Speaker 1: Hell I Suck Good Dating with Dean, Vanessa and Jared
Speaker 1: and I Heart Radio Podcast. Hey everybody, and welcome to
Speaker 1: an all new episode of Help I Suck At Dating.
Speaker 1: I'm Jared have been joined always by Dean Haben. Have
Speaker 1: you got that? I don't think I've ever pronounced that properly?
Speaker 1: It's alright, Dean, tell the people who you are. Hey, everyone,
Speaker 1: I'm Dean, so welcome to the episode. Guys. We have
Speaker 1: a special guest that's on the phone right now. Her
Speaker 1: name is Lauren Burger. Lauren, Hello out there? Are you there?
Speaker 1: I'm here. Hi, guys, Hey Lauren, We're great. How are
Speaker 1: you good? Well? Thank you so much for joining us.
Speaker 1: I did pronounce your last name correctly, right? Burger Burger
Speaker 1: Burger perfect? Yeah, that's perfect. I thought of burgermeister from
Speaker 1: Santa Claus is coming to town? Anybody? And oh, I'm
Speaker 1: glad you got that reference Burger based meister Burger great well,
Speaker 1: Burger jokes aside, Lauren, tell us a little bit about yourself. Well,
Speaker 1: thanks for having me on the show. CEO and founder
Speaker 1: of a website called career Queen dot com and intern
Speaker 1: Queen dot Com. Both are free websites. That help people
Speaker 1: get from where they are to wherever they want to be.
Speaker 1: And my third book just came out today, which is
Speaker 1: very exciting. So it's called Get It Together, and it's
Speaker 1: all about it's all that how busy we are and
Speaker 1: how we all want to kind of disconnect and how
Speaker 1: we need to disconnect if we're ever going to be
Speaker 1: seeing people and just how to you know, work smarter
Speaker 1: and not harder. When when you say disconnect, what do
Speaker 1: you mean by that? Because we haven't had in the
Speaker 1: past someone who said she dropped her phone to better
Speaker 1: connect with the people around her. Is that kind of
Speaker 1: what you're talking to Yeah, yeah, exactly, And just you know, um,
Speaker 1: we're also anxious, We're also stressed, we're also overworked. You know,
Speaker 1: something that I started doing is I stopped scrolling Instagram
Speaker 1: before I go to sleep, Like when I go upstairs
Speaker 1: to go to bed, Instagram does not come, you know,
Speaker 1: And it's really kind of training yourself to not look
Speaker 1: at those things that are just going to kind of
Speaker 1: give you, you know, a little bit of anxiety, so
Speaker 1: not to get person. What do you do before you
Speaker 1: fall as? Do you read? Now? Um, I I read,
Speaker 1: I'll go to like shopping websites, because for me, that's
Speaker 1: relaxing and I'm not getting caught up in what other
Speaker 1: people are doing. But I've really found that disconnecting. I
Speaker 1: even I'm the CEO of a company. I've been running
Speaker 1: it for ten years. It's super successful. I took my
Speaker 1: email off my phone and I got a lot of
Speaker 1: guilt trips about it. But you know what, I'm okay,
Speaker 1: the business is okay, and I'm so much you know,
Speaker 1: I'm just better able to connect with the people around me.
Speaker 1: I'm more engaged with conversation. So I think it's really
Speaker 1: all about that disconnection. While while on the topic of anxiety, quickly,
Speaker 1: I've noticed myself before falling asleep, especially lately, maybe over
Speaker 1: the past six month or so, I'm getting incredibly anxious,
Speaker 1: especially when I'm watching a show that I've already watched before.
Speaker 1: Like if I was put on in the office, I'm okay,
Speaker 1: I'm not like benefiting anything from it, you know. And
Speaker 1: so it's like I'm sitting there and I'm like, what
Speaker 1: am I doing? Why am I doing this? Like I'm
Speaker 1: not dating anything from anything, and I would like you
Speaker 1: go to sleep anxious, and I most sometimes it makes
Speaker 1: me feel more comfortable when I'm watching a show that
Speaker 1: I know, well, that's before I go to bed, That's
Speaker 1: what I'm used to doing. Like I said, I've watched
Speaker 1: off as maybe like twenty times from trying to finish.
Speaker 1: But now I'm like, well, where is the utility in that?
Speaker 1: Like why I should be reading or you're doing something
Speaker 1: more constructive. I guess yeah, And I feel like it's
Speaker 1: about Like in the book, I talk a lot about
Speaker 1: knowing your need. That it's knowing what works for you.
Speaker 1: You know what makes you anxious, what doesn't, and then
Speaker 1: really you know, making sure that you follow that you
Speaker 1: follows through um on. You know, whatever is going to
Speaker 1: relax you and whatever's gonna help you disconnect. It's different
Speaker 1: for everybody. So would you say that disconnecting for you
Speaker 1: isn't necessarily getting off your phone or the internet, but
Speaker 1: it's more so getting off of social media. For me,
Speaker 1: disconnecting is getting off of social media. I don't want
Speaker 1: to look at who my boyfriend from high school is dating.
Speaker 1: I don't want to look at a competitor, you know,
Speaker 1: the other career coaches in the land. Um you know,
Speaker 1: I want to disconnect to a funny I did another
Speaker 1: podcast with a rav reality star and maybe you guys
Speaker 1: can relate to this because of the nature of your jobs.
Speaker 1: And I was telling her that for me, I can
Speaker 1: go to tmz dot com and that helps me disconnect,
Speaker 1: and she was like, not for me, that just makes
Speaker 1: me feel like I'm not cool enough and I should
Speaker 1: be going to the nice guy every night. So I
Speaker 1: don't know how you guys feel about that, but for me,
Speaker 1: you know, social media, I can I disconnect by not
Speaker 1: being on Instagram, but I can relax by going on
Speaker 1: like t m Z or some you know, celebrity gossip site. Um,
Speaker 1: so what got you started into this industry anyway? Because
Speaker 1: you're your big thing is about finding an internship and
Speaker 1: you have a YouTube successful YouTube channel about it, You've
Speaker 1: written three books. How did you even begin to start
Speaker 1: this process? Yeah? So I had fifteen internships when I
Speaker 1: was in college, which is kind of crazy. Yea. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I live in l A now also, and um when
Speaker 1: I was trying to find an internship, no one could
Speaker 1: help me, and I just wanted a better way and
Speaker 1: a better resource. So I started intern Queen with five
Speaker 1: thousand dollars of personal savings. I've never taken any investment
Speaker 1: money and you know, ten years later, not only do
Speaker 1: we have intern Queen Um, which helps people get internships
Speaker 1: and career advice, but we also launched the Career Queen Network.
Speaker 1: What's the Career Queen Network? So correct, I should have
Speaker 1: followed up with that. Career Queen is is kind of
Speaker 1: the six sister site to intern Queen. So now we
Speaker 1: can help all of those young people that kind of
Speaker 1: grew up with intern Queen, we can help them connect
Speaker 1: with kind of the next step, which is that job.
Speaker 1: So it's uh, you know, free job advice. M I
Speaker 1: love that. No, that's really cool. Um, it's interesting too
Speaker 1: because obviously we're a dating podcast, and so from your
Speaker 1: perspective being very busy in the career world internships, I mean,
Speaker 1: you have fifteen internships during college. Um, if you don't
Speaker 1: mind me asking, are you you're married? Correct? I'm married, yes,
Speaker 1: and my husband's actually an entrepreneur, so that definitely helps.
Speaker 1: So how in your personal opinion do you balance work
Speaker 1: with relationships? Yeah, you know, I think it's about prioritizing
Speaker 1: and even for people that are driven by work like myself,
Speaker 1: I think and I talked about this in the book too.
Speaker 1: It's so important to put family and relationships first. And
Speaker 1: like I said, my husband Um runs the business, runs
Speaker 1: his own business as well, and so if we wanted to,
Speaker 1: we could both be on our phones all day, all night.
Speaker 1: But it's really a matter of saying, Okay, you know,
Speaker 1: this is disconnection time for us. It's when I get home.
Speaker 1: We always go for a walk. We hall it taken
Speaker 1: a loop around the neighborhood, and it's our time to
Speaker 1: leave our phones home and for an hour just kind
Speaker 1: of connect with each other. So I think it's about prioritizing,
Speaker 1: you know, a couple time and really taking that just
Speaker 1: as seriously as you were taking meeting for work. Well,
Speaker 1: I think to the stuff that you help others with,
Speaker 1: like curving anxiety, disconnecting, all that kind of stuff then
Speaker 1: plays into being a better partner and leads to more
Speaker 1: successful relationships at I would imagine it would. Yeah, absolutely,
Speaker 1: I mean, how are you going to meet a guy
Speaker 1: at a bar if you're sitting there scrolling on your phone? Right, Like,
Speaker 1: you have to be kind of present and you have
Speaker 1: to take in every experience and really kind of make
Speaker 1: the most of it. And then you know, it's funny,
Speaker 1: My intern queen message is put yourself out there and
Speaker 1: don't take no for an answer. And I feel like
Speaker 1: in the dating world, you know, I think that's important
Speaker 1: to you. Why I I don't. I believe in putting
Speaker 1: yourselves out there. I'm always telling my single friends, like,
Speaker 1: you know, go up to your go up to that guy,
Speaker 1: introduce yourself, Like what's the worst that can happen? He's
Speaker 1: gonna say no, who cares? You know, then he's not
Speaker 1: the right guy anyway. So I'm all about just putting
Speaker 1: yourself out there and really not following too many rules
Speaker 1: while dating. I mean I certainly did not play it
Speaker 1: cool at all when I met my husband. Cool. I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm just not cool, sound awesome. I mean, you know,
Speaker 1: you're not supposed to. Most of my friends if they
Speaker 1: meet a guy, like, they won't tax, they won't call.
Speaker 1: I was texting and callative NonStop. Up. I think I
Speaker 1: asked him to take me. I was like, hey, after
Speaker 1: like our second day, it was like, I'm flying back
Speaker 1: into l a X. You should really take me up
Speaker 1: from the airport. You know. I really didn't wait for
Speaker 1: him to make the move. I knew what I wanted
Speaker 1: and I didn't want to pause for her game thing.
Speaker 1: I guess, so I just kind of went for it.
Speaker 1: I respect that. I respect that a lot. And you
Speaker 1: just put yourself up there, your very forward. It's not
Speaker 1: going to work out right when someone's obviously got to
Speaker 1: kind of get the ball role and with all that
Speaker 1: kind of stuff as well. So quick question in your
Speaker 1: book this, I believe it's this new one that came
Speaker 1: out right, there's a steam guiding principles did you have
Speaker 1: in there that you've outline right? Yep? So could you
Speaker 1: give us like a quick maybe top three of the
Speaker 1: seventeen guiding principles that you want to share with the listeners? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I think you know. One of my favorite ones is
Speaker 1: do things based on your method, not your mood. A
Speaker 1: simple example of this is, you know, you say you're
Speaker 1: not going to go to the gym. A friend said
Speaker 1: to me last night, like, do you want to go
Speaker 1: to the gym tomorrow or are you gonna be too tired?
Speaker 1: I'm like no, no, no, Like, the plan is to
Speaker 1: go to the gym. We're not going to roll on
Speaker 1: my mood, which would be being tired. You know, we're
Speaker 1: gonna go. We're gonna stick to the script here and
Speaker 1: the and the script said, I want to go to
Speaker 1: the gym. So do things based on your method and
Speaker 1: not your mood. Your mood doesn't matter, you know. You
Speaker 1: really got to stick to the script and you know,
Speaker 1: stick to your plan. And the same advice goes towards
Speaker 1: if you're having a bad day. Two weeks ago, I
Speaker 1: had two of my employees quit out of nowhere. It
Speaker 1: was a terrible day. But if I let that throw
Speaker 1: my whole day, I wouldn't have gotten anything done. So
Speaker 1: when that happened, I stuck to the script and I
Speaker 1: followed through in my original schedule for the day, and
Speaker 1: I just got I got things done, you know. So
Speaker 1: I think that one of the most important pieces of
Speaker 1: the of advice in the book is I talked about
Speaker 1: that a lot um. The other is embracing rejection. I
Speaker 1: started my business with five thousand dollars. It's doing really well.
Speaker 1: And if I would have let the nose or the
Speaker 1: rejection stop me, I wouldn't be anywhere. So I always say, like,
Speaker 1: get married to rejection, you know, embrace rejection, Love rejection,
Speaker 1: because it really helps me get from where I was
Speaker 1: to where I am today. Do you have a secret
Speaker 1: to everybody listening on how to better handle rejection, because
Speaker 1: I think for me personally, it's really tough being told no, no, no,
Speaker 1: and then keep really being persistent and moving forward. Do
Speaker 1: you have any type of secret that you can tell
Speaker 1: everybody be like, listen, this is how you can accept
Speaker 1: and move on with rejection. We should get Ashley to
Speaker 1: come and speak to that. One thing that I really
Speaker 1: like doing. And maybe this is kind of a tip,
Speaker 1: is whoever rejects you, whether it's you know which, maybe
Speaker 1: you're going after a job or um, you're pitching your opportunity.
Speaker 1: When that person rejects you, friend that person on LinkedIn,
Speaker 1: become their best friend and stay in touch with them
Speaker 1: three times a year. Turn that no into a yes.
Speaker 1: And I'm telling you I've been doing this for over
Speaker 1: ten years, and there are so many deals that I get,
Speaker 1: so many cool brands that I work with, and I've
Speaker 1: been after those people for three years, you know, and
Speaker 1: they've been saying no for years. But I turned that
Speaker 1: no into a yes simply by staying in touch. So
Speaker 1: I really think that um, you know, taking it manage
Speaker 1: of those contacts that you're getting, even the people that
Speaker 1: are saying no can really help. I think that was
Speaker 1: so before, maybe a couple of years ago, I was
Speaker 1: in a sales role at a staffing agency, and in
Speaker 1: those sales roles, you are constantly being told no, and
Speaker 1: I just think my psyche was unable to handle it.
Speaker 1: Got to the point where I was like, you know,
Speaker 1: you talked to a hundred people a day and all
Speaker 1: hundred people say no, But then the next day, like
Speaker 1: nine people will say no, one will say yes. I
Speaker 1: just like I wasn't really able to get past that
Speaker 1: that roadblock for me personally. So I wish I had
Speaker 1: a book like yours to read when I was Yeah,
Speaker 1: and it's funny you say that I have a whole
Speaker 1: chapter about refining your goals, and I talked about exactly that,
Speaker 1: which is for me. I like to know the numbers
Speaker 1: like and this might sound a little crazy, but as
Speaker 1: a as a businesswoman, I know that if I spend
Speaker 1: a hundred cold pitch emails, I'm probably going to get
Speaker 1: about ten responses. I'm probably going to get on the
Speaker 1: phone with five of those people. I'm going to close
Speaker 1: one deal. And the power of knowing your numbers is
Speaker 1: really big because then you don't have to get caught
Speaker 1: up in the nose. You already expect them, you know
Speaker 1: they're going to happen. Yeah, it's very true. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: think that that same logic can apply to dating, as
Speaker 1: Jared was saying too, just because well and same with
Speaker 1: how you met your husband. Obviously, you've got to be persistent,
Speaker 1: especially if you know it's something and someone that you want.
Speaker 1: And I can go a long way, especially in today's
Speaker 1: landscape and and dating world, I feel like, yeah, absolutely, yeah, agreed, Lauren,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for joining us today. We really
Speaker 1: appreciate it. So please tell everybody where they can find you. Yeah, absolutely, Well,
Speaker 1: you guys can follow me at Official Career Queen and
Speaker 1: at Internal Queen. I'm gonna send you guys messages after
Speaker 1: this and then Get It Together is out today, so
Speaker 1: you guys can get it on Amazon, at Barnes and Noble,
Speaker 1: atok Milion or anymore work books are sold. Great, We'll
Speaker 1: make sure everybody pick up a copy today. Get It Together.
Speaker 1: We should have you jump on Ben's podcast Lady Bosses.
Speaker 1: I feel like they'd be Yeah, definitely, I would love doing.
Speaker 1: I'm a huge Bachelor fan, So I love to you guys,
Speaker 1: and you guys are coming at Lauren. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: We appreciate it. Thank you again for calling in, Lauren.
Speaker 1: It's it's great to hear you're doing great. Talk to
Speaker 1: you soon. All right, Thanks Lauren. Well, she was very sweet.
Speaker 1: That was very nice. I think a lot of that
Speaker 1: lodge that she obviously is more of a business centric
Speaker 1: minded person, but I think a lot of that logic
Speaker 1: can apply to dating as well. Oh, I agree the
Speaker 1: the idea of failing but then trying to still be
Speaker 1: persistent because everybody, like how many times you've been we've
Speaker 1: had messages about people being rejected or dates not working out,
Speaker 1: and they just feel so deflated they never want to
Speaker 1: go on another date again. But here's a woman who's saying, no,
Speaker 1: what you need to do is just keep pushing and
Speaker 1: accept the know and accept the rejection, but understand that
Speaker 1: it will get better and just to keep pushing forward.
Speaker 1: That's a good message. It's like when my body tells
Speaker 1: my tells my head to work out. Yeah, it's like
Speaker 1: when I look in the mirror every day and I'm like,
Speaker 1: you know what, it's just not worth going to the
Speaker 1: gym because I'm not gonna because you just don't want
Speaker 1: to drive to the gym that and I just I'm like,
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm not going to see any results,
Speaker 1: but you just gotta push through that. It's the method,
Speaker 1: not the mood. Jared in one way to develop the
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Speaker 1: perfectly honest with you, guys. I've been slacking a little
Speaker 1: bit and I'm getting a little dully around this the
Speaker 1: mid region. I'm not doing my hip hop abs as
Speaker 1: much as I should be, but I'm gonna get back
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Speaker 1: Be sure to try beach Body on Demand. Like I said,
Speaker 1: I gotta get back into get my apps back in shape.
Speaker 1: I was actually looking through old pictures of like when
Speaker 1: I was traveling, because I was just in Mexico with
Speaker 1: with my buddy Courtney, and I posted a picture and
Speaker 1: everyone was like, Okay, dad, bod weird flex whatever it is,
Speaker 1: And so I was like going through my old pictures.
Speaker 1: I was like, I should probably post a picture from
Speaker 1: when I was doing Beach Body on Demand to remind
Speaker 1: myself that I can sometimes have hip hop app Dean,
Speaker 1: you do not have a dead bod whatso ever. But
Speaker 1: sometimes I do that too. I'll look at old pictures
Speaker 1: of myself and just I'll, i'll, i'll fat shame myself.
Speaker 1: I'm like, you, you piece of crap. You need to
Speaker 1: get back in the gym. Look at you look so
Speaker 1: much better then, and look at you now. Look how
Speaker 1: horrible you look now? Exactly? You have beautiful fiance. You
Speaker 1: need to get your ass back in the gym. Can
Speaker 1: we get a time? Can we give an ness on
Speaker 1: the phone. I miss hearing her voice. Let's let's get her.
Speaker 1: Let's get her on the phone and get her on
Speaker 1: the phone. If you haven't listened to last week's episode,
Speaker 1: I'm just talking to everyone in the studio right now,
Speaker 1: not the listeners, per se. Okay, so continue listen to
Speaker 1: last week's episode of The Finessic Maldi. Her good friend
Speaker 1: Brandy Cyrus joined her as a co host. Oh look
Speaker 1: what the cat dragged in? Um, I missed you guys.
Speaker 1: We want to do you more? Do you want to
Speaker 1: do FaceTime audio or is this okay? We can't do
Speaker 1: FaceTime audio, so we're gonna do it this way. What's up, Vanessa? Uh?
Speaker 1: Not much. I was waiting for you guys to call
Speaker 1: me listen. Full disclosure. I don't care anymore. Vanessa Texas
Speaker 1: dan And said, don't have them coming right now. I'm pooping.
Speaker 1: So the question is, Vanessa, are you still pooping? No?
Speaker 1: I washed my hand and sitting on my shower now
Speaker 1: in my kitchens that we're good. Yeah, it's okay. We
Speaker 1: all pumped out. I loved it, loved it. So, Vanessa,
Speaker 1: you had a solo podcast last week that um I
Speaker 1: did you listen to? And just can you give, like
Speaker 1: everybody a brief summary of what you talked about. Yeah, so,
Speaker 1: first of all, I keep messaging well, I keep putting
Speaker 1: it out there. All the thank you for people who
Speaker 1: have been listening, who did listen to week's episode. Brandy
Speaker 1: Cyrus was on l through the mendep even had Dr
Speaker 1: Jennifer um who basically told me, then the next six months,
Speaker 1: I'm going to detox from everything. And I remember what
Speaker 1: she said about like the last thirty years, like something
Speaker 1: about the moon and the stars or something. Anyway, we're
Speaker 1: moving into the year at the age of Scorpio or something.
Speaker 1: Isn't that right right now? Yeah? Something that Um, everything
Speaker 1: that I've learned the last thirty years, I've learned, I've
Speaker 1: I've grown from it, and now I'm you know, I'm
Speaker 1: I'm going to move on into like bigger and better things.
Speaker 1: So it was like a really great I guess the
Speaker 1: reading I can call it that, But I really opened
Speaker 1: up about my dating life, the last person I was
Speaker 1: dating UM and how that didn't work out, and how
Speaker 1: you can be really disappointed when even if you're dating
Speaker 1: someone for like a week or three months or whatever,
Speaker 1: which is really funny. I was just on the phone
Speaker 1: with with Taylor no one from UM. We were on
Speaker 1: the same season, and I'm like, why am I still
Speaker 1: I'm not still bothered by it? But yesterday we were
Speaker 1: talking about men and whatever. She was supposed to go
Speaker 1: want a date, and she got ditched on her date.
Speaker 1: And then I was like, you know what, right, I know,
Speaker 1: Taylor is like such a great catch, but that's the thing.
Speaker 1: Most women, most of my friends are such great catches,
Speaker 1: and yet we're still single. And then She brought up
Speaker 1: a really good point though. She's like, well, what's sad
Speaker 1: is even nowadays, dating someone for three months is a
Speaker 1: significant amount of time. And I'm like, it's so sad
Speaker 1: but true. Oh yeah, I think about that all the time.
Speaker 1: I think about like, like if somebody's like, oh my
Speaker 1: marriage ended after ten years, it's like, oh, well ten years. Wow?
Speaker 1: And then you're like, oh, wait a minute, that's not
Speaker 1: supposed to last ten years's supposed to last a lifetime.
Speaker 1: Whatever happened with that guy that Taylor was seeing before
Speaker 1: you guys went to BALLI together. Uh, that's her story
Speaker 1: to tell. But I really liked guy. She's really good guy.
Speaker 1: Since she's not here, Vanessa, can you tell a story
Speaker 1: for her? Oh? I can't tell a story for her.
Speaker 1: But that's fair. Well, Vanessa, you talk about moving on
Speaker 1: to bigger and better things. What are some of those
Speaker 1: bigger and better things you think? Um? I think right
Speaker 1: now I'm just out of And I have to say,
Speaker 1: all the messages that people were sending me from last
Speaker 1: week's episode, they were so uplifting. I got so many
Speaker 1: stories of women saying they were single for so many
Speaker 1: years and they kind of just like give up and
Speaker 1: lost hope on finding the love of their life, and
Speaker 1: then a couple of months later they found the person.
Speaker 1: They're married and they're pregnant with their third child, And
Speaker 1: basically a lot of these messages were just telling me,
Speaker 1: enjoy the time that you have being single, because when
Speaker 1: it happens, that happened so quick, UM, and you don't
Speaker 1: even realize that you're walking down the aisle, you know.
Speaker 1: So it's so it was so interesting to get that
Speaker 1: perspective from women and men UM. I think right now,
Speaker 1: I'm just at a point where I'm back to UM
Speaker 1: and I've spoken about this before. Whenever I go through
Speaker 1: a little bit of a heartbreak, it takes me, you know,
Speaker 1: like give me like two weeks to really talk about
Speaker 1: it and would be really really upset. And then after
Speaker 1: that it's like kind of like the flu goes away
Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh, I woke up and I'm so
Speaker 1: much better from a point where yeah, it's out of
Speaker 1: my system, I d talks from it UM and I'm
Speaker 1: just focusing on work and focusing on on UM, spending
Speaker 1: time with my friends and my family, and just really
Speaker 1: being present and valuing the positive energy that I have
Speaker 1: around me, and I'm so lucky to have such amazing
Speaker 1: people around me, and sometimes when we're going through um
Speaker 1: tough times, we tend to forget how amazing our life
Speaker 1: really is. So I'm at that stage right now. That's
Speaker 1: my big better thing totally. I find myself doing it
Speaker 1: all the time where I think about the bad things
Speaker 1: happened in my life and I just completely ignore all
Speaker 1: the good things and you have to really kind of
Speaker 1: send yourself and realize I have a pretty good life,
Speaker 1: you know, you just put everything in perspective. Um. The
Speaker 1: reason I asked about bigger and better things because um,
Speaker 1: it's on the Facebook group, which, guys, if you're listening,
Speaker 1: you haven't joined the Facebook group, get on it. What
Speaker 1: are you doing the Facebook group and Instagram? Do you
Speaker 1: run the Instagram? I run the Instagram? All right, So
Speaker 1: so you're pretty much following two accounts by Dean, which
Speaker 1: sounds like a wonderful idea if you're asking me. But
Speaker 1: on the Facebook group, I was asking like if anybody
Speaker 1: had any questions they wanted us to answer, and one
Speaker 1: by Rachel said five year plans, Like she wants to
Speaker 1: know what is our five year plan? Doan? Do you
Speaker 1: have a five year plan. I don't even have a
Speaker 1: five day plan. I don't know what I'm gonna be doing.
Speaker 1: He has a five hour plant. That plan. You just
Speaker 1: got off a plan right, You're in Buffalo, Adjason, Like
Speaker 1: five am flight from Buffalo to l A this morning.
Speaker 1: What is it? That's a good question on a five
Speaker 1: year plan, because I feel like it could be pretty
Speaker 1: important to set something like that for yourself. But we
Speaker 1: just had Lauren on the podcast who said that, like
Speaker 1: you should follow a script. So Vanessa, she was kind
Speaker 1: of saying what you were just saying, as well, We're
Speaker 1: like you just kind of have to accept rejection and
Speaker 1: and and and accept like certain nose in your life,
Speaker 1: but able to like overcome them. And so sure ideas
Speaker 1: like sticking to the script, so to speak. So like
Speaker 1: you have script of what you're gonna do for the day,
Speaker 1: for the we, for your life, so on and so forth,
Speaker 1: and you need to keep following that script no matter
Speaker 1: how many knows you get, no manta, how the rejections
Speaker 1: you get. And that's kind of what you were just
Speaker 1: speaking upon. Yeah, I was actually watching one of her
Speaker 1: YouTube channels, um and they spoke about rejection. But when
Speaker 1: it came to being rejected from from work, but I
Speaker 1: apply that to the dating world, and it's so true
Speaker 1: when you get rejected, it's like, oh, stop to the heart,
Speaker 1: you know, because I was just talking to Taylor about
Speaker 1: how she got basically rejected and ditched on a date
Speaker 1: that she was supposed to go on this week, and
Speaker 1: it it just stung. Is stick your eagles bruised. But
Speaker 1: then at the same time, you like take the high road,
Speaker 1: don't like, don't get into that state of being super
Speaker 1: emotional and spending a text message or really going after
Speaker 1: them and giving them the attention when you should just
Speaker 1: take a step back, like thank them for their time
Speaker 1: and and um you know, like, I think it's important
Speaker 1: to always have, um, a good relationship with everyone that
Speaker 1: came into your life because they came into your life
Speaker 1: and they left the right time. I'm really starting to
Speaker 1: believe that. And we have this conversation last episode two.
Speaker 1: Everyone that comes into our life teaches us a lesson,
Speaker 1: and they're going to stay in our lives as long
Speaker 1: as they need to teach us that lesson. All right,
Speaker 1: question for both of you guys, then I wasn't going
Speaker 1: to share this. Well, I've been molling something over in
Speaker 1: my head. So I'm going to South America next week
Speaker 1: for three weeks. Uh, and it just so happens that
Speaker 1: Leslie lived in Argentina for two years, and so Vanessa,
Speaker 1: to your point, I wanted to reach out to Leslie
Speaker 1: and be like, hey, we haven't talked obviously since the breakup.
Speaker 1: I wanted to reach out and be like, hey, I
Speaker 1: know you obviously travel a lot, you know a lot
Speaker 1: about South America. Would you be willing to give me
Speaker 1: some recommendations, tell me what I should and shouldn't do, etcetera, etcetera.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't go directly to what it is that you
Speaker 1: need to maybe asked her. Yeah, I would be like, hey,
Speaker 1: you know, like it's sad that we haven't really been
Speaker 1: in contact of blah blah blah blah um. I'll make
Speaker 1: it about her in the first like two or three
Speaker 1: lines and then be like, you know, I was also
Speaker 1: I thought about you. You crossed my mind because I'm
Speaker 1: going to South America, and I figured it sounds like
Speaker 1: a kind of a little bit of a lead on
Speaker 1: though lead but not a lead on. But just you know,
Speaker 1: if you're writing to someone that you haven't spoken to
Speaker 1: a while and the first thing is like, hey, I
Speaker 1: eat it. Can you figure out like my tanuary for
Speaker 1: South America? It's like, so, just like a couple of recommendations,
Speaker 1: but I see what you're saying and definitely makes a
Speaker 1: lot of sense. I battle with this sometimes in my
Speaker 1: own life, where I I think, Okay, I not that
Speaker 1: I need something from somebody, but obviously I'm reaching out
Speaker 1: to someone for something specific. So do I try to
Speaker 1: beat around the bush at first and be like, hey,
Speaker 1: how are you? What's going on? Cool? By the way, this,
Speaker 1: is it better to do that or is it better
Speaker 1: to just be like, hey, hope all as well? I
Speaker 1: was curious about dot dot dot dot. See that's what
Speaker 1: I think is better than what the relationship was. It was, well,
Speaker 1: even if it's even if it's like a friend or
Speaker 1: an X, I think in any capacity I would rather
Speaker 1: just kind of know what's going on right out of
Speaker 1: the gates, because it is weird to be like what
Speaker 1: do you want? If you're just reaching out and being
Speaker 1: like hey, I was thinking about you, how are you?
Speaker 1: But I wouldn't be sending I wouldn't send like a
Speaker 1: message like hey thought about you sent? So I would say, hey,
Speaker 1: I see you know, like maybe go on her Instagram
Speaker 1: see which she's been up to. I see that you've
Speaker 1: been I'm actually also going to be traveling to South
Speaker 1: America and you crossed my mind because I know you
Speaker 1: lived there for a couple of years or whatever the cases.
Speaker 1: Would you have any recommendations? I wouldn't. I wouldn't start
Speaker 1: a conversation like hey, send and then I would if
Speaker 1: I would get that from the next I'd be like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, did you want to get back with me?
Speaker 1: Like are they going to apologize? So if Ne sexted
Speaker 1: you and said, hey, I'm going to be in Montreal,
Speaker 1: Nick would never text me hypothetically asking okay, um, if
Speaker 1: he would text me, I would I would. I obviously
Speaker 1: know he wouldn't want to get back with me, but
Speaker 1: I would be like, h hey, what's up friends? Right?
Speaker 1: But I'm saying, like, if you if you had something
Speaker 1: specific he's like, oh, I'm going to Italy and I
Speaker 1: want a recommendation from an Italian. M hmm. Actually yeah,
Speaker 1: I would be like, oh, yeah, and here are the recommendations. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I guess it's tough. I feel like it might be
Speaker 1: one of those situations where you're damned if you do
Speaker 1: and you're damned if you don't. Because if you reach
Speaker 1: out and you start off being very vague and friendly,
Speaker 1: then she might be like, just get to the point,
Speaker 1: like you could have just texted me and asked me
Speaker 1: for what you wanted. But then conversely, if you don't
Speaker 1: do that and you just reach out and ask for
Speaker 1: what you want, she might just be like, what a jerk.
Speaker 1: He didn't even like ask how I'm doing. He was
Speaker 1: just like, Hey, I'm going here. So I think you're
Speaker 1: screwed either way in day. So maybe it's best if
Speaker 1: you don't reach out. Let me. Well, you know what,
Speaker 1: I reached out to someone today, So I don't know
Speaker 1: if you guys in the studio is marking the studio
Speaker 1: today with us? We're stuck with East. Hey can I help? Hey? Okay,
Speaker 1: remember when I was talking about this guy that I
Speaker 1: dated and for my birthday, all he sent me was
Speaker 1: a happy born day text? You tell me about that too.
Speaker 1: I think it's so about that happened what happy born
Speaker 1: which just wasn't not very fun? Right? So I we're
Speaker 1: not we're not seeing each other anymore. And today I
Speaker 1: knew it was his birthday, and I'm like, you know what,
Speaker 1: I like being on good terms of people. I hate
Speaker 1: harboring negative feelings. The message might have been savage, but
Speaker 1: I thought it was funny. I sent him a message
Speaker 1: saying happy born day. He thought it was hilarious. He's like,
Speaker 1: thank you. I don't know that right back. I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't know if you really understand what the definition
Speaker 1: of savages for. Yeah, when she said savage, I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm very curious for this conversation about to go. And
Speaker 1: then she was like, I said happy day, savage dragged him?
Speaker 1: Oh god, yeah, no, no, no no, where you're gonna say? Vanessa?
Speaker 1: So I posted on Facebook on Instagram to what kind
Speaker 1: of questions our listeners wanted to know or topics that
Speaker 1: they wanted us to bring up. And there was one
Speaker 1: oh I saw on Instagram. It was what do you
Speaker 1: think about sleeping with someone on the first date? Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: let's get to that one first date. So what's your question? Okay,
Speaker 1: So the question is backs on the first date, if
Speaker 1: it's really clicking, yes or no? Is that a good
Speaker 1: idea to sleep with someone? I'm gonna say no, it's
Speaker 1: a it's a hard. No, oh, not even maybe. I
Speaker 1: mean I'm not saying it can't work out. What I'm
Speaker 1: saying is I just find it always better to wait
Speaker 1: in the anticipation grow, let it blossom, because it's funny.
Speaker 1: I think it also depends on if you're listen. You know,
Speaker 1: everyone can do their own thing. No judgment here, But
Speaker 1: if you want to deal with someone long term, then
Speaker 1: new I suggest waited out. But if it's someone that
Speaker 1: you're like, I want to have fun, I'm single. I
Speaker 1: don't think this is going to go anywhere, then why not? Well,
Speaker 1: I mean, if you're looking for just a hook up totally,
Speaker 1: why not, like hey, to reach their own No judgment here,
Speaker 1: but if you're asking me, like hey, to start off
Speaker 1: a really serious relationship, like I like this guy, should
Speaker 1: I just sleep on the first night? No, like, make
Speaker 1: them wait, make it especially to be fun, Let the
Speaker 1: romance grow, let it blossom. Like there's something to be
Speaker 1: said about anticipation, especially for a guy like craving something,
Speaker 1: wanting something and not being able to get it, Like
Speaker 1: there's like this, it's this, it's this passion, you know,
Speaker 1: because you guys are hunters, we are we are providers,
Speaker 1: and we are hunters? Okay, So question for you a hunter,
Speaker 1: was I was gonna say, we need to gender stereotypes
Speaker 1: of our generations. I mean, listen, no, Dean is Dean. Honestly,
Speaker 1: it is like the mushiest, sweetest person ever. I'm a nurture.
Speaker 1: I'm a gatherer. Yeah no, but you're you're also hunter,
Speaker 1: Derek for someone who now you you hunted, right and
Speaker 1: now you have Ashley's So do you feel like you
Speaker 1: still need to hunt being indeed not hunt other women?
Speaker 1: I'm saying, do you still feel like there needs to
Speaker 1: be a push and pull in the relationship? Yes? I do.
Speaker 1: It keeps it alive, it keeps it fresh. Um, you
Speaker 1: know I I find times that it does certainly not stale.
Speaker 1: But we're so comfortable with each other that you forget
Speaker 1: that there is this fun to that pull and push
Speaker 1: within a relationship. Let me paint the hypothetical scenario for
Speaker 1: you real quick, Jared, and it's gonna get uncomfortable. Let's
Speaker 1: see you, Let's see you and actually are out in
Speaker 1: a year or so from now, just out out and
Speaker 1: about having fun, doing your thing, having a little fun,
Speaker 1: having a little fun. At this point, I guess you're married, right,
Speaker 1: because it's year from now, you meet a man or
Speaker 1: a woman, who do you, guys both just click with it,
Speaker 1: immedia and then you guys are like, what are you
Speaker 1: asking me now? If I'm open to have a threesome. Yes,
Speaker 1: I was going to try and get there more eloquently,
Speaker 1: but yes, it's what I'm asking you. No, that's something
Speaker 1: you have, Like, No, I don't think so for the
Speaker 1: simple fact that, like it's gone to a point now
Speaker 1: with my relationship with Ashley where the idea of like
Speaker 1: having that intimacy with somebody else, even if Ashley was present,
Speaker 1: is something I'm not sure if I could go through
Speaker 1: because I don't. I don't think i'd want that because
Speaker 1: like I mean, let's this is a little uncomfortable, I guess,
Speaker 1: but like sex just change, right, Like sex changes from
Speaker 1: the beginning of relationship as you go further into it.
Speaker 1: It just it just does. And so I think, oh, man,
Speaker 1: the way I you know, it's just one of those
Speaker 1: things I I could never imagine myself physically being in
Speaker 1: that moment with somebody else than Nashley, right, even if present,
Speaker 1: and she was like, yes, I want this said in
Speaker 1: a year from now, I don't think if I've never
Speaker 1: had a threesome, Um, am I open to the idea? Yeah, um,
Speaker 1: but I don't know how I can do that because
Speaker 1: I only I am only intimate with people that I
Speaker 1: really really like and I really be connect to. And
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I don't want to share that. We're
Speaker 1: just gonna like we're gonna glaze over the facts just
Speaker 1: a minute that she is and wanting a threesome. I mean,
Speaker 1: I thought it doesn't but I guess no. I mean,
Speaker 1: that's fantastic. So I was with Jason and Blake this
Speaker 1: past weekend. We were talking about this, Like briefly, it
Speaker 1: was what would it take for you to be open
Speaker 1: to the idea? And I think the unanimous answer between
Speaker 1: the three of us was, in the event that you
Speaker 1: are in love with the person that you're with and
Speaker 1: you love them dearly, whatever it is, then I think
Speaker 1: it's kind of off the table as a possibility. It
Speaker 1: is because it's just it's one of those things that
Speaker 1: like for me, and I don't want to speak for Ashly,
Speaker 1: but like, man, it's such a personal experience that, like you,
Speaker 1: when you were with somebody that you care so much about,
Speaker 1: it's like I don't. I don't. I don't want to
Speaker 1: do this with somebody else, Like it's just it's weird. Now,
Speaker 1: I don't know. Okay, let's ten years or twenty years
Speaker 1: down the line, Well, who the hell knows? Like, if
Speaker 1: I'm being honest, I can't really project ten years from
Speaker 1: now being like my mindset or where Ashley and I
Speaker 1: are within our relationship. Um, and so who knows. I mean,
Speaker 1: there's there's other ways to spice up your sex life
Speaker 1: without bringing somebody else into it though, So like I'll
Speaker 1: be honest, Uh, this is whatever Ashley and I have
Speaker 1: been to an adult store together. Okay, that's but like
Speaker 1: I feel like people are uncomfortable talking about that. Like
Speaker 1: it was it was just like we went it together
Speaker 1: and it was no, I know, it's not that intense,
Speaker 1: but it's also it's kind of like a little taboo.
Speaker 1: I remember the first time I went into an adult story,
Speaker 1: it was was amazing. What was the intention of you
Speaker 1: and her going to the store together? Just like we
Speaker 1: were looking for something specific and uh, how specific? Specifically
Speaker 1: something specifically? But but no, and so you find what
Speaker 1: you were looking for we did, and uh, I don't know,
Speaker 1: I feel comfortable to talking about this anymore. One of
Speaker 1: those things that like you just have to be comfortable
Speaker 1: going into, you know, exploring new territories of course. Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: so back to the sex store thing. You found what
Speaker 1: you were looking for? Did you unpackaged it that night?
Speaker 1: Come on, And that's a little bit too far, I
Speaker 1: will say. So. The first time I ever went into
Speaker 1: an adult star wars like twenty two and I went
Speaker 1: in by myself at like two o'clock in the afternoon
Speaker 1: on a Friday, because I've never been in I've never
Speaker 1: been in a sex store, so I was like, I
Speaker 1: need to experience this. I want to go in. I
Speaker 1: was probably two and um, and so I went in
Speaker 1: there and it was just me in this one other
Speaker 1: guy he was probably in his eighties, and he was
Speaker 1: in the DVD porn section and it was right. I
Speaker 1: was just the most endearing thing because you know, technology too.
Speaker 1: Thus this was like two twelve. This guy was still
Speaker 1: still going with the DVDs. Loved it, but it was
Speaker 1: like this weird experience, but very cool. The the woman
Speaker 1: there was very friendly and she was like, Hi, if
Speaker 1: there's anything I can help you with, please let me know.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh love, just just looking around at
Speaker 1: all the fish nets and uh oh this this is
Speaker 1: very nice too. You want to know what wasn't around
Speaker 1: back in two thousand two, what would have maybe been
Speaker 1: would have been helpful for you after that traumatic experience. Well,
Speaker 1: I don't know traumatic. I'm just saying if you needed it,
Speaker 1: it would have been around talk Space. You guys have
Speaker 1: read us talk about talk Space before. They're one of
Speaker 1: those sponsors of today's show, the online therapy company that
Speaker 1: lets you message a license therapist from anywhere at anytime.
Speaker 1: All you need is a computer with Internet connection or
Speaker 1: the talk Space mobile app. That means you can improve
Speaker 1: your mental health, even if you've had trouble making time
Speaker 1: for it in the past. Say you're at a sex
Speaker 1: shop and you just want to squeeze in a quick
Speaker 1: therapy session. Squeeze maybe the wrong adjective to use. Their
Speaker 1: Remember that therapy isn't just about venting your innermost thoughts
Speaker 1: or digging into childhood memories. It's also about practical, everyday
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Speaker 1: forty five dollars off your very first month and show
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Speaker 1: It wouldn't be around with other sponsors and talk space
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Speaker 1: use the code d e a N to get forty
Speaker 1: five dollars off your very first month. Be sure to
Speaker 1: check it out. UM. Maybe you can, you know, work
Speaker 1: through some of the issues that you've had seeing some
Speaker 1: of those sites in the sex store that you might
Speaker 1: have might have had to deal with you know, yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, it's very it was. It was eye opening
Speaker 1: experience a few years ago. Now it's fun obviously. What
Speaker 1: else do we want to talk about? Well, I kind
Speaker 1: of it's interesting to get through some of these questions
Speaker 1: that people had, either through Vanessa's Instagram or the Facebook
Speaker 1: group on Sure once you ask one and then I'll
Speaker 1: ask one. Um, okay, well this is an interesting one.
Speaker 1: Hold on here, just wiping through it. When is it
Speaker 1: okay to start discussing marriage in a relationship? So my
Speaker 1: answer was true but never true. Who said that, Dean?
Speaker 1: Did you do you want to marry? Read? Well? No,
Speaker 1: how did we jump to that? I'm really surprised that
Speaker 1: Dean said is never too early? Well, I'm just saying
Speaker 1: that it's just good to communicate those important of mars.
Speaker 1: Yes it did. Okay. My My answer is if you're
Speaker 1: in a place where you know you want to be
Speaker 1: in a serious relationship, then yeah, it's never too early.
Speaker 1: But if you're single and you want to have fun
Speaker 1: and you want to just connect people and which you
Speaker 1: want to connect with people and just meet people, then
Speaker 1: not don't bring marriage up, because that's just going to
Speaker 1: ruin it. Yeah, well, I think probably the person asking
Speaker 1: is in some sort of committed relationship, so they're probably asking. Like,
Speaker 1: so hypothetically, say two people are dating, they're in a
Speaker 1: committed relationship, they are exclusive boyfriend girlfriend. How long do
Speaker 1: you think into the relationship should they maybe start discussing, Hey,
Speaker 1: is marriage on the table for you? I like, I said,
Speaker 1: I don't think it's ever too early because for the
Speaker 1: simple fact that say, they are misaligned on their thoughts
Speaker 1: of marriage, future plans, whatever it is. And then they
Speaker 1: go through a year two of dating without discussing it.
Speaker 1: Come to find out one wants to get married, one
Speaker 1: doesn't want to get married ever, like not just for
Speaker 1: the person, but just they don't believe in marriage whatever
Speaker 1: it is. Then boom, there goes two years of your
Speaker 1: life dating someone that wasn't can fulfilled what you wanted
Speaker 1: to have. I had a traumatic experience. The love of
Speaker 1: my life after two years, admitted that he wasn't sure
Speaker 1: if he wanted kids. And this is after us looking
Speaker 1: for house with like five bedrooms and talking about baby
Speaker 1: names and all that, and then one morning he wakes
Speaker 1: up he's like, I don't know if I want kids
Speaker 1: and that was my window of who talked about by name. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it was really messed up. So he's like, well, I
Speaker 1: love I love a baby name. I love the name Dean,
Speaker 1: but I don't ever want kids. But I've never had kids.
Speaker 1: I think he I think what happened was he was
Speaker 1: in a relationship that he was really happy with and uh,
Speaker 1: he wanted to be able to give me that, but
Speaker 1: he wasn't sure if he wanted that, so he was
Speaker 1: being selfless for me. But at the same time, I
Speaker 1: think he just needed to explore other things in life
Speaker 1: before he got there. So that was very traumatic for me.
Speaker 1: And after that relationship, that was one of my first questions.
Speaker 1: I'm like, dude, do you want kids? Not that I
Speaker 1: want to have kids with you, but maybe one day
Speaker 1: I might want to have kids with you, So I
Speaker 1: kind of need to know if you do or don't.
Speaker 1: I think that might be a shortcoming for me when
Speaker 1: it comes to relationships is I don't know exactly what
Speaker 1: I want. I I I see myself getting married at
Speaker 1: some point in life, but I'm also not a h
Speaker 1: certain about it. So like, if I were to meet
Speaker 1: someone that was like, I don't want to ever get married,
Speaker 1: I don't ever want to have kids. I would almost
Speaker 1: be like, Okay, well let's see if this works out anyways.
Speaker 1: But I know I definitely want kids at some point.
Speaker 1: But again I'm like, I'm not steadfast and being wanting
Speaker 1: to have kids and all like all that kind of stuff,
Speaker 1: but I do. But like I said, I think that
Speaker 1: I want kids. But if someone came along and like
Speaker 1: two years into a relationship, they're like, I don't want kids,
Speaker 1: I would almost like it wouldn't be a deal breaker
Speaker 1: for me because I'm kind of a pushover like that. Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: I agree. I think I don't agree or a pushover.
Speaker 1: I agree on your point. I think that it's okay
Speaker 1: for people to change your mind. Like something that you
Speaker 1: wanted five years ago isn't necessarily something that you want now.
Speaker 1: So like, sure, right now, you might say I'm thinking
Speaker 1: about marriage and I want kids, But then five years
Speaker 1: from now you're with somebody and you're like, you know what,
Speaker 1: we don't need to get married. We love each other.
Speaker 1: We can just spend the rest of your lives without
Speaker 1: signing paperwork. And then furthermore, I kind of changed my mind.
Speaker 1: I I don't think I want to bring kids into
Speaker 1: this world. I don't think i'd be a good dad,
Speaker 1: so on and so forth, even though that's completely wrong,
Speaker 1: because and you make a fantastic father. You're very You're
Speaker 1: a very, very warm human being. Have you actually discussed
Speaker 1: baby names or anything like that. Yeah, totally. We both
Speaker 1: want kids, And I was kind of what I was
Speaker 1: getting too, because for me, I always imagine myself getting
Speaker 1: married and have the kids. But honestly, over the past
Speaker 1: couple of years, my mom was going back and forth
Speaker 1: whether I ever wanted to get married, whether I wanted
Speaker 1: kids to start a family, And it wasn't until Ashley
Speaker 1: and I started dating, and then I knew that this
Speaker 1: was something I wanted to somebody I want to spend
Speaker 1: the rest of my life with that I realized, this
Speaker 1: is this is the woman I want to have kids with.
Speaker 1: Because for me, I wanted kids, but it was more
Speaker 1: important for me to have kids with the right person
Speaker 1: because I've seen friends and family members go through that
Speaker 1: difficult times where they've had kids unexpectedly with somebody that
Speaker 1: they're no longer with, and it really just causes so
Speaker 1: much stress on everybody involved that for me, I was like,
Speaker 1: I want to make sure that I find the right
Speaker 1: person before start trying to have kids. I don't even
Speaker 1: think it's just unexpectedly having kids with someone. I think
Speaker 1: it's the ment reality, the old school mentality of at
Speaker 1: a certain age you should find someone and you should
Speaker 1: get married, and either the expectations as society puts on us,
Speaker 1: especially on women, and I think often times the relationships
Speaker 1: end up dying out because that's what we thought we needed,
Speaker 1: and that's what we thought we needed to do at
Speaker 1: that time in our life, but we just needed to
Speaker 1: explore other options and figure out our own, you know, careers,
Speaker 1: and figure out we're changing. So often we need to
Speaker 1: be able to be comfortable with ourselves before we're comfortable
Speaker 1: being with someone and bringing another person into this world.
Speaker 1: My parents got divorced when I was eighteen, and I
Speaker 1: come from a very traditional Italian family. We were the
Speaker 1: I think one of the first Italian families to be
Speaker 1: divorced in our community. So it was really hard for
Speaker 1: me to um to process that because I didn't have
Speaker 1: anyone that really understood what I was going through, and
Speaker 1: I come from a traditional background where I'm like, how
Speaker 1: am I supposed to be dealing with this? Right? Now
Speaker 1: when all I ever knew and understood and believed in
Speaker 1: with the family unit and coming home to a mom
Speaker 1: and dad in one household. So for me, it was
Speaker 1: really hard, and I think that's why, Um, I'm like
Speaker 1: very I'm happy that I'm still single at this point
Speaker 1: at thirty one, and the heartbreaks that I'm going through
Speaker 1: are very minimal compared to what my parents had to
Speaker 1: go through. And so I want to make sure that
Speaker 1: that I do end up with the right person, um
Speaker 1: and who has the same values as I do, Like
Speaker 1: I want to be with someone. He's like, yeah, I
Speaker 1: want kids, I want that family. I yeah, I want
Speaker 1: that unity to take a step backwards. While I was
Speaker 1: going to talk about for can just to throw it
Speaker 1: in there for women too. It's not just society about
Speaker 1: having kids, it's also the biological clock, like and that's
Speaker 1: the real thing that that women are scared of. Say,
Speaker 1: we've we've all agreed to do that, it's not her
Speaker 1: decision anymore. And then when you and Vanessa get married,
Speaker 1: Dean and you guys you can have plenty. You didn't
Speaker 1: even bring up marriage. He's just like, let's have babies.
Speaker 1: To take a step back. J Dean before we jump
Speaker 1: into Thrive Market, which is phenomenal. Would you be willing
Speaker 1: to talk about your Ashley's conversations as it pertains to kids,
Speaker 1: like how many you want baby names? Like all that
Speaker 1: kind of stuff. Have you discussed that and would you
Speaker 1: be willing to like she feels she doesn't want to
Speaker 1: say the baby name because she's terrified if somebody's stealing it,
Speaker 1: which is absurd because I'm sure there's plenty of names
Speaker 1: that this name seven. I'm not saying that. I'm not
Speaker 1: I don't want to get yelled at. Okay, how many
Speaker 1: kids you plan on having? We want four teens, so
Speaker 1: I love it, Come on, big family, um. But to
Speaker 1: move forward, we want to move forward with a wonderful
Speaker 1: product that we are all very familiar with, Thrive Market.
Speaker 1: Dean tell us a little bit about Thrive Market. I've
Speaker 1: been talking about it all day off air, but Thrive
Speaker 1: Market basically is a revolutionary online marketplace on a mission
Speaker 1: to make healthy living easy and affordable for everyone. I
Speaker 1: love that all of our sponsors are good companies like
Speaker 1: Thrive Market, Beach Body on Demand to obviously get your
Speaker 1: button totally. Thrive as a non GMO has non GMO foods.
Speaker 1: Natural products are always at five below traditional retail prices.
Speaker 1: We actually have Thrived in studio right now. Well it's
Speaker 1: just me aiming, But so here's what I did. Because
Speaker 1: I don't trust you guys to do things for yourselves
Speaker 1: because you're lazy, I went on Thrive and shopped for you.
Speaker 1: I was blown away, Like I have to tell you, guys,
Speaker 1: I knew what it was. You gotta go check it
Speaker 1: out because it's basically like everything you would get at
Speaker 1: Whole Foods. It's fantastic for so much less. I could
Speaker 1: not believe how affordable it was. So I got you
Speaker 1: guys presents kind of asked you, guys what your favorites are,
Speaker 1: So Jared, I got you the Justin's Milk chocolate peanut butter.
Speaker 1: I got because I know you always are hungry and
Speaker 1: needs snacks, so I got you Classic Round crackers, all
Speaker 1: super healthy, non gmo, and then Annie's homegrown snack mix.
Speaker 1: So it's like your favorite. It has your like cheddar thing,
Speaker 1: your pret cheddar guy. Yeah us. Then you guys, this
Speaker 1: is what's amazing. I started shopping for my nieces so
Speaker 1: they have toys, so you can get all the toys.
Speaker 1: So I got my niece a little watering can like
Speaker 1: an um sesame street watering can, and like a backpack
Speaker 1: slash lunch bag. I'm telling you, guys, I got everybody
Speaker 1: everything box. It's I know, it's cute. I'm a little
Speaker 1: disappointed because I thought the backpack was for me. Okay,
Speaker 1: you can use it back It's like a monkey and
Speaker 1: they had a ladybug too. But you could do all
Speaker 1: your shopping there, like it's literally for the holidays. You
Speaker 1: could do everything and it is not expensive. That is
Speaker 1: what blew my mind. And then I thought this will
Speaker 1: never make it in time. It got here so fast,
Speaker 1: like I did not know enough about this. So I'm
Speaker 1: really telling you go to Thrive market dot com. I'm
Speaker 1: telling you guys, just shop around on there, because this
Speaker 1: exceeded my expectations. And so, not only is Thrive really
Speaker 1: cheap to begin with, it ships directly to your door,
Speaker 1: so it takes the hassle of trying to go to
Speaker 1: the supermarket park carrying on the bags. Literally it gets
Speaker 1: shipped so quickly right to your door. You can go
Speaker 1: to Thrive market dot com. Not only is Thrived already
Speaker 1: below traditional retail price, but you can go to thrive
Speaker 1: market dot com slash dean and guess what You're getting
Speaker 1: an additional believable first order and a thirty day free trial,
Speaker 1: and you can order wine and you can order one
Speaker 1: your alcohol in there as well. Perfect. My favorite thing
Speaker 1: about thrive is their eco friendly cleaning, Like they have
Speaker 1: eco friendly, non toxic products, non GMO food, it's all stuff.
Speaker 1: That's mean. I got your Lufa sponge. I forgot what
Speaker 1: do I use the LUPA sponge with? Because you mean,
Speaker 1: because you don't want to use the soap. I mean,
Speaker 1: I know, but you could still you can say, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna use the loop. I'm gonna report back next
Speaker 1: week and tell you guys how exfoliated my skin is
Speaker 1: because of the Lufa. You're never gonna go back one
Speaker 1: more time. For the listeners out there, you don't want
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Speaker 1: team literally, you can get me a whole Christmas president.
Speaker 1: There we go, love it. We already found working Amy
Speaker 1: for Christmas. Thrive. Gotta go with Thrive. Uh to go
Speaker 1: back to one other question moving forward from the Facebook group,
Speaker 1: So this is from Christie uh Dean, you might want
Speaker 1: to weigh on this. Christie says, if a guy texts
Speaker 1: you that he wants a girlfriend and you guys are
Speaker 1: already casually dating but seeing other people, is that just
Speaker 1: a twelve year old way of saying I want you
Speaker 1: to be my girlfriend. So this guy, these two banda,
Speaker 1: this guy and girls kind of casually seeing each other
Speaker 1: and then he texted her saying, hey, you know I
Speaker 1: kind of want a girlfriend. Is he just beating around
Speaker 1: the bush. Well, at first, I don't like that to
Speaker 1: begin with because it's a little ambiguous, right, Like, it's
Speaker 1: not very clear. It's it's very unclear, And I I
Speaker 1: completely agree Christie where you're saying. It does sound like
Speaker 1: that he is just beating around the bush and trying
Speaker 1: to ask you to be his girlfriend. Two schools are
Speaker 1: he could be doing that, or he could also be
Speaker 1: saying I want a girlfriend, which means you and I
Speaker 1: are not to be talking anyone. There's two schools of
Speaker 1: thought there. Neither of them are the most encouraging because
Speaker 1: he's not clearly communicating what's going on. I personally, if I,
Speaker 1: let's see, I'm trying to put myself in his shoes,
Speaker 1: texting a girl I want a girlfriend, and they've been
Speaker 1: casually seeing each other but seeing other people, I would
Speaker 1: say that that means that he probably wants her to
Speaker 1: be his girlfriend. If I were to guess if I
Speaker 1: was seeing a girl and I texted her that it
Speaker 1: would be because I want her to be my girlfriend. Oh, Dan,
Speaker 1: you wouldn't message someone that, you would be more direct. Well,
Speaker 1: I would not personally. But I'm saying, like I'm trying
Speaker 1: to put myself in his shoes and trying to help
Speaker 1: her out. It sounds like he wants to be her boyfriend.
Speaker 1: Just I'm trying to get like to the root reason.
Speaker 1: That's me. That's me thinking like, nah, if he wants no,
Speaker 1: because what if that's what he's doing, If he does
Speaker 1: want to be her her boyfriend, and that's his way
Speaker 1: of starting a conversation about that, he's just planting all
Speaker 1: these crazy seas in her heads right now. Like if
Speaker 1: that were me, I'd be like, oh, is he telling
Speaker 1: me this because he thinks I'm a friend and he
Speaker 1: wants me to help them? Like is he going to
Speaker 1: talk to me about these other dates that he's been on?
Speaker 1: Does he want me to find him a girlfriend? Like
Speaker 1: why is he telling me he's talking to her like
Speaker 1: he's a friend? Like she's a friend. I want a girlfriend.
Speaker 1: You're not going to tell someone that you're dating I
Speaker 1: want a girlfriend. It's either I want to be with
Speaker 1: you or how does that get crossed? Because she's right.
Speaker 1: I think I was twelve years old when I walked
Speaker 1: up to a girl that I was like talking to
Speaker 1: and I was like, I want you to be my girlfriend,
Speaker 1: and people looked at me like that was a weird
Speaker 1: thing to do. Well at twelve, you're just made fun
Speaker 1: of her liking anybody. Well, it wasn't. It wasn't. It
Speaker 1: was more so of like how I approached the situation
Speaker 1: of you don't just ask someone to be your girlfriend.
Speaker 1: You kind of just like let it culminate into being
Speaker 1: boyfriend and girlfriend who you have to ask at some point?
Speaker 1: How do you how do you approach the subject? Now?
Speaker 1: I mean obviously Jared is engaged, so maybe it's more
Speaker 1: towards vaness and I like, say you like someone yeah,
Speaker 1: and you're like, Okay, let's be boyfriend girlfriend, you just
Speaker 1: walk ups and be like, let's be my girlfriend please. Now,
Speaker 1: I think you have the talk of being exclusive because
Speaker 1: for the first couple of weeks or month or whatever
Speaker 1: however you guys decide to be dating, be open and
Speaker 1: communicate what you're doing. If you're just exclusively dating each other,
Speaker 1: if you if you're being open to forming other connections
Speaker 1: with other people a k. Being on the Bachelor, and
Speaker 1: then once you realize I don't want to be dating
Speaker 1: anyone else, then you have the topic of being exclusive.
Speaker 1: What do you think? Don't you think you might be
Speaker 1: the most adorable thing you've ever heard? If a guy
Speaker 1: walked up you after going on a few dates and
Speaker 1: it said, would you want to be my girlfriend? Yeah,
Speaker 1: you would know it sounds prety cute. I think like,
Speaker 1: I think, yeah, ask, I think it's the most adorable thing.
Speaker 1: If a guy's like, I I want you to be
Speaker 1: my girlfriend? What about asking to go steady? Because that's
Speaker 1: what I used to do. Said that on this podcast before.
Speaker 1: But I think that's like a high school thing, right,
Speaker 1: did you ask in high school. No, no, I was
Speaker 1: like twenty no, this is this is my wife. I
Speaker 1: asked if she wanted to go say, hey, it worked,
Speaker 1: I'm married. Pretty that's the definition of steadiness. I think,
Speaker 1: like steady for me was like like, hey, they're going steady,
Speaker 1: what do you want to go study? That just reminds
Speaker 1: me of like it sounds like you're asking someone to
Speaker 1: hit the books with you because you gotta go to
Speaker 1: the library and study for an exam or something. Hey
Speaker 1: you want to go study. God, maybe that's what she
Speaker 1: thought you were asking. Hey, you want to go hit
Speaker 1: the books and and learn about chemistry. It really wants
Speaker 1: to go study. Yeah, he really wants to go study.
Speaker 1: I think now like yeah, because it used to be
Speaker 1: like kind of not taboo, but it was like, you
Speaker 1: don't say girlfriend. Man, it's like you ask who steady steady?
Speaker 1: You guys are hanging out? Uh, you guys don't even
Speaker 1: talk about it. You just stop seeing other people. I
Speaker 1: kind of like it, though, I kind of like white
Speaker 1: guys like, hey, my girlfriend, I've shared it before on
Speaker 1: this podcast about I mean, it's always kind of weird
Speaker 1: to bring up past relationships, right, but with less than
Speaker 1: I with Lesslie. Here we go, let's get weird with
Speaker 1: Leslie and I in Winter Games. I kind of I
Speaker 1: didn't want to have that like ambiguity of like what
Speaker 1: are we? Are we dating? Do you want to date
Speaker 1: other people? So I was just I just like started
Speaker 1: referring to has my girlfriend, like like it was like
Speaker 1: a weekend happen in the relationships. You would like walk
Speaker 1: away and people would be like I'd be like, where'd
Speaker 1: my girlfriend go? And then eventually it was just like, okay,
Speaker 1: well we're boyfriend girlfriend. I was that serious. I mean,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm again, I'm a immature boy at times,
Speaker 1: Like I don't really know how to handle that situation.
Speaker 1: So my way of handling it was just like referring her,
Speaker 1: referring to her to other people as my girlfriend. And
Speaker 1: then by like the fourth or fifth time I said it,
Speaker 1: she was like, why do you keep calling me your girlfriend?
Speaker 1: I was like, well, because you are my girlfriend, and
Speaker 1: she's like, okay, that's fine, you boyfriend. No, it was
Speaker 1: you're like no, no, no, no, a whole different conversation. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: well's so let's slow the role. Okay, no, And I
Speaker 1: mean that's that's how I handled it again. I'm not
Speaker 1: sure if I would encourage other people to handle it
Speaker 1: the same way, but it's one way to go about it. Um.
Speaker 1: I have obviously not had a girlfriend since then, so
Speaker 1: I'm overwhelmed in those relationships. Well, you know, you just
Speaker 1: take your time. You're focused on Dean right now, right
Speaker 1: focusing on Dean. Actually, there's so I was reading an article,
Speaker 1: so this story about Nikki Bella. She's John um no, apparently,
Speaker 1: But I was just kinda I was looking up dating articles,
Speaker 1: you know, trying to get prepared for the podcast a
Speaker 1: little bit, and then I was reading one where Nikki
Speaker 1: Bella like finally spoke out about the relationship after John Cena,
Speaker 1: and she said, like, from what she could tell, Bella
Speaker 1: is like pretty much focusing on her own happiness right now,
Speaker 1: which doesn't necessarily that she needs to be with someone romantically.
Speaker 1: She says, she's not even thinking about dating right now.
Speaker 1: She's been so busy working and spending time with her
Speaker 1: friends and family. It's not a priority. Um, Vanessa, what
Speaker 1: are your thoughts about that, because, like, do you think
Speaker 1: that's kind of a cop out? Like do you think
Speaker 1: what people say? You know, I'm I'm just not I
Speaker 1: can't even date right now because I'm so busy. I
Speaker 1: think that's an actual thing. Yep. I when somebody says
Speaker 1: that they're just focused on their own happiness right now
Speaker 1: that they don't even want to like think about jumping
Speaker 1: into a relationship with somebody, no, I think that's so healthy.
Speaker 1: I think people oftentimes have that void that they need
Speaker 1: to fill, and they're like, oh, I need the attention
Speaker 1: or oh I need to be hanging out with someone.
Speaker 1: There's nothing more powerful and more nurturing than just being
Speaker 1: by yourself and enjoying your own presence. I love, and
Speaker 1: I talked about this. I love being single, and when
Speaker 1: I'm single, I actually just work on myself. I focus
Speaker 1: on my career, I focus on my health, I focus
Speaker 1: on things that make me happy and make me whole,
Speaker 1: and and so I don't need to be going out
Speaker 1: to find someone to fill that void. And then when
Speaker 1: I do meet someone, it's because there are a great
Speaker 1: addition to what I already have and what already buils
Speaker 1: on Sean, what are you talk about that, like the
Speaker 1: balance between finding your like making yourself happy on your
Speaker 1: own versus like trying to put effort into finding someone
Speaker 1: else and be in a relationship. I think I was
Speaker 1: actually having a conversation just the other day about this. Um.
Speaker 1: I think it's it's hard to compartmentalize the things, especially
Speaker 1: like nowadays that we're not working traditional nine to five jobs,
Speaker 1: we don't have like the forty hour work week to
Speaker 1: distract us from dating. And it's like, well, when you
Speaker 1: have a podcast about dating, and when you've been on
Speaker 1: TV shows about dating, then it's like life is surrounded
Speaker 1: by it, right, and so it's like, well, you you
Speaker 1: take a step back, and yes, of course, focus on
Speaker 1: yourself and prove yourself all that kind of stuff. And um,
Speaker 1: as I mentioned before, I'm doing that same thing right
Speaker 1: now as well. But it's hard when everything else kind
Speaker 1: of brings it back to dating. It's like when you're
Speaker 1: trying to get dating out of your mind, but then
Speaker 1: you have to bring it up and talk about it
Speaker 1: so often. Um So that's kind of I mean, that's
Speaker 1: kind of where I'm at with it. It's like, yes,
Speaker 1: I'm trying to put it right now. Well, no, and
Speaker 1: like I said before, like I'm back dating again, like
Speaker 1: I've been going on dates. Well, I think what the
Speaker 1: quote that got me was that said, Nikki is not
Speaker 1: even thinking about dating right now. She's been so busy
Speaker 1: working and spending time with her friends and family, And
Speaker 1: it just made me think, like, not to say that,
Speaker 1: you know, this quote care be dramatized, but it made
Speaker 1: me kind of reflect and be like, not even thinking
Speaker 1: about dating? And I was trying to think of the
Speaker 1: time when I was single. Man, was I not even
Speaker 1: thinking about dating someone? Is that a Is that a
Speaker 1: thing where people are just like for a while she
Speaker 1: was engaged to someone, she was dating him, then she
Speaker 1: was with someone for years. I think that's so healthy
Speaker 1: if you're with someone for so long and then you
Speaker 1: kind of move a little bit of yourself when you're
Speaker 1: in a relationship and you let go of certain things
Speaker 1: that you compromise. So I think right now she's probably
Speaker 1: back to finding herself again, and I think that's extremely
Speaker 1: healthy in order for her to get back to a
Speaker 1: place where she can invite someone else into her life. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I agree with that because I think, like you said,
Speaker 1: when you're in a relationship, I wouldn't necessarily say you
Speaker 1: lose a part of yourself, but a part of yourself
Speaker 1: becomes the other person. There's just a lot of dependency
Speaker 1: within a relationship, which is a good thing. You know,
Speaker 1: you're in a relationship, hopefully a great one, very loving one.
Speaker 1: Like there's a part of you that becomes very dependent
Speaker 1: on the person, and when the relationship ends, it does
Speaker 1: feel like there's a part of your soul that just
Speaker 1: went missing. Um, and so I I I completely agree
Speaker 1: in us or where I think that there should be
Speaker 1: a grieving period of like you just trying to figure
Speaker 1: out yourself and make yourself whole again. Um, what's that really,
Speaker 1: thumb one month for every year you were together something
Speaker 1: like oh okay, damn, No, I think no, because it's true.
Speaker 1: It's then what so if you dated my parents were
Speaker 1: engaged sorry married for eighteen years year and a half off. No,
Speaker 1: I don't think there's a timetable like I know that
Speaker 1: I know some people that have gone out of like
Speaker 1: very intense relationship even marriages, and in six months. Yeah. Well,
Speaker 1: you know, we're we're pretty smart fellows over the pretty
Speaker 1: simple equation to be fart smellers, you know. Um. But
Speaker 1: before we go, before we we end the podcast, we
Speaker 1: want to talk about one more thing on here, which
Speaker 1: is something we've been talking about for a couple of
Speaker 1: weeks here twenty three and me. Now, this is named
Speaker 1: after the twenty three pairs of chromosomes in your d
Speaker 1: N A their service, you guys know twenty three and
Speaker 1: the service provides you with over seventy five genetic reports
Speaker 1: about your health. Um. They can tell you if you're
Speaker 1: likely to be lactoast intolerant, uh, sleep movement, there's certain traits.
Speaker 1: They can figure out your eye color, your hair curl,
Speaker 1: all that good stuff. All you have to do is well,
Speaker 1: all you have to do is spit into a tube. Guys.
Speaker 1: That's really so. They'll send you the tube that's provided
Speaker 1: in the mail. You send that spit back to the lab.
Speaker 1: Everyone has a DNA story you can find out yours.
Speaker 1: They have a new podcast called you Guessed It Spit Uh.
Speaker 1: It's on I Heart Radio with twenty three and me.
Speaker 1: The podcast discusses how science and DNA plays a role
Speaker 1: in society, in our lives, how your DNA story can
Speaker 1: be experienced today, and a whole lot more. Yeah Yeah.
Speaker 1: The new podcast bit where the host sits down with
Speaker 1: the biggest artists and influencers of our time, including Emmy
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Speaker 1: Mike Posner, who has always been one of my favorites personally. UH.
Speaker 1: Subscribe to the Spit podcast to learn more about the
Speaker 1: DNA found in our spit to understand who we really
Speaker 1: are genetically and how we are connected to the world
Speaker 1: around us. I remember reading a while ago an article
Speaker 1: about so the way that the chromosomes work is there's
Speaker 1: twenty three sets in women where they're all X is right,
Speaker 1: so it's twenty three pairs of X chromosomes, but in
Speaker 1: the men, that twenty three chromosome is an X Y
Speaker 1: pairing instead of an X X pairing. And I read
Speaker 1: that in like a thousand generations or something like that,
Speaker 1: that the male gender just might be completely eradicated because
Speaker 1: the Y chromosome can't is deterioring overtime and can't draw
Speaker 1: from other X chromosomes because it's just so separate. So
Speaker 1: like in a thousand generations, the mail just might not
Speaker 1: even exist, which is just kind of weird to think about.
Speaker 1: How would we reproduce, Well, it's just like a theory obviously,
Speaker 1: So who knows, but um. Anyways, listen to the full
Speaker 1: episodes now on the I Heart Radio app or wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to podcasts. You're probably listening to this one
Speaker 1: on I Heart radio or I'm sure you can find
Speaker 1: this spit podcast. Wherever you're listening to this one, check
Speaker 1: it out. It's called Spit with twenty three and me.
Speaker 1: They're fantastic. You're fantastic for listening in supporting our podcast.
Speaker 1: Yes you are. A big thank you to Thrive Market.
Speaker 1: You guys can go to Thrive market dot com slash
Speaker 1: Dean to get an extra off your first order and
Speaker 1: a free thirty day trial. Again, big thank you to
Speaker 1: beach Body on Demand. You can get a special free
Speaker 1: trial membership including their new fourteen day results plan where
Speaker 1: you can lose up to nine pounds in the first
Speaker 1: two weeks when you text Dean D A N two
Speaker 1: thirty thirty thirty. And another big thank you to talk Space,
Speaker 1: you can match with the perfect therapist for a fraction
Speaker 1: of the price of traditional therapy. You go to talk
Speaker 1: space dot com slash Dean and use a code Dean
Speaker 1: D E A N to get forty five dollars off
Speaker 1: your first month. A big Thank you to Lauren Burger.
Speaker 1: Definitely check out her new book, Get It Together. It's
Speaker 1: on shelves now. Dean, you're awesome, Vanessa, you're incredible. Guys,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening to an all new
Speaker 1: episode of Help I Suck At Dating, where next week
Speaker 1: hopefully we suck a little less. Follow help by Suck
Speaker 1: At Dating with Dean, Vanessa, and Jared on I Heart
Speaker 1: Radio or wherever you listen to podcast