
Speaker 1: And I'm like yeah, and me included. But I'm like yeah,
Speaker 1: but you can't just take all my kids away from
Speaker 1: the house, away from my family because your family wants
Speaker 1: to do something. And I think a lot of times
Speaker 1: when it comes to families, you have traditions. My family
Speaker 1: has traditions. Your families have ways to do things. My
Speaker 1: families have ways to do things. For example, if everybody
Speaker 1: can't be included for an event in my family, that
Speaker 1: event is just not happening, and your family it's more like, okay,
Speaker 1: if you can't well it can't go. You can't go.
Speaker 3: Because I like, for example, my parents, my brother, and
Speaker 3: my sister. If it was the other way around with Jamaica,
Speaker 3: for example, they'd have been like, oh no, like, don't
Speaker 3: cancel the plans, Like you got to make sure y'all
Speaker 3: go and celebrate, so go ahead, And they wouldn't feel
Speaker 3: the kind of way the would just be like, go ahead,
Speaker 3: we can't make it, don't cancel the trip on our cord.
Speaker 3: Still make it happen. So it's again a difference of
Speaker 3: how people deal with it.
Speaker 1: And I think that's what people need to start realizing.
Speaker 1: When someone does something to you, it's not with malice.
Speaker 1: It's just this is the way my family has been
Speaker 1: doing things. Your family has been doing things this way.
Speaker 1: That doesn't mean that you're doing it on purpose to
Speaker 1: alienate my family did not include my family, but it's like,
Speaker 1: this is the way we do things. And the way
Speaker 1: you can get through those situations is by constantly having conversations, Oh.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we have definitely a couple tips here.
Speaker 3: Well, we had tips that tripple came up for splitting
Speaker 3: holidays specifically, because I think that's typically when a lot
Speaker 3: of people have riffs, you know, when it's like major
Speaker 3: holidays and people are off and it's.
Speaker 1: Like who's gonna do what We're it's not just how
Speaker 1: itday can also be because because it's also remember our
Speaker 1: parents live six blocks away from each other.
Speaker 3: M h.
Speaker 1: My parents felt like every time Kadeen goes to drop
Speaker 1: the kids off, she would drop the kids to her family.
Speaker 1: And I had to say to my parents, well, Kadeen
Speaker 1: is going to drop the kids off to whoever's the
Speaker 1: most she's the most comfortable, if it's the last minute.
Speaker 1: She doesn't mind inconveniencing her parents the same way I
Speaker 1: don't mind inconveniencing my parents. But when she has the kids,
Speaker 1: she's gonna go with her parents. Also, her parents ask
Speaker 1: for the kids all the time, all the time, And
Speaker 1: I asked my dad, I said, well, why don't y'all
Speaker 1: asked for the kids? And my dad said to me,
Speaker 1: your mom doesn't want to be overbearing. My mom had
Speaker 1: to deal with an overbearing mother in law, so she
Speaker 1: purposely removed herself and said, I'm going to allow them
Speaker 1: to do things when they're comfortable. I said, I get
Speaker 1: that school, but you can't say you're going to allow
Speaker 1: me to do things when I'm comfortable, but then get
Speaker 1: upset because you guys aren't chosen. And then that made
Speaker 1: me realize, like, dang, it's not just a communication with
Speaker 1: me and my wife. I also have to continuously communicate
Speaker 1: to my parents that this is the way my wife moves.
Speaker 1: So it's not just the one way communication with one
Speaker 1: partner or the holidays. This was simple, as simple as
Speaker 1: dropping the kids, had an audition or you had a
Speaker 1: makeup to toil to do.
Speaker 3: I think it's fair to say that anybody is okay
Speaker 3: with in that last minute moment inconveniencing the person they
Speaker 3: know best. Yes, So whether it was my sister, my father, mama,
Speaker 3: or whoever I knew, has flexibility. Right. So with my
Speaker 3: dad being retired, I know I'm going to have a
Speaker 3: better chance of dropping the kids over to him and
Speaker 3: not ruffling any feathers in his day versus trying to
Speaker 3: drop him over to your dad who works from home
Speaker 3: during the day so the kids would be a disruption
Speaker 3: to him. So I think in moments like that, a
Speaker 3: lot of it was taken as a you know, your
Speaker 3: family does this versus my family does this, or my
Speaker 3: family does more than your family because they're always doing
Speaker 3: this for the kids in yours don't. Yeah, I think
Speaker 3: we really had to work through that because you were
Speaker 3: looking at your mom's sideways, and I was too at
Speaker 3: some points like them, like she really don't be caring
Speaker 3: to have these kids ever.
Speaker 1: I looked at everybody sideways. I looked at my mom sideways.
Speaker 1: I looked at your mom sideways. I looked at you sideways,
Speaker 1: I looked at my post sideways. The only person I
Speaker 1: didn't look at sideways was was your father?
Speaker 3: Really?
Speaker 2: How come?
Speaker 1: Because your father's the most easy going in person. Right,
Speaker 1: I'll give you a trule. He is name. One time
Speaker 1: your father has complained about anything.
Speaker 2: That's father name.
Speaker 1: One time.
Speaker 2: That's a fact.
Speaker 1: Okay, So my mom will complains. My mom will complain
Speaker 1: that the kids number one won't don't call her house
Speaker 1: school and on this house is just school house, right.
Speaker 1: But then when the kids go over there, she'd be
Speaker 1: upstairs right right. So my mom will complain, and then
Speaker 1: she'll complain that we don't bring the kids over. But
Speaker 1: my mom's always working, Like my mom works six days
Speaker 1: a week and sometimes on Sundays. So the last person
Speaker 1: that we're thinking is going to want to watch kids.
Speaker 2: It's my mom that is accurate.
Speaker 1: My pops works from home, and he complains that, you know,
Speaker 1: your mother ain't see the kids. So I'm like, you
Speaker 1: complaining to me that she ain't see the mommy ain't home.
Speaker 3: You remember that one time, I think it was Christmas
Speaker 3: Eve or the day before Christmas Eve, we took the
Speaker 3: boys over by the house and your mother looked so
Speaker 3: exasperated that we had call them there because they were
Speaker 3: running around and stuff. She was trying to straighten up
Speaker 3: for Christmas. And I was kind of like, maybe we
Speaker 3: should go because it seems like your mom is a
Speaker 3: little annoyed.
Speaker 1: And I got there, I said, yo, let's go to
Speaker 1: Brian's house because one thing I don't like is an
Speaker 1: exasperated wife or mom. I grew up in the house
Speaker 1: with exasperated mom, right, I grew up. I'm in a
Speaker 1: house right now with an exasperated wife. When they mom,
Speaker 1: we just had Kyrol's birthday. K seemed exasperated. Your mom
Speaker 1: seemed exasperated. Women be exasperated, right, So when I get
Speaker 1: in a space where people seem exasperated, I just take
Speaker 1: my kids and leave. But that's my point is like
Speaker 1: your mom always has something to say. My mom always
Speaker 1: has something to say, My dad always has something to say.
Speaker 1: Your father is the only one who just be like whatever.
Speaker 2: Whatever you need, however you need me, just let me know.
Speaker 1: And I think it's important for people to understand that
Speaker 1: your family isn't the only family going through this, especially
Speaker 1: when kids get involved. Right. Your mom loves being around
Speaker 1: the kids. Every time we go to take the kids somewhere,
Speaker 1: and she said, who said I need a break? But
Speaker 1: it's like mine yesterday you were exasperating, tired and dropping
Speaker 1: the kids off of the room and leave it. So
Speaker 1: you didn't say you need a break, but you needed
Speaker 1: a break. My mom never admits that it's a bad time.
Speaker 1: But then when you take the kids with this, sometimes
Speaker 1: she looks like she's just like damn, like right now.
Speaker 1: So it's like everybody who's listening. If your family's going
Speaker 1: through issues with who's going to watch the kids, who's
Speaker 1: going to what event, that's not just your family. Yes,
Speaker 1: everybody's family goes through that. And it all starts with
Speaker 1: how you communicate. Everything boils down to how you communicate
Speaker 1: with your parents first and then with your spouse.
Speaker 3: Remember, for a while you said you didn't think I
Speaker 3: felt comfortable speaking to your family or asking them, you know,
Speaker 3: to watch the kids or to be involved in whatever's capacity.
Speaker 3: And you were like, why won't you just like call
Speaker 3: my mom and dad directly, And I'm like, I just
Speaker 3: was more comfortable calling mind directly because they were my family,
Speaker 3: you know, when we were back home, and like I said,
Speaker 3: if I'm gonna last when it inconvenience somebody, it's going
Speaker 3: to be my family. But then you were like, no,
Speaker 3: you need to be able to also just call my
Speaker 3: family and ask. Like they're not going to offer, so
Speaker 3: you have to call and ask. So I said, say less.
Speaker 3: So now I got a group chat with your brother, sister,
Speaker 3: your mother, your father, and your sister, so everybody is
Speaker 3: in the loop. There's some group chats that I put
Speaker 3: Deval in just to loop him in so he knows
Speaker 3: I did communicate x y Z to said family member.
Speaker 2: Because I ain't trying to hear.
Speaker 3: Oh you did this versus my family, and when it
Speaker 3: comes to your family, you do this, but when mine,
Speaker 3: I hate that, Like I hate that because I feel
Speaker 3: like we've been together long enough where both families are
Speaker 3: just family regardless.
Speaker 2: I don't look at it as yours versus mine thing.
Speaker 1: That, But I also hate my family not healing stuff,
Speaker 1: so you cat it. But you also got to remember,
Speaker 1: you don't speak to my brother and sister as much
Speaker 1: as you speak to your brother and sister. And my
Speaker 1: brother and sister have kids, so my brother and sister
Speaker 1: can't just run and come to everything. Your brother and
Speaker 1: sister can run and come to everything because they don't
Speaker 1: have kids exactly. So the same way you don't want
Speaker 1: to hear is always your family, not my family. I
Speaker 1: don't want to hear. Well, my family supports because they can.
Speaker 1: My brother coaches football, my sister is everybody doing, but
Speaker 1: but there's certain that they can't just leave in two
Speaker 1: days and going to Atlanta, exact what I'm saying. So
Speaker 1: even that, ladies and gentlemen, you got to speak to parents,
Speaker 1: You got to speak to your spouse. But then if
Speaker 1: you have brothers and sisters, you also have to speak
Speaker 1: to both of them. Because there are times too when
Speaker 1: my brother and my sister's just like, YO, how come
Speaker 1: we didn't get invited to so and so and I'd
Speaker 1: be like, well, we didn't invite anybody. Cay's brother and
Speaker 1: sister asked if they can come, so they came, They
Speaker 1: bought their ticket. They came like we didn't ask anybody
Speaker 1: to come. Whoever wants to support can support. But then
Speaker 1: the outside people looking in will be like damn. They
Speaker 1: went and I didn't go exactly, and once again, nothing
Speaker 1: was done maliciously. But they asked, you didn't I didn't
Speaker 1: invite they came.
Speaker 2: They inquire all the time. Y'all don't like.
Speaker 1: It just and it's just a different family things.
Speaker 2: People move.
Speaker 1: You're my brother and sister be looking at me funny.
Speaker 1: Then your brother and sister be looking at you funny,
Speaker 1: Like wait a minute, how come they not here? We
Speaker 1: the only ones here? Are we being overbearing? So I
Speaker 1: remember at one point Sakari was just like, are we
Speaker 1: bothering y'all? Like we always here? And I'm just like no,
Speaker 1: And then they're like, but we don't. We're the ones
Speaker 1: who always hear. I said yeah, because y'all want to come, right,
Speaker 1: They want to come too, but they got to work
Speaker 1: here and they don't work from home, so they can't come.
Speaker 1: Like it's nothing malicious, But I need people to realize
Speaker 1: how the different family dynamics can be taken away because
Speaker 1: I grew up in the family not going to say
Speaker 1: no names where there wasn't, in an uncle who felt
Speaker 1: like they were ostracized from the rest of the family
Speaker 1: for certain reasons, and one of the main reasons was
Speaker 1: a certain aunt in an uncle passed them up to
Speaker 1: take the kids to another aunt and uncle and it
Speaker 1: was like, well, why'd you pass our house to take
Speaker 1: them there when you could have just took them here?
Speaker 1: And it was like, well, that uncle always asked for them,
Speaker 1: so we took them there, and it was just like, oh,
Speaker 1: so you don't mess with us. And it's like it
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be the like, why does it have
Speaker 1: to be a yours versus mind? Why can't we just
Speaker 1: discuss why we did that, have an understanding, and then
Speaker 1: everybody moved collectively to compromise. And it always ends with kids,
Speaker 1: kids and holidays. It's problem taking a baby somewhere or
Speaker 1: going to somebody's house on the holiday, right, and it's
Speaker 1: not an easy conversation to have. And as you can
Speaker 1: hear now, even when we're having the conversations, it's still like, yeah,
Speaker 1: but I need it this way. Yeah, but I like
Speaker 1: it that way. It's never gonna stop, it's.
Speaker 2: Never going to think about it.
Speaker 3: We're two people within a relationship, right as a spouse,
Speaker 3: married couple. Then you're trying to include the feelings of
Speaker 3: two other people, like said.
Speaker 2: Mother and father.
Speaker 3: So then now you have six people emotions you're trying
Speaker 3: to manage through communication.
Speaker 2: And then if you have the extended.
Speaker 3: Brothers, or if you have the aunts and uncles who.
Speaker 1: Are uncles too, who will be like, how come we
Speaker 1: don't ever get the boys?
Speaker 3: How come we don't do And I'm just like they hear.
Speaker 3: And when you have four kids, you're not always like
Speaker 3: wanting to call somebody and be like, here, take all
Speaker 3: four of these kids at one time.
Speaker 2: We know that that can be a lot.
Speaker 3: We live it every single day, so we're not always
Speaker 3: going to be the ones to try to inconvenience people
Speaker 3: and say, hey, can you take all four children at
Speaker 3: one time? It's a lot to deal with. It is,
Speaker 3: and we're cognizant of that. It's really cognizant of that.
Speaker 3: You want to helper at us never gonna say no.
Speaker 1: Because there's another thing that we're cognizant of it's hard
Speaker 1: to pick up four kids and take them somewhere. So
Speaker 1: when you keep asking us, how can we ain't seen
Speaker 1: the kids because we don't want to get our big
Speaker 1: selves up, pack up three kids and a toddler, put
Speaker 1: them in the car and drive anywhere.
Speaker 2: Period when we.
Speaker 1: Got time to ourselves, you don't. We want to do nothing.
Speaker 1: It's still that's it. It's still nothing.
Speaker 3: Even when we live in Brooklyn. I'm like, y'all know
Speaker 3: where we live. Why do we always have to bring
Speaker 3: the kids to you? You can say, hey, y'all, we're
Speaker 3: gonna swing by. We'll come stay at the house with
Speaker 3: the kids. Because at the time Kirra and kas were
Speaker 3: still babies, they were toddlers. Yes, y'all can come say, oh,
Speaker 3: we're gonna come chill with the kids. So you would
Speaker 3: deval go. We'll gladly leave the house and go on
Speaker 3: a date day or date night if you want to
Speaker 3: come by and see the kids like that was always
Speaker 3: the offer, but no one took us up on it
Speaker 3: except for a very select few.
Speaker 1: And a very select few would come by the house
Speaker 1: to watch the kids. Yes, and even that, now here's
Speaker 1: the crazy part, right, I talked about my cy vers
Speaker 1: your side when they came to Kay and me, But
Speaker 1: I also had to deal with your cy verse my
Speaker 1: side when it came to my mom family and my
Speaker 1: pop's family. Because one side of the family would ask
Speaker 1: us all the time when of the boys coming by,
Speaker 1: when the boys coming by, just bring them by, just
Speaker 1: drop them by, or I'll come get them. The other
Speaker 1: side would be a little bit more chill, so whenever
Speaker 1: we needed somebody to watch them, we would take them
Speaker 1: to the ones that was asking, and then the other
Speaker 1: ones would be like, oh, well, we live right down
Speaker 1: the block. How can y'all never ask us? And I'm like, yo, yo,
Speaker 1: they asked, they asked. And I'm just giving these examples
Speaker 1: because we do get these no letters about people be
Speaker 1: like my mom want to see the kids, my husband
Speaker 1: don't feel comfortable with this, I don't like.
Speaker 2: This person, So how do I Yep, you know.
Speaker 1: How you navigate it? Talk about it.
Speaker 2: You got to talk about it and.
Speaker 1: Understand that nothing is being done maliciously unless someone in
Speaker 1: your family is being malicious, and that's what your kids.
Speaker 3: You may have certain boundaries based off of historically how
Speaker 3: things move facts, so that then requires a certain extra
Speaker 3: added layer of communication. So just some quick tips for
Speaker 3: splitting holidays, specifically talking honestly and openly and being willing
Speaker 3: to compromise.
Speaker 2: Compromising is a big thing.
Speaker 3: Luckily, Develin, I fell into a situation where his family
Speaker 3: celebrates Christmas Eve really big, and then my family does
Speaker 3: Christmas Day really big, so that wasn't really an issue.
Speaker 3: But now that we have our own family with our
Speaker 3: own boys, we've kind of become like the stationary house
Speaker 3: for Christmas. So both families feel comfortable coming down, and
Speaker 3: we have an open door policy because we love when
Speaker 3: all of the families together, especially for the holidays. Christmas
Speaker 3: is like a big thing for me.
Speaker 2: As y'all know.
Speaker 3: Sidebar, my Christmas trees are being done. Sit off as
Speaker 3: we speak, in case you guys are wondering. The minute
Speaker 3: a little bit of chill gets into the air, you know,
Speaker 3: I'm already looking at my Christmas trees and just itching.
Speaker 3: So I can't wait till the next round of family
Speaker 3: members come down so they can help me. Okay, a
Speaker 3: lot of specific days during the holiday season for each family.
Speaker 3: Consider alternating years with each family, offer to host everyone
Speaker 3: at your house at your home, so that's typically what
Speaker 3: we do for Christmas because then there's no excuse. We
Speaker 3: both kind of get what we want out of it.
Speaker 3: Split the day between each family if possible. That's usually
Speaker 3: a hard one, like on Christmas Day, it'll be hard
Speaker 3: to go in the morning and midday go somewhere else.
Speaker 3: Thanksgiving will hop around, but Christmas not so much. And
Speaker 3: then starting your own tradition. So I'm kind of just
Speaker 3: anticipating a little sad that maybe once my sister has
Speaker 3: her own family, gets married, she's going to want to
Speaker 3: start her own traditions with her husband and her children,
Speaker 3: you know, the same way my brother is going to
Speaker 3: do that. And I know I have four boys, like
Speaker 3: I don't know, yeah exactly.
Speaker 1: As a girlfriend, she has her own kids. And this
Speaker 1: was this past Father's Day. They had something from my brother,
Speaker 1: so he didn't come to spend Father's Day with me
Speaker 1: and my post. But this is the most important thing.
Speaker 1: There has to be understanding. And also we all as
Speaker 1: individuals have to let go of our entitlement. And when
Speaker 1: I say all, I mean everybody me included.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 1: I learned that I have to stop expecting you to
Speaker 1: do things the way I would do and I have
Speaker 1: to stop expecting your family to celebrate the way we celebrate,
Speaker 1: because in my mind, it was if y'all would just
Speaker 1: celebrate the way we celebrate, but on a different day,
Speaker 1: it'd be more convenient for both parties. And it sounds easy,
Speaker 1: but then it's like you're asking a family to change
Speaker 1: their home tradition because you were entitled to that day.
Speaker 1: And I think a lot of people need to start
Speaker 1: realizing that no one is entitled to anyone else's time
Speaker 1: just because we're family, Like, we have to let that go,
Speaker 1: you know, like, oh, you're my son, you're supposed to
Speaker 1: do this, so you're my wife. No, let's have a
Speaker 1: conversation about what both parties can offer and compromise. That's
Speaker 1: the only way it can happen. And if we let
Speaker 1: go of.
Speaker 3: Our entitlement, for sure, I know I'm already going to
Speaker 3: have to start to talk myself out of that because
Speaker 3: having four sons, you know, the boys normally tend to
Speaker 3: get up and go wherever their significant other goes too
Speaker 3: a lot of the time, So you can speak to
Speaker 3: that in general, and sometimes it just happens because it
Speaker 3: just naturally happens that way, with no malice. Intended and
Speaker 3: you just kind of naturally go where the girl goes.
Speaker 3: So I'm already anticipating what that's going to look like,
Speaker 3: having potentially an empty house for Christmas.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: There's no potential is. I'm going to be honest with you.
Speaker 1: Everything you're used to having now is going to change.
Speaker 1: When I look at my brother, I look at myself.
Speaker 1: And the only reason why I say them and not
Speaker 1: my sisters because we have all boys.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: When my brother has to make decisions about holidays and family,
Speaker 1: whoever his significant other is at the time is who
Speaker 1: he leaves and who he leads on. Because the same
Speaker 1: way I lean on you, he doesn't playing trips and stuff.
Speaker 1: He's like, I'm like, yo, what you're doing for this day?
Speaker 1: He'd be like, oh, so and so is doing this
Speaker 1: for me. So that's why I'm rocking. Same way they'll
Speaker 1: be like, yodavour, what's the plans? What's the first thing?
Speaker 1: I say? Yeah, okay, don't ask me. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. So I can't sit here and say, boys,
Speaker 1: Christmas is your mother's holiday, all y'all be I mean,
Speaker 1: I can say that, and I know that they'll they
Speaker 1: will try but I also don't want to cause a
Speaker 1: riff because I also understand that just because we're their
Speaker 1: parents don't mean we're entitled to them on that day exactly.
Speaker 1: And I feel like if more people utilize that as
Speaker 1: a way to decide, like, you know what, let me be,
Speaker 1: let me not be a problem, let me be a solution,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. That's the way I view
Speaker 1: things now. I don't ever want to come with a problem.
Speaker 1: I want to be a solution.
Speaker 3: It's funny you say that, because I'm already forward thinking, like,
Speaker 3: is it a thing where we do like alternating years
Speaker 3: and just say hey, boys, like, okay, on every even year,
Speaker 3: we're going to have Christmas here. So if you guys
Speaker 3: want to come down with your family and the odd years,
Speaker 3: me and your father going to be on the south
Speaker 3: of France. We're going to be at the.
Speaker 2: Coast of Italy doing something. So that's what Christmas is
Speaker 2: going to look like for us.
Speaker 3: So y'all can figure it out amongst yourselves and amongst
Speaker 3: you Is that how you want to do it?
Speaker 2: I don't know. I was just throwing it out there.
Speaker 3: It's like how it would look, you know, in the future.
Speaker 3: To avoid their being you know, riffs.
Speaker 1: Potentially, I would say this, this is what I would say.
Speaker 1: There's never going to be a time where I'm going
Speaker 1: to be comfortable with not seeing my boys on the holidays,
Speaker 1: for sure, for a year, for sure. So what I
Speaker 1: would tell them is, look, we're going to do Christmas
Speaker 1: or Thanksgiving on a non traditional day, right, so we'll
Speaker 1: celebrate like my family celebrates it on Christmas Eve, right,
Speaker 1: because my dad realized that celebrating on Christmas Day is
Speaker 1: asking all of these other people to travel on the
Speaker 1: day where they want to be with family. But she
Speaker 1: he was like, let's have it on Christmas Eve, the
Speaker 1: night before. So I think we would probably do something similar.
Speaker 1: I like that. It's like, hey, boys, what are y'all doing,
Speaker 1: you know, Christmas Eve eve?
Speaker 3: Right?
Speaker 1: Or if if Christmas is the day where y'all want
Speaker 1: to be with your girls and do all this stuff
Speaker 1: Christmas Eve, can y'all come spend Christmas Eve with me
Speaker 1: and your mind?
Speaker 3: Right?
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 3: Non auditions for the New Year's Day party or New
Speaker 3: Year's Eve party or Thanksgiving.
Speaker 1: We do a Friday, we do you know something, a
Speaker 1: good Friday dinner as opposed to Thanksgiving Black Friday Black
Speaker 1: Friday dinner, So like, that's that would be my option
Speaker 1: that I would say, here's a solution.
Speaker 2: Thinking about it, well, but this is.
Speaker 1: Life, right, You gotta you gotta decide, like, am I
Speaker 1: going to be the overbearing mom that causes problems every
Speaker 1: holiday or when the kids have when our kids have
Speaker 1: children to be like, you better bring them to me first.
Speaker 1: You can either decide to be that mom, or you
Speaker 1: can be the mom that says, hey, guys.
Speaker 2: Yes, I'm here whenever you I'm here.
Speaker 1: When you need. These are the days I'm available. These
Speaker 1: are days I'm not and let them say, oh my
Speaker 1: mom said. And I feel like that's the best way for.
Speaker 3: Sure to be involved, but not overbearings. I definitely don't
Speaker 3: want to be that either and driving them away.
Speaker 2: All alriting.
Speaker 3: All right, hope this give you guys a little insight
Speaker 3: and little help to let you guys know that the
Speaker 3: conversation is always gonna keep rolling, child, especially when it
Speaker 3: comes to families. So let's take a quick break and
Speaker 3: we're gonna move into listening letters after we get into
Speaker 3: these ads, So stick around and we'll be back.
Speaker 1: All right, We're back, and if you saw my eyes bulged,
Speaker 1: it's because this listening letter is like, wow, long, I'm
Speaker 1: not even.
Speaker 3: Going We asked for context. Yeah, I'm not even and
Speaker 3: they're giving us context.
Speaker 1: I'm just sorting.
Speaker 2: You're gonna read your story. You're gonna go first, all right,
Speaker 2: go for.
Speaker 1: It here ye here, No, Hey, guys, I want to
Speaker 1: start out by giving you your flowers. Thank you so
Speaker 1: much what you have done for the black and brown
Speaker 1: community to open them dialogues that we would never think
Speaker 1: to talk about. Thank you. Are You're amazing? Thank you.
Speaker 1: Oh you guys are amazing. You're amazing as well. I
Speaker 1: would like to remain anonymous. Now let's start. I need
Speaker 1: help in capital letters.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 1: My husband and I have been married for two years.
Speaker 1: I am twenty eight and my husband is thirty three.
Speaker 1: I have to start by saying I am a born
Speaker 1: and raised Guyanese woman and Guyanese GT and he's American.
Speaker 1: This will make sense soon, Kadean. I know you are
Speaker 1: from a West Indian household, so our culture of liming,
Speaker 1: partying and carnival is something we grew up with. Yes, man, Now,
Speaker 1: my husband wasn't raised that way. He was born and
Speaker 1: raised in New York, but tends to shy away from
Speaker 1: the Caribean Caribbean culture.
Speaker 2: That's that's hard to do in New York. It's everywhere.
Speaker 1: The first year of our relationship, I got pregnant, So
Speaker 1: the time that we were supposed to use to introduce
Speaker 1: each other to our cultures was used to prepare for
Speaker 1: this new life. Of this new life coming makes sense now.
Speaker 1: Prior to being together, I used to go to FETs
Speaker 1: all the time in the summer with my friends. When
Speaker 1: I got When I got pregnant, of course that stopped.
Speaker 1: We ended up moving out of the state and having
Speaker 1: our baby. After that, we got married, like I mentioned before,
Speaker 1: and of course I can't live my life like like
Speaker 1: I'm single. I'm a married woman and mother. But I'm
Speaker 1: also not a prude, not a poune she put pune prudy. Yeah,
Speaker 1: now here's the problem. My husband would prefer that I
Speaker 1: go didn't go to parties. His reasoning behind it is
Speaker 1: what are you going there for? You are dressing up
Speaker 1: and dancing for guys to look at you. That's not
Speaker 1: what a married person should be doing. But I explain
Speaker 1: to him that this is my culture. Carnival is in
Speaker 1: my blood. We aren't going to parties to look for
Speaker 1: attention for a man. We are going to enjoy good
Speaker 1: music that is in a group setting that has good vibesep.
Speaker 1: He still doesn't understand it, and I get it, but
Speaker 1: I get it because it isn't his culture. I even
Speaker 1: try to invite him, and all he does is make
Speaker 1: excuses not to go because it isn't his thing. Now,
Speaker 1: every time I want to go out, I get anxious
Speaker 1: just telling him because I know the uneasy feeling that
Speaker 1: will settle in afterwards. He even has a problem with
Speaker 1: the things I wear. I am a curvy five foot six,
Speaker 1: one hundred and ninety pound woman and can't hide my
Speaker 1: ass or boobs, but he gets upset if I wear
Speaker 1: leggings or a sun dress that is too tight, or
Speaker 1: show my curves. I already know what's happening here, so FYI.
Speaker 1: I only went to two parties this year, and his
Speaker 1: response is after this last one, I hope there are
Speaker 1: no more for the year. What should I do? How
Speaker 1: do I get him to be more understanding of my
Speaker 1: social life and the way I dress from a woman's
Speaker 1: and a man's perspective.
Speaker 2: Baby, it's giving all the insecurities.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna disagree with you on that you are. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna tell you why. If a woman says she doesn't
Speaker 1: want a man doing something, do we ever say, oh,
Speaker 1: she's showing her insecurities? Absolutely no, we don't. You know
Speaker 1: what we say if you listen to when people talk.
Speaker 1: If a woman says, I don't want you talking to her,
Speaker 1: I don't want you hanging out with your boys. I
Speaker 1: don't want you going to the strip club.
Speaker 2: That gives insecure to me.
Speaker 1: But what do women say? No, married man is supposed
Speaker 1: to be in the strip club? Why married man gonna
Speaker 1: be hanging out with his single friends? Don't women say
Speaker 1: that all the time? And what I'm saying is is
Speaker 1: that there has to be an understanding between two people
Speaker 1: prior to getting married about what marriage expectations look like.
Speaker 1: Now she said they got didn't for that, They didn't
Speaker 1: get a chance for that. Yes, they got pregnant immediately
Speaker 1: they got married. I think he has his boundaries and
Speaker 1: he's trying to set his boundaries. But you got a
Speaker 1: woman pregnant and got married before setting your boundaries, you
Speaker 1: can't then make her do what you want her to do.
Speaker 1: Now that in a way, she's kind of trapped because
Speaker 1: she got pregnant and is married. That time when they
Speaker 1: were dating, what should have happened was him saying, I
Speaker 1: don't like all this partying because that's not what I like.
Speaker 1: I don't like all this party. If that's something you're
Speaker 1: going to do or you need to do, then we
Speaker 1: can't be together or we can't move through life together.
Speaker 1: I don't think that's insecurities, and I don't think that
Speaker 1: she's wilding out for wanting the party. I think that
Speaker 1: this is what she enjoys and he doesn't enjoy it
Speaker 1: the same way. If a man was just like, yo,
Speaker 1: I go to strip club this is what I do.
Speaker 1: Is my culture. I'm from down South. Ain't no woman
Speaker 1: in the world going to be like, that's just Southern
Speaker 1: American culture going to strip clubs. Because let's be honest.
Speaker 1: If you go to strip clubs, women wear what g strings?
Speaker 1: They shake their ants and they dance. Right when you
Speaker 1: go to FETs, what do women wear? G strings? They
Speaker 1: shake their ass and they But we expect Americans to
Speaker 1: just say, oh, that's their culture. Is fine. But if
Speaker 1: you were to tell someone else that the strip clubs
Speaker 1: is our culture, they would say it's not fine.
Speaker 3: I guess it really depends on the person because personally,
Speaker 3: I know, I kind of know how you and I roll,
Speaker 3: and we don't put those kind of boundaries on each other.
Speaker 2: So it's hard to answer questions like.
Speaker 3: This sometimes because I'm just like, I don't see what's
Speaker 3: the big deal on either side, you know, but I
Speaker 3: do get what you're saying and where you're coming from.
Speaker 3: It's wrong to just automatically assume that someone's going to
Speaker 3: accept your way of life and your culture, and like
Speaker 3: you said, going into this, they really didn't have a
Speaker 3: chance to decipher what it was that they wanted to
Speaker 3: do or not. But also to we're not about necessarily
Speaker 3: putting boundaries and limitations on each other as individuals, and
Speaker 3: not a lot of people feel like that within their relationships.
Speaker 3: They feel like, these are my boundaries, These are the
Speaker 3: limitations that I have for you were to us, it's stifling. Yes,
Speaker 3: And I think that if it was the other way around,
Speaker 3: and like you said, he was going to be the
Speaker 3: person to say go out to strip clubs or do
Speaker 3: whatever it is, I'm wondering if she would give him
Speaker 3: the same courtesy or if she would just be like,
Speaker 3: all right, well that's what you're accustomed to doing. So
Speaker 3: what is he thinking that she's looking for attention or
Speaker 3: does he just not want her in those environments?
Speaker 2: Like, there's a lot of things to unpack.
Speaker 1: Because they never courted each other and they never had
Speaker 1: that conversation about what's acceptable and what's not acceptable, or
Speaker 1: what they like or what they don't like. And the
Speaker 1: only reason why I use the strip club analogy is
Speaker 1: because I don't like when we just immediately say someone
Speaker 1: is insecure when they don't want their partner to do something.
Speaker 1: I don't think that that's always insecurities, right, Like, for example,
Speaker 1: an open couple. If a couple is just open, right,
Speaker 1: the open relationship, and then a guy says, well, I
Speaker 1: don't want you to have sex with other people, the
Speaker 1: open couple would say to everyone else, oh, that's just insecurities,
Speaker 1: because they're cool with being in an open relationship. We
Speaker 1: can't judge people who don't want people to go to
Speaker 1: FETs or don't want people to go to strip club
Speaker 1: just because that's what we don't do, and then say,
Speaker 1: well that's insecure.
Speaker 3: But it's even him trying to control what she wears,
Speaker 3: like she says she can't hide her body. You know,
Speaker 3: so if she wears leggings or a sundress, he has
Speaker 3: a problem with it being too tight. And I'm just like, so,
Speaker 3: now you're trying to control what she's wearing out.
Speaker 1: Well, here's this is just my opinion, right, it's my opinion.
Speaker 1: I listen to women talk about what other women wear
Speaker 1: all the time. She that's too tight? Why would she
Speaker 1: wear that? Why are her I think about one of
Speaker 1: I don't want to say the names, but there's someone
Speaker 1: that we know who every time they go out, it's
Speaker 1: always cleavage, it's always spilling out right, And what do
Speaker 1: all the women say? Why always got to be right?
Speaker 1: But imagine if her boyfriends like, man, why you always
Speaker 1: got to then the women will be like, oh, he's controlling.
Speaker 1: I don't think it's controlling. If you don't want you.
Speaker 1: And he says, she's five six, one hundred and ninety pounds,
Speaker 1: which means she's curvy, she probably got busty. And you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, right, maybe he just doesn't feel
Speaker 1: comfortable with his wife showing that. I don't think that
Speaker 1: that's controlling. That's just something he don't feel comfortable with
Speaker 1: it depends controlling to me. Is him saying you're not
Speaker 1: going ever stay your ass, him saying I don't feel
Speaker 1: comfortable with that. It's him expressing how he feels.
Speaker 3: I mean right, because there have been times where I
Speaker 3: get your opinion on the outfit for its going out
Speaker 3: and you'd be like that might be a bit much,
Speaker 3: or you'd be like, I'd be more comfortable with you
Speaker 3: wearing that out with me, because if you get unwanted
Speaker 3: attention and then somebody is harassing you, then you're gonna
Speaker 3: be calling me like, Okay, somebody's trying to do x
Speaker 3: y Z. I mean somebody trying to get x y Z.
Speaker 3: Come handle this, you know which. I don't call to
Speaker 3: put you in a situation, never.
Speaker 1: Have, but you did call me one time when when
Speaker 1: I was in Detroit and you was just like, yo,
Speaker 1: this dude got me double parked in and.
Speaker 2: Raped and would not let me. I wasn't wearing, no tpre.
Speaker 1: Nothing to do with what you were wearing. But it
Speaker 1: was the fact that if I have to protect you,
Speaker 1: or I'm the person that's responsible to protect you, I
Speaker 1: should also have say in what's going on with that protection.
Speaker 1: You know, what I'm saying, like, I don't think it's controlling.
Speaker 1: If someone says to someone else, you know, I don't
Speaker 1: like when you wear that when you go out, especially
Speaker 1: if I'm not there, I think it's controlling. If they
Speaker 1: slam the door and say you're not going nowhere unless
Speaker 1: you change. That's controlling. Someone expressing to you what they
Speaker 1: don't like. How is someone supposed to let you know
Speaker 1: how they feel if they don't express it? And that
Speaker 1: to me is from a man or a woman, right
Speaker 1: because we get to say, oh, she's a controlling wife,
Speaker 1: she don't want her husband. No, she's not controlling when
Speaker 1: she says I don't like my husband going out doing this,
Speaker 1: doing that. She's expressing to you what makes her feel
Speaker 1: a way. If you don't want to adhere to that,
Speaker 1: you can say, well, listen, I don't agree with that.
Speaker 1: This is how I want to live my life. Maybe
Speaker 1: we can't be together. But if you can say, babe, okay,
Speaker 1: I'll do it, and you conform and everything she want
Speaker 1: and now you're miserable. But then you call her controlling.
Speaker 1: You chose to do that. You chose to conform and
Speaker 1: change your life to what she wants them be miserable.
Speaker 1: You always have a choice if someone expressed to you
Speaker 1: how they feel to go along with it or not
Speaker 1: going on. It only becomes controlling if that person and
Speaker 1: impedes what you try to do with force them telling
Speaker 1: you how they feel. I don't think that's control. And
Speaker 1: I think that's when you look at the stuff that
Speaker 1: goes on in the internet. You know, with a certain
Speaker 1: couple who this summer was all over the internet because
Speaker 1: a certain person decided to go out and say I
Speaker 1: don't like you wearing that right, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: They ended up back together. But to me, I feel like, man,
Speaker 1: if I don't like something my significant other is doing,
Speaker 1: do I not have the right to tell him I
Speaker 1: just don't like it. Now, I wouldn't go to social
Speaker 1: media and say it, but I would say it to you.
Speaker 1: And if I say it to you, I don't want
Speaker 1: you look at me like I'm controlling.
Speaker 3: I'm just telling you right, that's true because we've like
Speaker 3: that together just over You're just like, I don't know.
Speaker 3: And also, to in the vein of the topic today,
Speaker 3: what you're talking about was just compromise when it comes
Speaker 3: to family. Maybe he can compromise too and say, you
Speaker 3: know what, this is not really my thing, but I'll
Speaker 3: come like that. I don't like a Soca party, but
Speaker 3: the val has gone to many ah Soca parties because
Speaker 3: he knows that's what I enjoy and that's the environment
Speaker 3: I like to be in, so he can kind of
Speaker 3: just also see like, all right, well, yes, people dance,
Speaker 3: people carry on, people have a good time, but it's
Speaker 3: never in any kind of, you know, necessarily vulgar or
Speaker 3: malicious ways. Sometimes people just want to go out, listen
Speaker 3: to some music, have good vibes, have a couple of drinks, dance.
Speaker 1: But let me ask a serious question before we move on. Right,
Speaker 1: you go to soaka FETs, women wear bikinis.
Speaker 2: Sometimes I mean Carnival, a.
Speaker 1: Regular fet Yeah, but even some of these fetes where
Speaker 1: they got the paint parties and stuff, women and they
Speaker 1: bikinis and stuff. Right, And if you look at videos,
Speaker 1: they're winding up on guys they don't know, jumping up
Speaker 1: on guys. You know what I'm saying. Guys got them
Speaker 1: bent over, you know what I'm saying. Explain to me
Speaker 1: how that environment is really any different than a strip club.
Speaker 2: Well, strip clubs women are dancing for money.
Speaker 1: That's like I'm not talking about like what I'm talking
Speaker 1: about the environment bikinis dancing, bikinis dancing strangers, dancing on strangers,
Speaker 1: winding up on strangers. If you don't know, if you
Speaker 1: just took a video from both, right, what would be
Speaker 1: the major difference.
Speaker 3: You're probably the money part of it because women are
Speaker 3: working as strippers for entertainment.
Speaker 1: Whereas I'm talking about the visual of a woman in
Speaker 1: a bikini lap dancing on dancing on someone, as opposed
Speaker 1: to a woman in the street in a bikini lap dancing.
Speaker 1: It's literally the same thing. It's the only different to this.
Speaker 3: You can't compare Caribbean culture in US dancing at fetes
Speaker 3: to strip clubs.
Speaker 1: No, But what I'm saying is is I want sometimes
Speaker 1: Caribbean women to understand why an American man who doesn't
Speaker 1: understand the culture would see that and automatically see like ding, Well,
Speaker 1: this is how we view women in our culture who
Speaker 1: dressed like that and do that. How they It's hard
Speaker 1: for them to say, why would I feel comfortable with
Speaker 1: my woman or the women that we're supposed to be with.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, I'm just.
Speaker 3: Why he should probably go to a couple with her
Speaker 3: see exactly what transpires, and maybe that might give him
Speaker 3: a little bit of a comfort level to say, Okay,
Speaker 3: at least it's not what I think it is or
Speaker 3: what it appears to be. Because sometimes looking at that
Speaker 3: screenshot or that snapshot of a photo, for example, can
Speaker 3: you create you create your own narrative.
Speaker 1: So let me ask a question, serious question. I don't
Speaker 1: have a problem with it because I grew up in
Speaker 1: that culture. But if a woman in a bikini is
Speaker 1: dancing on your husband and he paid her twenty dollars,
Speaker 1: is it any less offensive if a woman in a
Speaker 1: bikini is dancing on your husband in the street or free.
Speaker 3: No.
Speaker 2: I just think the intention with the environment is different.
Speaker 3: When you're going into a strip club, you're paying for
Speaker 3: that particular entertainment, whereas if it's at a party in
Speaker 3: passing and you dance with somebody and you keep it moving.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I mean you have to pay to go
Speaker 1: to these carties, it's still entertainment. The entertainment is the
Speaker 1: music is playing and women are going to dance on you.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but I think the intentions are just different. Like
Speaker 3: I wouldn't compare a FET to a strip club. Personally,
Speaker 3: that's my culture.
Speaker 1: And I know I personally would disagree. I personally would
Speaker 1: dis mainly because they're both forms of entertainment. It's both dancing,
Speaker 1: it's both liquor, it's both music. The only difference is
Speaker 1: the men in the strip club are paying strippers to
Speaker 1: dance directly. The men on fats are not paying them
Speaker 1: women directly, but they had to pay somebody to get
Speaker 1: in that promoted club.
Speaker 2: And the women who want.
Speaker 3: To dance in that manner they do, and they consider
Speaker 3: it fun, they keep it moving. And women like me
Speaker 3: who rather hold my corner and dance with my friends
Speaker 3: and stuff. You know, it's different too. There's a choice,
Speaker 3: but how you want to engage in that fat type environment.
Speaker 1: But what I'm just saying is, can you imagine not
Speaker 1: being a part of that culture? And she says he's
Speaker 1: he's never grown up in that culture, right, But based
Speaker 1: on the culture he's grown up and what he views
Speaker 1: as not appropriate and looking at a FET, she can't
Speaker 1: understand for a minute why he would be a little apprehensive, saying,
Speaker 1: I want, I want my wife.
Speaker 3: Now I think she's like, come with me, So you
Speaker 3: can see what happens here, but he says it's.
Speaker 1: Not his thing, but him come in and see it.
Speaker 1: Think about that snapshot. Is he gonna think it's any more?
Speaker 2: Or maybe she can have fun with him in that environment.
Speaker 3: It's just he's kind of writing it off and not
Speaker 3: really knowing what transpires.
Speaker 2: He's maybe just going based off of what he's seen.
Speaker 1: This is what I'm saying, remove yourself from it.
Speaker 3: You.
Speaker 1: I'll go to effect with you. You go to the
Speaker 1: strip club with me. We don't judge either one. I'm
Speaker 1: not talking about it.
Speaker 2: Have fun either way.
Speaker 1: Right, I'm not talking about us. I'm just talking about
Speaker 1: someone removed from that culture, looking at that culture. And
Speaker 1: can you see how someone can say I don't want
Speaker 1: my No.
Speaker 2: I completely get it. I can get how it's off putting.
Speaker 3: But I also understand that if this is something your
Speaker 3: spouse enjoys, and it's like, all right, you may be
Speaker 3: doing things that I don't necessarily enjoy, but I try to,
Speaker 3: you know, come and sit with you and watch and
Speaker 3: just be there because I know you enjoy it. So
Speaker 3: in the vein of compromising as a couple or as
Speaker 3: a unit, then I think sometimes you have to just
Speaker 3: compromise and say, all right, I know I don't necessarily
Speaker 3: love this environment.
Speaker 2: It's not necessarily for me. But because you enjoy it,
Speaker 2: I'll go with you.
Speaker 1: I hear what you're saying, But all I'm asking is,
Speaker 1: can you understand how he may be apprehensive? I can
Speaker 1: say he should go. I'm just saying the same way
Speaker 1: Caribbean women look at the strip club like I would
Speaker 1: never go to the strip club. And the only reason
Speaker 1: why I'm saying that is because I grew up in
Speaker 1: New York. I grew up around Caribbean women. Caribbean women
Speaker 1: look at strippers like you a stripper.
Speaker 3: I think any woman look like look at women like
Speaker 3: strippers or strippers.
Speaker 2: That's their that's their job.
Speaker 1: But imagine imagine going to put on a bikini to
Speaker 1: dance for money. Then imagine going to put on a
Speaker 1: bikini to dance with men you don't know for free.
Speaker 1: What's the difference. This is what I'm explaining. Like you
Speaker 1: see what I'm saying. I'm just saying, like you don't
Speaker 1: really see no difference. Take yourself out of it.
Speaker 2: No, I see it?
Speaker 3: Okay, Yeah, we're still going on this, all right, No,
Speaker 3: finish up. Finish your thoughts so that way we can
Speaker 3: at least wrap. This is a long listener, we probably
Speaker 3: just do one today.
Speaker 1: All I'm saying is is, when you're talking about cultures, right,
Speaker 1: sometimes you can't just be in your culture and say
Speaker 1: it's not that big of a deal. Sometimes you have
Speaker 1: to remove yourself from your culture to say, how is
Speaker 1: someone else viewing my culture? And if they're viewing my
Speaker 1: culture this way, can I understand why they may be apprehensive?
Speaker 1: And since they didn't have time to court, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Since they didn't have time to court,
Speaker 1: it's hard for them to know that about each other. Yes,
Speaker 1: my thing is I don't judge strip club the same
Speaker 1: way I don't judge FETs. It's entertainment. People go for
Speaker 1: whatever they go for. But if he says that, if
Speaker 1: she says that he's a very conservative person, he don't
Speaker 1: do that. I can't see him ever feeling comfortable with
Speaker 1: his wife going to And I'm not calling women that
Speaker 1: go to FETs strippers, but I'm saying from his vantage point,
Speaker 1: if you watching women in bikinis dance on men they
Speaker 1: don't know, that's not something he may ultimately be comfortable
Speaker 1: especially if he's not in go often the culture. I
Speaker 1: know what FETs are, so for me, it's like they partying,
Speaker 1: they chips in down the road, like that's not a
Speaker 1: big deal, you know what I'm saying. But I also
Speaker 1: am the same person that be like strippers don't love you, bro,
Speaker 1: they get paid to dance. This is entertainment for you,
Speaker 1: and that's you know what I'm saying. I have more
Speaker 1: of an open eye to see.
Speaker 3: What Maybe it's the New York are in us because
Speaker 3: we've seen it all to be honest, exposed to all
Speaker 3: of it. So if you think of somebody who may
Speaker 3: not be from that, well he's from New York too.
Speaker 2: So I don't know.
Speaker 1: And people don't agree with FETs because there's a large
Speaker 1: contingent of seven day adventures that look at FETs like
Speaker 1: the Devil's playground.
Speaker 2: Seriously, seriously, yes.
Speaker 1: And I've dated some other West Indian people when I
Speaker 1: was younger who moms was just like, you're gonnaffect, You're
Speaker 1: gonna fet, You're not going to affect, And they tell
Speaker 1: their daughters you can't go out there, like you're not
Speaker 1: gonna be dancing up on men for that. You don't know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, all right, well that's that.
Speaker 3: If you want to be featured as a listener letter,
Speaker 3: be sure to email us y'all at dead ass Advice
Speaker 3: at gmail dot com. That ended up being a very
Speaker 3: long when died a listen a letters, so we only
Speaker 3: got to one today for y'all, but be sure to
Speaker 3: write in and we'll get to y'all in the future.
Speaker 1: That's de E A D A S S A D
Speaker 1: V I C at gmail dot com.
Speaker 3: All right, moment of truth time. We're talking my family
Speaker 3: versus your family.
Speaker 2: Today.
Speaker 3: My moment of truth is my family is better than yours,
Speaker 3: not just I'm just kidd it. That negates the entire conversation.
Speaker 3: I think my moment of truth at this point is
Speaker 3: that the conversation always has to keep going because when
Speaker 3: you think of family, you're not just including you and
Speaker 3: your spouse and your immediate family if you have children,
Speaker 3: but you're also trying to consider the parents, the grandparents,
Speaker 3: sometimes aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, the extended family.
Speaker 3: And it's also trying to navigate and manage the emotions
Speaker 3: of adults, which also in itself is a task a
Speaker 3: lot so in my from my advantage point, over communicating
Speaker 3: with all parties involved. That's what I do now, because
Speaker 3: I feel like at least they can say I knew
Speaker 3: Kadeen told me I was in the loop, and then
Speaker 3: I was able to make the decision with how I
Speaker 3: wanted to be involved there.
Speaker 1: After, I like it, I would say. My momental truth is,
Speaker 1: no one is entitled to their way. Your parents aren't,
Speaker 1: your siblings, aren't you aren't your aunts and uncles aren't.
Speaker 1: Only thing everyone is entitled to is an option. So
Speaker 1: give your option and be willing to compromise. That's said.
Speaker 1: But you are not entitled to your way period period.
Speaker 2: All right, y'all, be sure to follow us.
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