WEBVTT - content warning 0:00:15.920 --> 0:00:18.079 Welcome to this episode of Merchant Intercom. 0:00:18.120 --> 0:00:20.520 I am the main host and your mansor, and this 0:00:20.560 --> 0:00:21.520 is my co host. 0:00:21.640 --> 0:00:24.400 I'm the hot Hello. Hello, Hello. 0:00:25.320 --> 0:00:27.159 I like that You ate that I was expecting like 0:00:27.200 --> 0:00:28.360 a little fight to break up. 0:00:28.480 --> 0:00:31.040 Well, I'm not about drama. Like, it's none of this 0:00:31.240 --> 0:00:34.080 drama shit that everyone wants to happen all the time. Like, 0:00:34.280 --> 0:00:37.239 I'm not that shit. I'm here to fucking work. I'm 0:00:37.240 --> 0:00:40.560 here to do my fucking job. I'm here to love unconditionally, 0:00:40.720 --> 0:00:43.600 and I'm here to fucking die. None of that drama shit. 0:00:45.520 --> 0:00:47.479 I don't think I've ever heard your chair sound that 0:00:47.600 --> 0:00:49.400 loud in my life. Like, I don't know if my 0:00:49.720 --> 0:00:50.839 stop I'm gonna hitch you. 0:00:51.000 --> 0:00:53.000 It might be this new happy nine to nine shirt 0:00:53.040 --> 0:00:55.160 that's really lit and that you probably don't have but 0:00:55.280 --> 0:00:55.760 really want. 0:00:56.160 --> 0:00:58.480 If my lawyer is wearing if you're a lawyer wearing this, 0:00:58.560 --> 0:01:03.800 you're going to jail. Like I'm literally the lawyer sending 0:01:03.840 --> 0:01:06.559 you to jail. In my Happy Night, in her biscuit Hill, 0:01:07.040 --> 0:01:13.920 in her biscuit heels, her JPG, her Junior Watsonovity. 0:01:12.800 --> 0:01:15.720 Like her crazy, the best fit you've ever seen ever. 0:01:16.080 --> 0:01:18.160 It's gonna be so awesome when like Alisa. 0:01:18.360 --> 0:01:19.960 If you don't know, Lisa is one of our close 0:01:20.040 --> 0:01:24.080 friends who is one of our only smart friends who 0:01:24.120 --> 0:01:31.440 got like a full ride, like literally like lawyer, intelligent woman, lawyer. 0:01:32.240 --> 0:01:34.679 And sometimes when I'm out with her, I'm like, damn, 0:01:34.720 --> 0:01:36.800 bit you just be going to school and learning and me, 0:01:38.240 --> 0:01:40.440 I don't feel real and I think I'm Goodzophrontic. 0:01:41.600 --> 0:01:44.200 That's the woman that's a new ARC friend. 0:01:44.280 --> 0:01:47.240 Yeah, that's how we know feminism hasn't failed us because 0:01:47.280 --> 0:01:50.080 I can be doing the life I live and Alisa 0:01:50.120 --> 0:01:51.080 can be doing the life. 0:01:51.240 --> 0:01:53.240 Like both things that weren't allowed at one point. 0:01:53.640 --> 0:01:58.000 Me being stupid and actually people have always want a 0:01:58.000 --> 0:01:58.840 woman to be stupid. 0:01:58.880 --> 0:02:01.400 I'm actually going against feminism by. 0:02:01.320 --> 0:02:06.520 Existing, you're actually the one thing causing the fall of feminism. Also, 0:02:06.680 --> 0:02:09.079 you don't cook, and oh, I forgot to button this up. 0:02:09.160 --> 0:02:10.240 Do you want me to button it for you? 0:02:12.720 --> 0:02:17.880 Because you know you never and you know that you 0:02:18.000 --> 0:02:27.960 would never wear I've got out tonight, but tonight I 0:02:28.280 --> 0:02:32.600 literally I haven't either. I just know that from tiktoks 0:02:32.919 --> 0:02:38.960 Wow a girl that loves the smith. Do you smoke cigarettes? 0:02:40.160 --> 0:02:42.519 Do you smoke cigarettes? No? 0:02:42.840 --> 0:02:45.040 Because that's nasty. Why want to do that? 0:02:45.240 --> 0:02:47.720 Girl who smokes cigarettes? What did I do? 0:02:48.720 --> 0:02:49.040 Well? 0:02:49.080 --> 0:02:51.959 Have you been oh my god a long time? See 0:02:53.080 --> 0:02:57.040 we did see each other for almost two weeks equip McDonald's. 0:02:57.400 --> 0:03:00.520 That place was fucking terrible. I sold my stake in 0:03:00.560 --> 0:03:02.880 the company for three hundred million dollars. 0:03:03.480 --> 0:03:07.520 You sold your managerial position at McDonald's. 0:03:08.040 --> 0:03:11.440 Yeah, I was like the CFO. Oh okay, yeah I 0:03:11.440 --> 0:03:13.920 had to. It was like you know the show like 0:03:14.360 --> 0:03:18.320 where they send a billionaire like to oversee their company 0:03:18.360 --> 0:03:20.240 and they like have to work in the trenches with 0:03:20.320 --> 0:03:22.600 their employees and then at the end they're like, I 0:03:22.639 --> 0:03:26.960 want to pay for your college. Yeah, that's what I 0:03:27.000 --> 0:03:29.440 was doing, except they didn't have cameras on me. 0:03:29.440 --> 0:03:31.320 And shit, But you were just doing about the kindness 0:03:31.360 --> 0:03:31.799 of your heart. 0:03:32.120 --> 0:03:37.200 Yeah, well, I'm the CSG at McDonald's. What is that 0:03:37.360 --> 0:03:41.040 it's the cocksucking general. Oh yeah, because like it's like, 0:03:41.080 --> 0:03:43.320 you know how a lot of like we workspaces have 0:03:43.480 --> 0:03:46.200 like the mental health awareness like rooms. 0:03:46.440 --> 0:03:47.800 Or a stupid girl. 0:03:49.280 --> 0:03:51.160 I was trying so hard when you were talking, like 0:03:51.200 --> 0:03:52.640 I was ignoring the fuck out. Are you trying to 0:03:52.680 --> 0:03:58.280 think of something funny for CFOs like cock fucking opera operate. 0:04:00.160 --> 0:04:03.440 Right, how have you been awful? But that's okay. 0:04:04.120 --> 0:04:06.680 Actually I haven't been awful. I just don't think I'm real. 0:04:07.240 --> 0:04:09.840 But I feel like I've been saying that for the 0:04:09.840 --> 0:04:12.400 past like three years. Is all I say when it 0:04:12.440 --> 0:04:14.960 comes to my mental health is like I don't feel 0:04:14.960 --> 0:04:17.719 real or I feel sad. But I got back to 0:04:17.960 --> 0:04:21.080 La I was in Miami for my little sisters Kincinera, 0:04:21.120 --> 0:04:23.800 and I got back and I was in the kitchen 0:04:23.920 --> 0:04:27.279 in the like the first morning I was here, and 0:04:27.480 --> 0:04:31.279 I felt not real, Like I didn't feel like a 0:04:31.320 --> 0:04:36.480 real person. I felt like I was impersonating myself. 0:04:36.760 --> 0:04:39.400 Like that's literally what I've been going through it. That's 0:04:39.440 --> 0:04:40.760 what I went through in Texas. 0:04:40.960 --> 0:04:43.640 Yeah, Like I was just like, oh, I'm I don't 0:04:43.640 --> 0:04:46.120 know how to describe it. Like somebody one time commented 0:04:46.160 --> 0:04:48.200 when I described falling asleep. 0:04:47.880 --> 0:04:49.240 And I was like, dude, I could like feel my 0:04:49.320 --> 0:04:50.280 body and like whatever. 0:04:50.520 --> 0:04:53.920 Someone was like, yeah, and it's just describing like bodily awareness, 0:04:54.000 --> 0:04:57.279 which is like something most normal people just have. And 0:04:57.680 --> 0:05:01.480 that freaks me out because I I am so disconnected 0:05:01.480 --> 0:05:04.560 from my body, Like I don't know what I'm supposed 0:05:04.560 --> 0:05:08.040 to feel like do people just feel their body, because 0:05:08.080 --> 0:05:10.360 I feel like I don't feel my body like I 0:05:10.360 --> 0:05:12.240 feel like I'm literally just like a brain. 0:05:13.520 --> 0:05:16.559 And he's been doing an insane amount of ketamine. Also, 0:05:16.640 --> 0:05:16.960 by the. 0:05:16.880 --> 0:05:19.320 Way, Yeah, so that doesn't help because it just like 0:05:19.360 --> 0:05:22.960 makes me more and more disconnected. But yeah, I don't 0:05:23.000 --> 0:05:25.120 feel my body like when I pick things up, like 0:05:26.160 --> 0:05:28.320 I'm not aware of my Yeah, I like don't know. 0:05:28.240 --> 0:05:29.840 How to describe it. Like I don't feel like I 0:05:29.880 --> 0:05:32.159 feel it the way I'm supposed to. Yeah, when I 0:05:32.200 --> 0:05:34.000 was in the kitchen, I was like, oh my god, 0:05:34.200 --> 0:05:35.480 I don't feel real. 0:05:35.560 --> 0:05:39.560 I was touching everything in that corner and genuinely convincing 0:05:39.600 --> 0:05:41.840 myself that I am a puppet, Like I feel like 0:05:41.880 --> 0:05:46.000 a Marionette toy and somebody has me up here, and 0:05:46.040 --> 0:05:49.400 like the only part of my body that has senses 0:05:50.240 --> 0:05:53.520 is my like brain. 0:05:54.520 --> 0:05:56.280 I mean, if you think about it, we literally are 0:05:56.760 --> 0:05:58.799 brains and then meet sex. 0:05:59.080 --> 0:05:59.240 Yeah. 0:05:59.440 --> 0:06:02.160 Literally that's literally it. And I think I don't know, 0:06:02.400 --> 0:06:04.920 but I was like in Texas going through the same 0:06:04.920 --> 0:06:09.000 fucking thing. Like, dude, I've like always been like okay 0:06:09.040 --> 0:06:13.280 with death, like for myself or so I thought, And 0:06:13.320 --> 0:06:17.440 I like for the first time. Like it was bad, y'all. 0:06:17.520 --> 0:06:19.120 I don't even know what the fuck it was. But 0:06:19.160 --> 0:06:22.240 I was like confronting my own mortality and like confronting 0:06:22.279 --> 0:06:24.919 like the mortality of my family and friends, and it 0:06:25.040 --> 0:06:28.880 was just like so fucking bizarre, and like thinking about 0:06:28.920 --> 0:06:32.559 like what happens next, Like is there an afterlife? Is there? 0:06:32.640 --> 0:06:37.880 Like is it like when you're in the womb where 0:06:37.880 --> 0:06:41.560 you don't feel anything? There's like nothing, there's literally nothing. 0:06:41.560 --> 0:06:44.320 I can't even imagine nothing like before life? Is that 0:06:44.400 --> 0:06:47.400 how it is? Which I pray to fucking God, it's 0:06:47.520 --> 0:06:49.440 just nothing like you turn off. But I have a 0:06:49.480 --> 0:06:53.599 sneaking suspicion that like there's something. There's yeah, our souls 0:06:53.680 --> 0:06:56.760 go somewhere or like we literally are trapped in hell 0:06:56.920 --> 0:06:58.520 or something. And I know I make that joke all 0:06:58.520 --> 0:07:01.200 the time, but like sometimes like I'm like, damn, Like 0:07:01.440 --> 0:07:05.320 what if like this is it and I just relived 0:07:05.360 --> 0:07:07.360 this life over and over agin, I'd be like, Damn, 0:07:07.400 --> 0:07:09.200 I must have been good in like my real life, 0:07:09.240 --> 0:07:11.280 because like this is a lit ass life. But also 0:07:11.440 --> 0:07:15.880 I know it's just freaking terrifying to like confront your mortality. 0:07:16.040 --> 0:07:17.920 Like I just was like sitting in my room, like 0:07:18.240 --> 0:07:22.640 fucking sobbing thinking about like my family dying and like 0:07:23.160 --> 0:07:25.280 me never being able to see them again, and like 0:07:25.480 --> 0:07:27.440 then I started thinking about y'all and I was like, 0:07:27.480 --> 0:07:29.840 holy shit, like I don't know, And then I just 0:07:29.840 --> 0:07:32.920 started thinking about like time dilation and how quickly like 0:07:33.280 --> 0:07:36.120 life has been ramping and speeding up, and like the 0:07:36.160 --> 0:07:39.440 first twelve, fifteen, sixteen years, eighteen years of my life 0:07:39.520 --> 0:07:42.120 were like so slow. I felt like I literally like 0:07:42.600 --> 0:07:45.600 was eighteen forever and now the last four years of 0:07:45.640 --> 0:07:48.960 my life have just fucking blasted by, and it's terrifying. 0:07:49.000 --> 0:07:50.920 And then I'll like talk to an older person about 0:07:50.960 --> 0:07:52.840 it and they're like, buckle up, bud, like it only 0:07:52.880 --> 0:07:55.440 gets quicker. And I'm like, don't fucking tell me that, 0:07:55.520 --> 0:07:58.200 Like I don't need to hear that. That's fucking terrifying, 0:07:58.320 --> 0:08:01.520 Like it's so scary. Also, this life is so short. 0:08:01.800 --> 0:08:05.920 This is really such a blanket answer to that, or 0:08:06.000 --> 0:08:10.120 like not answer, but thing to throw in. I will say, 0:08:10.280 --> 0:08:14.640 I feel every time once August is done. 0:08:14.720 --> 0:08:16.680 It feels like the year blasts through. 0:08:16.720 --> 0:08:19.800 And it's because also taking into account where people who 0:08:19.800 --> 0:08:21.360 we go and see our family a lot at the 0:08:21.440 --> 0:08:24.280 end of the year for holidays, and we just naturally 0:08:24.440 --> 0:08:26.360 are moving around more at the end of the year 0:08:26.400 --> 0:08:28.000 because we're trying to make up for the time that 0:08:28.040 --> 0:08:29.920 we quote unquote feel like we waste. 0:08:29.720 --> 0:08:32.080 It in the beginning of the year. So that has 0:08:32.120 --> 0:08:32.560 to do with it. 0:08:32.600 --> 0:08:36.480 But I do agree, Like thinking about my teen years, 0:08:36.559 --> 0:08:39.079 it feels like they lasted forever. But then I try 0:08:39.120 --> 0:08:41.600 to ground myself because I think about the fact that 0:08:42.280 --> 0:08:44.520 we're only in our mid twenties. 0:08:44.760 --> 0:08:49.600 Old as fuck, literally old, like nasty, old fucking hags, 0:08:49.640 --> 0:08:52.160 Like I literally hate it. Like that's another thing. I 0:08:52.200 --> 0:08:54.600 was like, holy shit, Like I'm a twenty five year 0:08:54.640 --> 0:08:57.520 old man, like making poop and far jokes and dressing 0:08:57.559 --> 0:08:59.600 the way I dress, Like that's not normal. I need 0:08:59.640 --> 0:09:02.000 the fucking grow up and become trad and like I 0:09:02.040 --> 0:09:03.719 need to like settle down with a. 0:09:03.679 --> 0:09:06.920 Partner now with that nuclear family. Literally we all got 0:09:06.920 --> 0:09:09.079 that nuclear family in us. It's about if you want 0:09:09.080 --> 0:09:09.800 to tap in or not. 0:09:10.000 --> 0:09:13.040 I know, like maybe my grandma was right, Like maybe 0:09:13.080 --> 0:09:13.440 she was. 0:09:13.520 --> 0:09:18.480 Right, bro, But I think it's also easy because we haven't. 0:09:19.480 --> 0:09:19.920 I'm trying to. 0:09:20.240 --> 0:09:21.920 I want to set the record straight. Sorry for cutting 0:09:21.960 --> 0:09:24.840 you off. I am actually seventeen. Yeah, that was my 0:09:24.960 --> 0:09:27.440 altar that came out. That was really fucking weird. But 0:09:27.800 --> 0:09:32.520 I'm back. I'm back, y'all. Ooh, he was being weird. 0:09:32.559 --> 0:09:33.920 What the fuck was he talking about? 0:09:34.840 --> 0:09:38.320 But a majority of our life so far, we've spent 0:09:38.400 --> 0:09:40.960 it as children, and I think about that a lot 0:09:41.120 --> 0:09:43.400 when I think about how I feel right now, how 0:09:43.440 --> 0:09:47.720 I feel really lost, I feel unaccomplished, I feel as 0:09:47.800 --> 0:09:50.319 if I should have more done, and I feel all 0:09:50.360 --> 0:09:52.440 these pressures of what I want to get done, whether 0:09:52.480 --> 0:09:52.840 it be. 0:09:52.760 --> 0:09:54.320 For myself or for my family. 0:09:55.240 --> 0:09:57.720 And that's something that really burdens me when I go 0:09:57.760 --> 0:10:00.960 back to Miami, because, as we all know, all I 0:10:01.000 --> 0:10:02.839 talk about is coming from a broke family, and I 0:10:02.880 --> 0:10:04.920 think everybody who comes from that and this is just 0:10:04.960 --> 0:10:07.640 me speaking on my personal experience, but most people want 0:10:07.679 --> 0:10:09.960 to and you're kind of embedded with the idea to 0:10:10.280 --> 0:10:12.960 provide for them, and I get really caught up in that. 0:10:13.000 --> 0:10:14.560 And you know that, I get really caught up in 0:10:14.559 --> 0:10:16.720 the ideas of how I can provide for my family 0:10:16.760 --> 0:10:20.200 when I am still really young myself and I'm still 0:10:20.320 --> 0:10:23.040 learning how to provide for myself. And then I just 0:10:23.200 --> 0:10:25.920 always think about how we have spent majority of our 0:10:25.960 --> 0:10:29.520 life as children. So far, it's not even half adulthood 0:10:29.559 --> 0:10:32.320 half childhood yet, because in my head at this point, 0:10:32.360 --> 0:10:34.120 I think we both look at our eighteen year old 0:10:34.160 --> 0:10:35.640 selves and we think you. 0:10:35.559 --> 0:10:36.120 Were a child. 0:10:36.280 --> 0:10:38.000 I even look back at my twenty year old self 0:10:38.000 --> 0:10:40.360 and I'm like, dude, you were a child. You still 0:10:40.400 --> 0:10:42.160 had so much figure out, you were so lost, you 0:10:42.160 --> 0:10:43.800 were so confused, you had so much growing to do. 0:10:44.120 --> 0:10:45.080 So then when you put it in. 0:10:45.000 --> 0:10:48.840 That perspective, I think that's when I feel better about 0:10:48.880 --> 0:10:50.760 my age, because I am hitting the point that you 0:10:50.840 --> 0:10:52.880 hit when you were twenty four. I think where you 0:10:52.920 --> 0:10:55.160 started looking at twenty five, twenty six, twenty seven, and 0:10:55.200 --> 0:10:58.000 they felt so close versus when you're twenty three, even 0:10:58.000 --> 0:11:02.959 twenty five felt far. And I always just try to 0:11:03.000 --> 0:11:05.480 remind myself that I have lived majority of my life 0:11:05.520 --> 0:11:07.800 as a child, yet I am just now coming into 0:11:07.880 --> 0:11:11.240 my adulthood and I have time and it's okay, and 0:11:11.360 --> 0:11:14.120 I'm not old and I don't. 0:11:14.000 --> 0:11:17.000 Have to live an old person saying they're not old, 0:11:17.120 --> 0:11:20.079 like I'm not old. I swear no, I know. 0:11:20.080 --> 0:11:22.160 I know that, but I know what you're saying though, 0:11:22.160 --> 0:11:23.079 because it's so scary. 0:11:23.200 --> 0:11:26.160 Also, I don't know how to fucking fix it either, 0:11:26.320 --> 0:11:28.240 you know what I was thinking about. I was like, damn, 0:11:28.320 --> 0:11:31.000 Like I really did take this year to be like 0:11:31.120 --> 0:11:33.600 my year of rest and relaxation, where like at the 0:11:33.600 --> 0:11:34.880 beginning of the year, I was like, I don't want 0:11:34.880 --> 0:11:36.320 to travel as much. I kind of want to just 0:11:36.360 --> 0:11:39.719 fucking chill and like fucking plant some roots for the 0:11:39.800 --> 0:11:42.839 year and like weather the storm and just like fucking chill, 0:11:42.880 --> 0:11:45.280 and like I didn't really do any of that. But 0:11:45.360 --> 0:11:48.079 I was like, like as much as I've spent my 0:11:48.120 --> 0:11:52.160 life online, like I was like consumed about like posting online, 0:11:52.160 --> 0:11:54.560 and like my whole it was my identity was like 0:11:54.600 --> 0:11:56.640 posting online. So I took a step back for this 0:11:56.720 --> 0:11:59.400 last year and was like I'm not gonna post as 0:11:59.480 --> 0:12:01.520 much online. I'm gonna do the podcast, I'm gonna do 0:12:01.600 --> 0:12:03.960 my things, and like I have to feed myself, so 0:12:03.960 --> 0:12:05.440 I'm gonna post every once in a while, but I'm 0:12:05.480 --> 0:12:08.880 really gonna take a step back, and I'm starting to realize, 0:12:08.920 --> 0:12:12.120 like my life felt slower when I was posting online, 0:12:12.160 --> 0:12:15.120 So I'm gonna start fucking posting online and becoming like 0:12:15.200 --> 0:12:18.880 psychoagon and like literally doing that and like reverting back 0:12:18.920 --> 0:12:21.400 to like all my unhealthy habits because life felt better 0:12:21.400 --> 0:12:23.679 when I was unhealthy. That's what I fucking realized. Is 0:12:23.720 --> 0:12:26.720 like when I like cut soda out of my diet, 0:12:26.920 --> 0:12:30.160 like nothing about me changes. I'm just less happy, Like 0:12:30.200 --> 0:12:32.800 I'm just like I don't drink soda, or like when 0:12:32.800 --> 0:12:34.920 I'm like, oh, like I can't have that bag of candy, 0:12:35.120 --> 0:12:37.320 I'm like fucking sad about it, But when I eat 0:12:37.320 --> 0:12:39.840 that bag of candy, I feel fucking fine, Like it's 0:12:39.880 --> 0:12:40.480 so annoying. 0:12:40.559 --> 0:12:42.720 Like That's how I've been feeling. And this is not 0:12:42.920 --> 0:12:45.600 to promote the usage of this boo. I know, I know, 0:12:45.679 --> 0:12:48.480 I know, that's literally I feel about I was watching 0:12:48.480 --> 0:12:51.160 that thing yesterday that was talking about nicotine and how 0:12:51.160 --> 0:12:54.160 it's bad for you, and I genuinely is looking at it. 0:12:54.200 --> 0:12:57.160 I was like, this means nothing to me, Like what 0:12:57.280 --> 0:12:59.640 are you telling me right now? It doesn't mean anything 0:12:59.640 --> 0:13:01.440 to me. It goes in one ear out the other, 0:13:01.559 --> 0:13:03.360 because when I are. 0:13:03.280 --> 0:13:04.760 You demoting nicotine right now? 0:13:04.800 --> 0:13:05.520 That's what I feel. 0:13:05.640 --> 0:13:06.480 That's crazy. 0:13:06.520 --> 0:13:09.800 You're crazy, but don't do it because any addictive habit 0:13:10.080 --> 0:13:10.640 that is not. 0:13:12.480 --> 0:13:14.160 Healthy for you is bad for you. 0:13:14.240 --> 0:13:17.960 But you know from my family line, you pick and choose, 0:13:18.280 --> 0:13:23.160 you're kind of get it. Yeah, but the mortality thing 0:13:23.280 --> 0:13:27.440 reminds me is I think you know more than anybody. 0:13:27.520 --> 0:13:31.000 I literally will convince myself something bad is going to happen. 0:13:31.040 --> 0:13:32.199 And it's just like I have a good feeling. I 0:13:32.200 --> 0:13:33.480 have a good feeling. I have got feeling. I have 0:13:33.520 --> 0:13:36.800 a good feeling. But I had a moment at the 0:13:36.840 --> 0:13:38.120 airport that was so odd. 0:13:38.160 --> 0:13:40.760 Okay, So I was sitting at my parents' house before 0:13:40.800 --> 0:13:42.080 I went to my flight, and I just had this 0:13:42.200 --> 0:13:45.520 like heavy feeling. I always get a heavy feeling before 0:13:45.520 --> 0:13:46.080 a flight. 0:13:45.920 --> 0:13:47.839 Because I love you. 0:13:48.120 --> 0:13:50.320 Yeah, I know, I like literally have convinced ourselves something 0:13:50.360 --> 0:13:51.840 bad it's gonna happen to me every time. Because now 0:13:51.840 --> 0:13:53.240 I have like a weird fear of planes. 0:13:53.280 --> 0:13:55.920 But I mean not a weird fear. You watched plane 0:13:55.920 --> 0:13:58.439 crash compilations for like six well. 0:13:58.200 --> 0:14:02.200 Now and now I'm like composed simply attached to the 0:14:02.240 --> 0:14:03.400 idea that I'm like something. 0:14:03.440 --> 0:14:05.760 I just know, I know, I know, like you can't 0:14:05.760 --> 0:14:10.040 convince me, not whatever. That's a different thing. 0:14:10.440 --> 0:14:15.520 But I was sitting there and I was like, Wow, 0:14:15.720 --> 0:14:18.480 what are the chances that I die naturally versus by 0:14:18.559 --> 0:14:20.680 accident whatever. So I look that up because I was 0:14:20.720 --> 0:14:23.240 really convinced that moment. I was like, damn, you know what. 0:14:23.320 --> 0:14:25.080 I don't think I'm gonna die of natural causes. I 0:14:25.080 --> 0:14:27.480 think I'm gonna be murdered or something like something really bad. 0:14:27.480 --> 0:14:29.560 It's gonna happen to me soon. And I'm like, something 0:14:29.560 --> 0:14:31.080 really bad is gonna happen to me? Before I turned 0:14:31.080 --> 0:14:32.720 twenty six, I just have this feeling. 0:14:32.720 --> 0:14:34.760 I did write down something big is coming. 0:14:35.040 --> 0:14:36.800 I like you to say, I did write down something 0:14:36.800 --> 0:14:37.720 bad happen. 0:14:40.760 --> 0:14:44.880 So I looked that up and then I also have 0:14:45.720 --> 0:14:49.320 just like PTSD from loss whatever, like boo boo boo. 0:14:49.640 --> 0:14:50.480 Everyone has that. 0:14:50.720 --> 0:14:53.120 Every time I say bye to my family or my friends, 0:14:53.160 --> 0:14:56.840 I'm also genuinely convinced knock on Wood Live, that is 0:14:56.880 --> 0:14:58.600 going to be the last time I'm going to see them, 0:14:58.640 --> 0:15:00.960 Like it's a big thing for me. But this time 0:15:01.000 --> 0:15:02.760 when I was saying by to my family, I like 0:15:03.200 --> 0:15:06.520 shockingly didn't sob like I teared up, but I usually 0:15:06.560 --> 0:15:08.400 like sob on the way to the airport, and this 0:15:08.440 --> 0:15:10.760 time I just teared up a little. But then that 0:15:10.840 --> 0:15:13.080 made me feel really weird because I was like something 0:15:13.160 --> 0:15:15.040 deeper is happening right now, but I'm not gonna think 0:15:15.040 --> 0:15:16.600 about it, but something deeper is happening. And then I 0:15:16.640 --> 0:15:18.480 was like, I should have hugged my dad longer. Knock 0:15:18.520 --> 0:15:20.240 on wood, knock on wood. Even saying that out loud, 0:15:20.280 --> 0:15:24.040 it is literally terrifying. But I was like, I should 0:15:24.080 --> 0:15:25.840 have hugged my dad longer. I feel like something's gonna 0:15:25.840 --> 0:15:27.320 happen to me, or something's gonna happen. 0:15:27.080 --> 0:15:28.280 Blah blah blah. 0:15:28.320 --> 0:15:30.680 Again, I was just like, but let me rest, because 0:15:30.680 --> 0:15:32.960 I don't feel like anxiety I usually feel about this. 0:15:33.040 --> 0:15:35.360 I feel so weird. I got to the airport and 0:15:35.360 --> 0:15:37.600 when I got on the tram to go to my terminal, 0:15:37.840 --> 0:15:42.680 there was a man in the tram who his vibe 0:15:42.760 --> 0:15:46.400 was just so fucking suspicious. First of all, his outfit, 0:15:46.480 --> 0:15:48.880 which like that sounds stupid, but he's wearing like a 0:15:48.920 --> 0:15:54.080 bright pink shirt, like green basketball shorts, like crocs, and 0:15:54.160 --> 0:15:57.560 like colorful tied ie socks, and then his suitcase was 0:15:57.600 --> 0:16:02.000 really tiny, and then he had a Spider Man full 0:16:02.080 --> 0:16:05.160 mask covering his face. He's entering the airport like this, 0:16:05.520 --> 0:16:08.440 So in my head, I was like, cool, he's gonna 0:16:08.680 --> 0:16:11.160 fucking shoot me, Like he's gonna kill me. He's the killer, 0:16:11.600 --> 0:16:14.360 because we live in America, and if anybody is looking 0:16:14.440 --> 0:16:17.720 that suspicious going to a big public place, it's a 0:16:17.760 --> 0:16:22.680 red flag. But I didn't get scared or like act 0:16:22.760 --> 0:16:24.480 the way I feel like I would have, because I 0:16:24.520 --> 0:16:26.320 was genuinely convincing myself he was gonna kill me. 0:16:26.360 --> 0:16:28.960 But I felt such an eerie calm. 0:16:28.600 --> 0:16:31.840 About it I've been doing where I was like, I 0:16:31.920 --> 0:16:34.000 literally started telling myself, I was like, wow, all these 0:16:34.000 --> 0:16:36.400 times I've been so fearful of like my ending in 0:16:36.440 --> 0:16:39.000 my doom, But maybe when it comes to me, I 0:16:39.040 --> 0:16:40.960 will feel like this, I'll just feel so calm and 0:16:41.000 --> 0:16:43.000 accepting the life that I've had, and I'm so grateful 0:16:43.040 --> 0:16:44.840 for the life that I had, And like literally like 0:16:44.920 --> 0:16:48.000 thinking like that convinced this man with me alone on 0:16:48.040 --> 0:16:49.960 the train is gonna fucking kill me. 0:16:51.240 --> 0:16:53.520 And then obviously he didn't kill me. He's just a 0:16:53.560 --> 0:16:55.880 fucking freak and he definitely got in trouble. 0:16:55.600 --> 0:16:57.320 Because why are you wearing a spider man mask like 0:16:57.480 --> 0:16:59.120 fully covering your face at the airport. 0:16:59.520 --> 0:17:00.840 But that's dis I. 0:17:00.800 --> 0:17:03.120 Try to think about like all the time, though, is 0:17:03.200 --> 0:17:07.200 like literally what if like all of the stupid things 0:17:07.240 --> 0:17:12.000 like me like drinking, like mixing alcohol and ambient and 0:17:12.080 --> 0:17:15.399 fucking percoset all at once when I was like seventeen 0:17:15.480 --> 0:17:18.280 years old and like blackout drunk and sitting on the 0:17:18.320 --> 0:17:21.080 floor laying there and like my whole body vibrating. I'm like, 0:17:21.320 --> 0:17:23.480 what if I literally did die there? And like all 0:17:23.480 --> 0:17:25.760 of these moments where like I like am like what 0:17:25.840 --> 0:17:28.280 if I died? Like what if I did die in 0:17:28.320 --> 0:17:29.960 this moment? Like what if I just fell asleep and 0:17:29.960 --> 0:17:32.600 died in my sleep and then like I wake up 0:17:32.600 --> 0:17:34.520 in the same body, in the same life, but little 0:17:34.520 --> 0:17:36.679 things are different, and what if that's the Mandela effect. 0:17:36.760 --> 0:17:39.040 I know it sounds fucking weird, but like that's literally 0:17:39.080 --> 0:17:41.960 how I think. I'm just like what if Like every time, 0:17:42.000 --> 0:17:44.840 I'm like, I don't know, it's hard to verbalize, but 0:17:44.920 --> 0:17:47.879 I like, literally just that's what I've been thinking about. Also, 0:17:48.080 --> 0:17:50.320 and like what if in the afterlife there's no good 0:17:50.320 --> 0:17:52.520 fucking pussy for me to eat? Like literally, what am 0:17:52.560 --> 0:17:55.240 I gonna do? Like how am I gonna mac on box? 0:17:55.280 --> 0:17:56.000 And shit? Broh? 0:17:56.320 --> 0:17:59.120 Because that's something you think about, is like giving head 0:17:59.160 --> 0:17:59.959 in the afterlife? 0:18:00.080 --> 0:18:03.680 Yeah, yeah, Like I guess you by nature, So it's like. 0:18:04.920 --> 0:18:09.200 Sipricate, Like I literally just mac bobs. I'm a man, 0:18:09.680 --> 0:18:10.800 I'm literally a mine. 0:18:11.080 --> 0:18:13.359 Yeah really morbid open. 0:18:14.200 --> 0:18:16.000 Yeah, I know we're literally gonna have to put a 0:18:16.040 --> 0:18:19.240 trigger warning, Like the title is just trigger warning. Hey guys, 0:18:19.440 --> 0:18:24.080 like and subscribe. But I do have something I want 0:18:24.119 --> 0:18:27.439 to talk about that could fix everything. I really do 0:18:27.520 --> 0:18:29.879 think this would fix everything for it. So you know 0:18:29.960 --> 0:18:33.119 those videos of the staircases and they have the glass 0:18:33.200 --> 0:18:36.119 jar down, yes, and you have like the soda is 0:18:36.280 --> 0:18:39.680 also the beer, like literally every single time, the beer 0:18:39.680 --> 0:18:41.480 bottle is gonna get it, Like the beer bottle is 0:18:41.480 --> 0:18:44.520