WEBVTT - Domestic Abuse: When Love Turns Violent 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:02.480 Hey, fam I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the 0:00:02.480 --> 0:00:05.840 Red Table Talk Podcast, all your favorite episodes from the 0:00:05.840 --> 0:00:10.000 Facebook watch show in audio produced by Westbrook Audio and 0:00:10.119 --> 0:00:13.080 I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review 0:00:13.400 --> 0:00:18.599 on Apple Podcasts. I knew that my mother and my 0:00:18.680 --> 0:00:21.720 father had a very violent relationship early on. She has 0:00:21.760 --> 0:00:24.000 a couple of scars on our body that as a child, 0:00:24.120 --> 0:00:25.960 I was just curious. I was like, oh, mom, me, 0:00:26.040 --> 0:00:28.400 what's that? What's that? And she's like, oh, well, you know, 0:00:28.960 --> 0:00:31.880 my mother wasn't one to not tell the truth. This 0:00:31.920 --> 0:00:35.839 will be the first time that Willow's actually heard these 0:00:35.880 --> 0:00:40.519 stories about her grandfather, who she knew. Domestic violence is 0:00:40.560 --> 0:00:45.160 something that affects so many women, and this was one 0:00:45.159 --> 0:00:49.720 of the most requested topics from our Red Table Talk families. 0:00:49.800 --> 0:01:01.200 Here we are, Hey, red Table Talk family. How are 0:01:01.240 --> 0:01:06.039 you doing today? We're talking about a pretty serious subject matter, 0:01:06.319 --> 0:01:10.920 domestic violence and abuse some relationships. Jamie had at least 0:01:11.080 --> 0:01:16.080 one abusive relationship before I was born and even a 0:01:16.120 --> 0:01:21.080 bit after I was born with my father. What was 0:01:21.160 --> 0:01:27.280 the worst incident that you experience with my father? Oh? 0:01:27.319 --> 0:01:31.560 There were so many really, like I have a scar 0:01:31.680 --> 0:01:34.200 on my back. That's when I you know what, when 0:01:34.280 --> 0:01:38.840 I asked you about that years ago, that's when I 0:01:38.959 --> 0:01:41.600 first heard because that's the scar when he threw you 0:01:41.640 --> 0:01:45.600 over the banister. Wow. And not to make this like 0:01:45.640 --> 0:01:47.840 an excuse, because I'm getting ready to make it sound 0:01:47.840 --> 0:01:50.480 like it's an excuse for him, but he was typically 0:01:50.520 --> 0:01:54.040 in an altered state when he was abusive like that, 0:01:56.840 --> 0:01:59.240 a violent drawn See. I was a violent drunk too, 0:01:59.240 --> 0:02:01.639 That's what I had. Yeah, he was a violent drunk. 0:02:01.920 --> 0:02:04.920 He gave me a black eye once, Yeah, and I 0:02:04.960 --> 0:02:07.320 tried to hide it for mommy, but she saw it 0:02:08.280 --> 0:02:14.080 the first time she ever met Rob. She said, you 0:02:14.120 --> 0:02:17.000 need to stay away from this guy because I can 0:02:17.080 --> 0:02:20.360 see in his eyes something is wrong with him. Something 0:02:20.440 --> 0:02:23.639 is wrong at home. My mother was a social worker. 0:02:25.560 --> 0:02:28.240 But I do know when enough gets to be enough 0:02:29.960 --> 0:02:33.000 and you gotta get out of there. And I actually 0:02:33.120 --> 0:02:37.079 ran for my life. You ran for your life. Well, 0:02:37.320 --> 0:02:41.160 what happened was he was angry about something. He came 0:02:41.200 --> 0:02:44.760 home angry. You and I were at mommy and Daddy's 0:02:44.800 --> 0:02:48.760 house and he came over there and he was piste 0:02:48.760 --> 0:02:52.000 off about something. I don't even remember what the argument 0:02:52.040 --> 0:02:56.160 was about, but he started hitting me and he was 0:02:56.360 --> 0:03:01.480 in a rage. I was backing out of Daddy's den 0:03:01.919 --> 0:03:06.640 into the master bedroom right and you were still in 0:03:06.680 --> 0:03:11.960 the den, and I said, oh my god, we left, Jada, 0:03:12.200 --> 0:03:15.520 and I knew that he wasn't gonna hurt you. He 0:03:15.680 --> 0:03:18.120 left the room to go get you, and I went 0:03:18.200 --> 0:03:21.600 through the bedroom, out the master bath and down the 0:03:21.680 --> 0:03:25.280 steps and ran across the street to the neighbor. Got 0:03:25.320 --> 0:03:30.320 it right across the street to neighbor for them to 0:03:30.960 --> 0:03:35.960 call get me some help. And yeah, they called the police, 0:03:36.000 --> 0:03:37.880 and I stayed over there because I knew you that 0:03:37.960 --> 0:03:39.720 you were gonna be okay. I knew he wasn't gonna 0:03:39.760 --> 0:03:42.800 harm you. When the when the police arrived, they were 0:03:42.840 --> 0:03:46.240 coming in, and that was it, right, you know. My 0:03:46.320 --> 0:03:50.600 mommy was like, that's that's enough of that. We're done with. 0:03:50.800 --> 0:03:54.280 Kudos to her, Yeah, we're done here. And I was 0:03:54.320 --> 0:03:56.760 in full agreement. I wasn't trying to, you know, I 0:03:56.880 --> 0:03:58.720 just wasn't trying to deal with anymore because he was 0:03:58.800 --> 0:04:03.520 just out of control, his addiction just he just wasn't rational. 0:04:03.680 --> 0:04:06.080 I feel like, once again I'm trying to make excuses 0:04:06.120 --> 0:04:10.320 for him, and I think that's what people do. But whatever, 0:04:10.440 --> 0:04:12.560 the reasons were you have to at the end of 0:04:12.560 --> 0:04:16.159 the day yourself. That's an excuse. I think that's you 0:04:16.279 --> 0:04:19.400 giving a complete picture because I know that once he 0:04:19.480 --> 0:04:24.960 did get sober, he was really a gentle experiences with 0:04:25.040 --> 0:04:28.039 him that are very good, Yeah, but I mean he 0:04:28.120 --> 0:04:30.320 had his problems. We all know that he had issues 0:04:30.360 --> 0:04:33.280 and he did not have a pleasant upbringing. But I 0:04:33.320 --> 0:04:45.320 do know that when we decided, yeah, it's okay, it's okay, sweetie. 0:04:46.560 --> 0:04:54.839 That's the only thing about this table being around, it's okay. 0:04:51.440 --> 0:05:00.000 You know. It's not easy for a lot of different reasons. 0:05:00.040 --> 0:05:07.719 M hmm. It's not easy to hear that your parents 0:05:07.760 --> 0:05:12.640 experienced that together. And also for me to the fact 0:05:12.640 --> 0:05:18.120 that he's gone and can't see his side side. And 0:05:18.120 --> 0:05:21.479 that's the other thing. Now that I'm older, I have 0:05:21.560 --> 0:05:25.800 so much more compassion, right and knowing what he had 0:05:25.920 --> 0:05:29.279 gone through, right, you know, because I was pretty harsh 0:05:29.320 --> 0:05:32.360 on him. Well don't think we all were. It's hard 0:05:32.400 --> 0:05:35.440 not to be. But you know that's why I try 0:05:35.480 --> 0:05:40.200 to learn to, uh have more understanding, you know, can 0:05:40.200 --> 0:05:44.560 we get some tissue? I have some summer here? But um, 0:05:45.000 --> 0:05:50.039 why do you think women stay? I think women stay 0:05:50.120 --> 0:05:54.359 because they think that they're in love. That's what it was. 0:05:54.440 --> 0:05:58.200 For me. I thought that it was love. But I 0:05:58.279 --> 0:06:03.040 also think that women are afraid and for whatever reason, 0:06:03.520 --> 0:06:06.279 maybe they feel like they can't make it on their 0:06:06.279 --> 0:06:10.800 own without the person not having any place to go, 0:06:11.040 --> 0:06:13.479 it's scary, and you just don't think that you can 0:06:13.560 --> 0:06:19.080 do better. You and Karen, your sister, both were in 0:06:19.279 --> 0:06:24.479 very abusive relationships, and I just find that interesting because 0:06:24.800 --> 0:06:26.720 we didn't see that. You didn't see that. I didn't 0:06:26.720 --> 0:06:29.000 see that. Mommy and Daddy weren't like that at all, 0:06:29.360 --> 0:06:32.320 like in your home. Yeah, I was young, but I 0:06:32.400 --> 0:06:35.799 don't know where I got the concept in my head 0:06:37.200 --> 0:06:43.880 that to hit you was a sign of love. So 0:06:44.000 --> 0:06:46.560 if he if he's hitting you, then that means he 0:06:46.640 --> 0:06:50.400 loves you, because he wouldn't bother if he didn't love you, 0:06:50.680 --> 0:06:53.960 So that means he loves you. I've never really had 0:06:54.000 --> 0:06:59.960 any personal experience in regards to like a physical abuse. 0:07:00.000 --> 0:07:04.719 Have definitely been in relationships that have been emotionally abusive, Yeah, 0:07:04.920 --> 0:07:09.720 big time. I think emotional violence is really prevalent because 0:07:10.720 --> 0:07:13.680 most of us, once we get into relationships, we're really 0:07:13.720 --> 0:07:16.040 trying to learn how to love, and most of us 0:07:16.040 --> 0:07:20.760 are very insecure about it, and our defense mechanisms tend 0:07:20.840 --> 0:07:25.960 to be a bit violent and harsh and controlling. Yeah, 0:07:26.000 --> 0:07:30.120 and if you're controlling somebody, you're not really loving them, 0:07:30.200 --> 0:07:36.000 because the gift of love encompasses freedom, Yes, exactly. I 0:07:36.080 --> 0:07:38.440 just think it's so interesting because you know, the idea 0:07:38.520 --> 0:07:40.920 is that if you grow up in an abusive home, 0:07:42.280 --> 0:07:45.680 then that's kind of what creates that cycle. And I 0:07:45.760 --> 0:07:48.560 know for me, I never witnessed any guys that you 0:07:48.600 --> 0:07:53.040 were dealing with when I was around. Was Yeah, there 0:07:53.080 --> 0:07:56.360 was no physical because once I had that experience with Rob, 0:07:56.400 --> 0:07:59.000 I wouldn't accept it from anybody else, so that you 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:01.760 only had it with Russell when that was it? Yeah, 0:08:01.760 --> 0:08:05.760 because I know for me, you remember that one incident 0:08:05.840 --> 0:08:09.400 I had with that one guy that I was dating 0:08:09.760 --> 0:08:11.400 where I had to pull a knife out on him. 0:08:12.120 --> 0:08:16.560 Right we were coming from a restaurant. He had been 0:08:16.640 --> 0:08:21.400 drinking and he was driving and he started getting really 0:08:21.520 --> 0:08:24.160 aggressive in the car. And this is why I always 0:08:24.200 --> 0:08:28.680 tell you pay attention to your surroundings just in case 0:08:28.720 --> 0:08:31.640 you gotta make a quick exit. And thank goodness, I 0:08:31.720 --> 0:08:33.880 knew where I was and I knew how to get 0:08:33.880 --> 0:08:36.720 out the car and get to the house. And I 0:08:36.840 --> 0:08:39.400 ran to the house. I had to take my clothes off, 0:08:39.440 --> 0:08:42.600 take off my heels, and I always travel with a 0:08:42.679 --> 0:08:47.800 black Russell hoodie and black Russell sweats just in case 0:08:47.840 --> 0:08:49.840 something prop First of all, it is my favorite outfit. 0:08:50.920 --> 0:08:54.960 Something goals, something's popping off. And I remember jumping in 0:08:55.000 --> 0:08:58.040 that sweatsuit, grabbing a big old knife from the kitchen 0:08:58.120 --> 0:09:01.000 and hiding in his son's room. And I never forget 0:09:01.559 --> 0:09:04.880 he came through the backsliding door like on a creepy 0:09:04.920 --> 0:09:07.160 creep creep, like he was gonna like sneak up on 0:09:07.280 --> 0:09:09.120 me or something like that. And I heard him, and 0:09:09.520 --> 0:09:12.840 I came out of his son's bedroom and I was 0:09:12.920 --> 0:09:15.319 at the bottom of the hallway and I was like, 0:09:16.360 --> 0:09:19.760 don't come near me. And he said the quintessential line 0:09:19.760 --> 0:09:22.520 that you're hearing movies all the time. You think I 0:09:22.520 --> 0:09:26.320 would hurt you. Yeah, I would. I would never do 0:09:26.400 --> 0:09:28.040 that to you. And I mean, I was like, oh 0:09:28.080 --> 0:09:33.320 my god, I'm in trouble. And you know what, Spike 0:09:33.400 --> 0:09:36.040 Lee saved me from that one. Because Spike had been 0:09:36.080 --> 0:09:38.920 calling me about Girl six. I used Spike as an 0:09:38.960 --> 0:09:42.440 excuse to get on that plane, and he said, right 0:09:42.480 --> 0:09:44.160 there and there I'll never see you again. Will. I 0:09:44.600 --> 0:09:47.800 absolutely we're gonna we're gonna figure this out. We're gonna 0:09:47.840 --> 0:09:50.480 work this out. You know. I got on that plane 0:09:50.480 --> 0:09:53.640 and he never saw me again until I was with 0:09:53.720 --> 0:09:59.200 Will Smith. That's when I saw. We were at a 0:09:59.200 --> 0:10:01.240 wedding and he he was at the same resort, and 0:10:01.240 --> 0:10:03.000 I happened to be with Will and that was it. 0:10:03.240 --> 0:10:06.240 And not a bad guy at all, very sweet guy, 0:10:06.440 --> 0:10:11.280 but just has those tendencies of violence. But you know 0:10:11.480 --> 0:10:14.400 that that was all the sign I needed, exactly, That 0:10:14.480 --> 0:10:18.640 was all the sign I needed. Have you ever Willow 0:10:18.920 --> 0:10:25.559 encountered anything or I've never encountered anything myself, because You've 0:10:25.600 --> 0:10:29.920 always told me, like, don't be out with no guys late, 0:10:30.040 --> 0:10:33.480 don't be going in their house. So I'm very cautious 0:10:33.520 --> 0:10:35.760 about all those things. I just try to tell her 0:10:35.840 --> 0:10:40.240 to be vigilant in regards to how she spends time 0:10:40.280 --> 0:10:43.880 with male company. Exactly. I know that when we decided 0:10:44.080 --> 0:10:46.840 to talk about this, we also decided to bring a 0:10:46.920 --> 0:10:50.040 friend of yours, Crystal and her daughter, who had some 0:10:50.160 --> 0:11:00.840 recent experience with domestic violence. Can we get Crystal please? Hey, Crystal, 0:11:00.880 --> 0:11:04.520 thank you so much for joining us, because I know 0:11:04.920 --> 0:11:08.120 it ain't easy. Yeah, it ain't easy. But the one 0:11:08.160 --> 0:11:11.160 thing about this red Table is that our testimonies help others. 0:11:11.960 --> 0:11:15.440 So let's start first with how you two know each other. 0:11:16.080 --> 0:11:19.920 Crystal is one of the most popular hairstyl is in 0:11:20.040 --> 0:11:25.720 Baltimore because she's my hairstyling. And I went into the 0:11:25.760 --> 0:11:30.720 salon one day and her eye it was messed up, 0:11:31.040 --> 0:11:35.679 and I was like, what the hell happened to your eye? 0:11:35.720 --> 0:11:40.440 And she didn't say right away you She was like oh, 0:11:40.520 --> 0:11:43.440 and I knew right then it was something that she 0:11:43.480 --> 0:11:48.560 didn't really want to talk about. Right. I was just like, 0:11:48.720 --> 0:11:52.040 oh my god, like, I can't lie. It's like lying 0:11:52.120 --> 0:11:56.440 to my mom. I just love this man so much. 0:11:57.280 --> 0:12:01.840 And I had to leave the situation and it was toxic. Um. 0:12:02.240 --> 0:12:05.040 We were just back and forth. It was so much 0:12:05.160 --> 0:12:08.240 cheating and lying, and I knew I had to, you know, 0:12:08.320 --> 0:12:12.200 get away, and so I loved him and he called 0:12:12.280 --> 0:12:14.240 me and he said, I need to see you. I 0:12:14.280 --> 0:12:16.200 need to see you. It's always the same story. I 0:12:16.200 --> 0:12:18.120 need to see you, and I'm like, I don't want 0:12:18.160 --> 0:12:21.120 to talk. I don't we can't talk. He ended up 0:12:21.120 --> 0:12:24.000 meeting up with me. He got in the car kind 0:12:24.000 --> 0:12:27.200 of like force itself, and he was just like, I 0:12:27.320 --> 0:12:29.760 told you that you cannot be without me, or you 0:12:29.800 --> 0:12:32.959 can't be with anybody. And I'm like, listen, I'm done, 0:12:33.000 --> 0:12:35.520 i can't. And then all of a sudden, he just 0:12:35.960 --> 0:12:38.439 like slams me towards the back of the car and 0:12:38.480 --> 0:12:42.320 he just like punches me. All of a sudden, I 0:12:42.400 --> 0:12:45.240 just felt all of this blood coming down my face 0:12:45.320 --> 0:12:48.840 and I'm just like please stop, like please stop. And 0:12:48.880 --> 0:12:52.240 I ended up going to the emergency room. I had 0:12:52.280 --> 0:12:55.040 to get stitches. And her I remember looking at my daughter. 0:12:56.840 --> 0:13:00.520 She was like, it's just what you want me to 0:13:00.600 --> 0:13:04.960 do when I get older, and I'm just like, oh 0:13:05.000 --> 0:13:07.880 my god, no, and she's like, well, when don't you 0:13:07.880 --> 0:13:11.440 want to stop because I'm gonna do the same thing. 0:13:11.679 --> 0:13:14.240 And I'm like I'm sorry. Like I just was like 0:13:14.280 --> 0:13:16.840 I'm gonna stop, I promise. And it was just so 0:13:16.880 --> 0:13:19.920 hard because I just felt like he loved me and 0:13:20.000 --> 0:13:22.679 I loved him, and he kept saying he loved me. First, 0:13:22.720 --> 0:13:26.480 he was charming, you know, he was carrying. He would 0:13:26.559 --> 0:13:30.680 just bring his neck for me, and then the tables 0:13:30.720 --> 0:13:33.800 just kind of turned. How long were you in the 0:13:33.840 --> 0:13:38.040 relationship for it was on and off for maybe um 0:13:38.120 --> 0:13:43.560 five years. I can only imagine what it feels like 0:13:43.800 --> 0:13:52.440 to love somebody fiercely and then have them punch you, yeah, 0:13:52.920 --> 0:13:56.400 and have them hit you. I haven't experienced it, but 0:13:56.559 --> 0:14:03.199 just me, I can feel you. My mom went through 0:14:03.200 --> 0:14:05.160 it when I was a little girl. We had so 0:14:05.240 --> 0:14:08.080 much makeup to like hide the scars. So I felt like, 0:14:08.200 --> 0:14:11.440 because my mom kept taking my dad back that you know, 0:14:11.720 --> 0:14:14.640 he loved her, I should do the same thing. And 0:14:14.679 --> 0:14:17.320 I just kept doing it and kept so. Had this 0:14:17.440 --> 0:14:21.240 happened more than once with you, Yes, from day one? 0:14:21.840 --> 0:14:24.680 You know. The first time when I decided to leave him. 0:14:24.720 --> 0:14:27.720 In the beginning, we got into a big fight and 0:14:27.760 --> 0:14:30.720 we were just tussling back and forth and we broke 0:14:30.800 --> 0:14:35.840 up and he was upset about that. So he decided 0:14:35.920 --> 0:14:40.400 to get me back. He released a not get a 0:14:40.440 --> 0:14:45.920 picture of me. Everyone saw the picture, even my daughter's friends, family, 0:14:46.720 --> 0:14:49.520 everybody saw the photo, and I was just like, how 0:14:49.560 --> 0:14:52.120 could you do something like this to me? So that's 0:14:52.200 --> 0:14:56.920 part of that control, sorry control, And he felt like 0:14:57.400 --> 0:15:01.160 in order to keep me, he would threaten to hurt me. 0:15:01.560 --> 0:15:04.480 He felt like if anyone saw these pictures of me, 0:15:04.520 --> 0:15:06.480 they wouldn't want to be with you. You know. He 0:15:06.520 --> 0:15:10.200 would always say nobody's gonna be with you because of me, 0:15:10.280 --> 0:15:12.960 like You're always gonna be with me, and I'm like, no, 0:15:13.160 --> 0:15:16.840 I'm I'm gonna leave. In all honesty, what gave you 0:15:16.880 --> 0:15:23.040 the strength this time to leave? I was in just 0:15:23.080 --> 0:15:26.040 the darkest space. I felt myself at times went and 0:15:26.200 --> 0:15:28.720 like kill myself, like I don't want to live. I'm tired, 0:15:28.800 --> 0:15:35.440 I'm depressed, I'm stressed. My mom is very ill and sorry, 0:15:35.520 --> 0:15:39.000 I just said I wasn't good right. We got tissue 0:15:39.120 --> 0:15:42.040 right here. I just always went to my mom for 0:15:42.240 --> 0:15:46.080 everything that went. I was swearing I couldn't go to 0:15:46.160 --> 0:15:48.640 her because I was so scared. You always told me 0:15:48.720 --> 0:15:51.200 to leave, and I always stayed because I'm like he 0:15:51.320 --> 0:15:53.320 loves me. He was calling me and he was like, 0:15:53.360 --> 0:15:55.120 I need to talk to you, and we had already 0:15:55.120 --> 0:15:58.200 broken up, and he was like, Okay, if you don't 0:15:58.200 --> 0:15:59.960 want to be with me anymore, I'm gonna put the 0:16:00.120 --> 0:16:01.520 when the end, and that it was a nothing that 0:16:01.600 --> 0:16:03.880 can picture of me. It's just like you're gonna do 0:16:03.960 --> 0:16:07.280 that to me again. It's just like, oh my gude. 0:16:07.440 --> 0:16:09.560 So I just said, you know what, I can't take it. 0:16:09.680 --> 0:16:11.960 I said, I'm gonna put myself out there at this point, 0:16:12.040 --> 0:16:14.320 and that's when I went in my phone and I 0:16:14.400 --> 0:16:17.320 boosted the picture of my black eye and the picture 0:16:17.360 --> 0:16:20.960 that everyone saw. I didn't think it was gonna get 0:16:21.000 --> 0:16:24.040 all of the responses it that. It was like women regional. 0:16:24.520 --> 0:16:26.400 They were just like, I've been doing the same thing. 0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:29.160 I'm sorry you went through this. What really touched me 0:16:29.200 --> 0:16:32.120 the most was my daughter had called me and she said, 0:16:32.160 --> 0:16:35.800 my ticket down. I said no, She said, take it 0:16:35.880 --> 0:16:38.480 down because you're gonna emburse me and you're gonna emburss 0:16:38.520 --> 0:16:41.480 yourself because you're gonna take him back. And I was like, 0:16:42.480 --> 0:16:45.160 I promised you, I won't take him back. At this point, 0:16:45.760 --> 0:16:48.720 mental and physical would beat all of it. Is just scary. 0:16:48.840 --> 0:16:52.200 It's in the mental part it's probably the hardest because 0:16:52.640 --> 0:16:55.360 you hold it in inside. You get into the thieves 0:16:55.720 --> 0:16:58.120 he's sitting, it's like you want to release it, but 0:16:58.280 --> 0:17:01.480 it's hard because people will ug you and call you crazy, 0:17:01.600 --> 0:17:04.240 but you're not crazy. It's hard to deal with. It's 0:17:04.280 --> 0:17:07.600 really hard, and it just helped me so much when 0:17:07.600 --> 0:17:11.520 I just released that, and that was finally the first 0:17:11.560 --> 0:17:15.080 time where he actually said I'm really gonna leave you 0:17:15.160 --> 0:17:18.399 alone because he was embarrassed. So let me just I 0:17:18.440 --> 0:17:20.320 want to be clear about something, because you just made 0:17:20.359 --> 0:17:25.880 a powerful, powerful, powerful point. Is that when you had 0:17:25.920 --> 0:17:29.000 the courage to come out and tell your story, other 0:17:29.160 --> 0:17:33.040 women rallied around you and gave you the strength to 0:17:33.119 --> 0:17:38.960 keep going. That's that's powerful. That just goes to show 0:17:39.000 --> 0:17:42.399 you what sister love will do. And they have no 0:17:42.480 --> 0:17:45.760 idea how much they have helped me. And I always 0:17:46.000 --> 0:17:48.359 would say, like, I have to get my power back, 0:17:48.480 --> 0:17:50.800 not just for myself, but for all the other women. 0:17:51.000 --> 0:17:53.000 And it seems like your daughter has been a strong, 0:17:53.040 --> 0:17:57.639 powerful for you too. Yes, your fourteen year old daughter, Selena, 0:17:58.359 --> 0:18:01.960 who's beautiful and one a full She and Willow got 0:18:02.000 --> 0:18:06.520 to sit down and have a conversation. Hi. Hi, I'm 0:18:06.600 --> 0:18:12.000 so glad you're here. I'm glad here too. This is 0:18:12.040 --> 0:18:19.400 my dad Selena. Hi, welcome, good, thank you, Hi, nice 0:18:19.440 --> 0:18:26.040 to meet you. Yeah, it doesn't look too good right 0:18:26.080 --> 0:18:28.760 now to jump in. I definitely used to jump in. 0:18:29.880 --> 0:18:33.520 I can't even imagine how it must feel to see 0:18:33.560 --> 0:18:36.760 your mother, you know, go through the experiences that she's 0:18:36.840 --> 0:18:40.879 been through. Yes, it was very stressful because me and 0:18:40.920 --> 0:18:44.000 my mom didn't have a relationship through all the things, 0:18:44.040 --> 0:18:46.840 because it was like she was putting him first, or 0:18:46.960 --> 0:18:50.760 like I was I was getting pushed back, and or 0:18:50.800 --> 0:18:53.440 she went and listened to me. I was like a goops, 0:18:53.760 --> 0:18:57.399 do you think you were afraid of him? I was 0:18:57.440 --> 0:18:59.680 always cautious being came over because I didn't mind anything 0:18:59.720 --> 0:19:02.640 to Hey. There was from times that I was just like, 0:19:03.280 --> 0:19:05.640 I just stated my room and cried. Do you have 0:19:05.720 --> 0:19:10.880 any advice for any kids going through what you went through? 0:19:11.119 --> 0:19:14.320 So I just recommend, like, always be there for your 0:19:14.359 --> 0:19:16.800 mom and always be make sure you for her first, 0:19:16.880 --> 0:19:20.240 no matter what she made you go through, whatever has 0:19:20.280 --> 0:19:23.040 happened with your relationship. You know, I always remember that 0:19:23.040 --> 0:19:26.800 that is your mom, and you know it's been a 0:19:26.840 --> 0:19:32.120 long journey, and I'm just glad that she's bindably like 0:19:32.280 --> 0:19:44.960 it's over. That's beautiful. That was real, sister love. That 0:19:45.080 --> 0:19:50.879 was really nice. Definitely important. Yeah, one of our favorite 0:19:50.880 --> 0:19:53.840 parts of the Red Table is getting questions from our 0:19:53.840 --> 0:20:00.080 Red Table Talk family from the Fishfold fell out. Oh 0:20:00.240 --> 0:20:08.159 thank you, Todd. All right, let's see Cynthia from Detroit 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:11.520 for Jada. My husband followed me to a restaurant the 0:20:11.520 --> 0:20:14.359 other night because he thinks I'm having an affair. I 0:20:14.400 --> 0:20:17.520 swear he's just imagining things and he's overly jealous. Is 0:20:17.520 --> 0:20:19.919 that a warning sign? Or should I be flattered? He 0:20:19.960 --> 0:20:23.760 cares so much, that's a warning sign. That is not 0:20:23.880 --> 0:20:27.800 anything to be flattered about. I don't think, because you 0:20:27.920 --> 0:20:32.159 gotta have trust, exactly, and you gotta have autonomy. Control 0:20:32.440 --> 0:20:36.000 is not love and fear. Yeah. I used to think 0:20:36.040 --> 0:20:38.520 stuff like that was sexy when I was Oh he 0:20:38.680 --> 0:20:42.399 followed me, and oh, yeah, you think it's cute, and 0:20:42.440 --> 0:20:46.000 it's not. You know. Yeah, a lot of people crave 0:20:46.119 --> 0:20:50.320 just to be wanted, you know, and sometimes being wanted 0:20:50.760 --> 0:20:54.800 is different than being loved. People desiring to feel important, 0:20:55.119 --> 0:20:57.120 and so when they do something like that, it's like, oh, 0:20:57.280 --> 0:21:02.919 like exactly. I felt like the Moor I was Chase store, 0:21:03.240 --> 0:21:05.920 he was I just suing you. Yes, I just felt 0:21:05.960 --> 0:21:11.840 like he just loved me so much. It is confusing. Next, 0:21:12.080 --> 0:21:16.600 do you want to kick one? Okay? He said Francine 0:21:16.760 --> 0:21:20.679 from Texas for Willow. My boyfriend checks every post that 0:21:20.760 --> 0:21:23.440 I want to sing out? Is that abuse? Even though 0:21:23.520 --> 0:21:28.000 he doesn't hit me, He checks every single post before? 0:21:28.080 --> 0:21:32.520 She posted, very controlling control. Maybe he doesn't want her 0:21:32.560 --> 0:21:37.800 to like show too much. But that's her decision and 0:21:37.920 --> 0:21:40.000 he's got to learn to trust him. And that goes 0:21:40.040 --> 0:21:42.359 back to the autonomy, like if she want to post 0:21:43.000 --> 0:21:45.639 and right and if she posts a bikini pick and 0:21:45.680 --> 0:21:49.280 it makes him, then they can talk about it. Francine, 0:21:49.680 --> 0:21:54.200 you gotta be like I'm doing mean, you know, one 0:21:54.280 --> 0:22:00.439 more last one? Susan from Atlanta for the group, What 0:22:00.520 --> 0:22:03.160 were some of the excuses you made up to explain 0:22:03.240 --> 0:22:07.560 any bruises that happened from an abusive relationship. I've run 0:22:07.600 --> 0:22:15.960 out of lies, I've said plenty. Wow, she's run out 0:22:15.960 --> 0:22:19.720 of lies. That's scary. It's time to go. It's time 0:22:19.760 --> 0:22:22.720 to go that. I would tell some of my clients 0:22:22.760 --> 0:22:26.240 like a cabinet door hit me and the ie or 0:22:26.680 --> 0:22:29.600 I fell, and you know, people were like, that's not 0:22:29.640 --> 0:22:33.040 what happened, and you do run out eventually, and it's 0:22:33.080 --> 0:22:36.560 sad you could just tell like what happened, like because 0:22:37.080 --> 0:22:39.679 you slipped on ice and it was like not even 0:22:39.960 --> 0:22:42.280 when it would any ice outside and it was just like, 0:22:42.680 --> 0:22:46.960 huh ice, where right? Where were you? Somebody like this? 0:22:47.040 --> 0:22:52.120 It's like you just wanna know how to tell them, 0:22:52.320 --> 0:22:55.359 like where can they go? Because at the end of 0:22:55.359 --> 0:23:01.199 the day, though, the decision is on them because I'm saying, 0:23:01.840 --> 0:23:04.920 we're all saying that enough is enough and it's time 0:23:04.920 --> 0:23:07.080 for you to go. It might not be it may 0:23:07.160 --> 0:23:10.800 not be enough for her because you gotta be ready. Yeah, yeah, 0:23:11.080 --> 0:23:14.120 you gotta hit your own bottom. Yeah. I just want 0:23:14.119 --> 0:23:19.160 to say to anybody that is going through any kind 0:23:19.160 --> 0:23:23.359 of domestic violence, I just hope that this show could 0:23:23.359 --> 0:23:27.160 give you the courage and the strength and the understanding 0:23:27.240 --> 0:23:30.480 to know that there's no reason to be ashamed. There 0:23:30.640 --> 0:23:35.480 is help, and you deserve better, and we are sending 0:23:35.520 --> 0:23:42.879 you love and blessings on our next Red Table Talk. 0:23:43.160 --> 0:23:46.440 I hated being divorced. I hated everything about it. I 0:23:46.480 --> 0:23:50.600 felt because I was sick. Te Why didn't you fight it. 0:23:50.680 --> 0:23:53.440 I'm not gonna fight to be with someone that doesn't 0:23:53.480 --> 0:23:55.399 want to be with me. That's when the Red Table 0:23:55.560 --> 0:24:01.399 turned upside there and it won't be read no more. Yeah. 0:24:02.680 --> 0:24:08.640 Maybe I should just say pressure arms giving the last 0:24:08.680 --> 0:24:20.760 series there? All yes, yes, three, All right, let's go 0:24:21.160 --> 0:24:23.320 to join the Red Table Talk family and become a 0:24:23.359 --> 0:24:26.760 part of the conversation. Follow us at Facebook dot com 0:24:26.800 --> 0:24:30.040 slash red table Talk. Thanks for listening to this episode 0:24:30.040 --> 0:24:34.320 of red Table Talk podcast produced by Facebook, Watch, Westbrook Audio, 0:24:34.640 --> 0:24:35.679 and I Heart Radio.