WEBVTT - Brooke Shields 0:00:00.440 --> 0:00:02.200 I'd like it, and you have a great manicure. I'm 0:00:02.240 --> 0:00:04.440 keeping my hands out of side like oh I'm and 0:00:04.440 --> 0:00:07.760 I'm getting them done today. They're like little, they're good. 0:00:08.000 --> 0:00:10.719 You know what. I went to high school in New Jersey. 0:00:11.240 --> 0:00:13.560 I know you will. And by the way, that's a 0:00:13.640 --> 0:00:15.400 good thing. Like if it shows in your hands that 0:00:15.440 --> 0:00:16.880 you grew up in and you went to high school 0:00:16.880 --> 0:00:18.520 in New Jersey, that's the right place for it to 0:00:18.560 --> 0:00:22.320 show up. Exactly every now and then. I just need 0:00:22.400 --> 0:00:27.160 a little dose my Jersey hears. I also have man hands, 0:00:27.280 --> 0:00:31.720 so anything anything that makes them look I love your hands. 0:00:31.720 --> 0:00:35.720 They're beautiful. Palm of basketball. Yeah, totally. A friend of 0:00:35.720 --> 0:00:39.360 mine said he saw my hands, it goes Christ he 0:00:39.440 --> 0:00:41.800 goes last time I saw hands that big. They had 0:00:41.840 --> 0:00:47.600 a Super Bowl ring on him. Hello, I'm Mini driver. 0:00:48.120 --> 0:00:52.520 Welcome to Many Questions Season two. I've always loved Prut's 0:00:52.600 --> 0:00:56.520 question that it was originally an nineteenth century harleg game 0:00:56.840 --> 0:01:00.240 where players would ask each other thirty five questions aim 0:01:00.280 --> 0:01:03.960 at revealing the other player's true nature. It's just the 0:01:04.000 --> 0:01:07.959 scientific method really. In asking different people the same set 0:01:07.959 --> 0:01:11.559 of questions, you can make observations about which truths appeared 0:01:11.560 --> 0:01:15.240 to be universal. I love this discipline, and it made 0:01:15.240 --> 0:01:18.240 me wonder, what if these questions were just the jumping 0:01:18.240 --> 0:01:21.280 off point, what greater depths would be revealed if I 0:01:21.319 --> 0:01:25.360 asked these questions as conversation starters with thought leaders and 0:01:25.440 --> 0:01:29.639 trailblazers across all these different disciplines. So I adapted prus 0:01:29.720 --> 0:01:32.360 questionnaire and I wrote my own seven questions that I 0:01:32.400 --> 0:01:35.480 personally think a pertinent to a person's story. They are 0:01:35.959 --> 0:01:38.720 when and where were you happiest? What is the quality 0:01:38.800 --> 0:01:42.800 you like least about yourself? What relationship, real or fictionalized, 0:01:42.920 --> 0:01:46.480 defines love for you? What question would you most like answered? 0:01:46.959 --> 0:01:50.120 What person, place, or experience has shaped you the most? 0:01:50.520 --> 0:01:52.880 What would be your last meal? And can you tell 0:01:52.920 --> 0:01:55.320 me something in your life that's grown out of a 0:01:55.400 --> 0:02:00.840 personal disaster? And I've gathered a group of really arkable people, 0:02:01.320 --> 0:02:04.040 ones that I am honored and humbled to have had 0:02:04.040 --> 0:02:06.400 the chance to engage with. You may not hear their 0:02:06.440 --> 0:02:09.840 answers to all seven of these questions. We've whittled it 0:02:09.880 --> 0:02:13.760 down to which questions felt closest to their experience or 0:02:13.840 --> 0:02:18.120 the most surprising, or created the most fertile ground to 0:02:18.240 --> 0:02:25.440 connect my guest today is actor, author, entrepreneur, and model Brookshields. 0:02:26.120 --> 0:02:31.560 Brooke evolved from Child's superstar to Princeton alum to having 0:02:31.600 --> 0:02:35.040 a successful career in TV, and I don't think many 0:02:35.120 --> 0:02:38.480 people have negotiated four decades of being in the spotlight 0:02:38.840 --> 0:02:42.760 with such grace and humor. It was an absolute pleasure 0:02:42.800 --> 0:02:45.600 to have this conversation, and I'm really happy to share 0:02:45.600 --> 0:02:50.119 her insightful answers to my big questions. I do want 0:02:50.120 --> 0:02:52.240 to point out in the first minute or so of 0:02:52.280 --> 0:02:55.360 the third question of the episode, Brook discusses a friend 0:02:55.360 --> 0:02:57.919 of hers who took their own life. So take care 0:02:57.960 --> 0:03:00.239 while listening, and please feel free to give a had 0:03:00.520 --> 0:03:10.720 if you so choose, When and why were you happiest. 0:03:12.080 --> 0:03:16.280 I have to say that I remember one specific moment. 0:03:16.760 --> 0:03:21.360 I had just gotten married to Chris. I had gone 0:03:21.360 --> 0:03:25.600 to New York to do cabaret and nine eleven happened 0:03:26.520 --> 0:03:30.600 and he couldn't get to me. I obviously couldn't get 0:03:30.639 --> 0:03:33.239 out of New York. And it was this very fraught 0:03:33.240 --> 0:03:34.960 period of time, and we were the first show to 0:03:35.000 --> 0:03:38.960 go back, and everything was just fraught and scary and sad. 0:03:39.000 --> 0:03:42.000 And when my run ended, I went back to Los 0:03:42.080 --> 0:03:46.240 Angeles and we went to someone's house in Malibu and 0:03:46.280 --> 0:03:49.080 the weather was perfect, and I walked down to the 0:03:49.120 --> 0:03:54.680 beach and I just started dancing, just free dancing. My 0:03:54.800 --> 0:04:00.320 husband was my new husband. My mom wasn't either in 0:04:00.400 --> 0:04:03.240 jail or in the hospital, and I was I wasn't 0:04:03.240 --> 0:04:05.880 getting a phone call like that. That's I lived in that. 0:04:06.040 --> 0:04:08.560 You know, Oh my god, at any moment, something's going 0:04:08.600 --> 0:04:11.440 to happen. She had been was in a facility where 0:04:11.440 --> 0:04:13.080 she was taken care of, so I didn't have to 0:04:13.120 --> 0:04:16.440 worry about her. And I just started dancing up and 0:04:16.480 --> 0:04:20.200 down like an idiot on the beach, and I just 0:04:20.320 --> 0:04:25.400 remember thinking, this is freedom, this is happy, and it's 0:04:25.440 --> 0:04:30.440 funny because I don't particularly love l a and you know, 0:04:30.480 --> 0:04:33.440 I didn't have a job normally that makes me panic, 0:04:33.640 --> 0:04:36.360 and I had just finished a job and I was 0:04:36.480 --> 0:04:40.919 so depleted physically and emotionally. But to just be able 0:04:40.960 --> 0:04:43.440 to feel the breeze and have my feet in the 0:04:43.440 --> 0:04:47.240 water and just dance down the beach, it was I 0:04:47.320 --> 0:04:51.080 just remember thinking, Wow, this is a gift. Remember this, 0:04:51.160 --> 0:04:55.480 because this is what peaceful feels like. Oh my gosh, 0:04:55.480 --> 0:04:58.280 how that's quite. I'm just going back to a sentence 0:04:58.320 --> 0:05:00.719 that you said that, you know, I was feeling good. 0:05:00.839 --> 0:05:04.400 My mom wasn't in jail, and she was taken care of. 0:05:04.480 --> 0:05:07.279 Like just the thought that you know that that's a 0:05:07.320 --> 0:05:11.200 barometer for a person in their life is quite intense. Well, 0:05:11.240 --> 0:05:13.760 that she she wasn't on the side of the road. 0:05:13.960 --> 0:05:17.400 She wasn't she hadn't just had a stroke. She hadn't. 0:05:17.400 --> 0:05:20.359 It was like everything in my life had been gauged 0:05:20.520 --> 0:05:25.240 around her being alive, and the responsibility that was mine 0:05:25.720 --> 0:05:29.840 in my mind to keep her alive. I mean the 0:05:29.880 --> 0:05:34.200 irony of also that is my version of finding peace 0:05:34.320 --> 0:05:39.000 and joy has to have come from nine eleven. That's 0:05:39.040 --> 0:05:42.880 what I was just, that was it. That was My 0:05:43.000 --> 0:05:47.880 next question was is happiness predicated on this idea that 0:05:48.720 --> 0:05:51.640 really hard things have to have happened before you can 0:05:51.640 --> 0:05:56.320 feel that freedom and allow yourself to feel happy. Earn it? 0:05:56.320 --> 0:05:59.680 It's like I have to have earned it. Where that 0:05:59.760 --> 0:06:05.040 come from is so so deep. It's probably the alcoholic mother. 0:06:05.240 --> 0:06:08.799 It's a child actress from such a young age. And 0:06:08.839 --> 0:06:12.599 what I did was I crafted things that I knew 0:06:12.960 --> 0:06:16.920 would be there for me in spite of being an 0:06:16.920 --> 0:06:20.320 actress or famous or a celebrity or whatever whatever, And 0:06:20.680 --> 0:06:23.520 I knew that I needed to go to university. I 0:06:23.640 --> 0:06:29.040 knew that I needed to find my husband that was grounded, 0:06:29.120 --> 0:06:32.719 that we could build a life that had healthy children. 0:06:33.000 --> 0:06:36.080 That it was not on the West Coast. There were 0:06:36.160 --> 0:06:41.880 sort of these markers, but actual just relief and joy 0:06:42.200 --> 0:06:45.839 just always seemed that it would only it could only 0:06:45.880 --> 0:06:50.839 be possible after drama, trauma, lots of pain, lots of 0:06:50.880 --> 0:06:54.039 hard work. And that's from my own psyche, you know, 0:06:54.279 --> 0:06:56.640 interesting like I think that's why I asked this question, 0:06:56.680 --> 0:06:58.800 because I think it is such a tub in an 0:06:58.800 --> 0:07:02.440 interesting wit area, this notion of happiness. When I'm happy, 0:07:02.720 --> 0:07:05.960 there is a period of enormous anxiety because I am 0:07:06.000 --> 0:07:09.200 absolutely certain that something bad has to happen because I'm 0:07:09.240 --> 0:07:12.760 happy and I can't last. But so maybe all we 0:07:12.800 --> 0:07:15.640 can do is literally know that about ourselves. I don't know, 0:07:15.680 --> 0:07:17.120 I've been well. I feel like I've been working on 0:07:17.160 --> 0:07:20.000 that particular thing, like my whole life, I think, so 0:07:20.080 --> 0:07:21.720 I think I have to. I mean, that's why I 0:07:21.800 --> 0:07:25.000 sort of had this other checklist, so that I could 0:07:25.080 --> 0:07:28.800 at least say like, no, no, no, no, that's you're 0:07:28.840 --> 0:07:31.920 happy there. Yeah, you love your children, children love you. 0:07:32.240 --> 0:07:34.119 I I feel like there's going to be a price 0:07:34.200 --> 0:07:39.000 to pay, yeah, for being happy, and then it's inevitable 0:07:39.000 --> 0:07:41.960 that it can't last. I think that's trauma. I really 0:07:41.960 --> 0:07:44.720 think that has all the hallmarks of trauma, just in 0:07:44.760 --> 0:07:46.840 the therapy I've done, all the books that I've read. 0:07:47.360 --> 0:07:49.880 The idea that there must be payment for it comes 0:07:49.920 --> 0:07:53.640 from a young person's mind of going these bad things 0:07:53.680 --> 0:07:57.440 happened because I was happy, or the norm is the 0:07:57.520 --> 0:08:00.520 hard things happening. But I do think it's associated with trauma. 0:08:00.720 --> 0:08:02.640 I mean, I remember that every time I would have 0:08:02.920 --> 0:08:07.720 a a plan that we were excited about, I never 0:08:07.760 --> 0:08:09.840 believed it was really going to happen because it would 0:08:09.960 --> 0:08:12.400 change because I'd get a job, and so I sort 0:08:12.440 --> 0:08:15.720 of lived in this sort of like just be at 0:08:15.720 --> 0:08:17.880 the ready all the time because you're just going to 0:08:18.040 --> 0:08:22.120 have to spring into action in some way. And you know, 0:08:22.520 --> 0:08:25.800 that's also I think the trauma of living with an 0:08:25.840 --> 0:08:29.120 alcoholic mother is that you never know really what you're 0:08:29.120 --> 0:08:32.000 going to get, what you're going to get, and how 0:08:32.040 --> 0:08:35.480 long the good part is going to last. You know, 0:08:35.600 --> 0:08:37.160 I used to say, I wrote this in my book. 0:08:37.160 --> 0:08:38.719 I said, you know, I remember saying to my mom 0:08:38.840 --> 0:08:42.480 once I wish I just only knew you in the mornings, 0:08:43.400 --> 0:08:47.480 because in the morning hours she was peppy and up 0:08:47.480 --> 0:08:49.880 and we would get our coffee and our role with 0:08:50.040 --> 0:08:52.240 butter and we laughed. I mean, and by the time 0:08:52.320 --> 0:08:55.959 three o'clock came, I knew. I'd look at I'd look 0:08:56.000 --> 0:08:59.600 at the way her lipstick looked, and I thought, oh God, okay, 0:09:00.000 --> 0:09:02.640 it's already hitting the sauce. So let's see, let's see 0:09:02.720 --> 0:09:05.400 what's let's see what's going to unfold. And I think 0:09:05.440 --> 0:09:09.959 you're always living at the ready and doing to the 0:09:10.040 --> 0:09:15.000 movie like Pretty Baby. When I was was just trauma. 0:09:16.360 --> 0:09:18.360 Even as a child, I knew that you were going 0:09:18.400 --> 0:09:21.840 to have to somehow survive that beginning. I knew that 0:09:21.880 --> 0:09:23.680 you were going to make it out the other side. 0:09:23.760 --> 0:09:28.120 I remember just being so impressed knowing you and knowing 0:09:28.240 --> 0:09:32.080 just how warm and generous and interesting and interested you 0:09:32.120 --> 0:09:35.120 are in life. When I think about the impact of that, 0:09:35.240 --> 0:09:39.680 your image in advertising and in the movies, like it 0:09:39.800 --> 0:09:42.120 was so kind of it was so iconic and distant, 0:09:42.440 --> 0:09:44.839 but I never forget. It's so funny. I really always 0:09:44.840 --> 0:09:46.400 from I always remember when you went to school. I 0:09:46.480 --> 0:09:50.040 always remember hearing that and really feeling like there's something 0:09:50.080 --> 0:09:54.920 else beyond being appreciated for how beautiful or but how 0:09:54.960 --> 0:09:58.080 marketable or how big a movie star someone is. That 0:09:58.120 --> 0:10:00.880 there is this there's this other world, and it felt 0:10:01.120 --> 0:10:04.559 it felt important to remember that. I mean, I think 0:10:04.600 --> 0:10:07.680 I knew that I in order for me to be 0:10:08.120 --> 0:10:13.640 whole and to survive, but really survive, like thrive na survive, 0:10:13.760 --> 0:10:17.200 you know. I remember thinking this will be the one 0:10:17.360 --> 0:10:20.600 thing that can't be taken away from you. I thought 0:10:20.640 --> 0:10:25.880 I was going to be heralded and welcomed back into 0:10:25.880 --> 0:10:28.160 this industry, that I was not only an actress, but 0:10:28.240 --> 0:10:31.320 I was now in an religion actor, I was a scholar. 0:10:32.000 --> 0:10:35.640 And that clearly was not the way it happened. But 0:10:36.160 --> 0:10:41.200 I remember thinking, if I don't cultivate my intellect and 0:10:41.320 --> 0:10:44.800 have it be a tool for me, I'm not sure 0:10:44.880 --> 0:10:50.720 I'm emotionally prepared to continue in the spotlight in this world. 0:10:51.280 --> 0:10:54.319 I needed something that was just mine. And of course 0:10:54.600 --> 0:10:58.080 the whole industry took it as a threat. I was, 0:10:58.240 --> 0:11:02.679 all of a sudden threatening to them exactly. Yeah, so 0:11:02.920 --> 0:11:18.319 that's what is interesting. What is the quality that you 0:11:18.440 --> 0:11:25.280 like least about yourself? Oh that my insecurities surrounding my 0:11:25.640 --> 0:11:34.080 talent still pop up that I still pine for recognition, 0:11:34.840 --> 0:11:38.960 for actual talent. It's still a journey that I have 0:11:39.040 --> 0:11:42.840 to go through to not compare myself and say, but 0:11:42.920 --> 0:11:45.880 do they think you're talented? I'm in these meetings, I'm 0:11:45.920 --> 0:11:49.840 a CEO, I'm I'm all of this, I'm my phrase children. 0:11:50.040 --> 0:11:54.000 I have to remind myself daily that I am good enough. 0:11:54.400 --> 0:11:56.120 Do you think there's two things going on, which is 0:11:56.120 --> 0:11:59.000 sort of the external impact of it and the way 0:11:59.000 --> 0:12:03.480 that you're so think about it. I think it is 0:12:03.720 --> 0:12:07.560 most definitely too prompt. I think that from a very 0:12:07.600 --> 0:12:12.160 early age, I was so constantly criticized. Oh my god, 0:12:12.200 --> 0:12:14.160 I thought you were going to say. I was so 0:12:14.240 --> 0:12:18.320 constantly told how great I was, and it was on 0:12:18.440 --> 0:12:22.839 such a public level, and everything had a disclaimer, not 0:12:22.960 --> 0:12:25.280 but she's pretty, But it was always sort of, well, 0:12:25.320 --> 0:12:28.440 she's not a vocal powerhouse. If I was singing work, 0:12:28.640 --> 0:12:32.080 she's no somebody. And then they'll pick the person who 0:12:32.120 --> 0:12:34.560 just won the Academy Award or somebody. And you know, 0:12:34.679 --> 0:12:37.560 every time I had an interview, you could feel the tone. 0:12:37.720 --> 0:12:40.720 And I was so young, and then later on I 0:12:40.800 --> 0:12:43.320 read all of it and I was so raked over 0:12:43.360 --> 0:12:47.920 the coals for for not being talented that it was. 0:12:48.520 --> 0:12:50.760 It was always sort of like, she doesn't have to 0:12:50.760 --> 0:12:53.760 be because she can just look that way. And that's 0:12:53.800 --> 0:12:55.839 also why I wanted to go to university, is because 0:12:55.880 --> 0:12:58.880 I thought I'm so much more than all of this. 0:13:00.000 --> 0:13:05.120 When I was invited two purely do comedy, that was 0:13:05.160 --> 0:13:10.000 the first time that I ever really understood where my 0:13:10.120 --> 0:13:13.040 talent was unique. And it was so natural to me. 0:13:13.320 --> 0:13:15.760 I mean, you know, comedic actresses are not as sort 0:13:15.800 --> 0:13:19.840 of brilliantly praised the way drama is. And and that's 0:13:20.200 --> 0:13:22.600 you know, it's fine. That is not something I covet doing. 0:13:23.080 --> 0:13:25.800 The purity and comedy to me is just is where 0:13:25.840 --> 0:13:28.120 I find a great deal of joy. There was a 0:13:28.160 --> 0:13:30.560 movie on the other night and it was a comedy 0:13:30.679 --> 0:13:33.199 with two women, and my kids were watching it, and 0:13:33.520 --> 0:13:36.760 I had loved the movie, and I started going down 0:13:36.800 --> 0:13:40.560 the rabbit hole saying, my kids don't know that I 0:13:40.559 --> 0:13:42.000 can do that, And all of a sudden, this was 0:13:42.080 --> 0:13:46.319 like this insecurity just wafted over me, and I thought, Okay, 0:13:46.880 --> 0:13:48.880 you have got to get your ship together. I don't 0:13:48.880 --> 0:13:51.640 know why you're doing this, but I think you're right. 0:13:51.679 --> 0:13:56.920 I think a lot of that comes from trauma from childhood. 0:13:57.679 --> 0:14:02.000 This profession being an actor is there were just so 0:14:02.120 --> 0:14:06.240 many schisms in it, like faulted people make really good actors. 0:14:06.320 --> 0:14:09.360 It's like we're trying to fill a bit of a void. 0:14:09.400 --> 0:14:11.800 And it's not enough that you think you're good. It's 0:14:11.840 --> 0:14:14.199 not enough that one can sort of self generate. You 0:14:14.280 --> 0:14:17.960 have to have other people also during the kool aid. 0:14:18.160 --> 0:14:20.440 Like I said in my book, I said, it's not 0:14:20.680 --> 0:14:22.960 you know, you're not expected to win the lottery once 0:14:23.080 --> 0:14:25.680 you're expected to win it over and over again, and 0:14:25.720 --> 0:14:29.760 then you're also punished when you don't win the fucking lottery. 0:14:30.160 --> 0:14:32.160 Even though I didn't have the same experience of you, 0:14:32.280 --> 0:14:36.280 I was not a child actor or model or icon, 0:14:36.680 --> 0:14:40.560 but that same feeling of whereas the next job, if 0:14:40.560 --> 0:14:43.720 no one's hiring me, your self worth can be around 0:14:43.760 --> 0:14:46.800 your feet if you let it. It's endemic in this 0:14:46.960 --> 0:14:49.280 in this industry as well. I mean, it's funny because 0:14:49.280 --> 0:14:52.080 I used to to say, I mean I would I 0:14:52.120 --> 0:14:55.600 went to the Academy Awards when I was a baby. 0:14:55.640 --> 0:14:59.680 That was just nirvana to me, and I coveted it. 0:15:00.080 --> 0:15:03.560 I coveted it, covered it, covered it, and finally my 0:15:04.160 --> 0:15:07.240 therapist said she's like why and I said, you know why, 0:15:07.400 --> 0:15:10.560 because of other opportunity And that's all it was about 0:15:10.640 --> 0:15:14.320 for me. Really, someone would probably want you to do 0:15:14.400 --> 0:15:17.840 another movie, and you feel like, yes, do another reacy 0:15:17.960 --> 0:15:20.800 that that never goes that that never goes away. I mean, 0:15:20.800 --> 0:15:24.080 I'm sure there are people for whom it does. I 0:15:24.120 --> 0:15:27.600 don't think Tilda Swinton is worrying about like her next No. 0:15:28.960 --> 0:15:30.960 I think it's very hard to carve it out there, 0:15:30.960 --> 0:15:32.840 like if you've got to make a living. I don't know. 0:15:33.320 --> 0:15:35.720 I've spoken to more actors who feel this way, and 0:15:35.760 --> 0:15:38.920 then I think there are these these creature like bird 0:15:39.040 --> 0:15:43.880 like anomalies who who can who can kind of apparently 0:15:43.960 --> 0:15:48.840 conjure it out of nowhere. I've always had to be basically, 0:15:48.840 --> 0:15:50.960 I've always been a brand, you know. I've always been 0:15:51.560 --> 0:15:54.400 right nurturing something so that we could pay our mortgage, 0:15:54.640 --> 0:15:57.000 or if you did this movie, we got a car. 0:15:57.320 --> 0:16:02.440 Everything was basically transactional. So there was never a plan 0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:05.960 to to concentrate on craft. You know. My mother, I mean, 0:16:06.000 --> 0:16:08.440 she wasn't a manager. She just she was like like, 0:16:08.680 --> 0:16:11.960 as long as they're talking about you keep your right 0:16:12.080 --> 0:16:15.080 and that was okay. Because I got very rewarded for it. 0:16:15.240 --> 0:16:18.600 I was liked and I went to a good school. 0:16:19.080 --> 0:16:21.000 So to me, it was just how do you make 0:16:21.040 --> 0:16:26.600 a living just being you? Yeah, that's that's that's exactly, 0:16:26.720 --> 0:16:29.240 That's exactly it. That has always been my approach as well. 0:16:34.360 --> 0:16:41.680 What question would you most like answered? Oh, the ones 0:16:41.760 --> 0:16:45.720 that we've loved to have died, Where where do they go? 0:16:47.040 --> 0:16:51.360 Where are they? I lost my best friend. He was 0:16:51.400 --> 0:16:54.200 sort of just like an extension of me. And when 0:16:54.240 --> 0:16:57.040 you lose someone like that, so so young, and he 0:16:57.120 --> 0:17:01.040 took his own life and I can't reconcile it to 0:17:01.120 --> 0:17:04.760 this day, you know, and it's you know, twenty years ago, 0:17:05.000 --> 0:17:08.040 and those are the answers I would just love to know, 0:17:08.760 --> 0:17:12.840 you know, and have it be beautiful. I just want 0:17:12.880 --> 0:17:15.000 to know that they're okay. I mean, you know what 0:17:15.040 --> 0:17:17.440 I mean, like, yeah, I want to know that he 0:17:18.800 --> 0:17:25.000 doesn't regret his decision. I never was afraid of death 0:17:25.240 --> 0:17:31.040 until recently. For some odd reason, I had a youthful 0:17:31.400 --> 0:17:34.840 attitude about it. Just live every day with gratitude, I 0:17:34.880 --> 0:17:38.800 really do, and I I can find joy. I mean, 0:17:38.840 --> 0:17:41.200 you know, it was spiking and there was a little 0:17:41.200 --> 0:17:44.359 boy with a nanny I think, and their dog and 0:17:44.520 --> 0:17:46.720 she was walking him too a playdate or something like that, 0:17:46.840 --> 0:17:51.040 and he stopped and he said hi, and he must 0:17:51.080 --> 0:17:54.719 have been like five six, and I could tell that 0:17:54.720 --> 0:17:58.199 the nanny was trying to shuffle him away, but he 0:17:58.280 --> 0:18:01.239 was very forward and wanted to engage and talk with me, 0:18:01.280 --> 0:18:03.880 and of course I stopped and I engaged with him, 0:18:03.920 --> 0:18:05.520 and I said, look to look at this color of 0:18:05.600 --> 0:18:09.240 this bike. It's yellow, and isn't it a pretty color? Yellow? 0:18:09.240 --> 0:18:12.000 And he's like, we're going to Frenchie's house or something 0:18:12.040 --> 0:18:14.640 like that, and I said, oh, that's wonderful. I said, 0:18:14.720 --> 0:18:17.000 you just have the best time. I don't know his name, 0:18:17.040 --> 0:18:20.359 I didn't know anybody that we're all strangers, and he said, 0:18:21.480 --> 0:18:26.280 you have nice like time, and I was like, I 0:18:27.320 --> 0:18:29.960 just thanked him, and I went on my way and 0:18:30.000 --> 0:18:33.200 I started crying. I was like like a blubbering idiot 0:18:33.520 --> 0:18:37.240 because it was so pure. I find such joy, and 0:18:37.240 --> 0:18:42.239 then in recent times I've started to fear losing it. 0:18:42.440 --> 0:18:45.600 Everything is moving so quickly and you just start thinking, 0:18:46.080 --> 0:18:51.320 oh God, I'm gonna I'm gonna die one day, you know. 0:18:51.600 --> 0:18:57.240 And I didn't plan for this, and I'm bugging on yeah, 0:18:57.359 --> 0:19:00.720 facing my mortality when I really just want to be 0:19:00.920 --> 0:19:07.600 having interactions with small, pure little kids. Have spy time, 0:19:09.240 --> 0:19:15.920 have nice by time, don't die have The irony would 0:19:15.920 --> 0:19:17.400 have been I got hit by a truck, right, that's 0:19:17.400 --> 0:19:20.320 all right? Turned away. The nanny would have been the 0:19:20.359 --> 0:19:24.399 only person who could recount the story. Oh my god, 0:19:25.160 --> 0:19:43.480 she would have moved on in your life, what person, place, 0:19:43.720 --> 0:19:51.280 or experience most altered it. I had a very bad 0:19:51.359 --> 0:19:55.640 accident just over a year ago. I was in hospital 0:19:55.720 --> 0:19:59.159 for a month and I got a staph infection and 0:19:59.240 --> 0:20:02.879 a blood clos and nobody could visit me because it 0:20:02.960 --> 0:20:06.400 was COVID. I think it was the most alone I'd 0:20:06.440 --> 0:20:10.520 ever felt, and I was really scared, and I realized 0:20:10.760 --> 0:20:13.359 that I just was so much more of a fighter 0:20:13.440 --> 0:20:17.280 and a survivor than I probably ever really gave myself 0:20:17.320 --> 0:20:22.720 credit for. And it's when I decided full on to 0:20:22.760 --> 0:20:26.160 start my own company and sort of create this movement 0:20:26.480 --> 0:20:29.760 for women over forty and really sort of harness that 0:20:29.960 --> 0:20:35.040 energy to make a difference for women. It just felt like, Okay, 0:20:35.240 --> 0:20:37.760 he didn't die, so what are you gonna do now? 0:20:38.040 --> 0:20:41.920 I mean, I'm so sorry that you were hurt. It's 0:20:41.960 --> 0:20:43.960 so interesting how to look at that, like when you've 0:20:44.000 --> 0:20:48.000 had a kind of near death experience, and yet out 0:20:48.000 --> 0:20:54.000 of that comes this clarity and this decision and this 0:20:54.160 --> 0:20:58.440 strength and this idea of what this next chapter is 0:20:58.480 --> 0:21:01.000 going to be. I think only thing that I could 0:21:01.040 --> 0:21:03.960 do was learn how to walk. And I had to 0:21:04.080 --> 0:21:06.879 learn how to walk again, which was so bizarre. I 0:21:06.920 --> 0:21:09.359 had to tell my brain to tell my leg to 0:21:09.480 --> 0:21:13.359 keep to move and and I thought, Okay, you're gonna 0:21:13.359 --> 0:21:16.960 walk faster than anybody has ever walked with this injury. 0:21:17.440 --> 0:21:19.800 You know. I made them give me p T twice 0:21:19.800 --> 0:21:22.240 a day. And it was funny because people, lots of 0:21:22.240 --> 0:21:24.399 people were like, why do you think it happened? You know, 0:21:24.600 --> 0:21:27.199 were you moving to my life? Did you need to 0:21:27.200 --> 0:21:30.320 find more gratitude? I was like, no, sh it happens. 0:21:30.840 --> 0:21:36.080 It was an accident. The accident itself didn't come from 0:21:36.119 --> 0:21:40.720 the universe to slow me down in my pursuits or whatever. 0:21:41.400 --> 0:21:46.000 It just happened. But how I responded to it was 0:21:46.040 --> 0:21:49.680 going to be the defining factor. It was just an 0:21:49.720 --> 0:21:53.719 important time. I mean, I remember one other when I 0:21:53.800 --> 0:21:57.359 lost my first child. I lost a lot of my 0:21:57.359 --> 0:22:01.360 my youthfulness. That next day, like by that next day. 0:22:01.720 --> 0:22:06.159 I remember thinking, oh, you're an adult. Now you're you're different. 0:22:06.440 --> 0:22:13.080 How old we when that happened. I was thirty one, 0:22:15.400 --> 0:22:19.000 and you know, I immediately went to my fault. Of course, 0:22:19.000 --> 0:22:20.800 it had to be my fault, and it was really 0:22:20.800 --> 0:22:26.400 important for me to learn that it's actually an unviable pregnancy, 0:22:26.440 --> 0:22:29.840 that is nature taking care of that for you. I 0:22:29.880 --> 0:22:33.000 didn't take too many yoga classes or I didn't didn't 0:22:33.040 --> 0:22:35.760 do anything wrong. You know, it wasn't a fault of mine, 0:22:35.920 --> 0:22:38.639 and that was kind of that. I grew up a 0:22:38.680 --> 0:22:42.680 lot from that um. But this last, this last sort 0:22:42.680 --> 0:22:47.520 of experience just sort of brought me into my next chapter. 0:22:49.600 --> 0:22:51.919 I I mean, I think that actually answers one of 0:22:51.960 --> 0:22:53.720 my other questions is in your life, can you tell 0:22:53.760 --> 0:22:56.200 me about something that has grown out of a personal disaster? 0:22:56.760 --> 0:23:00.360 And I think that that would be the loss. Yeah, 0:23:00.400 --> 0:23:04.920 well both actually well also when I lost that first baby, 0:23:05.240 --> 0:23:09.760 I had had a very very invasive surgery years earlier 0:23:09.840 --> 0:23:13.760 and actually couldn't even get pregnant naturally, had to do 0:23:13.800 --> 0:23:17.840 IVF and that baby was implanted through my belly button. 0:23:17.880 --> 0:23:21.040 Actually it's odd I could argue I was still a virgin. 0:23:21.119 --> 0:23:25.040 I guess but so that was the pregnancy that took 0:23:25.080 --> 0:23:28.679 and then I lost that pregnancy. But in the loss 0:23:28.960 --> 0:23:36.080 of it, it actually changed my physical being in a way. 0:23:36.440 --> 0:23:39.440 I had a lot of scar tissue, and the miscarriage 0:23:39.480 --> 0:23:43.520 was sort of so violent that it actually created space 0:23:44.880 --> 0:23:49.520 so that I was able to then get pregnant naturally. 0:23:49.720 --> 0:23:52.359 You know, that was definitely a change in a gift. 0:23:53.040 --> 0:23:56.680 So you don't always know the reason for things that quickly. 0:23:57.720 --> 0:24:01.600 That's really really amazing. I've talked about it a little 0:24:01.600 --> 0:24:03.719 bit on here, that I was told I couldn't have children, 0:24:04.040 --> 0:24:07.120 like flat out when I was eighteen, so just it 0:24:07.160 --> 0:24:09.280 was never it was never something I thought was going 0:24:09.320 --> 0:24:13.760 to happen. So when I when I got pregnant, it 0:24:13.840 --> 0:24:18.399 was so interesting, like wondering whether it was the psychosomatic 0:24:18.480 --> 0:24:21.840 idea of you know, this old patrician doctor who had 0:24:21.880 --> 0:24:24.800 said you're never gonna get pregnant, or whether there was 0:24:24.840 --> 0:24:29.679 something physiological as I grew old, or just your things 0:24:29.800 --> 0:24:32.240 move around and change. I mean, you had something, you 0:24:32.320 --> 0:24:36.480 had an actual you know, surgery which which helped it. 0:24:36.560 --> 0:24:39.480 But I wondered so much about that. We just put 0:24:39.520 --> 0:24:42.600 a lot of emotional judgment on on all these things. 0:24:42.640 --> 0:24:45.080 That happen in life. But it's really just life, life thing. 0:24:45.720 --> 0:24:48.479 It is just life. We always want to find meaning 0:24:49.040 --> 0:24:53.840 and yeah, the poetry in it and and sometimes it's 0:24:53.960 --> 0:24:57.439 just it just is. You know, I think it just is. 0:24:57.480 --> 0:25:00.280 I think life just life's and you you kind touched 0:25:00.320 --> 0:25:03.879