1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,720 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. 5 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:26,000 Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 6 00:00:26,079 --> 00:00:29,920 Speaker 2: the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in 7 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,760 Speaker 2: the world, it is so great to have you here. 8 00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:35,760 Speaker 2: Back for another episode as we break down the psychology 9 00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:39,800 Speaker 2: of our twenties. The relationship that we have with our mother, 10 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,960 Speaker 2: both as children and as we become adults, is one 11 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:47,400 Speaker 2: that we don't necessarily speak bad enough, but it undoubtedly 12 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:50,680 Speaker 2: shapes the people that we become, not just in our twenties, 13 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:54,680 Speaker 2: not just in our thirties, but in our forties or 14 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:57,480 Speaker 2: if we decide to have children, How we date, how 15 00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:00,840 Speaker 2: we relate to others, how we relate to ours and 16 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:03,360 Speaker 2: our bodies. I think it is a tailor as old 17 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:06,200 Speaker 2: as time that each of us takes something from our 18 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:09,839 Speaker 2: childhood and from our parents, some of which is good 19 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:13,679 Speaker 2: and some of which is less than good, isn't helpful, 20 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:16,440 Speaker 2: some of which we only really begin to come to 21 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:20,080 Speaker 2: terms with the older we get, whether that is you know, 22 00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:24,760 Speaker 2: our quirks, our insecurities, our coping mechanisms, the ways that 23 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:27,679 Speaker 2: we sell sabotage. I think the more mature we get, 24 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:30,440 Speaker 2: the more separation we get from our parents, the more 25 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:32,520 Speaker 2: we begin to realize that so much about who we 26 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:36,440 Speaker 2: are stems back to how they chose to raise us. 27 00:01:36,959 --> 00:01:40,960 Speaker 2: And when it comes to our parents, the relationship and 28 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,000 Speaker 2: the dynamic that we have with our mother and with 29 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:47,280 Speaker 2: our father differs greatly, and so it's going to create 30 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:52,080 Speaker 2: its own unique pattern of so called wounds. And that 31 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:55,600 Speaker 2: is exactly what we are going to be talking about today. 32 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:59,440 Speaker 2: We're going to examine the psychology of mother wounds and 33 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:04,360 Speaker 2: how our unique relationship with this caregiver, this person who 34 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:09,760 Speaker 2: raised us, who shaped us, can actually cause some damage 35 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:13,360 Speaker 2: and some hidden elements of who we are that we 36 00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:17,720 Speaker 2: might not necessarily like. Even if you think this topic 37 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:20,080 Speaker 2: doesn't apply to you, or you think that the idea 38 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:22,760 Speaker 2: of a wound is a bit dramatic, I'm just going 39 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:25,120 Speaker 2: to tell you there is something each of us is 40 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:27,280 Speaker 2: going to be able to relate to in this discussion, 41 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:30,720 Speaker 2: even if you don't think it now, Because the bond 42 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:34,520 Speaker 2: that we have with our mothers is so primal and 43 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:38,880 Speaker 2: so strong and so important that it leaves a mark 44 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,519 Speaker 2: on each of us, a mark that we eventually come 45 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:45,200 Speaker 2: to terms with. It's not that our mothers are to 46 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:47,720 Speaker 2: blame for everything that is wrong with our lives. It's 47 00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:50,480 Speaker 2: not that every problem stems back to them, just that 48 00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:53,080 Speaker 2: when we explore this dynamic a little bit more, we 49 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:57,520 Speaker 2: begin to, I think, make visible some things about ourselves 50 00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:02,000 Speaker 2: that are normally hidden. And that is exactly what we're 51 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:04,480 Speaker 2: going to do today. We are going to discuss the 52 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:08,280 Speaker 2: origins of mother wounds, how they differ from our father 53 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,560 Speaker 2: wounds in two critical ways. Five of the most common 54 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:14,639 Speaker 2: types of wounds or inherited patterns of behavior that you 55 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,960 Speaker 2: might recognize yourself in, and how to kind of break 56 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:21,960 Speaker 2: the generational cycle, how to heal, what to do, what 57 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:25,359 Speaker 2: to read, what to investigate, what to explore about yourself. 58 00:03:25,919 --> 00:03:28,240 Speaker 2: There is so much to talk about when it comes 59 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:33,399 Speaker 2: to our mother dynamic and our quote unquote mummy issues. 60 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:41,880 Speaker 2: So without further ado, let's get into it. The mother 61 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:46,520 Speaker 2: child relationship is a profoundly important one. It is almost 62 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:50,760 Speaker 2: spiritual in a sense. It's our first example of love. 63 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:55,080 Speaker 2: It is the first time we experience safety and protection 64 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:59,280 Speaker 2: and self esteem. There is this beautiful quote that says 65 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:02,960 Speaker 2: our mother's our first homes, we are always trying to 66 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:06,360 Speaker 2: return to them. But I think that doesn't mean that 67 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:10,880 Speaker 2: there is unprocessed trauma in that relationship that isn't passed 68 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:14,640 Speaker 2: down without our knowledge that there isn't things that every 69 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:18,440 Speaker 2: parent I think does the wrong that influence our relationship 70 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:22,120 Speaker 2: with ourselves as well as those around us on a 71 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:27,960 Speaker 2: very physical, social, mental, and emotional level. I think we 72 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:31,120 Speaker 2: all know that how we were raised impacts our adult 73 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:34,960 Speaker 2: personality and our self expression, from very core concepts like 74 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:39,200 Speaker 2: attachment style, to our interpersonal skills, our personality, our way 75 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:42,520 Speaker 2: of relating to others, our values. There is a whole 76 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:46,280 Speaker 2: library and litany of ways in which our childhood environment 77 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:49,839 Speaker 2: ends up replicating itself in our adult behaviors. But it 78 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:53,719 Speaker 2: kind of begins so much earlier than our memories can recall. 79 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,960 Speaker 2: It begins all the way back in the womb. There 80 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:59,680 Speaker 2: have been more and more studies revealing to us that 81 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:04,119 Speaker 2: our behavior is being formed before we even open our eyes, 82 00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:08,000 Speaker 2: before we are even sentient beings, and it's being formed 83 00:05:08,279 --> 00:05:11,400 Speaker 2: by our mother's experiences and our mother's stress and our 84 00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:16,760 Speaker 2: mother's memories. So this is a phenomena known as fetal programming, 85 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:22,200 Speaker 2: whereby our mother's emotional state can actually impact how our 86 00:05:22,279 --> 00:05:26,160 Speaker 2: brains develop when we are still in the womb. And 87 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,279 Speaker 2: I think a lot of these studies go to show 88 00:05:28,279 --> 00:05:32,400 Speaker 2: how deeply linked we are to this person, to our mother, 89 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:35,960 Speaker 2: the person who birthed us, who grew us for nine months, 90 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:40,799 Speaker 2: on quite a biological level, what she experiences is passed 91 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:44,479 Speaker 2: through to us. And this is also supported by evidence 92 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:50,760 Speaker 2: that traumatic experiences, even generations before, can be passed down epigenetically, 93 00:05:51,279 --> 00:05:55,560 Speaker 2: meaning that our mother, our grandmother, her mother, they leave 94 00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:59,080 Speaker 2: an almost chemical mark on our genes and how they 95 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:03,960 Speaker 2: are expressed that lasts generations. So the way that they 96 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,400 Speaker 2: discovered this was through a few different avenues or through 97 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:10,840 Speaker 2: different means a few different situations. So firstly, way back 98 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:14,320 Speaker 2: in the eighteen hundreds, after the US Civil War, researchers 99 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:18,440 Speaker 2: began to notice worse life outcomes for the offsprings of 100 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:23,000 Speaker 2: prisoners of war during that situation and the children of 101 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:25,880 Speaker 2: these offspring in ways that didn't really line up with 102 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:29,040 Speaker 2: what we thought about reproduction, which is that when children 103 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:32,080 Speaker 2: are born, they are a blank slate. It wasn't just 104 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:37,200 Speaker 2: about the kind of economic conditions that these war veterans 105 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:40,400 Speaker 2: found themselves in. It wasn't just around what these children 106 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:44,080 Speaker 2: were being taught. It seemed that on a very genetic, 107 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:50,159 Speaker 2: basic biological level, these children were inheriting certain stress responses, 108 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:57,279 Speaker 2: certain fears, certain behavioral problems that stemmed back to their parents' experiences. Again, 109 00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:01,479 Speaker 2: after World War Two and the Holocaust, researchers in twenty 110 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:05,480 Speaker 2: fifteen found that children and grandchildren of those who had 111 00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:11,440 Speaker 2: survived this horrific experience had epigenetic changes that increased how 112 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:15,640 Speaker 2: they responded to fear and how they coped with stress, 113 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:21,120 Speaker 2: and their predisposition to certain mental illnesses. And this was 114 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:24,200 Speaker 2: a human study, but it replicated an animal study that 115 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:27,440 Speaker 2: was conducted probably like three years before that that was 116 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:30,119 Speaker 2: kind of going on at the same time. That found 117 00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:33,840 Speaker 2: that essentially, when we had rats in this environment where 118 00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:36,960 Speaker 2: they were conditioned to associate the smell of something in 119 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:43,000 Speaker 2: particular like cherry blossom with pain, even generations later, their 120 00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:48,920 Speaker 2: offspring was still reacting negatively and disproportionately to that smell, 121 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,120 Speaker 2: even though these the children of these mice had never 122 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:56,200 Speaker 2: experienced the pain themselves, Even when they were separated from 123 00:07:56,400 --> 00:08:00,200 Speaker 2: their like mice parents, there was something going on in 124 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:04,760 Speaker 2: our DNA that was adapting to the environment of our 125 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:07,920 Speaker 2: mother and the environment of our father. It kind of 126 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,880 Speaker 2: reminds me of this quote that trauma is an echo 127 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:14,760 Speaker 2: that only our descendants can hear. That is pretty profound, 128 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:19,120 Speaker 2: and it seems that science confirms it. Our mother's experiences, 129 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:23,560 Speaker 2: even before we arrive, are going to impact us greatly 130 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:28,600 Speaker 2: through our development and therefore our reality after we're born, 131 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:32,640 Speaker 2: And those experiences won't just impact us genetically or on 132 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:36,640 Speaker 2: a DNA developmental level, but also in terms of how 133 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:40,280 Speaker 2: she chooses to parent us, what she impresses on us, 134 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:45,040 Speaker 2: her perception of our relationship, her insecurities, her fears about 135 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:47,920 Speaker 2: the world, and where we as her child sit within 136 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,680 Speaker 2: that space. That is perhaps the biggest distinction between the 137 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:55,080 Speaker 2: importance of mother wounds and father wounds. There is this 138 00:08:55,559 --> 00:09:00,319 Speaker 2: additional layer of connection between us and our mother, this 139 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:04,360 Speaker 2: kind of flesh and blood bond. And it's not to 140 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,440 Speaker 2: say that that means we're always going to be closer 141 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:08,480 Speaker 2: with our moms and that they're always going to be 142 00:09:08,559 --> 00:09:12,040 Speaker 2: our favorite parent. Our fathers have like no role, no 143 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:15,480 Speaker 2: responsibility at all. It all comes back to mom, absolutely not. 144 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:18,600 Speaker 2: It's just that it's different. If you want to hear 145 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:21,840 Speaker 2: more about the impact of father wounds, we did do 146 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,120 Speaker 2: like a whole episode on that a few months back. 147 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:26,760 Speaker 2: Episode I think it's one hundred and eighty one. The 148 00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:30,760 Speaker 2: psychology of father wunds that is equally important. But something 149 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:34,120 Speaker 2: I say in that episode that I think is important 150 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:38,120 Speaker 2: in this context as well, and in distinguishing where your 151 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,360 Speaker 2: you know, childhood wounds are coming from, is that each 152 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,200 Speaker 2: of us kind of has this voice in our head, 153 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,120 Speaker 2: right It's the same voice that criticizes us, the same 154 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:49,200 Speaker 2: voice that judges us, that scolds us, and it's going 155 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,400 Speaker 2: to sound more like your mother or more like your father. 156 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:53,680 Speaker 2: And I think that is a really great way to 157 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:59,440 Speaker 2: identify where your parental wounds are stemming from, and not 158 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:03,320 Speaker 2: who was real responsible, but who they're really in connection with. 159 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:07,120 Speaker 2: The other distinction is that father wounds are typically more 160 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:12,920 Speaker 2: grounded in problems with authority and independence and approval, whereas 161 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:18,320 Speaker 2: mother wounds are just naturally more emotive and concern self esteem, 162 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:23,000 Speaker 2: self worth, boundary issues, codependency, a fear of rejection, even 163 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:26,560 Speaker 2: excessive people pleasing. We learn a lot from our mothers, 164 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:29,800 Speaker 2: perhaps the majority from our mothers, about how to relate 165 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:34,160 Speaker 2: to others on an emotional level. As stereotyped as that 166 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:36,760 Speaker 2: may be, it is just the case that normally our 167 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:40,079 Speaker 2: mothers are conditioned to take on that role as emotional 168 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:43,600 Speaker 2: provider and teacher because that's what they learn from their mothers. 169 00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:47,960 Speaker 2: It's a whole generational, historical, traditional thing, and for women 170 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:52,040 Speaker 2: in particular, our mothers also teach us how to operate 171 00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:56,480 Speaker 2: in a patriarchal society. That is the second big factor 172 00:10:56,520 --> 00:11:01,800 Speaker 2: that distinguishes mother wounds and father wounds zones involve understanding 173 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:07,400 Speaker 2: that mothers and daughters especially are situated in and influenced 174 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:11,160 Speaker 2: by a patriarchal society that is oppressive to women. The 175 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:14,400 Speaker 2: mother wound is normally a cultural trauma that is carried 176 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:19,000 Speaker 2: by our mother along with the dysfunctional coping mechanisms that 177 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:22,160 Speaker 2: she has used to process the pain and adapt to 178 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:24,760 Speaker 2: the environment in which she was raised. In that she 179 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:28,880 Speaker 2: wants us to be capable of surviving as well, and 180 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:32,800 Speaker 2: so we inherit her way of managing some of the 181 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:37,440 Speaker 2: burdens at society unduly places on women. So I think 182 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:40,760 Speaker 2: that we can see this patriarchal influence in some of 183 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,960 Speaker 2: the most common and prevalent types of mother wounds, such 184 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:48,960 Speaker 2: as poor body confidence and self esteem, jealousy, competition with 185 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:55,439 Speaker 2: other women, perfectionism, trust issues, fearing disapproval. I think that 186 00:11:55,480 --> 00:12:00,640 Speaker 2: this facet around patriarchal influence, though, is most noticeable when 187 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:04,360 Speaker 2: it comes to how you and I see our bodies 188 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:08,120 Speaker 2: and how we see other women. So let's explore that 189 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,800 Speaker 2: for a second. So I had a friend who once 190 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:14,079 Speaker 2: said to me, I hate my body because my mother 191 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:17,680 Speaker 2: hated hers, and it flawed me. Because I think that 192 00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:24,080 Speaker 2: this encapsulates what we're speaking about perfectly. Our mothers significantly 193 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:28,120 Speaker 2: impact the relationship that we have with appearance and with 194 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:32,920 Speaker 2: beauty through verbal messages, through role modeling, through comments on 195 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:35,760 Speaker 2: not just our own bodies, but the bodies of other 196 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:38,320 Speaker 2: people that we see out in public, in magazines, on 197 00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:42,200 Speaker 2: the street. They influence us through their own experiences with 198 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:47,000 Speaker 2: diet culture, and how this almost seeps into our impression 199 00:12:47,559 --> 00:12:51,080 Speaker 2: and perspective on our own bodies. The words that they 200 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:56,439 Speaker 2: speak about themselves in particular, truly do get absorbed into 201 00:12:56,480 --> 00:13:00,960 Speaker 2: our own internal dialogue. If we spend our childhood continuously 202 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:04,920 Speaker 2: hearing our mothers talking about how much they hate and 203 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:09,080 Speaker 2: despise their thighs and their shoulders and their wrinkles, and 204 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,600 Speaker 2: their eye color and their hair color. As we grow up, 205 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:16,680 Speaker 2: we inherit those very features that they hated. And how 206 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,880 Speaker 2: is it that we are meant to love that part 207 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:22,640 Speaker 2: of us that our mother didn't even like about herself, if, 208 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:26,240 Speaker 2: as well, they spend our childhood, you know, switching between 209 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:29,920 Speaker 2: different yo yo dets, going keto and then vegan and 210 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:33,440 Speaker 2: then doing juice fasts, or you know, throwing all the 211 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,920 Speaker 2: processed sugar out in the house, which is something that 212 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:39,360 Speaker 2: my mom did all the time. Ultimately, they are going 213 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,200 Speaker 2: to bring us along with them because they control our 214 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:47,200 Speaker 2: environment as well, and so we internalize this behavior as normal, 215 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:52,440 Speaker 2: and we believe that our bodies, our size, deserves to 216 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:56,440 Speaker 2: be controlled and in some ways punished. It's where like 217 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:59,200 Speaker 2: the concept of an almond mom came from. You know, 218 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:04,880 Speaker 2: a mother who unintentionally gives incredibly unhelpful and unhealthy dieting 219 00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:09,440 Speaker 2: advice that is projecting her own insecurities onto her children. Right, 220 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:12,040 Speaker 2: it has nothing to do with us and everything that 221 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,880 Speaker 2: she decides to place worth in and to place value in, 222 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:20,000 Speaker 2: such as beauty and thinness. As one doctor put it 223 00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:23,800 Speaker 2: in this article, I read this phenomenon of alm and mums. 224 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:27,479 Speaker 2: It's been going on for a long time, therefore it's generational, 225 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:31,320 Speaker 2: but it's also rooted in diet culture. It's rooted in 226 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:37,000 Speaker 2: internalized biases, fat phobia, a projection of fear, and this 227 00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:42,320 Speaker 2: pursuit of thin privilege rather than health. All these behaviors 228 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:47,200 Speaker 2: implicitly influence our body image, our self esteem, and the 229 00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:49,920 Speaker 2: younger that we're exposed, the more deeply ingrained it can become. 230 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,560 Speaker 2: That is a mother wound that it's not spoken about enough, 231 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:59,040 Speaker 2: the inheritance of not body positivity, but body negativity. And 232 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,640 Speaker 2: you know, speaking my own friends and the people around me, 233 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:05,320 Speaker 2: I think there are very few of us who were 234 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:09,000 Speaker 2: not left unscathed by this. In a way. Another wound 235 00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:12,720 Speaker 2: that really seems to derive from that influence of misogyny 236 00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:16,720 Speaker 2: and patriarchy on parenting is the tendency to almost feel 237 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,840 Speaker 2: a little bit competitive with other women. Now, I was 238 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:24,080 Speaker 2: discussing this with a friend recently in regards to job 239 00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:26,480 Speaker 2: hunting and then also like the in also like dating, 240 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:29,960 Speaker 2: especially like dating in our twenties, and she said something 241 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:34,320 Speaker 2: really really interesting. She said, I'll kind of like paraphrase here, 242 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:38,280 Speaker 2: but she explained how our mothers and our grandmothers were 243 00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:41,200 Speaker 2: some of the very first generations to have even like 244 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:44,720 Speaker 2: a smidge of increased freedom to choose a career, to 245 00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:47,720 Speaker 2: date freely, to appreciate kind of some of the benefits 246 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:51,240 Speaker 2: of that sexual and female liberation movement of the sixties. 247 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:55,600 Speaker 2: But in that experience, they also were pitted against each 248 00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:59,920 Speaker 2: other in a lot of circumstances because the opportunities were 249 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,480 Speaker 2: so unequal, like there were just not many of them, 250 00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:06,280 Speaker 2: so there was always this sense of competition, especially with 251 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:09,800 Speaker 2: other women. I read this explanation that a lot of 252 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:13,040 Speaker 2: women in that generation realized that the opportunities for them 253 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,720 Speaker 2: were still quite slim, and they were also still very 254 00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:19,880 Speaker 2: much based on male approval, and so they saw that 255 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:22,640 Speaker 2: as something to fight over, which they then passed on 256 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:27,680 Speaker 2: to their daughters. Right, It's like viewing other women as 257 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:31,440 Speaker 2: competition is very much derived from the fact that a 258 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:34,000 Speaker 2: lot of us still appreciate, and our mothers in particular 259 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:39,640 Speaker 2: appreciate that women are still the less dominant sex in society, 260 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:43,840 Speaker 2: and so there is this need to be more aggressive 261 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:47,440 Speaker 2: when it comes to asking for opportunities, this need to 262 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,800 Speaker 2: be more cutthroat to work harder, but to also be 263 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,880 Speaker 2: more polite and to see other women as something that 264 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:57,400 Speaker 2: could jeopardize that for you, whether that is when it 265 00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:00,160 Speaker 2: comes to jobs, when it comes to careers, or it 266 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:04,280 Speaker 2: comes to finding a partner. Honestly, if you read into this, 267 00:17:04,359 --> 00:17:07,159 Speaker 2: if you read some of the articles around this, it 268 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:10,240 Speaker 2: is so enlightening to be like wow, like they may 269 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:14,160 Speaker 2: not have even you know, explicitly understood what they were doing, 270 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:17,680 Speaker 2: but there was always this sense of like women as 271 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:21,320 Speaker 2: competitors rather than women as friends. So those are two 272 00:17:21,359 --> 00:17:23,000 Speaker 2: ways I think a lot of us can relate to 273 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:26,119 Speaker 2: when it comes to mother wounds of a cultural and 274 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:29,800 Speaker 2: a patriarchal origin, especially if you're also a woman and 275 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,159 Speaker 2: a daughter. But I also want to move on to 276 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:37,600 Speaker 2: discussing some of the more general emotive psychological wounds that's 277 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:43,800 Speaker 2: around forming stable relationships, fearing disapproval, and also the chronic 278 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:46,720 Speaker 2: people pleasing that I think a lot of us find 279 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:50,280 Speaker 2: ourselves trapped in. So all of that and more after 280 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:59,760 Speaker 2: this shortbreak, when people kind of talk about mummy issues, 281 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,359 Speaker 2: which is essentially just a very colloquial way of describing 282 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:08,320 Speaker 2: mother wounds, what they're normally referring to is a difficulty 283 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:15,760 Speaker 2: in dating, in forming relationships, maintaining healthy, stable adult relationships 284 00:18:16,119 --> 00:18:18,800 Speaker 2: because that original bond that we had with our mother 285 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:24,720 Speaker 2: was unhealthy during childhood. You have to remember that for 286 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:27,880 Speaker 2: most of us, our first example of what it meant 287 00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:31,000 Speaker 2: to be cherished and loved and cared for, what it 288 00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:34,520 Speaker 2: meant to trust, and what it meant to feel safe, 289 00:18:35,359 --> 00:18:38,840 Speaker 2: was our mother and that connection that we had with her. 290 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:42,639 Speaker 2: And there are so many ways that that can actually 291 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:47,560 Speaker 2: go quite wrong, especially when it comes to our attachment 292 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:52,160 Speaker 2: to them. It might include circumstances of emotional neglect, of 293 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:58,479 Speaker 2: enmeshment and parentification, or controlling behaviors initiated by our mothers. 294 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,520 Speaker 2: They don't let us go and make our own mistakes, 295 00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:05,000 Speaker 2: they don't let us be our own people, or even 296 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:09,240 Speaker 2: narcissistic abuse. And normally, when we are in that environment 297 00:19:09,359 --> 00:19:12,040 Speaker 2: where the relationship that we have with our mother and 298 00:19:12,119 --> 00:19:17,400 Speaker 2: childhood and adolescence wasn't allowed to form naturally and normally, 299 00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:21,320 Speaker 2: two things end up happening that fall under the umbrella 300 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:24,879 Speaker 2: of mummy issues. The first is that we form a 301 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:30,160 Speaker 2: really unhealthy closeness to our mothers normally because they depend 302 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:32,240 Speaker 2: on us for some kind of emotional need right, or 303 00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:37,119 Speaker 2: they do everything for us. They enmesh themselves in our lives. 304 00:19:37,119 --> 00:19:42,320 Speaker 2: They don't allow us to separate. That often happens in men, 305 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:46,359 Speaker 2: and it often results in them looking for someone to 306 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:51,159 Speaker 2: fulfill that same role. They don't understand that that relationship 307 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,560 Speaker 2: and that dynamic is not appropriate, that there isn't somebody 308 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,880 Speaker 2: who is going to be their mother, who is going 309 00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:59,320 Speaker 2: to do everything for them, who is going to serve them. 310 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,440 Speaker 2: Or the second thing that happens is that we push 311 00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:06,800 Speaker 2: back against any kind of relationship that replicates or mimics 312 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:09,040 Speaker 2: the closeness and dependency that we have with our mother, 313 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:12,080 Speaker 2: because you know, we understand what it means to be 314 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:16,080 Speaker 2: that emotionally tied to somebody and then perhaps hurt, so 315 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:19,960 Speaker 2: we get and we become quite cynical when it comes 316 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:23,200 Speaker 2: to love. We find it hard to trust. This might 317 00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:27,240 Speaker 2: result from perhaps your parents getting a divorce and your 318 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:29,960 Speaker 2: mom maybe didn't handle it well. She kind of separated 319 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:33,080 Speaker 2: for a little while. She you know, took a step back. 320 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:36,400 Speaker 2: Maybe you didn't see her, you felt abandoned, or even 321 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:40,040 Speaker 2: narcissistic abuse, whereby your mother really saw herself as the 322 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,919 Speaker 2: center of her own universe. She had children, to fulfill 323 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:45,720 Speaker 2: her own needs and her own wants, which meant that 324 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,360 Speaker 2: you were kind of always a bit of a puppet, 325 00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:51,840 Speaker 2: and you both as children, we have this natural inclination 326 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,119 Speaker 2: to want to be close to our mother regardless of 327 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:57,480 Speaker 2: how she's treating us, but then also resenting her for 328 00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:01,000 Speaker 2: those negative emotions that we would be feeling in response 329 00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:06,280 Speaker 2: to mistreatment, neglect, maltreatment. When somebody comes along that makes 330 00:21:06,359 --> 00:21:08,560 Speaker 2: us feel a similar way, a sense of you know, 331 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:11,800 Speaker 2: a similar sense of safety, even if it's misplaced. We 332 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:15,760 Speaker 2: automatically associate that with, you know, the other foot coming down, 333 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,760 Speaker 2: the other shoe dropping, which is one of control, which 334 00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:23,600 Speaker 2: is one of perhaps being let down. So I want 335 00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:26,399 Speaker 2: to kind of illustrate two examples of this because I 336 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:29,960 Speaker 2: feel like that's quite like a broad Strokes approach. For example, 337 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:34,240 Speaker 2: if your mother parentified you, that's a big instance in 338 00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:39,119 Speaker 2: which we see mummy issues or mother wounds in parentification. 339 00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:42,119 Speaker 2: What essentially happens is that the role of the parent 340 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:45,480 Speaker 2: and the child have been reversed, and so you served 341 00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:48,840 Speaker 2: as her confident, you had to regulate her emotions. There 342 00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:51,240 Speaker 2: was a level of guilt maybe that she used to 343 00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:53,280 Speaker 2: get you to do what she wanted, you felt like 344 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:57,399 Speaker 2: you had to take care of her. When you reach 345 00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:01,280 Speaker 2: your early twenties or adolescence, when you naturally start seeking 346 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:06,600 Speaker 2: out emotional independence, firstly, your mother might really push back 347 00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:10,800 Speaker 2: against that and guilt you into believing that you're abandoning her, 348 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:13,080 Speaker 2: that you don't love her anymore, you don't see her enough, 349 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:19,200 Speaker 2: And you might also find yourself becoming quite emotionally unavailable. 350 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,960 Speaker 2: You are scared that you're going to repeat that same 351 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:26,840 Speaker 2: bond with somebody else and find yourself increasingly engulfed or 352 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:30,840 Speaker 2: enmeshed in their life. Another example that I heard from 353 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:33,280 Speaker 2: a listener the other day that she kindly agreed to 354 00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:37,840 Speaker 2: let me share was her observing how her mother had 355 00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:40,040 Speaker 2: gotten really caught up in a nasty marriage, in an 356 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:44,040 Speaker 2: abusive relationship. She spent a lot of her childhood really 357 00:22:44,119 --> 00:22:48,360 Speaker 2: constantly wishing that she would leave, that her mother would leave, 358 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:52,359 Speaker 2: and eventually just kind of realized that she couldn't control 359 00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:55,479 Speaker 2: what she decided to do. That kind of resulted in 360 00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:58,040 Speaker 2: her spending a lot of her early twenties resenting her 361 00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:01,000 Speaker 2: mother for the situation and the environment that she was 362 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:05,120 Speaker 2: put through, but also really fearing that she would repeat 363 00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:09,399 Speaker 2: the example that her mother had set that there was 364 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:12,480 Speaker 2: this generational curse that she was going to see this 365 00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:16,119 Speaker 2: behavior as normal and tolerate it herself for accept it 366 00:23:16,119 --> 00:23:18,880 Speaker 2: herself and end up in the same position. So when 367 00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:21,960 Speaker 2: she started dating, she was on hilert. She couldn't trust 368 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:25,080 Speaker 2: anybody around her because she had seen this example of 369 00:23:25,119 --> 00:23:28,000 Speaker 2: how her mother, somebody so similar to herself in blood 370 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:31,719 Speaker 2: and genetics and relationship, had gotten caught up in this 371 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:36,959 Speaker 2: terrible situation that had resulted in her getting hurt. So 372 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:39,800 Speaker 2: I think these situations they go to show yet again 373 00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:43,119 Speaker 2: how much we take on from our mothers and the 374 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:47,120 Speaker 2: kind of invisible influence they will inevitably have over our 375 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:52,000 Speaker 2: adult choices and experiences, especially when it comes to love. 376 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,080 Speaker 2: I think whilst the love that we share with our 377 00:23:55,119 --> 00:23:58,240 Speaker 2: mother may be familial, once again, I will say it again, 378 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:01,920 Speaker 2: it is our first example of what to expect. And 379 00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:04,600 Speaker 2: so depending on the love your mother showed you, or 380 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:07,880 Speaker 2: the love that your mother exposed you to in other environments, 381 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:11,720 Speaker 2: how maybe even that connection was manipulated in some respects, 382 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:16,119 Speaker 2: it can create some wounds. I want to give you 383 00:24:16,119 --> 00:24:19,960 Speaker 2: two final examples of kind of mother wounds that we 384 00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:22,480 Speaker 2: see quite often even if we don't have a label 385 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:26,439 Speaker 2: for it that don't typically fall into like the mummy 386 00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:29,200 Speaker 2: issues in a dating sense, like they're a bit more 387 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:34,400 Speaker 2: broad and therefore perhaps don't receive as much recognition. The 388 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:38,840 Speaker 2: first is around fearing disapproval, and we see this a 389 00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:42,000 Speaker 2: lot in people whose mothers were quite overbearing or who 390 00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:47,440 Speaker 2: were perfectionists themselves. If our mothers were highly critical of us, 391 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:50,040 Speaker 2: maybe it was that they were kind of projecting their 392 00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:56,120 Speaker 2: own desire for success and admiration and achievement onto us. 393 00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:59,840 Speaker 2: They were looking to us as a proxy for them 394 00:25:00,359 --> 00:25:04,040 Speaker 2: to fulfill all of their wishes for having a successful career, 395 00:25:04,119 --> 00:25:07,360 Speaker 2: for being brilliant, for being praised, and so they see 396 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:10,520 Speaker 2: us as an example of her choices and as an 397 00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:15,080 Speaker 2: example of her morals and her greatness for other people 398 00:25:15,119 --> 00:25:18,640 Speaker 2: to observe, rather than seeing us as independent people who 399 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:22,359 Speaker 2: are growing up on our own and who want to 400 00:25:22,359 --> 00:25:24,200 Speaker 2: do our own thing, and who want to become our 401 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:28,160 Speaker 2: own person and be happy in our own achievements. We 402 00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:32,400 Speaker 2: were kind of an extension of her, and that's where 403 00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:35,760 Speaker 2: her need to really bear down on us and control 404 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:38,919 Speaker 2: our behavior came from. That's where her need to be 405 00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:42,720 Speaker 2: involved in everything came from I think when we are 406 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:45,600 Speaker 2: raised in that environment and we have a mother of 407 00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:48,920 Speaker 2: that nature who is kind of being compelled to treat 408 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:52,040 Speaker 2: us that way, we begin to conflate a lot of 409 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:57,320 Speaker 2: our achievements and material accolades with our self worth. And 410 00:25:57,400 --> 00:26:00,119 Speaker 2: so as we get older, when we don't have that 411 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:04,840 Speaker 2: external validation or that external pressure from our parents, from 412 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:07,680 Speaker 2: our mother to succeed, When we don't have our mother 413 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:11,920 Speaker 2: keeping us on track, keeping us disciplined, we end up 414 00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:14,960 Speaker 2: kind of declining in performance. We end up having to 415 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:18,160 Speaker 2: question who we actually are without her around, without her 416 00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,800 Speaker 2: pushing us, and we also in a way lack confidence 417 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:24,840 Speaker 2: in our own decisions. We question our own choices because 418 00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:28,480 Speaker 2: our mother always had control over them. We never really 419 00:26:29,359 --> 00:26:32,679 Speaker 2: got a say, and so we never really began to 420 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:39,440 Speaker 2: build that independent muscle, that independent skill set. I think 421 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:45,240 Speaker 2: this kind of disapproving impossible to please mother figure also 422 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:49,000 Speaker 2: makes us crave validation or constantly seek out ways to 423 00:26:49,119 --> 00:26:53,919 Speaker 2: impress her or another maternal authoritative figure the way that 424 00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:56,359 Speaker 2: we could never impress our mother as a child, we 425 00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:59,960 Speaker 2: start looking for ways to impress you know, strong females 426 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:03,760 Speaker 2: and strong women in our lives as an adult. So finally, 427 00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:07,440 Speaker 2: we have chronic people pleasing. I'm thinking about this now. 428 00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:09,280 Speaker 2: We probably should have talked about this when we were 429 00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:14,080 Speaker 2: discussing the links between mother wounds mother daughter dynamics in patriarchy, 430 00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:16,280 Speaker 2: but that time has past. We're going to talk about 431 00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:18,680 Speaker 2: it now. Something we know as a fact is that 432 00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:22,760 Speaker 2: women are more likely to be people pleasers because of 433 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:27,399 Speaker 2: our conditioned role as caretakers, managing the emotions of others, 434 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:30,919 Speaker 2: suppressing our needs for those around us, keeping the pace, 435 00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:36,000 Speaker 2: maintaining like the harmony, especially as women as daughters who 436 00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:40,200 Speaker 2: do we learn that from normally our mothers through observational 437 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:44,560 Speaker 2: learning to seeing how they adapt and respond to what 438 00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:48,920 Speaker 2: others require of them, and how they sacrifice themselves, their emotions, 439 00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:53,359 Speaker 2: their boundaries, their rest for other people, and we see 440 00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:56,600 Speaker 2: how they behave we watch them for all those years, 441 00:27:57,280 --> 00:27:59,560 Speaker 2: and we kind of take that as a lesson on 442 00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:02,399 Speaker 2: how we should act and who we should be as women, 443 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:06,919 Speaker 2: as caregivers, as providers. It is known as the people 444 00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:10,800 Speaker 2: pleasing or the pushover wound. Sometimes that can also manifest 445 00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:14,040 Speaker 2: in resentment, right, feeling like our mother never taught us 446 00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:16,800 Speaker 2: how to stand up for ourselves, never showed us that 447 00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:18,840 Speaker 2: we could be brave. We could be more courageous, we 448 00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:22,399 Speaker 2: could be better at setting boundaries, and because she didn't 449 00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:24,480 Speaker 2: do that, we have ended up as somebody who was 450 00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:27,560 Speaker 2: always living for others. I think it's okay to feel 451 00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:30,000 Speaker 2: angry about that, but still love your mother at the 452 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,720 Speaker 2: same time, and still understand why she did what she did, 453 00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:37,399 Speaker 2: to think about what you would have done differently in 454 00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:40,160 Speaker 2: that circumstance if you were raising yourself all over again, 455 00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:43,440 Speaker 2: but also knowing that, as simple as it sounds, she 456 00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:46,520 Speaker 2: was doing the best she could. I do genuinely believe 457 00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:49,520 Speaker 2: that our parents very much operate at the sealing of 458 00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:53,080 Speaker 2: what they believe they are capable of giving us. With 459 00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:56,959 Speaker 2: each generation, though, that stealing is going to get higher, 460 00:28:57,480 --> 00:29:01,920 Speaker 2: and our emotional intelligence, our resource us is hopefully expand 461 00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:05,480 Speaker 2: we learn from their mistakes, and so if we one 462 00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:08,520 Speaker 2: day decide to raise our own children, we take everything 463 00:29:08,560 --> 00:29:12,320 Speaker 2: that we saw them perhaps do wrong, their missteps, and 464 00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:15,000 Speaker 2: we ensure that we don't do the same thing. I think, 465 00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:18,680 Speaker 2: speaking of our own children, speaking of generations, the wounds 466 00:29:18,760 --> 00:29:22,000 Speaker 2: that we do carry from our mothers, I think influence 467 00:29:22,560 --> 00:29:26,320 Speaker 2: our perspective on wanting to be mothers ourselves and wanting 468 00:29:26,320 --> 00:29:28,640 Speaker 2: to have children someday, and whether we'll be any good 469 00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:31,560 Speaker 2: at it. This is not something that we speak about 470 00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:35,360 Speaker 2: very much, especially in our early on mid twenties, having children, 471 00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:38,160 Speaker 2: how we should raise them. It feels like a very 472 00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:40,640 Speaker 2: far off reality, a far a fantasy for a lot 473 00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:43,640 Speaker 2: of people, myself included. Perhaps it's not something that you're 474 00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:47,160 Speaker 2: interested in at all, which is also super fair. But 475 00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:49,680 Speaker 2: the older we get, I think, the more aware we 476 00:29:49,720 --> 00:29:52,520 Speaker 2: do become, whether you want children or not, of how 477 00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:56,920 Speaker 2: our unresolved or unhealed wounds will be passed down and 478 00:29:56,960 --> 00:30:01,440 Speaker 2: will impact those around us. Mother and wounds are in 479 00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:06,520 Speaker 2: a sense inherited, but they are also contagious and not 480 00:30:06,560 --> 00:30:11,440 Speaker 2: contagious and like the viral bacterial sense of the world, 481 00:30:12,080 --> 00:30:15,080 Speaker 2: but in the sense that the more exposure you have 482 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:19,080 Speaker 2: to unhealed wounds, the more likely that the behavior of 483 00:30:19,120 --> 00:30:23,080 Speaker 2: that person will inevitably influence your own behavior as well, 484 00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:29,080 Speaker 2: and your unhealed wounds maybe doing that to those around you. 485 00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:32,760 Speaker 2: And I think this is where the devotion to healing 486 00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:37,920 Speaker 2: and the necessity of healing really comes from. If it 487 00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:40,600 Speaker 2: was just you who were suffering, honestly, that would be 488 00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:43,680 Speaker 2: bad enough, that would be hard enough. You deserve more. 489 00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:48,360 Speaker 2: You deserve to really know yourself outside and within this 490 00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:50,640 Speaker 2: space and to understand how you are the way that 491 00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:54,920 Speaker 2: you are. But it's also the sense that eventually you 492 00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,040 Speaker 2: know the person that you have become because of how 493 00:30:57,080 --> 00:31:02,520 Speaker 2: you were raised and your quirks, your insecurities. These small 494 00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:06,720 Speaker 2: coping mechanisms, these big, perhaps maladaptive coping mechanisms that you 495 00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:10,800 Speaker 2: have adopted, may end up sabotaging what you want from life. 496 00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:14,680 Speaker 2: They may end up sabotaging your romantic relationships, your friendships, 497 00:31:15,120 --> 00:31:18,040 Speaker 2: and eventually, again, if you decide to have children, the 498 00:31:18,120 --> 00:31:21,920 Speaker 2: relationship that you eventually have with your own kids. So 499 00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:25,480 Speaker 2: I think my biggest advice I have is to process early, 500 00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:29,600 Speaker 2: but not all at once. It's super amazing that we're 501 00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:33,120 Speaker 2: considering this in our twenties, right, Honestly, at whatever age 502 00:31:33,320 --> 00:31:35,920 Speaker 2: it's important. But I think when we first become aware 503 00:31:35,960 --> 00:31:39,400 Speaker 2: of these wounds that we might be carrying, it's almost 504 00:31:39,520 --> 00:31:42,920 Speaker 2: like starting a marathon. It's almost like looking at this 505 00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:47,920 Speaker 2: massive set of kilometers, is this massive task in front 506 00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:49,520 Speaker 2: of us, and wanting to just jump right in and 507 00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:54,120 Speaker 2: repair the relationship and fix everything straight away, reverse all 508 00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:57,160 Speaker 2: the generational trauma straight away, but there are some things 509 00:31:57,160 --> 00:32:00,640 Speaker 2: that I think we have to do before that, And 510 00:32:01,040 --> 00:32:04,360 Speaker 2: firstly that is to really think about what you need. 511 00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:07,520 Speaker 2: What are the wounds that you feel you need to 512 00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:10,200 Speaker 2: work through, What is it that you're looking to heal from. 513 00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:13,160 Speaker 2: What is the impact that you are seeing in your life, 514 00:32:13,160 --> 00:32:17,240 Speaker 2: What is your emotional experience and where where is the origin? 515 00:32:17,360 --> 00:32:19,760 Speaker 2: What is it coming down to. What part of your 516 00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:23,360 Speaker 2: mother's behavior, what part of her reactions to the world, 517 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:27,440 Speaker 2: what part of her own upbringing are they kind of reflecting. 518 00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:30,480 Speaker 2: I think you need to be clear on where you 519 00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:33,240 Speaker 2: see the link and the origin and the root coming 520 00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:36,440 Speaker 2: from before you can come to the table and say, hey, 521 00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:38,640 Speaker 2: this was my experience and I want to speak about it. 522 00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:41,560 Speaker 2: Right If you say, well, I hate my body, but 523 00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:44,440 Speaker 2: I don't really know how you were involved, it's kind 524 00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:46,760 Speaker 2: of like, you know, it might not be your mother, 525 00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:48,880 Speaker 2: it might be something else, and it's kind of hard 526 00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:52,360 Speaker 2: to work through that experience and to work through this 527 00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:55,560 Speaker 2: very current reality for yourself if you're still kind of 528 00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:59,760 Speaker 2: ambiguous around where this may have actually come from. It Also, 529 00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:02,120 Speaker 2: I think I think is very easy to feel anger 530 00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:05,720 Speaker 2: before any other emotion because it is such a simple, 531 00:33:06,480 --> 00:33:10,040 Speaker 2: one sided emotion. It is so one track minded. But 532 00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:14,640 Speaker 2: anger is not necessarily helpful in these circumstances. It's not 533 00:33:14,760 --> 00:33:19,080 Speaker 2: necessarily helpful to go in all guns blazing, looking to 534 00:33:19,120 --> 00:33:23,760 Speaker 2: find someone to blame, looking to find someone to hurt, 535 00:33:23,880 --> 00:33:28,040 Speaker 2: to scream at, to discuss with. Yes, those conversations will 536 00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:31,560 Speaker 2: eventually need to happen and are important, But I also 537 00:33:31,600 --> 00:33:34,160 Speaker 2: think that the second component, in the second thing we 538 00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:37,479 Speaker 2: need to understand before we go about addressing our mother wounds, 539 00:33:37,560 --> 00:33:40,920 Speaker 2: is addressing how we think our mother is going to respond. 540 00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:44,000 Speaker 2: Think about whether she will be able to accept that 541 00:33:44,040 --> 00:33:46,760 Speaker 2: responsibility or is it something that you just have to 542 00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:49,320 Speaker 2: acknowledge that she is the way she is, she did 543 00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:51,760 Speaker 2: the best she could and kind of process it on 544 00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:54,400 Speaker 2: your own. Sometimes I find, and this is of course 545 00:33:54,480 --> 00:33:58,360 Speaker 2: my own perspective, that our problems and anger can become 546 00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:02,840 Speaker 2: more entrench when we look for closure in our parents, 547 00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:06,120 Speaker 2: because half the time they don't even realize what they did, 548 00:34:06,680 --> 00:34:09,359 Speaker 2: and half the time they probably don't want to take 549 00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:14,080 Speaker 2: responsibility out of a human need to protect their ego, 550 00:34:14,360 --> 00:34:17,160 Speaker 2: one that we all have. No one is going to 551 00:34:17,320 --> 00:34:20,440 Speaker 2: enjoy being told that they were a bad parent. No 552 00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:24,160 Speaker 2: one likes taking on blame for the way that we are, 553 00:34:24,480 --> 00:34:28,799 Speaker 2: especially somebody who feels so personally involved in our development. 554 00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:31,680 Speaker 2: This isn't to say that a discussion might not one 555 00:34:31,760 --> 00:34:33,960 Speaker 2: day take place, and I actually think it's really important, 556 00:34:34,400 --> 00:34:36,359 Speaker 2: just that you need to be clear on what you 557 00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:40,920 Speaker 2: actually need out of that conversation, how your emotional experiences 558 00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:44,520 Speaker 2: and reality relates to your mother wounds, and what you 559 00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:48,080 Speaker 2: can expect from your parent, what you can expect from 560 00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:50,840 Speaker 2: your mother. I think the hardest situations are when you 561 00:34:51,560 --> 00:34:53,839 Speaker 2: go in you have all this courage to say, hey, like, 562 00:34:54,160 --> 00:34:59,680 Speaker 2: I feel like you have created an unhealthy pattern in 563 00:34:59,760 --> 00:35:05,640 Speaker 2: me around attention seeking, around validation seeking, around love, and 564 00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:07,520 Speaker 2: I want to talk about it. I want to understand 565 00:35:07,520 --> 00:35:09,400 Speaker 2: why you raise me the way you did. And she 566 00:35:09,480 --> 00:35:11,560 Speaker 2: turns around and goes, well, no, that's not my experience. 567 00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:13,359 Speaker 2: I'm not that kind of mother. You saying that I'm 568 00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:16,279 Speaker 2: a terrible mother, and suddenly you're shut down, and I 569 00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:18,960 Speaker 2: think it's something to be prepared for. You probably know 570 00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:21,040 Speaker 2: her quite well. What do you think that you're going 571 00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:23,880 Speaker 2: to get out of that conversation and be realistic with 572 00:35:23,920 --> 00:35:27,359 Speaker 2: yourself about it? And you know about the closure that 573 00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:31,319 Speaker 2: you might be available to you before you enter. There 574 00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:33,279 Speaker 2: are a lot of things that we can do for 575 00:35:33,360 --> 00:35:35,920 Speaker 2: ourselves when our mother is perhaps not involved and not 576 00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:40,560 Speaker 2: up for discussing, not willing to take accountability. I think 577 00:35:41,040 --> 00:35:44,120 Speaker 2: first is coming to terms with what you are okay 578 00:35:44,160 --> 00:35:46,680 Speaker 2: with and what you are not in this day and age. 579 00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:49,520 Speaker 2: The good thing about growing up and maturing, about getting 580 00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:53,040 Speaker 2: older and finding independence beyond the family unit is that 581 00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:55,719 Speaker 2: you kind of get to control your physical and emotional 582 00:35:55,840 --> 00:35:58,960 Speaker 2: environment from now on. And that means that you have 583 00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:01,440 Speaker 2: the capacity to say what is no longer okay with 584 00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:05,480 Speaker 2: you and put in that distance. For example, comments about 585 00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:08,200 Speaker 2: your body, about your choices, about what you eat, what 586 00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:11,040 Speaker 2: you wear, who you date. You can put those things 587 00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:14,479 Speaker 2: off limits. Maybe that is by saying to your mother, 588 00:36:14,560 --> 00:36:17,200 Speaker 2: you know, hey, I'm not open to talking about this. 589 00:36:17,239 --> 00:36:19,759 Speaker 2: I'm not in the mood. Let's talk about something else. 590 00:36:20,120 --> 00:36:22,280 Speaker 2: Maybe it's that first step of being like that's actually 591 00:36:22,360 --> 00:36:25,400 Speaker 2: quite hurtful, and you know, this is what the emotional 592 00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:28,600 Speaker 2: experience it creates for me. I feel anxious when you 593 00:36:28,640 --> 00:36:31,719 Speaker 2: say comments about my body. I feel uncomfortable, and I 594 00:36:31,719 --> 00:36:35,040 Speaker 2: don't want that to define our relationship. So maybe that's 595 00:36:35,040 --> 00:36:37,640 Speaker 2: off limits from now on. Maybe we don't discuss it, 596 00:36:37,680 --> 00:36:40,080 Speaker 2: not even maybe that is off limits. From now on, 597 00:36:40,440 --> 00:36:44,000 Speaker 2: we won't be discussing that. Boundaries are spoken about a lot, right, 598 00:36:44,040 --> 00:36:47,239 Speaker 2: but they are so important in healing these wounds. I 599 00:36:47,239 --> 00:36:50,319 Speaker 2: think it's equally important to review the other relationships that 600 00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:54,200 Speaker 2: you have in your life and whether you know that 601 00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:57,520 Speaker 2: original relationship you have with your mother is influencing how 602 00:36:57,560 --> 00:37:01,880 Speaker 2: you're the behavior that you're accepting from these people, like friends, 603 00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:06,080 Speaker 2: like partners, like colleagues, are they're boundaries that need to 604 00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:08,680 Speaker 2: be set with them as well that you previously didn't 605 00:37:08,719 --> 00:37:13,839 Speaker 2: because of this people pleasing wound, because of this kind 606 00:37:13,880 --> 00:37:17,440 Speaker 2: of self sabotaging wound, this self abandonment wound that has 607 00:37:17,480 --> 00:37:21,279 Speaker 2: directly come from you know, your mother being overbearing or 608 00:37:21,320 --> 00:37:25,600 Speaker 2: being absent, or training you to be very passive and 609 00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:28,799 Speaker 2: a bit of a people pleaser. My final tip is 610 00:37:28,800 --> 00:37:31,960 Speaker 2: that it's also valuable to address your inner critic. That 611 00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:34,120 Speaker 2: voice we talked about in your head that sounds like 612 00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:37,520 Speaker 2: your mother or your father. If you can recognize that 613 00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:42,480 Speaker 2: it's your mother's critical voice, Notice when that speaks up. 614 00:37:42,719 --> 00:37:46,120 Speaker 2: Notice where you are feeling it when that voice comes 615 00:37:46,160 --> 00:37:48,760 Speaker 2: into play. What it is about? What is it directed? 616 00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:52,160 Speaker 2: Towards Do you hear that critical voice when you are, 617 00:37:52,880 --> 00:37:55,880 Speaker 2: perhaps you know, not feeling as productive as you usually are? 618 00:37:56,280 --> 00:38:00,520 Speaker 2: Are you hearing that in a voice when I don't know, 619 00:38:00,600 --> 00:38:02,719 Speaker 2: you don't fit into the genes that you used to 620 00:38:02,800 --> 00:38:06,320 Speaker 2: fit into, or when you feel like you've let somebody down, 621 00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:09,920 Speaker 2: or when you're not pushing yourself hard enough at work. 622 00:38:10,520 --> 00:38:15,040 Speaker 2: It's really important to identify your inner critic and what 623 00:38:15,239 --> 00:38:18,360 Speaker 2: it speaks up in response to, because that is normally 624 00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:22,360 Speaker 2: where the wound is located. Secondly, replace that in a 625 00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:25,600 Speaker 2: critic with your own voice, one that builds you up, 626 00:38:25,880 --> 00:38:28,520 Speaker 2: one that is not going to scold you, one that 627 00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:32,560 Speaker 2: is not going to tear you down for simple small 628 00:38:32,640 --> 00:38:35,799 Speaker 2: mistakes or parts of your reality that you like and 629 00:38:35,800 --> 00:38:38,880 Speaker 2: that you accept. It's also important, I think that when 630 00:38:38,920 --> 00:38:42,360 Speaker 2: you feel angry, when you get frustrated, or you're feeling misunderstood, 631 00:38:43,239 --> 00:38:46,120 Speaker 2: or you know you're taking on the criticisms, the anxiety, 632 00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:48,920 Speaker 2: the thoughts of your mother, to separate yourself from that 633 00:38:48,920 --> 00:38:52,960 Speaker 2: feeling by grounding yourself, doing a repetitive doodle, listening to 634 00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:56,360 Speaker 2: your favorite album, going for a quick walk, taking a 635 00:38:56,400 --> 00:39:00,480 Speaker 2: warm shower, detach from the emotions that you have implicitly 636 00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:04,960 Speaker 2: absorbed from her through your experiences. That doesn't mean that 637 00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:08,200 Speaker 2: you need to suppress all your negative emotions, more so 638 00:39:08,400 --> 00:39:11,320 Speaker 2: that you make them manageable, so that when you know, 639 00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:13,640 Speaker 2: you can kind of take a step back and really 640 00:39:13,680 --> 00:39:16,600 Speaker 2: identify why you're feeling the way that you are, where 641 00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:19,000 Speaker 2: that is coming from, and how you can process that 642 00:39:19,600 --> 00:39:22,600 Speaker 2: without having that kind of cloud of confusion over you, 643 00:39:22,719 --> 00:39:27,759 Speaker 2: without just being compelled by anger. So finally, there are 644 00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:30,879 Speaker 2: some books that I would really recommend from people who 645 00:39:30,880 --> 00:39:33,960 Speaker 2: have spent a lot more time with this subject matter 646 00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:37,719 Speaker 2: than me. The first one is titled It Didn't Start 647 00:39:37,760 --> 00:39:41,880 Speaker 2: with You by Mark Wallen. This book is phenomenal, and 648 00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:43,840 Speaker 2: I honestly think that it's a better version of the 649 00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:47,120 Speaker 2: classic The Body Keeps the Score. It's much more modern, 650 00:39:47,520 --> 00:39:51,600 Speaker 2: it's much more thorough. He essentially discusses how trauma is 651 00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:54,719 Speaker 2: essentially hereditary, which we know, and how the legacy of 652 00:39:54,719 --> 00:39:56,719 Speaker 2: those memories has passed down to us by way of 653 00:39:57,120 --> 00:40:00,880 Speaker 2: emotional inheritance, usually from our mothers and the mothers and theirs, 654 00:40:00,920 --> 00:40:04,279 Speaker 2: and it's super accessible. I would really recommend it. The 655 00:40:04,400 --> 00:40:07,480 Speaker 2: other one is What My mother and I Don't talk about. 656 00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:12,239 Speaker 2: That is a collection of fifteen essays by fifteen different writers, 657 00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:16,320 Speaker 2: and it's very very revealing and very honest and really 658 00:40:16,360 --> 00:40:20,839 Speaker 2: examines how complicated our relationship with our matriarch and our 659 00:40:21,360 --> 00:40:24,880 Speaker 2: maternal creator can kind of be. So the reason that 660 00:40:24,960 --> 00:40:28,319 Speaker 2: this series of essays came to be was that the 661 00:40:29,400 --> 00:40:32,360 Speaker 2: like the person who essentially contacted all these women to 662 00:40:32,480 --> 00:40:37,440 Speaker 2: contribute and who edited the entire anthology, Michelle Fieldgate. She 663 00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:40,240 Speaker 2: wrote this essay a while back that went super viral 664 00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:43,759 Speaker 2: about her coming to terms with her stepfather abusing her, 665 00:40:44,239 --> 00:40:46,880 Speaker 2: but it actually really turned into like an exploration of 666 00:40:46,920 --> 00:40:50,200 Speaker 2: how that changed her relationship with her mother, and she 667 00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:54,160 Speaker 2: spoke to sorry to fourteen other women around what that 668 00:40:54,239 --> 00:40:58,719 Speaker 2: experience or just a different experience was like for them 669 00:40:58,760 --> 00:41:02,480 Speaker 2: that kind of changed their perspective towards their mum. So 670 00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:05,600 Speaker 2: ten out of ten I would really recommend it. And 671 00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:09,080 Speaker 2: as of you know, a concluding reminder, a concluding affirmation, 672 00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:13,239 Speaker 2: It's okay to have mixed feelings about your mother as 673 00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:15,239 Speaker 2: you come to terms with the wounds that she may 674 00:41:15,280 --> 00:41:19,040 Speaker 2: have unintentionally left right like she is kind of and 675 00:41:19,080 --> 00:41:21,279 Speaker 2: may still be the center of your universe. You may 676 00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:24,520 Speaker 2: want her attention and love her as much as you 677 00:41:24,560 --> 00:41:27,759 Speaker 2: have ever loved anybody else and still feel angry and 678 00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:31,720 Speaker 2: still feel hurt for her not being able to fulfill 679 00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:34,600 Speaker 2: your maybe emotional needs as a child, or forgetting it wrong. 680 00:41:35,120 --> 00:41:37,719 Speaker 2: You can feel both things at once. That is like 681 00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:42,040 Speaker 2: the complexity and the nuance of human relationships, that we 682 00:41:42,120 --> 00:41:46,520 Speaker 2: hold multiple feelings for somebody at one time. It doesn't 683 00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:50,319 Speaker 2: necessarily mean that, like this relationship is over, that your 684 00:41:50,320 --> 00:41:53,040 Speaker 2: mother was a terrible person, that she meant to hurt you. 685 00:41:53,760 --> 00:41:56,120 Speaker 2: I think a lot of healing when it comes to 686 00:41:56,160 --> 00:42:00,000 Speaker 2: healing our mother wounds stems from a place of forgiveness 687 00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:05,760 Speaker 2: and empathy and realizing why this reality was the one 688 00:42:06,480 --> 00:42:09,440 Speaker 2: that you had to endure and that you experienced where 689 00:42:09,480 --> 00:42:12,719 Speaker 2: that came from for your mother, and stopping the ball there, 690 00:42:13,000 --> 00:42:15,719 Speaker 2: making sure that if you choose to have children, it 691 00:42:15,719 --> 00:42:18,760 Speaker 2: doesn't get passed down or it doesn't get spread around, 692 00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:22,320 Speaker 2: that you don't end up kind of contaminating your relationships 693 00:42:22,880 --> 00:42:25,799 Speaker 2: with the unhealthy patterns that you've learned from her. So 694 00:42:25,880 --> 00:42:28,600 Speaker 2: I really do hope that you've enjoyed this episode. I 695 00:42:28,600 --> 00:42:30,120 Speaker 2: hope you got something out of it. I hope you 696 00:42:30,200 --> 00:42:33,240 Speaker 2: learned something new. I hope that this has helped you heal. 697 00:42:33,840 --> 00:42:36,560 Speaker 2: If you have any further questions for the contributions for 698 00:42:36,640 --> 00:42:39,759 Speaker 2: the experiences that you want to talk about, please feel 699 00:42:39,760 --> 00:42:43,560 Speaker 2: free to message me at that Psychology podcast on Instagram. 700 00:42:44,000 --> 00:42:46,880 Speaker 2: Make sure that you're following us over there so you 701 00:42:46,920 --> 00:42:49,600 Speaker 2: can vote on future episodes so you know what's kind 702 00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:52,920 Speaker 2: of coming out, and that you're following us on Spotify, 703 00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:56,359 Speaker 2: Apple Podcasts, wherever you are listening right now, leave us 704 00:42:56,400 --> 00:42:59,480 Speaker 2: a five star review or subscribe if you would like, 705 00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:02,440 Speaker 2: and make sure that you're taking care of yourself. Be 706 00:43:02,560 --> 00:43:05,480 Speaker 2: kind to yourself, Be gentle to yourself. The fact that 707 00:43:05,520 --> 00:43:08,920 Speaker 2: you have sought out this information is wonderful and I 708 00:43:08,960 --> 00:43:11,200 Speaker 2: think kind of proves that you're on a great journey. 709 00:43:11,239 --> 00:43:14,239 Speaker 2: So I'm super proud of you. And until next week, 710 00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:16,759 Speaker 2: be kind, be gentle, and we will talk soon.