Speaker 1: Hey, fam I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the
Speaker 1: Red Table Talk Podcast, all your favorite episodes from the
Speaker 1: Facebook watch show in audio produced by Westbrook Audio and
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review
Speaker 1: on Apple Podcasts. I knew that my mother and my
Speaker 1: father had a very violent relationship early on. She has
Speaker 1: a couple of scars on our body that as a child,
Speaker 1: I was just curious. I was like, oh, mom, me,
Speaker 1: what's that? What's that? And she's like, oh, well, you know,
Speaker 1: my mother wasn't one to not tell the truth. This
Speaker 1: will be the first time that Willow's actually heard these
Speaker 1: stories about her grandfather, who she knew. Domestic violence is
Speaker 1: something that affects so many women, and this was one
Speaker 1: of the most requested topics from our Red Table Talk families.
Speaker 1: Here we are, Hey, red Table Talk family. How are
Speaker 1: you doing today? We're talking about a pretty serious subject matter,
Speaker 1: domestic violence and abuse some relationships. Jamie had at least
Speaker 1: one abusive relationship before I was born and even a
Speaker 1: bit after I was born with my father. What was
Speaker 1: the worst incident that you experience with my father? Oh?
Speaker 1: There were so many really, like I have a scar
Speaker 1: on my back. That's when I you know what, when
Speaker 1: I asked you about that years ago, that's when I
Speaker 1: first heard because that's the scar when he threw you
Speaker 1: over the banister. Wow. And not to make this like
Speaker 1: an excuse, because I'm getting ready to make it sound
Speaker 1: like it's an excuse for him, but he was typically
Speaker 1: in an altered state when he was abusive like that,
Speaker 1: a violent drawn See. I was a violent drunk too,
Speaker 1: That's what I had. Yeah, he was a violent drunk.
Speaker 1: He gave me a black eye once, Yeah, and I
Speaker 1: tried to hide it for mommy, but she saw it
Speaker 1: the first time she ever met Rob. She said, you
Speaker 1: need to stay away from this guy because I can
Speaker 1: see in his eyes something is wrong with him. Something
Speaker 1: is wrong at home. My mother was a social worker.
Speaker 1: But I do know when enough gets to be enough
Speaker 1: and you gotta get out of there. And I actually
Speaker 1: ran for my life. You ran for your life. Well,
Speaker 1: what happened was he was angry about something. He came
Speaker 1: home angry. You and I were at mommy and Daddy's
Speaker 1: house and he came over there and he was piste
Speaker 1: off about something. I don't even remember what the argument
Speaker 1: was about, but he started hitting me and he was
Speaker 1: in a rage. I was backing out of Daddy's den
Speaker 1: into the master bedroom right and you were still in
Speaker 1: the den, and I said, oh my god, we left, Jada,
Speaker 1: and I knew that he wasn't gonna hurt you. He
Speaker 1: left the room to go get you, and I went
Speaker 1: through the bedroom, out the master bath and down the
Speaker 1: steps and ran across the street to the neighbor. Got
Speaker 1: it right across the street to neighbor for them to
Speaker 1: call get me some help. And yeah, they called the police,
Speaker 1: and I stayed over there because I knew you that
Speaker 1: you were gonna be okay. I knew he wasn't gonna
Speaker 1: harm you. When the when the police arrived, they were
Speaker 1: coming in, and that was it, right, you know. My
Speaker 1: mommy was like, that's that's enough of that. We're done with.
Speaker 1: Kudos to her, Yeah, we're done here. And I was
Speaker 1: in full agreement. I wasn't trying to, you know, I
Speaker 1: just wasn't trying to deal with anymore because he was
Speaker 1: just out of control, his addiction just he just wasn't rational.
Speaker 1: I feel like, once again I'm trying to make excuses
Speaker 1: for him, and I think that's what people do. But whatever,
Speaker 1: the reasons were you have to at the end of
Speaker 1: the day yourself. That's an excuse. I think that's you
Speaker 1: giving a complete picture because I know that once he
Speaker 1: did get sober, he was really a gentle experiences with
Speaker 1: him that are very good, Yeah, but I mean he
Speaker 1: had his problems. We all know that he had issues
Speaker 1: and he did not have a pleasant upbringing. But I
Speaker 1: do know that when we decided, yeah, it's okay, it's okay, sweetie.
Speaker 1: That's the only thing about this table being around, it's okay.
Speaker 1: You know. It's not easy for a lot of different reasons.
Speaker 1: M hmm. It's not easy to hear that your parents
Speaker 1: experienced that together. And also for me to the fact
Speaker 1: that he's gone and can't see his side side. And
Speaker 1: that's the other thing. Now that I'm older, I have
Speaker 1: so much more compassion, right and knowing what he had
Speaker 1: gone through, right, you know, because I was pretty harsh
Speaker 1: on him. Well don't think we all were. It's hard
Speaker 1: not to be. But you know that's why I try
Speaker 1: to learn to, uh have more understanding, you know, can
Speaker 1: we get some tissue? I have some summer here? But um,
Speaker 1: why do you think women stay? I think women stay
Speaker 1: because they think that they're in love. That's what it was.
Speaker 1: For me. I thought that it was love. But I
Speaker 1: also think that women are afraid and for whatever reason,
Speaker 1: maybe they feel like they can't make it on their
Speaker 1: own without the person not having any place to go,
Speaker 1: it's scary, and you just don't think that you can
Speaker 1: do better. You and Karen, your sister, both were in
Speaker 1: very abusive relationships, and I just find that interesting because
Speaker 1: we didn't see that. You didn't see that. I didn't
Speaker 1: see that. Mommy and Daddy weren't like that at all,
Speaker 1: like in your home. Yeah, I was young, but I
Speaker 1: don't know where I got the concept in my head
Speaker 1: that to hit you was a sign of love. So
Speaker 1: if he if he's hitting you, then that means he
Speaker 1: loves you, because he wouldn't bother if he didn't love you,
Speaker 1: So that means he loves you. I've never really had
Speaker 1: any personal experience in regards to like a physical abuse.
Speaker 1: Have definitely been in relationships that have been emotionally abusive, Yeah,
Speaker 1: big time. I think emotional violence is really prevalent because
Speaker 1: most of us, once we get into relationships, we're really
Speaker 1: trying to learn how to love, and most of us
Speaker 1: are very insecure about it, and our defense mechanisms tend
Speaker 1: to be a bit violent and harsh and controlling. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and if you're controlling somebody, you're not really loving them,
Speaker 1: because the gift of love encompasses freedom, Yes, exactly. I
Speaker 1: just think it's so interesting because you know, the idea
Speaker 1: is that if you grow up in an abusive home,
Speaker 1: then that's kind of what creates that cycle. And I
Speaker 1: know for me, I never witnessed any guys that you
Speaker 1: were dealing with when I was around. Was Yeah, there
Speaker 1: was no physical because once I had that experience with Rob,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't accept it from anybody else, so that you
Speaker 1: only had it with Russell when that was it? Yeah,
Speaker 1: because I know for me, you remember that one incident
Speaker 1: I had with that one guy that I was dating
Speaker 1: where I had to pull a knife out on him.
Speaker 1: Right we were coming from a restaurant. He had been
Speaker 1: drinking and he was driving and he started getting really
Speaker 1: aggressive in the car. And this is why I always
Speaker 1: tell you pay attention to your surroundings just in case
Speaker 1: you gotta make a quick exit. And thank goodness, I
Speaker 1: knew where I was and I knew how to get
Speaker 1: out the car and get to the house. And I
Speaker 1: ran to the house. I had to take my clothes off,
Speaker 1: take off my heels, and I always travel with a
Speaker 1: black Russell hoodie and black Russell sweats just in case
Speaker 1: something prop First of all, it is my favorite outfit.
Speaker 1: Something goals, something's popping off. And I remember jumping in
Speaker 1: that sweatsuit, grabbing a big old knife from the kitchen
Speaker 1: and hiding in his son's room. And I never forget
Speaker 1: he came through the backsliding door like on a creepy
Speaker 1: creep creep, like he was gonna like sneak up on
Speaker 1: me or something like that. And I heard him, and
Speaker 1: I came out of his son's bedroom and I was
Speaker 1: at the bottom of the hallway and I was like,
Speaker 1: don't come near me. And he said the quintessential line
Speaker 1: that you're hearing movies all the time. You think I
Speaker 1: would hurt you. Yeah, I would. I would never do
Speaker 1: that to you. And I mean, I was like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, I'm in trouble. And you know what, Spike
Speaker 1: Lee saved me from that one. Because Spike had been
Speaker 1: calling me about Girl six. I used Spike as an
Speaker 1: excuse to get on that plane, and he said, right
Speaker 1: there and there I'll never see you again. Will. I
Speaker 1: absolutely we're gonna we're gonna figure this out. We're gonna
Speaker 1: work this out. You know. I got on that plane
Speaker 1: and he never saw me again until I was with
Speaker 1: Will Smith. That's when I saw. We were at a
Speaker 1: wedding and he he was at the same resort, and
Speaker 1: I happened to be with Will and that was it.
Speaker 1: And not a bad guy at all, very sweet guy,
Speaker 1: but just has those tendencies of violence. But you know
Speaker 1: that that was all the sign I needed, exactly, That
Speaker 1: was all the sign I needed. Have you ever Willow
Speaker 1: encountered anything or I've never encountered anything myself, because You've
Speaker 1: always told me, like, don't be out with no guys late,
Speaker 1: don't be going in their house. So I'm very cautious
Speaker 1: about all those things. I just try to tell her
Speaker 1: to be vigilant in regards to how she spends time
Speaker 1: with male company. Exactly. I know that when we decided
Speaker 1: to talk about this, we also decided to bring a
Speaker 1: friend of yours, Crystal and her daughter, who had some
Speaker 1: recent experience with domestic violence. Can we get Crystal please? Hey, Crystal,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for joining us, because I know
Speaker 1: it ain't easy. Yeah, it ain't easy. But the one
Speaker 1: thing about this red Table is that our testimonies help others.
Speaker 1: So let's start first with how you two know each other.
Speaker 1: Crystal is one of the most popular hairstyl is in
Speaker 1: Baltimore because she's my hairstyling. And I went into the
Speaker 1: salon one day and her eye it was messed up,
Speaker 1: and I was like, what the hell happened to your eye?
Speaker 1: And she didn't say right away you She was like oh,
Speaker 1: and I knew right then it was something that she
Speaker 1: didn't really want to talk about. Right. I was just like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, like, I can't lie. It's like lying
Speaker 1: to my mom. I just love this man so much.
Speaker 1: And I had to leave the situation and it was toxic. Um.
Speaker 1: We were just back and forth. It was so much
Speaker 1: cheating and lying, and I knew I had to, you know,
Speaker 1: get away, and so I loved him and he called
Speaker 1: me and he said, I need to see you. I
Speaker 1: need to see you. It's always the same story. I
Speaker 1: need to see you, and I'm like, I don't want
Speaker 1: to talk. I don't we can't talk. He ended up
Speaker 1: meeting up with me. He got in the car kind
Speaker 1: of like force itself, and he was just like, I
Speaker 1: told you that you cannot be without me, or you
Speaker 1: can't be with anybody. And I'm like, listen, I'm done,
Speaker 1: i can't. And then all of a sudden, he just
Speaker 1: like slams me towards the back of the car and
Speaker 1: he just like punches me. All of a sudden, I
Speaker 1: just felt all of this blood coming down my face
Speaker 1: and I'm just like please stop, like please stop. And
Speaker 1: I ended up going to the emergency room. I had
Speaker 1: to get stitches. And her I remember looking at my daughter.
Speaker 1: She was like, it's just what you want me to
Speaker 1: do when I get older, and I'm just like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, no, and she's like, well, when don't you
Speaker 1: want to stop because I'm gonna do the same thing.
Speaker 1: And I'm like I'm sorry. Like I just was like
Speaker 1: I'm gonna stop, I promise. And it was just so
Speaker 1: hard because I just felt like he loved me and
Speaker 1: I loved him, and he kept saying he loved me. First,
Speaker 1: he was charming, you know, he was carrying. He would
Speaker 1: just bring his neck for me, and then the tables
Speaker 1: just kind of turned. How long were you in the
Speaker 1: relationship for it was on and off for maybe um
Speaker 1: five years. I can only imagine what it feels like
Speaker 1: to love somebody fiercely and then have them punch you, yeah,
Speaker 1: and have them hit you. I haven't experienced it, but
Speaker 1: just me, I can feel you. My mom went through
Speaker 1: it when I was a little girl. We had so
Speaker 1: much makeup to like hide the scars. So I felt like,
Speaker 1: because my mom kept taking my dad back that you know,
Speaker 1: he loved her, I should do the same thing. And
Speaker 1: I just kept doing it and kept so. Had this
Speaker 1: happened more than once with you, Yes, from day one?
Speaker 1: You know. The first time when I decided to leave him.
Speaker 1: In the beginning, we got into a big fight and
Speaker 1: we were just tussling back and forth and we broke
Speaker 1: up and he was upset about that. So he decided
Speaker 1: to get me back. He released a not get a
Speaker 1: picture of me. Everyone saw the picture, even my daughter's friends, family,
Speaker 1: everybody saw the photo, and I was just like, how
Speaker 1: could you do something like this to me? So that's
Speaker 1: part of that control, sorry control, And he felt like
Speaker 1: in order to keep me, he would threaten to hurt me.
Speaker 1: He felt like if anyone saw these pictures of me,
Speaker 1: they wouldn't want to be with you. You know. He
Speaker 1: would always say nobody's gonna be with you because of me,
Speaker 1: like You're always gonna be with me, and I'm like, no,
Speaker 1: I'm I'm gonna leave. In all honesty, what gave you
Speaker 1: the strength this time to leave? I was in just
Speaker 1: the darkest space. I felt myself at times went and
Speaker 1: like kill myself, like I don't want to live. I'm tired,
Speaker 1: I'm depressed, I'm stressed. My mom is very ill and sorry,
Speaker 1: I just said I wasn't good right. We got tissue
Speaker 1: right here. I just always went to my mom for
Speaker 1: everything that went. I was swearing I couldn't go to
Speaker 1: her because I was so scared. You always told me
Speaker 1: to leave, and I always stayed because I'm like he
Speaker 1: loves me. He was calling me and he was like,
Speaker 1: I need to talk to you, and we had already
Speaker 1: broken up, and he was like, Okay, if you don't
Speaker 1: want to be with me anymore, I'm gonna put the
Speaker 1: when the end, and that it was a nothing that
Speaker 1: can picture of me. It's just like you're gonna do
Speaker 1: that to me again. It's just like, oh my gude.
Speaker 1: So I just said, you know what, I can't take it.
Speaker 1: I said, I'm gonna put myself out there at this point,
Speaker 1: and that's when I went in my phone and I
Speaker 1: boosted the picture of my black eye and the picture
Speaker 1: that everyone saw. I didn't think it was gonna get
Speaker 1: all of the responses it that. It was like women regional.
Speaker 1: They were just like, I've been doing the same thing.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry you went through this. What really touched me
Speaker 1: the most was my daughter had called me and she said,
Speaker 1: my ticket down. I said no, She said, take it
Speaker 1: down because you're gonna emburse me and you're gonna emburss
Speaker 1: yourself because you're gonna take him back. And I was like,
Speaker 1: I promised you, I won't take him back. At this point,
Speaker 1: mental and physical would beat all of it. Is just scary.
Speaker 1: It's in the mental part it's probably the hardest because
Speaker 1: you hold it in inside. You get into the thieves
Speaker 1: he's sitting, it's like you want to release it, but
Speaker 1: it's hard because people will ug you and call you crazy,
Speaker 1: but you're not crazy. It's hard to deal with. It's
Speaker 1: really hard, and it just helped me so much when
Speaker 1: I just released that, and that was finally the first
Speaker 1: time where he actually said I'm really gonna leave you
Speaker 1: alone because he was embarrassed. So let me just I
Speaker 1: want to be clear about something, because you just made
Speaker 1: a powerful, powerful, powerful point. Is that when you had
Speaker 1: the courage to come out and tell your story, other
Speaker 1: women rallied around you and gave you the strength to
Speaker 1: keep going. That's that's powerful. That just goes to show
Speaker 1: you what sister love will do. And they have no
Speaker 1: idea how much they have helped me. And I always
Speaker 1: would say, like, I have to get my power back,
Speaker 1: not just for myself, but for all the other women.
Speaker 1: And it seems like your daughter has been a strong,
Speaker 1: powerful for you too. Yes, your fourteen year old daughter, Selena,
Speaker 1: who's beautiful and one a full She and Willow got
Speaker 1: to sit down and have a conversation. Hi. Hi, I'm
Speaker 1: so glad you're here. I'm glad here too. This is
Speaker 1: my dad Selena. Hi, welcome, good, thank you, Hi, nice
Speaker 1: to meet you. Yeah, it doesn't look too good right
Speaker 1: now to jump in. I definitely used to jump in.
Speaker 1: I can't even imagine how it must feel to see
Speaker 1: your mother, you know, go through the experiences that she's
Speaker 1: been through. Yes, it was very stressful because me and
Speaker 1: my mom didn't have a relationship through all the things,
Speaker 1: because it was like she was putting him first, or
Speaker 1: like I was I was getting pushed back, and or
Speaker 1: she went and listened to me. I was like a goops,
Speaker 1: do you think you were afraid of him? I was
Speaker 1: always cautious being came over because I didn't mind anything
Speaker 1: to Hey. There was from times that I was just like,
Speaker 1: I just stated my room and cried. Do you have
Speaker 1: any advice for any kids going through what you went through?
Speaker 1: So I just recommend, like, always be there for your
Speaker 1: mom and always be make sure you for her first,
Speaker 1: no matter what she made you go through, whatever has
Speaker 1: happened with your relationship. You know, I always remember that
Speaker 1: that is your mom, and you know it's been a
Speaker 1: long journey, and I'm just glad that she's bindably like
Speaker 1: it's over. That's beautiful. That was real, sister love. That
Speaker 1: was really nice. Definitely important. Yeah, one of our favorite
Speaker 1: parts of the Red Table is getting questions from our
Speaker 1: Red Table Talk family from the Fishfold fell out. Oh
Speaker 1: thank you, Todd. All right, let's see Cynthia from Detroit
Speaker 1: for Jada. My husband followed me to a restaurant the
Speaker 1: other night because he thinks I'm having an affair. I
Speaker 1: swear he's just imagining things and he's overly jealous. Is
Speaker 1: that a warning sign? Or should I be flattered? He
Speaker 1: cares so much, that's a warning sign. That is not
Speaker 1: anything to be flattered about. I don't think, because you
Speaker 1: gotta have trust, exactly, and you gotta have autonomy. Control
Speaker 1: is not love and fear. Yeah. I used to think
Speaker 1: stuff like that was sexy when I was Oh he
Speaker 1: followed me, and oh, yeah, you think it's cute, and
Speaker 1: it's not. You know. Yeah, a lot of people crave
Speaker 1: just to be wanted, you know, and sometimes being wanted
Speaker 1: is different than being loved. People desiring to feel important,
Speaker 1: and so when they do something like that, it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: like exactly. I felt like the Moor I was Chase store,
Speaker 1: he was I just suing you. Yes, I just felt
Speaker 1: like he just loved me so much. It is confusing. Next,
Speaker 1: do you want to kick one? Okay? He said Francine
Speaker 1: from Texas for Willow. My boyfriend checks every post that
Speaker 1: I want to sing out? Is that abuse? Even though
Speaker 1: he doesn't hit me, He checks every single post before?
Speaker 1: She posted, very controlling control. Maybe he doesn't want her
Speaker 1: to like show too much. But that's her decision and
Speaker 1: he's got to learn to trust him. And that goes
Speaker 1: back to the autonomy, like if she want to post
Speaker 1: and right and if she posts a bikini pick and
Speaker 1: it makes him, then they can talk about it. Francine,
Speaker 1: you gotta be like I'm doing mean, you know, one
Speaker 1: more last one? Susan from Atlanta for the group, What
Speaker 1: were some of the excuses you made up to explain
Speaker 1: any bruises that happened from an abusive relationship. I've run
Speaker 1: out of lies, I've said plenty. Wow, she's run out
Speaker 1: of lies. That's scary. It's time to go. It's time
Speaker 1: to go that. I would tell some of my clients
Speaker 1: like a cabinet door hit me and the ie or
Speaker 1: I fell, and you know, people were like, that's not
Speaker 1: what happened, and you do run out eventually, and it's
Speaker 1: sad you could just tell like what happened, like because
Speaker 1: you slipped on ice and it was like not even
Speaker 1: when it would any ice outside and it was just like,
Speaker 1: huh ice, where right? Where were you? Somebody like this?
Speaker 1: It's like you just wanna know how to tell them,
Speaker 1: like where can they go? Because at the end of
Speaker 1: the day, though, the decision is on them because I'm saying,
Speaker 1: we're all saying that enough is enough and it's time
Speaker 1: for you to go. It might not be it may
Speaker 1: not be enough for her because you gotta be ready. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: you gotta hit your own bottom. Yeah. I just want
Speaker 1: to say to anybody that is going through any kind
Speaker 1: of domestic violence, I just hope that this show could
Speaker 1: give you the courage and the strength and the understanding
Speaker 1: to know that there's no reason to be ashamed. There
Speaker 1: is help, and you deserve better, and we are sending
Speaker 1: you love and blessings on our next Red Table Talk.
Speaker 1: I hated being divorced. I hated everything about it. I
Speaker 1: felt because I was sick. Te Why didn't you fight it.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna fight to be with someone that doesn't
Speaker 1: want to be with me. That's when the Red Table
Speaker 1: turned upside there and it won't be read no more. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Maybe I should just say pressure arms giving the last
Speaker 1: series there? All yes, yes, three, All right, let's go
Speaker 1: to join the Red Table Talk family and become a
Speaker 1: part of the conversation. Follow us at Facebook dot com
Speaker 1: slash red table Talk. Thanks for listening to this episode
Speaker 1: of red Table Talk podcast produced by Facebook, Watch, Westbrook Audio,
Speaker 1: and I Heart Radio.