WEBVTT - PRETTY ADVICE: How to Figure Things Out with Chinae Alexander 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:02.640 The following podcast is a Dear Media production. 0:00:04.000 --> 0:00:06.520 Hey guys, I'm Whitney Port and this is with Wit. 0:00:06.880 --> 0:00:08.840 A lot of you may know me from reality TV 0:00:09.119 --> 0:00:11.920 and the reality is a lot's happened since the Hills. 0:00:12.400 --> 0:00:16.280 With Wit is dedicated to having real, raw, and occasionally 0:00:16.360 --> 0:00:19.640 ridiculous conversations with the people who have had a profound 0:00:19.720 --> 0:00:22.919 impact on me. Because on with Wit, very little is 0:00:22.960 --> 0:00:28.200 off limits, subscribe so you don't miss any of the 0:00:28.280 --> 0:00:29.880 amazing conversations to come. 0:00:30.120 --> 0:00:31.040 New episodes of. 0:00:31.040 --> 0:00:41.840 With Wit are available every Tuesday on all platforms. Big 0:00:41.880 --> 0:00:47.040 Things happen when you're pretty, pretty bold, pretty clever, pretty strong. 0:00:47.400 --> 0:00:50.000 I'm Danielle Robe and each week my guests and I 0:00:50.080 --> 0:00:54.600 have conversations that put a new spin on pretty. 0:00:54.640 --> 0:00:56.400 This is pretty smart. 0:00:58.480 --> 0:01:00.920 If you don't know what to do, just ask Shaney 0:01:00.960 --> 0:01:05.000 Alexander known as a social entrepreneur and for her podcast 0:01:05.040 --> 0:01:08.880 present Each week, Shane dishes out advice on the difficulties 0:01:08.920 --> 0:01:11.520 of being human. So I flipped the script on her 0:01:11.760 --> 0:01:15.720 and brought her onto Pretty Smart to answer your relationship, friendship, 0:01:15.840 --> 0:01:20.200 and career questions. She's not your therapist, She's your smart, 0:01:20.760 --> 0:01:25.240 hilarious and dynamic friend. So you know what I didn't 0:01:25.280 --> 0:01:27.520 ask you when I was on your podcast? How did 0:01:27.560 --> 0:01:28.399 you start pressent? 0:01:28.800 --> 0:01:32.119 Oh my gosh, I'm wow. Like, okay, So I get 0:01:32.160 --> 0:01:33.959 a lot of dms every day. I probably get like 0:01:34.000 --> 0:01:36.440 between two and three hundred dms a day, which is 0:01:37.280 --> 0:01:40.560 very overwhelming because I feel the pressure to respond to 0:01:40.640 --> 0:01:44.520 all of them. And so I was getting all these 0:01:44.520 --> 0:01:48.000 advice questions in my DMS of like people going through 0:01:48.040 --> 0:01:51.080 breakups or they needed relationship advice. 0:01:50.800 --> 0:01:52.520 Or they needed work advice. 0:01:52.160 --> 0:01:55.600 And all of these different kind of categories, and I 0:01:55.680 --> 0:02:00.640 was like, I'm doing this already, So why am I 0:02:00.760 --> 0:02:03.680 not doing this so other people can listen in on 0:02:03.800 --> 0:02:07.120 the dms? Yeah, And what I've realized through doing the 0:02:07.160 --> 0:02:10.800 podcast is even if people are listening in that week, 0:02:10.880 --> 0:02:15.640 it's not a question that necessarily is their question. So 0:02:15.800 --> 0:02:19.640 much of the stuff is connected and obviously talking about 0:02:19.639 --> 0:02:22.400 like mental health and body image and relationships and all 0:02:22.400 --> 0:02:25.240 these things. These are universal things. And if you don't 0:02:25.280 --> 0:02:27.680 need it now, put it in your back pocket. You 0:02:27.760 --> 0:02:30.320 might need it in a year. You know, does it 0:02:30.440 --> 0:02:32.400 scare to you to give people advice? Because it's like, 0:02:32.600 --> 0:02:36.520 what if I'm wrong? Oh, I'm terrified every day and you're. 0:02:36.400 --> 0:02:37.280 Really good at it. 0:02:37.360 --> 0:02:39.840 You're very like Remember when I came on your podcast 0:02:39.880 --> 0:02:41.440 and you were like, did you think I was going 0:02:41.480 --> 0:02:44.079 to be like a dumb influencer, And I was like, no, 0:02:44.280 --> 0:02:47.880 because I listened to your podcast and it's like listening 0:02:47.919 --> 0:02:48.639 to a therapist. 0:02:48.760 --> 0:02:49.960 You're so thoughtful. 0:02:50.320 --> 0:02:52.799 Here's the thing I made sure at the be any 0:02:52.800 --> 0:02:55.320 of the podcast to always say, I'm not a therapist. 0:02:55.360 --> 0:02:58.359 I'm a friend. And it's it's like the friend. It's 0:02:58.480 --> 0:03:00.240 I want to be the friend that you go to 0:03:00.440 --> 0:03:03.960 for advice and that you know gives you decently sound advice. 0:03:04.880 --> 0:03:07.720 She definitely didn't go to school for it, though. 0:03:07.680 --> 0:03:10.200 You know, like she didn't go to school for I 0:03:10.200 --> 0:03:12.640 think one of the one of the most impactful stories 0:03:12.639 --> 0:03:15.400 I ever heard. And this was actually before my podcast, 0:03:15.440 --> 0:03:17.079 so this was just when I was giving advice in 0:03:17.120 --> 0:03:20.440 the DMS. This girl came to me and she said, 0:03:20.560 --> 0:03:23.280 in the DMS, she said, my husband cheated on me, 0:03:24.000 --> 0:03:26.080 and I don't know what to do. I don't know 0:03:26.120 --> 0:03:28.680 if I should stay or if I should leave. And 0:03:29.080 --> 0:03:31.640 that's a heavy question for like someone you don't know. 0:03:31.880 --> 0:03:35.280 And so the kind of rule I always have lived 0:03:35.320 --> 0:03:38.040 by with my own relationships is if you can forgive 0:03:38.040 --> 0:03:40.960 it and truly move on and like move on with 0:03:41.160 --> 0:03:47.040 no issue, no going crazy, then do it. But if 0:03:47.040 --> 0:03:50.280 you know that you can't move on and you can't 0:03:50.360 --> 0:03:52.560 fully forgive them, and you can't fully let it go, 0:03:53.040 --> 0:03:56.560 let them go and like let yourself go. And that 0:03:56.640 --> 0:03:59.240 advice is kind of polarizing for some people because it's 0:03:59.360 --> 0:04:04.360 there's so much around, especially like forgiveness and relationships, because 0:04:04.640 --> 0:04:07.880 some people are in the camp of like, if someone cheats, 0:04:08.360 --> 0:04:10.960 get out, don't ever trust them again. And then some 0:04:11.000 --> 0:04:13.440 people are in the camp of like staying is the 0:04:13.480 --> 0:04:16.800 stronger thing. And for me, there was no right answer, 0:04:17.160 --> 0:04:19.440 And that's what I told her. I said, either one 0:04:19.680 --> 0:04:22.400 is going to be hard, so pick which kind of 0:04:22.440 --> 0:04:27.160 hard you can actually stick with. And I said, for me, personally, 0:04:27.400 --> 0:04:29.280 I don't think I would be able to trust that 0:04:29.320 --> 0:04:31.760 person and it would be really hard for me to 0:04:32.279 --> 0:04:34.880 Every time their phone would go off, would I have 0:04:35.040 --> 0:04:39.800 like this anxiety surrounding like is that someone texting them 0:04:39.880 --> 0:04:42.480 that shouldn't be or what are they doing out late 0:04:42.560 --> 0:04:45.080 with their friends? So I know, personally I don't think 0:04:45.120 --> 0:04:48.560 I could get past that. So me in that situation, 0:04:48.760 --> 0:04:51.599 I would be like see you later, but she made 0:04:51.600 --> 0:04:54.320 the decision because she was like, I actually she wrote 0:04:54.320 --> 0:04:56.120 me back, She's like, I actually feel like I can 0:04:56.200 --> 0:04:58.560 forgive him and we can move past this. And so 0:04:58.680 --> 0:05:02.240 what was so miraculous is about probably a year and 0:05:02.279 --> 0:05:04.720 a half two years later, her husband wrote me an 0:05:04.760 --> 0:05:08.520 email and he said, my wife asked you for advice 0:05:08.560 --> 0:05:10.479 a few years ago, and I just wanted to tell 0:05:10.520 --> 0:05:12.560 you that we're doing really, really good. 0:05:12.600 --> 0:05:13.960 And we have a new baby on the way. 0:05:14.279 --> 0:05:16.880 And that kind of made me go. I mean, I 0:05:16.920 --> 0:05:20.320 had two emotions. One was shit, people listen to my 0:05:20.360 --> 0:05:23.679 advice got and then the other one was like, wow, 0:05:24.440 --> 0:05:28.720 small words of encouragement or support for people can really 0:05:28.760 --> 0:05:32.160 make a big difference. So's it's a complicated thing giving 0:05:32.200 --> 0:05:35.240 advice for your living, but it can really really help 0:05:35.240 --> 0:05:36.320 people fell us alone. 0:05:36.360 --> 0:05:37.159 And that's the whole. 0:05:37.000 --> 0:05:39.640 Point it really is. I was thinking about loneliness so 0:05:39.760 --> 0:05:42.600 much recently. I think it's something I felt in the pandemic, 0:05:42.640 --> 0:05:45.720 but something that I kind of always feel like, even 0:05:45.720 --> 0:05:48.279 if I'm around people, I could go to a party 0:05:48.800 --> 0:05:50.200 and like really feel alone. 0:05:50.240 --> 0:05:51.120 It's just something that. 0:05:51.080 --> 0:05:56.080 I hold and the only thing that helps our podcasts, 0:05:56.080 --> 0:05:58.599 in books and movies and TV because I feel like 0:05:58.640 --> 0:06:01.919 I can see myself in other people's stories, and so 0:06:02.520 --> 0:06:04.719 I think. I mean, after I did your podcast, I 0:06:04.760 --> 0:06:07.159 went back and listened to every single episode and it's 0:06:07.200 --> 0:06:10.440 really cool because there's a lot of advice and there's 0:06:10.839 --> 0:06:13.720 serious moments, but it's infused with a lot of laughter 0:06:13.800 --> 0:06:16.039 because that's who you are, and a lot of cursing, 0:06:16.080 --> 0:06:16.960 which I also. 0:06:16.839 --> 0:06:20.880 Like, which we did a bit of. 0:06:21.400 --> 0:06:24.080 Yeah in your bio you say a lot of fucking cursing, 0:06:24.080 --> 0:06:24.880 which I really like. 0:06:25.480 --> 0:06:26.080 So it's cool. 0:06:26.120 --> 0:06:29.479 I wanted to get what was important to people, so 0:06:29.520 --> 0:06:32.360 I put out on Instagram what they wanted to hear 0:06:32.760 --> 0:06:34.719 from you about, and they sent in a ton I 0:06:34.720 --> 0:06:37.320 whittled it down to a few questions, but I mean 0:06:37.480 --> 0:06:39.680 we can kind of just go through them and bounce 0:06:39.720 --> 0:06:40.520 off each other. 0:06:40.680 --> 0:06:43.719 Can I Can I ask you one question first on 0:06:43.800 --> 0:06:48.480 the loneliness bit, Yeah, what TV show or movie is 0:06:48.600 --> 0:06:50.800 like like sues that part for. 0:06:50.720 --> 0:06:52.640 You, because I bet there are people out there. 0:06:52.560 --> 0:06:55.800 That like want to watch something that makes them feel 0:06:55.800 --> 0:06:57.440 like really comforted, and they may not know where to 0:06:57.440 --> 0:06:59.920 go for that. Like, what is something that's like comforting, 0:07:00.160 --> 0:07:03.160 familiar or like kind of scratches that loneliness itch. I 0:07:03.200 --> 0:07:06.960 love that question so much. The Goop podcast does that 0:07:07.000 --> 0:07:07.240 for me. 0:07:08.040 --> 0:07:10.000 I really love those interviews. 0:07:10.920 --> 0:07:14.320 Sex and the City always yep, and it's like sort 0:07:14.320 --> 0:07:17.320 of embarrassing to admit, but that show always makes you. 0:07:17.960 --> 0:07:21.280 This one's even worse. First Wives Club my favorite movie 0:07:21.280 --> 0:07:21.840 of all time. 0:07:23.280 --> 0:07:26.600 There's want to be want to be them, I mean 0:07:26.760 --> 0:07:28.800 want to be them in certain ways, but like that's 0:07:28.800 --> 0:07:32.880 also like from our childhood, a classic, always on the USA. 0:07:32.680 --> 0:07:35.640 Network always, and you know, my mom was like, you 0:07:35.640 --> 0:07:37.520 can never tell someone on a date that that's your 0:07:37.560 --> 0:07:40.880 favorite movie, like it's all about being divorced and like 0:07:40.880 --> 0:07:43.080 like brutalizing your first sex. 0:07:44.800 --> 0:07:47.119 And I was like, but it is. It's my favorite movie. 0:07:47.440 --> 0:07:50.240 It's so good. It's so good. How about you? What 0:07:50.320 --> 0:07:50.960 does it for you? 0:07:51.640 --> 0:07:53.800 I can watch thirty Rock over and over and over, 0:07:53.960 --> 0:07:57.120 like one million times. We've been on a real survivor kick. 0:07:57.120 --> 0:07:59.400 I don't know if that scratches a loneliness itch or 0:07:59.480 --> 0:08:03.160 more like, you know, I could survive outside. I also 0:08:03.240 --> 0:08:06.040 feel like any like I'm a creature. When I feel 0:08:06.040 --> 0:08:08.640 like lonely or need comfort, I like watching things I've 0:08:08.640 --> 0:08:11.520 watched a million times. I think because I think for 0:08:11.600 --> 0:08:15.520 both of us. Probably it's the familiarity of the characters. 0:08:15.640 --> 0:08:16.880 Feel like friends. 0:08:17.360 --> 0:08:21.000 Yeah, and when you have your friends, you don't feel 0:08:21.000 --> 0:08:24.200 lonely and you kind of can expect something from them. 0:08:24.280 --> 0:08:26.960 You're like, I know what to expect from you. What 0:08:27.000 --> 0:08:29.920 a good point. We aren't lonely without our friends. 0:08:30.040 --> 0:08:32.480 And our friends just happened to be The First Wives 0:08:32.480 --> 0:08:34.040 Club and Tina Fey. 0:08:35.559 --> 0:08:38.320 But honestly, we picked really good friends. Oh my god, 0:08:38.360 --> 0:08:40.080 I mean the best, you know, like, if we were 0:08:40.120 --> 0:08:44.319 going to choose, we picked a good one. Oh yeah, 0:08:44.440 --> 0:08:47.680 that's actually a perfect It's not a good segue to 0:08:47.720 --> 0:08:50.160 your question. It's perfect because the first question. 0:08:50.679 --> 0:08:53.559 I loved that Morgan wrote in because I kind of 0:08:53.600 --> 0:08:56.719 felt this way in some aspects. So she said, I'm 0:08:56.720 --> 0:08:59.000 feeling frustrated with so many of my friends. I know 0:08:59.080 --> 0:09:01.560 everyone's going through their own stuff right now, especially with 0:09:01.600 --> 0:09:05.040 the pandemic, but everyone calls me and is so negative 0:09:05.360 --> 0:09:07.559 and I just don't have the space because I need 0:09:07.600 --> 0:09:08.960 positivity in my life. 0:09:09.320 --> 0:09:10.079 What should I do? 0:09:10.320 --> 0:09:11.920 Okay, I actually have the perfect answer to this, and 0:09:11.960 --> 0:09:14.719 I totally did not read these questions beforehand, but I 0:09:14.800 --> 0:09:16.320 actually have the solve. 0:09:16.760 --> 0:09:18.960 Please. This is why you're here, should. 0:09:18.760 --> 0:09:21.959 I well, I think this is only because I used 0:09:21.960 --> 0:09:24.640 to be the person that people would come to for 0:09:25.320 --> 0:09:29.280 advice to vent all of those things. And so the 0:09:29.360 --> 0:09:31.760 thing is is you you can't do anything in the moment. 0:09:32.160 --> 0:09:34.440 That's that's one hard thing is you can't do anything 0:09:34.440 --> 0:09:37.040 in the moment of saying like block out. I mean 0:09:37.200 --> 0:09:38.800 I guess you could. I mean you could be like 0:09:38.960 --> 0:09:40.720 just hang up on them. I mean, that's always an option, 0:09:41.040 --> 0:09:42.400 but not if it's your friend. 0:09:42.600 --> 0:09:43.040 No. 0:09:43.040 --> 0:09:46.760 No, And we want to like teach a longer lesson 0:09:47.320 --> 0:09:50.280 and model a longer lesson. And so what I find 0:09:50.520 --> 0:09:53.480 helpful in all relationships, whether they're romantic or friendships, is 0:09:53.520 --> 0:09:57.360 modeling good behavior and modeling the type of communication you 0:09:57.400 --> 0:10:00.960 want to have. So I would say they start to 0:10:01.000 --> 0:10:03.680 ask them this question, well two questions actually, and I 0:10:03.679 --> 0:10:05.680 actually wrote an Instagram post about this the other day. 0:10:05.760 --> 0:10:09.760 Number one, ask them before you vent or complain to 0:10:09.800 --> 0:10:15.080 them or unload on them. Practice asking hey, do you 0:10:15.200 --> 0:10:18.839 have space in your life and in your mental state 0:10:19.040 --> 0:10:21.280 right now for me to complain about this or talk 0:10:21.320 --> 0:10:22.040 about this with you? 0:10:22.600 --> 0:10:23.480 That's number one. 0:10:24.360 --> 0:10:28.480 And I think when you ask someone that the shift 0:10:28.600 --> 0:10:33.240 that goes on in someone's brain is immediately like, oh, actually, 0:10:33.400 --> 0:10:36.000 how many times would I like to have been asked? 0:10:36.320 --> 0:10:40.160 Do you have space for? This second question is do 0:10:40.240 --> 0:10:42.959 you want me to just listen? Or do you want 0:10:43.000 --> 0:10:43.800 me to give advice? 0:10:44.400 --> 0:10:44.640 Oh? 0:10:44.679 --> 0:10:45.480 I like that? 0:10:46.160 --> 0:10:48.200 And I think the thing about that one is you 0:10:48.200 --> 0:10:51.600 can ask that one. Let's say, you know, someone's bringing 0:10:51.679 --> 0:10:54.080 you their shit about their boyfriend for the hundredth time 0:10:54.200 --> 0:10:57.680 or whatever. The way I was getting so exhausted was 0:10:57.720 --> 0:11:01.000 I was constantly feeling I needed to solve their problems, 0:11:01.720 --> 0:11:04.480 and that can be a really exhausting thing, especially when 0:11:04.760 --> 0:11:07.640 you're the person that all your friends go to. And 0:11:07.760 --> 0:11:10.800 so saying do you want advice or do you want 0:11:10.800 --> 0:11:14.080 me just to listen also creates another boundary for them 0:11:14.280 --> 0:11:14.760 of like. 0:11:14.800 --> 0:11:16.440 Oh, what do I want? 0:11:16.720 --> 0:11:20.120 And then also calls attention to the fact that they're 0:11:20.320 --> 0:11:24.400 continuously coming to you for this type of support. And 0:11:24.480 --> 0:11:29.320 so if every time that person comes to you for support, 0:11:29.440 --> 0:11:33.120 bitch and complaining whatever, if you ask that question, they're 0:11:33.160 --> 0:11:35.480 going to be more cognizant of actually how much they're 0:11:35.480 --> 0:11:38.080 coming to you with this sort of thing. 0:11:38.480 --> 0:11:41.640 But I think modeling the previous question. 0:11:41.559 --> 0:11:45.600 Of saying, you know, do you have the capacity for 0:11:45.679 --> 0:11:49.560 this right now shows that you respect their boundaries and 0:11:49.600 --> 0:11:53.320 that maybe when they come to you with their stuff, 0:11:53.600 --> 0:11:57.640 that they should respect yours. And you wouldn't believe how 0:11:57.679 --> 0:12:01.680 those two questions have transformed my relationship and have I've 0:12:01.760 --> 0:12:05.480 totally overhauled my romantic life and my friendships. Well, I 0:12:05.600 --> 0:12:07.600 like that you included romantic life. 0:12:07.600 --> 0:12:12.000 I would almost include parents in this too, absolutely because 0:12:13.280 --> 0:12:15.160 and I saw you write an Instagram post that was 0:12:15.160 --> 0:12:19.440 adjacent to this about like asking for exactly what you want, 0:12:19.520 --> 0:12:22.800 Like I am coming back from the airport, I'd really 0:12:22.880 --> 0:12:25.600 like you to be there when I get home, versus 0:12:25.640 --> 0:12:28.520 just like hoping that someone's back from the airport or 0:12:28.559 --> 0:12:30.960 back home when you're back from the airport, And both 0:12:31.000 --> 0:12:32.720 are kind of okay, but one. 0:12:32.559 --> 0:12:35.400 Is definitely more direct. This is the more direct version. 0:12:36.320 --> 0:12:39.640 The only pushback I feel like people will have. 0:12:39.559 --> 0:12:40.719 And maybe it's what. 0:12:40.720 --> 0:12:43.040 Came up for me, was like if you're my friend, 0:12:43.720 --> 0:12:46.280 like that's part of our friendship is like you get 0:12:46.280 --> 0:12:47.840 to lean on me, I get to lean on you. 0:12:48.360 --> 0:12:50.079 Yeah, I think it is. 0:12:50.400 --> 0:12:52.320 But I do think and I talked about this in 0:12:52.400 --> 0:12:56.920 therapy before, because I think we when we're growing up, 0:12:57.400 --> 0:13:01.160 we think we kind of idealize relationship, whether it's friendships 0:13:01.280 --> 0:13:04.840 or you know, romantic relationships of any kind, and you 0:13:04.920 --> 0:13:07.200 think it's always going to be fifty to fifty And 0:13:07.240 --> 0:13:09.800 it's not that that person's not there for you. It's 0:13:09.840 --> 0:13:11.800 just that they might not be there for you eighty 0:13:11.840 --> 0:13:14.520 percent this time they might be their twenty percent for you. 0:13:14.960 --> 0:13:17.720 And I think it's also important if you're on the 0:13:17.720 --> 0:13:20.600 receiving end of Like let's say someone says I don't 0:13:20.640 --> 0:13:23.959 have actual like space for that. I think that's actually 0:13:24.000 --> 0:13:26.840 an opportunity to say, well, is there any way I 0:13:26.880 --> 0:13:30.520 can support you right now? Because it's a really nice 0:13:30.559 --> 0:13:33.200 way of I mean, I think we all go through 0:13:33.200 --> 0:13:35.400 this when we're in our own head about our own crap. 0:13:36.679 --> 0:13:40.040 The best thing to do a lot of times, in 0:13:40.080 --> 0:13:44.200 tandem with working through it, is also having perspective of 0:13:44.640 --> 0:13:47.960 what other people are going through, what other people think about, 0:13:48.000 --> 0:13:50.560 what other people are worried about. And it's not about 0:13:50.600 --> 0:13:53.400 mounting the negativity on yourself. It's about saying, oh, wait, 0:13:53.920 --> 0:13:56.600 maybe I'm not the only one here, you know, and 0:13:56.640 --> 0:14:00.320 we all have that friend who every time you talk 0:14:00.360 --> 0:14:04.679 to them, the world's crashing, right, We'll have that friend. 0:14:04.720 --> 0:14:06.960 Or who's perpetually. 0:14:06.400 --> 0:14:10.280 Fighting with their significant other or who always has drama 0:14:10.320 --> 0:14:13.760 with their parents. We know that person, and sometimes, I mean, 0:14:13.800 --> 0:14:17.280 complaining is part of my personality traits, So I have 0:14:17.360 --> 0:14:19.480 to like really ask that question for people. 0:14:19.520 --> 0:14:20.680 But I hear you. 0:14:20.760 --> 0:14:22.840 We should be able to depend on each other, but 0:14:22.920 --> 0:14:25.840 it might not always be to the level that it 0:14:25.920 --> 0:14:27.120 is when they're at their best. 0:14:27.640 --> 0:14:30.600 Yeah, and timing is so important too. Oh my gosh, 0:14:30.720 --> 0:14:33.160 when I'm on my period, don't ask me anything. Also 0:14:33.280 --> 0:14:36.760 will recommend to people if you listen to Brende Brown's podcast. 0:14:36.840 --> 0:14:39.480 She talks about this In one of her earliest episodes 0:14:39.520 --> 0:14:43.480 on her podcast, she talks about in relationships kind of 0:14:43.520 --> 0:14:48.080 this proportion shift of like sometimes I'm eighty and sometimes 0:14:48.080 --> 0:14:52.240 you're twenty. Sometimes we're fifty to fifty, sometimes we're ninety ten, 0:14:52.760 --> 0:14:54.560 and that is just kind of like the ebb and 0:14:54.600 --> 0:14:58.240 flow of a long relationship. I love the framing of that. 0:14:58.240 --> 0:15:02.200 That's great because it's that way romantic relationships. Also, sometimes 0:15:02.200 --> 0:15:05.240 you have to give more, sometimes you have to take more. Yeah, Okay, 0:15:05.240 --> 0:15:08.160 the next one is interesting. My boyfriend gets so upset 0:15:08.240 --> 0:15:11.400 and angry that I have male friends. Our relationship is 0:15:11.440 --> 0:15:13.240 great and I love him, but he says that he 0:15:13.240 --> 0:15:16.200 doesn't believe in platonic relationships with the opposite sex. 0:15:16.560 --> 0:15:20.320 Someone always wants more. Am I naive or is he wrong? 0:15:20.760 --> 0:15:24.360 I want to know what you think about this. I've 0:15:24.400 --> 0:15:26.200 had personal experience with this one. 0:15:27.560 --> 0:15:31.479 Is this your question that you see? 0:15:29.440 --> 0:15:34.920 I had experience with this when I was younger, because 0:15:35.320 --> 0:15:39.840 thirty year old me like feels like there are no rules, 0:15:41.440 --> 0:15:44.840 but I understand it, and I think you know, each 0:15:44.920 --> 0:15:50.360 person brings so much stuff and their own personal experiences 0:15:50.400 --> 0:15:54.480 to the relationship when they meet. So this guy probably 0:15:54.560 --> 0:15:58.640 has some trust issues or some things that he's bringing 0:15:58.640 --> 0:16:01.920 to the relationship that he's worked through with this with 0:16:02.040 --> 0:16:04.800 his girlfriend. Now, it's not necessarily fair to the girlfriend 0:16:05.560 --> 0:16:07.280 that said I feel like there should be an open 0:16:07.360 --> 0:16:11.200 conversation early on if this is an issue about what 0:16:11.400 --> 0:16:14.160 feels okay and what feels like it's crossing the line. 0:16:14.600 --> 0:16:17.760 So to be really honest to even some people may 0:16:17.760 --> 0:16:20.120 think this is invasive, but I think it's even okay 0:16:20.160 --> 0:16:23.600 to if both parties agree to open text messages together 0:16:23.800 --> 0:16:25.640 at one point and say like, do you feel like 0:16:25.680 --> 0:16:29.320 this conversation? Does this feel good to you? If not, 0:16:29.480 --> 0:16:31.920 what doesn't so that I can make sure to be 0:16:32.040 --> 0:16:36.840 thoughtful about my text messaging the next time. Also, did 0:16:36.880 --> 0:16:41.200 you have a romantic history with someone? That gets trickier 0:16:41.240 --> 0:16:45.280 to me, because I actually do, like I've had, I 0:16:45.320 --> 0:16:48.200 have really good friends that I have a little bit 0:16:48.240 --> 0:16:52.520 of history with and they're truly platonic now, so I know. 0:16:52.520 --> 0:16:53.800 That that can get dicey. 0:16:53.880 --> 0:16:56.480 What do you think, Well, I have some personal history 0:16:56.520 --> 0:16:59.600 with this because when I first started getting my now boyfriend, 0:17:00.080 --> 0:17:02.960 he has some very close friends and two of his 0:17:03.040 --> 0:17:06.920 best friends who are women he has had a romantic 0:17:07.000 --> 0:17:07.520 history with. 0:17:08.080 --> 0:17:10.600 Okay, well that's kind of hard to swallow or. 0:17:11.119 --> 0:17:15.280 Some level of romantic history. And so for me, I 0:17:15.320 --> 0:17:19.800 am not a jealous person, but I am extremely I'm 0:17:19.880 --> 0:17:23.320 very discerning when it comes to these things. I also 0:17:23.840 --> 0:17:27.600 think as you get older, your need for massive amounts 0:17:27.640 --> 0:17:29.520 of friends reduces. 0:17:29.880 --> 0:17:33.080 I think some of this is like with age, people 0:17:33.680 --> 0:17:34.040 you know. 0:17:34.080 --> 0:17:37.000 Become partnered, or they move on in their careers, or 0:17:37.040 --> 0:17:39.840 they move it's it's not so important to have this, 0:17:40.040 --> 0:17:42.639 like maintain this big friend group. And I know I 0:17:42.680 --> 0:17:45.560 had a big friend group in my twenties of girls 0:17:45.600 --> 0:17:47.959 and guys and we were all kind of single or 0:17:48.119 --> 0:17:50.359 just like dating and we would all hang out, but 0:17:50.440 --> 0:17:53.200 I think it does get more complicated when partners come 0:17:53.240 --> 0:17:56.480 into the mix, and especially long term partners, people that 0:17:56.520 --> 0:17:59.760 are married and all of that. For example, I had 0:17:59.760 --> 0:18:02.840 a guy friend, his name is John. He's still a 0:18:03.040 --> 0:18:05.840 very very close friend of mine, but I never I 0:18:05.840 --> 0:18:08.840 don't really ever hang out with him solo now and 0:18:08.880 --> 0:18:12.000 not that there would be anything weird about that, but 0:18:12.080 --> 0:18:15.200 out of respect to his wife, I never want her 0:18:15.640 --> 0:18:20.040 to ever feel like I am intruding into their relationship. 0:18:20.080 --> 0:18:22.400 I don't ever want her to have even a hint 0:18:23.119 --> 0:18:26.479 that there is something up. And that's not because she 0:18:26.560 --> 0:18:29.520 doesn't trust me or him. It's nothing to do with that. 0:18:29.720 --> 0:18:33.320 It's more me. I never want her to question the relationship. 0:18:33.680 --> 0:18:37.840 So I want to be the responsible girlfriend friend that 0:18:38.000 --> 0:18:40.640 is a woman and be like, hey, I don't want 0:18:40.640 --> 0:18:42.880 to put us in a position where you ever have 0:18:42.960 --> 0:18:44.520 to wonder about me. 0:18:44.960 --> 0:18:49.440 You know, is like sanctity of the bond, Like what's 0:18:49.480 --> 0:18:50.040 the wonder? 0:18:50.560 --> 0:18:53.280 I don't want her to ever worry, you know. 0:18:53.400 --> 0:18:56.080 It's like I feel like if we spend some of 0:18:56.119 --> 0:19:01.320 our life preventing anxiety, anxiety feel like you know, relationships 0:19:01.400 --> 0:19:05.280 or anxiety filled moments with people that we love. I 0:19:05.320 --> 0:19:07.080 think that's a really good way to spend your time, 0:19:07.119 --> 0:19:09.520 and it's not about worrying what other people will think. 0:19:09.840 --> 0:19:12.199 It's like, hey, I don't care if she's on the 0:19:12.280 --> 0:19:13.600 text that I send him. 0:19:13.920 --> 0:19:15.760 I don't care if she comes for dinner. I like 0:19:15.800 --> 0:19:16.200 her too. 0:19:16.720 --> 0:19:20.160 It's fine. And the thing is is, if if he said, hey, 0:19:20.160 --> 0:19:23.120 do you want to get dinner one night, I would 0:19:23.160 --> 0:19:24.919 be like you should invite Katie? 0:19:25.160 --> 0:19:26.520 Or like does she want to come? 0:19:27.040 --> 0:19:32.040 Because to me, it's not worth there being any questions there. 0:19:32.160 --> 0:19:35.359 And also, you know, I think you grow to appreciate 0:19:35.400 --> 0:19:38.560 people's partners and their life, you know a little bit more. 0:19:39.560 --> 0:19:44.840 I do think that you totally can have completely platonic 0:19:45.240 --> 0:19:48.640 friends of the opposite sex. But I do think when 0:19:48.680 --> 0:19:51.560 you have a partner, you have to be respectful of 0:19:51.560 --> 0:19:54.560 what they feel comfortable with. And I think, like in 0:19:54.640 --> 0:19:57.120 cragnized relationship, we had to talk about what those boundaries 0:19:57.200 --> 0:19:57.880 look like. 0:19:57.880 --> 0:19:58.000 Like. 0:19:58.400 --> 0:20:01.600 If some rando girl that you were friends with in 0:20:01.680 --> 0:20:05.560 college message you on Instagram, I think you should give 0:20:05.560 --> 0:20:08.720 me a heads up about that. However, if a close 0:20:09.000 --> 0:20:11.400