Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: September twenty eight, twenty fifteen, from Comedy Central's World News
Speaker 2: headquarters in New York.
Speaker 1: This is The Daily Show with Trevor NOAs. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the Daily Show. Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Trevor Noha.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining us. I'll first guest
Speaker 1: to meet at rock Stalk Kevin Hart.
Speaker 3: That's right, Kevin Hart is joining us today. So before
Speaker 3: we get started, Before we get start, I just wanted
Speaker 3: to say a few things. First of all, this is
Speaker 3: surreal for me.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 3: Growing up in the dusty streets of South Africa, I
Speaker 3: never dreamed that I would one day have well, two things, really,
Speaker 3: and indoor toilets and a job as of the Daily Show.
Speaker 4: And now I have both, and I'm quite comfortable with
Speaker 4: one of them.
Speaker 1: So you know what the truth is.
Speaker 3: Now I'm in the chair, and I can only assume
Speaker 3: that this is as strange for you as it is
Speaker 3: for me. John Stewart was more than just a late
Speaker 3: night host. He was often our voice, our refuge, and
Speaker 3: in many ways, our political dad.
Speaker 1: And it's weird because dad has.
Speaker 3: Left and now and now it feels like the family
Speaker 3: has a new step.
Speaker 5: Dad and he's black, which is not ideal.
Speaker 3: I also know that many people have questions, For example,
Speaker 3: why isn't a woman hosting the show, because surely it's
Speaker 3: about time. Well, it turns out that Comedy Central did
Speaker 3: ask women host, and the woman they asked turned the
Speaker 3: job down because they all had better things to do
Speaker 3: and clearing you something I didn't. Also, why didn't they
Speaker 3: get an American to host? And again Comedy Central tried
Speaker 3: and those people also declined, And so once more, a
Speaker 3: job Americans rejected is now being done by an immigrant.
Speaker 3: You know, many people are part of the reason that
Speaker 3: I'm sitting here today, but above all, I would be
Speaker 3: remiss if I didn't acknowledge one man, and that's John
Speaker 3: Stewart's Thank you, John.
Speaker 1: Thank you, Thank you for believing in me.
Speaker 3: I'm not quite sure what you saw in me, but
Speaker 3: I'll work hard every day to find it, and I'll
Speaker 3: make you not look like the crazy old dude who
Speaker 3: left his inheritance to some random kid from Africa. And
Speaker 3: to you, the Daily Show viewer, both new and old,
Speaker 3: at home or on your phone, thank you for joining
Speaker 3: us as we continue the war on bullshits.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 3: Now, seeing as this is my first show, we wanted
Speaker 3: to start it off with something a little lights So
Speaker 3: here we go Syria.
Speaker 1: Just kidding, it's the Pope.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Hope Francis captivates.
Speaker 5: The Capital for more than twenty thousand people at Madison
Speaker 5: Square Garden, eighty thousand at Central Park.
Speaker 6: One million people in Philadelphia, lack.
Speaker 1: A rock star was arriving.
Speaker 7: Hope Mania, hopa Palooza, Pope Chella, Hope by Southwest, the
Speaker 7: World Series.
Speaker 3: Of poper and what do you give to the Pope
Speaker 3: that has Everything?
Speaker 6: There have been a number of new emojis created to
Speaker 6: commemorate this trip, including one of the Pope kissing a
Speaker 6: baby and another one of him eating a sub I'm
Speaker 6: assuming it's a Philly cheese steak.
Speaker 3: Finally, Hope mojis for when you want to inject just
Speaker 3: the rights amounts of confusion into your late night sexting
Speaker 3: sub girl you up because eggplant Winki face cartoon Pope
Speaker 3: like sea steaks.
Speaker 1: But like figuring that one out.
Speaker 3: But in quieter moments, his holiness wanted to talk politics.
Speaker 8: Climate change is a problem. Protate the vulnerable in our world.
Speaker 8: As the son of an immigrant family.
Speaker 9: I'm happy to be a guest in this country which
Speaker 9: was largely built by such families.
Speaker 3: Yeah, hates inequality and climate change, loves immigrants. He's like
Speaker 3: a young Bernie Sanders. And from the moments he arrived,
Speaker 3: Francis showed that he rolls humble.
Speaker 10: After being greeted by the President, the Vice President, and
Speaker 10: an adoring crowd at Andrews Air Force Pace, he was
Speaker 10: whisked away in a tiny Fiat dwarfed by the Secret
Speaker 10: Service vehicles surrounding him.
Speaker 1: Oh that's a tiny ca.
Speaker 3: Somebody's undercompensate, saying, I'm saying the Pope is a.
Speaker 1: Huge That was the joke. I'm saying.
Speaker 5: That's the joke, and what a waste.
Speaker 1: But how much?
Speaker 3: How much could the Pope really do in one weekend?
Speaker 3: Would he have a really lasting effect on America?
Speaker 1: Well, the truth is he did.
Speaker 10: The Meltway bombshell House Speaker John Bayner abruptly resigning from Congress.
Speaker 7: The move comes a day after Bayner, a devout Catholic,
Speaker 7: welcomed the pope to the US capital.
Speaker 1: O why leave now? I just got here.
Speaker 3: I got a fancy suits and a new set, and
Speaker 3: I learned how to pronounce.
Speaker 1: Your name Bayner. Now, now, I know this wasn't the
Speaker 1: biggest news of the weekend.
Speaker 3: I mean there was huge news out there, blood red Moon,
Speaker 3: the tragic Fetti WAP accident hashtag pray for Fetti, and
Speaker 3: of course the Mets made the playoffs.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know what that is, but John told
Speaker 1: me it would work.
Speaker 3: Now to understand why Bena leaving is such a big deal,
Speaker 3: you have to understand what a big deal Bena was.
Speaker 11: The Speaker controls the floor of the House, and you
Speaker 11: can't bring anything up without really his say.
Speaker 1: So that's right.
Speaker 3: You cannot make it lay in America without the Speaker's approval.
Speaker 3: John Bayna has final say about which laws come in
Speaker 3: and which laws don't. He's basically the bouncer at Club Congress,
Speaker 3: which is probably the worst club ever. I mean, yeah,
Speaker 3: first of all, there's hardly any woman in the club.
Speaker 3: There's always a bunch of old guys talking about laying pipe.
Speaker 3: Oh and and everyone at the club has aids. That's uh, aids,
Speaker 3: the people that help you. You are discovered two legs.
Speaker 3: To lose a speaker as effective as Bana must have
Speaker 3: been crushing for the Republicans, I mean, he helped enact
Speaker 3: budget cuts that, for the first time in decades, decreased
Speaker 3: federal spending for two years.
Speaker 1: In a row. He made most of the Bush.
Speaker 3: Tax cuts permanent, and he deports a taco Tuesdays from
Speaker 3: the cafeteria menu.
Speaker 1: You know who had a tough job.
Speaker 3: Republican candidate Marco Rubio, who had to break the bad
Speaker 3: news to a room of conservatives just.
Speaker 11: A few minutes ago Speaker Bayer announced that he will
Speaker 11: be resigning.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, that did not go how I thought.
Speaker 3: And just by the way, that that right there, that
Speaker 3: is the face of a man who's not used to
Speaker 3: getting applauds.
Speaker 1: Look at him, look at his nice He's like, what
Speaker 1: are you doing with your harms? What is going on?
Speaker 3: Well, let me explain to you, Rubio, No, they have
Speaker 3: not made you popular.
Speaker 1: Overnights.
Speaker 3: That was last weekend's value Voter Summits, a gathering of
Speaker 3: some of the radical conservatives who shut down the government
Speaker 3: over Obamacare in twenty thirteen and the same people who
Speaker 3: wanted to shut it down again overplanned parenthood this very week.
Speaker 1: And for Bner, this was the last straw.
Speaker 5: Throughout his nearly five year tenure.
Speaker 6: He struggled with a fractured and more conservative Republican caucus.
Speaker 1: Bayner has clashed with unruly hardline conservatives who felt he
Speaker 1: was too willing to compromise.
Speaker 3: What they meant is at all willing to compromise. You see,
Speaker 3: for this faction, even John Bayner, the man once ranked
Speaker 3: the eighth most conservative men and men in Congress, wasn't
Speaker 3: right wing enough. It's like a crack telling meth that
Speaker 3: is not addictive enough.
Speaker 1: Oh man, you.
Speaker 3: Gotta step your game up, Crystal, you make teeth fall out,
Speaker 3: big deal.
Speaker 1: Down Whitney Houston too soon.
Speaker 3: So the radicals finally got what they wanted. John Baina
Speaker 3: is very tan head on a plate. And now that
Speaker 3: the turmoil is all over, what.
Speaker 1: Is the results?
Speaker 3: Turmoil is going to get a lot worse and even
Speaker 3: worse climate, more.
Speaker 1: And not less confrontational.
Speaker 10: The next speaker is going to face the same problems
Speaker 10: that Bayner did.
Speaker 3: The same problems that include a hair trigger set of
Speaker 3: tear ducts that go if anytime a child picks a flower.
Speaker 3: From on this we go to Senior Congressional Correspondent Jordan Klepper.
Speaker 1: Everyone love what's next with the outgoing speaker?
Speaker 11: Look a man like Bayner is going to have a
Speaker 11: lot of options. We're down the hill as he's thinking
Speaker 11: of becoming a professional onion slicer.
Speaker 1: Obviously, he'd be great as a.
Speaker 11: Seat filler at a funeral or Claire Danes impersonator.
Speaker 3: And I guess more importantly, Jordan, what are you hearing
Speaker 3: about who will replace Bener? I mean, wow, those are
Speaker 3: big shoes to fill.
Speaker 11: Oh well, I'm sure they'll find someone extremely qualified.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, Jordan, but this is John Bayna. I mean,
Speaker 3: whoever takes that job will probably full flats on their
Speaker 3: face in front of the entire nation.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 11: I get how you're feeling. You know, taking over for
Speaker 11: John Bayner is hard. You know, it doesn't have to
Speaker 11: be a disaster.
Speaker 1: I don't know about that, Jordan.
Speaker 3: I can already hear everyone saying the thing, John please
Speaker 3: come back.
Speaker 11: Okay, yeah, sure, yes, okay, Yes, everyone's feeling nostalgia for
Speaker 11: the old leader. But maybe the new guy will surprise
Speaker 11: us and.
Speaker 1: Just crush it. You know.
Speaker 11: I feel like if he's gonna he's gonna kill it.
Speaker 11: I I bet I'll bring a new global perspective to things.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, global, What are you talking about? I just
Speaker 1: keep in global. I don't know what it means global.
Speaker 1: I hear viral and youth. I mean everything's just so new.
Speaker 11: I mean the desk is different, there's a new font.
Speaker 1: I mean, nobody asked me. Hey, Jordan, Jordan shortan Shordan.
Speaker 11: I only hope the new Speaker of the House knows
Speaker 11: that certain people are.
Speaker 1: Depending on him. Oh, I just bought a condom. Okay,
Speaker 1: what I buy? What I buy a condo?
Speaker 3: Or Calm down, Calm down, Jordan, I see what's happening.
Speaker 3: You are really intensely passionate about politics.
Speaker 1: I get it. Damn it. He's a idiot.
Speaker 11: Shit, Honey, you're gonna have to sell the condom.
Speaker 1: All right, Jordan, thanks so much for that. Jordan. Clap everyone.
Speaker 1: We'll be right back. Welcome back to the Daily Show. Now.
Speaker 3: People keep asking me if I'm going to bring more
Speaker 3: of an international perspective to the Daily Show, but I say,
Speaker 3: screw that. I'm going into planetary NASA announcing today they
Speaker 3: have proof that liquid water is flowing on the surface
Speaker 3: of Mars. You mean this, but up there, great news
Speaker 3: for NASA, depressing news for California. Don't worry, California, They'll
Speaker 3: find water on you too someday. But you know, the
Speaker 3: water isn't the exciting part. It's what the water could
Speaker 3: mean that's exciting.
Speaker 10: The discovery of a free flowing water source on the
Speaker 10: planet means that demanded mission to Mars could soon get
Speaker 10: off the ground.
Speaker 9: Yeah.
Speaker 3: A new planet to colonize, and just when we found
Speaker 3: out that Folkswagen has secretly been destroying the Earth.
Speaker 1: Perfect timing. Nicely done, guys.
Speaker 3: With more on this groundbreaking discovery, we turn to one
Speaker 3: of the Daily Show's newest correspondents at the Kennedy Space Center.
Speaker 1: Please welcome Roywood Junior. Everyone. Thanks Trevor, Roy. What can
Speaker 1: you tell us about these new developments?
Speaker 7: I can tell you that I don't give a shit.
Speaker 1: Okay, seriously, Roy, I mean this is a pretty big deal.
Speaker 7: Look, man, every couple of years on Mars, NASA finds
Speaker 7: a face in the dirt, a tire track. Now they
Speaker 7: found a little washing runoff.
Speaker 1: Water, Trevor. They want us to be excited about motherfuck.
Speaker 3: Water, Roy, Roy, Think of what water on Mars means
Speaker 3: to us here on Earth. Man, This could be a
Speaker 3: whole new inhabitable planet we could build Colin.
Speaker 7: Oh no, no, leave Mars alone, Trevor. The universe is
Speaker 7: like an apartment complex, Okay, and NASA's just going around
Speaker 7: knocking on random doors letting themselves in. What because the
Speaker 7: Fawcet works, we're allowed to live there?
Speaker 1: Look, yeah, you have with Roy? Think about this.
Speaker 3: Doesn't this raise the possibility that one day people could
Speaker 3: live on Mars?
Speaker 1: People like but me and you? How I'm gonna get there?
Speaker 1: Brother can't catch a cab. You think we can catch
Speaker 1: a stake him?
Speaker 3: No, Roy, Roy, that's wrong, that's wrong.
Speaker 1: We're deserving as anyone.
Speaker 7: Black people ain't going to Mars, and that includes you, Trevor.
Speaker 7: Oh oh oh oh you think is you on TV?
Speaker 7: They gonna take you to Mars. You've only had the
Speaker 7: Daily Show for one commercial break. These white folks ain't
Speaker 7: decided if they like you yet.
Speaker 1: I'll tell you.
Speaker 7: Though, I'll tell you what black people are going to Mars.
Speaker 7: I'll tell you's going Beyonce, Oprah and Michael Strahan.
Speaker 1: Oh wait, any Michael Strahan?
Speaker 7: White people have anything killer rippolites?
Speaker 1: I see.
Speaker 3: So, so you don't ever want to go to Mars?
Speaker 7: Okay, fine, maybe eventually, but I don't want to go first.
Speaker 7: You won't never want to be the first black person
Speaker 7: to be in a Black Pioneer is stressful. I don't
Speaker 7: want to be the Jackie Robinson of Mars. A bunch
Speaker 7: of Martians yelling the.
Speaker 1: N word at me? How did they even learn the work? Right?
Speaker 1: That's that's a mess, generous. I don't say that, Roy,
Speaker 1: That's wrong. Roy would JUNI everyone, We'll be right back.
Speaker 1: Ruscin's allowed, rightless, Roy, We're going welcome back.
Speaker 3: My guest tonight is a very funny comedian who is
Speaker 3: currently on his What Now Comedy Tour. The tour will
Speaker 3: go international beginning in January. His new film Right Along
Speaker 3: To will also be out in January. Please welcome Kevin Harts.
Speaker 1: How are you, man? That's a hello, Hello, thank you.
Speaker 1: I've brought you. I've brought you a gift, man. Yes, man,
Speaker 1: I'm a classy guy. It's your first show kicked off.
Speaker 1: Open it up. That's a nice gift.
Speaker 5: Open it that's a nice gift.
Speaker 1: No one's ever brought me a gift. You open it
Speaker 1: up first, to stop opening like, you're not from the States.
Speaker 1: What is this? What it open?
Speaker 11: Man?
Speaker 3: Yeah? There you go.
Speaker 2: Those are times, man, some time I was like you
Speaker 2: wearing a lot of suits you need some times.
Speaker 1: I got your time. Yeah, that's a thoughtful gift. I
Speaker 1: thought it was real good.
Speaker 7: I expected a bigger reaction whatever, you know.
Speaker 2: I thought you would give me a lot more than
Speaker 2: what you gave.
Speaker 3: It's okay, Thank you, Kevin.
Speaker 1: Well, I'm kind of you know what. I thought she
Speaker 1: was gonna dance or something. That's all right, good. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much for being here. Thank you man, Thank
Speaker 1: you for having This is.
Speaker 3: Exciting, man, this is you know what's weird for me?
Speaker 1: Is I mean I fell in love with real husbands
Speaker 1: of Hollywood. Oh, thank you man, thank you.
Speaker 3: And then and then I like, now it's like, are
Speaker 3: you still a mitch?
Speaker 2: Am I still a mitch? For those people who don't know,
Speaker 2: mitch is a is a male term.
Speaker 1: For a bitch.
Speaker 2: I didn't know if you guys knew it or not. Yes,
Speaker 2: of course I am, man. I have a lot of
Speaker 2: mitch ways that are still with me that I don't
Speaker 2: plan on getting rid of any time soon.
Speaker 5: So yes, I am very much a male bitch.
Speaker 1: Yes me, I love how your own best. I don't
Speaker 1: know if that's true anymore.
Speaker 3: I honestly don't know if that's true. You're a comedic
Speaker 3: rock star. Now that's exactly what you are. I see
Speaker 3: you on Instagram. You're doing You're doing crazy push ups,
Speaker 3: you're doing you you old ripped.
Speaker 1: Up looks amazing. Yeah, your body looks amazing.
Speaker 3: Your body looks amazing, and you're an action star right along.
Speaker 1: I was. That was the first time.
Speaker 3: I sure you hyping that, but I didn't know you
Speaker 3: would actually become an action.
Speaker 1: An action start.
Speaker 2: Yes, I'm a firm believer and I can do whatever
Speaker 2: I put my mind to.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 2: Uh, I think comedy is something that opened up a
Speaker 2: lot of doors. And those doors that I chose to
Speaker 2: walk through were joys, were joyous. I was like, oh
Speaker 2: my god, I get to go in action movies. Oh
Speaker 2: my god, I get to do comedy. I get to
Speaker 2: work in drama.
Speaker 1: The hype thing was always my concern, Like, I don't,
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't know what you're talking about. I
Speaker 1: have no idea what you're talking about.
Speaker 2: You know, Hey, height is a perception, it's what you think.
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't. I don't believe it, you know,
Speaker 1: I don't.
Speaker 7: I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't ever believe it.
Speaker 2: Somebody actually told me one day it was like, man,
Speaker 2: you're a lot smaller than I thought you was. And
Speaker 2: I was like, what that means is you're thinking wrong.
Speaker 2: You know, that's not my problem.
Speaker 3: That's your problem, man, And it's not a problem because
Speaker 3: now you're going all over the wall.
Speaker 1: Man the water now. I mean that was insane, just
Speaker 1: comic to comic.
Speaker 3: Now, forming in front of wall is fifty four thousand
Speaker 3: people in fifty three, fifty three.
Speaker 2: Thousand people, I sold out a football stadium in Philadelphia,
Speaker 2: the first comedian to ever do thank you?
Speaker 1: How do you do? How do you tell a joke?
Speaker 3: Because I've performed to fifty three people before and I
Speaker 3: don't know, Like no, but how do you How do
Speaker 3: you tell a joke and a crowd that.
Speaker 5: You know what it is?
Speaker 1: Man?
Speaker 2: I mean, it's the same that you're doing today. I
Speaker 2: think any environment that you put yourself in as a
Speaker 2: comedian is your job to make that environment as intimate
Speaker 2: as possible. I'm a storyteller. I paint pictures. When you
Speaker 2: look at these pictures and you grasp what I'm saying,
Speaker 2: you find yourself relating to them. So, regardless of his
Speaker 2: an audience of five thousand, ten thousand, and fifty three thousand.
Speaker 2: My message is still the same. I think that's what
Speaker 2: makes me unique. Let's just stop for a second. In
Speaker 2: the dress.
Speaker 5: How well spoken that thing.
Speaker 1: I want to say.
Speaker 3: I want to say that sounded that sounded like a
Speaker 3: motivational speech.
Speaker 1: That was like a president. That's what that sounded like.
Speaker 1: Understanding Like wow. I was like, Wow, this is really
Speaker 1: going good.
Speaker 10: That was that was nice.
Speaker 1: That was nice. You're waiting for it to stop, and
Speaker 1: it never stopped. It just kept on going. I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm pulling this out. Myse's working. It is working. Let's
Speaker 1: talk about the tour man. You're going You're going international.
Speaker 1: I am this is big.
Speaker 3: You're going out in January, going everywhere including South Africa.
Speaker 2: Your negative woods Man, Johannesburg. I'm going to Cape Town.
Speaker 2: I'm going to Durban the.
Speaker 1: First time out there. This is my first time. You're excited.
Speaker 2: I'm very excited touring the world making movies, sir, with
Speaker 2: a rock star body as well. Yeah, yeah, it's really beautiful.
Speaker 1: Have you seen my pants?
Speaker 5: That's a strike?
Speaker 1: Can you guys get this on my pants? Yeah?
Speaker 5: It's a stripe?
Speaker 2: Yeah I don't know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just started wearing it.
Speaker 3: This is my first time a rock starck comedian and
Speaker 3: the stripe man.
Speaker 1: Thank thank you so much for coming me. I appreciate you.
Speaker 1: I appreciate what you stand for, what you're doing out there.
Speaker 3: The most important thing for me, and this is one
Speaker 3: thing I want to ask you about before you leave,
Speaker 3: is why the running?
Speaker 1: Why is that so important to you? The working out?
Speaker 1: I'm big on health, man.
Speaker 2: I feel like I put a major demand on my body,
Speaker 2: so I need my body to respond.
Speaker 1: Why do you make everyone run with you?
Speaker 2: Because here's what I've learned. Here's what I've learned. I've
Speaker 2: learned that I have a platform where I can motivate
Speaker 2: and inspire.
Speaker 1: And what better way to do that than running.
Speaker 2: Running is something that everybody can do all over the world,
Speaker 2: regardless of race, shape, and size. You can all do
Speaker 2: it together. It brings people closer together. And I've done
Speaker 2: it a great job doing it. I mean these runs
Speaker 2: now got to the point where I got five to
Speaker 2: seven thousand people were out running five k's with me.
Speaker 2: And it will get global, it will get bigger, it
Speaker 2: will get better, man, We'll get global.
Speaker 4: Man working Out kicks off internationally on January twentieth.
Speaker 3: And matches Stinging right along too again. Sis January fifteenth, Kevin.
Speaker 1: Hart, everyone, forge, thank you very much.
Speaker 3: That's our show showing us tomorrow nights at eleven now here.
Speaker 1: It is your moments of Zen.
Speaker 11: I've heard you speak glowingly of him.
Speaker 1: I've heard you express disappointment as well. Are you going
Speaker 1: to miss him? Well?
Speaker 6: I am.
Speaker 7: No one thing.
Speaker 5: I respect my colleagues.
Speaker 3: Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
Speaker 3: searching The Daily Show wherever you.
Speaker 1: Get your podcasts.
Speaker 3: Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central
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Speaker 1: This has been a Comedy Central podcast