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Speaker 1: Welcome to the ten Minute Storyteller. That's me Bill Simpson,

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Speaker 1: your host, narrator and author. We hear at the ten

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Speaker 1: Minute Storyteller endeavor to entertain you with tall tales or

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Speaker 1: rendered swiftly and with the utmost empathy. We pledge to

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Speaker 1: pack as much entertainment, emotion, and exploration into the human

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Speaker 1: condition as ten minutes will permit. Many novels on steroids.

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Speaker 1: Two day's offering is entitled He Left His Balls in Fallujah. Fellujah,

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Speaker 1: for the uninitiated, is a city in central Iraq and

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Speaker 1: the site of a major engagement in the war between

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Speaker 1: Iraq and the United States, fought between November seven and

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Speaker 1: December twenty four, two thousand and four. This is a

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Speaker 1: story of loss and survival. It's an anti war story,

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Speaker 1: a story about not judging a book, or in this case,

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Speaker 1: a person, by its cover or in this case, his

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Speaker 1: physical appearance. It's kind of an amusing tale that's so

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Speaker 1: damn sad you might just want to cry. He Left

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Speaker 1: his Balls in Fallujah. More than a dozen years coaching

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Speaker 1: high school hoops, Bob thought he'd seen and heard it all. Nope.

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Speaker 1: Tonight's away game at South Central was set to serve

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Speaker 1: up something entirely new and different. Bob noticed the wild

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Speaker 1: looking dude during warmups, hard to miss chest, arms and

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Speaker 1: thighs bursting through his referee's uniform, all muscled up from

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Speaker 1: head to toe and tats covering every square inch of

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Speaker 1: skin below his neck. A scantily clad glamour queen running

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Speaker 1: down his right bicept onto his forearm, A bird cage

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Speaker 1: with an open door on his left bicept, and three

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Speaker 1: little birds flying away down his left forearm and wrist.

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Speaker 1: A skull and bones on his right thigh, a fluttering

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Speaker 1: American flag on his left thigh, three blood red roses

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Speaker 1: on his right calf, and an M twenty seven infantry

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Speaker 1: rifle on his left calf. Bob knows it's an M

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Speaker 1: twenty seven because his brother had carried one for the

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Speaker 1: US Army in Afghanistan. The muscled up, tattooed referee stands

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Speaker 1: at least six feet three inches tall and has not

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Speaker 1: one single hair on his head. His scalp glistens under

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Speaker 1: the bright gymnasium lights. A few minutes before tip off,

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Speaker 1: the stands beginning to fill with students and parents. The

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Speaker 1: ref signals to the two coaches. To meet him at

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Speaker 1: half court. His voice deep, guttural, filled with gravel. He

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Speaker 1: sounds like curly Jack Palance in city Slickers. I got

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Speaker 1: a problem, men, nothing we can't overcome, I'm sure, says Bob,

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Speaker 1: an outwardly cheery guy who frets over life's minutia despite

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Speaker 1: the reality that his life has been a pretty smooth cakewalk.

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Speaker 1: The ref gruns, you only got me my partner. He

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Speaker 1: just got in a wreck. A wreck, asked Bob. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: some broad tee bonedum. He ain't gonna make it. Jesus,

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Speaker 1: says Bob. That's terrible. Maybe we should call the game

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Speaker 1: off like hell, grumbles the ref. I need to doe.

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Speaker 1: I can land these pigeons solo. No big deal. Oh well, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm sure, says Bob, even though he doesn't have a

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Speaker 1: clue what the ref just said. But if this guy

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Speaker 1: your partner, I mean, I mean, if he's going to die,

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Speaker 1: I feel like who said anything about him dying? Well, well,

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Speaker 1: you said he wasn't going to make it to the game.

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Speaker 1: Side swiper, he ain't gonna make it to the game. Jesus,

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Speaker 1: gotta wait for the cops to come to the scene.

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Speaker 1: You know how it goes. It takes hours, oh, says Bob. Oh, okay,

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Speaker 1: so you're both good. I call the game solo. The coaches,

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Speaker 1: neither of them about to argue with this bald headed biamuth,

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Speaker 1: nod and scurry back to their respective benches. The game

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Speaker 1: gets underway. The quality of play is small, high school mediocre.

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Speaker 1: The big guy with the whistle and the muscles, and

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Speaker 1: the shiny pat and the black and white uniform, he's

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Speaker 1: easily the star of the show. He flies up and

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Speaker 1: down the floor with Gusto and Bravado. Well into his forties.

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Speaker 1: He sprints effortlessly from one end of the court to

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Speaker 1: the other, always on the ball, missing nothing, eyes in

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Speaker 1: the back of his head. When he blows his whistle,

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Speaker 1: the whole universe comes to a standstill. I got number

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Speaker 1: five with the body, and he gives a little hip thrust.

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Speaker 1: Two free throws. Line it up, boys, and be quick

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Speaker 1: about it. The boys, unnerved by the hard charging Goliath,

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Speaker 1: quickly take their places like so many POWs in a

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Speaker 1: Nazi Staloch. Halftime outside, the wind blows and the snow falls.

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Speaker 1: Heading into the locker room, Bob asks the ref any

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Speaker 1: word on your partner, I mean you know, is he okay,

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Speaker 1: How the hell would I know? What do you think

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Speaker 1: I'm checking texts in the middle of the game. Oh right,

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Speaker 1: says Bob. No, of course not, you wouldn't do that.

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Speaker 1: In the middle of the third quarter, the power goes

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Speaker 1: out and the gym goes most slead dark. A few

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Speaker 1: emergency lights provide enough illumination to make out shadows, but

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Speaker 1: nowhere near enough light to play basketball. The ref blows

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Speaker 1: his whistle.

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Speaker 2: Let's just all calm down, people. It's not like the

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Speaker 2: Kamis or the Iraqi Republican guards coming in to get us.

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Speaker 2: Just stay cool and if the lights don't come on

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Speaker 2: in a few minutes, we'll file out of here peacefully.

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Speaker 1: Well, of course, everyone does as ordered. The coaches a

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Speaker 1: rendezvous with the ref at the scorer's table. All these

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Speaker 1: years coaching, says Bob. My first power outage, first time

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Speaker 1: for everything, grunts the ref. I'm going to make a

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Speaker 1: couple of calls, says the other coach, see if I

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Speaker 1: can find out how long this might last. The ref

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Speaker 1: nods and ambles out to the middle of the court.

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Speaker 1: Stands there with his thick, muscular arms folded across his

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Speaker 1: powerful chest in the dim light. He looks like an

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Speaker 1: like an apparition. Bob thinks the Ref might just be

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Speaker 1: the most virile son of a bitch he's ever seen.

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Speaker 1: Some unforeseen force pulls Bob out to the middle of

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Speaker 1: the court. He hears himself say, I noticed that tattoo

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Speaker 1: of the twenty seven. Yeah were you you know, were

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Speaker 1: you in the service? Yeah you no, no, no, not me,

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Speaker 1: but my older brother, Army did a torn Afghanistan. He

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Speaker 1: sent pictures of him and his buddies, all of them

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Speaker 1: with their M twenty seven's that you know. That's why

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Speaker 1: I know what it is good for killing. Bob swallows hard.

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Speaker 1: He worries about everything, what he eats, what he drinks,

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Speaker 1: what he says to people, what people say to him.

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Speaker 1: He should just relax and enjoy life. After all, he

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Speaker 1: has so little control over anything. Why worry Army? Bob

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Speaker 1: asks Marines overseas Iraq crazy stuff? Huh? The Ref doesn't answer. Instead,

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Speaker 1: he pulls his phone out of his back pocket, turns

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Speaker 1: on the flashlight, and illuminates the fading tat on his

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Speaker 1: right arm. You want crazy, bub. The Ref's voice sounds

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Speaker 1: even raspier now and so soft. Bob has to strain

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Speaker 1: and step closer to hear. I didn't mean anything by it,

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Speaker 1: you know, I just came out to make conversation. You

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Speaker 1: see this dame, and the ref points to the scantily

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Speaker 1: clad glamour queen on his right arm. Yeah, yeah, I

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Speaker 1: see her. I married her when we were both just kids. Nice,

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Speaker 1: sess Bob. That's nice. We had two kids, first, a

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Speaker 1: girl than a boy. Well, that's just awesome. A boy

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Speaker 1: and a girl. What more could a guy want? I

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Speaker 1: just have a little boy so far, Mikey, he's two.

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Speaker 1: They sent me to Iraq December two thousand and three.

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Speaker 1: Total bullshit, total bullshit. Sodom had nothing to do with

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Speaker 1: nine to eleven. Nothing, just little Bush trying to prove

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Speaker 1: he had bigger balls and his old man right, says Bob. Stupefied.

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Speaker 1: Bigger balls men in their balls are lack thereof. Bob

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Speaker 1: can feel the sweat gathering in his armpits. The ref

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Speaker 1: illuminates the newer shinier tat on his left arm, the

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Speaker 1: one of the bird cage with the open door and

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Speaker 1: the three little birds making their escape. What's your name,

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Speaker 1: asks the ref. Bob says Bob, Well, Bob, those birds

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Speaker 1: that's my wife and kids. Wife and kids. Yeah, I

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Speaker 1: came back, you.

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Speaker 2: Know from my rack, a little a little different, a

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Speaker 2: little pissed off.

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Speaker 1: Bob swallows so hard this time he thinks he might

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Speaker 1: have swallowed a c ball. My brother too came home.

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Speaker 1: I guess you could say he was kind of angry.

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Speaker 1: He have his balls? Huh? Did he have his balls

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Speaker 1: when he got back?

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Speaker 2: Well?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, sure he hit his balls. Well, lucky him. Christmas

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Speaker 1: Eve two thousand and four, Iraq, Fallujah, I got my

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Speaker 1: balls blown off. Thanks for listening to this original audio

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Speaker 1: presentation of He Left his Balls in Fallujah, narrated by

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Speaker 1: the author. If you enjoy today's story, please take a

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Speaker 1: few seconds to rate, review, and subscribe to this podcast.

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Speaker 1: The Ten Minute Storyteller is produced by Andrew Pleglsi and

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Speaker 1: Josh Kolodney and as part of the Elvis Duran Podcast

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Speaker 1: Network in partnership with iHeart Productions. Until next week, this

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Speaker 1: is Bill Simpson, your ten Minute Storyteller

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Speaker 2: And