Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners.
Speaker 2: Wherever you are in the world, it is so great
Speaker 2: to have you here. Back for another episode as we
Speaker 2: break down the psychology of our twenties. The older we get,
Speaker 2: the less fun we have. That is how it seems
Speaker 2: to go, or that is the narrative that I think
Speaker 2: society would like to tell us. Our twenties are often
Speaker 2: presented as this last decade for the kind of uninhibited
Speaker 2: joy and playfulness and recklessness that is very reminiscent of
Speaker 2: our childhood and our teen years. But once we kind
Speaker 2: of start getting up there, all of that is apparently
Speaker 2: meant to stop. Our life revolves around work and commitments,
Speaker 2: financial and family obligations, and that kind of slice of
Speaker 2: the pie that is devoted to personal freedom and playfulness
Speaker 2: is meant to get smaller and smaller. Here's what I believe.
Speaker 2: I think that we and the world in general do
Speaker 2: not appreciate the value of play. Way into adulthood, we
Speaker 2: do not really prioritize space in our life to be
Speaker 2: unproductively social, to just hang out and be silly, to
Speaker 2: be adventurous and imaginative, because there is so much that
Speaker 2: takes up our focus. And I think that is why
Speaker 2: a lot of us seem to feel like the older
Speaker 2: we get, the less joy there is in life. We're
Speaker 2: losing this sense of wonder, We're losing out on something vital.
Speaker 2: Despite that, there are so many proven benefits of play.
Speaker 2: Stronger relationships, better friendships, reduce stress, greater creativity, better overall happiness.
Speaker 2: So today I want to really present to you my
Speaker 2: argument for bringing back play dates for adults. When we
Speaker 2: were kids and we would like have our parents call
Speaker 2: around to our friends' houses and you know, schedule an
Speaker 2: afternoon together, and the hours would you know swim past.
Speaker 2: It was so delightful and it was so fun to
Speaker 2: just literally spend hours not doing much, but doing it
Speaker 2: with somebody else. And we all know that's harder. Now
Speaker 2: we don't hang out like we used to. There are
Speaker 2: a lot of factors to blame. Technology is always the
Speaker 2: first culprit, but also just how busy we are the
Speaker 2: time constraints and the societal beliefs about what it means
Speaker 2: to be an adult. We are meant to be serious
Speaker 2: and we're meant to be mature, and that kind of
Speaker 2: creates a lot of psychological restraints as well, like the
Speaker 2: fear of judgment or guilt and the conditioned behavior that
Speaker 2: comes along with that to be more mature and responsible
Speaker 2: and professional. But today we are going to break down
Speaker 2: what psychology has to say about the value of play,
Speaker 2: how important it is to have unstructured moments where you
Speaker 2: just hang out with others, even when we feel silly
Speaker 2: about doing it, why we might be missing out, and
Speaker 2: how we can actually bring back this spark and this
Speaker 2: energy into our lives. We are also going to talk
Speaker 2: about concepts like parallel play, play personalities, extraversion, introversion, ambi version,
Speaker 2: and so much more. I cannot tell you how excited
Speaker 2: I am for this episode. I feel like so many
Speaker 2: of us already know this to be true. We are
Speaker 2: craving more in person opportunities for connection. We're craving more
Speaker 2: ways to really disconnect from reality for a little while
Speaker 2: and just get back to that childhood wonder and awe
Speaker 2: and joy and enjoyment and hopefully this persuades you even
Speaker 2: more so, convinces you even more so that this is
Speaker 2: something that you need to implement in your own life. So,
Speaker 2: without further ado, let's talk about what I believe for
Speaker 2: all the highly compelling reasons why we should be bringing
Speaker 2: back adult play dates. As always, let's start super simple here.
Speaker 2: Let's start from the beginning. Why do we actually need play?
Speaker 2: When we kind of think about our hierarchy of needs
Speaker 2: as human beings, things like food and water, safety, belonging, community, love, money,
Speaker 2: they all seem fairly obvious. Play less, so, especially as adults,
Speaker 2: play really falls off of our list of essentials, even
Speaker 2: our list of extras or luxuries. For children, we understand
Speaker 2: it's a bit more valuable. Play is actually quite essential
Speaker 2: to how children learn those fine and gross motor skills,
Speaker 2: They learn how to socialize and collaborate, develop their imagination
Speaker 2: and abstract thinking. Kind of get the picture. There were
Speaker 2: some really fast papers and articles written in the late
Speaker 2: nineties and early two thousands that suggested that play deprivation
Speaker 2: or play deficiency, children who were not allowed to play
Speaker 2: freely as children perhaps grew up to have less empathy,
Speaker 2: more difficulty forming social bonds. How did they discover this.
Speaker 2: They looked at mass shooters and people who were incarcerated
Speaker 2: and people who had done jail time, and they compared
Speaker 2: their level of free play as children to a separate
Speaker 2: sample of people who hadn't done sheell time. And what
Speaker 2: they found was one of the differences was this capacity
Speaker 2: to be playful and this capacity to be free as children. Obviously,
Speaker 2: there were a ton of other factors associated with that
Speaker 2: as well, but the presence or absence of play and
Speaker 2: the quality of play, particularly in childhood development, does have
Speaker 2: proven long term impacts on our emotional intelligence, our resilience,
Speaker 2: even things like brain size. Even more evidence showing us
Speaker 2: that parts of our brains that are most developed in
Speaker 2: those early years between like eighteen months to eight years
Speaker 2: are the ones that respond best to the kind of
Speaker 2: active experience induced by being playful. It's all about the
Speaker 2: neural connections that play builds through problem solving and creating
Speaker 2: and imaginating and also cooperating. That makes it so valuable.
Speaker 2: But does that end when we turn eighteen? You know,
Speaker 2: have we done? Has play kind of done all that
Speaker 2: it can for us? Those neural systems are in place now,
Speaker 2: it's time to get serious. We don't need it anymore.
Speaker 2: You know, it's done what it's good for. Obviously, I
Speaker 2: don't think so, absolutely not. Play is not just frivolous,
Speaker 2: and it's not just for kids. It's something that is
Speaker 2: an inherent part of our human nature, probably even our
Speaker 2: animal nature as well. It might seem like a waste
Speaker 2: of time or unproductive, but there was this really fascinating
Speaker 2: New York Times article that put it this way. That
Speaker 2: is the whole point, that is the whole point of play,
Speaker 2: is that it is silly and unproductive and a quote
Speaker 2: unquote waste of time. Play is a way of deliberately
Speaker 2: bringing about joy without that joy being attached to some
Speaker 2: specific goal or requirement. It is just like fun for
Speaker 2: the sake of fun, whereas so much about our adult
Speaker 2: lives is goal or outcome orientated. You know, we ride
Speaker 2: our bikes because we want to lose weight. We go
Speaker 2: to pilates class to get in shape, We do work
Speaker 2: trivia to maintain social connections. We cook simply to feed ourselves.
Speaker 2: Everything that perhaps used to bring us joy as children
Speaker 2: or even as teenagers becomes something that is part of
Speaker 2: a broader goal and kind of part of a broader
Speaker 2: structure and routine. But when we are doing things like
Speaker 2: playing frisbee in the park or I don't know, mermaids
Speaker 2: in the pool, or charades with our friends, even video games,
Speaker 2: we're kind of stepping back from the structure of our
Speaker 2: days lives. And it's within those daily lives that we
Speaker 2: often are kind of forced to follow a set of
Speaker 2: rules or forced to need to be ticking something off
Speaker 2: of our to do list. When we give ourselves those
Speaker 2: opportunities to take a step back, to enjoy the moment,
Speaker 2: to be silly, we're channeling this in a child version
Speaker 2: of us that still exists, and we're bringing them to
Speaker 2: the surface and with it we're bringing a sense of
Speaker 2: wonder and a new excitement to things. We're kind of
Speaker 2: turning off the stress tap, I would say, for just
Speaker 2: a second being present, and of course when playtime involves
Speaker 2: a friend, the benefits just skyrocket. So that's why the
Speaker 2: adult playdate needs to make a comeback. And by adult playdate,
Speaker 2: I mean times where we go to each other's houses
Speaker 2: or the park or the beach with the attention of
Speaker 2: creating and doing something unseerious and inherently in joy like
Speaker 2: ar like scrapbooking, lego, board games, make believe, playing Tiggy,
Speaker 2: hide and Seek, PowerPoint nights. I see that on TikTok
Speaker 2: all the time, and I'm going to say, I'm somebody
Speaker 2: who adopts this as part of my life. And there
Speaker 2: is something so sweet about feeling like a kid again.
Speaker 2: It is one of those weird things that have greatly
Speaker 2: improved my mental health. Getting to be childish with your friends.
Speaker 2: It feels equally nostalgic and fulfilling. When I was still
Speaker 2: living in Canberra, well into being an adult, me and
Speaker 2: a group of friends used to have a weekly game
Speaker 2: of Sardines. And if you don't know this game, it's
Speaker 2: where one player goes and hides and all the others
Speaker 2: have to find them and like sardine up to them.
Speaker 2: It's like the opposite of Hide and Seek. And those
Speaker 2: moments are so joyous and they are such treasured memories.
Speaker 2: And nowadays I like to incorporate it through doing things
Speaker 2: like Lego with my boyfriend, Like we recently did an
Speaker 2: Lego set, and when I tell you, we were giggling,
Speaker 2: we were so focused, we were enjoying it so much.
Speaker 2: I did not think about work. I did not think
Speaker 2: about life for even a second, and there are so
Speaker 2: few circumstances where we get that feeling. On top of that,
Speaker 2: the reason why I think adult play dates need to
Speaker 2: make a comeback is because friendships become even harder during
Speaker 2: this decade, and there's a lot of evidence that unstructured
Speaker 2: time is what we actually need to improve our relationships.
Speaker 2: Because when when it's such a structured activity, when it's
Speaker 2: such a structured hangout, like we are going to dinner
Speaker 2: and we have to talk for two hours and I'm
Speaker 2: going to be that's my time to be social, we're
Speaker 2: still feeling like we need to be on. But when
Speaker 2: the hangout is unstructured, it has been proven to create
Speaker 2: a deeper connection, a deeper bond. It also ensures that
Speaker 2: we have more shared memories the older we get, ones
Speaker 2: that we can really reminisce on the same way that
Speaker 2: we tend to be nostalgic for our childhood memories. There's
Speaker 2: less sense of obligation, which I think we all need,
Speaker 2: and it's just less effort because there is this joint
Speaker 2: activity that we're doing together and it's typically cheaper than
Speaker 2: having drinks and dinner. You know that can cost like
Speaker 2: sixty dollars a person seventy dollars a person. But I
Speaker 2: also think that we can do a bit better in
Speaker 2: maintaining our social lives than sitting in a busy, loud,
Speaker 2: too dark restaurant for two hours once a fortnight and
Speaker 2: thinking that that it's going to help us maintain a relationship.
Speaker 2: There is a lot of evidence that as a generation
Speaker 2: and as a society, we need that, especially in our twenties.
Speaker 2: There is this developmental and social shift that occurs when
Speaker 2: we hit our twenties. I think our mid twenties in particular,
Speaker 2: where we suddenly enter environments and specifically, I think a
Speaker 2: life chapter that no longer promotes being effortlessly social. It
Speaker 2: becomes very deliberate, restrictive, time constrained, and the things that
Speaker 2: are restraining, that is responsibilities, and the responsibilities put pressure
Speaker 2: on our limited mental resources, meaning that we're busy, we
Speaker 2: are burnt out, we're often stressed. If you think about it,
Speaker 2: when you were a teenager, like running around during the
Speaker 2: summer or after school or on the weekends, and you
Speaker 2: had no money, you didn't have a nine to five,
Speaker 2: Your biggest worry was your homework. You kind of had
Speaker 2: to make the most of what you had, so you
Speaker 2: were more creative and you probably had a lot more fun.
Speaker 2: It wasn't just that we were younger, it was also
Speaker 2: that time and history before the invention of such an
Speaker 2: omnipresent technology. And what I'm referring to is of course
Speaker 2: our phones. And you know what, I Am not going
Speaker 2: to be somebody who sits here and puts all the
Speaker 2: blame on technology, because I actually think it's had a
Speaker 2: lot of benefits. But it has also meant that we
Speaker 2: can swap face to face interactions with texting and sending
Speaker 2: each other tiktoks and interacting from our couches. We just
Speaker 2: spend a lot less time together. And we've seen that
Speaker 2: since the late two thousands, that is when the decline
Speaker 2: really rapidly started to take off. We aren't seeing people
Speaker 2: as much anymore. And the times when people do see
Speaker 2: each other as in more structured environments like school or
Speaker 2: the workplace. So how do we actually know this well
Speaker 2: through this really cool resource called the American Time Use Survey.
Speaker 2: So this is an in depth measure of how the
Speaker 2: average American spends their time. So economists at the A
Speaker 2: to US, which is where the survey is conducted. They
Speaker 2: basically carefully track time spent socializing, meaning the time that
Speaker 2: we spend having face to face interactions, and they do
Speaker 2: that across more than a dozen demographics, multiple different areas,
Speaker 2: from a huge sample size, and what they've found year
Speaker 2: after year is that broadly, real world socializing has declined
Speaker 2: for all genders, all ages, all ethnicities, all incomes, all
Speaker 2: education levels, and definitely like something that we need to
Speaker 2: take account for is COVID nineteen, but we never bounced
Speaker 2: back from that period of isolation, and the trend towards
Speaker 2: isolation predates the pandemic. I feel like I don't need
Speaker 2: to list off, like why this is so concerning, right,
Speaker 2: but you know, it's more loneliness, more stress, more isolation,
Speaker 2: more mental health concerns. And it's only recently that the
Speaker 2: World Health Organization, you know, declared loneliness basically an epidemic,
Speaker 2: basically a pressing health threat. It's not just a personal problem,
Speaker 2: it's a collective problem. One of the really curious trends
Speaker 2: to jump out of that data that I was talking
Speaker 2: about before is that a lot of Americans, in particular
Speaker 2: that's where the study was conducted, have traded people for
Speaker 2: pets when it comes to social time. You know, in
Speaker 2: two thousand and three, the typical female pet owner spent
Speaker 2: much more time socializing with humans than playing with her
Speaker 2: cat or her dog, And by twenty twenty two this
Speaker 2: is flipped. The average woman with a pet now spends
Speaker 2: more time actively engaged with her pet than she spends
Speaker 2: hanging out face to face with humans. Here's the thing,
Speaker 2: what does a pet have to offer that may not
Speaker 2: always be on the table with others? Play like a
Speaker 2: constantly willing companion to hang out with, to have fun with.
Speaker 2: And you know, obviously they can't talk to us. It's
Speaker 2: not the same, but maybe that's what we're kind of
Speaker 2: after It is just a bit more fun. We also
Speaker 2: need to talk about some of the more psychological reasons
Speaker 2: we've stopped having designated time and space for play. I
Speaker 2: spoke about it before, But the older we get, the
Speaker 2: expectations around how we should behave change. Our behavior is
Speaker 2: more closely scrutinized. There's less room for mistakes. People want
Speaker 2: us to be mature and serious and responsible. Otherwise they
Speaker 2: might say we have peter Pan syndrome, or they might
Speaker 2: say that we're child But the more we hide the
Speaker 2: fact that we each of us having innate need to
Speaker 2: just literally have fun, the more of a habit it
Speaker 2: becomes through self policing and conditioning, until even when we
Speaker 2: have that opportunity, we can't actually draw on that playfulness.
Speaker 2: We can't draw on that joy. It's so locked away.
Speaker 2: And I think our imagination is a muscle and it's
Speaker 2: definitely weakened from a lack of use. I kind of
Speaker 2: experienced this recently. It was so interesting. I was catching
Speaker 2: up with an old friend from university, one of my
Speaker 2: old roommates, and we haven't seen each other in months,
Speaker 2: and we're goofing around and we're laughing, and this woman
Speaker 2: literally turned around. We were outdoors. She turned around and
Speaker 2: she shushed us. In public outside she shushed us, and
Speaker 2: she tutted at us. And that was exactly the example
Speaker 2: I needed for this episode of how society polices us
Speaker 2: and conditions us into being serious. And it made me
Speaker 2: quite sad. You know, we were two people who were
Speaker 2: obviously so excited to see each other, so full of
Speaker 2: love and delight and laughter, and that was annoying to
Speaker 2: her and I kind of, you know, I don't like
Speaker 2: to judge people in public, but I was a bit like, Wow,
Speaker 2: maybe you've lost your spark a little bit. Maybe you're
Speaker 2: having a bad day. I don't know, but it kind
Speaker 2: of proved a point that I had for myself. Right
Speaker 2: there was a bit of cognitive bias, confirmation bias happening,
Speaker 2: which is that we just don't know how to have
Speaker 2: fun the way that we used to. I think, despite
Speaker 2: all that, and despite our worries that if we were
Speaker 2: to be like, hey, friend, I want to have an
Speaker 2: adult play date, they might be like, that is really weird,
Speaker 2: and no one likes the feeling of being rejected. Despite that,
Speaker 2: despite the reasons not to do it, I think we
Speaker 2: need to make this happen, and I want to tell
Speaker 2: you exactly how we can do that, how we can
Speaker 2: bring play back into our social lives after this shortbreak.
Speaker 2: Play is a lot more scientific than you might think.
Speaker 2: I think we tend to assume it's just having fun,
Speaker 2: but you know, for one person, fun might be playing
Speaker 2: video games for eight hours straight, whereas you know for
Speaker 2: other people it's physical players, creative players, adventurous. If you
Speaker 2: want to have more adult play dates, if you want
Speaker 2: to center play in your life, as they think you should,
Speaker 2: even doing solo playdates, you need to know your play personality.
Speaker 2: So this idea of a play personality was created by
Speaker 2: like one of the grandfathers of play psychology, doctor Stuart Brown.
Speaker 2: He went on to create the National Institute for Play,
Speaker 2: which that is such a cool job, that's like a
Speaker 2: dream job title. But basically by observing children, teenagers, and
Speaker 2: importantly adults, he began to realize that how we enjoy
Speaker 2: our downtime is not the same for all of us.
Speaker 2: So if you want to connect with someone else through play,
Speaker 2: personalities kind of have to be aligned. And there are
Speaker 2: eight distinct play personalities that we can have. So let's
Speaker 2: go through them and just think about which of these
Speaker 2: might relate best to how you like to have fun.
Speaker 2: So the first one is the collector. The thrill of
Speaker 2: play for the collector is you know, collecting objects or experiences, trinkets, clothes, wine, coins, antiques.
Speaker 2: They might be a lot more solitary, but what they're
Speaker 2: really focused on is, you know, making a collection of
Speaker 2: things that they can feel proud of going out and
Speaker 2: sourcing these things, finding these things, and they often have
Speaker 2: really intense social connections with others who share this passion.
Speaker 2: Then we have the competitor. Competitors access the euphoria and
Speaker 2: the joy of play by participating in a competitive game
Speaker 2: with specific rules. They are not just playing for the
Speaker 2: sake of playing. They are playing to win. So if
Speaker 2: you like that, you know, keep score. If you like
Speaker 2: games in which you can win, I think that is
Speaker 2: probably going to be your primary play personality. This is
Speaker 2: people who really like playing in team sports. They might
Speaker 2: like single player video games where they might be like, oh,
Speaker 2: that wasn't fun unless I got something out of it,
Speaker 2: and the thing I got out of it was success.
Speaker 2: Then we have the creator slash artists play personality. And
Speaker 2: for this person the creator artist, the joy is found
Speaker 2: in just making things and they don't have to be good.
Speaker 2: It could be painting, pottery, sculpture, you know, knitting, sewing,
Speaker 2: even gardening is also included in this. And the thing
Speaker 2: is is that this creator artist type, they might never
Speaker 2: even show what they've created to the outside world. The
Speaker 2: point for them is just to make something, to make
Speaker 2: something maybe goop you know, beautiful or functional, sometimes like ridiculous,
Speaker 2: and and to make something that they enjoyed the process
Speaker 2: of making, not just for the sake of making. Then
Speaker 2: we have the director. Directors play by planning. They might
Speaker 2: enjoy you know, executing scenes or events. I always think
Speaker 2: about like a film director. Obviously, most people who have
Speaker 2: this play personality aren't even aware of their motive in
Speaker 2: playing this way. They just like having the power to
Speaker 2: make things happen. They like creating things by directing things.
Speaker 2: They're just kind of like born organizers. They are the
Speaker 2: party givers. They are the planners of great excursions. They
Speaker 2: bring people together, they create like really fun events. That's
Speaker 2: the director. Then we have the explorer, you know, exploring.
Speaker 2: I think that that you know, the name kind of
Speaker 2: says most of it. But it can be physical like
Speaker 2: literally you know, traveling, going on hikes, going on road trips.
Speaker 2: Or it can be emotional, you know, searching for a
Speaker 2: new feeling or deepening feeling through music, through movement. It
Speaker 2: might also be through exploration of a new subject. And
Speaker 2: this is what I found really interesting about this play
Speaker 2: personality is people who really like, I don't know, getting
Speaker 2: into a deep dive on Wikipedia, or who get really
Speaker 2: fixated on one specific subject for a while. That often
Speaker 2: has a lot of overlap with people who are neurodivergent
Speaker 2: as well. We have three more to go. We have
Speaker 2: the joker. The joker's play always revolves around like some
Speaker 2: kind of foolishness, like pranks or comedy or stand up
Speaker 2: that's like such a classic form of playfulness. Then we
Speaker 2: have the kinesthetic player. So these are people who like
Speaker 2: to move. Maybe they even need to move in order
Speaker 2: to think. They like to naturally push their bodies and
Speaker 2: feel the result. Obviously, run clubs at the moment are
Speaker 2: a huge thing. A lot of kinesthetic players are probably
Speaker 2: really drawn to that, you know, yoga dance. They just
Speaker 2: like the openness of it all. They you know, competition
Speaker 2: isn't really the main focus. They just like engaging in
Speaker 2: play through movement. And finally, we have the storyteller. So
Speaker 2: imagination is really the key to the joy that this
Speaker 2: person gets from play. They might be you know, novelist,
Speaker 2: always writing stories or watching movies or you know, writing
Speaker 2: screenplays or making cartoons. They feel really engaged in stories
Speaker 2: and they experience the thoughts and the emotions of these
Speaker 2: characters in the story really intensely. People who are performers
Speaker 2: are often storytellers. So people who like acting or giving
Speaker 2: lectures or poetry or whatever, normally they have the storyteller,
Speaker 2: play personality. So these are the eight play personalities. And
Speaker 2: you know what I love about the play personalities. They
Speaker 2: reveal to import aspects of this that we haven't spoken
Speaker 2: about before. Play is firstly more than we think it is.
Speaker 2: You know, it can be researching, it can be collecting,
Speaker 2: it can be daydreaming, it can be you know, physical movement,
Speaker 2: it can be exercising, whatever it is. I think that
Speaker 2: makes it so much more accessible. It's not just about
Speaker 2: being silly and chasing each other around. It's like quite
Speaker 2: intellectual and spiritual at times. And secondly, it goes to
Speaker 2: show that play isn't just social. It's also solo, and
Speaker 2: it's also parallel. And that last part is so important. Obviously,
Speaker 2: we're talking about adult play dates, so solo play is
Speaker 2: kind of on the back burner today. We really want
Speaker 2: to talk about playing with other people, playing nice with
Speaker 2: other people. We're going to return to that at a
Speaker 2: later date. But parallel play is one of my all
Speaker 2: time favorite concepts in psychology. It could even be number one.
Speaker 2: To be honest, I talk about this all the time.
Speaker 2: I think it has so many positive and hidden applications
Speaker 2: to our lives and especially to our twenties. So parallel play.
Speaker 2: We normally only hear it referred to in children, but
Speaker 2: you know who cares. We are all children at heart.
Speaker 2: It's basically a form of play where we play adjacent
Speaker 2: to someone else, so we don't try and influence their behavior.
Speaker 2: We're in the same room, but we're each doing something
Speaker 2: that we love, and we're deriving joy from that separately,
Speaker 2: but in parallel knowing that the other person is feeling
Speaker 2: lots of the samely and fascination and happiness next to you,
Speaker 2: so you're kind of sharing in the feeling but doing
Speaker 2: the activity separately. Parallel play is, in my mind, and
Speaker 2: maybe this is overstating things. Tell me if you think
Speaker 2: it is. I think it's one of the answers to
Speaker 2: rising loneliness in our society because it is so low effort.
Speaker 2: You still get to do what you love, and you
Speaker 2: still get to do what you enjoy, but you have company.
Speaker 2: So there are only two rules for parallel play. Firstly,
Speaker 2: you're both doing something that you enjoy as individuals, and secondly,
Speaker 2: you're not like completely ignoring each other. So one therapist
Speaker 2: put it this way, if one person is, you know,
Speaker 2: playing really intense immersive video games, and it doesn't matter
Speaker 2: to them whether their partner or their friend is in
Speaker 2: the room or not. That's not parallel play. It's like
Speaker 2: more deep than that. You invite a friend over for
Speaker 2: a movie and one of you scrap books whilst you knit.
Speaker 2: You know, you're at the beach reading whilst they're building
Speaker 2: a sand castle. You're separate but equally tapped into the
Speaker 2: same experience, the experience of play and doing it next
Speaker 2: to each other and still being involved with each other.
Speaker 2: There are a few other ways that we can really
Speaker 2: bring that parallel play into our lives, right inviting a
Speaker 2: friend over, like I said, to both do something separately
Speaker 2: that you were equally engaged in, or going to like
Speaker 2: a pottery class together. Going for a run together is
Speaker 2: the perfect example of parallel play. Like you are both
Speaker 2: on your own mission to get the run done and over.
Speaker 2: Maybe if you enjoy running, it's more enjoyable than that.
Speaker 2: But you know you're both doing the same thing, but
Speaker 2: you are doing it separately. You're not you know, one
Speaker 2: of you isn't moving one leg and the other person
Speaker 2: moving the other. You're enjoying the same experience in each
Speaker 2: other's presence, but doing it separately, if that makes sense.
Speaker 2: And it's so amazing how when you start implementing this
Speaker 2: you really see your relationships change because so often now
Speaker 2: I think socializing as an adult involves alcohol, involves structure,
Speaker 2: involves activities done at nighttime. And when we bring in
Speaker 2: parallel play, it's like we have more room to be
Speaker 2: creative and actually do something that's going to make us
Speaker 2: feel good at the end of the day and feel
Speaker 2: better and feel like our cup is really full. There
Speaker 2: are a few other ways that we can really bring
Speaker 2: play back to life. Literally, approach hanging out with your
Speaker 2: friends every time as a playdate and call it that, Like, say,
Speaker 2: do you want to come over and do an activity?
Speaker 2: Do you want to have a board games night? Do
Speaker 2: you want to do some arts and crafts? Make that
Speaker 2: the event, make that the playdate, be the instigator, and
Speaker 2: make it an experience. This is something that I think
Speaker 2: all of us need someone like this in our lives.
Speaker 2: Right the person who is going to be willing to
Speaker 2: put the extra effort in into making a hangout an
Speaker 2: activity feel like you are engaged and involved and like
Speaker 2: there are memories to be made there and you're really
Speaker 2: joyful and playing together. I would say, devote like a
Speaker 2: day once a fortnight to a playdate and be intentional
Speaker 2: about it. Make the extra ten percent of effort to
Speaker 2: switch from dinner and drinks to you know, a movie
Speaker 2: in a board game night, or go into a board
Speaker 2: game bar. Like those things exist. They're so fun. Join
Speaker 2: a social sport team. So me and my friends do
Speaker 2: this at the moment, and sometimes it's such a like
Speaker 2: such a hassle to get everyone to show up, but
Speaker 2: when you do, it's like, Okay, we have this one
Speaker 2: night a week that we feel obligated to go to,
Speaker 2: which sometimes is a bit stressful, but when we get there,
Speaker 2: we know we're going to have fun and I don't
Speaker 2: think about work once and our endorphins. You rise and
Speaker 2: we get a sweat up and we're laughing together. And
Speaker 2: it not only means that you see people more regularly
Speaker 2: because you have this thing that you go to together,
Speaker 2: but you actually are engaged in the experience of doing
Speaker 2: it with them, and you feel more present but also
Speaker 2: more relaxed, if that makes sense. And I think going
Speaker 2: back to that previous point because I kind of just
Speaker 2: hit on it briefly, but I want to go into
Speaker 2: it further, like I said before, be the instigator. Invite
Speaker 2: people in find community through what you love. First, if
Speaker 2: it's sport, if it's art, people are more likely to
Speaker 2: show up and do things that they want to do,
Speaker 2: especially if you make it exciting, and especially if you
Speaker 2: bring community into that process. The other thing that I've
Speaker 2: been really committed to, and especially on weekends when the
Speaker 2: weather isn't terrible, is all we're making it a priority
Speaker 2: to be outside, to kind of move a hangout to
Speaker 2: somewhere scenic or nature based. I get it so much
Speaker 2: easier in summer. So if you're like in the Northern hemisphere, congratulations,
Speaker 2: this is not too hard for you. But even like,
Speaker 2: choosing a physical activity indoors is so much more fun
Speaker 2: and more enriching, like especially when that's time in nature.
Speaker 2: The world is your playground. You get to go out
Speaker 2: and reconnect with who you are as a human and
Speaker 2: get some fresh air, and it's just joint experience and
Speaker 2: a special memory. I was speaking about this too a
Speaker 2: friend of mine the other day, and almost two years
Speaker 2: ago we went on this hike. Honestly, it was probably
Speaker 2: three years ago. We went on this hike together and
Speaker 2: it was totally out of routine for us, we don't
Speaker 2: do it that much. And anytime I think about, like
Speaker 2: my core memories and experiences with this person, I couldn't
Speaker 2: tell you, like the last place we got in, I
Speaker 2: couldn't tell you the last meal that we had together.
Speaker 2: But I always reflect on this hike and I reflect
Speaker 2: on how special, meaningful it was also run chores together.
Speaker 2: I am going to make an argument for the fact
Speaker 2: that chores are a form of play, and you can
Speaker 2: make them fun. And you can make them fun. You
Speaker 2: can make you can take something that is so adult
Speaker 2: and serious and often such a time commitment and enjoy
Speaker 2: it more when you approach it like you are a child.
Speaker 2: And when you approach it by bringing someone along and
Speaker 2: you know, chatting with them while you do it, making
Speaker 2: jokes in the aisles, and taking those everyday experiences and
Speaker 2: being deliberate about your choice to make them interesting and
Speaker 2: bringing in new dimension to them. That is a form
Speaker 2: of play. Farmers markets great opportunity for this. If you
Speaker 2: live near one, It is going to take you the
Speaker 2: same amount of time as you go to the grocery store.
Speaker 2: And maybe they won't have everything that you want or
Speaker 2: whatever that you know, whatever the problem is. But if
Speaker 2: you like invite friends and you go and do it there,
Speaker 2: it is that's a core memory there. That is a
Speaker 2: fun memory, that is a playful joy for wonderful time
Speaker 2: that you get to reflect back on together. Also engage
Speaker 2: in microplay, those small moments of glee games at the
Speaker 2: grocery store, in the parking lot with yourself, trying to
Speaker 2: avoid like the cracks in the road, like making funny voices,
Speaker 2: literally throwing a ball around at lunch. Those micro moments,
Speaker 2: like micro habits, build up and accumulate. They put you
Speaker 2: back in touch with your imagination and with your just
Speaker 2: genuine enjoyment of life. And I do think that every
Speaker 2: small moment where we let ourselves be free and we
Speaker 2: let ourselves be a kid again and we kind of
Speaker 2: shirk off the responsibilities of adulthood make us happier people
Speaker 2: and greatly reduce our stress as well. I just want
Speaker 2: to conclude this episode by saying, I get that play
Speaker 2: doesn't seem important and why we push it down our lists,
Speaker 2: But the people around you, when you provide them with
Speaker 2: the opportunity, they will really go for it. Everybody is
Speaker 2: really looking for opportunities to engage with people in a
Speaker 2: more meaningful way. Maybe it's like a hangover from the pandemic.
Speaker 2: I don't know, But all those things that we miss
Speaker 2: about our childhood selves, our creativity and our appreciation for
Speaker 2: the small things, even our energy, even our sense of hope,
Speaker 2: but also the fact that the friendships we made back
Speaker 2: then were so immediately important and valuable and fun. I
Speaker 2: think play is truly the answer to that. So however
Speaker 2: you find it in your life, please find a way
Speaker 2: to incorporate it, find a way to make it an
Speaker 2: essential the same way that you would make exercising in essential,
Speaker 2: or the same way that you would make going to
Speaker 2: work or going to the doctor and essential. Play is,
Speaker 2: in my mind, if you cannot tell one of those
Speaker 2: core self fulfillment and self actualation activities that we're neglecting.
Speaker 2: And although they haven't I don't know if there's been
Speaker 2: a study on this, I feel like it's contributing to
Speaker 2: a lot of the modern day problems that people are
Speaker 2: trying to find solutions for the fact that we are
Speaker 2: made to be too serious and too disengaged too early.
Speaker 2: So thank you so much for listening to this episode.
Speaker 2: I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you got something
Speaker 2: out of it. I hope that you are scheduling an
Speaker 2: adult playdate right now. Message your friends, see if you
Speaker 2: can get into a pottery class. See if you want
Speaker 2: to go to the beach this weekend. Go and play tennis.
Speaker 2: I don't care what it is, make it happen, and
Speaker 2: thank you for listening along. If you did enjoy this episode,
Speaker 2: please feel free to leave a five star review on
Speaker 2: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now. It
Speaker 2: helps the show to groote, it helps it reach new people,
Speaker 2: and it makes me really happy. I read every single
Speaker 2: one of your reviews. They really do make my day.
Speaker 2: If you have an episode suggestion, if you have any
Speaker 2: feedback on this episode, if you are thinking about more
Speaker 2: ways that we could bring play into your life that
Speaker 2: I didn't mention, please feel free to DM me at
Speaker 2: that psychology podcast on Instagram. I'd love to hear from you.
Speaker 2: And until next time, stay safe, be kind, and be
Speaker 2: gentle to yourself. Please and thank you. We will talk
Speaker 2: very very soon.