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Speaker 1: Yo, if your spouse constantly chooses her or his family

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Speaker 1: over yours, that doesn't mean they're doing it on purpose.

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Speaker 2: Hmmm, I think that's fair to say. And dead ass.

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Speaker 3: Once you get married, your spouse's family is dead ass

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Speaker 3: your family.

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Speaker 2: See, I got to figure out a way to make

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Speaker 2: it work.

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Speaker 1: Dead ass.

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Speaker 3: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout, and we're the Ellis's.

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Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with.

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Speaker 2: Our boys and reading each other publicly as a form

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Speaker 2: of therpy.

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Speaker 1: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

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Speaker 2: And one more important thing to mention, we're married.

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Speaker 1: Yes, sir, we are.

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Speaker 4: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of

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Speaker 4: li's most taboo topics.

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Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.

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Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass

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Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day.

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Speaker 4: So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts

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Speaker 4: one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but

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Speaker 4: the truth.

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Speaker 1: We about to take bilotof to our whole new level.

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Speaker 3: Dead ass starts right now.

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Speaker 1: There are actually a number of stories that I could

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Speaker 1: choose from.

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, when it comes to my family, your family,

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Speaker 2: for sure.

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Speaker 1: But I'm going to I'm going to speak on one time,

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Speaker 1: in particular my birthday. This is in twenty twenty one,

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Speaker 1: I believe twenty twenty one. It was my birthday and

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Speaker 1: Kadeen was planning a surprise trip for me to go

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Speaker 1: to Jamaica. This was right after COVID and they finally

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Speaker 1: opened things back up, and she was making plans, calling

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Speaker 1: everybody's family, calling brothers and sisters and speaking and speaking

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Speaker 1: and doing everything. And at the same time, I happen

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Speaker 1: to call my mom because we were just getting over COVID,

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Speaker 1: and I was just like, yeah, we just you know,

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Speaker 1: we just found out the boys COVID. I don't think

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Speaker 1: we're going to be able to go to Jamaica. And

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Speaker 1: my mom said, who's going to Jamaica? And I was like, well,

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Speaker 1: we were all going for my birthday. You didn't know

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Speaker 1: and she was like, no, nobody called me and told me. So.

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Speaker 1: At first, I was like, Okay, well, maybe they didn't

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Speaker 1: get around to it yet, or maybe Kay had made

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Speaker 1: any decisions yet about who she was gonna tell. So

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Speaker 1: I asked Kay, I said, Kay, my mom doesn't know

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Speaker 1: about Jamaica. And Kay goes, how how does she not

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Speaker 1: know about Jamaica. I said, I just spoke to on

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Speaker 1: the phone. She didn't know about it, and she sounded

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Speaker 1: a little disappointed she didn't know. KY said, well, I

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Speaker 1: told your dad, and I spoke to your brother, assuming

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Speaker 1: that my pops and my brother was going to tell

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Speaker 1: my mom. My mother was upset because she didn't get

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Speaker 1: a personal invite. Now, initially I was upset because I

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Speaker 1: was like, hey, how do you invite everybody to Jamaica

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Speaker 1: and not tell the person who birthed me and it's

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Speaker 1: my birthday. But then she had a very clear point.

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Speaker 1: She said, when I tell something to my brother, my

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Speaker 1: sister finds out. When my sister finds out, my father knows,

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Speaker 1: and then the whole family knows. I figured that if

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Speaker 1: I just told one person in your household, everybody would know.

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Speaker 1: And I had to actually sit back for a minute

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Speaker 1: and be like, man, that's actually a really good point.

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Speaker 2: Beef for karaoke in the spirit of family.

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Speaker 3: Yes, I mean, what's the first song that comes to

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Speaker 3: mind when you think of family.

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Speaker 1: Well, there's two different songs because of your culture, and

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Speaker 1: I think for one family song, we already sang this song.

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Speaker 1: But for our song, especially the country the South, we

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Speaker 1: automatically think of we are family.

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Speaker 2: I got all my sisters and me, we are family.

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Speaker 1: Get up, everybody, you.

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Speaker 3: Say, because we already did family.

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Speaker 1: Lay la la la la lay lay lay Lee. I

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Speaker 1: think so, and we also did family.

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Speaker 2: We say family. We love the family, them to my aunts.

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Speaker 1: All right, So we're gonna take a quick break, but

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Speaker 1: we're gonna dive into this topic because Kadeena and I

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Speaker 1: have talked since season one about her culture versus my culture,

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Speaker 1: West Indian culture versus Southern Baptist culture and families, but

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Speaker 1: also communications. And we've also realized over the last twenty

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Speaker 1: one years that our families moved differently, and because our

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Speaker 1: families moved differently, sometimes things are communicated differently. And rather

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Speaker 1: than take it personal and be like you did this

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Speaker 1: on purpose, let's figure out how we can navigate this

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Speaker 1: whole thing.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, communication doesn't just begin and end with the married couple.

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Speaker 1: Facts for sure.

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Speaker 3: So stick around, Let's go pay some bills and we'll

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Speaker 3: be back. All right, we're bat y'all, and we figured.

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Speaker 2: This was like an appropriate time to kind of talk

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Speaker 2: about this.

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Speaker 3: I know that we're like in season twelve, rocking and

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Speaker 3: rolling and we spoke a lot about family issues, like

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Speaker 3: you said, culture clashing, things like that, but it's still

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Speaker 3: an ongoing conversation to this day with Deval and I,

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Speaker 3: and I think that a lot of couples probably experienced

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Speaker 3: similar things. And I look at my sister who's looking

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Speaker 3: to be married soon and you know, trying to help

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Speaker 3: her and her fiancee navigate like things. We're kind of

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Speaker 3: hoping that this gives people kind of the cliff Notes

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Speaker 3: version of how to problem solve within their relationship so

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Speaker 3: that y'all won't have to take you the long road

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Speaker 3: that we took twenty one years in and still be

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Speaker 3: talking about the same stuff over and over again.

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Speaker 1: And that's that's how we actually came up with this

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Speaker 1: topic for you guys. Because it is twenty one years

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Speaker 1: now officially, Padina and I have been married thirteen. We've

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Speaker 1: been best friends before that for eight years and two

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Speaker 1: days ago. Right, we had to have a discussion about communication.

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Speaker 2: Right when it came to ours, when it comes.

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Speaker 1: To our extended family, well, our immediate families separately, but

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Speaker 1: extended family collectively now, so her brother and sister, my

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Speaker 1: brother and sister, her mom and dad, my mom and dad.

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Speaker 3: Exactly what the holiday is quickly approaching. I think it's

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Speaker 3: time when splitting family time becomes hardest, right, because we're

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Speaker 3: trying to decide whose house we're going to for what.

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Speaker 3: We grew up sharing holiday traditions with both of our

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Speaker 3: parents and our siblings, and a lot of times we

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Speaker 3: want to still share those traditions with our children, but

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Speaker 3: also including our families. So what do we do when

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Speaker 3: we both want the same thing.

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Speaker 2: And how do we compromise?

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Speaker 3: So we're hoping if we talk through this and give

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Speaker 3: some examples of things that happen with.

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Speaker 2: Us, it will be able to help you guys.

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Speaker 1: Well, let's let's give them some context, a little bit

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Speaker 1: of context of how our families work.

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Speaker 2: So did you want to go back to the storytime first

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Speaker 2: and we can kind of talk a little bit about that.

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Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, we can go back to storytelling and

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Speaker 1: kind of dissect what exactly happens. So you give your

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Speaker 1: perspective of what happened and how it was received by me,

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Speaker 1: so y'all can see how things look got lost in translation.

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Speaker 3: Right, So that particular year, like you said, it was

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Speaker 3: twenty twenty, I think COVID was or twenty twenty one,

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Speaker 3: COVID was kind of still going, but it was slowing

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Speaker 3: down a bit. People were trying to figure out ways

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Speaker 3: to still travel within the guidelines and parameters for traveling

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Speaker 3: with COVID. So knowing that your birthday one thing about

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Speaker 3: Diva's birthday. Every single year, I'll have a plan for

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Speaker 3: something super grand and then we can't do it because

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Speaker 3: he either has a big audition.

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Speaker 2: He has work.

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Speaker 1: Good blessing.

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Speaker 3: It's great blessings for sure, for sure, but I really

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Speaker 3: felt badly that I'm like, oh my god, every single year,

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Speaker 3: you know, something happens and we can't celebrate Davo's birthday.

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Speaker 1: Well, we have to explain a little bit why my

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Speaker 1: birthday falls in April. If you're in the TV film industry,

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Speaker 1: you know around February is pilot season. Pilot season happens

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Speaker 1: February through March. At the end of March is when

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Speaker 1: everyone gears up to go back to filming, so they

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Speaker 1: actually start filming around April. And this year was no different.

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Speaker 1: I was in Canada for my birthday.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely.

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Speaker 1: The year before that, I was filming Sisters, a year

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Speaker 1: before that, I was filming Bigger. It was like every

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Speaker 1: single year there's always something in April. So that's why

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Speaker 1: my birthday always gets kind of.

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Speaker 2: Jackable, always gets messed up.

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Speaker 3: So then I feel like it usually falls back on me,

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Speaker 3: like damn, kay, Like why couldn't you find a way

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Speaker 3: to do XYZ for Devo's birthday. So this particular year,

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Speaker 3: I said, I know he wasn't going to be filming,

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Speaker 3: Jamaica was open, and I'm like, this is perfect. It's

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Speaker 3: one of his favorite places to go. It's one of

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Speaker 3: our places to go together. I had a thirty fifth

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Speaker 3: birthday with like thirty five of my closest friends and family,

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Speaker 3: including your family, and it was an amazing time. So

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Speaker 3: I tried to plan something like that. So when I

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Speaker 3: initially spoke to Devo's dad about the trip, he said

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Speaker 3: to me, Man, I don't know if that's going to

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Speaker 3: be a good time because your sister was pregnant at

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Speaker 3: the time, and she was due at the end of March,

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Speaker 3: yes or around that time, and she had a high

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Speaker 3: risk pregnancy.

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Speaker 2: I know she was having some difficulties.

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Speaker 3: So he was like, I don't know if Ma's going

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Speaker 3: to even want to leave her and go away for

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Speaker 3: a week, seeing as though the baby may come at

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Speaker 3: any point, so I said, okay, cool. So in that

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Speaker 3: conversation with his dad, I assumed that maybe he even

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Speaker 3: mentioned it to her because it was a possibility.

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Speaker 1: And I want you to remember everything from her perspective

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Speaker 1: because I want you to see what she went through,

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Speaker 1: but I want you to hear how it was presented

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Speaker 1: to me.

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Speaker 3: So I just assumed at that point maybe his dad

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Speaker 3: would have mentioned it to her, or maybe it wasn't

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Speaker 3: even worth mentioning it to his mom because it made

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Speaker 3: total sense. I'm like, if it was me and it

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Speaker 3: was my daughter, I probably wouldn't be thinking about going

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Speaker 3: on a trip. If anything can happen at any time, absolutely,

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Speaker 3: so I just kind of let it rock. I remember

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Speaker 3: telling his brother about it as well too, and then

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Speaker 3: his brother saying that that wasn't a good time either

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Speaker 3: because he was going to be working. They didn't have

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Speaker 3: the same spring break as we did, so I kind

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Speaker 3: of just moved on with the plans. My brother and

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Speaker 3: sister were able to make it, and then my parents,

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Speaker 3: because they live with us and they retired, typically travel

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Speaker 3: with us for help. So in addition to my immediate

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Speaker 3: family coming, Devalo's family not being able to make it

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Speaker 3: I then said, damn, I didn't want it to just

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Speaker 3: be my family. So I was trying to think of

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Speaker 3: other friends or people that are close to the val

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Speaker 3: So I had reached out to his best friend Balal,

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Speaker 3: his castmates Chino and Brian. I was looking at hotels

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Speaker 3: nearby that they could stay at, and that's how I

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Speaker 3: was planning out the trip for his birthday. But of

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Speaker 3: course a big piece would have been missing his parents.

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Speaker 3: But to me, in that moment, I felt like the

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Speaker 3: presidents for them, or what took precedence was his sister,

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Speaker 3: you know, almost having a baby. So I didn't follow

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Speaker 3: up any further, and in retrospect, I could have reached

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Speaker 3: out to his mom directly as well too, just says

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Speaker 3: the woman of the house.

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Speaker 2: Who may be making her own plans.

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Speaker 3: You know, she might have found a way to finagel

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Speaker 3: coming out there for a couple of days and then

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Speaker 3: going back. I didn't give her the option, and that

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Speaker 3: was the problem.

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Speaker 1: Right So hear now hearing everything that Kadean went through

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Speaker 1: to try to make the plans, I remember, it's a

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Speaker 1: surprise to me, so I have no idea what's happening.

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Speaker 1: The kids get COVID, we go to check for COVID.

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Speaker 1: The first thing k says is I had plans to

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Speaker 1: take you to Jamaica. Yeah, and now we won't be

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Speaker 1: able to go because the kids have And I was like, dang,

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Speaker 1: So I called my parents. We had just came back

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Speaker 1: from New York visiting my parents because Kadeen and I

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Speaker 1: had just spoke on the Breakfast Club and when I

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Speaker 1: first came back, my parents knew that the kids were sick.

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Speaker 1: So I called them to tell him like, yeah, you know,

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Speaker 1: the kids are sick and unfortunately we won't be able

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Speaker 1: to go to Jamaica. I assumed that Kadeen had included everybody,

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Speaker 1: so when I said that, my mom goes, who's going

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Speaker 1: to Jamaica? And I said, well, we're all going for

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Speaker 1: my birthday and she said, oh, oh, well that's nice.

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Speaker 1: And I was like, were you supposed to be going too,

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Speaker 1: and she said she didn't hear it. I could hear

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Speaker 1: the disappointment in her voice. So then I immediately got

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Speaker 1: on the phone where we were at the urgent Cargina.

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Speaker 1: I said, yo, you didn't call my mom about Jamaica

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Speaker 1: and she was just like, no, I spoke to your

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Speaker 1: dad and my first thing was, did you how why

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Speaker 1: would you not call my mom? Like you didn't even

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Speaker 1: give her the option or the choice. So I said, so,

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Speaker 1: who's supposed to be going to Jamaica? So when she

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Speaker 1: went over the list of people and it was all

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Speaker 1: of her family and a couple of my friends, and

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Speaker 1: I was like, well, if my family couldn't make it

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Speaker 1: on that day of that week, why wouldn't we adjust

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Speaker 1: it to make it so that my family could be there?

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Speaker 1: Like I think my family should be there for my birthday.

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Speaker 1: And Kadeen was like, you know, I really didn't think

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Speaker 1: about adjusting it for anybody. I just these are the

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Speaker 1: days that we had based on what we were doing,

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Speaker 1: and I was going to see who could make it.

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Speaker 1: So at first I was pissed, like I was upset.

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Speaker 1: I felt like this isn't fair. I said, you navigated

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Speaker 1: everything to make sure all your family could make it,

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Speaker 1: but since my family can't make it, they just get

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Speaker 1: disposed of. And Kadeen was like, that's not really how

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Speaker 1: it went down. Like the kids have spring break on

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Speaker 1: this week. I want the kids to be included. So

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Speaker 1: this is how it is. And after we spoke at

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Speaker 1: nauseum for hours, we were able to kind of realize

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Speaker 1: what had happened, because when you think about it, I

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Speaker 1: was presented with my mom don't know we're going to Jamaica.

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Speaker 1: So I'm upset already. I'm on a thousand.

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Speaker 2: It was the way you were thrown into it.

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Speaker 1: That was the way I was thrown into it. Plus

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Speaker 1: the kids having it was just like it was a lot.

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Speaker 2: It was a lot going on.

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Speaker 3: And then to me, I was just like, why do

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Speaker 3: you have to phrase it as Oh, you made sure

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Speaker 3: that your family were able to make it within these dates, but.

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Speaker 2: You didn't make sure my family wasn't.

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Speaker 3: And I was like, bro, these were the dates based

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Speaker 3: on our immediate family, meaning me, you, and the boys,

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Speaker 3: because this is when they have spring break, this is

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Speaker 3: when your birthday. Felt I can't move your birthday. Your

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Speaker 3: birthday is your birthday. So if these are the dates

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Speaker 3: and my family is able to adjust their schedule to

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Speaker 3: make it happen and yours can't adjust, then that, to me.

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Speaker 2: Was it my fault.

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Speaker 3: You know, my family has a little bit more flexibility

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Speaker 3: within their career fields than yours does, so it was

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Speaker 3: never any malice intended. And when I did realize too,

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Speaker 3: that damn a bunch of DeVos core people wouldn't be

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Speaker 3: able to make it. I made sure to be like, Okay, listen, friends,

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Speaker 3: please try to come through for the val so he

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Speaker 3: can at least have some of his people there because

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Speaker 3: he's gonna want to celebrate with his people, right.

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Speaker 1: And we did come to an understanding, but to me,

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Speaker 1: it still felt like if my family couldn't be hitting,

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Speaker 1: that trip shouldn't have been happening at that moment. Then

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Speaker 1: That's that's how I felt at the moment. I was like,

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Speaker 1: if my parents, my brother, and my sister can't come,

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Speaker 1: then it shouldn't be a birthday trip for Deval. Let's

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Speaker 1: take the kids on spring break and do something, but

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Speaker 1: let's do something on my birthday when my family can

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Speaker 1: be there. And I feel like that is where the

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Speaker 1: communication had to come in because if it were me

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Speaker 1: and me and Kadeen say this all the time, you

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Speaker 1: do things differently don't mean is done right. It just

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Speaker 1: means that you do things differently. It don't mean that

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Speaker 1: I do things right. It just means that I do

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Speaker 1: things differently. In my perspective, I felt like if it

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Speaker 1: was December, matter of fact, and the kids were going

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Speaker 1: on break, but your parents couldn't make it to a

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Speaker 1: birthday celebration that I was doing for you. I just

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Speaker 1: wouldn't have did it, you see what I'm saying, Like

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Speaker 1: I'd have been like, well, you know what, I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: have to find the time to make sure Kadeen's family

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Speaker 1: is going to be involved. But if we have a

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Speaker 1: break for the kids, were gonna do something with the kids.

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Speaker 1: But I'm gonna find a way to include your family

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Speaker 1: as well. And I don't plan trips. That's not what

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Speaker 1: I do. Like, that's Kadeen's wheelhouse, So for me to

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Speaker 1: tell her how to do she's been doing was a

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Speaker 1: little unfair because you don't want who handles all of

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Speaker 1: the you know, handle all of these logistics, the logistics

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Speaker 1: to finding details and exact people. But for me, I

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Speaker 1: just felt like saying, well, his parents can't make it

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Speaker 1: his birthday celebration, Oh well, I felt like that was

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Speaker 1: a little bit like fucked up.

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Speaker 3: But you know what I'm saying, I can I totally

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Speaker 3: get your perspective on that. However, I know I was

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Speaker 3: dealing with the brunt of hearing you say, damn every

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Speaker 3: year for my birthday, I should get fucked up. I

336
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Speaker 3: can't do anything for my birthday. Every year we have

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Speaker 3: something planned for my birthday, something pops up. But I

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Speaker 3: heard that for like the four consecutive leaders before that.

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Speaker 3: So my main purpose in life at that point was

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Speaker 3: to get Devlot out of the country for his birthday.

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Speaker 3: Regardless of what that looked like. I just wanted that

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Speaker 3: to be the plan, and I just felt like the

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Speaker 3: more the mirror. At that point, I had already told

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Speaker 3: certain people about the trip. So instead of me canceling

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Speaker 3: everybody else's plans because they move their plans around too,

346
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Speaker 3: I'm like, whoever can come, can come, who can't can't,

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Speaker 3: and then we'll have to celebrate with your family in

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Speaker 3: a later date. But in that moment, I wasn't even

349
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:01,600
Speaker 3: thinking about the families. Was thinking about you and how

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Speaker 3: you would be disappointed if we didn't have a plan

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Speaker 3: for your birthday.

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Speaker 1: So I know you were thinking about me, but you

353
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Speaker 1: was also thinking about you having to hear my voice

354
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Speaker 1: if we did nothing. But my thing is we didn't

355
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Speaker 1: have to do nothing. We could have went to Jamaica

356
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Speaker 1: with our kids. My thing is, if my family can't

357
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Speaker 1: come to an event, then it shouldn't just be the

358
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:21,600
Speaker 1: event still happens without his family. The event should only

359
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Speaker 1: happen when both families should be there. And I think

360
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:28,400
Speaker 1: that was that was the miscommunication because then a year later,

361
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Speaker 1: when we were going, we were planning to go away

362
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Speaker 1: for the holidays, you were like, well, I want to

363
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Speaker 1: go away with my mom for her birthday and it

364
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Speaker 1: was around the holidays, and I was like cool. So

365
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Speaker 1: I was like, let me invite my parents, and you

366
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Speaker 1: was just like, well, I just want to do something

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Speaker 1: with my immediate family. So I said cool, and you

368
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,360
Speaker 1: were like the kids And I was like, well, the

369
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Speaker 1: kids won't be going because the kids are going to

370
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Speaker 1: be with me, and you were like, well, I want

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Speaker 1: the kids to be with us for my mom's celebration.

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Speaker 1: And I'm like yeah, and me included. But I'm like yeah,

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Speaker 1: but you can't just take all my kids away from

374
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Speaker 1: the house, away from my family because your family wants

375
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Speaker 1: to do something. And I think a lot of times

376
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Speaker 1: when it comes to families, you have traditions. My family

377
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:12,879
Speaker 1: has traditions. Your families have ways to do things. My

378
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:16,760
Speaker 1: families have ways to do things. For example, if everybody

379
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Speaker 1: can't be included for an event in my family, that

380
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Speaker 1: event is just not happening, and your family it's more like, okay,

381
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Speaker 1: if you can't well it can't go. You can't go.

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Speaker 3: Because I like, for example, my parents, my brother, and

383
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Speaker 3: my sister. If it was the other way around with Jamaica,

384
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:32,240
Speaker 3: for example, they'd have been like, oh no, like, don't

385
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Speaker 3: cancel the plans, Like you got to make sure y'all

386
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Speaker 3: go and celebrate, so go ahead, And they wouldn't feel

387
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:37,399
Speaker 3: the kind of way the would just be like, go ahead,

388
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:39,760
Speaker 3: we can't make it, don't cancel the trip on our cord.

389
00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:43,080
Speaker 3: Still make it happen. So it's again a difference of

390
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Speaker 3: how people deal with it.

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Speaker 1: And I think that's what people need to start realizing.

392
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,800
Speaker 1: When someone does something to you, it's not with malice.

393
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:52,560
Speaker 1: It's just this is the way my family has been

394
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:55,680
Speaker 1: doing things. Your family has been doing things this way.

395
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:58,320
Speaker 1: That doesn't mean that you're doing it on purpose to

396
00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:01,840
Speaker 1: alienate my family did not include my family, but it's like,

397
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,800
Speaker 1: this is the way we do things. And the way

398
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:08,760
Speaker 1: you can get through those situations is by constantly having conversations, Oh.

399
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:10,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, we have definitely a couple tips here.

400
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Speaker 3: Well, we had tips that tripple came up for splitting

401
00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:16,000
Speaker 3: holidays specifically, because I think that's typically when a lot

402
00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:19,000
Speaker 3: of people have riffs, you know, when it's like major

403
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:20,600
Speaker 3: holidays and people are off and it's.

404
00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:22,239
Speaker 1: Like who's gonna do what We're it's not just how

405
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:25,320
Speaker 1: itday can also be because because it's also remember our

406
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,120
Speaker 1: parents live six blocks away from each other.

407
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Speaker 3: M h.

408
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:31,960
Speaker 1: My parents felt like every time Kadeen goes to drop

409
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:35,080
Speaker 1: the kids off, she would drop the kids to her family.

410
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:39,080
Speaker 1: And I had to say to my parents, well, Kadeen

411
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:40,919
Speaker 1: is going to drop the kids off to whoever's the

412
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:43,840
Speaker 1: most she's the most comfortable, if it's the last minute.

413
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Speaker 1: She doesn't mind inconveniencing her parents the same way I

414
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:50,960
Speaker 1: don't mind inconveniencing my parents. But when she has the kids,

415
00:18:51,359 --> 00:18:56,200
Speaker 1: she's gonna go with her parents. Also, her parents ask

416
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,439
Speaker 1: for the kids all the time, all the time, And

417
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Speaker 1: I asked my dad, I said, well, why don't y'all

418
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:03,399
Speaker 1: asked for the kids? And my dad said to me,

419
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:06,600
Speaker 1: your mom doesn't want to be overbearing. My mom had

420
00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:09,520
Speaker 1: to deal with an overbearing mother in law, so she

421
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:13,000
Speaker 1: purposely removed herself and said, I'm going to allow them

422
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,640
Speaker 1: to do things when they're comfortable. I said, I get

423
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:17,920
Speaker 1: that school, but you can't say you're going to allow

424
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:20,000
Speaker 1: me to do things when I'm comfortable, but then get

425
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:23,360
Speaker 1: upset because you guys aren't chosen. And then that made

426
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:26,159
Speaker 1: me realize, like, dang, it's not just a communication with

427
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:29,159
Speaker 1: me and my wife. I also have to continuously communicate

428
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:32,440
Speaker 1: to my parents that this is the way my wife moves.

429
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:35,320
Speaker 1: So it's not just the one way communication with one

430
00:19:35,359 --> 00:19:39,760
Speaker 1: partner or the holidays. This was simple, as simple as

431
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,760
Speaker 1: dropping the kids, had an audition or you had a

432
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:43,959
Speaker 1: makeup to toil to do.

433
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,760
Speaker 3: I think it's fair to say that anybody is okay

434
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:51,160
Speaker 3: with in that last minute moment inconveniencing the person they

435
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,280
Speaker 3: know best. Yes, So whether it was my sister, my father, mama,

436
00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:57,040
Speaker 3: or whoever I knew, has flexibility. Right. So with my

437
00:19:57,119 --> 00:19:59,480
Speaker 3: dad being retired, I know I'm going to have a

438
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:01,679
Speaker 3: better chance of dropping the kids over to him and

439
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:04,520
Speaker 3: not ruffling any feathers in his day versus trying to

440
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:06,680
Speaker 3: drop him over to your dad who works from home

441
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:08,560
Speaker 3: during the day so the kids would be a disruption

442
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:10,960
Speaker 3: to him. So I think in moments like that, a

443
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,040
Speaker 3: lot of it was taken as a you know, your

444
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:15,040
Speaker 3: family does this versus my family does this, or my

445
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,840
Speaker 3: family does more than your family because they're always doing

446
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,400
Speaker 3: this for the kids in yours don't. Yeah, I think

447
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:22,520
Speaker 3: we really had to work through that because you were

448
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:24,760
Speaker 3: looking at your mom's sideways, and I was too at

449
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:27,040
Speaker 3: some points like them, like she really don't be caring

450
00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:28,040
Speaker 3: to have these kids ever.

451
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:30,920
Speaker 1: I looked at everybody sideways. I looked at my mom sideways.

452
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:33,560
Speaker 1: I looked at your mom sideways. I looked at you sideways,

453
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:35,520
Speaker 1: I looked at my post sideways. The only person I

454
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,040
Speaker 1: didn't look at sideways was was your father?

455
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:39,160
Speaker 3: Really?

456
00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:39,560
Speaker 2: How come?

457
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:42,800
Speaker 1: Because your father's the most easy going in person. Right,

458
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,399
Speaker 1: I'll give you a trule. He is name. One time

459
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:48,040
Speaker 1: your father has complained about anything.

460
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:49,640
Speaker 2: That's father name.

461
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:50,439
Speaker 1: One time.

462
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:51,640
Speaker 2: That's a fact.

463
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:55,520
Speaker 1: Okay, So my mom will complains. My mom will complain

464
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:59,680
Speaker 1: that the kids number one won't don't call her house

465
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:02,159
Speaker 1: school and on this house is just school house, right.

466
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:03,800
Speaker 1: But then when the kids go over there, she'd be

467
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:07,560
Speaker 1: upstairs right right. So my mom will complain, and then

468
00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:09,600
Speaker 1: she'll complain that we don't bring the kids over. But

469
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:13,520
Speaker 1: my mom's always working, Like my mom works six days

470
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:16,879
Speaker 1: a week and sometimes on Sundays. So the last person

471
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:18,920
Speaker 1: that we're thinking is going to want to watch kids.

472
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:20,760
Speaker 2: It's my mom that is accurate.

473
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:25,560
Speaker 1: My pops works from home, and he complains that, you know,

474
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:27,439
Speaker 1: your mother ain't see the kids. So I'm like, you

475
00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:31,320
Speaker 1: complaining to me that she ain't see the mommy ain't home.

476
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:33,800
Speaker 3: You remember that one time, I think it was Christmas

477
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:36,080
Speaker 3: Eve or the day before Christmas Eve, we took the

478
00:21:36,119 --> 00:21:38,560
Speaker 3: boys over by the house and your mother looked so

479
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,560
Speaker 3: exasperated that we had call them there because they were

480
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,359
Speaker 3: running around and stuff. She was trying to straighten up

481
00:21:42,359 --> 00:21:44,760
Speaker 3: for Christmas. And I was kind of like, maybe we

482
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,200
Speaker 3: should go because it seems like your mom is a

483
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:46,760
Speaker 3: little annoyed.

484
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:50,080
Speaker 1: And I got there, I said, yo, let's go to

485
00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:52,639
Speaker 1: Brian's house because one thing I don't like is an

486
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:55,120
Speaker 1: exasperated wife or mom. I grew up in the house

487
00:21:55,119 --> 00:21:57,680
Speaker 1: with exasperated mom, right, I grew up. I'm in a

488
00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:00,000
Speaker 1: house right now with an exasperated wife. When they mom,

489
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:03,840
Speaker 1: we just had Kyrol's birthday. K seemed exasperated. Your mom

490
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:08,120
Speaker 1: seemed exasperated. Women be exasperated, right, So when I get

491
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,400
Speaker 1: in a space where people seem exasperated, I just take

492
00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:13,280
Speaker 1: my kids and leave. But that's my point is like

493
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:16,840
Speaker 1: your mom always has something to say. My mom always

494
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,000
Speaker 1: has something to say, My dad always has something to say.

495
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:23,440
Speaker 1: Your father is the only one who just be like whatever.

496
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:28,320
Speaker 2: Whatever you need, however you need me, just let me know.

497
00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:31,960
Speaker 1: And I think it's important for people to understand that

498
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:35,480
Speaker 1: your family isn't the only family going through this, especially

499
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:38,640
Speaker 1: when kids get involved. Right. Your mom loves being around

500
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:41,280
Speaker 1: the kids. Every time we go to take the kids somewhere,

501
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,520
Speaker 1: and she said, who said I need a break? But

502
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:45,879
Speaker 1: it's like mine yesterday you were exasperating, tired and dropping

503
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:47,520
Speaker 1: the kids off of the room and leave it. So

504
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:50,080
Speaker 1: you didn't say you need a break, but you needed

505
00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:53,760
Speaker 1: a break. My mom never admits that it's a bad time.

506
00:22:54,359 --> 00:22:55,960
Speaker 1: But then when you take the kids with this, sometimes

507
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,960
Speaker 1: she looks like she's just like damn, like right now.

508
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:02,160
Speaker 1: So it's like everybody who's listening. If your family's going

509
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:04,280
Speaker 1: through issues with who's going to watch the kids, who's

510
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:07,360
Speaker 1: going to what event, that's not just your family. Yes,

511
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,960
Speaker 1: everybody's family goes through that. And it all starts with

512
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:16,240
Speaker 1: how you communicate. Everything boils down to how you communicate

513
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:18,760
Speaker 1: with your parents first and then with your spouse.

514
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:21,199
Speaker 3: Remember, for a while you said you didn't think I

515
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:24,480
Speaker 3: felt comfortable speaking to your family or asking them, you know,

516
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:27,639
Speaker 3: to watch the kids or to be involved in whatever's capacity.

517
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:29,400
Speaker 3: And you were like, why won't you just like call

518
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:31,679
Speaker 3: my mom and dad directly, And I'm like, I just

519
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:34,840
Speaker 3: was more comfortable calling mind directly because they were my family,

520
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:36,560
Speaker 3: you know, when we were back home, and like I said,

521
00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:38,960
Speaker 3: if I'm gonna last when it inconvenience somebody, it's going

522
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:40,880
Speaker 3: to be my family. But then you were like, no,

523
00:23:41,119 --> 00:23:42,840
Speaker 3: you need to be able to also just call my

524
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:45,560
Speaker 3: family and ask. Like they're not going to offer, so

525
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:49,160
Speaker 3: you have to call and ask. So I said, say less.

526
00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:52,320
Speaker 3: So now I got a group chat with your brother, sister,

527
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:55,720
Speaker 3: your mother, your father, and your sister, so everybody is

528
00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:57,960
Speaker 3: in the loop. There's some group chats that I put

529
00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:00,000
Speaker 3: Deval in just to loop him in so he knows

530
00:24:00,359 --> 00:24:03,040
Speaker 3: I did communicate x y Z to said family member.

531
00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:04,040
Speaker 2: Because I ain't trying to hear.

532
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:06,879
Speaker 3: Oh you did this versus my family, and when it

533
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:08,680
Speaker 3: comes to your family, you do this, but when mine,

534
00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:10,960
Speaker 3: I hate that, Like I hate that because I feel

535
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:13,240
Speaker 3: like we've been together long enough where both families are

536
00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:14,320
Speaker 3: just family regardless.

537
00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:16,440
Speaker 2: I don't look at it as yours versus mine thing.

538
00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:21,119
Speaker 1: That, But I also hate my family not healing stuff,

539
00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:26,399
Speaker 1: so you cat it. But you also got to remember,

540
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:30,600
Speaker 1: you don't speak to my brother and sister as much

541
00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:33,520
Speaker 1: as you speak to your brother and sister. And my

542
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:36,840
Speaker 1: brother and sister have kids, so my brother and sister

543
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,199
Speaker 1: can't just run and come to everything. Your brother and

544
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:41,800
Speaker 1: sister can run and come to everything because they don't

545
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:44,840
Speaker 1: have kids exactly. So the same way you don't want

546
00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:47,679
Speaker 1: to hear is always your family, not my family. I

547
00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:51,920
Speaker 1: don't want to hear. Well, my family supports because they can.

548
00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:57,640
Speaker 1: My brother coaches football, my sister is everybody doing, but

549
00:24:57,640 --> 00:24:59,439
Speaker 1: but there's certain that they can't just leave in two

550
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:02,320
Speaker 1: days and going to Atlanta, exact what I'm saying. So

551
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:07,480
Speaker 1: even that, ladies and gentlemen, you got to speak to parents,

552
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:10,119
Speaker 1: You got to speak to your spouse. But then if

553
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:12,720
Speaker 1: you have brothers and sisters, you also have to speak

554
00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:14,560
Speaker 1: to both of them. Because there are times too when

555
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:17,440
Speaker 1: my brother and my sister's just like, YO, how come

556
00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:20,080
Speaker 1: we didn't get invited to so and so and I'd

557
00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:22,919
Speaker 1: be like, well, we didn't invite anybody. Cay's brother and

558
00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:26,720
Speaker 1: sister asked if they can come, so they came, They

559
00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:29,680
Speaker 1: bought their ticket. They came like we didn't ask anybody

560
00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:33,040
Speaker 1: to come. Whoever wants to support can support. But then

561
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,360
Speaker 1: the outside people looking in will be like damn. They

562
00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:39,040
Speaker 1: went and I didn't go exactly, and once again, nothing

563
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:43,200
Speaker 1: was done maliciously. But they asked, you didn't I didn't

564
00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:44,760
Speaker 1: invite they came.

565
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:46,960
Speaker 2: They inquire all the time. Y'all don't like.

566
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:50,040
Speaker 1: It just and it's just a different family things.

567
00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:51,200
Speaker 2: People move.

568
00:25:51,359 --> 00:25:53,959
Speaker 1: You're my brother and sister be looking at me funny.

569
00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:56,760
Speaker 1: Then your brother and sister be looking at you funny,

570
00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:58,200
Speaker 1: Like wait a minute, how come they not here? We

571
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:00,960
Speaker 1: the only ones here? Are we being overbearing? So I

572
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:03,840
Speaker 1: remember at one point Sakari was just like, are we

573
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:07,280
Speaker 1: bothering y'all? Like we always here? And I'm just like no,

574
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:09,320
Speaker 1: And then they're like, but we don't. We're the ones

575
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:12,239
Speaker 1: who always hear. I said yeah, because y'all want to come, right,

576
00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:14,080
Speaker 1: They want to come too, but they got to work

577
00:26:14,119 --> 00:26:17,000
Speaker 1: here and they don't work from home, so they can't come.

578
00:26:17,119 --> 00:26:20,040
Speaker 1: Like it's nothing malicious, But I need people to realize

579
00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:23,840
Speaker 1: how the different family dynamics can be taken away because

580
00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:25,960
Speaker 1: I grew up in the family not going to say

581
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:30,159
Speaker 1: no names where there wasn't, in an uncle who felt

582
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:33,199
Speaker 1: like they were ostracized from the rest of the family

583
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:36,840
Speaker 1: for certain reasons, and one of the main reasons was

584
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:40,439
Speaker 1: a certain aunt in an uncle passed them up to

585
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:43,159
Speaker 1: take the kids to another aunt and uncle and it

586
00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:45,120
Speaker 1: was like, well, why'd you pass our house to take

587
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:46,720
Speaker 1: them there when you could have just took them here?

588
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:50,440
Speaker 1: And it was like, well, that uncle always asked for them,

589
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:53,040
Speaker 1: so we took them there, and it was just like, oh,

590
00:26:53,119 --> 00:26:57,439
Speaker 1: so you don't mess with us. And it's like it

591
00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:00,199
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be the like, why does it have

592
00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:03,399
Speaker 1: to be a yours versus mind? Why can't we just

593
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:06,680
Speaker 1: discuss why we did that, have an understanding, and then

594
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:13,399
Speaker 1: everybody moved collectively to compromise. And it always ends with kids,

595
00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:16,960
Speaker 1: kids and holidays. It's problem taking a baby somewhere or

596
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:20,360
Speaker 1: going to somebody's house on the holiday, right, and it's

597
00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:23,480
Speaker 1: not an easy conversation to have. And as you can

598
00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:27,080
Speaker 1: hear now, even when we're having the conversations, it's still like, yeah,

599
00:27:27,119 --> 00:27:30,040
Speaker 1: but I need it this way. Yeah, but I like

600
00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:32,200
Speaker 1: it that way. It's never gonna stop, it's.

601
00:27:32,119 --> 00:27:33,080
Speaker 2: Never going to think about it.

602
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:35,600
Speaker 3: We're two people within a relationship, right as a spouse,

603
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:38,639
Speaker 3: married couple. Then you're trying to include the feelings of

604
00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:41,520
Speaker 3: two other people, like said.

605
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:42,359
Speaker 2: Mother and father.

606
00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:46,520
Speaker 3: So then now you have six people emotions you're trying

607
00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:47,800
Speaker 3: to manage through communication.

608
00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:50,120
Speaker 2: And then if you have the extended.

609
00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:52,679
Speaker 3: Brothers, or if you have the aunts and uncles who.

610
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:54,679
Speaker 1: Are uncles too, who will be like, how come we

611
00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:55,520
Speaker 1: don't ever get the boys?

612
00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:58,240
Speaker 3: How come we don't do And I'm just like they hear.

613
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:01,280
Speaker 3: And when you have four kids, you're not always like

614
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:03,600
Speaker 3: wanting to call somebody and be like, here, take all

615
00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:04,880
Speaker 3: four of these kids at one time.

616
00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:06,160
Speaker 2: We know that that can be a lot.

617
00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:09,440
Speaker 3: We live it every single day, so we're not always

618
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:11,400
Speaker 3: going to be the ones to try to inconvenience people

619
00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:14,480
Speaker 3: and say, hey, can you take all four children at

620
00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:17,280
Speaker 3: one time? It's a lot to deal with. It is,

621
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:20,439
Speaker 3: and we're cognizant of that. It's really cognizant of that.

622
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:27,080
Speaker 3: You want to helper at us never gonna say no.

623
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:29,400
Speaker 1: Because there's another thing that we're cognizant of it's hard

624
00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:31,800
Speaker 1: to pick up four kids and take them somewhere. So

625
00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:33,320
Speaker 1: when you keep asking us, how can we ain't seen

626
00:28:33,359 --> 00:28:35,240
Speaker 1: the kids because we don't want to get our big

627
00:28:35,280 --> 00:28:38,360
Speaker 1: selves up, pack up three kids and a toddler, put

628
00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:39,960
Speaker 1: them in the car and drive anywhere.

629
00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:41,040
Speaker 2: Period when we.

630
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:43,600
Speaker 1: Got time to ourselves, you don't. We want to do nothing.

631
00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:46,479
Speaker 1: It's still that's it. It's still nothing.

632
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,120
Speaker 3: Even when we live in Brooklyn. I'm like, y'all know

633
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:49,800
Speaker 3: where we live. Why do we always have to bring

634
00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:51,800
Speaker 3: the kids to you? You can say, hey, y'all, we're

635
00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:54,600
Speaker 3: gonna swing by. We'll come stay at the house with

636
00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:56,360
Speaker 3: the kids. Because at the time Kirra and kas were

637
00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:59,200
Speaker 3: still babies, they were toddlers. Yes, y'all can come say, oh,

638
00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:00,720
Speaker 3: we're gonna come chill with the kids. So you would

639
00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:03,560
Speaker 3: deval go. We'll gladly leave the house and go on

640
00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:05,280
Speaker 3: a date day or date night if you want to

641
00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:06,920
Speaker 3: come by and see the kids like that was always

642
00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:09,200
Speaker 3: the offer, but no one took us up on it

643
00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:10,920
Speaker 3: except for a very select few.

644
00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:13,040
Speaker 1: And a very select few would come by the house

645
00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:16,240
Speaker 1: to watch the kids. Yes, and even that, now here's

646
00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:19,640
Speaker 1: the crazy part, right, I talked about my cy vers

647
00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:23,760
Speaker 1: your side when they came to Kay and me, But

648
00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:26,520
Speaker 1: I also had to deal with your cy verse my

649
00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:29,360
Speaker 1: side when it came to my mom family and my

650
00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:33,720
Speaker 1: pop's family. Because one side of the family would ask

651
00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:36,720
Speaker 1: us all the time when of the boys coming by,

652
00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:38,400
Speaker 1: when the boys coming by, just bring them by, just

653
00:29:38,440 --> 00:29:40,640
Speaker 1: drop them by, or I'll come get them. The other

654
00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:43,000
Speaker 1: side would be a little bit more chill, so whenever

655
00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:45,760
Speaker 1: we needed somebody to watch them, we would take them

656
00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:48,120
Speaker 1: to the ones that was asking, and then the other

657
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:49,560
Speaker 1: ones would be like, oh, well, we live right down

658
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:53,520
Speaker 1: the block. How can y'all never ask us? And I'm like, yo, yo,

659
00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:58,040
Speaker 1: they asked, they asked. And I'm just giving these examples

660
00:29:58,120 --> 00:30:01,600
Speaker 1: because we do get these no letters about people be

661
00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:04,040
Speaker 1: like my mom want to see the kids, my husband

662
00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:06,520
Speaker 1: don't feel comfortable with this, I don't like.

663
00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:09,080
Speaker 2: This person, So how do I Yep, you know.

664
00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:11,200
Speaker 1: How you navigate it? Talk about it.

665
00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:12,560
Speaker 2: You got to talk about it and.

666
00:30:12,560 --> 00:30:15,960
Speaker 1: Understand that nothing is being done maliciously unless someone in

667
00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:18,720
Speaker 1: your family is being malicious, and that's what your kids.

668
00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:21,880
Speaker 3: You may have certain boundaries based off of historically how

669
00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:25,560
Speaker 3: things move facts, so that then requires a certain extra

670
00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:28,680
Speaker 3: added layer of communication. So just some quick tips for

671
00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:32,520
Speaker 3: splitting holidays, specifically talking honestly and openly and being willing

672
00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:33,200
Speaker 3: to compromise.

673
00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:34,400
Speaker 2: Compromising is a big thing.

674
00:30:34,480 --> 00:30:36,880
Speaker 3: Luckily, Develin, I fell into a situation where his family

675
00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:40,080
Speaker 3: celebrates Christmas Eve really big, and then my family does

676
00:30:40,160 --> 00:30:42,480
Speaker 3: Christmas Day really big, so that wasn't really an issue.

677
00:30:42,480 --> 00:30:44,600
Speaker 3: But now that we have our own family with our

678
00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:47,320
Speaker 3: own boys, we've kind of become like the stationary house

679
00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:50,280
Speaker 3: for Christmas. So both families feel comfortable coming down, and

680
00:30:50,320 --> 00:30:52,320
Speaker 3: we have an open door policy because we love when

681
00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:55,040
Speaker 3: all of the families together, especially for the holidays. Christmas

682
00:30:55,120 --> 00:30:55,920
Speaker 3: is like a big thing for me.

683
00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:56,520
Speaker 2: As y'all know.

684
00:30:57,040 --> 00:31:01,200
Speaker 3: Sidebar, my Christmas trees are being done. Sit off as

685
00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:03,520
Speaker 3: we speak, in case you guys are wondering. The minute

686
00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:05,840
Speaker 3: a little bit of chill gets into the air, you know,

687
00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:08,480
Speaker 3: I'm already looking at my Christmas trees and just itching.

688
00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:10,280
Speaker 3: So I can't wait till the next round of family

689
00:31:10,360 --> 00:31:13,320
Speaker 3: members come down so they can help me. Okay, a

690
00:31:13,360 --> 00:31:16,760
Speaker 3: lot of specific days during the holiday season for each family.

691
00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:22,360
Speaker 3: Consider alternating years with each family, offer to host everyone

692
00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:25,040
Speaker 3: at your house at your home, so that's typically what

693
00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:27,560
Speaker 3: we do for Christmas because then there's no excuse. We

694
00:31:27,640 --> 00:31:29,800
Speaker 3: both kind of get what we want out of it.

695
00:31:29,840 --> 00:31:32,640
Speaker 3: Split the day between each family if possible. That's usually

696
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:34,760
Speaker 3: a hard one, like on Christmas Day, it'll be hard

697
00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:38,760
Speaker 3: to go in the morning and midday go somewhere else.

698
00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:41,880
Speaker 3: Thanksgiving will hop around, but Christmas not so much. And

699
00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:44,120
Speaker 3: then starting your own tradition. So I'm kind of just

700
00:31:44,680 --> 00:31:48,240
Speaker 3: anticipating a little sad that maybe once my sister has

701
00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:50,200
Speaker 3: her own family, gets married, she's going to want to

702
00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:53,280
Speaker 3: start her own traditions with her husband and her children,

703
00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:55,120
Speaker 3: you know, the same way my brother is going to

704
00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:57,400
Speaker 3: do that. And I know I have four boys, like

705
00:31:58,720 --> 00:32:01,040
Speaker 3: I don't know, yeah exactly.

706
00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:03,320
Speaker 1: As a girlfriend, she has her own kids. And this

707
00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:07,240
Speaker 1: was this past Father's Day. They had something from my brother,

708
00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:09,400
Speaker 1: so he didn't come to spend Father's Day with me

709
00:32:09,440 --> 00:32:12,080
Speaker 1: and my post. But this is the most important thing.

710
00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:16,200
Speaker 1: There has to be understanding. And also we all as

711
00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:19,560
Speaker 1: individuals have to let go of our entitlement. And when

712
00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:21,960
Speaker 1: I say all, I mean everybody me included.

713
00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:22,240
Speaker 4: Right.

714
00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:26,360
Speaker 1: I learned that I have to stop expecting you to

715
00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:28,440
Speaker 1: do things the way I would do and I have

716
00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:32,120
Speaker 1: to stop expecting your family to celebrate the way we celebrate,

717
00:32:32,360 --> 00:32:34,880
Speaker 1: because in my mind, it was if y'all would just

718
00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:37,000
Speaker 1: celebrate the way we celebrate, but on a different day,

719
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:40,880
Speaker 1: it'd be more convenient for both parties. And it sounds easy,

720
00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:42,680
Speaker 1: but then it's like you're asking a family to change

721
00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:45,560
Speaker 1: their home tradition because you were entitled to that day.

722
00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:47,840
Speaker 1: And I think a lot of people need to start

723
00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:51,600
Speaker 1: realizing that no one is entitled to anyone else's time

724
00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:55,160
Speaker 1: just because we're family, Like, we have to let that go,

725
00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:57,240
Speaker 1: you know, like, oh, you're my son, you're supposed to

726
00:32:57,240 --> 00:32:59,480
Speaker 1: do this, so you're my wife. No, let's have a

727
00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:02,960
Speaker 1: conversation about what both parties can offer and compromise. That's

728
00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:05,240
Speaker 1: the only way it can happen. And if we let

729
00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:05,640
Speaker 1: go of.

730
00:33:05,560 --> 00:33:07,800
Speaker 3: Our entitlement, for sure, I know I'm already going to

731
00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:09,560
Speaker 3: have to start to talk myself out of that because

732
00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:12,440
Speaker 3: having four sons, you know, the boys normally tend to

733
00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:15,240
Speaker 3: get up and go wherever their significant other goes too

734
00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:17,160
Speaker 3: a lot of the time, So you can speak to

735
00:33:17,200 --> 00:33:19,960
Speaker 3: that in general, and sometimes it just happens because it

736
00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:23,320
Speaker 3: just naturally happens that way, with no malice. Intended and

737
00:33:23,360 --> 00:33:25,360
Speaker 3: you just kind of naturally go where the girl goes.

738
00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:27,880
Speaker 3: So I'm already anticipating what that's going to look like,

739
00:33:28,640 --> 00:33:30,880
Speaker 3: having potentially an empty house for Christmas.

740
00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:31,360
Speaker 2: I don't know.

741
00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:34,600
Speaker 1: There's no potential is. I'm going to be honest with you.

742
00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:37,480
Speaker 1: Everything you're used to having now is going to change.

743
00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:39,840
Speaker 1: When I look at my brother, I look at myself.

744
00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:42,200
Speaker 1: And the only reason why I say them and not

745
00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:43,680
Speaker 1: my sisters because we have all boys.

746
00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:44,040
Speaker 2: Right.

747
00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:47,040
Speaker 1: When my brother has to make decisions about holidays and family,

748
00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:50,040
Speaker 1: whoever his significant other is at the time is who

749
00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:52,120
Speaker 1: he leaves and who he leads on. Because the same

750
00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:55,560
Speaker 1: way I lean on you, he doesn't playing trips and stuff.

751
00:33:55,600 --> 00:33:57,200
Speaker 1: He's like, I'm like, yo, what you're doing for this day?

752
00:33:57,240 --> 00:33:59,160
Speaker 1: He'd be like, oh, so and so is doing this

753
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:01,280
Speaker 1: for me. So that's why I'm rocking. Same way they'll

754
00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:03,080
Speaker 1: be like, yodavour, what's the plans? What's the first thing?

755
00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:06,760
Speaker 1: I say? Yeah, okay, don't ask me. You know what

756
00:34:06,840 --> 00:34:09,360
Speaker 1: I'm saying. So I can't sit here and say, boys,

757
00:34:10,280 --> 00:34:13,359
Speaker 1: Christmas is your mother's holiday, all y'all be I mean,

758
00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:15,440
Speaker 1: I can say that, and I know that they'll they

759
00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:17,799
Speaker 1: will try but I also don't want to cause a

760
00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:20,799
Speaker 1: riff because I also understand that just because we're their

761
00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:23,760
Speaker 1: parents don't mean we're entitled to them on that day exactly.

762
00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:26,759
Speaker 1: And I feel like if more people utilize that as

763
00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:29,640
Speaker 1: a way to decide, like, you know what, let me be,

764
00:34:30,760 --> 00:34:34,000
Speaker 1: let me not be a problem, let me be a solution,

765
00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:37,000
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. That's the way I view

766
00:34:37,080 --> 00:34:39,440
Speaker 1: things now. I don't ever want to come with a problem.

767
00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:40,200
Speaker 1: I want to be a solution.

768
00:34:40,239 --> 00:34:42,360
Speaker 3: It's funny you say that, because I'm already forward thinking, like,

769
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:44,560
Speaker 3: is it a thing where we do like alternating years

770
00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:47,279
Speaker 3: and just say hey, boys, like, okay, on every even year,

771
00:34:47,560 --> 00:34:49,239
Speaker 3: we're going to have Christmas here. So if you guys

772
00:34:49,280 --> 00:34:51,640
Speaker 3: want to come down with your family and the odd years,

773
00:34:51,719 --> 00:34:53,000
Speaker 3: me and your father going to be on the south

774
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:55,200
Speaker 3: of France. We're going to be at the.

775
00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:59,560
Speaker 2: Coast of Italy doing something. So that's what Christmas is

776
00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:00,319
Speaker 2: going to look like for us.

777
00:35:00,320 --> 00:35:02,920
Speaker 3: So y'all can figure it out amongst yourselves and amongst

778
00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:03,920
Speaker 3: you Is that how you want to do it?

779
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:05,359
Speaker 2: I don't know. I was just throwing it out there.

780
00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:07,320
Speaker 3: It's like how it would look, you know, in the future.

781
00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:10,040
Speaker 3: To avoid their being you know, riffs.

782
00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:12,919
Speaker 1: Potentially, I would say this, this is what I would say.

783
00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:14,719
Speaker 1: There's never going to be a time where I'm going

784
00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:17,960
Speaker 1: to be comfortable with not seeing my boys on the holidays,

785
00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:20,320
Speaker 1: for sure, for a year, for sure. So what I

786
00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:24,360
Speaker 1: would tell them is, look, we're going to do Christmas

787
00:35:24,480 --> 00:35:29,480
Speaker 1: or Thanksgiving on a non traditional day, right, so we'll

788
00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:33,600
Speaker 1: celebrate like my family celebrates it on Christmas Eve, right,

789
00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:38,040
Speaker 1: because my dad realized that celebrating on Christmas Day is

790
00:35:38,080 --> 00:35:39,960
Speaker 1: asking all of these other people to travel on the

791
00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:41,880
Speaker 1: day where they want to be with family. But she

792
00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:43,759
Speaker 1: he was like, let's have it on Christmas Eve, the

793
00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:46,920
Speaker 1: night before. So I think we would probably do something similar.

794
00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:49,279
Speaker 1: I like that. It's like, hey, boys, what are y'all doing,

795
00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:51,120
Speaker 1: you know, Christmas Eve eve?

796
00:35:51,480 --> 00:35:51,600
Speaker 3: Right?

797
00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:53,759
Speaker 1: Or if if Christmas is the day where y'all want

798
00:35:53,760 --> 00:35:55,520
Speaker 1: to be with your girls and do all this stuff

799
00:35:55,760 --> 00:35:57,759
Speaker 1: Christmas Eve, can y'all come spend Christmas Eve with me

800
00:35:57,800 --> 00:35:58,239
Speaker 1: and your mind?

801
00:35:58,320 --> 00:35:58,400
Speaker 3: Right?

802
00:35:58,760 --> 00:35:59,359
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying?

803
00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:01,279
Speaker 3: Non auditions for the New Year's Day party or New

804
00:36:01,320 --> 00:36:03,279
Speaker 3: Year's Eve party or Thanksgiving.

805
00:36:04,080 --> 00:36:07,120
Speaker 1: We do a Friday, we do you know something, a

806
00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:12,080
Speaker 1: good Friday dinner as opposed to Thanksgiving Black Friday Black

807
00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:16,000
Speaker 1: Friday dinner, So like, that's that would be my option

808
00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:17,520
Speaker 1: that I would say, here's a solution.

809
00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:21,359
Speaker 2: Thinking about it, well, but this is.

810
00:36:21,360 --> 00:36:23,920
Speaker 1: Life, right, You gotta you gotta decide, like, am I

811
00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:26,799
Speaker 1: going to be the overbearing mom that causes problems every

812
00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:30,480
Speaker 1: holiday or when the kids have when our kids have

813
00:36:30,600 --> 00:36:32,400
Speaker 1: children to be like, you better bring them to me first.

814
00:36:32,760 --> 00:36:35,400
Speaker 1: You can either decide to be that mom, or you

815
00:36:35,400 --> 00:36:37,319
Speaker 1: can be the mom that says, hey, guys.

816
00:36:37,239 --> 00:36:38,640
Speaker 2: Yes, I'm here whenever you I'm here.

817
00:36:38,560 --> 00:36:40,359
Speaker 1: When you need. These are the days I'm available. These

818
00:36:40,360 --> 00:36:42,840
Speaker 1: are days I'm not and let them say, oh my

819
00:36:42,920 --> 00:36:47,440
Speaker 1: mom said. And I feel like that's the best way for.

820
00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:51,279
Speaker 3: Sure to be involved, but not overbearings. I definitely don't

821
00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:53,359
Speaker 3: want to be that either and driving them away.

822
00:36:54,520 --> 00:36:55,600
Speaker 2: All alriting.

823
00:36:56,000 --> 00:36:57,960
Speaker 3: All right, hope this give you guys a little insight

824
00:36:58,000 --> 00:36:59,440
Speaker 3: and little help to let you guys know that the

825
00:36:59,480 --> 00:37:02,040
Speaker 3: conversation is always gonna keep rolling, child, especially when it

826
00:37:02,080 --> 00:37:04,600
Speaker 3: comes to families. So let's take a quick break and

827
00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:07,279
Speaker 3: we're gonna move into listening letters after we get into

828
00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:09,439
Speaker 3: these ads, So stick around and we'll be back.

829
00:37:19,360 --> 00:37:22,440
Speaker 1: All right, We're back, and if you saw my eyes bulged,

830
00:37:22,480 --> 00:37:25,160
Speaker 1: it's because this listening letter is like, wow, long, I'm

831
00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:25,720
Speaker 1: not even.

832
00:37:25,560 --> 00:37:28,840
Speaker 3: Going We asked for context. Yeah, I'm not even and

833
00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:30,560
Speaker 3: they're giving us context.

834
00:37:30,680 --> 00:37:31,320
Speaker 1: I'm just sorting.

835
00:37:31,320 --> 00:37:33,000
Speaker 2: You're gonna read your story. You're gonna go first, all right,

836
00:37:33,080 --> 00:37:33,359
Speaker 2: go for.

837
00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:39,160
Speaker 1: It here ye here, No, Hey, guys, I want to

838
00:37:39,200 --> 00:37:41,200
Speaker 1: start out by giving you your flowers. Thank you so

839
00:37:41,320 --> 00:37:42,879
Speaker 1: much what you have done for the black and brown

840
00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:45,879
Speaker 1: community to open them dialogues that we would never think

841
00:37:45,920 --> 00:37:49,240
Speaker 1: to talk about. Thank you. Are You're amazing? Thank you.

842
00:37:49,280 --> 00:37:51,520
Speaker 1: Oh you guys are amazing. You're amazing as well. I

843
00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:54,680
Speaker 1: would like to remain anonymous. Now let's start. I need

844
00:37:54,719 --> 00:37:55,920
Speaker 1: help in capital letters.

845
00:37:56,080 --> 00:37:56,319
Speaker 2: Wow.

846
00:37:56,320 --> 00:37:58,120
Speaker 1: My husband and I have been married for two years.

847
00:37:58,160 --> 00:38:00,240
Speaker 1: I am twenty eight and my husband is thirty three.

848
00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:02,320
Speaker 1: I have to start by saying I am a born

849
00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:08,000
Speaker 1: and raised Guyanese woman and Guyanese GT and he's American.

850
00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:10,880
Speaker 1: This will make sense soon, Kadean. I know you are

851
00:38:10,920 --> 00:38:13,600
Speaker 1: from a West Indian household, so our culture of liming,

852
00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:16,319
Speaker 1: partying and carnival is something we grew up with. Yes, man, Now,

853
00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:18,200
Speaker 1: my husband wasn't raised that way. He was born and

854
00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:20,359
Speaker 1: raised in New York, but tends to shy away from

855
00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:21,760
Speaker 1: the Caribean Caribbean culture.

856
00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:24,320
Speaker 2: That's that's hard to do in New York. It's everywhere.

857
00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:26,360
Speaker 1: The first year of our relationship, I got pregnant, So

858
00:38:26,440 --> 00:38:28,640
Speaker 1: the time that we were supposed to use to introduce

859
00:38:28,680 --> 00:38:31,000
Speaker 1: each other to our cultures was used to prepare for

860
00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:33,879
Speaker 1: this new life. Of this new life coming makes sense now.

861
00:38:34,000 --> 00:38:36,080
Speaker 1: Prior to being together, I used to go to FETs

862
00:38:36,200 --> 00:38:38,520
Speaker 1: all the time in the summer with my friends. When

863
00:38:38,520 --> 00:38:41,120
Speaker 1: I got When I got pregnant, of course that stopped.

864
00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:43,280
Speaker 1: We ended up moving out of the state and having

865
00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:46,279
Speaker 1: our baby. After that, we got married, like I mentioned before,

866
00:38:46,320 --> 00:38:48,719
Speaker 1: and of course I can't live my life like like

867
00:38:48,719 --> 00:38:51,520
Speaker 1: I'm single. I'm a married woman and mother. But I'm

868
00:38:51,520 --> 00:38:56,000
Speaker 1: also not a prude, not a poune she put pune prudy. Yeah,

869
00:38:56,920 --> 00:38:59,320
Speaker 1: now here's the problem. My husband would prefer that I

870
00:38:59,440 --> 00:39:02,640
Speaker 1: go didn't go to parties. His reasoning behind it is

871
00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:05,680
Speaker 1: what are you going there for? You are dressing up

872
00:39:05,719 --> 00:39:07,759
Speaker 1: and dancing for guys to look at you. That's not

873
00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:10,040
Speaker 1: what a married person should be doing. But I explain

874
00:39:10,120 --> 00:39:12,239
Speaker 1: to him that this is my culture. Carnival is in

875
00:39:12,320 --> 00:39:14,680
Speaker 1: my blood. We aren't going to parties to look for

876
00:39:14,680 --> 00:39:17,239
Speaker 1: attention for a man. We are going to enjoy good

877
00:39:17,320 --> 00:39:20,759
Speaker 1: music that is in a group setting that has good vibesep.

878
00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:23,680
Speaker 1: He still doesn't understand it, and I get it, but

879
00:39:23,840 --> 00:39:26,080
Speaker 1: I get it because it isn't his culture. I even

880
00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:28,040
Speaker 1: try to invite him, and all he does is make

881
00:39:28,080 --> 00:39:31,719
Speaker 1: excuses not to go because it isn't his thing. Now,

882
00:39:31,800 --> 00:39:34,400
Speaker 1: every time I want to go out, I get anxious

883
00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:37,000
Speaker 1: just telling him because I know the uneasy feeling that

884
00:39:37,040 --> 00:39:39,920
Speaker 1: will settle in afterwards. He even has a problem with

885
00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:42,440
Speaker 1: the things I wear. I am a curvy five foot six,

886
00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:44,920
Speaker 1: one hundred and ninety pound woman and can't hide my

887
00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:47,680
Speaker 1: ass or boobs, but he gets upset if I wear

888
00:39:47,719 --> 00:39:50,719
Speaker 1: leggings or a sun dress that is too tight, or

889
00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:55,120
Speaker 1: show my curves. I already know what's happening here, so FYI.

890
00:39:55,239 --> 00:39:57,600
Speaker 1: I only went to two parties this year, and his

891
00:39:57,680 --> 00:40:00,359
Speaker 1: response is after this last one, I hope there are

892
00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:03,920
Speaker 1: no more for the year. What should I do? How

893
00:40:03,920 --> 00:40:05,759
Speaker 1: do I get him to be more understanding of my

894
00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:08,760
Speaker 1: social life and the way I dress from a woman's

895
00:40:08,800 --> 00:40:10,000
Speaker 1: and a man's perspective.

896
00:40:11,880 --> 00:40:14,480
Speaker 2: Baby, it's giving all the insecurities.

897
00:40:15,440 --> 00:40:18,719
Speaker 1: I'm gonna disagree with you on that you are. I'm

898
00:40:18,719 --> 00:40:22,200
Speaker 1: gonna tell you why. If a woman says she doesn't

899
00:40:22,200 --> 00:40:24,879
Speaker 1: want a man doing something, do we ever say, oh,

900
00:40:24,880 --> 00:40:27,279
Speaker 1: she's showing her insecurities? Absolutely no, we don't. You know

901
00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:30,600
Speaker 1: what we say if you listen to when people talk.

902
00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:32,399
Speaker 1: If a woman says, I don't want you talking to her,

903
00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:34,200
Speaker 1: I don't want you hanging out with your boys. I

904
00:40:34,239 --> 00:40:35,760
Speaker 1: don't want you going to the strip club.

905
00:40:35,840 --> 00:40:36,840
Speaker 2: That gives insecure to me.

906
00:40:37,040 --> 00:40:39,200
Speaker 1: But what do women say? No, married man is supposed

907
00:40:39,200 --> 00:40:41,600
Speaker 1: to be in the strip club? Why married man gonna

908
00:40:41,600 --> 00:40:43,600
Speaker 1: be hanging out with his single friends? Don't women say

909
00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:46,000
Speaker 1: that all the time? And what I'm saying is is

910
00:40:46,040 --> 00:40:49,680
Speaker 1: that there has to be an understanding between two people

911
00:40:49,880 --> 00:40:53,120
Speaker 1: prior to getting married about what marriage expectations look like.

912
00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:56,080
Speaker 1: Now she said they got didn't for that, They didn't

913
00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:59,040
Speaker 1: get a chance for that. Yes, they got pregnant immediately

914
00:40:59,080 --> 00:41:03,080
Speaker 1: they got married. I think he has his boundaries and

915
00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:05,440
Speaker 1: he's trying to set his boundaries. But you got a

916
00:41:05,480 --> 00:41:08,360
Speaker 1: woman pregnant and got married before setting your boundaries, you

917
00:41:08,400 --> 00:41:11,080
Speaker 1: can't then make her do what you want her to do.

918
00:41:11,640 --> 00:41:14,000
Speaker 1: Now that in a way, she's kind of trapped because

919
00:41:14,000 --> 00:41:17,839
Speaker 1: she got pregnant and is married. That time when they

920
00:41:17,840 --> 00:41:21,520
Speaker 1: were dating, what should have happened was him saying, I

921
00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:24,239
Speaker 1: don't like all this partying because that's not what I like.

922
00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:27,520
Speaker 1: I don't like all this party. If that's something you're

923
00:41:27,840 --> 00:41:29,680
Speaker 1: going to do or you need to do, then we

924
00:41:29,800 --> 00:41:33,560
Speaker 1: can't be together or we can't move through life together.

925
00:41:33,840 --> 00:41:36,160
Speaker 1: I don't think that's insecurities, and I don't think that

926
00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:38,719
Speaker 1: she's wilding out for wanting the party. I think that

927
00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:41,080
Speaker 1: this is what she enjoys and he doesn't enjoy it

928
00:41:41,480 --> 00:41:43,080
Speaker 1: the same way. If a man was just like, yo,

929
00:41:43,120 --> 00:41:44,480
Speaker 1: I go to strip club this is what I do.

930
00:41:44,600 --> 00:41:47,240
Speaker 1: Is my culture. I'm from down South. Ain't no woman

931
00:41:47,280 --> 00:41:49,160
Speaker 1: in the world going to be like, that's just Southern

932
00:41:49,200 --> 00:41:52,000
Speaker 1: American culture going to strip clubs. Because let's be honest.

933
00:41:52,280 --> 00:41:54,800
Speaker 1: If you go to strip clubs, women wear what g strings?

934
00:41:54,800 --> 00:41:57,000
Speaker 1: They shake their ants and they dance. Right when you

935
00:41:57,040 --> 00:41:59,120
Speaker 1: go to FETs, what do women wear? G strings? They

936
00:41:59,120 --> 00:42:02,480
Speaker 1: shake their ass and they But we expect Americans to

937
00:42:02,600 --> 00:42:05,080
Speaker 1: just say, oh, that's their culture. Is fine. But if

938
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:06,960
Speaker 1: you were to tell someone else that the strip clubs

939
00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:09,080
Speaker 1: is our culture, they would say it's not fine.

940
00:42:09,239 --> 00:42:12,000
Speaker 3: I guess it really depends on the person because personally,

941
00:42:12,040 --> 00:42:13,759
Speaker 3: I know, I kind of know how you and I roll,

942
00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:16,080
Speaker 3: and we don't put those kind of boundaries on each other.

943
00:42:16,640 --> 00:42:18,520
Speaker 2: So it's hard to answer questions like.

944
00:42:18,520 --> 00:42:20,239
Speaker 3: This sometimes because I'm just like, I don't see what's

945
00:42:20,239 --> 00:42:22,759
Speaker 3: the big deal on either side, you know, but I

946
00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:25,040
Speaker 3: do get what you're saying and where you're coming from.

947
00:42:25,160 --> 00:42:29,440
Speaker 3: It's wrong to just automatically assume that someone's going to

948
00:42:29,520 --> 00:42:31,839
Speaker 3: accept your way of life and your culture, and like

949
00:42:31,880 --> 00:42:34,400
Speaker 3: you said, going into this, they really didn't have a

950
00:42:34,520 --> 00:42:36,840
Speaker 3: chance to decipher what it was that they wanted to

951
00:42:36,840 --> 00:42:40,080
Speaker 3: do or not. But also to we're not about necessarily

952
00:42:40,080 --> 00:42:44,400
Speaker 3: putting boundaries and limitations on each other as individuals, and

953
00:42:44,560 --> 00:42:47,480
Speaker 3: not a lot of people feel like that within their relationships.

954
00:42:47,480 --> 00:42:49,200
Speaker 3: They feel like, these are my boundaries, These are the

955
00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:53,080
Speaker 3: limitations that I have for you were to us, it's stifling. Yes,

956
00:42:53,680 --> 00:42:58,200
Speaker 3: And I think that if it was the other way around,

957
00:42:58,200 --> 00:42:59,440
Speaker 3: and like you said, he was going to be the

958
00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:01,279
Speaker 3: person to say go out to strip clubs or do

959
00:43:01,360 --> 00:43:03,279
Speaker 3: whatever it is, I'm wondering if she would give him

960
00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:05,319
Speaker 3: the same courtesy or if she would just be like,

961
00:43:05,320 --> 00:43:07,319
Speaker 3: all right, well that's what you're accustomed to doing. So

962
00:43:07,360 --> 00:43:11,000
Speaker 3: what is he thinking that she's looking for attention or

963
00:43:11,320 --> 00:43:13,399
Speaker 3: does he just not want her in those environments?

964
00:43:13,560 --> 00:43:15,959
Speaker 2: Like, there's a lot of things to unpack.

965
00:43:15,640 --> 00:43:17,839
Speaker 1: Because they never courted each other and they never had

966
00:43:17,840 --> 00:43:21,319
Speaker 1: that conversation about what's acceptable and what's not acceptable, or

967
00:43:21,360 --> 00:43:23,719
Speaker 1: what they like or what they don't like. And the

968
00:43:23,760 --> 00:43:26,520
Speaker 1: only reason why I use the strip club analogy is

969
00:43:26,560 --> 00:43:30,800
Speaker 1: because I don't like when we just immediately say someone

970
00:43:30,880 --> 00:43:33,360
Speaker 1: is insecure when they don't want their partner to do something.

971
00:43:33,760 --> 00:43:36,920
Speaker 1: I don't think that that's always insecurities, right, Like, for example,

972
00:43:37,719 --> 00:43:40,200
Speaker 1: an open couple. If a couple is just open, right,

973
00:43:41,280 --> 00:43:44,040
Speaker 1: the open relationship, and then a guy says, well, I

974
00:43:44,040 --> 00:43:46,680
Speaker 1: don't want you to have sex with other people, the

975
00:43:46,800 --> 00:43:50,920
Speaker 1: open couple would say to everyone else, oh, that's just insecurities,

976
00:43:51,160 --> 00:43:54,960
Speaker 1: because they're cool with being in an open relationship. We

977
00:43:55,000 --> 00:43:57,040
Speaker 1: can't judge people who don't want people to go to

978
00:43:57,080 --> 00:43:58,840
Speaker 1: FETs or don't want people to go to strip club

979
00:43:58,920 --> 00:44:01,160
Speaker 1: just because that's what we don't do, and then say,

980
00:44:01,160 --> 00:44:02,799
Speaker 1: well that's insecure.

981
00:44:02,320 --> 00:44:04,320
Speaker 3: But it's even him trying to control what she wears,

982
00:44:04,360 --> 00:44:06,400
Speaker 3: like she says she can't hide her body. You know,

983
00:44:06,480 --> 00:44:08,359
Speaker 3: so if she wears leggings or a sundress, he has

984
00:44:08,400 --> 00:44:11,400
Speaker 3: a problem with it being too tight. And I'm just like, so,

985
00:44:11,719 --> 00:44:13,839
Speaker 3: now you're trying to control what she's wearing out.

986
00:44:14,640 --> 00:44:17,480
Speaker 1: Well, here's this is just my opinion, right, it's my opinion.

987
00:44:17,840 --> 00:44:21,719
Speaker 1: I listen to women talk about what other women wear

988
00:44:21,920 --> 00:44:24,840
Speaker 1: all the time. She that's too tight? Why would she

989
00:44:24,840 --> 00:44:26,960
Speaker 1: wear that? Why are her I think about one of

990
00:44:27,680 --> 00:44:29,360
Speaker 1: I don't want to say the names, but there's someone

991
00:44:29,400 --> 00:44:31,560
Speaker 1: that we know who every time they go out, it's

992
00:44:31,600 --> 00:44:35,279
Speaker 1: always cleavage, it's always spilling out right, And what do

993
00:44:35,320 --> 00:44:39,640
Speaker 1: all the women say? Why always got to be right?

994
00:44:39,680 --> 00:44:41,560
Speaker 1: But imagine if her boyfriends like, man, why you always

995
00:44:41,560 --> 00:44:43,440
Speaker 1: got to then the women will be like, oh, he's controlling.

996
00:44:44,000 --> 00:44:45,840
Speaker 1: I don't think it's controlling. If you don't want you.

997
00:44:46,000 --> 00:44:47,960
Speaker 1: And he says, she's five six, one hundred and ninety pounds,

998
00:44:48,000 --> 00:44:52,200
Speaker 1: which means she's curvy, she probably got busty. And you

999
00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:56,800
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, right, maybe he just doesn't feel

1000
00:44:56,840 --> 00:45:00,040
Speaker 1: comfortable with his wife showing that. I don't think that

1001
00:45:00,040 --> 00:45:02,919
Speaker 1: that's controlling. That's just something he don't feel comfortable with

1002
00:45:03,680 --> 00:45:05,759
Speaker 1: it depends controlling to me. Is him saying you're not

1003
00:45:05,840 --> 00:45:08,120
Speaker 1: going ever stay your ass, him saying I don't feel

1004
00:45:08,120 --> 00:45:11,080
Speaker 1: comfortable with that. It's him expressing how he feels.

1005
00:45:11,560 --> 00:45:13,840
Speaker 3: I mean right, because there have been times where I

1006
00:45:14,080 --> 00:45:16,080
Speaker 3: get your opinion on the outfit for its going out

1007
00:45:16,120 --> 00:45:17,839
Speaker 3: and you'd be like that might be a bit much,

1008
00:45:17,880 --> 00:45:19,640
Speaker 3: or you'd be like, I'd be more comfortable with you

1009
00:45:19,680 --> 00:45:21,960
Speaker 3: wearing that out with me, because if you get unwanted

1010
00:45:21,960 --> 00:45:24,640
Speaker 3: attention and then somebody is harassing you, then you're gonna

1011
00:45:24,640 --> 00:45:27,560
Speaker 3: be calling me like, Okay, somebody's trying to do x

1012
00:45:27,640 --> 00:45:29,960
Speaker 3: y Z. I mean somebody trying to get x y Z.

1013
00:45:30,080 --> 00:45:32,480
Speaker 3: Come handle this, you know which. I don't call to

1014
00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:34,960
Speaker 3: put you in a situation, never.

1015
00:45:34,520 --> 00:45:36,799
Speaker 1: Have, but you did call me one time when when

1016
00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:38,120
Speaker 1: I was in Detroit and you was just like, yo,

1017
00:45:38,120 --> 00:45:39,560
Speaker 1: this dude got me double parked in and.

1018
00:45:40,320 --> 00:45:43,399
Speaker 2: Raped and would not let me. I wasn't wearing, no tpre.

1019
00:45:43,480 --> 00:45:45,279
Speaker 1: Nothing to do with what you were wearing. But it

1020
00:45:45,400 --> 00:45:47,960
Speaker 1: was the fact that if I have to protect you,

1021
00:45:48,080 --> 00:45:50,680
Speaker 1: or I'm the person that's responsible to protect you, I

1022
00:45:50,680 --> 00:45:54,840
Speaker 1: should also have say in what's going on with that protection.

1023
00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:58,719
Speaker 1: You know, what I'm saying, like, I don't think it's controlling.

1024
00:45:58,760 --> 00:46:00,480
Speaker 1: If someone says to someone else, you know, I don't

1025
00:46:00,600 --> 00:46:03,480
Speaker 1: like when you wear that when you go out, especially

1026
00:46:03,480 --> 00:46:05,799
Speaker 1: if I'm not there, I think it's controlling. If they

1027
00:46:05,800 --> 00:46:08,120
Speaker 1: slam the door and say you're not going nowhere unless

1028
00:46:08,120 --> 00:46:11,520
Speaker 1: you change. That's controlling. Someone expressing to you what they

1029
00:46:11,560 --> 00:46:13,640
Speaker 1: don't like. How is someone supposed to let you know

1030
00:46:13,680 --> 00:46:16,680
Speaker 1: how they feel if they don't express it? And that

1031
00:46:16,760 --> 00:46:18,520
Speaker 1: to me is from a man or a woman, right

1032
00:46:18,560 --> 00:46:20,359
Speaker 1: because we get to say, oh, she's a controlling wife,

1033
00:46:20,400 --> 00:46:23,799
Speaker 1: she don't want her husband. No, she's not controlling when

1034
00:46:23,840 --> 00:46:26,480
Speaker 1: she says I don't like my husband going out doing this,

1035
00:46:26,680 --> 00:46:30,160
Speaker 1: doing that. She's expressing to you what makes her feel

1036
00:46:30,160 --> 00:46:32,920
Speaker 1: a way. If you don't want to adhere to that,

1037
00:46:32,960 --> 00:46:35,759
Speaker 1: you can say, well, listen, I don't agree with that.

1038
00:46:35,800 --> 00:46:37,439
Speaker 1: This is how I want to live my life. Maybe

1039
00:46:37,480 --> 00:46:42,439
Speaker 1: we can't be together. But if you can say, babe, okay,

1040
00:46:42,520 --> 00:46:44,520
Speaker 1: I'll do it, and you conform and everything she want

1041
00:46:44,560 --> 00:46:46,960
Speaker 1: and now you're miserable. But then you call her controlling.

1042
00:46:47,400 --> 00:46:50,440
Speaker 1: You chose to do that. You chose to conform and

1043
00:46:50,520 --> 00:46:52,520
Speaker 1: change your life to what she wants them be miserable.

1044
00:46:52,840 --> 00:46:55,160
Speaker 1: You always have a choice if someone expressed to you

1045
00:46:55,200 --> 00:46:57,560
Speaker 1: how they feel to go along with it or not

1046
00:46:57,680 --> 00:47:00,120
Speaker 1: going on. It only becomes controlling if that person and

1047
00:47:00,239 --> 00:47:03,920
Speaker 1: impedes what you try to do with force them telling

1048
00:47:03,920 --> 00:47:05,920
Speaker 1: you how they feel. I don't think that's control. And

1049
00:47:05,960 --> 00:47:08,360
Speaker 1: I think that's when you look at the stuff that

1050
00:47:08,400 --> 00:47:10,200
Speaker 1: goes on in the internet. You know, with a certain

1051
00:47:10,239 --> 00:47:14,640
Speaker 1: couple who this summer was all over the internet because

1052
00:47:14,960 --> 00:47:17,360
Speaker 1: a certain person decided to go out and say I

1053
00:47:17,360 --> 00:47:19,719
Speaker 1: don't like you wearing that right, you know what I'm saying.

1054
00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:23,560
Speaker 1: They ended up back together. But to me, I feel like, man,

1055
00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:26,800
Speaker 1: if I don't like something my significant other is doing,

1056
00:47:27,040 --> 00:47:28,600
Speaker 1: do I not have the right to tell him I

1057
00:47:28,640 --> 00:47:32,400
Speaker 1: just don't like it. Now, I wouldn't go to social

1058
00:47:32,440 --> 00:47:34,719
Speaker 1: media and say it, but I would say it to you.

1059
00:47:34,920 --> 00:47:36,839
Speaker 1: And if I say it to you, I don't want

1060
00:47:36,880 --> 00:47:38,000
Speaker 1: you look at me like I'm controlling.

1061
00:47:38,040 --> 00:47:40,560
Speaker 3: I'm just telling you right, that's true because we've like

1062
00:47:40,600 --> 00:47:42,759
Speaker 3: that together just over You're just like, I don't know.

1063
00:47:43,000 --> 00:47:44,759
Speaker 3: And also, to in the vein of the topic today,

1064
00:47:44,800 --> 00:47:46,600
Speaker 3: what you're talking about was just compromise when it comes

1065
00:47:46,640 --> 00:47:48,920
Speaker 3: to family. Maybe he can compromise too and say, you

1066
00:47:48,920 --> 00:47:50,719
Speaker 3: know what, this is not really my thing, but I'll

1067
00:47:50,760 --> 00:47:53,480
Speaker 3: come like that. I don't like a Soca party, but

1068
00:47:53,560 --> 00:47:56,080
Speaker 3: the val has gone to many ah Soca parties because

1069
00:47:56,080 --> 00:47:58,560
Speaker 3: he knows that's what I enjoy and that's the environment

1070
00:47:58,560 --> 00:47:59,960
Speaker 3: I like to be in, so he can kind of

1071
00:48:00,120 --> 00:48:02,359
Speaker 3: just also see like, all right, well, yes, people dance,

1072
00:48:02,360 --> 00:48:04,359
Speaker 3: people carry on, people have a good time, but it's

1073
00:48:04,400 --> 00:48:08,600
Speaker 3: never in any kind of, you know, necessarily vulgar or

1074
00:48:08,640 --> 00:48:10,759
Speaker 3: malicious ways. Sometimes people just want to go out, listen

1075
00:48:10,800 --> 00:48:13,680
Speaker 3: to some music, have good vibes, have a couple of drinks, dance.

1076
00:48:13,880 --> 00:48:17,120
Speaker 1: But let me ask a serious question before we move on. Right,

1077
00:48:18,360 --> 00:48:23,080
Speaker 1: you go to soaka FETs, women wear bikinis.

1078
00:48:21,840 --> 00:48:24,640
Speaker 2: Sometimes I mean Carnival, a.

1079
00:48:24,680 --> 00:48:26,879
Speaker 1: Regular fet Yeah, but even some of these fetes where

1080
00:48:26,880 --> 00:48:28,680
Speaker 1: they got the paint parties and stuff, women and they

1081
00:48:29,320 --> 00:48:31,920
Speaker 1: bikinis and stuff. Right, And if you look at videos,

1082
00:48:32,239 --> 00:48:34,799
Speaker 1: they're winding up on guys they don't know, jumping up

1083
00:48:34,840 --> 00:48:37,440
Speaker 1: on guys. You know what I'm saying. Guys got them

1084
00:48:37,480 --> 00:48:41,799
Speaker 1: bent over, you know what I'm saying. Explain to me

1085
00:48:42,400 --> 00:48:49,000
Speaker 1: how that environment is really any different than a strip club.

1086
00:48:50,040 --> 00:48:52,320
Speaker 2: Well, strip clubs women are dancing for money.

1087
00:48:53,120 --> 00:48:55,960
Speaker 1: That's like I'm not talking about like what I'm talking

1088
00:48:55,960 --> 00:49:02,640
Speaker 1: about the environment bikinis dancing, bikinis dancing strangers, dancing on strangers,

1089
00:49:02,680 --> 00:49:06,080
Speaker 1: winding up on strangers. If you don't know, if you

1090
00:49:06,160 --> 00:49:10,279
Speaker 1: just took a video from both, right, what would be

1091
00:49:10,280 --> 00:49:11,200
Speaker 1: the major difference.

1092
00:49:12,360 --> 00:49:14,480
Speaker 3: You're probably the money part of it because women are

1093
00:49:14,800 --> 00:49:16,880
Speaker 3: working as strippers for entertainment.

1094
00:49:16,920 --> 00:49:19,160
Speaker 1: Whereas I'm talking about the visual of a woman in

1095
00:49:19,160 --> 00:49:22,800
Speaker 1: a bikini lap dancing on dancing on someone, as opposed

1096
00:49:22,800 --> 00:49:26,280
Speaker 1: to a woman in the street in a bikini lap dancing.

1097
00:49:26,440 --> 00:49:29,080
Speaker 1: It's literally the same thing. It's the only different to this.

1098
00:49:29,239 --> 00:49:31,920
Speaker 3: You can't compare Caribbean culture in US dancing at fetes

1099
00:49:31,960 --> 00:49:33,000
Speaker 3: to strip clubs.

1100
00:49:33,080 --> 00:49:35,719
Speaker 1: No, But what I'm saying is is I want sometimes

1101
00:49:35,760 --> 00:49:38,320
Speaker 1: Caribbean women to understand why an American man who doesn't

1102
00:49:38,400 --> 00:49:43,520
Speaker 1: understand the culture would see that and automatically see like ding, Well,

1103
00:49:43,680 --> 00:49:46,600
Speaker 1: this is how we view women in our culture who

1104
00:49:46,680 --> 00:49:50,640
Speaker 1: dressed like that and do that. How they It's hard

1105
00:49:50,680 --> 00:49:53,080
Speaker 1: for them to say, why would I feel comfortable with

1106
00:49:53,200 --> 00:49:55,960
Speaker 1: my woman or the women that we're supposed to be with.

1107
00:49:56,480 --> 00:49:58,200
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, I'm just.

1108
00:49:57,719 --> 00:49:59,880
Speaker 3: Why he should probably go to a couple with her

1109
00:50:00,120 --> 00:50:02,880
Speaker 3: see exactly what transpires, and maybe that might give him

1110
00:50:02,880 --> 00:50:04,480
Speaker 3: a little bit of a comfort level to say, Okay,

1111
00:50:04,480 --> 00:50:06,840
Speaker 3: at least it's not what I think it is or

1112
00:50:06,880 --> 00:50:09,480
Speaker 3: what it appears to be. Because sometimes looking at that

1113
00:50:09,520 --> 00:50:12,879
Speaker 3: screenshot or that snapshot of a photo, for example, can

1114
00:50:12,920 --> 00:50:14,320
Speaker 3: you create you create your own narrative.

1115
00:50:14,480 --> 00:50:16,399
Speaker 1: So let me ask a question, serious question. I don't

1116
00:50:16,400 --> 00:50:17,680
Speaker 1: have a problem with it because I grew up in

1117
00:50:17,680 --> 00:50:21,600
Speaker 1: that culture. But if a woman in a bikini is

1118
00:50:21,680 --> 00:50:25,400
Speaker 1: dancing on your husband and he paid her twenty dollars,

1119
00:50:26,520 --> 00:50:29,120
Speaker 1: is it any less offensive if a woman in a

1120
00:50:29,120 --> 00:50:31,800
Speaker 1: bikini is dancing on your husband in the street or free.

1121
00:50:32,120 --> 00:50:32,239
Speaker 3: No.

1122
00:50:32,280 --> 00:50:34,720
Speaker 2: I just think the intention with the environment is different.

1123
00:50:34,719 --> 00:50:36,640
Speaker 3: When you're going into a strip club, you're paying for

1124
00:50:36,640 --> 00:50:39,960
Speaker 3: that particular entertainment, whereas if it's at a party in

1125
00:50:40,040 --> 00:50:42,080
Speaker 3: passing and you dance with somebody and you keep it moving.

1126
00:50:42,520 --> 00:50:43,759
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I mean you have to pay to go

1127
00:50:43,760 --> 00:50:46,000
Speaker 1: to these carties, it's still entertainment. The entertainment is the

1128
00:50:46,080 --> 00:50:47,880
Speaker 1: music is playing and women are going to dance on you.

1129
00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:50,360
Speaker 3: Yeah, but I think the intentions are just different. Like

1130
00:50:50,760 --> 00:50:54,200
Speaker 3: I wouldn't compare a FET to a strip club. Personally,

1131
00:50:55,080 --> 00:50:55,680
Speaker 3: that's my culture.

1132
00:50:55,680 --> 00:50:59,719
Speaker 1: And I know I personally would disagree. I personally would

1133
00:50:59,719 --> 00:51:03,600
Speaker 1: dis mainly because they're both forms of entertainment. It's both dancing,

1134
00:51:04,200 --> 00:51:08,560
Speaker 1: it's both liquor, it's both music. The only difference is

1135
00:51:08,840 --> 00:51:11,680
Speaker 1: the men in the strip club are paying strippers to

1136
00:51:11,840 --> 00:51:16,960
Speaker 1: dance directly. The men on fats are not paying them

1137
00:51:16,960 --> 00:51:19,040
Speaker 1: women directly, but they had to pay somebody to get

1138
00:51:19,080 --> 00:51:20,160
Speaker 1: in that promoted club.

1139
00:51:20,800 --> 00:51:21,800
Speaker 2: And the women who want.

1140
00:51:21,680 --> 00:51:24,080
Speaker 3: To dance in that manner they do, and they consider

1141
00:51:24,120 --> 00:51:26,520
Speaker 3: it fun, they keep it moving. And women like me

1142
00:51:26,560 --> 00:51:28,600
Speaker 3: who rather hold my corner and dance with my friends

1143
00:51:28,640 --> 00:51:31,400
Speaker 3: and stuff. You know, it's different too. There's a choice,

1144
00:51:31,560 --> 00:51:34,400
Speaker 3: but how you want to engage in that fat type environment.

1145
00:51:34,440 --> 00:51:36,600
Speaker 1: But what I'm just saying is, can you imagine not

1146
00:51:36,640 --> 00:51:38,960
Speaker 1: being a part of that culture? And she says he's

1147
00:51:39,000 --> 00:51:41,320
Speaker 1: he's never grown up in that culture, right, But based

1148
00:51:41,360 --> 00:51:43,360
Speaker 1: on the culture he's grown up and what he views

1149
00:51:43,400 --> 00:51:47,040
Speaker 1: as not appropriate and looking at a FET, she can't

1150
00:51:47,160 --> 00:51:50,919
Speaker 1: understand for a minute why he would be a little apprehensive, saying,

1151
00:51:51,080 --> 00:51:53,160
Speaker 1: I want, I want my wife.

1152
00:51:53,239 --> 00:51:56,160
Speaker 3: Now I think she's like, come with me, So you

1153
00:51:56,200 --> 00:51:58,840
Speaker 3: can see what happens here, but he says it's.

1154
00:51:58,680 --> 00:52:00,000
Speaker 1: Not his thing, but him come in and see it.

1155
00:52:00,360 --> 00:52:03,279
Speaker 1: Think about that snapshot. Is he gonna think it's any more?

1156
00:52:04,000 --> 00:52:05,920
Speaker 2: Or maybe she can have fun with him in that environment.

1157
00:52:06,200 --> 00:52:08,719
Speaker 3: It's just he's kind of writing it off and not

1158
00:52:08,800 --> 00:52:10,480
Speaker 3: really knowing what transpires.

1159
00:52:10,520 --> 00:52:12,239
Speaker 2: He's maybe just going based off of what he's seen.

1160
00:52:12,520 --> 00:52:17,120
Speaker 1: This is what I'm saying, remove yourself from it.

1161
00:52:17,520 --> 00:52:17,640
Speaker 3: You.

1162
00:52:17,800 --> 00:52:19,560
Speaker 1: I'll go to effect with you. You go to the

1163
00:52:19,560 --> 00:52:22,160
Speaker 1: strip club with me. We don't judge either one. I'm

1164
00:52:22,160 --> 00:52:22,800
Speaker 1: not talking about it.

1165
00:52:22,920 --> 00:52:23,680
Speaker 2: Have fun either way.

1166
00:52:23,800 --> 00:52:26,320
Speaker 1: Right, I'm not talking about us. I'm just talking about

1167
00:52:26,360 --> 00:52:29,560
Speaker 1: someone removed from that culture, looking at that culture. And

1168
00:52:29,920 --> 00:52:32,040
Speaker 1: can you see how someone can say I don't want

1169
00:52:32,120 --> 00:52:33,279
Speaker 1: my No.

1170
00:52:33,320 --> 00:52:36,440
Speaker 2: I completely get it. I can get how it's off putting.

1171
00:52:36,440 --> 00:52:38,600
Speaker 3: But I also understand that if this is something your

1172
00:52:38,600 --> 00:52:41,440
Speaker 3: spouse enjoys, and it's like, all right, you may be

1173
00:52:41,560 --> 00:52:43,719
Speaker 3: doing things that I don't necessarily enjoy, but I try to,

1174
00:52:44,400 --> 00:52:46,200
Speaker 3: you know, come and sit with you and watch and

1175
00:52:46,600 --> 00:52:49,040
Speaker 3: just be there because I know you enjoy it. So

1176
00:52:49,719 --> 00:52:52,239
Speaker 3: in the vein of compromising as a couple or as

1177
00:52:52,440 --> 00:52:55,400
Speaker 3: a unit, then I think sometimes you have to just

1178
00:52:55,560 --> 00:52:57,760
Speaker 3: compromise and say, all right, I know I don't necessarily

1179
00:52:57,840 --> 00:52:58,480
Speaker 3: love this environment.

1180
00:52:58,480 --> 00:53:00,880
Speaker 2: It's not necessarily for me. But because you enjoy it,

1181
00:53:00,880 --> 00:53:01,480
Speaker 2: I'll go with you.

1182
00:53:01,560 --> 00:53:03,120
Speaker 1: I hear what you're saying, But all I'm asking is,

1183
00:53:03,120 --> 00:53:05,480
Speaker 1: can you understand how he may be apprehensive? I can

1184
00:53:05,600 --> 00:53:08,920
Speaker 1: say he should go. I'm just saying the same way

1185
00:53:10,080 --> 00:53:14,680
Speaker 1: Caribbean women look at the strip club like I would

1186
00:53:14,719 --> 00:53:16,799
Speaker 1: never go to the strip club. And the only reason

1187
00:53:16,800 --> 00:53:18,840
Speaker 1: why I'm saying that is because I grew up in

1188
00:53:18,880 --> 00:53:22,120
Speaker 1: New York. I grew up around Caribbean women. Caribbean women

1189
00:53:22,400 --> 00:53:24,680
Speaker 1: look at strippers like you a stripper.

1190
00:53:25,560 --> 00:53:27,319
Speaker 3: I think any woman look like look at women like

1191
00:53:27,400 --> 00:53:28,440
Speaker 3: strippers or strippers.

1192
00:53:28,480 --> 00:53:30,200
Speaker 2: That's their that's their job.

1193
00:53:30,280 --> 00:53:33,319
Speaker 1: But imagine imagine going to put on a bikini to

1194
00:53:33,440 --> 00:53:36,120
Speaker 1: dance for money. Then imagine going to put on a

1195
00:53:36,160 --> 00:53:38,720
Speaker 1: bikini to dance with men you don't know for free.

1196
00:53:39,120 --> 00:53:43,440
Speaker 1: What's the difference. This is what I'm explaining. Like you

1197
00:53:43,480 --> 00:53:46,239
Speaker 1: see what I'm saying. I'm just saying, like you don't

1198
00:53:46,239 --> 00:53:48,520
Speaker 1: really see no difference. Take yourself out of it.

1199
00:53:48,680 --> 00:53:50,719
Speaker 2: No, I see it?

1200
00:53:52,080 --> 00:53:59,120
Speaker 3: Okay, Yeah, we're still going on this, all right, No,

1201
00:53:59,160 --> 00:54:00,880
Speaker 3: finish up. Finish your thoughts so that way we can

1202
00:54:00,880 --> 00:54:03,280
Speaker 3: at least wrap. This is a long listener, we probably

1203
00:54:03,280 --> 00:54:03,880
Speaker 3: just do one today.

1204
00:54:04,800 --> 00:54:09,480
Speaker 1: All I'm saying is is, when you're talking about cultures, right,

1205
00:54:10,080 --> 00:54:12,319
Speaker 1: sometimes you can't just be in your culture and say

1206
00:54:12,320 --> 00:54:14,600
Speaker 1: it's not that big of a deal. Sometimes you have

1207
00:54:14,640 --> 00:54:17,000
Speaker 1: to remove yourself from your culture to say, how is

1208
00:54:17,080 --> 00:54:19,880
Speaker 1: someone else viewing my culture? And if they're viewing my

1209
00:54:19,880 --> 00:54:23,520
Speaker 1: culture this way, can I understand why they may be apprehensive?

1210
00:54:23,840 --> 00:54:26,360
Speaker 1: And since they didn't have time to court, you know

1211
00:54:26,400 --> 00:54:28,280
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Since they didn't have time to court,

1212
00:54:28,520 --> 00:54:30,719
Speaker 1: it's hard for them to know that about each other. Yes,

1213
00:54:30,840 --> 00:54:34,040
Speaker 1: my thing is I don't judge strip club the same

1214
00:54:34,080 --> 00:54:36,759
Speaker 1: way I don't judge FETs. It's entertainment. People go for

1215
00:54:36,840 --> 00:54:39,319
Speaker 1: whatever they go for. But if he says that, if

1216
00:54:39,320 --> 00:54:41,560
Speaker 1: she says that he's a very conservative person, he don't

1217
00:54:41,600 --> 00:54:44,560
Speaker 1: do that. I can't see him ever feeling comfortable with

1218
00:54:44,640 --> 00:54:47,360
Speaker 1: his wife going to And I'm not calling women that

1219
00:54:47,400 --> 00:54:51,920
Speaker 1: go to FETs strippers, but I'm saying from his vantage point,

1220
00:54:52,080 --> 00:54:55,359
Speaker 1: if you watching women in bikinis dance on men they

1221
00:54:55,360 --> 00:54:58,640
Speaker 1: don't know, that's not something he may ultimately be comfortable

1222
00:54:59,000 --> 00:55:01,440
Speaker 1: especially if he's not in go often the culture. I

1223
00:55:01,520 --> 00:55:04,880
Speaker 1: know what FETs are, so for me, it's like they partying,

1224
00:55:04,920 --> 00:55:06,680
Speaker 1: they chips in down the road, like that's not a

1225
00:55:06,680 --> 00:55:08,520
Speaker 1: big deal, you know what I'm saying. But I also

1226
00:55:08,600 --> 00:55:11,239
Speaker 1: am the same person that be like strippers don't love you, bro,

1227
00:55:11,760 --> 00:55:14,480
Speaker 1: they get paid to dance. This is entertainment for you,

1228
00:55:14,680 --> 00:55:16,839
Speaker 1: and that's you know what I'm saying. I have more

1229
00:55:16,840 --> 00:55:18,000
Speaker 1: of an open eye to see.

1230
00:55:17,840 --> 00:55:19,600
Speaker 3: What Maybe it's the New York are in us because

1231
00:55:19,600 --> 00:55:22,480
Speaker 3: we've seen it all to be honest, exposed to all

1232
00:55:22,480 --> 00:55:24,600
Speaker 3: of it. So if you think of somebody who may

1233
00:55:24,640 --> 00:55:26,120
Speaker 3: not be from that, well he's from New York too.

1234
00:55:26,120 --> 00:55:26,560
Speaker 2: So I don't know.

1235
00:55:26,640 --> 00:55:30,719
Speaker 1: And people don't agree with FETs because there's a large

1236
00:55:30,719 --> 00:55:33,080
Speaker 1: contingent of seven day adventures that look at FETs like

1237
00:55:33,120 --> 00:55:34,560
Speaker 1: the Devil's playground.

1238
00:55:35,000 --> 00:55:38,680
Speaker 2: Seriously, seriously, yes.

1239
00:55:39,000 --> 00:55:40,960
Speaker 1: And I've dated some other West Indian people when I

1240
00:55:41,000 --> 00:55:44,000
Speaker 1: was younger who moms was just like, you're gonnaffect, You're

1241
00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:46,440
Speaker 1: gonna fet, You're not going to affect, And they tell

1242
00:55:46,480 --> 00:55:48,120
Speaker 1: their daughters you can't go out there, like you're not

1243
00:55:48,120 --> 00:55:50,319
Speaker 1: gonna be dancing up on men for that. You don't know.

1244
00:55:50,520 --> 00:55:53,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, all right, well that's that.

1245
00:55:53,719 --> 00:55:55,279
Speaker 3: If you want to be featured as a listener letter,

1246
00:55:55,360 --> 00:55:57,680
Speaker 3: be sure to email us y'all at dead ass Advice

1247
00:55:57,680 --> 00:55:59,719
Speaker 3: at gmail dot com. That ended up being a very

1248
00:55:59,760 --> 00:56:02,160
Speaker 3: long when died a listen a letters, so we only

1249
00:56:02,200 --> 00:56:04,080
Speaker 3: got to one today for y'all, but be sure to

1250
00:56:04,120 --> 00:56:05,800
Speaker 3: write in and we'll get to y'all in the future.

1251
00:56:06,120 --> 00:56:08,080
Speaker 1: That's de E A D A S S A D

1252
00:56:08,239 --> 00:56:11,160
Speaker 1: V I C at gmail dot com.

1253
00:56:11,600 --> 00:56:14,920
Speaker 3: All right, moment of truth time. We're talking my family

1254
00:56:15,080 --> 00:56:16,280
Speaker 3: versus your family.

1255
00:56:16,320 --> 00:56:16,680
Speaker 2: Today.

1256
00:56:17,360 --> 00:56:19,960
Speaker 3: My moment of truth is my family is better than yours,

1257
00:56:19,960 --> 00:56:23,759
Speaker 3: not just I'm just kidd it. That negates the entire conversation.

1258
00:56:24,640 --> 00:56:26,400
Speaker 3: I think my moment of truth at this point is

1259
00:56:26,400 --> 00:56:29,440
Speaker 3: that the conversation always has to keep going because when

1260
00:56:29,440 --> 00:56:31,880
Speaker 3: you think of family, you're not just including you and

1261
00:56:31,920 --> 00:56:34,560
Speaker 3: your spouse and your immediate family if you have children,

1262
00:56:34,560 --> 00:56:38,760
Speaker 3: but you're also trying to consider the parents, the grandparents,

1263
00:56:38,960 --> 00:56:42,240
Speaker 3: sometimes aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, the extended family.

1264
00:56:42,520 --> 00:56:46,080
Speaker 3: And it's also trying to navigate and manage the emotions

1265
00:56:46,200 --> 00:56:49,840
Speaker 3: of adults, which also in itself is a task a

1266
00:56:49,920 --> 00:56:55,480
Speaker 3: lot so in my from my advantage point, over communicating

1267
00:56:55,560 --> 00:56:59,040
Speaker 3: with all parties involved. That's what I do now, because

1268
00:56:59,080 --> 00:57:01,520
Speaker 3: I feel like at least they can say I knew

1269
00:57:01,680 --> 00:57:03,879
Speaker 3: Kadeen told me I was in the loop, and then

1270
00:57:03,920 --> 00:57:05,640
Speaker 3: I was able to make the decision with how I

1271
00:57:05,680 --> 00:57:06,880
Speaker 3: wanted to be involved there.

1272
00:57:06,760 --> 00:57:10,759
Speaker 1: After, I like it, I would say. My momental truth is,

1273
00:57:10,920 --> 00:57:13,960
Speaker 1: no one is entitled to their way. Your parents aren't,

1274
00:57:14,000 --> 00:57:18,120
Speaker 1: your siblings, aren't you aren't your aunts and uncles aren't.

1275
00:57:18,800 --> 00:57:23,040
Speaker 1: Only thing everyone is entitled to is an option. So

1276
00:57:23,080 --> 00:57:26,560
Speaker 1: give your option and be willing to compromise. That's said.

1277
00:57:26,640 --> 00:57:29,600
Speaker 1: But you are not entitled to your way period period.

1278
00:57:30,200 --> 00:57:32,960
Speaker 2: All right, y'all, be sure to follow us.

1279
00:57:33,000 --> 00:57:35,360
Speaker 3: If you haven't joined on Patreon yet, you can get

1280
00:57:35,440 --> 00:57:39,400
Speaker 3: dead Ass exclusive content there, long form family ellis content.

1281
00:57:39,440 --> 00:57:41,360
Speaker 3: You'll see more of us and the boys on Patreon,

1282
00:57:41,480 --> 00:57:44,080
Speaker 3: so join now, and you can find us on social

1283
00:57:44,120 --> 00:57:47,360
Speaker 3: media dead Ass the podcast. My page is Kadeen I

1284
00:57:47,400 --> 00:57:48,360
Speaker 3: Am and.

1285
00:57:48,280 --> 00:57:50,400
Speaker 1: I Am Devout And if you're listening on Apple podcasts,

1286
00:57:50,400 --> 00:57:53,680
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review, subscribe, and pick up your

1287
00:57:53,680 --> 00:57:56,320
Speaker 1: copy of We Over Me, The counterintuitive approach to getting

1288
00:57:56,360 --> 00:57:58,560
Speaker 1: everything you want out of your relationship.

1289
00:57:58,720 --> 00:57:59,320
Speaker 2: That's a fact.

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Speaker 4: Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and

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Speaker 4: it is produced by Donorpinya and Tribble. Follow the podcast

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Speaker 4: on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and Never

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Speaker 4: miss a Thing