Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garland. Hi, everyone,
Speaker 1: welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is about choices,
Speaker 1: and today I'm about to open up the mic to
Speaker 1: my daughter and we are going to hear about some
Speaker 1: of the choices she found herself making in high school.
Speaker 1: And I'm talking fresh off the campus for the last
Speaker 1: four years kind of choices. If you listen to the
Speaker 1: last episode, you know that my youngest Fiona just graduated
Speaker 1: from high school. And wow, what a ride it has been.
Speaker 1: Watching her walk across that stage was like watching all
Speaker 1: of these just pathways like appear before her. The world
Speaker 1: is her oyster, that's what they say. I don't know
Speaker 1: why they say that, but they do. Her story. Our
Speaker 1: story has been like, it's been messy, it's been powerful,
Speaker 1: and it's been real. And here I sit with one
Speaker 1: of my favorite people in the world, still trying to
Speaker 1: absorb the fact that you're stepping into a new chapter.
Speaker 1: I realize that, but I just I have so many questions. So, Fiona,
Speaker 1: my beautiful, brave baby bird, thank you for agreeing to
Speaker 1: do this.
Speaker 2: Thanks for having me. I'm so excited to talk about it.
Speaker 1: Congrats again. By the way, I can't say it enough.
Speaker 2: You did it, I know I did.
Speaker 1: Gosh, when you think back on the last four years,
Speaker 1: what's one of the most Like, what's the moment that
Speaker 1: really sticks out with you, for better or for worse,
Speaker 1: the first thing that comes to your mind, the first thing.
Speaker 1: I mean, it depends on how comfortable you are just
Speaker 1: being forthright and honest, and it is what.
Speaker 2: It is, honestly. I mean what you said about walking
Speaker 2: across the stage. I really felt like that was such
Speaker 2: a pivotal moment, Like really walking across it felt slow motion,
Speaker 2: It really did. It was so exciting and I was
Speaker 2: so nervous. But I feel like it was a culmination
Speaker 2: of the four years because honestly, even though I've been
Speaker 2: graduated only a couple of weeks, it feels like everything's
Speaker 2: a blur. Like looking back, does.
Speaker 1: It feel like you closed the door, like slammed it
Speaker 1: shut and.
Speaker 2: Ran exactly like the second I got off the stage.
Speaker 1: Yeah, how did you feel seeing our big, blended family
Speaker 1: all there together celebrating you.
Speaker 2: It was really nice to see all you guys. When
Speaker 2: I looked out in the crowd, I saw all of
Speaker 2: you with your pappers. I could hear you guys very loudly.
Speaker 2: It was so nice that all of you guys came together.
Speaker 2: It felt like such a foundation for such a big
Speaker 2: moment for me. And seeing all of you guys just
Speaker 2: being so proud of me, I could really feel it,
Speaker 2: and it made me proud of me, and I was
Speaker 2: just really happy to see everyone come together in that moment.
Speaker 1: Is weird when you see me and your dad together
Speaker 1: and then like Dave and Lily, it's a little of it.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's weird.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a little weird, but like in a good way.
Speaker 2: I feel like it's not any sort of bad, bad
Speaker 2: feeling towards it. It makes me really happy to see
Speaker 2: all of you guys together because I feel like I'm
Speaker 2: lucky enough to have four parents now, and it just
Speaker 2: kind of feels like everyone loves me so much that
Speaker 2: it just comes together and in a big pool of love.
Speaker 2: That's how it feels for me.
Speaker 1: I've been having all my feelings. What if we call
Speaker 1: your dad and find out like how he's feeling since
Speaker 1: you graduated? Can you call him?
Speaker 2: Should we call him?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Call him?
Speaker 1: Wait, he never answers my call, so you do it
Speaker 1: from your phone.
Speaker 2: Okay, let's see if feel inswer mine. Hi, we are
Speaker 2: on podcast right now. I just wanted to Hey, Peter,
Speaker 2: mom's here too, right, I'm in the shower.
Speaker 1: Okay, this is gonna be great. Why first of all,
Speaker 1: why do you have your phone in the shower?
Speaker 3: I was, I reached out, I'm naked, and I'm well, that's.
Speaker 1: A visual for our listeners.
Speaker 3: That welcome to showering with Peter fashion Elle.
Speaker 1: Oh that you know what that could work. I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna lie. Well, Fiona and I are on my podcast
Speaker 1: and we are talking about her high school experience and
Speaker 1: I was kind of sharing like where I am and
Speaker 1: all the emotions that I've kind of ran through and
Speaker 1: where I've kind of settled, and we were just wondering, like,
Speaker 1: for you, where are you with it? Like such a
Speaker 1: big feeling. Yeah, how are you feeling?
Speaker 3: I feel very numb. Honestly, it's been a very numbing experience. Yeah.
Speaker 3: I don't know if it's all hit me yet.
Speaker 2: I am.
Speaker 3: It's a fe you know, you're you're our baby, so
Speaker 3: you're all growing up and it's a whole new chapter.
Speaker 3: And I feel like I don't I don't know how
Speaker 3: to feel. I really feel like I haven't fully experienced
Speaker 3: all the emotions. I feel like I'm curious how you
Speaker 3: you're doing because I want to check on you. I
Speaker 3: feel like, are you feeling like lost? Are you feeling
Speaker 3: like excited? Are you feeling sad? I mean, I think
Speaker 3: it also triggers a lot of emotions. You know, when
Speaker 3: I finish a chapter, you know, you kind of feel
Speaker 3: a little numb to like you do a little in
Speaker 3: a period of not knowing what the next is, you know,
Speaker 3: So it kind of I feel all those things coming
Speaker 3: maybe from you or maybe from the triggering of when
Speaker 3: I finished a chapter on things. So, you know, how
Speaker 3: do you feel?
Speaker 2: I feel great, really happy. Honestly, it feels like I'm
Speaker 2: just so happy that I don't have to go back
Speaker 2: to high school. I feel a little numb too, like
Speaker 2: definitely hasn't set in that I'm not going back, you know,
Speaker 2: like when summer ends. But I I am actually really
Speaker 2: happy and I feel like kind of just at peace.
Speaker 2: Like that's how I'm feeling, right, Yeah.
Speaker 1: That's got to be a good feeling.
Speaker 2: It's really nice, like waking up and not feeling stressed
Speaker 2: to do anything, like just kind of having a moment
Speaker 2: to just kind of regenerate and I bet. And it's
Speaker 2: different from most summers because usually when I when I
Speaker 2: when school ends for that year, you always think about, oh,
Speaker 2: I'm going back and I have like summer reading to do.
Speaker 2: But right now, I just feel like I'm moving on
Speaker 2: to the next thing, and although change it feels scary
Speaker 2: a little bit like I don't really know what to expect.
Speaker 2: I feel like it's going to be good.
Speaker 1: I do.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so you're excited. It's like you're you're feeling free
Speaker 3: and excited.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's how I feel kind of like you.
Speaker 3: Oh I was shower just dripping all over the floor.
Speaker 2: Now I'm getting a visual.
Speaker 1: I think we have to end this conversation.
Speaker 3: Well, thank you for calling and this. I hope this
Speaker 3: makes you feel like you can call me anytime anywhere.
Speaker 3: I will pick up a phone for you, even.
Speaker 1: On a podcast in ways wet and dripping, I love you.
Speaker 2: Hi. That was a shower.
Speaker 4: That's that's like I need to just kind of have
Speaker 4: a moment to scrub my bell. Yeah, okay, Well he's
Speaker 4: feeling numb.
Speaker 1: I can get that. Like it's like did that just happen?
Speaker 1: Did those four years just happen? And now it's all over.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it really honestly, I was thinking about that, like
Speaker 2: everything felt so big in the moment, and then I
Speaker 2: graduated and I was like, why did I care that
Speaker 2: much about everything?
Speaker 1: That is profound? Like a lot of people don't come
Speaker 1: to that realization until much much later in their lives
Speaker 1: and their like development. But for you to be able
Speaker 1: to see that now, just just looking right back from
Speaker 1: graduating from high school, that's huge. And if you can
Speaker 1: carry that on to wherever you go and whatever you do,
Speaker 1: remind yourself because I think we probably I know, your dad,
Speaker 1: I know we talked about like it doesn't really matter.
Speaker 1: You're never going to see these people again. Yeah, there
Speaker 1: are some friends that you're going to stay in touch with,
Speaker 1: but more so, it doesn't matter what anyone, you know, thinks.
Speaker 1: I'm just so grateful for the teachers who really saw you,
Speaker 1: you know, because you know, it's no joke. It really
Speaker 1: does take a village to raise a kid. And I'm
Speaker 1: just I was every time you would come home and
Speaker 1: talk to me about you had a good experience with
Speaker 1: a teacher, or you're learning something and you're excited about
Speaker 1: with the lessons, or just the conversations you have after
Speaker 1: class or before class with your teachers. Every time that
Speaker 1: would happen, I would just be like, like excited, because
Speaker 1: that's what I wanted for you the whole time. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but it wasn't always the case.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there were a few teachers that I really connected
Speaker 2: with that really I really felt like saw me for
Speaker 2: like who I was and didn't have like a label
Speaker 2: on me or whatever it may be. I felt really
Speaker 2: seen by a few, and I really appreciate them looking back.
Speaker 1: Do you feel like some of your teachers helped to
Speaker 1: sort of shape you to the person that you are
Speaker 1: right now?
Speaker 2: Yeah. I think there was a teacher sophomore year who
Speaker 2: I really loved who Miss Alamida, Miss Alameda. I loved her.
Speaker 2: She really helped me, and I went back to her
Speaker 2: classroom many times, especially at lunches where I was feeling
Speaker 2: like emotional or anything like that, I would just talk
Speaker 2: with her and and she just really was such a
Speaker 2: kind person that I really appreciated having, especially it's such
Speaker 2: a hard time.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what about you said that certain teachers were kind
Speaker 1: of able to not label you or see past the
Speaker 1: what presents. Yeah, what do you think was stopping the
Speaker 1: other teachers from being able to do that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think there was a couple of teachers looking
Speaker 2: back that I feel kind of had mislabeled me from
Speaker 2: the jump, and I always tried to participate in class,
Speaker 2: and there was sometimes when I felt kind of just
Speaker 2: overlooked in classes and like they weren't as a whole.
Speaker 2: They were just looking at the group as a whole
Speaker 2: and not individually, which I feel like is a big thing,
Speaker 2: especially in bigger classes where you where it's nice to
Speaker 2: feel like you the teacher knows you and see how
Speaker 2: hard you're trying, or like how much work you actually
Speaker 2: are putting in. But I don't, I mean, it wasn't
Speaker 2: that bad, but I think definitely there were some times
Speaker 2: where that was what I felt.
Speaker 1: What are some things from your teachers and the other
Speaker 1: adults maybe at your school that you'll take with you.
Speaker 1: I think your favorite teachers were Miss Almadia.
Speaker 2: Miss Almeida, Miss Colvin, Miss Shelton Michelle. Mister mister was
Speaker 2: so fun. He was just a ball of energy.
Speaker 1: He made the learning fun.
Speaker 2: Fun And I was taking an AP class with him,
Speaker 2: which is a harder class, and he never made me
Speaker 2: feel even when I didn't understand, which is What I
Speaker 2: really liked about him is he never made me feel
Speaker 2: bad about asking questions and like being curious about the material,
Speaker 2: even if the question sounds dumb. He would always say,
Speaker 2: there's no such thing as a stupid question. So I
Speaker 2: I just felt seen in that class. My other teachers,
Speaker 2: they taught me a lot, especially Miss Covin, about social justice.
Speaker 2: Even it was a religion class, but it really taught
Speaker 2: me about things I didn't even know. I mean, we
Speaker 2: had classes about sexual health and all those types of
Speaker 2: things that I never learned before. And I think that's
Speaker 2: really important that I had that class, especially in a
Speaker 2: school where some of those things are overlooked. That was
Speaker 2: really helpful to learn about, right because it was.
Speaker 1: A Catholic Catholic school, So that's good that they were
Speaker 1: teaching you those things.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and they she didn't look at it through a
Speaker 2: lens of like this is bad or whatever. It's just
Speaker 2: teaching and the facts and especially asking questions in that
Speaker 2: class was really helpful. We had like an anonymous questions thing.
Speaker 1: Wait wait, wait, what was one of your anonymous questions?
Speaker 1: So nobody's going to know. I don't even know.
Speaker 2: I asked a lot of anonymous questions all, but I
Speaker 2: asked a lot about I didn't know about all the STDs.
Speaker 2: There's a lot of them, and there's a lot of
Speaker 2: facts about them. I was like, what And so I
Speaker 2: would ask a lot of questions about that, like just
Speaker 2: in general, like can you get this? Or what what
Speaker 2: are the symptoms of this? You know, just asking questions
Speaker 2: about that I didn't want people to be like, why
Speaker 2: is she asking all these questions?
Speaker 1: I'm asking for a friend.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I just wanted to know.
Speaker 1: So, yeah, it must be that. That's that's a really
Speaker 1: good way to do it. How it be anonymous questions?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: What about the teachers that didn't see you and that
Speaker 1: sort of did you feel like they put you in
Speaker 1: a certain box? Like you said from the jump?
Speaker 2: And then I mean, yeah, there were some classes where
Speaker 2: I don't know, I don't want to name names, but
Speaker 2: I was being like picked on a lot for being
Speaker 2: They would call me stupid or be like.
Speaker 1: Ohoo, who no names, but who called you stupid? A teacher?
Speaker 2: No? No, no, no, no, friends, I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Down.
Speaker 2: There were times when in the classroom I would feel
Speaker 2: like the teachers could hear what was going on, but
Speaker 2: they weren't doing anything, especially the comments of like they
Speaker 2: would really get to meet some of the comments. And
Speaker 2: I would even look at the teachers and they were
Speaker 2: fully listening and they wouldn't do anything, and they would
Speaker 2: just be like, Oh, it's just kids being kids. And
Speaker 2: I think that it is so important for teachers to
Speaker 2: pay attention to what is going on because they just don't.
Speaker 2: Sometimes they just want to teach the material and they
Speaker 2: want to get through the class. But I don't know,
Speaker 2: I just felt not supported by some of the teachers
Speaker 2: sometimes in that sense, because I feel like I couldn't
Speaker 2: go to anyone. And when I met some of my
Speaker 2: favorite teachers senior year is when I realized I could
Speaker 2: go to adults. But freshman year sophomore year, I didn't.
Speaker 2: With the exception of a few, I didn't feel like
Speaker 2: I could go to anyone for help.
Speaker 1: That stinks.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it really was hard.
Speaker 1: What kind of comments are we talking about? Like that
Speaker 1: would the teacher would overhear and then do nothing about
Speaker 1: or say nothing about.
Speaker 2: I mean, mostly jokingly comments. I guess that's what they said.
Speaker 2: They were just jokes. Oh it's just a joke, joke,
Speaker 2: don't be so sensitive, Just like oh, Fiona, like do
Speaker 2: you get this? Or like is this too much for
Speaker 2: you to understand? Or just like I would ask a question,
Speaker 2: they'd be like what kind of question is that? I would
Speaker 2: be like, or if I didn't know the answer, they'd
Speaker 2: be like, of course she doesn't know the answer. Just
Speaker 2: things like that, like little jabs, little like belittling comments,
Speaker 2: oh yeah, which were made by my friends. So it
Speaker 2: was hard for me to differentiate jokes and actual like truth.
Speaker 2: I think that's still something I struggle with when I'm
Speaker 2: around them or when I was around them, is like
Speaker 2: do they actually think I'm stupid? Or are they joking?
Speaker 2: I don't, I didn't, I still don't know.
Speaker 1: Well, don't let that make you feel stupid, because that
Speaker 1: just is one of those things. It doesn't matter, and
Speaker 1: you're never gonna see them anymore.
Speaker 2: No, that's exactly why I'm so happy to be gratifying.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I can feel your joy, and it's
Speaker 1: like it's contagious. You didn't just survive, you really grew
Speaker 1: a lot. And I know that that happens for anybody
Speaker 1: in high school. You've got to survive the rough times
Speaker 1: and you've got to be open and grow. I think
Speaker 1: you know things now that, like I said, some adults
Speaker 1: don't even know they haven't learned, and things I'm still learning.
Speaker 1: What did you learn about yourself during the times when
Speaker 1: things felt most impossible.
Speaker 2: I learned a lot. I feel like they were really
Speaker 2: important gears those four years. I feel like you really
Speaker 2: grow as a person. I think I learned how strong
Speaker 2: I actually am and how much it's important to find
Speaker 2: people that make you feel good and make you feel seen,
Speaker 2: and to stick with those people you know. In high school,
Speaker 2: it's so easy to get wrapped up in the cool
Speaker 2: kids or who you know who you want to like you,
Speaker 2: But it's important to stay with the people who just
Speaker 2: like you for you and be loyal to them, because
Speaker 2: I feel like that's really important to put your eggs
Speaker 2: in the right baskets and find people that make you
Speaker 2: feel good about being yourself. And I think I learned
Speaker 2: that it's okay to be emotional and to go through
Speaker 2: things and feel things deeply. It's not a weakness, it's
Speaker 2: actually a strength that you can have. And don't let
Speaker 2: people bring you down, because who really cares what they
Speaker 2: think in the long run, I mean, it's your life,
Speaker 2: you know.
Speaker 1: So you said earlier. You were told you emotional.
Speaker 2: I've heard that a few times. Same, Yeah, you do,
Speaker 2: I get it from you.
Speaker 1: But what do you think of being a person that's
Speaker 1: charged with full of emotions.
Speaker 2: I think it's a great thing. I think it's something
Speaker 2: to be proud of that you feel things deeply. I mean,
Speaker 2: I would rather feel things ten times the normal feeling
Speaker 2: than to feel less for people, you know, and if
Speaker 2: if something hurts you, it should be okay to feel upset.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 2: It's not over dramatic or over sensitive to be affected
Speaker 2: by things, you know. I feel like that was very
Speaker 2: looked down upon when things would happen, and you just
Speaker 2: don't like roll it off your back, you know. And
Speaker 2: that's another thing, like sometimes if someone says something you should,
Speaker 2: you know, roll it off your back because who cares
Speaker 2: what they think? But it is hard to hear.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so in the moment, in the heated moment, and
Speaker 1: like your other peers are around you, and it can
Speaker 1: be so like isolating.
Speaker 2: Yeah, isolating.
Speaker 1: I remember you quite a number of times calling me
Speaker 1: which you're not supposed to go from school, calling me
Speaker 1: from like the bathroom or the girl's locker room or something. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and just having to have a moment of like coming undone.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I would not go back to that if you
Speaker 2: paid me so much money.
Speaker 1: So I don't want to give you bad I really
Speaker 1: just had.
Speaker 2: No Yeah, there were a lot of times like that.
Speaker 2: I know a lot of girls too who have had that.
Speaker 2: I've met girls and we've talked about it. There's just
Speaker 2: one bathroom at school. We like talked about how that's
Speaker 2: the bathroom you go and you cry and you call.
Speaker 1: Your mom crying bathroom.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, I think the tenants ladies didn't like me
Speaker 2: very much because I was always sick.
Speaker 1: Is that you took a few you took mental health
Speaker 1: days to a whole other level.
Speaker 2: I think they like should like frame my picture or
Speaker 2: something with.
Speaker 1: All the notes we didn't give them to uh correct
Speaker 1: your absences. When you look back on freshman year Fiona,
Speaker 1: with that little freshman year Fiona to the Fiona you
Speaker 1: are right now, what are the biggest differences that you
Speaker 1: see in yourself?
Speaker 2: So many? But I really just want to talk to her,
Speaker 2: like i've I really just want to sit down with
Speaker 2: her because she was so I mean, I love her,
Speaker 2: but she was I like to say, beautifully naive, because
Speaker 2: she just looked for the good and everything she didn't
Speaker 2: was I don't think she was ever exposed to what
Speaker 2: I had to be exposed to, but yeah, she I
Speaker 2: think one of the biggest differences is like my sense
Speaker 2: of self and what I will put up with. And
Speaker 2: I used to do this thing. I don't know if
Speaker 2: this is like a normal thing, but I used to
Speaker 2: like act dumber than I was, just because that was
Speaker 2: what people thought I was. And I just want to
Speaker 2: tell her, like, you're so smart and so strong and
Speaker 2: you don't need to like dumb yourself down.
Speaker 1: I can't lift my arms right now, but oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm cheering. Yes, Fiona, Yes, preach. That's it. Don't dumb
Speaker 1: yourself down for anybody. We have we talked about that,
Speaker 1: like in private. I don't know, maybe probably, yeah, because
Speaker 1: that's a thing. That's a thing that I've done. That's it.
Speaker 1: I don't know why copings like a survival tactic.
Speaker 2: Like I just want to know why, Like why do
Speaker 2: we do that?
Speaker 1: Well, good thing, You're gonna go study psychology.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm just so excited. That's why I'm doing it.
Speaker 1: Why you come back to me with that information? Yeah,
Speaker 1: don't dumb yourself down, don't dim or light, don't not
Speaker 1: speak up and have a voice. That little Fiona, I
Speaker 1: just want to hug her.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she needed a hug.
Speaker 1: We do a lot of talk about like thinking about
Speaker 1: that little girl inside of you, and you know, at
Speaker 1: your age, it seems kind of silly and like, okay, mom,
Speaker 1: yeah I'll do that. But did you find yourself able
Speaker 1: to kind of connect with that girl in those times?
Speaker 2: Yeah? I mean I've been trying to do that more definitely.
Speaker 2: I think it's really important to be gentle with your
Speaker 2: younger self and not be so hard on her, even
Speaker 2: though she made questionable decisions. Sometimes it's important to, you know,
Speaker 2: hold space for her and just accept that. And that
Speaker 2: actually helped you to get to where you are now.
Speaker 2: So be grateful for that version of yourself that is
Speaker 2: no longer there.
Speaker 1: So if someone were to give you a hard time now,
Speaker 1: try to put you in the dumb box.
Speaker 2: Oh, I'm not putting up with it anymore. I think
Speaker 2: there's definitely parts of me that at first they're like okay,
Speaker 2: just like yeah, I am, you know, But then I
Speaker 2: think I'm I'm strong enough now to be like, don't
Speaker 2: talk to me like that that you don't get to
Speaker 2: talk to me like that, you know, And some I
Speaker 2: used to get mad at you. I remember, I'm sorry
Speaker 2: to get mad at you when you would get when
Speaker 2: you would stand up for yourself, like when you were
Speaker 2: when you were, for example, like a road rage, Like
Speaker 2: when you were on the road and somebody would you
Speaker 2: do have a when like somebody would say something mean
Speaker 2: to you and you were like no, like, don't talk
Speaker 2: to me like that, and you would get all riled up.
Speaker 2: I'd be like, Mom, calm down.
Speaker 1: Like always you want to backt like that, mom to
Speaker 1: embarrass me?
Speaker 2: Yeah, but honestly, like that's that is what you have
Speaker 2: to do like that. You don't put up with that crap.
Speaker 2: No you don't. So I'm actually proud of you now,
Speaker 2: and I'd like to be more like that.
Speaker 1: Hey, see what you did there? See what I did there?
Speaker 1: Taught you something he did when it came to that relationship,
Speaker 1: you know, the one I'm talking about. Everybody around us
Speaker 1: knows the one I'm talking about. What do you think
Speaker 1: finally helped you walk away? I know how how hard
Speaker 1: that was for you, and I also know how powerful
Speaker 1: you had to become to make that choice, like, if
Speaker 1: you feel ready, I'd love for you to sort of
Speaker 1: speak to that from your perspective.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, it was really hard to go through,
Speaker 2: especially at that age. I met that guy when I
Speaker 2: was a freshman, the first kind of movie night we had,
Speaker 2: like the first time, Yeah, the first he was the
Speaker 2: first guy saw. I remember it like, I was like
Speaker 2: I like him, Like I was like that something was
Speaker 2: set a on him and I don't know why that happened.
Speaker 2: I feel like now I can look back and think
Speaker 2: like that was a lesson, like that was put into
Speaker 2: that place because I needed to learn this. It took
Speaker 2: a long time, but I needed to learn that. And yeah,
Speaker 2: it was very tumultuous, very like an emotional rollercoaster for
Speaker 2: four years, and it really affected the way people saw me,
Speaker 2: not only how you felt and the way I saw me, yes, yea,
Speaker 2: which is the most important, but it did affect the
Speaker 2: way everyone saw me, which made everyone treat me differently.
Speaker 2: And you know, I wish I didn't have to go
Speaker 2: through it, but I really think I learned a big, big,
Speaker 2: big lesson. I think it really taught me moving forward,
Speaker 2: what I will put up with and what I won't
Speaker 2: put up with, so I'm actually grateful for it. I
Speaker 2: don't think I was the best version of myself, so
Speaker 2: I can take accountability. When you're with someone like that,
Speaker 2: it can bring out the worst in you, and I
Speaker 2: think I definitely saw that. I saw the worst version
Speaker 2: of myself that I could be, and I didn't like her,
Speaker 2: and so that was really hard because I didn't like
Speaker 2: myself at all, and so I think that's what really
Speaker 2: made me leave after a long time of going back
Speaker 2: and back and back, but really the last time I
Speaker 2: left it was because I just couldn't stand who I
Speaker 2: was because it just made me so just the worst
Speaker 2: version of myself. So yeah, I think that's what pushed
Speaker 2: me to leave, and knowing that I deserve better, and also,
Speaker 2: I will say connection from family and friends who saw
Speaker 2: me and loved me, I think really helped me get
Speaker 2: through that because I felt very alone at times. So
Speaker 2: when I was with people who I knew loved me
Speaker 2: for me and I saw that version, I saw that
Speaker 2: little girl who I am come out, I was like,
Speaker 2: I want to be happy, I want to be me.
Speaker 2: So I think I chose me and I finally just
Speaker 2: put that in the past. And I also think leaving
Speaker 2: high school is you know, really closing the chapter. But
Speaker 2: it's definitely hard.
Speaker 1: Definitely hard. What would you say to a freshman who's
Speaker 1: going into high school who maybe spots a guy and
Speaker 1: thinks he's the one.
Speaker 2: Don't put your eggs on one basket. That's what I
Speaker 2: will say, like straight out of the gate. Don't do that. Yeah,
Speaker 2: just make good friends, surround yourself with people who share
Speaker 2: your same passions and interests and see you and be
Speaker 2: you know, cautious and and don't don't accept anything less
Speaker 2: than what you deserve.
Speaker 1: I think, how do you find those those your people? Though?
Speaker 1: How do you find those people that see you in
Speaker 1: a sea of how many? How many people were in
Speaker 1: your class? A lot?
Speaker 2: I don't even know, maybe like four hundred, I think, Yeah,
Speaker 2: I would say I didn't really find I mean, with
Speaker 2: the exception of a few, I didn't really find my
Speaker 2: people in high school. I think that's because I didn't have,
Speaker 2: you know, a major sport that I was in or
Speaker 2: a club I wasn't very well I did, but I quit.
Speaker 1: So you were you were in soccer the first year?
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then I quit. Yeah. So I think even
Speaker 2: if it's not a sport, if you're not into sports,
Speaker 2: a club or you know, sitting with different people and
Speaker 2: exploring different options. And I was really caught up in
Speaker 2: the cool group, like who are the popular kids? You know?
Speaker 2: And that was always on my mind, like I have
Speaker 2: to go sit with them. Even if I met like
Speaker 2: a really cool girl in like my English class, I'd
Speaker 2: be like, you're cool, But I have to go sit
Speaker 2: with the people that don't actually like me because I
Speaker 2: want them to like me.
Speaker 1: You know, that's so ridiculous.
Speaker 2: It is ridiculous, but I feel like it's honestly something
Speaker 2: everyone goes through. But I would say a freshman just
Speaker 2: to find, like someone who's going into high school, just
Speaker 2: you know, explore different groups and find the people that
Speaker 2: make you feel the best and stick with them.
Speaker 1: Mm hmm yeah, like get curious instead of just being
Speaker 1: handed what comes your way, Like step out of that
Speaker 1: and get curious about like what are my other options
Speaker 1: around this place?
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's so many people. And on graduation day, people's
Speaker 2: names were being called and I was like, who is that,
Speaker 2: Like I don't I didn't even know. And I was
Speaker 2: like they could have been really cool, and I never
Speaker 2: got to get to know them because I was too
Speaker 2: stuck in my own world, and I think stepping out
Speaker 2: of that can really be beneficial, especially when you feel isolated.
Speaker 1: Do you think you missed out on some opportunities?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I do. I mean I did joins like cheer
Speaker 2: and things.
Speaker 1: Weren't even the Divorced Kids club I was.
Speaker 2: I don't think I went to a meeting, but I
Speaker 2: signed up for that one.
Speaker 1: I didn't know you weren't. It was frowned upon, so
Speaker 1: you you didn't.
Speaker 2: I also like signed up for a bunch of different clubs,
Speaker 2: but actually never went to the meetings. Just so I
Speaker 2: think really going just experiencing. If you don't like it,
Speaker 2: then don't go back. But I never even went, so
Speaker 2: I think you should go and just have like one
Speaker 2: meeting at lunch with somebody.
Speaker 1: You know. That seems odd behavior from you, just knowing
Speaker 1: you so well and knowing how you love meeting new
Speaker 1: people and you love talking to people and you're so curious.
Speaker 1: It might you know, it pains me to know like
Speaker 1: how trapped inside yourself you were.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what I was saying, Like I didn't even
Speaker 2: recognize myself. I didn't want to know anybody else except
Speaker 2: for the people that were treating me the worst, which
Speaker 2: is what is that? So I think there was some
Speaker 2: sort of prize. We've talked about this where I felt like,
Speaker 2: if I could get them to like me, I won,
Speaker 2: you know. With the guy felt like either he was
Speaker 2: hot commodities, so I was like, if I could get
Speaker 2: him to like me, I'm I'm you know, I'm that
Speaker 2: girl or whatever. But I don't looking back, that.
Speaker 1: Was just so stupid, Like it's sort of this like
Speaker 1: kind of need to win or to conquer or something
Speaker 1: like we've talked about that because I possessed that to
Speaker 1: a very competitive not with outside, just competitive with my
Speaker 1: own self and like I got to do that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that seems like something I can't do. I'm gonna do it.
Speaker 2: I'm going to prove to myself and others I can't
Speaker 2: do that.
Speaker 1: You know, maybe you shouldn't have had to prove yourself
Speaker 1: with that regard.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Oh man, Okay, Well let's talk about the mom hard
Speaker 1: for a second. Were there times when you felt like
Speaker 1: I wasn't fully there for you or were there times
Speaker 1: when I was there for you way too much? I
Speaker 1: mean I'm sure yes to both of those.
Speaker 2: Yes to both of those. I feel like sometimes I
Speaker 2: push you away. A lot of times I push you
Speaker 2: away because I felt I needed to handle it all
Speaker 2: on my own. And then sometimes I really just needed
Speaker 2: a hug. But that was also my fault because I
Speaker 2: didn't tell anybody what was going on. So I think, honestly,
Speaker 2: you did a great job. I think, especially in the
Speaker 2: last two years, I started opening up more to you.
Speaker 2: I don't know if you felt that, but I just
Speaker 2: felt really supported by you the last two years. The
Speaker 2: first two years I just wanted to do it all
Speaker 2: my own, So it really was not your fault.
Speaker 1: What do you think was the shift? I think.
Speaker 2: I think I don't know what it was, but I
Speaker 2: feel like the summer going into junior year, I didn't
Speaker 2: talk to anybody from my school. I had my best
Speaker 2: friend outside of school who really helped me, and yeah,
Speaker 2: I love her, and that really changed how I felt
Speaker 2: about priorities and who I'm going to give my energy to.
Speaker 2: And I felt like I really needed to give my
Speaker 2: energy to my family that I feel like I need
Speaker 2: to lean on you guys in that time and my
Speaker 2: best friend, so I think that would just became more
Speaker 2: important to me. So I think that's when I started
Speaker 2: talking to you, especially after I got out of the relationship.
Speaker 2: I think I was more open to sharing what happened,
Speaker 2: because when you're in a relationship, you don't want to
Speaker 2: talk about the bad things you do because then you're
Speaker 2: not going to like him, you know, right, you.
Speaker 1: Don't want me to not like him. I want to
Speaker 1: change your mind tomorrow, exactly.
Speaker 2: I wanted you to like him, so I just protected
Speaker 2: him at all costs and made him seem like the
Speaker 2: best boyfriend, the best person, when really it was tearing
Speaker 2: me down emotionally inside and just really hard. I just
Speaker 2: wanted to paint the best picture of what was going on.
Speaker 2: So I think after that ended, I was more open
Speaker 2: to sharing, and I feel like we connected more after that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm so glad you started talking to me, because
Speaker 1: a mom can always feel it, see it, know, when
Speaker 1: their kid is struggling. You know, you see it in
Speaker 1: different ways, and you see it and things that aren't
Speaker 1: said as much as the things that are said. And
Speaker 1: I don't know about you, but I mean, I feel
Speaker 1: so grateful that you made it through that, specifically that relationship,
Speaker 1: that you learned all about the person you didn't want
Speaker 1: to be. Yeah, Okay, Well, looking ahead, What is it
Speaker 1: during this time of transition into college that you would
Speaker 1: like to see from me or what would you like
Speaker 1: me to do differently? And I'm just opening this up
Speaker 1: for conversation. Well, you're really excited.
Speaker 2: I mean, I think you do.
Speaker 1: A great job.
Speaker 2: Honestly, I'll give that to you. I think you're very
Speaker 2: easy to talk to, easy to come to with my problems,
Speaker 2: and I don't think you try to control me at all.
Speaker 2: I mean I am technically an adult, just saying, but
Speaker 2: I think going into college, I'll probably want to come
Speaker 2: home a lot, especially since i'll be closed.
Speaker 1: Oh no, that's that's bad because I'm going to use
Speaker 1: your room as a gym.
Speaker 2: No, you're not to keep it exactly as it is. No, Yeah,
Speaker 2: I feel like just being a supportive person like you are.
Speaker 2: I don't think there's anything you need to change honestly
Speaker 2: as of right now.
Speaker 1: No, no curfew alternation.
Speaker 2: You could yeah, maybe like one am.
Speaker 1: What do you think a reasonable curfew is for somebody
Speaker 1: in high school and then somebody that's just graduated fromigh.
Speaker 2: School, well senior in high school. I mean a lot
Speaker 2: of my friends don't even have curfews.
Speaker 1: What's up with that.
Speaker 2: I just don't think it's like a thing anymore. I
Speaker 2: really have never heard the word curfew in a couple
Speaker 2: of months. I don't think people are like, oh, my curfew,
Speaker 2: I have to be home. I think they just like
Speaker 2: you say that kind of kind of yeah. But honestly,
Speaker 2: I think people just know when to be home. I
Speaker 2: mean the people I hang out with her, like, I
Speaker 2: want to be home at this time. I want to
Speaker 2: be home, like in my bed, you know. But I
Speaker 2: feel like a reasonable curfew for like I don't know,
Speaker 2: like twelve twelve one.
Speaker 1: Oh, I love you so much, twelve, let's twelve thirty
Speaker 1: about it?
Speaker 2: Yeah, but now I'm feeling like one thirty.
Speaker 1: Okay, well you can come back. Let's circle back on that.
Speaker 1: Let's put a pin in that. Okay, But seriously, no,
Speaker 1: what did I always tell you?
Speaker 2: Nothing good happens after I don't even know what time you.
Speaker 1: Said, but you are listening one midnight.
Speaker 2: Oh I thought you said one.
Speaker 1: No, nothing good ever happens in LA after midnight.
Speaker 2: That's so true, though, It true, it really is. But
Speaker 2: like I just keep going out past twelve and then
Speaker 2: like being like, oh wait, mom says she was right.
Speaker 1: This is I'm not having fun all of a sudden. Huh. Okay,
Speaker 1: so you've graduated from high school. You are in the
Speaker 1: in between space between high school and going off to
Speaker 1: college in the fall. What do you feel as a
Speaker 1: family member your role is during this time? Because I
Speaker 1: know if I were to put myself in your shoes,
Speaker 1: I would be like, Whooo, I've got to party it
Speaker 1: up with all my friends that I probably am not
Speaker 1: going to see again for a very long time. They're
Speaker 1: going off to different colleges, and I just want to
Speaker 1: hang out my friends and go to the beach and
Speaker 1: have fun.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's basically how I'm feeling.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, what does choosing yourself mean to you? Now?
Speaker 1: After everything you've walked through, I've watched you claim your power,
Speaker 1: and I want to know what it feels like from
Speaker 1: your perspective. What does choosing yourself truly mean to you now?
Speaker 2: I think it just means thinking about what you need
Speaker 2: in that moment. And I know that sounds selfish, but
Speaker 2: it isn't, because you putting yourself first in a conscious
Speaker 2: way about what is going to make me feel better
Speaker 2: and what is going to make me feel more aligned
Speaker 2: with who I am more so I think, yeah, just
Speaker 2: doing things that make you feel happy and not trying
Speaker 2: to please everybody else, and taking moments to really think.
Speaker 1: About what you need in that moment.
Speaker 2: Check in with your Yeah, just check in and you know,
Speaker 2: think about what you need in that moment.
Speaker 1: What are you most excited about as you go off
Speaker 1: to college.
Speaker 2: I'm so excited to meet a brand new bunch of
Speaker 2: new people and to have new experiences, to learn new things.
Speaker 2: I think having some sort of like independence. Also like
Speaker 2: living in my own dorm and decorating it and making
Speaker 2: sure that I get to the you know, the gym
Speaker 2: in my classes on time. I'm just excited to have
Speaker 2: like a sense of independence, I think. And yeah, I
Speaker 2: would say the most exciting thing to me is like
Speaker 2: meeting new people and picking the right people that that
Speaker 2: I feel the best around.
Speaker 1: M hmm. How are you gonna know?
Speaker 2: I don't know yet, but I feel like i'll know.
Speaker 2: I feel like I've met good friends and I have
Speaker 2: good friends right now. I'll be like I feel good
Speaker 2: around this person, and just like it's a feeling You're like, oh,
Speaker 2: I like being around this person, like they're a cool person,
Speaker 2: and not in the way that you want to, you know,
Speaker 2: impress them or like suck up to them, but just
Speaker 2: like I like being around you and it feels.
Speaker 1: Natural and fun and easy. Yeah.
Speaker 2: So I want to find people that I just can
Speaker 2: talk to and listen to, you know, and have fun with.
Speaker 1: I mean speaking of talking too and listening to people.
Speaker 1: Should we tell? Do you want to tell the audience?
Speaker 1: Like we can give a little little sneaky peaky we
Speaker 1: could do that into what's about to happen? You do it?
Speaker 1: You do it well.
Speaker 2: I'm going to be starting my own podcast with my heart. Yeah.
Speaker 1: That's that's a big applause. That's this is huge.
Speaker 2: I'm so excited.
Speaker 1: We don't know what it's going to be called yet, Nope. Okay,
Speaker 1: when it's going to be out, Nope.
Speaker 2: I just know I'm excited to talk about what I've
Speaker 2: been through and kind of help others to feel seen,
Speaker 2: other people my age to feel seen. I feel like
Speaker 2: I've felt isolated and I feel like when I was
Speaker 2: in those times, I was like, no one is going
Speaker 2: through what I'm going through, And I just want to
Speaker 2: offer a space where you can feel, you know, like
Speaker 2: people understand, like I understand what you're going through. You know,
Speaker 2: so that's going to be really good for a lot
Speaker 2: of excited I hope, I hope people really take what
Speaker 2: they need out of it and really enjoy it.
Speaker 1: Okay, well, miss Fiona Patinally before I let you go,
Speaker 1: what was your last I Choose me moment?
Speaker 2: Hmm okay, well my last actually, my last I choose
Speaker 2: me moment was this morning? Okay, yeah, this morning and
Speaker 2: I woke up around like nine and I read I
Speaker 2: think like three chapters, which is a lot, three chapters
Speaker 2: of my book that I'm really loving right now.
Speaker 1: What's the book.
Speaker 2: It's called How to Love Better. I think it's Young
Speaker 2: POI blowers, Yes, yes, it's great, so good. I love
Speaker 2: this chapter that I just read. The last one I
Speaker 2: just read this morning, called Leaving Things in the Past.
Speaker 2: I was like, this is perfect, and I think that
Speaker 2: really helped me set the tone for my day instead
Speaker 2: of just getting on my phone like I usually do.
Speaker 2: I just felt like I really reflected on what I read,
Speaker 2: So I think I really chose myself in that moment.
Speaker 1: What was your takeaway from that chapter?
Speaker 2: I oh, okay, I wanted to talk about this. It
Speaker 2: said in like the last part of the chapter, this
Speaker 2: quote about how life is like a moving river, and
Speaker 2: how things are supposed to flow through you and you're
Speaker 2: not supposed to cling on or have attachment to things
Speaker 2: because that can lead to suffering. And I think just
Speaker 2: thinking of life like a river, like this is a
Speaker 2: great moment, but it's going to pass, and being in
Speaker 2: the present moment because that moment is only one moment,
Speaker 2: you know. So I think really enjoying every day to
Speaker 2: the fullest potential you can. You are a genius. I
Speaker 2: love you, I love you.
Speaker 1: Thank you for coming on the podcast. And this is
Speaker 1: how I feel about you.