WEBVTT - Therapy Sesh with Chloe Veitch 0:00:05.960 --> 0:00:10.920 Hello, gorgeous. It is Lala Kent. I am beyond smitten 0:00:11.000 --> 0:00:14.840 right now with my next guest. She is our Internet 0:00:14.840 --> 0:00:17.279 it girl, reality TV star, and host of the brand 0:00:17.320 --> 0:00:20.400 new radio show on the Unwell Network, Big Sister with 0:00:20.520 --> 0:00:26.200 Chloe Beach. Please welcome Chloe Beach. Hello, gorgeous, Hello, oh divine, 0:00:26.480 --> 0:00:29.840 you are like so beyond stunning. 0:00:30.640 --> 0:00:31.360 Oh thank you? 0:00:31.840 --> 0:00:34.320 Like I looked at I cyberstalked you and I thought 0:00:34.360 --> 0:00:36.400 you like, oh my, and I hate when people say 0:00:36.440 --> 0:00:38.879 this to me, so it's not now I'm saying it. 0:00:40.479 --> 0:00:44.080 Even how stunning you are on your Instagram, you're even 0:00:44.200 --> 0:00:47.960 more breathtaking in person, if that is possible. 0:00:48.120 --> 0:00:49.519 I love you, Thank you. 0:00:49.440 --> 0:00:50.960 You can stay here all day to now what. 0:00:51.000 --> 0:00:53.320 I used to take that as like a backhanded compliment 0:00:53.360 --> 0:00:55.720 because I would then think, oh no, my Instagram isn't 0:00:55.760 --> 0:00:58.280 good and I don't know, right am I not photogenic? 0:00:58.360 --> 0:01:01.040 But now I'm like, no, that is because I feel 0:01:01.040 --> 0:01:02.480 out when you see someone in person, they have an 0:01:02.520 --> 0:01:05.360 aura and an energy, right, which then takes it from 0:01:05.400 --> 0:01:06.960 Instagram and it's like lifelike. 0:01:07.600 --> 0:01:10.080 Yeah, yeah, I think so too. And I think I 0:01:10.120 --> 0:01:13.440 watched a video of yours where you got glammed up, 0:01:13.480 --> 0:01:15.679 you got really close to the camera, you showed your 0:01:15.959 --> 0:01:20.759 your wrinkles, your smile lines, and there was something about 0:01:20.800 --> 0:01:24.080 that that I just loved so much. And I love 0:01:24.120 --> 0:01:26.560 it not only for me. I'll be thirty five this year, 0:01:27.120 --> 0:01:30.759 and even at this age, I still get onto, you know, 0:01:30.920 --> 0:01:34.360 social media and go, I want to get my nose done, yeah, 0:01:34.480 --> 0:01:37.000 to look like this girl's. I want to take these 0:01:37.080 --> 0:01:39.720 lips in to show my plastic surgeon to give me 0:01:39.800 --> 0:01:40.320 these lips. 0:01:40.440 --> 0:01:40.800 Yeah. 0:01:40.840 --> 0:01:42.640 So I love it for me, but I love that 0:01:42.680 --> 0:01:44.880 you did that. As someone who is a mom to 0:01:44.920 --> 0:01:50.320 two girls, it's very scary raising kids in this new 0:01:50.400 --> 0:01:52.280 world of social media and what they're going to be 0:01:52.320 --> 0:01:54.680 exposed to and see, and they may not feel good 0:01:54.760 --> 0:01:57.040 enough at moments. So I want to say thank you 0:01:57.080 --> 0:01:59.360 for doing that, but also on the heels of what 0:01:59.400 --> 0:02:01.560 we were just saying when you did that, when you 0:02:01.880 --> 0:02:06.520 see someone in person, there's something about the humanness that 0:02:06.600 --> 0:02:09.960 I think makes someone very beautiful the aura. 0:02:09.520 --> 0:02:11.440 And you humanize them. First of all, thank you. I 0:02:11.480 --> 0:02:15.960 love you for that because I always I try not 0:02:16.040 --> 0:02:18.639 to be like perfect and pristine on Instagram, and it's 0:02:18.680 --> 0:02:20.960 sober hard because even like you sometimes I look at 0:02:21.040 --> 0:02:22.880 people's instagrams, I'm like, I want a BBL. 0:02:23.600 --> 0:02:25.639 You just want to go so bad I can't even 0:02:25.680 --> 0:02:26.000 stand it. 0:02:26.000 --> 0:02:27.440 I don't want to have to go to the gym 0:02:27.760 --> 0:02:30.000 and like actually work for a bum, Like I want 0:02:30.040 --> 0:02:32.079 to just just you know, fly to Turkey get it 0:02:32.120 --> 0:02:36.799 bought right. But no, that's not the worst. My insecurity 0:02:36.840 --> 0:02:39.160 is speaking to me so like I have to kind 0:02:39.160 --> 0:02:40.840 of block it out, and I'm like, no, I'm perfect 0:02:40.880 --> 0:02:42.240 the way I am, perfect way I am. I just 0:02:42.280 --> 0:02:43.040 need to go to the gym. 0:02:43.080 --> 0:02:43.440 That's it. 0:02:43.600 --> 0:02:46.320 Build the booty. I can change. I want to change. 0:02:46.919 --> 0:02:48.960 But by the way, I'm the same with you as 0:02:49.120 --> 0:02:53.440 like the BBL. And then like when I Pamela Anderson started, 0:02:53.600 --> 0:02:56.000 you know, the revival of her and all of the 0:02:56.000 --> 0:02:57.359 photos that started coming. 0:02:57.120 --> 0:03:04.000 Out of going on Red Carpets, flawless, flawless. Yeah right, yeah, 0:03:04.040 --> 0:03:06.120 I actually just spoke about this on my radio show 0:03:06.160 --> 0:03:08.079 and me literally saying that I think I'm going to 0:03:08.120 --> 0:03:11.840 go into a Pamela Anderson because it's like it's exposure 0:03:12.400 --> 0:03:17.080 to judgment and shame and fear of like not being 0:03:17.360 --> 0:03:21.639 liked by other people, right, just like being authentically yourself. 0:03:21.720 --> 0:03:23.400 And then you kind of lean into Oh no, this 0:03:23.440 --> 0:03:25.560 is me and it's not actually that scary people see 0:03:25.600 --> 0:03:26.400 me without makeup. 0:03:26.919 --> 0:03:29.440 Do you think that people feel that way even who 0:03:29.560 --> 0:03:33.240 are not in the public eye. Yeah, more so than 0:03:33.240 --> 0:03:34.359 people that are in the public eye. 0:03:34.400 --> 0:03:37.800 Do you think I feel like I can only speak 0:03:37.840 --> 0:03:41.440 on my experience, and my experience is because I've been 0:03:41.480 --> 0:03:44.680 exposed to so many eyes on me, and like people 0:03:44.760 --> 0:03:49.440 have given me insecurities I didn't even know, like knew 0:03:49.440 --> 0:03:52.120 I had so like, I don't know, I'm trying to 0:03:52.160 --> 0:03:57.600 give you an example. My face is really long, and 0:03:57.680 --> 0:03:59.760 I never really noticed that when I was a child. 0:04:00.040 --> 0:04:03.920 It's you know, it's just a vice, guess where you 0:04:03.920 --> 0:04:05.600 can swear, you can say whatever you want. It's just 0:04:05.640 --> 0:04:09.000 a fucking vice, right, you know what? Now I'm like, 0:04:09.040 --> 0:04:11.720 oh no, does my face look really long in pictures? 0:04:11.800 --> 0:04:14.240 Like what? Isn't it crazy? 0:04:14.440 --> 0:04:16.039 What even a thing? I know? 0:04:16.800 --> 0:04:21.719 And I felt that like I came into reality television, 0:04:22.400 --> 0:04:24.480 I want to say, I think I had just turned 0:04:24.520 --> 0:04:30.080 twenty four. I was very impressionable. I had very little confidence, 0:04:30.520 --> 0:04:32.839 but I knew I wanted to be an entertainment and 0:04:32.920 --> 0:04:36.920 at that time, I was like broken out and it 0:04:36.960 --> 0:04:40.919 was like I either suck it up yeap and fake 0:04:41.000 --> 0:04:43.560 my confidence until I actually have it, or I got 0:04:43.560 --> 0:04:46.120 to go back to Utah and like go to college, 0:04:46.120 --> 0:04:48.560 which I'm not good at school, get a normal job 0:04:48.640 --> 0:04:50.920 like that just does not sound like something I would 0:04:50.960 --> 0:04:58.279 be good at. And I literally got confidence. People would say, like, 0:04:58.320 --> 0:04:59.960 how do I get your confidence? This was season four, 0:05:00.200 --> 0:05:02.839 twenty four years old. I'm like, I don't. I don't 0:05:02.880 --> 0:05:03.440 even have it. 0:05:03.680 --> 0:05:07.159 No, what is it? What is self validation? What is 0:05:07.200 --> 0:05:09.880 self love? Like? What does it mean and look like 0:05:09.960 --> 0:05:12.680 and feel like? To love yourself? And you learn that 0:05:12.720 --> 0:05:13.520 by faking it. 0:05:13.880 --> 0:05:16.520 You fake it until you make it, exposing yourself to 0:05:16.680 --> 0:05:19.159 feelings and judgment and then. 0:05:19.160 --> 0:05:23.240 Just it's like exposure therapy. My therapist says to me 0:05:23.240 --> 0:05:24.760 all the time, Okay, I'm going to put you in 0:05:24.800 --> 0:05:26.800 an emotion. You're going to feel it, and you're going 0:05:26.880 --> 0:05:29.200 to recognize that you're not going to die. So I 0:05:29.320 --> 0:05:30.919 feel the emotion and I'm like, oh my god, I 0:05:30.920 --> 0:05:33.239 feel like I'm going to die, but I don't die, Okay, perfect. 0:05:33.240 --> 0:05:34.760 So the next time I feel that emotion, I'm going 0:05:34.839 --> 0:05:36.640 to feel like I'm going to die, and it's going 0:05:36.720 --> 0:05:39.599 to expose me to that overwhelming feeling where of like 0:05:40.160 --> 0:05:44.359 I'm not good enough. Pamela Anderson prime example, she is 0:05:44.400 --> 0:05:45.160 good enough. 0:05:46.080 --> 0:05:48.560 And by the way, she's never looked better because it's 0:05:48.600 --> 0:05:51.760 about like what's happening internally is coming out the. 0:05:51.720 --> 0:05:56.240 Aurba the aura. Yeah, humanizing her. M h. I love it. 0:05:56.600 --> 0:06:01.560 I like the the exposure therapy that your therapist. I 0:06:01.960 --> 0:06:03.640 for the first time, I want to say, in the 0:06:03.680 --> 0:06:09.440 past week two weeks, have had to acknowledge when I 0:06:09.520 --> 0:06:12.360 get jealous, we need. 0:06:12.240 --> 0:06:14.000 To talk about this, because time we need to talk 0:06:14.000 --> 0:06:14.359 about this. 0:06:14.680 --> 0:06:17.520 Okay, saying it makes me like I can feel the 0:06:17.600 --> 0:06:18.200 elephant on my. 0:06:18.240 --> 0:06:21.120 Chests, on yourself. You're putting yourself under the bus. 0:06:21.200 --> 0:06:25.240 I'm putting myself under the bus. And the only reason 0:06:25.279 --> 0:06:27.600 I acknowledged this was, have you done a human design? 0:06:27.960 --> 0:06:28.880 Your human design? 0:06:29.440 --> 0:06:32.920 Who I want to marry? Is Is that what I mean? No? 0:06:32.960 --> 0:06:36.359 But I love that, I wish that. I love that 0:06:36.480 --> 0:06:41.000 I manifest that a human design as you put your 0:06:41.480 --> 0:06:45.240 time of birth and where you were born. Oh yeah, 0:06:45.279 --> 0:06:48.320 and it's it's not like your star sign. It's a 0:06:48.360 --> 0:06:51.760 breakdown a blueprint of who you are. And my downfall 0:06:52.800 --> 0:06:55.359 is bitterness. And then I clicked on it. I was like, 0:06:55.360 --> 0:07:00.080 I don't love this word. I click on it and 0:07:00.080 --> 0:07:04.240 it said you can take other people's success as a 0:07:04.279 --> 0:07:08.719 personal attack and get jealous. And when you allow yourself 0:07:08.760 --> 0:07:13.240 to feed into that and not acknowledge it, it blankets 0:07:13.280 --> 0:07:16.480 who you are to your core, which is not that person, 0:07:17.240 --> 0:07:19.040 and it dims your light. And I was like, I'm 0:07:19.040 --> 0:07:20.480 going to throw up. I'm going to throw up. 0:07:20.640 --> 0:07:23.200 Someone post me at please. 0:07:24.240 --> 0:07:27.360 So that I've had to literally in moments where I 0:07:27.440 --> 0:07:29.520 see things and I'm like, I can't see it, I 0:07:29.520 --> 0:07:33.200 can't hear about it. It's like you're feeling envious, you're 0:07:33.240 --> 0:07:38.120 feeling jealous. You're taking their success or whatever it may be, 0:07:38.240 --> 0:07:41.840 their face, their brand new lips that you'll never have. 0:07:42.280 --> 0:07:45.640 Yeah, they're bum They're bum that I will have in 0:07:45.680 --> 0:07:46.040 the year. 0:07:46.360 --> 0:07:48.760 Once I consistently go to the camp, I can consistently 0:07:48.840 --> 0:07:53.960 do it, acknowledge that, and be okay with it. You 0:07:54.120 --> 0:07:55.040 won't die. 0:07:55.280 --> 0:07:58.160 Yeah. Wow, Yeah, I'm so proud of you by the way, 0:07:58.720 --> 0:08:01.560 I feel like you're my there. No, but that's hard. 0:08:02.120 --> 0:08:04.560 That's really hard because looking at yourself in the mirror 0:08:04.920 --> 0:08:10.200 and recognizing that beyond surface level, we all have toxic 0:08:10.240 --> 0:08:13.960 traits like We sometimes are the problem. Yeah, just like 0:08:14.000 --> 0:08:15.200 that meme, Am I the problem? 0:08:15.400 --> 0:08:15.640 Yeah? 0:08:15.720 --> 0:08:20.720 Sometimes we are the problem. So touched on what you've 0:08:20.760 --> 0:08:25.000 just said, my boyfriend currently my current boyfriend. That sounds 0:08:25.040 --> 0:08:25.600 really bad. 0:08:25.720 --> 0:08:26.600 I know it. 0:08:26.720 --> 0:08:30.120 My boyfriend that I love very much. We are currently 0:08:30.160 --> 0:08:35.200 going through something where he's constantly around beautiful women. Okay, 0:08:35.320 --> 0:08:38.200 he manages talent, he's got like the Love Islanders on 0:08:38.240 --> 0:08:40.360 his Rosstar and like people that he manages on a 0:08:40.440 --> 0:08:42.800 day to day and he spends extensive amounts of time 0:08:42.840 --> 0:08:44.800 with them, and I barely get to see him during 0:08:44.800 --> 0:08:49.280 the day because he's working, like sixteen seventeen hours. My 0:08:49.360 --> 0:08:51.960 ex cheated on me left me in Thailand. We were 0:08:51.960 --> 0:08:54.959 looking at engagement rings two days before he slept with 0:08:55.080 --> 0:09:01.439 multiple women. So from that previous wound, I'm currently bleeding 0:09:01.600 --> 0:09:05.160 on my current I keep on saying current partner or 0:09:05.280 --> 0:09:09.920 my partner currently, and I've had to kind of bite 0:09:10.000 --> 0:09:13.760 my tongue a few times because I'm like, I feel 0:09:13.800 --> 0:09:16.080 really upset and really angry. I don't know how to 0:09:16.120 --> 0:09:18.640 express it, but I basically want to tell him to 0:09:18.679 --> 0:09:22.080 just not ever be around women. But that's not healthy. 0:09:22.160 --> 0:09:24.200 I'm not going to do that doesn't mean, I'm a 0:09:24.200 --> 0:09:26.560 bad person for having those thoughts and feelings. I just 0:09:26.559 --> 0:09:29.200 need to work out where it comes from, right and 0:09:29.240 --> 0:09:32.599 how to expose myself to that feeling and know that 0:09:32.640 --> 0:09:34.800 I'm not going to die and lean into that trust. 0:09:35.200 --> 0:09:39.080 Well, that's what a trigger is. A trigger when people 0:09:39.120 --> 0:09:41.960 are feeling triggered by something, is because it's bringing you 0:09:42.040 --> 0:09:46.319 back to a moment that you were your most vulnerable, 0:09:46.320 --> 0:09:49.720 you're most hurt, and even though that's not the situation 0:09:49.920 --> 0:09:55.080 with your boyfriend, now, you cannot help the trauma that 0:09:55.120 --> 0:09:59.040 your ex created. Yeah, is that something you work through 0:09:59.040 --> 0:09:59.880 with your therapist? 0:10:00.200 --> 0:10:03.720 Yeah, it is. It's something that I'm almost like too 0:10:03.800 --> 0:10:06.880 fixated on and hyper aware about now. Okay, because my 0:10:06.960 --> 0:10:09.840 ex I didn't really see any red red flags. I 0:10:09.880 --> 0:10:13.480 was blinded. Now I'm like, oh shit, I'm exposed to 0:10:14.200 --> 0:10:16.640 red flags that I didn't even know were red flags. 0:10:16.679 --> 0:10:19.840 And now I'm like hyper fixating on is my boyfriend 0:10:19.920 --> 0:10:22.359 gaslight in me? Right now? I need to ask CHATGBT 0:10:22.440 --> 0:10:24.120 if this is a red flag, because I don't want 0:10:24.120 --> 0:10:25.800 to ignore it just in case I get hurt again 0:10:25.840 --> 0:10:27.280 like I did in my last relationship. 0:10:27.640 --> 0:10:31.120 Do you feel in your last relationship you ignored your gut, 0:10:31.320 --> 0:10:32.640 so now you don't trust yourself. 0:10:32.679 --> 0:10:35.280 Yeah, okay, massively. 0:10:35.600 --> 0:10:39.320 That's completely relatable. I think any woman who has been 0:10:39.400 --> 0:10:43.360 in a serious relationship that ended could say there were 0:10:43.400 --> 0:10:45.600 many times that they ignored their gut. Is this the 0:10:45.679 --> 0:10:48.800 relationship where you had random strangers on the street trying 0:10:48.800 --> 0:10:50.160 to get you out of this relationship? 0:10:50.280 --> 0:10:51.480 Yeah? 0:10:51.520 --> 0:10:53.199 Do you feel comfortable talking about Yeah? 0:10:53.280 --> 0:10:53.839 Yeah? 0:10:53.880 --> 0:10:56.199 How long were you guys, Like, how did it start 0:10:56.559 --> 0:10:59.079 and what was it like when it ended. 0:10:59.760 --> 0:11:01.640 I've known him for fifteen years. He was one of 0:11:01.640 --> 0:11:04.680 my brother's friends. It was surface level. He was always 0:11:04.720 --> 0:11:06.840 in a relationship, and he was a little bit older 0:11:06.840 --> 0:11:10.120 than me, so it wasn't really like we were going 0:11:10.120 --> 0:11:15.559 to ever get together. And I met him again fresh 0:11:15.559 --> 0:11:17.599 out of a breakup. I was in America for a 0:11:17.640 --> 0:11:20.680 few months, come home see him, went to a barbecue together, 0:11:21.040 --> 0:11:23.160 and we kind of just jumped straight into it. We 0:11:23.160 --> 0:11:25.400 were going on dates every day. We were spending like 0:11:25.480 --> 0:11:27.520 hours and hours and hours together. He was staying at 0:11:27.520 --> 0:11:30.960 my family home, and then within four months of us 0:11:31.000 --> 0:11:34.480 being together, I moved us into a home because we 0:11:34.480 --> 0:11:36.920 were like, let's just do it, like, I love you, 0:11:37.200 --> 0:11:40.880 this is great. I've known you forever. I know who 0:11:40.920 --> 0:11:45.600 you are, and that honestly, you don't know who someone 0:11:45.760 --> 0:11:48.560 is just because you've known them for fifteen years. I 0:11:48.720 --> 0:11:51.800 didn't know what he was like in a relationship. I 0:11:51.840 --> 0:11:53.840 didn't know need of how he was going to be 0:11:54.160 --> 0:11:54.960 as a boyfriend. 0:11:55.040 --> 0:11:57.320 Yeah, well once you add intimacy, different. 0:11:57.120 --> 0:12:03.560 Completely different, Yeah, completely different. So it was great. There 0:12:03.640 --> 0:12:05.840 was a few things that I was like, okay, I 0:12:05.840 --> 0:12:08.400 mean I can communicate with him about this, Like he 0:12:08.480 --> 0:12:12.720 was very quick to anger. He would internalize a lot 0:12:12.720 --> 0:12:15.160 of his emotions and then he would like have an outburst. 0:12:15.880 --> 0:12:19.000 And these outbursts would happen not very much in the 0:12:19.040 --> 0:12:23.679 beginning because it was all like rainbows and sunshine. And 0:12:23.720 --> 0:12:26.960 then he started to feel the guilt. I know for 0:12:27.040 --> 0:12:29.800 a fact, because I was paying for everything, the rent, 0:12:29.880 --> 0:12:34.360 the food, his clothes, on his back. I took him 0:12:34.400 --> 0:12:37.320 away on his thirtieth birthday to Thailand, Australia. Like, but 0:12:37.400 --> 0:12:40.199 I loved that. I was like, okay, like I can 0:12:40.240 --> 0:12:42.439 be in my masculine sometimes. I love you. We can 0:12:42.440 --> 0:12:44.320 make this work as long as you're working towards like 0:12:45.280 --> 0:12:49.360 having a stable career, which he said that he was 0:12:49.480 --> 0:12:52.160 wanting to do. And it just it kind of he 0:12:52.240 --> 0:12:54.160 was just leaching off of me, and he was just 0:12:54.200 --> 0:12:57.160 comfortable with me. And I think it reached a point 0:12:57.160 --> 0:12:59.280 where other people started to notice that he was just 0:12:59.320 --> 0:13:02.360 with me because it was comfortable, and he wasn't able 0:13:02.400 --> 0:13:04.720 to give me that love because he didn't have that 0:13:05.000 --> 0:13:08.320 self love himself, Like he hated who he was as 0:13:08.360 --> 0:13:12.400 a person. And I was constantly trying to see tell 0:13:12.480 --> 0:13:14.640 him like, oh, no, you're actually a really good person. 0:13:14.800 --> 0:13:18.640 Just love yourself. You can't teach someone how to love themselves, 0:13:19.000 --> 0:13:23.280 you know. And because of my life in the industry, 0:13:23.400 --> 0:13:26.240 at first, I thought, I've been on TV a bunch, 0:13:26.480 --> 0:13:28.920 he knows me from before TV. This is going to 0:13:29.000 --> 0:13:30.840 be great. Like he's not going to be with me 0:13:30.880 --> 0:13:32.520 for the money or the fame, because like I knew 0:13:32.600 --> 0:13:35.080 him way before then, right, So when we got into 0:13:35.080 --> 0:13:37.800 the relationship, he started to see a different side of me. 0:13:37.920 --> 0:13:40.200 He was coming to podcasts. I flew him out to 0:13:40.320 --> 0:13:43.800 America where I filmed my show that I hosted with Netflix. 0:13:44.080 --> 0:13:46.120 He met the production he was in the green room, 0:13:46.200 --> 0:13:49.120 like he was living a life that was like lavish, right, 0:13:49.320 --> 0:13:51.200 you know, And I thought, maybe that will make him 0:13:51.240 --> 0:13:53.600 love me more because of these outbursts. They would get 0:13:53.640 --> 0:13:56.800 more and more and more. It wasn't like jealousy. He 0:13:56.840 --> 0:14:01.079 wouldn't try and control me. He just couldn't control himself. Oh, 0:14:01.120 --> 0:14:06.760 he didn't have the narcissist tendencies to be like, you 0:14:06.800 --> 0:14:09.760 can't do this, I'm gonna gaslight you, I'm gonna manipulate you. 0:14:09.760 --> 0:14:13.760 He didn't try to isolate you, no, Okay, if anything, 0:14:14.200 --> 0:14:16.160 it was just he wanted to do whatever he wanted 0:14:16.160 --> 0:14:19.760 to do in the relationship. But I would isolate myself 0:14:19.840 --> 0:14:22.840 because of how shitty I felt being in the relationship. 0:14:23.360 --> 0:14:25.800 If he smashed up the house, I wouldn't want my 0:14:25.840 --> 0:14:29.720 family coming around because they'd ask questions, you know. So 0:14:30.360 --> 0:14:33.280 he didn't force me to isolate myself, but he would 0:14:33.280 --> 0:14:35.800 put me in situations where I had to and I 0:14:35.840 --> 0:14:39.320 had no choice but to isolate myself. Right. But the 0:14:39.320 --> 0:14:42.320 incident you just spoke about so towards the end, it 0:14:42.360 --> 0:14:45.480 was very toxic. I should have left, But I don't 0:14:45.520 --> 0:14:50.480 guilt myself anymore and think to myself, I caused my 0:14:50.520 --> 0:14:52.520 own pain because I didn't leave. I felt like I 0:14:52.600 --> 0:14:54.960 needed to stay in that relationship to run its full 0:14:55.000 --> 0:14:58.440 course for me to fully come to the realization understanding 0:14:58.520 --> 0:15:01.360 that this is something and someone I do not want, 0:15:01.560 --> 0:15:05.080 I do not deserve this. I am completely in love 0:15:05.120 --> 0:15:08.120 with myself and I need to love myself more than 0:15:08.240 --> 0:15:12.120 him because I'm allowing him to treat me a certain way. 0:15:12.600 --> 0:15:17.560 He cheated on me multiple times, and every time I 0:15:17.560 --> 0:15:19.200 would bring it up to him, it was like I 0:15:19.240 --> 0:15:20.280 was the one apologizing. 0:15:21.480 --> 0:15:23.880 Oh he flipped it back, Yeah, to make you think 0:15:23.920 --> 0:15:26.640 that you were the cause of his indiscretions. 0:15:26.680 --> 0:15:28.680 And that was a massive red flag. But I just 0:15:28.720 --> 0:15:29.320 didn't see it. 0:15:29.760 --> 0:15:33.280 But you were also very very young. I mean you're 0:15:33.560 --> 0:15:39.600 you're still young, but the early twenties, you're a baby, yeah, 0:15:39.640 --> 0:15:43.360 and you think that love is something that it's just not. 0:15:44.680 --> 0:15:51.320 And when he would have these outbursts, was he like verbally. 0:15:50.960 --> 0:15:54.400 Abusive, Oh yeah, physical, all of the above, all of it, 0:15:54.520 --> 0:15:56.880 all of the above. That that incident that you just 0:15:56.920 --> 0:16:00.840 brought up. We were with an agent, see that I 0:16:01.040 --> 0:16:03.520 just signed with. It was an out inn. Every time 0:16:03.520 --> 0:16:05.960 he would drink, he would get like aggressive towards other 0:16:06.000 --> 0:16:09.320 people or to me, And I said to him, can 0:16:09.360 --> 0:16:11.560 you please not drink? I need you to be sober. 0:16:11.640 --> 0:16:13.040 This is a work thing. I don't want you to 0:16:13.080 --> 0:16:16.520 embarrass me. He came. He was four cans deep in 0:16:16.560 --> 0:16:19.440 the bus uber ride on the way there. So I'm like, great, now, 0:16:19.440 --> 0:16:21.720 I can't turn you background because you've already started drinking 0:16:21.760 --> 0:16:25.160 and I'm going to be late. We're mixing a mingling 0:16:25.240 --> 0:16:27.920 with everyone, and he was like off, floating about, and 0:16:28.000 --> 0:16:31.280 my nervous system is telling me like, okay, he's going 0:16:31.320 --> 0:16:33.240 to kick off. I just know it. So I'm already 0:16:33.280 --> 0:16:36.720 feeling uneasy. Yeah, constantly scanning is he over there, is 0:16:36.720 --> 0:16:39.960 he arguing with someone? Is he fighting someone? And then 0:16:40.000 --> 0:16:42.200 he comes up to me like, why are you so anxious? 0:16:42.400 --> 0:16:45.560 What's wrong with you? How do I tell someone I'm 0:16:45.560 --> 0:16:47.680 just waiting for you to fuck up because I know 0:16:47.760 --> 0:16:48.240 it's coming. 0:16:48.440 --> 0:16:51.960 Well, you can't, you can't. He's deeply You said what 0:16:52.080 --> 0:16:54.560 a trigger like you saying that is what it's going 0:16:54.640 --> 0:16:55.360 to pop shit off? 0:16:55.880 --> 0:16:58.400 Exactly? So I would ignore it, pretend to be okay, 0:16:58.400 --> 0:17:00.720 fake the confidence. No one else knew what I was 0:17:00.760 --> 0:17:03.360 going through. I was internalizing all of it. And then 0:17:03.400 --> 0:17:05.640 he couldn't get into a club because they told him 0:17:05.640 --> 0:17:06.399 he was too drunk. 0:17:06.560 --> 0:17:08.960 What Yeah, and you can't get into a nake club 0:17:09.440 --> 0:17:11.520 during the day during the day during the day, it 0:17:11.560 --> 0:17:12.280 was a rooftop bar. 0:17:12.920 --> 0:17:16.879 Oh yeah, God, he grabbed me, he shoved me. He 0:17:16.960 --> 0:17:20.199 was shouting at me like it was my fault. And 0:17:20.240 --> 0:17:22.679 then the security guard actually said to him, I'm not 0:17:22.720 --> 0:17:25.120 allowing you in. You're actually banned because of the way 0:17:25.119 --> 0:17:27.800 that you've just spoke to your girlfriend. Wow. And because 0:17:27.800 --> 0:17:30.280 someone else called him out on his own behavior towards me, 0:17:30.840 --> 0:17:33.560 he ran off for forty five minutes. 0:17:34.000 --> 0:17:34.920 Oh your little pussy. 0:17:35.040 --> 0:17:37.679 So I'm calling him, where are you. He's shouting down 0:17:37.720 --> 0:17:39.960 the phone at me like it's my fault. So now 0:17:39.960 --> 0:17:42.640 I'm having to apologize for the way I've behaved to him. 0:17:42.680 --> 0:17:46.160 For him to even come back what like the most 0:17:46.280 --> 0:17:49.960 exaggerated version of an avoidant. And I'm an anxious attachment 0:17:50.800 --> 0:17:53.760 So I'm like, this, just this balance isn't gonna work, babe. 0:17:53.840 --> 0:17:57.120 So I'm like, I've just pushed myself into understanding attachment 0:17:57.119 --> 0:18:00.440 styles and understanding my self worth and now I'll never 0:18:00.480 --> 0:18:04.120 be with an avoidant. No. Yeah, that's I. 0:18:04.040 --> 0:18:07.160 Think incredible that at the age of twenty six, you 0:18:07.280 --> 0:18:07.639 know that. 0:18:08.680 --> 0:18:10.560 And I try and preach to everyone. I'm like, if 0:18:10.600 --> 0:18:14.800 anyone is listening, please don't listen to them self help books. 0:18:14.880 --> 0:18:17.719 Just read up on anxious attachments, secure attachments. 0:18:17.920 --> 0:18:19.159 Yeah, I need to research that. 0:18:19.920 --> 0:18:23.240 I've been asking chatibt for years. You have a year 0:18:24.240 --> 0:18:24.639 help me. 0:18:25.400 --> 0:18:28.080 Was that something that your therapist raised? Was she like 0:18:28.160 --> 0:18:30.720 you need to look into this, oh, talk about it? 0:18:30.800 --> 0:18:32.600 Or this was well before the therapy. This is before 0:18:32.600 --> 0:18:36.840 the therapist. Yeah, I got into therapy because of him. Wow, okay, 0:18:36.960 --> 0:18:37.760 silver lining. 0:18:37.920 --> 0:18:39.640 Yeah, I'm so grateful. 0:18:40.680 --> 0:18:42.680 So then you're looking at engagement rings and he left 0:18:42.720 --> 0:18:43.360 you in Thailand? 0:18:43.480 --> 0:18:45.600 M hmm, yeah, what the fuck? 0:18:45.760 --> 0:18:48.720 I know I would never leave you in Thailand ever. 0:18:49.160 --> 0:18:51.480 Thank you? Do you want to go to Thailand? We 0:18:51.560 --> 0:18:52.520 should go to Thailand. 0:18:58.600 --> 0:19:03.680 How long after this breakup did you land on too 0:19:03.720 --> 0:19:04.399 hard to handle? 0:19:05.840 --> 0:19:10.120 Oh Jesus, I mean so too hot to handle was 0:19:10.240 --> 0:19:13.080 when I was nineteen, So it was before. It was 0:19:13.119 --> 0:19:16.280 before this guy. Too hot to handle was before this guy. 0:19:16.640 --> 0:19:21.560 This guy was like last year, babe. 0:19:22.320 --> 0:19:22.800 I know. 0:19:24.320 --> 0:19:26.320 That is so recent, so recent? 0:19:26.880 --> 0:19:28.320 Okay, can I ask you a question? 0:19:28.520 --> 0:19:28.879 Ask it. 0:19:29.080 --> 0:19:31.679 This is an almost thirty five year old asking a 0:19:31.680 --> 0:19:34.320 twenty six year old. How do you know that you 0:19:34.400 --> 0:19:37.080 have not healed enough to be in another relationship already? 0:19:37.400 --> 0:19:39.560 I asked myself that a thousand times over. 0:19:39.760 --> 0:19:44.000 And that's no judgment, that's just a real question. Curious. 0:19:44.119 --> 0:19:47.719 I was so scared to get into Anopp relationship because 0:19:47.760 --> 0:19:49.760 I knew that I would put him in positions he 0:19:49.760 --> 0:19:51.760