1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,520 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:31,000 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:33,320 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:36,520 Speaker 1: have you here, back for another episode as we break 8 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:39,920 Speaker 1: down the Psychology of Your Twenties. It is December, which 9 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:43,640 Speaker 1: means it is the guest season of the podcast, and 10 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:47,159 Speaker 1: today we're bringing on someone who has actually been here before, 11 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:50,720 Speaker 1: who I'm actually a massive fan of. I would say 12 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:56,680 Speaker 1: we're friends, she can say, she can confirm all tonight, 13 00:00:56,720 --> 00:01:01,000 Speaker 1: but I feel like, if you don't know who list 14 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:05,480 Speaker 1: is and her podcast, date yourself instead, what are you doing? 15 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:08,280 Speaker 1: She is incredible, She is amazing, and she is here 16 00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:11,000 Speaker 1: today to talk about how we can stop getting attached 17 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:13,440 Speaker 1: so quickly. Liz, thank you so much for coming on again. 18 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:16,120 Speaker 2: Yeah, thank you for having me again. I'm so excited, 19 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:18,319 Speaker 2: and I know it's the most cozy time of year 20 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:22,280 Speaker 2: and everyone's getting prepared for the holidays. I'm very excited 21 00:01:22,319 --> 00:01:25,000 Speaker 2: to be here. I'm also very jealous that it's actually 22 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:28,280 Speaker 2: summer where you are and freezing cold where I am. 23 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, I know, but by the time I'm by the 24 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:34,200 Speaker 1: time this is released, I will be where you are 25 00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:36,720 Speaker 1: as well, so we can suffer together in the New 26 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:37,320 Speaker 1: York winter. 27 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:42,080 Speaker 2: Yes, but New York is absolutely amazing during the holiday season, 28 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:43,640 Speaker 2: so I'm really excited for you to come. 29 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:45,399 Speaker 1: I am as well. I feel like I'm hoping for 30 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:49,920 Speaker 1: a white Christmas fingers crossed. We will see what it brings. 31 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:52,560 Speaker 1: But I feel like, if you're listening to this and 32 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:56,000 Speaker 1: you have not listened to the first episode we did together, 33 00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:57,800 Speaker 1: which was like back at the start of the year, 34 00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:01,960 Speaker 1: pause and go and listen to that first. 35 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:03,120 Speaker 3: Because it is very, very good. 36 00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:06,880 Speaker 1: But do you want to tell people kind of what 37 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,440 Speaker 1: you do the basis for your show, because I feel 38 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:12,800 Speaker 1: like for those of the listeners who are if you 39 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:15,640 Speaker 1: are single right now, if you are someone who is 40 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:20,440 Speaker 1: trying to date in your twenties or your thirties or beyond, 41 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:25,360 Speaker 1: who is struggling with self worth, with actually investing in 42 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:28,320 Speaker 1: yourself and investing in the right people, what do you 43 00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:29,320 Speaker 1: talk about on your show? 44 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:33,400 Speaker 2: List I talk about all things self love, healing. If 45 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,240 Speaker 2: you're going through a breakup, if you're going through a 46 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:38,600 Speaker 2: hard time. The reason I created the date Yourself Instead 47 00:02:38,639 --> 00:02:41,520 Speaker 2: movement was to really just put the focus back on yourself, 48 00:02:41,639 --> 00:02:44,440 Speaker 2: especially if you are coming out of a breakup, you 49 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:47,160 Speaker 2: can often lose yourself or forget who you were before 50 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:49,680 Speaker 2: you met that person. And it was inspired by my 51 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:52,639 Speaker 2: own breakup, and a lot of the messaging is just 52 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:56,120 Speaker 2: centered around knowing yourself, knowing your worth, stepping into your power. 53 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:59,520 Speaker 2: And that's why I'm really excited to talk about this 54 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:03,440 Speaker 2: particular topic today, all about attachment, because it ties in 55 00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:05,560 Speaker 2: perfectly to pretty much everything I talk about. 56 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:08,080 Speaker 3: Also, I feel like a lot of our episodes overlap. 57 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,760 Speaker 1: Yeah, especially the dating episodes, because I think that when 58 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:15,480 Speaker 1: we talk about attachment in our twenties, it is really 59 00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:18,440 Speaker 1: at the root of a lot of the I would say, 60 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:22,160 Speaker 1: like love conundrums that we come across, right, the fact 61 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:24,360 Speaker 1: that there are some of us out there, like the 62 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:28,639 Speaker 1: hopeless romantics, the sentimental, the sensitive, who, no matter how 63 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:34,120 Speaker 1: hard we try, get attached way too quickly to another person, 64 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:39,160 Speaker 1: project this whole like fantasy onto this individual that we 65 00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:41,920 Speaker 1: might not even know yet. You know, when I was single, 66 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:44,920 Speaker 1: I remember like going on like one or two dates 67 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:48,120 Speaker 1: with someone and being like yeah, so like wedding will 68 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:52,160 Speaker 1: probably be in June, you know, for summer, and like 69 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,520 Speaker 1: hopefully he's okay if we call our kids this. And 70 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:57,440 Speaker 1: I don't think that it helps you, Like, I don't 71 00:03:57,440 --> 00:03:59,720 Speaker 1: think it helps you. I don't think it helps the relationship. 72 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:03,400 Speaker 1: It makes you so much more invested and more likely 73 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,520 Speaker 1: to be hurt early on, and it doesn't really let 74 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:08,800 Speaker 1: the relationship develop. But I think that we can know 75 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:11,480 Speaker 1: all of these things about us, right, Like we can 76 00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:14,120 Speaker 1: understand that this is our patent, this is our habit 77 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:16,640 Speaker 1: and relationships, this is part of who we are to 78 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:20,000 Speaker 1: get attached and not really know what to do about it. 79 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:23,520 Speaker 1: So why do you think that we get attached too quickly? 80 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:27,360 Speaker 1: Like what are some of the major reasons that you've identified? 81 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,800 Speaker 2: You know, I'm the type of person who used to 82 00:04:29,839 --> 00:04:32,559 Speaker 2: get so overly attached and I knew I was getting 83 00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:35,240 Speaker 2: attached to the wrong person all the time, but it 84 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,960 Speaker 2: was really out of fear. And I talk about this 85 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:42,520 Speaker 2: a lot, like when you are alone and you really 86 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,760 Speaker 2: miss having someone in your life and you miss having 87 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:46,880 Speaker 2: a partner, and then you meet someone new that has 88 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:50,360 Speaker 2: some slight potential. You kind of grasp onto it because 89 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,320 Speaker 2: you're like, oh my god, you know, we like the 90 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:54,599 Speaker 2: same foods and we had a lot in common on 91 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:56,960 Speaker 2: the first date, and maybe this could go somewhere, and 92 00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:00,039 Speaker 2: we fantasize and project this fantasy onto that person with 93 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:03,000 Speaker 2: out really knowing anything about them. If we're coming from 94 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:05,040 Speaker 2: a place of fear that we're going to be alone forever, 95 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:08,560 Speaker 2: I think it's out of you're operating out of fear essentially, 96 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,279 Speaker 2: when you laugh yourself onto someone that you don't even 97 00:05:11,279 --> 00:05:13,440 Speaker 2: know that well, or maybe you know you've only been 98 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,520 Speaker 2: on a couple of dates, and you're like, this is 99 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:19,400 Speaker 2: the one, when in reality, I mean, sometimes they can 100 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:21,920 Speaker 2: be the one, sometimes it can work out, but oftentimes 101 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,280 Speaker 2: I just remember getting myself into a lot of situations, 102 00:05:25,279 --> 00:05:28,000 Speaker 2: and even a situation I came out of recently where 103 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:31,559 Speaker 2: I saw bits and pieces of potential, and just because 104 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,000 Speaker 2: I'm alone and I wasn't really seeing anyone else, I 105 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:37,200 Speaker 2: latched onto this idea of them that wasn't even real. 106 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:40,160 Speaker 2: And I think a lot of people can relate to that. 107 00:05:41,279 --> 00:05:44,400 Speaker 1: It's like the fantasy bonding, right, You're not falling in 108 00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:47,359 Speaker 1: love with who this person is in reality, you're falling 109 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,400 Speaker 1: in love with a version of them that you've created 110 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:53,800 Speaker 1: in your head that you are that is like the 111 00:05:53,839 --> 00:05:56,440 Speaker 1: perfect person for you, right, especially like when you said, 112 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,400 Speaker 1: you're operating from a place of fear where a lot 113 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:05,080 Speaker 1: of us have this intrinsic I think intrinsic anxiety and 114 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:10,479 Speaker 1: worry that we will be alone forever. And maybe part 115 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:14,200 Speaker 1: of preventing yourself from getting attached so quickly is understanding 116 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,080 Speaker 1: that that might not actually be the worst thing in 117 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:19,720 Speaker 1: the world. You know, it's not a death. Like not 118 00:06:19,839 --> 00:06:23,120 Speaker 1: finding someone before thirty or before forty or before fifty 119 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:26,280 Speaker 1: does not mean that your life will not have meaning, 120 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:30,520 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you can't still be a very content 121 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:33,640 Speaker 1: and happy person. Do you think that that's also part 122 00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:35,840 Speaker 1: of the fear, like the fear that to not have 123 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:38,320 Speaker 1: a partner means that your life is kind of wasted 124 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:39,760 Speaker 1: or that you're missing out on something. 125 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:40,360 Speaker 3: Well. 126 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,880 Speaker 2: I think the feeling of love, if you've gotten a 127 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:47,640 Speaker 2: taste of it before, it's something that we're constantly chasing 128 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:50,839 Speaker 2: because that high, like when you're first getting to know 129 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:53,919 Speaker 2: someone and it actually starts working. If you've been in 130 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:57,960 Speaker 2: love before, I think it's easy to want that again 131 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,800 Speaker 2: and again and kind of you know, search for it 132 00:07:00,839 --> 00:07:04,479 Speaker 2: and look for it again and again, and you know, 133 00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:08,240 Speaker 2: I think that's a part of the process of everything. 134 00:07:08,279 --> 00:07:10,840 Speaker 2: Like I think there's no shame in trying to like 135 00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:14,080 Speaker 2: seek out those good feelings and seek out those emotions 136 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,360 Speaker 2: that could make you want to feel like you're in 137 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:19,920 Speaker 2: love again. But at the same time, yeah, I think 138 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:23,720 Speaker 2: it often comes, like love comes and anything comes in life, 139 00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:26,160 Speaker 2: when you're most grounded in your own frame and you're 140 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:30,120 Speaker 2: focused on yourself and you become more magnetic when you're 141 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:33,840 Speaker 2: just centered and you're not actively trying to seek all 142 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:37,040 Speaker 2: of these things. And that's why when we were talking 143 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,480 Speaker 2: about before, like when you met your boyfriend, it's like 144 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:42,480 Speaker 2: when you aren't really looking for it and you kind 145 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:45,000 Speaker 2: of least expect it, but at the same time, you're 146 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:48,720 Speaker 2: open to opportunity. Like it's not completely closing yourself off 147 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:50,760 Speaker 2: from anything. It's just kind of going with the flow 148 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,960 Speaker 2: and trusting the process. And that's why I always say, like, 149 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:57,400 Speaker 2: trust the process and I have that tattoo because it's 150 00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:02,480 Speaker 2: kind of like a way to not keep that resistance 151 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:06,120 Speaker 2: and you know, if you're wanting something too badly, it's 152 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:09,840 Speaker 2: almost blocking you from actually finding the right person. And 153 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:11,920 Speaker 2: when you attach yourself to people that aren't good for 154 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:14,720 Speaker 2: you, you're often kind of blocking what could actually be good 155 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:15,000 Speaker 2: for you. 156 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:18,640 Speaker 1: I one hundred percent agree with that one hundred percent 157 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:22,400 Speaker 1: because I think that when you are when you are 158 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:24,720 Speaker 1: overlooking parts of someone that you know are not good 159 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,040 Speaker 1: for you just because you want connection, just because you 160 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:30,560 Speaker 1: want intimacy, what you're really doing is kind of abandoning 161 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:35,520 Speaker 1: yourself for the for someone else's gain. Right, you're abandoning 162 00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:39,120 Speaker 1: yourself and putting up with someone else's behavior that you 163 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:41,800 Speaker 1: probably wouldn't tolerate from the love of your life. I 164 00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:44,080 Speaker 1: saw this thing the other day that was like, the 165 00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:45,679 Speaker 1: love of your life would not treat you the way 166 00:08:45,679 --> 00:08:50,319 Speaker 1: that you're being treated, So stop confusing I think attachment 167 00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:56,600 Speaker 1: with love or with actual connection. And also, when when 168 00:08:56,640 --> 00:09:00,480 Speaker 1: you're able to identify exactly what you want, exactly who 169 00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:04,000 Speaker 1: you are, there is this confidence to you that means 170 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:07,520 Speaker 1: that you will suddenly attract so many people who are 171 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:12,320 Speaker 1: much better options, and people will actually be able to 172 00:09:13,559 --> 00:09:16,520 Speaker 1: know you as who you are. And I think knowing 173 00:09:16,559 --> 00:09:20,720 Speaker 1: yourself for who you are means that that unconditional love 174 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,000 Speaker 1: that we expect from others is going to be true, right, 175 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:25,480 Speaker 1: It's not going to be based on a fantasy they 176 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:27,520 Speaker 1: have a view either or a fantasy that you have 177 00:09:27,559 --> 00:09:30,880 Speaker 1: of them, because you're really like centered and grounded in 178 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:34,079 Speaker 1: your own reality and in what in your own expectations 179 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:35,880 Speaker 1: and in your own sensive self. 180 00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:38,000 Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure. 181 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,559 Speaker 2: And I think it's easier said than done, too, because 182 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:44,240 Speaker 2: there's a lot of times where you know, I create 183 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:46,880 Speaker 2: these boundaries for myself, and I create really high standards 184 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:50,000 Speaker 2: for myself in my head. And sometimes if you just 185 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:52,280 Speaker 2: tell yourself, yeah, like I'm not going to tolerate this, 186 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:54,720 Speaker 2: I'm not going to tolerate that, it's not really that 187 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,120 Speaker 2: effective because words are words. 188 00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:58,800 Speaker 3: You really have to feel it and believe it. 189 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:00,280 Speaker 2: You know, you really have to be in a place 190 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:02,480 Speaker 2: in your life where you're actually grounded and you actually 191 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:04,520 Speaker 2: have worked on yourself a lot and healed so many 192 00:10:04,559 --> 00:10:07,120 Speaker 2: parts of yourself that you know that you will not 193 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:07,760 Speaker 2: settle for. 194 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:09,000 Speaker 3: Anything less than what you deserve. 195 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:14,280 Speaker 2: And I was humbled recently from a situation where you know, 196 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,199 Speaker 2: and I'm going to talk about this on my own 197 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:17,600 Speaker 2: podcast at some point, but like. 198 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:19,440 Speaker 3: I'll say it on here. 199 00:10:19,559 --> 00:10:23,520 Speaker 2: Also, I was in a situation recently where I got 200 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:26,120 Speaker 2: attached to this idea of the potential of what something 201 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:30,120 Speaker 2: could be with a person that kept convincing me that 202 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:32,960 Speaker 2: he was going to change, and anytime I would bring 203 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,840 Speaker 2: something up, you know, I would see bits and pieces 204 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:38,720 Speaker 2: of potential where he was treating me right at certain points, 205 00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:40,480 Speaker 2: and he was doing and saying the right things at 206 00:10:40,559 --> 00:10:43,120 Speaker 2: certain points, but there were so many other problems and 207 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:46,199 Speaker 2: I would overlook it because I got attached to the fantasy. 208 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:49,480 Speaker 2: And it's such a common thing because when you want 209 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,520 Speaker 2: to see the good in people and when you want 210 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:55,319 Speaker 2: love and you are a loving person, it's easy to 211 00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:57,280 Speaker 2: latch on and there's no shame in it, but it 212 00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:00,280 Speaker 2: just it's there to teach you a valuable lesson about, 213 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:05,440 Speaker 2: you know, really putting all that energy into yourself versus 214 00:11:05,559 --> 00:11:08,200 Speaker 2: externally throwing it at someone else that doesn't deserve it. 215 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,120 Speaker 2: And I think I learned that through a lot of 216 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:13,120 Speaker 2: my situationships and relationships in general. 217 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:16,880 Speaker 1: So yeah, but you get to like a good point 218 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:20,240 Speaker 1: where it's like these relationships are not a waste, right, 219 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:23,440 Speaker 1: Like they are teaching you something. I used to be 220 00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:26,640 Speaker 1: like every person who breaks my heart, every person where 221 00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:28,920 Speaker 1: it doesn't work, is just one step closer to someone 222 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:32,920 Speaker 1: who will. And if you poured all of that love 223 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:35,440 Speaker 1: and all of that energy and that intimacy and that 224 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:40,080 Speaker 1: time into the wrong person, imagine how amazing it's gonna 225 00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:43,119 Speaker 1: be when when it's with the right person. Like, imagine 226 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:46,480 Speaker 1: how like it's just gonna be. It's and I know 227 00:11:46,559 --> 00:11:49,480 Speaker 1: this to be true, Like it's insane, and it's the 228 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:52,280 Speaker 1: best feeling when the love that you've always shown people 229 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:56,839 Speaker 1: that's never been reciprocated is finally reciprocated and you realize 230 00:11:56,920 --> 00:12:00,679 Speaker 1: what true attachment and true connection and true can patibility 231 00:12:01,559 --> 00:12:04,440 Speaker 1: actually feels like, rather than getting caught up in the 232 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:09,400 Speaker 1: intensity in the fantasy, in like the anxiety of pursuing 233 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:12,560 Speaker 1: someone who doesn't want you back. Because I also think 234 00:12:12,559 --> 00:12:16,280 Speaker 1: that sometimes we confuse a lot of that anxiety with 235 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:20,000 Speaker 1: excitement and with chemistry. I don't know if you do this, 236 00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:22,800 Speaker 1: but I think that it's just they feel very similar 237 00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:26,480 Speaker 1: in our bodies, and so we confuse the sensations and 238 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:30,440 Speaker 1: that creates this very instantaneous attachment. 239 00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:34,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, I think my rule now with my 240 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:39,959 Speaker 2: emotions is if I'm at all uncomfortable, anxious and worried, 241 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:43,640 Speaker 2: within the first few dates. It's a hard no, like 242 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:46,320 Speaker 2: your gut will tell you almost instantly if it's not 243 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:50,040 Speaker 2: gonna work, and well, at least for me, I truly 244 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,720 Speaker 2: believe that. And I did this survey on my Instagram 245 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:55,760 Speaker 2: a while ago that was asking people who were in 246 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:58,560 Speaker 2: serious relationships or married how they knew their person was 247 00:12:58,559 --> 00:13:01,160 Speaker 2: the one and they weren't just getting, you know, attached 248 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:05,600 Speaker 2: to some random person. And almost every response said I 249 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:08,880 Speaker 2: felt a sense of peace and calm like I had 250 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:13,320 Speaker 2: never experienced before, where I felt safe, my nervous system 251 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,640 Speaker 2: felt at peace and at ease, and it was something 252 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,760 Speaker 2: that I didn't know existed. And I was like shocked, 253 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:22,960 Speaker 2: like so many people had the same answer, and I 254 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:25,920 Speaker 2: was really thinking about I'm like, I don't know if 255 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:30,160 Speaker 2: I've ever actually experienced that, and that's something that I'm 256 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:33,560 Speaker 2: looking forward to now, because we tend to get attached 257 00:13:33,559 --> 00:13:36,120 Speaker 2: to people that make us anxious, especially if we're anxious 258 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:39,240 Speaker 2: attached people like I'm an I have anxious attachment style. 259 00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:42,920 Speaker 2: I don't know about you, but I'm an anxious attached person. 260 00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:47,560 Speaker 2: So it's kind of easier to spot when something's not 261 00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:49,400 Speaker 2: working for me early on now and I know that 262 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:52,360 Speaker 2: I need to detach myself and remove from the situation quickly. 263 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:57,840 Speaker 1: Hmm, that's actually such a good point, Like I'm gonna say, 264 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:01,959 Speaker 1: I feel I feel that way now where everyone used 265 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,800 Speaker 1: to always say to me love is meant to be easy, 266 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:07,760 Speaker 1: and it's meant to be calm, and it's meant to 267 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:10,680 Speaker 1: be peaceful. And I was like, that sounds really boring. 268 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:14,240 Speaker 1: I really honestly thought that. I was like, that sounds boring. 269 00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:17,200 Speaker 1: I'm used to like the spark. I'm used to like 270 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:20,720 Speaker 1: this intense passion that is so self destructive and will 271 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:25,080 Speaker 1: burn out your relationship. And I think sometimes we meet 272 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:28,120 Speaker 1: those people right who could be the one who could 273 00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:33,960 Speaker 1: really fulfill us, but we sabotage the relationship because we 274 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:37,120 Speaker 1: have gotten so used to this pattern of people who 275 00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:39,840 Speaker 1: have made us feel a certain way that we don't 276 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,560 Speaker 1: really trust our first impression. We see someone as boring, 277 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:47,920 Speaker 1: we might see someone as not really our type because 278 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:51,800 Speaker 1: we are expecting this like firework of feelings, when really 279 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:54,400 Speaker 1: what you should be looking for is the person who, 280 00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:56,560 Speaker 1: of course you have so much fun with and who 281 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,600 Speaker 1: sees you and who you're excited by, but who also 282 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:02,920 Speaker 1: at the end the day, does not leave you questioning 283 00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:06,800 Speaker 1: whether they actually want to be with you, and if 284 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:09,960 Speaker 1: you were to, like, it's the you should not be 285 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,280 Speaker 1: sitting there being like does this person actually like me? 286 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,720 Speaker 1: The moment that you are asking yourself that question, a 287 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:18,160 Speaker 1: the answer is no. Be The second part of that 288 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:20,920 Speaker 1: is you need to run, like you need to cut 289 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:24,120 Speaker 1: that person out because I think that, like, I don't 290 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:25,800 Speaker 1: know if you've had that experience, but I'm like, that 291 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:28,120 Speaker 1: is not a good sign for the start of a relationship. 292 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:31,720 Speaker 2: Oh yeah, Well, the experience I just recently went through 293 00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:34,560 Speaker 2: with someone, it was dragged out for five. 294 00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:39,320 Speaker 3: Full months and five months five months of my time. 295 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,320 Speaker 2: I mean, listen, a lot of the time I wasn't 296 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:45,520 Speaker 2: physically together with him, like we live in different countries. 297 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,840 Speaker 2: I barely saw him throughout those five months. But it 298 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:53,320 Speaker 2: was a lot of texting, communication, whatever. And it's still energy. 299 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:56,240 Speaker 2: You know, it's still your time, and it's still your 300 00:15:56,240 --> 00:16:00,640 Speaker 2: feelings at play, and it's still your emotions. So you know, 301 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:03,240 Speaker 2: I always say like, your time and your energy towards 302 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:06,520 Speaker 2: someone is your currency, and it's really true, because I 303 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:10,520 Speaker 2: started getting a little too invested and I would try 304 00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:12,880 Speaker 2: to make shit work all the time with him where 305 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:16,520 Speaker 2: it was like I was like, okay, you know, I'm here, 306 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:18,960 Speaker 2: you're there, what's going on? 307 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:20,880 Speaker 3: Like, do you want to talk? Whatever? 308 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:24,880 Speaker 2: And he would just always find a way to make 309 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:29,600 Speaker 2: it difficult, right, and then once I pulled back, he 310 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,120 Speaker 2: would try to get me reattached. 311 00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:31,720 Speaker 1: You know. 312 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:33,720 Speaker 2: It was one of those games where it was like 313 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:36,000 Speaker 2: I would kind of detach myself and remove and say, 314 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,680 Speaker 2: you know what, f this, I'm out and he would 315 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:40,640 Speaker 2: be like, oh, no, talk to me. I want to 316 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:43,880 Speaker 2: talk through it, what's going on, and manipulate me back 317 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,640 Speaker 2: into the situation. I think that's why a lot of 318 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:48,080 Speaker 2: people hold on, and that's why I'm bringing it up 319 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:51,320 Speaker 2: right now because maybe it could help someone like. You know, 320 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:55,600 Speaker 2: people will find a way to keep you holding on 321 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:58,280 Speaker 2: even if they don't want you, and it has to 322 00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:01,160 Speaker 2: be up to you to cut the court and walk away. 323 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:04,159 Speaker 2: And eventually I did, and I cut the cord and 324 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:07,560 Speaker 2: I said, you know, this is my life, this is 325 00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:10,960 Speaker 2: my feelings, this is like, you know, my energy and 326 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,760 Speaker 2: my time, and if you're not valuing that and you're 327 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:16,479 Speaker 2: playing this game with me where you just want me around, 328 00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:18,879 Speaker 2: but you're not actually going to see any sort of 329 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:21,160 Speaker 2: future with me, what the hell am I doing? 330 00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:21,520 Speaker 3: You know? 331 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,720 Speaker 2: So I think a lot of people could probably relate 332 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:26,879 Speaker 2: to that situation because people will want you to be 333 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,440 Speaker 2: attached to them. People will want you to hold onto them, 334 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:32,000 Speaker 2: and they'll feed you this idea that maybe it could work, 335 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:36,880 Speaker 2: and it's so relatable, and you know, even someone who 336 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,919 Speaker 2: has a dating podcast like I literally talk about this 337 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:43,119 Speaker 2: and give advice about this. It is easier said than 338 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,400 Speaker 2: done when you're in a situation where there's a connection, 339 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:49,080 Speaker 2: so you know, but you learn from it and I'm like, 340 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,040 Speaker 2: I feel like it's made me even better and stronger, 341 00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:56,840 Speaker 2: and I'm like happy, and it's all good. But it's 342 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,800 Speaker 2: a it's very common. 343 00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:01,120 Speaker 1: It's this thing right where it's not that that person 344 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:04,320 Speaker 1: didn't know what he had. He was very aware of 345 00:18:04,359 --> 00:18:07,439 Speaker 1: what he had. That is why he was constantly trying 346 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:10,600 Speaker 1: to bring you back in. Maybe he was obsessed with 347 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:14,240 Speaker 1: the chase that made him feel like it was worth it. 348 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:16,560 Speaker 1: He knew what he had, he just didn't know how 349 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:18,719 Speaker 1: to He didn't know what to do with it, and 350 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,360 Speaker 1: he didn't want to He didn't want to treat you 351 00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:24,040 Speaker 1: in the way that you deserved, right. I think that 352 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:29,000 Speaker 1: sometimes when we encounter these people who aren't willing to commit, 353 00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:31,719 Speaker 1: or who act in the way that this man was acting. 354 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:35,680 Speaker 1: Trash man, that's such terrible behavior. But when we meet 355 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:40,080 Speaker 1: people who act in that way, we think that for 356 00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:44,719 Speaker 1: them to fully want us would be the biggest, biggest 357 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,520 Speaker 1: sign to us that we are worth something. And so 358 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:51,160 Speaker 1: it's not just about attachment. It's also about our sense 359 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:54,000 Speaker 1: of self esteem, and it's about our sense of self 360 00:18:54,119 --> 00:18:56,960 Speaker 1: value and our sense of value as a person, where 361 00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:00,120 Speaker 1: we think, okay, well, if this person doesn't want me, 362 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,320 Speaker 1: if this person isn't willing to treat me the way 363 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:06,440 Speaker 1: that I deserve, what does that say about me? And 364 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:10,800 Speaker 1: so you become obsessed with almost winning them over or 365 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:13,440 Speaker 1: proving to them that they should change or they should 366 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:18,600 Speaker 1: treat you differently, because that kind of journey, that kind 367 00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:21,800 Speaker 1: of convincing is a proxy for you trying to convince 368 00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:24,639 Speaker 1: yourself that you have value. If this person believes it, 369 00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:28,400 Speaker 1: you can finally believe it. And there are people out 370 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:33,120 Speaker 1: there who unfortunately understand that and understand that they can 371 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:36,679 Speaker 1: have that impact on people and who use it. And 372 00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:39,320 Speaker 1: I think I know that you and I are both 373 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:43,119 Speaker 1: very like romantic and sensitive people. I think that's like 374 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,560 Speaker 1: a brilliant, brilliant thing. But do you think that also 375 00:19:46,359 --> 00:19:48,520 Speaker 1: is one of the reasons why people get attached a 376 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:49,520 Speaker 1: little bit too quickly. 377 00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,280 Speaker 2: I think if you're a very loving person and you're 378 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:58,040 Speaker 2: very vulnerable, and you're sensitive as a person, and you know, 379 00:19:58,920 --> 00:19:59,879 Speaker 2: a lot of women. 380 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:03,280 Speaker 3: Are, I. 381 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:03,720 Speaker 2: Mean a lot of people are. I'm not going to 382 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:05,199 Speaker 2: just pin it on women. A lot of people in 383 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:08,119 Speaker 2: general are. But I think for me, I'm just speaking 384 00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:13,959 Speaker 2: from my experience. I think I have a hard, you know, shell, maybe, 385 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:17,840 Speaker 2: but I'm really soft and I try to give people 386 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:21,159 Speaker 2: as many chances as I can because I just, you know, 387 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:23,119 Speaker 2: and you're the same way. Probably you just want to 388 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:26,160 Speaker 2: see the good in people because we're good people. And 389 00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:28,359 Speaker 2: a lot of people are like that, where they're good 390 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,840 Speaker 2: people and they want to believe that the other person 391 00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:34,520 Speaker 2: on the other end of their situationship or relationship is 392 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:35,240 Speaker 2: the same way. 393 00:20:35,119 --> 00:20:38,280 Speaker 3: That they are. But that's really not often the case. 394 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,480 Speaker 2: You know, when you're in a situation where you're latching 395 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:44,000 Speaker 2: onto someone and they know what they have and they're 396 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,800 Speaker 2: not able to value it, but they still want to 397 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:51,040 Speaker 2: keep you around. I think it's easy for sensitive people 398 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:55,320 Speaker 2: who love very deeply to get taken advantage of I do, unfortunately. 399 00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:58,680 Speaker 2: But I also think, as you mentioned earlier about you know, 400 00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:02,520 Speaker 2: knowing your worth and having a really good self concept 401 00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:06,920 Speaker 2: of yourself, that's the key to attracting better people into 402 00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:09,840 Speaker 2: your life. And I think a lot of why we 403 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,960 Speaker 2: attach ourselves to people is also related to low self esteem. 404 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:17,560 Speaker 2: And I'm not gonna lie. I tend to get insecure, 405 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:21,120 Speaker 2: especially when it comes to love. I tend to nitpick 406 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:24,000 Speaker 2: myself internally, and that's something I'm working on now, and 407 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,320 Speaker 2: it's something I've been working on for a while where 408 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:30,040 Speaker 2: I want to wake up every day feeling so insanely 409 00:21:30,119 --> 00:21:33,040 Speaker 2: confident that I know one hundred percent what I have 410 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,359 Speaker 2: to offer all the time. But there's a lot of 411 00:21:35,359 --> 00:21:39,160 Speaker 2: people in my past who have chiseled away at that 412 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:41,280 Speaker 2: version of me that I want to be. So if 413 00:21:41,359 --> 00:21:45,520 Speaker 2: I'm like, you know, I'm amazing, I'm beautiful, I'm the best. 414 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:48,480 Speaker 3: I've had a lot of guys try to like break that. 415 00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:51,320 Speaker 2: Down, and because I'm sensitive and I let them in, 416 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:54,159 Speaker 2: it's affected me, you know, where they say, oh, you know, 417 00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:57,680 Speaker 2: go put on makeup, or like I've had guys tell 418 00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:01,600 Speaker 2: me that or like sorry, I'm not like laughing because 419 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:04,399 Speaker 2: it's fun. I'm laughing because it's absolutely insane, or like 420 00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:09,480 Speaker 2: shock yeah, or like you know, I've had guys coming 421 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:14,040 Speaker 2: on my weight before, like I don't know why, they 422 00:22:14,119 --> 00:22:17,120 Speaker 2: just have and I'm like, okay, this is making me uncomfortable. 423 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:21,479 Speaker 2: Or I've had guys tell me I'm not worth a 424 00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:24,880 Speaker 2: certain you know, amount of money, or like if they 425 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:27,000 Speaker 2: take me out, they expect me to pay for everything, 426 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,520 Speaker 2: things like that, where it's made me feel like garbage 427 00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:31,280 Speaker 2: because I'm like, okay, am I not worth like a 428 00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:36,439 Speaker 2: five dollar coffee? So you know, it's just about learning 429 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:39,680 Speaker 2: how to build yourself up again and have that like unbreakable, 430 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:43,200 Speaker 2: unshakable self confidence, and then you'll probably attract better people 431 00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:44,000 Speaker 2: into your life. 432 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:47,920 Speaker 1: I also think that those experiences, right, it's so hard 433 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:51,520 Speaker 1: when it's so unfair. It's not just hard, it's unfair 434 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:56,320 Speaker 1: when you have to undo the damage that someone else 435 00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:59,480 Speaker 1: has done, when someone has like come into your heart, 436 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:01,960 Speaker 1: come into your so come into your life, and then 437 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,439 Speaker 1: like I'm going to make a mess of this just 438 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:07,440 Speaker 1: for fun, Like I'm going to chisel down this person's confidence. 439 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,480 Speaker 1: I think because they understand that, then you're more reliant 440 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:13,119 Speaker 1: on them for your confidence, so they have more control 441 00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:15,640 Speaker 1: of you. Maybe they don't realize it, maybe you don't 442 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:17,840 Speaker 1: realize it, but I think that I've seen that in 443 00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:21,040 Speaker 1: my own life so many times, and it's just it 444 00:23:21,119 --> 00:23:24,000 Speaker 1: is unfair to be like, Okay, well, now this experience 445 00:23:24,119 --> 00:23:26,159 Speaker 1: is a part of me, and it's not something that 446 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:28,760 Speaker 1: I'm I'm ever going to forget. It's not something that 447 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:30,800 Speaker 1: I'm not going to think of of time to time. 448 00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:33,480 Speaker 1: But I do think that your point of like, you 449 00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:38,120 Speaker 1: need to become almost like this, You need to become 450 00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:42,960 Speaker 1: this like impenetrable kind of fortress of like self love 451 00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:48,400 Speaker 1: and self worth and confidence where you're like, your opinion 452 00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:52,120 Speaker 1: of me, how you choose to treat me, has absolutely 453 00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:54,840 Speaker 1: nothing to do with who I am, because when you 454 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:57,000 Speaker 1: think about it, there are millions of people out there 455 00:23:57,040 --> 00:24:01,800 Speaker 1: who sometimes we don't we don't give them a chance, 456 00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:05,399 Speaker 1: or we just haven't met them yet, who would treat 457 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:10,080 Speaker 1: you amazingly. It's this like it's this metaphor of like, 458 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:15,639 Speaker 1: your worth stays the same, it's just how much someone 459 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:18,960 Speaker 1: else values it and what kind of price you're willing 460 00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,000 Speaker 1: to take. Like I saw this analogy that was like 461 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:24,119 Speaker 1: a bottle of water. You know, at the grocery store 462 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:27,359 Speaker 1: is like is a dollar a bottle of water at 463 00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:30,280 Speaker 1: Like the airport is like six dollars, Like a bottle 464 00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:33,479 Speaker 1: of water, Like a concert is like twelve dollars. Like 465 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:36,960 Speaker 1: the water remains the same, Like it's the same product. 466 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:39,840 Speaker 1: But it's where you're valued. It's where there is demand 467 00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:42,240 Speaker 1: for the kind of person that you are. And I 468 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:44,640 Speaker 1: think some part of us, when we have gone through 469 00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:47,760 Speaker 1: a lot of dating experiences where we have been rejected, 470 00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:51,240 Speaker 1: shut down, we have fallen into this pattern of looking 471 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:54,119 Speaker 1: for the same kind of people, we really forget that 472 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:58,240 Speaker 1: and we forget that there are actually so many people 473 00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:00,440 Speaker 1: out there who would value us with who we are. 474 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:04,960 Speaker 1: So what are some of the signs of someone who 475 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:09,919 Speaker 1: is worth emotionally attaching to, who is worth that effort 476 00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:13,760 Speaker 1: and who you think is like I know with this 477 00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:16,040 Speaker 1: whole episode is like how to not get attached too quickly? 478 00:25:17,359 --> 00:25:19,720 Speaker 1: Sometimes though there are people who you have a gut 479 00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:21,440 Speaker 1: instinct to write for you like, what are some of 480 00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:24,040 Speaker 1: the distinctions do you think between the people you should 481 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:26,840 Speaker 1: absolutely avoid in the people who you should kind of 482 00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:28,680 Speaker 1: be willing to be more vulnerable with. 483 00:25:29,359 --> 00:25:34,600 Speaker 2: Ooh, I think someone who understands your emotions early on, 484 00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:39,119 Speaker 2: you don't have to explain yourself. It's just easy, you know, 485 00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:43,119 Speaker 2: it just flows the communication that is there. They understand 486 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,119 Speaker 2: who you are and what you're about early on in 487 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:49,600 Speaker 2: the relationship where they can, you know, kind of understand 488 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:52,919 Speaker 2: your needs and respect them and respect your boundaries. I 489 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,760 Speaker 2: think respect and having a mutual respect early on for 490 00:25:55,800 --> 00:26:01,200 Speaker 2: one another is such a green flag. And you know, consistency, 491 00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:04,959 Speaker 2: I think a really big thing for me personally. What 492 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:06,719 Speaker 2: I've seen and the people that I've ended up in 493 00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:10,240 Speaker 2: serious relationships with is they were always consistent. They knew 494 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:12,840 Speaker 2: exactly what they wanted, and they were like, it's you, 495 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,240 Speaker 2: you know, it's you. You're the one, and I want 496 00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:19,040 Speaker 2: to date you. And everyone deserves that. Everyone deserves that 497 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:22,520 Speaker 2: feeling of being wanted. And there's nothing wrong with wanting 498 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:26,600 Speaker 2: that feeling of being wanted. But you know, I think 499 00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:30,960 Speaker 2: we often try to convince ourselves out of things that 500 00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:34,879 Speaker 2: we try to convince ourselves of things that are maybe 501 00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:36,760 Speaker 2: not necessarily good for us. 502 00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:37,880 Speaker 3: We try to. 503 00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:40,239 Speaker 2: Justify why things can change all the time, and we 504 00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:43,640 Speaker 2: try to make up stories in our head and fantasize like, oh, 505 00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:48,480 Speaker 2: you know, maybe once he's done with work. You know, 506 00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:50,720 Speaker 2: he said, works busy for the next two months, maybe 507 00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:53,600 Speaker 2: things will get better after that. Or you know, I've 508 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,040 Speaker 2: heard that excuse many times. Oh, I'm busy with work, 509 00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:58,440 Speaker 2: and you know, I'm not really looking for a relationship 510 00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:00,480 Speaker 2: at this time, but I will be. It's a very 511 00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:04,159 Speaker 2: common excuse or like you know, just things like that 512 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:08,159 Speaker 2: where no one's making excuses about wanting to be with 513 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,960 Speaker 2: you or see you. Someone who can make a plan 514 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:12,680 Speaker 2: and want to see you and want to be around you, 515 00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:14,960 Speaker 2: because if you like someone, you're going to want to 516 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:18,720 Speaker 2: spend time with them. That's just a natural human instinct. 517 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:22,760 Speaker 2: Those are all green flags me where I'm like, yes, okay, 518 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:24,639 Speaker 2: you want to see me, you want to talk to me, 519 00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:30,360 Speaker 2: Everything feels emotionally safe, huge, huge for me at least, 520 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:32,520 Speaker 2: indicators that it's moving in the right direction. 521 00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:35,359 Speaker 1: What about you, Well, I actually was listening to that 522 00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:37,960 Speaker 1: being like, yeah, I completely agree one hundred percent. On 523 00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:40,240 Speaker 1: the one other one I would say, which I think 524 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:43,640 Speaker 1: actually links to what you were talking about, is they 525 00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:46,240 Speaker 1: don't just want you on their terms, because I think 526 00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:50,080 Speaker 1: that that example that you gave of, oh, works really busy. 527 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:53,800 Speaker 1: I don't want to date you, but also yeah, please 528 00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:57,119 Speaker 1: come over five nights a week and like, come and 529 00:27:57,119 --> 00:28:00,600 Speaker 1: hang out with me. It's like that is them giving. 530 00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:02,679 Speaker 1: That is then basically being like I want you on 531 00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:04,760 Speaker 1: my terms. I want you when it's convenient for me. 532 00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:09,720 Speaker 1: I don't care about you, I don't care about what 533 00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:12,800 Speaker 1: you need from me. Yeah, it's like it's so common, 534 00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:16,600 Speaker 1: I think, especially like in guys who are like twenty, 535 00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:21,760 Speaker 1: like early thirties, where I get it right, like it's 536 00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:24,600 Speaker 1: not it might not be a huge priority for them, 537 00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:26,399 Speaker 1: but there are people out there who it would be 538 00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:28,880 Speaker 1: a priority. Who's seeing you would be a priority, who 539 00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:31,680 Speaker 1: spending time with you would be a priority, And it 540 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:34,159 Speaker 1: wouldn't just be based on like what their schedule looks like, 541 00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:36,120 Speaker 1: and it wouldn't just be based on like how their 542 00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:39,680 Speaker 1: life is going right now. They would make space for 543 00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:43,000 Speaker 1: you to be there. And then I also think the 544 00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:47,400 Speaker 1: other thing is being really clear about the future. 545 00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:51,320 Speaker 3: There is no like, oh yeah. 546 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:54,280 Speaker 1: Ambiguity around the fact that you are in their future 547 00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:57,440 Speaker 1: with them, So then being like oh, you know, and 548 00:28:57,680 --> 00:28:59,440 Speaker 1: even as small as being like, oh, next week, we 549 00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:01,960 Speaker 1: should go to this museum or I really want to 550 00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:04,520 Speaker 1: go to this restaurant we should go, or being like 551 00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:07,400 Speaker 1: I think I'm gonna go. Yeah, Like hey, like you know, Christmas, 552 00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:09,160 Speaker 1: I'm gonna go see my parents, Like what are you 553 00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:12,280 Speaker 1: doing for Christmas? Like there is a sense of like 554 00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:17,680 Speaker 1: continuity there, it's not any And I think that's really important, 555 00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:20,640 Speaker 1: especially if you are someone who is anxious, because you're 556 00:29:20,640 --> 00:29:24,680 Speaker 1: not constantly trying to anticipate when the relationship is going 557 00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:25,480 Speaker 1: to end. 558 00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:27,680 Speaker 3: This person, Oh my god, I love that. 559 00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:30,080 Speaker 1: Yeah, but they have like it's true right, Like they 560 00:29:30,120 --> 00:29:33,920 Speaker 1: have enough respect for you to make you feel comfortable 561 00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:35,720 Speaker 1: that the relationship is going somewhere. 562 00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:37,640 Speaker 3: Yeah, one hundred percent. 563 00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:42,800 Speaker 2: Like I remember when I got into my last relationship. 564 00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:48,040 Speaker 2: I was shocked by how forward and how much effort 565 00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:51,160 Speaker 2: he was making. And I was like, wait, this is normal, 566 00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:54,840 Speaker 2: Like this is what normal is. I don't have to 567 00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:57,960 Speaker 2: decipher what he's trying to say and question if he 568 00:29:58,120 --> 00:30:00,640 Speaker 2: likes me. He was literally from the He was like 569 00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:01,840 Speaker 2: I want to hang out with you, I want to 570 00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:03,680 Speaker 2: take you to dinner, I want to see you. And 571 00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:06,840 Speaker 2: he was constantly following up about plans and making an 572 00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:10,040 Speaker 2: effort so like so many times, and I was the 573 00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:12,480 Speaker 2: one blowing him off. You know, like I was the 574 00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:16,720 Speaker 2: one saying I'm busy, I have plans because I was scared. 575 00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:19,440 Speaker 2: I was like, what is this like? Is this man 576 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:22,640 Speaker 2: mentally stable? Like I thought he was the problem at 577 00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:25,040 Speaker 2: first because I had never experienced what it's like to 578 00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:28,800 Speaker 2: actually be wanted in a healthy way, which is crazy 579 00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:30,800 Speaker 2: to think about. I mean I did have other boyfriends 580 00:30:30,800 --> 00:30:33,400 Speaker 2: before that were pretty straightforward, but there was a little 581 00:30:33,400 --> 00:30:36,280 Speaker 2: more effort involved. But with him, it was just it 582 00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:39,360 Speaker 2: was so forward and it was so easy. And I 583 00:30:39,440 --> 00:30:42,960 Speaker 2: learned so much from that relationship because he always knew 584 00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:46,840 Speaker 2: what he wanted and it was it was like too easy. 585 00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:51,800 Speaker 2: It was it just felt so good. And I remember 586 00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:54,120 Speaker 2: he would always include me and his plans. He would 587 00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:55,880 Speaker 2: always make me a part of his life. He would say, 588 00:30:55,880 --> 00:30:57,560 Speaker 2: do you want to meet my friends? Do you want 589 00:30:57,600 --> 00:30:59,720 Speaker 2: to come to my party that I'm having with the 590 00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:00,600 Speaker 2: people that I know? 591 00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:01,080 Speaker 3: You know? 592 00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:03,360 Speaker 2: He always made me a part of his circle from 593 00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:06,040 Speaker 2: the beginning, and that's how I knew it was different. 594 00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:08,360 Speaker 2: I knew it was different right away because I was like, 595 00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:12,080 Speaker 2: he wants me to meet his friends on day two, Like, 596 00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:14,959 Speaker 2: what's happening right now? I think a lot of people 597 00:31:15,280 --> 00:31:17,719 Speaker 2: I want to say men. Some people get like annoyed, 598 00:31:17,760 --> 00:31:20,240 Speaker 2: like saying like men and women whatever. But I really 599 00:31:20,280 --> 00:31:22,640 Speaker 2: do believe, like if we're talking from a male perspective, 600 00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:24,880 Speaker 2: they kind of know instantly if they want to be 601 00:31:24,920 --> 00:31:27,760 Speaker 2: with you, and maybe that's not the best you know. 602 00:31:27,840 --> 00:31:30,360 Speaker 2: I obviously I know it doesn't apply to every relationship, 603 00:31:30,400 --> 00:31:32,840 Speaker 2: because every relationship has a different course. 604 00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:35,120 Speaker 3: But I truly believe. 605 00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:37,760 Speaker 2: For the most part, a man kind of knows what 606 00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:39,640 Speaker 2: he wants within the first couple of dates. 607 00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:43,360 Speaker 1: I also think that men in particular do not face 608 00:31:43,440 --> 00:31:48,080 Speaker 1: the same societal pressure that women do to settle. So 609 00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:51,480 Speaker 1: I think that that's something that we can take, right, 610 00:31:51,520 --> 00:31:53,280 Speaker 1: It's something that we can take from them. That's why 611 00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:56,400 Speaker 1: they know instantly. That's why they know whether they like 612 00:31:56,480 --> 00:32:02,400 Speaker 1: someone or not, is because they are not also to navigate. Well, 613 00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:04,640 Speaker 1: I'm like, they're also not trying to navigate, like the 614 00:32:04,680 --> 00:32:07,760 Speaker 1: sense of like, oh, you know, better find someone by thirty, 615 00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:10,959 Speaker 1: like my biological clock is ticking, or I don't want 616 00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:12,680 Speaker 1: to be a spinster, or I don't want to end 617 00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:15,040 Speaker 1: up alone, or all my friends are in relationships. Like 618 00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:21,280 Speaker 1: women have been so indoctrinated by society and have learnt 619 00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:25,400 Speaker 1: so much about how they deserve to be treated from 620 00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:30,080 Speaker 1: like almost a deficit mindset where the thing that you 621 00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:32,920 Speaker 1: need most is a relationship, whereas for men, the thing 622 00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:35,920 Speaker 1: that they need most is like career success or like 623 00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:38,800 Speaker 1: financial stability. And as much as we think that like 624 00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:42,840 Speaker 1: that has changed, there is still that is still very 625 00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:46,160 Speaker 1: implicit in how we are raised. It's very implicit in 626 00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:48,680 Speaker 1: the world we see around us. So I think that's 627 00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:51,400 Speaker 1: why men are so much so much better able to 628 00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:54,120 Speaker 1: make those kind of judgment calls. Also, I love that 629 00:32:54,720 --> 00:32:58,200 Speaker 1: he like introduced you to his friends. I always say, 630 00:32:58,360 --> 00:32:59,880 Speaker 1: they should be treating you the way that you want 631 00:32:59,920 --> 00:33:02,160 Speaker 1: to be treating them, right, So if you're someone who 632 00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:03,920 Speaker 1: is like I really want you to meet my friends 633 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:07,320 Speaker 1: and they're not doing that, there is an imbalance there. 634 00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:10,000 Speaker 1: Like that's also a very easy way to say it. 635 00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:14,360 Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I hadn't really thought too deeply into it. 636 00:33:14,400 --> 00:33:18,479 Speaker 2: And like I remember when I first, you know, started 637 00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:22,800 Speaker 2: hanging out with him, he was just so inclusive, like 638 00:33:22,840 --> 00:33:25,200 Speaker 2: he just made me feel wanted and appreciated, and. 639 00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:27,400 Speaker 3: He wanted to show me off. That was it. 640 00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:30,000 Speaker 2: It was like he wanted to put me on a 641 00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:32,360 Speaker 2: pedestal and say, look, at her, this is the person 642 00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:36,680 Speaker 2: I'm with, And I had never had that before. I 643 00:33:36,680 --> 00:33:39,160 Speaker 2: had never really had someone that was so proud to 644 00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:41,560 Speaker 2: be next to me. And I think that's what it 645 00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:43,400 Speaker 2: taught me, is like there are people out there that 646 00:33:43,520 --> 00:33:45,400 Speaker 2: will be so proud to show you off and be 647 00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:48,080 Speaker 2: next to you and be like, this is the person 648 00:33:48,120 --> 00:33:50,680 Speaker 2: I'm with, Like I'm so proud to be dating them. 649 00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:54,800 Speaker 2: And I always felt that sense of like I was 650 00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:57,040 Speaker 2: proud to be dating him also, you know, it was 651 00:33:57,080 --> 00:33:58,440 Speaker 2: like a mutual exchange of like. 652 00:33:58,400 --> 00:34:01,040 Speaker 3: We were both proud to be each other's partners. 653 00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:03,479 Speaker 2: And I think that's such a good feeling because you're like, 654 00:34:04,040 --> 00:34:06,040 Speaker 2: I love the qualities that you have, and I'm not 655 00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:08,799 Speaker 2: embarrassed to be out in public with you because there's 656 00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:10,799 Speaker 2: been people that have treated me badly, and I'm like, 657 00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:12,480 Speaker 2: if I run into someone I know and they know 658 00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:14,840 Speaker 2: what's going on with this situationship, it's like that it 659 00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:18,279 Speaker 2: makes me look bad because I'm like tolerating someone that 660 00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:20,480 Speaker 2: you know, won't commit to me or whatever. And my 661 00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:22,719 Speaker 2: friends know if they see me out, they're gonna shit 662 00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:25,080 Speaker 2: on me for being with this person, you know. But 663 00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:27,960 Speaker 2: with him, I remember I was like I want the 664 00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:30,120 Speaker 2: people in my life to know how amazing he is. 665 00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:32,319 Speaker 2: And I think he, you know, he felt the same 666 00:34:32,360 --> 00:34:34,279 Speaker 2: way about me. So it ended up being a really 667 00:34:34,320 --> 00:34:37,919 Speaker 2: good relationship, but it also set the standard. So now 668 00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:40,759 Speaker 2: it's like, that's what I want times one hundred, Like, 669 00:34:40,800 --> 00:34:43,320 Speaker 2: if I'm gonna get married to someone, my husband better 670 00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:47,840 Speaker 2: be shouting my name from the rooftops in New York City. 671 00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:52,000 Speaker 1: Yeah, you know minimum you know that's saying in friends 672 00:34:52,040 --> 00:34:55,880 Speaker 1: when Monica gets engaged and she's like, I'm engaged. I 673 00:34:55,920 --> 00:34:58,520 Speaker 1: want my husband to be doing that, pleased and thank you, 674 00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:01,080 Speaker 1: like you have a prize. So I feel like, if 675 00:35:01,080 --> 00:35:05,920 Speaker 1: that's like the gold standard, our tendency to get attached 676 00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:08,520 Speaker 1: too quickly we've already identified is not helping us in 677 00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:11,719 Speaker 1: this because it's not a allowing you to see yeah, 678 00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:15,279 Speaker 1: you're not seeing things clearly. Sometimes it ends up sabotaging 679 00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:19,319 Speaker 1: the relationship where you like put undue pressure not on 680 00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:22,400 Speaker 1: the other person, but on you as a couple, you 681 00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:26,680 Speaker 1: as a pair, way too early before like it's ready 682 00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:29,920 Speaker 1: to hold that kind of responsibility. So what are some 683 00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:32,719 Speaker 1: of the ways that we can kind of slow down 684 00:35:32,719 --> 00:35:37,319 Speaker 1: the attachment process, take things slowly, take our time and 685 00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:39,640 Speaker 1: really listen to our gut instinct. 686 00:35:39,880 --> 00:35:42,120 Speaker 2: Well, I think it comes down to what we were 687 00:35:42,120 --> 00:35:46,160 Speaker 2: talking about earlier is really grounding yourself and being in 688 00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:51,360 Speaker 2: your own frame and knowing that you know you should 689 00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:54,239 Speaker 2: not be settling just because you're alone. And that's a 690 00:35:54,239 --> 00:35:55,880 Speaker 2: big thing that a lot of people, as you just 691 00:35:55,920 --> 00:35:58,080 Speaker 2: said that really blew my mind earlier, the point you 692 00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:00,640 Speaker 2: made about how men have this society, they don't have 693 00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:04,280 Speaker 2: the societal pressure that women do to settle because there 694 00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:07,240 Speaker 2: you know, it's like the clock is ticking for women. 695 00:36:07,360 --> 00:36:09,840 Speaker 2: That's like a whole thing that I guess we see 696 00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:14,760 Speaker 2: advertised everywhere nowadays, and I think there's so much truth 697 00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:17,640 Speaker 2: to that, and I think just putting everything into perspective 698 00:36:18,239 --> 00:36:23,520 Speaker 2: and understanding that it's so much worse to rush and 699 00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:26,200 Speaker 2: dive deep dive into someone that's not good for you 700 00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:28,239 Speaker 2: and latch onto someone that's not good for you and 701 00:36:28,239 --> 00:36:31,319 Speaker 2: then get attached to something that's not going anywhere. It's 702 00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:36,799 Speaker 2: so much worse in the long term, and really thinking 703 00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:39,920 Speaker 2: about it from like pulling yourself out of it and 704 00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:42,040 Speaker 2: looking like from a bird's eye view in a way 705 00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:43,840 Speaker 2: and just saying, okay, like, how is this going to 706 00:36:43,920 --> 00:36:46,319 Speaker 2: help me in the long term. If you don't think 707 00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:48,080 Speaker 2: it is, and you think it's not going to go anywhere, 708 00:36:48,520 --> 00:36:50,600 Speaker 2: it's better to wait, and it's better to focus on 709 00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:52,960 Speaker 2: yourself and direct all that energy inwards. And I think 710 00:36:53,040 --> 00:36:55,480 Speaker 2: like the ways I've done that is you know, I 711 00:36:55,480 --> 00:36:58,960 Speaker 2: mean this might sound cliche, but actually though, I meditate 712 00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:03,120 Speaker 2: every single day, and I tell myself self love affirmations 713 00:37:03,239 --> 00:37:06,240 Speaker 2: almost every single day. And I'm very big on self 714 00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:09,360 Speaker 2: concept because your self concept plays into everything, and it 715 00:37:09,480 --> 00:37:15,239 Speaker 2: especially plays into your relationships and people. People mirror to 716 00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:18,280 Speaker 2: you where you're at in your life right and people 717 00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:20,640 Speaker 2: mirror to you how you feel about yourself. And I 718 00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:26,520 Speaker 2: think unpacking those feelings of insecurity that you have when 719 00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:28,520 Speaker 2: you're latched onto someone that isn't good for you and 720 00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:31,759 Speaker 2: kind of healing that is the step you need to 721 00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:33,920 Speaker 2: take in order to not get attached and actually meet 722 00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:36,000 Speaker 2: the right person. And that's something I'm working through right 723 00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:39,560 Speaker 2: now because I still have my own healing to do too, 724 00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:43,120 Speaker 2: Like I'm looking for someone that's going to be the 725 00:37:43,200 --> 00:37:47,400 Speaker 2: long term, like the endgame, and I still have stuff 726 00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:52,480 Speaker 2: that I'm healing, which is like settling just because you 727 00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:56,120 Speaker 2: know someone treats you nice temporarily and takes you to dinner. Like, 728 00:37:56,200 --> 00:37:58,279 Speaker 2: that's not a reason why you should latch onto them. 729 00:37:58,320 --> 00:38:02,520 Speaker 2: That is the bare minimum. It doesn't mean that that's 730 00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:07,200 Speaker 2: your soulmate, right Like, but you could have these blinders 731 00:38:07,200 --> 00:38:10,359 Speaker 2: on when you're alone for a while, which I empathize, 732 00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:14,040 Speaker 2: you know, I empathize when people are like alone for 733 00:38:14,080 --> 00:38:16,960 Speaker 2: a long time. You kind of have these like delusional 734 00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:20,680 Speaker 2: goggles on sometimes and you gotta you gotta rip the 735 00:38:20,719 --> 00:38:21,399 Speaker 2: goggles off. 736 00:38:22,560 --> 00:38:24,480 Speaker 1: It's because you're coming at it. I think from like 737 00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:27,840 Speaker 1: a like a scarcity mindset where you're like, wow, I 738 00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:31,839 Speaker 1: better grab. Like it's kind of like when everyone when 739 00:38:31,880 --> 00:38:34,280 Speaker 1: you feel like everyone else has something that you want, 740 00:38:34,360 --> 00:38:36,120 Speaker 1: you're just going to grab like the first thing that 741 00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:38,279 Speaker 1: you see, because it's going to fulfill at least the 742 00:38:38,320 --> 00:38:41,239 Speaker 1: sense that you have it. I also think that, yeah, 743 00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:45,160 Speaker 1: when you talk about like meditating and positive affirmations, positive 744 00:38:45,160 --> 00:38:49,080 Speaker 1: affirmations work, there is so much psychology behind it. The 745 00:38:49,120 --> 00:38:52,799 Speaker 1: way you speak to yourself impacts your behavior and impacts 746 00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:57,000 Speaker 1: the kind of the I hate the word vibe because 747 00:38:57,000 --> 00:39:00,239 Speaker 1: it sounds so like unscientific, but kind of like the 748 00:39:00,640 --> 00:39:01,760 Speaker 1: energy that you give off. 749 00:39:01,840 --> 00:39:04,600 Speaker 2: Ever since I started really making a habit of changing 750 00:39:04,640 --> 00:39:07,759 Speaker 2: my inner dialogue and saying, you know, I am the 751 00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:10,720 Speaker 2: best person this, Like I'm the best person that anyone's 752 00:39:10,719 --> 00:39:12,560 Speaker 2: ever gonna meet. I know it might sound a little 753 00:39:12,880 --> 00:39:14,920 Speaker 2: not narcissistic, but it sounds like full of yourself. 754 00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:17,440 Speaker 3: No, it's just it's good. 755 00:39:17,640 --> 00:39:19,440 Speaker 2: You know, it's good to feel like the best person 756 00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:21,000 Speaker 2: in the room. Why wouldn't you want to feel like 757 00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:23,520 Speaker 2: the best person in the room. Like, it doesn't mean 758 00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:26,239 Speaker 2: that necessarily objectively, Like maybe other people wouldn't agree with that, 759 00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:28,360 Speaker 2: but it doesn't matter, you know, it matters how you 760 00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:31,760 Speaker 2: feel about yourself. And that's why I always I started 761 00:39:31,760 --> 00:39:34,360 Speaker 2: telling myself these things like I'm the most amazing person, 762 00:39:34,920 --> 00:39:38,839 Speaker 2: I'm so successful, I'm so beautiful, I'm so confident. These 763 00:39:38,880 --> 00:39:41,680 Speaker 2: things are okay to feel about yourself, you know, like 764 00:39:42,239 --> 00:39:45,839 Speaker 2: why shouldn't everyone feel good about themselves? So I yeah, 765 00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:49,000 Speaker 2: I do really agree with that. The whole psychology behind affirmations. 766 00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:52,240 Speaker 2: I've seen massive changes in my life ever since I started. 767 00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:54,880 Speaker 1: Also, it's interesting because I think a lot of people 768 00:39:55,040 --> 00:39:57,600 Speaker 1: get concerned that that kind of behavior is like narcissistic. 769 00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:01,120 Speaker 1: The thing is, when you are in a world that 770 00:40:01,239 --> 00:40:05,240 Speaker 1: is constantly trying to break down your sense of self 771 00:40:05,239 --> 00:40:08,160 Speaker 1: concept or your sense of self esteem. You kind of 772 00:40:08,200 --> 00:40:11,640 Speaker 1: need an exaggerated practice like that, or you need to 773 00:40:11,719 --> 00:40:15,279 Speaker 1: speak to yourself in an exaggerated, highly positive way to 774 00:40:15,440 --> 00:40:19,440 Speaker 1: counteract that negativity in order to reach a balance like 775 00:40:19,520 --> 00:40:23,160 Speaker 1: I do genuinely believe it, and affirmations are an amazing 776 00:40:23,200 --> 00:40:26,160 Speaker 1: way to do that. Set a behavioral intention as well, 777 00:40:26,800 --> 00:40:30,399 Speaker 1: be like I'm not going to settle for this, I'm 778 00:40:30,440 --> 00:40:33,279 Speaker 1: not going to settle for and write a list, and 779 00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:36,359 Speaker 1: also write a list of what you truly want, and 780 00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:41,680 Speaker 1: when you meet someone, actually honestly evaluate them against those 781 00:40:42,239 --> 00:40:47,640 Speaker 1: against you know, those those non negotiables. It's a way 782 00:40:47,840 --> 00:40:51,319 Speaker 1: to make sure that when it comes to situations of 783 00:40:51,360 --> 00:40:53,799 Speaker 1: the heart, when it comes to situations that are very emotional, 784 00:40:54,719 --> 00:40:58,759 Speaker 1: like attachment, you are maintaining like your rational edge, you 785 00:40:58,800 --> 00:41:02,680 Speaker 1: are maintaining like a logical, steady head when it comes 786 00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:05,839 Speaker 1: to these situations, especially if you know that you as 787 00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:09,000 Speaker 1: someone who gets maybe carried away. And I think also 788 00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:13,880 Speaker 1: make sure that you sustain your emotional independence. So often 789 00:41:14,719 --> 00:41:17,080 Speaker 1: I find I used to find that I would be 790 00:41:17,239 --> 00:41:22,279 Speaker 1: entirely reliant on someone else's reactions and behavior and their 791 00:41:22,320 --> 00:41:25,840 Speaker 1: receptiveness to me to determine my mood. 792 00:41:25,520 --> 00:41:29,520 Speaker 3: I definitely do that. Oh yeah, that's no. 793 00:41:29,680 --> 00:41:32,920 Speaker 2: That's so common, you know, when if someone doesn't react 794 00:41:32,920 --> 00:41:35,040 Speaker 2: the way you expect them to, or if someone doesn't 795 00:41:35,040 --> 00:41:37,279 Speaker 2: text you back right away, or something where you just 796 00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:40,799 Speaker 2: are kind of accept like you're kind of expecting a 797 00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:43,560 Speaker 2: certain response. If you don't get that exact response or 798 00:41:43,560 --> 00:41:46,160 Speaker 2: someone's not treating you the right way, it's so easy 799 00:41:46,200 --> 00:41:48,000 Speaker 2: to emotionally react to that and be like, oh, my 800 00:41:48,040 --> 00:41:55,239 Speaker 2: whole day's ruined, you know. But yeah, it's very relatable. 801 00:41:55,239 --> 00:41:58,000 Speaker 2: But it's also like tying back into self concept. Once 802 00:41:58,040 --> 00:42:01,399 Speaker 2: you have such a strong sense of self, those things 803 00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:04,560 Speaker 2: don't affect you anymore, you know. I feel like that 804 00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:06,760 Speaker 2: it's happened less and less to me, Like I get 805 00:42:07,080 --> 00:42:10,000 Speaker 2: less negative reactions from people now that I'm more grounded, 806 00:42:10,120 --> 00:42:12,960 Speaker 2: which is an amazing thing, because I think a lot 807 00:42:13,000 --> 00:42:15,320 Speaker 2: of the time I was always waiting on someone's validation 808 00:42:15,360 --> 00:42:16,680 Speaker 2: of the things they said to me or how they 809 00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:18,399 Speaker 2: said it or the way they phrased it in order 810 00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:20,759 Speaker 2: to make me feel like, oh, I'm doing a good job, 811 00:42:20,920 --> 00:42:21,600 Speaker 2: you know what I mean. 812 00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:23,879 Speaker 1: And it's like, you don't need that like you don't 813 00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:26,960 Speaker 1: this person unless they prove it to you, means nothing. 814 00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:30,719 Speaker 1: Like that was a real mindset shift I had where 815 00:42:30,719 --> 00:42:34,600 Speaker 1: I was like, you do not deserve to be in 816 00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:36,319 Speaker 1: my life until you prove that you want to be 817 00:42:36,360 --> 00:42:38,920 Speaker 1: there and then we can talk, like then we can 818 00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:41,880 Speaker 1: see what happens. So I think that's really important and 819 00:42:41,920 --> 00:42:45,319 Speaker 1: also prevents you from fantasy bonding when you like recognize 820 00:42:45,360 --> 00:42:49,440 Speaker 1: that your emotional independence means a lot more than your 821 00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:52,560 Speaker 1: connection to that person, your sense of like just emotional 822 00:42:52,600 --> 00:42:55,400 Speaker 1: wellness as well. You said something on your show the 823 00:42:55,440 --> 00:42:58,000 Speaker 1: other day that was like if this person is making 824 00:42:58,040 --> 00:43:00,960 Speaker 1: you feel like ill or stick to your stomach, like 825 00:43:01,040 --> 00:43:02,920 Speaker 1: that is not a good sign. Like if they are 826 00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:06,120 Speaker 1: at any point making you feel like it's not a 827 00:43:06,160 --> 00:43:09,520 Speaker 1: good sign. Like you don't have like ibs, you don't 828 00:43:09,600 --> 00:43:14,359 Speaker 1: have like chronic like stomach pains, Like this person is 829 00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:17,400 Speaker 1: like it's just bad for you, Like they're creating physical 830 00:43:17,440 --> 00:43:20,680 Speaker 1: reactions in your body. So it's also something to remember. 831 00:43:21,200 --> 00:43:26,120 Speaker 2: Oh yeah, for sure, I definitely have had I've had 832 00:43:26,160 --> 00:43:29,280 Speaker 2: physical reactions to people before, where like I was physically 833 00:43:29,320 --> 00:43:34,760 Speaker 2: repulsed by things that like happened and you know, felt 834 00:43:34,800 --> 00:43:38,640 Speaker 2: actually like actually felt ill at times. I kept getting 835 00:43:38,640 --> 00:43:42,480 Speaker 2: sinus infections when I was around this one person every 836 00:43:42,480 --> 00:43:43,759 Speaker 2: time I would hang out with them. So I got 837 00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:47,120 Speaker 2: a sinus infection the next day. Telling you something, and 838 00:43:47,200 --> 00:43:50,600 Speaker 2: it was like, and sinuses are I think sinuses are 839 00:43:50,640 --> 00:43:53,240 Speaker 2: linked to your emotions, your emotional well being in general, 840 00:43:53,280 --> 00:43:56,239 Speaker 2: like from a spiritual perspective, And I was doing some 841 00:43:56,280 --> 00:43:59,440 Speaker 2: research on this, and your body can react in crazy 842 00:43:59,600 --> 00:44:02,080 Speaker 2: ways when you're around people that are not good for 843 00:44:02,120 --> 00:44:05,520 Speaker 2: you and that are sucking your energy dry. And that's 844 00:44:05,560 --> 00:44:07,960 Speaker 2: another way to know if you're attached to the wrong person. 845 00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:09,720 Speaker 3: So keep that Also. 846 00:44:09,800 --> 00:44:13,080 Speaker 1: Stress, Like stress increases cortisol. It's going to make you 847 00:44:14,400 --> 00:44:17,000 Speaker 1: experience like illness and sickness. It's going to suppress your 848 00:44:17,000 --> 00:44:20,280 Speaker 1: immunity more. That is like an important way your body 849 00:44:20,360 --> 00:44:22,919 Speaker 1: is telling you that something isn't right. So I think 850 00:44:22,960 --> 00:44:26,040 Speaker 1: that that is a good place to end things with 851 00:44:25,680 --> 00:44:30,440 Speaker 1: a health warning. And I really do hope that, like 852 00:44:31,440 --> 00:44:34,080 Speaker 1: I really do hope that if you are someone who 853 00:44:34,080 --> 00:44:38,000 Speaker 1: gets attached too quickly, that this episode has helped you, 854 00:44:38,160 --> 00:44:41,520 Speaker 1: that this episode has given you something to think about. 855 00:44:41,560 --> 00:44:44,440 Speaker 1: You know, when I'm moving into the new year, and 856 00:44:44,800 --> 00:44:46,919 Speaker 1: we're going to move into the new year, unattached and 857 00:44:48,000 --> 00:44:51,120 Speaker 1: absolutely madly in love with ourselves and not with someone 858 00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:53,839 Speaker 1: who doesn't deserve it. So I want to thankless so 859 00:44:53,960 --> 00:44:56,840 Speaker 1: much again for coming on. If you do not listen 860 00:44:56,840 --> 00:45:00,839 Speaker 1: to her podcast, I personally listen to it. I think 861 00:45:00,880 --> 00:45:03,759 Speaker 1: it's amazing and it gives me a lot to think about. 862 00:45:03,760 --> 00:45:05,040 Speaker 1: I'm sure it will give you a lot to think 863 00:45:05,040 --> 00:45:07,240 Speaker 1: about as well. So thanks for coming on again. 864 00:45:07,320 --> 00:45:10,400 Speaker 3: Thank you, thank you. I tell everyone about your podcast also. 865 00:45:10,400 --> 00:45:14,080 Speaker 2: It's amazing and I'm just grateful that I'm on again. 866 00:45:15,040 --> 00:45:18,120 Speaker 1: Yeah, women supporting women, guys, That's what it's all about. 867 00:45:18,719 --> 00:45:21,640 Speaker 1: As always, If you enjoyed this episode, please feel free 868 00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:24,440 Speaker 1: to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify 869 00:45:25,000 --> 00:45:27,560 Speaker 1: wherever you are listening right now, and if you have 870 00:45:27,600 --> 00:45:29,440 Speaker 1: an episode suggestion. If you just want to get in 871 00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:33,000 Speaker 1: touch see some behind the scenes content, you can follow 872 00:45:33,080 --> 00:45:36,560 Speaker 1: us on Instagram at that Psychology Podcast. We will be 873 00:45:36,600 --> 00:45:39,759 Speaker 1: back next week with another guest episode, so we will 874 00:45:39,800 --> 00:45:40,239 Speaker 1: see you then.