1 00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:05,160 Speaker 1: I am Yamla, your host for this journey. I was 2 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:09,560 Speaker 1: a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my 3 00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:14,159 Speaker 1: love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and 4 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:19,000 Speaker 1: deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is 5 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:22,480 Speaker 1: and what it is not. I want to share some 6 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:27,639 Speaker 1: of what I've learned about love a holism. Welcome to 7 00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:31,840 Speaker 1: the r Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership 8 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:47,880 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio Grand Rising. I am I'm La van Zant, 9 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:53,040 Speaker 1: your support, your guide, your teacher, your soft place to 10 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:58,720 Speaker 1: fall as we explore and examine the details and intricacies, 11 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:06,520 Speaker 1: sometimes challenge and upsets about relationships, all kinds of relationships. Now, 12 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:11,360 Speaker 1: I've got a really interesting show today because I was 13 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:15,759 Speaker 1: going through some social media things, something that I rarely do, 14 00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:20,280 Speaker 1: and I saw this post where a woman who had 15 00:01:20,319 --> 00:01:24,280 Speaker 1: been in relationship with her partner for six years took 16 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:29,000 Speaker 1: him to a restaurant while he was eating, she got up, 17 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:32,399 Speaker 1: got down on one knee, presented him with a ring 18 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:38,440 Speaker 1: and asked him to marry her. Well, he was shocked. 19 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:42,959 Speaker 1: The people in the restaurant were totally amused, and it 20 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:47,800 Speaker 1: brought up something for me. Why can't she ask him 21 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:52,520 Speaker 1: to marry her. Why do we as women think we 22 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,640 Speaker 1: have to sit around and wait? Now, I'm just asking 23 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,680 Speaker 1: the question. When I put it out in the public, 24 00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:02,440 Speaker 1: people were his it'sterical, and I want to say reading 25 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:06,280 Speaker 1: is fundamental. I didn't say we should I didn't say 26 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:10,720 Speaker 1: we shouldn't. I simply asked the question, why can't she 27 00:02:11,639 --> 00:02:15,840 Speaker 1: ask him to marry her if that's what she wants 28 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:18,880 Speaker 1: to do? You see, because I get all the weeping, 29 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:23,360 Speaker 1: wounded women who have spent five, six, seven, ten, twelve 30 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:27,720 Speaker 1: years in a relationship, maybe have two or three children, 31 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:32,160 Speaker 1: and after all of that time, he walks away, and 32 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:36,560 Speaker 1: he has perfect license to do that because they're not married. 33 00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:41,720 Speaker 1: So when they come to me weeping, whining, crying and 34 00:02:41,919 --> 00:02:47,000 Speaker 1: hurt and upset, sometimes remorse and rage about the fact 35 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:49,720 Speaker 1: that I gave him all of my time, all of 36 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:53,080 Speaker 1: my years, gave him his children, and he walked away. 37 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:58,120 Speaker 1: And when I say, why weren't you too married? And 38 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:05,639 Speaker 1: she says, he never asked me. Hmm. Interesting. So today 39 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:09,120 Speaker 1: women want to be the boss. We want to be 40 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:12,600 Speaker 1: the one in charge. We want to own things and 41 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:15,720 Speaker 1: do things and live in a certain way. Yet we 42 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:21,919 Speaker 1: seem to be stuck in this traditional patriarchal idea that 43 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:25,640 Speaker 1: in order for the marriage to occur, in order for 44 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:29,160 Speaker 1: the connection to the occur, it has to come from him. 45 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:33,280 Speaker 1: So I just want to know why can't she ask 46 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:36,720 Speaker 1: him to marry her if that's what she wants. Now, 47 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:40,760 Speaker 1: I'm not talking about on date three. I'm talking about 48 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:44,120 Speaker 1: when you put some time and energy into each other, 49 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:48,320 Speaker 1: when the relationship is moving ahead and you're just not 50 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:52,080 Speaker 1: sure where it's going, and you want something a little 51 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:56,160 Speaker 1: more solid, a little more firm, You want a bigger commitment. 52 00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:59,040 Speaker 1: You do want children and the house and the dog 53 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:02,040 Speaker 1: and the fish and all of that stuff. Why can't 54 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:07,200 Speaker 1: she ask him to marry her? Because sometimes the guys 55 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:09,280 Speaker 1: are a little slow on the uptake, if you know 56 00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:12,760 Speaker 1: what I mean. So that is the question that we 57 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:15,840 Speaker 1: have on the floor today here at the R Spot. 58 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:19,120 Speaker 1: And again I don't have a position one way or 59 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,800 Speaker 1: the other. I am too old to have babies, and 60 00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:24,360 Speaker 1: I'm real clear I don't want to get married, at 61 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:27,039 Speaker 1: least not in the traditional way. But I want to 62 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:31,279 Speaker 1: hear what people have to say about it. Can she 63 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:37,320 Speaker 1: ask him to marry her? If so, why and if not, 64 00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:40,760 Speaker 1: why not? We're going to dig into that today, here's 65 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:46,920 Speaker 1: my first caller. Greetings beloved, and welcome to the R 66 00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:50,520 Speaker 1: spot boy. We got a hot soup simmering up today. 67 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:54,919 Speaker 1: The question on the floor is should she ask him 68 00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:59,479 Speaker 1: to marry her if that's what she wants, and if not, 69 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:03,279 Speaker 1: how long should she wait for him to ask her? 70 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:04,320 Speaker 1: What do you think? 71 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:11,440 Speaker 2: I think that women should ask, and I also think 72 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:14,279 Speaker 2: that we should not have to wait. Usually when men 73 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:17,440 Speaker 2: don't propose by that second year, they trying to get 74 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:19,760 Speaker 2: wait for something better to come along. That's why I 75 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:20,280 Speaker 2: look at it. 76 00:05:20,839 --> 00:05:25,680 Speaker 1: Wow, So you think too, by year two, if he 77 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:27,920 Speaker 1: hasn't asked, she should ask. 78 00:05:28,279 --> 00:05:30,719 Speaker 2: Yep, just be like whether you got kids? 79 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,960 Speaker 1: Yeah, but see, okay, I'm glad you said that, because 80 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:38,599 Speaker 1: sometimes the child comes along in year one and he's 81 00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:42,880 Speaker 1: not moving in that direction. So do you think sometimes 82 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:49,440 Speaker 1: we move a little too fast in securing the intricacies 83 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:53,320 Speaker 1: of a marriage without the actual marriage going on. Because kids, 84 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:56,479 Speaker 1: to me, need to come into a committed relationship. That's 85 00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:59,240 Speaker 1: you know, whether you're married or not, you need to 86 00:05:59,279 --> 00:06:00,200 Speaker 1: know he's committed it. 87 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:05,080 Speaker 2: I agree with you, but I have a lot of 88 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:10,159 Speaker 2: girlfriends and I myself, I would come in law married 89 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:11,359 Speaker 2: to my kid's father. 90 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:16,279 Speaker 1: You said something very important, you said common law marriage. 91 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:21,360 Speaker 1: And in most states, if you can prove your coupled nests, 92 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:26,000 Speaker 1: you're being together. If you share property or things have happened, 93 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:30,560 Speaker 1: you share finances for seven years, then you do are 94 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:34,080 Speaker 1: considered under law to be married, although you may not 95 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:37,679 Speaker 1: get all of the benefits of you know what happens 96 00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:40,080 Speaker 1: when you have a license. Do we need a license? 97 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:44,200 Speaker 1: Why do we need the court to say you're coupled, 98 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,360 Speaker 1: you're married? Why do we need the court to say that? 99 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:50,920 Speaker 2: Because some women want to have that title, and. 100 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:54,240 Speaker 1: If they've been in this thing for two years, they 101 00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:59,840 Speaker 1: should ask. Oh yeah, definitely, Okay, okay, all right, I'm 102 00:06:59,839 --> 00:07:02,560 Speaker 1: a put that on the board right now. We are 103 00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:06,719 Speaker 1: two to one. Two she should ask, one she shouldn't ask, 104 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:11,280 Speaker 1: and one there should be a discussion, a mutual discussion. 105 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:17,960 Speaker 1: So you're going on the she should ask side all righty, bye, bye, 106 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,920 Speaker 1: all right, thank you, greetings, be loving, and welcome to 107 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:22,680 Speaker 1: the r spot. 108 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:23,880 Speaker 3: What do you think? 109 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:27,480 Speaker 2: Honestly, what I think is that it doesn't matter who 110 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:32,720 Speaker 2: asks who. The lady can ask if if they've reached 111 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,840 Speaker 2: a point to where they think they want to be married. 112 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,760 Speaker 2: I don't think it matters who asks who. I think 113 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:42,000 Speaker 2: the problem is when we don't really know and we 114 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:44,840 Speaker 2: want to push the issue. So I think it's fine, 115 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:48,000 Speaker 2: But for me, I would not I'm not going to ask, 116 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:51,120 Speaker 2: but I would bring it off a whole lot of discussion. 117 00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:57,960 Speaker 1: And how long how long do you think you should 118 00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:00,840 Speaker 1: wait before you push it or bring it up discussion? 119 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:06,200 Speaker 2: Okay, So I've been through this recently, and for me, 120 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:10,160 Speaker 2: I have to say it. Yes, yes, For me, I 121 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:12,480 Speaker 2: used to say a year. I think a year is 122 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:14,960 Speaker 2: long enough for a man or woman to know if 123 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,960 Speaker 2: they want to be with each other, if they want 124 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,320 Speaker 2: to build with each other, or if you can't stand 125 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:21,840 Speaker 2: each other. A year is long enough to me. But 126 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:25,280 Speaker 2: in talking to men, men are telling me it's not 127 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:28,800 Speaker 2: long enough and that women shouldn't push it. So for me, 128 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,640 Speaker 2: I've dived back a little. I'm not gonna wait in 129 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,640 Speaker 2: eight ten years lifetime. I ain't doing none of that. 130 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:36,839 Speaker 2: I know people who haven't. 131 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:38,800 Speaker 4: I ain't doing right. 132 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:42,719 Speaker 2: I think between one in three years is plenty. One 133 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:45,240 Speaker 2: in three years is plenty. The relationship I was in 134 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:50,040 Speaker 2: with four years and we end up not married, not together, 135 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:51,640 Speaker 2: not even talking to each. 136 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:56,079 Speaker 1: Other, whoa, why? Why? What happened? Did you see any signs? 137 00:08:56,800 --> 00:09:00,240 Speaker 2: Oh? Of course I did, of course I did. But 138 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:04,920 Speaker 2: I saw, let you know, I could fix him. 139 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:14,479 Speaker 1: Okay, you had the fallacy of the fixing. Huh fallacy exactly? 140 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:19,439 Speaker 2: I saw we could get through it anyway. But I 141 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:22,040 Speaker 2: had all the signs there, and I just chose to 142 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,040 Speaker 2: stay there and deal with it anyway. That's what happened. 143 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:28,760 Speaker 1: When you saw the signs? Did you still want to 144 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:31,120 Speaker 1: get married? Were you still willing to get married? 145 00:09:31,559 --> 00:09:34,440 Speaker 2: I did not want to get married. Like the first 146 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:36,520 Speaker 2: time I saw it. I was like, you know when 147 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:39,160 Speaker 2: on the tame page, I don't see us being together. 148 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:42,719 Speaker 2: But we went through that, just back and forth, just 149 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:45,760 Speaker 2: bringing up on and all together, not together together, not together. 150 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:49,600 Speaker 2: Four years of that, four years of that until I 151 00:09:49,679 --> 00:09:54,640 Speaker 2: really realized, I can't make anybody do anything. The only 152 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,760 Speaker 2: person behavior I can change his bond. 153 00:09:57,040 --> 00:10:05,080 Speaker 1: Okay. So this is so interesting because you saw it 154 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:11,840 Speaker 1: and were still willing to go through with it. What 155 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:14,720 Speaker 1: was under that? Why were you still willing to go 156 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:17,800 Speaker 1: through with it even after you saw the sign Because 157 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,240 Speaker 1: you said the first time, no. 158 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:21,920 Speaker 2: I did not want to be alone. I did not 159 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:24,280 Speaker 2: want to be by myself. That's pretty much what it 160 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:27,239 Speaker 2: goil down to. Okay, I ain't want to be alone. 161 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,760 Speaker 2: You know, if I'm in here a year or two years, 162 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:34,360 Speaker 2: I'm figuring, you know, pick it out a little bit longer. 163 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,400 Speaker 2: Don't just throw out for two years you been spent 164 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:40,800 Speaker 2: in this relationship and just walk away. Pick it out 165 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:41,640 Speaker 2: a little bit longer. 166 00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:50,040 Speaker 1: Dividends on your investment. Yeah, I have invested. I want 167 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:53,920 Speaker 1: the interest payments to come in. And you know, I 168 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:57,880 Speaker 1: get that, I really get that. Yeah. Yeah, And you 169 00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:00,000 Speaker 1: said your behavior wasn't good all the time. 170 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,960 Speaker 2: No, it wasn't because with everything we were dealing with 171 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:08,160 Speaker 2: the mistrust, the fact that you know, he had recently 172 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,960 Speaker 2: gotten divorced. We didn't date while he was married, but 173 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:14,000 Speaker 2: he has just recently gotten divorced. So there's a lot 174 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:17,840 Speaker 2: that goes on with that emotionally and financially. So we 175 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,840 Speaker 2: both dealing with that, and then I'm not trusting him, 176 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:24,280 Speaker 2: and so I'm allowing his behavior to change my behavior 177 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:27,600 Speaker 2: as well. Trouble. And that's the cycle we were on 178 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:32,000 Speaker 2: these years, just trouble and knocking each other down when 179 00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:35,200 Speaker 2: we got mad, instead of you know, like that that 180 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:39,320 Speaker 2: honeymoon phase thing. You abuse each other verbally, then you 181 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,880 Speaker 2: make up. You abuse each other verbally, then you make up. 182 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:43,520 Speaker 2: We were in a bad cycle like that. 183 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:48,439 Speaker 1: Wow, you know, thank you for your honesty. That is 184 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:53,960 Speaker 1: so refreshing because sometimes I find that as women, it's 185 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:58,000 Speaker 1: hard for us to acknowledge the places we run amok 186 00:11:58,679 --> 00:12:00,520 Speaker 1: So I thank you for that. I got one more 187 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:03,640 Speaker 1: question I want to ask you, just because I'm being nosy. Okay, 188 00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:06,160 Speaker 1: who left? Did you leave? Or did he leave? 189 00:12:08,559 --> 00:12:12,320 Speaker 2: Actually, toward the end it was him. We split, and 190 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:15,160 Speaker 2: then I was saying, you know, let's try again. We 191 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,760 Speaker 2: hadn't been through this before, and he decided he wasn't gonna. 192 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:19,120 Speaker 3: Do it anymore. 193 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,640 Speaker 1: Okay, And how did that make you feel? 194 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:24,679 Speaker 2: What it makes me feel like? Well, goodness, gracious, I've 195 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:27,520 Speaker 2: been leaving you all this time and I came back. 196 00:12:27,559 --> 00:12:28,680 Speaker 2: Why can't you come back? 197 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:33,480 Speaker 1: Even though you saw the signs, even though your first 198 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:36,079 Speaker 1: thought was the first time you saw the sign your 199 00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:38,240 Speaker 1: thought was we are not going to be together, you 200 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:42,280 Speaker 1: were still willing to go through with it. Wow. That's 201 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:45,439 Speaker 1: a lesson. That's a lesson. Don't do that again. 202 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:51,880 Speaker 2: I'm too old I have done at that time. I'm 203 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:55,080 Speaker 2: fifty years old right now, I was about like forty six. 204 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:58,839 Speaker 2: I'm like I struggled with why I went through that 205 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:00,000 Speaker 2: when I knew better. 206 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:02,920 Speaker 1: Can you want a little tea on that? Can I 207 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,080 Speaker 1: spill a little tea on that? 208 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:04,760 Speaker 2: Please? 209 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:09,880 Speaker 1: This is here's the t a. Here's the t that 210 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:12,079 Speaker 1: you don't think you can have what you're worth, what 211 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:15,680 Speaker 1: you want, and here's the sugar for the tea. That 212 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:18,000 Speaker 1: you have to settle for what shows up. 213 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:19,800 Speaker 2: Amen. 214 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:22,440 Speaker 1: If you can't have what you want, you have to 215 00:13:22,559 --> 00:13:26,920 Speaker 1: settle for what shows up. Because I'm I'm leaning into 216 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,360 Speaker 1: that first thought, we are not going to be together. 217 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:33,760 Speaker 1: I'm leaning into that. So I want you to when 218 00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:36,120 Speaker 1: you when you go out there again because obviously you 219 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:42,240 Speaker 1: in the pool splashing around. When you go out there again, 220 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:46,199 Speaker 1: remember that follow your first thought. 221 00:13:46,679 --> 00:13:51,559 Speaker 2: Okay, thank you, thank you so much, thank you, well. 222 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:54,760 Speaker 1: Good luck to you, good luck to you. I love 223 00:13:54,800 --> 00:14:00,000 Speaker 1: your back. Wow. So the tally board is coming up here. 224 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:04,600 Speaker 1: But here's something to consider. Women look for the right 225 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:09,040 Speaker 1: person when deciding whether or not they want to marry, 226 00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:12,880 Speaker 1: and they will also take the person that they have 227 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:16,839 Speaker 1: and try to turn them into the right person. Because 228 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:22,400 Speaker 1: we've got some fixation on fixing we like to fix stuff, 229 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:28,920 Speaker 1: you know. But men look for the right time, the 230 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:32,760 Speaker 1: right time. So for men, the right time is when 231 00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:37,000 Speaker 1: he has his finances together, when he's feeling good about himself, 232 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:40,560 Speaker 1: when he's you know, on his game. He wants to 233 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:44,280 Speaker 1: bring somebody in, when he can meet her requirements and 234 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:48,800 Speaker 1: demands and whatever else. So women look for the right person, 235 00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:52,360 Speaker 1: and when she thinks she has the right person, then 236 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,520 Speaker 1: she's ready to be married or pop the question, or 237 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:59,320 Speaker 1: wondering why he isn't popping the question. But he's looking 238 00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:04,200 Speaker 1: for the right time, and sometimes we don't consider that. 239 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:10,640 Speaker 1: So that's something to put into the soup today. Right person, 240 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:14,680 Speaker 1: right time? Which one is more important? And which one 241 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:17,840 Speaker 1: are you looking for? All right, let's see what else 242 00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:21,640 Speaker 1: what other ingredients we can find to put in this 243 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:31,600 Speaker 1: soup today. We'll do it right after this break. Welcome 244 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,120 Speaker 1: back to the R spot. I'm a yamla, and today 245 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:38,160 Speaker 1: we're talking about should she ask him to marry her? 246 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:40,800 Speaker 1: If so? Why if not? Why not? 247 00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:45,640 Speaker 2: I personally think, you know, it should be something that 248 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:47,120 Speaker 2: is discussed mutually. 249 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,920 Speaker 5: I don't really believe on that getting down on the 250 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:51,360 Speaker 5: knee kind of thing. 251 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:53,200 Speaker 2: And my. 252 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:59,640 Speaker 5: Significant other and I actually had been uncoupled for about 253 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:04,040 Speaker 5: eight months because you know, we're both tired of the 254 00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:08,880 Speaker 5: long distance thing. And I just didn't realize that. You know, 255 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:12,200 Speaker 5: That's what I really wanted to hear, was you know, 256 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:12,880 Speaker 5: I want to. 257 00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:13,880 Speaker 2: Start a new life with you. 258 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:21,640 Speaker 5: I'm sixty eight years old. 259 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:25,240 Speaker 1: Having no babies. Yeah, but you wanted him to ask you? 260 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,080 Speaker 1: Is that what I'm hearing you say? 261 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:30,600 Speaker 2: Well, I guess I wanted to hear him say that, 262 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:33,800 Speaker 2: and I didn't even realize it, to be honest with. 263 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:36,040 Speaker 1: You, Ah, oh good. 264 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,880 Speaker 2: I didn't get a yes about making a life together. 265 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:43,760 Speaker 2: But I think it was because now I realized. 266 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:46,920 Speaker 5: It was because after eight months, you know, not being 267 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:52,080 Speaker 5: a couple, still communicating that, you know that I needed 268 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:56,320 Speaker 5: to hear from him that he was ready. He's a widower, 269 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:59,400 Speaker 5: you know, she's been gone eight years. But you know, 270 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:02,640 Speaker 5: I'm not going to move into his house and you know, 271 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,920 Speaker 5: take her place. He's got to be willing to start 272 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:06,760 Speaker 5: a new life. 273 00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:09,200 Speaker 1: Oh and was he? Was he willing? 274 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:14,879 Speaker 2: Well? I don't know. I just kind of wait all 275 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:19,840 Speaker 2: this audio about a couple of weeks, about a week ago. Actually, 276 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:23,480 Speaker 2: we've been talking about it each time we see each other. 277 00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:27,960 Speaker 2: And he said, yeah, I realized that I can't. Uh, well, 278 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:31,639 Speaker 2: we use the We Love the Joboltie Taylor book about 279 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:34,800 Speaker 2: the four characters. Don't know if you're familiar with that. Yes, yes, 280 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:38,560 Speaker 2: I have fel you know character too, like, oh my god, 281 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:41,640 Speaker 2: what if you know, I sell my house and everything 282 00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:45,359 Speaker 2: and then this doesn't work out? You know? And I said, well, 283 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:47,320 Speaker 2: I mean if we're going to make a commitment, and 284 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,800 Speaker 2: that's what we're committing to, right, we're going to make 285 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:51,680 Speaker 2: this work out. Wow. 286 00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:55,880 Speaker 1: So are you waiting for him to say that? You're 287 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:57,760 Speaker 1: waiting for him to say, I want to build a 288 00:17:57,760 --> 00:17:58,240 Speaker 1: life with you. 289 00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:02,040 Speaker 2: I'm waiting. Yeah, well I'm you know, we're in discussion 290 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,640 Speaker 2: about you know, are you ready to make a new life. 291 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:05,639 Speaker 2: That's what he has. 292 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:11,440 Speaker 1: Decided now and you said that to him. Okay, good 293 00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:15,600 Speaker 1: for you. So there it is right there. So if 294 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:19,199 Speaker 1: I'm hearing you correctly, your position is it needs to 295 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:22,760 Speaker 1: be a discussion among the two parties. And it doesn't 296 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:25,159 Speaker 1: matter who brings it up. She can bring it up 297 00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:26,879 Speaker 1: or he can bring it up, but it needs to 298 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:30,399 Speaker 1: be a discussion. Yeah. Good, well, thank you for that. 299 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:33,360 Speaker 1: Thank you for that. We'll put that on the board. Well, 300 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:36,040 Speaker 1: good luck to you give him, give him another week 301 00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:40,399 Speaker 1: before you press in for an answer. All right, thank you, 302 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:46,600 Speaker 1: my love, bye bye, greetings, We love it. Welcome to 303 00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:49,960 Speaker 1: the R spot. We are cooking up a hot soup today. 304 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:53,520 Speaker 1: The question on the floor is should she ask him 305 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:57,080 Speaker 1: to marry her? If so, why If not? Why not? 306 00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:02,240 Speaker 2: My name? And absolutely do not feel that a woman 307 00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:06,320 Speaker 2: should propose to a man. And the rationale say that 308 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:11,840 Speaker 2: is because men are designed to be the hunters and 309 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:15,119 Speaker 2: they are designed to be the persona of the relationship. 310 00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:18,719 Speaker 2: And I think that a lot of women masculate men, 311 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:23,639 Speaker 2: and they robbing of their manhood when they take away 312 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:27,919 Speaker 2: their maculinity in terms of pursuing a life partner. 313 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:32,280 Speaker 6: And I've also heard a lot of men say that 314 00:19:32,359 --> 00:19:36,080 Speaker 6: it does make them feel diminished because men have a 315 00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:40,879 Speaker 6: criteria of what they desire in a potential life and 316 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:43,440 Speaker 6: sometimes the women that they are with they just don't 317 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:47,560 Speaker 6: cross off everything on their list, so they don't feel 318 00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:51,520 Speaker 6: the need to take the next step with him. So 319 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:56,200 Speaker 6: when women they kind of you know, become eager imposted 320 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,720 Speaker 6: in their decision making, they seem more potential in the 321 00:19:58,760 --> 00:19:59,960 Speaker 6: man than what he acts. 322 00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:03,840 Speaker 2: Receiving himself. So they then say, okay, well then I'm 323 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:04,680 Speaker 2: going to take the lead. 324 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:05,800 Speaker 6: And that does make. 325 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,080 Speaker 2: Men feel like, okay, well, you know, it can't be 326 00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:11,960 Speaker 2: too many of this relationship. So a lot of flamens. 327 00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:15,480 Speaker 2: They just don't understand that maybe you're not what he 328 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:18,720 Speaker 2: wants in a wife and he's not proposing because of that. 329 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,720 Speaker 2: And I absolutely feel that if a man is not ready, 330 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,560 Speaker 2: he will get ready for the woman and he wants 331 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:24,119 Speaker 2: to be with me. 332 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,040 Speaker 1: Yeah, but how long does she wait? How long if 333 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:32,240 Speaker 1: she wants to be married or coupled and he does not, 334 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:37,240 Speaker 1: and he doesn't say to her, you're not checking all 335 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:40,240 Speaker 1: the boxes on my list. He continues to hang around, 336 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:45,200 Speaker 1: get the benefits, you know, participate with the madam, and 337 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,040 Speaker 1: he doesn't say how long should she wait? 338 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:50,520 Speaker 6: I think that a couple of things going to say that. 339 00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:54,320 Speaker 6: I think that maybe a year's time is adequate time 340 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:58,560 Speaker 6: because in that year she'll also be able to seed 341 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,159 Speaker 6: growth and they're related to ship off this kind of 342 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:05,080 Speaker 6: platford or you know, if it's not go on to 343 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:08,480 Speaker 6: the next level. So even if he doesn't say it necessarily, 344 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:10,720 Speaker 6: because some men they won't, they'll just kind of, you know, 345 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,480 Speaker 6: play along until the next best thing comes flung and 346 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:17,000 Speaker 6: then they'll read. But I think that if she's not 347 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:21,320 Speaker 6: being consistent, because I don't believe you can be interested 348 00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:24,520 Speaker 6: and consistent. So if he's not being consistent a man 349 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:27,320 Speaker 6: of his burden, he's not planning those days, if he's 350 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:30,720 Speaker 6: not going to pursuing and that timeframe, I think that 351 00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:34,600 Speaker 6: a woman absolutely has her answer before she has to 352 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:37,160 Speaker 6: ask him, because, as I said, for a man's old fan, 353 00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:39,800 Speaker 6: but I think your time is out of the time. 354 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:45,080 Speaker 1: Well good, so, if I'm hearing you accurately, you say 355 00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:49,680 Speaker 1: absolutely no, a woman should not ask him to marry her. 356 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:55,200 Speaker 1: That's his place because he is the hunter. Alrighty, thank 357 00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:57,359 Speaker 1: you so much for loved. Thank you so much. We're 358 00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:58,600 Speaker 1: gonna put that on the board. 359 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:02,240 Speaker 2: Okay, bye bye, bye bye, thank you. 360 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:11,880 Speaker 1: We'll talk more about it when they come back. Welcome 361 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:14,880 Speaker 1: back to the R Spot. Let's get back to the conversation. 362 00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:19,920 Speaker 1: Greetings beloved, and welcome to the R Spot. We got 363 00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:22,800 Speaker 1: a hot soup on the stove today. The question is 364 00:22:23,359 --> 00:22:27,800 Speaker 1: should she ask him to marry her? If so, why? 365 00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:29,959 Speaker 1: If not? Why not? What do you think? 366 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:36,520 Speaker 4: I am old school and I believe that women always 367 00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:41,159 Speaker 4: put their intentions on the table early and austen and 368 00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:44,119 Speaker 4: so that the man is serious and ready to commit 369 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,439 Speaker 4: the rest of his life to someone, he. 370 00:22:46,359 --> 00:22:49,479 Speaker 1: Should ask, he should ask, and what if he doesn't, 371 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:50,640 Speaker 1: and if he doesn't. 372 00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:54,680 Speaker 4: I think women always let their intentions be known. 373 00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:55,360 Speaker 2: I know I did. 374 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:59,080 Speaker 4: And if you don't pick up the hint. 375 00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:01,640 Speaker 1: How long should you wait? 376 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:03,080 Speaker 2: How long should you wait? 377 00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:03,440 Speaker 3: Well? 378 00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:06,119 Speaker 4: You know that's I think that would be relative to 379 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,160 Speaker 4: the couple and where they want to be and where 380 00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:09,480 Speaker 4: they see themselves. 381 00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:11,280 Speaker 2: Going, you know. 382 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:13,880 Speaker 4: And I also think it depends on the persons where 383 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:17,320 Speaker 4: they are in their profession, their age and things like that. 384 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:22,000 Speaker 4: In your twenties you could wait a little longer, thirty 385 00:23:22,119 --> 00:23:24,720 Speaker 4: forties and maybe a little less. I have friends that 386 00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:27,040 Speaker 4: are dating in their sixties and seventies. They're not trying 387 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:27,840 Speaker 4: to wait five years. 388 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:30,359 Speaker 2: So I think it depends on the stage. 389 00:23:30,119 --> 00:23:35,480 Speaker 1: You're yeah, Now, let me ask you this. What if 390 00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:39,520 Speaker 1: she wants to be married and he doesn't, or he 391 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:43,280 Speaker 1: hasn't said, he hasn't declared one way or the other, 392 00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:50,320 Speaker 1: and they find themselves with child, then what Because you 393 00:23:50,359 --> 00:23:51,800 Speaker 1: say you old school. 394 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:54,880 Speaker 4: I am. I am old school, but I also am 395 00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:57,320 Speaker 4: old school enough to know that a baby never keeps 396 00:23:57,320 --> 00:24:02,680 Speaker 4: a marriage together. So if they are in a relationship 397 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:07,040 Speaker 4: and there is a child that's coming, they have to 398 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:10,120 Speaker 4: decide whether they're married or not, how they're gonna parent 399 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:10,719 Speaker 4: that baby. 400 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,640 Speaker 2: I think when people marry for the purpose of just. 401 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:19,200 Speaker 4: The child over time, I've seen it in various other 402 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:24,359 Speaker 4: people's relationships and sometimes create relationship goals that aren't weren't there, 403 00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:28,240 Speaker 4: and the baby becomes kind of like the canon thought 404 00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:32,160 Speaker 4: of fights. So I don't think people should marry because 405 00:24:33,359 --> 00:24:36,240 Speaker 4: there is an impending baby. I think they should marry 406 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:39,120 Speaker 4: for love and shared goals and shared it should well, 407 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:45,480 Speaker 4: thank you, old school. Let me tell you, I am 408 00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:47,919 Speaker 4: absolutely My sisters are going to freak out when I 409 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:49,680 Speaker 4: tell him I actually got to talk because I said, 410 00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:53,960 Speaker 4: I'm gonna talk to you. The fauns when they watch me, 411 00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:57,560 Speaker 4: so I'm so happy. 412 00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:57,720 Speaker 2: To be here. 413 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,520 Speaker 1: You tell them to listen into the URS spot, and 414 00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:03,400 Speaker 1: not only will they hear you talk to me, they 415 00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:06,679 Speaker 1: will hear me talk to you. So thank you for calling. 416 00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:08,800 Speaker 4: Thank you so much, and God bless you. 417 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:10,360 Speaker 2: Keep doing what you do. 418 00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:20,200 Speaker 1: Okay, greetings beloved, Welcome to the R Spot. We are 419 00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:23,679 Speaker 1: stirring up a tasty stew Today, the question on the 420 00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:29,160 Speaker 1: floor is should she ask him to marry her? If so, why, 421 00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:32,240 Speaker 1: if not, why not? And how long should she wait? 422 00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:33,320 Speaker 1: What do you think? 423 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:36,760 Speaker 2: Well, I think it depends on the situation. I gave 424 00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:37,520 Speaker 2: this example. 425 00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:40,800 Speaker 3: I got pregnant young at seventeen, and I came from 426 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:41,960 Speaker 3: a single parent household. 427 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:43,400 Speaker 2: I didn't work that for my children. 428 00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:46,600 Speaker 3: So I actually proposed to my high school sweetheart to 429 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,520 Speaker 3: marry me so that he could go in a military 430 00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,240 Speaker 3: and we could live as a family and raise our 431 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:54,440 Speaker 3: children together. He would not have thought of proposing, probably 432 00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:56,800 Speaker 3: at that age. So in that situation, I think it 433 00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:01,119 Speaker 3: was appropriate. But here I am export you something and 434 00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:04,480 Speaker 3: now this friends with benefits is the new thing, you know, Yeah, 435 00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:10,640 Speaker 3: And so I think that just depends on the situation, 436 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:14,240 Speaker 3: the expectations of the relationship. So a proposal is just 437 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:17,119 Speaker 3: like a business contract. A business proposal, you have to 438 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:21,280 Speaker 3: negotiate that we get married based off of like this 439 00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,200 Speaker 3: generic contract. 440 00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:26,119 Speaker 2: That does not necessarily apply to all marriages. Unfortunately. So 441 00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:28,200 Speaker 2: I'm in a situation. 442 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:31,160 Speaker 3: Where you know, a guy does not want to marry 443 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:34,400 Speaker 3: he wants to continue with a ference with benefits, And I. 444 00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:37,040 Speaker 2: Just don't think that that is, that's not in my 445 00:26:37,119 --> 00:26:38,560 Speaker 2: best interest as a woman. 446 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:41,080 Speaker 3: And so I don't agree to that. And so I 447 00:26:41,119 --> 00:26:43,240 Speaker 3: had to come to that decision to say, hey, you know, 448 00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:45,800 Speaker 3: this is not what I want. I wouldn't turn around 449 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:49,560 Speaker 3: and try to propose to him, put him on the spot. 450 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:52,240 Speaker 3: You know, that's kind of entrapment. I know he cares 451 00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:54,720 Speaker 3: about me, but there could be some other reasons why 452 00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:56,840 Speaker 3: he's not ready for that, and so I have to 453 00:26:56,920 --> 00:26:59,320 Speaker 3: dive deep into that if he's willing to open up, 454 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:02,200 Speaker 3: and so I go back to it depends. 455 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:02,560 Speaker 2: On the situation. 456 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:06,159 Speaker 3: I think that a man knows when he wants to 457 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:08,840 Speaker 3: marry a woman, but I just don't think that they're 458 00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:16,840 Speaker 3: transparent enough to disclose their vulnerabilities to make that understanding 459 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:17,840 Speaker 3: look a little clear. 460 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:18,960 Speaker 2: Is not that I don't love. 461 00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:20,320 Speaker 3: You, it's just that I'm not ready, or I have 462 00:27:20,440 --> 00:27:21,760 Speaker 3: trauma or whatever. 463 00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:23,920 Speaker 2: They're not going to say that, unfortunately. 464 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:29,679 Speaker 1: You know, you raise a very very important issue. You 465 00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:34,440 Speaker 1: said at seventeen you came from a single parent household 466 00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:39,160 Speaker 1: and you didn't want that for your children. So rather 467 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:42,960 Speaker 1: than looking at what you wanted, you made a move 468 00:27:43,119 --> 00:27:47,080 Speaker 1: based on what you didn't want. You didn't want to 469 00:27:47,119 --> 00:27:51,240 Speaker 1: do what your mother did, so you proposed. How many 470 00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:55,280 Speaker 1: people do you think do that or get married, not 471 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:58,280 Speaker 1: because it's what they want, but because they're running from 472 00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:00,560 Speaker 1: what they don't want. They don't want to be alone, 473 00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:02,959 Speaker 1: they don't want to have children outside of marriage, they 474 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:05,600 Speaker 1: don't want whatever. How many people do you think do 475 00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:07,640 Speaker 1: that in relationships? 476 00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:09,119 Speaker 3: Not enough? 477 00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:13,760 Speaker 2: Any made me cheer up because I never heard it 478 00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:15,120 Speaker 2: particulated like that. 479 00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:20,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, sorry, no, don't be sorry. Listen, listen, this is 480 00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:22,640 Speaker 1: we're ripping the band aid off. So here we go. 481 00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:26,800 Speaker 1: It's because I'm sure if you can, if you can 482 00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:31,159 Speaker 1: still talk about it, there's still some I don't know 483 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:34,360 Speaker 1: what you want to call it, residue that that marriage 484 00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:38,720 Speaker 1: didn't work, that marriage didn't know. How long were you 485 00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:41,560 Speaker 1: together with him? 486 00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:46,160 Speaker 3: We're still friends, we're still raising our children. My son 487 00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:49,480 Speaker 3: turned eighteen in June, and we decided once our kids 488 00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:52,040 Speaker 3: turn eighteen that we would call it quit in. 489 00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:55,040 Speaker 1: Wait a minute, Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait 490 00:28:55,080 --> 00:29:00,800 Speaker 1: a minute, Hold up, all plump the brakes. You married 491 00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:03,080 Speaker 1: him at seventeen and you're still married to. 492 00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:07,640 Speaker 3: Him, okayper that's the contract. We have businesses together, and 493 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:09,400 Speaker 3: it's just it's complicated. 494 00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:11,520 Speaker 1: How long did you actually stay together? 495 00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:15,560 Speaker 3: Twenty sixteen was when our marriage ended, but. 496 00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:18,920 Speaker 2: We didn't tell anyone, which is so funny. We didn't 497 00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:20,719 Speaker 2: tell anyone that you know. 498 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,760 Speaker 3: We kept it internal. We told like my mom and 499 00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:28,680 Speaker 3: our parents, and we didn't even tell our children until 500 00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:33,360 Speaker 3: a couple of years ago. And because we were friends, 501 00:29:33,360 --> 00:29:35,240 Speaker 3: we grew up in the same neighborhood, so it's a 502 00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:39,480 Speaker 3: little different. And so it ended in twenty sixteen. 503 00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:41,959 Speaker 1: How many years was that? How many years was it? 504 00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:44,840 Speaker 2: That was about twenty five years? 505 00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:46,760 Speaker 1: Twenty five years because. 506 00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:47,600 Speaker 2: My sun is thirty one. 507 00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:51,120 Speaker 3: Wow, yes, ma'am twenty five years. 508 00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:56,040 Speaker 1: Wow. But in twenty sixteen you called it quits. 509 00:29:56,400 --> 00:29:59,200 Speaker 3: From ninety two to twenty sixteen, so. 510 00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:01,640 Speaker 1: He married you at seventeen and. 511 00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:04,920 Speaker 2: What he people didn't realize I didn't. I married him. 512 00:30:04,840 --> 00:30:08,240 Speaker 3: Because we needed to raise his family together. I didn't 513 00:30:08,280 --> 00:30:11,200 Speaker 3: marry him because I was ready to commit to him. 514 00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:12,400 Speaker 1: What does that mean? 515 00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:14,280 Speaker 3: That's a whole another thing. 516 00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:20,120 Speaker 1: I'm interested what happened. I want to know the juicy details. 517 00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:22,000 Speaker 3: Because my mom was a single mom. 518 00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:24,480 Speaker 2: My grandmother raised me, my grandmother passed away. 519 00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:29,680 Speaker 3: My mom raised started raising me and Unfortunately, I was 520 00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:33,800 Speaker 3: sexually abused at a very young age. I was over sexualized, 521 00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:36,760 Speaker 3: I was sexually active, and I was pregnant the first 522 00:30:36,800 --> 00:30:40,560 Speaker 3: time when I was fifteen years old, about twenty something 523 00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:46,400 Speaker 3: year old man, a drug dealer. And when I met 524 00:30:46,640 --> 00:30:48,880 Speaker 3: my boyfriend had played my own life sweetheart. 525 00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:50,560 Speaker 2: I was tired of it. 526 00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:54,600 Speaker 3: I was tired of you know that kind of lifestyle 527 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:57,960 Speaker 3: with you know, guys like that. And so I ended 528 00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:00,160 Speaker 3: up pregnant by him, and I was like, I'm not 529 00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:02,800 Speaker 3: going to have an abortion. I'm when we're gonna raise 530 00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:04,560 Speaker 3: the breaking, I'm going to do the right thing now. 531 00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:09,160 Speaker 3: And it was really my son that forced me to 532 00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:11,400 Speaker 3: grow up and be responsible. 533 00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:15,800 Speaker 2: And I knew how I felt not having my dad. 534 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:18,720 Speaker 3: And so I didn't want my son to grow up 535 00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:23,280 Speaker 3: without his dad. So I made sacrifices for my children, 536 00:31:23,360 --> 00:31:26,720 Speaker 3: from my for my for my children. Because I feel 537 00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:30,840 Speaker 3: figured now at my I'm now forty nine, I'm a 538 00:31:30,880 --> 00:31:34,400 Speaker 3: little bit wiser. I understand it better, and now you 539 00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:36,200 Speaker 3: kind of articulated. 540 00:31:35,720 --> 00:31:38,400 Speaker 2: A different perspective. I did what I had to do. 541 00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:40,080 Speaker 2: I did what was best for my children. And my 542 00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:42,200 Speaker 2: kids we got three wonderful children. 543 00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:47,800 Speaker 1: It's good stay with that. Don't don't run from that. 544 00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:51,080 Speaker 1: That's that's just your heart opening up and. 545 00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:53,720 Speaker 2: The sacrifice of everything that we had to enjoy. It 546 00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:56,920 Speaker 2: was worked it looking at them now today was worked it. 547 00:31:57,320 --> 00:32:02,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, as you move forward with your life, you did 548 00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:06,560 Speaker 1: not marry for the commitment of it. You married for 549 00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:10,760 Speaker 1: what you didn't have and what you didn't want. That 550 00:32:10,920 --> 00:32:16,080 Speaker 1: is huge, even that you are aware of that, that 551 00:32:16,320 --> 00:32:21,240 Speaker 1: is huge because so many of us want the marriage 552 00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:27,160 Speaker 1: because of not having a father, or not seeing a relationship, 553 00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:30,080 Speaker 1: not being like a mother, not you know, so many 554 00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:34,800 Speaker 1: people do that and don't even have that awareness. Good 555 00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:38,320 Speaker 1: for you, So let me ask you this question. What 556 00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:45,120 Speaker 1: is your relationship two relationships right now? What do you 557 00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:49,080 Speaker 1: know now about relationships that you didn't know at eighteen 558 00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:51,520 Speaker 1: or you didn't know with the friends with benefits? What 559 00:32:51,560 --> 00:32:52,280 Speaker 1: do you know now? 560 00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:57,520 Speaker 2: Well? I need to know myself first, and that's why 561 00:32:57,600 --> 00:32:58,040 Speaker 2: I did not. 562 00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:01,719 Speaker 3: I never had opportunity to really know myself and know 563 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:05,600 Speaker 3: exactly what it means to be by myself like. 564 00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:09,240 Speaker 2: I've never I had never had my own room because 565 00:33:09,280 --> 00:33:11,440 Speaker 2: my siblings, and went straight from my siblings room. 566 00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:14,560 Speaker 3: To where we you know, my sister to my house, 567 00:33:14,680 --> 00:33:16,200 Speaker 3: my husband's room. You know what I'm saying. 568 00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:18,680 Speaker 2: So I never had even that room to myself. 569 00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:21,240 Speaker 3: That's a huge thing, you know, just having that alone 570 00:33:21,280 --> 00:33:23,600 Speaker 3: space and knowing yourself and knowing. 571 00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:24,760 Speaker 2: What you can be without. 572 00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:28,280 Speaker 3: Like a lot of times, we, like you said, because 573 00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:32,080 Speaker 3: of what we didn't have, we kind of attached to people. 574 00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:35,000 Speaker 2: And so I figured that I don't need that. I 575 00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:37,120 Speaker 2: don't need that attachment, you know, I have to find 576 00:33:37,120 --> 00:33:38,080 Speaker 2: a healthier attachment. 577 00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:39,480 Speaker 3: So I spent a lot of time at the beach, 578 00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:48,720 Speaker 3: a lot of time just improving myself, went to law school. 579 00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:47,240 Speaker 5: You know. 580 00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:49,640 Speaker 3: Just I'm focusing on kind of what I want to 581 00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:52,360 Speaker 3: do now, not what I necessarily had to do to survive. 582 00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:54,680 Speaker 2: I'm thriving. I feel like I'm thriving now. 583 00:33:55,240 --> 00:33:57,920 Speaker 1: So can I offer you just a teeny We need 584 00:33:57,960 --> 00:33:59,760 Speaker 1: a bit of coaching right here, because you didn't ask 585 00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:01,640 Speaker 1: for it, and if you don't want it, I'll keep 586 00:34:01,680 --> 00:34:08,000 Speaker 1: it to myself. I just here in your speaking that 587 00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:13,120 Speaker 1: you externalize and although you're saying, I don't want that anymore, 588 00:34:13,640 --> 00:34:17,319 Speaker 1: because when you're speaking, instead of saying I, you say we. 589 00:34:18,080 --> 00:34:22,480 Speaker 1: So I want to know myself. I'm taking this time 590 00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:26,160 Speaker 1: to learn who I am as opposed to we need 591 00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:29,600 Speaker 1: to find out who we are and that kind of thing. 592 00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:33,440 Speaker 1: Do you understand that? So internalize that. I want to 593 00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:38,200 Speaker 1: take this time to find out who I am so 594 00:34:38,239 --> 00:34:43,120 Speaker 1: that you can internalize it. That means own your experience. 595 00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:49,120 Speaker 1: That's number one. Number two, beloved, I heard you speak 596 00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:53,320 Speaker 1: about this as the sacrifice you made for your children. 597 00:34:53,920 --> 00:34:56,279 Speaker 1: You know, you stayed and you got married and you 598 00:34:56,320 --> 00:35:01,719 Speaker 1: did this and that. I don't hear you giving yourself 599 00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:05,440 Speaker 1: credit for what you did for yourself. Are you even 600 00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:10,080 Speaker 1: aware of what you did for yourself in this process 601 00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:15,359 Speaker 1: of marrying your childhood sweetheart and raising your children. Do 602 00:35:15,400 --> 00:35:16,800 Speaker 1: you hear what you did for yourself? 603 00:35:17,760 --> 00:35:19,479 Speaker 2: No? Hey, I don't. 604 00:35:21,000 --> 00:35:26,120 Speaker 1: Okay, would you like to hear some possibilities because I 605 00:35:26,120 --> 00:35:30,920 Speaker 1: don't hear you giving yourself enough credit. You were ready 606 00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:37,800 Speaker 1: to go into your bad behavior. Number one, you made 607 00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:42,600 Speaker 1: a commitment to yourself and you honored it. That may 608 00:35:42,680 --> 00:35:46,000 Speaker 1: look like you sacrificed yourself for the children, but at 609 00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:50,799 Speaker 1: a higher vibration, you made a commitment to yourself. I'm 610 00:35:50,840 --> 00:35:54,799 Speaker 1: not going to do what was done to me. I'm 611 00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:59,080 Speaker 1: going to do something different. So not only did you 612 00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:02,759 Speaker 1: make a commitment to yourself and honor that commitment. You 613 00:36:03,440 --> 00:36:10,960 Speaker 1: disrupted an ancestral pattern. Well done. You should be very 614 00:36:11,040 --> 00:36:15,839 Speaker 1: very proud of yourself. Take that in, take that in 615 00:36:17,640 --> 00:36:19,880 Speaker 1: the other thing you did. And the reason I know 616 00:36:20,080 --> 00:36:24,399 Speaker 1: you're honoring a commitment to yourself is when you were 617 00:36:24,440 --> 00:36:28,759 Speaker 1: in this friends with benefits situation and it's not what 618 00:36:28,800 --> 00:36:34,279 Speaker 1: you wanted. You got out of it. No matter how 619 00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:39,920 Speaker 1: much time it took, you got out. You are doing well. 620 00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:43,239 Speaker 1: I am so happy for you and proud of you. 621 00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:46,160 Speaker 1: And you know I'm gonna leave you with this little 622 00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:48,919 Speaker 1: blue pill. You want to be mindful if you got 623 00:36:48,960 --> 00:36:52,080 Speaker 1: guilt cimmeren on your stove. You do not want to 624 00:36:52,120 --> 00:36:54,879 Speaker 1: be in a relationship with another man while you are 625 00:36:54,920 --> 00:37:06,440 Speaker 1: still living with your husband. Okay, alrighty bye. I think 626 00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:11,640 Speaker 1: the question that we all may want to consider in 627 00:37:11,800 --> 00:37:18,400 Speaker 1: considering this question is what is marriage? What is marriage? 628 00:37:19,080 --> 00:37:24,520 Speaker 1: And what does it mean to us? Because we sometimes 629 00:37:24,719 --> 00:37:29,120 Speaker 1: just want the title, Sometimes as women we just want 630 00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:34,200 Speaker 1: to be chosen, and sometimes as men. I think I 631 00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:36,640 Speaker 1: don't know this to be true. I've never been a 632 00:37:36,680 --> 00:37:41,280 Speaker 1: man in this body. I think that many men feel 633 00:37:41,719 --> 00:37:45,120 Speaker 1: that with the pressure of a legal piece of paper, 634 00:37:45,560 --> 00:37:49,640 Speaker 1: they may not live up to the expectation. And it 635 00:37:49,760 --> 00:37:54,279 Speaker 1: all goes back to what is marriage. So our scoreboard 636 00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:58,120 Speaker 1: says to say she shouldn't do it, to say that 637 00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:02,080 Speaker 1: it requires a conversation, and another one says it depends 638 00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:06,040 Speaker 1: on the situation. So we've got to be clear about 639 00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:11,080 Speaker 1: what the situation is that we're talking about. Things are changing, 640 00:38:11,440 --> 00:38:15,840 Speaker 1: things are changing, people are changing, expectations are changing. We 641 00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:21,600 Speaker 1: now have Mommy's getting married, Daddy's getting married. We're mixing races, 642 00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:26,879 Speaker 1: we're missing mixing religions. So the question is what is 643 00:38:27,120 --> 00:38:31,439 Speaker 1: marriage and what does it mean to you? And are 644 00:38:31,520 --> 00:38:36,319 Speaker 1: you and your partner on the same page in the 645 00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:40,360 Speaker 1: same book. Wow, I think this has been a tasty, 646 00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:44,080 Speaker 1: tasty soup today and I can hardly wait to cook 647 00:38:44,160 --> 00:38:47,600 Speaker 1: up something new for us to talk about right here 648 00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:51,480 Speaker 1: on the R Spot. So until we meet again, stay 649 00:38:51,480 --> 00:39:02,520 Speaker 1: in peace and not pieces fine. The R Spot is 650 00:39:02,560 --> 00:39:07,840 Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For 651 00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:13,799 Speaker 1: more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, 652 00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:18,160 Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.