1 00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:10,040 Speaker 1: Welcome to the ten minute Storyteller. That's me Bill Simpson, 2 00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:15,000 Speaker 1: your host, narrator and author. We hear at the ten 3 00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:19,680 Speaker 1: minute Storyteller endeavor to entertain you with tall tales or 4 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:24,840 Speaker 1: rendered swiftly and with the utmost empathy. We pledge to 5 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:29,480 Speaker 1: pack as much entertainment, emotion, and exploration into the human 6 00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:40,120 Speaker 1: condition as ten minutes will permit. Mini novels on steroids. 7 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:47,520 Speaker 1: This week we meet Big Al Stevens. For years, decades, 8 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:52,559 Speaker 1: Big Al spent enormous amounts of time and money shopping 9 00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:56,840 Speaker 1: and consuming, buying no end of crapola. He didn't need 10 00:00:57,120 --> 00:01:02,520 Speaker 1: and probably didn't even want. But consuming was an addiction. 11 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:07,160 Speaker 1: Al coveted a wide array of products and service is 12 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:12,000 Speaker 1: large and small. It was a never ending compulsion, a 13 00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:18,360 Speaker 1: kind of enslavement. Well, eventually Al became fed up with 14 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:22,560 Speaker 1: this vicious cycle, and so he broke his addition, vowed 15 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:27,000 Speaker 1: to become an anti consumer, to buy only those goods 16 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:31,920 Speaker 1: and services that were one hundred percent essential. And for 17 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:36,560 Speaker 1: a couple of years Al succeeded. He was happy, calm, 18 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:48,520 Speaker 1: content until one day. The American consumer, on any given day, 19 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:52,520 Speaker 1: Al Stevens might covet everything from a pair of Gucci 20 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:57,760 Speaker 1: loafers to a Tesla s plaid In between, Al might 21 00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:01,760 Speaker 1: feast his eyes on the latest and greyst iPhone megapro, 22 00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:08,000 Speaker 1: a pair of Revo aviators, an eighty five inch Samsung Neo, 23 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:12,640 Speaker 1: some rag and bone jeans. But this is just the 24 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:16,080 Speaker 1: pricey stuff. At every click of the mouse, every flick 25 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:19,359 Speaker 1: of his phone, every time he tunes in an NFL, 26 00:02:19,919 --> 00:02:25,160 Speaker 1: NBA or MLB professional sporting contest, which are in fact 27 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:30,880 Speaker 1: nothing but live programming venues for advertisers, Al is tempted 28 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:36,239 Speaker 1: to buy beer, belly wash, various types of chips, underwear, mouthwash, 29 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:42,079 Speaker 1: underarmed deodorant, razor blades, air fresheners, chewing gum, batteries, buicks, 30 00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:46,960 Speaker 1: buffalo chicken, wild wings, slip on sneakers, and pills for 31 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:53,040 Speaker 1: everything from headaches to ezema to diabetes. It's crazy out there, 32 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:57,400 Speaker 1: the endless shit people are trying to sell you, trying 33 00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:03,200 Speaker 1: to sell Ali. Al finally rebelled a couple years ago, 34 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:07,480 Speaker 1: called a complete halt to any and all purchases that 35 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:12,040 Speaker 1: were not absolute necessities. No more one hundred and fifty 36 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:15,840 Speaker 1: nine dollars sneakers, just because some pop up ad caught 37 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:18,760 Speaker 1: his eye and he had two minutes to kill before 38 00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:23,240 Speaker 1: his next appointment. Pick color, size and with cough up 39 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:28,160 Speaker 1: credit card number, expiration date, three digit security code, quick 40 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:32,200 Speaker 1: type in address. Okay, cough up another four to ninety 41 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:36,520 Speaker 1: nine for two day delivery. Why wait and bang, hit 42 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:42,640 Speaker 1: send and feed the adrenaline rush of another entirely spontaneous, ridiculous, 43 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:48,240 Speaker 1: unnecessary purchase. Al needed another pair of sneakers about as 44 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:52,000 Speaker 1: much as Elon Musk needed another boost to his ego, 45 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:57,520 Speaker 1: another deposit to his personal checking account. But all that 46 00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:01,680 Speaker 1: nonsense is could put now. Al grew sick and tired 47 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:05,800 Speaker 1: of being a consumer, nothing but a product lackey for 48 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:09,680 Speaker 1: General Motors and General Mills and the thousands of other 49 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:14,480 Speaker 1: companies that viewed Al not as a thinking, carrying, amusing 50 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:19,240 Speaker 1: human being, but rather as a consuming machine with a 51 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:24,160 Speaker 1: high credit score, multiple credit cards, and an annual salary 52 00:04:24,279 --> 00:04:28,760 Speaker 1: somewhere north of one hundred and fifty g's. The producers 53 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:36,200 Speaker 1: of cars, close, breakfast cereals, personal hygiene products, alcoholic beverages, 54 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:40,240 Speaker 1: and every other product under the sun know all the 55 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:45,080 Speaker 1: essentials about Al. They know his monthly take home, his 56 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:47,880 Speaker 1: net worth, the size of his mortgage, what kind of 57 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:51,600 Speaker 1: toilet paper he prefers, what kind of car he drives, 58 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:56,200 Speaker 1: what kind of car he craves, how much porn he watches, 59 00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:59,799 Speaker 1: what kind of watch he wears, what jim he works 60 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:04,520 Speaker 1: and how often he works out, what blade he uses 61 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,599 Speaker 1: to shave his whiskers, the type of dog food his 62 00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:11,119 Speaker 1: dog eats, where he dines out, how much boozey drinks, 63 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:17,919 Speaker 1: where he goes on vacation, etc. Etc. Etc. At least 64 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:21,200 Speaker 1: they used to know all this jive about Big Al, 65 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:26,080 Speaker 1: But then Big Al threw them a curveball. Big Al 66 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:30,040 Speaker 1: canceled all but one of his credit cards. He uses 67 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:34,920 Speaker 1: that one sparingly. Mostly Now he uses cash, good old 68 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:38,960 Speaker 1: fashioned cash, hard to follow, hard to trace, hard to 69 00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:44,080 Speaker 1: collect data on some smart ass trying to spank the system. 70 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:49,680 Speaker 1: Al rarely gives out any personal information anymore, holds it 71 00:05:49,839 --> 00:05:54,080 Speaker 1: close to his vest, the way Grandpa taught him. Don't 72 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:57,159 Speaker 1: tell him dick, Al, don't tell him dick. Only on 73 00:05:57,240 --> 00:06:01,960 Speaker 1: a need to know basis. Al's grandfather knew what he 74 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:06,840 Speaker 1: was talking about. OSS agent in France during World War Two. 75 00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:12,279 Speaker 1: Al still uses a smartphone, but deleted all but the 76 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:17,240 Speaker 1: most necessary apps. Any search engine searches he uses duck 77 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:21,800 Speaker 1: duck goo which or so the company claims, erases your 78 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:27,040 Speaker 1: searches immediately after you make them. No more online banking, 79 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:32,560 Speaker 1: no more automatic withdrawals, no more online purchases, No more Amazon, 80 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:36,839 Speaker 1: no more Target or Walmart, no more bullshit of any kind. 81 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:42,039 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, Al's been a busy little non consumer now 82 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:45,520 Speaker 1: for the past couple years. Really proud of himself. He 83 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:49,279 Speaker 1: is like a boozer who's been off the sauce or 84 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:53,400 Speaker 1: a junkie off the bag. Al feels clean, he feels good, 85 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:57,560 Speaker 1: he feels strong. He buys just the food he needs 86 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:02,600 Speaker 1: to stay healthy and keep his belly for. No sugar, salt, fat, 87 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:06,479 Speaker 1: laiden crap owl of her big owl, just lean meats, 88 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:10,600 Speaker 1: raw vegetables, and lots of fruit. Plain old bar soap 89 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:16,280 Speaker 1: for personal cleanliness, hair face, body bar soap does the job. 90 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:23,040 Speaker 1: No special shampoos or facial scrubs or moisturizing body washes. 91 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,120 Speaker 1: What a lot of horseshit. Just give me a bar 92 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,760 Speaker 1: goddamn soap, baby, and let me get at it. Cheapest 93 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:34,280 Speaker 1: toothpaste he can find. It does the job, freshens his breath, 94 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:38,680 Speaker 1: like as Dennis told him, two or three gentle brushes 95 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:42,560 Speaker 1: a day owl doesn't matter an angel's halo, what kind 96 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:49,360 Speaker 1: of toothpaste you use? Drives a used civic eyeglasses at Costco, 97 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,800 Speaker 1: a cup or three of Joe from mister Coffee right 98 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:57,240 Speaker 1: in his own kitchen. Five bucks for a cup of 99 00:07:57,280 --> 00:08:00,400 Speaker 1: coffee at Starbucks, while half the humans on Earth don't 100 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:06,320 Speaker 1: have enough to eat, shit and no more TV with ads, 101 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:12,400 Speaker 1: Al records the sports and watches later speeds through the 102 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:18,560 Speaker 1: endless prattle for Budweiser, BMW's Bounty paper towels, seventy five 103 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:23,480 Speaker 1: thousand dollars f one fifty pickup trucks driven by insurance 104 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:29,840 Speaker 1: agents who live in apartments, Eminem's milky ways, Marvel superhero 105 00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:33,640 Speaker 1: movies starring Prima Donna, movie actors who make more money 106 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:38,360 Speaker 1: per film than the gross national product of Ecuador. All 107 00:08:38,679 --> 00:08:42,960 Speaker 1: this hokum Al has avoided now for the past two years. 108 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:47,840 Speaker 1: If you don't see the crap, Al likes to tell 109 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:51,040 Speaker 1: his buds. If you're not getting the shit shoveled at 110 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:54,040 Speaker 1: you like so much horse manure, you don't want it, 111 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:57,720 Speaker 1: you don't need it. Hell's fire, you don't even think 112 00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:03,640 Speaker 1: about it. Proved you can, in fact live in the 113 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:08,280 Speaker 1: United States of consumerism, and not partake of the nation's 114 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:12,439 Speaker 1: addiction to constantly by crop you don't need and probably 115 00:09:12,679 --> 00:09:18,400 Speaker 1: don't even want. Just fighting off boredom and depression and anxiety, 116 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:23,040 Speaker 1: that's all. Why else, Al wonders would anyone buy a 117 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:26,960 Speaker 1: twelve hundred dollars iPhone when the one they bought last 118 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:33,839 Speaker 1: year works flawlessly, looks identical, and performs the same tricks. Well, 119 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:39,200 Speaker 1: it's a conundrum he'll never fully fathom. Al has come 120 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:43,000 Speaker 1: to believe that he has driven the wolf from the door. 121 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:47,320 Speaker 1: He has beaten the consumer beast to death, buried it 122 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:51,920 Speaker 1: in the backyard. It no longer exists within him that desire, 123 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:57,280 Speaker 1: that passion, that obsession to buy bye bye. He wants 124 00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:01,640 Speaker 1: nothing and wants for nothing. Yes, sirree, Al believes this, 125 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,680 Speaker 1: He really does. He believes he has found the right 126 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:09,360 Speaker 1: and righteous way to live simply and happily, cool and 127 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:18,280 Speaker 1: contentedly the anti consumer. Oh yeah, alas like the reform 128 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:22,160 Speaker 1: junkie who finally gives in and buys another bag, And 129 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:26,600 Speaker 1: like the cigarette smoker, you know, the ex cigarette smoker 130 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:30,040 Speaker 1: who hasn't had a butt nine years but still daily 131 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:35,000 Speaker 1: craves one and finally lights up like the devout AA 132 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:38,520 Speaker 1: attendee who quit the Booze a couple decades ago and 133 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:42,360 Speaker 1: goes to meetings several times a week, but suddenly, when 134 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:45,840 Speaker 1: he loses his job, or breaks his leg or finds 135 00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:50,160 Speaker 1: out his son wants to be his daughter, he unscrews 136 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:56,120 Speaker 1: the cap off the beefeaters and takes a long, refreshing swallow. 137 00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:59,920 Speaker 1: Like the dude who lost eighty pounds by eating nothing 138 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:03,640 Speaker 1: but carrots and celery sticks for three years, but falls 139 00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:07,640 Speaker 1: to pieces when the aroma of a big mac wafts 140 00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:13,240 Speaker 1: past his schnaws. Yeah, like these dudes, Big Al, so 141 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:18,320 Speaker 1: cocksure is about to take a fall from his lofty, 142 00:11:18,559 --> 00:11:22,600 Speaker 1: self righteous anti consumer perch. Big Al is about to topple. 143 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:27,120 Speaker 1: And it's going to be something extraordinarily mundane that does 144 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:30,280 Speaker 1: Al in. Because you see, think what you will, think 145 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:33,960 Speaker 1: what you want. But as good law abiding Americans, you 146 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:36,760 Speaker 1: and me and Al, we're here for one reason and 147 00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:43,800 Speaker 1: one reason only to consume, to buy, to purchase food, fuel, 148 00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:52,440 Speaker 1: dry goods, software, hardware, appliances, sofas, minivans, cokes, dental care, healthcare, deathcare. 149 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:58,760 Speaker 1: So what toppled Big Al? What did him in? What 150 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,960 Speaker 1: brought him down, brought him back to planet Earth, back 151 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:08,160 Speaker 1: to America, to the United States of perpetual consumerism. We'll 152 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:12,760 Speaker 1: get this. It was a hat, a goddamn cowboy hat, 153 00:12:13,559 --> 00:12:18,680 Speaker 1: a stetson, a Stetson Open Road. Oh yeah, he saw 154 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:22,720 Speaker 1: Kevin Costner wearing one on Yellowstone, and the sum bitch 155 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:27,160 Speaker 1: just had to have one. Costner looked so good in it, 156 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:30,360 Speaker 1: and Al well, al thought he'd look pretty spiffy in 157 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:35,160 Speaker 1: it too, exactly where he'd wear the silly goddamn thing. 158 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:39,160 Speaker 1: Al didn't have a clue, but he coveted ownership. Nevertheless, 159 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:43,679 Speaker 1: broke his solemn vow to never again shop online and 160 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:49,480 Speaker 1: went direct to Stetson dot Com, studied the various styles 161 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,520 Speaker 1: and colors, fought the desire off for a day or 162 00:12:52,559 --> 00:12:55,920 Speaker 1: two a week, but again and again, he kept going 163 00:12:56,000 --> 00:13:00,560 Speaker 1: back to the website until late one night, the family lumbering, 164 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:07,120 Speaker 1: he pulled the trigger. Yeah, the eighteen sixty five Distressed 165 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:12,719 Speaker 1: Open Road Royal Deluxe in lead belly silver, a very 166 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:17,600 Speaker 1: nice chunk of wampum, two hundred and seventy dollars, and 167 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:20,920 Speaker 1: oh god, the euphoria when he sent the order off 168 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:27,920 Speaker 1: into cyberspace, out onto the Personal Information Super highway. Sure. 169 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:32,360 Speaker 1: A few hours later, lying wide awake in bed, he 170 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:36,280 Speaker 1: battled a serious case of buyer's remorse, thought long and 171 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:39,560 Speaker 1: hard about how his wife would roll her eyes, and 172 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:44,360 Speaker 1: his kids, especially his teenage daughter, would mock him unmercifully 173 00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:48,280 Speaker 1: when he walked in wearing the goofy stupid hat. But hey, 174 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,640 Speaker 1: Al wanted a stetson, and, son of a bitch, he 175 00:13:51,679 --> 00:13:55,880 Speaker 1: would damn well have it in just seven days. And 176 00:13:56,000 --> 00:14:01,560 Speaker 1: while he waited, what did Al do? He shopped? Oh online, 177 00:14:01,679 --> 00:14:05,560 Speaker 1: damn tooton bought himself an electric toothbrush, the world's most 178 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:13,280 Speaker 1: powerful flashlight, some Hokah trail splitters, an Ego electric lawnmower. Hey, 179 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:17,000 Speaker 1: how about an Apple home pod, a leather travel off 180 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:22,320 Speaker 1: for trips to Nowheresville, USA? Oh yeah, the eruption was 181 00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:25,520 Speaker 1: two years in the making. The pressure had to blow. 182 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,960 Speaker 1: Al went hog wild, made up for lost time and 183 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:33,600 Speaker 1: quickly re established his rightful place as an icon of 184 00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:49,040 Speaker 1: American consumerism, an American consumer extraordinary, big owl. Hey, thanks 185 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:54,320 Speaker 1: for listening to this original audio presentation of the American Consumer, 186 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:59,360 Speaker 1: narrated by the author. If you enjoy today's story, please 187 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:03,280 Speaker 1: take a few seconds to rate, review, and subscribe to 188 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:08,880 Speaker 1: this podcast, and then go to Thomas William Simpson dot 189 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:13,040 Speaker 1: com for additional information about the author and to view 190 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:18,600 Speaker 1: his extensive canon. The Ten Minute Storyteller is produced by 191 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:23,040 Speaker 1: Andrew Pleiglici and Josh Colotney and as part of the 192 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:30,360 Speaker 1: Elvis Duran Podcast Network in partnership with Iheartproductions. Until next time, 193 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:34,440 Speaker 1: this is Bill Simpson, Your ten Minute Storyteller.