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Speaker 1: Mental health is now talked about more than ever, which

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Speaker 1: is awesome. I mean, I don't have to tell you

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Speaker 1: a day to day basis, many people don't know where

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Speaker 1: and generally feel better in your daily life. So many

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Speaker 1: my seven minute daily series to help you live more

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Speaker 1: Forward slash jay for forty percent off. Calm your Mind,

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Speaker 1: Change your life now. I'm not saying this to make

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Speaker 1: you feel down about the fact that there isn't someone

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Speaker 1: there for you. I'm saying it because I want us

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Speaker 1: to live in reality more than I want us to

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Speaker 1: live in imagination. We believe that this fake person is

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Speaker 1: out there because it's comforting, and what that stops us

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Speaker 1: from doing is dealing with the real person in front

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Speaker 1: of us, who presents real opportunities and real challenges.

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Speaker 2: The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Setti.

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Speaker 1: Jay Shetty, Sez Jet. Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.

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Speaker 1: It's your host, Jay Chetty, and I am so grateful

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Speaker 1: and so thankful that you're here right now. It is

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Speaker 1: incredible that you've chosen to invest in your health, your happiness,

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Speaker 1: and your healing by tuning in to On Purpose. And

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Speaker 1: thank you so much to each of you that have

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Speaker 1: left a review, shared it with a friend, or are

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Speaker 1: listening every single day now. I'm sure you've heard people

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Speaker 1: in your life or a friend of family member, someone

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Speaker 1: you know say something like, ah, it was right person,

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Speaker 1: wrong time. Right, he was the right guy, it was

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Speaker 1: just bad timing, or she was perfect, it just didn't

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Speaker 1: make sense right now. And this idea of there being

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Speaker 1: a right person at the wrong time has kind of

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Speaker 1: become culturally quite a big thing. We saw it in

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Speaker 1: movies like La La Land, where you look at Emma

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Speaker 1: Stone's character and Ryan Gosling's character who you know you

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Speaker 1: want them to be together. You're yearning for them to

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Speaker 1: be together, You're dreaming for them to be together. They

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Speaker 1: seem destined to be together, and yet it was right person,

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Speaker 1: wrong time. And today I want to break that down

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Speaker 1: because I've been thinking about it a lot, and I've

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Speaker 1: been talking to a lot of my friends. I've been

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Speaker 1: listening to a lot of you. I've been talking to

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Speaker 1: a lot of experts on the show, and it's pretty

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Speaker 1: clear that most of them agree that there's no such

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Speaker 1: thing as the right person at the wrong time.

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Speaker 2: I know it's painful to hear it.

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Speaker 1: I know it's uncomfortable to hear it, and I know

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Speaker 1: some of you right now are saying, no, Jay, what

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Speaker 1: are you saying? But I promise you that it's not

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Speaker 1: a hopeless thing for me to say. It's actually going

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Speaker 1: to redirect your mind in a healthy way. So when

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Speaker 1: you say there's right person, wrong time, it's often something

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Speaker 1: we say to make ourselves feel better about the one

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Speaker 1: that got away. Oh yeah, they were the one that

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Speaker 1: got away. They were amazing, Oh they were so special,

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Speaker 1: that could have been amazing, Or we say it to

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Speaker 1: make ourselves feel better about an inconvenient truth.

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Speaker 2: We don't want to accept.

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Speaker 1: We don't want to accept that we were in a

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Speaker 1: bad place, that they were in a bad place. We

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Speaker 1: don't want to accept that there wasn't this perfect relationship

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Speaker 1: out there, and so we can't accept that inconvenient truth,

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Speaker 1: and we keep saying it to us. Oh, they were

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Speaker 1: just the right person at the wrong time. I'm sure

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Speaker 1: you've all said people in your life maybe say hey,

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Speaker 1: I miss my ex. You know, they were amazing or like,

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Speaker 1: or like even though they were bad, like they weren't

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Speaker 1: that bad, Like they were actually great. Wait a minute,

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Speaker 1: the one that treated you badly. Wait a minute, the

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Speaker 1: one that you always used to complain, that made you

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Speaker 1: feel insecure. Wait, you're talking about the one that never

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Speaker 1: showed up on time and canceled on you. Wait you're

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Speaker 1: talking about the one that cheated on you. Like, you know,

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Speaker 1: it's literally that bad sometimes and we convince ourselves that

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Speaker 1: there was a right person at the wrong time. Nostalgia

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Speaker 1: is really really interesting, and it does one of two things.

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Speaker 1: In some cases, it makes the past seem worse, but

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Speaker 1: in most cases it makes the past seem better. It

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Speaker 1: amplifies the good stuff and it overshadows the negativity, the stress,

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Speaker 1: the overwhelm, and the challenges we felt back then. So

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Speaker 1: I wanted to do a bit of understanding about this

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Speaker 1: because I think we have a pretty weak understanding of nostalgia.

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Speaker 1: And if you talk to most people, they'll say their

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Speaker 1: favorite experiences are from college. Their past experiences were better,

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Speaker 1: their relationships were amazing, like we often look at our

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Speaker 1: past through rose tinted glasses. Now I'm reading this from

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Speaker 1: a couple of references. The first is from the memory

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Speaker 1: and reward systems co produced nostalgic experiences in the brain.

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Speaker 1: This is twenty sixteen July from no Riuchi. And then

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Speaker 1: I'm also reading from Barrett's. These are two journals that

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Speaker 1: I found through neurology live so nostalgic experiences stimulate metabolic

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Speaker 1: activity and blood flow in several regions of the brain. Interestingly,

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Speaker 1: people who rated higher on the Effective Neuroscience Personality Scale,

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Speaker 1: which measures a person's tendency to sadness, were more prone

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Speaker 1: to experience nostalgia. This correlation does make sense, as people

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Speaker 1: who generally experience stronger emotions should experience a range of

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Speaker 1: powerful feelings, whether those emotions are happy or sad, But

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Speaker 1: nostalgia itself is not linked with depression or any other

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Speaker 1: effective disorder. In fact, one study linked nostalgia to an

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Speaker 1: overall trait of resilience. So nostalgia is something that we

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Speaker 1: used positively, but it can be positive emotionally, but it

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Speaker 1: can set us on the wrong path mentally as we

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Speaker 1: make decisions.

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Speaker 2: So let me explain to you why.

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Speaker 1: Nostalgia feels good from that neuroscience perspective, The reward centers

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Speaker 1: of the brain are activated during nostalgia activity. This reward

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Speaker 1: center involvement explains the very common phenomena of feeling pleasant

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Speaker 1: emotions upon hearing a song from the past, even if

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Speaker 1: the song was not necessarily a favorite song at the

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Speaker 1: time it was prevalent in popular culture or in a

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Speaker 1: person's life. Now, listen to this. This is the most

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Speaker 1: interesting part to me. The positive responses evoked by nostalgia

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Speaker 1: can help protect people from emotional burden of a situational

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Speaker 1: disappointment and even from anxiety. That's exactly what we're talking

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Speaker 1: about here, that there has been a situational disappointment and

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Speaker 1: the feeling that we look on it positively. Oh right person,

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Speaker 1: wrong time. It actually emotionally protects us, but that doesn't

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Speaker 1: make us make good decisions. We can often live in

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Speaker 1: the past. We can linger on and make a relationship

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Speaker 1: last too long. We can feel that we missed out

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Speaker 1: on something and that it got away. We can feel

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Speaker 1: that anything we experienced today isn't good enough, it's not

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Speaker 1: the same. When used as a coping strategy, a person

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Speaker 1: can deliberately trigger feelings of nostalgia by listening to familiar music,

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Speaker 1: looking at old photos, or visiting comforting environments of the past.

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Speaker 1: And this is one of the reasons why I think

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Speaker 1: it's so if effective when people use a burn box

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Speaker 1: to burn old memories. I remember Nessa Barrett talking about

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Speaker 1: that on the podcast. She has a song called burn Box,

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Speaker 1: and this idea of like, you don't want to hold

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Speaker 1: on to those memories, You don't want to keep them

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Speaker 1: present for you to keep creating or recreating nostalgia for you.

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Speaker 1: And this is where the study gets really, really interesting.

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Speaker 1: Nostalgia can be so easily provoked that it is possible

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Speaker 1: to become addicted to the pleasure of nostalgia, just as

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Speaker 1: a person can become addicted to any activity that stimulates

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Speaker 1: the reward centers of the brain. Nostalgia can be used

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Speaker 1: excessively as a crutch, and the positive feelings of nostalgia

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Speaker 1: may serve as a substitute for living in the present

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Speaker 1: day if current real life troubles take more effort than

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Speaker 1: a person can tolerate. Oh my gosh, Like I'm reading

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Speaker 1: this and I'm hoping you are having the same reaction

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Speaker 1: as me, going wow, I get it. I get what

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Speaker 1: I'm doing to myself using the right person, wrong time

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Speaker 1: as a way of making up for the fact that

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Speaker 1: dating is hard right now, as a way of making

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Speaker 1: up for the fact that things aren't going great right now.

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Speaker 1: And hey, in the short term, it's a great way

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Speaker 1: of staying positive and keeping up beat. The long term,

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Speaker 1: it's letting me down. It's making me turn away great

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Speaker 1: relationship prospects. It's making me judge people differently. It's making

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Speaker 1: me close the door on other people that actually deserve

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Speaker 1: a chance. Like, where is nostalgia tripping you up? Now?

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Speaker 1: I want to give you a kind of light example

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Speaker 1: to do with this. If you look at where we

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Speaker 1: are in society today, there are so many reboots, right

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Speaker 1: so we had a reboot or ip based on the past.

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Speaker 2: You have the Barbie movie. Amazing movie, great movie.

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Speaker 1: But again we're using IP from the past because it

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Speaker 1: sparks nostalgia. How many of you watched that and had

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Speaker 1: a nostalgic feeling if you happen to own a Barbie

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Speaker 1: or again, now Mario Brothers.

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Speaker 2: Same thing.

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Speaker 1: I remember back in the day having to go to

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Speaker 1: my friend's house to play on their Nintendo and the

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Speaker 1: Super Mario's Brothers movie comes out, and all of a sudden,

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Speaker 1: it's past IP being rebooted. You've got the Pinocchio remake,

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Speaker 1: You've got all the live action movies coming out, You've

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Speaker 1: got the Sex and the City reboots. So there's an

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Speaker 1: interesting thing in society where we have all these reboots

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Speaker 1: that are often based on or not often based always

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Speaker 1: based on playing on nostalgia and triggering positive nostalgic feelings.

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Speaker 1: But guess what is the reboot ever that good? Is

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Speaker 1: the use of an old ip ever a satisfying Will

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Speaker 1: the new Jurassic Park ever be as good as the

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Speaker 1: original one? Like? It won't, And there's something in that,

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Speaker 1: like there's this false excitement that we have, but it

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Speaker 1: doesn't actually follow through. And a lot of us this

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Speaker 1: other study from Yang and Bacho says that we aren't

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Speaker 1: just longing for our past, we're remembering a romanticized version

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Speaker 1: of our past. This line in the study completely sums

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Speaker 1: up what I'm trying to say, that we're not just

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Speaker 1: longing for our past, we're remembering a romanticized version of

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Speaker 1: our past. According to Bacho, there's a reason our memories

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Speaker 1: become fonder over time, why the negative bits tend to

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Speaker 1: fade away faster. The study says, take parenthood for example,

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Speaker 1: remembering things is better than they were serves an evolutionary purpose.

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Speaker 1: If people were to remember things faithfully to the original,

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Speaker 1: most women would never want to have more than one child,

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Speaker 1: Bacho says, laughing. It's a function of species survival that

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Speaker 1: we can gloss over the bad portions of the past.

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Speaker 1: So nostalgia's great as a temporary escape during difficult times,

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Speaker 1: but if it becomes the of our decision making, we

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Speaker 1: can actually be let down the wrong path. And I

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Speaker 1: want to focus on this statement right person, wrong time.

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Speaker 1: It wasn't the wrong time. There was something else that

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Speaker 1: was wrong. One of the first things I want to

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Speaker 1: talk about is what about your relationship status? What about

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Speaker 1: their relationship status? Maybe they just got out of a relationship.

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Speaker 1: Maybe they'd been single for too long. Now we look

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Speaker 1: at that as wrong time, but that's far more defining

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Speaker 1: of that person than we give it credit to be.

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Speaker 1: If someone's been single for a long time, that's a

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Speaker 1: part of who they are. It's a part of who

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Speaker 1: they've become. If someone's newly single, that's a part of

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Speaker 1: who they are and where they are in their emotional

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Speaker 1: maturity to be able to spot an amazing opportunity for

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Speaker 1: it to be the right thing. Now, I'm not saying

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Speaker 1: this to make you feel down about the fact that

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Speaker 1: there isn't someone there for you. I'm saying it because

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Speaker 1: I want us to live in reality more than I

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Speaker 1: want us to live in imagination. We believe that this

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Speaker 1: fake person is out there because it's comforting, and what

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Speaker 1: that stops us from doing is dealing with the real

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Speaker 1: person in front of us, who presents real opportunities and

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Speaker 1: real challenges.

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Speaker 2: That's really what life is. That's what a partner is.

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Speaker 1: It's a set of pros and a set of cons

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Speaker 1: It's a set of things to look forward to in

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Speaker 1: a list of things that will set us back. So

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Speaker 1: I want you to think about the relationship status part

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Speaker 1: if someone is just newly single and you're scared of

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Speaker 1: rushing them along instead of saying right person, wrong time,

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Speaker 1: and moving on, can you be more patient? Maybe you

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Speaker 1: do want to get married, but maybe they need time.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you don't rush it. If they're worth investing in,

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Speaker 1: maybe they could be the right person. If you didn't

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Speaker 1: have this idea of right person, wrong time because you

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Speaker 1: wanted everything to perfectly align. What else about their relationship

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Speaker 1: status that you're in. You don't want to rush yourself,

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Speaker 1: You don't want to move along now. Of course, if

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Speaker 1: the conclusion you both come to is we're both not

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Speaker 1: ready right now to wait longer for the other person,

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Speaker 1: then that's not the right person, and that's okay. It

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you don't deserve love. It doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: you won't find love. It doesn't mean that you won't

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Speaker 1: have the opportunity to be in love. But what it

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Speaker 1: does mean says the wrong person and the timing is

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Speaker 1: somewhat not relevant. Recently, I became a relationship advisor at

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Speaker 1: Match because I really want people to connect based on

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Speaker 1: their values. So what we did together was we collaborated

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Speaker 1: and built a set of questions that will help you

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Speaker 1: understand your values and pair you up with people with

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Speaker 1: similar values and in a way that you can be

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Speaker 1: aware of what their priorities are. I think so often

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Speaker 1: we start dating and then we find out down the

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Speaker 1: line that we're going in different directions, we have different focuses.

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Speaker 1: I want to help you build a life where you're

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Speaker 1: aware of what people care about and they're aware about

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Speaker 1: what you care about. Head over out to match dot Com,

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Speaker 1: forward slash j to find out how you can date

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Speaker 1: based on your values and your vision. I want to

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Speaker 1: talk about goals. I think we saw that in La

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Speaker 1: La Land, where they had different goals. And goals is

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Speaker 1: a really interesting thing because in a healthy relationship, it's

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Speaker 1: not that you're going to find someone with the same goals.

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Speaker 1: It's actually that you're going to find someone who respects

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Speaker 1: your goals and values them and helps you get to

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Speaker 1: them and the other person does the same. I have

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Speaker 1: a lot of friends who are performers, speakers, musicians, and

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Speaker 1: they're all saying, well, why is my partner not in

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Speaker 1: the front row right?

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Speaker 2: Why is my partner not in the front row?

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Speaker 1: And maybe their partner has their own dreams that keep

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Speaker 1: them active. At the same time, I mean, you know,

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Speaker 1: talking about pop culture. I think you see it right

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Speaker 1: now with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, Like both of

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Speaker 1: them are high performers, both of them are achieving. I'm

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Speaker 1: sure they can't be at every single game. She can't

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Speaker 1: be at every game and he can't be at every concert,

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Speaker 1: but they're making it work by saying, I see that

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Speaker 1: that's what makes you happy. I see that that's what

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Speaker 1: makes you you. I see that that's what makes you attractive.

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Speaker 1: And I'm going to show up for you when I can.

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Speaker 1: It will even perform together when we can, like we'll

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Speaker 1: make it happen. But I'm not going to make you

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Speaker 1: give up the thing you love in order for us

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Speaker 1: to have the same goals, in order for us to

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Speaker 1: have the same priorities. And so it's interesting we've kind

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Speaker 1: of been presented this either or where it's like you

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Speaker 1: either both sacrifice your goals for each other or one

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Speaker 1: of you sacrifices their goals for the other while one

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Speaker 1: of them lives them through. And in reality, a healthy

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Speaker 1: relationship is saying, well, I'm not going to let you

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Speaker 1: sacrifice your goals and I'm not going to sacrifice mine.

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Speaker 1: And yes we may spend a little less time with

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Speaker 1: each other, but I know you support me deeply. I

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Speaker 1: don't need you to be in the front row to

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Speaker 1: know I'm front of.

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Speaker 2: Mind for you.

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Speaker 1: I don't need you to be cheering me on right now,

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Speaker 1: because I know you're going to be there to cheer

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Speaker 1: me on in and around that area, in and around

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Speaker 1: that activity. And I think so many of us can

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Speaker 1: lose a great relationship because we think, oh well, our

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Speaker 1: goals have to perfectly match, Our goals have to perfectly align.

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Speaker 2: Now.

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Speaker 1: Another area is trauma. A lot of people today say

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Speaker 1: I want to be with someone who's gone to therapy.

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Speaker 1: They have to be focused on healing. The truth is,

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Speaker 1: we don't know when someone's healing journey is going to start,

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Speaker 1: and we don't know when ours is going to end.

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Speaker 1: Let me say that again. You don't know when someone's

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Speaker 1: healing journey is going to start, and you don't know

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Speaker 1: when your healing journey is going to end. Feel that

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Speaker 1: you've done a lot of healing and something next to

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Speaker 1: you could trigger a new reason to heal. And someone

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Speaker 1: else may have gone to therapy for years and they

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Speaker 1: may actually be in a peaceful place right now. The

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Speaker 1: right person will heal themselves as they watch you heal.

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Speaker 1: The right person will be patient with you as you

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Speaker 1: are patient with them. The right person will make time

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Speaker 1: and space for what you need as you make time

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Speaker 1: and space for them. The right person will not be

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Speaker 1: the person who's perfectly healed, because neither are we. The

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Speaker 1: right person will not be the person who's already done

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Speaker 1: all the self work before they met us, because we've

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Speaker 1: also got so much self work left. If anything, the

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Speaker 1: right person becomes our partner in the journey of healing

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Speaker 1: and self work. In the journey of inner work, we

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Speaker 1: become companions and partners who understand each other, see each other,

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Speaker 1: hear each other. And that's not perfect. This is an ideal.

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Speaker 1: This is conflict. This is hard, this is heavy, it's challenging,

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Speaker 1: but it's what builds greatness in a partnership. There's this

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Speaker 1: old story about rocks that are put into a bag,

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Speaker 1: and when the bag is moved, the rocks rub against

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Speaker 1: each other slowly to become softer edged. The rocks didn't

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Speaker 1: become softer because they were made softer independently. They became

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Speaker 1: softer because there was conflict and tension between the rocks.

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Speaker 1: But they eventually softened each other out. That's what the

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Speaker 1: right relationship will do. In the right relationship, your fights

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Speaker 1: will make you closer, your arguments will make you more thoughtful,

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Speaker 1: your disagreements will make you more considerate, and words you

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Speaker 1: wish you never said will make you more mindful. That's

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Speaker 1: what happens now a lot of us. The next one

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Speaker 1: is we live in a state of they were the

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Speaker 1: right person at the wrong time because we saw their potential,

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Speaker 1: we saw what they could be, we saw what we

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Speaker 1: wanted them to be. And really what it was is

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Speaker 1: they were who they were, but we had this imagined

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Speaker 1: version of who they could be, should be, would be. Again,

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Speaker 1: they weren't the right person because the right person was

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Speaker 1: what you dreamed up in your potential person, the real person.

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Speaker 1: And that's why I almost want to get away from

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Speaker 1: this language of the right person.

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Speaker 2: It's the real person.

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Speaker 1: We're dealing with real people, and the right person will

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Speaker 1: be the person you want to make it right with.

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Speaker 1: The right person will be the person who you choose

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Speaker 1: to do the right thing for and they choose to

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Speaker 1: do the right thing for you. That's the right person,

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Speaker 1: which is a real person. I think we've kind of

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Speaker 1: made it so that, oh, the right person will be

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Speaker 1: all these things. And I'm like, the real person will

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Speaker 1: be all those things in a whole set of other things. Right,

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Speaker 1: that's the real person. The right person in your head

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Speaker 1: only is your perfect checklist. And I promise you you

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Speaker 1: meet people who have that checklist and they have everything

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Speaker 1: else as well, and because they have all these other

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Speaker 1: things that you didn't have on your checklist that you

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Speaker 1: don't recognize, you write them off as the wrong person.

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Speaker 1: It's funny how we write people off as the wrong

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Speaker 1: person because they have everything we want, but they come

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Speaker 1: with a lot more baggage as well. And that's the

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Speaker 1: real situation that we're in a couple more things that

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Speaker 1: I want us to focus on because it's not time.

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Speaker 1: So it's right person but real goals, right person but

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Speaker 1: real trauma, right person but real relationship status, right person

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Speaker 1: but real all no potential or potential, right person and

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Speaker 1: real standards. Sometimes our expectations get the better of us.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes someone wants us to lower our standards beneath what

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Speaker 1: we deserve. Neither make someone the right person. And it's

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Speaker 1: amazing how in the rear view mirror everything looks more beautiful.

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Speaker 1: Everything looks more amazing. Everything looks like it was more exciting.

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Speaker 1: And I think a big part of this is because

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Speaker 1: there's a part of us that loves that feeling, and

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Speaker 1: a peaceful, healthy relationship doesn't provide that spark. I think

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Speaker 1: a lot of people who are in happy, healthy, right person,

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Speaker 1: right time relationships, real person relationships, find peace more than pleasure.

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Speaker 1: And I think the problem is people think a peaceful

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Speaker 1: relationship is a relationship, and that's not true. A peaceful

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Speaker 1: relationship is a relationship where you're not creating drama and

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Speaker 1: neither are they, where you're both not triggered over petty things,

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Speaker 1: where you both don't make something out of nothing to

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Speaker 1: fight for each other's attention, where you're not playing games

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Speaker 1: or manipulating in order to get someone's validation, where you

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Speaker 1: actually communicate honestly about what you want. And the funny

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Speaker 1: thing is we will say we want this, but we

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Speaker 1: won't behave that way with the person. So I want

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Speaker 1: you to really take this episode in because it's a

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Speaker 1: reality check, and the reality check is to encourage you

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Speaker 1: to say, let's stop thinking about the right person and

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Speaker 1: let's look at real people. What does a real person have?

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Speaker 1: What does a real person come with, and a real

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Speaker 1: person comes with all these things. But love is saying,

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Speaker 1: can we take all of that into account and make

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Speaker 1: it make sense? And if we can't, let's not glorify

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Speaker 1: or put that person on a pedestal for the rest

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Speaker 1: of time because it makes us feel better. Let's actually

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Speaker 1: say it didn't wasn't the right person, And I'm going

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Speaker 1: to keep looking for that real person that I can

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Speaker 1: connect with. I really hope that you'll share this episode

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Speaker 1: with a friend. I hope it will help clarify so

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Speaker 1: much of our mind and brain works and makes decisions,

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Speaker 1: and I hope it's going to make you more open, curious,

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Speaker 1: and positive about dating. I'm so excited for you and

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Speaker 1: forever in your corner and always rooting for you. Thanks

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Speaker 1: for listening. If you love this episode, you're going to

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Speaker 1: love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get

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Speaker 1: over your ex and find true love in your relationships.

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Speaker 1: People should be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion

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Speaker 1: to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to

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Speaker 1: your future self is doing something that gives him or

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Speaker 1: her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.