Speaker 1: The following podcast is a Dear Media production.
Speaker 2: Hey guys, I'm Whitney Port and this is with Wit.
Speaker 2: A lot of you may know me from reality TV
Speaker 2: and the reality is a lot's happened since the Hills.
Speaker 2: With Wit is dedicated to having real, raw, and occasionally
Speaker 2: ridiculous conversations with the people who have had a profound
Speaker 2: impact on me. Because on with Wit, very little is
Speaker 2: off limits, subscribe so you don't miss any of the
Speaker 2: amazing conversations to come.
Speaker 1: New episodes of.
Speaker 2: With Wit are available every Tuesday on all platforms. Big
Speaker 2: Things happen when you're pretty, pretty bold, pretty clever, pretty strong.
Speaker 2: I'm Danielle Robe and each week my guests and I
Speaker 2: have conversations that put a new spin on pretty.
Speaker 1: This is pretty smart.
Speaker 3: If you don't know what to do, just ask Shaney
Speaker 3: Alexander known as a social entrepreneur and for her podcast
Speaker 3: present Each week, Shane dishes out advice on the difficulties
Speaker 3: of being human. So I flipped the script on her
Speaker 3: and brought her onto Pretty Smart to answer your relationship, friendship,
Speaker 3: and career questions. She's not your therapist, She's your smart,
Speaker 3: hilarious and dynamic friend. So you know what I didn't
Speaker 3: ask you when I was on your podcast? How did
Speaker 3: you start pressent?
Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, I'm wow. Like, okay, So I get
Speaker 4: a lot of dms every day. I probably get like
Speaker 4: between two and three hundred dms a day, which is
Speaker 4: very overwhelming because I feel the pressure to respond to
Speaker 4: all of them. And so I was getting all these
Speaker 4: advice questions in my DMS of like people going through
Speaker 4: breakups or they needed relationship advice.
Speaker 1: Or they needed work advice.
Speaker 4: And all of these different kind of categories, and I
Speaker 4: was like, I'm doing this already, So why am I
Speaker 4: not doing this so other people can listen in on
Speaker 4: the dms? Yeah, And what I've realized through doing the
Speaker 4: podcast is even if people are listening in that week,
Speaker 4: it's not a question that necessarily is their question. So
Speaker 4: much of the stuff is connected and obviously talking about
Speaker 4: like mental health and body image and relationships and all
Speaker 4: these things. These are universal things. And if you don't
Speaker 4: need it now, put it in your back pocket. You
Speaker 4: might need it in a year. You know, does it
Speaker 4: scare to you to give people advice? Because it's like,
Speaker 4: what if I'm wrong? Oh, I'm terrified every day and you're.
Speaker 1: Really good at it.
Speaker 3: You're very like Remember when I came on your podcast
Speaker 3: and you were like, did you think I was going
Speaker 3: to be like a dumb influencer, And I was like, no,
Speaker 3: because I listened to your podcast and it's like listening
Speaker 3: to a therapist.
Speaker 1: You're so thoughtful.
Speaker 4: Here's the thing I made sure at the be any
Speaker 4: of the podcast to always say, I'm not a therapist.
Speaker 4: I'm a friend. And it's it's like the friend. It's
Speaker 4: I want to be the friend that you go to
Speaker 4: for advice and that you know gives you decently sound advice.
Speaker 1: She definitely didn't go to school for it, though.
Speaker 4: You know, like she didn't go to school for I
Speaker 4: think one of the one of the most impactful stories
Speaker 4: I ever heard. And this was actually before my podcast,
Speaker 4: so this was just when I was giving advice in
Speaker 4: the DMS. This girl came to me and she said,
Speaker 4: in the DMS, she said, my husband cheated on me,
Speaker 4: and I don't know what to do. I don't know
Speaker 4: if I should stay or if I should leave. And
Speaker 4: that's a heavy question for like someone you don't know.
Speaker 4: And so the kind of rule I always have lived
Speaker 4: by with my own relationships is if you can forgive
Speaker 4: it and truly move on and like move on with
Speaker 4: no issue, no going crazy, then do it. But if
Speaker 4: you know that you can't move on and you can't
Speaker 4: fully forgive them, and you can't fully let it go,
Speaker 4: let them go and like let yourself go. And that
Speaker 4: advice is kind of polarizing for some people because it's
Speaker 4: there's so much around, especially like forgiveness and relationships, because
Speaker 4: some people are in the camp of like, if someone cheats,
Speaker 4: get out, don't ever trust them again. And then some
Speaker 4: people are in the camp of like staying is the
Speaker 4: stronger thing. And for me, there was no right answer,
Speaker 4: And that's what I told her. I said, either one
Speaker 4: is going to be hard, so pick which kind of
Speaker 4: hard you can actually stick with. And I said, for me, personally,
Speaker 4: I don't think I would be able to trust that
Speaker 4: person and it would be really hard for me to
Speaker 4: Every time their phone would go off, would I have
Speaker 4: like this anxiety surrounding like is that someone texting them
Speaker 4: that shouldn't be or what are they doing out late
Speaker 4: with their friends? So I know, personally I don't think
Speaker 4: I could get past that. So me in that situation,
Speaker 4: I would be like see you later, but she made
Speaker 4: the decision because she was like, I actually she wrote
Speaker 4: me back, She's like, I actually feel like I can
Speaker 4: forgive him and we can move past this. And so
Speaker 4: what was so miraculous is about probably a year and
Speaker 4: a half two years later, her husband wrote me an
Speaker 4: email and he said, my wife asked you for advice
Speaker 4: a few years ago, and I just wanted to tell
Speaker 4: you that we're doing really, really good.
Speaker 1: And we have a new baby on the way.
Speaker 4: And that kind of made me go. I mean, I
Speaker 4: had two emotions. One was shit, people listen to my
Speaker 4: advice got and then the other one was like, wow,
Speaker 4: small words of encouragement or support for people can really
Speaker 4: make a big difference. So's it's a complicated thing giving
Speaker 4: advice for your living, but it can really really help
Speaker 4: people fell us alone.
Speaker 1: And that's the whole.
Speaker 3: Point it really is. I was thinking about loneliness so
Speaker 3: much recently. I think it's something I felt in the pandemic,
Speaker 3: but something that I kind of always feel like, even
Speaker 3: if I'm around people, I could go to a party
Speaker 3: and like really feel alone.
Speaker 1: It's just something that.
Speaker 3: I hold and the only thing that helps our podcasts,
Speaker 3: in books and movies and TV because I feel like
Speaker 3: I can see myself in other people's stories, and so
Speaker 3: I think. I mean, after I did your podcast, I
Speaker 3: went back and listened to every single episode and it's
Speaker 3: really cool because there's a lot of advice and there's
Speaker 3: serious moments, but it's infused with a lot of laughter
Speaker 3: because that's who you are, and a lot of cursing,
Speaker 3: which I also.
Speaker 1: Like, which we did a bit of.
Speaker 3: Yeah in your bio you say a lot of fucking cursing,
Speaker 3: which I really like.
Speaker 1: So it's cool.
Speaker 3: I wanted to get what was important to people, so
Speaker 3: I put out on Instagram what they wanted to hear
Speaker 3: from you about, and they sent in a ton I
Speaker 3: whittled it down to a few questions, but I mean
Speaker 3: we can kind of just go through them and bounce
Speaker 3: off each other.
Speaker 4: Can I Can I ask you one question first on
Speaker 4: the loneliness bit, Yeah, what TV show or movie is
Speaker 4: like like sues that part for.
Speaker 1: You, because I bet there are people out there.
Speaker 4: That like want to watch something that makes them feel
Speaker 4: like really comforted, and they may not know where to
Speaker 4: go for that. Like, what is something that's like comforting,
Speaker 4: familiar or like kind of scratches that loneliness itch. I
Speaker 4: love that question so much. The Goop podcast does that
Speaker 4: for me.
Speaker 1: I really love those interviews.
Speaker 3: Sex and the City always yep, and it's like sort
Speaker 3: of embarrassing to admit, but that show always makes you.
Speaker 3: This one's even worse. First Wives Club my favorite movie
Speaker 3: of all time.
Speaker 4: There's want to be want to be them, I mean
Speaker 4: want to be them in certain ways, but like that's
Speaker 4: also like from our childhood, a classic, always on the USA.
Speaker 3: Network always, and you know, my mom was like, you
Speaker 3: can never tell someone on a date that that's your
Speaker 3: favorite movie, like it's all about being divorced and like
Speaker 3: like brutalizing your first sex.
Speaker 1: And I was like, but it is. It's my favorite movie.
Speaker 1: It's so good. It's so good. How about you? What
Speaker 1: does it for you?
Speaker 4: I can watch thirty Rock over and over and over,
Speaker 4: like one million times. We've been on a real survivor kick.
Speaker 4: I don't know if that scratches a loneliness itch or
Speaker 4: more like, you know, I could survive outside. I also
Speaker 4: feel like any like I'm a creature. When I feel
Speaker 4: like lonely or need comfort, I like watching things I've
Speaker 4: watched a million times. I think because I think for
Speaker 4: both of us. Probably it's the familiarity of the characters.
Speaker 1: Feel like friends.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and when you have your friends, you don't feel
Speaker 4: lonely and you kind of can expect something from them.
Speaker 1: You're like, I know what to expect from you. What
Speaker 1: a good point. We aren't lonely without our friends.
Speaker 4: And our friends just happened to be The First Wives
Speaker 4: Club and Tina Fey.
Speaker 1: But honestly, we picked really good friends. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I mean the best, you know, like, if we were
Speaker 1: going to choose, we picked a good one. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: that's actually a perfect It's not a good segue to
Speaker 1: your question. It's perfect because the first question.
Speaker 3: I loved that Morgan wrote in because I kind of
Speaker 3: felt this way in some aspects. So she said, I'm
Speaker 3: feeling frustrated with so many of my friends. I know
Speaker 3: everyone's going through their own stuff right now, especially with
Speaker 3: the pandemic, but everyone calls me and is so negative
Speaker 3: and I just don't have the space because I need
Speaker 3: positivity in my life.
Speaker 1: What should I do?
Speaker 4: Okay, I actually have the perfect answer to this, and
Speaker 4: I totally did not read these questions beforehand, but I
Speaker 4: actually have the solve.
Speaker 1: Please. This is why you're here, should.
Speaker 4: I well, I think this is only because I used
Speaker 4: to be the person that people would come to for
Speaker 4: advice to vent all of those things. And so the
Speaker 4: thing is is you you can't do anything in the moment.
Speaker 4: That's that's one hard thing is you can't do anything
Speaker 4: in the moment of saying like block out. I mean
Speaker 4: I guess you could. I mean you could be like
Speaker 4: just hang up on them. I mean, that's always an option,
Speaker 4: but not if it's your friend.
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 4: No, And we want to like teach a longer lesson
Speaker 4: and model a longer lesson. And so what I find
Speaker 4: helpful in all relationships, whether they're romantic or friendships, is
Speaker 4: modeling good behavior and modeling the type of communication you
Speaker 4: want to have. So I would say they start to
Speaker 4: ask them this question, well two questions actually, and I
Speaker 4: actually wrote an Instagram post about this the other day.
Speaker 4: Number one, ask them before you vent or complain to
Speaker 4: them or unload on them. Practice asking hey, do you
Speaker 4: have space in your life and in your mental state
Speaker 4: right now for me to complain about this or talk
Speaker 4: about this with you?
Speaker 1: That's number one.
Speaker 4: And I think when you ask someone that the shift
Speaker 4: that goes on in someone's brain is immediately like, oh, actually,
Speaker 4: how many times would I like to have been asked?
Speaker 4: Do you have space for? This second question is do
Speaker 4: you want me to just listen? Or do you want
Speaker 4: me to give advice?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 1: I like that?
Speaker 4: And I think the thing about that one is you
Speaker 4: can ask that one. Let's say, you know, someone's bringing
Speaker 4: you their shit about their boyfriend for the hundredth time
Speaker 4: or whatever. The way I was getting so exhausted was
Speaker 4: I was constantly feeling I needed to solve their problems,
Speaker 4: and that can be a really exhausting thing, especially when
Speaker 4: you're the person that all your friends go to. And
Speaker 4: so saying do you want advice or do you want
Speaker 4: me just to listen also creates another boundary for them
Speaker 4: of like.
Speaker 1: Oh, what do I want?
Speaker 4: And then also calls attention to the fact that they're
Speaker 4: continuously coming to you for this type of support. And
Speaker 4: so if every time that person comes to you for support,
Speaker 4: bitch and complaining whatever, if you ask that question, they're
Speaker 4: going to be more cognizant of actually how much they're
Speaker 4: coming to you with this sort of thing.
Speaker 1: But I think modeling the previous question.
Speaker 4: Of saying, you know, do you have the capacity for
Speaker 4: this right now shows that you respect their boundaries and
Speaker 4: that maybe when they come to you with their stuff,
Speaker 4: that they should respect yours. And you wouldn't believe how
Speaker 4: those two questions have transformed my relationship and have I've
Speaker 4: totally overhauled my romantic life and my friendships. Well, I
Speaker 4: like that you included romantic life.
Speaker 3: I would almost include parents in this too, absolutely because
Speaker 3: and I saw you write an Instagram post that was
Speaker 3: adjacent to this about like asking for exactly what you want,
Speaker 3: Like I am coming back from the airport, I'd really
Speaker 3: like you to be there when I get home, versus
Speaker 3: just like hoping that someone's back from the airport or
Speaker 3: back home when you're back from the airport, And both
Speaker 3: are kind of okay, but one.
Speaker 1: Is definitely more direct. This is the more direct version.
Speaker 3: The only pushback I feel like people will have.
Speaker 1: And maybe it's what.
Speaker 3: Came up for me, was like if you're my friend,
Speaker 3: like that's part of our friendship is like you get
Speaker 3: to lean on me, I get to lean on you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it is.
Speaker 4: But I do think and I talked about this in
Speaker 4: therapy before, because I think we when we're growing up,
Speaker 4: we think we kind of idealize relationship, whether it's friendships
Speaker 4: or you know, romantic relationships of any kind, and you
Speaker 4: think it's always going to be fifty to fifty And
Speaker 4: it's not that that person's not there for you. It's
Speaker 4: just that they might not be there for you eighty
Speaker 4: percent this time they might be their twenty percent for you.
Speaker 4: And I think it's also important if you're on the
Speaker 4: receiving end of Like let's say someone says I don't
Speaker 4: have actual like space for that. I think that's actually
Speaker 4: an opportunity to say, well, is there any way I
Speaker 4: can support you right now? Because it's a really nice
Speaker 4: way of I mean, I think we all go through
Speaker 4: this when we're in our own head about our own crap.
Speaker 4: The best thing to do a lot of times, in
Speaker 4: tandem with working through it, is also having perspective of
Speaker 4: what other people are going through, what other people think about,
Speaker 4: what other people are worried about. And it's not about
Speaker 4: mounting the negativity on yourself. It's about saying, oh, wait,
Speaker 4: maybe I'm not the only one here, you know, and
Speaker 4: we all have that friend who every time you talk
Speaker 4: to them, the world's crashing, right, We'll have that friend.
Speaker 1: Or who's perpetually.
Speaker 4: Fighting with their significant other or who always has drama
Speaker 4: with their parents. We know that person, and sometimes, I mean,
Speaker 4: complaining is part of my personality traits, So I have
Speaker 4: to like really ask that question for people.
Speaker 1: But I hear you.
Speaker 4: We should be able to depend on each other, but
Speaker 4: it might not always be to the level that it
Speaker 4: is when they're at their best.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and timing is so important too. Oh my gosh,
Speaker 3: when I'm on my period, don't ask me anything. Also
Speaker 3: will recommend to people if you listen to Brende Brown's podcast.
Speaker 3: She talks about this In one of her earliest episodes
Speaker 3: on her podcast, she talks about in relationships kind of
Speaker 3: this proportion shift of like sometimes I'm eighty and sometimes
Speaker 3: you're twenty. Sometimes we're fifty to fifty, sometimes we're ninety ten,
Speaker 3: and that is just kind of like the ebb and
Speaker 3: flow of a long relationship. I love the framing of that.
Speaker 3: That's great because it's that way romantic relationships. Also, sometimes
Speaker 3: you have to give more, sometimes you have to take more. Yeah, Okay,
Speaker 3: the next one is interesting. My boyfriend gets so upset
Speaker 3: and angry that I have male friends. Our relationship is
Speaker 3: great and I love him, but he says that he
Speaker 3: doesn't believe in platonic relationships with the opposite sex.
Speaker 1: Someone always wants more. Am I naive or is he wrong?
Speaker 1: I want to know what you think about this. I've
Speaker 1: had personal experience with this one.
Speaker 4: Is this your question that you see?
Speaker 3: I had experience with this when I was younger, because
Speaker 3: thirty year old me like feels like there are no rules,
Speaker 3: but I understand it, and I think you know, each
Speaker 3: person brings so much stuff and their own personal experiences
Speaker 3: to the relationship when they meet. So this guy probably
Speaker 3: has some trust issues or some things that he's bringing
Speaker 3: to the relationship that he's worked through with this with
Speaker 3: his girlfriend. Now, it's not necessarily fair to the girlfriend
Speaker 3: that said I feel like there should be an open
Speaker 3: conversation early on if this is an issue about what
Speaker 3: feels okay and what feels like it's crossing the line.
Speaker 3: So to be really honest to even some people may
Speaker 3: think this is invasive, but I think it's even okay
Speaker 3: to if both parties agree to open text messages together
Speaker 3: at one point and say like, do you feel like
Speaker 3: this conversation? Does this feel good to you? If not,
Speaker 3: what doesn't so that I can make sure to be
Speaker 3: thoughtful about my text messaging the next time. Also, did
Speaker 3: you have a romantic history with someone? That gets trickier
Speaker 3: to me, because I actually do, like I've had, I
Speaker 3: have really good friends that I have a little bit
Speaker 3: of history with and they're truly platonic now, so I know.
Speaker 1: That that can get dicey.
Speaker 4: What do you think, Well, I have some personal history
Speaker 4: with this because when I first started getting my now boyfriend,
Speaker 4: he has some very close friends and two of his
Speaker 4: best friends who are women he has had a romantic
Speaker 4: history with.
Speaker 1: Okay, well that's kind of hard to swallow or.
Speaker 4: Some level of romantic history. And so for me, I
Speaker 4: am not a jealous person, but I am extremely I'm
Speaker 4: very discerning when it comes to these things. I also
Speaker 4: think as you get older, your need for massive amounts
Speaker 4: of friends reduces.
Speaker 1: I think some of this is like with age, people
Speaker 1: you know.
Speaker 4: Become partnered, or they move on in their careers, or
Speaker 4: they move it's it's not so important to have this,
Speaker 4: like maintain this big friend group. And I know I
Speaker 4: had a big friend group in my twenties of girls
Speaker 4: and guys and we were all kind of single or
Speaker 4: just like dating and we would all hang out, but
Speaker 4: I think it does get more complicated when partners come
Speaker 4: into the mix, and especially long term partners, people that
Speaker 4: are married and all of that. For example, I had
Speaker 4: a guy friend, his name is John. He's still a
Speaker 4: very very close friend of mine, but I never I
Speaker 4: don't really ever hang out with him solo now and
Speaker 4: not that there would be anything weird about that, but
Speaker 4: out of respect to his wife, I never want her
Speaker 4: to ever feel like I am intruding into their relationship.
Speaker 4: I don't ever want her to have even a hint
Speaker 4: that there is something up. And that's not because she
Speaker 4: doesn't trust me or him. It's nothing to do with that.
Speaker 4: It's more me. I never want her to question the relationship.
Speaker 4: So I want to be the responsible girlfriend friend that
Speaker 4: is a woman and be like, hey, I don't want
Speaker 4: to put us in a position where you ever have
Speaker 4: to wonder about me.
Speaker 3: You know, is like sanctity of the bond, Like what's
Speaker 3: the wonder?
Speaker 1: I don't want her to ever worry, you know.
Speaker 4: It's like I feel like if we spend some of
Speaker 4: our life preventing anxiety, anxiety feel like you know, relationships
Speaker 4: or anxiety filled moments with people that we love. I
Speaker 4: think that's a really good way to spend your time,
Speaker 4: and it's not about worrying what other people will think.
Speaker 4: It's like, hey, I don't care if she's on the
Speaker 4: text that I send him.
Speaker 1: I don't care if she comes for dinner. I like
Speaker 1: her too.
Speaker 4: It's fine. And the thing is is, if if he said, hey,
Speaker 4: do you want to get dinner one night, I would
Speaker 4: be like you should invite Katie?
Speaker 1: Or like does she want to come?
Speaker 4: Because to me, it's not worth there being any questions there.
Speaker 4: And also, you know, I think you grow to appreciate
Speaker 4: people's partners and their life, you know a little bit more.
Speaker 4: I do think that you totally can have completely platonic
Speaker 4: friends of the opposite sex. But I do think when
Speaker 4: you have a partner, you have to be respectful of
Speaker 4: what they feel comfortable with. And I think, like in
Speaker 4: cragnized relationship, we had to talk about what those boundaries
Speaker 4: look like.
Speaker 3: Like.
Speaker 4: If some rando girl that you were friends with in
Speaker 4: college message you on Instagram, I think you should give
Speaker 4: me a heads up about that. However, if a close
Speaker 4: if you're one of your best girlfriends and you are
Speaker 4: having a normal text conversation. Fine, you know, I'm not
Speaker 4: worried about that. And so I think it's about, like
Speaker 4: you said, feeling out what is good for your relationship,
Speaker 4: what makes your partner feel comfortable.
Speaker 3: It's interesting when you start a new relationship and you
Speaker 3: guys are figuring out what you're comfortable with, because people's
Speaker 3: needs and wants are so different. I think when I
Speaker 3: was younger, I was a little naive to the whole
Speaker 3: idea of like needing male friendships while I was in
Speaker 3: a relationship, and I think it did sort of nick
Speaker 3: away at my relationship, and it's something I regret. I
Speaker 3: wish I would have been more matured, because eventually the
Speaker 3: people that have any sort of like weirdness or maybe
Speaker 3: shouldn't be in your life, once you find a partner,
Speaker 3: they kind of fall away.
Speaker 1: Oh it's like a natural progression. M h.
Speaker 4: But also, I do think there is a responsibility. If
Speaker 4: you out there listening are one of the friends, there
Speaker 4: is a responsibility.
Speaker 1: On your end to it.
Speaker 4: And so for me that means creating really clear boundaries
Speaker 4: and also making an effort with that person for them
Speaker 4: to know that I am not a threat to them
Speaker 4: in any way because I think that is actually a
Speaker 4: way to be able to keep those friendships but also
Speaker 4: maintain a level.
Speaker 3: Of respect, and it helps if you are partnered, then
Speaker 3: there's respect all the way around. Okay, next one, I'm
Speaker 3: in digital marketing and it's been working at the same
Speaker 3: place for two years. My boss just gave me a promotion,
Speaker 3: but it's only a two percent raise. I want to
Speaker 3: be prepared for negotiations, and I'm pretty tight with my colleagues.
Speaker 1: Can I ask what their salaries are? Yes? Don't you
Speaker 1: think so?
Speaker 3: Hell? Yeah, I'm like obsessed with the wage gap. I
Speaker 3: don't care if you're a man or a woman.
Speaker 1: Me too.
Speaker 3: Salary transparency it's the only way to move things forward.
Speaker 1: I also, this is an addendum.
Speaker 3: I also feel like salaries should not be based on
Speaker 3: your previous job. It should be based on what that
Speaker 3: role demands. So like, cause we're as women or women identifying,
Speaker 3: we're all like we're coming at we're coming at any
Speaker 3: new job from a place of lack. Usually, yep, you
Speaker 3: should be based on and you can kind of negotiate
Speaker 3: based on that. But yes, ask people, ask people, and
Speaker 3: ask multiple people because some will lie to you totally.
Speaker 4: And also I think it's really important. And this is like,
Speaker 4: once you're already established, ask your coworkers how much money
Speaker 4: they're making. And especially if someone is a person of color,
Speaker 4: you need to ask them how much money they're making,
Speaker 4: and you need to tell them how much money you're making.
Speaker 4: And like, obviously if someone's very very junior and you're
Speaker 4: very very senior, that's a different scenario. But I think
Speaker 4: it is really important, especially if you're doing the same job,
Speaker 4: to share that, and it's not like you know they're
Speaker 4: not you know, obviously you don't want them to go
Speaker 4: in and store them to their boss and say, well,
Speaker 4: Brian said he's making thirty thousand, but you sure can
Speaker 4: use it as a tool for your negotiations. And also,
Speaker 4: I think it is so smart, like you said, to
Speaker 4: kind of forget what you made before, like, don't even
Speaker 4: have it in your mind what job, Especially if you're
Speaker 4: coming from a job to another job. Let's say you
Speaker 4: made forty grand at your previous job. You don't need
Speaker 4: to go in and be like, Okay, well I was
Speaker 4: making forty and so I should at least get forty
Speaker 4: five as a raise or fifty.
Speaker 1: No, just forget what you made, Yeah, this job is
Speaker 1: worth seventy, so you're gonna make seventy.
Speaker 4: Yes, yes, and you never have to tell people what
Speaker 4: you made before.
Speaker 1: And also you always should negotiate.
Speaker 4: And you know what the thing is is if people
Speaker 4: don't negotiate their salaries, that is a huge red flag
Speaker 4: to a lot of employers.
Speaker 3: So when I was younger, I was terrified to negotiate
Speaker 3: because I wanted a job so badly I didn't want
Speaker 3: to tell my am I would have done.
Speaker 1: It for free, like I just wanted the job, yep.
Speaker 3: And it was a big regret of mine because I
Speaker 3: realized that they didn't hold me to the same regard
Speaker 3: because negotiating is a sign of maturity and confidence and
Speaker 3: anybody that you want to work for wants you to
Speaker 3: be confident and have that skill set. So it's really
Speaker 3: a lose lose to not negotiate, and people don't really tell.
Speaker 1: You that absolutely.
Speaker 4: I think my top tip for like gaining confidence in
Speaker 4: negotiating would be remember that ninety nine point nine percent
Speaker 4: of jobs are sales. You're selling something or you're making
Speaker 4: something to sell, or you're marketing to people to sell.
Speaker 4: Like very few jobs are without some sort of sales.
Speaker 4: You know, whether whether it's someone selling to you know,
Speaker 4: two layers down the line, or if it's you actively selling. Unfortunately,
Speaker 4: we live in a capitalistic society that makes things for you.
Speaker 1: Unfortunately. Yeah, yeah, make shit.
Speaker 4: For people to buy, or you make shit for people
Speaker 4: to listen to, or whatever it is, even even artists,
Speaker 4: even musicians. At the end of the day, you're a
Speaker 4: salesperson for yourself, That's true. The thing is, sure as
Speaker 4: hell wouldn't sell a salesperson who wouldn't negotiate on the
Speaker 4: other end. So why would I hire you if you
Speaker 4: didn't even negotiate for yourself.
Speaker 1: You are your best asset.
Speaker 4: How are you gonna ever stand up for my company
Speaker 4: and sell if you yourself don't sell yourself your biggest asset.
Speaker 4: And I think when you walk in with that sort
Speaker 4: of mentality of like, oh I am the product, like
Speaker 4: I am selling myself to this person, and so do
Speaker 4: you want to put yourself on sale?
Speaker 3: No, you're not clearance, Ben, you know it's like you
Speaker 3: have to act a discount ad tax bitch. You know
Speaker 3: this next one I love because people don't may not
Speaker 3: know this about you, but you used to work in
Speaker 3: the wedding industry. You planned like half a million dollar
Speaker 3: weddings and I you have like some really good advice
Speaker 3: for people on your Instagram. This one's complicated. My younger
Speaker 3: sister is a few years younger than I am. We've
Speaker 3: always had a strenuous relationship. She's prettier than me and
Speaker 3: always very outgoing and sucks up all the air in
Speaker 3: the room.
Speaker 1: I'm getting married.
Speaker 3: She's still single, and I don't want her at my
Speaker 3: bachelorette I just want to have fun and want it
Speaker 3: to be about me for once, But I don't want
Speaker 3: to cause a huge fight.
Speaker 1: Can I not invite her? No?
Speaker 4: Right, No, you cannot invite I mean, listen, you can,
Speaker 4: but there's gonna be a huge fight.
Speaker 3: There's something in that question that struck me as a flag,
Speaker 3: and I mean, like, no harm to the person who
Speaker 3: sent it in at all.
Speaker 1: It's not we all have shit. I just she said,
Speaker 1: I just want it to be about me for once.
Speaker 3: If you feel like your bachelorette party is the moment
Speaker 3: that it should be about you, I feel like there's
Speaker 3: a larger issue in your life and you need to
Speaker 3: make your life about you and invite your sister to
Speaker 3: your bachelorette and make that about fun and community celebration.
Speaker 1: Yes.
Speaker 4: And also I think the thing is is like when
Speaker 4: you're stuck in a childhood cycle of someone getting more
Speaker 4: attention than you, it's really hard to break that. Yeah,
Speaker 4: But the thing is is you have to allow people
Speaker 4: to also give you that attention and also honor you.
Speaker 4: And I think the thing is is you will create
Speaker 4: a bigger rift with your sister by not inviting her.
Speaker 1: And then it will inevitably be about her. That's such
Speaker 1: a good point.
Speaker 4: I get it you don't want it to be about her,
Speaker 4: but I assure you it's gonna be glaringly obvious that
Speaker 4: she's not there. And then the whole time, like you're
Speaker 4: writing into a podcast about it, you're making it already
Speaker 4: about her.
Speaker 1: Ye, Like it's already about her.
Speaker 4: The only thing you can do now is release that shit,
Speaker 4: let her come and make it about you.
Speaker 1: You have to own it.
Speaker 4: This is a moment. It is not the moment of
Speaker 4: your life. Your wedding is not your moment in the sun.
Speaker 4: It is It is a day, and I understand that
Speaker 4: it means a lot of people, And as a person
Speaker 4: who used to plan weddings that would cost half a million, dollars.
Speaker 4: I get it, it is an important part of your life.
Speaker 4: But we as women have to stop seeing ourselves and
Speaker 4: our validity wrapped up into the day that we get betrothed,
Speaker 4: like this is not all there is out there for us,
Speaker 4: Like this is not the only time we should be celebrated.
Speaker 4: This is not the only time that you're going to
Speaker 4: be the star of the show. This is not the
Speaker 4: only time that you have You have, like you said,
Speaker 4: your whole life. Start taking up space, start commanding attention,
Speaker 4: and work on your own journey with your own confidence.
Speaker 4: Because the thing is is, like, often I feel like
Speaker 4: our perception of other people sucking up all the air
Speaker 4: in the room is actually because we feel really small.
Speaker 1: It has something to do with the other person.
Speaker 4: You're so right, It doesn't have to do anything with
Speaker 4: the other person. It is when we shrink away, everything
Speaker 4: appears bigger. And the thing is is, like, I understand
Speaker 4: how annoying it must be to have a hot sister.
Speaker 1: I get it. Actually I don't get it.
Speaker 4: I'm an only child, and thank god, after we're listening
Speaker 4: to this question, I'm like, oh, thank god, I can
Speaker 4: be the star of my show. But seriously, like I
Speaker 4: understand feeling that way over and over, but it is
Speaker 4: now your time to be like, no, this is my life.
Speaker 4: I can be in the center of this and this
Speaker 4: person can still be there, and I think her being
Speaker 4: there will actually prove more to you about how much
Speaker 4: space you take up than her not being there.
Speaker 1: I am really.
Speaker 3: I mean, I'm like always kind of enthralled by you,
Speaker 3: but I am really.
Speaker 1: That was a good good answer.
Speaker 4: Also, let me just say this, this is like a
Speaker 4: trauma rama story from a wedding. So this is not
Speaker 4: a wedding I planned, but this is a wedding I
Speaker 4: was assisting on another planner was doing it, and we
Speaker 4: would always like assist on each other's weddings. Oh my god,
Speaker 4: this okay. I hope that this person doesn't listen to
Speaker 4: this and is like.
Speaker 1: That's it. My sister's not even coming to wedding.
Speaker 4: But these this woman was getting married and her sister
Speaker 4: was a little bit of a you could tell maybe
Speaker 4: star of the show type, got it. Her sister was
Speaker 4: her maid of honor, and in her wedding speech she
Speaker 4: announced her pregnancy.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that's actually really funny. I was like,
Speaker 1: oh no, this is not happening. Literally my like face melted.
Speaker 4: I was like, oh, no, like, way to really make
Speaker 4: it about you.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's the biggest like that was the huge,
Speaker 1: hugest flex of all times. She was like, and I
Speaker 1: just wanted to let you know that you're gonna be
Speaker 1: an aunt.
Speaker 4: I was like, oh, I'm like, oh my god, my
Speaker 4: face feels hot.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, what happened?
Speaker 1: Did the room like kind of like oh clap? It
Speaker 1: was really weird.
Speaker 4: That is everyone, because everyone kind of knew what was
Speaker 4: going on.
Speaker 3: Okay, so just make sure that your sister isn't pregnant
Speaker 3: and then invite her to your bad the threat party.
Speaker 1: Yep, yep, yep, yep. Oh this is interesting.
Speaker 3: I love myself, but I wish my butt was bigger,
Speaker 3: and I think my boyfriend wishes it was bigger too.
Speaker 1: Any advice on how to put this behind me? No,
Speaker 1: but I'm starting to think about it too much.
Speaker 4: Oh wow, don't get a Brazilian butt lift, because I
Speaker 4: heard you can't sit down for six weeks and that
Speaker 4: just seems like not great.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and also like I see all these people on
Speaker 3: social media that go to South America for there and
Speaker 3: that doesn't go well.
Speaker 1: So don't do any of that.
Speaker 4: There was that one girl. Do you remember that story
Speaker 4: about that girl in Florida? Of course, and she injected
Speaker 4: cement into her ass.
Speaker 1: Oh no, you remember that?
Speaker 4: Yeah, there was ament. Yeah, liquid cement into her ass
Speaker 4: and then she almost died.
Speaker 1: Oh that's awful.
Speaker 4: I mean you really, like, I'm not gonna say survival
Speaker 4: of it is, but you know, cement was never going
Speaker 4: to be good in there. Like, I know, I don't
Speaker 4: want you to die. Ever, I don't want anyone to die.
Speaker 1: But that's a couple of things. Although that although that
Speaker 1: Gorilla blue.
Speaker 4: Hair girl is really thriving on Instagram, have you checked
Speaker 4: up with her?
Speaker 3: I'm really upset about this because I was sad that her,
Speaker 3: like she had to deal with her hair that sucked
Speaker 3: and I get a bad haircut and I cry.
Speaker 1: So I understand. I can't even begin to understand the
Speaker 1: trauma of what of what that was.
Speaker 3: However, now she's like riding around in yes hot rod
Speaker 3: cars and like there was.
Speaker 1: A go fund me. I can't believe I just said
Speaker 1: hot rod, but there was like a go fund me.
Speaker 3: Sometimes I think, like maybe I'm eighty, it comes out I.
Speaker 1: Use certain weird terms.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's it's like everything that was wrong with capitalism
Speaker 3: happened there.
Speaker 1: Yeah, she was like, she's like now an influencer.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm like, okay, I mean you know what a
Speaker 3: hair fluencer.
Speaker 4: She's a hair f I mean, we're just we're lucky
Speaker 4: that she has a scalp still. But but truly, I
Speaker 4: kind of I kind of of loved the journey for her.
Speaker 4: Like she's like, I did something dumb and then I
Speaker 4: got rewarded for it.
Speaker 1: What's more American than that? Yeah, it's true, and she
Speaker 1: did have a good spirit about it. I'll give her
Speaker 1: that she did.
Speaker 4: I mean, here's a thing I posted that like way
Speaker 4: early on, like I had just found her, she had
Speaker 4: like not very many views on TikTok, and I posted
Speaker 4: it to Instagram and then I one day woke up
Speaker 4: and I had three hundred dms that were like gorilla glue.
Speaker 4: Girl is famous, And I'm like, you know what she deserves?
Speaker 1: And also did I make her famous?
Speaker 4: Am I part of the machine analyzing all my life choices? Okay,
Speaker 4: so let's get back to this girls. But here's the thing.
Speaker 4: Get a booty thing if you want it. Everyone should
Speaker 4: be able to do whatever they want with their bodies. However,
Speaker 4: and this is something I've just noticed in my own
Speaker 4: life and other people's lives. Once you start tweaking things,
Speaker 4: you just move on to the next thing that you
Speaker 4: want to do, and you start becoming obsessed. It's an
Speaker 4: obsessive thing. It's not about the thing, actually, And I
Speaker 4: would say dump your boyfriend. If he's constantly talking about
Speaker 4: how he wished you had a butt, I would like
Speaker 4: I would I would like to follow up with this
Speaker 4: person and say, how do you know that your boyfriend
Speaker 4: likes juicy booties? Is it does easy liking butt pictures
Speaker 4: on Instagram?
Speaker 1: Hope not? That's I hate that.
Speaker 4: Okay, so I have a question for you. We're going
Speaker 4: to get back to this butt thing. Yeah, we're putting,
Speaker 4: We're putting, We're keeping the tab open, putting it, putting
Speaker 4: a pin in the booty.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 4: If you were dating someone and you saw that they
Speaker 4: were liking a lot of butt picks, how would you
Speaker 4: tactfully address that or would you let it slide?
Speaker 1: How would that go?
Speaker 3: I'm actually like, maybe fervently on the other end of
Speaker 3: this before I go on a date with somebody, usually.
Speaker 1: If I care, like if it's just a fun date. Whatever.
Speaker 3: If I like, actually think I might like this person,
Speaker 3: I look at who they follow on Instagra, and if
Speaker 3: they follow a bunch of like instagirl type things, people
Speaker 3: that don't have like people that are just posting their butts,
Speaker 3: Like we are not the same, we don't have the
Speaker 3: same values.
Speaker 1: I don't even want to go on the date.
Speaker 3: So if I'm in a relationship with someone and now
Speaker 3: I like love them, and now I'm just finding this out,
Speaker 3: I'm going to be really distraught.
Speaker 4: Yeah, because you did your research already and like the research,
Speaker 4: the research really backfired literally.
Speaker 1: Like also, why do you need to like the photo? Yes,
Speaker 1: that to me is a big problem.
Speaker 3: Because now all my friends can see that you like
Speaker 3: the I actually have an experience with this. I have
Speaker 3: a friend who's married and her husband, you know, like
Speaker 3: on Instagram you can see it'll say, like, if you
Speaker 3: are friends with that person, this person liked the photo,
Speaker 3: any instagirl photo that I come up to, it says
Speaker 3: so and so has liked the photo. None of my business.
Speaker 3: It's her husband, not mine. But it makes me feel
Speaker 3: weird and he liked the photo.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, it's weird also to me, liking the photo
Speaker 4: or leaving a comment. That is, you're setting a signal
Speaker 4: to that person, no matter if they have two million followers,
Speaker 4: Like it doesn't matter. You're sending a signal I am
Speaker 4: giving you attention.
Speaker 1: And that to me is messed up in a relationship.
Speaker 4: Like if you're like walking down the street and there's
Speaker 4: a hot girl and they happen to be like mentally like.
Speaker 1: That girl's hot. I get it. We're people.
Speaker 4: We have attractions, Like I look at Timothy shallow May
Speaker 4: and I'm like, hey, you can be a second boyfriend
Speaker 4: in my head, But it's the liking for me, it's
Speaker 4: the following. It's the actively pursuing booty that is not okay, okay,
Speaker 4: so let's go back to the pin about the butt.
Speaker 1: I would say, first of all.
Speaker 4: You should really analyze that this is something that you
Speaker 4: really care about on yourself, or if this is something
Speaker 4: that your partner, you feel like your partner doesn't like
Speaker 4: and so you've internalized that because misogyny is real and like,
Speaker 4: the patriarchy has done this to us. It has brainwashed
Speaker 4: us to say I should not like things that men
Speaker 4: don't like on me.
Speaker 1: First thing.
Speaker 4: Second thing, I think anytime I'm starting to feel really
Speaker 4: bad about like a body part or like, you know,
Speaker 4: like I have a lot of stuff. I have a
Speaker 4: lot of stuff going on. I've been on like a
Speaker 4: weight last journey. I've been super super fit, I've been
Speaker 4: like two hundred and twenty five pounds.
Speaker 1: I've been all the way in between.
Speaker 4: And one thing that really helped me with my journey
Speaker 4: with like self acceptance and like kind of like body
Speaker 4: neutrality is understanding that we're not like an inventory checklist
Speaker 4: of our parts. We don't get graded per part. We're
Speaker 4: not like a Ford, you know, It's like we're a person.
Speaker 4: And the thing is is like, yeah, there are certain
Speaker 4: things are that are that are part of our bodies
Speaker 4: that we really love about ourselves, and there's certain parts
Speaker 4: that maybe we're not as happy with. But I think
Speaker 4: when you start kind of inventorying each thing and coding
Speaker 4: it bad or good, that's where you start getting into trouble.
Speaker 4: And So anytime that I start saying, oh, like I
Speaker 4: wish my stomach was this way, or I wish my
Speaker 4: thighs were this way, step back, step back, like physically
Speaker 4: from a mirror from a scale. Stop obsessing over your ass.
Speaker 4: Stop taking pictures of your ass or whatever the hell
Speaker 4: you're doing, and be like, Okay, let me look at
Speaker 4: myself zoomed out a little bit, and what do I
Speaker 4: actually like about myself?
Speaker 1: And refocus that energy. I also think a huge thing.
Speaker 4: Is like get a hobby, Like get things that you
Speaker 4: like in your life, because when you are busy in
Speaker 4: a good way, you have less time to be busy
Speaker 4: in a bad way.
Speaker 1: Yes, like you're busy in a bad way.
Speaker 4: You're finding yourself thinking about your butt all the time,
Speaker 4: when really you could be busy thinking about gaining confidence
Speaker 4: in other things, getting interested in other things, making friends,
Speaker 4: bettering your communication, go into therapy, doing all that shit.
Speaker 1: I can guarantee you.
Speaker 4: Your brain only has a certain amount of capacity, and
Speaker 4: if it is filled up with all this stuff that
Speaker 4: brings you confidence, it will not have time to think
Speaker 4: about your butt.
Speaker 3: Jamila Jamil, who has really taught me a lot about
Speaker 3: body neutrality, says something that I love.
Speaker 1: She's like, if you're busy.
Speaker 3: Thinking about your body all the time, then you don't
Speaker 3: have time to think about making money and having orgasms.
Speaker 3: And it's like start thinking about the things that actually
Speaker 3: make you happy. True, and that's not to negate the
Speaker 3: fact that it's it's sometimes difficult to not think about
Speaker 3: our bodies. I think, particularly as women, we earn a
Speaker 3: lot of kind of social capital through appearance, and it's
Speaker 3: reinforced when we walk down the street and when we're
Speaker 3: at a coffee shop and when we meet people, and
Speaker 3: so I think it's impossible to not think about it.
Speaker 3: Make it one of the ten things you think about,
Speaker 3: not the only thing or the top three things you
Speaker 3: think about. It's just such a recipe for disaster. And
Speaker 3: I've also noticed that the moments that I do think
Speaker 3: about my body or you know, when I was younger,
Speaker 3: I hated my nose, like.
Speaker 1: Those types of things. Two things.
Speaker 3: One usually something else is going on that I'm not
Speaker 3: dealing with inside.
Speaker 1: And two I started switching.
Speaker 3: For instance, my nose is like it like I don't know,
Speaker 3: my profile is a little different, and I stopped thinking about, oh,
Speaker 3: I hate that, and I started thinking, that's like my
Speaker 3: that's my dad's nose. I'm connected to him through that,
Speaker 3: and that, you know, like to flip it on its head.
Speaker 3: Now I feel like a lot of love when I
Speaker 3: look at my nose in the mirror, because it's him
Speaker 3: it's my other side of my family instead of like, oh,
Speaker 3: this doesn't look good in photos?
Speaker 1: What's funny? And this is I'm not joking.
Speaker 4: Yeah, when I first got on the podcast, I was like,
Speaker 4: she has a really beautiful nose, Like it's so straight,
Speaker 4: it's like perfectly highlight I.
Speaker 1: Was like, it was easy, and I'm a big nose person.
Speaker 4: On Craig and I's first date, that's one of the
Speaker 4: only compliments I gave him.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I said, you have a great little nose,
Speaker 1: no wonder he fell in love with you.
Speaker 4: But then he also started talking about Phantom Planet, the band,
Speaker 4: and I was like, are you going to talk about
Speaker 4: Phantom Planet.
Speaker 1: This whole time? And he was like, uh oh. But
Speaker 1: literally when we got on, I was like.
Speaker 4: She is such a great nose, it's so straight and
Speaker 4: also perfectly highlighted.
Speaker 3: Well, thank you, but also see how funny that is,
Speaker 3: Like I would never expect that someone would ever compliment,
Speaker 3: so it's so interesting.
Speaker 4: Well, and I think also like this to this listener
Speaker 4: projecting a little bit onto what her boyfriend thinks, unless
Speaker 4: your boyfriend has told you I don't like this about
Speaker 4: your body, and then in that case, I'm not telling
Speaker 4: you to set his house on fire, but like I'm
Speaker 4: not going to tell anyone, you know, like it's a
Speaker 4: secret safe with us. But like I think you also
Speaker 4: might be projecting on his likes. And I also I
Speaker 4: think you can ask someone that you trust and that
Speaker 4: you love, like, what are things that we love about
Speaker 4: each other? Like, let's talk about things that we love
Speaker 4: about each other. And I think you'll realize that maybe
Speaker 4: you're projecting a little bit on them. We think about
Speaker 4: that much more than they do. They're just happy to
Speaker 4: be there. They're happy to be invited to the party,
Speaker 4: you know what I mean, Like they're happy you have
Speaker 4: a butt and you're still talking to.
Speaker 1: Them, you know, so good today.
Speaker 4: Also one thing for body image stuff that I stopped
Speaker 4: that I stopped doing that changed my life. And this
Speaker 4: this is not what I said about butt. Every morning
Speaker 4: I found myself kind of like by habit. The second
Speaker 4: I would get up, I would lift up my shirt
Speaker 4: and look in the mirror. I would like look at
Speaker 4: my stomach or like look at my body. Like it's
Speaker 4: just like a slight body checking. And I know obviously
Speaker 4: with like people that struggle with ED, they do that
Speaker 4: a lot. But I realized, like in the mornings, I
Speaker 4: would do that, and I thought what it was doing.
Speaker 4: I thought in my head, oh, I look best in
Speaker 4: the mornings, and so oh, this is when I feel
Speaker 4: the most like lean and I haven't had food and
Speaker 4: I'm not as bloated and like I would. I was
Speaker 4: lying to myself and I told myself, well, I want
Speaker 4: to see myself when I look my best.
Speaker 1: But then what it does is it fucks.
Speaker 4: The rest of your thinking of the rest of the
Speaker 4: day because I don't look like I did this morning.
Speaker 4: I don't look as like lean or my stomach sticking
Speaker 4: out because you just had broccoli, okay, Like we're gassy.
Speaker 4: It's okay. I'm a very gassy person. And the thing is,
Speaker 4: it's like, even if you can trick yourself into thinking
Speaker 4: that you were doing a good thing for yourself by
Speaker 4: being like, I'm beautiful, it's not.
Speaker 1: It's not.
Speaker 4: You're just setting up a way to compare yourself. So
Speaker 4: every mirror you walk past, first thing in the morning, too,
Speaker 4: just resist the urge to constantly be evaluating.
Speaker 1: It's tiring. I've never thought about that.
Speaker 3: I'm so glad you pointed that out, because it's such
Speaker 3: a detailed thing, and you're right, and it's maybe we
Speaker 3: could do a whole episode on body neutrality versus positivity.
Speaker 3: But I personally like neutrality because I don't think I
Speaker 3: want to not think about it as much as possible.
Speaker 1: Me too.
Speaker 3: Okay, we're gonna do a little rapid fire. And you
Speaker 3: asked me this on your pot I loved it. Someone
Speaker 3: on Instagram that we should all be following, or someone's
Speaker 3: work you love that we don't know about.
Speaker 1: Do you want a serious answer? Do you want a
Speaker 1: silly answer? Both?
Speaker 4: Okay for serious, I'm gonna go with Wow. There's just
Speaker 4: so many incredible people on Instagram, aren't they?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 4: I really like actually struggle to I love Blarry Money.
Speaker 1: I don't know who that is.
Speaker 4: Oh, oh my gosh, Okay, you need to follow her.
Speaker 4: Blair Money. She does all of these like kind of
Speaker 4: segments on like breaking down this, breaking down this, and
Speaker 4: it's a lot having to do with race and diversity
Speaker 4: and sexuality and it's really really interesting. And she's a
Speaker 4: woman of color and she's just she's extremely smart, and
Speaker 4: she also brings in a lot of creators that specialized
Speaker 4: in those topics too, and elevates their voices, which I appreciate.
Speaker 4: And then fun, I like this woman called Ballerina Farm.
Speaker 1: Did we talk about Ballerina Farm? I don't think so,
Speaker 1: but I already am interested in the name.
Speaker 4: She is a Juilliard trained ballerina from New York or
Speaker 4: she trained in New York City and she moved to
Speaker 4: a farm and has about twenty five children, and now
Speaker 4: she just milks cows and like makes butter, and she
Speaker 4: just like all of her kids look like they're from
Speaker 4: the nineteen fifties and she's just out like milking a pig.
Speaker 4: I don't even know if you can milk a pig,
Speaker 4: but she will find a way. She literally birthed like
Speaker 4: her literal like seventh child. And then the next day
Speaker 4: on Instagram story, she's holding the newborn baby milking a cow,
Speaker 4: and I was like, I've never felt so underwhelming in
Speaker 4: my entire life. But I'm just like, no, I don't
Speaker 4: want to make sour do oh yep, I do want
Speaker 4: to learn how to make souredoa bread.
Speaker 1: I definitely want to watch her do it. It's amazing.
Speaker 3: We kind of talked about this at the top, actually,
Speaker 3: which is funny. What movie do you watch when you're sad.
Speaker 3: I like anything that's murdery. Oh god, you know, you
Speaker 3: know what's like a great movie? Two two really good
Speaker 3: ones for that. The movie Double Jeopardy.
Speaker 1: I love that movie, actually, Judd, Oh my god, that's
Speaker 1: just the shit movie. She's the shit.
Speaker 3: And the scene at the cemetery in New Orleans. Go
Speaker 3: watch that movie.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. If you haven't seen it, I don't
Speaker 1: know where you've been. I think I feel like.
Speaker 3: Double Morgan Freeman did not get enough praise at all.
Speaker 1: Morgan Freeman's in it.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and who doesn't love Morgan Freeman coming exactly? That
Speaker 4: movie is just if you want to feel like actually,
Speaker 4: both of these movies are like revenge man movies. So
Speaker 4: I don't know what that says about me.
Speaker 1: You and I have something. Also, the movie Enough with
Speaker 1: Jennifer Lopez all so so good. I think that's her
Speaker 1: best work.
Speaker 4: Same Also Aaron Brockovic another really great movie. When you're
Speaker 4: sad and you want to feel like women got it.
Speaker 4: Aaron Brockovitch. I watch that on every single single Delta flight.
Speaker 4: I'm on, Oh, I've seen all the movies, so I
Speaker 4: might as well choose the best one on there. You
Speaker 4: know what, I watch on every Delta flight when we
Speaker 4: used to be able to go on planes? Is what
Speaker 4: is it called now? It's it's about the women astronauts
Speaker 4: that worked for NASA.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, oh.
Speaker 4: My gosh good, it's it's so good. It's so good.
Speaker 4: It's like four black women that end up working for NASA.
Speaker 4: The name is not great of the movie, and that
Speaker 4: is why it is a Hidden Figures, Hidden Figures. But
Speaker 4: that is that name is not good for that movie.
Speaker 3: It's not it doesn't really like, it doesn't really express
Speaker 3: what it's about and how amazing those women were.
Speaker 4: But I watch that on every plane ride and then
Speaker 4: played Tetris while I do it.
Speaker 1: I don't know, it's my think.
Speaker 3: The new like Revenge against Men movie I watch on
Speaker 3: every flight is bombshell.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, also a great one, so really good and
Speaker 1: like you don't think you're gonna like it, but you do?
Speaker 1: Are we okay? So my laughs.
Speaker 3: I also have to say that there are a ton
Speaker 3: of male listeners on this podcast great and.
Speaker 1: Love you, We love you You are like.
Speaker 3: I get them sometimes the most thoughtful, most amazing messages,
Speaker 3: and I think the men that listen to this are
Speaker 3: like like they're really like great people.
Speaker 1: So I don't mean revenge against you. I just mean
Speaker 1: I like the movies. No, here's the thing. Women.
Speaker 4: For a long time, we were portrayed as a secondary figure,
Speaker 4: and it's really nice to see women really taking charge
Speaker 4: of their life.
Speaker 1: And it's not against you.
Speaker 4: We don't want to revenge kill you, but if we
Speaker 4: get wrongly accused for a crime, we're gonna commit it again.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 1: That's all we're saying.
Speaker 4: We don't want to kill you, but if you double
Speaker 4: jeopardy us, we're gonna get you.
Speaker 1: Or have you divorced us for a younger woman? Oh?
Speaker 3: Oh, okay, a book that changed your life that everybody
Speaker 3: should read.
Speaker 4: Oh, my favorite book of all time, How to Win
Speaker 4: Friends and Influence People by del Carnegie.
Speaker 1: Love that book. Have you read it?
Speaker 3: Actually? I started it and never finished. Three people have
Speaker 3: told me to read it. It's like a classic.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Other one is Daring Greatly by Breune Brown Class.
Speaker 3: Also something that I didn't finish because it was so
Speaker 3: dense and something I need to reread.
Speaker 1: So thank you for that.
Speaker 3: Okay, I do a pretty smart question every week. I
Speaker 3: choose a random one. Okay, what is something you wish
Speaker 3: people could see? About you that they don't see at
Speaker 3: first glance.
Speaker 1: I can be rather dry.
Speaker 4: I'm like very silly in my home life, and I'm
Speaker 4: I'm hilarious, like I'm hilarious like with people. But I
Speaker 4: think I'm more like dry sarcastic, like badass funny, and
Speaker 4: less like goofy. But at home, I'm very goofy, very silly,
Speaker 4: and I'm mostly just making up songs about my dog.
Speaker 1: I would have not known that about you. Yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: really silly. Why do you think that only comes out
Speaker 1: at home?
Speaker 4: I think let's end on this serious trauma note.
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 4: I think when I was younger, I had to be
Speaker 4: very self sufficient and very mature and kind of always
Speaker 4: portray this like strength, and so I want to be
Speaker 4: funny and like cutting, but I also, you know, I
Speaker 4: always try to be really kind in the you know,
Speaker 4: in all of that. But at home, I think all
Speaker 4: my guard comes down and I don't need to be strong.
Speaker 4: I can kind of rest. That part of me rest,
Speaker 4: and I like that part of me. It just gets
Speaker 4: to like take a breather while I'm at home, and
Speaker 4: I can just be silly and sing songs about my
Speaker 4: dog on the toilet and he loves my toilet songs,
Speaker 4: and my boyfriend does too, he just doesn't.
Speaker 1: Tell me that often.
Speaker 4: Right, Craig, Right, Craig, you love my toilet dog songs.
Speaker 1: Okay, what is the smartest decision you've ever made?
Speaker 4: The smartest decision I've ever made was actually a decision
Speaker 4: that was kind of made for me. My boss of
Speaker 4: eight years kind of basically like kindly fired me and
Speaker 4: told me to become an entrepreneur. And I guess the.
Speaker 1: Smartest decision I ever made was listening. That's pretty awesome.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Okay, I usually end on that, but you asked
Speaker 3: me something on your podcast that I loved. You said,
Speaker 3: if people can go and listen to one episode, which
Speaker 3: one should they listen to?
Speaker 1: So I'm going to ask you the same thing. Where
Speaker 1: where should people go if their first time listeners to
Speaker 1: press end?
Speaker 4: I mean obviously listen to our episode, but if they
Speaker 4: got enough of us? Oh okay, oh wow, I mean
Speaker 4: not sure how that would be possible. We've been talking
Speaker 4: about butts and toilet songs and cheating a range of things,
Speaker 4: and a bunch of early two thousands movies that have
Speaker 4: no relevance now. But you know what episodes You're really
Speaker 4: revealing for me, and they're actually not like a typical episode.
Speaker 4: Are my sex episodes with doctor Holly Richmond and my
Speaker 4: financial episodes with Shannon McLay. We give a lot of
Speaker 4: really great financial advice from an expert, not me, and
Speaker 4: really debunk a lot of.
Speaker 1: Myths around finances.
Speaker 4: And the sex episodes were really helpful because there's so
Speaker 4: much stigma surrounding talking about sex. We talk about everything
Speaker 4: from like the fallacy of the female orgasm, to like
Speaker 4: lacking desire with a partner versus them having more desire.
Speaker 4: We talk about, you know, different kinds of penetration, if
Speaker 4: you want to experiment with your sexuality, what that looks like.
Speaker 4: So those episodes for me, while they're atypical for the podcast,
Speaker 4: I really think they offer a lot of really important,
Speaker 4: typically stigmatized information.
Speaker 1: That's awesome. You know.
Speaker 3: I think finances are the one thing that people write
Speaker 3: into me about the most because it's like it's just
Speaker 3: so confusing. So that's really cool and a great resource.
Speaker 3: Thank you, Yeah, thank you. Thanks Jane.
Speaker 1: All Right, today is a good day. To have a
Speaker 1: good day. I'll see you next