WEBVTT - One of One with Devon Franklin 0:00:00.760 --> 0:00:05.000 Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rap An iHeartRadio podcast. 0:00:09.600 --> 0:00:13.760 Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in and we are so 0:00:13.960 --> 0:00:18.040 excited because we did tease this Monday, but today we 0:00:18.079 --> 0:00:21.079 are joined by an award winning producer, New York Times 0:00:21.120 --> 0:00:24.760 best selling author and motivational speaker. 0:00:25.200 --> 0:00:28.080 He has made a commitment to inspire people around the 0:00:28.120 --> 0:00:32.120 world through entertainment, and he has definitely been an inspiration 0:00:32.600 --> 0:00:34.000 for me for many, many years. 0:00:34.040 --> 0:00:34.840 I love this man. 0:00:35.320 --> 0:00:37.560 He is a force in media and has become a 0:00:37.680 --> 0:00:41.560 leading authority on inspiration, spiritual wellness, and personal development. 0:00:41.960 --> 0:00:44.400 Please help us give a warm welcome too. 0:00:45.000 --> 0:00:49.440 Wait, let's say, please give a warm welcome back. Oh good, sorry, mart. 0:00:50.760 --> 0:00:55.600 Please help us give a warm welcome back to Divone Franklin. 0:00:59.640 --> 0:01:04.000 Tanya is high energy as as I don't think he 0:01:04.040 --> 0:01:05.360 even knows what to do with her. 0:01:06.800 --> 0:01:09.039 It's my sister right here. Yeah, I love it, Dearly. 0:01:09.319 --> 0:01:13.000 I really like you have done so much for me personally, 0:01:13.040 --> 0:01:16.319 and it's so crazy because like we're not like best 0:01:16.319 --> 0:01:17.479 friends by any means, you know, like. 0:01:17.480 --> 0:01:20.840 I never I see you very rarely, but your. 0:01:20.760 --> 0:01:24.160 Impact on my life has been so great, and so 0:01:24.680 --> 0:01:27.120 when I know you've been on the podcast before, but 0:01:27.200 --> 0:01:29.280 having you in studio is just like a whole different 0:01:29.319 --> 0:01:32.000 feel because I just feel like I gained so much 0:01:32.000 --> 0:01:35.600 from you just by like listening to you and watching you, 0:01:36.000 --> 0:01:38.360 and so to have you here is very exciting for me. 0:01:39.160 --> 0:01:41.600 I'm excited. I'm always excited to see you and just 0:01:41.600 --> 0:01:42.600 grateful for our connection. 0:01:42.880 --> 0:01:44.840 Yeah yeah, me too, me too. 0:01:45.720 --> 0:01:49.160 You We talked to you last in twenty twenty one. 0:01:49.640 --> 0:01:52.160 Oh wow, Yeah, so I feel like a lot has 0:01:52.240 --> 0:01:55.480 changed in your life. You're in a different place altogether, 0:01:55.520 --> 0:01:58.080 as we all are. That was during kind of like pandemic, 0:01:58.200 --> 0:02:02.640 and a lot has happened since then. What's new? What's 0:02:02.680 --> 0:02:04.000 happening in your life right now? 0:02:04.040 --> 0:02:04.240 You know? 0:02:04.400 --> 0:02:07.760 I mean it's just been so busy with work, you know, 0:02:07.880 --> 0:02:12.400 producing you know, this new movie, and started acting, which 0:02:12.440 --> 0:02:15.280 is brand new. I never even thought about acting ever. 0:02:15.400 --> 0:02:17.640 It was never a I mean I used to act 0:02:17.680 --> 0:02:19.760 in like middle school plays and high school plays, but 0:02:19.760 --> 0:02:22.000 I never thought like, oh yeah, I want to act 0:02:22.000 --> 0:02:24.160 in a movie or a TV series. And to now 0:02:24.200 --> 0:02:27.440 be doing that is I mean, that's probably the newest thing, 0:02:27.600 --> 0:02:29.440 which you know, even now, I'm like. 0:02:29.400 --> 0:02:30.400 Wow, that's really cool. 0:02:30.600 --> 0:02:33.800 Yeah, And it's just been a season of just you know, 0:02:33.919 --> 0:02:36.800 navigating a lot of busyness and you know, working on 0:02:36.880 --> 0:02:39.800 trying to, you know, just not be overwhelmed. Right, Like 0:02:40.040 --> 0:02:42.880 everybody wants success, which is great, but at the same time, 0:02:43.000 --> 0:02:44.920 you know, success requires management. 0:02:45.800 --> 0:02:47.359 It's not like, oh it's. 0:02:47.200 --> 0:02:48.959 So easy, Like no, most of the time, if you 0:02:49.000 --> 0:02:51.840 are successful at some level, you're working even harder. And 0:02:51.880 --> 0:02:53.720 so for me, it's just really been trying to, you know, 0:02:53.880 --> 0:02:57.240 stay in the moment, be present, enjoy and not just 0:02:57.360 --> 0:02:59.400 be so overwhelmed by all the things that are happening. 0:02:59.560 --> 0:03:02.160 What was it, Where were you or what happened when 0:03:02.160 --> 0:03:04.000 you had a moment where you were like, I want 0:03:04.000 --> 0:03:05.239 to act now I didn't. 0:03:05.440 --> 0:03:09.640 Oh I didn't. I was offered the role. Oh yeah. 0:03:09.680 --> 0:03:14.280 The producers and the director of this movie called Jesus Revolution. 0:03:14.960 --> 0:03:17.200 They came out earlier this year. 0:03:17.280 --> 0:03:20.560 It was very massive, huge. Yeah. 0:03:20.639 --> 0:03:23.320 Yes, it's highest grossing inspirational film this year so far. 0:03:24.120 --> 0:03:25.320 And so they came to me and they said, hey, 0:03:25.320 --> 0:03:28.080 there's a part that we want you to play of 0:03:28.120 --> 0:03:31.359 this reporter who works for Time magazine. And at first 0:03:31.400 --> 0:03:33.480 I was going to say, well, I'm not an actor. 0:03:33.680 --> 0:03:37.000 That was my first instinct, but then I was like, well, let. 0:03:36.840 --> 0:03:37.520 Me read the script. 0:03:37.720 --> 0:03:39.160 I read the script and I said, oh, I kind 0:03:39.160 --> 0:03:41.360 of like this part. It's a great story. The script's great. 0:03:41.640 --> 0:03:44.520 So I said okay and started working with an acting 0:03:44.560 --> 0:03:48.080 coach and really took it very seriously, and I went 0:03:48.120 --> 0:03:50.320 to set and did what I was instructed to do 0:03:50.360 --> 0:03:50.960 and it went. 0:03:50.800 --> 0:03:53.080 Well, and I was like, oh, this is good. 0:03:53.080 --> 0:03:55.200 And people started seeing the movie saying, oh, wow, you 0:03:55.240 --> 0:03:58.080 look you were great. Nobody even thought like, oh, I 0:03:58.080 --> 0:04:00.360 would have never known you never acted before. So it 0:04:00.440 --> 0:04:03.360 was just an opportunity presented to me, as have all 0:04:03.400 --> 0:04:06.120 the other acting opportunities I've had since then, and I 0:04:06.160 --> 0:04:07.880 have a couple projects that will come out into this year. 0:04:07.920 --> 0:04:09.720 So but it is interesting because I think a lot 0:04:09.760 --> 0:04:13.520 of time in life, people will get offered things and 0:04:13.680 --> 0:04:15.760 you think, oh no, no, no, like that's not me, Like 0:04:15.960 --> 0:04:18.120 that's not my box, Like this is my box and 0:04:18.120 --> 0:04:19.040 that's not my box. 0:04:19.080 --> 0:04:21.000 And I think a lot of people don't have. 0:04:20.960 --> 0:04:24.400 The courage to step out of that and face something 0:04:24.400 --> 0:04:28.960 that is new or scary. Right, what got you through that? 0:04:29.640 --> 0:04:31.279 Because I thought you do that a lot in your career, 0:04:31.320 --> 0:04:34.000 Like you are if I ask you what you are 0:04:34.080 --> 0:04:37.120 you are an author, you are a motivational speaker, you 0:04:37.160 --> 0:04:40.040 are a CEO, you have a production company, you're a producer, 0:04:40.160 --> 0:04:40.800 you're an actor. 0:04:40.839 --> 0:04:43.680 I mean, like, I mean, there's more than I'm forgetting too. 0:04:44.120 --> 0:04:47.480 Yeah, you know, I think it requires a level of 0:04:47.640 --> 0:04:52.160 just ignorance, you know, like, well, I'm not really aware 0:04:52.200 --> 0:04:54.400 of what I can't do, so let me stay ignorant 0:04:54.400 --> 0:04:58.279 to that, right, Like and then also it's like, why 0:04:58.279 --> 0:05:02.080 would I create a la for myself that would limit myself? 0:05:02.880 --> 0:05:05.000 So if I'm like, oh, I'm just the producer, then 0:05:05.240 --> 0:05:07.480 that's cool. Like I do know how to produce. I'm 0:05:07.520 --> 0:05:10.280 a really good producer. But if I only wear that label, 0:05:10.839 --> 0:05:13.560 then that label can block other things that I am. 0:05:13.680 --> 0:05:15.359 I just don't know that I am. So I just 0:05:15.360 --> 0:05:17.320 try to live in the world a possibility like, oh 0:05:17.360 --> 0:05:19.680 well why not, you know, And the worst thing that 0:05:19.720 --> 0:05:22.120 happens is I do this movie and I fail, right, 0:05:22.440 --> 0:05:25.000 all right, Well I didn't quit my day job, you know, Yeah, 0:05:25.040 --> 0:05:27.159 but I had the experience of doing it, and in 0:05:27.240 --> 0:05:29.960 that experience is growth. So no matter what, there's no 0:05:30.040 --> 0:05:32.479 way I could lose. So just living that way of like, 0:05:32.520 --> 0:05:35.160 you know, I don't want to be defined by anything 0:05:35.200 --> 0:05:37.840 I do. I want to, you know, continue to explore 0:05:37.960 --> 0:05:41.320 who I am what's possible, you know, And that's the fun. 0:05:41.520 --> 0:05:43.400 I mean, to learn that I have this other skill 0:05:43.480 --> 0:05:45.160 set that I didn't know I had, and to now 0:05:45.240 --> 0:05:48.240 have opportunities to express it and explore it. That's what 0:05:48.320 --> 0:05:50.520 keeps me doing it. It's like, Oh, before I became 0:05:50.520 --> 0:05:53.200 an author, I didn't know I could write. The opportunity 0:05:53.240 --> 0:05:55.279 was presented, you know, I said, oh, I wrote one book, 0:05:55.320 --> 0:05:57.200 and then oh I have another an idea for this 0:05:57.240 --> 0:05:59.560 book and this book, and now we're like six or 0:05:59.560 --> 0:05:59.960 seven book. 0:06:00.120 --> 0:06:04.240 Then just so that's like a whole other thing to 0:06:04.360 --> 0:06:10.240 be really proud of, because that is truly just. But 0:06:10.279 --> 0:06:12.760 I think that fear of failure is what really stops people. 0:06:12.800 --> 0:06:15.279 And I feel like, but have you experienced failure in 0:06:15.320 --> 0:06:17.880 any way? Because I feel like everything you touches. 0:06:18.200 --> 0:06:19.960 Well no, I mean, you know, look, I think we 0:06:20.080 --> 0:06:24.640 have to then evaluate what is our definition of failure, right, 0:06:24.680 --> 0:06:30.200 because failure traditionally indicates that the result that I wanted 0:06:30.760 --> 0:06:35.480 I didn't get. So then the emotions around that usually 0:06:35.520 --> 0:06:39.520 reveal a level of attachment to a result that probably 0:06:39.600 --> 0:06:45.800 was unhealthy. Right, So if I'm feeling like I failed. Okay, 0:06:45.839 --> 0:06:47.760 well how did you fail? Well, you had a goal, 0:06:47.800 --> 0:06:50.400 you didn't hit it. Well, what did you learn? Oh well, 0:06:50.440 --> 0:06:52.760 here's what I learned. How did you grow? Well, here's 0:06:52.760 --> 0:06:57.360 how I grew. Did you fail? So when I think 0:06:57.400 --> 0:06:59.560 of failure, you know, I look at it through the 0:06:59.640 --> 0:07:01.960 lens of you know, have I had things that didn't 0:07:02.000 --> 0:07:02.920 go the way I wanted? 0:07:03.279 --> 0:07:06.320 Sure, but I'm glad that that happened. You know. 0:07:06.400 --> 0:07:08.280 Not every movie I've worked on has been you know, 0:07:08.320 --> 0:07:10.640 super successful. Not every book that I've written, you know, 0:07:10.680 --> 0:07:13.120 has been a New York Times bestseller at all. But 0:07:13.240 --> 0:07:16.040 then I have to say, Okay, if I'm creating a 0:07:16.080 --> 0:07:20.160 false definition of success as well as a false definition 0:07:20.240 --> 0:07:23.120 of failure, then I'm always going to be subject to 0:07:23.160 --> 0:07:26.280 those definitions. Yeah, instead of allowing the result is what 0:07:26.320 --> 0:07:29.200 the result is? Like learning to be a I mean 0:07:29.400 --> 0:07:31.400 passionate enough to be able to write it or produce 0:07:31.480 --> 0:07:34.440 it or act in it, but detached from the result, like, 0:07:34.480 --> 0:07:35.680 you know, whatever that does? 0:07:35.840 --> 0:07:36.440 How do you do that? 0:07:36.480 --> 0:07:36.680 Though? 0:07:36.720 --> 0:07:39.040 I think that's been what's your quote that you always say, No, 0:07:39.160 --> 0:07:42.000 it's open to the possibility, not attached to the outcome. 0:07:42.400 --> 0:07:45.320 And I think that can make you live a very healthy, 0:07:45.440 --> 0:07:46.200 happy life. 0:07:46.480 --> 0:07:47.760 But I don't know how to do that. 0:07:48.200 --> 0:07:50.960 I am attached to every single outcome. And actually it's 0:07:51.000 --> 0:07:53.120 funny you bring up the New York Times bestseller because 0:07:53.200 --> 0:07:55.760 when we put out the book, I was so attached 0:07:55.760 --> 0:07:58.400 to that outcome, and when it didn't happen, I felt 0:07:58.400 --> 0:07:59.920 like the book was a failure and it was right. 0:08:00.160 --> 0:08:02.640 It like broke my heart because I was I spent 0:08:02.800 --> 0:08:05.720 so much time and effort and energy in it, and 0:08:05.920 --> 0:08:07.560 to me it felt like a failure. And that was 0:08:07.600 --> 0:08:09.520 really hard for me to deal with, like I couldn't 0:08:09.560 --> 0:08:11.560 wrap my head around it. So how do you stay 0:08:11.680 --> 0:08:12.840 attached to the outcome? 0:08:13.200 --> 0:08:16.440 Yes, and I've been there before, right, So anything I'm 0:08:16.440 --> 0:08:18.480 talking about is because I've been there. So I've been 0:08:18.560 --> 0:08:21.000 there when in terms of you know, the books and 0:08:21.760 --> 0:08:24.520 you know, wanting the sales and wanting the list and 0:08:24.800 --> 0:08:28.760 not happening multiple times, and to your point, feeling like, 0:08:28.840 --> 0:08:32.080 oh I failed, and and what has helped me get 0:08:32.120 --> 0:08:36.960 out of that is there's probably not one place I 0:08:37.080 --> 0:08:40.720 go where someone doesn't come up to me and say, 0:08:41.160 --> 0:08:43.440 I have one of your books and it helped me, 0:08:43.720 --> 0:08:45.840 and thank you for what you're doing. And you know 0:08:45.920 --> 0:08:49.400 I mean, And so then I say, Okay, the New 0:08:49.480 --> 0:08:52.280 York Times list is an arbitrary list. 0:08:52.400 --> 0:08:54.199 It's cool, great if we hit it. Cool, I'm not. 0:08:54.240 --> 0:08:55.120 I'm not knocking it. 0:08:55.760 --> 0:08:58.000 But like, you could hit the New York Times best 0:08:58.080 --> 0:09:00.679 seller's list for a variety of reasons and not to anybody. 0:09:01.320 --> 0:09:03.520 So is this about lives, This about changing lives with 0:09:03.559 --> 0:09:05.760 the message that we've been given, or is it about 0:09:05.800 --> 0:09:10.920 an arbitrary, you know, artificial system that's supposed to make 0:09:11.000 --> 0:09:13.280 us feel more accomplished than we are. Right, a New 0:09:13.360 --> 0:09:15.600 York Times bestseller does not make the words any different. 0:09:16.240 --> 0:09:18.560 It's the same words, it's the same book, it's the 0:09:18.600 --> 0:09:22.479 same process. So again, like if it happens, cool, wonderful. 0:09:22.720 --> 0:09:24.200 But at the end of the day, it's about the 0:09:24.240 --> 0:09:27.400 shift of perspective. It's about the people, right, Like I 0:09:27.440 --> 0:09:29.920 wrote this book to change people's hearts and minds, to 0:09:30.120 --> 0:09:32.640 put something positive in the world. And I got to 0:09:32.760 --> 0:09:36.719 work on being you know, detached and agnostic about how 0:09:36.720 --> 0:09:40.120 that happens. Because the more attached I am, then what 0:09:40.200 --> 0:09:44.480 happens is what you've experienced, what I've experienced negative emotion. Right, 0:09:44.559 --> 0:09:46.680 I did not hit the New York Times Bestsellers list. 0:09:46.840 --> 0:09:48.880 I am a failure on some level, or I'm not 0:09:48.920 --> 0:09:53.560 as successful as I thought. Where who's the arbiter of that? 0:09:54.400 --> 0:09:56.959 Who determines that we do? So we create this false 0:09:57.040 --> 0:10:00.040 narrative in our own life, we judge ourselves by it, 0:10:00.120 --> 0:10:03.960 and then what's a perfectly amazing book becomes a book 0:10:04.000 --> 0:10:04.680 that's not so good. 0:10:04.880 --> 0:10:07.640 Yeah, it's all here, it's all in our mind. 0:10:07.640 --> 0:10:10.240 It has nothing to do with reality. Anybody that picks 0:10:10.280 --> 0:10:11.679 up the book is going to get so much out 0:10:11.720 --> 0:10:13.040 of it. I know I got a lot out of it. 0:10:13.360 --> 0:10:13.600 You know. 0:10:13.640 --> 0:10:15.199 There's so much in the book that I think is 0:10:15.640 --> 0:10:19.160 life changing and perspective changing and shifting. So it's really 0:10:19.160 --> 0:10:21.240 about saying, Okay, what are the things here that I 0:10:21.240 --> 0:10:24.800 can focus on that will keep me in a positive emotion, 0:10:24.840 --> 0:10:27.400 in a positive mental state, and let me work on 0:10:27.520 --> 0:10:30.679 releasing anything that will not Yeah. Right, so, and I'm 0:10:30.720 --> 0:10:34.160 not even saying the next book, Sure, work towards the list, 0:10:34.320 --> 0:10:36.880 no problem. But do it from a place of joy, right, 0:10:37.280 --> 0:10:39.120 do it from a place of this is exciting, you know, 0:10:39.160 --> 0:10:41.400 and great. And what I learned is, oh, these are 0:10:41.400 --> 0:10:43.240 the things that have to be done and truth be 0:10:43.280 --> 0:10:44.719 told most of the. 0:10:44.679 --> 0:10:45.560 Time hitting the list. 0:10:45.720 --> 0:10:49.160 Beyond the type of press that has done for a book, 0:10:49.960 --> 0:10:51.240 A lot of has to just do with the. 0:10:51.280 --> 0:10:52.760 Number of people that you're reaching. 0:10:52.880 --> 0:10:55.480 So if you're reaching a number of people, you know 0:10:55.559 --> 0:10:59.520 in advance or timed right around release, you know, it 0:10:59.520 --> 0:11:02.600 gives you a better chance to be acknowledged. So it's like, Okay, 0:11:02.679 --> 0:11:04.520 let me focus on the people. How can I get 0:11:04.520 --> 0:11:06.199 to people? How can I sell this message to people? 0:11:06.360 --> 0:11:08.679 And then let's see what's meant to be. And just 0:11:08.720 --> 0:11:11.280 like a seed, every seed's different. Some books are not 0:11:11.480 --> 0:11:14.880 meant to do that and other books will. So it's hard. 0:11:14.960 --> 0:11:17.320 I get it. I totally get it. You're absolutely right. 0:11:17.760 --> 0:11:20.160 It's the work that I'm doing so that I don't 0:11:20.360 --> 0:11:23.520 take myself to a negative place that I don't have to. 0:11:43.240 --> 0:11:47.600 I will say though that experience, I remember I faced 0:11:47.600 --> 0:11:50.320 one of my facts. I was fearing rejection asking you 0:11:50.360 --> 0:11:52.080 to endorse the book, Like I was, like, I didn't 0:11:52.080 --> 0:11:54.040 want to ask you because they were talking about who 0:11:54.040 --> 0:11:55.560 do you want to endorse it? And they were saying, 0:11:55.640 --> 0:11:57.640 is there somebody in the book space that you really admire? 0:11:57.679 --> 0:11:59.320 And like you were the first name that came to mind. 0:11:59.320 --> 0:12:01.880 But I was like, we're not really like close friends, 0:12:01.880 --> 0:12:03.400 so I'm scared. I don't want to ask him, like 0:12:03.480 --> 0:12:05.200 and just was scared you were going to say no 0:12:05.480 --> 0:12:08.160 or like ignore the message or whatever. And then when 0:12:08.200 --> 0:12:09.800 you said yes, I was like, wow, Like why do 0:12:09.920 --> 0:12:12.839 I not do things that made me like a little 0:12:12.840 --> 0:12:14.680 bit nervous, you know, like I always do. I stay 0:12:14.840 --> 0:12:16.839 very in my comfort zone. I never stepped out of it. 0:12:16.880 --> 0:12:18.959 And that was something that like I stepped out of 0:12:19.000 --> 0:12:20.600 it for and it really was like paid off in 0:12:20.640 --> 0:12:22.400 such a beautiful way, Like it made me feel so 0:12:22.480 --> 0:12:24.720 good and supported and like I don't know, so that 0:12:24.800 --> 0:12:27.040 was like a big moment for me that you're part of. 0:12:27.200 --> 0:12:32.560 Yeah, and I know, why not thinking of me? 0:12:33.280 --> 0:12:33.520 Yeah? 0:12:33.559 --> 0:12:35.720 Oh yeah, it was no problem And the book was great, 0:12:35.760 --> 0:12:37.480 and you know, I was happy to support it in any. 0:12:37.360 --> 0:12:39.240 Way I could. And you're working on another book too. 0:12:39.320 --> 0:12:40.280 I'm working on another book. 0:12:40.320 --> 0:12:41.960 Can you tell us a little bit about Yeah. 0:12:42.000 --> 0:12:46.000 The book is called One of One and it's basically 0:12:46.000 --> 0:12:49.320 the true meaning behind being single? Uh, and it's ironic, 0:12:49.400 --> 0:12:51.760 Like I didn't know what it meant to be single 0:12:52.440 --> 0:12:55.160 until I came single again after divorce, crazy, and then 0:12:55.200 --> 0:12:59.000 what I realized is that we're all single, no matter 0:12:59.040 --> 0:13:02.960 of your relationship stat because we're all individuals and a 0:13:03.000 --> 0:13:06.120 couple is only as strong as the two singles that 0:13:06.200 --> 0:13:09.760 make up the couple. And so often we don't actually 0:13:09.800 --> 0:13:12.560 focus on who we are as an individual and harness 0:13:12.600 --> 0:13:14.559 the power of that, because we spend so much time 0:13:14.760 --> 0:13:18.080 looking for a relationship and then we get into a couple. 0:13:18.120 --> 0:13:19.720 But because we don't know how to be a good single, 0:13:20.000 --> 0:13:21.560 we don't know how to be one with ourselves. How 0:13:21.559 --> 0:13:24.600 can we be one with someone else? And then we 0:13:24.679 --> 0:13:26.280 overburdened the relationship. 0:13:26.720 --> 0:13:30.880 You're definitely preaching to the choir here because when's this book. 0:13:31.400 --> 0:13:33.240 Yeah, when this is coming out. 0:13:33.600 --> 0:13:36.040 I'm working on it now, it'll be I'm open, like 0:13:36.080 --> 0:13:37.280 in the first quarter next year. 0:13:37.280 --> 0:13:43.720 That's yeah, Yes, tell us more. 0:13:43.800 --> 0:13:46.280 What have you learned in this new era? 0:13:46.480 --> 0:13:49.960 Please? Oh man, No, I've learned so much because I mean, 0:13:50.000 --> 0:13:53.439 you were married for year decade and so I feel 0:13:53.480 --> 0:13:55.400 like that. You know, we were talking about how when 0:13:55.400 --> 0:13:58.760 you you do become dependent on another person in a 0:13:58.800 --> 0:14:01.720 weird way, just natural happens when you're with somebody for 0:14:01.840 --> 0:14:06.480 several years. Yes, but you can't lose yourself in that. 0:14:06.720 --> 0:14:09.400 And sometimes it's sometimes it's easier and sometimes it's harder. 0:14:09.440 --> 0:14:11.680 And I feel like, is that what you learned after 0:14:12.120 --> 0:14:12.680 your divorce? 0:14:12.880 --> 0:14:13.080 Well? 0:14:13.080 --> 0:14:15.960 In part, you know, in part it's like, okay, you 0:14:16.000 --> 0:14:18.959 know if I focus on it being being. 0:14:18.760 --> 0:14:21.720 An individual, right, Well, what does it mean for me 0:14:21.760 --> 0:14:23.000 to be an individual? You know? 0:14:23.160 --> 0:14:25.720 Am I loving to myself? Do I care for myself? 0:14:26.080 --> 0:14:29.000 Do I keep space for myself? Do I give grace 0:14:29.080 --> 0:14:32.280 to myself? So what in my experience what happens is 0:14:32.520 --> 0:14:35.760 a lot of times we're waiting to be with someone 0:14:35.800 --> 0:14:36.640 to do those things. 0:14:36.760 --> 0:14:40.720 Oh my gosh, it's like he's speaking, keep going and 0:14:40.840 --> 0:14:42.200 keep going, keep going. 0:14:42.240 --> 0:14:46.240 So what happens is that when we don't become the 0:14:46.360 --> 0:14:50.360 number one generator of grace and space and love and 0:14:50.400 --> 0:14:54.680 happiness and joy for ourself, we then overburden. 0:14:54.120 --> 0:14:56.360 The relationship to do something it's not designed to. 0:14:56.320 --> 0:15:01.360 Do because somebody, even if they don't, they can't articulate it. 0:15:01.920 --> 0:15:05.920 If you carry an energy in your relationship that you 0:15:06.000 --> 0:15:08.320 need this person to be your source of happiness, you 0:15:08.400 --> 0:15:10.640 need this person to be your source of joy, You 0:15:10.720 --> 0:15:13.479 need this person to be your source of recreation, entertainment, 0:15:13.840 --> 0:15:18.840 they are going to reject you subconsciously because all of 0:15:18.920 --> 0:15:20.840 us know that's not how we're set up. I'm not 0:15:20.880 --> 0:15:22.920 set up to be somebody else's source. Yeah, I'm not 0:15:22.960 --> 0:15:24.840 set up to be your No, no, no, I can. 0:15:24.920 --> 0:15:27.360 I can make a contribution to your happiness, but I don't. 0:15:27.360 --> 0:15:29.520 Don't expect me to make you happy every day, because 0:15:29.520 --> 0:15:31.400 I guarantee there gonna be many days I'll make you sad. 0:15:32.080 --> 0:15:36.080 So this idea of being one of one, you got 0:15:36.080 --> 0:15:37.480 a hilarious. 0:15:39.360 --> 0:15:41.200 I know, well, because we're I mean we're I think 0:15:41.200 --> 0:15:41.560 we're in. 0:15:41.480 --> 0:15:45.040 A season of life that you're really speaking to right now. 0:15:45.320 --> 0:15:47.960 So yeah, yeah, yeah, Well for me, it's like, okay, 0:15:48.000 --> 0:15:51.560 knowing that I'm one of one, Oh great, Okay, that 0:15:51.600 --> 0:15:54.760 means I'm rare. It means I'm valuable. It means that 0:15:55.440 --> 0:15:59.040 I'm not defined by who I'm with. I'm defined by 0:15:59.040 --> 0:16:00.920 the fact that I was bold, that I'm in this 0:16:01.040 --> 0:16:03.640 earth and I'm doing I'm a unique individual and that's 0:16:03.680 --> 0:16:07.120 important because in a relationship, there's a tendency to give 0:16:07.200 --> 0:16:10.480 up that individuality. And I believe that this is why 0:16:10.520 --> 0:16:12.200 so many relationships don't work, and that's why people are 0:16:12.200 --> 0:16:16.640 so happy unhappy is because they are not themselves. If 0:16:16.640 --> 0:16:19.200 this is the irony you get with somebody, whether it's 0:16:19.240 --> 0:16:21.920 in a relationship or marriage, and they become the person 0:16:21.920 --> 0:16:24.760 you're less truthful with. You tell the people outside of 0:16:24.760 --> 0:16:26.480 the relationship all the stuff that you wish you could 0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:27.040 tell your partner. 0:16:27.440 --> 0:16:29.880 That makes that's crazy. 0:16:29.680 --> 0:16:32.360 And then we wonder why relationships don't work because we 0:16:32.480 --> 0:16:34.760 are not being ourselves and we're not harnessing the power 0:16:34.760 --> 0:16:36.360 of what it means to be one of one, to 0:16:36.400 --> 0:16:38.920 be an individual, to have an individual way of thinking. 0:16:39.120 --> 0:16:41.720 And then I bring that to the relationship. A great 0:16:41.760 --> 0:16:47.240 relationship will enhance individuality. It won't cause individuality to be diminished. 0:16:47.520 --> 0:16:50.400 And that's something that I did not know before getting, 0:16:50.480 --> 0:16:53.240 you know, married. Right before I was married, I thought like, oh, 0:16:53.640 --> 0:16:55.600 similar to what everybody thinks. Oh, you know, you find 0:16:55.640 --> 0:16:57.760 love and then that's when life happens. And I did 0:16:57.800 --> 0:17:01.720 find love and life was great. But when I bought 0:17:01.760 --> 0:17:04.639 into the myth that the relationship or the marriage was 0:17:04.720 --> 0:17:09.720 going to make me happier yeah than when I was uncoupled, 0:17:10.600 --> 0:17:14.320 that myth was very destructive because it wasn't true. And 0:17:14.359 --> 0:17:16.320 this is the bill of goods we sell. Everybody get 0:17:16.320 --> 0:17:19.960 into a relationship, fine, love, find marriage, it's the answer. 0:17:20.119 --> 0:17:21.359 Yeah, it's the fairy tale. 0:17:21.440 --> 0:17:24.760 It's the fairy tale. And we had people squandering the 0:17:24.800 --> 0:17:29.120 period of time when they're uncoupled looking for somebody, when 0:17:29.200 --> 0:17:31.760 really you should be looking for yourself. Who am I, 0:17:31.920 --> 0:17:34.439 What do I want? What are my experiences? What do 0:17:34.480 --> 0:17:34.800 I like? 0:17:34.880 --> 0:17:35.800 What don't I like? 0:17:36.119 --> 0:17:39.359 So, then when I'm in a relationship, what happens is 0:17:39.400 --> 0:17:41.639 if I know if I have a stronger sense of self, right, 0:17:41.640 --> 0:17:43.480 because every relationship can teach us more about ourselves. But 0:17:43.520 --> 0:17:46.080 let's say have a strong sense of self and I 0:17:46.119 --> 0:17:48.000 have grace for myself, and I have space for myself, 0:17:48.200 --> 0:17:50.320 I'm gonna have space for my partner. I'm gonna have 0:17:50.320 --> 0:17:52.879 grace for my partner. If I have a short temper 0:17:52.920 --> 0:17:54.520 with me, I'm gonna have a short temper with them. 0:17:55.119 --> 0:17:57.680 If I don't really like me, I'm gonna have a 0:17:57.680 --> 0:18:00.159 problem with them. I'm gonna find fault with them. Right, 0:18:00.200 --> 0:18:02.800 anything that I'm pointing the finger out usually is a 0:18:02.800 --> 0:18:06.080 mirror for something I'm not feeling inside. So this idea 0:18:06.080 --> 0:18:07.760 of being one of one and say, okay, even if 0:18:07.800 --> 0:18:10.560 I'm in a relationship, I'm a single, what makes me 0:18:10.600 --> 0:18:12.760 a good single? What do I need to do in 0:18:12.800 --> 0:18:14.600 my life to be the best single I can be? 0:18:15.240 --> 0:18:19.200 And then how do I share that with someone instead 0:18:19.240 --> 0:18:22.960 of demanding Because here's what happens. We demand that people perform. 0:18:23.200 --> 0:18:24.360 Oh my gosh, well in a. 0:18:24.320 --> 0:18:28.880 Relationship, you better do this right or well, why does 0:18:29.080 --> 0:18:31.280 doing that matter so much? I'm not saying that you 0:18:31.520 --> 0:18:34.680 should negotiate in a relationship? What makes you all one? 0:18:34.800 --> 0:18:36.120 What makes the relationship work? 0:18:36.200 --> 0:18:37.080 Talk about it? 0:18:37.400 --> 0:18:39.879 But so often because we're not doing the work on 0:18:39.920 --> 0:18:43.080 the inside, we're not figuring out what's going on in us. 0:18:43.480 --> 0:18:44.840