Speaker 1: The healthiest, longest lasting relationships are based on peace. Pleasure
Speaker 1: may start relationships, peace continues relationships. I saw a quote
Speaker 1: the other day that said, if your home is a
Speaker 1: place of peace, you've broken the cycle. The number one
Speaker 1: health and wellness podcast, Jay Setty Jay Shetty Z, Hey everyone,
Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose. I'm so so happy to
Speaker 1: be with you. It's your host, Jay Shetty, and I
Speaker 1: couldn't be more grateful that you tuned in today, especially
Speaker 1: to this episode all about the reasons why love is
Speaker 1: not enough and what to focus on more in dating
Speaker 1: and relationships. If you're someone who's been trying to fall
Speaker 1: in love, trying to find love, looking for love, this
Speaker 1: episode is for you. If you're someone who's kind of
Speaker 1: falling in and out of love, trying to figure out
Speaker 1: whether you're still in love with the person, this episode
Speaker 1: is for you. And if you're one of those people
Speaker 1: that had to walk away from love, this episode is
Speaker 1: for you now. I was thinking, as I was reflecting
Speaker 1: on this topic about that old game that I think
Speaker 1: I used to watch people play in primary school, elementary school,
Speaker 1: where someone would grab a daisy and the game would
Speaker 1: go he loves me, He loves me not? And I
Speaker 1: was looking this up on the internet and he was
Speaker 1: talking about how this is a game of French origin
Speaker 1: in which one person seeks to determine whether the object
Speaker 1: of their affection returns that affection. Fancy way of saying
Speaker 1: he loves me, he loves me not. Now, what was
Speaker 1: interesting about that is this idea that we are constantly,
Speaker 1: since we're young, trained to ask that question, do they
Speaker 1: love me? Do they love me yet? Are they in
Speaker 1: love with me? When? Will they be in love with me?
Speaker 1: When will they tell me they love me? And the
Speaker 1: same back them? Am I ready to love them? But
Speaker 1: here's what I want to ask you in this episode.
Speaker 1: Have you ever felt you loved someone but knew they
Speaker 1: weren't right for you. Let me say that again. Have
Speaker 1: you ever felt you loved someone but knew they weren't
Speaker 1: right for you? How many times have you been in
Speaker 1: that position before? Or you love someone but they weren't
Speaker 1: good to you. How many of you have experienced that
Speaker 1: where you love someone, you had strong feelings for someone,
Speaker 1: but they weren't good to you. Maybe you're in that
Speaker 1: position right now, and I'm so happy that you're listening
Speaker 1: to this episode or maybe you love them, but you
Speaker 1: didn't trust them. How many of you know someone who's
Speaker 1: dating someone right now where they say they love them,
Speaker 1: but you know they don't trust them. And what's really
Speaker 1: interesting about all of this is we we often hear
Speaker 1: our friends, our family members, people we love make excuses
Speaker 1: people that they're dating, like, oh, yeah, he loves me,
Speaker 1: but you know, sometimes I wonder why he doesn't care
Speaker 1: or she loves me, but sometimes I wonder whether she's
Speaker 1: just with me for fill in the blank. Here's the reality.
Speaker 1: If they loved you, they're call. If they loved you,
Speaker 1: they'd care. If they loved you, they'd ask. If they
Speaker 1: loved you, you'd know. And often our feelings of love
Speaker 1: for someone make us forget that love is not enough,
Speaker 1: because what we really want is not just someone to
Speaker 1: say I love you. We want someone who makes us
Speaker 1: feel loved, makes us feel cared for, makes us feel seen, heard, understood,
Speaker 1: and someone that we do that back to. We don't
Speaker 1: want someone who just says they love us. We want
Speaker 1: someone who lives like they do. We want the actions,
Speaker 1: we want the behaviors. And so when I say love
Speaker 1: is done enough, it's not because I want to be negative.
Speaker 1: It's not because I want to put it down on love.
Speaker 1: It's because so many of us place love on this pedestal,
Speaker 1: and we believe that love is enough because we've been
Speaker 1: told that love is all we need. Right, That's what
Speaker 1: we've been told, That's what we've repeated. And so I
Speaker 1: want to talk today about what we should focus on,
Speaker 1: what we should notice, what we should amplify in our relationships,
Speaker 1: in order to make sure that we're not misled by
Speaker 1: what we think is love. Partly, one of the challenges
Speaker 1: is that we live in a world where we only
Speaker 1: have one word for love. But the Greeks had seven
Speaker 1: words for love. The Vaders have five words for love.
Speaker 1: Love was far more of a detailed, complex topic, and
Speaker 1: it's become oversimplified in our modern day. So love makes
Speaker 1: us forget the importance of values. How many times have
Speaker 1: you sacrificed, negotiated with, or put aside one of your
Speaker 1: values because you thought you loved someone. Right, So you
Speaker 1: had a really important value, Maybe you had an event
Speaker 1: that was really important to you. Maybe you had a
Speaker 1: person that was really important to you, a friendship, but
Speaker 1: you put it aside because you thought you were in
Speaker 1: love with someone. How many times have you ever regretted
Speaker 1: that in the future? How many times did you feel
Speaker 1: that was the best thing I ever did. It's really interesting,
Speaker 1: isn't it that if we love someone, we often forego
Speaker 1: our values, We put aside our values, when actually, if
Speaker 1: someone loved us, they would never let us do that.
Speaker 1: That wouldn't be the way they'd want us to act.
Speaker 1: And so values are such a critical part of the
Speaker 1: love setup. This is one of the reasons why when
Speaker 1: I've become a relationship advisor at Match, one of the
Speaker 1: first things we built was a value based assessment. This
Speaker 1: was to help you with a quiz to understand your
Speaker 1: own values so that we could pair you with other
Speaker 1: people who are a self aware about their values and
Speaker 1: they may even share similar values. If you want to
Speaker 1: check that out, you can go to match dot com,
Speaker 1: forward slash Ja. And that was so important to me
Speaker 1: because I wanted us to recognize that love is not enough.
Speaker 1: If you couldn't name your partner's top three values and
Speaker 1: they can't name your top three values, that's proved to
Speaker 1: you that love is not enough. What is it that
Speaker 1: your partner would never let you sacrifice? What is something
Speaker 1: that you would want to sacrifice out of love, but
Speaker 1: your partner would never let you sacrifice that is a
Speaker 1: deep value to you. For example, for me, I know
Speaker 1: that Radi one of her biggest values is family. And
Speaker 1: so whether it's her visiting London, whether it's her wanting
Speaker 1: to organize vacations for our family, whether it's her wanting
Speaker 1: to create experiences and memories, I know that that's the
Speaker 1: most important thing to her in the world, and I
Speaker 1: would never want her to give that up, no matter
Speaker 1: how important something is to me, no matter how important
Speaker 1: it is. And she knows that for me, my purpose
Speaker 1: is my biggest priority and my biggest value, and no
Speaker 1: matter how important something is to her, she won't want
Speaker 1: me to give that up. But love often makes us
Speaker 1: forget our values. And in love, we want people to
Speaker 1: forget their values. We want our partner to sacrifice their
Speaker 1: values to show us they love us. But that doesn't
Speaker 1: sound like love. It sounds like manipulation. It sounds like control.
Speaker 1: But love can often make you think you're doing things
Speaker 1: that are higher. You almost manipulate yourself into thinking, oh,
Speaker 1: I really love this person because I'm willing to give
Speaker 1: this up. So love makes you forget your values. It
Speaker 1: makes you forget your partner's values. And that's why love
Speaker 1: can't be enough, because after weeks, months, years of putting
Speaker 1: aside your values, and when you feel misaligned, you wonder,
Speaker 1: why did I ever do that? Why did I give
Speaker 1: that up? That was so important to me, that was
Speaker 1: such a priority to me. How did I let that
Speaker 1: just go? How did I let that just fade? How
Speaker 1: did I let that just be? So? Ask yourself? Are
Speaker 1: you getting to prioritize your values? Does your partner prioritize
Speaker 1: your values? Do you even know what your values are?
Speaker 1: Are you aware of how they stack? I think a
Speaker 1: lot of us deprioritize our values because we don't know them,
Speaker 1: And a lot of us struggle in love because we're
Speaker 1: hoping that love will make up for the lack of
Speaker 1: knowledge we have and the lack of awareness we have.
Speaker 1: This second one is probably the most common one, but
Speaker 1: it's the most avoidable because of love. Love makes you
Speaker 1: forget patterns of behavior. Sometimes the wrong people will say
Speaker 1: the right things, Sometimes the right people will say the
Speaker 1: wrong things. Trust patterns, not what people say. So many
Speaker 1: of us let me just say that all again. Sometimes
Speaker 1: the wrong people will say the right things. Sometimes the right,
Speaker 1: people will say the wrong things. Trust patterns, not what
Speaker 1: people say. How many times is love made you forego
Speaker 1: what you see? You see someone make a mistake after
Speaker 1: mistake after mistake, and you go, oh, but they love me. See,
Speaker 1: it's not even that you love them. You go, but
Speaker 1: I know they love me. I know underneath all of
Speaker 1: that they love me. They've convinced you they love you
Speaker 1: even though they don't act that way. And we've convinced
Speaker 1: ourselves that they love us even though they don't behave
Speaker 1: that way. How many times have you seen sign after
Speaker 1: sign after sign that everyone can see. You can see
Speaker 1: it too, but you gloss over it with love, right,
Speaker 1: You just wipe over it with love and you say, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: but we love each other. It's okay, we love each other. Right,
Speaker 1: And you keep doing that until that cloth that you're
Speaker 1: wiping it gets smaller and smaller and smaller, and now
Speaker 1: you can't wipe anything with it, and again it's apparent
Speaker 1: to you that love is not enough. Focus on behaviors,
Speaker 1: actions and check those behaviors and actions. By the way,
Speaker 1: sometimes people don't know what actions and behaviors you count
Speaker 1: as love, and they not may not know which ones
Speaker 1: you count as love, Ask them how do you show love?
Speaker 1: When do you show love? And here's how I show love?
Speaker 1: And he is when I show love. This is what
Speaker 1: it looks like that communication. To match those patterns with
Speaker 1: what the person says. And that's why I use the
Speaker 1: word patterns because people are patterns. We're all patterns, right.
Speaker 1: There's very few people that are not repeating patterns. We
Speaker 1: repeat communication styles, we repeat how we deal with conflict,
Speaker 1: we repeat how we deal with stress and anger. Those
Speaker 1: things are repeated again and again and again. Love makes
Speaker 1: you forget patterns of behavior. It makes you focus on
Speaker 1: what that person says, what you may feel around them,
Speaker 1: but not what that person does. It's time to start
Speaker 1: focusing on actual effort, on actual action. If you're constantly
Speaker 1: justifying someone's behaviors to make sense of them. Sometimes, by
Speaker 1: the way, it's fair to do that, right. No one's perfect,
Speaker 1: no one's going to tick all your boxes. But you
Speaker 1: have to ask yourself how much are you justifying? How
Speaker 1: much are you filling in the blanks versus how much
Speaker 1: are you truly understanding the person? Being a human and
Speaker 1: having limited right, Sometimes we can just have godly expectations
Speaker 1: of someone, and it's important to actually say, well, I
Speaker 1: can't expect godly patterns, but am I just seeing a
Speaker 1: pattern that's actually negative and repetitive? Then I am positive
Speaker 1: and momentum based moving in the right direction. Love is
Speaker 1: not enough because it makes you forget emotional maturity. This
Speaker 1: is what's fascinating about this love is not enough statement
Speaker 1: is that it actually acts as forgetfulness. It's almost like
Speaker 1: you get amnesia from what really matters because you use
Speaker 1: love as the cover up. You lose love as the
Speaker 1: band aid, and love makes you forget someone's level of
Speaker 1: emotional maturity. Do you believe this person knows how to
Speaker 1: engage in emotionally healthy conversations? Do you believe that this
Speaker 1: person is emotionally mature when it comes to managing their
Speaker 1: own emotions? So, the American behavioral Clinics definition is emotional
Speaker 1: maturity is the ability to understand, manage, and express emotions
Speaker 1: in a way that promotes personal growth and healthy relationships.
Speaker 1: That's one of the things that we're really really looking for,
Speaker 1: right We're really really looking for that. One of the
Speaker 1: things I love that I've read from Roger k Allen
Speaker 1: is he talks about the stages of emotional maturity. So
Speaker 1: he talks about how survival is fear based living, security
Speaker 1: is duty based living, success is ego based living, and
Speaker 1: serenity is love, trust, and I'd like to think peace
Speaker 1: based living. So when you're looking at emotional maturity, you're
Speaker 1: looking at does your relationship work from a place of survival?
Speaker 1: Are you constantly breaking up? Making up? Are you just
Speaker 1: trying to survive? Is that the energy that you're carrying
Speaker 1: in your relationship? Because then love is enough? Is it? Security?
Speaker 1: Is it duty? And safety? Is it because oh I
Speaker 1: feel secure, I'd rather not be alone? Is it success?
Speaker 1: I was speaking to someone the other day and he
Speaker 1: said to me, he said, this woman said to him,
Speaker 1: you're a high value man. That's why I want to
Speaker 1: be with you. Now that language has really perpetuated itself
Speaker 1: into modern daily love speak, and it's really really interesting
Speaker 1: to me because when I asked him, what do you
Speaker 1: think that person's top value is? He said power, and
Speaker 1: that that person has been making dating decisions based on power.
Speaker 1: So that success and ego based living, Now, what does
Speaker 1: that mean? That level of emotional maturity means even if
Speaker 1: you love each other, if someone is more powerful, more
Speaker 1: success based more ego based. That's an easy trade, right,
Speaker 1: That's an easy way for that person to move on.
Speaker 1: So love makes us forget that, love makes us go
Speaker 1: oh no, but they love us like we are that
Speaker 1: and for them, rather than actually being clear and going okay, well,
Speaker 1: wait a minute, does this person bring peace into my life?
Speaker 1: And I think this is often I'd say peace is
Speaker 1: one of the most underrated relationship benefits. I think we
Speaker 1: think of things like chemistry, this spark, we think a pleasure. Again,
Speaker 1: I'm not saying any of those things are not good
Speaker 1: to think about, but the healthiest, longest lasting relationships are
Speaker 1: based on peace. Right. It's peace that keeps relationships together.
Speaker 1: Pleasure may start relationships, peace continues relationships. I saw a
Speaker 1: quote the other day that said, if your home is
Speaker 1: a place of peace, you've broken the cycle. I saw
Speaker 1: on Instagram. I took a screenshot send it to RADI,
Speaker 1: and I just said, this is what we're building, right,
Speaker 1: this is what we're working on. We want our home
Speaker 1: to be a place of peace. Notice I didn't say
Speaker 1: this is what we've done, we've achieved it. It's what
Speaker 1: we're working on. It's what we're building, it's what we're
Speaker 1: creating together what we're founding together, So don't let love
Speaker 1: overshadow a lack of emotional maturity. The next is love
Speaker 1: makes you forget their trauma and how they treat you.
Speaker 1: When you love someone, you automatically feel a false sense
Speaker 1: of compassion towards them. What I mean by this is
Speaker 1: you see the pain they've been through, which is, by
Speaker 1: the way, an important part, but you sometimes negate how
Speaker 1: that pain creates pain for you. Now, loving someone means
Speaker 1: to understand their pain, Loving someone means to recognize their pain,
Speaker 1: and loving someone means to accept that people have pain.
Speaker 1: But loving someone doesn't mean that that person's pain causes
Speaker 1: you pain and you ignore that pain just because you
Speaker 1: know where it's come from. Knowing where it's come from
Speaker 1: and where it originates from is healthy and important, and
Speaker 1: it's a valuable part of being in love. But just
Speaker 1: because you love someone doesn't mean that you ignore their
Speaker 1: trauma and how their trauma makes them treat you. I
Speaker 1: read this great point from I Think He was collected
Speaker 1: by the Lady Alchemist Tchee Lady Alchemist, and it said
Speaker 1: I just broke things off with my boyfriend a few
Speaker 1: days ago. We were good, We got along well, had
Speaker 1: fun together, and grew together, but his mother kept interfering.
Speaker 1: He claimed he loved me, which I do believe was genuine,
Speaker 1: but he'd never take the actions necessary to solidify or
Speaker 1: protect our relationship. I stuck around for three months while
Speaker 1: he tried to convince his mother into letting him continue
Speaker 1: dating me. Just because you love someone the feeling, it
Speaker 1: doesn't mean things will always work. I ended up breaking
Speaker 1: up with him. I want an adult relationship and not
Speaker 1: a man afraid of his mother at twenty four years old.
Speaker 1: Now that's someone being honest about what they want and
Speaker 1: what they're looking for and what's important to them. And
Speaker 1: as Stephen Chubowski says, we accept the love think we deserve,
Speaker 1: and I think a lot of that. Let me just
Speaker 1: say that again. Stephen Jabowski said, we accept the love
Speaker 1: we think we deserve. And often the reason why we
Speaker 1: let someone love us in their trauma, in their pain,
Speaker 1: is because there's a familiarity we have with it. Maybe
Speaker 1: we weren't the top priority to a parent, and now
Speaker 1: that person is mirroring it and it actually feels familiar.
Speaker 1: Maybe a parent loved us but made us feel guilty
Speaker 1: or shameful and now this person does that and it
Speaker 1: feels familiar. Often the way someone loves us through trauma
Speaker 1: is familiar to the trauma we've been through, and we
Speaker 1: keep accepting that. But remember that Steven Scheaboski said, we
Speaker 1: accept the love we think we deserve, and what we
Speaker 1: have to do is ask ourselves, what type of life
Speaker 1: do we want? What type of love do we want?
Speaker 1: It's not going to be perfect, and we're probably gonna
Speaker 1: have to understand that the version we want probably doesn't
Speaker 1: even exist, because it's almost like the God love that
Speaker 1: we're looking for. And what I mean by that is
Speaker 1: this perfect, universal, godly type of love that we all crave.
Speaker 1: We all have that God shaped hole in our heart
Speaker 1: that we're trying to fill and we're not going to
Speaker 1: get that. But are we getting a love that's healthy?
Speaker 1: Are we creating a love that's healthy with that individual?
Speaker 1: So it's really important to talk about trauma, to understand
Speaker 1: that person's trauma, and don't let love just overshadow that.
Speaker 1: The next one is love versus support. What we really
Speaker 1: want is support. Love isn't enough. You need support. You
Speaker 1: want a partnership, not just a relationship. I was speaking
Speaker 1: to a friend the other day, and he was talking
Speaker 1: about how he finds himself doing everything in a relationship. Now,
Speaker 1: whenever anyone says that to me, my first version is
Speaker 1: to be skeptical and thoughtful about it and say, look,
Speaker 1: when we look at the scorecard of love. It's great
Speaker 1: not to have a scorecard, but we all keep one,
Speaker 1: and often what we do is we only look at
Speaker 1: the financial. We think who provides financially, But I like
Speaker 1: people to extend their scorecard of love to physical, financial, emotional, mental,
Speaker 1: and spiritual physically, who takes care of the relationship. Who's
Speaker 1: taking care of the food, the cleaning, the groceries, the cooking.
Speaker 1: These are all important parts of a relationship. Don't forget
Speaker 1: that when you're coming up with your scorecard. The second
Speaker 1: is who's financially taking care of the relationship. Who's paying
Speaker 1: the bills, the rent, the mortgage, who's paying for all
Speaker 1: the stuff, who's paying for when things go wrong, who's
Speaker 1: paying for health insurance, whatever else it may be. The
Speaker 1: third is who's mentally leading the relationship. This is a
Speaker 1: lot more subtle, but we often forget it. It's almost
Speaker 1: like who's really mentally stable in difficult times, who's really
Speaker 1: making sure that you're both feeling secure and stable in
Speaker 1: the relationship. Who's really making sure that you're both being
Speaker 1: level headed about your decision making. Then who's emotionally leading
Speaker 1: the relationship, who has more mood swings, and who's actually
Speaker 1: making sure that you're happy. Who's the one who's carrying
Speaker 1: the relationship emotionally and finally spiritually, who's the one guiding
Speaker 1: you both spiritually? If that's a value for you. So
Speaker 1: when you look at the scorecard across all five areas,
Speaker 1: you start to realize you may not be in the lead.
Speaker 1: But if you realize that you are the one doing
Speaker 1: four out of five or three out of four, then
Speaker 1: of course there is an imbalance. And obviously we use
Speaker 1: love again. We go, oh, they're busy, they're fine, But
Speaker 1: let's really think about that. Are we using love as
Speaker 1: a way of covering up what we deserve? There's one
Speaker 1: more I wanted to share with you, which is love
Speaker 1: makes you forget the importance of trust. There's a quote
Speaker 1: that I love that says trust is more valuable than
Speaker 1: love because you can't love someone you don't trust, right,
Speaker 1: you can trust someone you don't love that you trust
Speaker 1: someone that you work with and you may not love them,
Speaker 1: but you can't love someone you don't trust. And that's
Speaker 1: why trust is more valuable than love, because you can't.
Speaker 1: And often what we've realized is you're like, I love them,
Speaker 1: but I don't trust them. I want to check their
Speaker 1: phone all the time. I love them, but I don't
Speaker 1: trust them. I'm wondering where they are at night. I
Speaker 1: love them, but I don't trust them. And of course
Speaker 1: we have to ask ourselves, do we not trust them
Speaker 1: because of our own trauma? Or do we trust them
Speaker 1: not trust them because of their behavior? That's the next question, right,
Speaker 1: The next question is going to force someone into being trustworthy.
Speaker 1: It's to say, wait a minute, is it my own
Speaker 1: conditioning that's holding me back or is it the way
Speaker 1: they behave Now. If it's my own conditioning, let me
Speaker 1: work on that, let me build up my attachment styles,
Speaker 1: let me become healthier with myself. But if it's their behavior,
Speaker 1: let me not let that lead me to a relationship
Speaker 1: I don't want. I hope this relationship helps you understand
Speaker 1: that love is beautiful, it's powerful, it's necessary, but there's
Speaker 1: more to it. And often when we keep asking ourselves,
Speaker 1: do they love me, do I love them? We're not
Speaker 1: asking the right questions. The real question is do I
Speaker 1: trust them? Do they support me? Do I care about them?
Speaker 1: Are they there for me? Do their patterns show up
Speaker 1: in the way that I would want someone that I love?
Speaker 1: Or are they just relying on what they say? Thank
Speaker 1: you so much for listening. Make sure you leave a review,
Speaker 1: Pass this on to a friend. I can't wait to
Speaker 1: see you again on the next episode. Thank you so
Speaker 1: much for listening, and I hope you enjoyed your walk,
Speaker 1: your gym session, cooking, walking your dog, driving, whatever you're
Speaker 1: doing right now. I appreciate you, and remember I'm forever
Speaker 1: in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. Thank you.
Speaker 1: If you love this episode, you'll love my interview with
Speaker 1: Dr Gabor Matte on understanding your trauma and how to
Speaker 1: heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past.
Speaker 1: Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable. So a
Speaker 1: tree doesn't go where it's hard and thick, does it.
Speaker 1: It goes where it's soft and green and vulnerable.