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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology.

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Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to

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Speaker 2: the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in

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Speaker 2: the world, it is so great to have you here.

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Speaker 2: Back for another episode as we, of course break down

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Speaker 2: the Psychology of our twenties. Before we begin, I wanted

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Speaker 2: to talk about my other podcast, Mantra for just a second.

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Speaker 2: For those of you who don't know, this is actually

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Speaker 2: not my only podcast. It might come as a little

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Speaker 2: bit of a surprise. I don't think I talk about

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Speaker 2: it nearly as much as I should, But I do

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Speaker 2: have another show called Mantra, where each Monday I talk

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Speaker 2: about my mantra for the week and how I want

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Speaker 2: it to essentially guide me. It is like the Psychology

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Speaker 2: of Your Twenties, but it's kind of more spiritual and philosophical,

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Speaker 2: and it basically serves as a mental reset before you

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Speaker 2: start your week, before you have to deal with work,

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Speaker 2: with responsibilities, with family, friendship, drama, whatever it is. So

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Speaker 2: the episodes go for around thirty minutes, and they include

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Speaker 2: evidence backed mental exercises for really powerful mindset shifts, journal prompts,

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Speaker 2: a dive into wisdom from really great thinkers. Plus also

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Speaker 2: just like personal stories from me as well, and some

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Speaker 2: of the mantras that I've done recently that I really

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Speaker 2: really like and that I think will resonate with you

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Speaker 2: include things like I allow myself to be happy with

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Speaker 2: what I have, I make the best decisions with what

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Speaker 2: I know now, and I know that love won't past me.

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Speaker 2: There's so many more. So this is my ask of

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Speaker 2: you today, If you love the Psycho of your twenties,

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Speaker 2: give Mantra a listen. Just try one episode, see what

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Speaker 2: you think. It is very much a passion project for

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Speaker 2: me right now. So if you have feedback, if you

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Speaker 2: have mantras that you think I should do, if you

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Speaker 2: have a deep thought or dilemma that's been sitting heavy

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Speaker 2: on your soul, I'd love to hear it. I'd love

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Speaker 2: to cover it. So I'll leave a link in the

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Speaker 2: episode description. But again, thank you so much for giving

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Speaker 2: it a listen. Let's get back to the show and

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Speaker 2: what we're talking about today. Let me ask you a question,

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Speaker 2: how many times a day. Do you think you say

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Speaker 2: sorry five times, ten times, maybe in nearly every single sentence.

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Speaker 2: Sorry is definitely one of the most important words in

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Speaker 2: the human language. I think it is also one of

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Speaker 2: the most overused. We say it constantly in emails, in texts,

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Speaker 2: in relationships, at work, when we cut someone off, when

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Speaker 2: we speak up, when we take up space, even when

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Speaker 2: we haven't done anything wrong. It becomes this like automatic

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Speaker 2: filler word for us, a stand in for like please

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Speaker 2: excuse me, for don't hate me. And for some of us,

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Speaker 2: the word sorry is kind of part of who we

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Speaker 2: are and how we present ourselves. It's almost protective, like

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Speaker 2: we say it constantly, and I think that reveals a

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Speaker 2: lot about our insecurity, is our fear, our conditioning, And

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Speaker 2: it can also become, let's be real, completely exhausting. If

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Speaker 2: I'm being honest, I used to do this all the time.

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Speaker 2: I still catch myself doing it more than I'd like. Obviously,

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Speaker 2: it's super normal to say sorry when you do something

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Speaker 2: wrong and you want to express genuine remorse. But I

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Speaker 2: find that I say sorry in situations where it's not necessary.

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Speaker 2: I'm not actually sorry, and in fact someone else, maybe

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Speaker 2: even Owes me an apology. This habit has a name.

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Speaker 2: It's called chronic apologizing, the reflexive, often unconscious habit of

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Speaker 2: saying sorry for things that don't require an apology, and

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Speaker 2: it is a pattern that many of us fall into.

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Speaker 2: And for something so small and seemingly polite, chronic apologizing

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Speaker 2: can actually have a negative impact on our lives and

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Speaker 2: a really negative impact on how we view ourselves and

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Speaker 2: also how others view us. So in this episode, we

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Speaker 2: are going to unpack all of it, what chronic apologizing

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Speaker 2: actually looks like, the psychological roots of this habit, from

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Speaker 2: attachment theory to early life experiences, how it changes how

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Speaker 2: people see you in very strange ways that you probably

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Speaker 2: don't know. And most importantly, I think, how we can

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Speaker 2: break this cycle by actually rewriting our internal scripts for

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Speaker 2: taking up space, for being authentic, for just simply existing.

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Speaker 2: How we can change our internal scripts for expressing ourselves

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Speaker 2: instead of hiding behind this very innocuous, you know, self

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Speaker 2: preservation tool. So, just like all of our episodes, this

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Speaker 2: isn't about shaming. It's not to make you feel bad

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Speaker 2: for doing something that probably feels second nature. It's about

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Speaker 2: just understanding this habit and gaining some clarity and understanding why. So,

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Speaker 2: without further ado, let's get into the psychology of chronic apologizing.

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Speaker 2: Let's lay the groundwork to begin with, what do we

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Speaker 2: actually mean when we say that someone is a chronic apologizer. Now, obviously,

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Speaker 2: there is nothing wrong with a good genuine apology. Apologies

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Speaker 2: are essential in relationships because they repair, they're humbling, they

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Speaker 2: show compromise. But there is a difference between saying I'm sorry,

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Speaker 2: I sincerely accept that I have done the wrong thing

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Speaker 2: and just saying oh, sorry, I did this, Sorry I

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Speaker 2: did that. Sorry, as like a blanket statement for please

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Speaker 2: don't hate me. So, a genuine apology has a few

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Speaker 2: core ingredients, and an article from Harvard titled The Art

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Speaker 2: of a Heartfelt Apology actually really lays this out. So

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Speaker 2: they say that psychologically, a heartfelt apology has four main things. Firstly,

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Speaker 2: it acknowledges that the offense took place, and it takes

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Speaker 2: responsibility for the offense. It explains what happened without excusing it.

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Speaker 2: It expresses sincere remorse, and it offers to make amends.

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Speaker 2: For example, a sincere apology is something like I'm sorry,

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Speaker 2: I was late, I acknowledge I'm late traffic was insane,

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Speaker 2: But I should have left earlier and it won't happen again.

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Speaker 2: That's good. That's taking ownership. And when you actually then

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Speaker 2: end up doing something on your promise to not let

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Speaker 2: it happen again, that's even better. But when you're apologizing

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Speaker 2: constantly for just existing, for speaking, for needing things, it

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Speaker 2: starts to become something that is a skeleton of that

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Speaker 2: and at its call chronic apologizing. It's basically when we

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Speaker 2: say sorry so frequently that it begins to lose its

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Speaker 2: meaning and that it becomes a reflex. So think of

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Speaker 2: it almost like a filler word. So just a normal

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Speaker 2: sentence like can I just say something quickly? We have

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Speaker 2: to begin with sorry. Can I just say something quickly

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Speaker 2: before you've even said the thing? Am I bothering you? Sorry?

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Speaker 2: Am I bothering you? I didn't mean to take up

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Speaker 2: so much time. Sorry, I didn't mean to take up

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Speaker 2: so much time. Can I just grab that item? Sorry?

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Speaker 2: Can I just grab that item? It's this word that

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Speaker 2: we place in front of all sentences where we're asking permission,

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Speaker 2: almost to kind of say to someone I don't mean

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Speaker 2: to cause offense, don't come and bite my head off.

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Speaker 2: And it's such a knee jerk reaction, and often we

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Speaker 2: do it because we feel like we aren't actually allowed

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Speaker 2: to take up space. We feel like sorry is a

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Speaker 2: way for us to make ourselves smaller and more palatable

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Speaker 2: and you know, more tasteful to other people. It's a

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Speaker 2: verbal filler. And here's the kicker, this constant apologizing. It's

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Speaker 2: often more for us actually than it is for other people.

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Speaker 2: We think that it's about making other people happy. Really

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Speaker 2: it's about managing our own discomfort around how we think

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Speaker 2: that people will see us, and so sorry actually becomes

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Speaker 2: a very deeply ingrained internal strategy to manage our own anxiety, discomfort,

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Speaker 2: or fear of disapproval. Essentially, what we're trying to do

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Speaker 2: when we say sorry before any sentence is we're trying

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Speaker 2: to control how we're perceived. We're trying to soften our

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Speaker 2: presence or to preemptively diffuse any potential negative reaction, even

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Speaker 2: if that reaction only exists in our minds. And it's

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Speaker 2: essentially a mechanism to allow us to feel like we

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Speaker 2: are controlling how other people see us, and we're controlling

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Speaker 2: that narrative in a way that makes people not see

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Speaker 2: us as a threat, so whilst it is directed at

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Speaker 2: someone else, the true function often lies in our own

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Speaker 2: internal emotional landscape and the fact that we cannot deal

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Speaker 2: or manage the idea of someone seeing us differently to

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Speaker 2: how we want to be perceived, being mad at us,

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Speaker 2: being frustrated, or not liking us. You know, this is

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Speaker 2: not just a random habit. It's not just like a

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Speaker 2: funny thing. There are deep psychological roots here, and many

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Speaker 2: theories will point to early childhood experiences and the messages

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Speaker 2: that we internalized about our worth, our safety, and our

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Speaker 2: relationships very early on. One key concept here is self worth.

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Speaker 2: If you grew up in an environment where you felt

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Speaker 2: like you constantly had to earn love or approval, or

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Speaker 2: maybe where expressing yourself led to criticism and validation punishment,

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Speaker 2: you may have possibly learned that being small, accommodating, unassuming

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Speaker 2: was the safest path. Apologizing almost became a way to

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Speaker 2: shrink yourself, to make yourself less of a target, especially

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Speaker 2: if you had parents or family members who were volatile,

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Speaker 2: who were violent, or if you were in a big family.

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Speaker 2: The way that we saw this as a child was

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Speaker 2: if I apologized before they get the chance to be

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Speaker 2: upset with me, maybe they will accept me as I am,

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Speaker 2: rather than need to find something wrong or rather than

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Speaker 2: needing to find something to attack me. For you're somewhat

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Speaker 2: at their mercy when you're a child, right, You're at

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Speaker 2: the mercy of your pearance of older family members, of

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Speaker 2: older siblings, and so this becomes part of the armor.

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Speaker 2: This is also, of course a classic pattern of people pleasing,

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Speaker 2: which we've discussed on the podcast before, probably like three

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Speaker 2: years ago now if you want to listen to that episode.

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Speaker 2: But another major contributor to that people pleasing apologizing shrinking

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Speaker 2: cycle is also anxiety. For those of us with high

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Speaker 2: levels of anxiety, especially social anxiety, apologizing is a way

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Speaker 2: again to control the interaction, but also it's a form

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Speaker 2: of safety seeking behavior. So this refers to actions that

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Speaker 2: we take to try and relieve some of our anxiety,

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Speaker 2: specifically around things that we see as a threat. So

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Speaker 2: if you are someone who is naturally socially anxious and

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Speaker 2: you see interacting with other people as very scary and

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Speaker 2: you know, anxiety inducing and freaky, this sorry technique almost

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Speaker 2: becomes a self sooth. Yes, there is the example we

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Speaker 2: gave before of it being a way to control someone

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Speaker 2: how someone sees you, and that making you feel calm.

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Speaker 2: But also, even though you know your stories may not

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Speaker 2: be doing anything for you, it feels like this nice

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Speaker 2: thing you can return to that feels safe and feels calm.

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Speaker 2: It almost becomes a ritual. Saying sorry before every sentence

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Speaker 2: means that you can get the words out, means that

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Speaker 2: you feel more prepared. However, as much as we hope

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Speaker 2: that a sorry is going to diffuse our anxiety, research

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Speaker 2: does actually suggest the opposite. The two thousand and nine

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Speaker 2: study published by Cambridge University actually suggests that these kinds

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Speaker 2: of safety seeking anxious apologies actually serve as anxiety maintenance.

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Speaker 2: They feel they bring us a sense of relief in

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Speaker 2: the moment, but they keep the anxiety cycle going and

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Speaker 2: they negatively reinforce all we're feeling. So in the moment,

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Speaker 2: you're getting the fleeting relief from the anxiety because the

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Speaker 2: perceived reward, the removal of an unpleasant feeling, is making

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Speaker 2: you feel better. But it also means that we never

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Speaker 2: actually confront the possibility of not saying sorry, and of

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Speaker 2: people not liking us, and of social situations not going well,

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Speaker 2: and realizing that we are still very capable in those situations.

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Speaker 2: A lot of our fear is maintained by never actually

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Speaker 2: experiencing the thing that we're scared of. But if we

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Speaker 2: were to be put in a situation where we didn't

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Speaker 2: say sorry and someone was mad at us, we may

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Speaker 2: just realize, you know, that isn't the end of the world,

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Speaker 2: Like we aren't going to die because of that. Someone

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Speaker 2: not liking us is actually sometimes not even our problem.

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Speaker 1: Now.

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Speaker 2: Whilst chronic apologizing is predominantly rooted in anxiety and people

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Speaker 2: pleasing in early life experiences, it's also worth noting a

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Speaker 2: more specific, albeit less common overlap. In some very rare instances,

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Speaker 2: excessive apologizing might actually take on a compulsive quality, hinting

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Speaker 2: it like a very deep connection to OCD obsessive compulsive disorder.

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Speaker 2: So that thing I was talking about before, where you

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Speaker 2: say sorry as a habit, you say sorry almost as

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Speaker 2: a ritual. You say sorry because you can't imagine not

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Speaker 2: saying sorry. You think that something bad's going to happen

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Speaker 2: if you don't do it. For someone with OCD, that's

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Speaker 2: what we would call a compulsion, a repetitive mental or

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Speaker 2: behavioral act performed in response to a very intrusive, painful,

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Speaker 2: distressing thought and obsession, and we perform the compulsion as

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Speaker 2: a way to reduce or prevent a dreaded outcome. So,

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Speaker 2: for example, if someone has an obsession about being terribly

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Speaker 2: rude and not having realized it and someone being mad

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Speaker 2: at them, they might engage in excessive checking rituals that

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Speaker 2: include repetitive apologies as a way to stop themselves from

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Speaker 2: feeling so anxious about this thing coming true. There's no

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Speaker 2: logical reason behind it. We know that saying sorry repetitively

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Speaker 2: might not actually change anything, but because it is driven

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Speaker 2: by this very strong urge to neutralize a negative thought,

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Speaker 2: it feels like we can't stop ourselves. If you're apologizing,

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Speaker 2: maybe feels like less than a general habit and more

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Speaker 2: like an uncontrollable ritual tied to a specific distressing situation

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Speaker 2: or belief or thought that something terrible is going to happen.

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Speaker 2: This might be something that a mental health professional could

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Speaker 2: use to differentiate between a chronic apologizer who is just

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Speaker 2: anxious and someone who has OCD and who this chronic

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Speaker 2: apologizing may be a symptom of. Let's talk about a

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Speaker 2: few other explanations here. One of them being social learning theory.

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Speaker 2: So obviously we can pick up apologizing as a habit

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Speaker 2: when we realize that it tends to make people less

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Speaker 2: frustrated at us, and if that was the childhood and

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Speaker 2: family environment we grew up in, that becomes a strategy.

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Speaker 2: Through that means as a way to stop someone from

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Speaker 2: being critical of you, as a way to deal with

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Speaker 2: an inconsistent or unpredictable caregiver, a response or a family

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Speaker 2: response to deal with disapproval and rejection in a family unit.

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Speaker 2: There's another way that this is impressed upon us as well,

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Speaker 2: and it's through social learning theory, where basically, if we

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Speaker 2: observe our parents apologizing a lot, we tend to imitate

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Speaker 2: that if you had a parent or a significant adult

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Speaker 2: in your life who was a chronic apologizer, constantly saying

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Speaker 2: sorry for minor infractions or even for their mere presence.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes you simply pick up on that habit by being

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Speaker 2: close to them, and you internalize it as a normal

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Speaker 2: way of communicating, completely unaware of its underlying psycho logical impact.

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Speaker 2: You know you saw it, so you did it. And

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Speaker 2: people will often say that this really comes down to

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Speaker 2: their mothers and how their mothers treated the outside world,

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Speaker 2: or were treated by their fathers, would be treated by

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Speaker 2: other people oftentimes like it's our moms who are the

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Speaker 2: ones who are made to feel very small and the

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Speaker 2: ones who apologize constantly if they're not confident, if they

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Speaker 2: aren't typically outspoken, And we see that, especially if you're

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Speaker 2: a woman. You see how your mom responded to the

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Speaker 2: environment and to the patriarchy, and you start doing that yourself,

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Speaker 2: and you don't really understand it until perhaps a partner

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Speaker 2: calls you out on it, or a friend starts to

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Speaker 2: call you out on it and says, hey, like, you

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Speaker 2: don't need to say sorry for that, But because you

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Speaker 2: saw how your mother or a parent gained reassurance through

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Speaker 2: excessive apologizing, and how perhaps or someone else in your

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Speaker 2: life used stories as a way to remain vigilant over

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Speaker 2: potential threats, you just can't avoid doing it. You can't

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Speaker 2: avoid it. I think a lot of this can really

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Speaker 2: be nicely explained by the faun response, which we talked

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Speaker 2: about on an episode a few weeks back on emotionally

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Speaker 2: immature Parents, But as a refresh, if you don't if

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Speaker 2: you didn't listen to that episode, fawning is basically a

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Speaker 2: recent addition to the fight flight or freeze response that

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Speaker 2: we all know about, fight flight and freeze basically an

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Speaker 2: in built way of responding to danger and how we

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Speaker 2: go about surviving that danger. But recently researchers have really

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Speaker 2: been identified another form of survival, which is to make

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Speaker 2: friends with the danger. To make friends with the threat.

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Speaker 2: This is a really weird analogy, but if you've ever

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Speaker 2: watched a nature documentary with pack animals, you might see

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Speaker 2: how wolves or iotes they forwn the alpha, they lick them,

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Speaker 2: they almost bow down to them as a way of

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Speaker 2: basically saying, you know, no need to dominate over me,

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Speaker 2: like I'm already letting you. You don't need to teach

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Speaker 2: me the hard way. I get it already. Fawning is

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Speaker 2: a way of surviving, a very deeply entrenched way of

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Speaker 2: surviving by prioritizing others' needs and feelings to maintain your

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Speaker 2: own safety. In childhood, for you, this may have looked

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Speaker 2: like being the good kid who never caused trouble, who

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Speaker 2: always agreed quickly apologized for anything that upset a teacher

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Speaker 2: or a parent. You learned that you were safest when

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Speaker 2: you made friends with the potential individual who might harm you,

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Speaker 2: either emotionally or physically, and this becomes this underlying message

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Speaker 2: throughout our life. I'm only safe if I am agreeable.

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Speaker 2: My needs are less important than yours. I must not

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Speaker 2: upset the balance. And this is really what we're doing

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Speaker 2: this entire time. We're fawning. Whether it is because of

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Speaker 2: a safety seeking scenario, whether it is to reduce our

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Speaker 2: anxiety around being perceived strangely, whether it is OCD, whether

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Speaker 2: it is learnt. What we are trying to do is say,

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Speaker 2: don't hurt me. I am not someone that you need

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Speaker 2: to be mad at. Okay, we're going to take a

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Speaker 2: short break, but when we return, we're going to explore

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Speaker 2: why this may have such an impact on us in

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Speaker 2: our twenties, and finally, how we can start to undo

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Speaker 2: this very deeply ingrained habit. So stay with us. Let's

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Speaker 2: turn our attention specifically to how this plays out in

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Speaker 2: our twenties. This is obviously a decade of intense growth,

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Speaker 2: of self discovery, of building very foundational adult relationships and careers.

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Speaker 2: Chronic apologizing, when it's pervasive and ingrained, can impact us

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Speaker 2: in those really critical areas. Firstly, it significantly impacts our

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Speaker 2: relationships and I'm talking about all relationships here, are not

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Speaker 2: just romantic partnerships, but friendships, family, even the connection that

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Speaker 2: you have with yourself. A massive part of this is

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Speaker 2: because it can act as a way that blurs boundaries.

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Speaker 2: When you constantly apologize, you're essentially sending a subtle, off

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Speaker 2: an unconscious message to others that your needs, opinions, even

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Speaker 2: your mere presence are secondary to their comfort. This, of course,

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Speaker 2: makes it incredibly difficult to set healthy boundaries. For instance,

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Speaker 2: if you apologize for saying no to an invitation or

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Speaker 2: for expressing a preference in a group decision, you are

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Speaker 2: inadvertently teaching others that they can push back, that your

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Speaker 2: boundaries are negotiable, or that you feel guilty for having them.

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Speaker 2: You know, most people who love you and who care

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Speaker 2: about you, they won't push that respect what you want,

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Speaker 2: and they will respect your decision. But god forbid you

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Speaker 2: encounter someone who wants something from you that you don't

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Speaker 2: want to give them, or who was naturally manipulative. Manipulative

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00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:16,840
Speaker 2: people are incredibly socially aware, and they can see this

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Speaker 2: habit and use it against you. They know that saying

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Speaker 2: sorry often means I feel guilty for what I'm saying

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Speaker 2: I feel guilty for letting you down, and so if

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Speaker 2: they just push that button a few more times, maybe

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Speaker 2: you'll give in. This dynamic is particularly interesting when we

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Speaker 2: look at gender differences in communication styles. Research by linguists

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Speaker 2: and social psychologists have explored how women often use apologies

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Speaker 2: and other softening language more frequently than men, sometimes as

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Speaker 2: a way to maintain rapport or to avoid perceived aggression.

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Speaker 2: And whilst this can be a really valuable social tool

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Speaker 2: in some contexts, you know, trying to avoid aggravating someone,

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Speaker 2: trying to tone down potentially volatile situations, when it becomes

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Speaker 2: chronic and across different contexts, it can inadvertently diminish our assertiveness.

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Speaker 2: It makes it harder to be perceived as someone with clear,

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Speaker 2: non negotiable boundaries, and that leads to feelings of resentment

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Speaker 2: or being taken advantage of. It means that we don't

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Speaker 2: feel like we can be assertive anymore, that we don't

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Speaker 2: have the voice for that. A study published in twenty ten,

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Speaker 2: it was published in Psychological Sciences, It found that women

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Speaker 2: tend to apologize more than men, not just because they've

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Speaker 2: necessarily done more things wrong, but because often we perceive

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Speaker 2: our behavior in public settings as inherently offensive or intrusive.

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Speaker 2: We feel like me existing, me being loud, that's not palatable,

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Speaker 2: that's not enjoyable. People don't want to hear from me.

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Speaker 2: And this can have huge implications in terms of how

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Speaker 2: willing we are to speak up for ourselves when a

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Speaker 2: partner hurts our feelings, when a friend crosses the line,

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Speaker 2: when our parents or our boss doesn't respect our boundaries.

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Speaker 2: If every statement is prefaced with sorry, or every opinion

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Speaker 2: is softened by an apology, your voice to you starts

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Speaker 2: to feel like it's losing its power. This isn't just

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Speaker 2: about how others see you, This is how you hear yourself.

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Speaker 2: Your internal voice begins to mirror your external one, reinforcing

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Speaker 2: the idea that your thoughts and your feelings they aren't

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Speaker 2: valid and less cushioned by an apology. And that can

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Speaker 2: even mean that when we're just thinking private thoughts to ourselves,

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Speaker 2: like oh, I would really like to do that, or

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Speaker 2: I would really like to achieve that thing, or I

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00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:48,320
Speaker 2: think I really deserve to be treated better, this other

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00:24:48,359 --> 00:24:51,320
Speaker 2: part of us goes no, No, you're not shrink down,

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Speaker 2: stay small, don't make a fuss that part of you

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Speaker 2: that has been pleasing others really starts to enforce some

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Speaker 2: very strong and harsh rules upon what you think you

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Speaker 2: can ask of yourself and what you think you deserve,

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Speaker 2: which is when we start to self abandon. Is when

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00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:13,000
Speaker 2: we start to say, oh, yeah, I don't deserve that thing,

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Speaker 2: even though no one has told you that you don't

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Speaker 2: deserve it, or no, I shouldn't ask for anything else,

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Speaker 2: even though you know the universe isn't greedy. The universe

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Speaker 2: has a lot to give. People want to give you things,

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00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:27,960
Speaker 2: they want to be kind to you. I've often found

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Speaker 2: with my friends who apologize a lot and who don't

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Speaker 2: really ask for things, I'm like waiting for them to

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Speaker 2: ask me for something. Like my sister is someone who

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Speaker 2: is like this, and she never asks for anything from anybody,

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00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:44,159
Speaker 2: and the moments that she does, I'm so excited by it.

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Speaker 2: Because someone who loves you and who cares about you

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00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:50,199
Speaker 2: like wants to be able to reassure you and validate you,

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00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:55,160
Speaker 2: and wants to be able to give ironically despite best intentions.

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00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:58,679
Speaker 2: And I debated whether to talk about this, but I

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00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:02,720
Speaker 2: think it's important. Apologizing can actually create a lot of

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00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:06,520
Speaker 2: distance within relationships, you know, think about it. If we're

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00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:10,600
Speaker 2: not really expressing what we think and we feel we're

403
00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:14,960
Speaker 2: not letting ourselves be authentic, it means that someone doesn't

404
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:18,160
Speaker 2: really know how to love us better. There's not really

405
00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:22,000
Speaker 2: a genuine connection there that's built on self expression and

406
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:25,159
Speaker 2: vulnerability because you are showing up as someone in this

407
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:29,040
Speaker 2: relationship who isn't really you. You're showing up as the person

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00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:32,200
Speaker 2: that you think someone else wants you to be, and

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00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:36,000
Speaker 2: so this person can't really get to know you, like

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00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:39,240
Speaker 2: there's a wall, there is a layer that they're never

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00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:42,160
Speaker 2: going to crack, and that can make it really hard

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00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:45,720
Speaker 2: to grow together, especially if there is a constant need

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00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:48,840
Speaker 2: to appease them. Sometimes they can also be a frustration

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00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:52,159
Speaker 2: of like stop thinking only about me and let me

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00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:55,640
Speaker 2: think about you. That can make them feel like maybe

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00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:57,600
Speaker 2: you don't trust them. That can make them feel like

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00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:00,800
Speaker 2: maybe you think you need to make yourself smaller for them,

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00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:04,280
Speaker 2: that they're a bad partner. In professional settings as well,

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00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:08,520
Speaker 2: excessive apologizing, you know, it can inadvertently signal a lack

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00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:11,960
Speaker 2: of confidence, a lack of competence. It can kind of

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00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:19,320
Speaker 2: subtly undermine your presence in meetings in the workplace, at

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00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:23,919
Speaker 2: lunches in professional settings, basically because you send a signal

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00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:26,760
Speaker 2: to others that you don't trust yourself and that you

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00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:30,479
Speaker 2: feel like an imposition, so perhaps they start to see

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00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:31,480
Speaker 2: it your way.

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00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:32,359
Speaker 1: They start to.

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00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:36,280
Speaker 2: Say, well, if that person believes that they are useless

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00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:39,920
Speaker 2: and that what they're saying is annoying or frustrating, well

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00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,000
Speaker 2: maybe what they think about themselves is right, and I

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00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,720
Speaker 2: should start to think about them that way as well.

431
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:49,400
Speaker 2: A twenty ten study actually found that, you know, uncertain

432
00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:55,280
Speaker 2: language apologetic language can really diminish your perceived authority, but

433
00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:58,719
Speaker 2: it can also make you come off as insincere, and

434
00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:03,919
Speaker 2: it can mean that people trust to you less. So

435
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:09,160
Speaker 2: the paradox of chronic apologizing is that we do it

436
00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:11,320
Speaker 2: to make other people happy, and we do it to

437
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:14,640
Speaker 2: make our anxiety less in the face of other people

438
00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:17,720
Speaker 2: and around other people. But actually it leads to the

439
00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:22,280
Speaker 2: opposite outcomes. It makes you feel less seen, makes people

440
00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:25,960
Speaker 2: value you less, and it makes you more isolated. It's a,

441
00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:28,840
Speaker 2: you know, a survival strategy that ultimately we do have

442
00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:32,240
Speaker 2: to find a way around. We have to find a

443
00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:34,959
Speaker 2: way around this idea that we have to be small,

444
00:28:35,119 --> 00:28:36,879
Speaker 2: that we have to be nice, that we have to

445
00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:41,680
Speaker 2: be kind and appealing and appeasing in order to get

446
00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:45,360
Speaker 2: what we want. So, now that we know why this happens,

447
00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:51,040
Speaker 2: now that we understand the consequences, let's really attempt to

448
00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:55,240
Speaker 2: rewire this automatic response and build a new, healthier one.

449
00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:58,760
Speaker 2: This definitely takes patience. Most importantly, it takes a lot

450
00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:02,920
Speaker 2: of self compassion. There is no shame in chronic apologizing,

451
00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:08,400
Speaker 2: There is no embarrassment to it. How other people see

452
00:29:08,400 --> 00:29:10,360
Speaker 2: you as a result of this, or as a result

453
00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:13,840
Speaker 2: of not doing this is actually not your problem. But

454
00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:16,320
Speaker 2: let's find a way to rewire it for you so

455
00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:19,080
Speaker 2: that you feel like you're taking up less space and

456
00:29:19,080 --> 00:29:23,360
Speaker 2: perhaps are just less exhausted from constantly needing to be

457
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:27,120
Speaker 2: protecting yourself in this way. The first and arguably most

458
00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:30,920
Speaker 2: crucial step is simply noticing it. You know you cannot

459
00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:34,640
Speaker 2: change what you are not aware of, So identify your triggers.

460
00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:38,880
Speaker 2: Start paying attention to when you apologize. Is it with

461
00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:44,480
Speaker 2: certain people, a certain kind of person, specific situations? Is

462
00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:47,959
Speaker 2: it when you're feeling a particular emotion, like insecurity or

463
00:29:48,480 --> 00:29:52,000
Speaker 2: fear of judgment? Maybe you notice it more when you're

464
00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:55,440
Speaker 2: asking for something or when you're expressing a differing opinion

465
00:29:55,520 --> 00:30:00,440
Speaker 2: compared to neutral situations. It's particularly important to not if

466
00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:04,400
Speaker 2: it's around certain people, because that's going to really, I think,

467
00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:06,840
Speaker 2: factor into your assessment as to whether you are your

468
00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:10,440
Speaker 2: most unique, authentic version of you with these people and

469
00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:13,760
Speaker 2: whether perhaps they're not the most well suited to be

470
00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:16,960
Speaker 2: in your life. Next, I want you to really challenge

471
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:20,640
Speaker 2: your automatic thoughts. As we've said already in this episode,

472
00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:23,600
Speaker 2: this is a habit. This is a habit that has

473
00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:26,640
Speaker 2: been built on the fact that apologizing has brought you

474
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:30,320
Speaker 2: some kind of relief or some kind of pleasant feeling,

475
00:30:30,400 --> 00:30:33,160
Speaker 2: even if that pleasant feeling is the removal of a

476
00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:36,480
Speaker 2: negative feeling. So once you start noticing the habit, you

477
00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:39,120
Speaker 2: have to begin to question the thoughts that fuel it.

478
00:30:39,440 --> 00:30:41,479
Speaker 2: To do this, we really want to start to question

479
00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:45,960
Speaker 2: why we feel the need to apologize. When you catch

480
00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:51,280
Speaker 2: yourself mid apology, ask yourself, what am I really apologizing for? Here?

481
00:30:53,160 --> 00:30:56,760
Speaker 2: Is anyone really that mad at me? Did I really

482
00:30:56,800 --> 00:31:00,960
Speaker 2: do anything that bad? Am I really sorry? Is the

483
00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:02,880
Speaker 2: thing that I feel sorry for actually something that I

484
00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:05,400
Speaker 2: should feel sorry for? Or have I just asked for

485
00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:09,120
Speaker 2: something that I needed? Have I just existed? Have I

486
00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:13,600
Speaker 2: just been human? Challenge the assumption that you are constantly

487
00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:17,960
Speaker 2: doing things wrong and ask yourself, if someone else did

488
00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:20,240
Speaker 2: this thing, what I feel like they needed to apologize

489
00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:24,120
Speaker 2: for it? Because the answer is often one hundred percent no.

490
00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:29,080
Speaker 2: But we are much harsher and much much more severe

491
00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:33,600
Speaker 2: as critics when it comes to ourselves. If you're apologizing

492
00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:38,520
Speaker 2: to avoid a negative reaction, ask yourself, what's the worst

493
00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:42,920
Speaker 2: realistic outcome that could happen if I don't say sorry

494
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:47,880
Speaker 2: right now? Often the catastrophic scenario we build up in

495
00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:51,480
Speaker 2: our heads it is far more dramatic than what is

496
00:31:51,520 --> 00:31:56,520
Speaker 2: actually going to unfold. Maybe someone will be mildly inconvenienced

497
00:31:56,520 --> 00:32:00,480
Speaker 2: for a moment, or they might not even notice. Also,

498
00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:05,600
Speaker 2: you're inconveniencing yourself by saying sorry. Why do you deserve

499
00:32:05,640 --> 00:32:09,000
Speaker 2: to be inconvenienced more than they deserve to be inconvenienced?

500
00:32:09,640 --> 00:32:13,120
Speaker 2: People are okay, People will tell you if they're upset.

501
00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:17,280
Speaker 2: People are responsible for their own feelings. People are allowed

502
00:32:17,320 --> 00:32:19,480
Speaker 2: to be annoyed at you and frustrated at you, and

503
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:22,440
Speaker 2: they will get over it. They will get over it.

504
00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:27,400
Speaker 2: That is their problem. You're just existing. They're just existing.

505
00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:31,840
Speaker 2: They aren't entitled to a life that is free of

506
00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:36,000
Speaker 2: inconvenience and discomfort, the same way that you aren't either.

507
00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:40,040
Speaker 2: And so if they genuinely believe that they are entitled

508
00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:43,640
Speaker 2: to everyone kind of kissing their eyes and making their

509
00:32:43,680 --> 00:32:48,120
Speaker 2: life feel easy and frictionless and free of frustration, and

510
00:32:48,160 --> 00:32:51,200
Speaker 2: that's your job, not their job, to regulate their emotions.

511
00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:54,840
Speaker 2: That is their problem. I don't know if anyone's ever

512
00:32:54,880 --> 00:32:57,760
Speaker 2: told you this, but it's not your job to manage

513
00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:00,520
Speaker 2: everyone else's emotional state. Twenty four to seven. You don't

514
00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:05,440
Speaker 2: have the ability to do that. You don't have the time. Finally,

515
00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:10,000
Speaker 2: really reframe your script, both internally and externally. Instead of

516
00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:13,680
Speaker 2: thinking I must apologize I'm being such a bother, try

517
00:33:13,720 --> 00:33:17,200
Speaker 2: reframing it to something like, actually, my needs are valid.

518
00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:20,240
Speaker 2: It's okay to ask for what I need. My perspective

519
00:33:20,280 --> 00:33:24,240
Speaker 2: is valuable, even if it's different. I'm just as entitled

520
00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:28,720
Speaker 2: to the space as they are. This isn't about becoming inconsiderate.

521
00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:31,000
Speaker 2: In fact, I don't think you could ever be inconsiderate

522
00:33:31,120 --> 00:33:35,080
Speaker 2: considering where you're coming from. Right, A chronic apologizer is

523
00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:38,160
Speaker 2: never going to turn into someone who is brutally rude

524
00:33:38,200 --> 00:33:40,040
Speaker 2: because that part of them is always going to be

525
00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:44,760
Speaker 2: there kind of but it's really about just affirming your

526
00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:49,760
Speaker 2: right to exist and to express yourself authentically. I also

527
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:53,320
Speaker 2: think the power of the pause here is so key.

528
00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:57,680
Speaker 2: This is your new best friend. Before the sorry automatically

529
00:33:57,720 --> 00:33:59,920
Speaker 2: tumbles out, take a tiny breath, just a second, or

530
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:04,640
Speaker 2: to take a pause and decide whether you're going to

531
00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:08,400
Speaker 2: apologize rather than just letting it come out of your mouth.

532
00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:12,760
Speaker 2: And if you want to say sorry, try and replace

533
00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:16,160
Speaker 2: it with a better alternative, try and swap it out.

534
00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:18,440
Speaker 2: I'm going to give you some examples here, and I'm

535
00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:20,040
Speaker 2: going to give you a bit of a list because

536
00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:23,040
Speaker 2: I think it's really helpful to have it in your mind,

537
00:34:23,239 --> 00:34:26,480
Speaker 2: Like some examples of what you could say as an alternative.

538
00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:30,400
Speaker 2: Instead of saying sorry to bother you when asking for help,

539
00:34:30,920 --> 00:34:34,040
Speaker 2: try something like excuse me, do you have a moment,

540
00:34:34,719 --> 00:34:37,040
Speaker 2: or when you have a chance, could you help me

541
00:34:37,080 --> 00:34:40,400
Speaker 2: with this? Or even just a simple like hi, I

542
00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:44,440
Speaker 2: have a question. Instead of saying sorry for the delay

543
00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:50,960
Speaker 2: in replying, try thanks for your patience. I use this

544
00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:54,440
Speaker 2: all the time, like I have nothing to apologize for

545
00:34:54,680 --> 00:34:57,160
Speaker 2: if I didn't get to someone's email because I was

546
00:34:57,160 --> 00:34:59,839
Speaker 2: getting to other people's emails or I was doing other

547
00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:03,600
Speaker 2: thing things, So saying thank you puts the onus on

548
00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:06,960
Speaker 2: them and saying I appreciate you rather than I feel

549
00:35:06,960 --> 00:35:10,080
Speaker 2: like I've done something wrong, And it really does change

550
00:35:10,120 --> 00:35:12,719
Speaker 2: the tone to be one that's a lot more positive.

551
00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:15,480
Speaker 2: Instead of you having to say sorry, and then I

552
00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:17,040
Speaker 2: have to say like, oh no, it's no problem, and

553
00:35:17,080 --> 00:35:19,480
Speaker 2: you have to say, oh yeah, nobody, Actually I'm really sorry.

554
00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:22,120
Speaker 2: It's like no, thank you and they say yeah, you're

555
00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:25,719
Speaker 2: very welcome. You know, it's a much nicer, more positive interaction.

556
00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:30,000
Speaker 2: Instead of saying sorry to interrupt or sorry, can I

557
00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:32,919
Speaker 2: just say something in a meeting or at work or

558
00:35:33,360 --> 00:35:36,680
Speaker 2: with friends, try I actually have a thought on that,

559
00:35:36,960 --> 00:35:40,160
Speaker 2: or could I actually add something here, or just simply

560
00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:45,560
Speaker 2: waiting for a natural pause in the conversation. When someone

561
00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:50,080
Speaker 2: bumps into you, this is a classic. Instead of automatically

562
00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:56,080
Speaker 2: saying sorry, try saying nothing or a simple oh, excuse me,

563
00:35:56,719 --> 00:35:59,799
Speaker 2: if you genuinely need to pass, or if you know

564
00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:02,680
Speaker 2: they've bumped into you and you're like, you have to

565
00:36:02,719 --> 00:36:06,959
Speaker 2: say sorry to me, dude, you come on your turn.

566
00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:10,360
Speaker 2: Hate I hate doing this, like I hate when I

567
00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:12,440
Speaker 2: do this I had to call myself out on this.

568
00:36:12,440 --> 00:36:14,560
Speaker 2: The other day, I had my dog Tylo at the

569
00:36:14,600 --> 00:36:18,600
Speaker 2: dog park and someone's dog like ran up and like

570
00:36:18,719 --> 00:36:22,439
Speaker 2: was barking at her and trying to basically like attack her.

571
00:36:22,880 --> 00:36:25,600
Speaker 2: And I obviously had full control over her, and she

572
00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:27,319
Speaker 2: was just looking at me, like what is this person doing?

573
00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:30,280
Speaker 2: And the guy like comes up and I'm like, oh sorry,

574
00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:34,319
Speaker 2: oh sorry. He didn't say sorry to me once, and

575
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:36,640
Speaker 2: yet his dog was off leash and running at mine

576
00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:39,319
Speaker 2: and making us feel uncomfortable. He just looked at me

577
00:36:39,360 --> 00:36:42,960
Speaker 2: and was like, oh, no worries. And I left that

578
00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:46,600
Speaker 2: interaction just being like what just happened? Like this guy

579
00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:51,080
Speaker 2: probably thinks he's done nothing wrong, and I feel really

580
00:36:51,200 --> 00:36:53,560
Speaker 2: terrible and I feel like, I don't know. I just

581
00:36:53,560 --> 00:36:55,279
Speaker 2: felt like he had so much power over me in

582
00:36:55,280 --> 00:36:58,799
Speaker 2: that situation because I said sorry. I wish i'd said

583
00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:02,600
Speaker 2: something else, but that's what we're talking about here today. Finally,

584
00:37:02,640 --> 00:37:06,240
Speaker 2: instead of saying something like sorry for rambling or sorry

585
00:37:06,239 --> 00:37:08,040
Speaker 2: for taking up your time, which is a big one,

586
00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:10,640
Speaker 2: I think we often feel like we can't take up

587
00:37:10,680 --> 00:37:14,879
Speaker 2: as much verbal space as other people. We need to

588
00:37:14,920 --> 00:37:17,880
Speaker 2: be quiet. If you're someone who is constantly thinking like,

589
00:37:17,920 --> 00:37:20,280
Speaker 2: are we talking the same amount? Is that person talking

590
00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:23,000
Speaker 2: as much as I am? And should I talk less?

591
00:37:23,360 --> 00:37:25,759
Speaker 2: This one's for you instead. I want you to try

592
00:37:25,800 --> 00:37:28,480
Speaker 2: saying thank you so much for listening or thanks for

593
00:37:28,560 --> 00:37:31,760
Speaker 2: letting me share that again. It's that same switch. Instead

594
00:37:31,760 --> 00:37:34,920
Speaker 2: of feeling like you are at a deficit, make the

595
00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:38,919
Speaker 2: other person feel like they're in an addition, like they've

596
00:37:39,360 --> 00:37:42,279
Speaker 2: they've been a good person. Make them feel like they're

597
00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:44,800
Speaker 2: being celebrated for being so nice and giving you space.

598
00:37:45,440 --> 00:37:48,160
Speaker 2: It's also super helpful to practice saying no to things

599
00:37:48,239 --> 00:37:49,920
Speaker 2: you don't want to do or you just can't do,

600
00:37:50,520 --> 00:37:54,440
Speaker 2: without feeling like you have to give an explanation. I

601
00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:56,640
Speaker 2: have been trying to do this more. I'm getting better

602
00:37:56,680 --> 00:37:58,360
Speaker 2: at it. I used to find that if I was

603
00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:00,879
Speaker 2: canceling plans, I'd have to be like, so sorry, I'm

604
00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:04,120
Speaker 2: canceling plans. Actually, like there's been mucus coming out of

605
00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:06,480
Speaker 2: my nose for the last twelve hours, and I promise

606
00:38:06,520 --> 00:38:08,160
Speaker 2: I'm sick, Like do you want a photo? Like I

607
00:38:08,200 --> 00:38:10,680
Speaker 2: can give you an explanation, And people would be like no,

608
00:38:10,760 --> 00:38:13,120
Speaker 2: like if you're sick, you're sick, Like it's fine, So

609
00:38:13,239 --> 00:38:15,399
Speaker 2: simply just saying like I can't make it, but thank

610
00:38:15,400 --> 00:38:17,719
Speaker 2: you for the invitation, or I don't really have the

611
00:38:17,760 --> 00:38:21,359
Speaker 2: time right now, or no, sorry, I can't make it

612
00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:25,120
Speaker 2: that night is often enough. You don't owe everyone a

613
00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:29,440
Speaker 2: detailed excuse cushioned with sorries. Maybe you owe a close

614
00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:31,840
Speaker 2: friend that if you can't work and your boss is

615
00:38:31,880 --> 00:38:34,279
Speaker 2: asking you to do an extra shift, sorry I can't

616
00:38:34,320 --> 00:38:36,320
Speaker 2: make it. You don't need to give them an excuse.

617
00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:38,920
Speaker 2: They are not any more entitled to your time than

618
00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:43,080
Speaker 2: you are. If someone you know wants something from you,

619
00:38:43,120 --> 00:38:45,120
Speaker 2: like really late at night, like you don't actually have

620
00:38:45,160 --> 00:38:47,640
Speaker 2: to do it for them. Your whole life does not

621
00:38:47,760 --> 00:38:52,440
Speaker 2: exist to make someone else's life more convenient. No is

622
00:38:52,440 --> 00:38:58,400
Speaker 2: a complete sentence. No is a complete sentence, as abrupt

623
00:38:58,480 --> 00:39:02,120
Speaker 2: and cold as it might initially feel, a philosophy that

624
00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:04,960
Speaker 2: I've been trying to live by more and more and

625
00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:08,400
Speaker 2: it's gonna sound weird. Is I'm allowed to be an asshole?

626
00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:12,560
Speaker 2: Sometimes you have to be the asshole. Sometimes you have

627
00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:14,200
Speaker 2: to be the one that's going to stand up for

628
00:39:14,239 --> 00:39:18,520
Speaker 2: yourself and piss people off. It's okay, like they'll get

629
00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:20,759
Speaker 2: over it. I don't know when people do it to me.

630
00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:24,439
Speaker 2: I get over it. Actually I admire them more. You're

631
00:39:24,480 --> 00:39:28,560
Speaker 2: allowed to be the asshole. In fact, it's a good thing.

632
00:39:28,960 --> 00:39:31,759
Speaker 2: You'll get more for yourself, you'll get more done, you'll

633
00:39:31,760 --> 00:39:34,759
Speaker 2: have more time for yourself, you'll feel more assertive, and

634
00:39:34,800 --> 00:39:38,000
Speaker 2: you'll feel like you are more capable. I think over

635
00:39:38,080 --> 00:39:42,359
Speaker 2: time creating these changes in just how simple everyday interactions

636
00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:46,840
Speaker 2: can really reaffirm a sense of self worth, a sense

637
00:39:46,880 --> 00:39:51,880
Speaker 2: of a value, a sense that you can trust yourself,

638
00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:56,640
Speaker 2: you can stand up for yourself, you are your own protector,

639
00:39:57,600 --> 00:40:00,920
Speaker 2: you have something to say, and it makes you feel

640
00:40:00,920 --> 00:40:03,919
Speaker 2: more authentic. I think we all hope for a time

641
00:40:03,960 --> 00:40:06,680
Speaker 2: when we can walk into a conversation and say, I'm here,

642
00:40:06,840 --> 00:40:09,520
Speaker 2: this is what I want to say, and if you

643
00:40:09,560 --> 00:40:11,520
Speaker 2: don't agree with it, or if it's something that annoys you,

644
00:40:11,600 --> 00:40:13,840
Speaker 2: like I don't really care. I'm not even thinking about

645
00:40:13,880 --> 00:40:18,279
Speaker 2: your reaction. That's really what we're all aiming for a

646
00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:21,640
Speaker 2: life in which we are considerate of other people, but

647
00:40:21,680 --> 00:40:25,160
Speaker 2: we also consider ourselves as being just as important in

648
00:40:25,200 --> 00:40:29,080
Speaker 2: those interactions and conversations as then, quiet confidence is perhaps

649
00:40:29,160 --> 00:40:33,319
Speaker 2: the best way to put it. Quiet confidence and self assurance. Okay,

650
00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:35,400
Speaker 2: we're going to take a short break give you some

651
00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:38,600
Speaker 2: thinking space. But when we return, we have some listener

652
00:40:38,719 --> 00:40:42,040
Speaker 2: questions from you all about some of the more specific

653
00:40:42,120 --> 00:40:49,800
Speaker 2: parts about chronic apologizing. You want answered, so stay with us.

654
00:40:51,760 --> 00:40:56,120
Speaker 2: The listener questions for this topic were incredible. They were

655
00:40:56,400 --> 00:40:58,839
Speaker 2: so so good for those of you who don't know,

656
00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:04,080
Speaker 2: Like a week or two before an episode goes live,

657
00:41:04,640 --> 00:41:08,279
Speaker 2: I jump on Instagram at that Psychology podcast and ask

658
00:41:08,320 --> 00:41:12,360
Speaker 2: if you guys have any specific questions, dilemmas, stories about

659
00:41:12,400 --> 00:41:15,840
Speaker 2: any of our upcoming topics. Make sure you're following me

660
00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:19,319
Speaker 2: over there so you can participate in future episodes. But

661
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:23,239
Speaker 2: the question for this week we're super good. Let's start

662
00:41:23,239 --> 00:41:25,840
Speaker 2: with this one. I'm a midwife and some of my

663
00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:29,120
Speaker 2: clients do this. How can I help? This is kind

664
00:41:29,120 --> 00:41:30,839
Speaker 2: of linked to a more general question that was asked

665
00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:33,399
Speaker 2: a lot. How can I help a friend, a family member,

666
00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:37,960
Speaker 2: a partner who was constantly apologizing? I think it's by

667
00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:41,160
Speaker 2: simply asking them what do you think you need to

668
00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:44,480
Speaker 2: be sorry about? And if they don't really have an answer,

669
00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:47,040
Speaker 2: just let that sink in for them, you know, if

670
00:41:47,080 --> 00:41:49,400
Speaker 2: they say I'm so sorry, like I'm so sorry for

671
00:41:49,480 --> 00:41:51,399
Speaker 2: asking for this, I'm so sorry for doing that I'm

672
00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:54,200
Speaker 2: so sorry for you know, being too needy. Just say

673
00:41:54,280 --> 00:41:58,239
Speaker 2: why do you need to apologize, and really like get

674
00:41:58,239 --> 00:42:01,280
Speaker 2: them to answer you, because often they'll realize it they don't,

675
00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:03,640
Speaker 2: and that can create a lot of big mental shifts

676
00:42:03,640 --> 00:42:06,520
Speaker 2: for them. I think if they continue to say you

677
00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:09,280
Speaker 2: can also say something like, well, no, I'm not annoyed

678
00:42:09,320 --> 00:42:11,439
Speaker 2: by that, I wasn't hurt by that. I didn't even

679
00:42:11,440 --> 00:42:14,319
Speaker 2: notice that. That didn't impact me, So you don't need

680
00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:18,040
Speaker 2: to apologize instead of just saying you know, it's fine

681
00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:22,640
Speaker 2: or you did nothing wrong. Realize that they're looking for

682
00:42:22,880 --> 00:42:26,960
Speaker 2: reassurance and they're looking for safety. So just be soft,

683
00:42:27,520 --> 00:42:32,040
Speaker 2: be warm, be gentle, validate them, make sure that they

684
00:42:32,080 --> 00:42:35,239
Speaker 2: know that you know you're not upset at them, that

685
00:42:35,280 --> 00:42:37,920
Speaker 2: they don't have to continue apologizing. That they are allowed

686
00:42:37,920 --> 00:42:40,759
Speaker 2: to ask for as much or as little as they want,

687
00:42:40,880 --> 00:42:43,759
Speaker 2: especially with this first person who asked that question being

688
00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:45,640
Speaker 2: a midwife, like they should be able to ask for

689
00:42:46,040 --> 00:42:49,400
Speaker 2: whatever they want if they're giving birth. And also just

690
00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:52,799
Speaker 2: realize that really it is safety seeking. So the more

691
00:42:52,840 --> 00:42:56,319
Speaker 2: you create like a warm environment for them where you

692
00:42:56,480 --> 00:43:00,600
Speaker 2: ask them or you anticipate things that they're going to

693
00:43:00,719 --> 00:43:02,640
Speaker 2: ask for, so they don't feel like they have to

694
00:43:02,719 --> 00:43:05,520
Speaker 2: ask for them, the more that they will hopefully say

695
00:43:05,560 --> 00:43:08,440
Speaker 2: it a little bit less, also send them this episode.

696
00:43:08,800 --> 00:43:11,440
Speaker 2: Maybe not for if you're the midwife with the clients,

697
00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:13,520
Speaker 2: you might not see them enough to send them this episode,

698
00:43:13,520 --> 00:43:16,960
Speaker 2: but for a friend or a family member or someone

699
00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:19,520
Speaker 2: that you know. I think listening to someone else to

700
00:43:19,560 --> 00:43:22,799
Speaker 2: talk about it is quite validating, and understanding where it

701
00:43:22,840 --> 00:43:26,000
Speaker 2: comes from and how to stop doing it, you know,

702
00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:31,520
Speaker 2: for themselves, is super super important. This next question, is

703
00:43:31,560 --> 00:43:36,319
Speaker 2: there an opposite of this, like someone who never apologizes. Oh, yes,

704
00:43:36,840 --> 00:43:39,279
Speaker 2: absolutely there is. I used to date someone like this.

705
00:43:39,640 --> 00:43:44,240
Speaker 2: I know firsthand that there are people like this, and honestly,

706
00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:45,759
Speaker 2: now that I think about it, maybe that's where my

707
00:43:45,880 --> 00:43:49,200
Speaker 2: chronic apologizing came from, because I so desperately was like

708
00:43:49,280 --> 00:43:52,239
Speaker 2: waiting for him to apologize for things. Maybe I thought

709
00:43:52,280 --> 00:43:54,520
Speaker 2: that if I said it enough times, he would kind

710
00:43:54,520 --> 00:43:57,040
Speaker 2: of get it, like, you did something bad, you need

711
00:43:57,080 --> 00:43:59,920
Speaker 2: to say sorry. I think these people don't say so

712
00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:04,640
Speaker 2: worry because they I think it's just ego. I think

713
00:44:04,680 --> 00:44:08,200
Speaker 2: they genuinely don't believe that they have anything to be

714
00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:11,359
Speaker 2: sorry for. I think they're quite arrogant. I think they

715
00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:15,239
Speaker 2: feel quite entitled. I also just think that maybe it's

716
00:44:15,280 --> 00:44:18,279
Speaker 2: because they were raised by people who were like, you

717
00:44:18,320 --> 00:44:21,840
Speaker 2: know very much, you are the most important person. You

718
00:44:21,880 --> 00:44:24,479
Speaker 2: are the center of the universe. If other people don't

719
00:44:24,520 --> 00:44:27,799
Speaker 2: like your behavior, that's their bad luck. I see this

720
00:44:27,880 --> 00:44:30,440
Speaker 2: a lot with people, like the older they get as well.

721
00:44:30,560 --> 00:44:34,040
Speaker 2: It's like, yes, you get more confident and self assured

722
00:44:34,200 --> 00:44:37,080
Speaker 2: as you get older, but you also tend to give

723
00:44:37,200 --> 00:44:39,360
Speaker 2: less of a shit about what other people think. And

724
00:44:40,120 --> 00:44:41,920
Speaker 2: the thing that we're really trying to nail in here

725
00:44:42,040 --> 00:44:46,960
Speaker 2: is that, you know, the opposite of chronic apologizing isn't

726
00:44:47,000 --> 00:44:52,040
Speaker 2: being completely inconsiderate and rude. Actually, we want to find

727
00:44:52,080 --> 00:44:57,000
Speaker 2: that balance where it's like, you care equally about someone

728
00:44:57,000 --> 00:44:59,680
Speaker 2: else as you as much as you do yourself. Perhaps

729
00:44:59,760 --> 00:45:02,520
Speaker 2: you care about yourself a little bit more, but there

730
00:45:02,600 --> 00:45:05,200
Speaker 2: is still caring compassion there. So, yeah, there are definitely

731
00:45:05,239 --> 00:45:09,279
Speaker 2: people who never apologize, and the most frustrating thing about

732
00:45:09,280 --> 00:45:10,799
Speaker 2: it is that these are the kind of people who

733
00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:14,760
Speaker 2: never realized why it's a problem, and it's just stubbornness. Really,

734
00:45:14,880 --> 00:45:17,799
Speaker 2: it's stubbornness and it's ego, and yeah, it's definitely not

735
00:45:17,840 --> 00:45:23,120
Speaker 2: a good habit. Is there a link to a religious upbringing.

736
00:45:23,440 --> 00:45:25,960
Speaker 2: I was raised Catholic, and I feel like that is

737
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:29,880
Speaker 2: a large reason why I constantly need to say sorry.

738
00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:33,840
Speaker 2: I think with Catholicism in particular, there's a real culture

739
00:45:33,920 --> 00:45:38,399
Speaker 2: of repentance, right and there's a culture of guilt and

740
00:45:38,640 --> 00:45:42,920
Speaker 2: saying sorry for things that you actually don't that you

741
00:45:42,960 --> 00:45:44,719
Speaker 2: didn't do wrong or that you don't need to be

742
00:45:44,840 --> 00:45:49,719
Speaker 2: sorry for, and showing God that you're apologetic and accepting

743
00:45:49,840 --> 00:45:53,919
Speaker 2: mercy and accepting grace. So definitely there is a link

744
00:45:54,080 --> 00:45:59,480
Speaker 2: to a religious upbringing one hundred percent. I often find

745
00:45:59,520 --> 00:46:04,640
Speaker 2: that people who have experienced very strict religious upbringings and

746
00:46:04,840 --> 00:46:09,520
Speaker 2: strict religious environments often experience a lot of guilt around

747
00:46:10,120 --> 00:46:14,239
Speaker 2: taking up space or being special. They experience a lot

748
00:46:14,280 --> 00:46:19,080
Speaker 2: more guilt around mistakes. It's something that you know, yes,

749
00:46:19,160 --> 00:46:21,279
Speaker 2: mistakes are normal and they're natural, and they happen and

750
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,920
Speaker 2: everyone makes them. But for them it feels like something

751
00:46:23,920 --> 00:46:25,880
Speaker 2: that they need to be punished for, they need to

752
00:46:25,920 --> 00:46:28,600
Speaker 2: repent for. So if that was how you were raised,

753
00:46:28,760 --> 00:46:30,520
Speaker 2: you know, there's a lot of guilt there, and I

754
00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:33,799
Speaker 2: think chronic apologizing is probably a lot more common. I'd

755
00:46:33,840 --> 00:46:39,360
Speaker 2: love to see how certain religions relate to relate to

756
00:46:39,440 --> 00:46:42,040
Speaker 2: this habit because it would be very fascinating, be a

757
00:46:42,160 --> 00:46:45,919
Speaker 2: very fascinating way of I think it would bring about

758
00:46:45,960 --> 00:46:49,239
Speaker 2: a whole new dimension of this discussion as well. This

759
00:46:49,480 --> 00:46:52,320
Speaker 2: is our fourth question, I think our final question for today.

760
00:46:52,719 --> 00:46:55,280
Speaker 2: What are some other ways to convey empathy or sympathy

761
00:46:55,320 --> 00:46:58,800
Speaker 2: without saying sorry, such as when a friend experience is

762
00:46:58,840 --> 00:47:01,480
Speaker 2: a loss, or if someone tells you something sad has

763
00:47:01,480 --> 00:47:03,880
Speaker 2: happened to them, such as a parent or a loved

764
00:47:03,880 --> 00:47:07,239
Speaker 2: one dying. This is something I struggle with a lot.

765
00:47:07,239 --> 00:47:09,320
Speaker 2: I think a lot of us do. Our immediate instinct

766
00:47:09,320 --> 00:47:12,600
Speaker 2: when someone says, oh, you know, my mom had passed away,

767
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:15,960
Speaker 2: or my dog passed away, or this terrible thing happened

768
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:18,600
Speaker 2: to me is to say I'm so sorry, And then

769
00:47:18,640 --> 00:47:20,360
Speaker 2: they say what are you sorry for? And then you

770
00:47:20,400 --> 00:47:23,360
Speaker 2: feel really awkward and you wish that you'd said something better,

771
00:47:24,160 --> 00:47:27,759
Speaker 2: So say this instead. That is so difficult, and you

772
00:47:27,840 --> 00:47:30,319
Speaker 2: have all my love right now, and any help that

773
00:47:30,360 --> 00:47:33,400
Speaker 2: you need, I'm here to offer it. You can also

774
00:47:33,480 --> 00:47:36,520
Speaker 2: just ask a question as a response, that's so awful,

775
00:47:36,520 --> 00:47:39,160
Speaker 2: but how are you feeling? Is there anything I can

776
00:47:39,200 --> 00:47:42,279
Speaker 2: do or offer support? You know, I can't imagine what

777
00:47:42,320 --> 00:47:44,719
Speaker 2: you're going through. I can come over and cook dinner

778
00:47:44,719 --> 00:47:47,080
Speaker 2: for you. I can drive you to that appointment. I

779
00:47:47,120 --> 00:47:49,480
Speaker 2: can do anything that you need me to do. I

780
00:47:49,520 --> 00:47:52,600
Speaker 2: love you, I care about you. Often the reason we

781
00:47:52,640 --> 00:47:56,120
Speaker 2: say i'm sorry is because it's the easiest way in

782
00:47:56,160 --> 00:48:01,440
Speaker 2: our brains to express empathy. Yes, and often it's just shock.

783
00:48:01,560 --> 00:48:04,040
Speaker 2: You know, we're not taught how to manage grief. We're

784
00:48:04,080 --> 00:48:07,240
Speaker 2: not taught how to have hard conversations. We're not taught

785
00:48:07,280 --> 00:48:10,080
Speaker 2: as a society the right thing to say. So it

786
00:48:10,160 --> 00:48:13,160
Speaker 2: is okay if you don't say the right thing. I

787
00:48:13,160 --> 00:48:16,080
Speaker 2: think it's also okay to say I'm sorry as a

788
00:48:16,120 --> 00:48:20,240
Speaker 2: first instinct, but match that i'm sorry by going deeper

789
00:48:20,239 --> 00:48:23,720
Speaker 2: and by offering something more. Really, try and think about

790
00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:26,120
Speaker 2: what you would want to hear, what you would need

791
00:48:26,160 --> 00:48:28,239
Speaker 2: in that situation, and that is the best thing that

792
00:48:28,280 --> 00:48:30,480
Speaker 2: you can say. That is the best thing that you

793
00:48:30,520 --> 00:48:34,600
Speaker 2: can offer them. Also, you know, just asking people what

794
00:48:34,600 --> 00:48:37,080
Speaker 2: do you need from me? What can I do to

795
00:48:37,160 --> 00:48:41,960
Speaker 2: help you? Is also so invaluable. But yeah, it's a

796
00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:43,880
Speaker 2: hard thing. I feel like I do this a lot.

797
00:48:44,239 --> 00:48:46,719
Speaker 2: My instinct is always to say I'm so sorry, and

798
00:48:46,719 --> 00:48:48,040
Speaker 2: then it's like, oh, but yeah, but what am I

799
00:48:48,120 --> 00:48:51,279
Speaker 2: sorry for? You know, I didn't do anything to cause this,

800
00:48:51,440 --> 00:48:55,480
Speaker 2: but I think again, I'm sorry. It is a verbal filler.

801
00:48:55,560 --> 00:48:58,200
Speaker 2: It is a blanket term that we use in so

802
00:48:58,280 --> 00:49:03,279
Speaker 2: many other situations where we aren't actually apologizing. Remember, you know,

803
00:49:03,520 --> 00:49:07,319
Speaker 2: if you are a chronic apologizer, it's not something that

804
00:49:07,360 --> 00:49:11,600
Speaker 2: you need to feel ashamed of. That shame will perhaps

805
00:49:11,600 --> 00:49:14,839
Speaker 2: only make it worse. I just think it's something you

806
00:49:14,880 --> 00:49:18,040
Speaker 2: need to understand that you do and really trace back

807
00:49:18,040 --> 00:49:21,960
Speaker 2: to a reason behind why you do it. And then

808
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:25,480
Speaker 2: I want you to really keep focused on those alternatives

809
00:49:25,880 --> 00:49:28,279
Speaker 2: and remember that critical thing I said around the middle

810
00:49:28,320 --> 00:49:31,040
Speaker 2: of this episode. If someone is upset at you, if

811
00:49:31,040 --> 00:49:34,520
Speaker 2: someone is frustrated at you, if you inconvenience someone that's

812
00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:38,920
Speaker 2: not necessarily your problem. People inconvenience you all the time

813
00:49:38,960 --> 00:49:41,919
Speaker 2: without you realizing it, and you let them. People are

814
00:49:42,040 --> 00:49:44,880
Speaker 2: rude all the time without having to say sorry. There

815
00:49:44,920 --> 00:49:47,760
Speaker 2: are some really terrible people in this world. You are

816
00:49:47,760 --> 00:49:50,240
Speaker 2: not one of them, So you don't have to constantly

817
00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:53,840
Speaker 2: apologize for your presence and for your existence for anything

818
00:49:53,920 --> 00:49:56,400
Speaker 2: that you say or don't say. Like you're doing a

819
00:49:56,400 --> 00:49:59,960
Speaker 2: great job. Other people have to be responsible for their emotions.

820
00:50:00,160 --> 00:50:04,080
Speaker 2: You cannot constant constantly monitor them for them and trust

821
00:50:04,080 --> 00:50:06,439
Speaker 2: that if they're frustrated at you, if they're mad, it's

822
00:50:06,480 --> 00:50:09,680
Speaker 2: their responsibility to say something. But I really do hope

823
00:50:09,680 --> 00:50:12,040
Speaker 2: this episode has unpacked some of this for you. I

824
00:50:12,080 --> 00:50:14,080
Speaker 2: know it was kind of a long one. Make sure

825
00:50:14,080 --> 00:50:17,560
Speaker 2: again to listen to Mantra if you liked this episode,

826
00:50:17,640 --> 00:50:20,279
Speaker 2: if you like the psychology of your twenties, there are

827
00:50:20,440 --> 00:50:23,800
Speaker 2: so much more over there that I think you will enjoy.

828
00:50:24,040 --> 00:50:27,000
Speaker 2: And if you've made it this far, hello, Hi, how

829
00:50:27,040 --> 00:50:29,360
Speaker 2: are you? Thank you for listening. Our emoji for this

830
00:50:29,400 --> 00:50:32,520
Speaker 2: week I think is an owl. So if you want

831
00:50:32,520 --> 00:50:34,080
Speaker 2: to show me down in the comments that you have

832
00:50:34,239 --> 00:50:37,759
Speaker 2: listened as far as you have, an owl is the

833
00:50:37,800 --> 00:50:40,440
Speaker 2: way to go. Make sure that you are following along

834
00:50:40,520 --> 00:50:44,759
Speaker 2: on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, wherever you are listening. Share

835
00:50:44,800 --> 00:50:47,640
Speaker 2: this episode with a friend who you think may enjoy it.

836
00:50:47,680 --> 00:50:50,800
Speaker 2: And until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle

837
00:50:50,800 --> 00:50:54,040
Speaker 2: to yourself. Remember you don't need to apologize for simply

838
00:50:54,040 --> 00:50:57,279
Speaker 2: taking up space. We will talk very very soon.