1 00:00:00,070 --> 00:00:03,430 Speaker 1: All right, guys, welcome into this week's Rewind episode of Disgraceland. 2 00:00:03,490 --> 00:00:07,340 Speaker 1: We are getting into our Nirvana story this weekend, and 3 00:00:07,380 --> 00:00:11,260 Speaker 1: we released these episodes originally back in March of 2019. 4 00:00:11,260 --> 00:00:14,900 Speaker 1: I got to say, when they were released, I was shocked. 5 00:00:15,260 --> 00:00:20,410 Speaker 1: I was legitimately shocked at the reaction, the blowback from 6 00:00:20,510 --> 00:00:25,470 Speaker 1: people who really believe that Kurt Cobain did not commit suicide. 7 00:00:29,260 --> 00:00:32,479 Speaker 1: It was so strong that it forced me to dig 8 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:34,890 Speaker 1: back into the research and see if I missed anything. 9 00:00:34,950 --> 00:00:37,570 Speaker 1: And I came out the other side and I still 10 00:00:37,610 --> 00:00:41,110 Speaker 1: believe what I believed when these were originally released and written. 11 00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:45,809 Speaker 1: You know, Courtney Love, think what you might about her. 12 00:00:45,830 --> 00:00:50,080 Speaker 1: I do not believe she's a killer, despite what some 13 00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:53,019 Speaker 1: documentaries might say. When you look at the actual evidence, 14 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:57,250 Speaker 1: including evidence from a so-called organization, study that came out 15 00:00:57,530 --> 00:01:01,250 Speaker 1: in February of 2026. It got a lot of hype, 16 00:01:01,290 --> 00:01:03,310 Speaker 1: a lot of news. We looked at all of that 17 00:01:04,209 --> 00:01:07,570 Speaker 1: and came to the same conclusion. Kurt Cobain was a 18 00:01:07,630 --> 00:01:13,950 Speaker 1: deeply tormented artist. Courtney Love is a deeply complicated person 19 00:01:14,170 --> 00:01:19,090 Speaker 1: and artist. And their story is tragic. The story of 20 00:01:19,330 --> 00:01:21,920 Speaker 1: Nirvana is singular in the history of rock and roll. 21 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:29,080 Speaker 1: And these two episodes reflect those Two points. Releasing them 22 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:32,290 Speaker 1: again now for a specific reason. There's a Courtney Love 23 00:01:32,310 --> 00:01:34,789 Speaker 1: documentary coming, I don't know when, in the next couple months, 24 00:01:35,190 --> 00:01:39,330 Speaker 1: some point. And I think what I want to do 25 00:01:39,370 --> 00:01:40,790 Speaker 1: is I want to hear from you guys and hear 26 00:01:40,830 --> 00:01:43,510 Speaker 1: what you think on this story. Do you still, after 27 00:01:43,550 --> 00:01:47,770 Speaker 1: listening to both of these episodes, still believe that Kurt's 28 00:01:47,810 --> 00:01:53,210 Speaker 1: death was not the official cause of suicide, death by suicide, 29 00:01:53,270 --> 00:01:57,330 Speaker 1: or do you believe something nefarious happened? I want to know. 617-906-6638. 30 00:01:57,380 --> 00:02:00,440 Speaker 1: Voicemail and text to let me know at DisgracelandPod on 31 00:02:00,460 --> 00:02:04,500 Speaker 1: the socials, DisgracelandPod at gmail.com. And based on the reaction 32 00:02:04,540 --> 00:02:06,620 Speaker 1: I get from you guys, I might end up taking 33 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:11,000 Speaker 1: a deeper look into the so-called conspiracy theorists who believe 34 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,820 Speaker 1: that something else was at play. 35 00:02:14,460 --> 00:02:17,239 Speaker 2: We'll get into that later. Here's part two of the 36 00:02:17,300 --> 00:02:32,810 Speaker 2: Nirvana story. This episode contains content that may be disturbing 37 00:02:32,850 --> 00:02:36,030 Speaker 2: to some listeners. Please check the show notes for more information. 38 00:02:37,150 --> 00:02:59,130 Speaker 1: The story about Kurt Cobain His state of mind and 39 00:02:59,150 --> 00:03:02,590 Speaker 1: his relationship with his wife, Courtney Love, is so complex 40 00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:05,680 Speaker 1: that two episodes were needed to properly tell this story. 41 00:03:06,540 --> 00:03:08,820 Speaker 1: If you're just getting hip to this now, I suggest 42 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:12,240 Speaker 1: you hit pause and go back to Disgraceland episode 25, 43 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:15,100 Speaker 1: part 1 of the Kurt and Courtney story, where we 44 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:18,720 Speaker 1: discuss Kurt's childhood, the rise of his band Nirvana, and 45 00:03:18,750 --> 00:03:21,169 Speaker 1: his hooking up with the love of his life, Courtney Love. 46 00:03:22,330 --> 00:03:25,090 Speaker 1: In this episode, we finally get around to some great 47 00:03:25,150 --> 00:03:27,990 Speaker 1: Courtney Love music. Unlike the music played at the top 48 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,709 Speaker 1: of the show, that wasn't great music. That was a 49 00:03:30,730 --> 00:03:35,570 Speaker 1: preset loop from my Mellotron called Swinging Shotgun Rhythm BK-1. 50 00:03:36,730 --> 00:03:38,770 Speaker 1: I played you that loop because I can't afford the 51 00:03:38,830 --> 00:03:42,300 Speaker 1: rights to The Sign by Ace of Base. And why 52 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:45,280 Speaker 1: would I play you that specific slice of Neo Abba cheese, 53 00:03:45,340 --> 00:03:48,580 Speaker 1: could I afford it? Because that was the number one 54 00:03:48,620 --> 00:03:53,170 Speaker 1: song in America on April 1st, 1994. And that was 55 00:03:53,210 --> 00:03:56,240 Speaker 1: the day Kurt Cobain jumped over the six-foot wall at 56 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,980 Speaker 1: Exodus Recovery Center and Escaped Rehab, setting off a series 57 00:04:00,020 --> 00:04:02,060 Speaker 1: of events that will put an end to what was, 58 00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:04,890 Speaker 1: at that point, rock and roll's first family of grunge. 59 00:04:06,150 --> 00:04:11,090 Speaker 1: On this episode, Swinging Shotguns, Neo Abba Cheese, A Rehab Breakout, 60 00:04:11,630 --> 00:04:16,099 Speaker 1: Courtney Love, and Kurt Cobie. I'm Jake Brennan, and this 61 00:04:16,460 --> 00:04:43,830 Speaker 1: is Disgraceland. Despite what you think of Courtney Love, she was, 62 00:04:43,990 --> 00:04:47,750 Speaker 1: for a minute anyway, punk as fuck. Especially if we 63 00:04:47,770 --> 00:04:50,480 Speaker 1: define punk as a particular type of rebellion, one that 64 00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:54,220 Speaker 1: sits at the nexus of aggression, authenticity, anarchy, and the 65 00:04:54,260 --> 00:04:59,460 Speaker 1: relentless pursuit of freedom and indulgence. It's unsurprising because Courtney 66 00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,859 Speaker 1: Love was raised around the most punk band of all time, 67 00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:05,620 Speaker 1: the Grateful Dead. I know, you're ready to bang the 68 00:05:05,660 --> 00:05:08,420 Speaker 1: unsubscribe button and throw your phone against the wall. because 69 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:11,599 Speaker 1: your one-time favorite podcaster just called The Grateful Dead punk. 70 00:05:12,060 --> 00:05:16,580 Speaker 1: Thing is, I'm right. As a band, The Grateful Dead, 71 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:18,880 Speaker 1: a band that I care little for, by the way, 72 00:05:19,350 --> 00:05:21,520 Speaker 1: did exactly what they wanted to do, only when they 73 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:24,570 Speaker 1: wanted to do it, and always, always on their own terms. 74 00:05:25,370 --> 00:05:27,950 Speaker 1: For whatever they lacked in aggression, they made up for 75 00:05:27,990 --> 00:05:31,810 Speaker 1: in authenticity, anarchy, and the relentless pursuit of freedom and indulgence. 76 00:05:32,670 --> 00:05:34,770 Speaker 1: Ever been to a parking lot outside of a dead show? 77 00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:38,279 Speaker 1: Something tells me that anarchy and indulgence fit the bill. 78 00:05:39,180 --> 00:05:41,270 Speaker 1: And as a band, nobody could ever tell the dead 79 00:05:41,310 --> 00:05:43,930 Speaker 1: what to do. They did whatever the fuck they wanted 80 00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:47,029 Speaker 1: and succeeded at it. They had exactly one top 10 81 00:05:47,029 --> 00:05:50,450 Speaker 1: single over a 30-year career. And that single was more 82 00:05:50,470 --> 00:05:53,589 Speaker 1: than 20 years into their career. Yet, through the strength 83 00:05:53,630 --> 00:05:57,240 Speaker 1: of their authenticity, connected with one of the largest, most fervent, 84 00:05:57,360 --> 00:06:00,780 Speaker 1: and commercially consequential fan bases of all time. And they 85 00:06:00,839 --> 00:06:03,180 Speaker 1: did it themselves, with next to no help from their 86 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:06,560 Speaker 1: record label. And what's more punk than that? They also 87 00:06:06,610 --> 00:06:10,010 Speaker 1: did a ton of drugs, in particular, insanely powerful LSD. 88 00:06:12,010 --> 00:06:15,349 Speaker 1: Courtney Love was born Courtney Michelle Harrison in San Francisco 89 00:06:15,410 --> 00:06:19,250 Speaker 1: on July 9th, 1964. By the time she was five 90 00:06:19,290 --> 00:06:22,620 Speaker 1: years old, the hippie movement in San Fran's famed Haight-Ashbury 91 00:06:22,660 --> 00:06:26,940 Speaker 1: district was in full swing. Her father, Hank Harrison, was 92 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:30,600 Speaker 1: college buds with Grateful Dead bassist Phil Lesch. And back 93 00:06:30,620 --> 00:06:33,400 Speaker 1: when they were called the Warlocks, Courtney's dad managed the 94 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:37,679 Speaker 1: Grateful Dead. His management stint was short-lived, but Hank, his wife, 95 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:40,040 Speaker 1: and his dirty blonde baby girl hung around the dead, 96 00:06:40,220 --> 00:06:43,599 Speaker 1: constantly taking advantage of the relentless pursuit of freedom and 97 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:47,550 Speaker 1: indulgence offered during the Summer of Love. They partook in 98 00:06:47,670 --> 00:06:54,049 Speaker 1: orgies and experimented with whatever drugs came their way, especially LSD. Eventually, 99 00:06:54,110 --> 00:06:56,690 Speaker 1: Courtney's mom had had enough and split for Oregon with 100 00:06:56,710 --> 00:07:00,460 Speaker 1: her girl. In her child custody battle with Hank, she 101 00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:04,940 Speaker 1: testified that Hank gave LSD to Courtney as an infant. Heavy. 102 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:09,290 Speaker 1: Like the music Courtney would eventually create. But only after 103 00:07:09,350 --> 00:07:12,030 Speaker 1: managing to claw and scrape her way through a childhood 104 00:07:12,070 --> 00:07:16,510 Speaker 1: that was just as dysfunctional as her eventual husband's. Custody battles, 105 00:07:16,610 --> 00:07:21,210 Speaker 1: foster parents, sexual abuse, reform school, a brief, semi-successful run 106 00:07:21,270 --> 00:07:24,610 Speaker 1: at Hollywood appearing in Alex Cox's critically acclaimed Sid and 107 00:07:24,650 --> 00:07:29,670 Speaker 1: Nancy from 1986, and his follow-up Straight to Hell in 1987, 108 00:07:29,670 --> 00:07:32,490 Speaker 1: to eventually working her way around a stripper's pole in Alaska. 109 00:07:32,890 --> 00:07:35,310 Speaker 1: then back to L.A. to stripping at Jumbo's down on 110 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:38,160 Speaker 1: Hollywood Boulevard to save enough money for a nose job 111 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,940 Speaker 1: in order to get a record deal, her reasoning, not mine, 112 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:44,120 Speaker 1: to landing a deal with Caroline Records, to eventually getting 113 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:47,300 Speaker 1: herself into the position to take her unique talents, experience, 114 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:50,840 Speaker 1: sex appeal, outsized personality, and new nose into a recording 115 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:54,460 Speaker 1: studio with her new female-dominated band she created called Hole. 116 00:07:55,460 --> 00:07:58,840 Speaker 1: The result, as stated before, was, in a word, heavy. 117 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:03,960 Speaker 1: Hole's debut 1991 album Pretty on the Inside is a 118 00:08:04,020 --> 00:08:07,700 Speaker 1: bombastic and sludgy Gen X blast that basically says one thing. 119 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:11,680 Speaker 1: I'm Courtney Love. You've never heard or seen anything like 120 00:08:11,740 --> 00:08:14,760 Speaker 1: me before, so buckle up because shit's about to get exciting. 121 00:08:15,860 --> 00:08:18,440 Speaker 1: Is that one thing or three things? Doesn't matter. Literally, 122 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:21,040 Speaker 1: the first thing you hear on the record is Courtney's 123 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:24,400 Speaker 1: vocal over a distorted mid-tempo doom riff with lyrics that 124 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:27,900 Speaker 1: imagine an argument between mother and daughter. The sting of 125 00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:31,440 Speaker 1: Courtney's childhood was front and center. It wasn't going anywhere. 126 00:08:32,020 --> 00:08:35,690 Speaker 1: And neither was she. Courtney Love was impossible to ignore. 127 00:08:37,910 --> 00:08:40,969 Speaker 1: At least that's what Kurt Cobain thought. Within 30 seconds 128 00:08:41,010 --> 00:08:43,030 Speaker 1: of meeting her in a dank Portland club, he was 129 00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:46,970 Speaker 1: tussling on the beer-soaked floor with her, wrestling, playfully, over 130 00:08:47,010 --> 00:08:49,910 Speaker 1: some bullshit comment Courtney made while Kurt was loading his 131 00:08:49,970 --> 00:08:52,969 Speaker 1: gear in before a Nirvana gig. Something about how he 132 00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:56,470 Speaker 1: looked like Dave Perner from Soul Asylum. To Kurt, thems 133 00:08:56,510 --> 00:09:00,130 Speaker 1: was fightin' words. So things got physical. It turned Kurt on. 134 00:09:00,590 --> 00:09:03,180 Speaker 1: It left an impression. One that Kurt was eager to 135 00:09:03,260 --> 00:09:05,380 Speaker 1: explore the next time their paths crossed on the road 136 00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:08,280 Speaker 1: in the UK. Courtney on the road with Hole, Kurt 137 00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:11,040 Speaker 1: with Nirvana, and then again stateside in Chicago where they 138 00:09:11,059 --> 00:09:13,740 Speaker 1: eventually got around to giving in to that building's sexual tension. 139 00:09:14,780 --> 00:09:18,920 Speaker 1: They both fell hard and fast. It was October of 1991, 140 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,420 Speaker 1: right in the midst of Nirvana's ascent via the release 141 00:09:21,460 --> 00:09:25,679 Speaker 1: of Nevermind. The two were married in February 1992 and voila, 142 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:47,900 Speaker 1: rock and roll royalty. In the early 1990s, you couldn't 143 00:09:47,940 --> 00:09:52,500 Speaker 1: get more mainstream than Vanity Fair magazine. Comprised of A-list 144 00:09:52,540 --> 00:09:56,510 Speaker 1: contributors like Dominic Dunn, star-making photographers like Herb Ritz and 145 00:09:56,610 --> 00:09:59,810 Speaker 1: Annie Leibovitz, and helmed by genius editors Tina Brown and 146 00:09:59,850 --> 00:10:04,429 Speaker 1: Gray Carter, the high-gloss mag both projected and reflected American culture. 147 00:10:05,050 --> 00:10:07,859 Speaker 1: But what set it apart from other mainstream outlets, in 148 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:10,860 Speaker 1: addition to the quality of its content, was its willingness 149 00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:13,620 Speaker 1: to brazenly wade into the waters of high society and 150 00:10:13,660 --> 00:10:18,440 Speaker 1: celebrity scandal. In 1992, Vanity Fair was covered monthly by 151 00:10:18,460 --> 00:10:22,000 Speaker 1: the images of mega-celebrities like Kevin Costner, Jack Nicholson, and 152 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:26,089 Speaker 1: Princess Diana, boasting articles such as Norman Mailer on Oliver 153 00:10:26,130 --> 00:10:30,270 Speaker 1: Stone's JFK, Fran Lebowitz on Money, and Nick Toshus on 154 00:10:30,390 --> 00:10:33,949 Speaker 1: Ed Sullivan. Not to mention the steady stream of aristocratic 155 00:10:34,010 --> 00:10:38,010 Speaker 1: scandal covered by Dominic Dunn. The cover of the September 156 00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:40,719 Speaker 1: issue featured Geena Davis riding high on the sails of 157 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:43,980 Speaker 1: her 92-star turn alongside Tom Hanks and Madonna in A 158 00:10:44,020 --> 00:10:47,730 Speaker 1: League of Their Own. The cover also promised prospective readers 159 00:10:47,790 --> 00:10:52,700 Speaker 1: insight into Gore Vidal, Camille Paglia, and Courtney Love. The 160 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:55,540 Speaker 1: article on the recently wed grunge queen to a reluctant 161 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:59,920 Speaker 1: voice-of-a-generation husband was, to Courtney anyway, supposed to be like 162 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:04,020 Speaker 1: all the other articles. A blow-up celebrating her outrageous sense 163 00:11:04,059 --> 00:11:06,500 Speaker 1: of now, her arrival on the scene in the Gen 164 00:11:06,580 --> 00:11:10,110 Speaker 1: X takeover of a tired mainstream culture. With Courtney Love 165 00:11:10,150 --> 00:11:12,410 Speaker 1: leading the charge, of course. Because when you get right 166 00:11:12,429 --> 00:11:15,220 Speaker 1: down to it, who is more able or deserving? Courtney 167 00:11:15,250 --> 00:11:18,660 Speaker 1: was fearless, unafraid to say or do anything, and her 168 00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:21,880 Speaker 1: band was the shit. Hole had been the subject of 169 00:11:21,940 --> 00:11:25,120 Speaker 1: intense courting by the major record labels. Indeed, the first 170 00:11:25,179 --> 00:11:29,679 Speaker 1: full-fledged bidding war over an unsigned female-fronted band. Clive Davis 171 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,370 Speaker 1: and Rick Rubin lined up and were sent packing. The 172 00:11:32,380 --> 00:11:34,990 Speaker 1: deal Courtney was striking was to become mold-breaking in its 173 00:11:35,050 --> 00:11:39,369 Speaker 1: financial favorability for the artist, a female artist, her. A 174 00:11:39,410 --> 00:11:41,830 Speaker 1: fact she took deserved pride in pushing into the face 175 00:11:41,850 --> 00:11:43,449 Speaker 1: of any and all who brought the deal up in 176 00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:47,559 Speaker 1: her presence. Sure, Mr. Sexist Label Suit and Tie Guy, 177 00:11:47,580 --> 00:11:49,660 Speaker 1: you want to imply that my rock star husband is 178 00:11:49,740 --> 00:11:52,220 Speaker 1: co-writing my songs because I'm a woman and I'm unable 179 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,720 Speaker 1: to do it myself? Then fuck you very much. The 180 00:11:54,740 --> 00:11:57,910 Speaker 1: cost of my publishing just went up. And okay, Mr. 181 00:11:57,990 --> 00:12:01,410 Speaker 1: Rock Journalist Dude with your goatee, your mall-bought leather and 182 00:12:01,490 --> 00:12:05,310 Speaker 1: reader-tested editor-approved list of boring questions, you want to ask 183 00:12:05,370 --> 00:12:08,510 Speaker 1: me about my influences or what my thoughts are on grunge? 184 00:12:09,050 --> 00:12:11,510 Speaker 1: My thoughts are it's a joke, just like you. And 185 00:12:11,550 --> 00:12:14,590 Speaker 1: my influences are twofold, my inner labia and my outer labia. 186 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:19,660 Speaker 1: Those are my influences. Fuck off. This was the sort 187 00:12:19,710 --> 00:12:21,870 Speaker 1: of interview fans of Courtney Love had grown used to 188 00:12:21,929 --> 00:12:25,530 Speaker 1: in 1992, and most journalists were either too hapless or 189 00:12:25,590 --> 00:12:29,090 Speaker 1: too horrified to affect anything different. Not that they necessarily 190 00:12:29,150 --> 00:12:31,620 Speaker 1: wanted to. At the end of the day, it made 191 00:12:31,679 --> 00:12:34,260 Speaker 1: for good copy, and good copy made for good sales, 192 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,780 Speaker 1: so it was a dance worth doing for both parties. 193 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:41,050 Speaker 1: Rock mags shrugged off Courtney's exhibitionist act and played along 194 00:12:41,090 --> 00:12:43,950 Speaker 1: while Courtney left a trail of burning expletives singeing the 195 00:12:43,990 --> 00:12:47,949 Speaker 1: pages of rock magazines everywhere. But Vanity Fair wasn't a 196 00:12:47,990 --> 00:12:50,880 Speaker 1: rock magazine, it was Vanity Fair, and this game of 197 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,980 Speaker 1: shock that Courtney Love was playing was far less interesting 198 00:12:54,020 --> 00:12:56,480 Speaker 1: than the shocking truth behind the life she and Kurt 199 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:59,960 Speaker 1: Cobain were living. The truth was that they were barely living. 200 00:13:00,260 --> 00:13:02,449 Speaker 1: The truth was that they were heavily addicted to heroin, 201 00:13:02,710 --> 00:13:06,900 Speaker 1: despite being pregnant. To Vanity Fair, it wasn't entertaining, it 202 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,569 Speaker 1: wasn't funny, it wasn't safe, it wasn't even legal, it 203 00:13:09,610 --> 00:13:14,170 Speaker 1: was gross, dangerous, and in need of being exposed. In 204 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:17,630 Speaker 1: the interview, Kourtney's normal bombast, total lack of humility, and 205 00:13:17,710 --> 00:13:21,800 Speaker 1: name-dropping are all on display, off-putting qualities to any sane 206 00:13:21,860 --> 00:13:24,900 Speaker 1: person that are ultimately balanced out by the details surrounding 207 00:13:24,940 --> 00:13:29,880 Speaker 1: her vanguard style, fearless feminism, and quote-machine motormouth. You're quickly 208 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,800 Speaker 1: reminded that she's a rockstar's rockstar, and oh yeah, isn't 209 00:13:32,820 --> 00:13:34,689 Speaker 1: that why we're reading about her in the first place? 210 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:38,500 Speaker 1: until the article wades into the salacious details surrounding her 211 00:13:38,540 --> 00:13:41,960 Speaker 1: and her rock star husband's heroin habit. A habit that 212 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:45,040 Speaker 1: has 20 unnamed industry sources quoted in the couple as 213 00:13:45,059 --> 00:13:48,980 Speaker 1: being heavily into heroin. A habit Courtney actually boasts about 214 00:13:49,020 --> 00:13:52,700 Speaker 1: while recounting her whirlwind marriage to Kurt, saying, quote, We 215 00:13:52,740 --> 00:13:55,110 Speaker 1: went on a binge, referring to their time in New 216 00:13:55,140 --> 00:13:59,270 Speaker 1: York City during Kurt's first SNL appearance. Another quote, We 217 00:13:59,290 --> 00:14:01,410 Speaker 1: did a lot of drugs, we got pills, and then 218 00:14:01,450 --> 00:14:03,970 Speaker 1: we went down to Alphabet City, and Kurt wore a hat. 219 00:14:04,450 --> 00:14:06,609 Speaker 1: I wore a hat. and we copped some dope, and 220 00:14:06,630 --> 00:14:09,190 Speaker 1: then we got high and went to SNL. After that, 221 00:14:09,250 --> 00:14:12,489 Speaker 1: I did heroin for a couple of months. The only 222 00:14:12,550 --> 00:14:15,270 Speaker 1: problem with the quote was that a few paragraphs earlier 223 00:14:15,309 --> 00:14:18,010 Speaker 1: in the article, Courtney explained that she had been pregnant 224 00:14:18,050 --> 00:14:21,200 Speaker 1: when Kurt proposed, and when they were married in Hawaii, 225 00:14:21,410 --> 00:14:24,400 Speaker 1: and that that happened before the SNL gig, and thus 226 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:28,060 Speaker 1: before the months-long heroin binge she bragged about, and thus 227 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:33,260 Speaker 1: she was doing heroin while pregnant. When the article hit newsstands, 228 00:14:33,500 --> 00:14:37,130 Speaker 1: holy hell broke. The press revolted. No more fucking around. 229 00:14:37,350 --> 00:14:40,200 Speaker 1: The safety of a kid was at risk. Articles popped 230 00:14:40,260 --> 00:14:43,680 Speaker 1: up everywhere condemning the rock star couple's behavior. Kurt and 231 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:47,620 Speaker 1: Courtney went into a warlike posture, denied everything, claimed Vanity 232 00:14:47,660 --> 00:14:50,590 Speaker 1: Fair misquoted them, made the story up to sell magazines. 233 00:14:51,570 --> 00:14:54,670 Speaker 1: Vanity Fair stood by their writer, Lynn Hirshberg. The couple 234 00:14:54,710 --> 00:14:57,750 Speaker 1: threatened to sue and drew into themselves, became super guarded 235 00:14:57,810 --> 00:15:00,970 Speaker 1: and distrustful of all media. They phoned in violent threats 236 00:15:01,030 --> 00:15:04,510 Speaker 1: to writers of follow-up pieces they believed perpetuated Vanity Fair's 237 00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:09,090 Speaker 1: so-called lies. The story became unavoidable and Courtney Love became 238 00:15:09,130 --> 00:15:12,330 Speaker 1: a household name before her major label album was even released. 239 00:15:13,310 --> 00:15:17,300 Speaker 1: Los Angeles Children's Services opened an investigation and removed Kurt 240 00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:20,800 Speaker 1: and Courtney's newborn baby, Francis Bean, from their custody after 241 00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:24,820 Speaker 1: she was born, fearing for her safety. Courtney's sister was 242 00:15:24,860 --> 00:15:27,740 Speaker 1: given temporary custody and the couple was unable to visit 243 00:15:27,780 --> 00:15:32,020 Speaker 1: with their newborn baby alone. After several months of drug tests, 244 00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:35,020 Speaker 1: Kurt and Courtney regained custody, but not before the whole 245 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:38,080 Speaker 1: episode took its toll on Kurt, who, his whole life, 246 00:15:38,420 --> 00:15:41,479 Speaker 1: longed for a family, a sense of home. And here 247 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:43,780 Speaker 1: it was, at long last, only to be broken up 248 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:47,859 Speaker 1: by someone else's hand. The pain was familiar, as was 249 00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:52,260 Speaker 1: the shame, and Kurt would never recover from it. We'll 250 00:15:52,280 --> 00:16:00,610 Speaker 1: be right back after this word, word, word. Kurt and 251 00:16:00,670 --> 00:16:04,780 Speaker 1: Courtney marveled at the sonogram. There she was. Her fingers 252 00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:07,700 Speaker 1: and toes were all there. And Kurt swore that their 253 00:16:07,740 --> 00:16:10,420 Speaker 1: child had just flashed the devil horn rock salute as 254 00:16:10,460 --> 00:16:15,350 Speaker 1: she floated suspended in utero. Thank fucking God. Everything was 255 00:16:15,380 --> 00:16:19,090 Speaker 1: going to be okay. At home, it was a different story. 256 00:16:19,670 --> 00:16:22,490 Speaker 1: Throughout her pregnancy, Courtney did her best to stay clean, 257 00:16:22,530 --> 00:16:25,590 Speaker 1: but it was a struggle. Especially because Kurt was using 258 00:16:25,650 --> 00:16:29,210 Speaker 1: heroin and high every day. He looked like shit. His 259 00:16:29,290 --> 00:16:32,010 Speaker 1: face was pale and marked with scabs that he absently 260 00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:36,700 Speaker 1: picked at with dirty fingernails. His pupils were pinpoints. At 261 00:16:36,740 --> 00:16:38,560 Speaker 1: least he had the decency to shoot up out of 262 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:41,940 Speaker 1: her sight so she wouldn't be tempted. Courtney was determined 263 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,140 Speaker 1: to stay healthy, to prove the press wrong, and to 264 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,540 Speaker 1: give birth to a healthy baby, and that meant she 265 00:16:46,580 --> 00:16:50,600 Speaker 1: needed to avoid Kurt as much as possible. When Courtney 266 00:16:50,620 --> 00:16:54,740 Speaker 1: went into labor on August 18, 1992, Kurt was already 267 00:16:54,780 --> 00:16:58,420 Speaker 1: at L.A. 's Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. He'd checked himself in 268 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:01,100 Speaker 1: earlier that month to detox off smack for the birth 269 00:17:01,140 --> 00:17:05,199 Speaker 1: of his child. You know, like most first-time dads. The 270 00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:08,700 Speaker 1: gurney was rickety, uncomfortable, as was the hospital gown, cheap 271 00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:12,570 Speaker 1: and coarse on Courtney's skin. She wailed, her insides twisted. 272 00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:16,090 Speaker 1: Where the fuck was Kurt? Courtney bounced off the gurney 273 00:17:16,109 --> 00:17:18,730 Speaker 1: in her paper slippers and began waddling throughout the hospital 274 00:17:18,770 --> 00:17:21,350 Speaker 1: in search of her junkie husband. If she could go 275 00:17:21,369 --> 00:17:23,429 Speaker 1: through the pain of labor, his skinny ass could go 276 00:17:23,450 --> 00:17:25,930 Speaker 1: through the pain of heroin withdrawals to witness the birth 277 00:17:25,950 --> 00:17:29,459 Speaker 1: of their first child. Courtney later said of the ordeal, 278 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,660 Speaker 1: I'm having the baby, it's coming, and Kurt's puking, he's 279 00:17:32,740 --> 00:17:35,420 Speaker 1: passing out, and I'm holding his hand and rubbing his 280 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:38,879 Speaker 1: stomach while the baby's coming out of me. After the 281 00:17:38,940 --> 00:17:41,179 Speaker 1: ordeal was over, Courtney could laugh about it, but in 282 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:44,980 Speaker 1: the moment, she needed him and he wasn't there. In body, maybe, yes, 283 00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:50,930 Speaker 1: but not much else. This level of commitment for Kurt 284 00:17:50,950 --> 00:17:53,570 Speaker 1: would continue as the couple set about raising their daughter, 285 00:17:53,670 --> 00:17:58,300 Speaker 1: Frances Bean Cobain. After finally gaining legal custody, It didn't 286 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:01,280 Speaker 1: take Kurt long to get back into his habit. On 287 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:05,080 Speaker 1: Francis Bean's first birthday, he nodded off, comatose on heroin 288 00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:08,139 Speaker 1: while holding his baby in his lap. Courtney tried to 289 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:10,540 Speaker 1: get him to wake up and engage to celebrate, but 290 00:18:10,580 --> 00:18:13,600 Speaker 1: he couldn't. He was tired, he reasoned, as if his 291 00:18:13,700 --> 00:18:15,700 Speaker 1: wife left to do the heavy lifting of rearing an 292 00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:19,960 Speaker 1: infant wasn't. But of course, Courtney was exhausted and frankly 293 00:18:20,020 --> 00:18:23,180 Speaker 1: tired of her husband's bullshit. She took a good long 294 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,760 Speaker 1: look at Kurt, thought for a second of their future, 295 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,660 Speaker 1: and then turned her attention back to her daughter. 296 00:18:28,300 --> 00:18:28,859 Speaker 2: Distracted. 297 00:18:29,420 --> 00:18:33,500 Speaker 1: For the moment, anyway. Kurt continued to be distracted as well, 298 00:18:33,540 --> 00:18:36,160 Speaker 1: but not just by heroin. He had a record to make. 299 00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:39,720 Speaker 1: A follow-up to Nevermind. He holed up in the studio 300 00:18:39,740 --> 00:18:43,480 Speaker 1: with legendary punk rock producer Steve Albini. Kurt was stoked. 301 00:18:43,740 --> 00:18:46,710 Speaker 1: With Albini behind the board, the snares would sound like shotguns, 302 00:18:46,770 --> 00:18:49,629 Speaker 1: the solos like shredding power tools, and the screams like 303 00:18:49,650 --> 00:18:53,649 Speaker 1: they were meant to. Raw and honest. Albini liked to 304 00:18:53,710 --> 00:18:56,449 Speaker 1: have fun in the studio. Prank calling rock stars was 305 00:18:56,490 --> 00:19:00,810 Speaker 1: the game. Their target? heartthrob Evan Dando of the Lemonheads, 306 00:19:01,250 --> 00:19:05,130 Speaker 1: who Kurt had a special hatred for. Dando's matinee good 307 00:19:05,170 --> 00:19:08,430 Speaker 1: looks had been plastered over countless magazines, and the dude, 308 00:19:08,550 --> 00:19:11,190 Speaker 1: to Kurt's estimation, seemed to be enjoying it just a 309 00:19:11,310 --> 00:19:14,050 Speaker 1: little too much. It was an affront to his punk 310 00:19:14,090 --> 00:19:20,190 Speaker 1: rock sensibility. Plus, Courtney was into him. Kurt just knew it. Somehow, 311 00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,639 Speaker 1: they got the number to where Dando was staying on tour. 312 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:25,869 Speaker 1: They dialed. Dando answered, They told him they were calling 313 00:19:25,910 --> 00:19:29,410 Speaker 1: from Madonna's publicity office, and that Madonna was very interested 314 00:19:29,450 --> 00:19:31,970 Speaker 1: in speaking with him and meeting up. And I mean, 315 00:19:32,050 --> 00:19:33,919 Speaker 1: come on, why wouldn't Madonna want to meet up with him, 316 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:38,740 Speaker 1: Dando reasoned. It was perfectly plausible. So Dando waited, stewing. 317 00:19:39,460 --> 00:19:42,080 Speaker 1: On the other end, Kurt, Albini, and Dave Grohl suppressed 318 00:19:42,100 --> 00:19:45,449 Speaker 1: their laughter while Dando cooled his jets impatiently, contemplating the 319 00:19:45,490 --> 00:19:47,790 Speaker 1: wild sexual future he was about to have with his 320 00:19:47,850 --> 00:19:50,600 Speaker 1: teenage fantasy. And the more they made him wait, the 321 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,640 Speaker 1: funnier it got. And the more they tried to hold 322 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,520 Speaker 1: their laughs, the more their guts felt like they were 323 00:19:54,540 --> 00:19:57,040 Speaker 1: going to split. Dando was losing it on the other 324 00:19:57,100 --> 00:19:58,420 Speaker 1: end by now. Where is she? 325 00:19:58,880 --> 00:19:59,639 Speaker 3: Hurry up, man! 326 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,159 Speaker 1: I'm going to start beating off! Albini told them they 327 00:20:02,180 --> 00:20:03,510 Speaker 1: were going to have to call him back and hung 328 00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:06,790 Speaker 1: up before giving up the joke. And they all laughed uncontrolled. 329 00:20:08,890 --> 00:20:11,210 Speaker 1: But the laughs for Kurt were seldom during the time 330 00:20:11,250 --> 00:20:14,310 Speaker 1: of in utero. And Evan Dando wasn't the only alterner 331 00:20:14,350 --> 00:20:17,570 Speaker 1: frontman that Kurt felt threatened by. There were rumors Courtney 332 00:20:17,590 --> 00:20:19,430 Speaker 1: was unfaithful to him while he was on the road. 333 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:23,419 Speaker 1: Kurt could sense what was really going on. Despite whatever 334 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:26,379 Speaker 1: jealousy roiled through him or what Courtney did or didn't 335 00:20:26,460 --> 00:20:29,340 Speaker 1: hold over his head, Kurt could feel that the drugs 336 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:31,879 Speaker 1: and the distance of being a touring musician were pulling 337 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:34,300 Speaker 1: him apart from his wife, despite the love that was 338 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:37,879 Speaker 1: at their core. It was all bullshit. Courtney never cheated 339 00:20:37,980 --> 00:20:41,240 Speaker 1: on him. She's quoted as saying, I almost cheated on 340 00:20:41,270 --> 00:20:43,590 Speaker 1: him one time. I almost did one time and he 341 00:20:43,690 --> 00:20:45,649 Speaker 1: knew it. I have no idea how he knew it. 342 00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,609 Speaker 1: The plan didn't ever go anywhere. Nothing happened. But the 343 00:20:48,650 --> 00:20:51,730 Speaker 1: response to it was he took 67 Rufinols and ended 344 00:20:51,770 --> 00:20:54,080 Speaker 1: up in a coma because I thought about cheating on him. 345 00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:58,379 Speaker 1: I mean, fuck. Somehow, while on tour in Germany in 346 00:20:58,420 --> 00:21:01,580 Speaker 1: support of In Utero, it all became too much for Kurt. 347 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,750 Speaker 1: He was reeling from the rumored infidelity and at loose 348 00:21:04,869 --> 00:21:08,380 Speaker 1: ends from being away from home. With two shows left 349 00:21:08,420 --> 00:21:11,060 Speaker 1: for the tour, Kurt up and quit, canceled the final 350 00:21:11,119 --> 00:21:14,040 Speaker 1: concerts after ending his last set with a scorching version 351 00:21:14,060 --> 00:21:17,639 Speaker 1: of Heart-Shaped Box. After the show, he called his lawyer 352 00:21:17,660 --> 00:21:20,930 Speaker 1: to say he wanted to divorce Courtney. Confused and hurt, 353 00:21:21,230 --> 00:21:23,450 Speaker 1: he jumped on a plane to meet Courtney and Francis 354 00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:25,970 Speaker 1: in Rome. The plan was to give it another shot, 355 00:21:26,350 --> 00:21:30,370 Speaker 1: try to save his family, save his home. Kurt sat 356 00:21:30,390 --> 00:21:34,290 Speaker 1: on the plane in silence, shell-shocked, stoned. He had booted 357 00:21:34,330 --> 00:21:37,179 Speaker 1: himself up with heroin before arriving at the airport. He'd 358 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,550 Speaker 1: be high enough to stave off the itch during the flight. 359 00:21:40,290 --> 00:21:42,510 Speaker 1: But fighting off the gnawing feeling in his gut, the 360 00:21:42,550 --> 00:21:45,370 Speaker 1: feeling that he was losing his wife, his family, well, 361 00:21:45,550 --> 00:21:48,410 Speaker 1: that was another story entirely. It was all Kurt could 362 00:21:48,430 --> 00:21:51,869 Speaker 1: think of. Courtney with some other dude. The thought of 363 00:21:51,910 --> 00:21:55,090 Speaker 1: it sickened him, literally. He felt the nausea coming up 364 00:21:55,210 --> 00:21:57,470 Speaker 1: on him from his seat in first class, but somehow 365 00:21:57,609 --> 00:22:01,360 Speaker 1: managed to keep it down. Stupidly, Kurt hadn't brought anything 366 00:22:01,390 --> 00:22:04,860 Speaker 1: to occupy himself with for the flight. No book, no magazine. 367 00:22:05,430 --> 00:22:07,310 Speaker 1: just a head full of jealousy and a heart full 368 00:22:07,330 --> 00:22:10,949 Speaker 1: of shame. He sat quietly. To pass the time, he 369 00:22:10,970 --> 00:22:13,109 Speaker 1: did his best to recount the lyrics to Black Flags, 370 00:22:13,170 --> 00:22:16,359 Speaker 1: My War, but instead somehow kept finding his way to 371 00:22:16,380 --> 00:22:21,200 Speaker 1: the lyrics for Black Flags, Jealous Again. It was torture. Finally, 372 00:22:21,220 --> 00:22:34,040 Speaker 1: the plane landed. Kurt arrived at the Excelsior Hotel Rome early. 373 00:22:34,750 --> 00:22:39,090 Speaker 1: He went full romance, roses, chocolate, champagne, candles. He'd win 374 00:22:39,109 --> 00:22:42,110 Speaker 1: her back. He loved her, and she loved him, despite 375 00:22:42,150 --> 00:22:45,600 Speaker 1: whatever bullshit she'd been up to. And besides, it's not 376 00:22:45,630 --> 00:22:47,760 Speaker 1: like he'd been a model husband and father, and at 377 00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:50,020 Speaker 1: the end of the day, they both loved Frances Bean. 378 00:22:50,500 --> 00:22:52,500 Speaker 1: They were a family. They made a home, and it 379 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:56,600 Speaker 1: was worth saving. When Courtney and the baby arrived, things 380 00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:59,760 Speaker 1: didn't go as Kurt planned. After she put the baby 381 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:02,110 Speaker 1: to bed and the couple finished their room service dinner, 382 00:23:02,510 --> 00:23:06,969 Speaker 1: An exhausted Courtney rolled over and promptly passed out. The teary, 383 00:23:07,030 --> 00:23:10,949 Speaker 1: joyful reunion that Kurt had envisioned wasn't happening. Didn't she 384 00:23:11,010 --> 00:23:13,670 Speaker 1: love him? Didn't she want to be with him? What 385 00:23:13,710 --> 00:23:17,530 Speaker 1: was wrong with her? Something was off. Kurt decided she 386 00:23:17,590 --> 00:23:21,369 Speaker 1: smelled different. He could smell something different about her. Someone 387 00:23:21,450 --> 00:23:23,330 Speaker 1: else's smell on her. He was sure of it, and 388 00:23:23,369 --> 00:23:26,490 Speaker 1: it wouldn't go away. Kurt drifted in and out of sleep, 389 00:23:26,540 --> 00:23:29,620 Speaker 1: and each time he woke, that foreign smell was right there, 390 00:23:30,140 --> 00:23:33,240 Speaker 1: plain as day, fucking with him. daring him to face 391 00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:36,500 Speaker 1: the obvious. The deep, dark, dirty mirror. The one that 392 00:23:36,540 --> 00:23:39,030 Speaker 1: would reflect the truth. The truth that his home had 393 00:23:39,070 --> 00:23:42,830 Speaker 1: been busted up. It was all over. With the hotel 394 00:23:42,890 --> 00:23:45,730 Speaker 1: room dark and quiet and his wife and baby sound asleep, 395 00:23:46,310 --> 00:23:50,389 Speaker 1: Kurt Cobain wrote a letter. My doctor says that, like Hamlet, 396 00:23:50,630 --> 00:23:53,280 Speaker 1: I need to choose life or death. He put the 397 00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:56,300 Speaker 1: pen down and shook 60 Rufinols out of an amber bottle. 398 00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:58,820 Speaker 1: He stuffed them into his mouth and downed them with 399 00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:01,300 Speaker 1: the last of the champagne. He then picked up the 400 00:24:01,359 --> 00:24:23,909 Speaker 1: pen and wrote, I'm choosing death. The press reported the 401 00:24:23,950 --> 00:24:27,830 Speaker 1: Rome incident as an accidental overdose. But for Courtney, the 402 00:24:27,869 --> 00:24:33,060 Speaker 1: truth was unavoidable and scary as fuck. Kurt Cobain, hated himself, 403 00:24:33,460 --> 00:24:37,419 Speaker 1: and wanted to die. Kurt and Courtney returned to the States. 404 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:41,120 Speaker 1: An intervention was arranged for Kurt, and it didn't take. 405 00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:45,230 Speaker 1: Rehab was next. Kurt flew in from Seattle and checked 406 00:24:45,250 --> 00:24:48,869 Speaker 1: into LA's Exodus Center. But first, he hit up Stan 407 00:24:48,890 --> 00:24:51,869 Speaker 1: Baker Sports on Lake City Way and purchased a 20-gauge 408 00:24:51,910 --> 00:24:57,250 Speaker 1: shotgun and a round of shells. Rehab lasted 72 hours. 409 00:24:57,650 --> 00:25:00,070 Speaker 1: Kurt called and purchased a plane ticket back to Seattle, 410 00:25:00,270 --> 00:25:04,590 Speaker 1: jumped the wall, bailed. The flight was crowded. Kurt was 411 00:25:04,650 --> 00:25:05,929 Speaker 1: late to board for his class. 412 00:25:06,790 --> 00:25:09,129 Speaker 3: Shit, is that? It was. 413 00:25:09,910 --> 00:25:12,710 Speaker 1: Kurt was seated next to another junkie rock star from Seattle. 414 00:25:13,230 --> 00:25:15,730 Speaker 1: And despite what he would have preferred, there was nothing 415 00:25:15,750 --> 00:25:19,169 Speaker 1: he could do about it. So Kurt Cobain, junkie singer 416 00:25:19,210 --> 00:25:20,970 Speaker 1: of the biggest band in the world at the time, 417 00:25:21,410 --> 00:25:24,619 Speaker 1: took a seat next to Seattle native Duff McKagan, junkie 418 00:25:24,660 --> 00:25:26,820 Speaker 1: bass player for the second biggest band in the world 419 00:25:26,859 --> 00:25:32,700 Speaker 1: at the time, Guns N' Roses. Duff was friendly and cool, 420 00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:35,700 Speaker 1: as was his nature, two traits that separated him from 421 00:25:35,740 --> 00:25:38,090 Speaker 1: the singer in his band, Axl Rose, who Kurt and 422 00:25:38,150 --> 00:25:40,810 Speaker 1: Courtney hated with the power of a thousand burning suns. 423 00:25:41,470 --> 00:25:44,109 Speaker 1: Duff didn't care. He saw in Kurt a kindred spirit. 424 00:25:44,790 --> 00:25:48,230 Speaker 1: They ordered drinks and the conversation was easy. Duff made 425 00:25:48,290 --> 00:25:51,330 Speaker 1: small talk about the tour GNR had just completed and 426 00:25:51,390 --> 00:25:54,899 Speaker 1: Kurt was open about escaping rehab. Heroin didn't come up, 427 00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:58,080 Speaker 1: but it was on both of their minds. Duff knew 428 00:25:58,140 --> 00:26:02,020 Speaker 1: Kurt was down, seated next to him. his depression was palpable. 429 00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:05,619 Speaker 1: Upon landing, Duff decided to invite Kurt to come hang, 430 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:08,240 Speaker 1: maybe lift his spirits. But by the time he got 431 00:26:08,260 --> 00:26:10,840 Speaker 1: around to asking, Kurt was in his limo and off 432 00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:15,960 Speaker 1: in search of oblivion. He headed to the heart of 433 00:26:15,980 --> 00:26:20,129 Speaker 1: the city's junkie thoroughfare, Aurora Avenue. The Marco Polo on 434 00:26:20,170 --> 00:26:22,930 Speaker 1: Aurora was an $ 18 a night motel room in a 435 00:26:22,990 --> 00:26:25,869 Speaker 1: home away from home for Kurt, despite the fact that 436 00:26:25,910 --> 00:26:28,530 Speaker 1: he had just purchased a million-dollar mansion off of Lake 437 00:26:28,570 --> 00:26:32,350 Speaker 1: Washington in one of Seattle's more expensive neighborhoods, right next 438 00:26:32,369 --> 00:26:36,570 Speaker 1: to Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz. Kurt couldn't hang in the house, 439 00:26:36,710 --> 00:26:39,710 Speaker 1: especially not without Courtney and Francis, who were back in L.A. 440 00:26:40,540 --> 00:26:43,300 Speaker 1: The house was too big, too ostentatious, too much of 441 00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:47,860 Speaker 1: what Axl Rose would have preferred. Not punk enough. So 442 00:26:47,859 --> 00:26:51,260 Speaker 1: $ 2. 26 at the Marco Polo suited him just fine. Plus, 443 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:54,880 Speaker 1: scoring dope down on Aurora was a cinch. So that's 444 00:26:54,900 --> 00:26:56,790 Speaker 1: what Kurt did. He got high, and then he got 445 00:26:56,830 --> 00:26:59,020 Speaker 1: high some more. And eventually he made his way back 446 00:26:59,100 --> 00:27:01,560 Speaker 1: home and then wandered back out downtown to make a 447 00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:05,520 Speaker 1: half-assed attempt at socializing, connecting, but ultimately just to score 448 00:27:05,540 --> 00:27:10,680 Speaker 1: more dope. Back in L.A., Courtney was furious, frightened. Kurt 449 00:27:10,740 --> 00:27:13,210 Speaker 1: had escaped rehab on the heels of a suicide attempt 450 00:27:13,270 --> 00:27:16,550 Speaker 1: in Rome and was now unaccountable for somewhere in Seattle 451 00:27:16,590 --> 00:27:18,770 Speaker 1: and up to what she did not know but feared 452 00:27:18,810 --> 00:27:22,710 Speaker 1: the worst. Courtney hired a private detective to locate her husband. 453 00:27:23,630 --> 00:27:26,409 Speaker 1: Kurt was wandering through the city in a haze. He 454 00:27:26,450 --> 00:27:29,689 Speaker 1: hit Linda's Tavern down on East Pine, a familiar dive 455 00:27:29,710 --> 00:27:31,710 Speaker 1: where he knew he'd be recognized, but at least treated 456 00:27:31,730 --> 00:27:34,230 Speaker 1: with the appropriate amount of deference, and who knows, maybe 457 00:27:34,270 --> 00:27:36,710 Speaker 1: he'd even talk to some people and actually enjoy himself. 458 00:27:37,490 --> 00:27:40,710 Speaker 1: He didn't. He wandered in and then out, and then 459 00:27:40,830 --> 00:27:42,950 Speaker 1: into a cab and back to his mansion in search 460 00:27:42,990 --> 00:27:45,130 Speaker 1: of the shotgun and the shells he'd purchased a few 461 00:27:45,170 --> 00:27:51,129 Speaker 1: days earlier. The first song Kurt Cobain ever recorded is 462 00:27:51,190 --> 00:27:55,660 Speaker 1: called Suicide Samurai. From his earliest days, he was obsessed 463 00:27:55,700 --> 00:27:59,380 Speaker 1: with suicide. In his journals as a boy, he'd written 464 00:27:59,460 --> 00:28:03,740 Speaker 1: suicide notes to his imaginary friend. In his band's lyrics, 465 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,919 Speaker 1: he teased out the concept over and over again. In 466 00:28:07,060 --> 00:28:13,850 Speaker 1: Utero was rife with not-so-subtle hints. The concept of death 467 00:28:13,890 --> 00:28:15,990 Speaker 1: by his own hand was a constant, and it was 468 00:28:16,050 --> 00:28:19,290 Speaker 1: very much on his mind on April 5th, 1994, as 469 00:28:19,310 --> 00:28:21,209 Speaker 1: he made his way from the main house on his 470 00:28:21,250 --> 00:28:24,570 Speaker 1: grounds to the living quarters of the garage adjacent Shotgun 471 00:28:24,630 --> 00:28:27,450 Speaker 1: in one hand, box of shells in the other. Suicide. 472 00:28:27,869 --> 00:28:31,590 Speaker 1: All he could think of. The pain was too much. 473 00:28:31,970 --> 00:28:35,070 Speaker 1: The heroin addiction was destroying him. He knew it. It 474 00:28:35,109 --> 00:28:37,230 Speaker 1: was eating away at him and pushing his wife and 475 00:28:37,290 --> 00:28:40,570 Speaker 1: child away. He wanted to quit, but it was impossible. 476 00:28:41,030 --> 00:28:42,070 Speaker 1: Quit and do what? 477 00:28:42,670 --> 00:28:43,150 Speaker 3: Be normal? 478 00:28:43,670 --> 00:28:46,890 Speaker 1: What was normal anyway? Besides, if he quit, it's not 479 00:28:46,940 --> 00:28:50,120 Speaker 1: like anything would change. He'd still be depressed. He'd still 480 00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:54,800 Speaker 1: be famous. He'd still find a little joy in making music. Music. 481 00:28:55,260 --> 00:28:57,780 Speaker 1: It used to be everything. Being in a band, making 482 00:28:57,840 --> 00:29:00,040 Speaker 1: records kids like him wanted to listen to. That was 483 00:29:00,140 --> 00:29:02,860 Speaker 1: literally all there was. He set out to do it, 484 00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:05,070 Speaker 1: and he did it. But when it finally happened for him, 485 00:29:05,140 --> 00:29:09,190 Speaker 1: success and fame, it was hollow, just like him. He 486 00:29:09,230 --> 00:29:11,170 Speaker 1: thought he'd build a home for himself, and he did, 487 00:29:11,210 --> 00:29:13,270 Speaker 1: but it was coming apart in adulthood, just like it 488 00:29:13,310 --> 00:29:18,080 Speaker 1: had throughout his childhood. Nothing worked. Everything sucked. And there 489 00:29:18,120 --> 00:29:21,000 Speaker 1: was no way of seeing himself out. He was rejected 490 00:29:21,180 --> 00:29:23,710 Speaker 1: from his family. from the joy of making music and 491 00:29:23,750 --> 00:29:28,080 Speaker 1: from the home he'd attempted to make. Kurt found himself 492 00:29:28,140 --> 00:29:30,660 Speaker 1: sitting on the linoleum floor of the living quarters above 493 00:29:30,700 --> 00:29:34,240 Speaker 1: his garage, shotgun at his one side, on the other 494 00:29:34,290 --> 00:29:37,730 Speaker 1: side his works, a needle, a spoon, and $ 100 worth 495 00:29:37,770 --> 00:29:40,830 Speaker 1: of black tar heroin. He took the suicide note he 496 00:29:40,870 --> 00:29:43,610 Speaker 1: penned earlier that morning and placed it away from the 497 00:29:43,650 --> 00:29:46,690 Speaker 1: mess he was about to make. He'd brought towels for that, 498 00:29:46,890 --> 00:29:50,430 Speaker 1: for the blood, for whoever would find him. So punk rock. 499 00:29:51,730 --> 00:29:54,060 Speaker 1: He loaded the shotgun with the shells, and then he 500 00:29:54,100 --> 00:29:56,740 Speaker 1: loaded the needle with the smack. He injected it into 501 00:29:56,800 --> 00:30:00,020 Speaker 1: his arm and felt the familiar tease of oblivion. But 502 00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:03,720 Speaker 1: this time, Kurt would not be denied. Sweet relief was 503 00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:06,820 Speaker 1: in his sights. He put the barrel to the roof 504 00:30:06,860 --> 00:30:16,770 Speaker 1: of his mouth and then... It was over. Suicide is 505 00:30:16,790 --> 00:30:20,410 Speaker 1: something you're never ready for. It's so hyper-foreign to most 506 00:30:20,450 --> 00:30:22,950 Speaker 1: of us who aren't depressed. Who may be troubled or 507 00:30:23,090 --> 00:30:25,780 Speaker 1: unhappy or stressed but still have the fight in us. 508 00:30:26,820 --> 00:30:28,860 Speaker 1: We get up every day and put one foot in 509 00:30:28,900 --> 00:30:32,180 Speaker 1: front of the other. despite how hard things get. It's 510 00:30:32,280 --> 00:30:35,620 Speaker 1: literally our nature to do so. Which is exactly what 511 00:30:35,660 --> 00:30:38,200 Speaker 1: makes it so hard to understand how someone else can 512 00:30:38,260 --> 00:30:44,280 Speaker 1: quote-unquote give up. It's so hard to see coming. After 513 00:30:44,330 --> 00:30:47,230 Speaker 1: Kurt's body was found a couple days later, Courtney flew 514 00:30:47,250 --> 00:30:51,330 Speaker 1: to Seattle. She landed into a media circus. The Cobain 515 00:30:51,370 --> 00:30:54,850 Speaker 1: Love home was surrounded by grieving fans and cable news trucks. 516 00:30:55,770 --> 00:30:58,710 Speaker 1: Among this mayhem, Courtney Love began sorting out her grief 517 00:30:59,180 --> 00:31:02,530 Speaker 1: and in a way fell into a familiar behavior, protecting 518 00:31:02,570 --> 00:31:06,950 Speaker 1: her husband against scarless tabloids and hangers-on. She found the 519 00:31:06,990 --> 00:31:09,550 Speaker 1: inner strength when the pressure and the Klieg lights were 520 00:31:09,590 --> 00:31:13,810 Speaker 1: most powerful and confronted Kurt's devastated fans despite her own 521 00:31:13,950 --> 00:31:17,190 Speaker 1: unsorted grief. She put one foot in front of the other. 522 00:31:18,490 --> 00:31:21,130 Speaker 1: In the vigil that sprung up around their home, Courtney 523 00:31:21,170 --> 00:31:24,760 Speaker 1: visited with Kurt's fans. She recorded and played a taped 524 00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:27,380 Speaker 1: reading of his suicide note because that's what Kurt would 525 00:31:27,420 --> 00:31:30,100 Speaker 1: have wanted. He had, after all, written it for them. 526 00:31:30,860 --> 00:31:34,900 Speaker 1: And she comforted fans personally, walking amongst them, talking to them, 527 00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:38,180 Speaker 1: hugging them, and sharing her own grief. She let them in, 528 00:31:38,290 --> 00:31:41,050 Speaker 1: and they in turn did the same for her. It 529 00:31:41,070 --> 00:31:48,810 Speaker 1: was honest, painful, and punk as fuck. 171 Lake Washington Boulevard, Seattle, Washington, 530 00:31:48,850 --> 00:31:51,230 Speaker 1: was where Kurt Cobain had lived up until a couple 531 00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:54,780 Speaker 1: days earlier. But it wasn't really a home. There was 532 00:31:54,820 --> 00:31:57,990 Speaker 1: no love. His wife was off in LA and so 533 00:31:58,030 --> 00:32:01,170 Speaker 1: was his daughter. There were no relatives coming by to 534 00:32:01,210 --> 00:32:04,390 Speaker 1: check in or pass the time. The best Kurt had 535 00:32:04,430 --> 00:32:06,970 Speaker 1: were a couple grungy hangers-on who were living off of 536 00:32:07,030 --> 00:32:09,170 Speaker 1: his credit card under the guise of taking care of 537 00:32:09,210 --> 00:32:13,480 Speaker 1: the place. It was cold, dark, near empty. It was 538 00:32:13,540 --> 00:32:15,900 Speaker 1: a house, not the home Kurt had longed for his 539 00:32:15,940 --> 00:32:19,500 Speaker 1: whole life. But now, in the wake of his death, 540 00:32:19,900 --> 00:32:22,620 Speaker 1: the house was descended upon by throngs of people who 541 00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:25,570 Speaker 1: loved him, who wanted nothing more than to embrace him. 542 00:32:26,090 --> 00:32:28,460 Speaker 1: and his wife had risen to the occasion and opened 543 00:32:28,500 --> 00:32:31,560 Speaker 1: herself up to the collective hug of her dead husband's fans, 544 00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:34,540 Speaker 1: doing what grieving loved ones have done since the beginning 545 00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:38,080 Speaker 1: of time, benefited from the power of friends, family, and 546 00:32:38,140 --> 00:32:41,370 Speaker 1: home to see them through. It's a powerful kind of 547 00:32:41,430 --> 00:32:44,790 Speaker 1: love that sees the grieved through their darkest moments. It's 548 00:32:44,810 --> 00:32:47,350 Speaker 1: the type of love that gives you resilience, the type 549 00:32:47,390 --> 00:32:50,730 Speaker 1: of love that can sprout wings on your back, the 550 00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:53,520 Speaker 1: type of love that comes from the heart, from the home, 551 00:32:54,220 --> 00:32:56,820 Speaker 1: the type of love that Kurt Cobain would never experience. 552 00:32:57,780 --> 00:32:58,680 Speaker 1: And that's a disgrace. 553 00:33:00,820 --> 00:33:11,830 Speaker 4: I'm Jake Brennan, and this is Disgraceland. 554 00:33:14,270 --> 00:33:17,010 Speaker 1: Disgraceland was created by yours truly and is produced in 555 00:33:17,050 --> 00:33:20,470 Speaker 1: partnership with Double Elvis. Credits for this episode can be 556 00:33:20,510 --> 00:33:24,480 Speaker 1: found on the show notes page at disgracelandpod.com. If you're 557 00:33:24,530 --> 00:33:27,530 Speaker 1: listening as a Disgraceland All Access member, thank you for 558 00:33:27,550 --> 00:33:30,470 Speaker 1: supporting the show. We really appreciate it. And if not, 559 00:33:30,630 --> 00:33:32,700 Speaker 1: you can become a member right now by going to 560 00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:35,620 Speaker 1: disgracelandpod.com slash membership. 561 00:33:36,270 --> 00:33:39,830 Speaker 3: Members can listen to every episode of Disgraceland ad-free. 562 00:33:40,150 --> 00:33:41,870 Speaker 2: Plus, you'll get one brand. 563 00:33:41,570 --> 00:33:46,130 Speaker 3: New exclusive episode every month. Weekly unscripted bonus episodes, special 564 00:33:46,310 --> 00:33:50,520 Speaker 3: audio collections, and early access to merchandise and events. Visit 565 00:33:50,540 --> 00:33:55,240 Speaker 3: DisgracelandPod.com slash membership for details. Rate and review the show 566 00:33:55,280 --> 00:33:59,240 Speaker 3: and follow us on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, and Facebook at DisgracelandPod. 567 00:33:59,600 --> 00:34:03,430 Speaker 3: And on YouTube at YouTube.com slash at DisgracelandPod. 568 00:34:04,450 --> 00:34:08,700 Speaker 1: Rock and roll up. He's a bad, bad man. 569 00:34:08,719 --> 00:34:11,759 Speaker 2: All right, guys. 570 00:34:11,780 --> 00:34:15,000 Speaker 1: Thanks for checking out this special two-part rewind episode of 571 00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:21,750 Speaker 1: Disgraceland on Nirvana. 617-906-6638. Voicemail and text. What do you think? 572 00:34:22,370 --> 00:34:23,810 Speaker 1: How do you think Kurt died? Do you think I 573 00:34:23,830 --> 00:34:25,989 Speaker 1: got it right? Do you think the history books got 574 00:34:26,030 --> 00:34:29,290 Speaker 1: it right? Do you think something nefarious is at play? 575 00:34:29,310 --> 00:34:33,299 Speaker 1: Do you still believe that? 617-906-6638. Voicemail and text at 576 00:34:33,340 --> 00:34:38,230 Speaker 1: DisgracelandPod on the socials. DiscretionPod at gmail.com. Let me know.