Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode. Today we are
Speaker 1: going to be talking about closure, what it is, what
Speaker 1: it isn't It's very elusive nature, whether we need it,
Speaker 1: and how to find your self closure without needing another
Speaker 1: person's input or needing someone to have all the answers
Speaker 1: for you. Closure, I think is such an interesting concept
Speaker 1: in our twenties because there are so many storylines that
Speaker 1: we will live out, so many relationships and situations that
Speaker 1: will not have a neat conclusion, as much as we
Speaker 1: might want them to. Not every relationship is going to
Speaker 1: finish on a good note. Of course, when I talk
Speaker 1: about closure, most of us do think about relationships. We
Speaker 1: think about love. We think about that period after a
Speaker 1: relationship ends where we are left with thousands of questions,
Speaker 1: did they really love me? What did I do wrong?
Speaker 1: What do they think of me, now, why was I
Speaker 1: not enough? Honestly, the list is endless, and I think
Speaker 1: their need for closure is a lot like grief. It
Speaker 1: is lost or misplaced love, a love that really lingers on.
Speaker 1: But beyond those romantic relationships, we can also require closure
Speaker 1: at the end of platonic relationships and friendships. I think
Speaker 1: friendships always seem to be painted is less important by
Speaker 1: our society, something that we just expect to follow along
Speaker 1: with us in life, whilst our romantic relationships are really
Speaker 1: the main attraction. But I really do truly believe that
Speaker 1: they can hurt so deeply when they come to an end,
Speaker 1: probably because we never expect our friendships to end in
Speaker 1: that way. We never expect to go through a friendship
Speaker 1: breakup or you know, I've heard so many stories of
Speaker 1: lifelong friendships where the other person suddenly goes the friend
Speaker 1: or goes completely silent, or friendship breakups that are so
Speaker 1: much worse than the heartbreak that we experience from romantic relationships.
Speaker 1: When we are that connected with someone, when we spend
Speaker 1: so much time with them, we bond over everything, We
Speaker 1: talk all the time. Seeing those connections, whether they are
Speaker 1: platonic or romantic, seeing them crumble is really upsetting, especially
Speaker 1: when we are left feeling very confused and unable to
Speaker 1: seek clarity. In those moments, we want closure. We feel
Speaker 1: like it is the only thing that will help us
Speaker 1: come to terms with these events. But although we might
Speaker 1: want closure, do we really need it as much as
Speaker 1: we think we do? And when we say that we're
Speaker 1: looking for closure, what exactly does that entail? And is
Speaker 1: it maybe slightly naive for us to think that the
Speaker 1: person who caused us so much pain and disappointment is
Speaker 1: going to be the same person who can provide us
Speaker 1: with the answers that will let us heal. I don't
Speaker 1: necessarily think so, So that's really what I want to
Speaker 1: focus on in today's episode. Do we need someone else
Speaker 1: to provide us with closure or can we provide it
Speaker 1: for ourselves? I think that my opinion is quite obvious.
Speaker 1: But before we get into that, let's look into some
Speaker 1: of the psychological origins of this concept of closure and
Speaker 1: make sure that our the foundations of our understanding are strong.
Speaker 1: Cure essentially refers to our need to make sense of
Speaker 1: a situation and feel like it has a solid conclusion.
Speaker 1: In psychology, the need for closure is seen as a
Speaker 1: motivation to find an answer to an ambiguous situation because
Speaker 1: as humans, as we know, we are not particularly good
Speaker 1: at navigating uncertainty. So this motivation to find an answer
Speaker 1: it is enhanced by what we see as the benefits
Speaker 1: of this right, so an increased ability to predict what
Speaker 1: might happen, being able to remove some of those fears,
Speaker 1: feeling certain of where we stand with someone. Really it's
Speaker 1: about finding a way and finding a place for these memories,
Speaker 1: and social psychologists in particular suggests that people tend to
Speaker 1: have a need to view their relationships as a whole,
Speaker 1: that they are a complete story. They have a beginning,
Speaker 1: they have a middle, and they have an end. And
Speaker 1: when a relationship concludes, the mind seeks to fill in
Speaker 1: any gaps before moving on so that it can find
Speaker 1: that ending. In other words, we need that closure to
Speaker 1: essentially finish off the story. And when we are left
Speaker 1: without an ending, either because the relationship ended quite abruptly,
Speaker 1: we didn't see it coming. You ended on a fight
Speaker 1: that you never resolved, or there was just radio silence,
Speaker 1: we don't know where to place that memory because it
Speaker 1: still feels like it's ongoing. It's an active storyline. Our
Speaker 1: minds have this open chapter, and this lack of a
Speaker 1: conclusion keeps us going back and returning again and again
Speaker 1: and again, wanting to find more answers by searching through
Speaker 1: our memories, wanting to find a resting place for this
Speaker 1: relationship and for what it has become. We all have
Speaker 1: as humans that individual drive for closure, but that need
Speaker 1: and that drive differs between us. So mainly it differs
Speaker 1: according to intensity and the intensity of our need for closure.
Speaker 1: This depends largely on our personality. So people with that
Speaker 1: intense need for closure, they may be used to being
Speaker 1: in control and they prefer life to go as planned.
Speaker 1: They may feel really distressed by uncertainty. It might really
Speaker 1: challenge their sense of safety and well being to not
Speaker 1: have the answers to a question. And in the nineteen nineties,
Speaker 1: these three psychologists actually came up with the need for
Speaker 1: Closure scale, which can be used to really categorize people
Speaker 1: based on a number of questions and determine where we
Speaker 1: kind of all sit on this spectrum of obtaining closure,
Speaker 1: what lengths we will go to find closure at the
Speaker 1: end of a relationship or at the end of some situation.
Speaker 1: So those of us who really need closure often make
Speaker 1: a lot of assumptions or false judgments, or shut down
Speaker 1: as soon as a relationship is over in order to
Speaker 1: just provide ourselves with the ending without waiting around for
Speaker 1: someone else to come in and challenge what we feel
Speaker 1: was the reason for this relationship not working, or what
Speaker 1: we feel was the reason that this had to end.
Speaker 1: The answers that we come up with the conclusion that
Speaker 1: we reach it's might you know, it might not be
Speaker 1: entirely correct, it might be based on a lot of
Speaker 1: false premises, but at least in our minds, the story
Speaker 1: is over. We have a nice bookend to this relationship,
Speaker 1: to this situation. In contrast, sometimes we observe individuals who
Speaker 1: avoid closure almost as a way to continue to suspend
Speaker 1: the relationship in space and time. So the movie Five
Speaker 1: Hundred Days of Summer if if you've seen it, and
Speaker 1: if you haven't, you really should go and watch it.
Speaker 1: It's quite good. But this movie cult classic. It's an
Speaker 1: excellent example of someone who does not have a high
Speaker 1: need for closure, in fact avoids closure. So Tom, the
Speaker 1: main character, he really remin suspended in the happy memories
Speaker 1: of the relationship, and he is fixated on them almost
Speaker 1: as a way to stay connected with his ex closure
Speaker 1: signifies the end. But if you are still anticipating something more,
Speaker 1: if you are unable to rectify your feelings for someone,
Speaker 1: even when you know it's time to move on, if
Speaker 1: you have these expectations that you might get back together,
Speaker 1: sometimes you actually continue to deprive yourself of closure in
Speaker 1: order to stay in the potential of the relationship. That's
Speaker 1: because our innate need to avoid closure in some of
Speaker 1: these instances is controlled by our desire to avoid the
Speaker 1: negative consequences that come along with that. So, for example,
Speaker 1: once you acknowledge that yes, this relationship is over, this
Speaker 1: person does not want to talk to me, I do
Speaker 1: not want to talk to them. Acknowledging that fully means
Speaker 1: that you have to start processing what that means for you,
Speaker 1: the pain that that might bring. So we elongate the
Speaker 1: situation in order to avoid that. There's actually another little
Speaker 1: interesting facet of this that it's kind of the fun
Speaker 1: fact for this episode. These types of people who don't
Speaker 1: really have that need for closure, they've done some studies
Speaker 1: on what that really means for the rest of their personality,
Speaker 1: and they found that in some studies conducted on the
Speaker 1: correlation between the need for closure and creativity levels. People
Speaker 1: who avoid closure are significantly more creative. Maybe that's because
Speaker 1: of their appreciation of deep emotions or the fact that
Speaker 1: they are more comfortable with things being uncertain, so they're
Speaker 1: able to transfer that uncertainty and that kind of open
Speaker 1: endedness into their art or what they're creating. So a
Speaker 1: little fun fact. That's not to say that depriving ourselves
Speaker 1: of closure, either unconsciously or not, is all good and
Speaker 1: has a lot of benefits. I actually think that a
Speaker 1: lot of us do get to a point, even if
Speaker 1: you have a low need for closure, we do get
Speaker 1: to a point where we can no longer live in
Speaker 1: the past, and maybe our lack of closure is preventing
Speaker 1: us from moving on, or it is keeping us in
Speaker 1: a very emotionally unavailable place. I think we commonly see
Speaker 1: this with people straight out of a long term relationship
Speaker 1: who actually haven't yet figured out exactly why the relationship
Speaker 1: didn't work. Because of that, they don't necessarily know what
Speaker 1: maybe needs to change. But more often than not, you
Speaker 1: still have one footstuck in that past relationship, taking up emotional, mental,
Speaker 1: and psychological space that might be better devoted for something else,
Speaker 1: not just to someone else, but for something else, and
Speaker 1: it's super frustrating. I've talked about this a bit before,
Speaker 1: but I had this weird situationship a few years back
Speaker 1: with someone and it was so emotionally exhausting, it was draining.
Speaker 1: It left me in such a bad place mentally. I
Speaker 1: had no self confidence. I could barely speak to anybody,
Speaker 1: and it took me so much time to recover and
Speaker 1: so much time to find that peace and closure that
Speaker 1: I needed, more so than when I'd ended my previous
Speaker 1: long term relationship. And the reason why was because of
Speaker 1: how many what ifs were left over, at least in
Speaker 1: my relationship. We kind of had the chance to really
Speaker 1: take this connection to its final destination, if that makes sense,
Speaker 1: Like we lived out the journey that we were meant
Speaker 1: to go on. We had tried to make it work,
Speaker 1: it didn't. There was nothing left to say, there was
Speaker 1: nothing left to do. The end of the story was
Speaker 1: written very quickly, but with that situationship, because the entire
Speaker 1: relationship had been so tumultuous, the conclusion, or what I
Speaker 1: thought was the conclusion, was equally confusing. You know, was
Speaker 1: it me? Was it him? Was it just circumstances? Was
Speaker 1: it timing. In hindsight, I really can't believe I spent
Speaker 1: so much time, so many months thinking about this person.
Speaker 1: But I also realized that there were some parts of
Speaker 1: that relationship that always meant I was never going to
Speaker 1: get the answers that I needed at the end, or
Speaker 1: so I thought. I think when we were in this
Speaker 1: moment of grief and ambiguity and sadness, we like to
Speaker 1: believe in the idea of a quick fix, and we
Speaker 1: fixate on this premise that there is something we don't
Speaker 1: know that can explain it all away and take away
Speaker 1: all these feelings. There is some answer out there that's
Speaker 1: going to make us feel better, and we place a
Speaker 1: lot of hope in someone else's ability to reach our
Speaker 1: emotional conclusions. For us, I think we obviously all need closure.
Speaker 1: It is a human need, but we don't necessarily need
Speaker 1: someone else to give it to us. Our solution to
Speaker 1: the closure problem doesn't always lie with our ex or
Speaker 1: a former friend, or any explanation that they can provide us.
Speaker 1: In fact, I think you are probably the only person
Speaker 1: who is going to be able to bring that for yourself,
Speaker 1: even if you don't realize it in the moment. In hindsight,
Speaker 1: nothing that someone else has said has made you feel
Speaker 1: any better normally. It's just that you have been able
Speaker 1: to integrate that into your idea of the relationship and
Speaker 1: your idea of the conclusion and write that ending for yourself.
Speaker 1: So there's a few reasons why I don't think that
Speaker 1: we should rely on other people to bring us closure. Firstly,
Speaker 1: their actions were in some ways the closure that you needed.
Speaker 1: Their inability to treat you with respect, or their fickleness,
Speaker 1: their inconsistency, their cruelty even at times, that is really
Speaker 1: the evidence that all along this person did not have
Speaker 1: the emotional maturity to navigate an adult relationship with you. Right,
Speaker 1: Like a lot of the time, if you are left
Speaker 1: without answers at the end of a relationship, something has
Speaker 1: kind of not gone wrong. But there is something that
Speaker 1: they could have provided you, that they could have spoken
Speaker 1: to you about along the way that they chose not to.
Speaker 1: And I think secondly, like I mentioned before, you are
Speaker 1: relying on this same person who hurt you in the
Speaker 1: first place to heal that very wound that they created,
Speaker 1: either intentionally or unintentionally. I think the irony of this
Speaker 1: is best understood. You know, through metaphor, if you fall
Speaker 1: off a ladder and you break your back, you are
Speaker 1: not going to climb back up that same ladder with
Speaker 1: the hope that you will fall off it again and
Speaker 1: break your back back to the way that it was before.
Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean? Like, this person has
Speaker 1: obviously created some pain and has injured you in some way.
Speaker 1: I don't necessarily think that they can undo that. They
Speaker 1: might not even have the answer that you want because
Speaker 1: they don't know what themselves. They may not even be
Speaker 1: able to articulate their actual feelings well enough to provide
Speaker 1: you with the clarity that you need. And there's also
Speaker 1: no guarantee they're going to be be honest with you either,
Speaker 1: So you are relying on a faulty or an unwilling
Speaker 1: messenger for your emotional and mental sanity. I also saw
Speaker 1: this really beautiful quote the other day that I think
Speaker 1: expresses this very well. Life is short. I don't think
Speaker 1: that you should wait around for apologies. Your peace is
Speaker 1: worth more than their acknowledgement. If you're looking for them
Speaker 1: to say sorry, if you're looking for them to not
Speaker 1: just apologize but make some kind of amends, I don't
Speaker 1: think you're ever going to truly believe that anyways. And
Speaker 1: I don't think it's gonna undo anything that has already happened.
Speaker 1: At least they won't be able to undo it once again. Sadly,
Speaker 1: it's back to you. And Thirdly, and for me personally,
Speaker 1: this is the most important reason we shouldn't rely on
Speaker 1: others for closure is that sometimes we use closure as
Speaker 1: a proxy for something else that we actually want. Think
Speaker 1: that we need to reach out to them just one
Speaker 1: more time, grab a coffee with them, just once more,
Speaker 1: in order to get closure. But really what you want
Speaker 1: to do is just see them again, because you're not
Speaker 1: ready to move on. But you're evoking this idea of
Speaker 1: closure as an excuse. I'm not trying to call you out.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying from experience, I would do this. I'd
Speaker 1: be like, oh, you know, I just have a few
Speaker 1: more questions about the end of our relationship. But really
Speaker 1: I didn't. I knew everything that I needed to know.
Speaker 1: I just wanted to see them. You have convinced yourself
Speaker 1: that you have good intentions, when actually underneath this urge
Speaker 1: is a true desire to reconnect, and this pattern is
Speaker 1: keeping you stuck in the memories of the relationship. It's
Speaker 1: making you feel like it's not quite over yet, that
Speaker 1: there's more to come. You're left kind of discussing your
Speaker 1: relationship with this person. You're looking for answers that you
Speaker 1: know they can never give you. And when you repeatedly
Speaker 1: go back to this person with more excuses to catch up,
Speaker 1: you are in the closure cycle. We are not letting
Speaker 1: the connection fade away from our memory and our brains.
Speaker 1: So in psychology, particularly in cognitive psychology, there is this
Speaker 1: idea known as long term potentiation, and it has to
Speaker 1: do with how our neurons make and replace connections and
Speaker 1: pathways in the brain. So the more we use a connection,
Speaker 1: for example, the more we talk to someone and see
Speaker 1: them and interact with them and bond with them, the
Speaker 1: more we use it, the stronger that neural connection becomes.
Speaker 1: When that relationship disappears, the neural pathway is not stimulated
Speaker 1: as much by an external presence or stimuli, so it's
Speaker 1: used less and less until it begins to fade and
Speaker 1: be replaced inevitably by something that is more important. That
Speaker 1: is a natural part of the recovery process, specifically after
Speaker 1: the end of a relationship. It's the reason why We
Speaker 1: say that time heals because it quite literally does. It
Speaker 1: heals us by letting our brain do what it does best,
Speaker 1: which is prioritize what is important and what is not important.
Speaker 1: And if this person is no longer a part of
Speaker 1: your life, we want our brain to deprioritize the information
Speaker 1: that it has about this individual. When we continue to
Speaker 1: find opportunities to talk to them, to reach out, to
Speaker 1: call see this person, all we are doing is keeping
Speaker 1: this connection alive. We are keeping it strong, We are
Speaker 1: keeping that pathway and those memories present, and we aren't
Speaker 1: letting ourselves move on the way that we should. This
Speaker 1: neural explanation is not to claim that you shouldn't reach
Speaker 1: out if you really need to, But I do believe
Speaker 1: that one closure conversation is probably enough. You have a
Speaker 1: right to ask for closure, but you need to ensure
Speaker 1: that you want it for the right reasons. And I
Speaker 1: also don't think you should expect to leave the conversation
Speaker 1: feeling completely sure of yourself and renewed. Those expectations once
Speaker 1: again contribute to the closure seeking cycle, because when you
Speaker 1: go into it thinking I just need to hear this
Speaker 1: one thing and I'll be okay, It's never just that
Speaker 1: one thing that you need to hear, and so you'll
Speaker 1: keep going back wanting more and more, waiting for the
Speaker 1: right thing to be said, when it won't be said
Speaker 1: at all. So when going into that conversation, if you
Speaker 1: choose to have a closure chat, make sure firstly that
Speaker 1: you have a time limit. Do not find yourself talking
Speaker 1: to them for six, seven, eight hours, staying over, you know,
Speaker 1: going for a long drive, like don't find yourself in
Speaker 1: a situation that is reminiscent of your relationship. You need
Speaker 1: to have your questions ready and you need to have
Speaker 1: your intentions clear. What are you actually hoping to get
Speaker 1: out of this? Is there actually a reason that you
Speaker 1: need to be there right now and you need to
Speaker 1: be discussing this with them. Remember as well, that this
Speaker 1: is also a controlled conversation. This is not a time
Speaker 1: to try and get them back. It's not a time
Speaker 1: to bring up old arguments. This is a space for
Speaker 1: understanding and moving forward. It's also important to acknowledge that
Speaker 1: there are a lot of situations where we are not
Speaker 1: provided with that opportunity to talk it through with someone else,
Speaker 1: especially in some of those situations that we spoke of before,
Speaker 1: where the other person has just chosen to break all contact.
Speaker 1: They've chosen to block you, to ghost to you. And
Speaker 1: this might sound controversial, but as hard as that is,
Speaker 1: that is their right to do. I usually see these
Speaker 1: situations and friendships when someone has actually just been unable
Speaker 1: to set boundaries or communicate. Maybe they are very conflict averse,
Speaker 1: so something has been bothering them for a while. They
Speaker 1: just don't know how to talk to you about it.
Speaker 1: You remain unaware. It's not like you've done anything wrong.
Speaker 1: Maybe you have, but you just haven't been given an
Speaker 1: opportunity to rectify the situation or to apologize. And so
Speaker 1: this person eventually snaps and their only option they see
Speaker 1: in their mind is to just go completely no contact
Speaker 1: with you. I know it doesn't feel fair that we
Speaker 1: are left to navigate the aftermath of this ourselves, but
Speaker 1: we cannot control what other people see as best for them.
Speaker 1: What you can control is what you do next. And
Speaker 1: I think it's your turn to do what's best for
Speaker 1: you and to find a way to move forward and
Speaker 1: provide yourself once again with closure. So that is what
Speaker 1: I want to discuss next. How do we find closure
Speaker 1: without reliance on others? How do we move on successfully
Speaker 1: well all of that and more after this shortbreak, providing
Speaker 1: ourselves with the emotional, psychological, mental closure that we need.
Speaker 1: Doing it all by ourselves officially closing a chapter in
Speaker 1: this book is not going to come without some challenges.
Speaker 1: I know this all too well. I'm sure that you
Speaker 1: do as well if you're listening to this episode. And
Speaker 1: there are so many times where we sit back and
Speaker 1: I think, just wish and pray that we could be
Speaker 1: over it by now. We just want to be over it.
Speaker 1: We're ready to just have moved on, But sometimes we're
Speaker 1: also not willing to do the work to get there
Speaker 1: because the path through is of you know, the path
Speaker 1: that is hardest. But I have five tips and kind
Speaker 1: of pieces of instruction for you, and I think following
Speaker 1: this process releases a lot of the grief and the
Speaker 1: anguish that otherwise keeps us quite trapped in the past
Speaker 1: and quite trapped in the closure cycle. So my tips
Speaker 1: are as follows. We're going to talk about changing your
Speaker 1: mindset around what the end of this relationship has brought you. Second,
Speaker 1: how to not be afraid of negative emotions. Thirdly, how
Speaker 1: not to be afraid of memory flare ups, How to
Speaker 1: take responsibility and then finally how to release the pain
Speaker 1: that is wanting you to go back and ask more
Speaker 1: questions and look for more answers. And I have a
Speaker 1: specific exercise for this that I think is so important.
Speaker 1: It has been so helpful to me in those times
Speaker 1: that I really needed closure. So to begin, let's talk
Speaker 1: about changing your mindset. We hear this a lot, and
Speaker 1: I understand that when we hear this, we talk people
Speaker 1: talk about mindset shifts and whatnot. It's very easy to
Speaker 1: dismiss this and just be like, that is a that
Speaker 1: is nonsense, that it's a bunch of garbage, Like, let's
Speaker 1: just skip this step. I don't need to change my mindset.
Speaker 1: It's just a terrible situation. I get it, and in
Speaker 1: many ways it is a terrible situation. But we're going
Speaker 1: to trust the psychology on this, and the psychology says
Speaker 1: that we have control over our cognitions and our thoughts
Speaker 1: about a situation, and these cognitions can be changed to
Speaker 1: better suit us. So instead of sitting there and thinking
Speaker 1: this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
Speaker 1: This is so terrible. I'm never going to recover from this.
Speaker 1: I'm never going to find love again. I'm never going
Speaker 1: to have a friend as good as her. This is
Speaker 1: the end for me. Replace those thoughts deliberately with ones
Speaker 1: that suit you better. Yes, it sucks, but this ending
Speaker 1: was a gift. This has given me things that I
Speaker 1: wouldn't have imagined for myself. What doors are opening because
Speaker 1: that relationship ended? What is it teaching you about yourself?
Speaker 1: I always say that the best beginnings are truly hidden
Speaker 1: in the endings of things, because it's there that the
Speaker 1: story really gets to take like so many different turns,
Speaker 1: It's where the storyline is most open for change. That's
Speaker 1: the point that you're at right now. I think, stop
Speaker 1: those negative thoughts and replace them with a deliberate thought.
Speaker 1: So when you think I just want to get over this,
Speaker 1: I'm so this is just the worst thing that's ever
Speaker 1: happened to me, stop and say, this might be the
Speaker 1: best thing that's ever happened to me. Can't see it yet.
Speaker 1: I just don't know what my future looks like, and
Speaker 1: that is really exciting. When you continue to interrupt those
Speaker 1: negative thoughts and replace them, that repetition will mean that
Speaker 1: you get to a point someday where it becomes automatic.
Speaker 1: You don't need to try and convince yourself. You just
Speaker 1: believe it. You just believe that maybe this happened not
Speaker 1: for a reason, but there is something that is going
Speaker 1: to come out of this that you would have missed
Speaker 1: if that relationship had continued. I really think that understanding
Speaker 1: that and having a more positive not just positive, but
Speaker 1: a different mindset towards the end of a relationship, towards
Speaker 1: snika for closure gets us to a point where we
Speaker 1: are not scared to let ourselves move on, and this
Speaker 1: is where the next step comes in. True closure is
Speaker 1: about facing unfortunately negative emotions and sometimes what keeps us
Speaker 1: in the memories of a lot of a relationship, what
Speaker 1: keeps us going back, what keeps us unable to move on,
Speaker 1: is knowing that the next step after that is going
Speaker 1: to be really painful. Once we acknowledge that the relationship
Speaker 1: is truly over, that there is no more that they
Speaker 1: can provide us that it's going to make us feel better,
Speaker 1: There is no more bargaining that is going to naturally
Speaker 1: trigger a lot of grief, and so we engage in avoidance.
Speaker 1: But when we allow ourselves to realize that, you know,
Speaker 1: true closure is about facing these negative emotions. There will
Speaker 1: be hard times when we no longer avoid the tears,
Speaker 1: we no longer avoid the fears about the future, the anxieties,
Speaker 1: the dark emotions, but we find an outlet for that energy.
Speaker 1: I really think that we get to a closer point
Speaker 1: of being able to live with these past experiences and
Speaker 1: the knowledge that they didn't work out. It is not
Speaker 1: as scary as it has to be. I also want
Speaker 1: to reassure you that subconsciously unconsciously thinking about this person
Speaker 1: having them pop into your head does not mean that
Speaker 1: you are not ready to move on. Do not confuse
Speaker 1: that with a need to reach back out to this person.
Speaker 1: It is totally entirely normal to still have the occasional
Speaker 1: thought about them, especially if you've been with this person
Speaker 1: for a long time, or they are a friend who
Speaker 1: has been with you for your whole life, or the
Speaker 1: situation you're trying to find closure from was particularly upsetting
Speaker 1: or traumatic or really frustrating. It takes a while for
Speaker 1: that memory to be dulled and to feel like it
Speaker 1: has a place. I think we all know that weird
Speaker 1: feeling where you wake up after a dream that you've
Speaker 1: had about someone and you haven't seen them for months
Speaker 1: and suddenly there they are popping up in your subconscious
Speaker 1: or strangely, you just can't stop thinking about the things
Speaker 1: that you did. You know, two summers ago, you can't
Speaker 1: stop thinking about this situation. These are called memory flare ups,
Speaker 1: and they are totally normal. Especially when we are dreaming.
Speaker 1: Our brain just tends to fire off a lot of
Speaker 1: random energy and that sparks old connections, old paths, old feelings.
Speaker 1: It doesn't say anything more than that. It is not
Speaker 1: a secret sign to you to reach out. It is
Speaker 1: not a secret sign that you are not ready for closure,
Speaker 1: that there is something left to be said. It's just
Speaker 1: likely that something in your environment has subconsciously triggered these
Speaker 1: memories to reappear. It could also be what we call
Speaker 1: the anniversary effect if these memories are occurring around a
Speaker 1: significant date, maybe on Valentine's Day or their birthday, or
Speaker 1: six months since your breakup. The anniversary effect is a
Speaker 1: term used in the PTSD space that refers to the
Speaker 1: tendency for us to start reliving past experiences and events
Speaker 1: when a significant date comes around, because it's the significance
Speaker 1: of that anniversary that cues our memories. So don't fear it.
Speaker 1: There is no hidden mesas for you in this You
Speaker 1: are not doing anything wrong. You are not, I think,
Speaker 1: unprepared for closure. Just let it come and let it go.
Speaker 1: The fourth step is around accountability. Now I think we've
Speaker 1: taken this perspective for most of this episode, of like,
Speaker 1: someone has wronged me, someone has left me. How do
Speaker 1: I find closure? How do I move past this experience?
Speaker 1: Sometimes though we have been the one who has done
Speaker 1: the wrong thing, even if we didn't mean to, and
Speaker 1: it's actually that urgent and that craving foreclosure that we
Speaker 1: have to reach out to that person is really just
Speaker 1: the urge to resolve the lingering guilt that we feel.
Speaker 1: We want this other person to forgive us. We want
Speaker 1: them to accept our apology because we weren't happy with
Speaker 1: our behavior and we cannot move on from this place
Speaker 1: of guilt and remorse and regret. I think in those
Speaker 1: moments it's really important to actually examine the role you
Speaker 1: had to play in what ended up occurring. If you
Speaker 1: continue to ignore what is so blaringly obvious and wrong
Speaker 1: maybe about your behavior, it actually doesn't help you in
Speaker 1: the future. All it's going to do is ensure that
Speaker 1: you make that mistake again, and you go through what
Speaker 1: you are going through again with another person you care about,
Speaker 1: facing the same kind of emotional turmoil and regret and
Speaker 1: resentment even that you're feeling right now, Really take a solid,
Speaker 1: hard look at what about this situation were you responsible for?
Speaker 1: Did you not respect their boundaries? Maybe did you ever
Speaker 1: step their boundaries? Were you not really on your best behavior?
Speaker 1: Was there something happening in your environment that you allowed
Speaker 1: to be projected onto them? What was your role in
Speaker 1: creating this situation. It's very easy to blame others, especially
Speaker 1: since we like to protect our self esteem and we
Speaker 1: like to feel like we are good people. It is
Speaker 1: only natural to feel that way. But the older you get,
Speaker 1: the more you realize that that really does it make
Speaker 1: you a better person. You're just suppressing the parts of
Speaker 1: you that might actually end up hurting other people. And
Speaker 1: this moment, right now, this moment where you're looking for closure,
Speaker 1: is a great time to turn to yourself for answers,
Speaker 1: and turn to yourself for the promise that this won't
Speaker 1: happen in the future, because I'm going to take responsibility
Speaker 1: for my role in this. Finally, if you're looking for
Speaker 1: the closure that we have been talking about all along.
Speaker 1: You are unable to get it. You are searching high
Speaker 1: and low for some kind of answer or explanation for
Speaker 1: why this has happened. It might be time to do
Speaker 1: some further digging and further self forgiveness, but also forgiveness
Speaker 1: of the other person for what is essentially the pain
Speaker 1: that you're experiencing, whether it is deliberate or accidental. So
Speaker 1: we've talked about this exercise before, but I want to
Speaker 1: speak about it again. This is around. It's like a
Speaker 1: letter writing ethie, and you're going to write two letters.
Speaker 1: You are going to write a final letter to this person, apologizing, acknowledging,
Speaker 1: expressing how hurt you feel, but why you are ready
Speaker 1: to let go. Why now is the time that you're
Speaker 1: going to move on. I want you to write that
Speaker 1: letter and give as much detail as possible. You are
Speaker 1: going to detail every emotion that you have felt, why
Speaker 1: it was directed towards them, the emotions that have been
Speaker 1: directed towards yourself, every confusing thing about this situation, everything
Speaker 1: that you are mad about, everything that you are maybe
Speaker 1: grateful for. Write it in that letter and then get
Speaker 1: rid of it. I know this sounds super silly. But
Speaker 1: do something that symbolically kind of represents that you are
Speaker 1: like cleansing yourself of this past, kind of removing or
Speaker 1: cleansing yourself of the guilt that you're feeling or the sadness.
Speaker 1: Not going to promote arson, obviously, but like burning the
Speaker 1: letter is in a controlled space is actually really deeply
Speaker 1: moving because it does feel like quite poetic and symbolic
Speaker 1: that you have had this pent up emotional landscape and
Speaker 1: pent up emotional state for so long that you're finally
Speaker 1: letting yourself physically like burn it down, physically destroy some
Speaker 1: of these emotions. That's the first letter. Write the letter
Speaker 1: to them, and then write the letter to yourself, to
Speaker 1: the self yourself right now, who is experiencing this? What
Speaker 1: do they need to hear from you? Is it that
Speaker 1: it's going to get better? What do they need to
Speaker 1: hear about what you're feeling? Especially when we think about
Speaker 1: this in terms of reading it back in the future,
Speaker 1: what would you want to remember about this experience that
Speaker 1: it is going to teach you something and that it's
Speaker 1: going to serve as a landmark in three months six
Speaker 1: months time for you to look back on and say,
Speaker 1: I've actually done a lot of work. From here, I'm
Speaker 1: actually feeling a lot better. I am no longer in
Speaker 1: that intense, exaggerated state of needing, needing to see them,
Speaker 1: needing to get an answer, needing that closure like its water.
Speaker 1: There's been a lot of research on these kinds of exercises.
Speaker 1: The first thing that they're really helpful with doing is
Speaker 1: preventing you from ruminating in your own mind over and
Speaker 1: over again about every small detail, and therefore allowing yourself
Speaker 1: to kind of be beholden to these memories. But research
Speaker 1: has also shown that this type of writing that allows
Speaker 1: us to examine what we've lost through a redemptive lens
Speaker 1: without blame, and that focuses on your current emotional state
Speaker 1: and focuses even sometimes on the positives, it can be
Speaker 1: very useful in helping us to achieve closure, whereas when
Speaker 1: we simply just vent and rant to our friends. Actually,
Speaker 1: what you're doing is just maintaining this cycle of feeling
Speaker 1: like this situation. This person has control over you in
Speaker 1: some senses. I want to say this again, the answers
Speaker 1: do not lie in someone else. You can provide yourself
Speaker 1: with closure, whether that is through a mindset shift or
Speaker 1: kind of a cathartic release, making some changes to how
Speaker 1: you see yourself, but also understanding that this relationship maybe
Speaker 1: had to end for a reason, this situation had to occur.
Speaker 1: There is something contained in this that you might not
Speaker 1: be able to see right now, but is really important
Speaker 1: for your journey. I think that that really allows us
Speaker 1: to come to peace with the situation and not feel
Speaker 1: like it has total control over who we are and
Speaker 1: who we're becoming. I want to say this final thing,
Speaker 1: but time seriously does heal all wounds. Your grip on
Speaker 1: these memories and this experience will loosen as time goes on,
Speaker 1: and as those experiences are replaced with better ones and
Speaker 1: novel experiences as well, and new things, new relationships and
Speaker 1: new people and new things to be happy about. So
Speaker 1: I really hope that this has provided you with an
Speaker 1: overview of why maybe you don't really need closure from
Speaker 1: someone else, why you can provide it for yourself, some
Speaker 1: of the pitfalls of looking for closure and being desperate
Speaker 1: for it, and whatever you're going through. Whether I describe
Speaker 1: your situation or not, if this related to you in
Speaker 1: any way, I'm sending you a lot of love and
Speaker 1: a lot of strength. I know it can be incredibly difficult,
Speaker 1: but I think you're doing the right thing. You are
Speaker 1: obviously listening to content about this, and you are searching
Speaker 1: for answers that lay beyond this other personal lay beyond
Speaker 1: these circumstances you can't control. So I'm proud of you. Congratulations.
Speaker 1: As always, if there is someone who needs to hear
Speaker 1: this episode, please feel free to share it with them.
Speaker 1: Make sure you have left a five star review and
Speaker 1: that you are following us on Instagram at that Psychology Podcast.
Speaker 1: If you have an episode suggestion, if you just want
Speaker 1: to say hi, if you have feedback, if you have
Speaker 1: any further tips for getting closure in these tough situations,
Speaker 1: I would love to hear from you. We will be
Speaker 1: back next week with another episode. Until then, stay safe,