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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever

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Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to

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Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode. Today we are

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Speaker 1: going to be talking about closure, what it is, what

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Speaker 1: it isn't It's very elusive nature, whether we need it,

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Speaker 1: and how to find your self closure without needing another

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Speaker 1: person's input or needing someone to have all the answers

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Speaker 1: for you. Closure, I think is such an interesting concept

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Speaker 1: in our twenties because there are so many storylines that

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Speaker 1: we will live out, so many relationships and situations that

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Speaker 1: will not have a neat conclusion, as much as we

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Speaker 1: might want them to. Not every relationship is going to

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Speaker 1: finish on a good note. Of course, when I talk

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Speaker 1: about closure, most of us do think about relationships. We

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Speaker 1: think about love. We think about that period after a

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Speaker 1: relationship ends where we are left with thousands of questions,

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Speaker 1: did they really love me? What did I do wrong?

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Speaker 1: What do they think of me, now, why was I

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Speaker 1: not enough? Honestly, the list is endless, and I think

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Speaker 1: their need for closure is a lot like grief. It

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Speaker 1: is lost or misplaced love, a love that really lingers on.

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Speaker 1: But beyond those romantic relationships, we can also require closure

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Speaker 1: at the end of platonic relationships and friendships. I think

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Speaker 1: friendships always seem to be painted is less important by

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Speaker 1: our society, something that we just expect to follow along

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Speaker 1: with us in life, whilst our romantic relationships are really

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Speaker 1: the main attraction. But I really do truly believe that

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Speaker 1: they can hurt so deeply when they come to an end,

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Speaker 1: probably because we never expect our friendships to end in

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Speaker 1: that way. We never expect to go through a friendship

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Speaker 1: breakup or you know, I've heard so many stories of

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Speaker 1: lifelong friendships where the other person suddenly goes the friend

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Speaker 1: or goes completely silent, or friendship breakups that are so

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Speaker 1: much worse than the heartbreak that we experience from romantic relationships.

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Speaker 1: When we are that connected with someone, when we spend

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Speaker 1: so much time with them, we bond over everything, We

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Speaker 1: talk all the time. Seeing those connections, whether they are

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Speaker 1: platonic or romantic, seeing them crumble is really upsetting, especially

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Speaker 1: when we are left feeling very confused and unable to

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Speaker 1: seek clarity. In those moments, we want closure. We feel

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Speaker 1: like it is the only thing that will help us

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Speaker 1: come to terms with these events. But although we might

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Speaker 1: want closure, do we really need it as much as

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Speaker 1: we think we do? And when we say that we're

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Speaker 1: looking for closure, what exactly does that entail? And is

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Speaker 1: it maybe slightly naive for us to think that the

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Speaker 1: person who caused us so much pain and disappointment is

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Speaker 1: going to be the same person who can provide us

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Speaker 1: with the answers that will let us heal. I don't

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Speaker 1: necessarily think so, So that's really what I want to

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Speaker 1: focus on in today's episode. Do we need someone else

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Speaker 1: to provide us with closure or can we provide it

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Speaker 1: for ourselves? I think that my opinion is quite obvious.

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Speaker 1: But before we get into that, let's look into some

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Speaker 1: of the psychological origins of this concept of closure and

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Speaker 1: make sure that our the foundations of our understanding are strong.

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Speaker 1: Cure essentially refers to our need to make sense of

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Speaker 1: a situation and feel like it has a solid conclusion.

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Speaker 1: In psychology, the need for closure is seen as a

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Speaker 1: motivation to find an answer to an ambiguous situation because

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Speaker 1: as humans, as we know, we are not particularly good

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Speaker 1: at navigating uncertainty. So this motivation to find an answer

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Speaker 1: it is enhanced by what we see as the benefits

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Speaker 1: of this right, so an increased ability to predict what

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Speaker 1: might happen, being able to remove some of those fears,

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Speaker 1: feeling certain of where we stand with someone. Really it's

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Speaker 1: about finding a way and finding a place for these memories,

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Speaker 1: and social psychologists in particular suggests that people tend to

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Speaker 1: have a need to view their relationships as a whole,

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Speaker 1: that they are a complete story. They have a beginning,

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Speaker 1: they have a middle, and they have an end. And

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Speaker 1: when a relationship concludes, the mind seeks to fill in

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Speaker 1: any gaps before moving on so that it can find

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Speaker 1: that ending. In other words, we need that closure to

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Speaker 1: essentially finish off the story. And when we are left

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Speaker 1: without an ending, either because the relationship ended quite abruptly,

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Speaker 1: we didn't see it coming. You ended on a fight

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Speaker 1: that you never resolved, or there was just radio silence,

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Speaker 1: we don't know where to place that memory because it

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Speaker 1: still feels like it's ongoing. It's an active storyline. Our

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Speaker 1: minds have this open chapter, and this lack of a

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Speaker 1: conclusion keeps us going back and returning again and again

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Speaker 1: and again, wanting to find more answers by searching through

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Speaker 1: our memories, wanting to find a resting place for this

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Speaker 1: relationship and for what it has become. We all have

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Speaker 1: as humans that individual drive for closure, but that need

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Speaker 1: and that drive differs between us. So mainly it differs

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Speaker 1: according to intensity and the intensity of our need for closure.

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Speaker 1: This depends largely on our personality. So people with that

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Speaker 1: intense need for closure, they may be used to being

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Speaker 1: in control and they prefer life to go as planned.

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Speaker 1: They may feel really distressed by uncertainty. It might really

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Speaker 1: challenge their sense of safety and well being to not

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Speaker 1: have the answers to a question. And in the nineteen nineties,

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Speaker 1: these three psychologists actually came up with the need for

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Speaker 1: Closure scale, which can be used to really categorize people

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Speaker 1: based on a number of questions and determine where we

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Speaker 1: kind of all sit on this spectrum of obtaining closure,

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Speaker 1: what lengths we will go to find closure at the

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Speaker 1: end of a relationship or at the end of some situation.

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Speaker 1: So those of us who really need closure often make

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Speaker 1: a lot of assumptions or false judgments, or shut down

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Speaker 1: as soon as a relationship is over in order to

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Speaker 1: just provide ourselves with the ending without waiting around for

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Speaker 1: someone else to come in and challenge what we feel

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Speaker 1: was the reason for this relationship not working, or what

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Speaker 1: we feel was the reason that this had to end.

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Speaker 1: The answers that we come up with the conclusion that

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Speaker 1: we reach it's might you know, it might not be

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Speaker 1: entirely correct, it might be based on a lot of

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Speaker 1: false premises, but at least in our minds, the story

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Speaker 1: is over. We have a nice bookend to this relationship,

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Speaker 1: to this situation. In contrast, sometimes we observe individuals who

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Speaker 1: avoid closure almost as a way to continue to suspend

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Speaker 1: the relationship in space and time. So the movie Five

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Speaker 1: Hundred Days of Summer if if you've seen it, and

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Speaker 1: if you haven't, you really should go and watch it.

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Speaker 1: It's quite good. But this movie cult classic. It's an

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Speaker 1: excellent example of someone who does not have a high

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Speaker 1: need for closure, in fact avoids closure. So Tom, the

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Speaker 1: main character, he really remin suspended in the happy memories

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Speaker 1: of the relationship, and he is fixated on them almost

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Speaker 1: as a way to stay connected with his ex closure

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Speaker 1: signifies the end. But if you are still anticipating something more,

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Speaker 1: if you are unable to rectify your feelings for someone,

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Speaker 1: even when you know it's time to move on, if

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Speaker 1: you have these expectations that you might get back together,

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Speaker 1: sometimes you actually continue to deprive yourself of closure in

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Speaker 1: order to stay in the potential of the relationship. That's

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Speaker 1: because our innate need to avoid closure in some of

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Speaker 1: these instances is controlled by our desire to avoid the

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Speaker 1: negative consequences that come along with that. So, for example,

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Speaker 1: once you acknowledge that yes, this relationship is over, this

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Speaker 1: person does not want to talk to me, I do

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Speaker 1: not want to talk to them. Acknowledging that fully means

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Speaker 1: that you have to start processing what that means for you,

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Speaker 1: the pain that that might bring. So we elongate the

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Speaker 1: situation in order to avoid that. There's actually another little

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Speaker 1: interesting facet of this that it's kind of the fun

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Speaker 1: fact for this episode. These types of people who don't

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Speaker 1: really have that need for closure, they've done some studies

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Speaker 1: on what that really means for the rest of their personality,

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Speaker 1: and they found that in some studies conducted on the

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Speaker 1: correlation between the need for closure and creativity levels. People

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Speaker 1: who avoid closure are significantly more creative. Maybe that's because

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Speaker 1: of their appreciation of deep emotions or the fact that

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Speaker 1: they are more comfortable with things being uncertain, so they're

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Speaker 1: able to transfer that uncertainty and that kind of open

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Speaker 1: endedness into their art or what they're creating. So a

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Speaker 1: little fun fact. That's not to say that depriving ourselves

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Speaker 1: of closure, either unconsciously or not, is all good and

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Speaker 1: has a lot of benefits. I actually think that a

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Speaker 1: lot of us do get to a point, even if

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Speaker 1: you have a low need for closure, we do get

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Speaker 1: to a point where we can no longer live in

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Speaker 1: the past, and maybe our lack of closure is preventing

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Speaker 1: us from moving on, or it is keeping us in

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Speaker 1: a very emotionally unavailable place. I think we commonly see

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Speaker 1: this with people straight out of a long term relationship

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Speaker 1: who actually haven't yet figured out exactly why the relationship

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Speaker 1: didn't work. Because of that, they don't necessarily know what

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Speaker 1: maybe needs to change. But more often than not, you

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Speaker 1: still have one footstuck in that past relationship, taking up emotional, mental,

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Speaker 1: and psychological space that might be better devoted for something else,

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Speaker 1: not just to someone else, but for something else, and

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Speaker 1: it's super frustrating. I've talked about this a bit before,

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Speaker 1: but I had this weird situationship a few years back

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Speaker 1: with someone and it was so emotionally exhausting, it was draining.

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Speaker 1: It left me in such a bad place mentally. I

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Speaker 1: had no self confidence. I could barely speak to anybody,

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Speaker 1: and it took me so much time to recover and

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Speaker 1: so much time to find that peace and closure that

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Speaker 1: I needed, more so than when I'd ended my previous

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Speaker 1: long term relationship. And the reason why was because of

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Speaker 1: how many what ifs were left over, at least in

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Speaker 1: my relationship. We kind of had the chance to really

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Speaker 1: take this connection to its final destination, if that makes sense,

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Speaker 1: Like we lived out the journey that we were meant

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Speaker 1: to go on. We had tried to make it work,

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Speaker 1: it didn't. There was nothing left to say, there was

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Speaker 1: nothing left to do. The end of the story was

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Speaker 1: written very quickly, but with that situationship, because the entire

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Speaker 1: relationship had been so tumultuous, the conclusion, or what I

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Speaker 1: thought was the conclusion, was equally confusing. You know, was

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Speaker 1: it me? Was it him? Was it just circumstances? Was

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Speaker 1: it timing. In hindsight, I really can't believe I spent

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Speaker 1: so much time, so many months thinking about this person.

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Speaker 1: But I also realized that there were some parts of

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Speaker 1: that relationship that always meant I was never going to

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Speaker 1: get the answers that I needed at the end, or

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Speaker 1: so I thought. I think when we were in this

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Speaker 1: moment of grief and ambiguity and sadness, we like to

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Speaker 1: believe in the idea of a quick fix, and we

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Speaker 1: fixate on this premise that there is something we don't

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Speaker 1: know that can explain it all away and take away

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Speaker 1: all these feelings. There is some answer out there that's

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Speaker 1: going to make us feel better, and we place a

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Speaker 1: lot of hope in someone else's ability to reach our

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Speaker 1: emotional conclusions. For us, I think we obviously all need closure.

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Speaker 1: It is a human need, but we don't necessarily need

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Speaker 1: someone else to give it to us. Our solution to

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Speaker 1: the closure problem doesn't always lie with our ex or

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Speaker 1: a former friend, or any explanation that they can provide us.

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Speaker 1: In fact, I think you are probably the only person

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Speaker 1: who is going to be able to bring that for yourself,

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Speaker 1: even if you don't realize it in the moment. In hindsight,

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Speaker 1: nothing that someone else has said has made you feel

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Speaker 1: any better normally. It's just that you have been able

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Speaker 1: to integrate that into your idea of the relationship and

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Speaker 1: your idea of the conclusion and write that ending for yourself.

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Speaker 1: So there's a few reasons why I don't think that

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Speaker 1: we should rely on other people to bring us closure. Firstly,

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Speaker 1: their actions were in some ways the closure that you needed.

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Speaker 1: Their inability to treat you with respect, or their fickleness,

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Speaker 1: their inconsistency, their cruelty even at times, that is really

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Speaker 1: the evidence that all along this person did not have

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Speaker 1: the emotional maturity to navigate an adult relationship with you. Right,

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Speaker 1: Like a lot of the time, if you are left

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Speaker 1: without answers at the end of a relationship, something has

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Speaker 1: kind of not gone wrong. But there is something that

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Speaker 1: they could have provided you, that they could have spoken

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Speaker 1: to you about along the way that they chose not to.

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Speaker 1: And I think secondly, like I mentioned before, you are

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Speaker 1: relying on this same person who hurt you in the

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Speaker 1: first place to heal that very wound that they created,

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Speaker 1: either intentionally or unintentionally. I think the irony of this

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Speaker 1: is best understood. You know, through metaphor, if you fall

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Speaker 1: off a ladder and you break your back, you are

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Speaker 1: not going to climb back up that same ladder with

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Speaker 1: the hope that you will fall off it again and

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Speaker 1: break your back back to the way that it was before.

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Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean? Like, this person has

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Speaker 1: obviously created some pain and has injured you in some way.

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Speaker 1: I don't necessarily think that they can undo that. They

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Speaker 1: might not even have the answer that you want because

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Speaker 1: they don't know what themselves. They may not even be

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Speaker 1: able to articulate their actual feelings well enough to provide

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Speaker 1: you with the clarity that you need. And there's also

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Speaker 1: no guarantee they're going to be be honest with you either,

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Speaker 1: So you are relying on a faulty or an unwilling

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Speaker 1: messenger for your emotional and mental sanity. I also saw

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Speaker 1: this really beautiful quote the other day that I think

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Speaker 1: expresses this very well. Life is short. I don't think

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Speaker 1: that you should wait around for apologies. Your peace is

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Speaker 1: worth more than their acknowledgement. If you're looking for them

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Speaker 1: to say sorry, if you're looking for them to not

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Speaker 1: just apologize but make some kind of amends, I don't

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Speaker 1: think you're ever going to truly believe that anyways. And

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Speaker 1: I don't think it's gonna undo anything that has already happened.

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Speaker 1: At least they won't be able to undo it once again. Sadly,

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Speaker 1: it's back to you. And Thirdly, and for me personally,

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Speaker 1: this is the most important reason we shouldn't rely on

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Speaker 1: others for closure is that sometimes we use closure as

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Speaker 1: a proxy for something else that we actually want. Think

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Speaker 1: that we need to reach out to them just one

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Speaker 1: more time, grab a coffee with them, just once more,

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Speaker 1: in order to get closure. But really what you want

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Speaker 1: to do is just see them again, because you're not

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Speaker 1: ready to move on. But you're evoking this idea of

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Speaker 1: closure as an excuse. I'm not trying to call you out.

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Speaker 1: I'm just saying from experience, I would do this. I'd

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Speaker 1: be like, oh, you know, I just have a few

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Speaker 1: more questions about the end of our relationship. But really

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Speaker 1: I didn't. I knew everything that I needed to know.

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Speaker 1: I just wanted to see them. You have convinced yourself

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Speaker 1: that you have good intentions, when actually underneath this urge

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Speaker 1: is a true desire to reconnect, and this pattern is

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Speaker 1: keeping you stuck in the memories of the relationship. It's

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Speaker 1: making you feel like it's not quite over yet, that

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Speaker 1: there's more to come. You're left kind of discussing your

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Speaker 1: relationship with this person. You're looking for answers that you

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Speaker 1: know they can never give you. And when you repeatedly

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Speaker 1: go back to this person with more excuses to catch up,

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Speaker 1: you are in the closure cycle. We are not letting

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Speaker 1: the connection fade away from our memory and our brains.

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Speaker 1: So in psychology, particularly in cognitive psychology, there is this

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Speaker 1: idea known as long term potentiation, and it has to

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Speaker 1: do with how our neurons make and replace connections and

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Speaker 1: pathways in the brain. So the more we use a connection,

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Speaker 1: for example, the more we talk to someone and see

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Speaker 1: them and interact with them and bond with them, the

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Speaker 1: more we use it, the stronger that neural connection becomes.

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Speaker 1: When that relationship disappears, the neural pathway is not stimulated

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Speaker 1: as much by an external presence or stimuli, so it's

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Speaker 1: used less and less until it begins to fade and

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Speaker 1: be replaced inevitably by something that is more important. That

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Speaker 1: is a natural part of the recovery process, specifically after

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Speaker 1: the end of a relationship. It's the reason why We

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Speaker 1: say that time heals because it quite literally does. It

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Speaker 1: heals us by letting our brain do what it does best,

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Speaker 1: which is prioritize what is important and what is not important.

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Speaker 1: And if this person is no longer a part of

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Speaker 1: your life, we want our brain to deprioritize the information

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Speaker 1: that it has about this individual. When we continue to

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Speaker 1: find opportunities to talk to them, to reach out, to

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Speaker 1: call see this person, all we are doing is keeping

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Speaker 1: this connection alive. We are keeping it strong, We are

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Speaker 1: keeping that pathway and those memories present, and we aren't

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Speaker 1: letting ourselves move on the way that we should. This

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Speaker 1: neural explanation is not to claim that you shouldn't reach

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Speaker 1: out if you really need to, But I do believe

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Speaker 1: that one closure conversation is probably enough. You have a

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Speaker 1: right to ask for closure, but you need to ensure

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Speaker 1: that you want it for the right reasons. And I

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Speaker 1: also don't think you should expect to leave the conversation

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Speaker 1: feeling completely sure of yourself and renewed. Those expectations once

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Speaker 1: again contribute to the closure seeking cycle, because when you

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Speaker 1: go into it thinking I just need to hear this

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Speaker 1: one thing and I'll be okay, It's never just that

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Speaker 1: one thing that you need to hear, and so you'll

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Speaker 1: keep going back wanting more and more, waiting for the

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Speaker 1: right thing to be said, when it won't be said

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Speaker 1: at all. So when going into that conversation, if you

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Speaker 1: choose to have a closure chat, make sure firstly that

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Speaker 1: you have a time limit. Do not find yourself talking

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Speaker 1: to them for six, seven, eight hours, staying over, you know,

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Speaker 1: going for a long drive, like don't find yourself in

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Speaker 1: a situation that is reminiscent of your relationship. You need

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Speaker 1: to have your questions ready and you need to have

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Speaker 1: your intentions clear. What are you actually hoping to get

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Speaker 1: out of this? Is there actually a reason that you

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Speaker 1: need to be there right now and you need to

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Speaker 1: be discussing this with them. Remember as well, that this

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Speaker 1: is also a controlled conversation. This is not a time

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Speaker 1: to try and get them back. It's not a time

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Speaker 1: to bring up old arguments. This is a space for

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Speaker 1: understanding and moving forward. It's also important to acknowledge that

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Speaker 1: there are a lot of situations where we are not

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Speaker 1: provided with that opportunity to talk it through with someone else,

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Speaker 1: especially in some of those situations that we spoke of before,

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Speaker 1: where the other person has just chosen to break all contact.

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Speaker 1: They've chosen to block you, to ghost to you. And

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Speaker 1: this might sound controversial, but as hard as that is,

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Speaker 1: that is their right to do. I usually see these

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Speaker 1: situations and friendships when someone has actually just been unable

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Speaker 1: to set boundaries or communicate. Maybe they are very conflict averse,

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Speaker 1: so something has been bothering them for a while. They

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Speaker 1: just don't know how to talk to you about it.

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Speaker 1: You remain unaware. It's not like you've done anything wrong.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you have, but you just haven't been given an

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Speaker 1: opportunity to rectify the situation or to apologize. And so

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Speaker 1: this person eventually snaps and their only option they see

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Speaker 1: in their mind is to just go completely no contact

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Speaker 1: with you. I know it doesn't feel fair that we

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Speaker 1: are left to navigate the aftermath of this ourselves, but

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Speaker 1: we cannot control what other people see as best for them.

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Speaker 1: What you can control is what you do next. And

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Speaker 1: I think it's your turn to do what's best for

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Speaker 1: you and to find a way to move forward and

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Speaker 1: provide yourself once again with closure. So that is what

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Speaker 1: I want to discuss next. How do we find closure

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Speaker 1: without reliance on others? How do we move on successfully

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00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:41,920
Speaker 1: well all of that and more after this shortbreak, providing

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Speaker 1: ourselves with the emotional, psychological, mental closure that we need.

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Speaker 1: Doing it all by ourselves officially closing a chapter in

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Speaker 1: this book is not going to come without some challenges.

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Speaker 1: I know this all too well. I'm sure that you

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Speaker 1: do as well if you're listening to this episode. And

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Speaker 1: there are so many times where we sit back and

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Speaker 1: I think, just wish and pray that we could be

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Speaker 1: over it by now. We just want to be over it.

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Speaker 1: We're ready to just have moved on, But sometimes we're

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Speaker 1: also not willing to do the work to get there

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Speaker 1: because the path through is of you know, the path

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Speaker 1: that is hardest. But I have five tips and kind

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Speaker 1: of pieces of instruction for you, and I think following

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Speaker 1: this process releases a lot of the grief and the

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Speaker 1: anguish that otherwise keeps us quite trapped in the past

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Speaker 1: and quite trapped in the closure cycle. So my tips

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Speaker 1: are as follows. We're going to talk about changing your

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Speaker 1: mindset around what the end of this relationship has brought you. Second,

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Speaker 1: how to not be afraid of negative emotions. Thirdly, how

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00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:54,280
Speaker 1: not to be afraid of memory flare ups, How to

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Speaker 1: take responsibility and then finally how to release the pain

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Speaker 1: that is wanting you to go back and ask more

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Speaker 1: questions and look for more answers. And I have a

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00:23:05,359 --> 00:23:08,120
Speaker 1: specific exercise for this that I think is so important.

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Speaker 1: It has been so helpful to me in those times

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Speaker 1: that I really needed closure. So to begin, let's talk

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Speaker 1: about changing your mindset. We hear this a lot, and

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Speaker 1: I understand that when we hear this, we talk people

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00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:24,920
Speaker 1: talk about mindset shifts and whatnot. It's very easy to

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00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:28,119
Speaker 1: dismiss this and just be like, that is a that

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00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:30,920
Speaker 1: is nonsense, that it's a bunch of garbage, Like, let's

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00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:33,440
Speaker 1: just skip this step. I don't need to change my mindset.

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00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:36,320
Speaker 1: It's just a terrible situation. I get it, and in

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Speaker 1: many ways it is a terrible situation. But we're going

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Speaker 1: to trust the psychology on this, and the psychology says

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Speaker 1: that we have control over our cognitions and our thoughts

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Speaker 1: about a situation, and these cognitions can be changed to

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00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:55,440
Speaker 1: better suit us. So instead of sitting there and thinking

396
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Speaker 1: this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

397
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Speaker 1: This is so terrible. I'm never going to recover from this.

398
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:03,919
Speaker 1: I'm never going to find love again. I'm never going

399
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:06,800
Speaker 1: to have a friend as good as her. This is

400
00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:11,000
Speaker 1: the end for me. Replace those thoughts deliberately with ones

401
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:15,639
Speaker 1: that suit you better. Yes, it sucks, but this ending

402
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:19,879
Speaker 1: was a gift. This has given me things that I

403
00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:23,760
Speaker 1: wouldn't have imagined for myself. What doors are opening because

404
00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:26,960
Speaker 1: that relationship ended? What is it teaching you about yourself?

405
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:29,800
Speaker 1: I always say that the best beginnings are truly hidden

406
00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:34,040
Speaker 1: in the endings of things, because it's there that the

407
00:24:34,119 --> 00:24:38,160
Speaker 1: story really gets to take like so many different turns,

408
00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:42,440
Speaker 1: It's where the storyline is most open for change. That's

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Speaker 1: the point that you're at right now. I think, stop

410
00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:48,600
Speaker 1: those negative thoughts and replace them with a deliberate thought.

411
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Speaker 1: So when you think I just want to get over this,

412
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Speaker 1: I'm so this is just the worst thing that's ever

413
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:58,439
Speaker 1: happened to me, stop and say, this might be the

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00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,960
Speaker 1: best thing that's ever happened to me. Can't see it yet.

415
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:04,080
Speaker 1: I just don't know what my future looks like, and

416
00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:08,600
Speaker 1: that is really exciting. When you continue to interrupt those

417
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:13,040
Speaker 1: negative thoughts and replace them, that repetition will mean that

418
00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:16,480
Speaker 1: you get to a point someday where it becomes automatic.

419
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:20,040
Speaker 1: You don't need to try and convince yourself. You just

420
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:23,520
Speaker 1: believe it. You just believe that maybe this happened not

421
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:26,640
Speaker 1: for a reason, but there is something that is going

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00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:29,119
Speaker 1: to come out of this that you would have missed

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00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:35,000
Speaker 1: if that relationship had continued. I really think that understanding

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00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:37,879
Speaker 1: that and having a more positive not just positive, but

425
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:42,080
Speaker 1: a different mindset towards the end of a relationship, towards

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00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:45,919
Speaker 1: snika for closure gets us to a point where we

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00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:49,640
Speaker 1: are not scared to let ourselves move on, and this

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00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:53,720
Speaker 1: is where the next step comes in. True closure is

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00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:59,480
Speaker 1: about facing unfortunately negative emotions and sometimes what keeps us

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00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:01,800
Speaker 1: in the memories of a lot of a relationship, what

431
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:04,639
Speaker 1: keeps us going back, what keeps us unable to move on,

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00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:07,920
Speaker 1: is knowing that the next step after that is going

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00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:11,760
Speaker 1: to be really painful. Once we acknowledge that the relationship

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Speaker 1: is truly over, that there is no more that they

435
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,280
Speaker 1: can provide us that it's going to make us feel better,

436
00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:20,040
Speaker 1: There is no more bargaining that is going to naturally

437
00:26:20,119 --> 00:26:25,040
Speaker 1: trigger a lot of grief, and so we engage in avoidance.

438
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:29,320
Speaker 1: But when we allow ourselves to realize that, you know,

439
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:33,320
Speaker 1: true closure is about facing these negative emotions. There will

440
00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:36,800
Speaker 1: be hard times when we no longer avoid the tears,

441
00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:40,760
Speaker 1: we no longer avoid the fears about the future, the anxieties,

442
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:44,280
Speaker 1: the dark emotions, but we find an outlet for that energy.

443
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,080
Speaker 1: I really think that we get to a closer point

444
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:50,080
Speaker 1: of being able to live with these past experiences and

445
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:52,399
Speaker 1: the knowledge that they didn't work out. It is not

446
00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:55,680
Speaker 1: as scary as it has to be. I also want

447
00:26:55,720 --> 00:27:00,520
Speaker 1: to reassure you that subconsciously unconsciously thinking about this person

448
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:03,320
Speaker 1: having them pop into your head does not mean that

449
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:06,600
Speaker 1: you are not ready to move on. Do not confuse

450
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,840
Speaker 1: that with a need to reach back out to this person.

451
00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:15,760
Speaker 1: It is totally entirely normal to still have the occasional

452
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:20,160
Speaker 1: thought about them, especially if you've been with this person

453
00:27:20,359 --> 00:27:23,720
Speaker 1: for a long time, or they are a friend who

454
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:25,399
Speaker 1: has been with you for your whole life, or the

455
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:29,679
Speaker 1: situation you're trying to find closure from was particularly upsetting

456
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:34,000
Speaker 1: or traumatic or really frustrating. It takes a while for

457
00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:38,040
Speaker 1: that memory to be dulled and to feel like it

458
00:27:38,119 --> 00:27:40,879
Speaker 1: has a place. I think we all know that weird

459
00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:45,360
Speaker 1: feeling where you wake up after a dream that you've

460
00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:48,600
Speaker 1: had about someone and you haven't seen them for months

461
00:27:49,359 --> 00:27:52,920
Speaker 1: and suddenly there they are popping up in your subconscious

462
00:27:53,359 --> 00:27:55,760
Speaker 1: or strangely, you just can't stop thinking about the things

463
00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:58,480
Speaker 1: that you did. You know, two summers ago, you can't

464
00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:02,720
Speaker 1: stop thinking about this situation. These are called memory flare ups,

465
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:06,120
Speaker 1: and they are totally normal. Especially when we are dreaming.

466
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:08,320
Speaker 1: Our brain just tends to fire off a lot of

467
00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:13,520
Speaker 1: random energy and that sparks old connections, old paths, old feelings.

468
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:17,159
Speaker 1: It doesn't say anything more than that. It is not

469
00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:19,960
Speaker 1: a secret sign to you to reach out. It is

470
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,480
Speaker 1: not a secret sign that you are not ready for closure,

471
00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:25,639
Speaker 1: that there is something left to be said. It's just

472
00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:29,000
Speaker 1: likely that something in your environment has subconsciously triggered these

473
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:32,000
Speaker 1: memories to reappear. It could also be what we call

474
00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:34,840
Speaker 1: the anniversary effect if these memories are occurring around a

475
00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:38,880
Speaker 1: significant date, maybe on Valentine's Day or their birthday, or

476
00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:42,960
Speaker 1: six months since your breakup. The anniversary effect is a

477
00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:47,120
Speaker 1: term used in the PTSD space that refers to the

478
00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:51,200
Speaker 1: tendency for us to start reliving past experiences and events

479
00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:54,920
Speaker 1: when a significant date comes around, because it's the significance

480
00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:58,800
Speaker 1: of that anniversary that cues our memories. So don't fear it.

481
00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:01,440
Speaker 1: There is no hidden mesas for you in this You

482
00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:04,880
Speaker 1: are not doing anything wrong. You are not, I think,

483
00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:09,760
Speaker 1: unprepared for closure. Just let it come and let it go.

484
00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:14,760
Speaker 1: The fourth step is around accountability. Now I think we've

485
00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:17,200
Speaker 1: taken this perspective for most of this episode, of like,

486
00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:19,680
Speaker 1: someone has wronged me, someone has left me. How do

487
00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:23,360
Speaker 1: I find closure? How do I move past this experience?

488
00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:26,760
Speaker 1: Sometimes though we have been the one who has done

489
00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:29,920
Speaker 1: the wrong thing, even if we didn't mean to, and

490
00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:33,160
Speaker 1: it's actually that urgent and that craving foreclosure that we

491
00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:36,240
Speaker 1: have to reach out to that person is really just

492
00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:39,200
Speaker 1: the urge to resolve the lingering guilt that we feel.

493
00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:42,080
Speaker 1: We want this other person to forgive us. We want

494
00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:45,440
Speaker 1: them to accept our apology because we weren't happy with

495
00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:49,560
Speaker 1: our behavior and we cannot move on from this place

496
00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:53,120
Speaker 1: of guilt and remorse and regret. I think in those

497
00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:56,040
Speaker 1: moments it's really important to actually examine the role you

498
00:29:56,080 --> 00:29:59,080
Speaker 1: had to play in what ended up occurring. If you

499
00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:02,720
Speaker 1: continue to ignore what is so blaringly obvious and wrong

500
00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:06,880
Speaker 1: maybe about your behavior, it actually doesn't help you in

501
00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:09,640
Speaker 1: the future. All it's going to do is ensure that

502
00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:12,560
Speaker 1: you make that mistake again, and you go through what

503
00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:15,840
Speaker 1: you are going through again with another person you care about,

504
00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:20,520
Speaker 1: facing the same kind of emotional turmoil and regret and

505
00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:25,959
Speaker 1: resentment even that you're feeling right now, Really take a solid,

506
00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:30,920
Speaker 1: hard look at what about this situation were you responsible for?

507
00:30:31,560 --> 00:30:33,880
Speaker 1: Did you not respect their boundaries? Maybe did you ever

508
00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:37,880
Speaker 1: step their boundaries? Were you not really on your best behavior?

509
00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:41,080
Speaker 1: Was there something happening in your environment that you allowed

510
00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:44,440
Speaker 1: to be projected onto them? What was your role in

511
00:30:44,520 --> 00:30:48,960
Speaker 1: creating this situation. It's very easy to blame others, especially

512
00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:51,400
Speaker 1: since we like to protect our self esteem and we

513
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:54,000
Speaker 1: like to feel like we are good people. It is

514
00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:57,480
Speaker 1: only natural to feel that way. But the older you get,

515
00:30:57,520 --> 00:31:00,320
Speaker 1: the more you realize that that really does it make

516
00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:03,760
Speaker 1: you a better person. You're just suppressing the parts of

517
00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:06,480
Speaker 1: you that might actually end up hurting other people. And

518
00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:10,040
Speaker 1: this moment, right now, this moment where you're looking for closure,

519
00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:13,120
Speaker 1: is a great time to turn to yourself for answers,

520
00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:16,840
Speaker 1: and turn to yourself for the promise that this won't

521
00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:20,040
Speaker 1: happen in the future, because I'm going to take responsibility

522
00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:24,040
Speaker 1: for my role in this. Finally, if you're looking for

523
00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:27,000
Speaker 1: the closure that we have been talking about all along.

524
00:31:27,640 --> 00:31:30,920
Speaker 1: You are unable to get it. You are searching high

525
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:34,440
Speaker 1: and low for some kind of answer or explanation for

526
00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:37,360
Speaker 1: why this has happened. It might be time to do

527
00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:43,880
Speaker 1: some further digging and further self forgiveness, but also forgiveness

528
00:31:43,880 --> 00:31:47,320
Speaker 1: of the other person for what is essentially the pain

529
00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:52,040
Speaker 1: that you're experiencing, whether it is deliberate or accidental. So

530
00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:55,640
Speaker 1: we've talked about this exercise before, but I want to

531
00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:59,120
Speaker 1: speak about it again. This is around. It's like a

532
00:31:59,240 --> 00:32:02,640
Speaker 1: letter writing ethie, and you're going to write two letters.

533
00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:08,360
Speaker 1: You are going to write a final letter to this person, apologizing, acknowledging,

534
00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:14,240
Speaker 1: expressing how hurt you feel, but why you are ready

535
00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:16,480
Speaker 1: to let go. Why now is the time that you're

536
00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:18,800
Speaker 1: going to move on. I want you to write that

537
00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:21,840
Speaker 1: letter and give as much detail as possible. You are

538
00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:25,440
Speaker 1: going to detail every emotion that you have felt, why

539
00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:27,680
Speaker 1: it was directed towards them, the emotions that have been

540
00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:31,800
Speaker 1: directed towards yourself, every confusing thing about this situation, everything

541
00:32:31,840 --> 00:32:34,080
Speaker 1: that you are mad about, everything that you are maybe

542
00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:37,960
Speaker 1: grateful for. Write it in that letter and then get

543
00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:41,920
Speaker 1: rid of it. I know this sounds super silly. But

544
00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:46,200
Speaker 1: do something that symbolically kind of represents that you are

545
00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:50,280
Speaker 1: like cleansing yourself of this past, kind of removing or

546
00:32:50,320 --> 00:32:53,200
Speaker 1: cleansing yourself of the guilt that you're feeling or the sadness.

547
00:32:54,160 --> 00:32:57,920
Speaker 1: Not going to promote arson, obviously, but like burning the

548
00:32:58,000 --> 00:33:03,200
Speaker 1: letter is in a controlled space is actually really deeply

549
00:33:03,320 --> 00:33:07,920
Speaker 1: moving because it does feel like quite poetic and symbolic

550
00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:12,520
Speaker 1: that you have had this pent up emotional landscape and

551
00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:15,960
Speaker 1: pent up emotional state for so long that you're finally

552
00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:21,800
Speaker 1: letting yourself physically like burn it down, physically destroy some

553
00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:25,680
Speaker 1: of these emotions. That's the first letter. Write the letter

554
00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:28,720
Speaker 1: to them, and then write the letter to yourself, to

555
00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:32,840
Speaker 1: the self yourself right now, who is experiencing this? What

556
00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:34,640
Speaker 1: do they need to hear from you? Is it that

557
00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:38,280
Speaker 1: it's going to get better? What do they need to

558
00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:42,480
Speaker 1: hear about what you're feeling? Especially when we think about

559
00:33:42,480 --> 00:33:45,000
Speaker 1: this in terms of reading it back in the future,

560
00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:48,160
Speaker 1: what would you want to remember about this experience that

561
00:33:48,200 --> 00:33:50,280
Speaker 1: it is going to teach you something and that it's

562
00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:53,360
Speaker 1: going to serve as a landmark in three months six

563
00:33:53,400 --> 00:33:55,640
Speaker 1: months time for you to look back on and say,

564
00:33:55,680 --> 00:33:58,040
Speaker 1: I've actually done a lot of work. From here, I'm

565
00:33:58,080 --> 00:34:01,880
Speaker 1: actually feeling a lot better. I am no longer in

566
00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:07,680
Speaker 1: that intense, exaggerated state of needing, needing to see them,

567
00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:11,359
Speaker 1: needing to get an answer, needing that closure like its water.

568
00:34:12,120 --> 00:34:15,040
Speaker 1: There's been a lot of research on these kinds of exercises.

569
00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:17,719
Speaker 1: The first thing that they're really helpful with doing is

570
00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:21,640
Speaker 1: preventing you from ruminating in your own mind over and

571
00:34:21,719 --> 00:34:25,480
Speaker 1: over again about every small detail, and therefore allowing yourself

572
00:34:25,520 --> 00:34:28,800
Speaker 1: to kind of be beholden to these memories. But research

573
00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:31,280
Speaker 1: has also shown that this type of writing that allows

574
00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:36,560
Speaker 1: us to examine what we've lost through a redemptive lens

575
00:34:36,680 --> 00:34:41,120
Speaker 1: without blame, and that focuses on your current emotional state

576
00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:45,440
Speaker 1: and focuses even sometimes on the positives, it can be

577
00:34:45,600 --> 00:34:49,160
Speaker 1: very useful in helping us to achieve closure, whereas when

578
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:53,080
Speaker 1: we simply just vent and rant to our friends. Actually,

579
00:34:53,080 --> 00:34:56,560
Speaker 1: what you're doing is just maintaining this cycle of feeling

580
00:34:56,640 --> 00:35:01,759
Speaker 1: like this situation. This person has control over you in

581
00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:05,600
Speaker 1: some senses. I want to say this again, the answers

582
00:35:05,640 --> 00:35:09,160
Speaker 1: do not lie in someone else. You can provide yourself

583
00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:12,400
Speaker 1: with closure, whether that is through a mindset shift or

584
00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:15,879
Speaker 1: kind of a cathartic release, making some changes to how

585
00:35:15,880 --> 00:35:20,879
Speaker 1: you see yourself, but also understanding that this relationship maybe

586
00:35:20,960 --> 00:35:25,080
Speaker 1: had to end for a reason, this situation had to occur.

587
00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:28,080
Speaker 1: There is something contained in this that you might not

588
00:35:28,120 --> 00:35:30,440
Speaker 1: be able to see right now, but is really important

589
00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:33,520
Speaker 1: for your journey. I think that that really allows us

590
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:36,640
Speaker 1: to come to peace with the situation and not feel

591
00:35:36,640 --> 00:35:39,000
Speaker 1: like it has total control over who we are and

592
00:35:39,040 --> 00:35:42,000
Speaker 1: who we're becoming. I want to say this final thing,

593
00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:46,440
Speaker 1: but time seriously does heal all wounds. Your grip on

594
00:35:46,520 --> 00:35:51,239
Speaker 1: these memories and this experience will loosen as time goes on,

595
00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:56,799
Speaker 1: and as those experiences are replaced with better ones and

596
00:35:57,080 --> 00:36:01,560
Speaker 1: novel experiences as well, and new things, new relationships and

597
00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:03,840
Speaker 1: new people and new things to be happy about. So

598
00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:06,719
Speaker 1: I really hope that this has provided you with an

599
00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:09,560
Speaker 1: overview of why maybe you don't really need closure from

600
00:36:09,600 --> 00:36:12,279
Speaker 1: someone else, why you can provide it for yourself, some

601
00:36:12,320 --> 00:36:15,840
Speaker 1: of the pitfalls of looking for closure and being desperate

602
00:36:15,880 --> 00:36:18,840
Speaker 1: for it, and whatever you're going through. Whether I describe

603
00:36:18,840 --> 00:36:21,839
Speaker 1: your situation or not, if this related to you in

604
00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:24,920
Speaker 1: any way, I'm sending you a lot of love and

605
00:36:24,960 --> 00:36:28,000
Speaker 1: a lot of strength. I know it can be incredibly difficult,

606
00:36:28,480 --> 00:36:30,719
Speaker 1: but I think you're doing the right thing. You are

607
00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:34,719
Speaker 1: obviously listening to content about this, and you are searching

608
00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:38,200
Speaker 1: for answers that lay beyond this other personal lay beyond

609
00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:43,520
Speaker 1: these circumstances you can't control. So I'm proud of you. Congratulations.

610
00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:46,160
Speaker 1: As always, if there is someone who needs to hear

611
00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:49,600
Speaker 1: this episode, please feel free to share it with them.

612
00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:52,319
Speaker 1: Make sure you have left a five star review and

613
00:36:52,360 --> 00:36:56,920
Speaker 1: that you are following us on Instagram at that Psychology Podcast.

614
00:36:57,480 --> 00:37:00,600
Speaker 1: If you have an episode suggestion, if you just want

615
00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:03,440
Speaker 1: to say hi, if you have feedback, if you have

616
00:37:03,560 --> 00:37:08,120
Speaker 1: any further tips for getting closure in these tough situations,

617
00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:10,640
Speaker 1: I would love to hear from you. We will be

618
00:37:10,719 --> 00:37:16,240
Speaker 1: back next week with another episode. Until then, stay safe,